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The Black Sheep

Sav free or ...li the ke t h a and roma e Dink gre of M y to asy wn c hom Dona sta ele lds, nk. ssn Wh ess isk e .

Vol. 5, Issue 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

y,

10/17/13 - 10/23/13

The University shutdown BY: Megan Felz The University of Minnesota decided to take a page out of the government’s play book and get out of the action. President Kaler has announced a university-wide shutdown. Folks around the UMN campus are trying to get to the bottom of what will go down as “The most idiotic thing to happen since the ‘M’ was painted on the 45-yard line.” Luckily, The Black Sheep is here to provide you with some answers. The conflict began on a weirdly temperate, cold-rainy-hot-mucky (let’s just accept that the weather’s been weird) day. The good people of the East and West Banks could not come to a conclusion on the matter of where to allocate their funds. The CEOs over at Carlson were demanding a full-time employee to buff their shoes upon entering the building. The kids over at Rarig were campaigning for an ungodly number of strobe lights to be strategically placed throughout the buildings. The people at Tate wanted a bedazzled telescope. Finally, all of the English majors in Lind wanted a monkey in a top hat. This is merely the surface of the long list of contentions. As a result of parties unwilling to come to terms on a budget, all nonessential university staff will be sent home to shenanigan to their hearts’ content. Positions that have been deemed essential and will remain open include all coffee shop personnel, the Campus People Watchers’ executive board, every pizza vendor within a 1-mile radius, the people who make the nametags for the university, and everyone who preaches in the middle of the Mall. McNamara Alumni Center will remain open as well, because nobody wants a horde of crotchety alumni bombarding the building with their walkers and peeing in the fountain out of resentment. In addition, all construction will continue because if that light rail isn’t finished by 2014, then what are we even doing here, people? What’s the point? Additionally, all tours for the time being will be cancelled. The intense urge to wear khakis and walk backwards for an ungodly amount of time will have to be satisfied elsewhere. Jobs that were once occupied by “non-essential” employees will be taken over by whoever the hell wants to drive the Campus Connector and anyone who feels as though they have the balls to man the deep-fryer over at the Chick-fil-A in Coffman. Worse still, financial services will be closed and bartering will become the law of the land. Commodities such as froyo and coupons for a free t-shirt with the purchase of a $100 tattoo will become means

for compensation. A cup of coffee will now cost twelve homecoming buttons, and your textbooks will run you about 500 gumballs . Prepare accordingly. It’s unsure when the “shutdown” will shut back up, but until the two banks of the mighty Mississippi can come to a verdict on how to divvy up funds, it appears as though the UMN campus will remain closed indefinitely. The estimated costs that’ll be incurred as a result

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page 5

Rapper Turns the Tables on Police

Top 10: Terrible UMN Date Locations

A peek into senility and why the fire department remains lovable.

of the shutdown are, at the very least, equivalent to the mental health bills that you racked up after you saw your parents having sex on the hammock in your backyard. Right now the only thing that seems to provide even a glimmer of hope for reconciliation among the banks are talks of getting a zip-line from the Social Sciences building to Coffman. Until that day comes, brace yourselves for a ride that’s shaping up to be more tense than wearing a Packers jersey to a Vikings game.

think again on potential budgetfriendly campus spots

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Are you smarter than Kelsey from the LIbrary didn’t know what an equilateral quadrangle was. Do you? Probably not.


>>

Meet the Staff <<

Campus manager Liandra Sy

Campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Managers Ryan Betz

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Alexandra Adams Megan Felz Heather Berglund

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

Social media manager Alexandra Adams

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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Rapper Turns the Tables on Police, Writes “F Da Fire Department” By: black sheep staff With his new incendiary hit song, “F Da Fire Department,” rapper Dr. Dray-Bans has come out of retirement and shot to the top of the charts. The Black Sheep sat down with the doctor to get to the bottom of his divisive track. The Black Sheep: Thanks for talking with us, Doctor. First things first. We’ve gotta ask: Why now? Why come out of retirement after 25 years? Dr. Dray-Bans: I’ll tell you why. There’s an abusive government program that’s ruining our way of life. It’s about time that someone stood up to this monster once and for all. TBS: And what is this monster? Obamacare? DDB: Nah, man, it’s the fucking fire department. TBS: Really? Well, your new song has caused quite a bit of controversy. It’s not a very popular belief. Most people

actually love everything about the fire department. DDB: They don’t know shit. TBS: At one point in the song you actually say, “Red devil riding through the town / Spraying poison all around / Tryna keep the doctor down.” This is pretty extreme. Why exactly are you mad at the fire department? DDB: I’m tired of the crap that the fire department gets away with. People always say “fuck da police,” but I’m not about that. I’ve only got beef with the fire brigade. Them and their dumbass hats and shit. TBS: What could you possibly have against the fire department? That’s like hating rainbows or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. DDB: First of all, they’re always riding around blasting that awful music, waking me up and shit.

TBS: Are you talking about the sirens? DDB: Look man, I don’t know the names of any of those dubstep DJs, I just know that I don’t like it. It’s not even music, it’s just random layers of noise. It sounds like a someone threw a damn baby in a blender. TBS: Well, it’s not music, it’s supposed to be ... nevermind. Is that the only reason for your hatred of firemen? DDB: Hell no. They’re the worst. TBS: Can you elaborate on that at all? DDB: They’re pointless, man. All the do is speed down the street whenever they want and be loud as hell. When I do that I get a ticket and a full body frisk. What’s up with that? TBS: Actually, in the U.S., only about 10 out of a million people die each year from fires and that’s down by 20% from the year 2000. So, they’re remarkably good at preventing and rescuing people from fires.

DDB: But they’re always buttin’ in, you know? If my son starts a fire in the kitchen, there ain’t no need to give the whole house a shower; that’s a teachable moment. Maybe once he breathes in a dangerous amount of smoke, he’ll learn to stop putting silverware in the microwave. I don’t need Uncle Sam telling me how to raise my kids. TBS: It’s not really Uncle Sam; he’s not a real person—just a personification of the government. And really, the fire department isn’t bad...

DDB: And what really pisses me off is that they’re always taking all the best parking spots in front of those little red, tree-stump lookin’ things. Just because they drive a fancy big red van they think they can save themselves a great spot in front of every store. I mean how many fire trucks are there in the world? Why do they get the only spots that are better than the handicap ones? My grandma only got one leg and she gotta walk further than one uh those red dudes. TBS: Yeah, we’re done here.

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House Hunters

The

Top

Minneapolis Ten

Terrible UMN Date Locations By: Alexandra Adams

College, the ultimate breeding ground for sexual tension since before Molly Ringwald was cool. But, be careful, take your date to any of the following locations, and your name will surely be added to the wall of slanderous bathroom graffiti. Have no fear, The Black Sheep is here to make sure that you’re not the person who turns that sexual tension into just plain ol’ tension. 10.) Van Cleave Park: Aw, how romantic, right? Wrong. Parks are great in theory but in actuality are terrible. Minnesota’s just a real unpredictable bitch when it comes to weather. In between the frozen tundra and sweat-soaked hellscape, there’s still a shit ton of bees and mosquitoes to ruin those waning few days for enjoyable outdoor activity. Yippee! 9.) A Gophers game: Unless you’re severely intoxicated or the Gophers magically win, it’s not fun to go with someone you are trying to court. Getting a flask spilled on you is much more likely than the chance of you getting any action. Plus, there’s always the potential for a cameo on the kiss cam, and you’re just never really sure how much tongue to use. 8.) Starbucks: Starbucks. Really? There’s like five of them within a mile radius. Game over before it even starts. The only thing Starbucks really does is pump coffee into kids who’ve pulled all nighters and serve sorority girls vats upon vats of pumpkin-flavored shit. Pick literally any coffee shop besides this one. No promises it will work though because “coffee date” just screams, “I’m poor!”

By: black sheep staff *Knock Knock* “Hi, are you living here next year?” “…No,” you reply exhaustedly as you slowly open the door wider to reveal a gang of freshmen guys. “Well do you think we could take a peek at your digs?” You shut your eyes in hopes that they will vanish, and all of this was simply a Flaming Hot Cheetosinduced hallucination. You open your eyes. No luck. “Yeah, sure, come on in,” is all you manage to choke out. Don’t they know you had big plans to watch America’s Next Top Model before your roommates got back? The trio of inexperienced mouth breathers begin to invade your TV room, bombarding you with dumbass questions like, “Does the furniture come with?” and, “Where’d you get this poster?” You pray to God that they will be swift with their tour, but you can tell by the puzzled looks on their naïve faces that you have to make a quick decision: Do you give them a regular tour which could last a life time, or take them on a painfully awkward expedition that would surely get them out of your hair, and out of your house? You choose the latter, and for that we salute you. Follow these carefully laid out steps and you’ll surely get rid of these house hunting swine in no time. 1.) Introduction: “Ok, dickheads, listen up. Let’s get this shit going, I have water on the stove and my mac and cheese ain’t gonna make itself.” Make sure to be very hostile. The only way to get out of this sticky wicket is to be as rude as possible. Use name-calling throughout the tour de shithole; it is crucial, and reasserts your superiority as an independent upperclassman.

2.) Main Floor: “Look, but don’t touch. I just steam cleaned the upholstery and I don’t need your sweaty hands fingering my couch pillows.” Continue with crude comments and senseless statements. “Here’s the kitchen, douchebags. The cabinets are smaller than Brady Hoke’s dingdong, and the fridge smells like the man himself after a hot night of passion with Devin Gardner.”

7.) A bar packed with U students: Going to a bar right next to campus that’s just famous for “good times”, will probably not end in “good times” for you. This particular locale is not conducive to discussion. You won’t be able to move, much less hear anything, and the most you’ll learn about your new bang bud is whether he’s a fan of the front grind. 6.) Your favorite restaurant: If they know your name, it’s not a good early date spot. How will you come off when the staff smiles, waves, and asks if you’ve dropped chem yet? Lonely. That’s how. 5.) “Drunk”Donalds: Broaden your horizons. There’s only fast food joints on campus, so unless the local stripper is buying you something off the dollar menu with last night’s earnings, then you should reconsider your restaurant choice. You spend enough time on campus as it is.

3.) Top Floor: “Here are the bedrooms you smug little sluts. They’re all small, and filled with regrets. You smell that boys? That’s the sickly scent of broken dreams.” Make sure you go into disgusting detail about bad experiences and failed sexual experiments. We know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Definitely bring up that one time you tried “The Shocker” on a girl and she donkey kicked you in the face. 4.) Basement: “Okay, you douche lords. I saved the best for last. Follow me into the dungeon.” Like most basements in the Twin Cities, it’s unfinished, damp, and infested with insects that even Bear Grylls wouldn’t eat. Take your unwanted guests into the Chamber of Secrets and tell them horrifying ghosts stories about previous owners. Example: “The management told us that the previous owners of this house had an illegal tenant who lived down here. Legend has it, he became a shut in and when move out day came they couldn’t find him. But every now and then you can hear him moaning about how rent is too damn high, and sometimes you can see his shadow while doing laundry.” If followed to a tee, these steps should be your ticket to a swift tour. Word may even spread about how your house is haunted. More than likely, though, word will spread about how you’re the biggest piece of shit on the block. Either way, view it as a win as you settle into your futon to watch all those DVR-ed episodes of Top Model with your mac and cheese.

4.) Your couch: Ah yes, the official date spot of friends with benefits and moderately promiscuous high schoolers. Guess what? This is not an acceptable spot for courting someone. It’s like your calc class: there’s no way this can end well. 3.) The Mall of America: What is this, middle school? Is your mom going to pick you up after and yell at you for blowing all your birthday money? Malls are bad enough for a date, but the Mall of America, stuffed to the gills with tourists and families, takes the cake in the “miserable” category. 2.) Dinkytown past 9 p.m.: A date past 8 is usually fine. What’s not fine is sitting at Shuang’s trying to have a nice meal and instead drowning in a sea of drunk asshats. With dinner in Dinky, either go out early or pay the liquor-soaked consequences. 1.) Your friend’s shitty band gig: Yeah, they’re the worst. Like 12 people will show up and one of them will be you. The other: your date. Your job is to support the bejesus out of your idiot friend. Don’t drag your poor date into it. It’s a lot more difficult to set the mood when there’s sounds of drowning cats and prairie dogs.

05


Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you had to wear one article of the opposite sex’s clothing every day for the rest of your life, what clothing item would you choose?

enior Eskender, S

“Floral pants, though may they seem seasonal, they really aren’t.”

r Cody, Senio

“High heels, because I’ve always been a little self conscious of my flat ass, and I hear that high heels help in that regard.”

r Marie, Senio

“Men’s loafers, because they’re stylish and comfortable.”

06


crossword

Music Genres ACROSS 3) When you can’t fit into any other category. 8) Toro Y Moi and Washed Out are popular artists of this genre. 9) Chicago is the birthplace of this club-based genre. 11) A color, plural. 12) Insane Clown Posse (amongst others) is at the front of this obscure genre. 15) The “ED” in EDM. 16) Skrillex popularized this genre in the U.S. 18) The tunes of Jamaica.

5) Men will play in this type of band, usually when you’re eating enchiladas. 6) United States bluegrass 7) The umbrella term for rap music in general. 10) Psy’s “Gangnam Style” exemplifies this genre. 13) The “R” in R&B. 14) This type of music is also known as Muzak. 17) Germany is the birthplace of this slow techno genre.

DOWN 1) The Baha Men created music in this Bahamian genre. 2) A rock genre that originated in 1980s Seattle. 3) Dashboard Confessional and lots of angsty tears. 4) Your parents took drugs to this genre.

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES


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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

WED: 8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

TUES: Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Thursday 10/17

COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 10/18

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 10/19

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 10/20

Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 10/21

Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 10/22

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 10/23

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)


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The Bar Grid EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

FRIDAY: FOAM PARTY! 18+ All Weekend! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers!

TUESDAY: No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 10/17

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 10/18

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 10/19

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 10/20

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

FOAM PARTY! 18+ All Weekend!

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open! 18+ All Weekend!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!

Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 10/21

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 10/22

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 10/23

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies


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Top 10: Ways to Embarrass Yourself in Class By: black Sheep Staff Class — a place filled with leggings and the toned bodies that rest underneath them, a place with that one guy who won’t shut the hell up, a place you attempt to regularly avoid. But if we’re being real, you spend a lot of time here, thus giving you ample opportunity to destroy any respect you previously had amongst your peers. It’ll happen at some point, but in the meantime, hope the dude next to you does it first. 10.) Failed to do the Reading: If it’s not in the form of a tweet, status update, or Buzzfeed-style list packed with gifs, see you later. You and your self-diagnosed ADD can’t handle things like “books.” Best of luck explaining to your class the case study on Sub-Saharan African economies that you never bought, much less skimmed. 9.) You’re White Girl Wasted: St. Patty’s day is one thing, a deep NCAA tourney run by our Gophers is another, but come on, it’s Tuesday. At 11:30 a.m. At least keep the head bobbing and hiccups to a minimum. 8.) Failed Courtship: In your yoga class that you took to “improve your flexibility… and stuff,” grunting to the girl in front of you that you “like the way she sweats” probably won’t persuade her to go on a run with you later. 7.) Show Up High: Giving a presentation on deciduous forests to a room full of 300 supply chain majors may be a give-away. Four bowls can make differentiating Lind Hall from Ackerman Hall a difficult endeavor. 6.) Answer Every Question: On the opposite end of the spectrum, nobody likes a goody-two-shoes. When you show up with your hair perfectly kept and a Venti Starbucks something or other every damn day, you’re inevitably a target for loathing. Classmates hate your steady grades and know-it-all attitude. Thankfully, your impossible to ignore lisp makes your constant whining a bit more entertaining. 5.) Drunken Angel Message: You thought you were sending a casual email to your ex. Turns out, you told your project group that you haven’t “gotten one out in a while.” Now 10 semi-strangers will receive that message approximately fifteen times. Have fun at the next meeting, it definitely won’t be wildly uncomfortable.

4.) Anxiety Attack: Nothing says you’re comfortable in your own skin like hyperventilating during a 45-second introductory speech in your COM class. The awkward, unsure applause from classmates for the remainder of your public speaking course will grow on you, hopefully. 3.) Professor Reads Your Text: Everyone’s had that one “I get to answer your phone” professor. Well, today is your lucky day. You forgot to put your phone on vibrate and now, as classmates anxiously wait, they get to hear all about your “issue” and how your friend wants to know if they should head to Boynton to “get checked out as well.” 2.) Vomit: Your stomach violently churns. It growls like a pissed off lion that had a bad batch of Rice Kitchen. You feel like you can ride it out, but then, in an instant, there’s no fighting it, and there you are, frantically grasping your neighbor’s backpack to expel god-knows-what. You’ll gain the rep of being a hard-boozin’ alcoholic without enjoying the benefits, like drunkenly napping through that awful lecture. 1.) Fart: Class drones on and you feel a cramp in your back. You decide to stretch. As your spine arches, you hear someone let out a high squeaker. It starts strong, then wanes, like air releasing from a balloon. You soon realize that someone was you. Everyone laughs hysterically, and you, mortified and red faced, try to play it off. Embrace your new nickname, Fart Guy.


Are You Smarter

Kelsey from The Library

Drinking Game

than?

1) Music: What folk band recently went on indefinite hiatus after releasing their second album?

6) Martial Arts: What Brazilian martial art combines dance, acrobatics and music?

2) Food: Mayonnaise is a creamy mixture of oil, vinegar and what fromanimal product?

7) Money: What United States bill recently saw a new version issued to the public?

3) Technology: Recently Samsung has been advertising for the Samsung Galaxy Gear Smart ____.

8) World Records: The tallest mountain in the world, Mount Everest, straddles what two countries?

4) Literature: The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club is the first work by this writer.

9) Baseball: Bill James coined what nerdy term for the empirical study of baseball?

5) Math: An equilateral quadrangle is better known as what?

10) Medicine: What is Lipitor supposed to help with?

Kelsey’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Imagine Dragons 2) Fat 3) Phone 4) Charles Dickens 5) Rectangle 6) Jujitsu 7) $100 8) China and Tibet 9) That’s a weird question 10) Cholesterol

1) Mumford & Sons 2) Egg 3) Watch 4) Charles Dickens 5) Rhombus 6) Capoeira 7) $100 8) China, Nepal 9) Sabermetrics 10) Cholesterol

Kelsey’s Score: 3 out of 10

Recipe for disaster

Bottle Bobbing

Fall French Toast

Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.

The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talking good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.

What You’ll Need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcohol Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.

What You’ll Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Cook Time: 6-8 hours Fatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.

How to Play: - Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water. - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. - Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub. - Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. - Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” - After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl. - Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person. - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.

Let’s Get Baked: - Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. - Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated. - Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat. - Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist. - Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.

The Game Ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…

“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”

download our free app for all the games!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11


The Top 10

Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them) Part Two The final round of awful is here. Last week, we recapped some of the most awful accounts twitter has to offer. Today, we get to the toxic waste dump that is the five worst accounts on twitter. Try not to gag.

Read Part 1 Online at

Theblacksheeponline.com

Dishonorable Mentions:

@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz


5. @NotBillWalton

WORST of the WORST

4. @RealAlexJones

3. @FillWerrell/@ItsWillyFerrell/Any other Will Ferrell-based account

WORST of the WORST

This isn’t even trying to be Bill Walton. Just direct people to who you really are, and no one will care. Or they shouldn’t care, because you’re just a dude. @NotBillWalton is a self-proclaimed parody “artist” and “Sports Illustrated & Mashable’s pick for #1 Sports Parody Feed on Twitter!” And for some reason, the account still manages to garner followers despite the fact that it doesn’t even attempt to parody Bill Walton, even if Bill Walton were someone who deserves parody. The actual Bill Walton isn’t even on national TV anymore, he’s a low-level broadcaster for Pac12 basketball. So why is this account, that had a short flair of popularity a few years ago, still garnering 150 RTs per idiotic thought of the dude who runs it? Because, say it again, class, Twitter is riddled with stupid people.

Alex Jones has a nice little formula to every tweet: conspiracy, guns, Obama, media. Mix them together in some fashion and boom, he eats that attention up like a fat, brace-faced teenager at the prom.

Friendship-ender: Ask them over to watch the NBA. If he or she cannot blurt out even the slightest original thought about the game and instead reads off tweets from this mind-numbing account, slowly stand up, take their phone from their bloated, sweaty fingers, and cram it up their tiny little asshole. Then escort them to the door, and tell them good day.

Friendship-ender: This shouldn’t be just how you decide whether or not to be friends with someone; it should be what humanity uses when we ultimately need to trim the population. Below @RealAlexJones’ tweets will be a simple check box with the question: “Do you agree with this tweet? Does it make sense to you?” Check yes and you’re dropped into a deep pit to rot with the nation’s other psychos. Check yes and you can go on living your life, being the normal, sensible, logical person you are.

@RealAlexJones is just flat out scum of the earth. He drums on and on and on about a bunch of blubbering bullshit buzzwords, mostly directed at President Obama. If not that, it’s about the media, or guns—just lunacy-- and then sits back as his 239-thousand-strong army of fucks retweets the shit out him. YOU THINK OBAMA DON’T WANT RICH PEOPLE WITH GUNS? Obama? Check. Guns? Check. 500 RTs? Check.

WORST of the WORST Ah, the classic social media technique of capitalizing on a tragedy for personal gain. This is one of the most disgusting things to permeate Twitter as far as we’re concerned. You know what? Fuck these accounts. We’re not even dignifying them with a full paragraph. There isn’t anything we can say about these accounts except that Will Ferrell would hate every single human being who follows these. He especially hate the person who runs it. You’ve upset Will Ferrell with your terrible jokes, you fucks. You don’t deserve the air you breathe or the retweets you get. Friendship-ender: We can’t help you here. If your friends are retweeting this, you’re probably stuck in the same cycle they are. Congrats on being braindead!

2. @TedOfficialPage Ted is one of the least-funny movies of all-time. An absolute abomination that combines the impossibly terrible jokes of the last five years of Family Guy with Boston accents and a poorly animated Teddy Bear sounds like the worst thing on earth, but just go watch the whole film and truly understand how the fuck this piece of shit was greenlit. Oh wait, that’s right, because the average moviegoer is stupider than almost any consumer, willing to throw money at this thing because “hahaha fart joke.” This account and things of its nature are the true reason we can’t have nice things. The tweets aren’t relevant to the movie, to any of the humor of the character, to anything. That seems like a blessing in disguise, but when the tweets are all of that same vein of “let’s appeal to 15-year old girls and people who dropped out of community college” to boot, plus some high quality racism and “I’m not like the other girls” mentality make this arguably the worst account to ever grace Twitter. Were it not for our number one, it would hold the crown as the single greatest achievement in making people stupider in our history as a society. Friendship-ender: Hold Seth MacFarlane hostage and make him use his embarrassing fortune to buy all of these handles and turn them into PSA accounts on what the word “Parody” means. Also castrate anyone who uses the phrase “Thunder Buddy.”

It’s such an easy formula: get followers, tweet bullshit. This one is absurd.

1. @MensHumor We could go on for days about how absolutely abhorrent Men’s Humor is in every way possible. It’s a combination of sophomoric bullshit, recycled jokes, and, of course, the omnipresent misogyny. Men’s Humor takes the absolute worst of every account on Twitter and combines it into one verified, vomit-inducing piece of shit. But many accounts do that. What truly makes @MensHumor the worst is that so, so many of the people you know follow it. Go check right now. On our own Twitter accounts, at least 100 of the people we follow are also following @MensHumor, including many famous athletes and celebrities. People we respect and cherish and care about follow this absolutely foul load of cock-sucking shit. If Men’s Humor were an election, it would be Bush’s 2004 campaign: moronic hack that has proven time and time again to be unqualified receives large majority of support by seemingly rational people. I can’t explain it. It’s a phenomenon unlike any other, but just know by following @ MensHumor, you are enabling some slut-shaming dipshit who has turned this into an empire of sewage, with a shop and a tumblr and everything. These people steal tweets, and then claim their content is protected by copyright. The basic machinations of the American legal system go over these people’s heads. What we have here is what you would get if the Chive gave people gonorrhea by visiting its site. Unfollows are the chemo for this cancer on the twitterverse, and only you can stop it. See the joke here is that women are subservient to men and spend their time in the kitchen making food for the man and children in their life. The height of comedy!

Friendship-ender: Murder them in cold blood in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping, hide the body, skip town, change your name, by a farm and live off the land. There is no other solution.


Hankerin’

Movie List:

for the

Hanks

Each box features the handsome Tom Hanks in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?

Big • Castaway • Larry Crowne • Philadelphia • Cloud Atlas The Green Mile • Polar Express • Forrest Gump • Turner and Hooch

Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!


6 degrees of separation

Kendrick Lamar to

Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @BlackSheep_UMN First 3 right answers get a prize!

Check us out today!

15


RESERVE YOUR SPACE EARLY great locations to campus + private bedrooms & bathrooms available + individual leases fully furnished apartments available + fitness center + game room

NOW LEASING FOR

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Minnesota - Issue 7 - 10/16/2013  

Minnesota - Issue 7 - 10/16/2013

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