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The Black Sheep

  Brought to you by  

The Booze News

Vol. 23, Issue 13

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

11/13/13 - 11/20/13

A future resident's Guide to Urbana By: kitty kat While students search for new apartments, one cannot go without being bombarded by an offer for A GREAT LOCATION NEAR THE QUAD and FULLY FURNISHED LIVING SPACE. But as we sign away our parents’ money on run-down apartments and senior houses in the heart of Champaign, another part of campus sees little to no desire to be lived in… No one really knows where to draw the line between Champaign and Urbana. Where does one start and the other end? It will forever be a mystery, and you shut up, Google. There is an eerie, provocative chill in the air once you pass through the Quad that pulls one into the dark side of campus. And this, as far as we know, is the land of Urbana. There are urban(a) legends and chilling tales of what happens amongst these dimly-lit streets, where a constant stench of home-grown weed floats through the air and tabs of acid are scattered in the lawns. But there have also been claims that Urbana is a beautiful place full of art and mystery that should be explored and admired. To find these answers, we risked it all and ventured east into Urbana to produce a road map for our readers, should you decide to live there next year. Dining: Urbana has caught onto the recent food truck trend with ease and is home to a few names you’ve probably snacked at before. One of the most popular trucks is Half-Baked, which often sets up shop near Lincoln and Springfield. Half-Baked features homemade recipes of cinnamon nut muffins, carrot cupcakes, pumpkin spice bagels and Oreo cream puffs, just to name a few. The difference between these food trucks and the bakeries in Champaign is that instead of serving you food, they simply drive you deeper into Urbana to the local Schnucks, whereupon you are left to find (and sometimes kill) the food, venture back into the wilderness to the nearest shanty, and cook the food yourself. It can be a frightening yet very rewarding experience. If you’re feeling a little more adventurous, venture out to Quasimodough’s, a newly-opened pizza joint located at the top of the Urbana Courthouse’s bell tower. This chic hangout offers its patrons delicious pies baked in a rescue animal-burning oven by none other than the owner himself, Shawn Newman. First-timers should start with the “Howlin’

Houndog,” a simple pizza topped with horse meat hot dogs. Return customers seem to prefer the “Guinea Piggin’ Out,” a house specialty topped with bacon, alfalfa pellets and a yet-to-be-identified meat product. To appease the large vegan crowd in Urbana, the university has opened up a community garden near the Vet Med campus where students and local residents can plant and pick the crops they please. Commonly

infested with E. coli due to nearby wandering livestock, The Human Hands Garden largely explains the sickly look on all of Urbana’s vegan residents. A shallow-breathing hippie laying on the side of Lincoln Avenue informed this adventurer that the garden enforces two rules, and two rules only: 1) If you take something from the garden, it must be replaced and 2) No planting reggie weed, only the good stuff. continued on page 19

page 6 Kid Watching Blackhawks Gets Really Involved in Game

page 9 Top Ten Weirdest Things to Wake Up With in Your Pockets

page 10 Online Classes Taught by Real, Live Astronaut

Concerned for team's future after a mediocre forecheck.

Number eleven would have been a set of false teeth.

Not holding office hours but also not requiring textbooks.

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Meet the Staff << Marketing TEAM Sam Oberholtzer, Kelly Cerf Lillie Kase, Jessica Nianick Peter Caruso, Colin Lateano

Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera

campus director Brendan Bonham

Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Richie Owens Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli

owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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#goodtimes Word

Dominear To manipulate or control men and women in close proximity to you.

of the

Kitty Kat, I was extremely offended by your newspaper’s last issue, where you changed yourself to The Weekly Illini and made endless racist jokes and insults to campus athletes and the Greek community. You should be ashamed of yourselves for publishing such a disgrace to journalism. I hope all of you remain unemployed for the rest of your lives for this inappropriate act. Sincerely, Journalist with Integrity Dear Daily Illini Opinionist With a Stick Up Your Ass, Thank you for your comments. We truly appreciate all feedback from our readers, and we strive every day to make our paper better for you. We focus on hard-hitting issues in the Champaign-Urbana area that we know will be of interest to everyone, and pursue every story with only the best of intentions. With that said, screw you. You and your Illini Media friends can go back into hiding and keep crying and eating your latenight Jimmy John’s during editing sessions. We don’t care. We kicked your ass, and you know it. And fortunately for us, you can never make fun of our nationwide, dick-joke-making success of a newspaper without completely comprising the status and prestige of yours. So ha! We won! Campus is ours. And if you don’t like it, I think The Odyssey is hiring. LATER BITCHES, Kitty Kat Out

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“Kaitlyn would dominear any man she shared the room with using her shrill laugh and overly aggressive sexuality.”

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Basketballer and Kardashian brood spawner racks up the miles on this as he pulls away from his wife.


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Professor Cyber Bullied Out of UIUC By: Sam Caravette Stating that such actions are “shocking” and are a “first-time occurrence for the University of Illinois,” university officials confirmed that a 20-year-old female student has been cyber bullying a male professor in an unnamed department, causing the professor to drop his tenure and leave the university. While the scandal is still currently under investigation, the university has released many of the details surrounding the events prior to his departure. According to the victim, who would prefer to protect his identity under his Skype username, “Ben Dover,” the student in question had attended his office hours in order to study for an upcoming exam. “It all began innocently enough,” whimpered Professor Dover as he fidgeted in the dark confines of his room. “She was doing well on all the in-class material, but her exam grades were plummeting. I thought I was just doing my job … until she seduced me.” Sources indicate the female student, who will be referred to under her Skype username name “Layla Konswallow,” began pursuing Dover in an attempt to raise her grade through physical strategies, rather than mental preparation. According to the police report, Konswallow entered Dover’s office around 11 p.m. on January 30, 2013, wearing nothing but a skimpy Chief costume. “Her attire was quite scandalous, especially according to university standards,” commented Officer Lou Duncan. “Despite the fact that she was mostly naked, the university is truly offended by the use of the Chief on campus property. And there’s no way that she was wearing enough material to protect herself in a real Native American battle.” Konswallow reportedly stated, “There’s only one type of D I want in this class,”

before sending the professor to the floor in a sexual rage. Their affair lasted for the remainder of the semester during Dover’s “special” office hours at his Urbana home, until the final grades were posted online. That’s when her sexual games took a turn into full-on harassment. “I had to give her a C,” stated Dover defiantly. “Her ‘orals’ were mediocre at best, and the climaxes were too standard. She didn’t put out ‘A’ material.” After checking her grades online, Konswallow was reportedly sent into a crazed frenzy. After all, she had turned down several booty calls a week just to ensure she was in prime condition for her continued affair with her scholarly lover. According to sources, Konswallow initiated her vicious cyber attacks on the website Formspring.me. An "anonymous" account began asking vulgar questions on Dover’s profile. Such questions ranged from, “Does your wife know you have a micropenis?” to “Do you cry every time you ejaculate?” Eventually, the attacks escalated off the website. “She began posting about what a ‘whore’ I was on my Koofers profile and giving me low ratings on Ratemyprofessors.com,” said Dover, adding that Konswallow’s ratings have caused him to lose his chili pepper on the popular website. “She anonymously sent emails out to the class listserv saying the only reason I got my PhD is because I sucked off the PhD committee and my supervisor. It’s just awful.” Friends and family of the professor have encouraged him to simply turn off his computer and ignore her hurtful comments, but Dover seems to be consumed by the torment. Sources confirmed that soon after the cyber

bullying became a daily occurrence, Dover was sent into a spiral of self destruction ranging from burning himself to taking up bulimia in order to cope with the internet assaults. Dover’s actions soon became apparent to his students, as he was often late to lecture and was no longer a stickler about required reading. “He just didn’t seem to care about anything anymore,” replied sophomore, Jenny Beckler. “I knew something was wrong as soon as he rolled up his tweed blazer, revealing his wrists. I pretended like I didn’t see, but I just knew.” University officials were first notified of the professor’s mental breakdown after he appeared in his 9 a.m. lecture wearing nothing but a teddy and some lipstick on his forehead that spelled “SLUT.” Dover was taken to McKinley for psychiatric evaluation but was diagnosed with mono, or possibly strep throat. The embarrassment of the entire situation caused Dover to drop his tenure and relocate to Southern Illinois University, where he is now a janitor. No development on the implications in store for Konswallow, although investigators are curious as to how mediocre her oral skills really are.

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Kid Watching Blackhawks at Firehaus Gets Really Involved in Game

ISS Split Vote on Which Ties Make Them Look Like Real Politicians

By Jupiter Stevens

By Jupiter Stevens

Sources confirmed last evening that freshman David Kelly, a real expert on the game of hockey, can't stop talking about the team's forecheck.

The Illinois Student Senate split the vote this week on which ties made them look more like a real, functioning government. ISS President Damani Bolden called an emergency meeting to vote on the matter after Senator Dominique “Modaddy” Johnson posted a pair of photos to the committee's Facebook group asking, “Which one do you guys think looks better?”

“Did you see their forecheck last period?” David said to a group of friends, casually watching the regular season game. “It's unbelievable. How do they expect to win any games without a good forecheck?” Witnesses said Kelly, 18, was wearing his Chicago Blackhawks 2013 Stanley Cup Championship hat backwards but kept hitting it off his head in reaction to seemingly meaningless plays away from the net. “Are you kidding me?” Kelly yelled at a friend who asked if it even mattered, since the team was winning. “They're not going to be winning if they can't get their act together on the forecheck. At this rate, they may as well just give up.” When one friend asked Kelly what exactly “forechecking” means, Kelly vulgarly discredited their friendship and asked if she even liked hockey. “You're probably one of those football types,” Kelly muttered. “Do you call the intermissions 'halftime' too, fucking idiot girl? You don't know anything.” Friends pointed out that Kelly hasn't ever played organized hockey, to which he replied with a bet that they couldn't name the height and weight of every player on the Blackhawks 2010 Stanley Cup team. “Let me tell you, that team knew how to play,” Kelly said. “This Coach Quenneville guy needs to act more like our old coach, Coach Q, and fix this team's forecheck.”

After much debate in the post's comments section, student senators and executive board members were called to a late-night meeting in the Union to settle the issue. “This case is one of the most controversial and heated topics to ever be voted upon in the ISS,” President Bolden said. “We had senators threatening to resign from their seats and leave the senate if we go with the plaid option.” When asked what was the second most controversial topic to ever be voted upon by the senate, President Bolden looked confused. “You think we've voted on stuff before?” Bolden said the issue was originally set to be resolved through a Facebook poll, but when Senator Cody Williams threatened to “choke the democracy” right out of the group’s left-winged senators, the president was forced to call for an emergency vote. “I can't believe we have to do this,” Modaddy huffed, as he asked Senator Joshua Good to Google whether political science required a background in chemistry or

if it was just “one of those goofy trick words that don't mean what it sounds like.” Senator Good argued that Senator Williams' claim that “cotton is traditional, and traditional is always better” was flawed, seeing as silk would better present the government's quirky mix of relaxed seriousness. With a decision still hanging in the balance President Bolden flirted with the idea of focusing on larger, more important topics. “If we can't even decide on what clothes to wear, how in God's name are we going to decide on what to eat for our annual luncheon?” Bolden said. “The student body expects us to know what we're doing, and soon I won't even be able to tell them what movie we watched at our last meeting.”


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Students Disappointed to Learn that Antonio’s Hasn’t Changed a Bit By: Benny Boy Earlier this month, Antonio’s, which had been closed since the summer of 2011, recently re-opened its doors to the public. Fourth year U of I students-- the only students currently on campus to remember Antonio's before it closed down-have expressed dismay at learning that the Green Street pizza staple is just as they remembered it. “I was walking down Green Street the other day when I noticed a sign that said Antonio’s was reopened. I decided ‘What the hell?’ and went in to get a slice,” senior Steph Komack remarked about the recently-revived pizza joint. “Sure enough, it tasted just like it did before. It really put a damper on my day.” Antonio’s workers were delighted at the opportunity to serve UIUC students once more and pledged to provide the same service and quality as before the restaurant closed in 2011. “Of course, we don’t

tell the costumers that!” cashier Jeremy Peppers told us with a sly smile on his face. “When students walk in here, they will get the same food and slow service as they have always gotten in Antonio’s. People love tradition! But, because of that, we don’t get many regulars around here.” Since its re-opening, word about Antonio’s has spread throughout campustown like wildfire. “When my buddy told me that Antonio’s was back and that it was just like how we remembered it when we were undergrads, I just couldn’t believe it,” post-grad student Paul Alex said. “Sure enough, I went in and saw that they were serving the same kind of pizza as before. They had the tomato pizza, buffalo chicken pizza, everything that they used to have. I asked them if they changed anything up now that they’re re-opened, you know, to revive their image and make people want to come in. And

they just said ‘no.’ I was amazed. I welcomed the guys working back to campus and went to go get a bite to eat at Firehaus.” The location of Antonio’s, smackdab in the middle of Green Street, had made it the go-to late-night snack for folks coming back from the bars during its heyday. And now, just like old times, Antonio’s is staying open late to cater to these hungry, drunken hounds. “I met up with this girl at Brothers who I had been eyeing in my lit classes for months now,” student Tim Lahey said. “Everything was going great, and I was taking her back to my place after closing. We walked past Antonio’s and decided to grab a bite for fun. We noticed right away that it was just how we remembered it from our first semester freshman year. However, we decided to stay and order some pizza anyway, even though she really wanted to go to

Jimmy John’s. We both got a slice of BBQ chicken and after eating, she stared at her plate a minute and told me that maybe she wasn’t making the best judgments that night. I thought about it myself, looked around the place and decided that she was probably right.” The re-opening of Antonio’s has also introduced the establishment to undergrads who were not

around before its closing in 2011. On their way to the bars, groups of young students joyously flocked into Antonio’s for slices of $3 pizza, ate them silently and then solemnly walked back home again. Freshman Johnny Marz explained to us his first impressions of Antonio’s. “I had heard my older brother talk about Antonio’s all the time when he was a student here,” Marz said. “When I heard that it was re-opened, I just had to stop

by to see if all of the stories were true. I’m very sorry to say that they were.” In other news, Drew’s Pizza has seen a recent surge in sales and customer traffic. “Yeah, we’re definitely seeing a lot less boobs around here, as people are actually paying for our pizza now,” cashier Reggie Young explained. “But what we lack in tits, we make up in tips! This is awesome!”

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Signing a Lease? Here’s How to Do it Right and Who to Do it With By: Patrick Filbin Don’t go random again: The point of a random roommate is to get associated with the college lifestyle. Or because you have zero friends. Each reason is justified, sort of, but once is enough. It’s a freshman thing; you’re done with that now. We don’t care how much Entourage you and your new BFF from southern Illinois watch, the dude is a weirdo and you’d be much safer and happier with someone you know. Make some friends, friendless person.

It’s that time, everyone. Time to go look for your dope new pad that you’ll be chillin’ at next year. It’ll be your place where all the parties are at, every single weekend. It’ll be your place that all the hot girls flock to with their even hotter friends. And you’re gonna build a tiki bar, have a few pet snakes and become the best of friends with everyone in your building. None of these things are going to happen. It’s all a fantasy. And these fantasies happen every year around this time. Right now, you’re kinda bummed out about your place. You had such high expectations, but what’s really happening is that your place is falling apart, your random roommate eats all of your cereal, and your neighbors throw ragers at 4 a.m. on Monday mornings. So we’d like to help sort out things you want and don’t want in a possible roommate and future apartment.

Your roommates must be down to party: There’s nothing worse than a roommate who sits in his room alone all day and all night. You go out and party with your boys, only to come home to this sack of bones right where you left him—pants off, Netflix on. It makes you feel depressed right when you see him, and no one wants that baggage around. Your roommate is required to give you peace and privacy when you damn

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well deserve it: Apart from being down to go out with you, there’s something to be said for a roommate who is able to give you your space. And this can be hard for an only child, a person who just got dumped by their douchey boyfriend/ clearly slutty girlfriend, or the people who prefer cats to dogs. Hanging out with your roommates can be great. Not hanging out with your roommates can be even better. Go for a lower price over location every time: Oh, you have to walk 15 minutes to Davenport instead of 10? Look, you’re still young enough to get your ass moving, even if it takes a pot of coffee or two. We’ll all soon miss the days when our bodies just do what they're told to do. Location is a huge part of this process, we get that. But if a place is 100 bucks cheaper just because it’s four more blocks west, you’d be damn fool not to take the cheaper deal. Get a bike, look up the bus schedules, save money, buy a jacket and

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buy more beer. Make sure the apartment has the essentials: Ever walk into a place you’re about to live in and realize it doesn’t have a dishwasher? Yeah, us neither, but that would suck major balls. Can you imagine washing dishes with ... your hands? Gross. With this in mind, make sure the place has a furnished living room and bedrooms, a fridge, a showerhead, and that no walls or ceilings are missing. Unless one of your parties does that sort of damage, to which we say, invite us to the next one.

And try to get an in-unit washer and dryer if you can. Does the place have a spiral staircase?: Do it. Those are dope as hell. Suck it up. You’re in college: Our bet is that you’re taking all of these decisions way too seriously. You’re in college. You’re a kid. There’s no way you need (or deserve) to live in a place like Burnham. There’s no need to sweat this kind of stuff. Slum it up with you pals in a dumpy apartment and call it a year.


Upcoming Wet T-Shirt Contest for Breast Cancer Fundraiser Causes Controversy

The

Top

Ten

Weirdest Things to Wake Up With in Your Pockets By: Scotty G

One of the strangest tasks in any college student’s life is searching through their pockets in the morning to piece together the mystery of what happened the night prior. Usually there’s nothing out of the ordinary—wallet, phone, keys, change. But every once in a while you find that one inexplicable item. How did it get there? What did you do? Should you flee the country? Here are the top ten weirdest items we’ve found before. 10.) A Stranger’s Keys: Congrats! You now have access to one more door in the world than you did 12 hours ago! Good luck finding out which one it is, though. Hopefully it’s to a cool car or the back door to Cly’s. No cover, holla! 9.) A Stranger’s Phone: Are you a thief? Did you steal a phone? Or maybe ... maybe you’re just a good friend! Yeah, that sounds better. You probably took a friend’s phone because they were texting their ex. Nice job! This person owes you lunch. Now ... whose is it? 8.) More Money Than You Went Out With: So you only had $16 in your wallet last night and now there’s $20 crumpled up in your back pocket? You’re a wizard! You created money out of thin air. The Federal Reserve better watch out! Bad news is that the government will now require you to be blacked out all hours of every day in an attempt to pay off our national debt. 7.) Underwear: This one can go a few different ways, depending on if it’s your underwear or not. If it is, you either got kicked out of a hookup early on or were lacking toilet paper in the bar bathroom and decided to ditch your panties altogether. If they’re someone else’s, you’re into some really weird shit, man. You could also have a drunk alter ego who’s an underwear salesman. Very plausible.

By: Strawberry Shortcock Mark your calendars for Thursday, November 21, for what sources at the University of Illinois are calling the “most anticipated and controversial event in campus history.” After years of campaigning, petitioning and more than a couple endorsements from well-connected alumni, a university RSO is hosting the school’s first “Frosty Wet T-Shirt Contest ON THE QUAD!!!” “It’s not your average wet t-shirt contest,” said Honor the Teet RSO president Joey Aarons, junior in the College of Music. “It’s a contest for a cause. We’re doing it in the name of breast cancer. Since it’s November, it’ll be nippy and it’s on the Quad. We’re expecting the biggest turnout for a U of I event, ever.” The contest, Aarons said, hopes to raise money for breast cancer awareness and research, especially because donations seem to drop every year during the winter months. But not everyone on campus is thrilled with the announcement.

6.) A Condom Wrapper: Your first job is to find out who your coital partner was. (Hint: check your bed first.) Your next job is to find a second condom before he/she wakes up.

more than those poor bastards selling brownies to drunk people on Green Street to raise money for the environment oil spills or whatever.” Even many vocal supporters of breast cancer research have shown some doubts. “I think this whole ‘I love boobies,’ campaign has gone a little far,” said junior Amanda Walsh. “I do love boobies, but part of me wonders if there’s a less sex-centered approach we should be using instead.” Honor the Teet swears that its intentions in creating the event were entirely wholesome. “We’re not just a bunch of horny old pizza makers looking to see some areola,” Aaron said. “This is about breast cancer! We're not even using water hoses—we’re going to drench the babes who sign up in milk. You know, like 2%, skim, maybe some Vitamin D—because it’s symbolic of breast milk. It’s totally thought out and well-organized around a central theme of boob promotion.”

“I’m pissed,” said Deidre Conroy, freshman in Media and Cinema Studies. “When that frat guy handed me the flyer, I just thought it was a just really bad joke. It’s more than insensitive—it’s downright idiotic. I can’t believe that the university can’t see through the group’s philanthropic façade and recognize its underlying, sexist intentions. They don’t care about breast cancer, they only—wait, where are you going? I haven’t even gotten started on the intersections of voyeurism and the male gaze!” She trailed off as The Black Sheep interviewers promptly ran away.

If the event exceeds maximum capacity, University president Robert Easter himself has promised to set up “that giant balloon projector thing that Illinites sometimes uses,” that way the event can be viewed up and down the entire Quad.

When asked about the event’s many detractors, Aarons said that sometimes in order to get people to support a cause, you have to give them some sort of incentive first. “If Nike can make millions of dollars exploiting breast cancer by selling pink football equipment to every team in the NFL, then college men and women everywhere should be able to enjoy a boob or two in the name of the cause. It’s basic business,” he said. “Besides, we’ll make tons

The contest will feature female students from every college, year and sorority house on campus. Aaron “pinky promises” pictures will only be used for future promotional events. The event begins at 5:00 p.m. Tickets are $18 each, and all proceeds allegedly go toward finding a cure for opportunistic sexism.*

“Seriously, though, if lame groups like Amnesty International get to have naked bike rides for bullshit causes like human rights, then we can totally have a wet t-shirt contest for a something that people actually care about,” Aaron said.

*By opportunistic sexism, the author actually meant breast cancer. We regret the error.

5.) A Jaywalking Ticket: Burn it and never speak of this again. 4.) Blood: You’re injured! Go to the hospital immediately. Or find the wound and put on a band-aid. What if it’s not your blood? Maybe you committed a horrible crime! Go to Mexico! Just get out! Wait … what’s that? It tastes like tomato juice? Did you spill your Bloody Mary again? 3.) A Gameboy: Maybe you robbed GameStop (impressive because they put those metal gates up when they close). Maybe you went back in time and stole it from a third grader in the year 2000. Either way, you landed a Gameboy! Don’t tell anyone. Keep it for yourselves. Don’t trust anyone who wants to take the precious thing away from you. 2.) Food: We’re talking about unpackaged and uncontained food, like a pocketful of fries or maple syrup (do fries taste good with syrup?). The only explanation for this one is that you found yourself in a situation where you had to hide food from someone and couldn’t think of a better place to put it. We’re guessing you were hiding it because a friend suggested getting some food, and you couldn’t let them know you had already eaten. 1.) A Thank You Note, a Picture of a Missing Cat and 5000 Yen: You either rescued a lost kitten and returned it to a Chinese student for a cash reward, or you’re a feline hit-man. Interpret this however you wish.

09


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Online Classes Taught t u a n o r t s A e iv L , l a e R y b By: Winnie Bago New online classes are being added to the course list for Spring 2014, just in time for registration. Mike Hopkins, University of Illinois alum and current astronaut, is teaching a series of web seminars for those interested in an out-ofthis-world experience. Hopkins is currently residing in the International Space Station, far above the planet’s atmosphere. He will be teaching a series of online, eight-week courses before returning to Earth in March 2014. “This is easily the coolest thing I’ll ever be able to do in my life,” Hopkins shared via Skype, giddily floating about his room. “Being up in space is obviously something that not everyone can do, so I want to share everything I possibly can about our universe from a stellar point of view.” While Hopkins graduated with a

Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Engineering, his expertise spans to an array of subjects on campus, all relating to his experiences in space. However, one class will be limited to aerospace engineering students only: ENG 425, How to Diffuse a Fart in a Space Suit– something that many of these engineering students will find refreshing after dealing with their typically heavy course load. The rest of the classes are open to the entire campus. One course that is anticipated to be very popular will be offered through the theater department. The class is listed as Theater 320: Reenacting Gravity, where Hopkins will collaborate with students to reenact the recent blockbuster hit. Hopkins will simultaneously play George Clooney’s and Sandra Bullock’s characters, making this his “most demanding role to date,” having to switch between a character in

despair and another character in even more despair. Students will play the role of NASA, screaming at Hopkins through their computer screens and being no help whatsoever. “I volunteered to play the Asian man with the dog who makes Bullock’s character happy,” one theater student said proudly. “I’ve been practicing my barking for weeks now.” Hopkins chose to further delve into pop culture’s relation to astronauts in another one of his courses. A current semester-long course on campus, Anthropology 150: Novel Archaeology, depicts how pop culture slaughters the merits of archaeology and makes a mockery of it via the Indiana Jones movie franchise. Hopkins is creating his own version, having students watch a series of films about astronauts and space to see

how pop culture sucks at getting facts right. “Yeah, we asked him for his course material requirements to put on our online database,” Sherry Jones, manager at the Illini Union Bookstore commented. “So far he’s only given us a list with two items on it: Buzz Lightyear action figures and Spaceballs. What am I supposed to do with that?” His courses go beyond pop culture too. Hopkins is contracting architecture students in ARCH 451: The Colonization of Mars. Students are expected to model the colony after their favorite cities on Earth for their semester-long project. Aldi is funding their developments, hoping to be the first supplier of canned foods on Mars at remarkably low prices. Psychology students are open to take Psychology 380: Raising a

Family on Mars. Hopkins wants to research the effects of raising a baby on Mars and having it grow up in a galactic environment. Extra credit assignments include giving birth to the potential first baby to be tested on Mars. If the baby is born successfully, the student receives credit and a high-tech webcam so the proud mother and father can watch their baby’s first steps in outer space. Dance classes are learning a new interpretive style as well, mirroring Hopkins’ moves to the best of their abilities in attempting to dance without gravity. Similarly, culinary classes are learning to cook without gravity and by making freezedried, dehydrated ice cream sandwiches. “I predict a lot of food fights to create an anti-gravity illusion to impress me for a passing grade,” Hopkins said.

But classes more in suit with the courses Hopkins took while at the university are posed with even bigger questions. For instance, Physics 220 is tasked with disproving gravity. Calculus and accounting students are offered a concurrent course, titled Numbers 101: Counting the Stars. Lessons involve students watching as Hopkins faces his webcam out the window of the space station. Students are then asked to count the number of stars in the universe. “Oh yes, this is a daunting task,” Hopkins explained. “But it’s one small brain counting, one large number for mankind.” Hopkins included a footnote in all the listings of his courses that no office hours will be available for his courses, but students can meet with him by appointment only if they arrange their own transportation to meet with him.


He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 Off Grey Goose Drinks $3.50 14oz 312 Drafts $4.50 20oz 312 Drafts

Thursday: LUMINOX with MELLOW, MISS A, D1RTY NO1ZE, DJ BELLY and More!

THURSDAY! Cly's T-SHIRT NIGHT! A Different Free Shirt Every Thursday! First 75 People Starting at 10:30pm To Pay Cover Get a T-Shirt $1 Burnett's Vodka, $2 Wells & Fireball $3 TOP SHELF EVERYTHING

FRIDAY: The Ars Nova, 10pm, $5 w/ A Cool Hand

Wednesday 11/13

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

EOTO (featuring Jason and Michael from String Cheese Incident) with KYRAL x BANKO

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Thursday 11/14

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

LUMINOX with MELLOW, MISS A, D1RTY NO1ZE, DJ BELLY and More!

Cly's T-SHIRT NIGHT! A Different Free Shirt Every Thursday! First 75 People Starting at 10:30pm To Pay Cover Get a T-Shirt $1 Burnett's Vodka, $2 Wells & Fireball $3 TOP SHELF EVERYTHING

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Friday 11/15

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

JOE PUG with SERA CAHOONE and JUSTIN RONDON

Happy Hour Food Specials! $5 Any Sandwich $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

The Ars Nova, 10pm, $5 w/ A Cool Hand

Saturday 11/16

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

African Cultural Association presents REGGAE PARTY 2013

Gameday! $5 ANY SANDWICH 5-9pmfrom Niro's Gyros $3 Bud Light Tallboys, Special Guest DJ Saturday Night!

Whiskey Daredevils, 10pm, $5 w/ Malt Liquor

Sunday 11/17

Closed

Tickets on sale now for shows with DATSIK, MIMOSA, CASEY DONAHEW BAND and more!

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Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

Monday 11/18

Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

Make A Mogul x UC Hip Hop presents The Achievers Show featuring MICKEY FACTZ, AFRO & THE BEARD and CHI-CITY

$2 U CALL IT

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Tuesday 11/19

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands! $1 Cover

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka, $2 Bud Light Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 11/20

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Rockstar Energy Drink Firepower Most Wanted Tour with DATSIK and FUNTCASE, PROTOHYPE and RISE AT NIGHT

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas


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DOWNTOWN

MONDAY: MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

TH: JUPITER'S 16th B'DAY! $2 Red Spot Shots (Fireball & Redd's) Redd Girls 9-11 $3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Drinks 2 Large Pizzas for $16!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursday $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

JUPITER'S 16th B'DAY! $2 Red Spot Shots (Fireball & Redd's) Redd Girls 9-11 $3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Drinks 2 Large Pizzas for $16!

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch the Illini!

WWHP Presents: Corb Lund, 7pm, $15 De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday 11/17

Blackhawks Watch Party! $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Blackhawks vs Sharks 6pm This game is not on local tv WIN HAWKS TICKETS! 7pm Broncos vs Chiefs

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Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday 11/18

Pop Culture Team Trivia Night Starts at 10pm - Compete to Win Prizes! MNF: Patriots vs Panthers Bulls vs Charlotte 7pm HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-10pm (excludes wings)

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Tuesday 11/19

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm, $2 WELLS Blackhawks vs Stars 7pm

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

WPCD Presents: Phox 8pm, $10

Wednesday 11/20

Get the Firehaus Gameday Mug! $$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips (4-10)

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: FREE PANCAKES! from 8am-10am (with the purchase of any beverage) 11am- #3 Ohio State vs Illini Watch all the games here! Blackhawks vs. Predators

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

SATURDAY! WWHP Presents: Corb Lund, 7pm, $15 De Noche, Salsa Dancing After + Great Drink Specials

Wednesday 11/13

ILLINI vs VALPO 6:30pm $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips (4-10)

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Thursday 11/14

$5 WRAPS! 4-10pm Any Wrap on our Menu..$5! $2 WELLS, Half Price Whiskey Hawks vs Phoenix 7pm Colts vs Titans 7pm

Friday 11/15

$6 Bud Light 40's, $3.99 Haus Fries!, $3 Captain Morgan $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 VEGAS BOMBS Bulls vs Toronto 7pm

Saturday 11/16

FREE PANCAKES! from 8am-10am (with the purchase of any beverage) 11am- #3 Ohio State vs Illini Watch all the games here! Hawks vs. Predators at 7PM

DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

HUMPDAY! $2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports


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KAM'S

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $2.50 Bud Light, $5 24oz SHACKERS

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 11/14

Klub Kam’s w/ Live DJ

Mustache Night!

Absolut Friday featuring Delicato 10pm, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots, $3 Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Absolut Girls 11p-1a

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Killians, Shocktop, Leinenkugel's $3 Malibu, Wild Turkey, Bacardi Mixers

Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

Illini vs OSU: Game at 11AM, Open 7am, $2.50 Bud Lt Cans & 22oz Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $4 Jim Beam & Stag, $3 Jager Shots & Bombs

Solo Cup Saturday! No Cover Charge

$3 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Rolling Rock $3 DR. Shots & Orchata, $6 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles

GAMEDAY! $1 Bud Light Drafts ILLINI vs OHIO STATE 11am

$3 U Call It

Illini Basketball vs Bradley 5pm Free Shuttle to Game $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

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Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

Monday Night Football! Open 7pm! $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - COORS GIRLS 10p-12p - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: Bud Light $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Red Lion Charity DJ FINALS Which House will Win $1000 To Their favorite Charity? Five DJs....One Winner!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 11/20

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Tuesday 11/19

Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Monday 11/18

Logo Mug Night: Sierra Nevada $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Win Bulls Tickets! Illini Basketball vs Valpo 6:30pm, “Free Shuttle to Game” $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam

Sunday 11/17

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

Saturday 11/16

WED 11/20: Red Lion Charity DJ FINALS Which House will Win $1000 To Their favorite Charity? Five DJs....One Winner!

Friday 11/15

Win free Miller Lite Tailgating Gear and Illini-OSU tickets this Friday!

Wed. 11/13

St Judes Fundraiser open 4pm

THURSDAY: Mustache Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY! Illini vs OSU: Game at 11AM, Open 7am, $2.50 Bud Lt Cans & 22oz Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $4 Jim Beam & Stag, $3 Jager Shots & Bombs

$5 Kam Islands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $3 Captain, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, Great Dance Music!


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Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could go back in time to exactly one year ago today and tell yourself something, what would it be?

r Sarah, Junio

"Going out on Bad Decision Wednesday is the best decision."

r Haley, Junio

"Chant 'USA!' to get the party going. And avoid bar bathrooms at all costs."

r Jess, Junio

"When that dude brings his dog along to shack â&#x20AC;Ś itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a red flag."

15


Bartenders of the Week

Nicole of Legends

Relationship Status: Happily married Major: Industrial Engineering Favorite Drink: Anything whiskey Disgusting Drink: Vodka waters Favorite shot: Hot pie Are you even taking this seriously?: Not sure yet. Do you think that's an acceptable answer?: It doesn't matter what I think. Did you hear what happened to Tina?: She took a poop outside of Red Lion. Hey, remember Crash Bandicoot?: I never saw Star Wars. Five words to sum up the Neolithic Period: Worst Week Ever. Can you believe we finally solved racism?: Thanks Obama. Okay, let me get this straight, you want me to do what, exactly?: Start asking better questions. How is this relevant to the conversation?: It is the conversation. What are we going to do about all this blood?: The barbacks will take care of it. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: I think the writers are on acid.

Drinking Game

Kyle of Firehaus

Relationship Status: None of your business Major: History Favorite Drink: Cope Wintergreen with a splash of Coke Favorite Shot: The groady toad’s stool Disgusting Drink: Smoker’s phlem Are you even taking this seriously?: Am I taking this seriously? Do you think that’s an acceptable answer?: Do I think what? Did you hear what happened to Tina?: I heard from Tina’s girlfriends sister’s boyfriend’s seamstress that Tina passed out at 31 Flavors last night … I hear it’s pretty serious. Hey, remember Crash Bandicoot?: I only fucks with Spyro the Dragon. Can you believe we finally solved racism?: Now we just gotta get rid of all the goddamn liberals and feminists. How is this relevant to the conversation?: Quit stalling and help! What are we going to do about all this blood?: ZAMBONI! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Your parents paid for 7 years at this school for kids who can’t read good, so you might as well put your skills to use.

Recipe for disaster

Canoe Race

Brownout-of-Your-Ass Burrito

A throwback to the high school garage party days. The Canoe Race is a quick game of a 2-person flip cup and pong hybrid that will get you belching and buzzing in no time flat.

This is one of those meals that you wouldn’t eat unless you were somewhat inebriated. Okay … very inebriated. This burrito will satisfy all your needs when you return to your apartment without a slampiece, and fall back on eating to make up for your lack of game. And it saves you money not having to buy it at Chipotle.

What You’ll Need: 16 red cups, 2 ping pong balls, a table and beers. Number of Players: 4 players Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a lot in ya pretty fast. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of two and stand on opposite sides of the table, each team having one ping pong ball. - Set up four cups in front of each person, Bozo Buckets-style. - Pour beer into each cup, about a quarter of the way up. - When you’re ready, the first people with the ping pong balls try to shoot across their table into their partner’s cups. - If you make a cup, your partner has to chug the beer in the cup and flip it onto the table. - Once your partner completes this, they shoot the ball back across the table to your cups. When they make it, you do the same—chug the beer, flip the cup and keep shooting. - There are no pauses in this game, so don’t wait for the other team to shoot or anything like that. The only time you have to wait before shooting is while your teammate is flipping their cup. They have to have that completed first before taking their turn. The Game Ends When: All of your team’s cups have been flipped!

download our free app for all the games!

What You’ll Need: An oven, a microwave, Easy Mac, pizza rolls, a tortilla, Tabasco sauce, chopped lettuce, hot peppers and any other toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll poop it out. No big deal. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the pizza rolls in the oven and let them cook for 15 minutes. - When the pizza rolls are done cooking, take them out of the oven. While they’re cooling off, put the Easy Mac in the microwave for 3 minutes. - Once the pizza rolls have cooled off, wrap them up in the tortilla. - Pour the Easy Mac on top of the pizza rolls. - Drizzle Tabasco sauce over everything, as much or as little as you want. - Put the lettuce and hot peppers on top, along with any other garnishes that strike your fancy (shredded cheese, anyone?). - Roll it up burrito-style and chow down. Mmm, tastes even better when it comes back out.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com


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Booze Review Smirnoff Cinna-Sugar Twist Grade: c written by: Kitty Kat

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A new flavor of Smirnoff is always enticing, especially if you’ve had a bad experience with it in the past. “Well, maybe this time will be better,” you tell yourself. And we hope, for your sake, it is. But we have to say that we were a bit disappointed in Smirnoff Cinna-Sugar Twist. Although it looked like a delicious treat and our one marketing team member would not SHUT UP about how good it was, it was far from perfect. If you’re fancy with cocktails and delicious concoctions, then maybe this flavor is for you. It would probably work out pretty well with a few other alcohols and a drink shaker with ice. But if you’re looking for a quick mix-in-some-pop sort of thing, we suggest you pass. Smells Like: The inside of a Cinnabon at the airport Tastes Like: The underside of a chair at a Cinnabon at the airport Typical Drinkers: Older men with diabetes, partially overweight women with a sweet tooth. User Comments: “So do we mix this with anything, or…?”

“Smirnoff again? Jesus.” “Can we just bake with this instead? I’m too scared to drink it.” “Okay, now they’re trying too hard with these flavors.” An Apt Anagram for “Cinna-Sugar Twist”: Tragic Anus Twins Song Lyric: “She put that sugar on my tongue / She’s gonna gimme, gimme some” – “Sugar” by Trick Daddy What Your Little Sister Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Wow, you’re a pussy.” You’ll Like This if You Like: Waking up after a night of drinking and thinking back on all the regretful late-night drunk food you consumed before going to bed—like a large sausage pizza and an order of Cinna Stix from Domino’s. Food Pairing Suggestion: Scrambled eggs, bacon and a fresh-out-of-the-oven cinnamon roll with an unnecessary amount of creamy glaze. Mix it With: NOT APPLE JUICE, KELLY

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College Hipster Loses Faith in Animals By: Brian Barsotti Every time a piece of particularly bad news breaks, students nationwide must declare to the world that their faith in humanity is effectively lost . Chris Tinley, a University of Illinois hipster who is known by the Twitter handle @ironicirony, asserts that losing faith in humanity is “way too mainstream” for his taste anymore. He stated that unlike other college students who easily lose their faith in humanity, he has moved beyond that and has instead lost faith in animals. “Everybody always says they’ve lost their faith in humanity whenever something stupid gets posted on Facebook,” explained Tinley. “They’re so quick to write off all hope for the human race, just because of some shit they saw on Tumblr. Well, to hell with you and whatever your level of faith in humanity is. It’s all overrated anyway.” As Tinley articulated, animals are much more ignorant than humans are. “Sure, there are people in the world whose actions are so outlandishly stupid or evil that you may wonder how human civilization has survived with them, but those individuals are the exceptions,” Tinley said. “Most people are generally reasonable and well-intentioned.” Tinley then began listing animals—ants, buffalo, hippos—that he considered “really fucking stupid.” “So how about we call animals out on their bullshit for a change?” Tinley said. “I mean, birds are idiots. They have absolutely no consideration for other animals’ sleep schedules. I thought that almost every living creature on Earth was in agreement that 4:30 in the morning was a time for rest, but evidently birds didn’t get the memo. They’re worse than my asshole neighbors who blast heavy metal before lunch.” “And what’s this I hear about dolphins being smart animals? They’re not smart. They can go anywhere in the ocean, yet somehow, those guys get their jaws trapped in those little plastic 6-pack soda can rings. How the hell can so many dolphins make that mistake if they’re not moronic?” Tinley clarified that he does not hate animals, nor does he wish ill upon them. He merely expressed his cynical attitude that the animal kingdom is doomed for failure, if they can’t get their act together soon. “Animals are

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living such a shallow existence and they’re always doing what they’re told, blindly following orders,” Tinley said. “None of them ever stop to think and ask questions. If you ask me, animals are all just a bunch of sheep. Especially sheep. They’re the worst.” We human beings may not always behave intelligently, but animals have us beat when it comes to stupidity, according to Tinley. “A squirrel will plant an acorn and forget where he put it 20 minutes later,” Tinley said. “A human will not, I can tell you that.”


Continued from the cover Nightlife and Entertainment: Champaign may be the side of campus known for its lively weeknights and strip of bars along Green Street, but don’t be too quick to write off the other side of the proverbial tracks. Urbana is known for its “Around the World” house party series where private residences along Orchard Street invite strangers over to share a bit of their culture. These residents usually provide a traditional meal from their homeland along with some sort of alcoholic beverage or tea. The most popular house on the crawl is home to three nefarious Japanese expatriates who greet their guests with complimentary sake bombs and finish the night with bouts of Sumo wrestling and early-morning screaming matches littered with abrasive swearing at the South Korean neighbors next door. No reservations necessary; just drop in some time after dark and make sure no one else follows you. They’ll know if you’ve been followed. If the party scene is less your jam, consider joining up with one of the many roaming bands of street toughs that enforce Urbana’s sixteen-years-and-running martial law; just be sure to join up before sundown, when it’s open hunting season on the unaffiliated. The Maroons are widely considered by Urbana aficionados to be the gang easiest to fall in line with, having only a violent three-hour hazing ritual that includes several branding irons and a mallet shaped like Chewbacca’s face. But the best bang for your buck—from this author’s point of view, at least—is to cast your dice with the Snake Eyes. This ravenous band of grade-school drop-outs will quickly fall in line behind any college student with a fake ID willing to purchase them a few handles of cheap scotch, but you best make sure another with a bigger spending limit on daddy’s credit card doesn’t swing by; we’d tell you to ask Tristan Carter what goes down then, but he’s not out of his coma yet.

And who could forget Urbana’s eclectic music scene, with engaged residents listening to everything from mild indie ballads to loud, angsty indie that slowly transitions into dubstep? Local DJ/recording artist Vermilious Flatts is always up for shows at private homes, as long as it doesn’t interfere with his nightly performances at Canopy Club on Goodwin. His current project he’s working on—Voices of the Urbana Nights—features authentic sounds from students living in the town. Flatts drives around the neighborhood in his silver 2002 Ford Focus with a state-of-theart listening device, the SuperEar 500x, and records distant sounds from inside the nearby houses. Currently his compilation contains 15 minutes of sensual moaning and bed creaking, a section of the track her refers to as “Pornstep,” which will be available on iTunes in time for the Christmas holiday. Daytime Attractions: Something that cannot be missed is the Urbana Crowning Ceremony. Fortified against the aforementioned roaming hoodlums, this civilized enclave hosts a weekly fight to the death that involves randomly selected residents (although they’re mostly volunteers) who participate in gladiatorial combat unlike any you’ve seen before. The winner is crowned Urbana’s King or Queen for a week and receives a $50 gift certificate to the Urbana Fancy Nailz Salon and an all-inclusive trip to Springfield, Illinois, to shake hands with Secretary of State Jesse White and every member of his tumbling team. This monarch is allowed to enact whatever policies he or she wishes for the given week, as long as they do not alter the traditional Urbana Crowning Ceremony. When this writer ventured over, we were surprised to find Urbana natives circling the meth stash imported for the week by King Santah VII. Only hint: You win, you have to defend your crown the next week. For those who prefer a more intellectual experience,

The Wilson Family Museum sits on the edge of campus and is home to approximately 45,000 shitty old artifacts (literally, there are 45,000 artifacts that have been covered in human feces, for art’s sake). Currently their featured exhibits include “Farm Tools: Urbana’s History of Sexual Torture” and “Grandma’s Pockets: 50 Things She Probably Has in Her Pants Right Now.” Both exhibits are interactive, because your grandma doesn’t have a whole lot else to do. For the holidays, the museum will be adding a more festive exhibit titled “Things We Stole from the Set of Elf,” which will include a few empty bottles of syrup and a male dwarf in an elf suit that’s made for a midget. Admission is free to the museum, but donations are always

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accepted—either monetary or in the form of an old book you really think is worth reading or talking about for forty minutes. And that’s really it… After much investigation, it seems as though Urbana has something for everybody… especially if you’re into murder porn. But seriously, check out the area. Maybe you’ll actually find a nice place to post up in for the next year. And if you decide you hate your place the first week in, we heard those Japanese sake bomb dudes are looking to fill an empty room in their unfurnished basement.


INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR

The Black Sheep Interviews: Indie Director Todd Sklar

By: Brendan

“Film director,” you think flashing lights, red carpet treatment, the power to just…Steve if you don’t get this take right you are finished in this town, do you hear me?! Not so fast, what about those directors still hauling themselves up one rung of the Hollywood ladder at a time? Todd Sklar is one of these indie directors, and with his recent release, Awful Nice, making the rounds, we decided to chat with him to see what the life of an up-and-coming director is actually like.

Todd: It’s definitely destroys any ability to have a normal life. If you want to be doing it, it’s all-encompassing. It’s bad. You’re always doing work, thinking about doing work, finding work, doing work to get more work, if you’re not working you feel like you’re wasting time… Any career where you’re in a situation where you’re pursuing something outside of that nine-to-five, you have to work nonstop to get there, whether it’s a start-up, even an athlete. It’s all-encompassing if you want to be good.

The Black Sheep: You were a college student who dropped out to pursue a career in film, what was the impetus for that? Todd Sklar: I had an absolute blast in college. I loved it. I probably didn’t work hard enough studying, but I’d say I used most of what I’d learnt in college—both inside the classroom and out—after I left the University of Missouri. It helped me in the career I chose, but also helped refine what I wanted to do in that career. It was finding passion in filmmaking, and realizing the career I was looking towards was not one you typically go to college for, then landed a job after. I should note that this was halfway through my fifth year of college—I was a fifth-year senior when I recognized that a degree in theater acting would not help me become a filmmaker.

TBS: You say you fell into directing to better convey your writing vision, how do you balance working with people, but getting across the vision you set for yourself? Todd: I don’t know. I’ve only done a few features, I don’t know if I’ve figured that out yet, because in my experience, I’ve had great people and horrible people. The great people, they’re doing things and helping you through things that are so big, that these talented people help you make your ideas better. It’s incredible. I’ve had the other side too, people who are miserable to work with that and extremely unable to do the job they’re supposed to do. In that case it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but you can’t do it any better either. It’s very dependent on the people you’re working with. It’s more about them than it is about you.

TBS: How do you get to the point where you’re directing your own films? Todd: I started making shorts, trying to learn how to make movies. I made a lot of bad ones for a while. I made like, fifteen horrible, horrible short films before I made one that was kind of good. I made my second one that was okay, and it was so much work I decided I wanted to make a feature next. After that, I had an idea that was a feature, I was 23 at the time, I watched 3 movies a night with DVD commentary. I gave it a go to see how it works. It was a learning experience—you learn while you’re doing it. TBS: What does a director do, exactly? Todd: I come from a different background than a lot of directors. I never wanted to be a director, I always wanted to be a storyteller, and writing always comes first. Directing, for me, is making sure what comes out is the story that we wrote. As a result, I’m very much an actors’ director. All you’re doing is trying to get a bunch of other people to do things with you and for you, to get your story across. Usually you’re doing that because you can’t do what they do. If I knew how to get great sound, I could do it, but there’s a guy who is doing it because he’s better at it than I am. He can elevate my results. It’s a pretty humbling, and uh, terrible job. TBS: How all-encompassing is what you’re doing?

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR

TBS: Your new movie, Awful Nice, how did that change or mature over the span of the creative process? Todd: It changed drastically. We did not have a very good shoot on this movie and the final movie is a shell of the script we wrote. In a weird way it became its own movie when we were shooting it, and again when we were editing it. The movie came out with a lot more physical comedy, a lot quicker, punchier than the script. Films, in a lot of ways, become indicative of what you’re going through at the time, and this film in specific, I was going through some growing pains, and the movie reflects that. TBS: Are there benefits to sticking in the indie genre, or is it more people do this so they can go to a studio? Todd: For me, the stories I’m interested in telling and the style I’m interested in telling them tend towards mainstream commercial sensibilities. To be able to transition from independent filmmaker to studio filmmaker you either need to have a lot of confidence and trust in people you’ll be working with, or you have to have a complete lack of care for your story, or it has to be about your career, or you have to be obsessed with the technical side of things. For me, I’m not a technically gifted filmmaker, so transitioning from an independent filmmaker to a studio filmmaker has a lot to do with confidence in myself as a filmmaker. I’ve had an opportunity for studio work, but it’s not something I’m dying to do quite yet.


INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR TBS: And speaking of the difference between studio and indie movies, with Awful Nice, you have a pretty big star in Christopher Merloni. Were you concerned at all with if or how he’d pull weight? Todd: All of my problems thus far with filmmaking has come from crew, not from the actors. There’s very much this level of professionalism—I’ll say this: When you have trouble with actors, they’re not invested in the project. In Awful Nice, all of the actors were invested in the project, and they were so helpful in covering up some chaos created by the crew. Very fortunate to have actors like that, and Merloni specifically was exceptionally helpful, not just as an actor, but as a mentor, a guy who came in and gave notes in a script that had nothing to do with his character.

“For me, there’s

two goals:

To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story.”

TBS: How do you deal with outside criticism, both positive and negative? Todd: You have to take it with a grain of salt. But, for me, there’s two goals: To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story. So, both positive and negative criticism help better that process by letting you know what you did well, or if someone’s critiquing something, it can tell you what you could be doing better, or where you may have failed story-wise. TBS: Is this a good time, historically, for someone who wants to get involved in moviemaking to do so? Todd: It’s the best time in the history of our existence to be doing this. At the same time, I think the danger to that is that it’s something you can do for a while before you realize it’s not what you want to be doing. I equate it to joining the army. I assume that if you join the Army, you’ll figure out pretty quickly whether or not it’s for you. Filmmaking isn’t like that. Especially nowadays, there’s so many ways to work that you can do it for five or ten years before you realize it’s not for you. There’s such a low barrier of entry, that there’s also such a low barrier to getting more deeply involved with it. The playing field has leveled out quite a bit. TBS: On IMDB a user named JonCharbineux writes, “Todd and Alex came home with my one of my roommates, who was trying to get laid, but they ditched her and stayed up watching die hard with me our other roommate until about 4am. We made ice cream pancakes and popped in Die Hard 2 and I passed out shortly after. When I woke up the next morning, Todd was in my bed and Alex was in Ben’s (my other roommate) and we were both on the couch. We found out later that they stole a bunch of our beer and a box of trisquits. WTF? “ Care to comment? Todd: Wow, when did that happen? That definitely sounds like something I’d do, but not recently. When was this written? TBS: April 2010. Todd: Oh yeah, I know exactly who that is, and yes, that did happen. 2010 was a weird year for everyone.

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR


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Society of Mole People Found in Underground Tunnels By: Ben Bicardi This past weekend two freshmen exploring the notorious steam tunnels that run underneath campus came across something extraordinary. “We weren’t quite sure what we were seeing,” said Alex Tomlov. “After trying to communicate with them, we knew what we were dealing with was subhuman.” According to Tomlov, what they found was an underground society of mole people. “They were exactly what you would expect a mole person to look like,” Tomlov said, somewhat distraught. “They were like humanoid, naked mole rats who could speak some broken English. Some of them had darker complexions than others. They were just down there eating copies of The Daily Illini and yelling at each other in a foreign tongue. It was quite remarkable.” In an effort to find these mole people, The Black Sheep went into the tunnels to investigate. When we got there, we were not disappointed. Hundreds of mole people were huddled around, digging, eating and talking. Just as Tomlov had

said, they were like naked mole rat humanoids, but that description was not enough to describe their sheer offensiveness. Many had bubbly puss coming out of holes in their skin and several were foaming at the mouth. They mostly smelled like urine, and their eyes were dark black holes. We tried to talk with them, but it was not very easy. Fortunately for us, the little English that they do speak helped us get in contact with who we assumed was their leader. We tried to find out as much about them as possible, so we asked a few questions. “Why you here? Why you here?” asked the head mole man, who had some sort of red liquid too translucent to be blood dripping out of the corner of his eyelid. When we explained why we were there, they showed little interest in talking, but he reluctantly explained, “We no like people like you. We be here for years but never get see. We no come up but for blue.”

That last sentence was very confusing, and when we pressed him to find out what he meant he could only say one thing: “Kam.” Slowly and softly behind him, the other mole people of the tunnels started to rise and eerily chant the word: “Kam. Kam. Kam.” Interested, we looked around the tunnels and found a bunch of empty white plastic cups with blue remnants inside of it. As it turns out, people have been bringing their Blue Guys from Kam’s into the underground tunnels during their walks home and when they spill the mole men almost instinctively rise to the surface to lick it up. “Blue good, blue make good feel,” said one of the mole men, rubbing his stomach. His tongue, a mix of light blue from the Blue Guys and green from something leaking off of the top of his mouth, could not go unnoticed. After our visit, we talked with Tomlov again.

disgusting beings who have a bunch of things seeping out of their bodies. It’s quite gross, but incredible to see. The thing that shocked me the most was that they had names for each other.”

“They really didn’t want to see me,” said Tomlov. “They’re alcohol-loving,

This was one thing that we had not noticed in our first exploration, so we went

back down in the tunnels and brought the mole people Blue Guys in the hopes that they might be friendlier towards us. They did not seem to remember us, and this is assumed to be because their brains are not as advanced as normal human beings. Actually, they’re a lot like communications majors.

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madlib I was on my way to ___1___ , sipping a

___2___ double-whipped, non-fat ___3___ latte or something, and I decided to pick up the Bible for college girls: Cosmo. ___4___ is on the cover and I love her! Her ___5___ is perfect and, personally, I don’t think she has a ___6___ problem, but if she does, who cares? Right away I flipped to the embarrassing stories section because it’s crazy how crazy they are!!! There was a story of a girl who ___7___ ed on a first date! You couldn’t make that shit up!!! They were ___8___ -deep in some end1: Academic Building 2: Size 3: Italian word 4: Has-been celebrity 5: Body part

Flipping through cosmo less ___9___ and ___10___ and then right A flipped through the sex tips, which said there, on the waitress, boom. No one got that using ___16___ and my ___17___ to give a ___18___ to a guy would make him laid that night. really like me. I’m skeptical. Then there was Then there’s the beauty section, which had something about the ___19___ ___20___ a list of ___11___ face masks. Who knew -___21___ position and I was like, whoa. that rubbing that all over my ___12___ Can’t I get more embarrassing stories up in would make it shinier? Who knew you even here? wanted that shinier? There was also a guide to choosing the right color of ___13___ for Lastly there was a column about making your skin tone. They said ___14___ would ___22___ , which I totally clipped and put on my mini-fridge! be perfect for my ___15___ ? Uhm, okay.

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Illinois - Issue 13 - 11/13/2013  

Illinois - Issue 13 - 11/13/2013

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