THE
APRIL FOOL’S EDITION
GRAY & BLUE THE UNIVERSITY OF MOSTLY WOMEN STUDENT NEWSPAPER
APRIL FOOL’S PAGE All articles on this page should be considered satirical and not be taken too seriously.
PRESS
March 30, 2017
VOLUME 90 | ISSUE 20 SASSING THE COMMUNITY SINCE
Office of Student Affairs pushes boyfriend registry
Wut in school
TESSA CATE Viewpoints Editor
CancelLation? Vocelli’s staff biking under influence KELLY EMMRICH & ETHAN TOBIN Staff Editors
On Saturday night around 9 p.m. an employee of the Vocelli’s delivery team hit the University of Mary Washington mascot Sammy D. Eagle in front of the spirit rock. A UMW student who was a witness on the scene tweeted “OMG eagle down!!!!” at the UMW campus police.
biker for a BUI (biking under the influence) and revoked biking privileges for the remaining time of the semester. In asking to comment on their heroics, one Eagle Patrol officer responded with poise. “Vocelli bikers have a longstanding history of biking dangerously close to pedestrians walking through campus. Unfortunately, Sammy D. Eagle was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Typically we respond to three to five Qdoba spills per week, but we knew this one was different. I came to the realization that you had to be drunk to drop pizza.” -Eagle Patrol Responder According to several witnesses who were playing humans vs. zombies, a Vocellis delivery boy allegedly lost control of his bike heading northwest down Campus Walk towards the Nest and collided with Eagle. Upon impact, Eagle was found unconscious and received second degree burns to the face from multiple pizza pies flying out of the cart. “I first noticed something was wrong when there were pizzas on the ground. I’m only used to seeing spilled Qdoba,” said one witness. “It was shocking.” Two first responders from Eagle Patrol came on the scene after reading a thread of the event on Yik Yak. Upon arrival they smelled alcohol on the Vocelli worker’s breath. “Typically we respond to three to five Qdoba spills per week, but we knew this one was different,” said an Eagle Patrol responder. “I came to the realization that you had to be drunk to drop pizza.” After questioning and assessing the scene, Eagle Patrol cited the Vocelli’s
IN THIS
ISSUE
After receiving applause from a middle school tour group one Eagle Patrol responder waved and said, “we’re just here to do our job and serve the UMW community.” Sammy D. Eagle was immediately rushed to the student health center and given 200mg of animal tranquilizer and sent home to recuperate. Following the incident, groundskeepers were sent over to the scene to clean the pizzas off of Campus Walk. Upon arriving to the scene, the groundskeeper reported a clean walkway. Students reported seeing a swarm of Willard residents rushing out to collect the scattered pizzas around the spirit rock and ran back into their rooms never to be seen again. Vocelli’s released a statement, saying that “measures would be taken to ensure that students are not hit on campus.” Vocellis also plans to breathalyze all of their bikers before the start of their shifts.
WACK-A FLOCKA
It’s been a minute since Waka Flocka did something LIFE | 9
After months of strategic analysis and in-depth research, UMW’s Office for Student Affairs will push forward with its newest (and most literal) effort in student engagement: The UMW Boyfriend Registry. In a recent survey of all female students by UMW’s Office for Student Affairs, the university’s women classified UMW men in the following 13 categories: Thinks his track pants and slides are endearing, Loves weed more than he will ever love you, Has three classes with his ex so don’t even try, Broke up with your suitemate via text two weeks ago (and is already back on the market), Meathead recruited by athletics, Wants to see you at 1 a.m. but ignores during class, Flirts with you at parties but has a girlfriend at CNU, Seemed cool in high school but isn’t really that great, Still hasn’t received the cargo shorts memo, Gross. 78 percent of the female student population polled that they are having a hard time finding boyfriends because “the boys here all fall into these deal-breaker categories, and if there are ones who don’t, they’re hiding or something.” The university hopes that with better recording and monitoring, they can identify more single, “boyfriend material” men and guide the campus dating scene. An unnamed representative from UMW’s Office for Student Affairs stated that “The College of Mary Washington opened its doors to male students in the early 1970s for the purpose of increasing student engagement adding the MRS degree to the curriculum.” This is not only in response to the lack of options, but the fierce competition they face during the hunt. The university is convinced that a Boyfriend Registry will be able to combat this issue. The registry will be implemented in the fall of 2017 as a prerequisite to spring course registration and a hold will be placed on every male UMW student’s account until he fills out the registry. An extensive amount of information will be covered by the registry, including: gender identification, date of most recent hookup, whereabouts of exes, time elapsed since last relationship, major, GPA, stance on “butt stuff,” campus activities, career ambitions, height, hair and eye color. This information will be updated during every course registration period, and new categories will be added after the registry’s initial trial as the Office for Student Affairs sees fit.
Students protest end-of-year grades with the hashtag #NotMyGPA CHRIS MARKHAM Editor-in-Chief
The school year is approaching its home stretch and students at the University of Mary Washington are feeling the academic pressure on their shoulders. For seniors, the grades they earn for the next month may dictate whether or not they earn a diploma in May. While many are scrapping by with their grades, there are some students who are dealing with their poor grades outside of the classroom, library or office hours.
“I need a miracle to graduate on time.” -Mikey Barnes A new group has recently formed on UMW’s campus to combat, what they call “academic injustice” with different forms of peaceful protest on campus. So far, in the early stages of the protests, their main forms of statement are through banners hung off of the University Center, painting the Spirit Rock and chalking the parts of Campus Walk where rain doesn’t go, ensuring it lasts beyond its point of relevance. Senior Mikey Barnes is one of the newest members of the group, citing his need to pass his last semester of classes as the reason for joining his 18th UMW club. “At this point, I need a miracle to graduate on time,” Barnes said. “Protesting seems to be what all the kids are doing these days, so I figured I’d give it a shot. If anything, it’ll give me an excuse to skip class and procrastinate more.” The group has not decided on a formal name yet, but sources say their current options are DivestGPA, Academics United and Take My Debt, Not My Degree. The group has formed a social media following as well, with the platform of #NotMyGPA, which is currently the highest voted post on Yik Yak. To spread their message, students will be selling #NotMyGPA t-shirts in front of Lee Hall all week. However, the students selling the shirts have vowed to remain silent during the sales to honor those affected by academic injustice.
BIG DILL
PIG SKINS
VIEWPOINTS | 5
SPORTS | 12
Students are choking on Sodexo’s pickles
1922
UMW announces addition of football program.