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The

o✝ Beestonian

ISSUE 17: NOT more deadly than the Mail

_Page 2 The University of Beestonia BESTonian _Page 3 Thanks for the mammaries HORACE'S HALF HOUR _Page 4 / 5 NOT the end of the Road: Chilwell/High Road Mind the gap! _Page 6 Au Contraire: Being a man _Page 7 Beeston Beats: Emma Bladon Jones _Page 8 Famous Last Words Thought For The Month

About Us: We are a locally-run, locally-based, regular, free paper for Beeston and its environs. We are independent in all ways and not-for-profit, so if we say we like it, we really mean it. You’ll find us in good Beeston coffee shops, pubs and other places we love.

FREE

Is femme fatal? Before you turn and run – or the pub-goer’s equivalent: put me back in the Nottingham Drinker rack and go have a wee, RELAX. The Beestonian has not turned into 'The Broxtowe Eunuch'. This issue is merely taking a slightly different form to usual. Take a look inside: there's still The University of Beestonia, BESTonian, Au Contraire and Beeston Beats; all your usual favourites are here. We’re just mixing things up a little. Mainly to illustrate that we can, quite easily, but also in the hope that we might discover some fresh perspectives. It was Issue 5 when I came on board The Beestonian as ‘crew’. It was Issue 6 when I, clad not in dungarees, f**ckme shoes and bird's-nest hair, but jeans, a 'No More Page 3' T-shirt and a perfectly-coiffed fringe, mooted the idea of a ‘feminist’ issue. Not so much as a ‘special’ issue, but a regular issue, just with fewer of those ubiquitous Y chromosomes. We all had a good laugh about it, there were particularly jolly japes at suggestions of Jimmy wearing a dress to his next muso interview, and Lord Beestonia offering to make the tea and take the minutes. But I was serious.

I guess in some ways The Beestonian serves as a viable metaphor for society: fifty percent of the regular ‘staff’ (if you can call our half-dozen, troupe of ne’erdo-well volunteers ‘staff') are female, it’s headed by a fella and, though we usually write about things which affect everyone, the majority of our stories, sources and subjects are male-centric. I’ve said before how much more difficult it is to write about female BESTonians. Many of our best known locals have been male. There are women, of course, but less is known about the women of the past, and fewer women exist in positions of ‘interest’ and power than men – even in 2013. Of course, we do have a female MP. But this has, well... how can I put this delicately? erm, ‘not helped’; being as she often calls up more negative than positive comments and strength of feeling. At least we can assert that this is not because she is a woman, but some other reason(s). We all know women. Some of us are women. If you’re not a woman, maybe some of your best friends are women. Women make up 51% of the population, and more women vote than men, but only 22% of MPs; 23% of judges and 31% of local

councillors are female. Women earn 90% of the wage of their male counterparts. That’s 10% less. For just not being a man. If you knew the guy next to you at work earned more than you just because he was called Geoff, you’d probably be a bit peeved. Unless you’re called Geoff. In England and Wales, around 1 in 5 women has been the victim of rape or attempted rape – that’s 69,000 women. Of these, just under 17,000 register as crimes. Of which, just over 2,900 go to court. Less than half of them end in convictions. (I’ve been in court on a jury for such cases. It’s NOT GOOD in there.) Continued on page 3


The University of Beestonia Think scientist. Think tweed. No, actually, think beardy weirdy. In a peculiar knit (sorry Prof. J). Seriously, the perception of a scientist amongst young people today, and especially young females, is not quite on target. There are all sorts of reasons why women are under-represented in science, some of them due to the lack of female mentors and promotion of science to girls at school. There was a wonderful EU advert in 2012 that aimed to promote women in science, using what only could be described as ‘glamour models’ in lab coats, wielding lipstick. Great. Well done. The advert was so badly received that it was pulled. In a similar vein, the journal Nature ran a special 2013 issue for International Women’s Day. There were many positive aspects,

but they failed to highlight the real problems that women face – suggesting that to do well in science you have to be juggling your three year-old twins in one hand and a test tube in another like Super Science Woman! The lack of women in science is, disappointingly, due to appalling attrition rates in science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM). Over 50% of the intake at undergraduate level in STEM subjects is female, however, by the time you reach senior lecturer or professorial level, the figures for women remaining in science drops to less than 10%. The dropout rates of women in science often coincide with the ages many women start a family - the late 20s/early 30s – but there are plenty of ladies who work in science who do not yet have a family, or choose not to

have a family, yet hurdles are still in place: the glass ceiling. Inherently, there seems to be an issue with women and promotion in science. Often overqualified, women have to ‘prove’ that they can do the role; whereas boards are more likely to promote men on the promise they can do. Discussions of female ‘quotas’ highlight the need to elevate more women to managerial roles/executive boards, but some argue it’s degrading – it is possible for women to get these roles from their own merit. But if you don’t have women to select (from poor attrition to begin with) they’ll continue to be under-represented, leaving little for women to aspire to. Work needs to be done at the lower levels – keeping women in science and getting women back into science after a career break.

We’ve still not quite hit equality when it comes to females in the work place. But maybe it’s not all bad news (I don’t like to be a harbinger of doom and gloom). So where do we go? There needs to be some serious dialogue in academia and amongst the science community…and this conversation has to involve men! The UK needs a culture shift. It needs to be driven (in part) by the Government. We could take lessons from Scandinavia and let men take up the child care, but also leave the path open to women who want to return to science. There is support for female scientists and engineers through WISE (wisecampaign. org.uk) and Athena SWAN (athenaswan.org.uk). So come on ladies, what are you waiting for? Let’s show the guys how it’s done! Mrs Prof. J

BESTonian - Beeston’s Finest: Margaret Cooper

Margaret Cooper

(courtesy of N. Bostock)

Margaret Cooper lived in Beeston all her life. Beeston, in many ways, was at the centre of her life. Born in 1914, she had four brothers and sisters. Her mother had been a teacher, and her father a manager at the Humber Works. Margaret lived in the same house from the age of four until her final years, she had a strong connection with Beeston. She had a passion for history and music. The stories of the past

she imparted to local children through her long and respected career as a teacher, and to adults by way of her talks and published books on a subject close to any Beestonian’s heart: Beeston. Margaret got involved in things – she was a doer in every sense of the word. She was one of the first air raid wardens in Beeston, with a bomb-proof air raid post in her back garden; attended Guiding events with Royalty and was party to the opening of the University of Nottingham by King George V in 1928. Active in Girl Guides since childhood, her church choir and the local history society - of which she would be President all through her adult life, at the age of 95 Margaret even braved the bad winter conditions of 2009 to sing with the Beeston Methodist Carol Choir along Beeston High Road, a choir she first began conducting in 1949. Local historians and the ‘generally curious’ about local history will probably know Margaret best for her published books on Beeston and her work with the Beeston and District

Local History Society. There was so much she could tell us, because she was so interested in local life, and history was her specialism, and education was an important part of Margaret’s life. After becoming a teacher of history and music, then a head teacher chosen to open Charnwood School in Clifton (and still hands-on teaching the whole time) she finally retired in 1976. Retirement for her, however, was crammed with community work, her local interests and her writing.

" Retirement for Margaret was crammed with community work, her local interests and her writing." Amongst other things, Margaret wrote about the history of the schools in which she had taught

in The History of Bentinck School and The History of Nether Street School 1898 1998; her church in Seeking to Serve and The History of Nottingham West Circuit of the Methodist Church; and what she knew of Beeston in In Search of Historic Beeston (Illustrated by David Bowen), The Beeston Story and A Victorian Lady’s Dairy 1838-1842: The diary of Elizabeth Nutt Harwood (as Editor). All proceeds from these books, and the historical talks she gave at local societies, clubs and charity groups, she donated to Oxfam. In 2002, Margaret was made an Honorary Freeman of Broxtowe in recognition of her tireless contribution to the local community, and, at the age of 97, she unveiled the blue plaque for Beeston’s 14th Century village cross, adjacent to Manor House – where the local history group she was a member of since its inception, was founded. Margaret Cooper, who died on 11 September 2012, shortly before her 98th birthday, was truly an inspirational local lady. TF


According to the UN, women aged 15-44 are more at risk from rape and domestic violence than from cancer, motor accidents, war and malaria. Add to that the fact that it’s more likely to be their fella or a family member or someone they know who attacks them, and you've reason to feel that women are still clutching the mankier end of the society stick. Now, ask someone if they’re a Feminist and many will screw their face up and say “no way, I don’t like that word”, or just hold their hands up and say “I don’t know what it means.” The latter is understandable – there are many schools of feminist theory, but the Oxford Dictionary gives a straightforward definition of a ‘Feminist’ as “an advocate or supporter of the rights and equality of women.” Some people fear it because it has had, and continues to get, bad press. But, to my mind, it's not just about equality – those things should be covered by LAW. It's as much about liberation. After all, men are not free – who wants to be equal to that? – but they are a damn-sight more free than women. To those who point out that this should just "go without saying": you’re absolutely right, it should. Unfortunately, you only have to look on the news, read a magazine or talk to young people around you to realise that it doesn't get said. So there we are. Feminism: Back By Popular Demand. In this month’s issue, gently and with hands so deft we’re hoping you won’t notice, we‘d like to bring you an issue to swing the balance a smidge. It's not The She-stonian or a Women's Issue. The best way to show the benefit of change is sometimes not to highlight it at all. So, 'not highlighting it at all', we have Jimmy and Lord Beestonia's viewpoints on 'Being a Man' for Au Contraire; Nora dons her bestest headphones for her take on local singersongwriter, Emma Bladon Jones; our guest columnists all happen to be ladies with something interesting to say. And Horace? Well he's just in a dress. See, that wasn't so bad, was it. TF

Thanks for the mammaries

No More Page Three Vs EGOLAND - well, nearly…

Life in No More Page 3 HQ is a roller-coaster of emotions. From the highs of passing another milestone on the signature count (at time of writing 88,555) to the sadness and horror of hearing one woman's story of being sexually assaulted surrounded by images like page 3; from the frustration of fielding diatribes of misogynistic trolling to the inevitable silliness of tit jokes that we share when letting off a little steam. The place is a hive of ideas, activity and humour from a team of truly inspirational and extraordinary women. I say women yet we are excited about expanding our team by two more supporters including our first male. New members are now entering the campaign on a real high

following our most successful move yet, hitting The Sun where it hurts: in their pocket. So upset was one supporter with the promotion LEGO were running in The Sun for the fifth time (a promotion aimed at children collecting tokens to redeemin exchange for toys) that he started a petition to draw the toy manufacturer's attention to the inappropriate nature of pointing children towards a publication containing objectifying, soft pornographic images. The petition attracted 12,000 signatures and after that and 100s of tweets and emails LEGO announced that no further promotions would follow. Yay! This is an important victory and we now look to other Sun advertisers and stockists to consider the image of their brand and whether the sexist and degrading dinosaur that is The Sun with page 3 truly fits that image. When the revolution comes will they want to be left looking silly for not having acted sooner? Yes people, the revolution tackling media sexism in the UK is well underway. Things are going well… really well. We are forging on with signatures, our Facebook and Twitter follower numbers are

in five figures, NUS women's conference backed us 100% and six universities boycott The Sun in support of NMP3 (numerous others are now pushing for the same including Nottingham and Derby). The Sun has already dropped page 3 four times so far this year, (more times than in the whole of 2012), and Murdoch has mumbled something incoherent about ‘fashionistas’ which nobody really understood, but which earned us over 20,000 more signatures. We have so many exciting developments I'm struggling to hold my bladder let alone my tongue and I am over the moon to be a part of this. I work with a great team, sometimes we get to do sometimes bonkers things I never dreamed I'd do. More importantly, I am standing with over 86,000 people saying, ‘For pity's sake it is 2013! It's time we saw more women in the press – women we can aspire to be; being the funny, talented and amazing 51% of the population we know we are - in all our clothes, standing up straight, without a pout; making news.' Lisa Clarke To sign the petition online go to: http://chn.ge/QTA1G5

Horace’s half hour DOING THIS QUIZ AND SCRATCHING YOUR HEAD? THAT'S MULTI-TASKING! (want to know THE ANSWERS? GAH, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT EVENTUALLY...)

1. What was the name of the two schools that were on Church Street? 2. What shop is on the site of Beeston's original Tesco store? 3. What street was the terminus of Nottingham City Transport's number 4A bus? 4. What was the name of the cinema that stood on the junction of Queens Road and Station Road?

5. In what year did Beeston railway station open: 1839, 1849 or 1859? 6. Where in Beeston is the Hope Boar War Memorial statue? 7. In which year did George the Beekeeper appear on the High Road? 8. What was the name of the gent's outfitters that for many years stood on the corner of the High Road and

Station Road? 9. What was the former name of Wollaton Road: Butcher's Lane, Grocer's Lane or Coal Lane? 10. What was the name of the engineering factory opposite the Hope Pole pub? 11. Which men's fashion designer was born in Beeston? 12. During WWII Barton transport used what fuel in some of their buses?

ANSWERS: BEESTON MANOR INFANTS AND JUNIORS / ICELAND / IMPERIAL ROAD / THE ESOALDO / 1839 / BROADGATE PARK / 1987 / VICTOR OADES / BUTCHER'S LANE / MYFORD'S / SIR PAUL SMITH / GAS (IN A BAG ON THE ROOF)

(Continued from Page 1)


NOT the end of the Road Your local independents need YOU!

Here’s a taste of what’s on offer along Chilwell High Road – the independent heart of Beeston.

CHILWELL ROAD STREET PARTY You may have picked up this Issue of The Beestonian from a cold and possibly rain-sodden Lord Beestonia on the Oxjam / Beestonia stall. We're there to fully support Chilwell Road, and will continue to do so throughout the closure. If you're reading this inside the Hop Pole / Chequers or Bar at the post-street party party, that's 'cos we like pubs. We're hoping that this becomes not just a one-off, but a recurrent event: we have the road, let's use it. Chilwell Road dead? No way. Let's ensure it has more life in it than ever before, and not only survives, but thrives. "In less than 500 metres we have: a restaurant and grill, a photographer's studio, a corner shop, a newsagents, a couple of beauticians, a vegetarian cafe, a hifi shop, a chip shop, an art shop, a deli, a tattoo parlour, a cafe, a bike shop, a sandwich bar, a printers, a bed shop, about 3 hairdressers, a bar, a antique/ bric-a-brac shop, a home & gift shop, a yarn shop, a guitar shop, a balti house, a small pizza takeaway, a music shop, two pubs, a cob shop, a fabric shop, a cafe/event space and a garage... plus any we missed. That's what's so great about Chilwell High Road." So wrote Tamar on our Facebook page recently, and she’s right. We have a jewel of a street, populated by unique, non-chain shops. It’s exactly what keeps a town unique, as far removed from the souless retail experience that is T**co as it’s possible to get. If you think Beeston runs from The Square to Broadgate, then you’re missing out. Chilwell Road is now closed to through-traffic. As such, traders there are unsurprisingly anxious about the future. We want you to go down there, see what great stuff they have on offer and use them...or lose them. Here's just a taste of what to find along the way… No: 112: Auntie Gwen’s Attic It’s tiny, but it’s a treasure trove. A bizarre mix of antiques, bric-

a-brac and toys, you can spend ages in here going ‘Oh! I used to have one of them!’ and feeling a desire to buy up their extensive range of old Star Wars figures. But why the strange name? Pop in and ask: it’s a great story. Open Thursday, Friday and Saturdays.

No: 57-59 Beeston Bed centre Established in 1985 Beeston Bed centre is a family run business. Turn your dreams into reality and with free local delivery and huge stocks in store.

No: 90-94 Relish Fully licensed café on Chilwell Road, Beeston. Tempting, No: 100 Chilwell Road, delicious range of fresh, Beeston, No: 2 and No: 17 High homemade ‘eats’. Road, Chilwell: relishbeeston.co.uk The Bar, The Hop Pole and The Chequers No: 102 Cameron House Stock beautiful gifts from well Three very different pubs, but known brands such as Cath each one earns a salute from Kidston, Lily Flame, East of The Beestonian from there longIndia and Jelly Cat. term support for Oxjam. The cameronhouseshop.co.uk Chequers was my drinking hole while at college, so it also wins points for ensuring I failed two No: 106 The Guitar Spot out of my three A-Levels and No: 128-130 Crossplay Music avoided getting a proper job, You’re lucky to find one instead, I set this magazine up. shop in a whole town where Cheers, pub! professional musicians sell you instruments and musical related stuff: Chilwell High Road has No: 25-27: Latino's Latino Italian Restaurant TWO. The Guitar Spot is has "a long-established famous in these pages as being reputation for fine dining under the stewardship of blues and delicious rustic legend, bon viveur and writer home-style cuisine". Which in these pages, Jimmy Wiggins; basically means they do a really while Crossplay deals in a wider great steak, have generous variety of instruments, under portions and fancy tableware. the auspices of the genial Mick. A good place for a date, or for a An unaccountable amount of family meal (they're great with talent has spawned from these kids) - they'll even take you in two places, and by popping in the kitchen to show you your you too could be the new Jake food being cooked if you sound Bugg. But with a better haircut. interested enough. And not from bloody Clifton. latino-restaurant.co.uk guitarspot.com

No: 61 High Road, Chilwell Bartons We frequently praise the wonder of Barton’s, so we’ll keep this brief. It’s a huge venue that expect another year of utterly different events by our own Anthony H. Wilson, Simon Barton, including cinemas, art installations, book festivals and comedy gigs...and some exciting unconfirmed stuff in the pipeline. Watch this space. bartonsplc.co.uk Those with any sense of creative urge of served well. As well as the music shops, the High Road also boasts an art shop (the Alladins Cave that is Artwork); a fabric emporium (Fabric Place) and a knitter’s paradise, Yarn. Those who prefer to have others do art on them can visit the pun-tastic Beast On Ink tattoo parlour. Late night gravy/onion/cider related emergencies are served by a quick dash to one of two tiny, independent convenience stores – what you can't get in one, you might get in the other. And if you absolutely can't get it, there's always the fallback of Forno's Pizza, or the chip shop. Curry enthusiasts can rest easy in the abilities of Cottage Balti – none of your girl's bedroom decor here, either but funky asian wall art leaving you feeling you could be slap bang in the middle of Bradford. In a good way.


flying goose café

33 Chilwell Road, Beeston, Nottingham NG9 1EH 0115 9252323 Open 10 ‘til 4 Tues to Fri / 9 til 4 Sat ▪ freshly prepared food ▪ good coffee ▪ relaxed atmosphere flying goose cafe has been described as ‘Nottinghamshire’s smallest arts venue’ and ‘Beeston’s Left Bank’! A café with an emphasis on Vegetarian, Vegan, Fair Trade & Organic food, freshly prepared to order. We would love you forever if you support us whilst the tram is being built as we shall remain open throughout this time.

MIND THE GAP!

After studying science 30 years ago and working in male-dominated areas for many years, I am lucky enough to have seen many aspects of being a career woman. I have also worked in one of the most image conscious industries (fashion) and in one of the most rarified environments (higher education). I never expected to be treated differently from a man and apart from a few

isolated incidents, I do not think I was treated differently. Only when unexpected full-time step-mum duties came along did I feel unequal, both at work and home, but that’s another story. Exposure to young males forming their views on the world in the ‘free’ environment of home rather than with constraint of contracts, wages, rules and discipline at work was challenging in many ways. Gender and image stereotypes

are stoked every day by stupid advertisements, Facebook posts and newspapers. These are sending subliminal messages to all of us, not just lads. I know some people argue that things are not as bad now as they were when I was a child in the ‘70s, but are they much better – really? Really? Only a few months ago, a banner advertising a night out, featuring a lady in high heels taking her pants down, appeared on a local main road! Such images normalise the supposed gap between the genders. In real life, though, we must know just as many men and women who are sensitive, noisy, house-proud, ambitious, thin, paternal/maternal, quiet, chubby, clever and/or childless. Who can say what is normal? Men may have the socioeconomic 'high ground' at the moment but I am not sure it follows that they are psychologically more grounded

as a result of it. Feminism is a strong term, probably full of many different pre-conceived ideas and experiences for each individual. Of course it can be adopted by anyone who cares about sexual discrimination, denigration, violence against and sexual objectification of women. But it’s more than that to me. It’s about creating an equal society working to fulfil its full potential and an environment where a wealth of diverse talents are celebrated. It’s where we can be honest about who we are and what we do best. So, whoever you are, if you see that this is a feminist issue and you think that doesn’t apply to you, please think again! Feel free to challenge that inappropriate ‘normality’ wherever you see it. Karen Attwood , owner of Classy Cupcakes, a Beeston company.


Au Contraire: Jimmy and Lord Beestonia give it their best shot at listening, and talking IN TURNS about their respective feelings on a matter close to their hearts. Don't care what they have to say? You can always just look at their photo...

LORD B: You’d think being part of the patriarchy would be an easy ride, right? Wrong. It’s a bit crap. Yep, the problems and struggles women face shouldn't be trivialised, but anyone who assumes us males get off on the status quo best get a reality check. It sounds counterintuitive, but sexism and the patriarchy hates men as well. Being a man is to be incessantly patronised. Bang on the telly and any product aimed at men will have to be SUPERCHARGED, TURBO POWERED, feature sports cars, football and square jaws. Or we are pathetic, perpetual children with a wife who is actually our mother; loveable five year-old rogues, who get indulgently sighed at loads. I don’t drive, am un-arsed about football and don’t much like having my hair ruffled. Those WKD ads? I wish nothing less on the men in them than sterility, celibacy and an eternity of being towel whipped by other knuckle-draggers. This narrowing of identity has created a terrible conservatism in men. Look at the clothes we have to wear: trews (nowt fancy just smart-casual or smart), a button up shirt or a rugby top, shoes OR trainers. Anyone who disobeys these rules becomes a target for abuse. I haven’t worn jeans for years, eschewing such dull clothes for the wonders

Being a man

of cord, tweed and, when I’ve read too much Byron, a fine covering of crushed velvet. Suspicious looks and threats of violence ensue, all for the desire to sharpen the cut of one’s jib. Compare any clothes shop’s women's and men's wear range. The men's is always tiny, an almost embarrassed appendage with a colour range from light grey to beige. How has this come about? In nature, the male of the species is commonly the one with the gaudier plumage, the multi-hued splash of colour, the strutting peacock to the dowdy peahen. We’re also crap at surviving. Our life expectancy is four years shorter than that of females, and we’re much more likely to die from accidents, violent attacks and suicide. While breast cancer treatment has advanced greatly in the last few years due to massive publicity and funding, prostate cancer has steadily advanced and now kills a British man every hour [To clarify: Breast Cancer killed more than five UK women an hour in 2010, not to mention around 400 men - Ed] It’s only of late, with Movember, that efforts have been made to publicise the disease, and attempts to change that. The diagnostic method can pretty horrible and imprecise, which puts men off before too late [it's usually a blood test, chaps! -Ed]. That stoic, stiff-upper lip thing is killing us. I came of age during that pernicious first wave of what is now called ‘Lad Culture’. A reaction against what was seem as the stifling emasculation of the ‘New Man’ concept of the ‘80s, it did initially have a few good ideas; challenging several orthodoxies with vim, and celebrating male expression in all its forms. However, this swiftly lurched in to the Neanderthal. It’s hard to imagine now, but the first few issues of Loaded were pretty fantastic reads: reinventing Gonzo journalism, and breaking many molds. Sadly, it was hijacked by misogyny, pandered to the Philistines and

replaced the likes of Reeves and Mortimer on the cover with a Hollyoaks actress. ‘Laddism’ is now a mainstream culture; a culture where Robin Askwith has become the Platonic ideal, Sid James a revered Demi-God rather than the sad, leery twat he really was. No, I’m not going to come back as Lady Beestonia next issue. And no, I’m not saying that any of the above is comparable to female genital mutilation, domestic violence, pay inequality and the other million challenges women still have to fight against daily. Yet, as in all unequal systems, the Patriarchy makes life crap for men as well as women. It’s not black and white, it’s greyer than the M&S menswear range.

JIMMY: Unlike my tweed wearing, lefty mate Lord B. I like being a man, there I said it and the world did not end. A lot of lefty wet blokes like Lord B are as bad as women for emasculating men. Ever thought we are different for a reason? And that those reasons are not necessarily as bad the likes of Germaine Greer would have you believe. To say you enjoy your gender is not a crime in my book, it doesn’t mean I look down on women, if I want advice on most important matters I tend to consult my female friends (whether they like it or not). But here’s the rub… I wouldn’t want to discuss the outcome of last night's boxing, or go on about my fixation with the likes of Oliver Reed and Mickey Rourke. Without generalising, there is nothing wrong with having activities that men enjoy that are a bit more masculine.

While I agree with Lord B that the forced fakeness of lad culture was a bad move, let’s not get too excited and ban anything that involves red meat and knuckle dragging, we are men, we are supposed to be a bit like that. And secretly women probably like a bit of that too! On a more intellectual level, there are theories that most men are somewhere on the autistic spectrum, making us rather good at creative pursuits and things like engineering. Just think how bad it would be if you couldn’t watch all those documentaries on BBC4 obviously made by men on the spectrum somewhere (you know the ones – about bridges or Jazz musicians who only 40 people have heard of, that you enjoy watching on your own while your girlfriend is off shagging the neighbour). One thing as a man that I despise is the assumption that we are all sexist wankers. Not true. That’s as insulting as saying that ‘Loose Women’ represents the majority of women. We can’t help that women don’t get paid as well, it’s unfortunate but when women complain to me about this it’s often with a sense of ire disproportionate to any reasonable response I could give, I mean girls what do you want me to do, create you some fake genitals out of a sausage and two scotch eggs and lend you my beard trimmings? On the subject of sexism, just because I want to have sex with your gender doesn’t mean I think of you differently. We are, as men, wired to find you attractive, not our fault – sue God or some other fictional being. Thing is, both male and female modern culture has tried to take away the role of the male. In some ways: fine, we no longer need to hunt and kill, however you may want that piece of furniture moving some time that you can’t lift (we are naturally stronger, no need for us to apologise) we can help, we aren’t all bad guys. But we are still men. Anyway gotta rush, me Mum's getting me tea ready!


s t a e B n o t Bees and shaming for another day, didn’t bother to check how this particular artist’s name is spelt. Even more shockingly, he

Like some kind of NG9 Kitty Empire, Flamin' Nora gives us the low-down on local artist, Emma Bladon Jones.... This might not come as a shock to some of you but the type of music I listen to is not usually reviewed in a local freebie magazine. In fact, the type of music I usually listen to is what my grandmother imagines Hell sounds like. So picture my surprise when I was told that there aren’t really a lot of metal bands around Beeston. But fear not, you have not been left in the hands of some crazed death-metal fan who spits on anything and everything unconnected to Satan. I’m not an animal, my parents raised me on a healthy diet of Dire Straits, Queen and Madonna. Although looking back now, Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ is probably not something you want a five yearold listening to. I’ll be honest, this whole thing got off to a rocky start. Someone, let’s save the naming

" the type of music I usually listen to is what my grandmother imagines Hell sounds like" wasn’t the only one to do so! I’m looking at you, person who blogs for Bartons Plc. Sort it out, her name is Emma Bladon Jones. Not Bladen Jones. It took me 4 whole minutes to figure this out. In the words of Lil Wayne, “time is money and my time is priceless”. But to the point - Emma’s music. It’s good. And I’m not just saying this because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her before, probably at The Crown. And I’m definitely not being nice because her dad is a regular at The Crown either. The girl can obviously sing and she plays guitar pretty damn well too. I even Liked her on Facebook so I can listen to the songs especially reserved for, well, people who like her on Facebook. I can honestly say that I like all 4 of the songs available

on Facebook and had there been a whole album I would have listened to it. Repeatedly. It reminds me of lazy days spent in parks, sunrises and those calm and carefree times that I’m sure we all want to last forever. Did I buy her EP? No because I’m an impoverished student. But fear not, Emma, Student Loan day is just around the corner and your music just may be the first album I’ve paid for, as opposed to secretly borrowed from friends’ CD collections, in over 3 years. Her music is calm and upbeat, and so different from the kind of music I imagine badgers being culled to. The best way to describe Emma Bladon Jones is as the abandoned love-child of Colbie Caillat and Jack Johnson. And if you’re too old to know who Ciallat and Johnson are, I’m truly sorry that you’ve missed out on that particular experience life

" had there been a whole album I would have listened to it. Repeatedly." has to offer. And no, I will not apologise for my lack of musical diversity as I deal with drunks on a weekly basis, so angry music is a requirement. In all honesty, I’m kind of jealous

of people like Emma Bladon Jones; she’s so musically talented whereas I posses the musicality of a crippled old toad. Just in case you’re wondering, Jake Bugg doesn’t fall in the “people like Emma” category. I find his music as exciting as I find potatoes; not at all. But really, this whole thing is just how I feel. So I would suggest you give her a listen on Facebook or Spotify and if you like her stuff as much as I do, you’re welcome to write in and we can organise a fan club meeting to make T-shirts and posters for when she plays at The Crown at the end of March. No, I’m not joking.

You can listen to Emma's tracks, see her videos and find out where she's playing next on her website emmabladonjone.co.uk Where you can get see her this year: March 30th - Oxjam Launch Party - The Hop Pole - Beeston March 31st - The Hop Pole Beeston, Nottingham April 9th - Sausage & Folk - The Graduate - Derby April 24th - Tiki Sessions Nottingham April 28th - The Crown - Beeston, Nottingham June 1st - The New Inn - Mansfield, Nottingham June 13th - Macmillan Fest BOTB, The Maze - Nottingham June 29th - Chaos Fest - The Maze Nottingham


Famous Last Words… You can Facebook us, Tweet us, email us or even scribble If you would like to sponsor us, post an advert or become a stockist of The Beestonian, please email us at: us a proper, handwritten thebeestonian@gmail.com letter (we love those the most). We’ll publish it here, usually unedited, for all to i don't want the stupid tram see… got a good bus service !!!! lol" Firstly, we'd all like to say CONGRATULATIONS to our own Prof J and his gal, Keely, who got married on 23 March: A Spring wedding, in snow! We're dead chuffed for you and wish you masses of wooey happiness together. xx Tram works So far, so not so good. Feedback on Twitter regarding the traffic diversions in Beeston have been almost entirely negative. Here's a taste of what some of you have had to say: @lennoni "Arrrghhhh. Beeston roads at rush hour now a nightmare! #tram" @phillipsnick "Beeston is just full of road works everywhere! Madness" @vickyrosefoster "The traffic in beeston lately is ridiculous" @adelelee123 "Not enjoying the pre tram traffic in Beeston #nightmare" @ChloeK204 "This goddam tram better be worth it. Beeston & Chilwell is just one constant traffic jam." @davidtopbottom "must have spent about half an hour trying to get to tesco petrol station in beeston. the roadworks make me so fucking angry" @Teds_x "If Beeston want their precious trams so much, cock off making buses divert 2 years away to serve them. Try walking to town. Bellends." @craighowkins "#chilwell #beeston #traffic #shocking" @andyaff "On the rattler. Looking to really pick the pace up this morning. Currently at Beeston, Britain's most shed-like station. #greatrailjourneys" @JillianW123 "Everybodys confused bout the bus change in beeston due 2 the tram well

@johnws71 "How do we tell Nottm City Council no-one in Beeston really wants the tram? #Eastmidlandstoday"

Let us know what you think. THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH "a woman only 'has everything' if she holds that everything under her skull and in her heart." Germaine Greer, March 2000

the thebeestonian@gmail.com /thebeestonian @TheBeestonian

Though, there is some light at the end of the tunnel… @ElmoDecksterity "bit concerned about businesses on High Road during closure but ultimately tram will increase mobility & boost trade #thumbsup" @ElmoDecksterity "Really hope they can ride inevitable decrease in custom as I think business will increase once tram here" @nottslinnet "I'm not anti tram (I'm agnostic on that one) but heartily anti TRAMWORKS #finepoint"

Contact us:

Issuu.com/thebeestonian (online back-catalogue) c/o 106 Chilwell Road, Beeston, Nottingham NG9 1ES

One of Beeston’s Most famous sons is pictured here with his favourite* magazine, taken at a talk he gave recently. After meeting Lord Beestonia, Sir Paul said, "OK, I’ll hold the magazine for a picture only if you stop bothering me. And that’s an awful shirt." ** We presented him with a complimentary Issue 3 of The Beestonian, where we made him that issue’s BESTonian. We know his (very lovely) sister still lives in Beeston and picks up a copy from the Hop Pole, so we hope she’ll pass this on to Sir Paul and possibly mention something about a future interview. Or shirt. *Not verifiable **He didn’t. He was actually incrediblycharming and down to earth.

The Dreamy Team Editor, writing, sobbing, production, control-freakery, puns and Statesmen-like Ambassadorial duties: Lord Beestonia Gentle Yorkshire burrs and Dean of University of Beestonia: Prof J Print Design and chivvying: Tamar Support and gentle encouragement: Dr Queen Weasel Illustrations and General Feline Matters: Lottie Top-Notch Scribes: Nora Dimitrova, Eve He, James Brown, Jimmy Wiggins and Tamar Feast Quiz by Horace.

WANTED Experienced Sales & Marketing person to join IT Services company based in Beeston on a part time/ flexible basis. Must be IT literate and be able to demonstrate a successful track record in IT or a related technology sector. Please send a CV with a personal introduction to: jobs@digievo.co.uk

Printed by Pixels & Graphics, a local company. Huge thanks to all of our contributors, sponsors, stockists, regular readers and anyone who has picked this up for the first time. Scan QR code & subscribe to Lord Beestonia’s blog:


Issue 17 of The Beestonian  

Is Femme Fatal? BESTonian - Margaret Cooper, Uni of Beeston, thanks for the mammaries, mind the gap!, horace's half hour, au contraire - bei...

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