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The Black Sheep

dr FR un EE ke ... l n ho ike t ok ha up t s lef tain ti n you yo r ur be d.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 8, Issue 7 • 2/20/13 - 2/27/13

theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep

the real msu social norms alex everard wrote this

Hey there, are you a rational college student who enjoys statistical data in the form of knowledge? We’ll bet you are! We also bet you’ve seen those “MSU Social Norms” posters around campus. Maybe you saw one in your favorite late-night, drunchie joint, maybe you saw it on the bulletin boards your obsessivecompulsive RA creates, or maybe you saw one posted in the dorms as you snuck out of your freshman “cuddle” buddy’s room this morning. Either way, you probably noticed those cute, little cartoon ducks and read the poster. If so, hopefully you immediately realized that, like all adorable, animated ducklings, these are simply a distraction designed to draw attention away from facts and truth. Further, these “social norms” are merely just skewed, poorly-collected data that may draw one to conclude that this campus isn’t actually the number one party school in the Big Ten, that the weekend doesn’t begin on Wednesday after your last class, and that couches aren’t burned regularly and for sport. Well, thankfully, here at The Black Sheep, we produce real journalism and have gathered some “social norms” of our own! Here they are, in no statistically-important order: Don’t Be the Mixed-Up Duck: Did you know 80% of Michigan State students who admit to binge drinking several different types of alcohol in one night do so only after they’ve already chugged enough beer to not give a flying fuck? Keep Your Friends Close But Your Duck-Buddies Closer: Were you aware of the 99.9% of Michigan State students who admit to being sexually active, only 70% of them drunk-sext a bang-buddy once a weekend? The remaining percent delete the texts before they wake up, so they technically never existed. (Noteworthy: Only 5% of students who actively booty-text admitted to using the alternative, porn spelling of “come,” suggesting that MSU students still know how to keep a late-night trip to Pleasure Town mildly classy.) Don’t Be The Party Fowl: In a recent survey of ten Michigan State students, eight of them admitted to puking on someone else’s furniture within the last two weeks. However, seven of the eight properly disposed of this furniture by dousing it with potent alcohol or gasoline and burning it in the street. Birds of a Feather Flock Together: Fun fact: When heading out for the night, 70% of Michigan State students adhere to the rule of a proper “poon-to-peen” ratio to assure the party they attend will be bro-squad free. The remaining 30% are giant groups of bros who perpetually yell, “Let’s get weird,” and quote Entourage.

The Pros of Blood Diamonds

Honor the Code: Statistically speaking, only 10% of Michigan State students who engage in sexual actions that are interrupted, unfinished, or otherwise incomplete, fail to follow the “go down when the sun comes up” rule of orally pleasing your partner the next morning after an alcohol-induced “failure to finish.” 100% of this 10% is currently on a cold-streak. Spread Your Wings: In a recent poll of approximately 17 Michigan State students, 70% of them stated that they are either “extremely supportive” or “pretty much down” with experimenting with new drugs, new ingestion methods, and taking mystery prescription pills they found. Further, 80% said they were “totally cool beans” with letting their roommate test out a new drug first. Don’t Quack-Out: Data indicates that Michigan State students are greatly opposed to dropping out of college—95% of MSU

what'’s inside

students said they would never leave East Lansing early, even if their degree put them in immense debt and took more than five years to complete. 5% of students said, “Yeah, I actually just dropped out.” No One Likes a Copy-Duck: Studies show that Michigan State students rarely let other students copy their work unless they are given monetary compensation in exchange. Said 79% of students, “No free rides, either give me six Adderall, five bucks, or half an artisan handjob in exchange.” So there you have it, the Real MSU Social Norms. Just like any prestigious journalistic institution, we used the smallest of sample sizes and completely fabricated virtually every aspect of our data. For more information on how we obtained these statistics, go to FoxNews.com, or ask any other animated Scrooge McDuck.

Spartans Will

That's a Deal Breaker

Diamonds are forever, but the guilt of buying a blood diamond can be relieved pretty quick!

Yeah, we’re not good at taking no for an answer.

The resident Liz Lemon of TBS steps up.

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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Egocentrick:

A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular. “When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”

Meet The Staff

campus manager Justin Gawel

Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert, Daniela Pittiglio Nicole Maks, Danan Thomas, Andrew Rickerman Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rassmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Thomas Stewart distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen social media manager Alex Everard

pR Team Crysta Harper, Adelaine Lazzell Kelsey Roseman, Jordan Sweat

photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900

Disclaimer

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink... responsibly and legally.

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olin student health center: a sample application Zoë Kremke wrote this Hello, and thank you for applying to work at Michigan State University’s Olin Student Health Center. We appreciate you taking the time to answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Do you communicate well with college age individuals? No, not particularly. I find college students to be a nuisance, and, if at all possible, I would rather not make eye contact with them. When working on a college campus, delicate health issues are a common concern amongst students. How would you handle informing a student about a delicate health situation, such as a sexually transmitted disease? I don’t see why being sensitive is necessary. After all, they’re adults so they should be able to take responsibility for their vile, disgusting, unprotected actions outside of the classroom or the workplace. If they want to pussyfoot around the situation at hand that’s their idiotic decision, but I won’t be burdened with the responsibility of coddling them. I believe that delivering hard, fast, unadulterated facts is the way to go. I might even go so far as to dramatize the situation and make them feel extra shitty about themselves and their life decisions. For instance, if they have strep, I might tell them they’re HIV positive to watch ‘em squirm as they re-evaluate their life. Students here at Michigan State rely on Olin’s health professionals to give them sound guidance in the absence of their parents or a family practitioner that they’re comfortable with. In what way would you provide the guidance and support they need? I suppose by embodying the role of their judgmental parents; that seems like the best way to support them as they attempt to take on life as an adult. After all, if they don’t use protection EVERY time during sex, having sex with multiple orifices, or if they are, in fact, sleeping with multiple men, multiple women, OR multiples of both, somebody needs to give them the disapproving stare down. Who better to do so than a professional in a position of trust?

alcohol will cause imminent death is extremely low. I didn’t have my first drink until I was twenty-two. Why? Because I just wanted to be sure, that’s why. In a college environment, doctor-patient confidentiality is crucial. Will you abide by the doctorpatient confidentiality agreement? Have you heard the shit that some of these kids are coming in with? It’s too good to keep quiet about. This one time, a student came in with a flashlight so far up his ass I could see the light shine through his throat, and you can take that story straight to the bank (or, in my case, Internet message boards and chat rooms).

Do you have a medical degree? That depends on your definitions of the words “medical” and “degree.” But not a formal one, no, not at all.

Do you actually want to work here? Abso-fucking-lutely not. If I don’t get the job I’ll just go back to scribbling my name on One Direction posters and selling them as “autographed memorabilia” on eBay.

Students at Michigan State University often identify with the “partying” lifestyle. As a professional, would you be able to take that into account when prescribing medications, or giving medical advice? As a medical professional, I see it as my duty to take the law into account. If I’m dealing with a patient who is under twenty-one, the likelihood that I’m going to inform them that taking their medication with

Again, we thank you for taking the time for filling out this application. Based on our hiring criteria, we don’t really need to read your answers to inform you that you will be hired to our staff within the next week. We look forward to adding you to our team of pseudo-doctors and quasi-nurses dedicated to, kind of, maybe, but not really helping students sometimes!

The Pros of Blood Diamonds

Hannah Borland wrote this

So you think she’s the one, huh? The one that’s going to love you forever, despite your lack of ambition, money, and the several blonde “mistakes” you’ve made after four years at MSU? The one who is going to cherish every Saturday night spent watching Barter Kings together and fighting over who had to do the dishes? The one who will always encourage you do the few things you really do love, even if those things are fetish porn, gravy, and artisan handjobs? You’re probably wrong. But here at The Black Sheep, we aren’t interested in talking you out of the second biggest mistake of your life. We’re here to help you pick out a ring like we’re your own personal slightly-more-flamboyant-and-even-moredelightfully-sassy Queer Eye for the Straight Guy posse. After that, we’ll talk you out of the actual biggest mistake of your life— your decision to care about human rights.

finance warlords who often discourage democratic voting by chopping off the hands of innocent civilians. Are we having fun yet? First of all, they’re much cheaper than any diamond not subsidized with the tears of families that have been torn apart by the violent and greedy actions of a few random guys they’ve never met. That’s great news for you, since your job at Panchero’s barely pays for the rent, let alone a fancy ring that only tells other guys that your girl is currently only allowed to think about blowing them. It’s not like you’re ever going to be able to talk her into something less Kardashian, because then everyone will think she’s selling the milk for a deeply reduced price. They might even think she’ll put out after just one “Two for $20” deal at Applebee’s.

That’s right, politically-correct-but-still-apathetic one. Diamond engagement rings are expensive, and us girls are still too shallow to realize that spending two months’ salary on a piece of jewelry is about as smart of a life choice as spending two months’ salary on a robot hooker (actually, you would get more practical use out of a robo-whore). But you have to get her a diamond, otherwise you’re “not really engaged, sweetie,” so why not a blood diamond?

Secondly, are war zones really that bad? Our research tells us that, on average, they’re on the same level as Lord Licorice’s castle in the beloved and intellectually challenging board game Candyland. That is to say, they’re intimidating and may scare small children, but are also secretly delicious. Think about it: if war zones are really that bad, why are there so many of them, and why are children drawn to them? It must be because they are actually a twisted and tasty strawberryflavored treat.

Popularized by Leonardo DiCaprio in 2006, blood diamonds are Africa’s answer to ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, the Holocaust, and every movie starring Kristen Stewart (we get to choose our problems in the first world—otherwise we wouldn’t be the first world, idiot). Yes, these are diamonds specifically mined in dangerous war zones, often by slave labor, which

Next, who are you to decide if a warlord is right or wrong? They have their reasons for what they’re doing. Isn’t it just a little presumptuous of you to assume that you know what’s best for a place that you’ve never been and probably never will go? Right. It’s only fair that you attempt to be as unbiased as possible by spending your money in such a way that you have

no idea who or what it is funding. You never can, and never will hold warlords down. After all, we all love Braveheart. Would you want to quash the next William Wallace by declining him funding because you think he’s corrupt? Didn’t think so. Nothing says, “I love you, but I’m not turning off the game for you” like a blood diamond. Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve heard you can get certified blood diamonds these days, and they’re often deeply discounted. By buying a certified blood diamond, you’ll ensure that at least four children, two adults, and seven to eight elephants lost various body parts in the mining process. Come on, buddy. Isn’t your girl worth it? She definitely isn’t worth the $4,000 and lifetime of missing Monday Night Football that a regular engagement ring costs.


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Bars to Poop In

To poo, or not too poo? Ye, tis question that springs to mind when you’re at the bar and you realize you’ve got a chocolate log-bullet departing your chuckle hole in ten minutes sharp. Fear not, as a frequenter of East Lansing’s bar bathrooms, I fancy myself a connoiss-poo-er of these less charted, though sometimes shart-ed in, territories. For this, my friends, is Justin Gawel’s Pooping in Bars with Boys. 10.) Dublin: It’s well lit, it’s clean, and it has a TV—yes, this bathroom experience sorely lacks adventure. It’s like ordering vanilla ice cream when there are thirty-one other flavors. Yeah, it’ll get the job done, but you’re not going to get a fun story from it. 9.) Buffalo Wild Wings: When one lacks bravery to drop their pants, squat down, and pinch off a fresh loaf of dumper-nickle bread outside in a bush, on a bus, or in other East Lansing bars they inevitably come to B-Dubs—nothing to brag about here, gents. 8.) Peanut Barrel: For the spelunker in all of us, there’s this lone stall that is essentially a literal man-cave intended for poopin’. It’s damp, it’s dark, and it’s cool as shit to shit here! 7.) Beggars Banquet: Defecating here is like taking a trip through history! The fixtures, tile, and rust stains aren’t old—they’re classic, vintage, and remind of a time after the Civil Rights movement when blacks and whites could finally poop next to one another in harmony.

Spartans Will

Cody Manthei wrote this

Cue music. Begin panning right. Lights. Camera. Action! On the banks of the Red Cedar, there is a school that’s known to all. And have you ever wondered what goes on, from classroom to classroom, from sports complexes to the library? When you need somebody to help you study through the night, against all odds to pass that final the next morning—Spartans Will. When you’re having trouble finding your way to Berkey Hall because you’re a dumb little freshman—Spartans Will help you and/or tell you to go the opposite direction. When there’s no hope left and only thirty seconds left in the game and you need the student section to continue chanting profanities—Spartans Will. Our colors run deep in our blood, and we show them with pride each and every tailgate, rain or shine. You know why? Because fucking Spartans Will. We’re such passionate fans that we’ll beat up a dad in front of his kids and foster son he loves slightly less for wearing a U of M jersey in this town, because that little bitch didn’t know that, yeah, you guessed it, Spartans Will. It’s a Tuesday night and you need someone to drink with you even though it means you probably won’t make it to our 9:10 the next day, Goddammit—Spartans Will. You need someone to find you blow at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday? Well, we got a guy, well, because, yeah, Spartans Will. When you get kicked out of Rick’s for being

too drunk, and you just go around the corner to Harper’s, you stumble on because Spartans Will. Get kicked out of there too? Thought you might, but don’t worry, there’s a house party right around the corner. You pay extra for another keg to keep drinking because Spartans Will. Next time you find yourself deep in shit with those rowdy organized crime dudes and you need to hire a counter-assassin squad to save your ass—Spartans Will. Your heroin addict neighbor just busted down your door and is threatening to cut your dick off? Well, slap his overly-wrinkled face and let him know there won’t be any dong chopping tonight, because Spartans Will. Lou Anna K. keeps hitting you up at two in the morning because you’re her “bottom bitch,” well if you want to keep that GPA up, Spartans Will answer that call, and answer it with passion, dammit.

6.) Harper’s: Always go for the back, handi-capable stall. Why, you ask? Obviously, when you can spread out, take in the moment, and just allow your doody eruption to organically “happen” it makes for a much more thorough, enjoyable experience with an ambiance that you’d have difficulties recreating in a tiny stall. 5.) The Landshark: A sportsman’s dream—the feng shui of this bathroom’s design is contoured to allow you to shoot twosies of trashcan basketball while your dropping twosies out of your stank ridge into these “shark bowls.” 4.) Crunchy’s: The best of both worlds—a massive stall that can be utilized to stretch out the rest of your body before you stretch out your b-hole, or can be employed to provide space to comfortably partake in a no-strings-attached blumpkin-sesh, a poo pyramid, or just an ever-so-casual circle of strangers blowing coke off a mirror. 3.) PT O’Malley’s: Separated by only a wall that splits the bathroom only part of the way, this feces hole is for the social butterfly who doesn’t want to close himself off from the conversation just because he has to let a poonami loose. 2.) Rick’s: Simply a utilitarian’s paradise: a seat-less throne and some scattered paper atop a stainless steel floor that is hosed down each night. Once completed, this experience becomes all glory, plus the epic story.

“I’m bored. Let’s do a bunch of LSD and go to MSU’s lovely planetarium for one of their free shows.” You best believe Spartans Will. Burn a couch? Spartans Will. Burn a couch with a dead hooker on top? Spartans definitely Will. Be the one who bought enough coke from that street magician to make said hooker overdose? Oh yeah, Spartans Will. Truth be told, Spartans Will do anything that makes their buzz last a little bit longer. We’re a fierce crowd, but when you’re one of us, our bond holds strong. It doesn’t matter if you’re studying to be a doctor, farmer, actor, or even one of those RCAH weirdos—Spartans Will. So crack a beer, light that joint, and fuckin’ chill out, because this is going to be a long-ass ride.

1.) The Riv: We all have a little bit of exhibitionism in us, so why not embrace it and Operation Dumbo Drop off that booty butter in one of these door-less stalls with the world watching? Besides, everyone knows if you want privacy it’s as easy grunting excessively and talking to yourself in the third person! Believe me, most people won’t watch that because they know they can’t un-watch that.

Justin Gawel wrote this


From the Streets

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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What overused phrase should be deleted from everyday use? “Turnt UP.” - Alicia H., Junior

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The Penis Apologies:

A Companion Piece to the Vagina Monologues Meg Enter wrote this

The penis—the pole, the cock, the Magic Johnson—by any other name would spray as sweet. If there’s one thing this joystick has going for itself, it’s respecting women since the dawn of penis-kind. Now, since The Black Sheep believes in the goodness that is the penis, and has never been above a good dick quip, we’ve called in some infamous duders well known for crimes against cooter-kind to issue a formal penis apology and, hopefully, redeem themselves. Charlie Sheen: actor, drug lord, self-proclaimed juggalo: I, Carlos Irwin Estévez, better known as Charlie Sheen i.e. the world’s greatest actor, would like to tell all you ladies about the little penis that could. Since the other testicle dropped, I’ve had a four-inch penis, and, alas, most women just don’t like it that wide. I am the face of adversity and a debilitating disease known as chode-itis. I’ve turned to massive drug binges, hashtags, and running with a terrifying gang known as the Insane Clown Posse to cope with my condition. But, I can assure you, ladies, I’m on the road to recovery. I’m respecting women daily and I’m even dating again, although, currently, it’s mostly sets of adult film actresses in the first step to becoming more relatable and working on my sensitivity towards real, wholesome women. So from me to you—less misogyny, more mammary. Chris Brown: R&B artist, sexually confused man, guilty of more hits that don’t top the charts than do: Now, ladies, I know what you’re thinking: I just a little rude boy who like to beat up my girlfriend, Rihanna. Let me set the record straight—one time she may have fell into my clenched fist that I was swinging, but, as I’ve stated in several interviews I, Christopher Maurice Brown, am not a violent person. More importantly, I am not a sexist. If I were someone who enjoyed the occasional high of assault and battery, we can at least say it is equal opportunity. Frank Ocean had it comin’ big time. I

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am just a gentle, misunderstood phenom, and I will defend the Brown name, as well as the tattoo on my neck. Damn, son, I ain’t got nothin’ ta be sorry fo. I’m pretty much Jesus. Mel Gibson: actor/director, Aussie, lover of Chris Brown as well as Jesus: I, Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson, have realized the injustices I have committed against said sacred snatch after my tedious bouts of disappointing and mildlyconsensual sex with Mrs. Mel. Recently, the result has always been the same, I’d toss a softy and she’d let out some vaginal farts from that cavernous pleasure hole that had once bore me six little Mels, plus, two little women who will someday make great mothers to a flock of even littler Mels. If it weren’t for my pulling a Braveheart and prima nocta-ing up the old wife-y all those years ago, I might have been a free man sooner. I wasn’t going to be the one to properly ask for the divorce, because, dammit, I’m a Catholic and proud! However, that’s not to say I can’t dabble in domestic abuse and antiSemitism until that heathen bitch calls this marriage quits and leaves me a more broken man than my sad, alcoholic, and intolerant ass had been before. I send you this message as a desperate plea for female nurturing to help me get off the sauce and, instead, to get off in you. No fatties, whites only, and between the ages of 18 and 20 is preferred. Dicks are patient, dicks are kind. It does envy, it does boast, it is proud. So a penis there, a penis here, a penis everyday in the ear. Ladies, next time you’re embracing your inner goddess while sticking it to the Sheen and flickin’ the bean, remember men are really just chicks with dicks. With the intensity of a burning UTI that just won’t quit, our hope here at TBS is that the penis apologies may serve to bring hoes and bros together after a few thousand years of pecker-centricism.

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WED, 2/20 THURS, 2/21 FRI, 2/22 SAT, 2/23

  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $2.50 – Call Drinks $2 Well Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles 6  7  9  $2.00 – Well Drinks 1/2 Off8 Night $3 Bud Lt          Platinum DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Juan Trevino   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     $4.00 - Irish Car $3Bombs White Gummy Bear Shots Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  14  15  16  DJ BIG MIKE $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks The Ice Boxers  3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.00 – Bombs   $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close (excludes top shelf liqours) Coors Light, 23  $2.50 – Pints 20  21  $2 Wells, $222  8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING                   $2.50 – Call Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR  Drafts $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt,                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $3 Rumple    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints$2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots   $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27  28  29  30  $3.50 – All Pints $3 All           Drafts $3.50 Pints of                    Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  $3.00 – Well Drinks   Daniels DJ Minze (Back Bar)   Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar)   $3.50 Jack Lite, Labatt                 DJ Beats   Blue Light Sunday All Day SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody$3 Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints DJ Big Mike DJ Donnie D     $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day   $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs $3 Domestic Bottles Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, $3.50 Flavored Vodka East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day

$3 SoCo Limes and Kamikazes Captain Morgan

½ Off – Potato Skins $3.50 Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

$3.50 Well Liquor

For More Information Contact Us:   DJ Beats (517) 351­2222   www.dublinsquare.net   Or Text: “Dublin Square” to  $3 Bloody Marys 839863 for specials & updates.  

 

 

SUN, 2/24

*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

 

Happy Sunday!

 

$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts

MON, 2/25

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

TUES, 2/26

Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

WED, 2/27

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots


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FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands

Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close! Go Green!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 2/20

Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 2/21

Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands

Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 2/22

Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close

Come try our Green Meanie!

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!

SAT, 2/23

Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362

$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 2/24

Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362

Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 2/25

NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY

Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 2/26

Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 2/27

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The Bar Grid


page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

that's a deal breaker Zoë Kremke wrote this It’s time to draw the line on what’s a deal breaker and what’s not. Gentlemen, remember the time you talked to that girl on Saturday, only to discover that she had scary little vampire teeth? Or ladies, what about that cute guy in your 8 a.m. who you totally hit it off with ‘til you realized he was a foot or more shorter than you? There are just some deal breakers that everyone should know about, no matter how harsh they seem. For the Gentlemen: - Check her nails. A girl’s nails say a lot about her. Are they painted? Plain? Scraggly? Short? Long? Most everything here is pretty acceptable. Then there are the girls with dirt caked under their nails. Or the ones with that super long pinky nail that’s probably not for cocaine or anything. If her nails seem sketch, chances are there are more deal breakers lurking below the surface. - If you find more than the typical album or two of self-portraits on Facebook, that’s a deal breaker. Believe us, you don’t want to mess with that kind of crazy. Narcissistic borderline personality disorder, to be exact. - She’s rocking the beer gut… or is she? There’s a fine line between the chub/pouch most of the student population has, and hiding one’s pregnancy. Stay wary, friends. Many’s the man who’s been tricked into caring for a cabbage from another patch, despite never having tilled the mother’s soil! - Okay, so it’s the morning after a crazy night, and she’s stepped out to make you some coffee. (Although, you should really be making the coffee if you want to score some points.) Investigate her closet. Don’t get snoopy, there’s no reason to be a creeper, but if she has a shoebox marked: “My Ex’s Hair Clippings,” you’re in trouble. - If she comes even close to the radio dial in your car without asking, that’s a deal breaker. ‘Nuff said. For the Ladies: - Check his shoes. If it was going super well during class and then he stands up wearing a pair of pristine white Toms, his eco-friendly and charitable footwear likely indicate a lack of prowess between the sheets. - He doesn’t bathe. Some basic hygiene faux pas can be overlooked. Scraggly hair and beard combos fall nicely into the lumberjack fantasy every chick has, but if your guy doesn’t shower

at a bare minimum of three times a week, it’s an issue. - He gets weirded out when you catch him checking out some chick’s ass, and you comment on its hotness. What, he’s the only one who’s allowed to notice? Just because you don’t swing that way doesn’t mean you don’t have eyes. Freaking double standard. - If he shaves his armpits (and he isn’t Fabio, a model, or Michael Phelps), time to back away slowly. - He knows (way) less about sports than you do. It doesn’t matter if it’s football or water polo that strikes his fancy, there needs to be one athletic activity that he is well versed in. But if every time you’re ready to sit down and scream at the game on TV and he asks you what that last call meant, that’s a problem, sister. Time to drop this zero and set out in search for a man with an actual Y chromosome. Dating is hard stuff, man. But if you remember these rules while you’re out there, and avoid breaking them yourself - you should be golden. Like the rules.

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week Courtney rick's Age: 21

wanna see a card trick?”

Major: Pre-Psychiatry

Hangover Cure: Sleep

Relationship Status: If you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it oh, oh, oh… single.

Craziest Place You’ve Hooked Up: Hotel bathroom

Spring Break Plans: PCB

the drinking game: award season

Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs. What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Favorite Drinking Game: Ride the Bus

Drink You Make When a Girl Asks for Something Fruity: Oh, I just throw something together.

Parties or Bars: Bars

Best Line Someone Has Used to Get a Free Drink: “Do you

Bar Pet Peeve: Screaming girls

Rockstar You’d Want to Party with: Jason Aldean

recipe for disaster: Beercakes

As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame. What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they're hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com


where your

mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.

poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5

So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.

Notes: -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges We found love. expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.

ghetto fab chow mein Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force

them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.


inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5

Notes: - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, WTF, right? no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.

Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-

ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?

bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5

Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.

the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2

diabetes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste — ostensibly easy to consume — the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.

Hard cheese, not pleased.

- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.


six degrees of separation

51 /21 2 2 to/148 / 2 2

MISSSISSIPPI the griswolds

think you know how tina fey and michelle pfeiffer are connected?

Swim AND SLEEP unknown mortal orchestra

Argonauts

email us at classtime@theblacksheeponlne.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?

the little ones

So many details toro y moi

Goodbye, goodbye

1 2

tegan & sarah

Flashbacks, Memories and Dreams the virgins

Dark again (lights out) gold fields

3

4

Cannonball diamond youth You should consider having sex with a bearded man

the beards

5

Wolf like a stray dog

norwegian arms


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Michigan State - Issue 7 - 2/21/2013