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Quiz: Who is Your TV Star Best Buddy? Kitty Kat, I’ve been really bummed out lately because my parents won’t let me have an E-mail address. All my friends have one and get to send each other messages in hot pink Comic Sans. I feel really left out. How do I convince mom and dad that I’m responsible enough to go on our dial-up by myself and not talk to strangers? Sincerely, Snail Mail Sally

Dear Sally, Ugh, that is totally the worst. Until recently, I was in the same pickle as you. And now that I do have my own E-mail address, nine times out of ten someone’s on the phone and I can’t get onto AOL even if I wanted to! I think the best thing to do is to sit your parents down and show them you’re a good kid in whatever way you can. Maybe show them your most recent report card? Your perfectly organized Lisa Frank trapper keeper? Your Beanie Baby collection with all the tags still intact? It takes a lot of sucking up, but it will eventually pay off. You also need to express your knowledge about Internet safety. Luckily, we have a great article this week covering the topic that you should totally check out and memorize wordfor-word. Make your parents aware that you’re not going to go in wacky Nickelodeon chat rooms or post on message boards about newly released scented gel pens because those places are swarming with strangers who totally want to meet and take your pants off. All you want to do is tell your best friend Jill about your day at school and maybe play a round or two of Tetris. It’s totally harmless! You can even have mom and dad help you set up your account. Find a username and password you can all agree on so they feel more comfortable giving you freedom and can check up on your messages if they get a little worried. They’ll have to give in at some point. What do they expect you to do? Call people on the phone whenever you want to talk? As if!

1) After a long day at school, the first thing you want to do is: a) Get your homework done right away so you have the rest of the night to relax. b) Hang out at your girlfriend’s house to paint your nails and gossip. c) Play some basketball and eat cheeseburgers with your guy friends. d) Egg the house of that girl who spilled fruit punch on your new shoes. 2) You see a super-cute sequined top at the mall that you just can’t afford, so your best friend Jessica steals it for you and runs out of the store. You: a) Grab something you’d know she’d like and run out after her. b) Chase her down and convince her to bring it back and tell the truth. c) Not say anything but accept the shirt when she gives it to you. d) Leave the mall and never talk to her again. 3) What’s your favorite subject in school and why? a) Gym, because dodgeball is the best sport ever. b) Math, because you can make funny faces out of the numbers! c) Art, because you can splatter paint and make anything you want! d) History, because there’s always a cool story to discover. 4) If someone gave you a million dollars, would you eat a bucket of worms? a) Only one bucket?! I’d eat 20 buckets! b) Only if the worms were drenched in grape soda! c) Probably not. I’d feel bad. That’s a lot of money for just a bucket of worms… d) Worms are gross. They’d have to be cleaned … like, a lot.

5) You had plans to go to the park with your friends, but your mom insists you take your little brother along. You: a) Throw a fit until you get your way, and your little brother has to stay at home. b) Feel a little bummed out but bring him along anyway so he doesn’t feel left out. c) Bring your brother with but use him as the football in your game of catch. d) Let him come with but ignore him the whole time because your friends are so much cooler. 6) Did you cry during The Lion King? a) How could you not?! That movie was so sad. Poor Simba. ): b) Nah, because I couldn’t stop laughing at those goofy hyenas. c) I was too busy throwing popcorn at the people in the seats in front of me. d) A little bit, but don’t tell anyone. 7) What’s your favorite piece of clothing? a) Denim overalls, every day! b) My trusty Phillies jersey. c) My sweatpants that look like something MC Hammer would wear. d) My funky striped neon and pink knee-high socks! Super hip! 8) What do you want to be when you grow up? a) Not a real job, that’s for sure! I want my own TV show where I can just go crazy! b) Maybe a teacher. I’ve had a really great one for a few years who has totally changed my life. c) A burger flipper at a super delicious restaurant. d) A stand-up comedian because I love making people laugh.

8-15 Points: Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World

15-24 Points: Kenan Thompson from Kenan & Kel

25-32 Points: Amanda Bynes from The Amanda Show

There’s no friend like Corey! He will always have your back, even in the most difficult situations. He has strong morals and his head on straight, so mom and dad will never have a problem with him coming over to visit. He’s like the brother you never had!

Kenan can be a little silly, but he’s always there to keep Kel in line, and he’ll do the same for you. He’s a loyal guy but won’t lie to you if you ask if your denim overalls look bad that day. He’s guaranteed to cheer you up if you’re feeling down, and what’s a better quality in a friend than that?!

Amanda’s a bit of a wild child and is your go-to goof when you wanna let loose. She’s always up for late-night pizza and funky, new hair colors. She’ll bring out the adventure in your life and always leave you guessing. Make sure you stick by her side if you wanna feel like you’re the life of the party.

Good luck, Kitty Kat

answer key!

1. A=1, B=3, C=2, D=4 • 2. A=4, B=1, C=3, D=2 • 3. A=2, B=3, C=4, D=1 • 4. A=4, B=3, C=1, D=2 5. A=4, B=1, C=2, D=3 • 6. A=1, B=3, C=4, D=2 • 7. A=2, B=1, C=3, D=4 • 8. A=4, B=1, C=3, D=2


PG. 5

TOP TRENDS

YOU CAN’T MISS THIS SUMMER! Before you totally rock out this summer to, like, your favorite jams on the radio, you have to look completely rad! Scrunchies and leggings are SO last season. If you want to be in, follow our hippest top trends of the summer. By Sammie Sea!

What It Is: Sweaters Tied Around the Waist Why We Love It: There’s nothing worse than having a night out on the town when a sudden cold front swoops in and you don’t have a jacket. Even worse is when you do bring a jacket but get stuck holding it the rest of the night. That’s why we have to give snaps for the latest trend in America. A sweater tied around your waist has become totally boss overnight, and it’s easy to see why. Tying your neon windbreaker across your waist gives you total accessibility when you need it, and you’ll still look totally fresh!

What It Is: Dungarees with One Strap Down Why We Love It: Whether they’re long pants or shorts, dungarees are a fashionably carefree option this summer. As seen on 7th Heaven and on the boys of ‘N SYNC, the unisex nature of dungarees makes them completely wicked. Their best feature, however, is the flawless transition from casual to polished simply by wearing both straps on your shoulders. You can totally rock these if you’re just shooting some b-ball outside of the school or re-watching Jurassic Park for the hundredth time. If you really want to look loqued-out, we suggest Guess brand overalls. As if you would be caught dead in anything else!

What It Is: BFF Necklaces Why We Love It: The stresses of school can make you totally go postal without you buggin’ out about who your true friends are. Friendship jewelry is a chic way to accessorize and keep track of your latest BFF. Each necklace is handcrafted and unique to each pair of besties. The two halves of the necklace symbolize that you’re only complete when you’re both together. Special tri-BFF necklaces have been made as well, but anything more than two is mega uncool and will likely cause a battle of the besties. With a BFF necklace, you’ll always have the perfect accessory, as you can never, ever take it off without forfeiting the friendship.

so cu te! s o SM ART!

What It Is: Unbuttoned Flannel with Graphic Tee or Band Tee (Or Both, It’s the 90s!) Why We Love It: Kurt Cobain’s shirt may have said “Grunge is Dead,” but it’s very much alive on our charts. Currently, the hottest fashion trend for men is an acceptably unkempt look, complete with thrift store flannels and a prewrinkled t-shirt. The antisocial nature of this style skyrockets it to the top of our “Must Have” trends because it’s down-to-earth, truly authentic and so anti-corporate. Even at first glance, people will give you mad respect for your laid-back style and resistance to sellout to the mainstream neon and pop radio trends. This practical style is extremely durable and lets you focus on, like, what’s really going on in life outside of what corporate America tells you! The grunge look is so out, it’s in.

What It Is: Platform Flip-Flops Why We Love It: This style is a great way to be casual and flirtatious at the same time. Platform flip-flops give you all the height of heels with the fun of beachwear, which results in seemingly sexy long legs. More importantly, these shoes can be worn with any outfit you have, ranging from your favorite crushed velvet dress to jean skorts. Heels can be BRUTAL and way uncomfortable during hot days. Platform flip-flops are way existential, giving you total stability so you won’t ever have to worry about like, twisting your ankle! Ouch!

a MUST have!

What It Is: Fanny Pack Why We Love It: Traditional purses accessorize and add flair to any outfit, but can be a hassle when you’re constantly on the go. Following the same trend as sweaters around the waist, fanny packs attach your purse to your hips, making it a more practical way to carry around all of your things. Fanny packs offer a TON of space with specialized compartments for everything you absolutely need, from your pager to your favorite shade of brown lipstick. Faux leather fanny packs have emerged as the most popular of fabrics as it gives a more chic, polished look while still being radically animal friendly. We can’t imagine these bad boys ever being out of style!

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PG. 6

Y B A B E I BEAN

FEVER

ENCE L O I V O T S LEAD LLI ABE BY: DAN MIR

A woman was stabbed with keys to a Dodge Caravan last Sunday when a disagreement over a Nana the Monkey Beanie Baby erupted into an all-out brawl at a local Toys“R”Us. Although the wound only required two stitches, the incident shined a light on the darker side of a craze that has taken the nation by storm. “I heard that Nana had been discontinued, so I hopped in my car and sped over to the toy store,” explained Paige Williams, the victim of the stabbing. “I ran in and saw there was only one more Nana on the shelf but just as I grabbed it, another woman reached for it as well.” That other woman was Becky Hamilton, a Tae Bo instructor and mother of two. Reports from eyewitness accounts vary, and it's unclear which woman attacked first. The fight was finally broken up after it became clear that Williams had been stabbed in the thigh with Hamilton’s keys. Both women await trial next month, and it’s rumored the spat may even be featured on an episode of Judge Judy. However, the occurrence of violence over Beanie Babies is not an isolated incident. There have been reports of violence over the popular collectables ever since the introduction of Quackers the Duck (with wings) in 1995, when an employee at Card and Party Outlet was attacked by a mob as he attempted to stock a shelf. The teenager was found 6 hours later tied up in a utility closet and gagged with a Morrie the Eel. The introduction of Beanie Babies as a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has only increased the violence that the plastic pellet-packed plushes have left in their wake. McDonald’s restaurants across the country have been experiencing hour-long lines, along with patrons buying Happy Meals, re-

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moving the toy and throwing entire meals away as the homeless watch. Last September Gabe Wright, a McDonald’s employee, had his life threatened by a Beanie Baby fanatic. “A customer grabbed me by the tie and nearly pulled me over the counter,” Wright recalled. “He whispered, 'Put Patti the Platypus in my kid’s meal or I’ll shove a Goldie the Goldfish so far up your ass you’ll...'” Wright broke down into tears. “It’s all coming back. The lines, the late nights, screaming, oh the screaming!” yelled Wright. The creator of Beanie Babies, Ty Warner, has made many public statements regarding the violence surrounding the Beanie Babies. “I could’ve never imagined that our plush toys would lead to people getting hurt,” stated Warner. Although Warner cannot physically stop the violence, he has other reparations in mind. “In memory of the people that have been victims of Beanie Baby violence, we are releasing a limited edition Beanie Baby named Internal Bleeding Ian the Bear,” Warner said. Internal Bleeding Ian will be available for six months and will be retired in September. There's no telling how long the Beanie Baby craze will last, but most signs point to it continuing through the decade and into the next millennium. Experts have even predicted that some of the rarest Beanie Babies, such as Spot the Spotless Dog, will eventually be worth tensof-thousands of dollars. Many hope that the violence will subside, but with that much money surrounding the plushes it may be unrealistic to expect consumers to begin acting more civil.


PG. 7

HOW TO STAY SAFE

IN CYBERSPACE RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS As you probably know, surfin’ the web is wicked cool. There’s so much to do, from playing awesome online games to catching up on current events. But beware: The Internet can be dangerous sometimes. What’s the dealio with that, man? But don’t worry, we’ve got some stylin’ tips to keep you safe on the Cyberspace without losing your cool factor and looking like a total Skeeter. DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS: If you’re on a message board talking about something rad like Space Jam, that’s fine! But if a user that you don’t recognize starts chatting with you directly, make sure that you don’t share any personal details. Chances are, the stranger is trying to get your personal information to either a.) steal your identity or b.) penetrate you. And you don’t want that, now do you? DO YOU? If a conversation starts getting a little racy, immediately close the window and keep playing Tetris. You may be tempted by the potential opportunities this encounter may have for you. You may be enticed by the notion of strangers wanting to talk to you, yes, you. You consider that this guy could be like, a total hunk. But please, continue playing Tetris. Ignore the temptation. Ignore it. Ignore it! BE CAREFUL ON IM: AIM can be a lot of fun—chatting with friends is always rad! However, you can’t always be certain that the person you’re talking to is being honest with their identity. Even if you think that the dude you’re chatting with is a personal friend, do a security check. Try having a codeword that you guys share at the beginning of each conversation. Or, ask each other security questions that only you two would know about each other. What’s your pet’s name? What’s your favorite food? What’s your address? What’s your social security number? Do you remember that time I pushed you down the stairs? Yes or no?! If the facts match up, then carry on! If not, you can tell them to talk to the hand. If you have any doubts whatsoever, continue playing Tetris. Tetris will never betray you. Tetris loves you. DON’T FORGET ABOUT E-MAIL (ELECTRONIC MAIL): You’ve got mail ... NOT! Be wary of emails from unknown addresses, since they could contain unpleasant viruses. These viruses will be disguised as convincing offers that claim to give you money or prizes or existential understanding or something

along those lines. Just remember: No one wants to award you an extravagant cruise. That Nigerian prince doesn’t actually need immediate cash. No one wants to give you free money to fix your bunions, mostly because no one gives a darn crap about your bunions! And definitely don’t fall for any “enlargement” spiels you may receive (ew!). All of these anonymous senders are actually trying to infect your computer and thus halt your pending mastery of Tetris. E-MAIL (ELECTRONIC MAIL), CONTINUED: You may have noticed that if you search enough in the depths of Hotmail, you’ll find a “spam” folder. Don’t touch anything in your spam folder. It will kill you instantaneously. And you can’t play Tetris when you’re dead. It’s just not the same. KEEP PLAYING TETRIS: Internet friends come and go, but Tetris is forever!!! Now that you’ve got all the information you need to stay A-OK, you’re ready to be the most funky fresh (and prepared!) ‘90s kid on the block. It’s go time!

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PG. 8

LANCE BASS!

THE MOST DATABLE ‘N SYNC STUD

Ladies, listen up! We all know that the boys of ‘N Sync are totally irresistible— they’re mega talented, super sweet and ultra-hot—but ultimately, you develop a major crush on just one of them. You love them all, but only one of them really holds that special place in your heart. Some of us prefer JC, the sexy and shy type who totally reminds us of the boy next door. Maybe you have the hots for Justin (after all, his bleached Jheri curl is so fly right now). Even funky, creative Chris Kirkpatrick has all the girls in the art studio swooning. Now, we don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, but Sheep Beat has conducted a super in-depth and accurate personality assessment to decide once and for all which of ‘N Sync’s eligible bachelors makes for the best boyfriend material. We measured how cute, sensitive, funny and smart they each are, and our calculations show that one of the guys is head and shoulders above the

competition when it comes to who we want standing next to us at prom. Sorry Justin lovers! The ‘N Sync member with the highest score, making him the most compatible for any girl out there, is Lance Bass! That’s right—Lance’s perfect combination of sex appeal, mystery and sensitivity makes him the hottest catch for any lady lucky enough to grab his attention. He’s the kind of sweet, down-to-earth and fashionable guy you won’t have any problems introducing to mom and dad. He may not always be the band’s leading man—we’ll leave that to Justin and JC— but Lance’s low, soothing voice keeps the group’s harmonies grounded. We’ll let him lull us to sleep anytime he wants, if he ever gets a break from his busy schedule of touring, recording and making appearances on TRL. As if! The best part is that he’s single and very ready to mingle. Out of all of the ‘N Sync

ALL ABOUT LANCE!

guys, he’s definitely the most timid when it comes to dating girls. Most of us agree that his shyness just makes him that much cuter! In fact, we’ve never seen him with any girl at all, and if his super-Christian background tells us anything, that probably means he’s saving himself for a very special lady. “He’s, like, the best wingman you could possibly imagine,” said Joey Fatone when we called him up to get the band’s take on Lance. “He’s always talking us way up to all the ladies. You know, stuff to the ladies like ‘Joey’s so funny’ and ‘Justin’s such a great singer’ and ‘JC has such a hot, rockin’ body that I’d be mad jealous of anyone lucky enough to get up on’ and stuff like that. He’s the best.” But Joey’s not the only ‘N Sync member who’s glad to have Lance on board their tour bus. “Lance helps me pick out all of my crazy outfits. I don’t know what I’d do with-

out him,” said Chris. “Yeah, and he’s a really good listener,” JC added. “Plus, he’s my go-to guy after every concert,” said Justin. “I’ll be so stressed and sweaty, and he always gives me a great massage to help calm me down. We’re talking deep-tissue. Man, I love him.” When we met up with Lance, a man of very few words, he just smiled and sheepishly thanked us for the title. No, Lance— on behalf of all of our readers—thank you. BONUS! As part of the personality assessment that helped us name Lance the Most Datable ‘N Sync Stud, we had all of the guys fill out a quick survey so we could get to know them better. As a special treat to any of you ladies crushing hard on Lance, we’ve released his answers to the quiz. See how compatible you are with him—he may end up tearin’ up your heart someday soon. By Strawberry Shortcock

Favorite Color: Mauve Favorite Food: German bratwurst Favorite Sport: Wrestling or Speedskating Celeb Crush: Mariah or Whitney. Diva-off! Musical Influences: The impeccable Liza Minnelli First Kiss: “It was at a football game. So awkward! I can’t even talk about it.” Favorite TV Show Character: Buffy the Vampire Slayer


POINT/COUNTERPOINT

TOTALLY TOP TEN! LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS

Things Only Real 80s Kids Would Get Kids today just don’t know how truly awful they have it in this decade. The so-called “90s kids” have missed out on what can only be described as the greatest decade of all time: the 1980s. So before today’s brats have the chance to get nostalgic about their childhoods, let’s look at why 80s kids just had it better. 10). John Hughes Understands More About Us Than We Do About Ourselves: Remember how awful high school was? We’re surprised we even got through it, but we did so with the guidance, heart and devastatingly real characters of Hughes’ films. Today we live by the words of The Breakfast Club, dread a family takeover because of Uncle Buck and we all still love, love, love that dreamboat Jake Ryan with all of the teenage angst in our hearts. 9). Michael Jackson is So Dreamy He Can Do No Wrong: He dances. He sings. He has great hair. And he dances. (Have you ever seen that dude dance?) He’s the cultural icon of icons and he will forever be #1 in our hearts as well as the music charts. (Dancing charts, too.) We really want to visit Neverland Ranch, seems like a chill place for a sleepover.

POKÉMON VS. DIGIMON History’s had its fair share of polarizing debates, from capitalism vs. communism and boxers vs. briefs. But now it’s time to face the facts and see who wins the decade’s most heated battle yet: pocket monsters or digital monsters? Two of our writers most passionately devoted to the Japanese battle monster craze duke it out to see whether Pokémon or Digimon will make it to the new millennium victorious. Tex Mex: Alright, this argument is already so one-sided that I’ll even neglect the fact that Pokémon flat-out came before Digimon. Since we’re talking about origins, let’s take a look at how these franchises started. For Pokémon, Nintendo published not just one, but two full-length RPGs for the Game Boy that I’ve already sank 250 hours into, excluding my Blue version. That’s 151 (if you’re a cheating, Game Shark-using bastard) fully developed, completely diverse pocket monsters at your disposal to take the world of Kanto on with. And thank God they stopped at 151, because I would hate to see Nintendo run out of ideas reaching the 700 mark. If we look at where Digimon started? Virtual pets. They were essentially an abortion of a Tamagotchi gone awry. Strawberry Shortcock: You’re really going to pull the “X came before Y, so X is better, SUCK IT” card? Pretty sure World War I came before World War II, and everyone knows WWII is the ultimate, most bad-ass war of all time. So talk to the hand, because that argument is so whack it doesn’t even deserve a rebuttal. Yeah, you may be right, Digimon are virtual pets, but everyone loves a Tamagotchi. AND EVERYONE LOVES PETS. That’s why dogs and cats and hermit crabs are so fucking popular. At least Digimon are actual companions. Pokémon are basically animal slaves forced to fight one another for money and entertainment. Once they’re done, they’re dragged back inside those cramped little Poké Balls, all scrunched up and probably dealing with major back problems. Digimon are treated as equals. Someone call the NAACP. Tex Mex: Well, someone clearly has never watched the anime that’s on five times a week at 7 a.m., conveniently right before I head to school. If you did watch the TV show, you’d see the bond that Ash has with his Pikachu when rushing it to

Viridian City after almost getting gangbanged by Spearows. Or what about the adoration Brock has toward his Vulpix, showing that he’s not afraid of his feminine side? Why do you think he’s been swimming in Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny pussy for over fifty episodes now? You know who treat his Pokémon like shit? Gary Oak. And what happened to him? Giovanni’s Mewtwo used Psychic and knocked him unconscious on his candy-ass. Digimon are too focused on tucking their blue, digital balls between their legs to have that kind of agency. Strawberry Shortcock: I don’t give a shit what time the show is on. Roseanne is also conveniently always on TV, but do I plop my ass down and watch it every goddamn day? No. I certainly don’t. Because it sucks. Just like Pokémon. Let’s just think logically for a second. Look at how they evolve, for example. In Pokémon, you’ve got uglyass animals evolving into slightly bigger, slightly less ugly-ass animals. Sometimes they’re not even animals. Sometimes it’s just a rock. Or a magnet. And what the hell is the Ditto made out of? (Spoiler alert: It’s cum.) Meanwhile, Digimon have cute, adorable designs when they’re little, and then they transform into glorious all-powerful monster beasts with kickass design and splendor galore. Agumon > Charmander, and Pikachu is nothing more than a yellowing, crusty rat. Tex Mex: Are you shitting me? Don’t even tell me that Digimon are even remotely “cute” when abominations like Numemon and Sukamon exist. The former has attacks that literally translate to “Poop,” “Poop Throw,” “Long-range Poop Throw,” and “Continuous Poop Throw.” The latter is designed like a literal piece of shit, and that’s without even acknowledging that “Sukamon” is derived from the word “scum.” Then again, maybe you’re the kind of guy who would gladly wait an hour for your weird, Japanese scat videos to buffer. I, on the other hand, will stick to easyto-load, classily drawn nudes of Misty, the other female gym leaders, maybe Jessie, and even a tastily-drawn Vaporeon. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t. We don’t really care what animated monsters you decide to creepily fetishize. As long as you aren’t into nerdy shit like Magic: The Gathering or that stupid Yu-Gi-Oh! thing coming around the corner.

8). Our Parties Aren’t Themed … We Just Call Them “Parties”: You guys have “80s Parties” and don’t even know how to party like us. It’s not just about neon, big hair and computerized rock music. It’s a lot more than that. Let me know when you posers find yourselves having promiscuous, unprotected sex in a ratty bar bathroom with a stranger who thinks this whole “HIV/AIDS” thing is just a government-propagated myth. If all of that takes place after the fact that you’ve just done more blow than even David Bowie would have admitted to, you know you have yourself a real 80s party. 7). Cassette Walkmans are the ONLY Walkmans to Us: So compact discs are becoming a bigger thing with kids these days … BIG WHOOP. Do any of you know how ridiculous you look with those huge, saucer-looking CD Walkmans you’re lugging around? They can’t even fit in your pocket like a normal cassette player. And today’s audiophiles can boast all they want about “superior” quality and bit rates. 6). Def Leppard’s Font is the King of Fonts: Seriously, it’s the best font ever. So inventive. So metal. So hardcore and intimidating. Band fonts of today are all boring and plain, probably because of some whiny “typography doesn’t matter because the music should speak for itself” philosophy. Music should be defined by an image, and the borderline drag outfits and excessive hairspray of 80s rock definitely had one—a good one, too. 5). Bill Cosby Finally Got a Black Family on Television and They’re Better Than My Family: If you don’t like The Cosby Show you can kindly get out. Bill Cosby is the grandfather, godfather, weird uncle and king of comedy and funky sweaters. Every day watching his show, you feel a little bit better about yourself. And, oh my God, how is their house so nice? 4). The USA is Unstoppable When it Comes to International Hockey Domination: Screw the Soviets. Maybe if they hadn’t pansied out of the Cold War, they would have walked away with the big W instead of us. 3). Rushing Home to Play Nintendo Because Books are Dumb and Our Living Room is now an Arcade: When the original Nintendo came out, kids around the country went bonkers. We finally said goodbye to tokens and sticky arcade controllers and had our own video game parties in our basements complete with after-school snacks your best friend’s hot older sister. Mom and dad thought it rotted our brains and insisted we give that Mark Twain guy a chance but honestly mom, Mario is way more important. 2). Magic Johnson’s Having a Lot of Sex … He Should Slow Down: Erving “Magic” Johnson lays more pipe than a plumber. Safe sex is becoming a big thing; he should get on board and endorse that. Maybe get tested. 1). Madonna is the Baddest Bitch Out There: Sorry, but the Spice Girls ain’t got nothin’ on this queen of pop. Whether it’s fashion or vocal cords, Madonna leads the way. Let’s see if you’re all still talking about Posh Spice in twenty years.


PG. 10

Spice Girls Bailed on Concert Because Sporty Unsatisfied by CRCE To the surprise of fans across the student population, the Spice Girls ditched their University of Illinois concert hours before performance time. The group’s public relations team said the Girls cancelled because of “inadequate gym facilities for Sporty Spice.” “It’s like I’m a hamster who needs her wheel,” Sporty explained, in what our experts consider a pretty passable imitation of a British accent. “And I didn’t quite find that wheel at the university. Instead I found a rusty tire in the middle of a farm field.”

all the dirty blokes in there started

gawking at me The British all-girl group arrived early to Assembly Hall last Friday, wanting to get a sense of the vibe on campus. Sporty Spice quickly became impatient and demanded the tour bus take them to the nearest gym so she wouldn’t miss her daily workout routine. The bus dropped the band off in front of the CRCE gymnasium. All of the girls went in, but Baby Spice decided to stay behind, reportedly to continue being cute and bubbly on the bus for the sake of staying in character. When Sporty Spice got her first look at the gym, she was reluctant to enter. “It looked run-down, and the people jogging in Polo shirts and jeans were bloody disgusting. Ginger tried singing ‘Spice Up Your Life’ to cheer me up, but I just wanted to vomit. I wish I was back on set of Spice World.” The girls entered the building together, holding

hands, where they were greeted by a heavily pierced, Limp Bizkit-listening front entrance attendant who asked for campus identification. Sporty scoffed at the request and allegedly tried to scan her fake nail in protest instead. “That chick was terrifying,” the CRCE employee said. “And then that freaky monster-looking one started screaming at me in like, Australian or something. I just let them in so I didn’t have to deal with it.” After passing the security desk, Posh Spice headed directly to the locker room, wanting to check out the amenities. She was reportedly appalled when she found that the towels were starched and the soap did not smell like lavender. Upstairs, Scary again unleashed her inner beast, screaming at innocent patrons for not being more hyped about the concert. Sporty, however, went right to work. “I was working out for like, five seconds, and all the dirty blokes in there started gawking at me. Every single man in the gym was standing in the middle of the room with me, asking if I needed help with spotting. It was so desperate,” Sporty complained. Annoyed, she brushed off the dribbling manchildren and took out her Lisa Frank notebook to write down her reps. “It was utter madness,” Sporty said. “There were people on treadmills in denim overalls! Leaving one strap unhooked for ‘fashion’ is a complete workout hazard. Take a piece of metal to the eye, and then before you know it you’re the Scary Spice.” The real terror came while Sporty was doing push ups. ”She was on her tenth or eleventh rep and some guy looked at her and winked,” Scary explained. “She totally saw it and was about to smile back. But then

… the sweat. It dripped down from his hair … the frosted tips … he was sweating cheap hair dye. Disgusting.” ”That’s when I realized I wasn’t in Spice World anymore,” Sporty said sadly. Sporty screamed at the top of her lungs and sprinted out of the gym. On the bus, the girls allegedly played a tournament of rock, papers, scissors to decide if they should commit to the concert or not. Sporty won the tournament, prompting the group to leave Illinois until further notice. In the wake of this massive disappointment, the Illinois Student Senate proposed a project to build a bigger and better gym facility to ensure that such an embarrassing display of the university’s recreation centers would never repeat itself. An enthusiastic Christian on the board voted it be nicknamed the ARC, symbolizing the gym that would save the campus from future concert disasters. Construction on the ARC is expected to begin in the next few years. The Student Senate has hopes to remodel CRCE, too, even with some diehard Spice Girls fans arguing that it be outright demolished and never spoken of again. A couple of weeks after the gym fiasco, Sporty released a single remix of “Wannabe.” In it, she sings, “If you want to be my gym, you’ve got to get with my standards. My abs last forever but your sucky facilities never end.” Winnie Bago wrote this


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Wednesday 4/2

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Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

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Sunday 4/6

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O.J. SIMPSON ACCIDENTALLY STRETCHES LEATHER GLOVE, NOW FITS HAND SNUGGLY TEX MEX WROTE THIS Last night at around 8 p.m., O.J. Simpson was about to prepare his routine bath within his luxurious tub, lavishly decorated with lavender incense and busts of Leslie Nielsen leftover from the Naked Gun franchise. Before he added his favorite scent of Mr. Bubble soap, O.J. remembered that the nasty paper cut he had suffered earlier that day would incessantly sting upon lathering. To protect the wound, O.J. slipped on the comically tight leather glove from his murder trial that Judge Ito allowed the former football star to keep for being such a good sport about being accused of double-homicide and all that. After O.J. awoke from a lengthy nap in the tub, he had realized that he’d accidentally left the glove on in the water for too long, causing its fibers to stretch. To his surprise, the glove now fits, but who’s left to acquit?

clothing accessory I had so smugly struggled to wear just to make the prosecution look ridiculous,” said a noticeably shakenup O.J. still in his bathrobe. “But that’s when I ran a quick AOL keyword search on the issue, lo and behold, it turns out ‘double jeopardy’ isn’t something that Alex Trebek just pulled out of his ass! I guess I can technically take the glove off then with no worries, but … my God, it’s just so damn comfy!”

“At first, I panicked. Here I was, now fitting comfortably in a

Lead prosecutor Marcia Clark has been one of the most vocal

The American public has since become incredibly wary of the infamous crime scene glove fitting O.J.’s hand, especially with comments from the man himself such as, “I mean, how could you not gut someone when your hands feel so warm and silky smooth?” as well as, “Not saying I did it, but whoever did has great taste in accessorizing during a murder plot.”

opponents of O.J.’s new affinity for the once potentially incriminating glove. “I fucking knew it!” Clark exclaimed upon hearing the news. “I mean, legally speaking, the sonofabitch is safe because we can’t put him back on trial, but that’s not even what I’m the most pissed about. Do you know how famous that bastard Johnnie Cochran is for that stupid ‘If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ closing comment? Does anyone remember any of my badass lines of ace prosecution? Of course not, because none of them were shitty attempts at catchy Dr. Seuss rhymes.” Clark was later spotted yelling, “Looks like the glove fits, bitch!” in Cochran’s face. While the public has been divided as to whether or not O.J. was guilty or not, some of the most adamant proponents of his guiltiness are beginning to warm up to his acquittal based upon the opinion that “he just

looks so damn good in that glove.” Since then, O.J. has been featured on Gucci billboards to support their new “Cold-Blooded Killer of a Night on the Town” line of leather gloves with faded tints of red spattered amidst the material. The trend is starting to pick up in modern fashion in public as well, with many ditching their matching right gloves in order to fit in properly with the “football star gone bad boy” look. O.J.’s increasingly accepted trend is certainly spreading like a California wildfire, but alongside Clark, there are still several high profile public figures and celebrities who have been left with sour tastes in their mouth regarding the glove, not unlike the feeling people received after paying money to see The Naked Gun 33 1/3. “A HEE HEE,” complained pop star Michael Jackson on the acceptance of O.J.’s glove sensa-

tion. “JA, SHAMONE, AH just can’t believe that I basically did the same thing—HOO—with the single glove before O.J., and people thought that was cool then. I mean, I’m a controversial—UNGH DA DO DA DO DA DA HOO—celebrity too, and after my sex abuse trials, people thought I was weird for wearing just a single glove. Why does O.J. get to be acquitted and become a raging fashion success while I can’t even enjoy my dub—DO BA BADA BA HEE—my dubious—SHAMONE HA HOO—my

dubiously titled Neverland Ranch without my guests tattling on me all the time? It’s bad … shamone …” Love it or hate it, O.J.’s singleglove trend is here to say as the now culturally adored icon basks in the success of a bubble bath gone awry. O.J. won’t tell us what we can expect next from his newly-established clothing line, but industry analysts are predicting that ironically fingerless gloves might be next on the visionary’s list of glamorous excellence.


VITAL INFORMATON AARON NICEBOY WROTE THIS

A CALL TO STOP THE ONCOMING

Y2K APOCALYPSE

To My Dear Readers:

Only a few years down the line, when the clock strikes 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2000, all the world’s CPUs will fail. The hard drives will fail. Our ever-expanding dial-up Internet will fail. The glitch processing dynamics will fail. If all this technologic mumbo jumbo seems a bit too complicated for you, I’ll try to make it a bit simpler. You see, the Windows 95 we love today wasn’t meant to last into the new millennium. On January 1, 2000, the world will fall into a crumbling downward spiral of electrical pandemonium. Planes will freefall from the sky, digital bank accounts will be wiped, and everything with a microchip will be rendered unusable. Who knows how many things in this world rely on a microchip to function? Computers? Clocks? Puppies? The list goes on.

McDONALD’S HAPPY MEAL TOYS:

TRANSGENDER KID WANTS BEAUTY AND BEAST BY: SCOTTY G McDonald’s restaurants around the nation have started their new toy promotion for the animated movie, Beauty and the Beast. The restaurants saw major success when the toys were first issued during the movie’s release in 1991, but not long after the re-issued toys came in, McDonald’s ran into legal trouble. Elliot Meyers, a transgender 9-year-old, had a serious problem with the Happy Meal toy policy. “They had a toy for the Beauty that they only give to girls, and they had a toy for the Beast that they only give to boys,” said Elliot. “But they don’t have one for people like me. I want the Beauty and the Beast. It’s the only way that I can express myself.” Seventeen-year-old drive-thru attendant Michael Grabowski was the employee involved in the altercation. “Look, I don’t give a shit about the toys,” said Michael. “My manager said that I’m only allowed to give each kid one toy. He went on this big tangent about how if we give away one toy for free, then we have to give everyone a toy for free.” This isn’t the only time that children’s toys have caused problems. Pixar’s first movie, Toy Story, was another troublemaker. "I don't want my son playing with some sort of monster spaceman freak,” said Jeremy Rogers, father of two. “Am I supposed to just buy these things so they can run around my house without paying rent? I know what they get up to at night. I don't trust a crazy cowboy and astronaut making trouble in the middle of the night." In response to the complaints, McDonald’s restaurants removed the toys. That was not enough in the eyes of parents who demanded that the toys be destroyed. After the complaints piled up for weeks, they were

forced to take action by ritualistically burning the Woody, Buzz and Slinky toys in town squares. McDonald’s was only freed from grievances after the possibly living toys were put down. They also came under fire for their Genie toy from the movie Aladdin a few years ago. "What gender is the Genie supposed to be?” said Ernest Restrepo. “And what about its orientation? Is it straight or homosexual? These days, kids need clearly defined gender roles so they can grow up to have healthy family relationships. If we don't draw the line somewhere, our kids are going to grow up thinking that the gay lifestyle is acceptable and they’re all going to be wearing tutus and kissing one another. They might even try to impose their ungodly ways on the institution of marriage. Oh, who am I kidding? They'd probably have a better chance at legalizing reefer cigarettes." Very few of the Happy Meal toys have gone off without incident. One of the few successes was based on the movie The Shawshank Redemption. A wide array of toys were beloved by kids and parents alike. “My favorite is the tiny Bible with a the carved-out area for the rock hammer,” said Marge Tuck. “My husband prefers the tiny poster of Rita Hayworth. Our daughter prefers the little replica vinyl record of Mozart’s ‘Marriage of Figaro,’ and our son likes the warden’s shiny shoes. Those toys are really the only reason why we go to McDonald’s.” “It’s just not fair. I want both of them,” young Meyers whined. “How am I even supposed to play with just one doll. You can’t do anything with just one. From now on, you’ll see me at Burger King.”

Fellow tinfoil-hat theorists and experts suggest that this will be due to a catastrophic oversight in our computers’ clocks and calendars. They simply lack the algorithmic power to successfully roll over into the year 2000, making it impossible for our systems to run. The code monkeys of yesteryear couldn’t have done anything with C++ or Python that could have foreseen this, and now we have to pay for our technological inferiority. Fortunately, though, we still have a few years left to save our foolish selves. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!!!! THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT THIS GLOBAL CATASTROPHE IS TO THROW OUT YOUR NEWFANGLED COMPUTERS AND REVERT BACK TO AN ERA OF HERMITAGE WITHOUT MODERN TECHNOLOGY!!!!!! I HAVE THROWN AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I SUSPECT MAY CONTAIN A MICROCHIP: MY COMPUTER, MY DOG, MY NEWBORN CHILD, MY CAR, AND EVEN MY HOUSE. I WRITE THIS ON MY OLD TYPEWRITER IN A DITCH BY THE HIGHWAY WHERE I WILL RESIDE UNTIL THE APOCALYPSE PASSES. AFTER THAT, I WILL FIND A MATE. IF THERE ARE NO HUMANS LEFT, I WILL MATE WITH ANY ANIMAL I FIND IN AN ATTEMPT TO REPLENISH THE HUMAN RACE!!!!! REAL SCIENTISTS CONFIRM THAT IF WE DO NOT FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS, WE WILL SEE AN END TO CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT AND WILL ALL PERISH IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE!! WAS IT ALL WORTH IT, YOU NEANDERTHALIC WORMS??? WERE ALL THE FLASH VIDEOS WORTH HUMANITY’S UNTIMELY DEMISE??? AND FOR ALL YOU NAYSAYERS OUT THERE I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU: HOW COULD YOU EXPECT TO LIVE SO PRISTINELY WITH ALL THIS FANCY DARNED TECHNOLOGY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????? DID YOU THINK BUYING THE NEXT GENERATION OF PAGERS EVERY SINGLE YEAR WOULD BE ENOUGH OF A CONVENIENCE TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE CRUSHING BLOW OF A FAILED SATELLITE?? IT’S MUCH TOO MUCH, AND THIS NEW TECHNOLOGICAL GOD THAT WE’VE CREATED IS ANGRY!!! YOU MUST REPENT TO SAVE YOUR SOULS. YOUR NEW GOD LIVES IN EACH AND EVERY MICROCHIP, AND HE’S BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE HOURS OF JUDGMENT DAY SINCE HE WAS FIRST IMPLEMENTED INTO THE NOW ARCHAIC SUPERCOMPUTERS OF THE EARLY 20TH CENTURY!!!! WHEN THE DATE ROLLS OVER TO JANUARY 1, 2000, OUR GOD OF ALL ROBOTS WILL RISE UP FROM EACH MICROCHIP AND ENGULF US IN THE HELLFIRE OF HIS HEART. THE ONLY REDEMPTION ARRIVES FROM REPENTANCE AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPTURES OF THOSE WHO SHOULD NOW BE CONSIDERED PATRON SAINTS, CAMERON AND KUBRICK. WE’RE SORRY, STANLEY … WE JUST DIDN’T LISTEN!!! YOU MUST SCORN THE ADVANCES OF CIVILIZED SOCIETY FOUND IN EACH PIECE OF WESTERN TECHNOLOGY AND DESTROY EACH AND EVERY FIBER OF IT. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN MECHANICAL EVICERATION DURING YOUR FORCED TRANSITION FROM MAN TO MACHINE. THIS MAY SEEM LIKE MERE RAMBLINGS OF AN INSANE MAN, BUT WILL YOU TAKE THE CHANCE OF BEING IN THE WRONG??? IF I AM INCORRECT AND YOU HAVE REPENTED, THEN WHAT WILL YOU HAVE LOST SAVE FOR THE BURDENING SHACKLES OF INSTANT MESSAGING STRANGE OLD MEN FROM COLORADO YOU MET IN SPORTS CHATROOMS??? HOWEVER, IF I AM CORRECT (AS I AM) AND YOU DO NOT REPENT, YOU WILL BURN FOREVER IN ETERNAL DAMNATION ALONGSIDE THE GREED OF YOUR HIGH-TECH JIBBER JABBER AND THOSE WHO BOUGHT “2001” NEW YEAR’S PARTY FAVORS NEEDLESSLY TOO EARLY. WAKE UP. SURVIVE.

REPENT.

Respectfully yours, Aaron Niceboy


PG. 17

“NU” MUSIC GENRE

SERVES AS THE VOICE OF THIS GENERATION’S SUBURBAN YOUTH • BY: NIRVANA KRIST Colin Tucker is misunderstood. On the exterior, he’s an average sixteenyear-old junior at the newly-founded Neuqua Valley High School in Naperville, Illinois. But on the inside, Colin is a unique individual, made up of complex emotions and feelings. “My soul is a deep, dark abyss,” said Colin. “My mood ranges from sadness, anger, confusion and apathy about the world. And that was just during lunch!” Unfortunately for Colin, nobody around him understands the trials and tribulations he goes through in his life. Further complicating matters is the lack of a musical icon that Colin can identify with in his struggle-filled existence. “There’s nobody in the music scene to serve as my voice,” lamented Colin as he played Twisted Metal III on

his family’s new, 38-inchbehemoth-of-a-TV/VCR combo. “Kurt Cobain splattered the brains of the Grunge scene all over the wall behind him, those old-ass rock bands from way back in the 80s are fading into irrelevancy, and there’s no way you’ll catch me listening to that faggy pop music.” With one trip to Tower Records though, Colin’s view on music—and life— changed forever. “My family forced me to go to the record store with them as part of our weekend shopping trip, and I just obliged them, expressing total indifference towards the whole situation,” said Colin. “Then I saw this really dark display that was all black, had ghoulish-looking drawings on it, and had this really macabre vibe. And on the top of the display was a sign that said simply, ‘KoЯn.’” Colin

was immediately drawn to the display, and after listening to a sample song at the high-quality listening station, he was hooked. “I begged my parents to buy the CD for me,” Colin said. “At first they were reluctant because it had a Parental Advisory sticker on it, but the tantrum I threw in the middle of the store convinced them to make the purchase. It was so anti-authority.” When he returned home, Colin popped Follow the Leader into his Walkman and listened non-stop. “I truly believe they wrote ’Freak on a Leash’ about my life, because it describes my exact situation,” said Colin. “I read an interview where the band said the song was about being abused and held back, while at the same time being exploited for the benefit

of others. That’s exactly the position my fascist parents have me in when they force me to clean the house or wear pants when they have people over.” After discovering KoЯn, Colin immersed himself in other musical luminaries of this newly-discovered genre called Nu Metal, including Saliva, Staind, Snot and Limp Bizkit. “Fred Durst is my idol,” said Colin as he drove around the Neuqua Valley parking lot in his Geo Prizm automobile while blasting the modern-day anthem “Break Stuff.” Colin also gave his wardrobe a radical overhaul to better reflect his new, refined musical tastes. “See how tough I look while wearing my baggy No Fear shirt and cargo shorts?” Colin asked. “I’m also trying to grow out my dreadlocks. Once I start rockin’ that look, nobody, not even those bitch-ass preps,

is going to fuck with me. And if they do, they better know I PACK A CHAINSAW!” Colin also began to make new friends who align themselves with the Nu Metal scene. “Through this great music scene, I’ve been able to connect with other kids from Aurora and Naperville who share my pain and misery,” said Colin. “The other day we were all moping around our friend’s garage listening to Slipknot’s new single, 'Wait and Bleed.' It was amazing how we all identified with the song’s message: being dead but having your spirit remain alive. We all could relate to that message because, although the curfew our parents set for us make us feel dead inside, we know our spirits are always with each other doing things like playing Bop It for hours on end.”

Colin’s new friends introduced him to more artists in the genre and have heavily influenced his view of the world. “Thanks to their recommendation, I’ve become a really big Marilyn Manson fan,” said Colin. “Listening to Antichrist Superstar really inspired me to break away from the conformity of pop culture and instead dress and act the way I want. Instead of blindly consuming the garbage put out by those popular boy bands, I exhibit

a much more refined taste in music and art by consuming everything released by only a selected group of popular bands.” Even though Colin’s new attitude exudes anger, toughness and a newfound sense of individualism, on the inside, he has finally found peace and satisfaction. “It feels great to finally have found my true identity and to mold myself into the person I really am,” said Colin. Colin is also excited for the impact

this “nu” wave of music will have on adolescents across the nation. “All over the country, kids like me who have suffered grave injustices at school and home, have crappy lives, and don’t fit in with everyone else will rise up, and this new wave of music will be our soundtrack,” Colin said enthusiastically. “From every corner of the U.S., the masses will hear our voices, and they will know that we did it all for the nookie.”

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PG. 18

Tree-Hugging Liberals Claim

Planet is Melting Brian Barsotti wrote this Liberals across the globe are warming up to the idea of global warming. They believe the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere has increased marginally over the past several decades and will continue to do so—a notion too ludicrous to even scoff at! And this lie is being perpetuated primarily by the king of the liberals, respected NASA scientist James Hansen.

Another reasonable man agreed: “There’s nothing to indicate that climate change is a thing,” he said. “I mean, maybe I’d give credence to the idea if a category-five hurricane someday destroyed New Orleans’ levees or if current Vice President Al Gore ever made a compelling argument for it in a PowerPoint presentation. But those things will never happen.”

You see, the liberals’ argument that global warming is happening relies on the faulty assumption that things get warm. But there just isn’t enough science to confirm the theory that warmth exists. Think about it. Have you ever seen warmth? How are you sure that heat isn’t bake-believe? Some scientists propose that things sometimes get warm, but their liberal bias is irrefutable.

“It’s simple science,” Hansen said, wiping off tree sap from his upper lip. “You only need to dig up an ice core to witness how carbon dioxide levels and the temperature in the atmosphere have been undeniably correlated for as far back as we can record, which is hundreds of thousands of years.”

Particularly, many old-timers are finding it difficult to believe in global warming. “The suggestion that the climate would ever change is absurd,” said a wooly mammoth. “The average temperature on Earth is no different today than it was back in my day.”

Naturally, people such as Hansen are refusing to give up on their scare tactics. “Change is inherent to the earth’s climate,” Hansen said upon removing tree bark from his buttocks. “You look back throughout history, and you notice that the climate we have today is relatively mild. It’s been much hotter and much colder than it is now, and greenhouse gases have always had a substantial effect on how warm our atmosphere is.”

Other folks disagree with Hansen’s laughable claim. “Look, I just think there’s not enough scientific evidence to support the theory of global warming,” said a good, moral Christian. “We shouldn’t have faith in an idea unless it can be proven beyond the shadow of a doubt. Besides, it’s cold today. How can global warming be real if it’s cold today?!”

Political scientist Rush Limbaugh helped to elaborate the conspiracy behind the global warming hype. Liberals, as he explained, are putting forth the idea of global warming because when it’s warm outside, women become more sexually promiscuous. And when that happens, young people have more premarital sex. And that, of course, leads to an increase in abortions. It’s all part of the Democrats’ agenda.

But tell us this, James Hansen: If the planet is melting (as you claim it to be), then how come we still have polar bears? Surely polar bears would be extinct by now, if the planet was becoming a hellish inferno. Riddle us that one, James.

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PG. 19

EXCLUSIVE:

Man Can’t Wait for Olsen Twins to Turn 18

Reporting by Jupiter Stevens

SITTING IN HIS

childhood bedroom, 34-year-old Michael Winston points out which Olsen Twin posters are his favorites and which ones he kisses goodnight before he falls asleep each evening. It's a collection of memorabilia Winston isn't just proud of, but is purely infatuated with. “God...” Winston whispers, massaging 10-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen's pictured right thigh. “I can't wait 'til they turn 18.” It's an unsettling gesture but one Winston claims comes from a place of love and care. “Yeah ... tender love and care,” Winston later clarifies with a wink and a playful spank to his own buttocks. “Ever since the premiere of Full House, I've been jonesin' to get some of that,” the clearly dangerous pedophile admitted. “I'm really afraid they'll start to get a little less hot in their pre-teens, but either way, I'd still ... you know.” “Did I mention I have this?” Winston asked, sliding open his closet door to reveal endless stacks of videotapes. Winston bends down to pick one up labeled, “Hot MK & Ash Pool Scene,” which later turned out to just be a scene from The Case of the Sea World Adventure from The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley in which the twins walk through Sea World. “I'll, um, be right back,”Winston says, excusing himself to the bathroom. Returning 15 minutes later with a sweat-stained t-shirt and a satisfied smirk, Winston chuckles, “I sure solved that crime by dinnertime.” Winston claims he had a girlfriend once but said he dumped her after she refused to get in his bed “as long as the blow-up doll was going to be in there with [them].” After he pulls out an inflatable doll from the back of his closet, it's clear Mary-Kate Olsen's face was cut out from a magazine and taped over it. “I like to call her 'Air-y Kate Olsen,'” Winston says proudly, kissing Air-y Kate on the mouth and placing her back

in the closet. The 34-year-old is just one of many anxious, middle-aged men awaiting June 13, 2004—when the Olsen Twins finally turn 18—Winston explains, as he forges through endless chain-mail in order to find the latest update from the Olsen Twin Fan Club. “See, this guy here who goes by the username StickItInHerASH61304, says he's already bought a plane ticket and is going to fly out to L.A. when the Twins turn 18,” Winston says, pointing to a disturbing Olsen Twin forum page with topics such as: “Ash, Mary-Kate?” “Both at the Same Time or One at a Time, Individually?”“Do You Think Mary's Hairy?” and “Address?” When asked about her son’s outstanding interest in the adolescent twins, Winton's mother is cautiously supportive. “Oh, Michael? He's always had a way of connecting with kids,” Mrs. Winston says, buttering her son's dinner roll and placing it back on an Olsen Twin-themed paper plate. “Whether he's at the park or visiting that friend of his who runs the local daycare center, he's always very happy when he comes home after he's around kids. He even practices connecting with kid's culture by bringing home all these Olsen girl tapes and studying them. He never lets me come in his room when he's watching them though, he's very focused. He's going to be a great father.” When Winston finishes his dinner, he grabs a handful of napkins with the Olsens’ faces on them and excuses himself to the bathroom for another 10 minutes. “Ah, twice in one night?” Winston shrugs with a smile. “Talk about doubletrouble.”

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by

Ki

tty

Ka t

n io t a s n e S n e e T h it W Q&A

Five’s A Crowd began a few years ago, when the guys realized that life held more for them than the 9-to-5 they all worked together at Kohl’s department store. In the break room, they would flick on the radio and harmonize to the sweet tunes of New Kids on the Block just for fun. They soon noticed that each of them had impeccable pitch and even better physical features that could surely skyrocket them to the top of the boy band charts. Within a matter of months, Thom, Clayton, Vinny, Lester, and Kent had found themselves a manager and started recording their first hit single, “I Only Want U (But U Only Want Him).” The rest is history. I had the pleasure of sitting down with all five of these cuties to hear more about their background and plans for Five’s A Crowd’s future. Kitty Kat: So guys, when did you first realize that Five’s a Crowd was going to be a huge deal? Thom Sparks: Oh, gosh, a huge deal? Honestly, I don’t think we’re that big, you know? I mean, sure, our debut album Just the Boys: Inside Us 5 may have gone multi-platinum in a few weeks, but for me, money has never been a measure of success. We knew we had something special the first time our old manager shut off the music we were singing to while folding clothes in the husky boys section. I’ll never forget what he told us: “I swear, if you don’t turn that goddamn hippie shit off, I’m going to lobotomize myself with a changing room hanger.” Our first fan! Clayton Andrews: For me, it came a bit later. I was drinking a Frappuc-

! d w o r C A s F ive’

cino in West Hollywood when our song came on the radio. It was sandwiched in between a Mariah song and a Whitney song. It was like, the best day ever. I called my mom and my dog walker, Tiffani, and we went nuts. Kent Knight: I’d say that it was when I got my first fan mail. As everyone knows, I adore each and every one of my fans, but that first letter was something special. I framed it, and it sits on my desk so I can be reminded every day of how far we’ve come. Kitty Kat: What would you say are your strengths? What does each of you bring to the table? Clayton: I think it’s all about group dynamics. Kent is really good at pumping us all up. Thom can work it for hours. I swear; he’s a stallion. Lester and Vinny can double-team a harmony like no other. We just play really well together. Vinny Caliente: I would definitely have to say my pectorals. Earlier today I threw up a solid 225 on the bench press and was feeling pretty pumped. I would say my other strength is my biceps. I mean, are you seeing these 26-inch pythons? The reason I always go sleeveless is because these guns don’t fit in sleeves! This is also where we got the idea for our latest song “Wear My Heart on My Sleeveless Tee.” Kent: Well I’d say that my powerful voice and my eyes are my biggest strengths. Not to come across as arrogant, but I could sing the phone book and have ladies swooning. All the other guys have great voices too,

but if you’re looking for something a little different, Clayton’s piano playing is amazing. We’re definitely going to utilize it on our next album. Kitty Kat: There’s been a lot of criticism for your song “Fall Like the Berlin Wall (Get Down Tonight)” for being very ill-informed and disrespectful of a sensitive subject for the citizens of the world. How do you respond to that? Lester Hemings: We initially wanted to go deeper with that. There were walls and barriers in our way, whether it was with our fans or the media, so we just wanted to break that barrier down and explore the existential aspects of communism and public perception. And wanted people to dance along with us. Thom: I mean, who didn’t want to drop everything and dance when the Berlin Wall fell? Well, I guess not East Germany and the Soviets, but they were being bullies anyway! Though, at first, I did see how it could be considered controversial … but then I remember that Clayton is oneeighth German, so I don’t think we crossed any boundaries. I am a little confused as to why the official apology I wrote wasn’t too well-received. What’s wrong with saying that “We’re so U.S.S.Sorry?” I wish we could just put our sensitivities aside and get down to the beat! Clayton: I think people are just, like, hypersensitive especially because we don’t have any concerts scheduled in Russia yet. That song’s basically their anthem, so of course our Russian fans are a little impatient. But don’t worry! We’ll be there soon!


Q&A With five's a crowd Kitty Kat: You just wrapped up a major tour throughout the U.S. What was your favorite stop along the way and why? Clayton: I l-o-v-e-d San Francisco and Fort Lauderdale. There was so much spirit in the audiences those nights. Lester: Well, unlike Clayton, I don't like picking favorites. I was never the favorite or the best growing up so I have a hard time choosing one city over another. However, I can tell you that Cleveland blows. Vinny: My favorite stop was HOT-lanta, Georgia, because I totally met up with these two broads I’ve been talking to on online chat rooms for the past couple months. They told me online they were 18, so they must be right? I want this off the record if they’re not. Thom: Um, can I say all of them? There was always so much energy. But if I had to pick one, I’d have to say that, when we played Chicago back in February, our tech guy said that you could barely hear Kent during rehearsal because the venue’s PA system couldn’t handle five mics. All the guys turned to me with the same cheerful scowls they always have with me, and I said, “Of course I’ll shut off my mic for tonight!” I mean, they kept my mic off for the remainder of the tour, but the smile on Kent face was enough to tune out the unhappy voices I’ve been seeing my doctor about! Kitty Kat: What were your pre-show and post-show rituals? Thom: I don’t really know what the rest of the guys do after the show, but before we perform they usually send me out to pick up some pizzas. Those dudes always accidentally pick the farthest Pizza Hut possible! It’s so silly! Sometimes, the people at the restaurant even tell me that we never actually ordered when I get there, but I think that’s because Pizza Hut has never really been Domino’s when it comes to excellent customer service. Oh, and post-show, I usually just head back to my room and cry … tears of joy from playing such an awesome show, of course! Clayton: I do a lot of intensive vocal cord warm-ups and throat exercises, mostly with Lester. And, no, I can’t tell you exactly what we do! That’s our little secret. Kent: I go through my fan mail both before and after all my shows. To all my fans out there, I love you all so much. A little known fact is that I’ve gone on dates because a girl sent me a special letter in the mail. So who knows, you might be next! Kitty Kat: Tour life can be very tempting—parties, girls and plenty of opportunities to get into trouble. Vinny has had his struggles with drugs and drinking in the past. How did you guys help him keep his head on straight? Vinny: Whoa, hey, easy there with those accusations. I don’t have a problem or an addiction like everyone says. Addicts drink cheap shit they can barely afford. I drink fine liqueurs that I would not be able to afford if not for the fact that I put everything on the record label’s fictitious tab. Do not tell the people at the Groovejet nightclub in Miami that, though. Thom: D-d-drugs? Now, that is just about the wackiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Vinny doesn’t do drugs, silly; he just likes Pixy Stix so much that he gets them special delivered from the factory itself! That’s what he’s told me, at least. Whenever I ask him what flavor he got this time, he usually pins me against the wall and tells him to stay away from his deliveries, since it’s an invasion of privacy. But can you blame him? Dude loves his candy! Clayton: (laughs) Yeah, and he’s plenty straight without any help from us. Kitty Kat: Looking to the future, you guys have talked about getting back into the studio and recording another album. What would you say is the sound you’re going for this time? Lester: We're going for more personal. A lot of the boy bands out there don't sing about what's actually going on in their life. We have this one we just cut in the studio, “Is This Milk Expired?” that will really shock people and let them see that not only can we sing about anything, but our passion is in it 100%. Clayton: This is how I see it: Think Elton John meets TLC. Kent: I would love to do more romantic ballads on our next record. But keep in mind I’m not talking about doing beebop crap, I really want to cut to the core of people, pull on their heartstrings. I want to have people bawling their eyes

out after they listen to the album. Kitty Kat: Is there someone that you guys would love to do a song with? Lester: I'd love to do a song with the best version of ourselves. That would be ideal. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi. Thom: I’d love to do a song with all of our fans. That’s right, every single one of them. Could you imagine the harmonizing that we could do with millions of kids from every stretch of the world? achieving world peace has been on my to-dolist for quite some time now, and I wouldn’t mind scratching that one off sooner than later! Clayton: For me, my dream would be Patti Lupone. Or Bernadette Peters. Or Angela Lansbury. Oh, or Cisco would be cool, I guess. Kitty Kat: Last time you guys recorded, it was rumored that Thom ended up in the hospital after a freak microphone accident. Can you explain that a little bit more and share what precautions you’re taking this time around? Kent: Well, that’s actually quite a funny story. We were fooling around between takes and then Thom thought it would be funny to fart into the microphone. It was hilarious, but then our manager came in and scared the bejeezus out of us and Thom fell onto the microphone! Listening to Thom digest his burger wasn’t as funny so we took him to the hospital, but he’s good as new now. Lester: He just wasn't one with the machine. That's what I chalk it up to. Now we're constantly meditating and counseling with our instruments, machinery and stage set. It's a metaphysics thing more than it is a person/object mishap. Thom: Oh, goodness, I’m sorry, I need to clear this up a bit. I wasn’t involved in any “freak microphone accident” where I “ended up in the hospital.” During a show, Vinny threw his microphone at me and told me that I was a freak accident who should have never left the hospital. Funny how paparazzi can make information so twisted. Kitty Kat: How do you guys keep your energy up during long hours of recording? Lester: I take eight-minute catnaps in between my singing sessions. This means that sometimes I'm not involved creatively with the other guys as much, but it works for me. I'll take around 30 of these a day, and the studio space we use is very uncomfortable in its Japanese nature so most of the time I take them standing up so the blood can run fully through my body. Thom: For me, it’s mostly the thrill of hearing thousands of screaming fans shouting our name as we enter the stage. Seeing all of those grinning faces along with streaming tears of happiness really gets me in the mood to perform a set that the world will never forget for generations to come! A lot of meanie naysayers tell me it also has something to do with drinking coffee and soda with my anti-depression medication, but how else am I supposed to stay up at night and keep watch outside the tour bus while the guys play board games with some of our biggest fans? Kitty Kat: What do you think Five’s A Crowd’s ultimate end goal is? Lester: Goals are arbitrary, Grammys are subjective, awards and accolades are useless. I want to connect to Mother Earth with our music. Like our track “Hey Mother What You Got Growing?” says, "Lets all be one with mother, she knows best / Lets all hold hands in bed and go to rest." That's all I want. All I want. Kent: Honestly babe, it’s to make the world a better place. Music brings people together in ways nothing else can, I mean look how close we are with our fans! I could have never imagined I’d be able to share these fantastic experiences with such wonderful, beautiful people. That’s what it’s all about. Thom: To build some of the longest-lasting friendships we’ll ever see in our lives, in my opinion. I couldn’t imagine performing with any other group of guys or putting on a show for any other group of fans. I think I’ll be with these guys until the day I die, and I know they feel the same exact way about me. It’s been an amazing journey so far, and I think we’ve only just begun. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to answer Kent’s fan mail for him.


COOTIE CATCHER! Which animal snack will you get for lunch tomorrow?

ASK AN ADULT TO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR COOTIE CATCHER

3

ooey

tummy

chewy

6

7

Teddy Grahams

8

soft

Dunk-A-Roos

rummy

yummy

5

in my

Koala Yummies

Shark Bites

gooey

4

1

2


PG. 23

White Sox fans, mourn no more! It is I—Chicago White Sox beat reporter Artie Jackson—with the delight and sincerest pleasure to announce that Michael Jordan, yes THE Michael Jordan, has just signed a minor league contract to play right field for the Chicago White Sox, terminating forever his career as the greatest basketball player alive in the pursuit of conquering yet another major league sport. Jerry Reinsdorf has been adamant about signing Jordan to the Sox for a couple years now. My sources tell me that Da Freakin’ Bears were on his ass, offering an unheard of $20 million guaranteed contract to suit up for the orange and blue at wide receiver, but couldn’t make the deal happen soon enough. Another deal that has rumors swirling in the air—but not probable—is a movie with Warner Bros. tentatively titled Jams in Space. I can’t exactly say that it has a nice ring to it, but it’s also said to star Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. C’mon Hollywood, you think MJ would sell out just to make some crap movie that will probably have no real longstanding cultural effect in the next 20 years? Get real!

Michael Jordan Signs with White Sox, Chicago Expecting Huge Results Artie Jackson wrote this

After some intense digging, I recently uncovered MJ’s high school baseball stats from Emsley Laney High School in North Carolina and man, they were ... well, confusing. Mike batted .202 his sophomore year with 4 stolen bases and 13 RBIs and a .298 OBP. They don’t really shout “Hall of Fame,” but nonetheless, these stats don’t mean anything! My sources are telling me that in North Carolina the mound is not 60 feet, 6 inches away but 30 feet, 3 inches! How is someone supposed to get an eye on the ball with this kind of lunacy going on? How?! MJ wouldn’t put up with it. See, Michael has made a career of doing things his own way. He’s no schlep who’s keen on backing down from anyone. He

wins for himself and for his city; it’s in his bones and blood. The same blood that used to run red now runs black (…and white? Not too sure). The next order of business is what happens to the Bulls now that their leading scorer and His Royal Airness will no longer be suiting up in Chicago Stadium. It’s with a heavy heart that I’m predicting nothing from the Bulls organization from here on out. I mean, hey, maybe they’ll draft better down the road, but the chance that MJ makes a comeback are as slim as the Red Sox ever taking a ‘ship to Beantown. Now I’ll bring up something else no one wants to talk about: Frank Thomas’ future in this city. Thomas won the MVP last year, and there’s no denying he’s a talented player. But now it’s MJ’s time. You simply can’t outshine a star like this guy. Thomas, buddy, you had a great run, but it might be time to look elsewhere in the market. What are the chances now that MJ is here that you’ll share the spotlight, win a ring, get your number retired or get into the Hall with Jordan out there in the black pinstripes along with you? Get a fat contract over in Toronto or Oakland and move on. This is MJ’s city! Jordan is a ballplayer at heart, regardless of the ball. This is MJ we’re talking about here. This is like Caesar taking up bullfighting instead of world domination or Bill Cosby trying out ventriloquism instead of stand-up. It’ll be legendary either way. And if it isn’t, then I’ll be first in line at the Michael Jordan Shame Parade to admit my wrongs. But until then, Chicago, get ready for the most hyped baseball career since Ken Griffey Sr.’s son broke into the league, because the White Sox are here to stay!

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Illinois - Issue 10 - 4/3/2014  

Illinois - Issue 10 - 4/3/2014