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The Botetourt Squat § Monday, April 21st, 2014 § PAGE 8
Anonymous poll: 1 out of 1 Team Blitz members would make sex with a dolphin to improve their mile time by 26 seconds BY HANK MANGKLACE DOLPHIN RAPE CAVES ARE REAL Students are still clawing out their own eyes with excitement upon having learned that %100 of some unknown percentage of Team Blitz would copulate with the most photogenic of marine mammals if it meant an immediate drop in their mile time. It is a many layered issue that is surely worthy of having numerous issues of this sad excuse for journalism devoted solely to its discussion. How long would one have to engage in intercourse with the dolphin? Does the improvement in fitness carry over to other distances as well? Is it possible to continue improving after the initial dolphin-sex improvement? The sordid discussion all began one afternoon when a member of Team Blitz approached another member of Team Blitz
and posed the question, “Would you have sex with a dolphin if it meant an improvement in your mile time?” Before the other member of Team Blitz could answer, they went on to run the most glorious run in all of Blitztory. They sprinted through the tunnel beneath Colonial Williamsburg. They navigated the secret Dragon trail in Lake Matoaka trails. They ran to Sno-2-Go and then across the street to the Yankee Candle Store and ate the fake snow in the Christmas Room instead. They did all of that and much much more and only after they finished running to apply ointment to their raw nipples and chaffed inner thighs did the other member of Team Blitz say, “Yeah, I think I would.” And then the other member of Team Blitz said, “Oh. I would too.” And the other guy was like, “Yeah, cuz it makes sense.” And the guy was like, “I agree with you.” And they were both like, “Oh yeah, we al-
ready ran today. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow for more running.” And one of them was like, “Don’t forget to bring the dolphin.” And the other one was like, “What?” But before the guy could explain, the guy
remembered what they’d been talking about earlier and said, “Oh right, that’s relevant to what we had just been discussing and it is also relevant to running.” And the other guy was like, “Exactly.”
Bike to Uganda ends prematurely after most participants drown BY PARTICLE-MAN SKYLORD WELCOME TO THE HOTEL RWANDA Eternally destined to do good deeds at whatever altruistic cost, the college recently sponsored an event encouraging bikers of all ages and skill levels to bike all the way to Uganda. Due to a practical and minute oversight, however, many of the participants never made it. Those who did never seemed to come back. Uganda effort leader Bevis B. Naked comments, “Well, we knew we wanted to help Uganda. And we know lots of people on campus have a bike.” He didn’t elaborate further, but simply sat back in his chair and smiled. While the effort grossed several hundreds of dollars in pennies, pesos, pieces of eight, and semen, the logistics of the opera-
tion seemed to have neglected the fact that bikes do not float, nor do they propel themselves across the surface of water for more than three seconds at a time, and even then you have to be going downhill beforehand, and like, hit the water just right. The organizing members also forgot that humans can’t breath underwater. Of the 48 students to participate, 30 died of drowning, 7 died of shark-related decapitations, 4 died by Japanese whalers, 3 died by Japanese whales, 2 died of boredom, and 1 died due to using a mountain bike on a road (like an idiot, idiot) and getting really tired, so he pulls over into this truck-stop and finds a man in a really large car who says he can give him a ride—and he does! but after a while the car runs out of gas so now they both have to walk and they encounter another man at another truck stop who picks
2013-2014 Tribe sports: retrospecticus
them up, and you can see how this goes on and on, but anyway eventually there’s like 500 or so men walking the highway to the next truck stop and really all this one guy wanted to do was get to Uganda, but they eventually ran out of food, so he has to eat his bike, but he eats too much of it and then has an aneurism. A homeless man peeing on the street, with a shrug, gives his opinion, “Should have waited for the next ice age. Then you take the long way around through Russia. It’s not so bad then. Unless you’re a,” he comes in closer, several teeth missing, smelling heavily of gasoline, “gay.” The lone man to make it to Uganda, Heywood U. Blomey, by sheer force of will, biked the bottom Atlantic ocean and arrived off the coast of Africa just yesterday. But due to the fact that he’s a Chem-
March Madness concludes; to be followed by April Alzheimer’s
BY ANDERSON POOPER 420
THE REAL TRAGEDY IS EXISTENCE
WE LOST.
istry major and never took Geography, he isn’t quite sure where Uganda is and is now biking around, asking local tribes for directions in broken Spanish. The effort is cited as having raised exactly $230 dollars, which is enough to provide one Ugandan 230 Mc Doubles or 230 Ugandans one Whopper Jr, except probably a little less due to tax and shipping.
After an exciting month of College Basketball, sports officials are excited to announce the beginning of another monthly trend, April Alzheimer’s. As a publicity stunt to bring further awareness to the crippling and tragic disease, Colleges across the United States will be competing in a month long, single elimination Women’s Basketball tournament, the sport most often “tragically” forgotten about. University of Iowa Women’s Basketball head coach (Some bitch name here) says: “We are very excited that we can extend the college basketball action for another month. We hope that President Obama and sports fans around the country will also make brackets and excitedly tune in to watch women play a sport just as well as men can play, especially when it comes to good, solid fundamentals in place of dunks or action. Lay-ups and conversions are an important part of the game you know.” In addition to providing heart-pounding Women’s Basketball Action, April Al-
zheimer’s is dedicated to providing funding for disease research. 2.5% of all profits will go to Alzheimer’s research labs, hopefully bringing us one tiny, infinitesimal step towards the cure. “I feel good,” says (that bitch name again). “in addition to providing viewers some good solid fundementals, we’re also helping people who need it. I just wish they would change the name “Forgetful Four”.”