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Volume 19, Issue 8 — 10/05/11 - 10/12/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Excerpts from Christopher Columbus’ Journal

corey wrote this

August 2, 1492 I’m finally setting sail tomorrow in search of a western route to the Indies. It’s about damn time; I’ve been trying to get someone to sponsor me for years. It’s like, do they want to get in on this lucrative spice trade or not? Finally Ferdinand’s love for a dash of cinnamon with his French toast and addiction to opiates got the best of him. It’s your lucky day, Ferdinand! After I successfully navigate this route, you can have all the cinnamon and opium your heart desires. I have been so stressed preparing for this trip. It is a logistical nightmare getting things in order when you could be away from home for a year. Thank goodness my neighbor has been so gracious about house sitting. Let’s see, he’s going to pick up my mail and newspaper, water my plants—I hope he doesn’t overwater the hydrangeas, I specifically told him to be careful about that—and clean my pool. I told him he could swim in the pool if he wants. It was the polite thing to do, but I honestly don’t really want him swimming in my pool. And the cats can take care of themselves. I’ll just put a big bowl of kitty crunchies and a water dish down or something. That’s all figured out, but packing my suitcase is still a source of much anxiety. What am I going to do about underwear? I never pack enough even on day trips, and there will be no opportunity to do laundry on the ship. I have 100 pairs right now. Is that enough? I think I’ll go add more. I have three pairs of socks, two pairs of jeans, and a few gym shorts thrown in. I know I probably won’t work out, but losing ten pounds was my New Year’s resolution, and it’s already August. If I don’t pack them, I definitely won’t work out, so at least I’m giving my thighs a chance of toning up. And should I bring my bathing suit? Even if I have time to swim, do they have swimming pools in the Indies? I’ll pack it anyway; it’s always good to have. I know I’ll regret it if they have an awesome pool and I’m stuck in jeans. I feel like I forgot to pack something. I’ve gone over the checklist multiple times, but I just have that feeling. Ugh, I’ll have to trust I included everything. August 4, 1492 I forgot my damn toothbrush. I knew it! What good is toothpaste without the brush? Am I just supposed to use my finger? I always feel so gross doing that. The rest of my first day was okay. Once I got on board, I immediately stuffed my mouth full of Dramamine. If I had forgotten that, I would have turned this ship right around. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I decided I would take a few minutes to relax and sunbathe on the deck. The bathing suit is paying off already! Good call, Christopher. Other than that, not much happened. The crew seems nice. Everyone is settling in well. August 20, 1492 I hate it here. Today we were all examining the map to track our progress and formulate a plan going forward. I looked at the compass and said, “Cardinal directions, eh? Out here, it’s more like seagull directions, am I right?” No one laughed. A joke like that would have killed in my crowd back home. And the other day I overheard some crew members saying this was the boring of the three ships and that everyone on the Nina and Pinta was having a blast. The Santa Maria is not a boring ship! We have shuffleboard, and game night every Wednesday, and salsa lessons! I’m a

Other stuff

Inside

06: What Your Ex Was Really Saying to You

It’s not you, it’s me, and by me, I mean you (suck a lot).

fun guy! The Nina and Pinta can have their late night drunken revelry, tickle fights, and singing of jaunty sea tunes. We have a very respectable trio of a cappella singers here on the Santa Maria called the Sea Section. They provide tasteful three part harmonies everyone can enjoy. So screw you guys! In other news, my sexual arousal is out of control. Over the past week I’ve seen mirages of busty, promiscuous mermaids six times. If I don’t unleash this energy soon I’m going to start humping the ship itself. August 21, 1492 Painful penis splinters. September 9, 1492 As the sun was setting tonight, I gazed out at the horizon. The encroaching darkness combined with the boundless nature of the ocean made me feel so insignificant. I am but an inconsequential speck in this universe, no more important than a piece of seaweed—a slave to the random motions of the sea. If my ship sunk tomorrow and I sank into the abyss along with the splintered bits of wood, this planet would not know any different. Would I be missed? In the short term, yes. But on a geological time scale, no. That is true for every being that has ever existed and ever will exist. What is the ultimate nature of human life? This is a philosophical question I will continue to ponder. Holy shit, I almost forgot, I saw a dolphin today! And so many cool fish! Things are looking up. September 29, 1492 There was an awful storm last night. For hours the crew adjusted sails and held on to ropes for their dear lives. One of our crew members perished, but he was actually a fugitive and I think he was stealing extra rations of food this whole time so whatever. The real tragedy is that the ship suffered some significant damage. This thing is a rental, and stupid me didn’t spring for the renter’s insurance. That’s going to be hanging over my head the rest of the trip now. The only positive is that the ship was due for a good cleaning, and the rain saved me the hassle. October 13, 1492 Yesterday we spotted land! Someone spotted it before me and was the first to shout, “land, ho!” I told everyone from day one that I wanted to be the first to say that. It was the only rule we had. I literally carved it into the ship. At any rate, he will not be getting his bonus when this is all over. It’s such a relief to finally be in the Indies. We had the pleasure of meeting the natives. They were very nice, so polite and willing to give. I kept asking for the cinnamon and opium, but they acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. It must be the language barrier. I’ll keep trying to build relations with them over the next few weeks. This promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship that will in no way end in their demise.

08: The Hunt for Your Perfect Apartment

If you like cockroaches and mildrew, we got the place for you!

10: Gangland:12 Blocks of Belligerence The rough-andtumble life on the hard, fratty streets.


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Table of

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p5: Sex in the CU: Scaring Off the Rebound Our valiant editor opens up about the pains of not getting laid. p7: Facebook Why Do You Have to Go and Change This time it really is you, not me, Facebook. P9: What Will Aliens Think of the Human Race? These guys really liked pornography. P9: From the Streets What would you do for a Klondike bar? P16: Bartenders of the Week College kids have the weirdest sexual fantasies.

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P16: Drinking Game If you play The Stump Game enough, you’ll end up with one for an arm.

P17: Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine Review Dun get sum, pa. P18: 90s Song Lyrics That Never Died Sorry Spin Doctors, no shoutouts here. P18: Top 10 Ways to be the Worst Date at an Exchange P19: FAQ for Rave Virgins There will be drugs. Lots of drugs. P20: Movie Review We just can’t wait to see The Lion King in 4D! P21: CD Review We won’t listen to Feist’s new album more than one, two, three, four times.

P22: fortune tellings Yes, we do know what's going to happen to you. And no, you P16: Recipe for Disaster: Break- aren't going to get laid soon. fast Toaster Sorry. It’s not just for making waffles anymore.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

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Dear Carl, I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do? Sincerely, Father-to-Be

Dear Fucked-Already, If watching daytime television has taught me anything, there’s a 99% chance this child is not yours, so there is a glimmer of hope for you already. It’s simple; just invite her to go to New York City and take her on The Maury Povich Show. Then have her go through a rigorous lie detector test, because even if this little bastard is yours, you have the right to know if she’s been sleeping with your neighbor and your neighbor’s brother and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate, and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate’s sister – even though that one would be kind of hot – you have the right to KNOW what you’re getting yourself into! That way when she has the little sucker, no one will ever blame you for leaving her, I mean she slept with the entire offensive line, you’d be a fool for sticking around with her. Or you could go ahead and do the noble thing and be a father to this kid, but let’s be serious – you have plans next weekend, so why not just get that DNA test and your name cleared.

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SEX and the u

Having yourself some rebound sex is supposed to be effortless and easy according to everyone who’s talked to me in the past couple of weeks. However, somehow I have managed to have zero of it. There are plenty of ways to get some excellent and much deserved playtime, but, I seemed to have zoned in on all of the ways to get absolutely none. Here’s what I’ve been doing wrong, and some mistakes I see other people making all the time. Generally I begin my nights by downing as many shots of the latest Pinnacle vodka as humanly possible, which is

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Scaring Off the Rebound

what I have labeled the first mistake. Being single means you must now fend for yourself. Back in the days of relationshipdom, you had someone around to look out for you when you got sloppy and puked down the front of your shirt at the curb of the bus stop. This person no longer exists, so sluggin’ back shots like a fat kid with irrefutable tolerance isn’t the best plan of action anymore. Nobody wants to sex up the puker whose eyes are rolled into the back of their head like they just got off the set of the newest exorcism flick. Another incredibly common mistake is trying to hook up with someone who you actually want to hook up with. This is the ultimate rebound no-no. You’ve just gotten out of a serious relationship, you dingus. How on earth do you expect to have sex with someone else without crying all over them? Which brings me to my next point. Crying. Seems pretty obvious, that this one’s a super big boner kill, but after a couple of tequila sunrises have made a serious sunset on your ability to remember there are actually good things going on in your life, you’ll find yourself sobbing about your serious lack of sex life to any stranger who’s unfortunate enough to walk by. You’re not

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Carles Barkley wrote this

getting laid with all that mascara running down your face, mister, so suck it up you big cry baby if you ever want to put your boner in a lady again. Finally, don't unleash your pent-up crazies all on one human being. Ohmygod, is that person paying attention to you? It’s been ages since anyone’s listened to you. Do they know that you haven’t had sex in several months? Would it be weird to tell them about your crushing depression ever since your dad left when you were thirteen because you lied about his friends molesting you as a child to get attention because you were suicidal in middle school? If you tell this person all of these things, then they will feel bad for you and want to make your life better. No one will ever want to leave you again, RIGHT?! NO. Do not do that. Bottle that garbage up. Bottle up all those repressed daddy issues and your inner hottness will soon start oozing out. People with daddy issues are always awesomely hot. Basically just do your best to avoid these couple of teeny tiny detrimental-sure-to-insure-you-will-never-havesex-again things and you should be okay. Yeah? Get out there, buddy, and go have yourself some fun.

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What Your Ex Was Really Saying To You langer danger wrote this You’ve just been dumped, and that sucks. As if the fact that you were just tossed aside like a sack of ripe garbage wasn’t bad enough, your dumping was delivered with one of those God awful, cheesy breakup lines. They’re the worst. They don’t give you any real closure about why that asshat you were dating decided to call it quits. Feel free to put that box of Hostess treats away. The time to be sad has passed, because I’m here to give you the translation of those awful one-liners. “I think we should start seeing other people.” Translation: “I’m already seeing someone else.” C’mon, you saw this one coming. All those late nights and early mornings were lies. Your significant other was out banging their hot new piece. I know your lower lip is probably quivering right now and you’re thinking that your lover would never betray you, but let’s be real here. You don’t dump one person and give that line unless you already have another slam lined up. Do yourself a favor, and delete your former flame from Facebook now. Sure enough, after the courtesy week has passed, the new status will read that soand-so is now, “In a relationship.” Don’t say you weren’t warned. “I just need some space.” Translation: “I just need some space way the hell away from you.” It’s pretty clear that you’ve become clingy, or maybe your obnoxious habits have driven your one true love away forever. Either way, my advice to you is to knock off whatever that irritating behavior is. Not everyone wants to spend every waking minute with you, or maybe this person did only to eventually find out that you grind your teeth during your sleep, interrupting their REM cycle. “God doesn’t want us to be together.” Translation: “I don’t want us to be together, because I met someone more in touch with the Lord than you are.” Your efforts of getting that super-Christianbut-really-freaky-in-bed girl have failed. She’s found someone who will cuddle her while reciting Bible verses. This one isn’t even your fault. Cut your losses, and go find someone without morals. Those people are

more fun anyways. “I think we’re better off as friends.” Translation: “You’re no longer physically attractive.” Maybe you’ve gone up a few sizes because you’re complacent. “I’m in love! It doesn’t matter what I look like. DP Dough is my favorite place to eat everyday!” Girls, maybe you’ve stopped wearing makeup because your guy lied to you and told you he thinks you look better without it. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but being friends just means he or she no longer wants to have sex with you.

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“We should take a break.” Translation: “I want to break up with you, but this seems like it’ll provoke less crying.” This line is the cowardly version of the, “I just need some space” line. For whatever reason, your lover has grown tired of you, but he/she just doesn’t have the balls to say that outright. You’d probably start crying like a little girl and begging for forgiveness and nobody wants to see that. “I don’t have time for a relationship right now.” Translation: “My other obligations are way more interesting than you are.” Be it work, classes, or friends, you fell behind on the list of things that special someone would rather do. If you want to have time for somebody, you typically find the time, right? Know why they don’t have time for you? They don’t want to have time for you. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Translation: “It’s definitely you.” This is just a culmination of all of the previous reasons. There’s likely something wrong with you. Now, now, I know I’ve been harsh on you, dumpee, but I still have faith in you. If your ex resulted to using one of these stupid lines, you’re probably way better off without him/her. Find somebody out there who’s ballsy enough to tell you what the actual problem is… or at least somebody who can make up a better excuse. Enjoy being single, and milk this breakup for all it’s worth.

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Facebook Why Do You Have To Go and Change? Hannah Johnson wrote this

Log into Facebook and scroll down the Newsfeed for some potential creepage to occur. You will notice this new thing called a ‘ticker.’ A Facebook popup will then notify you about all the changes. Your eyes bulge at that sight of all the new features. You will scream, “How dare they switch it again?!” Update your status: “Man I hate this new fbook – now every1 can see what im doing 24/7 & I don’t even know half these bitches on my friends list. now everyone can see that i liked your page, your status & those photos of your dad in a Speedo over the summer. people don’t need to know that, ya knowww” Just when we thought we knew everything about Facebook, Mark Zuckerburg went and made the biggest changes in the website’s history. The changes were so big that some users are still awaiting the changes to occur on their page because only so many profiles can change at a time. So if you have no idea what these changes that I’m talking about are, then you are not alone – just slightly less important than everyone else in the world. But if you are not one of those losers out there, then you know the only reason everyone got a profile is to stay up on everyone’s shit. We want to be constantly told what is going on without having to actually talk to a single human being because let’s be honest, face-to-face communication has become a thing of the past. We have become the generation that says, “Oh no, I don’t know that girl at all,” [as your avoiding eye contact by pretending to text], but deep down we’re all thinking, “I was

all over her profile last night and we all saw her skanky pictures she was tagged in. I bet she actually has no real friends and all these pictures were Photoshopped, like her boobs. That bitch.” But these are just fond memories of the old Facebook now. The new Facebook is forcing everyone to become a stalker without even realizing it, taking all the fun out of creeping through profiles. You become guilty by association just because you logged on to your profile. Once you log in you’re swarmed with information about people you don’t even know. Vice-versa, now real creeps don’t have to spend as much time in their vans in the middle of the night. Now they get the same information about you from the comfort of their home. It’s like a win-win situation for them. But even though real predators may enjoy all the new added values to the website, a good chunk of the 800 million users do not. Facebook should a take hint from the blemish of the social networking family, Myspace. Once they started adding all that new shit people were all like “Fuck this, I’m going to Facebook.” Not even Justin Timberlake (co-owner of Myspace) could save that sinking ship. Facebook was once the leader of the pack and has now become just another carbon copy of other sites out there. Even though Zuckerburg is trying to make the world more connected within their communities, the lack of originality is only going to push users away to better sites like Friendster or Chemistry.com.

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The Hunt for the Perfect Apartment kitty kat wrote this For all you losers out there still living in dorms, I hope this article provides you with some information about how to bring your cool status up a notch. No longer do you have to worry about your RA busting down your door to catch you sipping cheap Burnett’s or puffin’ the magic dragon. Fear no more about being embarrassed when you bring a hot babe back to your room, only to find your roommate passed out on your bed covered in puke and ramen. The days of pathetic freshman worries are all gone. It’s apartment hunting season in Champaign-Urbana and a fly new crib will pave the way for success in all of your future endeavors, academic and not. First off, it’s all about location, location, location. Sure, that gorgeous 5-bedroom mansion next to Meijer may be your dream home, but let’s face it, it’s not too practical. One, do you really want to rely on those city buses every day of your life? The ones that are notoriously late and always smell like the homeless? Or you could get a car instead. If you’re up for spending ridiculous amounts of money on gas and parking in obscure places to avoid the Nazi-vulture police officers, then be my guest. I’ll stay on campus, thank you very much. The University of Illinois is extremely lucky to have the largest Greek system in the nation, not just for those kiss-ass philanthropy events, but because the chances of running in to a gorgeous hunk of muscles or boobs just increased by 200%. How do you completely take advantage of this? (Hint: location.) That’s right: look for places leasing next to popular sorority or fraternity houses. Maybe if you’re lucky enough, you’ll even be able to see in to their windows when they bring someone home to bang! You’ll probably be so close that you could rig up a badass zip line and just slide on over to their parties, too. It would also be helpful to stay somewhere near the Quad, and that’s not just for proximity to classes. Every major event this school has to offer takes place on or near the Quad. There’s the Homecoming parade, movies on the Quad, scary religious protests, free BBQs, the naïve freshman hotties running in their high heels and too-short skirts during Rush ... talk about a view! You also might want to check out the stereotype of the people already living in the complex you’re interested in ahead of time. Are they cool Asians? Unfriendly black hotties? Girls who eat their feelings? Sexually active band geeks? Are any of them attractive, possibly

single, and looking for a good time every Thursday night (or every night)? How often do cops bust their parties? More importantly, how often do they have parties? Maybe get to know the people in the exact unit you’ll be signing a lease for. Are there any secret diseases on their mattresses that you should be made aware of? Any hidden dead bodies in the closet? That could really take a chunk out of your security deposit. The final, most important factor in this search is to decide who you want to live with. It’s best to explore all possible options because you don’t want an anti-alcohol-cockblocker laying on your couch all day, running up the electric bill with endless hours of PS3. You need that cool, laid back bro type who always has an extra condom to spare in emergency situations (and doesn’t care if you need to flog the log on lonely nights). Or that drop-dead gorgeous blonde with all the party hook-ups and an endless wardrobe. Also, try to look for someone who knows how to cook. You can’t live on PBR and cereal forever, sicko. Hope these tips have helped you figure out how to narrow your search down a bit more. Remember, whatever you do, don’t settle on being an RA. It’s like committing social suicide. (Who really gives up Unofficial to have their room and board paid for?) Happy hunting everyone!


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From 'da Streets

What Aliens Will Think of the Human Race After We’re Gone

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

"What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"

Mike Benson, ya dingus! wrote this Transmission #57621 - Ancient, planet-wide civilization found abandoned on Earth - October 5, 2013 For the past 10 months my platoon has uncovered a vast and complex civilization which had, up until just before we arrived, inhabited the majority of the planet Earth. Immediately upon setting foot on the planet’s surface we uncovered the source of the civilization’s demise: I’m afraid to say it, but it appears that Steve Jobs has succeeded in murdering yet another planet. We estimate the time of Earth’s Macintosh Coordinated Poison Assault to have occurred on December 21, 2012. We initially set off for Earth after intercepting the Voyager satellite in the early nineties. We didn’t think much of the classical music and have never been big Chuck Berry fans. However, when we discovered that one of the Earthlings to work on Voyager was Carl Sagan, we immediately made our way over, for the chance of meeting such a legend. The journey was long, but rewarding. We reached the planet called Earth shortly after the beginning of the year 2013. Being that we arrived so shortly after the humans’ slow and painful undoing, most of their records, buildings, and monuments were left in pristine condition. Our first major shock was when we discovered that humans spoke English and used the same dating system as us. “What are the odds of that?” we thought. Our question was quickly answered when we noticed David Bowie records scattered around Berlin, Germany. That bastard must have been hiding on Earth for thousands of years, giving the humans language, science, and a unique blend of psychedelic folk-rock. Immediate impressions of Earth yielded a strong sense of division and distrust between the several continents and nations of the small planet. Religion clearly played a key role in this antagonism. For instance, one continent in the western hemisphere of the globe worshipped a pantheon of gods which included a clown that apparently molested children, a military colonel who specialized in killing chickens, and an all seeing, omnipresent, “Burger” king who was never depicted as having any physical form. This contrasted differently from the other side of the globe, which worshipped a god named Ash Ketchum who, as their theology put it, captured “Pokemon” (Spirits which, when caught, gave the possessor wisdom and power). The followers of this religion were encouraged to do likewise. The issue of race also played a major role in how humans interacted with each other and structured their society. After reviewing hours of records and documentations it is clear that the Anglo/Caucasian race was greatly discriminated against in this society. While the Caucasians worked all day in stressful jobs wearing “ties,” a constant symbol of their servitude, the humans originating from the African continent spent their time partici-

“I would lick blue guy off of Kam’s Floor.” - Chris V., Sophomore

pating in sport with each other and drinking bottles of “Cristal,” a drug humans used for relaxation and attainment of females. Again, while the Caucasians spent their lives in pointless prisons of low self-esteem and shopping malls like lab rats, the group known on Earth as Hispanics spent the majority of their lives dancing around with large breasted females. One curious aspect of Earth is how some areas are impressively well developed and show signs of great wealth, while other places appear to have no civilization at all. For instance, the majority of the African continent is almost completely untouched. We assume that this is because the humans wished to devote a section of the Earth to their animal inhabitants. We assume no humans were left to fend for themselves on this undeveloped continent in the year 2012 – that would just be unethical. Assuming that our original hypothesis is true, we find it commendable that humans cared so much for their animals! However, we did find a disturbing lack of elephants and Siberian tigers. A strangely primitive aspect of the human civilization was the fact that they still depended on crude oil as their primary source of energy. They clearly had not yet discovered the vast environmental and economical benefits of burning baby kittens for fuel. Rather, it appears that humans loved baby kittens, and even kept them as pets. Almost no baby kittens were burned for fuel in the entire history of the human race, according to our research. In spite of its defects, the civilization on Earth was respectfully sophisticated. Except for the band Nickelback, thank god the humans died before THAT band was thrown on wax and sent to space.

"After reviewing hours of records and documentation, it is clear that the Anglo-Caucasian race was greatly discriminated against in society"

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Gangland: Twelve Blocks of Belligerence Mr. Byrnes wrote this This week on Gangland we explore a world of anal sex, vigilantes, and keg stands. When traveling through central Illinois, it's not uncommon that people may avoid the County of Champaign. Sure, the campus surrounding the University of Illinois looks like a normal Big Ten college town, but danger brews within the bellies of the elite members of the Twelve Blocks of Belligerence. Stemming from the Greek system at U of I, the Twelve Blocks of Belligerence are a notorious conglomerate of twelve “blocks,” each consisting of one sorority and one of the top ranking fraternities of self-corrupting, party-rock, social violators. They reign supreme here during a particular time of the year, the fall, when leaves turn poo brown and the game of football puts the dastardly deeds of the Twelve in the shadows. The Twelve are particularly known for their weekly so-called celebrations every Saturday, where each block gathers at their known place of debauchery, including Kam's, Joe's, and the infamous Red Lion. We encountered a member of a block, although the block's name will not be revealed due to its secrecy (lawsuits). We asked him some questions regarding the typical block gathering. Name: Michael Alias: Cum-Stains Affiliation: Straight Bro Cum-Stains: “Saturday's ain't a joke, brah. You could end up on the floor in your own pee if you mess with the wrong people. Blocktenders hook us up, chyea and shit's so crazy.” Blocktender Definition: One who drops bombs on all members of the block, usually in the form of Vegas Bombs, Bubble Gum Bombs, and other Bombs that taste fruity. Cum-Stains: “Chyea, it's like there's nothing above us, do you know what I am saying? We make the world turn, like cows produce milk 'cause of us, pshhhh.” Once a young male or female finds his/her way into the elite Twelve, he/she can never leave unless “excommunicated,” or in other words, graduates from the University and moves on to the real world (sometimes even The Real World). A young male student will start off in his fraternity as a “Pledge,” also known as, “maid.” After paying his dues, the pledge enters an initiation. Each initiation varies, but typical practices include the insertion of bananas into other pledge's rectums and streaking through undergraduate Economics classes. Once a pledge passes initiation, he becomes a Bro, traveling up the ranks from Goon Bro to Straight Bro, one can eventually become a top ranking officer, a Fratstar.

Fratstar Definition: A top-ranking official within a fraternity. Has the power to delegate what all his lower tier Bros wear, drink, and eat, and where to sleep, beat off and make love to sheep. We found a local Fratstar that goes by the alias, Jabroni Jim. He had some revealing things to say about his involvement in the Block process. Name: Jimothy Alias: Jabroni Jim Affiliation: Fratstar Jabroni Jim: “You know, I basically control the colors and outfits we wear. It's all 'bout the boat shoes, teal polo, and matching teal flat brim. If you're real down, you wear a snap-back. We sport teams like the old Charlotte Hornets and throwback Mariners because they’re ballin'. Once the temp gets too nippy, we toss on the flannels and it’s sick. I always buy like ten Vegas Bombs for my lower-tier Bros because that means respect. I always get respect from those biotches.” We followed up on a meeting in which one group of posing Block members invaded on another Block's turf at a certain bar on the morning of Saturday, October 22nd. The invading students were a group or random individuals who had no affiliation with each other. Needless to say, shit nearly hit the fan. Jabroni Jim, just a Bro at the time, was among the actual Block and was defending his turf. Jabroni Jim: “Chyea, when we walked into the place that morning at 7AM, it smelled exactly like the night before. There's just something about the smell of garbage, sex, beer, and hotness that gets the boys a little fired up. So when we came across these posing hipster bro-wannabes, we had to show them what was up, you know? I was a Goon Bro at the time, which meant I had to step in and bring the noise. Me and the other Goons buttoned up our flannels and dropped the Thirty-rack to take care of business. We were just standing next to these kids at the bar, jokin' about their gay look and stuff. Once one of them looked at us, we pounced. The flannels came off and we had no choice but to talk shit and hold each other back. It was a well-performed TFM*, so in the end they backed down.” *TFM: Total Frat Move The quarrel never escalated further, but it just goes to show that if you find yourself in the wrong bar on a Saturday morning in the fall, you might not make it out alive. And if you do, pshhh, you're one of the lucky independents.

Mike...did your brother piss on our couch? I think he did. - Steve Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Wait...Jake...you're not an alum and you can't give me a summer internship? Dammit. - Sarah Boy from MNJ - what's your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? Dear Homeless Man outside of Den: Please stop blocking the Black Sheep newspaper bin with your cart so that I don't have difficulty getting the latest edition of the Black Sheep...oh, and please stop staring at me through the window...I already bought you a 40! Jackie, next time you decide to bring home a random guy and girl by tempting them with a threesome, pass out, and let them hookup on the couch...I'm going to shave your head. They left love stains! -Pissed Off Mandy Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your roommate that got it in Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a '21' pimp stein class in the black sheep sheep box on First. And I found it. I win. SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


concert tickets 50% drinking/food and more! coming soon!

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campusf lock.com The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

SPECIAL NIGHT

Football Saturdays! We’re open EARLY before the games Home or away we’re your headquarters! Great specials & MORE!

WED 10/05

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

THURS 10/06

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

PRIVATE PARTY

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Any Liquor & Red Bull Shot or Bombs! Every Thursday! DJ Ollie DJ D.M. | DJ Ghostface

FRI 10/07

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE & OHMPHREY featuring members of UMPHREY'S McGEE

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $5 Wings & Fries $3 Porch Steps! 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots

In Your Ear Band (Early) Beards & Bass! (Late) DJ Belly & DJ Mertz

Candy Foster and Shades of Blue Live at 8:30PM! $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95

SAT 10/08

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

GIRLS NEXT DOOR (Early Show!) JONATHAN TYLER & THE NORTHERN LIGHTS (Late Show!)

Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pm $3 Jager Bombs $2 Silver Tequila Shots

New Ruins CD Release Party! Alpha Mile (10PM) Psychic Twin (11PM) New Ruins (12AM)

$3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRIDAY: DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE & OHMPHREY featuring members of UMPHREY'S McGEE WILL HOGE with ERNIE HENDRICKSON (Early Show!) Chalice Dubs presents 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!)

FRIDAY: Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $5 Wings & Fries $3 Porch Steps! 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots

SATURDAY: New Ruins CD Release Party! Alpha Mile (10PM) Psychic Twin (11PM) New Ruins (12AM)

FRIDAY: Candy Foster and Shades of Blue Live at 8:30PM! $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Party Here! 217-398-2688!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

SUN 10/09

Closed

PAPADOSIO with THE COOP

Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

MON 10/10

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

SARA BAREILLES with ELIZABETH & THE CATAPULT (Sold Out!)

Bucket Monday! BEARS vs LIONS 7pm $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

TUES 10/11

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/Miller Coors $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE CHRIS ROBINSON BROTHERHOOD featuring Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas $2 for 2 Tacos

WED 10/12

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

PEARL JAM TWENTY Special Documentary Film Screening - 7pm FREE SHOW!

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers


Beer Run? More Like a Quick Jaunt. When you live next door to a grocery store, you’ll always be ready for an impromptu party.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

5 words... Lingerie Football League Fantasy Football Game at 9PM on the big screen in dance bar

WED 10/05

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Woodchucks $4 Jen Howe's

THURS 10/06

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

FRI 10/07

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Absolut Citron $3 Any Draft

MLB Playoffs $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Jim Beam Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $6 Buckets of Natty Light Bottles BLACKHAWKS OPENING NIGHT! Hawks vs Stars 7:30pm RED BEER on TAP! Win Hawks Tickets! $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

SAT 10/08

$3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes...Come get sloppy

Firehaus OKTOBERFEST #19 ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pm Hawks vs Jets 7pm WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS Win a Glass Das Boot! We are giving away one every hour starting at 6pm

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Check our website for special events!

1/2 price burgers and the Illini going 6 - 0 Watch the game in our beer garden

SUN 10/09

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

NFL FOOTBALL $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings $10 Natty Light Hydrants

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Open at 11am for Lunch Full Food Menu...Then Sunday Funday

MON 10/10

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Minute to Win It: Win a Soco Lighted Pub Sign $1 SHOTS Firehaus Mug Night You Keep the Glass Mug $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

BEARS vs LIONS 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots Win 1 of 2 Payton Jerseys! 1/2 Priced Appetizers 4pm-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Bears v Lions at 7:30PM Win a trip to Vegas during the 4th Quarter

TUES 10/0411

Monday: MNF then MNJ Win a trip to Vegas 1/2 Price Sandwiches

TURTLE RACES & MLB Playoffs Win Big Prizes Every Week $2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

WED 10/12

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

SATURDAY: Firehaus OKTOBERFEST #19 ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pm Hawks vs Jets 7pm WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS Win a Glass Das Boot! We are giving away one every hour starting at 6pm

Minute to Win It: Win a Flip Camera $1 SHOTS Firehaus Mug Night You Keep the Glass Mug $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4JagerOh Yeah's $2.50 Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

THURSDAY: $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Special Night $3 Absolut Citron Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $3 Any Draft Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s


Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too. FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! • Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 10/05

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The ABSOLUT Party $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

IL at. Indiana 1:30PM $3 Jack Daniels Honey $4 Blue Guys $2.50 22oz Lite Drafts Open at 11AM

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$2 DRAFTS of Natty $3 Jager Bombs 3 Absolut $3 Bacardi

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 10/09

Oktoberfest All Week! $5 Boot Fills All Week Until Monday 10/10! $4 Boot Fills During Monday Night Football! Feat: Sam, Leine, and Spaten!

SAT 10/08

Monday Night Football BEARS vs LIONS 7pm Free Pizza At Halftime $1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 10/07

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 10/06

MON: Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

TUES: Outbound Drive $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Live Country Music!

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Monday Night Football! Bears vs. Lions $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

Monday Night Football BEARS vs LIONS 7pm Free Pizza At Halftime $1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers WIN A JERSEY!

Monday Night Football! $1 Miller Lite $1 Coors Light Pints $5 Boot Fills!

MON 10/10

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Outbound Drive $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Live Country Music!

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 10/0411

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 10/12


Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late-n

ight weekend serv ice

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

and that’s not all!

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!


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Bartenders of the

Week

JoJo Erdenetstogt Geo's

Major: Integrative Biology Relationship Status: A little here a little there. How often do you blackout on the job? Every single time, it’s not a question anymore. What would you do if you walked in on your parents having sexual intercourse? Ew, I don’t even want to think about that. When did you stop bathing with your siblings? I never stopped. Worst sex position you’ve ever tried? The helicopter dick spin. If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? The helicopter dick spin. What’s the last CD you actually bought? Like, must be played in a CD Player CD: Spice World Dream Job? Trophy Wife or getting paid to pet furry things. Would you rather be mauled to death by a girl scout troop or by a panther? I would rather not be mauled at all actually, thank you. Describe your perfect guy/ girl in under 5 words. Creeper mustache, beer belly, sex offender, likes to cuddle, and hung like a horse... Oops, I went over 5. Would you rather get a mustache ride or a rim job? Mustache ride, but only if it’s a porn star mustache.

drinking game:

The Stump Game Are you feeling lucky or just sick of run-of-the-mill drinking games? Walk away from the beer pong table for a hot second and head outside for a round (or six) of the stump game. After all, chicks dig dangerous shit… right? Number of Players: At least two. What you need: A big ass stump, one nail for each player and one hammer. How to Play: - The Stump Game is played around a big honkin’ stump. The objective is to have the last nail standing. - First, each player should slightly hammer a nail into the stump in a circle. - To determine the amount of whacks each player should get, he or she must toss the hammer in the air and catch it ON THE GRIP (if the hammer is not caught by the grip it is passed on to the next player). Each player will be able to earn a maximum of four whacks per turn. The difficulty of the executed catch determines the amount of whacks the player is to receive and are ranked as follows: - Straight up- 1 whack - Under the leg- 2 whacks - Behind the back- 3 whacks - Unique style catches (determined at the discretion of participants)- 4 whacks - If you catch the hammer, you try to drive your opponents nail into the stump. When your nail is completely into the stump you must shotgun a beer. The stump game has been said to get easier once you are a few beers deep. The game ends when: Someone gets hurt, so after 10 minutes.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Mike Montemayor kam's

Relationship Status: Single If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? Katy Perry; she has the purest vagina known to man. If you could have your house to yourself for a weekend what would you do? Kam’s and Silver Bullet party. 80’s rave, Lisa Lipon won’t get kicked out this time. Would you rather lick the floor of Kam’s or Red Lion? I’ll one up you, the pole at Silver Bullet. Where was the first time you got to second base? Zach Meyer’s apartment when I visited Freshman year of high school. It was MIND BLOWING. Stripper name? Patrick Bateman Who do you hope the Victoria’s Secret Collegiate Showdown performer will be? The girl who did this interview, seriously. What is one talent most people don’t know that you have? I’m immortal, try me, I dare you... What color underwear are you wearing? Wrong day to go commando... How did you ask/get asked to homecoming in high school? Took the girl who blew me under the bleachers at the game. Who was the last person you crept on Facebook? James Desanto’s previous beatdowns. Craziest thing a person has offered for a free drink? Whoah, nobody gets free drinks around here.

recipe for disaster:

Breakfast Toaster

Who in their right mind doesn’t love breakfast for dinner? Even people not in their right mind love it, and they take that love to places we sober people never dared to take them.

What You Need: 1 sausage patty, 2 fried eggs, 2 slices of bread, 1/4 cup of milk/ egg mixture, peanut butter, syrup and hot sauce are optional. Cook Time: 15 minutes, but it’ll feel like 50 years. Fatty Factor: If it’s 4am, doesn’t this count as a balanced breakfast? We think so. Let’s Get Baked: - Take a sausage patty and throw it into a hot pan; cook until there’s no more pink in the middle. - Next, fry up two eggs to your particular fried-egg delight. Once the sausage and eggs are done, remove them from the pan. - Dip your pieces of bread into the egg/milk mixture and cook it up on the stove top, like French toast. - Once the bread is fully cooked, remove them from the pan. - Spread peanut butter on both sides of the bread, and place the sausage and fried eggs between them. - Drizzle on syrup, hot sauce, or both. See, getting toasted and doing something weird doesn’t always end bad! Now, the time you drank 4 cups of that Jungle Juice with Everclear and started heckling a dying bush, that was pretty weird.


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Review

17

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

WE GO DRINKING SOME Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine Thinking of moonshine one harkens back to the days of yore, when men were men (and were missing teeth), cars topped out at sixty miles per hour and owning a gun was almost as common as owning a wife. Now women can vote (weird, right?), guns require permits, the fastest car in the world tops out at 267mph and one can buy a bottle of mass-produced rum that’s brewed to taste like whiskey. What place does bootleggin’ booze have in today’s world? There is one, and it requires loud music and dancing.

Tastes Like: Apple pie that’ll get you shithoused. Drink It When: The Apple Pie Moonshine should be drunk any time you’re not required to operate heavy machinery or do complex math. Because moonshine is a neutral spirit, there’s no weird oak aging or agave to muddle up the apple pie flavor, so this stuff tastes like liquid, American heaven. If your mom’s pie tasted half as good as this does, maybe kids wouldn’t have made fun of you for coming from a broken home when you were growing up.

Original Corn Whiskey: Grade: COverview: Moonshine is a lot like wasabi, too much of it will royally fuck your shit up, but in moderation it’s a delightful accent to whatever you’re applying it to. The Ole Smoky variety is no different, if you’re stupid enough to shoot it straight (stares at self) you’ll end up a quivering mess of hate, praying for the sweet release of death. Sip it or mix it and the express train to insanityville will let you off before it reaches the final destination. Tastes Like: Good tequila mixed with high-octane gasoline. Drink It When: After a hard day at the office you come home and sit down in front of a nice, cozy fire with a good book and your cat, Mr. Mittens. After finishing your frozen dinner for one, you count down the minutes until you can hit the hay. This is the opposite of moonshine time.

Moonshine Cherries: Grade: BOverview: There’s an old saying we’re making up just now that goes, “everything’s better when you’re drunk.” Maraschino cherries are no different. These babies have been soaked in 100 proof moonshine, so they’ll start sweet and end hot, kinda like how you imagined prom would go until your date fell off the runway at your procession. Tastes Like: We’re four again, and our parents just want us to go to bed. Drink It When: These moonshine-infused cherries are great for a party trick. What’s the trick, you ask? Leave them out and wait for unsuspecting members of the opposite sex to notice them. Once they do, approach and say in your smoothest voice, “I’ll take your cherry if you take mine,” then seductively pop one in your mouth. If they follow suit, you’re golden.

Apple Pie Moonshine: Grade: A Overview: “American as apple pie” is a phrase that gets tossed around an awful lot these days, so it’s lost a lot of meaning. Now it’s all, “economic recession is American as apple pie,” and while that may be true, that’s not the intended purpose of the saying. The Ole Smoky Apple Pie moonshine aims to rectify that situation by being decidedly American, lifting your spirits with sweet lady spirit and tasting like apple pie. Few things could be better.

Conclusion: There’s a time and a place for everything, and for Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine the time is...whenever, but the place is at a party. All three varieties we tested have their own merits, but the good parts are amplified by a party atmosphere, while the negative traits are deadened by a good ole’ hootenanny. You wouldn’t watch porn with your grandma, so why would you drink high-proof spirits alone?


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THe top ten

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Gracecar wrote this

Ways to be the Worst Date at an Exchange 10. Look Like Crap You know the only reason why you’ve been asked to any event is because your date is expecting you to squeeze into a Barbiesized outfit and look hot, right? Come on, you thought he actually liked you? No no, he’s just trying to show you off as, “The girl who looks easy,” and proceed to high-five his bros. But if you really want to piss him off and confuse his friends, show up in that floor-length, turtle neck dress that I know you still have. 9. Act Like Crap No one likes a fussy bitch. Even babies are annoying when they’re fussy. So if you want to accomplish being the worst date to any sort of exchange, just act like a complete douchebag. Complain about how cold you are, complain about the shitty drinks, complain about your yeast infection... Whatever you can think of, just complain about it. And don’t forget to be extra pouty and talk like a toddler. You might even get slapped.

90s songs lyrics that never died

If you were conceived, born, lived, and/or raged in the 1990s, then consider yourself lucky. You, my friend, were born in the most delicious decade of all. The 90s had an abundance of music and movies that may have sucked, but we will stick by them forever because they’re from our time. It doesn’t matter how bad Julia Stiles’ performance was in 10 Things I Hate About You, every girl from our time will always hope that the “bad boy” will sing his heart out on the bleachers to her during soccer practice. That’s just the thing, the music that we listened to on the radio while doing back flips off of the high dive at the public pool are the same songs we continue to listen to in college. In case you forgot the lines that you once considered lyrical gospel, I’ll take the liberty of filling you in on what you’ve been missing out on. There’s a 90s song for every situation that you could find yourself in during the best four(ish) years of your life. Here are the more collegiate interpretations of some of your favorite 90s classics: The Breakup: Yeah, everyone else knew that your “boyfriend” was cheating on you with that girl who supposedly loves to talk dirty in Swahili, but nobody wanted to tell you because they knew that your definition of dating is different than his. You guys hooked up once after wine night, relax. Anyway, you’re probably really sad so take this one from your girl Alanis Morissette from the song, “You Oughta Know.” Honestly, you know she’s even dirtier than you! “I want you to know, that I'm happy for you I wish nothing but the best for you both An older version of me Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater” Brainwashing freshman into doing bad things: Sometimes freshman just suck, especially when it takes them five minutes to order at Espresso Royal and then they just end up getting a cup of water and a cookie anyway. If anyone ever gets fed up with these little boogers, then they should just take a peppy 90s singalong song that sounds harmless, but is actually filled with naughty lyrics. It’s rumored that freshman will do anything, even bestiality, which is why you should brainwash them into being drug addicts with these lyrics from Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life.”

“The sky it was gold, it was rose I was taking tips of it to my nose And I wish I could get back there Some place back there Smiling in the pictures you would take Doing crystal meth Will lift you up until you break” Conversing with bums: Sometimes it’s really hard to understand what these drunken sidewalk-stalkers are screaming when they shout miscellaneous insults about the size and shape of your nose. However, the only real way to guarantee a solid and intellectual conversation with these folk is to speak their language: Jibberish. Take it from Hanson’s “Mmmbop.” “Mmm bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du” Admitting that you’re a Facebook stalker: There should probably be therapy groups for people to talk about their addiction to Facebook creeping. “Hi, I’m Cory, I… I….. *you can do it, Cory* I… am addicted to constantly looking through the pictures of my Stats professor!” You’re scary dude, and it’s time to get a reality check. In the 90s there were creeps, but nothing like what you are. Let Radiohead’s “Creep” help you figure out that you’re obsession is not okay: “But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here” When people wonder why hipsters are usually looked down upon, it’s because they’re totally stealing the outfits from what we wore on the jungle-gym in first grade: Snap back, flannel, and high-waisted jeans. These outfits can get a little annoying to see being reproduced a decade later, but bringing back the jams of our generation is perfectly acceptable. Next time you DJ a house party for your seven friends don’t be afraid to whip out some oldies but goodies.

8. Know No Limits As someone’s date, alcohol is typically free at these events. If it’s not, well then you should probably question that frat’s integrity and morals. So with all this free liquor around you, what else is there to do but to get completely shit-canned? You’re not there to have a few drinks and enjoy each other’s company like responsible adults; you’re there so that by the end of the night he’ll send you home by yourself in a taxi that accidentally heads straight to Rantoul. 7. Barf This doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol-related. You can purposely drink spoiled milk or Chinese food that’s been left out for a week. Just make sure you build up a nice, steamy, chunky, bubbling, gurgling mound of vomit that you can unleash at any moment during the night. Because while being uncontrollably drunk is annoying, the only thing worse than that is a girl who’s puking. 6. Pass out before inevitable “hook up” Remember when I said the only reason you got asked to an exchange was so that you can dress like a slut? Well I lied. One way to be a horrible partner is to fall asleep before the magic happens. He will have schmoozed you with cheap liquor, danced with you all night, brought you all the way back to his place, and then got NOTHING in return. Nothing but a snoring broad who’s drooling on his favorite pillow. 5. Hook Up with Someone Else Oh your poor, poor date. He musters up some courage, puts his heart out there by asking you to go to his Impromptu with him via Facebook chat, and then you shit on him. He even bought a brand new pastel-colored button up. All for what? For him to sit in the corner of the bar with a frown on his face his hands down his pants while you mack it with someone else? Yep. 4. Be a Bore Now, instead of his sitting in the corner with a frown and his hands down his pants, it’s your turn to sit alone like a weirdo. Except your hands won’t be down your pants, because that’s what fun people do. No dancing, no conversing, no making eye contact with anyone. You’ll have your date so bored that he’ll wish that he had stayed home and watched YouPorn videos instead. 3. Get in a fight with someone Seeing a couple of girls get into a catty fight is more of a buzz kill than when a gothic person walks into a party. I’m not talking about a physical fight where you pull each other’s hair and rip your bras off. Those are great! I’m talking about a screaming match over something that doesn’t even make sense, like a misunderstood hashtag on Twitter. This will probably make whoever you’re with want to punch themselves in the balls. 2. Get in a fight with your date Like I said, it’s all about picking a fight over something stupid, but this time, it will be on him. Scream in his face, start crying, and call him a “jerk.” Don’t forget to be extra dramatic and bring up something super personal out of nowhere, like how he forgot the anniversary of your dog’s death. You’ll have his head spinning in no time. 1. Don’t show up! I don’t think it’s possible to get any worse than not showing up at all. Especially if you don’t even make up an excuse or call him to tell him that you can’t actually make it. Leave him sitting and waiting like a lost kitten out in the wilderness. Sad image, huh? Yeah, that’ll show him!

Cleves wrote this


19

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FAQ for Rave Virgins lenz wrote this

Your first time. It’s confusing. You’ve heard stories about the chaos, the insanity, the going hard in the paint. But when you reach the moment of truth, will you sink or swim? Will you prove you can rage with the elite and be the little engine that could? Or end up being the fly that drops before the beat does? With so many questions and so much uncertainty, it’s important to really explore the status quo and prepare yourself for what lies ahead. Before deciding if you want to partake next time Sherwin-Williams comes to town, check out this guide of Frequently Asked Questions. Where’s Molly? Multiple people will ask you about her, and you’ll begin to wonder just who this girl is and where she’s hiding. Don’t be alarmed by the amber alert; it will be similar to a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ activity, only no one publicly screams when/if they find her so you never really know. Just ignore it and do you, dancing queen. Is this a business casual event? If by, “business casual,” you mean, “white on white on white with accents of neon bras,” then yes, yes it is. Bros will rock out hard in standard shorts and tees (does bro code ever change? Hint: it doesn’t). The ladies on the other hand sport some sultry ripped up shirts and take it way down to trash town. There will be a direct correlation between event time and rippage/loss of clothing.

Yikes, soul sisters letting lose, hide the cameras. Is there a fire safety code? Hmm yea about that…okay if claustrophobia is on your list of health aliments, you may want to take a few chill pills before you enter the party zone. Not that I saw people praying they wouldn’t get stampeded if things got rowdy, but that definitely happened. If you’re prone to panic attacks, drifting into the endless sea of sweaty bodies is a bad life choice. Will there be random people grinding on me? Depends. If you’re mildly attractive or can at least appear so in a dark crowded room, yes. If you’re a bizarro and lurk in the corners, no. Regardless, you’ll have some prime grinding opportunities with strangers. Yeah some of which will be involuntary due to close quarters, but you’ll take it (because you can’t really move away anyways). Meet and gropes, holler! Will paint squirt in my eyeballs? Meh, to answer this question I will refer to the fondest memory of every high school science classes, “Karen never wore her safety goggles. Now she doesn’t have to.” Moral of the story, bring your goggles or some sunglasses or eye patches or those Kanye slitty shades. If you have any further questions, please email us at snatchingVcards@party.com.

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20

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

The Lion King 3D byrnes saw this and gave it a...

Director:

A+

Roger Allers, Rob Minkoff

Footloose

Oct. 14

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Julianne Hough, Kenny Wormald What You Need to Know: Similar to the original Footloose, a city boy— Ren MacCormack (played by Kenny Wormald) moves to Bomont, a boring small town in America’s south from bustling Boston. To make matters worse he finds out that the city has completely outlawed dancing after the tragic loss of a group of teens a few years earlier. What We Think: The cast of this film is extremely good looking. Although many of us have probably seen the original at least twice, it will still be fun to drool over the plethora of beautiful human beings gathered onto one screen. Plus a Kevin Bacon cameo.

The Thing

Oct. 14

Starring: Mary-Elizabeth Winstead, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Eric Christian Olsen, Joel Edgerton What you need to know: A research team is all smiles after making a discovery of some sort of ancient-life on Antarctica. However, our hero Kate Lloyd (played by Mary-Elizabeth Winstead) has a totally legitimate concern about the ancient specimen they have found...what could be wrong? What we think: Yikes, this remake of the original seems to be pretty intense. Imagine if your bitchy roommate was taken over by an ancient evil… THING! It will probably be worth watching when it appears on your roommate’s Netflix queue.

Paranormal Activity 3 Oct. 21 Starring: Katie Featherston What you need to know: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues. What we think: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...

Starring:

Matthew Broderick, Jeremy Irons, James Earl Jones

Synopsis:

“Hakuna Matata” means no worries, because this flick’s still awesome... WAH! SIWENYAH! After all these years I still have no idea what gibberish chanting ensues to start off the film's popular track, The Circle of Life. Everyone kind of has their own version though, and when the movie starts and the sun rises somewhere on the African plateau, I get goosebumps of nostalgia all over my scrotum. Back on September 16, one of our personal favorites from 90's childhood resurfaced in a very real way. The Lion King stepped into another dimension and the “circle” of life slowly protruded into an incredibly complicated sphere, or cylinder. As I sat in the Goodrich 16 in Savoy this weekend with a bottle of chocolate milk and a strand called “wild woman” in my brain, my inner boy was viciously tickled into joy. I couldn't resist singing along to all of the classic musical numbers, like “Hakuna Matata,” “I Just Can't Wait To Be King,” and “Be Prepared” even though it kind of freaked out the kids. But fuck the kids because this isn't for them. It's for our generation. Frankly, there were actually no children in the theater, only young adults, which I thought was pretty awesome.

on DVD

Now, I know some of you are like “why would I go see a movie in theaters that I've already seen like 400 times?” Stop being such a negative Newman. It really was a magical experience and to be honest, there are a lot of things in the movie that I didn't catch as a youngin'. Like do you remember the sexual tension between Simba and Nala? Jeeze, I've never had a wet dream about a lioness before, but this is the most excited I've gotten for a cartoon since Lola Bunny or Jessica Rabbit (Why do I sound like I have a rabbit fetish?) Another scene I found particularly hilarious was the one with the song “Be Prepared.” Scar is tired of being unimportant to the Kingdom so he comes up with the terrible, but plot-based plan to kill Mufasa, the king of the jungle, and his cub Simba. The hyenas accompany Scar as he finds himself giving a rhythmic rant about how he's going to 187 on that bitch and take the kingdom. Anyways, things go from gangster's paradise to the Third Reich, Scar stands above the hyenas like Hitler over his armies during WWII and the hyenas march by in perfect Nazi form.

it's good to be king

Hidden messages much? There's also that little tidbit of “sex” when Simba, now a grown adult, finds himself lost in the desert searching for a way to put his past behind him. Yup, right when he plops down on a cliff in hopelessness, a cloud of dust flies up forming the word “sex.” This one is not as obvious, but it's definitely a more famous mishap. What a cast too. Ferris Bueller becomes the King, Darth Vader turns away from the dark side as Hamlet's Dad, Cheech partners up with Whoopi Goldberg and some crackhead named Ed, and Marcus from Smart Guy gets dooped and stuffed under the blinding light that is the career of Johnathon Taylor Thomas. Overall, I give this movie an A, not because of an awesome soundtrack, my favorite hidden messages, or star-studded cast, but because of one of the most inspiring characters in the history of Disney: Raffiki. Raffiki is the coolest blueassed baboon who's wisdom of squashed bananas can change the world. We are all better people because of Raffiki.

answers are a few from here

october 4: Fast Five Scream 4 Boy Meets World: Season 7 (the last one) The League: Season 2 october 11: Green Lantern Horrible Bosses Tree of Life The Zookeeper Workaholics: Season 1

In King Kong, this actress gets taken to the top of the Empire State Building...

In The King's Speech, Colin Firth did a bang-up job portraying this stuttering king...

Street Kings was awful, but did have this actor who was in The Last King of Scotland...

This was Stephen King's first big hit...and it was a blood bath!


21

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Das Racist

the interview

Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Feist Metals

One, two, three, four no more. Real, old school fans of Feist have known her since her beautiful, whispering words in the nearly decade old tune “Lover’s Spit,” when she was a more prominent member of the Canadian band Broken Social Scene in which, not so beautifully (or, whatever, some of you weirdoes might find it hot), she sang about people giving blow jobs. New fans of Feist know her from that catchy-ass tune from an iPod Nano commercial which, coincidentally, was the only song off of The Reminder that she didn’t write. Ironic? Well, yes, and the fact that little ole’ Leslie Feist is practically a household name now. Who knew she got her start singing about semen? Feist’s third album Metals comes over a year after the aforementioned album, a few Grammy nominations and that one damn hit “One Two Three Four.” Despite the extreme success of that song, the rest of The Reminder is by far Feist’s best solo stuff to date — it’s passionate, genuine, at times upbeat and at times perfectly sentimental. But Feist has always done that so well, juxtaposing both genres in a listenable, creative, successful way. But where Metals has plenty of the slow, soft-spoken songs to put yourself in a weird mood, there isn’t any of the upbeat to balance out the lows with the highs.

UPCOMING RELEASES

C-

The opening track “The Bad in Each Other” is an optimistic start and teases the listener; the track is heavy-ish and actually somewhat fast paced, but is unlike the rest of the album. The songs that aren’t entirely depressing (“How Come You Never Go There”) are, to be blunt, lame and uninteresting. “Woe Be” is her best from the second half of the album, still desperately slow and soft but with a more interesting guitar sounds and beautiful vocals. It’s not surprising that Metals is so far removed from her last two albums — she practically hid out in the prairies of France to write this album, and it only took her, oh, a year to find the inspiration to start making music again. It’s a shame that she seemingly “lost it,” and it’s no doubt that the unexpected national attention of that one stupid song kind of threw her off. Well, it’s not stupid, it really is a great song. But it’s sad that it became totally commercialized, which was clearly never Feist’s intent. Oh well, she can always bask in all of her royalty’s and remember the days of singing about jizz. Sounds Like: The inside of a tear drop. Download: The Bad in Each Other, Woe Be Listen to it When: You’re not contemplating suicide, but want to.

>>>

Jack's Mannequin: People & Things Mayday Parade: Mayday Parade Misfits: The Devil's Rain Scott McCreery: Clear As Day

Styles P: Master Of Ceremonies The Misfits: The Devil's Rain Ben Lee: Deeper Into Dreams William Shatner: Seeking Major Tom

job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids? TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.

brendan and jess wrote this


Black Sheep

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Circle one option in each category and unlock the mystery to your ideal (or not so ideal) future life. weird addiction:

Chuy (Chelsea Lately) Zombie Chris Farley Fat Joe Justin Beiber

Mother-in-Law’s Trailer Gwinn, Michigan Seaside Heights, New Jersey Disney World

Cinnabon Laxatives The Maury Show White Zinfandel

maid of honor:

career:

life in 5 years:

Lil Mama Megan McCully Martin Lawrence in a Fat Suit Rosie O’Donnell

Professional Hoarder K-Mart Employee Groupon Data Entry Door Man

No chance of parole Sex Offenders List 8 kids and a dead-end job Plus-sized modeling

wedding entree:

transportation:

pet:

Amigo Grappling Hook Greyhound Bus Teal AstroVan

12 Ducks 3-Legged Dog Rosanne Barr Whatever You Catch, You Keep

KFC Double Downs Deep Fried Oreos Magic Mushrooms Pixie Stix

Answers

honeymoon:

1. Naomi Watts 2. King George VI 3. Forest Whitaker 4. Carrie

best man:

( class time ) Movie Quiz

MASH

tally box

BEST MAN: ______________MAID OF HONOR: ______________ WEDDING ENTREE:______________ HONEYMOON: ______________ CAREER: ______________ TRANSPORTATION: ______________ LIVE IN 5 YEARS: ______________ PET: ______________

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Madlib: A Story of Ineloquence 1) Swear Word 2) Swear Word 3) Swear Word 4) Swear Word 5) Swear Word 6) Swear Word 7) Swear Word 8) Swear Word 9) Swear Word 10) Swear Word 11) Swear Word 12) Swear Word 13) Swear Word 14) Swear Word 15) Swear Word 16) Swear Word 17) Swear Word 18) Swear Word

19) Swear Word 20) Swear Word 21) Swear Word 22) Swear Word 23) Swear Word 24) Swear Word 25) Swear Word 26) Swear Word 27) Swear Word 28) Swear Word 29) Swear Word 30) Swear Word 31) Swear Word 32) Swear Word 33) Swear Word 34) Swear Word 35) Swear Word

( class time )

So there I was man, in class, and I was all “__1__ this __2__, I don’t want to learn any of this __3__ today,” but then this __4__ walked into the classroom. She was some real __5__ sexy __6__ I hadn’t seen before, and I was all, “Well __7__, I might as well stay up in this __8__ and learn some __9__.” So I’m just sitting on my __10__, staring directly at this __11__ __12__, daydreaming about how I’m gonna __13__ the __14__ out of her __15__ after class when some __16__ next to me gets a text message. But guess what? The __17__ professor thought it was me, so he’s __18__ at me and I’m all, “__19__ dude, I don’t even have my phone on me!” It was pretty __20__ embarrassing. Anyway, so class is over, right? And this __21__ __22__slut is walking out of class, so I’m thinking to myself, “I wanna __23__ the __24__ out of this __25__,” so I decide to walk with her. I find out this __26__ is named Sarah, so I’m all thinkin’, “__27__, you may be Sarah, but you can call me daddy,” when I realize that I wasn’t actually thinking that __28__, I was saying it out loud. I’m all, “__29__, wanna suck my __30__ anyway?” This __31__, though, she’s all, “the __32__ wrong with you?” And walks away like her __33__ don’t stink. The __34__ is up with that, right __35__?

Illinois - 10/5/11 - v19i08  
Illinois - 10/5/11 - v19i08  

Illinois Fall Issue 8

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