The Weekly Ringer

The

Weekly

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper Serving the community since 1922

Wronger

VOLUME 95 | ISSUE 21

APRIL 1, 2022

Incoming freshmen to be Tippy the cat to Banner registration baptized in Monroe Fountain replace Anna Billingsley replaced with death match

JOSEPHINE JOHNSON News Editor UMW plans to replace Banner class registration process with a new fight-tothe-death match.

“I got the inspiration for this new program from this fun and lighthearted book series, ‘The Hunger Games,’” said University President Troy Paino. “In that story, teenagers have a fun little kerfuffle for the entertainment of the rich. I brought this idea to UMW so administrators could have a little fun watching the students battle.”

Students appreciate the new plan, as anything will be easier than registering for classes online.

“This way, I have a chance for enrollment in the classes I need to graduate!” said Josephine Good, a junior international business major.

Junior sociology and communication and digital studies double major Jess Kirby anxiously anticipates the change.

“I’ve been thinking that an easy solution to the banner registration issues would be to separate people’s time slots by credit again, but when I heard about this initiative, I was thrilled,” she said. “Can’t wait to see y’all on the battlefield!”

The new program, titled “We literally do not care if you graduate on time,” was created after many student complaints about not getting into the classes they need.

“I’ve literally never even taken a class here. I’ve never gotten into a single class through Banner registration. I just live here and walk around campus sometimes,” said [redacted] major Scotti Mullen.

Mullen came to UMW with plans to major in economics.

“No, for real I’ve been paying tens of

President Troy Paino demonstrates to incoming Freshman how the baptisms will commence.

University of Mary Washington

COsmy Pellis & Jess Kirby Associate Editor & Editor-in-Chief

As part of a new initiative to welcome students on campus, UMW has invited representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to perform baptisms on incoming freshmen in the Palmieri Plaza fountain right before Eagle Gathering. This rite of passage is a way to indoctrinate new eagles into the UMW community and aims to bring the tight-knit student body even closer.

Depending on whether it is an even or odd year, the water of the fountain is colored red or green with Kool-Aid. Freshmen are then easily identifiable as either devils or goats until the Kool-Aid washes off.

“The school announced that they were conducting trial sessions and I just had to participate!” said a first-year student who asked to remain anonymous. “As I walked back to my dorm room, soaking wet and dyed bright green, all I could think of was that hot Mormon guy that placed me gently under the water. His hands… oh God his hands.”

This initiative is in collaboration with Mormon missionaries that frequent Campus Walk and accost passersby with questions about their relationship with SEE REGISTRATION PAGE 2 religion. They have been given honorary

degrees from UMW for their moving work on campus.

“It feels like all our hard work has finally paid off,” said Joseph White, a missionary who has been serving at UMW for the past three years. “My mission trip ended a year ago, but I just couldn’t give up; I knew we were so close to a breakthrough. When President Paino contacted me about this initiative, I knew it was a gift from God.” The UMW administration understands that not every freshman necessarily wants to be baptized in KoolAid, so they are offering a second option.

In order to opt out of the baptism, freshmen can instead confess their sins to University President Troy Paino.

Don’t worry, he doesn’t judge you if he doesn’t know you.

“For years, the Mormon missionaries have walked our campus, Book of Mormon in hand, trying to get more involved with the student body,” said Paino. “In return for their service, we have decided to give them a more active role on campus. It wasn’t enough for them to converse with students on their way to class, we wanted to fully immerse students in the Mormon experience.”

What do current students think

SEE BAPTISM PAGE 7

Tippy is a very handsome young man. @tippyumw / Instagram

SCOTTI MULLEN News Editor Tippy, the cat who is often spotted on campus, is going to take over Anna Billingsley’s job as associate vice president for university relations following a powerful speech that inspired students and faculty.

Tippy’s speech took place on March 22 right before the B.o.B. concert.

“He just showed up to the front steps,” said junior communication and digital studies major Josephine Johnson, who attended the concert. “I’m not even sure if he was invited, but everyone was happy to see him and gave him lots of pets. I thought that would be the end of it but then he started to say things and everyone was floored. It was so inspiring! I now realize that I need to accomplish my dreams!”

Tippy spoke about how everyone should accomplish their dreams.

“Meow meow meow meow,” said Tippy.

Even university faculty and staff were floored by the speech.

“I seriously cried,” said University President Troy Paino. “The way that he can articulate is something I’ve never heard before. He moves people’s hearts and minds, plus he is so cute. With him taking over the university relations position, we know that

SEE TIPPY PAGE 2

Body discovered in construction by Simpson Library

BERNADETTE D’AURIA Ghost Writer

A body was discovered on March 28 in the construction zone in front of Simpson Library. The body has been identified as Bernadette D’Auria, a senior English major enrolled in the five-year education program.

At this time, university officials are not commenting on the discovery of the body.

However, D’Auria’s parents put out a statement online.

“She probably tripped and fell into the construction zone,” said D’Auria’s mother. “She recently dropped a blender on her foot and has had some trouble with walking since the incident. It’s really not surprising that this would have happened to her.”

D’Auria’s father shared a similar sentiment.

“Bernadette loved to go to the library, even when she knew she should be at home Some say that the ghost of Bernadette D’Auria still walks around Simpson Library reading books and Norah Walsh / The Weekly Ringer resting,” he said. “While I will miss her dearly, it is nice to know that she passed on in a organizing shelves. place where her ghost can continue reading.”

SEE BODY PAGE 7

INSIDE THE

RINGER

News | 2

B.o.B. performed at the Big Spring Concert.

Opinion | 3 UMW needs more construction to continue tradition.

Life | 4

Local fish describes experience with fame.

Sports | 8

Baseball plays on Ball Circle April 2 to help the grass grow.

News

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Page 2

Weekly Ringer Student Government Association elects new

The

Editorial Staff Editor-in-Chief Jess Kirby

weeklyringer.eic@gmail.com

Business Editor Erin Matuczinski

weeklyringer.business@gmail.com

Associate Editors Bernadette D’Auria Cosima Pellis

weeklyringer.associate@gmail.com

Copy Editor Abigail Slaughter

weeklyringer.copy@gmail.com

News Editors Josephine Johnson Scotti Mullen

weeklyringer.news@gmail.com

Opinion Editor Norah Walsh

weeklyringer.opinion@gmail.com

Life Editor Josephine Good

weeklyringer.life@gmail.com

Sports Editor Victoria R. Percherke

weeklyringer.sports@gmail.com

Online Editors Maggie Mae Young Cameron Delean

weeklyringer.online@gmail.com

Photography Editor Emily Warren

weeklyringer.photos@gmail.com

Faculty Advisor Sushma Subramanian ssubrama@umw.edu

president, vice president and senate positions

PRIYA PATEL Senior Writer On March 25, the results of the Student Government Association elections for the 2022-2023 school year were announced.

A new president and vice president were elected, as well as three senate committee chairs and four additional senators.

Junior political science major Joey Zeldin was elected as the 2022-2023 SGA president.

“I chose to run because I believed that we needed to continue the work that SGA has done to keep students safe and have pride in their campus,” Zeldin said. “That isn’t to say that we’ve simply given students pepper spray and called it a day, but I think that we’ve made steps and will use those steps to create bigger and better things for campus.”

Zeldin hopes to give students a better understanding of what SGA does and how it works.

“I hear from many students that they aren’t sure what SGA does or what the association even is,” he said. “I wanted to change that, ensuring that we have more open channels of communication and more student voices involved in our decisionmaking and bill writing processes.”

Zeldin believes he has the necessary experience to be SGA president. He has spent two years being a student senator and committee chair, allowing him to showcase his skills and qualifications to fellow UMW students. He has experience speaking to the administration on issues and receiving feedback from students on issues they deem important. He considers his involvement with passing the Eagle Safety resolution to be one of his “keystone accomplishments.”

“I think being in the highest-ranking position in any organization comes with a lot of weight and power, and I believe that I have what it takes to make sure that power is used for good things,” said Zeldin. “I also love knowing that students believe in me to serve them, and it brings me a lot of joy to be able to help them solve the issues that matter most to them.”

Zeldin has three goals in mind for next

year.

“The first, ensuring that our agenda is student-based and puts students at the forefront of what we do,” he said. “I know that I have my own biases on things, and I am sure that my fellow SGA members do as well. But we represent all students, and this goal is to ensure that what we do has been suggested by a majority or group of students.”

Zeldin’s second goal is to ensure a safer campus environment.

“I believe we’ve done a good job at making steps in the right direction,” he said.

“But I want to work with my SGA team to find more innovative solutions to improving campus safety and see what we can do to make students feel even more secure. Many students have suggested more card key locks on all buildings to make sure that buildings can be both accessible and stay locked to people who shouldn’t be in those buildings, which I think is a fantastic idea.

I believe that the entire SGA will be able to easily accomplish this task.”

Zeldin’s third goal is to improve the ways in which construction is done on campus.

“It pains me to see all the dirt piles, pipes, torn-up ground, and equipment riddled across campus, partially because I chose this school for its unique and strict aesthetic,” he said. “While the construction is necessary, I also want to hold the right people accountable and ensure that they are making deadlines and not loafing around. Our campus is important and not just another construction job, so I want the companies operating on our campus to understand this and work with them to create quality structures, while also making sure that students feel comfortable on their campus and that future students aren’t deterred from coming to UMW because of all the work going on. We will be working closely with administration to take on this issue, so I hope that they will also be able to aid us in this goal.”

Sophomore biomedical sciences major Jaylyn Long was elected as the 2022-2023 SGA vice president.

“Since coming to UMW and being a part

Powerful speech by cat brings students and faculty to tears

of SGA for about two years, I have seen many leaders create such change for UMW and have opened up so many inclusive and diverse spaces for students,” said Long.

“Therefore, I want to amplify those voices and those actions, and this is what this position allows me to do. Ultimately, I ran for SGA Vice President to support the community voices that are already here.”

Long wants to bring back the emphasis on community values.

“For the next year, I really want to get back to community values as a unified community,” she said. “With COVID and the release of the amazing and powerful campaign ‘You Matter,’ our community values A.S.P.I.R.E. may have gotten lost a little for some individuals, or some people may not even know what this is or how it is the epitome of our community.”

Long also hopes that students will feel comfortable coming to SGA with their concerns.

“I would like the students to know that I want an SGA where all students’ voices are heard and where students feel like it is a safe space,” she said. “However, we cannot do that without students in SGA, so I would say as many students as possible, if you can this upcoming year, to get involved with SGA. I would love SGA to be a place and a forum that students turn to, not only as students, but also as members who can make the change that they feel the community needs.”

Freshman political science major Carlos Nunes was elected as the 2022-2023 SGA diversity/unity coordinating committee chair and 2025 SGA senator.

“Even before I got onto student government, that’s the committee chair that I wanted to do, but it was already filled when I first ran, and then it was open when I ran again this semester,” Nunes said.

Nunes hopes to increase the diversity of the student body.

“My goals are just to listen and to increase diversity among students cause right now our campus is not as diverse as I want it to be,” he said.

Students fight for registration classes FROM REGISTRATION PAGE 1

thousands of dollars to this school for three years now and I’ve never actually gotten to take a class,” she said. students will get necessary information in a timely manner. We The change will be enacted next semester, after the disaster have full faith that he will exceed our expectations.” that was fall 2022 class registration. Students have already started Tippy was surprised by the large reactions but is so happy that working up their fight plans. he could inspire.

“Meow meow meow meow,” said Tippy.

Please direct all advertising “I need these classes so I can go on and get Billingsley is thrilled about the transition and feels that the inquiries to Erin Matuczinski at a job to provide for my crippling Magic the weeklyringer.business@gmail.com. university made the right choice.

“There is no one else that I would want to take my place,” said Gathering addiction.”

Billingsley. “The way he speaks, his soft yet powerful demeanor and his activeness on campus and involvement in student life are -Scotti Mullen all reasons that I think this will be a smooth transition and the university will flourish for years to come.”

“I’m an English major but a lot of people don’t know that I’m very Tippy commented on his plans for the role and how he is so skilled with a fork,” said Veronica PurrCherky, senior English major, The Weekly Ringer strives for ready to move up in the UMW community. who is notorious for stealing cutlery from the University Center. accuracy and will correct any “Meow meow meow meow meow,” said Tippy. “Meow meow Other students are less excited about the fighting aspect, but are inaccurate information meow meow.” still excited for the chance that they might actually get the classes printed in the newspaper. Please Tippy will take over the role starting in fall 2022, but for now he they need. report any corrections to Jess Kirby at is going to remain wandering around campus and being cute.

“Please I’m not approved for another loan,” said Mullen. “I need weeklyringer.eic@gmail.com or Sushma these classes so I can go on and get a job to provide for my crippling Subramanian at ssubrama@umw.edu.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical Magic the Gathering addiction.” in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken Bell tower logo designed by seriously.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in Bernadette D’Auria ‘22 nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

Advertisement

Corrections

FROM TIPPY PAGE 1

Opinion

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Page 3

People having opinions complicates life and relationships

NORAH WALSH Opinion Editor

Having an opinion is one of the hardest things you can do. It requires way too much brainpower to be sustainable to the environment, and there’s no reward for having an opinion.

With all of these factors, it’s a wonder some people choose to have opinions.

I think the norm should be people not having any opinions, and if you do have an opinion, you need to come out to your parents as being opinionated so that they can get you help. Maybe even some therapy to convert you back to being unopinionated.

“I actually remember the first time I told my parents I had an opinion,” said Jo Good, life editor of The Weekly Ringer and a junior international business major. “I just remember it being such an emotional conversation because they had never really experienced a child having an opinion before. My mom was really supportive and I’m really glad that both of my parents have made the decision to let me help myself instead of giving me the professional help to get rid of my opinion.”

Opinions are the worst because they can create gridlock in certain situations.

Look at the U.S. government, even. If nobody had any opinions, the government would function so smoothly. Imagine how fast Supreme Court justices could be nominated and confirmed, how many people would be released from jail due to marijuana-related crimes and how many

fewer politicians we would see on TikTok. But maybe it actually takes having an opinion to do any of that? No, there’s no way that could be possible.

Having an opinion also makes it so hard to be friends with literally everyone who populates the earth. It seems like people will polarize themselves against each other based on a silly little opinion, and we need to stop doing that and just get along with everybody. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of having an opinion that requires me to grow a spine.

“As my mother says, ‘never share your opinion because if you do you’ll never make any friends,’” said Weekly Ringer News Editor Josephine Johnson, a junior communication and digital studies major.

In my experience, people being opinionated really deters me from being friends with them because they don’t like things. I personally have to like everything because I hate having opinions, and I am proud to be an un-opinionated person.

Sometimes my friends shame me for not having an opinion.

“You really need to have an opinion about whether Ted Bundy was a good person or not,” said Johnson.

I do not understand why people have to have opinions, and honestly, you just should not have any to make your life easier and support the sustainability movement.

In regard to how being opinionated is not sustainable for the environment, I have, with good evidence-based on no actual studies, the proof that shows how thinking about and formulating opinions

actually plants ideas in your mind and therefore cannot plant other things outside of your mind like trees and flowers. In fact, your thinking is taking away the flowers in gardens, which has led to a decreased bee population. Yes, you heard that right, your thoughts are getting rid of the pollinators that run this world. No more Queen B due to your thinking, shame on you.

Also, if you have thoughts about how to improve the environment and perhaps decrease global warming, it means you’ve educated yourself and therefore have very strong opinions, which, as mentioned above, is actually bad for the environment.

In this sense, it is counterintuitive and contradictory to having an opinion, therefore you should just stop having opinions.

In my experience, I have found that not having an opinion makes you weakwilled, and this is honestly the best way to be because it allows people to walk all over you. Since being rehabilitated for my opinion issues, I no longer have to go to the chiropractor because the amount of people who just trample me with their own opinions has been a comparable experience and I no longer have any tightness in my back. I also no longer have a spine, which has really helped with the back pain.

“I’ve recently removed my spine because it allows me to get along with more people,” said Weekly Ringer Editorin-Chief Jess Kirby, a junior sociology and communication and digital studies double major. “I no longer have to think about what I want or need.”

Not only does having an opinion detriment the environment and your ability to be friends with everyone, but it also makes you think, which means that you have to educate yourself about which opinion to hold. I guess you could try other methods and be ignorant with an opinion, but I have heard that many people dislike those kinds of people even more than those who have educated opinions, so I suggest steering away from all opinions across the board since they only lead to trouble and hardship.

Many other people hate having opinions, and they are sure to stress on how much more difficult life is when you have an opinion.

“Honestly, originality is awful, horrific,” said Scotti Mullen, a junior economics major and news editor. “Nobody should have a single thought that someone else has had, ever. Why would you want to be different when you could actually be just like everyone else? I don’t see a value in that.”

In sum, the best way to be eco-friendly and also friends with everyone is to not have an opinion. It makes your life way easier to just be walked over by everyone, so choose to be un-opinionated for a better life.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

UMW should keep construction to help boost school spirit

NORAH WALSH Opinion Editor

In my time here at UMW, it has appeared that a staple to the culture here is construction. Therefore, we should lean into this tradition and mandate even more construction on campus. I know for a fact that none of us students can remember a time when the campus wasn’t under construction, and having a completely functioning campus would be too jarring to the lives we have become accustomed to during these past years.

In fact, when I most recently walked by Westmoreland Hall, the fence that blocked off the grass felt like a big hug, for it reminded me how comforting the sounds of construction vehicles are. The constant beeping, slamming and shouting sets the scene for our academic careers, which additionally creates a beautiful metaphor for our academic careers: As UMW is continually constructing its grounds, we are constructing our brains in class.

Scotti Mullen, a junior economics major and one of the news editors, said, “When I walk by, I look at the construction and I think about how my mind is in construction and the workplace where I go next shouldn’t be under construction.”

I would truly miss the oogles from the construction workers, too. I didn’t know that I could feel even more unsafe on campus after we had men trying to break into freshman dorms and a man walking by the amphitheater with no clothes last year. The fear and discomfort really make me grounded in my womanhood, which aids in Glenn Youngkin’s attempt to shun any information about trans or nonbinary people in schools. Worry not, Glenn, for the fear makes all of us want to be as normative as we can.

“Fear’s going to save us all,” said senior Life Editor and international business major Jo Good.

Having gaping holes in the middle of the ground also produces great opportunities for UMW students to bond.

For example, when it rains, the holes fill up and create another pool on campus, which solves any issues we may have when it comes to open swim hours at the Goolrick Pool. Additionally, since the steam tunnels are the focus of the current construction project across campus, a little wrench usage to loosen some bolts is the perfect way to make a jacuzzi-type pool, thus elevating the amenities found on campus.

“The construction holes are probably cleaner than the bathtubs on campus, and I appreciate that,” said Good.

Westmoreland is under construction both outside and inside the building for several reasons.

Kenya Carter / The Weekly Ringer

There is even a bright side to some inconveniences of having construction holes on campus.

Associate Editor and senior English and education double major Bernadette D’Auria said, “There’s nothing more fun than falling in a whole or looking at a mountain of dirt or waking up to the sound of trucks moving in front of your building. There’s nothing more soothing than that.”

The construction also gives chances for more ghosts to find their home at Mary Washington, which would make freshmen who don’t live in Virginia Hall feel more at home on campus. In fact, if enough bodies were buried in the construction holes, we wouldn’t even need RAs anymore, since we could designate a dorm for each particular ghost to tend to. Furthermore, this would be monetarily beneficial to the school since they would no longer have to pay RAs. The ghosts wouldn’t have anything else to do, and they could haunt any building they choose, which leads to a win-win scenario.

“As far as having more construction, I can’t imagine my college experience without it. All of the posters, all of the little cardboard signs, they really make it feel like home,” said Good.

All in all, it is only beneficial to encourage the continuation of construction here at Mary Washington, and I compel you to support this fight since it would help bolster our school spirit.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

A large green fence surrounds the grassy area outside Westmoreland Hall as construction continues.

Kenya Carter / The Weekly Ringer

Staff Ed: Happy April Fool’s Day! THe WEEKLY RINGER EDITORIAL BOARD Happy April Fool’s Day, Mary Wash! As per usual, our April Fool’s edition is filled with a mix of real news written by our staff writers and silly articles written by our editors, all titled under a new name: The Weekly Wronger.

This tradition has been a staple of the school paper, and we look forward to it every year.

As students, we endure a lot together, and this issue is a way for us to get a good laugh about some of our shared struggles, like Banner crashing during registration and construction all over campus. We hope that our articles—ranging from lighthearted to cynical—resonate with you as the semester nears its end.

As with all comedy—snark and sarcasm alike—these funny stories are meant to be taken with a grain of salt, not to offend or be derogatory towards anyone. Our comedic stories are ways to make commentaries about the issues that irk us here at UMW, but they all are set in the wonderful foundation of love we have for this school.

So, as we leave you to enjoy our journalistic prank, take this opportunity to find the comedic parts of your own life, especially in the ridiculous happenings that occur here at UMW. This staff editorial was led by Norah Walsh and Jess Kirby.

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Life

Page 4

Photo essay: A tour of the HAT Gallery and Lounge downtown

skyler joseph Staff Photographer A new kind of art gallery just opened its doors in downtown Fredericksburg last month. HAT Gallery and Lounge, located at 1409 Princess Anne St., operates as an art gallery, lounge, retail store and venue. According to owner and Administrative Director Andre Powell, HAT Gallery and Lounge is an art and lifestyle company. The company focuses on selling ethically made and sustainable artwork and clothing and hopes to connect with the community by using the space as a venue for community and private events, according to Assistant Administrator Matthew McCormick.

“Our focus is bringing people together with music, art, comedy and a sense of being,” said Powell.

The gallery features paintings by Californian painter Jimmy Ovadia, known for his sustainable abstract surrealist artwork, live paintings and tributes to famous musicians.

Ovadia’s collection of sustainable paintings was made using recycled plywood as canvas and is textured with pieces of recycled wood. Ovadia’s live paintings were created during public performances like concerts, festivals and other music events.

HAT Gallery and Lounge also sells clothing from Luna Wild Collection, a sustainable clothing company that ethically handmakes dresses and kimonos out of upcycled traditional Indian Saris, according to their website. The clothing company is partnered with Purnata, a non-profit organization based in India that works to end human trafficking and rehabilitate its survivors, according to the Purnata website.

The gallery is planning a grand opening event for June, but for now, its doors are open for anyone to come see the artwork, shop or check out the location. Here is a tour of HAT Gallery and Lounge’s artwork and space.

This piece is a live painting of Junior Marvin, the guitarist of Bob Marley and the Wailers.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

The center room includes a stage, couch area and large projector screen covering one wall.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

Beyond the artwork and clothing it sells, HAT Gallery and Lounge is setting up their space to be a lounge for guests and a venue location for events. The front room is where most of the artwork and clothing can be found.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

This wood-textured painting is a tribute to Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, who is known for her selfportraits.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

Ovadia’s largest painting is a tribute to the late rapper Mac Miller. It is the gallery’s most expensive painting, selling for $10,000.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

HAT Gallery and Lounge features paintings by Californian painter Jimmy Ovadia, known for his sustainable abstract surrealist artwork, live paintings and tributes to famous musicians.

Skyler Joseph / The Weekly Ringer

Life

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Page 5

Celebrity profile: Beloved boy navigates newfound fame

jess kirby Editor-in-Chief A typical day in the life of Swedish Fish, a bright red, twintail halfmoon betta and Eagle Landing resident, involves relaxing in his favorite corner, eating and making bubble nests.

But since he was on the front page of the Jan. 27 issue of The Weekly Ringer, his outlook on life has changed drastically.

“I’ve always felt cynical about humans outside of my family,” said Swedish. “But this article changed everything for me.”

The Weekly Ringer attempted to interview Swedish in January for an article about the broken thermostat in his family’s apartment. When his family’s apartment dropped to 59 degrees, his tank dropped to 70. His moms explained that although he has a heater, the temperature it heats the water to depends on the room temperature.

With Swedish’s tank wrapped in a red, fluffy towel, the reporter wanted to interview him but did not have access to a fish translator at the time. They promised to set up an interview with him at a later date, and the newspaper has since hired a translator.

“It was the first time anyone outside of my family had taken an interest in what I had to say, even though the first interview didn’t work out,” he said. “Humans call us Siamese fighting fish; they like watching us fight. I think that, historically, they’ve misunderstood us. We’re not mean—we’d just rather have our own space.”

Swedish said the article has brought him newfound fame.

“Since the article came out, I’ve had so many visitors who knock on our door and just want to meet me,” he said. “I’ve always been the center of attention in our little apartment, but having complete strangers know me by name is still so bizarre.”

Although his tank is full of decorations and hiding places, Swedish prefers to reside in the upper corners.

“I appreciate the decor, but I’m just a chill dude,” he said. “My corners are where I work on my bubble nests, and they’re just where I feel most comfortable. If my moms come and sit at the counter next to me, I’ll swim up close to them, stare at them and blow a bubble. I just hope it shows them how much I love them… and that I want food.”

When Swedish was adopted by his family on March 1, 2021, he was about half of his current size, and he’s grown immensely since then. His moms acknowledge that he has his quirks, but they love him even more because of them.

“I like that he swims up to wherever we are to see what we’re doing,” said Lauryn Bailey, a junior history major in the secondary education program and one of Swedish’s moms.

Another one of his moms, junior psychology major Carson Miller, described Swedish as “fiery,” and not just because of his looks.

“He goes on hunger strikes, even though he’s just ravenously hungry all the time,” said Miller. “He’s a special boy.”

When asked about the hunger strikes, Swedish sighed deeply and paused.

“I think there was definitely a learning process for me and my moms,” he said. “I never had a tank before I moved in with them, so I used to get really upset when they

Swedish Fish goes from your average betta to overnight stardom, all because of his thermostat.

Jess Kirby / The Weekly Ringer

would take me out to clean it. Sometimes I’d get so upset that I’d refuse to eat for a day after just to show them how pissed I was. I think we have a better understanding of each other now, but it was just something I had to learn to trust them on.”

Swedish requested the newspaper refer to him by his first name rather than his last.

“Fish is so generic,” he said. “My moms rarely ever call me Swedish Fish, but it is my full name. Usually I’m Swedish or Silly Boy.” In an effort to share his perspective with others, The Weekly Ringer offered him a position as a recurring columnist, but he politely declined—he’s got betta things to do.

This story is part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

Fresh starts and new energy: Let’s talk the astrological new year sarah eltayeb Staff Writer Flowers are blooming and the campus is shrouded in fertilizer: spring is here. With the spring equinox comes longer days, warmer nights and—most importantly—the beginning of the astrological new year. For those of us that may not have gotten off on the right foot this January, the astrological new year may be a second chance at a fresh start.

The sun officially entered the Aries constellation on March 21 and has brought with it a shift in energy. We’ve all felt it—going to class has been a little harder and soaking up the sun is probably at the top of a lot of our to-do lists, it’s natural!

Let’s recap really quick from the last column: if we picture the constellations in the sky as a wheel of zodiacs, the planets all move along their course through each zodiac sign. Aries sits at the head of the wheel and thus signifies the beginning—a figurative rebirth or renewal. We consider the new year to be when the sun, as opposed to any other planet or celestial body, moves into Aries, because it is the governing body in the solar system. The sun and moon are unique in that they are considered to be planets for all astrological intents and purposes, but they are more specifically luminaries. The sun gives light and life to all within the solar system, so its sign in your chart represents how you are seen by those around you.

The astrological new year signifies a shift into more outward, external momentum.

The sun is exalted in Aries, meaning it is strong and is fully expressed in all its potential.

The sun represents life force and Aries, the self-directed pursuit of personal interests or desires, so it’s time to tap into that, whatever it may look like for you.

I write this column not only for the astrology lovers but also for the curious and downright cynical, so think of it like this: longer, sunnier days call for easy living and sweet times. Astrology doesn’t need to become your new scientific dogma to feel its effects; its cyclical character inherently aligns with nature and just makes sense if you let it. Take advantage of it all! I hope I don’t speak only for myself when I say there’s been a burst of energy and determination recently. Burnout is inevitably plaguing a lot of us, and the astrological new year can bring with it opportunities to cut through it a bit more as the semester comes to a close.

Devil & Goat

Illustrated by D.K.

These articles are ultimately a revival of the UMW newspaper’s “In the Stars” astrology column from years past, so I thought I’d sprinkle in a callback to the original column with some quick horoscopes to guide us all going into this new year: Aries: Happy birthday! Pedialyte and kombucha—great for head and stomach aches…

Taurus: Pull the trigger on that shoe purchase! Grounding is great and all, but they’re getting the grass ready for commencement and we need to avoid footprints in the baby grass.

Gemini: Put the scissors down, I promise the changing seasons don’t need a hair change. Weren’t you just talking about growing your hair out?

Cancer: You’ve got a good eye for the finer things in life—have you been to R&R Antiques downtown? I think you’d like it; shopping small and sustainably is definitely the move.

Leo: Don’t worry, we may be celebrating the Aries’ in our lives right now, but we’ll get to you in time; whether it’s a summer job or a little vacation, try to solidify those plans!

We’re excited to fit ourselves into your schedule.

Virgo: I’m going to be real, we know you’re usually right, but did you have to say I told you so? It stings a little bit—speaking of, did you remember to put sunscreen on today?

Don’t get it in your eye.

Libra: Your outfit looks cute! Remember: you can never be overdressed, everyone else is simply under-dressed.

Scorpio: Turn the music up and space out—I’ll give you permission just this once. It’s been a long winter.

Sagittarius: Your hair looks cute! Hats may be going out of season, but you can never go wrong with a good bandana.

Capricorn: Did you just flinch? Say it with your chest, no need to be so hesitant; own it!

Aquarius: Give your ears to words, but do not give your words to ears—maybe take a back seat talking a bit more, your earrings are too cute to be adorning ears that aren’t being used.

Pisces: Speak up more! And not just when you’re cursing someone out (even if it’s for valid reasons).

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Life

Page 6

The Talk with Cosmy Pellis: Embracing awkwardness in sex Cosmy pellis Associate Editor I am extremely saddened to announce that I am ending this column.

Everyone is slut-shaming me on campus and even my mom hates it.

Just kidding! Happy April Fool’s! You guys love me, admit it. Let’s get into this week’s column.

Sex can be so awkward. The first time having sex with a new person can be especially uncomfortable because you don’t know each other’s bodies well yet. This is normal, and I honestly think it’s a fun part of the process of getting to know someone.

That being said, the more comfortable you are with a sexual partner, the more you’ll enjoy having sex with them. In order to do that, your body has to relax, and being in your head, insecure or worried really doesn’t help. Awkwardness is not bad, and it can even make you feel more comfortable and happier with your experience if you embrace it. It’s all about the approach and mindset. Here are some tips on how to embrace the awkwardness, alleviate stress and transform first-time, uncomfortable sex into a fun bonding experience.

Show physical affection outside of sex If the only time you and your partner touch is during sex, no wonder you feel uncomfortable! More casual touching when you’re just hanging out will make you feel a lot more relaxed around each other. This shouldn’t just be a means to an end—the end goal isn’t necessarily sex—but being more touchy whenever you’re together will help to alleviate the awkwardness of sex.

Being physically affectionate outside of the bedroom is also a healthy emotional practice; it shows that you’re attracted to each other inside and outside of a sexual context. It also will help you to understand each other better and break that touch barrier before it evolves into deeper intimacy.

This also means that touching or kissing doesn’t automatically equal foreplay. That association can be super stressful for people, and you should both feel comfortable setting boundaries for when you want touching to lead to more or not.

It’s also really important to be mindful about how you touch your partner in general.

If they aren’t comfortable with PDA, you should respect them or ask them how you can be affectionate with them without pushing that boundary.

Don’t take yourself too seriously It’s so easy to feel insecure during sex. It’s possible that your body won’t look “perfect,” and there are going to be weird angles, but the right partner will value you and your body no matter what. People probably think that I’m super confident since I write this column, but self-esteem is something I have to consistently work really hard at, and I still struggle with insecurity.

My best advice is to not take yourself too seriously. Sex is messy, sweaty and imperfect,

but that’s the beauty of it. Taking yourself lightly comes from a place of empowerment, and that comes with realizing your worth and your value. Being confident in your sexuality and not taking yourself too seriously helps make your sexual partner feel more comfortable, so remember that sex is a mutual act, and the treatment and respect you give to the person you’re engaged with should be reciprocal.

Humor is your best friend Laugh with each other. This is the number one easiest way to lighten the mood and ease any tension or stress during sex.

So many awkward situations can arise during sex, like weird noises, head bumping, awkward limbs and not knowing where to look. The best way to dissolve any uncomfortable feelings is to make a joke and laugh about it together. The more you do this, the quicker you’ll be able to come up with jokes. If you feel like it’s awkward, your sexual partner probably does too. Joking about it can ease the tension you’re both feeling, and it can make the sex way better. It’s so difficult to keep feeling uncomfortable when you’re laughing together, and this will bond you and your partner and take some of the pressure off.

You can also make fun of the funny parts of sex, within limits. Never make fun of your partner’s body or how it looks during sex, and don’t make fun of their performance, either. But if they say something funny, you get kinda stuck in a position, someone queefs, I don’t know, all of that is fair game. Did I just write the word “queef” in the school newspaper? Yeah. Happy April Fools!

Establish banter and dialogue Making fun of yourselves and each other leads right into my next piece of advice: communicate with each other! Talking during sex can make it a lot more enjoyable. You and your partner can get to know each other in a new way and feel a lot closer afterward.

You can ask questions about whether something feels good, suggest trying a new position or really bring up anything you’re thinking about. Asking questions is vital to making sure that you’re both having the most enjoyable experience possible.

It’s also important to establish a dynamic between you two, and that can heighten the experience. Without getting too far into the details, not only can dirty talk make sex better, but it can also be really healthy and help you understand each other and your turn-ons. It can also increase you and your partner’s confidence.

Praise your partner We often get so wrapped up in worrying about our own sexual performance that we forget to give our partners positive affirmations. This is so important. This is another way to increase your partner’s confidence, and chances are they will follow your lead and start praising you as well.

If you like something specific that your partner does during sex, tell them! If you think they look really hot, tell them! There’s no reason to keep compliments or positive thoughts to yourself. Sex is so vulnerable, and I can 100% guarantee that your partner will be so happy to hear it. One main goal of sex should be to make your partner feel good, both physically and mentally.

Sex is better for everyone when both partners feel confident in their bodies and abilities. Awkward situations will inevitably occur, so embrace them and laugh at them. I hope these tips help you say goodbye to uncomfortable sex and embrace more empowered, fun, even hilarious sex that boosts your mood, your self-esteem and your connection to your partner.

Submit your questions about sex for Cosmy to answer in her column!

Scan the code or use the tinyurl below.

All questions will be anonymous.

Past columns: The Talk with Cosmy Pellis: Assessing age gap relationships The Talk with Cosmy Pellis: Safe sex is more nuanced than just condoms and bananas

News

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Page 7

B.o.B. performs for Big Spring Concert amid controversy

jacob veil Staff Writer On March 22, former Billboard chart leader B.o.B performed at the annual Big Spring Concert, planned by the Campus Programming Board. B.o.B’s performance kicked off at 8 p.m. at Dodd Auditorium with roughly 500 students in attendance, according to Director of Student Activities and Engagement Sandrine Sutphin.

Because of the rapper’s belief in conspiracy theories and past controversial statements, some students were concerned about him performing at UMW. According to Sutphin, UMW is paying $30,000 for B.o.B’s performance, which comes from student tuition fees.

“We didn’t announce [his performance] until after we signed the contract,” said Sutphin. “Because we were contractually obligated, if we tried to cancel we would have still had to pay him that $30,000, and that doesn’t feel like a good use of student fees either. And so it’s definitely a tough situation to be in.”

Some students were upset with the decision to use student tuition fees to book B.o.B. “I think that school should be funding different things such as tuition assistance, and some money could be allocated differently to help students more,” said senior Keegan Frederick, a political science major.

The Campus Programming Board members issued a statement on their Instagram account but declined to comment for this story.

“While CPB accepts a performer’s right to creativity, any external performers invited for a performance on our campus do not by any means express an endorsement or approval of the performer’s personal ideals on behalf of CPB or the University of Mary Washington,” the statement said.

“The reason that they put out that statement was that they had received, I believe, three messages, private messages,” said Sutphin. “I heard that there were also comments on Yik Yak but we can’t really do much with something that is shared anonymously.”

B.o.B. has caused controversy after performing at other universities.

Photo courtesy of Jenna Montijo

Sutphin continued, “I think if the overwhelming response had been do not bring him to campus, like I think if there had been a majority of students who signed a petition … we definitely would have had that conversation to say, ‘we don’t we don’t want to bring him to campus.’ At that point, we’d only received three messages and again, not to discount their perspective and their opinions and their feelings about it.”

According to Sutphin, the Programming Board sent out surveys to allow students to choose the performer for the Big Spring Concert, and B.o.B won. By the time that three students direct messaged the Campus Programming Board, UMW had already signed the contract for his performance.

The Campus Programming Board will be “updating the survey to include an area to express any hesitations or reservations you may have on the artists presented,” according to their statement. They also encouraged students to participate in the productions cabinet or reach out to the Board’s advisors to further the discussion.

B.o.B has performed at Virginia Tech and Washington and Lee University in recent weeks and has been invited to perform at Duke University in the future, Sutphin said.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, B.o.B

released a single titled “Flatlines” where he mentions conspiracies he believes in. In the song, he asks the audience to “Do their own research on David Irving” and says that “Stalin was way worse than Hitler, that’s why the POTUS gotta wear a kippah.” “Kippah” is Hebrew for a yarmulke or Jewish skullcap. The song “invokes the anti-Semitic conspiracy theory of Jewish control of the U.S. government and promotes a notorious Holocaust denier by name,” the Anti-Defamation League said.

The Southern Poverty Law Center describes David Irving as “the world’s most prominent Holocaust denier.”

Rabbi Menachem Sherman, the campus director of UMW Hillel, said, “UMW Hillel does not harbor any bitterness or ill will towards CPB or any students who attended what sounded like a very entertaining concert.

It is unfortunate that B.o.B has amplified the widely discredited work of David Irving. This university has students whose grandparents were Holocaust survivors and Holocaust denial is especially painful for those students. Often cloaked in academic language, these Holocaust deniers belittle the most tragic period of our Jewish history.”

Sherman also said he would love to further the discussion with others.

“I’d love to use this as an opportunity to educate others on how and why these conspiracies have contributed to extremely high levels of anti-semitism still existing in our country today,” he said.

Some students said they did not want their tuition money going to B.o.B because of his views.

“It’s disappointing, especially because some of my tuition was given to me by my Jewish relatives goes to B.o.B,” said senior Alexander Regan, a political science major.

Other students said that B.o.B has a lack of notability.

“His only notable performance is that he did something with airplanes, like, 10 years ago, and that’s the only thing I’ve ever heard from him,” said sophomore Ryan Llufrio, a history major.

Crime Time Baptism initiative to foster student connection Time for FROM BAPTISM PAGE 1 Crime JOSEPHINE JOHNSON & sCOTTI MULLEN News Editors

Dumpster Fire On March 30 at 4:20p.m. all dumpsters on campus caught on fire. This case is pending.

Larceny Once again, every single tree was stolen from campus. At this point we have just accepted fate.

Petit Larceny On March 29 at 1 a.m., Tippy the cat stole my heart. I am taking him to court.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

about this new initiation ritual and the Mormon’s increased involvement on campus?

“The Mormon guys on campus are so flirtatious,” said Weekly Ringer Opinion Editor Norah Walsh, a Spanish and philosophy double major. “They start talking to me about Jesus and I’m like, are we about to kiss right now? I’m so glad that they’re getting more involved in student life.”

Walsh is not the only one with a thing for the Mormons.

“I once dated a Mormon,” reminisced Weekly Ringer Life Editor Josephine Good, a senior and international business major.

“Craziest week of my life.”

Upperclassmen are jealous of the freshmen’s new opportunity for baptism.

“I wish we had something like this when I was a freshman,” said Weekly Ringer Associate Editor Bernadette D’Auria, a senior English major in the five-year education program. “All the cool stuff is happening right when I’m about to graduate. I literally spent my entire college experience wishing to feel the touch of a Mormon man. All they did was try to convert me on my way to class.”

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

Student found dead in construction site FROM BODY PAGE 1 Prior to her untimely death, D’Auria worked at the Simpson Library in the access services department. For her senior year, she was promoted to stacks student supervisor, leaving her responsible for making sure students shelved the books correctly.

“She was very dedicated to her job,” said junior communication and digital studies major and Business Editor Erin Matuczinski. “We started working at the library together the same year, and I’m pretty sure she only talked about books and what tasks she needed to get done.”

Matuczinski was promoted to the interlibrary loan student assistant position in winter 2021. Her promotion was in part due to her hard work and in part due to her desire to escape D’Auria’s constant ramblings about books. However, she was unable to escape D’Auria’s company completely, as both of them were editors together for The Weekly Ringer.

D’Auria was associate editor for The

Weekly Ringer.

“She initially was our online editor in 2020-2021, but to be honest I don’t think any of us knew she existed,” said senior English major and Sports Editor Victoria Percherke. “Gonna miss her though, she sat next to me in the clubhouse this past year.”

“She was the Edward Cullen to my Bella Swan (literally, we did that for Halloween).”

-Jess Kirby “I am constantly kicking myself for not talking to Bernadette sooner,” said junior sociology and communication and digital studies double major Jess Kirby, the editorin-chief for The Weekly Ringer. “I thought we’d have the rest of our lives to be friends, but I thought wrong. She was the Edward Cullen to my Bella Swan (literally, we did that for Halloween).”

Sophomore philosophy and Spanish double major Norah Walsh, opinion editor of The Weekly Ringer, will also miss D’Auria.

“I think everyone is going to miss Bernadette,” said Walsh. “We have hung out a couple of times and I thought she was really fun to be around, especially when we would share stories about the wild things that are said in our classes. She recently told me about a conversation involving armpits in her fiction writing class and I have been haunted by it ever since.”

D’Auria will be missed by some. Those who want to celebrate her memory can visit the library and pace around the stacks frantically, one of her favorite pastimes.

Maybe you’ll even run into her; even though she did not believe in ghosts, some have reported seeing a specter with glasses sitting and re-sorting books in the stacks.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

Thursday, April 1, 2022

Sports

Kinsey Brooks earns three All-American titles

Alexi woodward From March 16 to 19, Kinsey Brooks, a Brooks’s coaches were able to attend the Staff Writer sophomore nursing major and athlete on the Mary championships in Indianapolis, Ind., with her.

Washington women’s swim team, competed in She was also able to bring one of her longtime the NCAA Division III National teammates, senior swimmer Championships. Brooks competed and biomedical sciences major in three events, the 200-yard Courtney Wolfgang. individual medley, the 100-yard Wolfgang said that she and breaststroke and the 200-yard Kinsey have been swimming breaststroke. Brooks returned together for eight years. home holding the title of All“Seeing her compete at the American in all three of her events. biggest and most competitive “I was happy overall,” said meet in college swimming was Brooks, “especially coming back amazing!” said Wolfgang. “She with three All-American titles. works so hard in and out of the That was kind of the goal going pool and her success is very well into the meet: making it on the deserved.” podium.”

Brooks said that she and The All-American title Wolfgang are a good pair when is awarded to the top eight it comes to handling high stress competitors in the Division III situations.

National Championships.

“I’m really comfortable with “I was thrilled with her, and I don’t want to put myself Kinsey’s performance at NCAA Kinsey Brooks competing at the NCAA’s.

UMW Athletics in a situation where I don’t know Championships as well as the someone super well and they don’t way she handled the events,” said women’s swim Coach Justin know me in a high stress situation,” said Brooks.

Anderson. “It can be such a nerve-racking experience and she Brooks was also able to reconnect with some previous coaches handled it excellently. Especially as her first NCAA Championship, that also had attended the meet, including previous UMW swim I was extremely proud of her performance. Kinsey did a great job Coach Abby Brethauer. approaching it, and in terms of how things went this year, I don’t “I just want to thank my parents especially, for nonstop support think it could’ve gone any better.” and helping me get to where I am. This isn’t an easy sport, and their Brooks said her coaches were supportive throughout the entire support means the whole world to me. And my teammates as a process. whole—they were also just really supportive,” said Brooks.

“Coach Anderson and Assistant Coach Ryan gave 100% to me, One of Brooks’s teammates, sophomore biomedical sciences major especially in those upcoming weeks getting me to that competition,” Conrad Tan, said, “I have no doubt that she’ll be on top of the podium she said. one day!”

The coaches were willing and able to adjust to suit her class Brooks emphasized the importance of pushing through no matter schedule, Brooks said. Even with short notice, they made themselves what. available for her training outside of scheduled practices.

“Training wise, I always give 100%,” said Brooks. “When you’re “Being in nursing school, it’s not always easy to make all the swimming, it’s really easy to give up, especially when you’re tired, but practices, so they were available at any time,” Brooks said. “I would you have to break through and find another gear and keep pushing say ‘okay, for the next day, this is what works for me,’ and they were hard until the race is over.”

‘100% we’ll be there.’ UMW athletics is great. I love everyone I’ve Victoria R. Percherke contributed to reporting for this article. ever come across. They’ve been super nice.”

Baseball resumes spring season on Ball Circle

On Sunday, the UMW baseball team faced off Notably, two players, freshman history major ABIGAIL SLAUGHTER against Salisbury University, winning 20-2 and Sam Kendrick and senior biology major Arthur Copy Editor bringing UMW’s overall team record to 15-10.

Ballingslee, each bunted for a home run, a tactic Unlike their other games, the teams faced off at an unusual venue: not typical of the men’s team.

Ball Circle.

“I felt I had to bunt because Ball Circle is now sloped down towards Third baseman Simon Basent, a sophomore history major, hit Virginia Hall, which is where home plate was,” said Ballingslee. “I three home runs in the third inning. knew that if I bunted the ball, it would just roll backwards towards “It was a magical string of threes,” he said. “We all played a great home base, confusing the catcher and making the other Salisbury game. I’m not sure if it was the field or what, but Ball Circle is now guys run for it.” my favorite place to play.”

Some students living in Ball, Madison, Custis and Virginia Halls Assistant Coach Derek were able to watch the game from their dorm rooms.

“We as a university Faucher was impressed by community thank you “It was so fun to watch the game from my room,” said Samantha the team’s performance, Carterson, a senior sports management major. “My roommate and for your willingness despite playing on a different I opened the windows to get some fresh air and to really enjoy the to play in an atypical field than they typically do. game, but we closed them after hearing some glass break. I think “Basent and the other guys all sports teams should play on Ball Circle if it means the fans and environment.” played a spectacular game, people passing by can get a front row seat to the action.” stepping up to the plate and After two and a half years of a “ball pit-like environment” on Ball - Anna Billingsley knocking it out of the park,” Circle, according to construction manager and owner of Kjellstrom said Faucher. & Lee Pete Alcorn, students can now eat, play sports and scream The two teams played on Ball Circle due to the university’s out final exam frustrations on Ball Circle. UMW baseball was the construction work on the steam tunnels that has left the area without first sports team to play on Ball Circle out of many more to come, grass. With just over a month until commencement is scheduled until grass grows back and recreation is deemed by the university as to happen on Ball Circle, this game fast-tracked the university’s detrimental to grass growth. timeline of grass restoration.

“Nature is healing,” said Pete Davardson, a junior environmental “We needed our guys to play on Ball Circle for last Sunday’s game science major. “Thanks to the baseball team’s hard work, I’m already because they’ve got cleats,” said Faucher. “Their cleats aerate the seeing grasslings sprout just outside of Virginia Hall. It’s so great to area, which helps grass grow in an area the school needs to be ready see.” for graduation.”

The baseball team is set to face the Christopher Newport Anna Billingsley, associate vice president for university relations, University Captains this Tuesday, following the painting green of sent out a congratulatory email for the team’s win and their the places on Ball Circle that continue to remain grassless. If the contribution to the landscaping efforts on campus. team beats Christopher Newport, they will qualify for the NCAA “We as a university community thank you for your willingness Division III playoffs, which start April 9. Although the Captains to play in an atypical environment at which you not only crushed currently have a 15-5 record, the Eagles are confident they can put Salisbury, but also helped us prepare for commencement,” said up a good fight.

Billingsley.

“We’ll be back on Ball Circle again, facing off against CNU and Baseball is not the only sports team that UMW has relocated playing as a team like we always do,” said Kendrick. “As long as we due to construction on campus. Earlier this semester, the women’s keep this momentum and get to play on Ball Circle again, we’ll crush swim team was relocated to the Rappahannock River under the them.”

Falmouth bridge, and the men’s tennis team was moved to the UMW This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in Apartments courtyard patio. nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

Page 8

University of Mary Washington

Spring Sports Schedule

Victoria R. Percherke Sports Editor

Track & Field

April 2 vs. Battleground Relays April 9 @ Christopher Newport Invitational April 23 @ Johns Hopkins Invitational

Men’s Lacrosse (6-4)

March 26 W @ Marymount (2010) March 30 vs. Roanoke April 2 vs. Messiah April 9 vs. Stockton

Women’s Lacrosse (5-4)

March 27 W @ Randolph-Macon (11-10) March 30 @ Shenandoah April 2 vs. Salisbury April 6 vs. Catholic

Men’s Tennis (7-3)

March 25 W @ Kalamazoo @ San Antonio, Texas (8-1) March 26 L @ Trinity (3-6) April 1 vs. Christopher Newport April 2 vs. Carnegie Mellon

Women’s Tennis (7-3)

March 26 W @ Washington @ San Antonio, Texas (7-2) April 2 vs. Carnegie Mellon April 3 @ Washington and Lee April 9 @ Swarthmore

Baseball (14-10)

March 30 @ Bridgewater April 2 vs. Christopher Newport April 6 vs. Mary Baldwin April 9 @ Salisbury

Softball (16-11)

March 26 W vs. Gettysburg (3-0) & (8-5) March 30 @ Va. Wesleyan April 1 @ Shenandoah April 3 @ Lynchburg

Games are available to watch via livestream on the UMW Athletics webpage Full schedule not listed above.

Most recent games included.

Bold indicates home game.