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The Black Sheep

FR E th E... ou Lik sa e g nd o s o ldy f o go ff ph sp er rin 's g.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 3, Issue 2 9/13/12 - 9/19/12 @blacksheep_umn

1001 Places to Live Around Campus Before You Die

brady canutsun wrote this

Looking for a place to live for the fall. Can you help me out?!? I’m clean. I pay the bills on time. I wouldn’t mind living with guys or girls or both. I’m friendly but can keep to myself if you hate interacting with people or whatever. I’ll help with household chores, but be grudgingly. I’m alright with living with girls. I’d be fine in any type of dwelling a reasonable distance from campus. I’ve been called fun. Girls ok. –Totally not a serial killer. Looking for housing can be fun and easy. It’s looking for a room at the 11th hour that blows chunks. At any rate, if you’re frantically scouring Craigslist postings looking for somebody who’ll take you during this 13th hour (sexual favors are not off the table for a warm place to sleep), you have an idea of what’s available. Here’s a look at the inevitable journey you’re bound to embark on for a place to shit, eat, and sleep. You decided not to live with your significant other. When you’d only been dating for a month, you, or he, or she, (or they) half-drunkenly suggested finding a place together. And if that honeymoon phase could have lasted forever, it would have been a good idea. But now that it’s almost too late, you realize what you always suspected: you should never, under any circumstances ever, live with the person you’re boning. You think you got tired of your family over the summer? Try sharing close quarters with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or fuck buddy and just count how many days it takes before you push each other to the brink. The only possible upside is that the disdain you’ll undoubtedly develop for each other might hasten your inevitable breakup, which is better for everyone involved. Hey, didn’t your messy friends say they had a dirty bedroom open in their filthy apartment? I’m a college student; I can take untidy. But this place is like Chernobyl meets Katrina. Pizza boxes and pieces of broken hookah pipe, what’s next? There are always the ol’ reliable fallback of the residence halls. That is, if you want to live in one of the most expensive accommodations available, for the least value, with a CA hovering around at all times, inviting you to play Frisbee while you’re trying to masturbate in peace, and easy access to the crappiest food, this is the place for you!

why you're not invited to the pregame.

you smell and mooch. come on, get your life together.

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There’s also that house with your best friend’s friends, in the room your friend didn’t take because it was too small and expensive. You don’t really know these people but it’s fun to cause rifts in other people’s relationships. If that’s not an option, then it’s time to bite the bullet and do the unthinkable: depend on the kindness (ordesperation) of strangers. Getting them to email you back is a nightmare in itself, but it doesn’t prepare you for the Parade of Homes from Hell that ensues. No pets and no smoking? Ok. No pets, smoking, parties, staying out late, and no furniture? Yikes. It’s hard to keep your balance on a floor that’s completely caved in. And insulation belongs on the inside of walls. Some places in St. Paul seem nice,

what’s inside

but really? St. Paul? It’s nowhere near classes, booze, or other human life! Finally, you get in contact with someone who responds promptly and informatively. The rent’s low, the parking’s free, and the location’s ok. It seems too good to be true. You text a question about the lease and they answer you quickly and thoroughly. Unfortunately, they also say the room is taken. Oh well. At least you’re not grabbing a piece of cardboard and a sharpie and standing out on 4th street and 10th avenue. Yet.

the top ten ways to get out of an assignment.

to each his own on curing hangovers.

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page 5

always announce anal ailments.

eat some burgers and chug water, it's not rocket science.

contents page 5: the singles guide to back to school

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

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the black sheep takes your dumb, naive relationship questions.

page 6: from the streets what's the funniest thing you've heard out of context?

Table of

page 7: confessions of a campus house pet So this is why they shit on your carpet.

page 10: five people you meet in college and hate instantly. we're all sort of on this list, so we all hate each other, and a little bit of ourselves

page 11: bartender of the week Josh from blarney's wants you to chill out.

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The Top ten

Why You’re Never Invited to the Pre-Game: Football Season Edition UMN staff wrote this

Alliterative Ways to Get Out of a Late Assignment 10) Icky Illness: Shall we begin with a fool proof excuse? Yes, we shall – the so-disgusting-don’t-tell-me-any-moreabout-it excuse! It’s simple and brilliant, a lot like oral sex. This excuse involves a simple text message that says, “I have diarrhea.” Who wants to discuss anything about having diarrhea? Probably demons, but they aren’t humans and therefore do not count, so the answer is no one. 9) Lemon Letter: Remember how it was easy peezy lemon squeezy to get out of, well, any and everything with a sick note in high school? Well, college isn’t that much different. There is a reason why the Gopher Quick Clinic exists, you know. Try a migraine with a side of menstrual cramps – genius!

You’re never actually on the Facebook invite to Kegs and Eggs on 11th and 7th, huh? And you think it’s just a “miss” of the mouse click I take it? Perhaps once or twice, but thrice? Nah, probably not. Below is a compilation of probable reasons why. You mooch: If you are notorious for arriving to the pregame sans-liquor and expect a beer cup fo’ free, then your non-invite is intentional in every sense of the word. Listen honey, college is expensive for everyone. Not only do many of us pay for tuition, rent, and gas, but we, like you, also pay for partying. And by golly liquor isn’t cheap, especially when the drink flow is from sunrise to sunset on our Saturday Gopher games.That being said, your backwash equivalent of Dragonberry Vodka party gift isn’t gonna cut it, darling. We’ve weeded your breed out of the party for a reason. Sayonara! You are a sore loser: It’s no surprise that you aren’t invited to the pre-game because you’re the worst. Nobody gives a tiny rat’s ass about your glory days on the D-III basketball court in high school; you’re shitty at beer pong. Yes, you’re accurate about the circumference of the red party cup being substantially smaller than a hoop – thank you for that stimulating intellectual observation that has absolutely no correlation to your terrible aim! Please quit it with the bullshit excuses and claims of interference, and lower your level of aggression. You’ll probably be invited back after a three game suspension, but know you’re like a rabid dog with a warning sign that reads: Beware of Beast. You have B.O.: Nah, this doesn’t mean you’re team

Obama, it means you smell like sour cheese and wet dog, and the scent is perpetual. I’m talking to you, guy wearing the Super Nintendo tee going on day three with a hunk of grease playing the role of mousse atop his crown. Hey now, that’s pretty gross! Try a 24-hour shower and apply for re-entry to the fun and games next time. You don’t actually have friends there: “She doesn’t even go here!” Name that movie – okay, I’ll do it: Mean Girls. You’re the girl spouting shit about “rainbows and butterflies” who, well, doesn’t even go to the school. You’re probably Charlie’s friend from Bloomington who is just crashing on his couch, eating his food and assuming role as the ultimate squatter. No one really knows who you are, nor do they really care. Let me feed you this one: When you leave the room the majority of people at the pre-game ask Charlie who the fuck is “the weird guy hitting on everyone’s girlfriend? ” – that’s you! You weren’t invited and probably never will be. Sorry, but it’s a truth bomb that you’ve got to be aware of. You make weird existential comments: Nobody cares if there is a parallel universe doing the exact same activities as we’re doing right now. And I’m not concerned with what Horkheimer or Adorno would make of the media’s influence on us throwing a kegger. I’m concerned with my boys Jose, Jim and Jack, and how each one of them is about to have a profound influence on my B.A.C.. Bye! There you have it, no more late nights pondering why you weren’t on the invite-only list. Place yourself in one or more of the above categories and work on altering your unappealing behavior to join the sea of boozers next Saturday. Good luck!

8) Printing Predicament: We’ll add one more ‘p’ to this header, and that’s panic. More specifically, panic as in attack: panic attack. Have one. Arrive to class in the final minutes of the hour covered in heavy breathing and anxious brows. Visible anxiety makes most humans clearly uncomfortable—which is a fact according to TLC, or something—therefore, your professor will ultimately just want you to go away without awakening any more of the beast inside you, and offer you the,“Just email it to me when you get a chance,”option. Boom – you’ve got another day to finish ‘er up. 7) Lackadaisical Laptop: Memorize a handful of intimidating technology words to throw out the excuse of,“blah, blah, hard drive, blah motherboard, blah, blah Apple rules most of the time, blah, crash, blah comes back from Steve himself on Tuesday.” Technological imperfections are universally known and have a blind eye turned to them. Your due date is now Tuesday. 6) Flight Fuck-up: Hey, if your flight was delayed due to tumultuous weather conditions, your assignment is also delayed due to tumultuous weather conditions. Besides, Haiti has spotty wifi in their airport anyway. 5) Awry Attachment: AA requires two masterfully crafted emails sent with precise adherence to the time of sending. The first must be sent within at least one hour before the time it’s due. This makes it appear as if you had the assignment completed with time to spare; it’s all about appearance. Compose a short sentence like,“attached you’ll find…” but the zinger is to “forget” to attach it! The TA or professor will undoubtedly alert you of the issue and wait patiently for your emailed response with the correct attachment. Take your time to respond and complete the assignment because not everyone has access to email 24/7. Craft an overtly apologetic response, and you are so mint, Colgate can’t even handle it. 4) Family Funk: Sometimes your grandmother has to go into surgery, and you have got to be there. It doesn’t matter if the surgery is to remove the two-year-old bunion from her big toe or to have her tubes tied; surgery is surgery.Swipe the family emergency card on this transaction, and add some tears for more dramatic effect. 3) Internship Impromptu: Professors adore over-achievers so much it hurts to even think about. You having to “cover for one of your managers at the last minute” will make your professor proud, maybe even hard. You’ll probably receive full points on the late assignment and extra credit, too. Oh and that stiffy you gave the professor? He totally used it on a desperate TA. 2) Mental Meltdown: An excuse similar to number three works nicely coupled with these words: “I’M HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND NEED AN EXTRA DAY, PLEASE!” Stress is no stranger to intellectuals; they are acquaintances. However, don’t forget the "please" because politeness is key, folks. 1) BJ?: I, well, think the two letters do the talking, eh? They don’t stand for butter and jam, people.

katrina nicholson wrotethis this UMN staff wrote

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Singles’ Guide to Back to School

UMN staff wrote this

If I ran a dating advice column, I think it may go a little something like this… Hey all you lovers out there, welcome back! As always, I’ve been pouring over your countless coitus queries and I’ve handpicked some of the most asinine to reply to today. I get questions like this first one all the time. When considering dating someone from high school in college, there are a lot of ups and downs to be thoroughly thought through. Read on: Q: Should I stay with my girlfriend from high school? We’re like, in love. OR This sweet guy who I graduated from high school with last year and I have been catching up since fall semester started. I think he wants to date me. Should I go for it? Haha. A: No. Q: When I moved into Middlebrook this year, this super cute Indian-American Freshman who lives across the hall came and introduced herself to me. She totally shook my hand and everything. And then later, she asked what I was doing in a way that seemed like she wanted to hang out. Is she into me? A: Who cares? It sounds like all you see is an opportunity to get some sweet exotic tail. And everyone deserves that at least once. Plus, she’s got the whole young blood thing going on. If I were you, I’d put into place a plan to bang her within, say, three weeks. Start by asking her out, Einstein. Now, with the fact that she lives across the hall, you've got some possible pros and cons. On the upside, that’s a short walk of shame for her the

morning after you finally seal the deal (high five!). On the other hand, you’ve got a school year of awkward encounters ahead of you once you’re done with her—unless you want to start a serious thing. My advice is to not do that. Q: I’ve been into this guy since freshman year and now he’s finally single. He’s mysterious and shy and seems like he has MUCH less experience than I do. We might even be talking V-card. Anyway, we’ve been hanging out as friends, and then he spends the night and we spoon. I get drunk at parties while he stays in studying and he seems a little put off by me texting about how much I love sex and when I send him tasteful pics of me in my bra and panties. I tell ya, he’s a tough nut to crack. I see a really fulfilling relationship ahead of us. Am I just crazy? A: Yes, but only because of the mixed signals you’re throwing at this guy left and right! Do you want to be friends or fuck buddies? Do you want to date casually or start a relationship? Help an inexperienced brother out! If you want something physical, you may just have to ask. “[Guy’s name], I’ve kind of known you for a year or whatever, and it’s been one of the best times of my life, but not because of you, but you were there. Well not there, but I knew you. Kind of. What I’m saying is, [Guy’s name], would you do me the honor of fucking me?” Or you could, you know, just make the first move yourself? So there you have it, kiddies. I’ve laughed at another round of your dumb questions and offered any advice I may have had. Until next time, keep on truckin’ (and other things that rhyme with “pluckin"!

to each his own on curing hangovers Michael mcsherry wrote this All the beer is gone and the phalluses drawn on your passed-out friend’s forehead are old news. You’ve got a foul taste in your mouth, the product of so many cheap beers and drunken munchies. You stare at the ceiling of your room for a moment, suspended in the bliss of just waking, when it hits you. The hangover. Not just a hangover, you’ve had those before and dealt with them just fine. No, this is THE Hangover, the one that leaves you weak-kneed, making offerings to the porcelain god all morning. You swear that you will never drink (that much) again (this week). That’s quitter talk. You don’t want to be a quitter, do you? So what is there to do about that hangover of yours? Common sense might dictate that prevention is easier than treatment, but hey, somewhere between your third and tenth beer, common sense took the backseat. The only thing left to do is rebuild. Everybody and their mother seem to have what they’d call the best home remedy to cure your hangover, and here are three of the most common suggestions. The Jock’s Approach: Sweat it out, Bro! Beefheads love solving problems with their muscles. Why should a hangover be any different? Just man up and kick that hangover’s ass, right? Not exactly. Sweating profusely from exercise doesn’t mean that gallon of whiskey (and that one Smirnoff Ice you drank— hey, we’re not judging) is being purged. You might be ag-

gravating the problem further by depriving your body of the sweet, sweet hydration it desperately needs. The endorphin rush from exercise might make you feel better for a short time, but unless you hydrate, you’re only delyaing that ass pounding your head is taking. Baby yourself by mainlining some Pedialyte pronto. The Glutton’s Approach: You’re so hungover that you just want to curl up and die? Why not chase that hangover with some greasy fast food, which, under any other circumstance, is enough to produce the same symptoms as dysentery. That’s how people died in Oregon Trail, they shit themselves to death after getting the Whopper at Ft. Burger King. A lot of people swear that greasy food is the best thing for a hangover. There’s a little bit of truth to this. Fast food is high in both salt and carbohydrates, which helps your body retain water and convert sugars for energy. After repeatedly telling McDonald’s this several times, they still refuse to keep their breakfast menu up until 3p.m. The Camel’s Approach: You’ve probably heard the expression “hair of the dog that bit you. ”The logic here goes something like this,“I drank too much… I’d better drink some more.” See any problems here? While continuing drinking may alleviate

the headache and make you “feel better”, you aren’t doing yourself any favors. This is alcoholic procrastination, your body then must deal with processing even more alcohol, just postponing your hangover symptoms. Leave The Camel’s Approach to the more seasoned problem drinkers like your dad, he deserves it for putting up with mom, or so he tells himself. When next Friday arrives and the whole vicious cycle starts again, just remember there’s no sure-fire cure for your hangover. Have an aspirin, hydrate regularly, and get some substance in your stomach. Then regurgitate all this and try again. Drink smarter, not harder.

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

What’s the Funniest Thing You’ve Heard Out of Context A big group of freshmen girls were passing by me and one girl’s voice was louder than the rest, and she said, “You know, I probably don’t believe in vampires… but I think I believe in ghosts…” - Laura C., Math Major, Senior

I was walking along and I heard some girl say, “So all I do is lick it, stick it, then put it in?” It wasn’t until I passed by her that I realized she was asking her friend about postage for her mail. - Noah C., Psych Majo, Senior

During move-in, I heard some kid say, “Threw some stale bread for the birds. It’s like watching tiny velociraptors, only with feathers and beaks.” - Brian T., Psych Major, Sophomore

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Confessions of a Campus House Pet kitty kat wrote this I’ve always been your typical fat cat who enjoys naps near an open window and tossing my felt mouse from paw to paw. I’m not one for snuggling or purring against the ear. I’m a lush for catnip and a good roll in kitty litter, but other than that, I’m not the friendliest pussy around. Regardless, my owner Hillary hasn’t gone one day without planting a sickening kiss on top of my head or hugging me into oblivion before bed. That’s why I almost gagged on a hair ball the day that she brought me off to college with her for her sophomore year. Between her homework and part-time job at Brothers, she barely had time to keep my milk bowl full. Bitch. So I was surprised when she brought somebody new home: an ugly, furry bunny. That hideous thing had beady, red eyes, and it couldn’t aim its piss to save its life. One day I was lounging and watching a stoned Hillary force-feed that fuzzy asshole some crisp baby carrots. Within seconds, it started choking until it eventually flopped over and remained motionless. Hillary looked sad for a few minutes, but then scooped up the body, tossed it in an empty plastic bag, and brought it out to the dumpster. A few days later Hillary bought a squirrely little hamster. It lasted for a week or so until one night when Hillary came home from the bars with a half empty beer bottle. She didn’t know it, but I saw exactly what that sneaky girl did.

With an evil glint in her eye, she emptied the remains of the bottle right into the hamster’s dish and coaxed him to take a drink. After a few minutes, the pathetic thing swayed right to left and collapsed. This time there was no mourning; Hillary picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the trash. I started to grow concerned. Were these just careless accidents or something more? Was an intoxicated college student really capable of taking care of another being, when she really couldn’t take care of herself? I found myself growing restless and anxious when I was alone in the apartment with her. I flinched at any noise I heard, and flickers of light across the wall sent me flying. Just the sight of Hillary caused my fur to rise. Was she coming for me next? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Hillary brought home a puppy. Normally I hate those damn yappy things, but I felt bad because I knew what was coming. Hillary hosted a party, and the place was wall-to-wall with people. The dog was annoying, humping random legs and licking people’s toes. Hillary shut him up in the bedroom with me and threw a plastic cup at him for a toy. Within minutes the dog had ripped it apart and swallowed every last inch of plastic. A few gags, a whimper, then nothing. I sat frozen on the bed, terrified. Later, when Hillary found

his body, she just kicked it out of the way, under her bed. After Hillary passed out I snuck under the bed to give the puppy a proper burial. The puppy was still alive, but was bleeding profusely from his mouth and anus caused by internal lacerations from the jagged pieces of Solo cup. I asked him if he had trouble breathing because of the blood coming from his mouth. He said he wasn’t actually bleeding from the mouth, but had earlier attempted to eat his anus blood, mistaking it for runny diarrhea. At this point I remembered why I hated dogs so much. However, what he said next will remain with me until the day I die. He said, “I just don’t understand why college students buy animals that they are only going to neglect. Don’t they realize that they are assholes? Total assholes?” and then closed his eyes.

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5 People You Meet in College and Hate Instantly Katrina Nicholson wrote this Socially, we are in the midst of a terrifying time. We exit the small pond of high school and enter the creepily large cesspool that is college. By choosing to enter this cesspool we waive our right to avoid interaction with some of the people we'd normally be able to dodge. However, freshmen, you can arm yourself by being aware of the five types of people you’ll find here before sitting next to them in the lecture hall or sharing a seat with them on the bus. Maybe you won't need to fake malaria and run in the other direction. The Study Buddy: This person just desperately wants to be your friend. Unfortunately, they are socially awkward to the point of no return. Their method for nudging their way into a forced friendship is coordinating study dates with unsuspecting laggards. This person will disguise their strange quirks and nasal issues by remaining as silent as possible. Most of the time you will agree to a study date because you see no harm. Well there is harm. This kid will latch onto you like a giant squid would the mask of a scuba diver. Then they’ll leach every ounce of patience and dignity from your poor trembling body. But in all honesty they will probably just sit there and stare at you while you attempt non-geeky conversation. Getting you to hang out with them was step 1, they have no step 2; because after that, it’s over. They belong to you. Young Entrepreneur: This is the kid who is currently majoring in something like business, finance or marketing. He's headed into the school of management and he thinks he’s hot stuff. He'll check his stock ticker on a 10-minute basis, making notes of his growing 10-dollar investments, and every once in a while making comments about how he “totally was going to invest in Apple back in ‘97 but was too young to put his foot down.” This kid is convinced that he belongs on the

Fortune 500 and will make sure everyone knows it. He insists upon wearing his suit to class every day, because he, “doesn't feel comfortable any other way.” Unless you want ill-advised financial advice, steer clear of this guy. He's a mega-douche, and he's the only person who doesn't know it. Stinky Activist: This guy doesn't even need a home. He'd rather be homeless if it helps his cause. He'll run around the quad yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO END WORLD HUNGER?” He'll constantly guilt trip you for your daily decisions, “Do you know, just by eating that burger you are increasing your carbon footprint tenfold?” While he leans over to tell you this, you'll catch a whiff of his unwashed mop of hair that has saved the earth 36 gallons of water. It will smell worse than the shit your dog left on the back porch of your house on a hot summer day. The best way to deter these people is to slit the throat of a baby pig in front of their environmental club. But seriously, if you did that they'd probably leave you alone. Fake International Student: You may catch this person casually speaking French as they order food at a Mexican restaurant. Oh, are they from France? Oh, no. They just studied there for a semester. This kid got back from their abroad trip, realized how “shitty American culture is” and how “ashamed he is of being American.” So their solution is to just convert themselves to the culture of their former host country. Well guess what kids? This doesn't work. You are American. Hell, you probably don't even speak French correctly. People like this are almost more embarrassing than our ignorant, overweight, stereotypical Americans. If you do decide to befriend these people, all you will ever hear about is their trip abroad, and how much better EVERYTHING is in France, and how

badly they want to go back, and how they're even considering doing ANOTHER semester there. Yeah okay, go back. We don't want you here. The Biddy: This is the girl you see in the middle of winter, wearing a short skirt and 6-inch heels. She's already vomited into her small handbag three times and is still determined to make it to that frat house. If you're a male you may enjoy her, because if this girl sees you on the streets she may try to seduce you regardless of your looks. The reason this girl is hated instantly is NOT because she parties. It is because she cannot function in everyday life. The only topics of conversation that interest her are: her North Face jacket, her Victoria's Secret yoga pants, and her Starbucks latte. If you really want to push boundaries she might talk a bit about her favorite Zumba move. But seriously, this is the girl who spends all of lecture on her laptop pinning things on Pinterest and giggling at pictures of puppies and kittens in baskets. If you need someone to get wasted with every weekend, you may choose her. But she will vomit on your face. Now that you know what to look for in your future classmates, you may be able to run and hide before they attack. If any of these descriptions sound like you... then you may want to reconsider your life decisions and do a personality reconstruction. Because chances are you're pissing the rest of us off by continuing to think you're the shit.

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week josh blarney's Age: 23

Favorite musician: Chris Body

Bar: Blarney’s

Favorite bar: Blarney’s!

Major: working toward a master’s of liberal studies and legal theory.

Three wishes: That everyone would think more, love more, and laugh more.

Favorite drink: Rusty Nail

Worst thing overheard in the bar: “Blarney’s servers are hotter than the ones at the Library!”

Pet peeve: When students come barging into the bar demanding a drink right away; chill out. Hangover cure: I don’t actually drink.

Create a holiday: Blarney’s day, every Labor Day before school starts

Favorite quote: “Life’s a stage.” –Shakespeare

the drinking game


Recipe for Disaster

Nutter Butter French Toast

Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with blacking out that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.

Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!” Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.

What You’ll Need: Beer and beer only. Number of Players: Four or more. Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.

What You’ll Need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. Cook Time: As long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!

How to Play: - Grab some beers and sit around a table. - Choose a broad category (like U.S. states, colors, Adam Sandler movies, etc.). - Going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category (for example, if “Adam Sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison). - If a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - If a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person who originally said the answer. - Once someone messes up, switch to a new category. The Game Ends When: The beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. We’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Let’s Get Baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - Spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - Cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - Put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - Melt butter into a frying pan. - Dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - Place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.

Hungry for More?

As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan

5-Hour Energy

Miller Lite

Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is! Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.

Got that been-drinking-for-3-daysstraight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.

You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.

Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*

AXE Body Spray

Taco Bell

Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?

Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.

Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.

Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finely-ground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterolladen bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.

So listen up faggot, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky. The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and

head to your nearest department store. Park in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just…just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.

“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble

So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy! *In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.

to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthfucking your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.

the interview

fitz & the tantrums

Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, Pickin’ up the Pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? Noelle Scaggs: Michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the Chains of Love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this Motown style. He called up John Wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first EP, Songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. So I went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and Michael’s voice jelled really well together. It felt like we had been performing for a long time. The beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. You’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. And everything with the band kept falling into place. We just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. We had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with Hepcat and Flogging Molly, then came touring with Maroon 5. It was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. Noelle: On the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. The guys will send a track and Michael and I will build from them; I’ll create the lyrics and sometimes I’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. It’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. I’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to Michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. It’s a very collaborative effort. With Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of Michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. When I came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. You get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [Michael and I] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? Noelle: I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. In my former band I was the only woman as well, and I was the front woman, so I’ve gotten used to it. You do have those times where you miss having a woman around. Thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like I’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. We’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. They’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? Noelle: I really enjoyed working with He’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “I want you do that.” He’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. You just try things and have fun with it. I’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like I could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “Go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? Noelle: Slippery Elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that Michael and I drink in a tea, especially during cold season. I always, always, always have my watch. I don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why I bought the watch, so I know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? Noelle: From the music stand point, Thom Yorke. Also, maybe Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18 Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."

liberal arts - in theaters out september 14 Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!! SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m. Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!

the photo hunt

there are ten differences in these two lecture hall photos. can you find the differences?

the classtime

totally tailgating Across

4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig. 8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually. 9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here. 12) Basically bags. 15) The OG drinking game. 17) The act of making extremely delicious things. 19) Throwing bolas. 20) A bro’s tailgating uniform. 21) A handstand with help.

6) Pairs nicely with chips. 7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it. 10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly. 13) One shot of beer every 60 seconds.

14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating. 16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.


1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game. 2) Ladies will dawn these with their school’s logo. 3) Fat-free, but not booze free. 4) With beans, or without. 5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats... bacon...





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Minnesota Fall Issue 2 - 9/13/12  
Minnesota Fall Issue 2 - 9/13/12  

Minnesota Fall Issue 2 - 9/13/12