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the review
Evil Dead: The Musical
That’s right readers, Teddy is reviewing a musical. You see, in between inhaling small mountains of cocaine, crushing half gals of Maker’s Mark, and disrespecting women, I too am a fan of the arts. So, when I was presented with the opportunity to see Evil Dead: The Musical, I called up the most elegant lady I knew and began planning our escapade to Detroit. As my readers know, I've written a little bit about dating classy women, so I walked the walk and did just that. After treating m’lady to some overpriced food and a handful of mojitos at the Hard Rock Café, we stumbled down to the City Theatre, arriving fashionably late and looking classy as fuck. Upon entering the theatre, we noticed that the writers for other newspapers all sat in the back row, diligently taking notes and looking uncomfortably sober. In the front three rows,the seats were covered with garbage bags because this section of the theatre was called the "splatter zone." Clearly, this is where we sat. Throughout the performance, whenever a character gets stabbed, shot in the face, saws off their hand, or has their heart ripped out (all of this totally happens), fake blood gets sprayed all over the crowd. Now, keep in mind that I’m not talking about a light spray that gingerly grazes the audience; I am talking about a full-fledged, fake-blood bloodbath. The first time this happened, I was hit square in the face, giving me a nice taste of blood (tasted like shit), while my date was hit in the cleavage. At that moment, I knew this play was getting a minimum of 4 stars in my book for the boob shot alone. The premise of Evil Dead: The Musical is so simple that they openly mock it in the performance. Basically, the story is about five college kids who go to a cabin to get boozed up and bang each other. You got the hero Ash and his girlfriend Linda, the classic college couple who met at some dead end job—but as we all know, paradise doesn’t last forever. Linda gets infected and turns into a psycho zombie bitch on Ash, so he does what any red-blooded American would do; he takes a chainsaw to her head. Ash’s hand gets infected too, so he goes to the well again and saws that sucker off. To add insult to injury, the decapitated head of Linda flicks its tongue around like Bree Olson in a porno while Ash’s hand motions like it’s jerking off. Genius!
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Ryan adams
Ashes & Fire
Lucky number 13 doesn't crash & burn At first glance, it’d be easy to take the new Ryan Adams album, Ashes & Fire, and say, “Wow, this is so boring and so slow; what happened to the Ryan Adams from Rock N Roll? And if he’s going to be slow, why can’t it be like the Ryan Adams of 29?” It’s too easy to be critical of him when he’s not absolutely perfect, because he’s done such amazing music in the past. But with the death of The Cardinals bassist and the subsequent disbandment of the band, it’s no wonder his latest album has been quoted as, “a study in musical minimalism.” Translation: less is more, and Adams shows us that perfectly. After all, this is Ryan Adams thirteenth studio album, so it’s not like this 30-something doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even the title of the album is something interesting to ponder, preferably stoned and with other Ryan Adams’ enthusiasts; don’t ashes normally come after a fire? What does the reverse symbolize? Someone, discuss with me! But no matter what the title signifies, I personally think that Adams no longer making music with The Cardinals is a blessing in disguise. By himself, Adams is much more in control of the music and The Cardinals added a bit too much of that southern honky-tonk that I just can’t fucking stand. While this album is definitely very slow, very soft and very emotional, it’s great music. Sure, it’s not something you’d want
UPCOMING RELEASES
B
to listen to everyday, but would you want to watch The Shawshank Redemption everyday? No, but you can’t deny that it’s a great movie. This album holds its own with the music, but it’s the lyrics and themes that really take this album to a new level. The album starts off slower than the rest, and it starts to pick up midway through with “Chains of Love,” which alludes to a positive feeling of being tied to love, an awesome metaphor that shows that being attached at the hip with someone you love isn’t such a bad thing. In the song “Lucky Now,” Adams sings about growing up and forgetting his past (aw, old people), but apparently still feeling lucky and okay about it: “I don’t remember / were we wild and young / all that faded into memory.” The next song, “I Love You But I Don’t Know What to Say,” ends the album on a really soft, really honest note that you can’t help but appreciate. While Ryan Adams has taken many steps away from the upbeat, high energy rock and roll of his past, he shows us that growing up isn’t so bad. He’s just using his indoor voice more often, with fewer heavy guitar solos. But what did we learn today? That’s right, less is more. Now, shhh. Sounds Like: Sappy, sappy, sappy, but wonderful. Download: Chains of Love, Invisible Riverside, Lucky Now Listen to it When: You’re making out in the rain.
>>>
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Accompanying Ash on this adventure is Ash's sister Cheryl, who is constantly called a stupid bitch throughout the musical for no reason whatsoever. The coup de grace however is Scott and his slutty fling, Shelly. Scott is a bro; he’s always pounding beers, asking for BJs, and constantly pelvic thrusting toward the crowd even when his guts are spilling out. Even on his deathbed, he cries out, "Life is a bitch. A stupid bitch!" then throws up a hand for a high five. Fuck. Yes. At this point, it is no surprise that I had a raging broner. The vulgarity of the musical combined with the low-cut shirt on my date had me on the edge of busting a Broadway nut. However, it was upon the entrance of Annie, Ed, and Jake that my Broadway balls burst like the Hoover Dam. Annie is the prissy scientist bitch of the musical, but to make up for her ear-piercing voice, she continually loses her clothes to the point of being stripped down to just her panties. Ed is the token black guy, who even does a musical number where he acknowledges the fact that he is a “Bit Part Demon” only to be killed immediately after his song ends. Ed was my date’s favorite; he was a big ass redneck who dropped the F-bomb with such a carefree attitude that it even shocked me. This musical wasn’t the first time I’d sat around and watched young people singing and dancing, but the only reason I watch Glee is in hopes of sleeping with its primary demographic (sorority girls). This musical was much more fitting to my tastes. Songs such as "What the Fuck Was That," "Stupid Bitch," "You Blew That Bitch Away," and my personal favorite, "Bit Part Demon," left me laughing hysterically. I never knew I could actually enjoy a guy tap dancing around a stage while flashing his jazz hands. To sum it all up, this musical had everything: sexual innuendos, untamed vulgarity, a girl running around in panties, blood spraying all over the audience, limbs being chopped off, and a few mild tones of racism. If you’re not already salivating at the thought of getting tickets to this, I have no idea what you’re doing with your life. Guys, grab a girl you dig, plan a fancy dinner, and watch the romance fly. The Black Sheep is known for its low brow humor, and at times childish antics, but if we ever wrote a musical, I’m sure it would be just like Evil Dead: The Musical.
teddy baum cox wrote this