Make the bell breaker great again

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MBA Announcements—Wednesday, May 17, 2017 Will the following faculty members please report to the library to return overdue books: Travis Barclay (Eat, Pray, Love); Tim Boyd (Coping with a Distasteful Accent & How to Pick up American Chicks); Chris Sander (The Complete Works of William Shakespeare); Colonel Sharbel (The Communist Manifesto); Dan Brown (Uncle Tom’s Cabin & The Bell Curve); Sean Kinch (Penthouse).

Meetings this week.

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Monday o 8am, Totomoi, BYOB o 9am, Mother’s Club Gossip Party Tuesday o 940am, Special Assembly Speaker—inventor of the Solar Powered Flashlight to discuss “finding yourself” o 10am Mother’s Club—Xanax prescriptions filled in small gym Wednesday o 750am, Advisory Meetings in which firm and useful advice will be given to all o 420pm, Bell Breaker meeting Thursday o 8am-8pm, Big Red Bloc—Discussions to center on life in the closet and finding happiness in your dead end job. o 5pm, Jim Lech signing autographs in pfeffer Friday o 8am, Bible study, massey commons o 8am, Torah Study, Goldman’s deli o 8am, Qoran study, Davidson County Sherriff’s Office o 8am, Bhagavad Gita study, jk fuck that

Auditions—MBA/HH Collaboration “Wet n’ Wild” (female roles plentiful) Searching for: Bell Ringer writers—NEEDED LOST -

Freedom of Expression Will to Live Football state finals (x2)

Things we don’t realize were lost - Civil War

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Foreigners at MBA: can we trust them?

By: Steve Bannon After a rash of terrorist activities around the world, the Bell Breaker’s investigative team decided to dig deep into the checkered past of some of our most dangerous faculty.

Name: Michael Kelley Country of Origin: Scotland Known Aliases: Murphy McPotato O'Guiness, Mickey McTaterface, Kister Melley, Terrorist Connections: Irish Republican Army, his fucking reading quizzes.

Name: Maggie Qian Country of Origin: China Known Aliases: the Big Q, Qiancorporated, Comrade Suspected of: Mathcounts doping, Trafficking in promising mathletes Name: <CONTENT REDACTED> Country of Origin: Lebanon Known Aliases: LtCol Joseph A. Sharbel USMC (ret) Wanted for: training of child soldiers, connections to un-authorized SEAL operations in south Yemen Name: Josh Clark Final Form: XenĂş Kratos, Master of Stars, Commander of the Great Fleet.

Place of Origin: Swirling mass of galactic chaos Criminal Activities: Leader of Scientologist Church, possible Mormon.

First Contact: Roswell, New Mexico 1947 Name: Dr. Firstname Carro Country of origin: south?

Known Aliases: Don Fumo, Meester Pheesics Unamerican Behaviors: speaks with accent, probably voted for Bernie Name: Dan Herring Place of Origin: Volkswagen Microbus, Haight Ashbury CA Known Aliases: Lieutenant Dan, Dirty Dan, Sixties-Style Sex Machine, Pops Unamerican Behaviors: Hippie. Dirty Dirty Hippie. Clear socialist predilections.

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TOP TWINS In honor of their passing, we would now like to recognize the top twins on the hill.

1. Will and Tom Peters.

They’re the Salutatorian and Valedictorian, prone to lookin’ good, and much, much better than you.

2. Michael and Gabriel Elkin.

One red, one blue, both white. Notably NOT valedictorian/salutatorian. They wrestle I think? Who knows which is which.

3. Alvin and Vincent Zhang.

Our favorite twins of an Asian persuasion. We were going to include Tony Zhang, before realizing that he was actually named Tony Huang, and that he’s not going to college. Shameful.

4. Holland Lund Holland, you are often forgotten as a twin. In fact, you’re often forgotten. I hear he’s a firefighter or something. How many days until graduation now?

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Bell Ringer: Swimsuit edition By: Hugh Heffner Due to certain draconian restrictions on their content, the Bell Ringer was unable to publish their swimsuit issue. That struck us here at the Bell Breaker as a damn shame, because we deserve to see the beach bodies of our faculty. So, without further ado, let’s meet the best-beachbodied boys in the faculty lounge.

Cover Shot: Tim Boyd. Looking simultaneously wistful and adventurous, rocking that tropical and prep-school chic, Tim Boyd never ceases to amaze.

First runner up: Josh Clark.

Sweet, sweet Josh Clark manages to rock his pookah shell necklace even better than the best frat boys could ever hope. Here, his notably slimmer beach bod gives us all hope.

Second Runner up: Rob Dorty Doughty Doughertery Herr Doug.

Roaring onto the scene with a yellow (?) solo cup and his employerprovided T-shirt, he exudes the same feeling of prepared yet casual that his cargo shorts do.

Third runner up: Ed “these ARE my beach clothes” Tarkington.

Talk about a hottie. I knew love could break your heart, but who knew a high school english teacher could be such a heart throb.

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Harpeth Hall cookies sold at 88â&#x201A;ľ to MBAâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s $1 By: John Jacob Jingle-heimer Schmidt.

In a startling act of defiance, the administration at Harpeth Hall has begun selling cookies to the students at a price of 88 cents per cookie. The hope was that this would raise awareness of the gender wage gap at sibling school MBA, but this outlook seemed unlikely after several entrepreneurial gentlemen bought 3,000 cookies in bulk from the institution to be resold at MBA for a profit.

Additionally, the unwieldy .88 multiplier led to enormous amounts of loose change being lost on campus and eventual nickel poisoning of 23 Honey Bears.

In response to the startling wage gap, the Harpeth Hall gender studies department, in conjunction with their brightest scientific minds, have begun investigations into the precise wage gap between all 58 genders.

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Shameless Fluff Pieces Tarkington demands explanation for penis posters around school before being told of Rorschach-themed play.

By: Johnny Tremaine Followed closely by his unusually attentive Sophomore English class, Dr. Ed Tarkington reportedly burst into headmaster Joya's offices demanding an explanation for the posters he claimed depicted phallic imagery and, according to Tarkington, scenes from his childhood home on a Seminole Indian reservation. Reportedly, he calmed down after being informed that he was in fact looking at a series of Rorschach tests, which had been put up to advertise for a play. The point of Rorschach tests, of course, being that the test subject sees what they WANT to see, which then informs their diagnosis.

Voluntary censorship By: Betsy DeVos This year, to remain in good standing with the faculty, we here at the Bell Breaker asked certain members of the administration to review and approve our articles. We would now like to present these articles in their heavily redacted forms.

"Headmaster Goioioa holds lavish dinner, followed by <content redacted> for money.

Dr. Boyd takes on Joia's duties of BLANKing old white men for money Headmaster Gioia receives late night picture of Boyd's <content Redacted> Norton spotted on campus taking pictures of students in (redacted) Mark Tipps (tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff) Lieutenant Colonel Joseph A. Sharbel of the United States Marine Corps (retired) (to tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff ns of redaction) one cup (tons of r tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff tons of redacted stuff edaction) allowed them to continue MBA's tradition of turning boys into men.

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Rejected Exam Questions Spanish I: ¿Cual es tu Burrito favorito en Moes?

AP World History: Whatever happened to Libya?

Art History: On a scale of 0 to Athens of the South, how much better is our Parthenon that the real one?

Ancient/Medieval history: True or False, Incas/Aztecs/Mayans can all be referred to under the umbrella term “Mexicans.”

Calc/Stat: Why was 6 afraid of 7?

French IV AP: You’re at a party and meet a female French exchange student. Write an essay on how best to score with said French hottie. Bonus points for using French words.

Astronomy: Whats ur horoscope? ***Harpeth Hall Rejected Questions*** Advanced Sandwich making II AP: To receive credit for this question, simply copy the italicized statement in girl handwriting and sign it.

MBA boys are misogynist pigs. I am better. ******WARNING*****WARNING***WARNING: this publication is purely satirical. If you can’t handle a joke, then we suggest you stop reading and stick to the Huffington Post.

Love, the Bell Breaker.

Best College Choice Survey by Ginny Maddocks.

To make sure that we are able to match you to the college best suited for you, we ask that you fill out this very useful questionnaire, followed by 43 other questionnaires, four college nights, and leaflet on why the Ivy League is for suckers.

University of Alabama: Fill in the blank in the following sentence: The south will ______ again!

University of Notre Dame: What religion do you practice?

Roman Catholic Other University of California Berkeley: Trees are for Hugging Firewood University of Colorado: Do any of these numbers stand out to you?

758 23 420 115 76 Vanderbilt University: How many pairs of sperries do you own? <7 >7 Ole Miss: Did your daddy go to Ole Miss?

Yes No

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MBA unveils mental health program to combat problems it is directly responsible for.

By: Kim Jong-Un Last Wednesday, Dr. Gioia unveiled the counseling office’s newest mental health program, meant to curb such problems as student anxiety and a lack of loyalty. In an exclusive interview with the Bell Breaker, Dear Leader Headmaster Brad had this to say: “we don’t like the label ‘mental health counseling,’ since it suggests that MBA students are not the absolute pinnacle of intellectual power.

We’re decided that a more palatable term is ‘re-education counseling,’ because what we’re really trying to do is maintain a healthy atmosphere of school spirits and constant donations. We’ve identified several warning signs of disloyalty declining mental health, such as lack of school spirit, nonparticipation in bake sales, voicing complaints of the drone (or any campus institution), and failure to respect the institution of Monday Assemblies with your utmost attention.”

While the Bell Breaker maintains that there might be a number of causes of student anxiety and depression, including unnecessarily demanding workloads, the 7:50 am start time, the hypercompetitive atmosphere, and oddly particular disciplinary infractions like arriving to school three minutes late, the administration assures us that this is not, in fact, the case.

To aid in their endeavors, the administration has established an “optional” student union, known as the communist big red bloc. Here, it is said, young wayward boys are re-educated in the manner of a Hegelian dialectic to believe that there is actually something to be gained from undying loyalty.

Headmaster Gioia remarked that, “we have a running list of all the students who have requested the deactivation of Jake Lawrence’s email account (247 so far) and targeted them for special treatment in one of our Character Building Leadership Conferences on Long Mountain, where they will remain indefinitely, and no questions are to be asked.

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BELL BREAKER EXCLUSIVE By: Elizabeth Warren In honor of Sam Davis, MBA's most treasonous treasured graduate, we now turn to reflect on some of those poor souls who never knew the hill that would have gone to MBA. Robert E. Lee- His American flag still flies proudly on the hill. General Lee would feel right at home.

Shaka Zulu- Diversity Hire.

George Washington- He actually wrote the Constitution for theme night in Ms. Lowry's first English class.

Genghis Khan- While his disciplinary record is spotty in regards to the Chinese kids, he was a very generous donor.

David Duke- A man of his values would easily find a home among our gentlemen King Henry VIII- A slay god amongst men. Truly enviable Mixing skills.

Augustus Caesar- Ambitious (or was he?) and a born leader. So famous, he was quoted by Eddie George.

Jesus- obvious reasons

Next Week’s Headlines: MBA Students colonize Ensworth in honor of Columbus Day Gioia shocked to learn students still don’t care about first folio (new re-education seminar planned in response) Philosopher’s Stone destroyed: Pruitt struggling to adapt to mortal life.

Robbie Quinn caught off guard by library patron trying to check out book 463 host families develop negative opinions of America, students now 58% more likely to remind you of drinking age in Colombia.

Kilian’s actual ID confiscated: forced to ask Seniors with convincing fakes to buy him beer.