Surfer, Fighter, Larrikin
WELCOME TO SEPTEMBER... SPRING HAS FINALLY SPRUNG Words Dan and James Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive
elcome to the September 2016 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East. We can’t believe we’re twothirds of the way through the year already; it’s insane. Fingers crossed that we’ve already dealt with the worst of the cold and rain for the time being. We’re not sure that we could deal with another chilly, drizzly day. That said, the miserable weather provided the perfect excuse to melt into the couch and watch the Rio Olympics. Our Aussies absolutely rocked it, especially in the pool, and we couldn’t be more proud to cheer on the green and gold. This month is going to be a huge one in the Eastern Suburbs, with events lighting up left, right and centre. Randwick Eco-Living Fair falls on Father’s Day this year (September 4) and promises to
6 The Beast | September 2016
be a great day out for the whole family. With real live chickens, sustainability workshops and hot ecologists, there’ll be something for everyone.
Hungry people will be happy about the return of the Taste of Coogee Festival on September 3 and 4, while kite lovers will get their kicks when the annual Festival of the Winds takes over Bondi’s skies on September 11. In the mag this month we’ve got plenty of rad stories to twirl your moustache to – from the low-down on the above events, to the inspira-
tional tale of three mates biking to beat dementia, as well as a call-out to local artists to lock in the gig of a lifetime. On the cover this month is big wave surfer, UFC cage fighter, Bra Boy, and now author, Richie Vaculik. Richie’s had his ups and downs, but he’s pulled through and now he’s using his experiences to inspire others (and to give everyone a hearty laugh). His interview is genuine, funny, and – though you might not expect it from a bloke who beats people up for a living – at times really sweet. Give it a read. Finally, we hope this month brings you love, mateship, success, and all the other good things this world can sometimes offer. If not, just be thankful that you live near the beach! Dan and James Publishers
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The Beast • September 2016 • Issue 140 06 Welcome Note
50 Rupert’s Rant
66 Sexy Time
10 Pearls of Wisdom
52 Fish ‘n’ Tips
70 Local Photos
12 Monthly Mailbag 18 Thumbs & Dogs 20 Local Bloke
22 Local Chick 26 Local News 42 Calendar
51 Beastpop I
53 Tide Chart
54 Aquatic Wildlife 56 Street Style
58 Unreliable Guide 60 Enviro News 62 QTips
64 Travel Bug
Camels at Bondi Beach, by Sue McArthur - @bondiphoto.
68 This Sporting Life 72 Bandage 74 Reviews
75 Arts Bits
76 Food & Wine
80 Trivial Trivia
82 Beardy From Hell 82 Trivia Solutions
HOW MEN CAN LOOK EVEN HOTTER ON A BIKE Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Eric Shaun
yclists are like the wind farms and solar panels of the transport world – annoying, unsightly and often noisy. As a group they represent a socialist conspiracy, the purpose of which is to bring down the car manufacturing and oil industries and interfere with our God-given democratic right to drive a car, all whilst leeching off Aussie taxpayers by avoiding the expense of car registration. Let’s fine the non-helmet wearing ones out of existence and do everything within our power to make the cyclists’ lives as uncomfortable as we possibly can. Thankfully these are not my personal thoughts as I enviously watch cyclists whizz past me while I sit lamely stuck on a government bus in peak hour traffic. Instead, I’m checking out the male riders, sweaty in their lycra, and thinking how dishevelled they look; an assault on my eyes. You would think they would pay more attention to their appearance whilst on the saddle, and I’m not referring to their physiques; it’s their flushed faces, bodily sweat and their hair stuck to their scalps. It’s not just 10 The Beast | September 2016
male cyclists whose appearance offends me, either; it’s male joggers and gym junkies, too – have they no respect? Although there are websites devoted to alerting MAMILs to cycling faux pas, they tend to be penned by self-styled cycling gurus concerned with the pettiness of lopsided riding jerseys. What male cyclists need is to be taunted into looking beautiful; constantly reminded how unattractive and worthless they are unless they resemble models 24-7 in the way female exercisers are taunted by the media and marketers. I would like to see male cyclists do the following…
SPRITZ SPRING WATER MID-RIDE Look “dewy fresh throughout your workout” by showing your ‘no hands’ riding skills and reaching for the Avenue Thermal Spray instead of the water bottle to look your best for the ladies on the footpath.
WEAR MAKEUP Apparently “76 per cent of women wear makeup to the gym”, so why should we have all the fun. I’ve read that “bare skin is great only if it is flawless”, so I want men looking fresh on their bikes wearing BB cream and waterproof mascara so they can flutter their baby blues at Pearl without the risk of panda eyes under those cool wrap-around sunnies.
CYCLE IN HEELS Heeding the esteemed advice of Sarah Wilson in her article ‘How to Look Even Hotter on a Bike’, I want to see men cycling in wedge heels!
ADOPT ‘CYCLING CHIC’ In this post-feminist era, the Huffington Post advises women “how to look like a lady on a bike”, so I’m hoping to see male cyclists taking note by attiring themselves in a “flowy top or sundress” with “a scarf over the wheel rear guard to prevent loose clothing getting caught”. Beautiful!
Finally, don’t forget to adopt the Gloria Swanson-style turban to avoid hat hair. You will be pleasing (and fooling) not only the NSW Police, but also the tabloid misogynist fashion police.
THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs Illustrations Dalton Wills BAD SERVICE LEAVES BAD TASTE Hi Beast - I’m hoping you can help me? I'm a Bondi local and had a friend over the other Tuesday night and we decided to go to the Beach Road Hotel for dinner for the advertised (out on the front board) Taco Tuesday (3 for $10). When ordering we were told by the lady that it wasn't on the menu, and that we could only order off the menu! We alerted her to the sign out the front, but she was just downright rude. We didn't want to make a fuss as I hadn't seen my friend for over 30 years and didn't want to damage the evening, but my point is that I'm over false advertising and the attitude given by staff at the Beach Road Hotel. They should be hiring staff who are local and who don't give you attitude just because you are over 30. I don't know if you can help with the taco thing, but I am sort of pissed. Liisa Bondi ROBIN HOOD A MUSO’S DREAM It’s great to hear that the Robin Hood Hotel is promoting local musicians. Many years ago while drinking in the ‘Hood Bar’ we patrons were entertained by four lads crooning the theme of the Marlboro Man - "filter, flavour, flip-top box", etc. We knew their entertainment value, but it took a little longer for the world to recognise the Delltones! Jack Herald Coogee 12 The Beast | September 2016
LIGHT RAIL PLAN A MESS ▼ The light rail seemed like a great idea at the start – let’s reinstate one line where once a world class system existed (a network that was pulled up for all the wrong reasons half a century ago) and in doing so replace those congesting old buses. As it turns out, the stark reality is that the grand boulevard that is Anzac Parade has been chopped up to appease the developer lobbyists at Moore Park and the horse racing track, and questions arise about the light rail’s capability to deliver a more efficient transport system. Why couldn’t the tram route be achieved without cutting down half the majestic avenues of trees? The reality is that state and local governments, in these supposedly enlightened times, can still be pig-
headed and arrogant enough to run roughshod over their constituents in the name of ‘progress’ at any expense. Their autocratic cry is ‘the end justifies the means’. Pretty Boy Baird and his mob(sters) are just the latest bunch in a long line of dictatorial opportunists running the state of NSW. Hopefully people are increasingly waking up to the kind of society that politicians, developers, banks, insurance companies, miners, etc. have built to service themselves over the rest, and saying enough is enough. The mantra of neverending growth above all else is the madness that must end. Bruce Clovelly BEAST WHINGERS Dear Editors - I read with interest the Letters to the Editor in your July edition. What a pack of whingers! As a former resident of Clovelly and Coogee, I loved the laid back, live and let live lifestyle that thrived along the Eastern Beaches. The worst complaint was the current Bondi cigar yield and the odd misbehaving westie. Today, going from the content in this month’s edition, Beasties have turned into a pack of NIMBY, fun-wrecking whingers. All I read was: poo poo the St Cath’s development (it has only been there 160 years Pearl), cry cry the Bondi Pav upgrade, wah wah the possible Waverley dead centre
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function room, tut tut to porn being discussed in this fine publication, bad bad parents having fun with kids on bikes, cry cry smokers and drinkers, sook sook the police used ‘an angry tone’. Wake up folks! Smell the roses and realise your First World problems are what they are and be grateful for living in the best part of the world. Ben Smit Kingsford P.S. Good to hear our local cops still harass westie hoons when they stray over Anzac Parade. THANK YOU, GOOD SAMARITAN I would like to thank the kind and honest person who found my purse in Coogee on Saturday, July 30, 2016. The purse held a credit card, amongst other items, and the wonderful finder handed the purse and contents to the local bank in Coogee the following Monday, but didn’t leave any contact details. I am very grateful and send many thanks to you. The fantastic spirit of the Coogee community lives on. Pam Brass Coogee TWISTED FORTUNES ► I really enjoy the twisted fortunes appearing each month in The Beast’s star signs. Clearly the author, Beardy from Hell, is a keen wit and rather pleasantly twisted as well. In his pic he looks like a handsome dude. Can we please have a full body shot of Beardy in the next issue? Preferably shirtless! Keep up the wild predictions Beardy. Simon Furber Randwick CARING COOGEE COMMUNITY On Friday, July 28, my two yearold daughter Nellie and I were enjoying an afternoon ice cream at McDonald's in Coogee right before she suffered a febrile seizure. During the panic and anguish a kind patron of McDonald's came to our aid offering CPR and much needed support. A number of the staff from McDonald's and the 14 The Beast | September 2016
Coogee Legion Club also came to our aid, calling the ambulance, cleaning up the mess and taking care of our items while we were taken to hospital. Unfortunately I was unable to get the names of the great folk who helped us out and we just wanted to say a massive thankyou and offer our appreciation. Your kindness did not go unnoticed and it is good to know that we live in a caring community. I’m pleased to say that Nellie made a full recovery and has been back at McDonald's and the Legion Club for both ice cream and a celebratory drink. Penny and Nellie Clovelly
WOOD FIRES TERRIBLE FOR HEALTH Dear Beast - I was pleased to see that my letter in the July Beast calling for a ban on wood fires in Waverley (Wood Fires on the Nose, Letters, The Beast, July 2016) caused Rupert TruscottHughes to devote his entire column to the issue in the August Beast. To be honest, I would have been more excited to appear in Pearl’s column nearer the front of the esteemed journal (sorry Rupert), but I am happy to know that at least one person did actually read my letter. Whilst I enjoyed reading Rupert’s witty thoughts on the issue of wood fires and red wine, I feel
compelled to reply in defence of my call for a ban. Rupert believes that the smoke from a wood fire “smells delightful”, but, as a doctor, I would offer him the following Clintonesque advice: Don’t inhale. The smoke from a wood fire is just as toxic as that from a cigarette. Both wood fire and cigarette smoke come from burning biomass and, as such, contain the same toxic mix of chemicals and ultra-fine particles that cause cancer, heart disease, premature death and even premature birth. If you smell the smoke, it’s a sign that the chemicals and ultra-fine particles have entered your blood stream and are doing you harm. Think I’m exaggerating? Look at any Environment Protection Agency website both in Australia and in the USA to see the evidence, and listen to the NSW Chief Medical Officer, Dr Kerry Chant, who has called for the banning and phasing out of wood fires in Sydney. Rupert trivialises the extent of the problem by suggesting that I am blowing out more “hot air” than the handful of people who bother to light their fires in Sydney. This couldn’t be further from the truth even if I was a politician spruiking my pre-election promises from a hot air balloon. The NSW EPA states that in the winter months the majority of particulate pollution in Sydney is caused by residential wood fires. It far outstrips particulate pollution from road transport. In fact, in mid winter residential wood fire smoke is responsible for 75 per cent of Sydney’s PM2.5 fine particle pollution. Remember, these are the particles that are so tiny that, when inhaled, they cross the lining of your lung and enter your blood stream, causing disease throughout your body. Whilst we in Sydney are burying our heads in what’s left of the sand on beaches from Bronte to Collaroy, other cities around the world are getting on with the job of saving lives. Rupert notes that the city of Montreal has banned inefficient wood fires. Closer to home the city of Launceston has
ditional space would be along the unattractive western strip adjoining Campbell Parade. Queen Elizabeth Drive would be retained as a service road. The very basis of his argument is fundamentally flawed. Then there is the impact of a reduction of 138 car spaces at a cost to ratepayers of some $30 million-plus, despite the fact that there is already insufficient parking space to meet present, let alone growing, demand. Greg Maidment Bronte moved to reduce the use of wood fires through a buy-back scheme. The city has reduced its number of wood fire heaters by half with a resulting marked improvement in air quality and a drop in deaths in winter from heart diseases by 20 per cent and from lung diseases by 28 per cent. That’s no joke; it’s real lives saved. I accept that my call for a ban will not be welcomed by many in our community. I understand, and feel, the romantic pull of a wood fire and a glass of fine red. Rupert’s ridicule, and the pro wood fire views expressed in the associated vox pop, show that we in the medical profession have a long way to go to raise the level of awareness and understanding about this important public health issue. Much as we saw with the fight against cigarettes, there will be resistance to change before governments and the general population accept that we cannot continue to ignore the evidence of the actual harm caused by wood fire smoke in Sydney. So next time you walk out of your house and smell the smoke of a wood fire, remember that smoke is causing you harm. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for your kids. It’s bad for everyone. It is time we cleaned up our local atmosphere by moving away from wood fires in Waverley. Oh, and one more thing Rupert - sadly the Bronte RSL saga is far from over. In the latest development (so to speak), the developer has prepared new bigger and taller plans for the site, which we expect to be lodged as a new DA in the near future. And, in an interesting
move, the developer has offered the RSL site for sale (maybe the Truscott-Hughes family could buy it, Rupert?). Thanks for raising the issue and stay tuned for more news on that front. Dr Stephen Lightfoot Bronte NO TO WOOD FIRES ▲ Thank you for printing the letter from Dr Stephen Lightfoot last month, telling us about the toxicity of wood fire smoke from domestic heaters. Yes, they should be banned now. Happily, there was a National Clean Air Agreement endorsed in December 2015, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for results. For some frightening details of how a small number of wood fires cause a huge amount of air pollution, see the Asthma Australia website. There is no excuse for a wood fire in the suburbs, and even the modern heaters, which often fail the inadequate emissions standards. Wood fires are so last millennium! Therese Weiss Maroubra WRONG, WRONG, WRONG Mark Hersey (More Open Space at Bondi Beach, Letters, The Beast, August 2016) presented a lengthy defence of the proposed underground car park at Bondi Beach, which he based on the false premise that the amount of green space would be doubled. The council website states that it would “create 15 per cent more green and recreation space”, not double it as Mr Hersey asserts. Additionally, most of that ad-
ANOTHER TAKE ON THE UNDERGROUND CAR PARK Over the years there have been a lot of statements published against the proposed underground car park at Bondi Beach. I wish to respond to these statements one-by-one: 1. “There’ll still be a service road along the front (of the Pavilion), we just won’t be able to use it.” (A Worssam, The Beast, July 2013). If the impression created here is that Queen Elizabeth Drive (QED) will be left as vehicle-only, then that is false. The proposal will result in QED being an upper pedestrian boulevard. This can be checked on the council website. QED is wide enough to have a pedestrian path down the middle and lots of grass and trees on either side. There is a recommendation that the pedestrian path be accessible to emergency vehicles. So it can be termed a ‘service road’, the same way the current pedestrian walkway is a service road, where occasionally a police car or ambulance has to use it. 2. “Getting in and out of an underground car park could add 20 minutes.” (A Worssam, Wentworth Courier, 20 April, 2016) There is no proposed design yet, so we don’t know the entry/exit points. My educated guess is that with cars no longer being slowed down by large groups of pedestrians crossing QED, it would be quicker to enter and exit. It would also be safer for both cars and pedestrians as they are segregated. 3. “Council will simply farm out the whole project to a company like Wilson Parking.” (A Worssam, The Beast, July 2013) September 2016 | The Beast 15
trench, at least 150 metres long, 50 metres wide and 9 metres deep, requiring the removal of every tree behind the Pavilion. Ponder that for a second. In the meantime, anyone who was pulling their hair out over how long it took Council to re-turf Bondi Park over summer would have to wonder how they could possibly manage a project of this scale? Andrew Worssam Bondi There is nothing to indicate this. If there is some basis for this statement it should be produced. 4. “Is to be replaced with something more like the Bondi Junction Westfield car park.” (A Worssam, The Beast, July 2013) A one or two-storey car park built into the rising slope behind the Pavilion can be directly accessible without lifts. I believe a more appropriate comparison is with the underground car park above Red Leaf Pool in Double Bay. That is built into the slope rising from the harbour and is directly accessible and does not have lifts. 5. “An underground car park would greatly inconvenience those who use the beach for its natural purposes.” (G Maidment, Wentworth Courier, May 18, 2016) Do the majority of beach users get to the beach by car, or do the majority arrive by bus, walking or cycling? What modes of transport should be prioritised? Amongst the car drivers, do the majority find parking on nearby streets or on QED? If a person who normally parks on QED instead parks underground behind the Pavilion, how much extra walking will they do to reach the water? Three minutes? Five minutes? How many people want to park for the purpose of walking on the promenade or going to the Pavilion? Is there much extra walking for them? 6. “The small gain in green space is not worth it.” (A Worssam, The Beast, July 2013) For readers to decide this they should look at the space occupied by car parking both in front of and behind the Pavilion. They should visualise that space as grass, trees 16 The Beast | September 2016
and open recreation area. Is all that asphalt and bitumen better served as grass, trees and recreation space? If the answer is yes, then it is worth it. Alan Doyle Bellevue Hill UNDERGROUND CAR PARK AT BONDI BEACH ▲ It seems that some folks want an underground car park at Bondi Beach, come hell or high water, and damn the expense. In fact, high water could well be an issue. According to Waverley Council's ‘Coastal Risks and Hazards Vulnerability Study’, such a facility might become an unintentional water feature. Advocates for an underground car park really need to do a bit more research. According to Council's own statement, there will be a “15 per cent increase in recreation and green space” - nothing like the "doubling the size of Bondi Park" fancifully offered by Mark Hersey. Hersey also underestimates the impact on beach users; in particular, the time spent negotiating such a facility ("an extra five minutes..."). He should have factored in how long it takes to access an underground car park (think of a trip to Westfield at the Junction), find a parking space, walk to the lift, traverse the Pavilion, trek to the promenade, and only then begin walking to one's preferred end of the beach. Multiply that by two and you end up with a lot less precious time at the beach. Conservative estimates would suggest that such a project would require the digging of a massive
INCONSIDERATE RESTAURANT REVIEW What were you thinking when you wrote a glowing review of my favourite restaurant (name and address withheld)? It was hard enough to get a table prior to your review and you certainly weren't doing anyone any favours by drawing attention to it. Please consider current patrons and restaurant capacity before putting in print. There's no obligation to share the best with others. Mark Address not supplied
THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editors firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com Advertising Enquiries firstname.lastname@example.org www.thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month. 55,500 are placed in mailboxes and 5,500 in local shopfronts. PEFC Certified The Beast is printed on paper sourced from sustainably managed forests. Letters To The Editor Please email your feedback to email@example.com.
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THUMBS UP THE OLYMPICS We completely forgot to mention the Olympics in the last edition of The Beast, but that’s not to say we don’t love the Games! NEW ARRIVALS The Beast family will be growing by one at the end of September, so if the quality of the mag slips, don’t blame us, blame the kid. SPRING VIBES Everyone is in a better mood in spring, which is a blessing because we’re sick and tired of moping around like miserable old men. LACHLAN LAM The Clovelly Crocs junior recently carved up against England as part of the Australian Schoolboys rugby league side. He’s one to watch. CANBERRA The nation’s capital has come a long way in past few years. Think top notch hotels, awesome cafés and restaurants, and fun for all ages.
THUMBS DOWN BONDI SWASTIKAS To the clowns who drew swastikas all over the place in Bondi, it’s not funny, nor clever. Take a good hard look at yourselves. PLASTIC STRAWS These cylindrical plastic vessels of death are doing harm to the environment. Stop using them and shops will stop supplying them. DRUG CHEATS If there is one thing that I learnt from watching the Olympics, it’s that drug cheats are bad. Coincidentally, they’re often communists too. CHICKEN POX SCARES The emotional turmoil a family goes through when they think their kid has the pox may be worse than the actual pox themselves. CHLAMYDIA It’s arguably the best of the STIs (limited symptoms, easily cured, etc.), but rumour has it there’s an epidemic in the Eastern Suburbs right now. 18 The Beast | September 2016
Lola is a sweet, active, playful pup, but she has her calm times and she sleeps through the night without disturbance. She is social with other dogs. Lola is looking for an active family willing to give her lots of exercise and also take her to doggy school. She comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $450, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email firstname.lastname@example.org or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.
BOWIE Age 6 months Sex Female Breed Lab X Siberian Weight 16kg Bowie came from the pound with a fractured hip, but she can now run and play with other dogs. She is a gentle, calm girl who sleeps though the night and can be left unattended. She is friendly with other dogs and walks well on lead. Bowie needs an active family who will give her plenty of exercise. She comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $450, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. Call on 9486 3133, email email@example.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.
HENRY AND ZOE Age 5 years Sex Male and female Breed Beagle Weight 19.7kg and 14.3kg Zoey and Henry are a bonded pair of Beagles. They both have gentle, affectionate natures and love to be cuddled. They walk well on lead and are very social with other dogs. They have short coats. Zoey has dry eyes and will need drops for the rest of her life. Zoey and Henry come desexed, C5 vaccinated, microchipped and heartworm free. Their adoption fee is $750, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. Call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, email firstname.lastname@example.org or visit www.doggierescue.com.
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September 2016 | The Beast 19
One of Coogee's great characters.
LOCAL BLOKE... TIM HUGHES FROM COOGEE Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks
riginally from the Old Dart, Coogee resident Tim Hughes has spent the best part of three decades living in the Eastern Suburbs. These days he’s best known as the passionate Pom who owns Coogee’s X74 Café/ Restaurant. Tim shares his local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? I’ve lived here in Coogee for 14 years and before that I lived in Bondi for 14 years. What's your favourite beach? Coogee is my favourite beach. On a still, sunny day the north end is one of the most beautiful places on the planet. I also love Wylie’s Baths. What's your favourite eatery? I know I own it, but I love the food at X74 and I love being part of creating something for the local community. I also love The Little Kitchen on Arden Street. Their business runs on similar principles to mine. 20 The Beast | September 2016
Where do you like to have a drink? I like to drink at the Coogee Bay Hotel. Good, cold tap beer, footy and a punt – what more could you want?
I like watching my boys’ soccer, swimming in the ocean, listening to live music, spending time with friends and family, and indulging in good food and wine.
Do you have a favourite sporting team? I love Liverpool Football Club and the Sydney Roosters, as well as whichever local soccer club my boys are playing for.
What do you do for work? I own X74 Café/Restaurant in Coogee. We opened four years ago and we’re trying to give the community great food and friendly, professional service. Everything is made from scratch.
What music are you into at the moment? I’ve been listening to a lot of Drake lately with my boys – you’ve gotta love a good bass line! Who is your favourite person? My wife Janine’s my favourite person – massive heart and no bullshit. And of course my two boys, Henry and Oliver. Do you have a favourite quote? “Try to be the lead husky or the view never changes.” What do you get up to on the weekends? If I’m not working,
What's your favourite thing about work? I love seeing people enjoying what we create and I enjoy surrounding myself with people with a similar vision. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? When all is said and done, more will be said than done. Never trust a man who won’t have a beer with you. It’s only a rort if you’re not in it. Why not come down to X74 for a glass of wine and a bite to eat and hear some more words of wisdom?
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A bit of a nut.
LOCAL CHICK... NATALIE ALMOND FROM MAROUBRA Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks
atalie Almond is a bit of a nut (her joke, not mine). She lives in Maroubra and owns Anahata Yoga Space. Natalie shares her local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? I've been living and loving Maroubra for the last seven years. What's your favourite thing about the area? Maroubra is quieter than most places. The community is strong and the people are a little more relaxed. This is a place where you can relax and absorb the strong vibes of the untainted headlands, beach and rock pool.
Where do you like to have a drink? I rarely drink. If I do it would be a glass or two of wine with some school mums at one of our houses or while having dinner with my mum. What's your favourite eatery? My favourite eatery is Beach Thai at Maroubra Beach. They serve the 22 The Beast | September 2016
best duck curry and Pad Thai. The staff are friendly and once they know you they remember your name and you always get a smile. Do you have a favourite sporting team? I have always supported the Rabbitohs, probably because my brother did when we were kids. What music are you into? I am enjoying Declan Kelly and Emma Donovan at the moment. They have a project called Deiseln’Dub - great rhythms and meaningful lyrics. Who is your favourite person? My two favourite people are my kids, Tiana and Lochie. They're hard work (as they all are), but so worth it. What do you get up to on the weekends? I teach a couple of yoga classes, then hit the Maroubra skate ramp so Lochie can brush up on his scooter skills, and play around at the outdoor gym, spin-
ning, twisting and back arching with Tiana. We love to get out of the city too. The Royal National Park, Blue Mountains and Kiama are all favourites. What do you do for work? I have been teaching yoga for the past 23 years, if you can call that work. I have my own yoga studio, Anahata Yoga Space, above Pool Café, with stunning ocean views over the North Maroubra headlands. What's your favourite thing about work? I really love weaving a community, encouraging people to feel good by connecting with themselves and others. Do you have a favourite quote? “If it feels good, do it!” Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Trust your gut. Allow yourself to just be. It's none of your business what other people think about you.
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BONDI SKIES SET TO LIGHT UP FOR 38TH FESTIVAL OF THE WINDS Words Madeleine Gray Picture Paul Watson
ome people might say that turning 38 isn’t a big deal. The organisers of this year’s Festival of the Winds at Bondi Beach clearly missed that memo. This year, the festival is returning for the 38th time, bigger and better than ever before – and with an Eastern Suburbs Roosters 1950s themed bar in the Bondi Pavilion, no less! If you’ve got a head for figures, you’ve probably worked out that the first Festival was held in 1978. Back then the festival simply comprised of a small group of local kite enthusiasts who had lobbied the authorities to hold a community kite-flying event on Bondi promenade. Despite there only being around 50 kites in the air, the event captured the public’s imagination. There is something really beautiful about seeing a sky dotted with colourful kites writhing flamboyantly in the wind. This year there will be more than 50 kites in the air - a few hundred more, in fact. And about 50,000 spectators will make their way to Bondi to watch them, if last year’s stats are anything to go by. Waverley Mayor Sally Betts said she was looking forward to watch-
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ing the amazing kite-flyers and enjoying the wide range of activities on offer including song and dance, aerobic acrobats and festival foods. “I look forward to celebrating this exciting occasion with the community and tourists,” she said. There’s no reason not to be excited. The Australian Kiteflyers Society will be bringing champion kite-flyers from England, New Zealand, Germany and across Australia to battle it out on the golden shores of Bondi Beach. Get ready to see kite constructions and skills like you’ve never seen before. Kite-flying all-stars on the line-up this year include Volker Hoberg from Germany, Carl Robertshaw from England and Ricky Baker from Victoria. If you’re after a tipple, or simply want an excuse to wear your best Marilyn Monroe-inspired getup, make your way to the Easts Festival Bar at the Bondi Pavilion, which will be transformed into a 1950s extravaganza to commemorate the Sydney Roosters’ first home game. Here you’ll be able to sip on a ‘Flying Rooster’ cocktail as you browse the memorabilia and vintage outfits.
The Festival of the Winds is also increasingly becoming a celebration of Waverley Council’s wonderfully culturally diverse population. If you’ve never tried cuisine from the Czech Republic, Malaysia or Spain, now’s your chance. You can also see Sri Lankan, Maori, Chinese, Indigenous Australian and Cook Islands dance acts at the Festival Stage and lament your lack of dancing skills. We know what you’re all thinking: “What this festival is missing is acrobatics, and also a walking art installation.” Well you can chill out, because the Aerialize acrobatic performance troupe will be performing amazing gravitydefying feats in Bondi Park every 15 minutes, and internationally acclaimed Bronte artist Marina DeBris will be showcasing her recycled fashions on models gallivanting around the space. Where else would you want to be on a sunny September Sunday in Sydney? Head to Bondi Beach on September 11 for a spectacularly Instagrammable (is that a word?) day of colourful kite flying action.
earth friendly bed & bath Bondi
The Eco-Living Fair attracts all walks of life.
GO GREEN AT RANDWICK ECO-LIVING FAIR Words Madeleine Gray Picture Danny Green
egardless of what a certain ex-Prime Minister believes, climate change is a real thing. But what is the average citizen to do about it? Apart from voting for a political party that may or may not hold true on promises about carbon emissions trading schemes, it’s easy to feel impotent in the face of such an enormous global challenge. The foolproof option, then? It’s simple. Try to reduce your personal ecological footprint, and the footprint of the local community that you live in. It might seem like a small contribution to the cause, but it’s a contribution that, if emulated by everyone, would change the world.
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Randwick City Council gets this. For 12 years now, it’s been spearheading the annual Randwick Eco-Living Fair. The fair, which will be held on Sunday, September 4 from 9.30am to 3pm, gives locals a fun and easy platform from which to discover more about how to live sustainably, and how to reduce their ecological footprint - particularly in regard to energy and water consumption, and waste. Since it’s inception back in 2004, the Eco-Living Fair has risen in prominence and attendance. It’s now one of the most popular events on the Eastern Suburbs community agenda, with approximately 8,000 locals attending last year, and even more
eager revellers expected to make an appearance this time around. This year the fair falls on a particularly fitting day: Father’s Day. If ever there was a sign that ecological preservation is inherently intertwined with our responsibility to safeguard the future for our children, this is it. Randwick Mayor Noel D’Souza was quick to highlight the apt intersection of these two events. “This year’s event will take place on Father’s Day, and we’re encouraging families to come out and spend the day with us,” Cr D’Souza said. “With everything from woodfired pizza making to bee-keeping, there’s something for everyone.” The day is a perfect way to get kids interested and involved in environmental preservation, and for parents and friends to do the same. It’s just a whole bunch of fun! Among other events, there will be grow-your-own-tea workshops, biodynamic gardening tutorials, a backyard chicken stall (complete with a local backyard chicken keeper, chicken coop advice, and real live chickens), and a ‘Good Bug Bistro’ – to help you differentiate between your insect friends and foes in the garden. “Plus, it’s the first year we will have the Speed Date a Sustainability Expert program, where visitors have the opportunity to ask questions of our experts on how to make their homes and lives more sustainable,“ Cr D’Souza added. For the eco-conscious shopper, there will be a plethora of handmade jewellery and handicrafts for sale, and for the hungry hippo, there’ll be loads of food stalls including Vietnamese street food from Mama Linh’s and cheeseburgers from Nighthawk Diner. Kiddies are covered too, with a dedicated kids’ corner and all-day entertainment. In case you’re worried that the event itself might cause pollution, never fear: the event is powered by renewable forms of energy, and Randwick Council is also giving 3000 trees away to fairgoers to help offset the carbon used in the event’s infrastructure delivery.
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Joel 'Mulga' Moore with one of his colourful creations.
BONDI BEACH SEA WALL IN SEARCH OF CREATIVE BEASTS Words Madeleine Gray Picture Steffi Graffiti
ttention all Beasts. Are you a visual artist, super handy with a biro, a conceptual artist, a graphic designer, a curator, or just keen to let your inner Frida Kahlo run free? Your time has come. Think of the most iconic beach in the world (it’s Bondi, by the way). Now think of your mad street art featuring up on the promenade wall, being admired by the tens of thousands of visitors that the beach attracts each year. Thanks to the folks at Waverley Council, this vision is not just a pipe dream. You could have your art displayed on what a Council spokesperson deemed “the primest of prime beach frontages”. Waverley Council recently announced an international call-out for artworks for the Bondi Beach Sea Wall. Potential super-artists are invited to pitch their goods and ideas by October 31 for the chance to secure a six-month slot for their work in 2017. Panels range from four to eight metres wide - just big enough for you to realise your dreams.
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The Bondi Beach Sea Wall first had its pristine surfaces painted with aerosol cans back in the 1960s, and since then it’s remained a place for rebellious youths and street artists to paint their minds for the world to see. There are only two permanent fixtures on the wall: a memorial to local girl Chloe Byron, who was killed in the Bali bombings, and an ANZAC commemorative mural. The rest of the panels are repainted every six months. Waverley Council said it remains dedicated to ensuring the continuation of this turnover, so as to “maintain the wall’s dynamic character, and to achieve diversity”. Previous artists featured on the wall include Bondi Markets regular Joel Moore, a.k.a. Mulga, who specialises in psychedelic, intricate line works that he says “transcendently float with emotion”, and local gal Taiya Bukovsky, a.k.a. AWOLCREATIONS, who paints gorgeous, ornate, organic shape repetitions. According to Mulga, getting his artwork featured was a relatively simple process.
“The experience was easy peasy,” he said. “I just filled in the application and then they let me know which section to paint and I painted it.” Mulga also emphasised that the exposure he has gained by having his work on the wall has been incredibly beneficial to his career. “All day, everyday, there are people walking past, whether they be tourists sightseeing or locals exercising or going about their day,” he said. “A lot of eyeballs see it and that is rad. Having art down on the beach has helped me to get exposure, commissions and more opportunities, for sure. “Plus, when it's a hot day and you’re painting you can run down and jump in the water and go for a swim. “There aren’t a lot of painting spots where you can do that!” So what are you waiting for? International kudos awaits. To apply for a space on the Bondi Beach Sea Wall, please visit Council's website at waverley.nsw.gov.au/art.
BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Minette Brewin WICKS BRING HOME THE WINS Congratulations to Randwick Rugby Club, which won two premierships last month. Randwick’s reserve grade side took out the Colin Caird Shield with a 28-12 win over old foes Eastern Suburbs, while the second grade Colts defeated Sydney University 34-27 to take out the Shell Trophy. Occasional Beast distribution staff members Lachlan Anderson and Jack ‘Yonny’ Johnson were among the reserve grade side’s best players on the day. Up the Wicks! BRONTE CARLO CLOSES ITS DOORS After over 30 years in the hospitality game, the lovely Mick and Oumyma from Bronte Carlo Café are calling it a day. Having served delicious Mediterranean food to Bronte locals and visitors alike for over a decade, they have decided to hang up to the tongs and take a well-deserved retirement. The local community will miss you guys!
The notorious North Bondi Boys.
HAVE A TASTE OF COOGEE The Taste of Coogee Food and Wine Festival returns in 2016 as a two-day, jam-packed event. Moving across the road to Coogee Oval, the event will feature celebrity chefs like Justin North (Hotel Centennial), Andy Allen (Three Blue Ducks) and Monte Koludrovic (Icebergs Bar and Dining), to name just a few. Held on September 3 and 4 from 10am to 6pm, the event will host over 100 food and beverage stalls, cooking master classes and talks. All proceeds from Taste of Coogee 2016 will be donated to Coogee Lions, raising money to help local families in need. For more information, visit www.tasteofcoogee.com.au. MAKE MONEY WHILE YOU TRAVEL Going away for Christmas/New Year’s? Want to make money while you travel? HomeHost has set up a short-term rental business turning your home into a five-star hotel, so you can get your bills paid while
you’re out of town! They manage the screening process to get the perfect guests, accept bookings, meet guests for key exchange, change over the linen and do all the cleaning before and after each guest. Please call 1300171718 for more information, or you can visit www.homehost.com.au. WAVERLEY POWERS AHEAD Waverley Council is powering ahead with its solar panel initiative, installing new solar panels at key sites within the local government area, including Waverley Library, Marks Park amenities block, Margaret Whitlam Recreation Centre, Tamarama Kiosk and the Mill Hill Early Education Centre. The new systems have 116 kilowatt capacity, effectively reducing the number of cars on the road by 38. According to Waverley Mayor Sally Betts, “What this shows is that Waverley Council is a leader in technology and sustainability within the local community.”
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September 2016 | The Beast 33
Back in the saddle.
DEMENTIA FUNDRAISER A RIDE TO REMEMBER Words Madeleine Gray Picture Paul McMillan
ou probably wouldn’t know it, but dementia is the second leading cause of death in Australia. A predominant assumption is that dementia is simply a normal part of aging. News flash: it isn’t. Although it is more common in people over 65, dementia can happen to anyone. Dementia is a collection of symptoms that are caused by disorders affecting the brain: it is not one specific disease. At present, there is no cure. As there are currently more than 350,000 Australians living with dementia, this does not bode well. Without a major breakthrough in research, the figure is expected to soar to 900,000 by 2050. Something must be done. Eastern Suburbs local Nick Young and close friend Pierre Sullivan both have personal experience dealing with the effects of dementia on family members. Mr Sullivan’s mother was diagnosed last year. Mr Young’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, the most common form of dementia, in 2011. As a memory-corroding illness, dementia does not just affect the primary sufferer. 34 The Beast | September 2016
“Being a carer is emotionally, physically and mentally draining,” Mr Young said. “The strain the disease places on family is tremendous.” As such, Mr Sullivan and Mr Young, together with their friend James Trude, the former owner of Home Instead Senior Care Lower North Shore, have this year launched the Home Instead Bondi2Berry Ride to Remember. The event is a charity bike ride starting at the iconic North Bondi Surf Life Saving Club and winding its way down to Berry on the NSW South Coast. “We are riding to remember, to raise money for researching a cure so loved ones don’t need to keep suffering,” Mr Young said. “I’m trying to do everything I can to not put my wife and daughter through what my mum is going through now.” The aim is to raise $20,000 for Alzheimer’s Australia NSW, and so far the response has exceeded expectations. “I am amazed at how many people are personally affected by the disease,” Mr Young said.
“We launched the ride about three months ago and within a couple of weeks had a lot of our friends in the cycling community sign up.” Participants will need to pledge a minimum of $500 to take part, and are encouraged to raise more funds through private and public sponsorship. Bondi Rescue star Andrew Reid is one of the Bondi2Berry ambassadors, and he told The Beast his decision to get back on the bike was a no-brainer. “I thought my bike riding career was over, but when Nick told me why they were doing it I couldn’t say no,” Mr Reid said. “To watch someone you love slowly deteriorating in the way this crippling disease does is just heartbreaking. “If the money we raise can go towards finding a cure then that would be amazing.” Channel Ten news presenter Natarsha Belling is also a ride ambassador. The ride will take place on Saturday, September 10. To sign up, or to donate, please visit www.bondi2berry.com.
Fresh meat: Chris Martin (the tall one) with Dave Lucas at the iconic local family business.
BUTCHER CHRIS MAKES THE CUT Words and Picture Duncan Horscroft
here’s a new kid on the block in Bronte. The butcher’s block that is. Chris Martin, 27, has taken over the reins as manager of the long-standing Lucas Meats in Bronte and he is looking to take the 45 year-old Lucas family business into the 21st century. After growing up on a small farm in Burra, in South Australia’s mid north, Chris worked at the town’s only butcher shop as part of his Year 10 work experience. “When I was 15 the local butcher took me on and after a while he offered to pay me to work after school, and that is basically when I began my apprenticeship,” Mr Martin said. “But when I turned 16 I received a call from the military after registering an expression of interest at school. I was then recruited into the Navy where I spent six years. “After that I went back to butchering and finished my apprenticeship.” He said that while living in Coogee he met Vietnam veteran
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and fellow butcher Graham Burrows at the Coogee Diggers Club, who told him Dave Lucas was looking for someone with some youthful enthusiasm to take over the running of his Macpherson Street shop. Now, 30 months later, Mr Martin has taken over from long-standing manager Dennis Brennan. “I love working for Dave and the team here is fantastic,” Mr Martin said. “Dave is passionate about his products and regularly visits the producers at their farms and has a great rapport with his clients.” Lucas Meats is known for buying from specialist producers and from farmers who raise and respect animals. Mr Martin said that with the changing tastes in a more health conscious society, people now want to know where their produce is coming from. For that reason there is now more of a trend towards pasture fed and free range products. “People want to know where the
beasts are from and whether they have been grain fed, or if the hens have been caged or are free range,” he said. “If you buy meat from the supermarkets you have no idea where it is from. But we pride ourselves on the best Angus beef and also Junee Gold lambs. We are also introducing top quality Wagyu from a local supplier.” Chris said another product on the menu is chicken cordon bleu, which is something that hasn’t been done in the shop before. “We have to try different things to move with the times,” he said. “When we have our weekly specials up in the window we see the same people come by looking for an idea for what to cook and it is working.” But if you have any issues with Mr Martin or his products, beware. During his stint in the Navy he became a professional kick boxer and he still teaches boxing at the Punch gym in Randwick. That said, he assured us he doesn’t use any of the carcasses at work for training purposes.
Father’s Day is coming up soon and we have the perfect event for you to enjoy with Dad. Bring family and friends along to the Eco-Living Fair on Sunday 4 September at Randwick Environment Park. Now in its 12th year, it will be a great day of live entertainment, DIY workshops, organic market stalls and free kids activities. You can even ‘speed date with a sustainability expert’ to ask questions and hear how industry leaders are putting sustainability knowledge into practice. Sustainability is increasingly important as we look to the future. We can all enrich our lives by learning how to take better care of our environment, conserve precious resources and get creative about ways to re-use and recycle. Whatever your interests are, you are sure to find some inspiration at the Eco-Living Fair. I wish you all a very happy and healthy start to Spring. As you spend more time outdoors and in the water, please keep safety in mind and as always, swim between the flags. Councillor Noel D’Souza Mayor of Randwick
30 August - 24 September
Spring Boot Camp 6:00am-7:00am Des Renford Leisure Centre
Code Club (Beginners) 4:00pm-5:00pm Bowen Library
Eco-Living Fair 9:30pm-3:00pm Randwick Environment Park
26 - 30 September
Your Brain Matters 11:00am-3:00pm Prince Henry Nursing & Medical Museum
How to Adult 4:30pm-6:00pm Bowen Library
Vacation Care 7:30am-6:00pm Des Renford Leisure Centre
1300 722 542 email@example.com www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: LIFEGUARDS - COOGEE BEACH
Sobering up after a big day at the races.
HORSES TO BE BREATH TESTED AT RANDWICK RACECOURSE Satire Kieran Blake Picture Daniel Jones
orses at Royal Randwick Racecourse will now be subjected to mandatory breath testing during major carnivals in an effort to stem the rise in drug-induced unsporting behaviour. The Australian Turf Club (ATC) will work in conjunction with local police in order to carry out random breath tests on all thoroughbreds, in the hope of reducing the consumption of alcohol and recreational drugs. “It is becoming increasingly apparent that a number of animals parade through the ‘enclosure’, even at the beginning of carnivals, in an already unreasonably altered state,” explained a spokesperson from the ATC. “They appear sweaty and agitated at a time when they should be aiming to attract the attention of people with whom they could enter a mutually beneficial partnership.” The spokesperson was at pains to stress that the new policy does not imply the use of performance enhancing drugs. “In actual fact, the drugs in focus under this initiative have been found to decrease perfor38 The Beast | September 2016
mance, rather than enhance it,” the spokesperson said. Responible Service of Alcohol (RSA) trained monitors will identify horses displaying symptoms of consumption, before administering the standard RBT in order to collect evidence straight from the horses’ mouths. Handlers and trainers must also become RSA certified and ensure that all creatures have regular access to drinking water and a sufficient amount of feed. Failure to comply with these conditions could see a stable lose its licence. Major racing carnivals are commonly regarded as a perfect opportunity for beasts to show off the months of preparation devoted to reaching peak physical condition and the hours spent preening and grooming, in keeping with the events’ inherent glamour. “However, the dishevelled and exhausted appearance of many animals towards the end of proceedings, as well as the tendency of many mares and colts to lose control of their bodily functions at inopportune moments, negates
the painstaking efforts at grooming and belies the sport’s label of ‘The Sport of Kings’,” stressed the spokesperson. “And remember, many punters will be reluctant to ‘put their money on’ a filly or a stud who purges in public, no matter how strong the endorsement from friends or the form guide.” The relevant authorities also expressed concern at the actions of the beasts when exiting the racecourse. “One need only witness the throngs of creatures being herded into transport at the conclusion of the carnival, as well as the condition of these vehicles after a night ferrying them home,” conceded a representative. “We pity the poor souls who must clean them.” Discussions regarding punishment for offenders were also held with all major stakeholders. Banning offenders from future entry would reportedly be used only as an extreme measure, so it was suggested that offenders might be brought back the next day to pick up their rubbish.
MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Coastal Walk
Waverley Council has commenced repair work on the Coastal Walk to restore it after the terrible storm in June and expects it to be complete in time for Sculptures by the Sea. As everyone is aware, the pool pump and the handrails at Bronte Pool were damaged during the storm as was the concrete ramp on the beach and brick retaining wall landward of the seawall crest. During discussions about the pool it was agreed to take this opportunity to reline the pool at the same time as other repair work is undertaken as this work is long overdue. Council is going out to tender, and expects the relining will be complete within four weeks of the contract being awarded and all the work completed by October.
Transition to the new amalgamated Council
Waverley, Randwick and Woollahra Council staff have been working together for some months on the transition to a new amalgamated Council. Although Chief Judge Brian Preston recently dismissed Woollahra Council’s challenge to amalgamation, his decision is now subject to an appeal. Irrespective of a new Council being formed or not, the day-to-day operation of our Council will continue as normal. If amalgamation occurs, we are confident we will be able to deliver a smooth transition and look forward to working with Randwick and Woollahra to provide improved services to all our residents and ratepayers.
Waverley Council continues to power ahead with its solar panel initiative, leading by example to reduce Council’s carbon footprint and make our buildings more energy efficient. We have recently installed solar panels at the Marks Park amenity buildings, Margaret Whitlam Recreation Centre, Tamarama Kiosk and Mill Hill Early Education Centre. We are also installing 270 new solar panels at Waverley Library.
Sally Betts, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au
Events Have Your Say in Bronte’s Future! Saturday 20 August 2016 12–3pm Bronte Park (near the Surf Club) We’re updating the Plan of Management for Bronte Park and Beach. The plan will guide how we manage and protect Bronte over the next 10 years. For more information and to share your thoughts on this much loved area in Waverley, join us in Bronte Park on Saturday 20 August and ‘Have Your Say’! Can’t make it? Have Your Say on our online survey and keep up to date on this project by visiting waverley.nsw.gov.au/ brontepom
Bike Maintenance Workshop Wednesday 7 September 6–8pm This practical workshop will teach you the basics of how to look after your bike. You’ll learn how to: • remove a wheel/tyre • clean and lube your bike • adjust your brakes and gears The best part of all – it’s FREE! To book your spot, please call 9083 8678 or email carolyn. firstname.lastname@example.org For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.
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MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Erik Janousek BONDI PAVILION RETHINK Clearly all the furore was enough to prompt a rethink. Waverley Council’s further community engagement for the Bondi Pavilion Upgrade has now begun and will run for eight weeks until September 23. Key issues for consideration as part of this further period of community consultation will include the appropriate mix of uses of the first floor, theatre programming and facilities, music programs and facilities, and development of a Fair Use Policy to ensure fair and equitable community access. For details about how to ‘have your say’, please visit www.haveyoursaywaverley.com.au. RUN, FORREST, RUN! Blackmores Sydney Running Festival is the running event that really is for everyone (except for ridiculously unfit people who literally cannot run – you should maybe train up and try again next year). There’s a marathon (42.2km), a half-marathon (21.1km), a bridge run (9km), and a family fun run (5km). You can choose to run for your charity of choice, and as an
extra incentive, the cost of your entry fee is refunded if you hit your personal event fundraising target. For further details, please visit www.sydneyrunningfestival.com.au. BLUE BRONTE GREEN BREAKS THROUGH Blue Bronte Green is a collective of environmentally conscious Eastern Suburbs locals who are passionate about reducing plastic consumption. On June 30 they met in collaboration with the Waverley Council Sustainability Team at Bronte Surf Club to try to tackle the problem of plastic ocean debris at Bronte and Tamarama, with marvellous results. The manager of Bronte Surf Club, Peter Butcher, decided to stop offering plastic bags and plastic straws at the Bronte Kiosk. Keep up the good work, enviro warriors! POSSIBLE AMALGAMATED COUNCIL SITE Randwick City Council has reached an agreement to purchase a significant piece of land on Rainbow Street in Kingsford from Transport for NSW for $12.55
Maroubra's Rubik's cube remains unsolved.
million. The site was the home of the Kingsford Rotary Markets and is now used as a light rail construction compound. Council has not developed plans for the site yet, but is considering providing more public parking, commercial space and a supermarket. The site has also been flagged as a new civic centre and possible headquarters for an amalgamated Eastern Beaches Council. WOOLLAHRA SINGS Have you got a burning desire to sing to more than just your shower screen? Woollahra Sings is a community choir for all ages and abilities who love to sing. No auditions or music reading ability are required. Under the guidance of choirmaster James Paul you will learn voice techniques and develop soulful singing potential. The repertoire includes gospel music, popular songs, jazz, show tunes and world music. The group meets on Thursdays from 5:30 to 7pm at the Holdsworth Community Centre. It’s $10 per session, which is payable on the day. Please call 9302 3600 for more information.
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September 2016 | The Beast 41
September 2016 MONDAY
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WOMEN’S HEALTH WEEK BEGINS Women’s Health Week, taking place from September 5-9, aims to give women across Australia the opportunity to focus on their health. This year the theme is ‘Am I Normal?’ It’s a question every woman asks herself. She shouldn’t have to. Visit www.womenshealthweek.com.au.
MAROUBRA HISTORY WEEK It’s strange to think that we’re taught so much about the histories of other countries, but often have no idea about the history that’s occurred beneath our very feet. Remedy the ignorance! Head to Bowen Library from September 5–10 and get yo’self some knowledge.
BIKE MAINTENANCE WORKSHOP Having a bike is fun. Having a punctured bike you have no idea how to fix is not fun. Waverley Council is hosting a free bike maintenance workshop tonight from 6–8pm. Learn the basics, like changing tyres and lubing your gears. Call 9083 8678.
R U OK? DAY RUOK? Day was started way back in 2009. It envisions a world in which we’re all connected, and people aren’t afraid to talk about mental illness and suicide. The task for you is simple: reach out to those around you and just ask: ‘Are you okay?’
FREDDY KRUEGER AT THE RITZ Robert Englund, the actor behind Freddy Krueger’s villainous visage, will be giving a Q&A at the Ritz Cinema tonight after a special 7pm screening of his newest project – a very meta horror film called ‘The Last Showing’. Snap up your tickets at www.ritzcinema.com.au.
WOOLLAHRA SINGS! Don’t let your talent go to waste. Woollahra Sings is a community choir for all ages and abilities who love to sing. The group meets Thursdays (that’s today!) from 5:30–7pm at the Holdsworth Community Centre. It costs $10 per session, payable on the day. Call 9302 3600.
COOGEE PRECINCT MEETING Join other local residents and business owners to discuss issues that affect the local area, and to find out about events and projects that are happening in the area. Tonight’s meeting runs from 7:30–9:30pm at Coogee Eastward Senior Citizens Centre. It’s cool to care!
RANDWICK ART EXHIBITION Randwick Art Society will be holding an arts and craft exhibition at Art and Coffee Café on Bronte Road in Bondi Junction from September 1–30. The exhibition will be open daily from 9am to 2pm, except on Sundays. Snap up a painting, stay for the food.
LITTLE PANDAS CLUB Have you got a gorgeous little bub living in a household full of Mandarin speakers? If so, Bowen Library in Maroubra has got you sorted. The monthly Little Pandas Club is on today from 11:30am–12pm, with stories, rhymes and games for little ones, all in Mandarin!
LADUSHKI, LADUSHKI! Proving that Margaret Martin library really does leave no stone unturned, this morning from 10:45–11:15am it is hosting a monthly program for children 0–5 years held in Russian. Children can enjoy music, rhymes and stories, all in Russian! Ypa!
TOTALLY RANDOM BOOK CLUB This is a book club for primary school kids in years 3–6. Every month a new book is read and discussed. It’s super casual and super fun. You get together with mates and new friends, make cool stuff, and chat about books at Bowen Library today from 4 – 4:45pm.
INTO IT. OVER IT. Playing at Oxford Art Factory tonight is Chicago’s “blissfully unguarded” Into it. Over It - a.k.a. prolific indie rocker Evan Weiss. Evan is an absolutely stellar performer. To risk sounding like a Bondi Hipster, he just gets the crowd. Tickets at www.moshtix.com.au.
MOVIE MONTH KICKS OFF Having started in 1993, Movie Month is the Starlight Foundation’s longest running national fundraising event, where you can turn your love of movies into valuable support. To host a movie night or movie-themed party, register at moviemonth.starlight.org.au.
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FATHER’S DAY IN TWO DAYS Father’s Day is in two days, so if you’ve left it until now, at least you’ve got 48 hours to run down to the shops and grab a Bunnings voucher for old mate. Seriously though, it’s the thought that counts. A home-cooked brekky is very hard to beat in the present stakes.
TASTE OF COOGEE RETURNS Taste of Coogee Food and Wine Festival returns today and tomorrow. Now at Coogee Oval, the event will feature celebrity chefs ( Justin North, Andy Allen, etc.), food stalls, cooking master classes, and more. For more information, visit www.tasteofcoogee.com.au.
ECO-LIVING FAIR The Randwick Eco-Living Fair will be held today from 9.30am-3pm at the Randwick Community Centre. With sustainability workshops, food stalls, live entertainment and more, there’s a reason this has been running annually for so many years. Visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.
BIG HEART APPEAL Every year big-hearted Australians help save lives and make worldclass research possible by supporting September’s Heart Foundation Big Heart Appeal. Over 120,000 volunteers will be knocking on doors. Sign up by visiting www. heartfoundation.org.au/bigheart.
A MUGGLE GOES TO HOGWARTS If you like having fun and seeing cool magic tricks then head to the Factory Theatre tonight (or on September 6, 8 or 11) to see Clovelly magician Liam Power in his awesome new magic show about a magician trying to make it at wizard school. Visit www.fringecomedy.com.au.
FESTIVAL OF THE WINDS Do you like colourful flying contraptions and families having fun? If you don’t, there is something seriously wrong with you. Seek help. If you do, don’t miss the Festival of the Winds kite-flying festival at Bondi Park from 11am–4pm today. Visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.
CONTROL THE WAY YOU EAT Are you having a hard time controlling the way you eat? Food Addicts (FA) in Recovery Anonymous meetings are held every Friday at 10am at the Salvation Army Hall on Boyce Road, Maroubra. Call Maria on 0410 566 724 or visit www.foodaddicts.org.
RANDWICK HITS FULL SPEED Royal Randwick will be a sea of red as racegoers embrace Colgate Optic White Stakes Day today. Add in live entertainment and themed bars and you’ve got a winning combination for a great day out. For more info, please visit www.australianturfclub.com.au.
BLACKMORES RUNNING FESTIVAL Blackmores Sydney Running Festival is the running event for everyone: there’s a marathon, a half marathon, a bridge run, and a family fun-run. Run to raise money for charity, and to get your rig in shape for summer. Sign up at www. sydneyrunningfestival.com.au.
HAVE YOUR SAY ABOUT BONDI PAV Today is your last day to have your voice heard in the extended consultation period for the Bondi Pavilion’s revamp. For details about how to have ‘have your say’ – whether that be via online survey, community meeting or other – head to www.haveyoursaywaverley.com.au.
SURRY HILLS FESTIVAL We know that venturing out of the Eastern Suburbs can be a bit daunting, so best to take it slow. Why not start with the Surry Hills Festival today? The suburb comes to life with an exploration of its history, culture, diversity and creative energy. Visit www.surryhillsfestival.org.
GLOBAL RHYTHMS MUSIC FESTIVAL Eastside FM, the Eastern Suburbs’ local community radio station, is hosting the Global Rhythms Music Festival today at Bicentennial Park in Glebe from midday until 8pm. Expect a diverse range of musical genres from far and wide. Book tickets at www.globalrhythms.com.au.
CANCER COUNCIL 7 BRIDGES WALK The annual Cancer Council NSW Seven Bridges Walk will return today bigger and better than ever. Walk between ‘villages’ such as Milsons Point, Pyrmont, Rozelle and Hunters Hill, all while raising money to cure cancer. Register at www.7bridgeswalk.com.au.
Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Building Design Todd Maguire Design Solutions Ph: 0405 617 428
Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Plumber Matt Scott Surfside Plumbing Ph: 0450 391 734 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Cleaner Sarah Callan Exec Home Office Ph: 0414 510 275 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338 Handyman Cristian The Handyman Ph: 0467 484 459
by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide
Surfer, Fighter, Larrikin
RICHIE VACULIK Interview Dan Hutton Photography Jeremy Greive
Where are you originally from? I was born here in Sydney. First generation Aussie. Mum's a Pom from Manchester and Dad's Czech. He made his way out here in the late 1960s as a political refugee and him and Mum met here in Sydney and that's where it all began. Where are you living these days? I’m living down at Maroubra Junction in a little one-bedder there with the missus. It’s nice and central, and not too far from the beach, which is great. And you're a married man these days? Yeah, a married man as of May last year. We’ve just cracked the oneyear mark. What do you love about the Eastern Suburbs? It's got everything. I love the ocean, whether it be surfing, diving, swimming or fishing. This is where I've grown up and everything that I love in life is here. Whatever it is you want, you'll find it in Sydney. It's just a mad melting pot of everything, which is awesome. What gets your goat about the Eastern Suburbs? To be honest, and I hate going on about it, but it's just so busy at the moment - the traffic. I drive around all of Sydney for work and training, and it just takes so long to get from A to B these days. Do you have any favourite local haunts? Down at Maroubra Beach is where I spend most of my time, so whether it's a beer in the pub or a coffee at any one of the cafes down here, they're all great. We're spoiled for choice down here, and I know how to pull a sneaky driveway park down in Maroubra so I always find myself down here. What do you think has kept Maroubra a bit less ‘wanky’ than other parts of the Eastern Suburbs? I've always thought that it's had that little South Coast surf town feel. I
guess it probably was the last of the beaches to have money injected into the area, so that's why it felt that way, but obviously that's changing now and anywhere in Sydney is getting pretty expensive to live. Maroubra is starting to change in that respect as well. It’s still got a little rough around the edges kind of feel though. What was it like as a young bloke growing up around Maroubra? Mate, it was unreal. I guess the difference between back then and now is that you felt like no one was paying attention, so you could get away with whatever you wanted. It was a ghost town in winter. It would get a little busier in summer, but really it was your playground - running around the alleyways here and down at South Maroubra through the old army tunnels, jumping off the cliffs. It was just the best.
Maroubra is starting to change in that respect as well. It’s still got a little rough around the edges kind of feel though. How did you come to be a member of the Bra Boys? My uncle introduced me to surfing. I did Nippers down here at Maroubra, but my mum was a bit scared of me riding my board down here, so I would always go to Avalon where my uncle and cousins were and surf there. When I was about ten, I started bringing my board back down here and surfing and mum was a bit nervous, so she came down to a milk bar that used to be here called Aurora Milk Bar and asked the guy working in the shop, Shaun Bellanto, if I could get involved in the boardriders club, so I could get to know the guys and maybe she could feel a bit safer leaving me in the water.
I went down to the surf shop, met Hair Bear (Maroubra surfer Paul Chandler) who was helping run the boardriders club at the time, and I joined Maroubra Boardriders Association. That's basically where it all began. That's where I met all the boys. Not long after that my dad moved down here to Hereward Street in a little unit, so I just started spending all my time down here. I've been to a few radio interviews and they always ask about the gang and if it's organised. Mate, we couldn't organise a sausage sizzle. It's just like other surf communities all over the world. We’ve just got a different name and we decided to tattoo it across us, and we probably got a little bit more media attention for doing that. When did you get your tattoo? I got my tattoo when I was in Year 11, so I was 16 or 17. I think it was something my mum always knew was coming. Mum was hoping for a small tattoo tucked away somewhere, so she wasn’t too impressed when I came home with it branded across my guts. Has the fact that you're known as a Bra Boy made your life easier or harder? They've probably cancelled each other out in equal amounts. When I started surfing I was trying to get sponsors and get exposure in surf magazines, and I think being a Bra Boy and being under Koby Abberton's wing helped me get that exposure, but also it came back to bite me with brands, some of which maybe didn’t want to be associated so much with the Bra Boys. It was the same kind of thing when I started fighting. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm still very proud to call myself a Bra Boy and live down here. You're known for your cage fighting (mixed martial arts) and your big wave surfing prowess; what scares you more? When I sit back and think
September 2016 | The Beast 45
about it logically, walking into the Octagon with a professional fighter who has been spending months training to beat you up can be pretty scary, but there’s a ref in there, it’s in a controlled environment and you've got a doctor on standby. When you're out in the ocean, you can't just tap on the mat and it's all over. Logically thinking, the ocean is scarier, but I’ve been around it more and built up a level of comfort, so they both kind of scare me equally, but differently. When did you first get into fighting and, particularly, mixed martial arts? I always loved training as a kid. Koby Abberton was big on training and staying fit for when the waves got big. In my early teens I was introduced to boxing. We had Ronny Reardon down here, a professional boxer who had fought for the Australian title, and a bunch of older guys who were always into their boxing and started to teach us. Then I was introduced to Brazilian jiu-jitsu by Bruno Panno and Alex Prates, which I quickly became hooked on. I started competing in both jiujitsu and boxing, had a bit of success and thought, "I wouldn't mind trying my hand at this cage fighting business". I had no idea if I'd totally freeze once the bell went and get my head punched in. I got in, didn’t freeze and won my first couple fights. I was hooked from there and realised that I really enjoyed it.
All those personal things to me that I have always kept pretty close to my heart, it felt good getting it all out there. You've been fighting on the UFC circuit since 2013; how did that come about? If you want to fight the best in the world, the UFC is definitely the place to do it. When I first started fighting, it wasn't even achievable to make it to the UFC. One, they didn't have my weight classes. Two, down in old Australia, the arse end of the world, to make it to America with the UFC just seemed so out of this world. Eventually I got to fight my way into the Ultimate Fighter house as
46 The Beast | September 2016
a part of Team Australia to take on Team UK in a series they call ‘The Smashers’. I made it into the house as a lightweight. By that time they had introduced the weight classes that I competed in. I've fought from 57kg all the way up to 70kg and they had just opened up the below 70kg divisions, so the UFC was very much a realistic goal. I didn’t get the results in the house I was after, but I continued to fight, got some good wins and eventually the UFC called. It really was a dream come true. You’ve since been released by the UFC; how does that happen? Yeah, I had three losses. One in particular was probably the most fun fight I've had in my career. It was in my hometown against a tough fighter called Louis Smolka and I was feeling great in the fight. I'd won the first two rounds before I got caught by a head kick in the third and the fight was stopped. That's why we love the sport, though. You never know what's going to happen. After that I fought on the biggest UFC card to date, which was the show in Melbourne where Rhonda Rousey fought Holly Holm in front of 60,000 people. I lost to a decision on that card and having had back-to-back losses I was released from the UFC. I was pretty gutted, but now I have the opportunity to fight for whoever I want. There are some good offers to fight at the moment, so I’m going to see what’s on the table and hopefully fight before the end of the year. Is there good money to be made fighting in the UFC? Not necessarily. If you make the top ten of your division you're on some pretty good money, but when you start off it's not a lot. I'm a carpet layer by trade and if I was to work five days a week I'd definitely be earning a lot more money than I would fighting, but you do it because you love it. How hard do you train in the lead up to a fight? In the lead up to a fight you've got to be pretty selfish. I try to get in anywhere between 12 and 14 sessions a week. You’ve got wrestling, jiu-jitsu, kickboxing and boxing. There are also those other traditional martial arts, like karate and taekwondo, if you want to incorporate that into your training. And
obviously you’re doing that training on top of strength and conditioning, on top of physio and on top of a bit of rest. I try to get into the ocean as well to have my little escape for the week and to just forget about fighting for an hour or two. There's been a bit of controversy lately in regard to drug use by UFC competitors; in such a high-risk sport, what sort of punishment do you think should be dished out to drug cheats? It's unfortunate that you get so many high profile fighters caught using drugs, but in the same regard it's good that the sport is getting cleaned up and USADA are doing a good job of the testing and everything now. The sport's wild enough and crazy enough as it is. We don’t need guys pumped full of ‘roids going in there. It's a serious issue and I think guys should be banned. The ban should be really lengthy, and financially significant as well, because as long as it's going on the sport's losing credibility. You recently competed in the Red Bull Cape Fear surfing event down at Cape Solander, dubbed by many as the best competitive surfing spectacle of all time; can you tell us a bit about that? To get that swell triple overhead and bigger - in those conditions to coincide with the event was just amazing. I've been surfing that wave down there for over 15 years now and never seen anything like that in the past. I'm stoked that my good mate Mark Mathews comes up with these crazy ideas and I'm just a knucklehead fighter who gets to tag along and be a part of these things. To see guys like Jughead ( Justin Allport) and all these underground Aussie chargers going mad out there along with some of my best mates was amazing. We were just stoked that Red Bull backed us and let us run it in those conditions. You suffered the wipe-out of the contest; what was it like getting thrown around out there? It can go so many different ways. Sometimes you can fall on a wave out there and get spat out the back and you can come out scot-free just scratching your head. Then you can fall on a pretty unassuming wave and get picked up and slammed on the reef, pushed up against a cliff, held down,
and come out of it bleeding and sore, not wanting to paddle back out to the line-up. When you fall there's only so much you can do. I just try to tuck my limbs in and not get pulled apart too much, then just hope for the best. You got into quite a bit of trouble when you were younger; do you regret some of the decisions you made back then? Do you have any advice for hot-headed young blokes to help them stay out of trouble? I do regret it and I'm not proud of it all. I was up on the Gold Coast, Mick Fanning had won a world title and I was up there celebrating with all my mates. I was full of booze and ended up getting into a blue in the pub and had to get extradited back up to Queensland to face charges of grievous bodily harm. Looking back, it's one of the darkest moments of my life, but also I think without that happening I wouldn't have made the changes I needed to make to be successful in mixed martial arts and surfing in general. It's so hard at that age to try to make the right decisions, especially when you're up to your eyelids full of drink. You’re always trying to prove yourself, which leads you into doing some stupid stuff. Now I work with the Police Citizens Youth Club (PCYC) here at Daceyville as part of a program called ‘Back on Track’. We work with all the young fellas who are getting into a bit of trouble and we teach them some martial arts and get them to the gym twice a week. There’s an instructor, Luis Regis, and we all bow and shake hands and they get partnered up with adult men. It really opens their eyes. The idea that the only way to prove yourself is by getting into fights is something that I'd love to try to change with the young guys. If they want to fight, do it in the ring. Nothing good comes from fighting anywhere else. Has your wife been a big part of keeping you on the straight and narrow? Yeah, my wife's been a huge influence in me turning things around. We met when we were teenagers and we dated for a few years, but at that time life was all about going mad with your mates. We broke up for a few years and we rekindled in our mid 20s. She set out the terms and
48 The Beast | September 2016
conditions that if we were to get back together I had to keep my kit on and not run around nude and go mad like I’ve always done. She's quite conservative. She's a Pilates instructor and she's very health conscious so for me, when I started taking my fighting seriously, she was just a godsend. You recently released a book called Bra Boy. Can you tell us a bit about it? I was approached by the guys at Allen & Unwin about the idea. I was flattered, but a little uncomfortable about how to go about it. A good friend of mine, Sean Doherty, is a surf journalist and author, so I approached him to see if he could help me out with the book and he said yes. We started putting pen to paper at the start of the year. We threw out a pretty wide net and tried to cover everything and then break it up, and we had a bit of fun with it, putting it into chapters and giving the chapters themes. It’s no holds barred. You only have one crack at an autobiography and I thought, "I'm going to be honest with it and put it all out there". I'm pretty happy with the final result. It basically just talks about my life growing up here in Maroubra. Actually, it starts before then; it starts with how my parents moved to Australia and me being a first generation Aussie. Was it a cathartic experience penning down your memoir? I'm not sure what cathartic means, but it was therapeutic. It kind of answered a few questions for me. It made me start thinking about certain things and realising “maybe this is the reason I act this way”. Even going back through my parents’ stories and finding similarities between myself and my parents. All those personal things to me that I have always kept pretty close to my heart, it felt good getting it all out there. And I’m proud, too. I never would’ve imagined a kid who started off school at ESL (English as a Second Language) would end up writing a book. Do you have any advice for young blokes looking to make a career out of big wave surfing or mixed martial arts fighting? I think you just need to be honest. If it's what you want to do and you love it and you're passionate about it, go for it. If you're doing it
because you think it looks cool or you want to try to earn money or whatever, especially in mixed martial arts, then it’s not going to work. Who are your role models/mentors? My parents and all my family were huge role models of mine, but when it came to surfing, I was a huge Tommy Carroll fan, and when it comes to fighting, BJ Penn is a guy I still look up to and respect today in terms of how he carries himself in and out of the ring. There was no shortage of guys to look up to growing up down at Maroubra, too. There are hundreds of guys I’ve looked up to for all sorts of reasons. In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Richie Vaculik? Mate, I’d just like to be happy and healthy, to be honest. I've focused so much of my life on achieving goals inside the Octagon or surfing or whatever it may be, but I think that as you get older you realise that just being happy and healthy and being able to enjoy life is the best thing. I love having a family - me and my wife. All my friends are on their second and third kid and that's something I'm looking forward to. If I'm happy and my loved ones are happy and healthy, I think that's a pretty good outcome. I'll be content with that. ‘Bra Boy’ by Richie Vaculik is published by Allen & Unwin and is available now from all good book stores. It's a bloody entertaining account of Richie's life growing up in the local area and well worth a read.
Don't let him in.
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER Words Rupert Truscott-Hughes Picture www.geraldkelley.com
verything I was taught as a child must’ve been completely wrong. Save your pennies, they said. Look after those and the pounds will look after themselves, they promised. I was read Aesop’s The Ant and the Grasshopper and encouraged to knuckle down, work hard and plan for the future. I became an ant. But maybe the grasshopper wasn’t so silly after all. Aesop never mentioned anything about negative interest rates and the availability of ridiculously cheap debt. Maybe living in the moment is the right thing to do - why work hard and save when you can have fun and borrow? Or, as French fabulist Jean-Jacques Boisard so eloquently put it: “Since we must all die in the end, hoarding is folly, enjoyment is wise.” On August 2, the Reserve Bank of Australia again reduced the rate of borrowing, dropping it by 25 basis points to a record low of 1.5 per cent. Our nation is clearly on a crash course towards negative interest rates, a state already reached in a number of other countries 50 The Beast | September 2016
in the developed world including Switzerland, Sweden and Japan. Central banks play with interest rates for a variety of reasons, but largely it’s to control inflation, manage a country’s currency and encourage economic growth. Most of the time, in Australia anyway, it’s largely ineffectual. But none of you really give a flying financial f**k about that, do you? Nope, all you low-life pond scum give a shit about are house prices and mortgage repayments. And fair enough too, because this is where interest rates are felt most significantly by the average Joe. With that in mind, the fact that one of the most noticeable effects of reduced interest rates here in the Eastern Suburbs has been to drive house prices even higher is not to be sneezed at. There is no doubt that rate reductions are a significant driver in this price growth. What does this mean to the average punter? If you’re looking to buy, you could end up paying twice as much as what your neighbour paid for basically the same
property just a few years ago. Sure, your repayments will be similar to what they faced when they first purchased their house, but if interest rates rise you will likely be in for a far more nasty shock. There is nothing good about paying back more than you can afford on a property that is hastily losing value, or so I have heard. If you’ve got cash in the bank, you’re probably best to put it elsewhere, as the interest on your savings is only barely outdoing inflation at present. If interest rates go any lower, you could be paying for the bank to hold on to money for you that will inevitably purchase you less in the future. So what does wise old Rupert suggest you do? Honestly, I’ve got about as much idea as the next bloke, which is bugger all. It’s really all just a massive punt. That said, if Aesop’s winter does eventually arrive, I’ll be more than happy to sit in front of my wood fire and watch the grasshoppers of the world dance their last dance out in the deathly cold.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF AUSTRALIA FACING NEGATIVE INTEREST RATES? Words and Pictures Madeleine Gray
Corey RUSHCUTTERS BAY It would be unfair for people who work hard for their money and are charged to keep it safe in a bank. I work my arse off and I don't want to pay extra when someone who doesn’t work as hard doesn’t have to.
Lesley MAROUBRA For the average person, I think it’s a great idea. The government already bleeds us all enough.
I’m not really sure what negative interest is, but from what I can understand it would generally be a good thing for homeowners with loans to repay. But obviously it’s not so great if it’s your money you’re losing.
I think it could be both negative and positive, depending on where you are and what assets you have. It doesn’t affect me because I don’t earn that much, but you’d be spewing if you had to pay for all your money to sit in a bank.
Maddy COOGEE Paul BRONTE I don’t think it will happen, but I think it would be a great thing because I’m a property owner with two mortgages. So it’d be great for me and other people with home loans.
Young people don’t understand this, because the media and banks don’t make it very transparent. I get the idea that negative interest rates would be good for people who are in debt, but not good for older people living off their savings. September 2016 | The Beast 51
Two of Sydney's leading anglers.
SPRING IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER Words Dan Trotter Picture Harry Taylor
t’s quite amazing how quickly the days get longer. With our heads buried in work, study or preparing family dinners, the gradual day-to-day crawl can pass us by, and all of a sudden it’s almost spring and time for pre-work swims or post-work runs. With everything that is going on in the big bad world, living here among the beaches of the east makes it feel more and more as though we are the luckiest people on the planet. That is, despite the fact that our state premier seems hell-bent on ruining all the fun for the young and selling off our assets 52 The Beast | September 2016
to foreign investors for their shortterm gain at our expense. Why is it so hard to find decent politicians these days? On the flipside, how good has this winter been? Outstanding blue-sky days full of sunshine and warmth one moment, and proper cold snaps the next. It’s certainly been eventful. Below the ocean, east coast anglers have been spoilt with a bounty our fisheries managers should be proud of. A solid run of beautiful bluefin streaked their way up the coast, spiny rock lobsters made their annual migrations
and the big snapper and kings, like clockwork, were where they were supposed to be. However, the month ahead can be a finicky one. With water temperatures at close to the lowest levels of the year, the metabolisms of most fish are at an all time low, which means getting many of the species to bite can be as difficult as ever. Nevertheless, great catches of a vast array of species can be had by putting in the time around the tides and the diurnal change of light. I for one find it hard to go past searching for snapper in the relative shallows at dawn and dusk, or fishing for squid and blackfish off the rocks when the sea conditions are calm and the wind a gentle zephyr. If yellowtail kingfish interest you, this month is as good as any. September often sees the biggest and baddest of the XOS hoodlums taken off the stones. Tides are important to elicit a bite, but there’s no telling when the fish may wander past. One thing is for sure, there will be some solid kings taken along the deep ocean ledges by land-based fishos and free-diving fanatics alike. Recent forays below the surface have indicated the presence of large numbers of bream and whiting along the beaches, and what seems like record numbers of leatherjacket in the harbour. Use a small bobby cork, a light leader, a few pieces of split shot and some peeled prawn on a 1/0 octopus style hook for the bream, or a size 8 to 6 long-shank for the leatherjacket. To catch whiting, ditch the float and the peeled prawn and opt for a longshank and fresh beach or bloodworm for best effect. If, on the other hand, the weather’s too cold, book a trip north for a fishy escape or get busy with repairs and planning for the spring and summer ahead. Whatever you do, don’t stop dreaming. Dreams are our chance for a daily escape into the passions that keep our hopes alive and fires alight. Tight lines friends. Spring is just around the corner.
SEPTEMBER 2016 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Kieran Harvey Instagram @burst.mode MONDAY
• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter *Please add an hour during daylight savings time
1 • 0209 0.27 0812 1.46 1401 0.38 2020 1.73
2 0245 0.28 0849 1.48 1442 0.38 2058 1.68
3 0317 0926 1521 2133
0.31 1.49 0.41 1.61
4 0348 0.35 1000 1.49 1600 0.44 2208 1.53 11 0320 1.13 0904 0.66 1544 1.43 2233 0.56
5 0419 0.40 1036 1.48 1640 0.49 2245 1.45
6 0452 0.45 1113 1.47 1723 0.54 2323 1.36
7 0527 0.51 1154 1.44 1812 0.59
8 0007 1.27 0607 0.57 1240 1.42 1908 0.63
9 • 0100 1.19 0657 0.62 1334 1.40 2015 0.65
10 0205 1.14 0757 0.66 1437 1.40 2129 0.62
12 0429 1.18 1009 0.62 1643 1.51 2326 0.47
13 0524 1.25 1105 0.54 1734 1.60
14 0011 0610 1156 1820
0.37 1.35 0.45 1.70
15 0052 0.27 0654 1.45 1244 0.35 1905 1.78
16 0132 0736 1331 1950
17 0213 0820 1420 2037
19 0339 0.16 0953 1.75 1603 0.20 2215 1.68
20 0424 0.22 1043 1.75 1700 0.25 2309 1.55
21 0512 0.31 1134 1.72 1800 0.32
22 0006 1.42 0604 0.42 1231 1.67 1908 0.39
23 • 0112 1.30 0703 0.51 1334 1.61 2023 0.44
26 0451 1033 1659 2338
27 0545 1.34 1131 0.50 1751 1.61
28 0023 0.35 0630 1.41 1222 0.45 1837 1.62
29 0102 0.33 0709 1.47 1306 0.41 1917 1.62
30 0136 0745 1346 1955
1.27 0.56 1.59 0.38
Mussett throwing buckets.
0.19 1.56 0.27 1.82
0.32 1.52 0.38 1.60
0.14 1.65 0.21 1.82
24 0227 1.23 0813 0.57 1445 1.57 2138 0.44
18 0255 0906 1511 2125
0.13 1.71 0.19 1.77
25 0345 1.22 0925 0.59 1556 1.57 2244 0.42
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS Words Pascal Geraghty Picture Greg Norman
hen you think of the ocean you might think of a dark, ruthless world where hunt or be hunted is the only law. Animals living under the constant threat of being gobbled up should they dare reveal themselves by poking a fin out from their safe place. Creatures living fast, dying young. There’s no doubt it is ruthless under those waves, but it’s perhaps not so helter skelter down there. Research is showing that many marine creatures are actually living slow and dying old. Yellowtail kingfish, for example, have been found at 21 years of age, old enough to legally drink and buy hand guns in the United States; pink ling are known to live 25 to 30 years, old enough to be tied down by a mortgage, a couple of kids and a boring job; mulloway, swordfish and lobsters can all go deep into their dirty thirties; mighty southern bluefin tuna and old men snapper are known to rock the salt and pepper look in their 40s; a simple silver sweep on red alert for 54 The Beast | September 2016
a mid-life crisis has been recorded at 54 years old; a cranky great white shark at 73 years, likely still working thanks to Tony Abbott; and a geriatric bass groper, possibly resisting a retirement village, was recorded at almost 80 years young . These are just a few examples of actual ages assigned to individual fish by research scientists using a variety of ageing techniques such as the counting of annual growth bands in ear bones (otoliths) and vertebrae, and bomb radiocarbon dating. It makes you wonder what these old fish have seen, what they’ve experienced and what they know. I’m curious how many times that 40 year-old southern bluefin swum around the world, which was his favourite country, how many close calls he had with hungry mako sharks, whether he gets along with all the other tuna swimming in his school, and how he avoided the tuna ranchers and longliners for so long? I’d love to know what that silver sweep did to fill his 54 years. Did
he make the most of his time, have any regrets, ever venture away from his home patch of reef ? And how many times was he caught and thrown back? I wonder what it was like to be that bass groper, living in complete darkness on a seamount for 80 long years. Did his neighbours scare him in the dark when they dropped round for a visit? And did he ever have a ship sink and settle on his submarine mountain? Above all, I wonder how much these fish saw and felt their environment change around them during their lifespan. I’ll never know the answers to these questions, but I certainly find it humbling to think that the plain, unassuming little fish I spotted while snorkelling could possibly have a decade or two on me. Who knows? Either way, the knowledge that many of the fish I see have spent more time on this planet than me helps me to maintain a healthy respect for our scaly friends.
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don’t have to choose between wide-leg pants or skinny ones, for example; they can sell both. With so much more on offer no one has to look alike and the life of each ‘trend’ is extended - like the athleisure and boyfriend jean trends. Gone are the days of having to squeeze into an unflattering ‘must-have’ item just because fashion magazines and industry insiders call it the ‘trend of the season’. Now there’s something that suits every body shape, so you can take it or leave it depending on your own figure and dress for your personal style. Still wondering what to wear in the new season? Focus on a bigger picture than the one snapped at the end of a catwalk. Think about your personal style and whether your clothing choices accurately reflect your personality or just one of the many passing trends. On the streets I found... NAME Phoebe LIVES Bondi Beach OCCUPATION Teacher STREET STYLE Phoebe wears a Neon Hart jumper, Nudie jeans, Nike hightops and wallet by Kate Spade. Phoebe from Bondi Beach.
Rimmelle from Bellevue Hill.
MAKE ANY LOOK YOUR OWN THIS SEASON Words and Pictures Sharmin Musca, Personal Stylist
udging by runway shows and retailer previews, womenswear trends for next season are numerous. Silhouettes range from short sexy minis to long flowing maxis, from modern tailoring to soft floaty pieces, with an assortment of colours from soft blush and rust hues, to vibrant yellows and headto-toe white. While the myriad of options may seem confusing, we should actually celebrate this greater 56 The Beast | September 2016
opportunity for self-expression – designers are ultimately offering women the chance to make any look their own rather than having to be a slave to a definitive ‘musthave’ trend. Thanks to the Internet, new styles are online immediately after a preview or runway show allowing fashion to be instantly accessible to all. And retailers can peddle more online than within the constraints of a bricks-and-mortar store - they
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THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... COPING WITH EXAMS Words Nat Shepherd Picture Ann Ziety
he season of exams is close upon us. Most people aged 17 or 18 are currently in a state of either denial or deep anxiety. A recent study by the School of Education at UNSW suggests that Year 12 is unreasonably stressful for students. In a test group, 42 per cent of students showed symptoms of anxiety high enough to be of clinical concern. As yet, no one has tested their poor parents. Basically, exams are the pits. Most of them are taken when our brains are utterly distracted by raging hormones, yet their outcome can affect the rest of our lives. But never fear, The Unreliable Guide has some tips on how to survive…
Beware of coffee, black tea and all those caffeine drinks. These are false friends that give, but - like all drugs - ultimately take back with interest. Like caffeine, sugar is a powerful stimulant, so abuse it at your peril.
EAT AND DRINK WELL Believe it or not, our brains use up to 20 per cent of all our energy. That is one greedy organ, and if you don’t feed it properly it will not perform well. Imagine study as training for a marathon; give your brain lots of low GI foods to keep it going. Drink lots of water, because dehydration equals brain failure.
REMEMBER THAT LEARNING IS STATE-DEPENDENT That means if you revise at the beach you’d better be taking your exams there, because that will be the best place for recall. This goes for mental states too; if you revise when you’re high, then you’d better take the exam high too (NB: neither is recommended).
58 The Beast | September 2016
HAVE ACHIEVABLE GOALS Everyone says this, but I don’t mean the goal of getting 95 per cent in your final exam - that just adds stress. I'm talking about the goals after all this nonsense has passed - lying on a beach in Mykonos, or just lying in bed without feeling guilty. You need a light at the end of the tunnel, so paste up a picture of your ultimate reward where you can see it every day.
RELAX. SLEEP. EXERCISE. You actually still learn while you relax, sometimes even more efficiently than when you are poring over your books. The brain files information when you have down time, so don’t forget to give it some. Mindfulness meditation is awesome; give it a go. There are plenty of apps if you don’t feel like taking classes. KEEP A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE Sometimes we take exams just because we are told to, or because other people expect it. If that’s you, remember that you only have one life and maybe failing this exam will free you up to do something you really want to. Jump off the hamster wheel. If you want to pass an exam so much you can hardly think straight, just remember you can take it again and again until you get what you want. Ultimately the Unreliable Guide suggests that you always get the result you need, even if it might not be the one you wanted...
your next caffeine hit. You may even score a discount from local cafes. JUMP online and pledge to be plastic free at www.secondnature.org.au. KEEP our beaches LITTER-FREE. Take three pieces of rubbish with you when leaving the beach. Find out more at www.take3.org.au. MAKE your own yoghurt from easy-make kits at the supermarket. Say NO to plastic bags at your local shop and use reusable bags instead. PLASTIC bag free is the way of the future. Ask your local shop owner to go plastic bag free. Find out more at www.bluebondigreen.org. QUIT using plastic containers altogether. Choose glass or steel for food storage instead.
THE A-Z OF LIVING A PLASTIC-FREE LIFE Words Nicola Saltman Picture Al Fabetical
ollowing Plastic Free July, you’ve probably heard all the hoo-ha about the scourge of plastic on our planet. This is a very real and scary problem that has been receiving much deserved public attention lately. An estimated eight million tonnes of plastic enters our oceans each year, where it entangles and endangers wildlife. Single-use plastics, like bags, cup and straws, take a whole heap of resources to make, are used within minutes and then take hundreds of years to leave our environment. It’s sobering to think that every bit of plastic ever made still exists somewhere (and hopefully not in the gut of a poor unsuspecting turtle). Check our A-Z list of simple ways that you can curb your plastic addiction every day…
BAN the bag with Bondi Farmers Market and the local community folks at Blue Bondi Green. Show your support and follow @bluebondigreen on Instagram.
AVOID over-packaged, processed, canned and frozen convenience foods like the bananas packaged in a polystyrene tray wrapped in cling film.
HEMP bags are eco-friendly and highly durable alternatives to plastic bags.
60 The Beast | September 2016
CUT cling wrap from your life. Store food in reusable containers or machine-washable cloth wrappers for the fridge and lunchbox. DITCH disposable water bottles for reusable ones - they are readily available at supermarkets, homewares stores and sports retailers. EAT naked (FOODS, that is) and buy in bulk to reduce the need for unnecessary packaging. GREEN-UP your picnic with reusable picnic plates, cups and cutlery; or just BYO dishes from home.
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RECYCLE soft plastics, like bread, pasta, rice, cereal and lolly bags, newspaper wrapping and old green bags at Coles and some Woolworths stores. STRAWS suck. Literally. Next time, think before you drink (through a straw). TAKE your reusable bags grocery shopping. It will send a strong signal to other shoppers. USE social media to spread the word about plastic-free to inspire mates to join you. Remember to use the hashtag #plasticfree2016. VOLUNTEER for local activities or events to help ‘talk the walk’ on being plastic-free. Email email@example.com. WASH plastic sandwich and freezer bags, and dry them on a rack to reuse while you play the XYLOPHONE. Say YES to a legislative ban on plastic bags in NSW. ZERO-WASTE is a challenge, but we’re committed to making it happen!
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combine to make a vibrant green colour that would rival the Hulk’s complexion. Secondly, the wall of flavour and nutrient hit will swallow you whole and spit you out like glassy 6-foot A-frame at South Bondi. Yeeeeeew! BONDI WHOLEFOODS – SNICKERS EXPRESS-O HEALTH SMOOTHIE This thing is a beast. A delicious, sexy beast. It’s cocky ingredient list is damn impressive: cold-pressed almond milk, organic banana, Medjool date, chia seed, linseed, a shot of organic fair-trade coffee, peanut butter and Mercola vanilla whey protein. They top off this extravagance with a swirl of raw cacao sauce and a handful of crunchy cacao nut crumble.
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QTIPS #9 – FOUR OF THE BEST JUICES AND SMOOTHIES IN THE EAST Words Niall Roeder Picture Cali Press
hop it. Blend it. Pour it. Drink it. If Daft Punk were helmet-wearing robo-selectors from Bondi instead of France, that might’ve been the way ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’ turned out. Maybe even ‘Technologic’, too. Cold-pressed juices, smoothies and all things whizzed are all the rage right now. They contain strange and beneficial things, like chia seeds (choc-a-block full of nutrients) and turmeric (a potent anti-inflammatory), and they’re non-alcoholic, meaning as far as healthiness goes, it’s a thumbs up. Also, more often than not they’re tasty AF. Just remember to heed the warning of wacky know-it-all and national treasure Dr Karl. When it comes to blended meals, the good 62 The Beast | September 2016
doctor says: 1. You usually miss out on the fibre; 2. No chewing equals no enzymes from saliva to aid digestion; and 3. You’re potentially getting too many calories in one sitting. So yeah, moderation, people. Here are four of the best juices/ smoothies in The Beast’s catchment area… CALI PRESS – GREEN ROOM For all the surfing-illiterate out there, the ‘green room’, also known as the barrel, the tube and the pit, is the hollow tunnel created by a pitching wave. This smoothie is fittingly named ‘Green Room’ for two reasons. Firstly, the kale, spinach, cos, celery, cucumber, parsley, lemon, banana, coconut, super greens and almond butter
MELONHEAD – MIGHTY MARTY’S MUSCLE SHAKE This family-run juice bar is in Coogee, Bondi’s close, suburban cousin. Besides freshly squeezed juices that abide by a ‘nothing fake for goodness sake’ guideline, the Melonheads pour a sturdy protein shake. With its 30 grams of protein powder, wheat germ, honey, banana, ice, ice cream and skim milk, it’s simple, tasty and muscle building. Down one of these smoothies and you’ll have an instant eight-pack… guaranteed. SEJUICED – A SIMPLE CLASSIC How devastated is every other juice company that they didn’t come up with ‘Sejuiced’ as their name? This joint has been down on the beach at Bondi for years. It’s as close to the beach as you can get and is the type of place you go if you want something simple and old school, like a good old cup of OJ. We’re not sure if it’s veganpressed, cold-sourced or any of that jazz, but it’s bloody good. The QT Concierge App, your little black book to the best of Bondi – cafes, bars, shops, restaurants, activities and more – is out now. Download it at https://itunes. apple.com/au/app/qt-gold-coastconcierge/id526442408.
BOO NOW K !
What happens in Amsterdam...
PASSING THE DUTCHIE IN AMSTERDAM Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug
ex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Okay, substitute the rock ‘n’ roll with a combination of canals, museums, historical architecture, fashionable shops, cool cafes and thousands upon thousands of pushbikes, and you have one of the most vibrant cities in Europe. We stayed in the uber cool area of Jordaan, which incorporates nine canal cross streets that make up the charming shopping area of this perfect location. Next door to our apartment was a very retro looking café, which appeared to be a very successful little business. It was always full and everyone inside looked incredibly chilled out and happy. Upon closer perusal of the extensive menu, and with a familiar smell wafting from the premises, we soon realised our neighbours were the proprietors of a very successful licensed ‘coffeeshop’ (cannabis selling café). There were more than a few of these establishments to choose from in this very diverse, quirky city. The canal belt area of Amsterdam is the most beautiful part of the city. Cafes, restaurants, shops, galleries and a vibrant kaleidoscope of eclectic houseboats line the canals. All day a constant flow of canal traffic ensures they take centre stage, as locals going about their
64 The Beast | September 2016
daily business vie for space with the tourist vessels that seem to be operating non-stop. We did a canal tour courtesy of the fifteen-day Avalon River cruise from Budapest that we had just alighted from. This was our last complimentary tour as part of that journey and it gave us a great perspective of the city. I would highly recommend any first time visitor to do a canal tour. The canal area is a magical part of Amersterdam, and it features an extensive range of architecture that is very unique to this historical city. They certainly have the knack of utilising small spaces, as most of the buildings in the canal area appear to all be leaning on each other and morphing into one. Working out what to do on our first night in Amsterdam was a no-brainer. The red light district has such worldwide notoriety that a visit there is compulsory, and we were not disappointed! The streets ooze sleaze, with prostitutes displaying themselves shamelessly while unsavoury looking pimps hang around relatively conspicuously. Like everyone else, we gawked unapologetically. The voyeuristic nature of most people ensures that the red light district of Amsterdam is one of the liveliest and most popular tourist attractions in Europe.
The walk around the district was quite surreal, with women gyrating and sensually luring customers from behind their private glass display units wearing very little (I did have a quick peek on occasion, but never touched – I promise). It is very interesting, to say the least. The vibe around the colourful red light district felt like a combination of a burlesque show mixed with a Cirque du Soleil performance. The next day we were back to reality, and we spent it visiting the Van Gogh Museum, which houses the world’s largest collection of Dutch Post-Impressionist paintings and other contemporary works. It’s a must-do visit if you love art and the history of Van Gogh. Afterwards, while on a walk around the canals, we passed a long line-up of people waiting to visit the house where Anne Frank and her family were incarcerated during World War II. It’s definitely worth doing this tour as it paints a picture of the suffering that this poor young girl lived through during this period of time. One of my favourite things about Amsterdam was its bicycle culture. Nearly everyone cycles. There are designated lanes everywhere and the cycle traffic on them is literally non-stop. Sydney could certainly learn a thing or two from them. Amsterdam is the most bicyclefriendly capital city in the world, and with an urban area population of over 1.1 million people, a massive 60 per cent of trips are made by bicycles in the inner city. Pushbikes are a way of life and the main way to get around. There are also 140 bicycle shops in the city. Beware, though, when crossing roads that you don’t accidently veer into a bicycle lane, as cyclists get very angry when you encroach on their space as they whizz past at high speed. Trust me - I know from experience. How to book Vicki Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166 How to book www.avalonwaterways.com.au
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SEX IS NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Khal Drogo
hy is it that we are shown so many unrealistic sex scenes in movies we see these days? Couples look into each other’s eyes, become aroused without foreplay, and within three minutes have simultaneous mind-blowing orgasms – this is a fantasy that in real life is totally implausible. So when we see great sex on the screen, do we also expect that in our personal lives? Many of my clients complain that their sex lives are no longer very good, that they lack passion. These couples believe their friends and work colleagues have more and much better sex than they have. Not being satisfied with your sex life can often lead to emotional suffering, insecurity and disconnection from your partner. About 10 years ago, Dr Barry McCarthy and Dr Michael Metz created the ‘Good Enough Sex’ model for couple sexual satisfaction. The authors believe it’s the unspoken and unrealistic pressures couples place on their sexual performance that can lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. The model is broken down into 66 The Beast | September 2016
several essential principles and helps people to focus less on performance while increasing awareness of pleasure, happiness and emotional intimacy. Sex is valued as a positive and invaluable part of an individual’s and couple’s self-esteem, pleasure, intimacy and confidence. They believe that relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. If partners have more realistic expectations about sex and receive more psychosexual knowledge/education, they will have better sexual satisfaction. It is important to focus on positive sexual experiences while accepting that less positive experiences are quite normal. Performance pressure, fear of failure and worries about rejection should be removed. Sex should be integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. So what do I tell couples who come to see me hoping I can help improve their sex lives? Sometimes they believe they have lost their libido, but it often turns out that the sex they are having lacks
passion. People in a long-term relationship can’t expect to feel as horny or want sex as much as they did when they first met. It’s easy to lose interest in being intimate with a partner when sex has become predictable and boring, which can then create a sense of disconnection and frustration. Unsatisfying sex is quite common in long-term relationships, especially when we take our partners for granted. If you want your sexual needs met, you must first know what your needs and desires are, and then you must let your partner know. There is also this myth that sex should be spontaneous – well, it isn’t. Sex doesn’t just mysteriously happen (as is often the case in movies). If you want to have good sex, you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it. Embracing ‘good enough sex’ can empower and motivate couples to be more aware that sexual performance is not the be-all and end-all. Just keep in mind that sex is not an Olympic sport.
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WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM? Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Ken Yan
h, spring, you magnificent beast. Vanquish those cold mornings and let us wallow in your warm and loving embrace. Is there any better time of year? No. If you think otherwise, you must either still be in school or you’re a sociopath. One of the most marvellous things you can experience in the east around spring is getting up early and catching the hive of activity that is the coastal walk. Just before sunrise until about 7am the path is awash with joggers, working off the winter stews and seasonal depression. We can't say 'bikini body' anymore, apparently, but I'm sure there's some coldhearted vanity at play as well. It is a great way to start the day and also an effective method of working off the gas that's accrued overnight. No kidding. Around 500 metres into my morning run, I start to produce a suspicious and loud quacking noise. Apologies to anyone unfortunate enough to be running behind me.
68 The Beast | September 2016
More earnest runners will have been out for months, battling the cold in preparation for the City2Surf and Sydney Half Marathon. At least I hope that’s what they’re doing - if they’re just running for the fun of it, they must get a sick pleasure from self-inflicted pain. The half marathon is quite serious business, while the City2Surf maintains a carnival atmosphere and is achievable by us mere 'park runners'. The half marathon’s extra seven kilometres really separates the amateurs from the diehards; the pencil-pushers from the John McClanes. I have never run a ‘half ’ and have no intention to. My brain goes to some weird and dark places over 14 kilometres; I feel like I might develop some severe psychological issues and self-loathing over 21. My routine of a beer for every kilometre afterwards seems a little reckless after that distance as well. I sometimes wonder what professional marathon runners think of during those endless hours of pounding the pavement. I'm not
sure I really want to know. Some real terror must reside within those tiny little skulls. What drives them to put themselves through such misery, over and over again? It's certainly not the fame or fortune. Marathon runners are hardly the most revered and rewarded athletes in our society. Perhaps they should be, but there is nothing sexy about really skinny people literally shitting themselves so they don't lose any time. The vast array of inspirational quotes that litter the Internet about marathon running do give a little insight as to why people do it: ‘life changing experience’, ‘state of mind’, ‘pride’, and my personal favourite, ‘any idiot can run, but it takes a special kind of idiot to run a marathon’. These seem like reasonable motivations. A sense of purpose and achievement can be powerful things. My father once ran a marathon and he hasn't shut up about it since, but he only ran one. I still have no idea why you would run any more than that.
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SUBJECT The shoreline LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Claire Favre - @miss_barra
SUBJECT Stormy LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Miriam Chaplyn
SUBJECT Morning crawl LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Fi Shep - @photogra_fi
SUBJECT Where's mine? LOCATION Maroubra PHOTOGRAPHER Lynne Wilson
SUBJECT That day LOCATION Gordons Bay PHOTOGRAPHER Brad Bessant - @10ftkaos
The Beast Magazine wants your local photos!
SUBJECT Public works LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Andrew Worssam
SUBJECT Glamorous LOCATION Tamarama PHOTOGRAPHER Miriam Chaplyn
SUBJECT Wilmotte will go LOCATION Clovelly PHOTOGRAPHER Franck Gazzola - @frothersgallery
SUBJECT Local enforcers LOCATION Clovelly PHOTOGRAPHER Janet Wood
SUBJECT Cliff plumes LOCATION Diamond Bay PHOTOGRAPHER Jakob de Zwart - @jakobdezwart
Please send them to email@example.com
My dream gig... would be playing with some of my great mentors past and present. If you come to see me play, you can expect... heart, musicality, rhythmic tapestry and oneness. There was one time back when I was starting out... with my first ever band, The Beefs (with Alex Lloyd), and we would put all our musical equipment in Woolies shopping trolleys to walk to our gigs in the neighbourhood of Balmain and play in bars. Under age we were... If I could have chosen one song to have written it would have to be... ‘Don't Stop ‘Til You Get Enough’ by Michael Jackson - a dance floor classic, super production and it made a bunch of money! My favourite song to perform would have to be... my latest creation to find its heart.
A class act.
DECLAN KELLY – HEART, MUSICALITY, ONENESS Words Daniel Hutton Picture Alex Lloyd
eclan Kelly was born in Sydney to an Irish father and a Maori mother. His mother was a singer and exposed Declan to the life of a musician from an early age, and he took to the drums and guitar, singing to come later in his life. Kelly grew up playing in bands around the Balmain area with musicians including Alex Lloyd, was headhunted by the Bondi Cigars after finishing school, and has gone on to release two solo albums, Tales from the Neighbourhood and Adrift. His most recent work is a collaborative effort on an awareness and fundraising album called Dieseln'Dub, a collection of reggae and dub versions of Midnight Oil songs featuring a stellar cast including Katie Noonan, Alex Lloyd, Emma Donovan and 72 The Beast | September 2016
Radical Son, proceeds of which go to the Indigenous Literacy Foundation. Kelly will be taking to the stage at the upcoming Eastside Global Rhythms Festival where he will present Dieseln'Dub live. The Beast caught up with him during the month… My first memory of music is… hearing ‘Mull of Kintyre’ by Wings at a family party when I was around the age of three. Growing up my parents listened to… an eclectic mix of music. My mother liked to listen to Stevie Wonder, Barbara Streisand, and some musicals like Chorus Line and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Dad was mad for anything that reminded him of home in Ireland.
The best thing about the local music scene is... the awesome community of musicians, who I consider family. One person I’d still really like to record with is... my little boy Otis, who has a beautiful voice and plays piano. My biggest fan has got be... my mum. I’ll know I have made it when... I'm still making music till my dying days. I’m looking forward to Eastside Global Rhythms because... it will showcase Sydney's vibrant musical and artistic community outside under Sydney skies. To find out more about Declan Kelly, go to www.declankelly. bandzoogle.com. For tickets and information about Eastside Global Rhythms, please visit www.globalrhythms.com.au.
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S OUR H G m NIN OPE 7am-4p ay pm nesd 7am-10 d e W ay-W e NS rday Sund ay-Satu t, Cooge .au sd om ee Thur eam Str @x74.c 222 r 2 fo 10 B mail: in e: 9665 .au E n .com pho Tele ww.X74 w September 2016 | The Beast 73
ALBUM #1 Artist The Avalanches Album Wildflower Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating This is a very curious album. 16 years in the making, you’d be forgiven for thinking it would either be brilliant or a clunky, overworked mess. It's definitely not a mess, but I'm not sure if it's brilliant… yet. I read that it's actually a concept album and if you listen to it in that context it certainly gives it a different gloss. But did the world want a concept album from the Avalanches? No. We just wanted a bunch of quirky pop songs to liven up the dance floor. There are a couple here at least – 'Frankie Sinatra' is great fun – so maybe that's enough. Could the story within be what keeps us listening for another 16 years?
ALBUM #2 MOVIE REVIEW Title The Carer Genre Comedy Drama Reviewer Linda Heller-Salvador Emmy Award-winning Scottish actor Brian Cox (Bourne Supremacy, Bourne Identity) is perfectly cast as Sir Michael Gifford, the cantankerous, wisecracking Shakespearian thespian who, due to his declining health from Parkinson’s disease, has recently retired to his manor in the English countryside. Sir Gifford’s strong-minded daughter Sophia (Emilia Fox) and his long-suffering chauffer Joseph (Karl Johnson) have made it their mission to acquire a carer for the ailing but stubborn actor. Unfortunately previous caregivers have not lasted the distance due to Sir Gifford’s uncooperative and grumpy manner - that is, until Dorottya (Coco König), a young Hungarian immigrant, is employed. In the beginning he openly antagonises her and they verbally spar until, through their mutual love of Shakespeare, they develop an unlikely friendship where attitudes are softened and valuable lessons are learnt. János Edelényi (Prima Primavera), who directed and also co-wrote The Carer along with Gilbert Adair (The Dreamers) and Tom Kinninmont, is not covering any new ground here. But with a deft mix of witty dialogue and - for the most part - strong performances, he has managed to explore challenging themes of aging, mortality and redemption to make a delightfully entertaining and amusingly poignant film. 74 The Beast | September 2016
Artist Michael Kiwanuka Album Love & Hate Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating If you had told me in January that Michael Kiwanuka would be a frontrunner for album of the year, I would have called you a giddy freak and demanded you cut back on the reefer. I would have been wrong, however (but you should probably still cut back). Produced by Danger Mouse, there is a healthy dollop of The Black Keys' later years here, with just enough of what I like to call 'dirty polish'; and no, I'm not being racist: note the lack of the capital letter. Blues-folk can be a bit hit and miss, but Kiwanuka has hit me so hard I'm a little dizzy, like I've done a twelve bar pub crawl.
ALBUM #3 Artist Stonefield Album As Above, So Below Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating I don't get a huge amount of pleasure from criticising a group of young women giving it a good crack, but I found this album boring as hell. The novelty has well and truly worn off. We all loved the sisters from rural Victoria who sounded like Led Zeppelin when they first came out, but now we need some new tricks. It's the harsh reality of the entertainment business. It's a circus and there are only so many times you can see a lion roar before you start demanding it read lines from Shakespeare. Are they the Hanson of prog-rock ('MMMBop', not Pauline)? I'm starting to think so.
ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Sue McArthur Instagram @bondiphoto FREDDY KRUEGER’S OTHER LIFE Robert Englund is one of the most recognised names and faces in horror. His portrayal of Freddy Krueger from the A Nightmare on Elm Street series has cemented him in horror history. He’s now starring in The Last Showing as a vengeful projectionist who traps a couple inside his multiplex cinema and manipulates them into becoming characters in a horror film. Luckily for us, Englund will be giving a special Q&A session after a screening of the film at the Ritz Cinema on September 14 at 7pm. Be there or be dead. For more information, please visit www.ritzcinema.com.au. RANDWICK ARTISTS FLAUNT WARES Randwick Art Society will be holding a spring sale of art and craft all through the month of September at Art and Coffee Café, 87 Bronte Road, Bondi Junction. On show will be original paintings by award winning artists and an array of crafts including soft toys, cards and jewellery. The sale begins
Not a soul in sight.
on Thursday, September 1 and ends on Friday, September 30. The café is open from 9am to 2pm daily, except on Sundays, when it is closed. SHIR MADNESS Do you love sweet tunes, supporting local artists, and mighty good times? Shir Madness Jewish Music Festival 2016 returns to the Bondi Pavilion on September 18 from 12 noon to 10pm, following its major success at Melbourne’s Jewish Music Festival last year. With over 40 acts on four stages, it’s a lineup to rival Splendour, just more Jewish. Dozens of local artists are on the bill, including Bronte’s Haze Trio and Emmanuel High School’s very own rock band, Before the King. Tickets are available now from www.shirmadness.com. HARMONY BAKE-OFF A cappella does not start and end at Pitch Perfect. Get some sweet mouth music into you and go see acclaimed singing group The Cleftomaniacs rock out their new show Harmony Bake-Off. They’re
fresh from their performances in The Events at the Belvoir Theatre, and together with special guests The Bridge on the River Choir, they promise an entertaining evening of pop, jazz and gospel styles, and audience participation. Show night is September 24 at 7:30pm at the South Sydney Uniting Church. Book tickets at www.trybooking.com/MFCL or buy them at the door. LIGHTS, CAMERA, ABILITY! Massive chops to local filmmaker Simon Woods, who is doing inspiring work to help remove the stigma around disability with his new short documentary, The Hands We Are Dealt. The doco follows the journey of Sydney-based artist Pete Conroy as he champions his art whilst dealing with the intense challenges faced by the paralysis he suffered after a surfing accident at Bondi Beach three years ago. The doco has been accepted into the international short film festival Focus on Ability. Go on, get behind it and give it a vote by visiting www.focusonability.com.au.
Taking Clovelly by storm.
SOMETHING VERY FAMILIAR ABOUT CLOVELLY’S NEW GORDONS CAFE Words Dining Dave Instagram @diningdave Picture Grant Brooks
lovelly’s newest corner café may only be three weeks old, but it’s not exactly new to the Eastern Suburbs. In fact, Bronte residents may do a double take upon entering Gordons when they see cheery Hannah Simmons behind the espresso machine or running around the café serving tables. Hannah was previously the owner of the much adored Café Salina in Bronte, but after selling up, she and the Salina crew made the transition to Clovelly for a fresh start. Located just a stone’s throw from the secluded, breathtaking Gordons Bay (which has obviously lent its name to the café), Gordons straddles the corner of Clovelly Road and Beach Street. The calm residential neighborhood that it’s 76 The Beast | September 2016
situated in lends itself to a relaxing Sunday lunch, like the one my better half and I recently enjoyed. Gordons is a large space encompassing two rooms, with the lower level drenched in sunlight due to its wrap-around windows. Hannah and her team designed the café themselves, opting for subtle shades of wood, white tiles with black borders and a bright yellow coffee machine. After bringing us a Single Origin Roasters coffee and a ‘power’ smoothie of mixed berries infused with chia seeds, Hannah proudly explained that her goal was to create a place that centered around the neighbourhood and served up seasonal, fresh food sourced from local purveyors, all at a very reasonable price.
The menu bears a number of similarities to the Café Salina menu, with a few of the old favourites making the transition south, including the awesome sweet corn fritters with bacon, two poached eggs, avocado, cherry tomato, coriander and lime salsa verde, which we couldn’t resist. The three stacked fritters of crispy corn topped with sizzling bacon and perfectly white eggs went beautifully with the in-house salsa. It’s clearly a standout dish. Following the fritter first course, the two mains we selected were the six-hour slow-cooked lamb salad with beets, pumpkin, quinoa, mixed leaves and mint yoghurt, and Gordons’ signature winter dish, the fish and prawn pie. Gordons does slow-cooking right. The lamb pieces were succulence squared, and the rest of the dish combined well, bringing out the rich flavours of the meat on top. The pie also hit the spot on a cool August afternoon. We tore open its perfectly baked golden crust and dug into the steaming barramundi and prawns with reckless abandon. Not too heavy, not too light, this pie is an absolute must. About two hours into our lazy afternoon lunch, we capped it off with a spongy slice of Hannah’s house-made banana and walnut bread (they also bake brownies, muffins and gluten-free nut slices) and a couple more fair-trade coffees. Gordons will be offering dinner around summertime, and if their lunch is any indication, I expect it to be just as busy at night as it is during the day. Clovelly just got very lucky. Gordons Cafe Address 353-355 Clovelly Road, Clovelly Phone (02) 9665 2342 Instagram @gordonscafe Email hannah@gordonscafe. com.au Open Brekky and lunch Prices $10 - $22 Cards Accepted All major Licensed/BYO Fully licensed
blog/a-guide-to-the-10-crus-ofbeaujolais. On the labels, you will generally see Beaujolais, Beaujolais-Villages, or the names of one of the Crus. A Fleurie wine may not say Beaujolais on the label, just Fleurie.
Sunset over the Beaujolais Valley.
A FEW THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT BEAUJOLAIS Words Alex Russell Instagram @ozwineguy Picture Frank O'File
f you know of Beaujolais, you might think of the floral labels of Georges Dubœuf in the rosé fridge at your local bottle-o. This may give the impression that they’re light, lively wines, not to be taken too seriously. Some are, but there are also some serious drops from the region. BEAUJOLAIS GRAPES The main grape is the red Gamay grape. Some Australian producers also make wines using Gamay, including Bass Phillip and De Bortoli. According to Karen MacNeil of the Wine Bible, “Drinking Gamay is like diving into a pool of black cherries.” It’s a lighter red; a bit lighter than Pinot Noir. Until 2015, the reds could also include some Pinot Noir. They can still include up to 15 per cent white grapes. White wines make up less than one per cent of production, mostly made of Chardonnay or, until 2024, Aligoté.
CLASSIFICATION Beaujolais comes in three levels: Beaujolais (the lowest classification, which can include grapes from any vineyards within the region), Beaujolais-Villages (the next level up, which excludes grapes from certain vineyards that are deemed to be lower quality) and the Cru wines. There are ten Crus (individual regions that are bottled separately). North to south these are St-Amour, Juliénas, Chénas, Moulin-a-Vent, Fleurie, Chiroubles, Morgon, Régnié, Brouilly, and Côte de Brouilly. The Crus have individual characteristics. Moulin-a-Vent is considered to be sturdy, due to tannins, and will live the longest. Fleurie (taken from the French word fleur, or flower) is noted to have a distinct floral note, such as violets. A good description of the Crus can be found at www.flatiron-wines.com/
NOUVEAU To complicate matters a little, there is also the ‘nouveau’ style. The idea behind the nouveau wines is that they are given only a short amount of time to ferment and are bottled early, so that they are fresh and zingy. These are meant to be drunk young and are often chilled – great for hot days. They are not designed to age. They are released on the third Thursday in November, and there used to be races amongst the producers to get the wines to various markets as quickly as possible, although that has died down a little. This classification only applies to the Beaujolais and BeaujolaisVillages level – the Crus are not released in the nouveau style. The label will say Beaujolais Nouveau or Beaujolais-Villages Nouveau. Some Australian producers are mimicking the nouveau style with some of their own wines. For example, Clonakilla now produces a Viognier Nouveau, which is a bright, fresh version of their more serious Viognier. Alex Head (Head Wines) also makes a nouveau style wine. WHERE TO BUY Most regular bottle shops will only carry one Beaujolais, if you’re lucky. Instead, try Neville at Eurocentric (www.eurocentricwine. com.au). He has a selection of nine Beaujolais producers, as well as a great selection of other drops. You can buy direct from his website. Keep an eye on Twitter (@WarnerVineyard) for new outlets in Sydney. At the time of printing, the wines are available at the Four in Hand Hotel and Oak Barrel, with more stockists to come. September 2016 | The Beast 77
slightly thinner as I find they catch the flavours a bit better, but go with what you feel most comfortable with to start and progress to thinner noodles as your confidence improves. If you want to make these earlier in the day, they’ll keep well in the fridge until you’re ready to cook them. 2. Heat the olive oil in a large frying pan over a medium heat, then add the prawns, garlic, lemon zest and chilli and cook, keeping everything moving around the pan until the prawns just start to change colour. 3. Add the zucchini noodles and toss well to combine. 4. Gently stir through the lemon juice, rocket, grated parmesan (if using), and a good pinch of salt and pepper. 5. Serve immediately.
Guaranteed to impress your date.
ZUCCHINI PASTA WITH PRAWNS, CHILLI AND LEMON Recipe and Image from Seasons to Share by Jacqueline Alwill
ucchini pasta, also known as zoodles or zuchetti, has become one of the best alternatives to wheat-based pasta due to the neutral flavour of the zucchini and its ability to hold its shape and soak up delicious flavours. There are plenty of tools around to make these zoodles, but you don’t need fancy equipment or skill of any sort to get started. Simply use a vegetable peeler to make long thin strips of zucchini, then either keep them wide or stack them and cut lengthways into thinner strips. This recipe is from the ‘Date Night’ menu in my book, Seasons to Share - it is so delicious and such an easy way to impress the hottie sitting across from you at your table. 78 The Beast | September 2016
INGREDIENTS Makes enough to serve two people 2 large zucchinis (courgettes) 3 tbsp olive oil 6 raw king prawns, peeled and deveined (tails left on) 1 garlic clove, finely chopped 1 tsp finely grated lemon zest 1 tsp finely chopped red bird's eye chilli (seeds removed if you don’t want the pasta too spicy) 2 tbsp lemon juice 1 small handful of rocket (arugula) 60g (2 oz) freshly grated parmesan cheese (optional) Sea salt and ground black pepper METHOD 1. To make the zucchini pasta, either use a spiraliser or follow the instructions in the introduction above. I prefer my noodles
Bondi local Jacqueline Alwill is a qualified, practicing nutritionist, personal trainer, whole foods cook and, most importantly, mother to Jet. She is committed to improving the health, wellbeing and happiness of all individuals. In her first cookbook, Seasons to Share, Jacqueline has brought together a delightful collection of beautiful seasonal wholefoods recipes for all occasions. Seasons to Share (Murdoch Books) is available now in all good bookstores and online.
A magical mix of delicious goodness.
PEAR AND BLUEBERRY CRUMBLE BARS Words and Picture Tamika Woods
hese gluten-free, vegan, refined sugar-free pear and blueberry crumble bars are a magical mix of sweet stewed fruits and crispy, zesty oats. They make use of seasonal fruits, so feel free to sub out the pears or blueberries for whatever you have an abundance of, or use frozen versions like I did with the blueberries. Note that these are ‘crumble’ bars, which means that they will crumble. If for some reason you don’t like getting covered with delicious blueberry mess, I suggest attacking with a plate and fork. INGREDIENTS Makes around 10 slices Fruit filling 700g fresh pears, cored and diced into 2cm cubes Juice of 1 lemon 1 tsp cinnamon 1 tbsp maple syrup 2 cups blueberries (fresh or frozen) 1 tbsp cornstarch mixed with 1/2 cup hot water Crumble 1/2 cup brown rice or buckwheat flour 1/2 cup almond meal 1/4 cup coconut sugar
1/2 cup desiccated coconut 1 cup rolled oats 1 tsp salt Zest of 1 lemon 3 tbsp tahini 1 tbsp maple syrup METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 180C (350F) and grease a medium square or rectangular tin. 2. Add diced pear, lemon juice, cinnamon and one tablespoon of maple syrup to a small saucepan over medium heat. Bring to the boil then reduce the heat, cover and simmer for around five minutes until the pear is just soft. 3. Add half of the cornstarch and water mixture to the pears and stir well for 2-3 minutes until thickened. Remove from the saucepan and set aside. 4. In the same pan, add blueberries and the remainder of the cornstarch mixture. Stir for a few minutes until jammy and thickened. Set aside while you make the crumble. 5. In a large bowl, add all crumble ingredients and use your hands to
rub together into crumbs. If the mixture is too dry, add one tablespoon of the cooked pears. 6. Press two-thirds of the crumble mixture into the base of the greased tin. Follow with a layer of the cooked pears, then blueberry mixture. Finally, crumble over the remaining crumble mixture and press down slightly. 7. Place in the oven for 20 minutes until golden on top, then allow to cool completely before slicing. 8. Slice into squares and enjoy. These are delicious with a little extra lemon zest grated on top and will keep in the fridge for up to five days. Tamika Woods is a Bondi-based Nutritional and Dietetic Medicine student and recipe maker. She is the founder of Sproutly Stories, a health food website designed to encourage spending more time in the kitchen. Her wholesome recipe ideas inspire others to enjoy real food that is conveniently healthy. For more guilt-free recipes, check out www.sproutlystories.com. September 2016 | The Beast 79
THE BEAST SUPERCROSS 1
ACROSS 1. Flag bearer for Australia at the 2016 Rio Olympics (4,6) 6. Hydroxide (2) 7. First person to represent Australia at the Olympics (5,5) 10. Spiked wheel (4) 11. Jamaican sprint superstar (5,4) 12. Picturesque Laotian tourist town, … Prabang (5) 13. Dais (6) 14. Finish line (8) 18. Colour or shade (3) 19. Legendary Equatoguinean swimmer’s nickname (4,3,3)
DOWN 1. Untouchable serve (3) 2. Australian neighbour and arch rival (3,7) 3. Country which gained independence from Serbia in 2006 (10) 4. Slam dunk off a lob pass in basketball (5,3) 5. 1992 USA Olympic basketball team (3,5,4) 8. Brief nap (3) 9. Centre circle in an archery target (8) 10. Cleats (5) 15. Abbreviated chest muscle (3) 16. German ‘I’ (3) 17. Draw (3) 18. Gwyneth Paltrow and Jack Black film, Shallow … (3)
TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Madeleine Gray Picture Benjamin Mattern 1.True or false: C.S. Lewis uttered the immortal words: “We read to know that we are not alone”? 2. Which artist has the most Top 40 Billboard hits? 3. In what year was the tiebreaker introduced in tennis? 4. Which well-known actress
Attention seeker. 80 The Beast | September 2016
played young Kaitlin Cooper in the first season of American teen drama The O.C.? 5. According to Donald Trump, which country should “pick up the tab for its own liberation”? 6. Which is the largest US state by area? 7. Who was the third man to walk
on the moon? 8. Does a kakapo have feathers, fur or fins? 9. Which member of the original Ghostbusters cast made a cameo in this years’ Ghostbusters remake? 10. Which Eastern Suburbs surf life saving club was the first to hold an AGM?
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SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 When you spot a unicorn walking down your street, try and be selective about who you tell - there are a lot of non-believers out there.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 Buy toilet paper before it runs out or you'll be spewing when you have to use makeup removal pads or a slice of bread to wipe your ringgit.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 22 Despite the initial frustration, a delayed flight will deliver a golden 'mile-high' opportunity with the hottie who is now seated next to you.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 20 Just because you've done something really shit doesn't make you a shit person. A shit person would feel no remorse whatsoever.
CAPRICORN DEC 23-JAN 20 If you're an aspiring Olympian and you actually want to win something, you must inject whatever your coach tells you to.
GEMINI MAY 21-JUN 21 Next time you hear someone spouting anti-vaccine nonsense, scream as loud as you can and punch them in the face until they're dead.
VIRGO AUG 24-SEP 23 Squeezing your rig into activewear and hanging out at a wholefoods store does make you any less of a disgusting creature.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Take precautions when leaving your house this month; there's a crazy disorientated magpie outside that wants to kill you.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 23 Don't get paranoid when your partner hides their phone from you; they're just trying to organise that gangy you always wanted.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 Even if they're a prick, don't ever f**k with your waiter or you'll wind up having a shit-smeared finger wiped on your bacon and eggs.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Hot bodies aren't the result of hard work. It's all genetic, so eat whatever the hell you like and worry about the things you can control.
LEO JUL 24-AUG 23 Using your tax return to pay back friends will make you feel much better than blowing it on bags of coke or a pet Bengal tiger.
STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell
TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. False. It’s a line from 1993 Lewis biopic, Shadowlands. 2. Elvis Presley 3. 1970 4. Shailene Woodley 5. Iraq 6. Alaska 7. Charles ‘Pete’ Conrad 8. Feathers 9. Bill Murray 10. Bronte SLSC 1
82 The Beast | September 2016
T H E
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