The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik ec weered !!! it c ar ds !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 9 • 3/07/13 - 3/20/13
the bitter truth
of the Sweet Spring Break mary venuto wrote this Ahh, spring break! It’s the highlight of spring semester, isn’t it? Everyone works on their Floridian golden tan whilst sipping on a mimosa with their feet in the sand. Or at least that’s what MTV promised us back in high school. Yet for the majority of us kids spring break never quite turns out as like that crazy adventure of epic proportions we’ve all been dreaming about. A harsh truth that we must learn to accept: spring break is overrated. Most students that attend public state school aren’t even close to that 1% tax bracket. Mitt Romney would gag at the first sight of most of these college students’ bank statements. Some of us can barely scrape up enough money to pay for rent and utilities. Most of us are working shitty jobs for an even shittier hourly wage, and a week of no pay is simply out of the question. So our time-honored, mythic spring break is usually reduced to a front porch and 40oz of whatever bought from that sketchy Thornton’s on Versailles. And at the end of the week everyone’s skin tone is still a gleaming, vampiric shade of pale. Maybe you’re fortunate enough to have parents that had shitty childhoods so they’re determined to give you every experience they never had. You easily work your magic and convince them that spring break is an essential part of a fulfilled college experience. You and a few friends are already packed when someone bails unexpectedly. So now you have to let that second-choice annoying tag-along that everyone hates join in so you all can afford the four-dollars-a-gallon gas expense. Or even worse, maybe one of your idiot friends insists on bringing along their nagging buzz-kill of a significant other. Either way, you’re spending way more than you ever anticipated on alcohol in order to numb the sharp stab of annoyance in the chest whenever said person says or does something stupid. But at least you got a solid base tan. Or perhaps everything goes according to plan. You and your merry band of slackers miraculously make it to Miami in record time. The hotel is just shady enough for you guys to get away with your flagrant binge drinking. It’s even within walking -- err, stumbling distance to the beach! But just as you finish packing your cooler with all the necessities (hooch, water, crackers, hooch) you notice your buddy passed out on the couch. And
La Vie Est Un Reve: The Black Sheep Does Spring Break
just like that your spring break now turns into a scene from Weekend at Bernie’s. You’ll be damned if this asshole can’t get their shit together. You guys prop them up on a lounge chair, but they still manage to fall out. And of course the beach is crawling with cops just waiting to fill their quota by busting dipshit college kids for public intoxication. You decide to take your friend to the hotel room where they proceed to blow chunks all over the bathroom floor. On top of it all you forget to pack sunscreen. Your skin tone redefines “lobster red.”
The Black Sheep Presents: Taking A Peek Into Our Minds
For those of you who aren’t going on spring break, don’t berate yourself too hard. The modern college spring break is a farce and a scam -- a creation of advertising executives and MTV producers. Why not just skip the cops and sunburns and take it easy up here in the scenic splendor of Fayette county. And if you’re still hung-up on the dream of sun and surf, The Black Sheep suggests you just fill up your bath tub or baby pool. Your drunk self won’t know the difference.
Advantages of the TwoWeek Notice
How does our staff spend their break? Not how you'd assume...
Typical thoughts from students, professors, and Campus Police.
Quitting can be fun, enjoy the benefits!
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 4: from the streets
What are you looking forward to most about Spring Break?
page 5: Top 10: Ways to fuck-up spring break the possibilities are endless with these tips!
page 9: Kid Next Door With Ukulele To Go On Open-Mic Night Tour How did this guys jumpstart his career in the entertainment industry?
page 11: Bartender of the week Mac from Shakespeare & Co. has seen one too many handjobs on the job.
pages 12-13: The Mike's Hard Taste Test We choked down ten different flavors of Mike's Hard Lemonade and hardly even got a buzz.
page 14: We Interview: AER Brendan got to chat with the white-boy duo, who are on tour with Hoodie Allen now!
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word of the week Civiliesed:
A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.
Kellie Pickler & Simon Cowell
“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
La Vie est un Rêve:
The Black Sheep Does Spring Break G. Jordan Johnson wrote this At first glance one might assume that The Black Sheep is just a bunch of typical college kids: locked away in a basement, staying-up into the wee small hours feverishly downing Keystone Light and popping Adderall while hashing out poop and boner jokes and calling it satire. Admittedly this is… a fair assessment. But the average reader might be interested to learn that behind your dedicated staff of half-drunk, sleep-deprived slackers is another side -- a refined side; a side that revels in sophistication and savors the luxuriant indulgences of the finer things in life. Champagne, women, culture… as farcical as it may seem, we at The Black Sheep are well-acquainted with the luxuries of the cosmopolitan life. And when spring break arrived we were more than willing to relieve ourselves of the tiresome burdens of the publishing world and steal away to the sunny euphoria of the Caribbean. Don’t believe us? Just a quick perusal of our travelogues reveals the excesses of our sojourn with luxury. March 11th, San Juan, Puerto Rico: Your loyal writer could be found along the PR-67 stretch of San Juan, hovering ecstatically over a “Turf n’ Turf”—a 16oz T-Bone on top of a 24oz Porterhouse—and a bottle of Ron del Barrilito. Overhead, the San Juan sun cast a light of purest white along the shore as waves broke gently upon the beach. Across the table, maverick Sheep Editor Leo took up the concern of abnormally large shrimp, steeped in pumpkin hot sauce and served on a bed of ice. In his glass bubbled imported Chingy-les-Roses. Caramel-skinned women of unidentifiable age waltzed in and out of the white linen café canopy as the pair exchanged ideas on establishing a The Black Sheep Puerto Rican bureau. March 13th, Cancun, Mexico: West, near the Gulf of Mexico, Sheep staffers Luke and Jake were found fencing off leatherskinned, newly-single mothers with bits of driftwood after being mistaken as single, young males interested in entertaining women twice their age. Narrowly escaping the standard “Oh honey, people think me and my daughter are sisters all the time,” the handsome pair returned to their significant others, nervously explaining the cougar ordeal. Suffering the unfortunate encounter with spring break’s most unfavorable reality—exhousewives laden with alimony money trying to act half their age—they opted to restrain their wonton sex appeal and remain low-key for the remainder of their Cancun getaway.
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are you looking forward to most about spring break? "Well I'll be home... so sleeping!" - Ben C., Freshman
March 15th, Chicago, Illinois: The Sheep Herder-in-Chief Quinn ran into lamentable issues with U.S. Customs as he attempted to export his finely-crafted Lamborghini Gallardo to Barbados, citing as “completely unreasonable” the official statement from the office of Lesser Antillean Imports and Regulations. Unable to vacation without motorcar, he retired to his lavish Chicago apartment to sign our uncomfortably large paychecks. As of writing, it is presumed we are longer under his employment. March 16th, Whereabouts Unknown, Martinique: The rest of the Sheep staff -- including the vivacious Neal and notorious booze-hound Mary -- disappeared somewhere into the forgotten reaches of the Martinique jungle. The travel expense account of writer Nicole had mysteriously emptied from a single ATM on Le Boulevard Général de Gaulle and all three have yet to return emails back to headquarters. It is thought that they were hired by a competing publication. Or assumed dead. But neither has been confirmed (Ed note: however they will be found dead if the former is proven true).
"behind your dedicated staff of half-drunk, sleep-deprived slackers is another side -- a side that savors the luxuriant indulgences of the finer things in life."
March 14th, Vieux Fort, St. Lucia: Fellow writer and Francophile Shauntionne ported in the sublime South Western coast of St. Lucia. There, beneath the unreal Caribbean sun and with the magnificent peak of le Gros Piton looming behind her, she indulged in the most opulent of catering and spa services. Her morning massage, performed by a tall Frenchman named Jean-Luc, was promptly followed by champagne on ice with bouillabaisse. Under given circumstances we’re unsure if she plans to return.
From the Streets
Indeed dear readers, there is no lovelier a time to be a Black Sheep writer than on spring break. As creative geniuses, we know the importance of unwinding on a much-deserved break from the rigmarole of the bustling publishing industry. Between meeting deadlines and fighting to put words on paper, our work can become a hectic mess. There’s no better way to recharge the batteries than a week spent lounging on the coast, drink in hand, away from the noise of day-to-day life, caught in the languor of a brilliantly warm sea salt breeze. And thus we, from the jet-setting elite, wish you the greatest of merriment during your spring break -- may it be filled with sunshine, soaked in Dom Pérignon and free of venereal disease. Profitez de la vie, les amis!
"Forgetting it." - Chris C., Sophomore
"No class, sleeping, sunshine and booze!" - Wilder T., Sophomore
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Ways to mess Up Spring Break
Every year thousands of students flee the halls of academia and dive liver-first into the booze-soaked, sun-drenched frenzy of Spring Break. But only a handful of these kids actually get it right. Don’t hold back; let your friendly guides at The Black Sheep help you master the art of shameless hedonism and properly fuck up your spring break. Like a total badass. 10.) Create an Alias: You’re about to be on some beach far away from home surrounded by highly-impressionable drunks who’ll believe anything you say. Bradley Simpleton: chemistry major and bottle cap collector isn’t going to get any kind of play in Panama. Scott Takin O’Shit, however, is living it up. You can do whatever you want this week… why spend it being your boring old self? 9.) Create a Spring Break Playlist: You and your posse can’t be rolling up to the scene that top-40 radio drivel. Who are you going to take more seriously: the guys parked at the beach with Taylor Swift screaming about god-knows-what? Or the badasses blasting “All Gold Everything” without a single thing of gold on? We’ll wait.
The Black Sheep Presents:
Taking a Peek into Our Minds Neal Querio wrote this Between the stress of midterms, excitement of spring break and Kentucky’s recent bouts of bipolar weather, we’ve all been wearing a little thin these past few weeks. Between students wreaking havoc on their bodies with all-nighters, professors sifting through mountains of half-assed midterm essays, and police officers responding to the 20th complaint of belligerent partiers getting a head start on their spring break benders, we all have good reason to be a little tense. The Black Sheep empathizes whole heartedly, and in the spirit of that empathy let’s all stop for a moment and take a peek into the minds of those of us who are starting to crack under the pressure. The Thoughts of Sleep Deprived Students Just a few more steps and I’ll be at my class… just a few more...I swear to god I’m done pulling these all-nighters. Next time I won’t leave my paper for the last minute...hell, who am I kidding? Next time I won’t leave scoring Adderall to the last minute… maybe that’s a resolution I can keep. I can’t wait to pass-out... man, my neck hurts from sleeping on that bench... and a big thanks to library security for waking my ass up from that nap… dicks. Pretty sure I look homeless, but oh well, I’m tired. I don’t need my classmate’s approval…I NEED COFFEE...1 more hour, 1 more hour...I wonder if the professor will notice if I just rest my head for a couple of minutes. I mean, they all used to be students too, right? Even if I jus- holy shit! Either there’s a giant penguin on campus or I’m hallucinating... Can’t. Keep. My. Eyes. Open... and I can’t believe I got a B on the paper I completely bullshitted my way through. Did my professor even read it? Man I need a drink... between back-to-back midterms, my lame-ass part-time job and trekking across the frozen wasteland of a mile-wide campus, this college stuff is tough. It’s no wonder I show up to class drunk half the time. Thoughts of Your Professor During Midterms Jesus…was this student drunk when they wrote this paper? Maybe it was a mistake to tell my
students to stress content over format… it’s not even clear what language this paper was intended to be written in. It bears a passing resemblance to English… but between the chronic misspellings and double negatives I just can’t be sure. Oh, what do we have here? A coherent thought amidst this mess of redundant fluff? Lemme just check with Google here… and bingo! Lifted straight from Wikipedia. These little shits -- just how these kids ever got it together to pass high school is beyond me. You’d think if they know how to copy and paste their plagiarisms together they’d at LEAST they’d have enough common sense to use spell check. This is why I starting cutting my coffee with whiskey last semester… And here we are in lecture, god help us all. Of course no one did the reading… why am I surprised? I still can’t understand why students spend a fortune on textbooks if they don’t even plan on cracking the fucking things open. I’m clearly in the wrong racket. I don’t even know why half of these people bother coming to class on Friday. Let’s try a question or two; anyone know the answer? Anyone? Anyone?... Jesus, do these students really think that I can’t see their phones... no goddamn cellphones, people!... and is that kid seriously asleep? Thank god they’re all too braindead to realize that I lecture drunk half the time. Thoughts of the Campus Police Could this night get any weirder? If I have to deal with one more wasted freshman causing a scene I’m going to ram my cruiser right through Two Keys’ patio. I remember when I first joined the force... we all thought we’d be out there busting up drug rings and keeping muggers off the streets. Now after a few years I’ve seen this job for what it is. Screw all that community, protect-and-serve crap… I’m nothing more than a babysitter for kids who don’t know how to handle their liquor. I see more people walking around at 2 a.m. than I do at 12 on Friday afternoon... and when will these kids learn that I can totally tell that they’re smoking weed behind Paterson Hall? Thank god they’re all too high to know what’s going on…they’d never guess I do this cop bullshit drunk half the time.
8.) Get Ratchet: We’d be lying if we said we at The Black Sheep didn’t appreciate all things ratchet, and what’s more ratchet than spring break? You can be “well behaved” and “polite” any week of the year. This week, take that shot, get naked, and twerk on anything that makes eye contact with you. Do it for the ratchets and who haven’t came out yet. 7.) Get a Tattoo: Who’s going to be walking around the beach with a tattoo gun and SpongeBob towel other than a professional badass? Do yourself the favor; get the tattoo. 6.) Pick a Fight: So you’re making your way to the dance floor and some prick bumps into you. Sure, the place is reasonably crowded and he totally apologized. But you’re not here to be nice, you’re here to make an ass of yourself. You may not have a good reason to start swinging blindly, but then again a badass doesn’t fucking need one. If you win, go home and tell everyone about it. If you lose, go home and tell everyone you won. They have no proof you didn’t. 5.) Camera Time: This is your moment. With every flash we want you there sticking your tongue out or flipping someone off. When these people go home and look through their phone and ask themselves “who’s that weirdo in the back?” 4.) Enter a Wet T-shirt Contest: Ladies, regardless of whether you’re a member of The Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee or chair of the May-I-Squeeze Association we say let them be free. It’s fucking hot down there… plus you get to keep the shirt. 3.) Be A Slut: Sure, she looks like a foot and you could probably swing from her armpit hair, but at this moment W.W.J.D.: What Would Juicy J Do? Since he doesn’t say no to ratchet pussy we advise you not to either.
2.) Make a Harlem Shake Video: Why the hell not? Just get over yourself and jump on the bandwagon. 1.) Enjoy Yourself: Goddamnit, college is rough and you deserve a little break. Make memories with your friends and do things you never thought you would. Just… try to make it back to campus in one piece. Or not. Whatever. We really don’t care.
Shauntionne Mosley wrote this
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Kid Next Door with Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour Sean Neumann wrote this LEXINGTON, KY — Freshman Brandon Lewis announced Sunday night via Tumblr.com that he’s taking his musical talents on tour this spring semester. Lewis’ solo project, Never Shout Neighbor, will debut next Thursday at Al's Bar. The popular monthly open-mic night has produced countless legendary performances, such as Linda-Ann Plath’s dramatic, poetic reading of the ingredients for vegan lasagna, and local favorite The Bowties’ acoustic cover of YouTube Profile xXMaggiexXxMayhemXx’s cover of Fall Out Boy’s cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Beat It.” “Never Shout Neighbor started out in high school,” Lewis said. “I have like, so many videos of me playing my songs on YouTube that have over like, one-hundred views and stuff.” After releasing his E.P. Broken Hearts & Broken Strings exclusively on his Tumblr.com blog last month, Lewis has seen an increase in followers on the popular social site. “Yeah, I mean, like, I’ve gotten so many new followers over the past month. I totally got like, two in one hour once. It was great.” Despite his recent Internet success, social media hasn’t always been kind to the Ukulele star. On his YouTube page, Lewis has faced numerous counts of “trolling.” On August 21, 2011, EagleBaller54 wrote, “Yo bitch grow sum balls lol.” “Whatever, I always knew I had what it took to become a YouTube star, but like, no one ever gave me the chance…” Lewis said, holding back some tears. “My mom always believed in me though. She knew I could do it.” As a photography major at the University of Kentucky, Lewis has found much lyrical inspiration in nature while out shooting for projects. “Sometimes you just look at a tree and just see the beauty of the
heart and love and the sun and stuff, you know?” Lewis mentioned, as he tuned his ukulele. When asked about tour, Lewis said much planning went into the process. “I emailed so many managers at coffee shops and like, had friends show them links and stuff. It’s tough to get, but I’m headlining a lot of nights, so it’s obviously a huge breakthrough for me.” “The lyrics in his songs really reflect his personality,” friend Ally Benson admitted. “Like, that one line he sings about the girl he likes in that new song, ‘Sentimental Heart.’ It really speaks a lot about his original and authentic character. Nobody has emotions quite like him.” “What this kid really brings to the table is his quirky attitude and appearance,” Haley Cox, a totally credible twelve-year-old music critic, said on her blog. “The way he wears his bowties and suspenders really makes the music all the more better. Like a more hipster member of One Direction.” Lewis, often seen wearing fancy clothing and the occasional fedora, says that his choice of clothing style is “just like, a representation of the seriousness of reaching [his] goals as a musician. Also, it’s just so totally cool to do.” Receiving much acclaim for his spirited live performances, Lewis is excited to take his music down the road (about a block or two). “Live performances are where I really come alive,” claimed the youthful little shit. “Sometimes I shoot a wink at a pretty girl and dedicate a song to her. It’s a real treat for them.” The four-chord musician says he plans to play all six of his new songs about his only ex-girlfriend every night. “She broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” Lewis said. With lines like, “You broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” from his new single “These
Tears Are For You,” Brandon “Taylor Swift” Lewis reaches more than just the ears of the grade-school girls listening, but also touches their immature, inexperienced hearts. Never Shout Neighbor will play three dates next month, starting at Al's Bar, playing a 3 p.m. Monday afternoon show in the Square's Tavern, then concluding his debut tour by performing back at Al's Bar the next night. He knows a guy. When asked about Lewis’ music, his roommate Mark Hatteson simply said, “Jesus Christ.” When asked about Lewis’ plan to take his music on a campus wide open-mic night tour, Hatteson followed up, saying, “My god.”
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Advantages of the Two-Week Notice
jobless wrote this
Jobs help. They give extra spending cash for booze, illicit drugs and maybe groceries if one feels like eating meals that are healthier than ramen (it’s not a good source of protein when the meat comes in powder form). Sadly, jobs take away a valuable commodity known as time, which could be used ingesting the alcohol and narcotics along with sexing the various undergrads around campus. So when work begins to take over one’s drunken sex time, it’s time for that glorious moment when one puts in a two-week notice. The two-week notice is a curtsey an employee gives to the person who will soon no longer be paying them, so they can hire and train another unsuspecting person to put up with their bullshit. So while the employer interviews and weeds out the various degenerates who are more likely to steal from them than make their business profit, enjoy the powerful vacation that is the two-week notice. For starters, the two-week notice allows the quitter to choose the days he or she wants to work. Let the bossy boy know ahead of time that you are just not showing up on certain days because of other totally avoidable conflicts. They realize those conflicts involve getting shitface wasted at The Toasted Barrel or shacking at Blanding, but it’s not like they can tell you to come in or you’re fired. You‘re out of there in a week by this point, so firing you would actually put them in more of a bind. Unfortunately, you will have to show up for the days that you say you can. It’s a burden, but money is nice and in a few days you'll be jobless so the “savings” you have will disappear faster than Tom Sizemore’s career. But don’t let these days ruin possible drinking extravaganzas. If a bar crawl is in the morning and there is a work shift in the afternoon, make sure to go to both. Sinking into a hangover at work won’t be the most fun, but by this point you've probably learned how to work the system in such a way where a quick shot or two will keep the buzz going and hold off the hangover until after your shift. And if you happen to work at an establishment that doesn’t sell alcohol, how has it taken you this long to quit?
Your boss will also come to realize that they can no longer give you the shit they used to. When “the bus was late” excuse is used several times in a row, they’ll just have to deal with it. Their ideology of yelling and scaring staffers, will no longer work. If anything, now you’re in the power seat to give them a little attitude yourself. Drop a few f-bombs or argue over pointless things, like not refilling the drink station or modifying your punch card by a half hour. Stealing is never appropriate, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a really fun time. Try snagging a few extra dollars from the register before closing or sneak out the back with a whole tray of food. By the time they realize it, you’ll be long gone and there would be no reason to come back after you for it. Let’s be honest, an undergrad job doesn’t require that much training. It’s why waiters generally don’t put it on a resume unless they are applying to become a waiter somewhere else. Sure, you can dismantle and reassemble the soda machine in the precision that James Bond can handle his Walther PPK, but in the outside world it’ll get you jack squat. Quitting this job and committing a crime isn’t really going to be a detrimental decision later on in life. Please email The Black Sheep staff if you have found a reasonable employer who understands basic human needs and does not make their employees feel insignificant every time they are in their presence. We love our jobs as writers, but it doesn’t pay and we have a deepening alcoholism plua a few bastard children to support.
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bartender of the week mac c. Shakespeare & Co. Hometown: Paducah, KY How long have you been bartending: 7 years Nickname: Mac the Knife What made you want to bartend: Talking to people and hanging out looked like fun Is bartending your favorite job you've every had: Definitely! Has bartending taught you any life lessons: Be patient with drunk people. Is bartending difficult: Game nights are a little rough, but no. Favorite part of bartending: When there's a UK game on and the place is packed. Worst thing you've ever seen someone do in a bar: This guy passed out at the bar,
the drinking game: beeropoly
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue. What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
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but his girlfriend preceded to give him a hand job, and it was full service. Once he was finished she tucked him back in and zipped. Favorite drink to make: Strawberry old fashioned - it's a featured drink here. What drink do you order at a bar: Bourbon, Buffalo Trace If you could share a drink with anyone who'd it be: Bruce Willis What's your hangover cure: Bacon and coconut water What's you're favorite pickup line you've heard at the bar: "Aren't you related to someone?" What do bartenders know that the rest of us don't: Just how much people judge you based on how much you drink.
recipe for disaster: Politically Correct Puppy Chow It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you're drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm. What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages. While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B.
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So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged:
#1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade
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#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma - a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
Mike’s Hard margarita
Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
Mike’s Hard winter blackberry
Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3
Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-yearold chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York
Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell
Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight
Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West
Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama
Least likely to: - Get laid - Do mushrooms ever again - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.
Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa
Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakinâ€™ - Tequila Chugging
Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley, Nicole Kelliher Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon
Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Advertising? firstname.lastname@example.org 608.712.0900
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the crossword: spring break, baby! Across 2) All you’ll be wearing. 3) Two-piece beach attire. 4) You might get this kind of cup, filled with a daiquiri or something. 6) You just lay there. 9) This Mexican town may drive you loco. 12) Dad from the South 13) An all this resort is awesome. 14) You’ll need these, and Advil, to make it through the next day.
15) Because being a lobster is not cute. 18) A beach city, home to NASCAR. 19) Flying above a boat, basically. Down 1) Translated means “nest of snakes or pot.” 2) A practical souvenir. 3) An efficient way to drink a beer. 5) You will make a lot of these. 7) Capital of the Bahamas 8) Beer jacket. 10) A drink, and a popular activity. 11) The best part about The Panhandle. 15) An easy outfit for girls. 16) If you can’t opt for a plane ticket. 17) The second part of Sin City.
now leasing for fall 2013 OPEN LEASING CENTER NOW new student townhomes 843 South Broadway
uktownhomes.com UKTOWNHOMES.COM 843 s. 843 S. Broadway BROADWAY || 859.226.5625 859.226.5625