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Volume 19, Issue 3 — 8/31/11 - 9/07/11 —


Black Sheep

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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”   Brought to you by  

The Booze News

A SUPER Way to Solve Our Crime Problems esexy wrote this Champaign has a problem. And no, it’s not that the dorms are too hot, or the alcohol tax is too high, or we wish our penises were bigger, or any other anti-problem that idiots everywhere like to hash tag about on my Facebook newsfeed. We have a crime problem. Or, perhaps more aptly, we have a North Champaign problem. In Champaign, the North Star doesn’t lead you home, it leads you to the middle of the plot for Get Rich or Die Tryin’. North Champaign is packed with hoodlums, misfits, and general do-badders who want nothing more than to take your wallets and your phones just to make you feel like a kid again (specifically, the childhood feeling of pooping your own pants). What we need is somebody to stand up to these bullies. What we need is a tight-skinned injection of hope. What we need is SUPERMAN! Unfortunately, Superman is busy. He has to save lives in real cities that have bigger problems than us, like New York, LA, and Kansas. He simply doesn’t have time to dick around in a college town surrounded on all sides by cornfields. “Great Scott, Champaign is in trouble?” Superman was recently quoted as saying, “How will the cereal companies survive? THIS looks like a job fo- Okay. Never mind, I can’t do this, I need to go save that girl over there.” After that, he promptly did the jerk-off hand motion and flew off to catch some blonde who had just fallen off a skyscraper somewhere in Eastern Europe (Ha ha! There’s no skyscrapers in Eastern Europe!). The point is any superhero worth having in your town is not going to waste their time in your town. Even Aquaman, a man whose best powers barely allow him to beat an average bluegill in a game of Texas Hold 'Em, is a member of the Super Friends. That’s a group

Other stuff


05: Sex in the CU: Sex Hair, and we’re not talking about the merkin you use to cover up your herpes.?

that has bigger fish to fry than a couple of muggers attempting to take over Scott Park. With this in mind, we know if we are going to find the right caped crusader, we must first adhere to the number one step of solving any problem: masturbation. Wait! Nope! I meant lower our standards. So without further ado, I’ve compiled a list of possible—albeit slightly lower-grade—costumed crime fighters that just might put this whole era of fear in our rearview mirrors. Robin “Haha! Look at that pants puncher!” This is what criminals yell whenever Robin shows up without Batman.* No human being with even an ounce of a sense of humor could ever focus on committing crimes, or anything for that matter, if a pubescent boy wearing tragically homosexual looking shorts came up to them yelling, “HOLY CONCEALED WEAPON, YOU THIEVING THUGS ARE IN FOR A ZWOCKING!” Therein lies Robin’s effectiveness, and why his presence could be beneficial. *Conversely, when Robin shows up with Batman, most people just call DCFS to report a molestation in progress. Kick-Ass As far as vigilante heroes are concerned, Kick-Ass may be the ultimate. While he’s borderline worthless in actual combat (his weapons of choice are basically two of those ‘Thunder stick’ noisemakers you get at high school football games), he’s horseshit insane...

09: what your computer history says about you

more than likely, that you're gross.

Continued on Page 19...

18: Top 10

Burnett’s flavors we’re making up, and they are deliciously filthy


Table of


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With football season back, it’s time to care about drinking again.

they don't exist, so it doesn’t, right?

Live Chief, Die Hard



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If Rush Parties Were Real, It Would Suck to Host One But

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soul, and your stomach lining.

Or how to pretend like you’re involved, at least.

Finding the Best Puking Locations It’s like baring your

How to Get Involved in RSOs

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

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Grand larceny should be illegal in all 50 states..

quickly becoming the new Burnett’s.

Drinking Game:


Alcohol Review: Pinnacle is

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flow is (making you feel) cool!

thinks about Big Ten divisions!

Why You Should Smoke Cigarettes: Decreased blood

The New New New Ron Zook Chronicles: See what Ron Zook

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The Riddle! Answer it right, and we’ll send you some free shit!

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? Advertising? Hate Us?

Find Us At... 88 West | Antonio’s | Big Mouth’s | Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine| Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


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of the


think your caption is good enough for page four? Prove it:

Letter to the editor

Dear Carl, My TA is really good looking, and after our second day of class, she asked me to hang around to discuss whether or not I should be in this class because I didn’t have all of the right prerequisites to be in the course. After we spoke and realized I did in fact have all the proper courses completed to be in the class, we shook hands and I feel like she lingered. Should I go for it? I know hooking up with professor’s is taboo, but is hooking up with a TA okay? Yours truly, Hot and Heavy for Some Teacher’s Assistance Dear Heavy, I would absolutely go for it. Lingering is a lady’s way of screaming “Take me here and now, I like your t-shirt and want to have sweaty sex with you!” However, you probably want to spend some time wooing this sexy TA before jumping the gun, since you sound like a tubby. I’d recommend sitting at the very front of class every day and scooting your desk up to be as close to her podium as possible. Then you’ll want to get her all warmed up to the idea of boning you, so send her as many dirty emails during her class as humanly possible, and don’t forget to attach at least thirty-six pictures of your genitals. After class, stick around after everyone leaves and she’ll be ready for you. But remember, that as a University of Illinois employee, it’s her job to say “no” when it comes to sex with students. So just push through that – she doesn’t mean it. Unless she really does. In which case, put your boner away. But most likely she’s a chubby-chaser, so don’t sweat it.

Peel faster! Dave S.

r 's winne the prize! k e e w last oy ome! Enj s e w A e 'r You


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Good luck my fat, fat, really fat, so fat he calls himself “husky” friend. Cheers, Carl

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To submit your own letter, email our Editor at

! s m a r g a n A Sexy

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Shlacker:

Satan Jams Tho Unable El Origin

Submit your own word!

Definition: A person who comes over for sex, but immediately passes out. Sentence: “When I brought Kyle home he immediately fell asleep on the couch, that shlacker.”

SEX and the u

You can tell a lot about what a gal is into in bed just by looking at the way her hair is on her walk home from a shack. If you’re into judging people before you know anything about them, this can make your Friday morning walk to class a real delight since Thursday night bars are just crawling with broads hungry for weekend sex. There are three stages in your basic whoring and, lucky for us, morning after hairstyle is in direct correlation to whoredom. The first step into the whore lifestyle is the occasional hookup. This lady found herself in a gentleman’s bed around 7:00AM, wondering how on earth she got there. Meaning she came unprepared. She spent roughly two hours curling her hair before gracing the bars with her innocence. As stunning

Sex Hair

carl wrote this

as this look appears in the dim glow of the neon beer signs, it loses its luster in the morning to say the least. All that hairspray has caused her hair to stand in an upright, Alfalfastyle after passing out face down into a pillow in the middle of sex. So understandably, this woman is taking her walk of shame after a night of shameful sex. Nothing special. Very drunk and sloppy. Also, she’s probably a freshman. The most experience she’s ever had in bed was with her high school boyfriend of three years, wherein she would lie there and consider herself doing him a favor by allowing him to be in the very presence of her pussy. Good news is she’s probably clean. Naturally following the starter-slut is the more seasoned skank. She can easily be spotted by her hair that looks nice and pristine in the front, but messy and knotty in the back. This frequenter to Poundtown remembered to grab a DVD off her hook-up’s floor as a makeshift mirror before dashing out the door. Unfortunately in her rush to escape the awkward morning after chat, she neglected the backside of her head, leaving a mess of tangles and fuzzies for the world behind her to see. Brinking on adventurous, this membership card holder to Club Sack will do the man justice in bed and share top and bottom time. She keeps the front of her hair knot-free by grabbing a fistful of bangs to keep them out of her face while she rides cowgirl on top, but her hair turns in

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to a tuft of tumbleweed in the back while she takes her turn on the bottom. A generous princess who treats her man like a king. Or at least a duke or someone of importance. Finally we have our Veteran with a capital V. This little strumpet lost her v-card in middle school and learned the art of a proper hookup before even getting accepted to college. Our Veteran can be spotted sporting a braid on her walk of pride exiting her shack’s place. Having had her shame glands removed around the fifth time she slept with a professor, this class act has no problem hanging around a complete stranger’s place in order to get her shit together. And any girl who knows her way around a bed knows the best way to fix a do in the morning is by wrapping it all up in a French braid. The staple of a fashioned harlot. This lovely lady will blow your …mind – amongst other things. She knows every move in the Kama Sutra and then some. She will fuck you on the stairs, over your balcony, or in a handstand, and still be ready for more. Knock yourself out with this one. But seriously though, beware of head injuries, she’s a bucking bronco in the bed. But Carl, what about that girl with the pony-tail? Or that girl with the pigtails? Or that girl with the short hair? Or that girl who’s bald? Oh my God you guys, do I have to do everything? Virgin, statutory, lesbian, and cancer. Goodness gracious. Happy judging my babies!

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Can you smell it? Football fans love the smell of victory, charcoal, pigskin, sweaty shoulder pads, and hubris in the morning. However, if you're a die-hard Illini football fan, what you really love is the smell of block drinking, tailgating, and mid-day puking. Who did we play in the first game this season anyway (Arkansas State)? Who cares? It's not about the opposing team or the score of the game, and it's not about the Benjamins. IT'S ABOUT COACH ZOOK! IT'S ABOUT PROTECTING THIS SCHEELHAASE! IT'S ABOUT INJECTING BUDWEISER INTO YOUR VEINS! YOU NEED TO WORK ON BEING THE ULTIMATE FAN! BLEED ORANGE AND BLUE In preparation for the upcoming games, it's more than practical to follow some basic fundamentals for bleeding orange and blue. First, go to Telecris Plasma donation center and ask them to inject blue and orange food coloring right into your heart. This may not be the most pleasant experience, but stop being such a pussy. Did the Japanese complain when they lost their homes to Poseidon? Hell no, they played Marco Polo and laid out to take in some heat waves by the nuclear power plants. No fan is above this. KNOW THE ZOOK As a die-hard fan, you'll be expected to follow Coach Zook's life so closely that he puts a restraining order saying you can't even be on the same continent as him. Every move that man makes will make or break this season. Be there when he wakes up, when he pees, when he showers, when he bakes cookies, when he touches his toes naked, when he tombstone piledrives Cactus Jack through the cage at WWE Hell in the Cell. Just BE THERE! The man is more divine than Oprah and deserves your devotion.

2011 po

Mr. Byrnes wrote this

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Live Chief, Die Hard

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TRAIN YOUR LIVER At all times, a die hard Illini fan keeps his blood alcohol limit at least 0.07. Proper diet is important, so never put down the sauce. Drink beer and Jameson for breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and even supper. If you're more of a Mike's Hard type of person, drink so much you become a diabetic. Sure, the other school teams will call us alcoholics, but our spirit will prevail in the form of vomit on their mascot. With your body and knowledge developed better than the colonies on the moon, you'll be ready to take on the joy, nay, the erection that is Saturday football at Memorial Stadium. GAME DAY Wake up at 4AM Saturday morning and shotgun a beer. It's early, but so what? Don't complain; pop an Adderall. Shower. Brush your teeth, but make sure to sterilize your brush in Jameson. After that, you're going to want to get your fan blood pumping, so do 500 jumping jacks. If you can only do five, your training has paid off. Cook some bacon. Throw the bacon away. Mix the bacon grease with raw eggs, Jameson, Budweiser, and chunks of balogna. That's a breakfast of champions right there. Turn on ESPN and watch reruns of College Game Day and Sports Center. If Lee Corso (that penis) either bad mouths U of I or doesn't talk about them at all, give your TV the business. What is “giving the business� you ask? Well if you don't know, you're already a failure. An hour before game time, you should have be at a solid 2.0 blood alcohol level, real close to comatose. You'll want to slur your speech up a bit so your sentences kind of melt into one continuous word. This will ensure the fastest delivery on encouraging cheering for the team. Sneak a flask into the game and buy a pop before kick-off so you can mix your Jameson and be as sly as Secret Squirrel. You'll probably black out soon, so it's good to be prepared for the likely outcome that you'll fall into a state of alcohol poisoning and wake up in a hospital bed seven hours later with a shattered nose and a gerbil in your colon. This is just the warrior's code, though, the rulebook for all die hard Illini fans. So good luck football fans! Get out there and support the team!


Call: (217) 954-1008

If Rush Parties Were Real, It Would Suck To Host One Ken Halvachs wrote this

So the Greek system has this pet peeve about giving alcohol to potential slaves. I mean recruits. As a result, they instill this pesky rule called Social Alcohol Ban, which pretty much forbids liquor (aka fun) for the members of the Greek community during the first month of school. Now you are probably confused because you spent last week doing a beer bongs in the basement of a huge house that looked like it had Greek letters on it. Well, liar pants, you were dreaming. Fraternities don’t hold parties. Ever. Now if they were able to hold these parties, you might think that fraternities consider this time of the year to be about as awesome as Christmas, the Super Bowl, and Shark Week rolled into a couple weekends. Why the hell wouldn’t they? They get to be completely smashed, act like a complete and total douche bag, and at the end of the night they get some drunk, slutty freshman to accompany them to bed. It’s not like these parties are difficult to put together right? Take beer and jungle juice, add vagina, and you have a rush party, right? Not quite. Rush parties suck, here’s why. Apparently college students have standards about the conditions they party in. Word on the street is that walking into a place where the floor sticks and smells like the black plague is not an enticing environment to consume massive quantities of liquor. So before the party kicks off, the chapter has to throw out the trash bags of old beer cans and Jimmy John’s wrappers and de-stank the party room with as many 99-cent deodorizers that Wal-Mart can offer. Then freshman and guys from other houses roll in with the goal of making misery happen. Their behavior reverts to that of a two year-old, resulting in them screaming incoherently, breaking things, and rocking back and forth in their own vomit. Tomorrow rolls

around and the fraternity gets to clean up after the freshman who complained that the beer that they didn’t pay for was Keystone instead of Natty Light. But the cleaning can’t be that difficult, after all there’s a ton of people that live in a frat house, meaning a ton of workers. No. There’s a ton of frat-stars. Generally a fraternity house has one to six motivated people that actually put forth an effort to accomplish things. The rest just claim to be busy as they take a hit from their bong and start watching Entourage. The few times the Sperry-wearing slackers do actually try and help, they come up with awesome ideas like lining the walkways to the house with tiki-torches and stringing them together. It’s okay; the strings will burn instead of melting if they catch on fire. Never mind that if a drunken idiot who just rolled out of a frat house after eating shrooms and slamming some jungle juice happens to stumble off the beaten path and into the ‘fire safe’ string he’s going to have four lit tiki-torches flying on top of him. Stop, drop, and roll, bro. Also, no one seems to get that holding a party at your house means you are have a party AT YOUR HOUSE. So when you want to go to sleep at a normal hour or at least not have seventeen kids pounding on your door asking for the bathroom you have to suck it up and deal with them, or send them to a friend’s room while he’s hooking up. Also, it sucks having to wade through a sea of people to get a drink in your own house. Not to mention that the slutty freshman you think you’re going to bang generally winds up puking on your shoes and peeing in the corner of your room by the end of the night. That’s really attractive. Frats are lucky they can’t have rush parties, because they’d be a nightmare.



Finding the Best Puking Locations Grace of Spades wrote this Much like the dentist and blues rock concerts, puking is something we all have to go through eventually. While always unpleasant, vomiting does have its fair share of positives. For one, puking can be a great excuse to get you out of a bad job interview or children’s dance recital. Also, puking makes you feel great. While the physical act of vomiting feels like getting deep throated by The Rock’s sweaty head, afterwards you feel quite fantastic. Plus, puking allows you to drink more alcohol. Yes, I know that vomiting is the body’s natural way of saying you need to stop putting something into your body, but dammit I’m raging tonight! So, if you feel a spew coming on and you’re tired of doing it in the same boring places (i.e. that alley behind Hometown, bushes around the Quad, inside the 22), here are a few creative possibilities guaranteed to make you king of the puking world. A pair of roller skates You know that kid that zooms past you on the Quad while wearing his sick pair of blades? Yeah, I hate that kid. Everyone does. So as a way to tell this rocket power reject how we all feel, go ahead and ralph into his wheels. A trophy cup Any trophy will do, honestly. It’s not about whether it’s from when you won the championship for tee ball, got the highest GPA in your graduating class, or participated in a bratwurst eating competition, the point is that puking into a trophy will make you feel like the champion you are. Congratulations! In a booth at a bar You know those nights that your dog dies and you drink an entire box of Franzia to ease your depression? Yeah, well those are the perfect nights to get so out of control that you’re likely to puke in the booth at a bar. The bouncers might drag you out because you have no leg mobility, but hey, it’ll be a good story! And your dog will really see how much you care from doggy heaven. In a garbage can during the middle of lecture Do it. Be that person. If you start to feel last night’s (or this morning’s, I wont judge) rum and

Coke coming up in the back of your throat, you have to think fast. The best option is obviously to find the nearest garbage can, which is usually posted up right next to the professor’s desk. Puking in front of hundreds of people usually leads to lots of applause and cheering, so I honestly don’t see how puking in class could be a bad option. Plus, if it smells bad enough, you might get the rest of the class canceled for the day – automatic hero status. In a bottle of Burnett's right after you take a pull from it There is nothing that will make people hate you more than seeing your double cheeseburger with Mac sauce plop right into the bottle you were excited to get drunk off of. However, if you are drinking Burnett’s, it might improve the flavor. In a frat-star’s mini fridge All over his salami slices and hidden pictures of Spencer Pratt. All in all, puking is the best way to make you feel better (just ask bulimic girls). That’s why during your nights of steady drinking you should pre-meditate your puking spot for the night. If you ever have to ask yourself, “To puke or not to puke?” the answer is always: to puke! Enjoy your night, I’m gonna go throw up in a bee hive now. Cheers!


From 'da Streets

What Your Computer History Says About You

"What phrase would you use to initiate group sex?"

Hannah Johnson wrote this I think it would be safe to assume that everyone on campus has access to a computer. I’m also pretty sure that many of these computers have search histories, which could reveal some pretty sensitive things. For instance, go into your computer and open up your web browser to find your history. Start writing down your most common searches or sites. If you haven’t already gotten side tracked to Facebook, then let’s see what your search history has to say about you. The Regular College Student Web history includes: UIUC, Google, Compass, Netflix. These are the kind of searches that you would see in just about every college student’s computer. Nothing too extreme or bizarre here, you’re just another run-of-the-mill academic. If that’s okay with you then continue checking your email, going to the library, and being totally normal. There is nothing wrong with being average, unless that also happens to be your penis size. The Facebook Creeper Web history includes: Other peoples Facebook profiles. You’re that person who innocently got on Facebook because everyone else had one, but then you realized that you could read other people’s posts, conservations, plans, email addresses, birthdays, phone numbers, dating habits, and maybe even social security number. Now you spend the entirety of your free time refreshing your newsfeed hoping that Rhonda Biggtits will post new pictures for you to click your way through. If I haven’t made my thoughts clear enough already, here I go: stop being a creep and watch some real porn already.

“Have you ever been with an elephant because it’s about to feel like it. #double penetration.”

Adam N., Sophomore

each other very happy. The Partier Web history includes: Drink specials, hangover remedies, tattoo removal, Did you go out last night? The night before that? Even the night before that?!? I see you are the kind of student that likes to go out every night and live every moment to its fullest. Well, if the Mayans were right, then we only have a year left, so keep on throwing your life away! Less thinkin, more drinkin!

"Now you spend the entirety of your free time refreshing your newsfeed hoping that Rhonda Biggtits will post new pictures for you to click your way through. If I haven’t made my thoughts clear enough already, here I go: stop being a creep and watch some real porn already."

The Dirty Slut Web history includes: WebMD, Vagasil, PlanB, Monistat coupons. I don’t even want to know where you’ve been. I bet you’re the kind of person who would lower your panties (even though you probably aren’t wearing any) behind a dumpster so someone could plow you from behind. If you go back into your history and find this sort of situation going on then you might want to go to the doctor to check your situation down there. That One Creepy Guy Web history includes: PORN, ASIAN PORN, XXX, GIRL ON GIRL, MORE PORN. You are probably the guy that is going to get arthritis by the time you graduate due to your incessant wanking. All I have to say is either get a hobby or find a girl like the one described above because you two could potentially make

“Your head has seven holes... So many possibilities.” Kevin C., Sophomore

The Frat Guy Web history includes: How to be a better bro, bro puns, naked (wo)men. Hey you’re my broski, brah! Let me applaud you on reading a newspaper! That’s bro-tastic! Make sure you tell all your brothers back at the house about your achievement today. Play your cards right and you can turn those congratulatory high fives into congratulatory ass slaps… but you already knew that. No homo… well maybe a little, bro. The Nerd Web history includes: Linux, Star Trek, torrents, binary, female anatomy. Let me guess, you probably would rather watch a documentary on how alcohol is made than drink it. Well, even though you may be a nerd now, you’re going to be successful as hell in the future. Who’s laughing then?! Definitely not me... my degree in rocket science is only going to take me as far as the unemployment line. Well, it would seem we’ve all learned a little something here today. What’s that you’re doing now? Oh, you’re clearing your web history?… Yeah, me too.

“It’s not herpes if it’s everywhere.” Joe L., Junior



How To Get Involved in RSOs without Actually Getting Involved at All cleves wrote this Throughout your entire college career people will tell you over and over again how important it is to get involved with various activities on and off campus. You know, get experience in this, develop communication skills doing that, blah blah blah. Of course, in the beginning, you and your bright-eyed and bushy tailed self signed up for every single RSO at Quad Day, also known as a freshman’s wet dream. You probably even signed up for Save the Red Bison Club. You never know, somewhere down the line this may be beneficial for your career as a bison inseminator. However, the only thing that trying to be involved has given me is a lot of stress, which in turn has driven me to drink, which then has given me a lot of hangovers, which probably has taken years off of my life. So I’ve come to the realization that joining a lot of clubs does nothing but slowly kill you. A slow, painful, time consuming death. And really, where has being the President of the Rope Climbing Club really gotten people in life? Pretty far, actually. I guess most people think that you’re a more “wellrounded person” if you have a ton of bullshit on your resume. Unfortunately, being really awesome at World of Warcraft won’t get you hired anywhere. I know, it’s a sad, cruel world, but that’s just the way it is. But, like I said, trying to be really involved in a club, let alone join one the first place, takes time away from the more important things in your life, like staring at your neighbors changing through their windows. So what’s there to do? Be involved without being involved at all. The first step: Email. Email will become your BFF. The key is to always be on your email and to always be emailing. Be sure to respond to every single one sent, and sometimes send random emails that don’t have anything to do with anything. Just as long as you’re keeping in touch. The more time you spend conversing back and forth via the interweb, the more involved you will look

to the people who are actually in the club. And it’s easy! You can sit and email in your underwear in the comfort of your own home, without having to put forth very much effort at all. Speaking of the internet, now would be a good time to utilize Facebook, since I know you’re on it looking at pictures of yourself all the time anyway. Facebook is the best way to get everyone to think that you’re extremely dedicated to extra-curricular activities. It’s all about the status. “Hey Facebook friends! Come check out the Women’s Roller Derby Club’s Annual Roll-in-the-Hay Contest!” Can you imagine how excited the Roller Derby Club’s president would be if she saw this? She’ll think you’re so dedicated that you’ll be treasurer in no time. What sucks the most about being in a club or organization is having to go to meetings. This is why you must choose the right ones to go to, like the ones with free food, and then make up some excuse for why you can’t come to any other meetings for the rest of the semester. Say that you volunteer at the Humane Society every night, or that you work for some obscure non-profit organization in Champaign to which you cannot disclose the name of. Just make sure you say that you’d love to keep in touch so that you can, “Stay as involved as possible,” and, “Make a big difference”. We all know that you didn’t come to college to earn a degree or gain life experience. You came to get the hell away from your parents and to avoid being associated with the weirdos from your high school who ended up becoming the manager at your local Foot Locker. Not to mention, you had to lose your virginity at some point. However, to keep everyone from your parents to your advisor happy, you have to at least pretend like you’re getting involved on campus. Just make sure you do it without actually getting involved, because God knows we all have much better things to as college students.

"So I’ve come to the realization that joining a lot of clubs does nothing but slowly kill you."

To all the people that fell for my bullshit small talk to cut the Joes line, thank you. Saved me and my 10 other friends an hour wait. Suckers! Hey James, next time try lasting more than 2 minutes...what a waste of a whole night of game. To the people who left their chicken strips and fries on Geo's steps last night: they were even more delicious than the ones somebody left the night before. Thanks. Dude who paid me $20 to cut to the front of Kam's line and then got denied...learn to memorize your birthday next time! To the douche bag freshmen who had the deer in headlights looks outside of insomnia cookie....your blocking the fucking sidewalk! go someplace where people who can actually drink won't be! Steve - the next time you slap a slice of pizza out of hands and onto the sidewalk, I'm going to make you eat it. - John To the blonde who wears the same white tank to Accy every single day...nice THO. Melissa...nose job? Yep, we all thought so. Chris, I noticed you now are pointing slightly to the left... rough summer? -Anna

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Killian’s Guitar Rock-Off Contest Now thru Sept. 4th Register your Band to WIN! Great specials on Killian’s Mondays & Tuesdays!

WED 8/31

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring BAY WEST, FACTORY SETTINGS and more! North Coast Music Festival ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS 9/01

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Miller/Coors Pitchers


THURSDAY: WHITE PARTY $2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Blacklights - White Glowsticks! DJ Ollie - DJ D.M. - DJ Ghostface FREE COVER before Midnight if You Wear White

DJ Kosmo!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 9/02

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers


Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza! plus specials including... $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka DJ OLLIE

Beeson Brothers Live! Blues/Rock from Chicago

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 Happy Hour: $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 9/03

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells 2.50 Miller Lite/Coors bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers


GAMEDAY: Open at 11am Serving Great Food featuring Pizzas, Sandwiches, Salads, Appetizers and More! Specials on: Bud Light Bacardi - Absolut Vodka

Early: New Orleans Jazz Machine

** CLOSED **

$2 U CALL IT featuring UV Vodka and Domestic Bottles

HIT IT RUN! DJ Kosmo, DJ Belly, DJ Legtwo, and DJ Delayney!

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

MON 9/05

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring The Lost Years and Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

$3.50 23ounce Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts 1/2 Price Appetizers

TUES 9/06

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos & $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas

WED 9/07

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring WHITE RABBIT, ABBY SOBH, TEJAS and BRANDON D Bassnectar and ANA SIA ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Available for Private Parties! For more info:

SUN 9/04

$1 Wells $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers & a Sunday Shot Special too!

Benefitting Habitat for Humanity


THURSDAY: WHITE PARTY $2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Blacklights - White Glowsticks! DJ Ollie - DJ D.M. - DJ Ghostface FREE COVER before Midnight if You Wear White

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

Tues & Thurs Bags League $1.50 Old Style Pints Best Burgers in Town!

Late: Jakehead Reunion!

$3.50 23ounce Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts DJ Davis 10pm-2am

Can football season get any better? With our convenient grocery store and awesome theater room, it just got a whole lot better.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN


We're Giving Another 2 Night Stay for 2 During Every Bears Game ALL Season Starting Thursday Night! Go to vegas for watching the Bears! must be present to win

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

WED 8/31

SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS You Keep the New Firehaus Mug! $5 for Your First Mug & Draft $2 Refills of Bud Family Drafts $3 Refills of Goose Island 312 Drafts $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Joe's Bikini Battle Someone's leaving with $500 cash and is going to vegas! No cover for anyone in beach wear

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

THURS 9/01

Bears vs Browns 7pm WIN A BEARS JERSEY College Football Kickoff UNLV vs Wisconsin 7pm $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots & Drinks $3 Jim Beam Whiskey $3 Svedka Vodka

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

Want another chance to go to vegas? No need to put on a bikini this time! Check out our "special day" for more details

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

FRI 9/02

College Football Kickoff TCU vs Baylor 7pm Youngstown St. vs Mich, St. 7pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day Specials on: Jager Bombs, Jameson Irish Whiskey, Absolut

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SAT 9/03

GAMEDAY ILLINI vs Arkansas St 2:30pm Watch All The Games Here! #3 Oregon vs #4 LSU 7pm #5 Boise St vs #19 UGA 7pm Specials on Bacardi, Bud Light, UV Vodka, Vegas Bombs

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

1/2 Price Burgers 11am - 9pm Football Home Opener at 2:30 $2 Jager Barrels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SUN 9/04

$2 EVERYTHING! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings College Football Marshall vs #24 W. Virg. 2:30pm #8 Texas A&M vs SMU 6:30pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Labor Day Sunday Funday Dance Floor Open No class tomorrow...why wouldn't you come out?

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

MON 9/05

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-9pm $1.50 Fatty Natty Bottles $1.50 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Bud Light Drafts $15 Bud Light Hydrants

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes How fun was MNJ last week?

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

TUES 9/06

Firehaus FISH RACES Win Big Prizes Every Week! $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips (4-9) $2.50 Bacardi Oak & Coke $2.50 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2.50 Wells, $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

WED 9/07

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

SATURDAY: GAMEDAY ILLINI vs Arkansas St 2:30pm Watch All The Games Here! #3 Oregon vs #4 LSU 7pm #5 Boise St vs #19 UGA 7pm Specials on Bacardi, Bud Light, UV Vodka, Vegas Bombs

Minute to Win It Win Big Prizes Every Week SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Refills of Bud Family Drafts $3 Refills of Goose Island 312 Drafts $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try Any of 16 New Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Special Night

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street


$4 ICB’s

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S Ride the Rail Every Tuesday

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

FRIDAY: $1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

WEDNESDAY: I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!


Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 8/31

BOOZE NEWS BASH at KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers


$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

THURS 9/01

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas

FRI 9/02

ILLINI vs. ARK ST! Open 8AM, Game at 230PM $3 22oz Lite Drafts $8 Double 4 Rebels Vodka Bloody Mary Bar Free Shuttle to the Game

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

Game Day Open at 10am!

GAMEDAY! Illini vs Arkansas St Open at 11am Watch All the Games Here! Beer Garden Open All Day!

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

GAMEDAY! $2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT 9/03

Sunday Funday with... QUARTER BEERS!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 U CALL IT featuring Wells & Domestic Bottle


Closed...or are we? Only one way to find out...

SUN 9/04

FATTY NATTY PARTY! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$2 Red Bull UV Vodka's $1 U CALL IT $1 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka Shots $3 Bud Light Pitchers


Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 9/05

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music Bring your empty Camelback! $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum


DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 9/06

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/07

Labor Day Sunday Funday with... QUARTER BEERS!

COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Get Cowboy Hats! Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late-n

ight weekend serv ice

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

and that’s not all!

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

(217) 353.6800 /

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

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Bartenders of the


Julie white horse

Major: Zwahili Relationship Status: Looking to get it in Favorite shot? Cum shots - All night long How often do you black out? I probably won’t remember filling this out Secret you don’t want your parents to find out? How I really paid for college Best sexcapade? Being dead horsed on the sex bench while at White Ho What do you bench? How much do you weigh? Last dream you remember? I can’t recall, but it was probably wet If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? The hot Asian bartender at Firehaus What’s the worst sex position you’ve ever tried? Anal Lola Bunny or Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)? Jessica Rabbit Best song to set the mood? “My Dick” What celebrity would you most like to bone? Homer Simpson

drinking game:

Grand Larceny Lie, cheat, steal. These words are big no-no’s in the religious text of your choice, but people do them everyday. That pains us far too much, so we’ll drink to forget that sad fact. Number of Players: Three to six. What You Need: A deck of cards and a case of beer. Intoxication Level: You’ll rob a liquor store, and then buy beer from them. How to Play: -Have all players sit in a circle, shuffle the deck of cards. -In Grand Larceny, numbered cards are worth their value in drinks, face cards are multipliers (both a king and a queen would double the drinking) and spades are a pass. Aces count as one. -One player draws a card. If it is a number card, that player drinks the number of drinks on that card. -If a player draws a face card they drink nothing, though the next player’s drinks (assuming they draw a number card) are doubled. -If two face cards are drawn in a row, the person who pulls a number card would have their drinks tripled. Three face cards in a row? Quadruple the drinking. -Any spade drawn is a pass card. For example, if there is a face card to a player’s right and they draw a spade, it passes the multiplier on to the next player. The Game Ends When: The drunken mess next to you steals your heart.

thirsty for more?

Eren Geo's

Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: Taken Worst sexual experience? Walked in on my roommate freshman year & her hookup's clothes were on my bed...not okay Favorite drink to drink? Tequila Sunrise What cartoon character would you hook up with? Mr. Incredible, the name says it all Best night to bartend? Wednesday What reality show would you be on? Bachelorette Favorite day-drinking activity? Beer and bags Guilty pleasure food? BBQ pulled pork nachos Would you rather be mauled to death by a grizzly bear or a little league team? Little League Team What’s the best beer that’s sold in a 30 pack? Coors Light What’s your favorite slang for “Penis” and/ or “Testicles”? Shaft and suspicious bags Best pick up line? “Hey wanna get some pizza & fuck?” “What, you don’t like pizza?”

recipe for disaster:

Chocolate Lover’s Soup

Like any –holic, those with addictions simply cannot be stopped. A cheese addict? Get them a bowl of queso before they start fitting uncontrollably. A sex addict? Don’t let them near anything holey and moist. A chocolate addict? Well, I think we’ve just found their stash. What You’ll Need: 1 cup of fudge brownie mix, 1/4 cup milk, 1/2 cup of chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of peanut butter chips, graham crackers and whipped cream. Cook Time: 2-3 minutes. Fatty Factor: Hey, there’s some calcium! Healthy bones, y’all.

Let’s Get Baked: - Mix together the fudge brownie mix with the milk until you get a pudding like consistency. - Stir in the chocolate and peanut butter chips gradually. - Stir in generous amounts of whipped cream to lighten it up. - Garnish with crushed graham crackers on top. Thank god you got your fix! If they say they aren’t addicted and can stop at any time, show them to prove it to you. Chances are, they will run away with the bowl… of chocolate.






mixer center

Straight: BHawaiian Punch: B+ Sprite: ASalt and Lime: DCoke: C With a Preteen: F for you are F*cked

ˇˇˇ ˇ ˇ ˇ

Pinnacle Gummy Vodka Grade: BOverview Pinnacle has been blowing up the vodka market with their absolutely delicious array of flavors. I don’t know how they’re legally allowed to market directly to preteen girls, but good for them. After experiencing extreme success with Pinnacle Whipped Cream, Cake, and Chocolate Whipped Cream, Pinnacle decided to branch out into the candy flavored market. Considering myself a Pinnacle connoisseur, I saw this new flavor hit the shelves and broke out my old school girl outfit to get my drank on.

wouldn’t share for the life of them, and that stuff is tasty.

History Shortly after Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears was cancelled, Gummi Glen turned into your basic slum while Dunwyn’s economy deteriorated. Desperate for answers to their economical crisis, Zummi looked to alcohol for comfort. One day while in a drunken stupor, Zummi was accosted by Duke Sigmund Igthorn who saw Zummi in such a desolate state and immediately knew this was his chance to finally get his dirty paws on the Gummiberry Juice. After little to no convincing Duke Igthorn convinces Zummi to sell the Gummi’s special reserves of Gimmiberry Juice for a tenth of the price. Making out like a bandit, Duke Igthorn sold the recipe to the men at Pinnacle for 100% profit. I want to feel like Duke Igthorn is a dick, but I mean those turd bears

User Comments “What the hell is Adventures of the Gummi Bears?” “I hate when people make really old references – that show wasn’t even popular when it ran.” “This shit is way too sweet; you can’t even call this alcohol.” “I love it, tehehe, I heard drinking it will help me get my first period!”

Typical Drinkers Gruffi, Zummi, Grammi, Tummi, Sunni, Cubbi, Gusto, Sir Thornberry, Cavin, all of Canada, twelve year-old girls, men luring twelve year-old girls, Chris Hansen after he’s captured the men trying to lure twelve year-old girls and confiscated their alcohol, and all the dancers from Katy Perry’s “California Girls” music video.

Conclusion It’s always enjoyable to dig into your nostalgia, and nothing screams “high school freshman homecoming afterparty” like a fifth of delicious Pinnacle. I can almost hear Daniel Glire sitting next to me at the bonfire and asking me if he could finger me in Fardig’s family’s guest bedroom now. Sigh.


Worst TOP Burnett's TEN Flavors

Vodka nowadays has gone the way of the jellybean. It used to be a respected drink that only the burliest of Russians and Eastern Europeans could stomach, but now companies like Burnett’s and Pinnacle have been masking their shitty tasting vodka with some pretty odd flavors to appeal to the likes of 12-year-old girls. Here are some of the worst rejected flavors that almost hit store shelves. 10. Sugar: Let’s stop kidding ourselves and give the consumer what they want. If you like Whipped Cream, Gummy Fish, and Super Happy Cheesecake Fudge Factory vodka then you’ll probably like this. Consisting of thirty percent pure cane sugar, Sugar Flavored Vodka will make sure you don’t taste any of the icky icky alcohol.

Why You Should Be Happy Cigarettes Exist, Why I Smoke Them and Why You Should, Too. A Marlboro Representative wrote this Trampolines, Karl Marx, and cigarettes. What do these three things have in common? They are all great things which have been distorted by hippie, liberal agendas to appear harmful and dangerous. It is my belief that if I wish to smoke a cigarette on my trampoline while listening to music by the communist punk band DDT, that is my right as an American. However, at the rate this country is going, I would be flooded with pot-smoking hippies, protesting and playing hackie-sack on my front lawn faster than you can say “Widespread Panic b-sides.” But I digress. And while trampolines and Mr. Marx have had their share of rocky moments in the past, nothing is more unfairly persecuted by popular society than the cigarette. Three and a half inches of smooth flavor, cool buzzes and good times, the cigarette just may be one of mother nature’s greatest gifts, along with help from the great chemical engineers of the world. However, turn on any news station and you will see story after story about how, “5.4 million people die each year because of tobacco,” or, “Cigarettes have over 4,000 chemicals in them.” Yeah, 4,000 delicious chemicals, maybe. The point is most people consider smoking cigarettes to be a harmful activity. When in actuality they are basing these opinions on completely unfounded facts. The liberal media will tell you that cigarettes are harmful carcinogens. Completely untrue. Cigarettes, in reality, are perfectly harmless, if not healthy for you. It’s a well-known fact that smoking after a meal aids with digestion. That’s pure science: The nicotine in the smoke relaxes your digestive system, allowing that food to just slide on through without causing any damage along the way. Also, there has been a surge of findings showing that cigarettes can actually help fight cancer. Apparently, the mixture of chemicals in cigarettes, which give them both their smooth taste and re-vitalizing qualities, actually acts to blast tumors, mostly manifesting through usage of nicotine gum and electronic smoking alternatives, right out of a person’s lungs. There are also many other hidden benefits to smoking, which, for some reason, are never mentioned on the news. For instance, every time a person goes out for a

smoke they are getting 5-10 minutes of fresh air that they would never have gotten by sitting inside. Also, if one were to smoke at a bar as opposed to dancing and meeting people, you would avoid the risk of contracting an STD, a common risk of casual sex. Bam! Right there you are saving money on doctor visits, prescription creams, and a pretty large headache. Also, let’s not forget how cool cigarettes are. I know from personal experience that whenever I light up in a public space like a grocery store or gas station I immediately become the center of attention. You could take any dorky, fat kid with body odor and a collection of Star Wars pogs, give him a Marlboro Red cigarette, and the next thing you know he’s banging porn stars in his life size Millennium Falcon cockpit replica. Personally, I find it a great boost to my self-esteem to know that I share at least one thing in common with Miles Davis. That guy smoked four packs a day, and he was a jazz legend, a huge hit with the ladies, and had a voice like an angel. I also find it useful that if I ever need to ignite something/ someone doused in gasoline, I can do so in an extremely badass way. Admittedly, there are a few things about cigarettes which are dangerous. For instance, a smoker is over ten times more likely to get struck by lightning. While uncommon, it does happen, and those Zippo lighters make great lightning rods. Also, smokers are significantly more likely to accidentally light themselves on fire. While not advised to do so, sometimes smoking while changing the oil in your car or refueling a lawn mower is too appetizing to pass up. Other than that, there is really no reason to get all in a fuss over cigarettes. So the next time you feel compelled to lecture your children about lighting up or yell at your co-worker about the mystical “second-hand smoke,” just remember that maybe, just maybe, they are trying to help out in a small way. And if in some strange circumstance all of those studies about the dangers of smoking on the news are true, they were probably doing the tests on Camel cigarettes, and not Marlboro or any Marlboro related products.

9. Vodka: I’m not sure if Burnett’s has ever made this flavor. Without some novelty tacked on to the taste we can find this flavor about as pleasing as rubbing alcohol to the urethra. 8. Testosterone: Considering ninety percent of people who regularly drink Burnett’s are on the same cycle anyway, this flavor is pretty much a waste of time. However, if you want to grow the world’s smallest nutsack, then this flavor is for you. 7. Hangover: Do you know that taste of dried up vomit and hooker spit you get in your mouth when waking up right after a night of binge drinking? With Hangover Burnett’s, you can now taste that whenever you like! After drinking it, though, you’ll repeatedly tell yourself that you’ll never do that again. 6. Half and half: For all those who still need to hide their parent’s liquor by adding water to it. This bottle already comes mixed! It’s perfectly watered down so your pesky parents will never be able to tell when you’ve stolen some. It also works great when you’ve completely run out of mixers. 5. Beef Jerky: Pretty much the same deal as the Testosterone flavor. If you’re wasting your time drinking this then you need to man up and upgrade to whiskey and rum already. 4. Drama: Those bitches better not be talking shit when you’re sipping on this flavor. Why, just ten minutes into this drink you’ll be sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom while your annoyed friends try in vain to comfort you. The bottle also comes with an easy break away bottom that leaves a jagged and dangerous weapon. 3. Shame: This goes great with the Hangover flavor. After you already have that kitty litter taste in your mouth, top it off with this and feel an immediate sense of guilt and disgust at yourself. You’ll feel a rush as you examine the aimlessness of your life along with a memory of every embarrassing and regretful thing you can remember. Also great for worrying about ex’s and the fact that you texted them. 2. Bi-curious Hook-up: This flavor works well if you’ve always wondered what it’d be like to kiss your best friend. I mean, what could the harm be, really? You’ve known each other your whole lives, this is just another thing that you two can share. This is great if you chase it with another shot of shame the next morning. 1. Ke$ha Sweat: If you want to encompass Shame, Bi-curious Hook-up and Beef Jerky flavors all together then this is your vodka. One sip and you’ll feel the need scream a song everyone hates at the top of your lungs. The secret ingredient in this concoction is about two pounds of glitter and a cup of semen.

John McHoneyCombs wrote this


continued from cover story... enough to throw himself into it using the logic that Green Spandex>bad guys with knives. Whether or not he's the greatest (or even the ‘okay’est) actual superhero is a moot point because the fact remains that every time he kamikazes himself at a mugging-in-process like a drunk Japanese pilot with a conscience, he’s taking the attention off of you. This leaves you free to run away, unharmed and un-robbed. Of course, you could always stick around and take a video of him on your iPhone, because the least you can do for Kick-Ass’ style of confused, suicidally selfless crime-fighting is give it a little exposure, you inconsiderate dick. The only thing to remember is to make sure you’re out of there before he inevitably gets stabbed, because that’s when phones get (re)stolen and teenage superheroes get hit by cars and strip naked which, for those of you keeping score at home, equals three uncomfortable situations all rolled into one. Captain Underpants. In the Captain Underpants series, the ever-stern Principal Krupp would transform into the fearless Captain Underpants at the snap of a finger. What if President Hogan did this? If any student ever felt in danger while walking home, he/she could just snap their fingers and Big Mike would hobble up in his knickers shouting “TRA-LA-LAA!” while most likely sipping on a vodka and Diet Schweppes and... wait, yeah, this is a weird idea. Spider-Pig. According to Homer Simpson’s ad-libbed theme song, a SpiderPig does whatever a Spider-Pig does. Homer doesn’t seem to know exactly what that is, outside of leaving hoof-marks all over his living room ceiling, but we can’t deny the potential there. Maybe what a Spider-Pig does is patrol college campuses and beat up bad guys! Of course, this theory also leaves open the possibility that a Spider-Pig eats baby kittens, flings its poops at people who wear backwards hats, and hates Jews. Despite all this, I think it’s a risk worth taking.

Repairman man man man! Although try as he might, he’ll probably just end up making everything worse. One Powerpuff Girl. It can’t be Buttercup, she’s too busy waterboarding innocent citizens. Seriously, she was a bitch. But Bubbles or Blossom are both sweethearts itching for a chance at a solo career, like Andy Richter, or Theodore the Chipmunk. Wait a second. Did you know that these girls have legitimate individual powers? Like, really cool powers. In fact, if somebody were to direct a gritty re-boot of The Powerpuff Girls it could easily end up as a sexier version of the X-Men series. Or a...something version of... never mind it would be the exact same as Sucker Punch, but if those girls could fly. Back to the powers, Bubbles can talk to animals AND monsters and Blossom can breath ice, which officially makes her at least 1/20th Superman, and if you consider that Superman has, at best, 1/47th of Blossom’s ponytail, then the argument can clearly be made that Blossom is a better crime fighter than the Man of Steel. North Champaign’s MOJO wouldn’t stand a fighting JOJO! (If you were wondering, for the sake of that pun I decided that “jojo” and “chance” are synonyms.) Honestly, if we can’t make any of these happen then I think we’re all doomed. The University police can parade around their soon-to-be-new Chief of Police and their ridiculous looking electronic Big Wheels (“sentinels” my ass, those are god damn Big Wheels) all they want, but if we don’t get some help soon some SUPER help - then the 2012 doomsday prophecy might as well be referring to the rise of North Champaign. You heard it here first, and if you know what’s good for you it might be time to start practicing those nunchucks you drunkenly bought off Amazon, because without superheroes we all have to fend for ourselves.

“The Powderpuff Girls are here to clean up the mean streets of Champaign.” scan & learn

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

Colombiana MIKE BENSON saw this and gave it a...



Olivier Megaton (no, really)

Our Idiot Brother

Out Now

Starring: Zooey Deschanel, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd What You Need to Know: Everyone has that one family member, you know, the black sheep of the family? Or, in a much meaner phrase, the idiot sibling that generally makes life harder because they always mess things up. Paul Rudd plays Ned, an organic farmer who just can’t seem to get his life together but in the funniest way possible. What We Think: Paul Rudd is a pretty funny dude, so even if the plot proves to be somewhat unoriginal we can expect to at least get a few good laughs in. Hopefully the awesome female roles in this film will pleasantly surprise us, so we’re crossing our fingers for that, too.

Apollo 18

Sept. 2nd

Starring: Lloyd Owen, Warren Christie What You Need to Know: The last manned mission to the moon was Apollo 17, in 1972. But the typical sneaky American government launched one more secret mission, and this is the intense footage from it that they’ve never shown. SPOOKY! What We Think: Conspiracies are really interesting, especially after you’ve smoked a whole lot of ganja. This film might potentially be incredibly fake but like, have you ever been to the moon? No, you haven’t, so you just never know what the fuck is going on. Maybe this is why Obama cut the space program; they know something that we don’t!!!


Sept. 9th

Starring: Marion Cotillard, Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne. What You Need to Know: An infectious diseases threatens humanity, lots of humanity. In fact, there’s a bunch of different kinds of families that get infected, even the beautiful (Jude Law), white (Kate Winslet), blonde (Gwyneth Paltrow) families. This is their story, and they get really weird. What We Think: So this is exactly like 28 Days and 28 Days Later and I Am Legend and, well, kind of like Zombieland too if you really think about it. But wouldn’t it be absolutely ridiculous if this kind of think actually happened? Yeah, that’s what we think too, which is why we will see this movie.


Zoe Saldana, a bunch of other people you wouldn’t recognize.


Zap! Boom! Pow! What? After having the closest people to her heart blown away by bloodthirsty gangsters, a young girl overcomes adversity and decides to take the law into her own hands. It’s a story about revenge. It’s a story about female empowerment. With a sexy young star playing a bloodthirsty assassin, this film, with its stylized action sequences and gritty view of the underground criminal world, truly re-writes the way we should think about action films. All in all, Kill Bill was an amazing movie. Colombiana, on the other hand, kind of sucked. Directed by awesomely-named Olivier Megaton and staring Zoe Saldana as orphanturned-assassin Cataleya, Colombiana ultimately adds nothing to the table in terms of summer action films. Now, Colombiana isn’t the kind of laugh-out-loud cheesy, poorly acted million-dollar piece of trash that a lot of current action films are turning out to be, but it certainly wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. Beginning in the slums of Columbia, the story of Colombiana starts out with Cataleya’s parents being murdered by gangsters for reasons that are never explained. She then moves to America somehow and trains to be an elite ninja assassin somehow by someone. After acquiring her skills, she assassinates gangsters who we don’t know. Cataleya is in love with an artist for some reason and nothing ever really comes out of it. After a series of remarkable coincidences, the police start to crack down on Cataleya. Towards the end, Cataleya experiences tragedy when, once again, the ones clos-

on DVD

est to her are murdered by some gangsters for some reason, again unexplained. That is the story of Colombiana in a nutshell. More specifically, there really isn’t one. The story of Colombiana is really just a way to bridge together the different action sequences in the movie. I never understood why it’s acceptable for action films to have minimal story and character development and still be considered good movies based solely on the action. Action films like Batman Begins and The Bourne Identity were action films that also focused on story and characters. Both of those movies would have been good without any fighting at all, and the fighting that is done in those movies serve to advance the plot, not the other way around. One problem I always have when watching action films is my inability to get over the sheer impossibility of it all. Whenever I bring this up, though, there is always somebody who says, “Yeah, but it’s an action film.” While I do understand this argument, I also feel that the further an action film stretches reality, the more distant my reactions to it are. To me, a man shooting someone and then getting chased and gunned down by one police officer on foot can be way more suspenseful than someone blowing up an embassy with a bazooka and then being chased by twenty apache helicopters off the edge of the Grand Canyon. For instance, there is a scene early in the movie when the young Cataleya, roughly the age of six, is being chased through a town by

gangsters on dirt bikes. Obviously, she gets away. But, in reality, this scene would have gone a little like this: Cataleya is being chased through the town by gangsters on dirt bikes. Cataleya: Oh no! The gangsters run over Cataleya immediately and murder her. Scene. Also I found it a bit strange that, by the end of the film, the character Danny, Cataleya’s love interest, is still in love with Cataleya even after he learns that she had been lying to him since they met and that she is a serial murderer. There were a few things I really liked about Colombiana, though. For one, I found the stealthy assassinations throughout the film to be rather inventive and often suspenseful. While cheating often (over-sized ventilation shafts, sleeping security guards, conveniently placed security cameras, etc.), the manner in which the character of Cataleya breaks both in and out of buildings, estates, or jail cells is often clever and exciting. Towards the end, though, the film took more of an all-out, guns-drawn shootout angle as opposed to the stealthy assassin slant, which carried the first two-thirds of the film. Again, while the ending was intense and loud, it contains absolutely nothing I haven’t seen in another action film, which is ultimately all that Colombiana is.

oh zoe, zoe, zoe...

answers are a few from here

August 30: Rio Madea’s Big Happy Family Prom Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs September 6: X-Men: First Class Scream 5 Hanna Hellbound: Hellraiser II

Zoe was nominated for "Best Kiss" thanks to her on-screen smooch with this guy in Drumline...

Zoe appeared as this character in Pirates of the Caribbean...

In 2009, Zoe appeared in these two sci-fi blockbusters...

Which "FHM Hot 100 List" does Zoe rank higher in: The US or the UK?


The New New New Ron Zook Chronicles Vol. I

the interview

Illinois kicks off its football season this Saturday with a home game against the arch-rival Arkansas State Red Wolves, whatever those are. We tracked down Illini football coach Ron Zook to see what he had to say about the upcoming season. season do you— Ron Zook: Oh shit, not you again. Zook: Don’t care. Fine. The Black Sheep: Hey, Ron! TBS: The Ohio State scandal? Zook: Are you ever going to graduate? Zook: Fine. TBS: Are you going to ever stop being mildly enterTBS: Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese Chalupa? taining? Zook: Fine. Zook: Fine, let’s get on with it. TBS: Missionary-style sex? TBS: So, what are your expectations for the Illini Zook: Definition of fine. football team this year? TBS: The new Legends and Leaders divisions in the Zook: We’ll be fine. Big Ten? TBS: Um, alright. Nate Scheelhaase, big expectaZook: Oh, holy shit! Not. Fine. tions for him coming into this year? TBS: Ah! Um, why not? Zook: He’ll be fine. Zook: It’s just retarded, right? TBS: You…you’re not really giving me a whole lot to TBS: Yeah, I think everyone thinks those names are work with here, coach. pretty dumb. Zook: That’s fine. Zook: Names? The ole’ Zooker don’t care about no TBS: Okay, then. With Mikel Leshoure gone, how names! What are we doing in the “Leaders” division? much does that hurt the Illinois running attack? TBS: I think it was a pretty arbitrary decision. Zook: It’ll be fine. Zook: Hah! It’s like they ain’t even see Ron Ron and TBS: And with Martez Wilson gone do you think what he can do. How do you stick Ron Juan in the tha— “Leaders” division?! Zook: Also fine. TBS: Again, I don’t think it was anything personal. TBS: Corey Liuget? Zook: Like hell! They’re doin’ it just to spite Ronald Zook: Fine. Zookdonald! TBS: Some people say your job is on the line this


Out Now

Lil Wayne

Tha Carter IV

The third time’s the charm, not the fourth. If you’ve never heard the saying “never be the last one to leave a party,” then you’ve probably been the last one at a party before, and know how awkward/terrible it is. All the cool kids arrive fashionably late then bounce before there’s even a hint of the party winding down, and there you are, too drunk on the front steps with rap music blaring to no one. It’s an important statement to live by, friends. Though Wayne took a hiatus from the rap/ rock-party scene after Rebirth to spend 8 months in the slammer, he had good intentions for how to pop back from that. He started recording his 9th studio album The Carter IV shortly after the amazingly successful The Carter III came out in 2008, which sold millions of records and won him a Grammy. After the success, he put the recording on hold so that he wouldn’t release something “potentially inferior” (yet, see Rebirth and I Am Not a Human Being). Sounds pretty pessimistic, Wayne. The first single from The Carter IV, “6 Foot, 7 Foot,” has a catchy beat via the Jamaican folk song “Day-O” (perhaps most familiar during that one scene in Beetlejuice when the gang starts dancing and singing around the kitchen table) which is a creative cop-out to a catchy hook. But that’s fine, because more of the original beats on the album definitely don’t deliver. Drake is back and boring as ever, lending uninspired vocals to the second single “She Will” where he raps about if he’s going to get some pussy from this girl, and that maybe he will but


then again, maybe he won’t; how deep. “How to Hate” features perfectly awful T-Pain, autotuning his way into oblivion. People really still use Autotune seriously? It’s a shame, because the lack of talent from Drake, T-Pain and a few others that collab on this album take away from what Wayne could have done… or perhaps it was to gloss over what he was unable to do. “President Carter” is a clever song that samples Jimmy Carter’s inauguration from waaay back when in 1976, so now you know instead of continuously thinking that it sounded “familiar.” But besides from that, this is one of the better slower songs on the album. One of the other slower songs “How to Love” is an emotional, wellproduced tune that I can give props to, but Lil Wayne at his best is not crying about how he doesn’t know how to love. He better when he’s screeching and being loud and fun, which is what he needs to go back to; more creativity and originality, less boring beats that all start to sound the same. I don’t think Lil Wayne should have ended his career just because he spent some time behind bars, but he just needs to know when to leave the party. But at this rate he better stick around until the next one, because I think he left his talent between the couch cushions at the last one. Sounds Like: Lil Wayne is getting tired. Download: 6 Foot 7 Foot, President Carter, Outro Listen to it When: You’ve been a fan of Wayne’s since his Cash Money days, and you just have to.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES David Guetta - Where Them Girls At Cobra Starship - Night Shades George Straight - Here For A Good Time Mike Doughty - Yes And Also Yes

Princess Chelsea - Lil Golden Book Red Hot Chili Peppers - I'm With You The Red Suit Apparatus - AM I The Enemy The Rapture - The Grace Of Your Love

TBS: I don’t think so. Zook: It’s true! They’re doin’ it just to rub salt in the ole’ axe wound! What about Ronald Jebediah Zook ain’t the stuff of legend? What these other coaches have done that get them in the “Legends” league? TBS: Well, I mean Joe Paterno’s in the “Leaders” division, and he’s about as legendary as it comes in college football. He’s the definition of a leader. Zook: Psh, the only think that old crusty fart box can lead is the next shit train to Deathsville. Those dickwad coaches over there got nothin’ on me. What has Kirk Ferentz done that Zooklander hasn’t? TBS: I don’t know. Zook: I’ll tell you what, I bet he’s never tied two cats together by the tails then lit them on fire just to see what happens. Now that’s legendary. TBS: Or sadistic. Zook: Or that Bo Pelini, he ain’t more than a jizz stain on a pine log. You think he’s ever forced a homeless man to eat a broken glass bottle? The man didn’t have a job, he needed motivation, and you bet your sweet ass that LeRon James motivated his sweet ass. TBS: Holy shit, you really did that? Zook: Nary 20 minutes ago. TBS: How the hell did they see you fit to be in the “Leaders” division? Zook: That’s what I’m saying! Leaders can be made, but legends are born. It’s an offense to my existence that I ain’t considered more of a legend around these parts. They’re considering Brady Hoke a legend and he ain’t even coached a damn game yet! I bet he’s never even flashed a bus full of schoolchildren just to see which one would cry first. I’m the stuff of legends, not him! TBS: I don’t think you should be telling me any of this. Zook: Or what? They’re going to come arrest a legend? Who and what army? They should be arresting that fraud gash up in Minnesota, what’s his face… TBS: Jerry Kill? Zook: I don’t give two shits what that fake’s name is, he ain’t legendary up to the level of RonDawg. What, he thinks he’s tough tits just ‘cause his name’s “Kill”? The name doesn’t live up to the legend, boy. At media day I asked him if he wanted to help me drain the blood from this drifter I found under a bridge, and he didn’t even want to watch. TBS: I…um. I have to go call the pol… Zook: The what? TBS: The polenta factory. It’s where I work. Zook: Oh, really? My wife makes amazing polenta! You should stop by sometime. TBS: Sure, whatever. Any last words to those who put you in the “Leaders” division? Zook: Go to hell! And GO ILLINI!

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Illinois - 9/1/11  

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Illinois - 9/1/11  

University of Illinois - 19.03