ISS Shutdown Forces Students to Continue Living Exactly as They Were Before By Jupiter Stevens The University of Illinois' student body has been thrown into a chaotic turn of normalcy since the Illinois Student Senate's shutdown last Friday. Amid a disagreement over whether or not Senate members should wear matching ties to meetings, the ISS officially shut down until the members are able to reach a mutual agreement. Students were shocked to return to class on Monday and continue going about their day in the exact same way they always have. University of Illinois student Maria Braden, 19, was most shocked by the news that the University even had a student government. “We have a what?” Braden said. “I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.” The ISS has also released plans to start shutting down university monuments and attractions until a decision is reached. ISS board members were sent to cover Abraham Lincoln's bust in Lincoln Hall and were also reportedly on their way to extinguish the Eternal Flame when they discovered it was never lit to begin with. “Yeah, I guess we forgot to keep tabs on that one,” student senator Shao Guo said. “Oops.”
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The ISS shutdown has resulted in countless cases of routine lectures and discussion sections, students and faculty members said. “Everything's going pretty well, why do you ask?” STAT 100 professor Ellen Fireman said to reporters on Wednesday. “Why did you guys ask me to come to this press conference? Is something going on or something?” Thousands of students were even seen walking around the Quad this week, being forced to follow their same route to class as they always have. “Okay, seriously, what are you guys talking about?” junior Kevin Walsh said. “What in the hell is an ISS?”
RipStik Rider Catches
Glimpse of Self in Window Questions Life Decisions By: Benny BOy Before last Tuesday, freshman Mike Jones considered himself a RipStik fanatic. Before coming to U of I, Mike had wondered how he was ever going to get to class on time. “At first I considered getting a bike, but then I worried that it would just get stolen. I thought about getting a longboard … but then again, why get a longboard when I got a perfectly good RipStik in my garage?” Mike spent the first week of classes was spent RipStikin’ across campus without a care at all. “I felt like I was balanced precariously on top of the world. Any obstacle you can think of— pedestrians, bikers, potholes—why, I would just shake my hips and RipStick my way right around them. There’s nothing better than feeling the wind in your hair as you awkwardly wiggle your way down Armory at three miles an hour.” The party wasn’t going to last forever, though. When Mike crossed in front of the Illini Media Building and caught a glimpse of himself in the window’s reflection, he was hit with a hard dose of reality. “I just saw myself wiggling down the street on a pole with two wheels at each end. I wasn’t going that much
faster than the people who were walking, and I just looked way less sensible than everyone else on the street. I’m a twentyyear-old guy, and I’m riding a device that even a person with a Razor Scooter would call moronic. It was just like, what the fuck am I doing?” Jones has since visited the Campus Bike Shop on Pennsylvania Avenue where he purchased a lime green Huffy for 75 cents.