Issue 9 of The Beestonian

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The Beestonian Beestonian

ISSUE / June 2012:Spellcheckers Now 50% moreinlibellous... ISSUE95: Keeping Buisness Since 2011

The University _Page 2 of Beestonia University of Beestonia: MayFest Update ********** BESTonians: Horace’s Half Secret Garden Hour _Page 3 It’s possibly Beeston’s best loved shop, employs Brains Over Beeston *********** A56yup,people and welcome to Issue 9 of The Beestonian, and is, while retail takes a hit through Twin Bees your news, views and animal Gandhi themonthly(ish) downturn,free onesploosh of theofreal high street suc_Page 4 & 5 cartoons we choose to print out and scatter ‘round this cess stories. Yet, from April, it will be no more. ********** most wonderful town for you to find and digest. Stigma of the Stump We look into how this has been allowed to hapWe’d all like to thank you sincerely for the positive About Town with James Brian Golbey feed-back on the last Issue, where we took the immense Brown The a week before Christmas, outleap of news goingbroke from four to eight pages. As you and maythe recall, _Page 6 *********** wasmost unanimously baffled angry. round Wilkinsons, a wecry filled of this new spaceand by going pubs and long term and popular presence on the of High Street, was Au Contraire V STUDENTS writing about them. Such was the success this serious, Nora Moans to be demolished and hadjournalistic no new home to go to. hard-nosed, kidney-aching venture we have _Page 7 *********** Theheard first many part iscases hardly tram route haspub sugnow of news. peopleThe embarking on the Beeston Beats: Carly gested that Wilkos would be a casualty for around a crawl challenge we set. God-speed you, fearless alconauts! Collingwood on Bartons End of The World Wedecade, so it wasabsolved assumedofaall new site would found to for Unplugged are, however, liability when be it comes it.liver But when the tram got the finalen thumbs up in midany problems that might occur route. *********** _Page 8 December, triggering a batch of we Compulsory Issue 9 has a more cerebral tilt, as sniffle ourPurchase snouts Famous Last Words Orders, it suddenly became apparent that Wilkos had east of Broadgate and into the mysteries that lie on The Follow us on Next Issue still not found a new site. main campus. It’s an oft University of Nottingham’s Twitter: over-looked Beeston, despite thelocations: tremendously Horace’s Half Hour There havefacet beenofsuggestions of new the old profound effect it has had on our town, and not just fire station being just one, but despite fairit’s notice, time @TheBeestonian students. post-graduates andwill academics have has nowSupport run outstaff, : as such, Wilkos staff be offered

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(Twitter) (Twitter) @treasuryonline @treasuryonline


About Us:

moved here in or their droves asand Nottingham’s universities redundancy relocation, there will be a „hiatus of Wetrading‟. are a locally run, locally have expanded; we can’t help but think this has been a Story: Lord Beestonia and with the help based, regular, free paper thing morewho integration Town „Relocation‟ is hardly an option good for most ofand the feel staff.the Those work onbetween part-time conof Cllr. Janet Patrick and for Beeston and its environs. and Gown, the better. Hence our appearance, last month, tracts will not find travelling around, and possibly outside the county ,economically feasible. other helpful volunteers, took in over 2,000 signatures in at Nottingham University’s an introduction WeStaff are independent in all have not been given any sort of timeline on when this MayFest; will happen, and how longtothis just a few hours, a true example of a community pulling Beeston’s most famous academic residents, and lots more ways and not-for-profit, „hiatus‟ will last for. If the inaction and incompetency of the parties concerned in originally together to ensure that Beeston has a voice, and not so if we say we like it, we in the same reasons lain out within. we few also years, give room for shouldBoffin cats, by Lottie. finding a site continues manner it has done As for ever, the last no one merely at the mercy to the whims of developers, planning really mean it.their breath. dissenting voices; see Famous Last Words on page 8 for be holding committees and chain-store head offices. less positive responses, as well as Flamin’ Nora venting of Life (‘didn’t get the grades, so scraped into The You’ll find us in goodmaybe some hope. However, there Since the announcement broke, a huge groundswell has If you would like to make your voice heard, write to your spleen on her fellow students on page 6. Polytechnic of Existence through the clearing system), Beeston coffee shops, pubsand thus being developed, attracting, perpetuated by, media interest in the form of the BBC MP/local councillor, and sign the online petition at http:// We’re always intrigued to read your views so we’ve now isn’t at all jonesying for an honourary degree from the and other places we love. Radio Nottingham and The Nottingham Post. A petition was swiftly put together by myself, . made it even easier for you to let us know – see inside for Institution. Absolutely not. I’ll take a NVQ though, if how to speak your brains to us. you’ve got one knocking around... Of course, your Editor, who didn’t even go the University Lord Beestonia

UNIVERSITY of Beestonia

As I sit here munching pizza for my

tea, I can look back to the event, late last month, with fond memories and a certain sense of pride. Mayfest of 2012 brought many things and many people together (5000 of them in fact... people, not things... but more about them later) including my day job and what I do, sometimes, when the sun goes down... no, not that Lord Beestonia (it’s always him, filthy mind that one). It really was a great day – 5000 people at our sister institution East of Broadgate enjoying all that a university can offer. It’s amazing what goes on day-to-day on campus. I’m lucky as I get so see bits of it, especially the wonders of the world

being investigated by my colleagues in Geography, but there’s all sorts going on behind closed doors, and Mayfest is a great opportunity to get a peek behind those doors. Many of the departments and societies that make up the University were showing off their skills, as were many local community organisations, including a certain local newsletter, which I’ve seen people of all ages enjoying in the pubs and cafes of Beeston recently – it’s called The Beestonian. I think, you should look out for it. In Geography, we had about 100 people an hour through the door, most of whom hung around for a chat about climate change, the environment, the Occupy movement or the financial crisis, some also found time to sit down at a dining table and think about where their food comes from (Geography’s great!). I’m not sure what the other 4,600 people were up to, but we couldn’t have dealt with many more so I hope they were enjoying themselves elsewhere. They certainly were down at The Beestonian’s stand. There, sat in front of a supersized Lottie cartoon, Lord Beestonia

and Tamar held court and generally soaked up the praise. It was great to see Lord B meet his public – I hope they all survived the experience (that’s twice I’ve had a dig in 2 paragraphs – he edits this so I wonder how much will stay in?). (Note to self: cut most of this before print -Ed.) Professor Greenaway, The University of Nottingham’s Vice-Chancellor, blogged, “It is very important to open up what we do in the University in this way (whilst simultaneously showcasing activity for our own University community). It gives a real insight... into how research and scholarship can illuminate and transform the world around us.” That excitement was clearly on show at Mayfest, not just in those discussing the passion they have for their work, be it Geography or writing a Community Newsletter but also in the buzz of 5000 people on campus that day. We at The Beestonian would like to thank the Mayfest organisers for having us along and for a good day all-round, thank you muchly. Prof J

BESTonian - Beeston’s Finest: SECRET GARDEN Image:

To be honest, I doubt this article I’m

presently typing will ever make it to the printed page of The Beestonian. I have an awfully selfish feeling that I should keep it to myself, savour it for my own personal consumption, and revel in the fact the subject matter seems bizarrely unknown amongst Beestonians. Thus, I’m loathe to tell you, dear reader, where it is. Orwell did this in his famous essay on the perfect pub, his legendary Moon Under The Water. However, I’m not Orwell. And while I like the stuff he did on pigs and Channel 4 telly shows, his reticence in revealing his Shangri-la always strikes me as a bit snobbish. So I probably won’t publish this, and as such you’re not reading this. Which is a great relief, 'cos the place I’m going to be banging on about is possibly one of the most awe-inspiring splash of serendipity one could stumble upon. So I best keep schtum. If I was to publicise the fact that within a ten minute walk of

“I have an awfully selfish feeling that I should keep it to myself... ” Beeston’s most easterly quarter, Broadgate; there's a sculpted, peaceful oasis featuring tawny owls, newts and bats; one that has a wonderful high vista over the surprisingly bucolic surroundings; and set within a series of mini horological artworks set in topiary, mazes and sculpture that make you think you’ve walked into the lovechild of a distinctly improbable threesome between Capability Brown, Lewis Caroll and the Population of Switzerland, well, you’d all just flock there. After all, where can one sit in the

dusk bluster of pink and orange light coo and be soothed as the chatter of wood pigeon and finches give way to flitter and whooo of bats and owls, the sky dipping from azure to navy? Should I really tell you? Possibly not, 'cos it would only inspire you to spend an hour researching poetic names for differing shades of blue on the internet. It’s summer. We will one day devote a whole issue of The Beestonian to the incredible aceness of our outdoor environs. But for now, I urge you to get out of the house, seek such joys, find these islands of calm that both nature and shockingly intelligent civic planning bestow upon us. And if you must go up the Millennium Garden, top of the hill, University of Nottingham main campus, keep the noise down, OK? LB Disclaimer: equally fantastic dollops of calm are available Beeston-wide. Though they are yours to find.

Follow us on Twitter @TheBeestonian to give us your views or email us at


Brains Over Beeston. of Videos, showing the individual wonders of each Element in a highly entertaining way. So entertaining, in fact, they’ve been watched a staggering 23 MILLION times on YouTube. Go on, have a look: Watch out for our interview with him in our next Issue.

Sir Peter Mansfield

A Beeston Boffin, by Lord Beestonia.


ot only does Beeston massively out-perform in talent, pubs and local print media, but it also stands out like a large brainy sore thumb when it comes to Boffinage. Boffinage, in case you were unaware (and you will be, 'cos I just invented the concept) is the amount of genius that exists in one area. Thus, Oxford and Cambridge have strong Boffinage of about 9.1, and places of less concentrated intellect barely scrabble up the low single figures. Good going, Portsmouth. Beeston, however, with thanks to its proximity to Nottingham University, and its natural inspirational charms, comes in at a whopping 9.9, and may even hit double figures if I decide to move out. I see your cynical glares. But it’s true. And to illustrate it, here’s a profile of just three of the cerebral Überlords that grace the intellectual gravity hole we call home.

A Nobel prize winner, residing in Beeston? Oh yes, and one who’s also knighted, a Fellow of the Royal Society and has a medal tally that makes Michael Phelps look like Professor Martyn Poliakoff, a low-achiever. Sir Peter was the CBE. co-inventor of the MRI scanner; one Take two parts Einstein, three parts of the most important advances in medical history. Not bad for the son Doc Brown from Back to the Future and three drops of Doctor Yaffle from of a gas-fitter who failed his 11+. Despite being wooed by universities Bagpuss, boil for 17 minutes then worldwide to decamp and set up titrate into a Petri dish and - voila! you have grown your own, brilliantly coiffured chemist that is: Professor Martyn Poliakoff.

Professor Poliakoff has been here since 1979, lecturing at Nottingham University, and making sure science is open to all, not just a small bunch of experts who are a little too fond of equations. As such, he has tirelessly created a massively popular series of over 400 videos, The Periodic Table




OK, not officially a proper, actual Beestonian, but he did come here once, back in June, 1930. Already a iconic figure, he drew great interest from both physicists on campus, as well as students who were, like Einstein, German. Which would have been great if the German students understood Physics and the Physics students understood German. Sadly, they didn’t, so the Lecture Theatre was packed full of baffled academics and students, nodding politely while having no clue what was going on. I doubt Einstein was fazed by this, after all, he must have spent the

there, he has stayed in Nottingham since the early Sixties and still lives in Beeston, his head resolutely unturned by other climes. And who can blame him? Does Harvard have a statue of an relaxing apiarist? I think not. Oh, he’s also a trained helicopter pilot, which also means he is officially a Renaissance Man.

best part of his career eliciting such a response amongst his audience. Despite the calamitous nature of the lecture, some prescient audience member persuaded Albert to sign the blackboard he used, before they stuck a coat of lacquer over it and preserved it for all time. It’s still on the campus, the chalk as white as that bizarre afternoon 82 years ago. Regrettably, rumours that post-lecture Einstein was having a drunken argument in The Crown about Universal Field Theory to a bunch of Beestonian labourers who were more into Newtonian Hegemony can not be verified. LB

Beeston Town Hall. (Wikipedia)

Buninyong Town Hall. (Wikipedia)

Twin Bees.


ear not, our beloved Beeman has not spawned multiple offspring, but we, on behalf of you, our devoted, or casual/first-time, readers (we’re not fussy) have joined with a community newsletter 10,500 miles away to bring you More Community News!! At the heart of what we do at The Beestonian is the community who’s voice we hope to capture and share, and there are like-minded folk around the world doing similar things. Through glorious happenstance we have twinned our newsletter with that of the community of Buninyong in Victoria, Australia. Coming up in the next few issues we will compare Beeston and Buninyong (there are more similarities than you might think), and look at the histories of our respective publications (they have a 30 odd year head start on us, but it’s something to aim for...maybe...), and bring you community news effecting other human beings a few thousand miles away... ProfJ


Stigma Of The Stump. I

f there is one thing worse than modern public art it’s misunderstood modern public art. Robert Clark, leading art critic for The Guardian, wrote, “Sometimes it happens that art that is hard to write about is not written about and is therefore undervalued.” (2004) Ever since the quietest rumblings about the Square’s potential ‘face-lift’, there have been associated whisperings regarding the fate of a certain prominent piece of Beeston public art. Commonly, and fondly (by The Beestonian) or disparagingly (by other publications), referred to as ‘The Stump’ and, less commonly, ‘Pigeon Perch’, the marble tree trunk sculpture in Beeston Square could well be for the scrap-heap if more isn’t done to save it. After reading published views of Beeston residents keen to see the back of the sculpture, and much editorial in The Beeston Express … er … expressing similar views, it became apparent that a lot of people harbour a strong aversions to something which they admit they knew nothing about. Even its proper title was a mystery. Strange really, as this is a mystery quickly solved with a simple Google search. No need, however, as here, for your convenience, I hope to tell you a little about our mystery artwork! I must show my colours here though, as I openly intend to be able to convert a few of you who want to lose the stump into fully-fledged Pigeon Perch fanciers. I’d like you all to warm towards it; come to love it for what it is – rather than “loathe it”, lazily, for what it is not. So, I guess I should properly introduce you: Beestonians, meet ‘Water Head’; ‘Water Head’, meet Beestonians. Now shake hands and be nice. ‘Water Head’ was sculpted by award

‘Water Head’, by Paul Mason.

winning (and appropriately named) sculptor, Paul Mason. Mason was known for his large scale stone carvings, most of which were inspired by natural forms. Awarded a Royal Academy Gold Medal in 1976, Mason went on to win several awards for his work which exhibited around the UK and Europe - including Tate St. Ives and Bauhaus in Berlin. He taught at Loughborough, Staffordshire and Northumbria before being made Professor of Sculpture at Derby University in 2004. He was also Artist in Residence at Gloucester Cathedral and Tate St. Ives, and received commissions for public art for towns and cities up and down the country – including little ol’ Beeston. ‘Water Head’ clearly has a pedigree we should be proud of. Commissioned in 1989 by Barry Protheroe of Broxtowe Borough Council, it cost £25,000 and originally (as its name suggests) featured a cascade of gently flowing water. You may remember that ‘Leaf Stem’ near St Peter’s Church in Nottingham had the same feature. That was a Mason too. Both sculptures’ fountains were subject to water testing in the early ‘90s and just never reinstated. Mason is said to be following in the tradition of Henry Moore, and is often compared with Moore and Barbara Hepworth. These are big names in modern sculpture – possibly THE ONLY big names in modern sculpture the average (wo)man on the street may know (I haven’t researched this bit, but I’d put my Friday bus fare on it). These comparison are well-founded, for Mason’s tutor was himself a student of Moore; and during his residency at Tate St. Ives, Mason was commissioned to use actual stone from Hepworth’s actual studio to create pieces for his Paul Mason: New Sculpture for Tate St. Ives exhibition in 1996. Quite a heavyweight, then. And I don’t just mean the stone. I talked with Professor David Manley, a long-time friend and colleague of Mason, who has also written much about his work, “Paul is probably the most important sculptor of his generation in the Midlands … he lived locally, in Loughborough then Long Eaton for several years before moving to Derby when he was made Professor of Sculpture there.

Paul Mason in his studio. (Courtesy of D.Manley.)

“He was very much a traditionalist; obsessed with carving stone, like Moore – and was the kind of artist who liked to look at others’ work, work of all styles and form. He was very generous in that regard.” Mason was often keen to be involved in the setting of a piece (some of his favourite own work had their setting spotted first – such as Gloucester Cathedral, where Mason had visited a lot as a child; and Tate St. Ives, where his piece ‘The Internal Sea’ was made for a specific alcove Mason had seen when entering the gallery). It occurred to me that ‘Water Head’ probably wouldn’t be set as it is if Mason himself had had much to do with it. Looking at his other work for British towns, it’s easy to see ours as possibly the worst location of the lot. Harlow New Town managed it in a shopping area – why can’t we? Others have said they think the Square is the wrong setting for such

artwork and that it should be moved somewhere like Broadgate Park. They have a point here – a point I’ll come back to. However, I would like to stress that the problem isn’t the sculpture, it’s the Square. It’s not the sculpture’s fault that the Square is an abomination. It’s not the sculpture’s problem that the Square couldn’t be uglier if the clock had hands and they were human. No piece of public art would look good in the Square BECAUSE OF THE SQUARE. Had planners left it the hell alone in the ‘70s I think we’d all be a lot better off in the aesthetic stakes right now. Sadly, Paul Mason died in May 2006, aged just 54. Dedications to him from the people he worked with mention his generosity, kindness and enthusiasm for creative thinking. His pieces are quite solemnly beautiful; they often feature natural subjects - leaves, landscapes, plants, trees, organic shape, pattern and form. I like them. The more I see

of them, and discover about him, the more I like our own bit of his work.. It also brings home that someone did this. By hand. Someone sat and stood for a long time chipping away at a massive block of marble to make something for us, to make a tree trunk for our Square. We can’t ask him about it, or what he thought of its destiny. He was still alive when the water features of both ‘Water Head’ and ‘Leaf Stem’ were decommissioned. He had a studio in Long Eaton so may have passed Beeston Square on his way there. I imagine, after spending so much time working on something, it must have been quite disappointing to not have it much appreciated; to have it maligned – or overlooked entirely. My understanding is that part of the aim of Beeston’s regeneration is to showcase Beeston’s cultural and historical identity; and give it a more aesthetically pleasing aspect. One idea is to reopen the area around Beeston Parish Church, near the square.

Frankly, you could come and stare at my compost bin and see more pleasing an aspect than Beeston Square at the moment, so I think this idea is a really good one. There’s a gentle genius to sculpting a tree in stone for a town square. More so now because one of the few things ‘going on’ in Beeston is that trees are being cut down right, left and centre. Let’s assume – going back to the suggestion of moving the sculpture – that ‘Water Head’ is not going to stay where it is. Why not move it to Beeston Parish Church? There is a space where a very mature tree stood in the southern grounds (I remember it as an Oak tree?). Every spring the crocuses and daffodils still come up in a ring around where its trunk once was. What better than a tree of stone in a graveyard to remind us of Beeston’s tree population, lost through building works? The modern, calm form of Mason’s carving could be appreciated at last, and may well come to be fondly called ‘Water Headstone’

instead. Ideally, I’d like to see ‘Water Head’ reinstated as the water sculpture it was, taken off that nasty slab plinth and maintain its position at the centre of the Square – perhaps with a Yew edging to it (I know, I’m running away with this…). Nottingham has a huge water feature now, so it’s clearly not IMPOSSIBLE. Unfortunately, I think the powers-that-be won’t agree with me. So in the very least I would hope we can retain Mason’s piece in another central, visible place. I would be very cross to see it disappear for good; a lot was spent on it - in money and creative effort. But what does Beeston think to all this? Well, when asked, Councillors David Watts and Steve Carr both expressed their respective strong desire to see the removal of the sculpture, believing it to be a “waste of space”. There was no response from Anna Soubry. Many responses on Facebook and Twitter expressed disdain indifference and utter contempt. Two of you had

to be reminded what, and where, it is (you know who you are). Henry Boot plc explained that, they had no desire to remove the sculpture and that it belonged to Broxtowe Council… and Broxtowe Council told me that plans for Beeston redevelopment, “are not sufficiently advanced to have covered the fate (or otherwise) of the Water Head sculpture… I have no doubt that if plans become more developed and there are any proposals relating to the open part of the Square, then these will be made public.” So I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oh, and by the way – that art critic quote? By the eminent Robert Clark? He was actually talking about Mason when he said that. Thanks to all who’ve got in touch about this – keep it coming! Thanks go to David Manley for his kind help. TF

Down Town With James Brown. How

long until I get run over? Almost everyday I run the gauntlet of near-death in my beloved Beestonia. As I’m not a coddling female, 4x4gas-guzzling driver, I rely on mere shoe-leather to get my son to nursery. So here comes the first challenge, the crossing between The White Lion and Bubbleit. For some reason, unlike the other three sides to this crossroads there are no beeps and there is no green man flashing away to let me know it is safe to cross. The only choice, therefore, is a daily game of Chicken with the oncoming rush-hour traffic. After dropping off my (now traumatised) son I head back to work. About an hour later comes my second challenge of trying to cross between the bus station and that

god-forsaken thing of a supermarket. I wait patiently... and I wait... cars stop and I still wait... the cars start moving again and I realise I have missed my chance to cross. AH YES, ONCE AGAIN THERE ARE NO BEEPS OR HELPFUL GREEN MEN TO GUIDE ME OVER. As my being constantly over-served at my local pub will testify, I’m often quite blind, so I always find this crossing difficult. Having to rely solely on my impaired vision to cross is a risky business. After some kind Samaritan has guided me across, I make my way to Hallam’s for my fresh fruit and veg, where I’ll often be tempted into buying fish with a name I have never heard of before (and was probably concocted over a few ales the previous

evening). I digress... At the final crossing, Wollaton Road, waiting with the masses of Beestonians, I look for the lights to safely cross but see none. I cannot see round the corner (alas, I am not Inspector Gadget) to see any oncoming traffic. We all wait patiently, primed to a hint of a suggestion that the lights have changed, like sprinters on the blocks waiting for the B of the starting pistol BANG! Suddenly, from the pack emerges a zimmer-framed pensioner ‘going for it’; the traffic halts, even the boy-racer realises there are not many bonus points awarded for mowing a pensioner that frail over, and screeches his Citroen Saxo to a standstill. We all make a dash for it and make it with no casualties – this time.

In summary then, I often wonder why within a few hundred yards of Station Road/Wollaton Road we have four crossings, of which three are completely unsafe to cross. Should I ask our dear friends at Broxtowe Council or should I ask our Beeston BID team to spend money on safe crossings rather than those very expensive, unused, inaccurate touch screens things that litter our High Street? Let me know your thoughts. James Brown is the Benign Overlord of The Crown Inn, Beeston You can send your messages to James here at The Beestonian. Email us: thebeestonian@gmail. com and we’ll publish your views next issue.


Au Contraire: STUDENTS ND: T

he reasons I hate, yes hate, students far exceed the reasons I hate other things. And there are a lot of things I hate in this life. Before you even think it, don’t. Just don’t, OK? Yes I am a student too, yes I own a student card but I have never done half of the things 99% of students do. Like urinating on a rival university for instance. And unlike a lot of people who go to university “for the experience and lifestyle” I went because I figured having some sort of higher education might help me realise my dream of a big house filled with many cats and a collection of shoes that puts to shame even the most experienced of hoarders. Oh and last time I checked there was no rule stating you can’t hate what you are. Go watch Beauty and the Beast if you don’t believe me. So why my hatred? Let’s start off with the fact that most plead “poverty” while sipping on an £8 cocktail in Saltwater. Having truly lived the ‘student life’ in the shadowy depths of Lenton, the only thing I spent £8 on in one transaction was my weekly food shop. Admittedly, I chose to spend my money on clothes half of the time but it was one or the other. While still on the subject of student poverty, I put to you the following question: if you were indeed that poor, would you really take a taxi into/out of town, costing you £6, just to avoid the 15 minute walk? Because I sure didn’t. I walked my fat ass up and down that hill daily because £6 is a lot of money for a student who is truly poor! I’d like to now put all worried minds at rest when I expose to you the truth: Most students aren’t poor, because they are bestowed with grants and bursaries every few months, which they then go and spend on Vivienne Westwood bags and their daily taxi rides. I mean, it isn’t like I’m jealous for never being given so much as a half price book to keep me happy. But let’s move on from my blatant jealousy onto the other reasons I’m ashamed of being a student. Have you ever had the privilege of being on a bus with students sat within hearing distance? Have you had to sit through 15 minutes of, “Well, Tarquin and I are hitch-hiking to Somalia next week. We’re doing it all for charity you know.”? Yeah, well good luck, because even if you get to Somalia, there’s no way you’re coming back in


one piece. Act like your parents never taught you to stay out of strangers’ cars… I would, however, gladly give those girls money to hitchhike to Somalia purely to have them leave this country and never return. “We’ll be stopping off in Morocco for 2 days. I’m ever so excited.” Yeah, well I hope you enjoy being trafficked around the world, fool. Next stop – Booze Town. How do students drink lethal amounts of alcohol and still manage to turn up to a 9am lecture the following day? Admittedly, they’re wearing pyjamas and flip flops

had resorted to cannibalism. One of the more memorable nights of my life consisted of seeing 2 students literally roll down Derby Road before one got knocked down by a car, which resulted in his friend screaming the street down, convinced his partner-in-crime was fatally wounded. He wasn’t. He got to his feet and threw up everywhere. Just your typical Saturday night, really. Finally, I will end with this, because I can go on for days about how and why and when and where I hate on students. But please, somebody tell

in February but they are there, front row and pen at the ready. And there’s me with 2 cups of coffee, clothes on backwards and absolutely no ability to hold a pen at this time of morning. But at least my make-up looks good. I truly believe the secret is living on campus. If I lived on campus, do you think I’d get up for a lousy lecture and actually bother to comb my hair? No, I would leave my bed until precisely 10 minutes before said lecture and roll in all fresh faced, smelling of vodka and shame like the rest of those imbeciles. But guess what, I don’t live on campus or possess a liver of steel so on the rare occasion I do go out drinking, I am not getting up at 7am and dragging my sorry self to a nauseating lecture while possibly suffering from acute pancreatitis. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that students are terrible neighbours. I have spent many nights wondering if the people next door are screaming because they’re having fun or because somebody is really hurt. Once I considered the possibility that maybe we were at the same financial level (broke) and they

me how those people (yeah I’m not considering myself as one of them anymore) manage to party all night, every night and still get decent grades?! I really want to know because I slave over my degree and still haven’t been awarded a distinction in anything other than being a sarcastic, more pessimistic and hateful female Loki (read a comic book). If you have any information or spells on partying to achieve good marks please don’t hesitate to send them so I can read them in next month’s issue. ND


Students are my livelihood. There, I’ve said it. I need them. If there were no students in Nottingham I, and thousands like me would be kinda stuck; stuck for a job, stuck for people to make the place look busy, stuck for punters, stuck for the majority of their readership, stuck for someone to nick from... the list is endless. In fact, in my household, we’re 100% student-centric. I work to help the arty-farty ones at Nottingham Trent and he teaches the

next generation of book nerds bound for Univille. So, I’d have to wade-in and defend their corner, really. However, having never actually BEEN one ( it was never going to happen, so the sooner I found a job and got on with it the better) I probably qualify for doing so with an aside of derision. Unless we’re going make the subject of this more SPECIFIC, Nora, you’re going to have to settle down and accept the fact that, were we on a sinking ship and the ‘last out’ were to be all those called “Students”, you’d be well and truly without a paddle… or boat. There you’d be: huddled with the Saskia Bermondsley-Varsitys; Jack Willswearing, preppy Sports Science dudes; the girls who think talking like a idiot and still wearing Monday’s make up on Thursday will make them attractive to the opposite sex; the be-suited Business Studies anaemic, and all the individuals who ring the bus bell for their stop DEAD LATE – or, I swear, ring the bell and then wait for the bus TO STOP AT THE STOP before clambering down the stairs to get off. Jeez. They are your kin. Whether you’re the ‘good’ sort of Student or not. Tar one; tar them all. Now, I’m a reasonable person. Mostly. So let’s say that we make that sinking ship ‘call’ a little more narrow-of-field. Let’s say the Captain shouts, “ LAST OOT (he’s a Scot – all the best ones are): the bird’s-nest hair gals who carry Louis Vuitton bags and yet try to get away with not paying their library fines due to “hardship”!! AFTAY THEM: The boys who dress like Royals!! AFTAY THEM: people doing “Business Studies”!! AFTAY THEM: all female students wearing tights as outer clothing!! LAST OF ARL: anyone with attendance 20% or lower for tutorials or seminars; OR anyone called Jonty Rothschild!!” There. See. You’d be in the boat with me. And we could wait until them lot are in the last boats and throw flotsam at them until they promise to quit the moaning/back-combing/putting their collars up/bunking off or promise to change their name to something that doesn’t sound like something you might use to turn soil in your veg patch. Would that make you happy, NoraBelle? ‘Cos that’s all I want, after all. TF P.S. How’s the revision going?

Beeston Beats… F

olks, there are new musical rumblings in the dustbowl that is Chilwell Road. Remember that kitchen design place? Well, for a while now it has been reclaimed by Barton House and is being used as an event space. Some of you may remember it hosting a lot of the music during the Oxjam 2011 Takeover. During said event, whilst slightly under the influence, I was approached by a rather excited Simon Barton, who was overjoyed with the success of the it and had visions of Barton House becoming the new Hacienda. I for one thought that was great, carried on boozing and wondered if Simon Barton was going to become the Tony Wilson of Beeston. Zip forward to now; I’m still boozing and there are musical nights in the pipeline at Barton House, courtesy of Beeston resident, Oxjam organiser and musician Carly Collingwood. Carly has worked as a performing and record artist in her own right, but now prefers to host musical events. This is why we have the rather wonderful sounding Bartons Unplugged. Each night is themed, with the first one being an Americana night. We are also promised cocktails! JW: Bartons proved itself at Oxjam as a great space for putting on music, what was the impetus for Bartons Unplugged? CC: Bartons Unplugged, and lots of the other events at Bartons this year, came about from Bartons having worked with a number of different

Barton House, 61 High Road, Chilwell

the acoustic intimacy of performances by artists such as Joan Baez or Bob Dylan - or Later with Jools Holland. And cocktails? At each Bartons Unplugged we will be having a classic cocktail of the night that loosely tiesin with the theme and adds to the feel. For example, we will have Whisky Old Fashioned at our Americana night and JW: As a musician yourself, do Mojito for our Latin American night. you feel this has an effect on the JW: Your first night is Americana type of act you book? CC: It does in some ways but not in themed. ‘Americana’ seems to others. Every Bartons Unplugged cover a lot of bases from Country, session will have a different theme, Rock, Alt Rock and some things the first one is an Americana, the in-between even I can’t think of, second Latin American, but in tell us more about your first act , general we will aim to keep the Jason McNiff? line-ups varied and interesting by CC: Americana is a fast-growing scene showcasing a mix of international, at the moment, you can follow it by upcoming and local acts – with reading artist reviews at websites such perhaps even an open-mic element. as It is a descriptive term that is being used JW: Tell us about the layout more and more in the UK, particularly structure and vibe of the night, by the upcoming acts themselves who how will the space be used (and are inspired by American roots music please be sure to talk about the and American culture traditions. But it is also a term that is particularly used cocktails)? CC: In a nutshell, we want to organise by artists who use a fingerpicking / the space in a way that brings out fingerstyle guitar technique – just the best in the artist and creates think Joan Baez or Nick Drake. an intimate relationship between Many of today’s upcoming Americana audience and performer. That said, acts are influenced by artists The Gallery is a large space. But who spearheaded the folk revival there are lots of things we can do to revolution during the late ‘50s and achieve this atmosphere, like having early ‘60s. But Americana is a broad audience seating close to and around term that does cover a lot, and also has most sides of the stage; trying to nostalgic connotations. As an artist, remove some of the sense of the it’s always good to be able to describe separation you get with larger stages your work concisely and poetically. and bright stage lighting. Just think of Our main act for the night, Jason artists or promoters before putting together a programme of events for 2012. The Gallery in particular seems to work really well for things like theatre, music and comedy and this was shown by the success of past events such as Carnival Of Monsters and Oxjam Takeover during 2011.

McNiff, is a stunning example of a singer/songwriter who is a true poet and has mastered the fingerstyle guitar technique. He’s had rave reviews by Americana UK and has international acclaim. Described by Time Out as a “triumph of English-Americana”, and as the ‘nearest thing out there to Bob Dylan and The Band’ by the BBC, you will not be disappointed. I really can’t think of a better artist for an Americana night. Also performing is upcoming act Simon Stanley Ward.

Barton House, 61 High Road, Chilwell, Nottingham, NG9 4AJ

Tel: 0115 925 7766 Tickets are £5 online (www.trch. , £7 on the door. You can pick them up for a snip – £3 each – exclusively at The Guitar Spot.

Jimmy Wiggins can be found selling guitars and all things guitar-based at The Guitar Spot, Chilwell High Road, Beeston.

Current albums for Simon and Jason, Saturday's acts at Bartons.


Famous Last Words… Get in touch on Facebook, Twitter, Beestonia’s blog or via email. We’ll publish your rants, raves, rebuttals and kind words here for all to see... I enjoyed the item about Beeston’s pubs in Issue 8. However, there were a few factual errors: (1) The Hop Pole is not “half in Chilwell and half in Beeston”. This interesting ‘fact’ is often heard, but it is a myth. The pub is wholly in Chilwell, as the Parish Boundary runs between the Hop Pole and the next building, now Crossplay Music. (2) The Crown is not Beeston’s oldest pub. It opened sometime between about 1835 and 1841, almost certainly as a result of the passing of the Beerhouse Act of 1830, and the actual building probably predates its use as a pub. Surviving Ale House Recognizances (licences) for Nottinghamshire pubs from 1810 to 1823, list The White Lion, The Three Horseshoes, The Greyhound and The Durham Ox in Beeston, but there is no reference to the Crown. Apart from the Three Horseshoes, (now closed and demolished), the other three still exist, although the actual buildings are either more recent or have been much altered over the past 200 years. Alan Dance (P.S. For a much more detailed history of the Crown, see my article in ‘Beeston Echoes’ (No. 36, Spring 2011), the magazine of the Beeston & District Local History Society.) (We’re always very glad for the facts, Alan, so many thanks for this. I guess the street name signage outside The Hop Pole doesn’t help this myth dying out... Henceforth, The Crown Inn will be known as The Oldest Pub In Beeston That Isn’t The White Lion Or The Greyhound! TF) As a counterbalance to Jacqui Storey’s enthusiastic reportage of the engagement of the University with the ‘local community’ (Issue 5), I would like to draw attention to the entirely

different negative effects on Beeston resulting from the expansion of the University. The ‘To Let’ epidemic, stimulated by the expansion of student numbers, blights more and more of Beeston’s residential areas. We are holed up in the Rylands, hoping the blight does not cross the railway bridge and affect us too. The visible results are all too obvious – properties are rundown and a sense of semi-dereliction creeps in. And more and more streets seem to succumb with every passing year. Ask any non-university Beeston resident and they will confirm this! Now you may say that this is unintended, and you would be right - it is only ‘free’ market forces at work! But that does not make the problem disappear or eliminate the ‘social costs’ (as academic economists would call it) borne by the Beeston community. How about the University, in its rush to be the academic version of Tescopoly, recognising the effect it has? At the least, publish my letter and let us have a ‘debate’ about it! Mike Rooke, Meadow Road, Beeston Your comments on Facebook when we asked, ‘The Stump: Should It Stay Or Go?” “The what?” (David Briody) “ [it’s] fairly missable. I mean this literally, as in - it’s easy not to notice.” (Roshan Rai) “Water sounds good. Bring back the water!” (Amy May) “It’s horrible, get rid!” (Kate Cargreaves) “Even the pigeons don’t like it.” (Steve Carr) “Well I’ve just seen some of the monuments in Edinburgh. And the stump is just that in comparison...” (Alex Bitsios-Esposito) “I used to like it when water came out of

the top and when it got windy it would wet people as they went past. Great on a winters day! :-) Well I have a memory of that or did i dream it? lol” (Richard Paul Bradshaw Filmy)

Get In Touch: @TheBeestonian

The Dreamy Team Editor, writing, sobbing, production, control-freakery, puns and Statesmen-like Ambassadorial duties: Lord Beestonia. NEXT ISSUE: Roshan Rai, Beeston eateries - we review, recommend and remember all the places we like to fill our boots in, Lord B interviews Beestonia’s Best Takeaway expert, Au Contraire, all your letters, Horace’s Half Hour, Beeston Beats, our BESTonian... and anything else that lands in our lap between now and July.

"No one knows quite why some Catholics become Physicists, they just do. " Anon

Gentle Yorkshire burrs and Dean of University of Beestonia: Prof J. Sub-editor & Design n’ Tings: Tamar. IT support and gentle encouragement: Queen Weasel / Luke / Benji Biro / Ian M. Illustrations and General Feline Matters: Lottie. Top-Notch Scribes: Nora Dimitrova, Tamar Feast & Jimmy Wiggins. Quiz by Horace.

Horace’s Half Hour

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Let’s Get quizzical…

Huge thanks to our contributors, sponsors, stockists, regular readers and anyone who has picked this up and resisted the temptation to fold it into a paper aeroplane.

Send Your Answers In For A Chance To Win… Prestige. 1. What were the Montgolfier

5. Where in Beeston would you find

9. Which was Britain's first National

Brothers famous for?

an area known as ‘The Pyramid’?


2. What is the 15th letter of the

6. Which singer was born Annie Mae

10. The name 'Chilwell' comes

Greek alphabet: Sigma, Omicron or


from the fact there once was a cold


7. What sport is played by the

(chilled) spring (well) there?

3. Who or what is a Devon Rex?

Sheffield Steelers?

4. Which football club play home

8. What was the first name of The

games at the Memorial Stadium?

Fonz in TVs 'Happy Days'?

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