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The latest from Randwick City Council about living in this great city

Randwick News I want to say a big, heartfelt thank you to all the members of our community who are doing the right thing and staying at home during this pandemic. I know how challenging this is and what a huge disruption it is to our lifestyles, so I really value those of you who have made sacrifices in order to limit your movements outside the house. Your actions are saving our community. Life is currently not the same as it used to be. There’s no more hanging out at the beach with mates. Coffees or coastal walks with friends must be placed on pause. A good thought to hold on to, though, is that this is not the way it will always be. There will be an end to these changes. In the meantime, when you do leave the house for exercise remember that we have lots of space to share. Sometimes this may mean running or walking on quiet streets instead of the Coogee promenade. Fresh air and exercise are essential, and our staff are still out there maintaining green spaces, we just need to avoid creating large crowds or gatherings. We’re doing all of this for the very best reason there is – to look after others. If we can slow the community transmission of COVID-19 we will ensure that the elderly and those with compromised immune systems are protected and we’ll prevent our healthcare system from being over-run. We’re all in this together and we’ll get through it faster if we all commit to staying at home.

Council and COVID-19 We are working hard to provide essential Council services but there will be impacts to some events and activities. To find out the latest, please visit randwick.nsw.gov.au/ coronavirus


Council’s customer service centre located at 30 Frances Street, Randwick, is closed. However, we are still able to help online or via our call centre on 1300 722 542 during office hours (Monday to Friday 8.30am to 5pm, excluding public holidays).


We now have increased eResources available to members and we’re conducting a number of events live via Facebook.


We have two new Facebook groups to join. Shop local: Connecting Customers and Businesses in Randwick City supports our local businesses and Randwick Families: Ideas to Help You Survive and Thrive should get you through homeschooling and other challenges!


Please visit our website to find out the status of our beaches and ocean pools.


Outdoors gyms, basketball courts, playgrounds and skate parks are closed. One-on-one personal training can still happen outdoors so long as all social distancing guidelines are followed. Some tennis courts are currently operational, check our website for details.


There is no impact to waste collection services. As of Wednesday 15 April 2020, on call clean-up bookings will be limited to 50 customers per day. We apologise for any delays that you may experience.


The Randwick Recycling Centre will close on Saturdays, but remain open on weekdays from 6am to 3pm.

Councillor Danny Said Mayor of Randwick

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au


We’re here to help support you Randwick Council has a $2.3M Community Support Package, which is the first phase of a series of initiatives to assist our community. Find out more randwick.nsw.gov.au/coronavirus

Temporary parking permits for emergency hospital staff

Waiving fees for gyms to use Council parks

Waiving regulatory fees

Last Mag Standing Words James Hutton, Publisher Welcome to the May 2020 edition of The Beast, the only magazine left for Sydney’s locked down beaches of the east. All the rest have pulled up stumps, leaving this little publication alone in the wilderness. That probably sounds a bit dramatic, but having survived the onslaught of Facebook and Instagram, navigated our way through the GFC and endured extreme personal challenges, I can assure you, from a small business perspective, nothing compares to the current situation, in pure financial terms. Seeing the beach fenced off, people lined up for hundreds of metres at Centrelink and all the suffering around the world - even in our secluded nook - is both sad and confronting.

There have been plenty of positives though. Homedelivered booze has made things interesting, having time to read and learn new skills and being able to catch up with old friends, albeit on the blower. Time is so scarce so it’s nice to have some spare for a change. Apart from the Ruby Princess debacle and the failure to close our borders earlier, particularly to US arrivals, the response from all levels of government has been amazing - it had to be. Please stay positive and look out for each other. There’s a strange comfort in everyone being in this shitstorm together. Thank you to everyone who made this edition happen, you know who you are. Cheers, James

The Beast The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editor james@thebeast.com.au Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au Rates and Specs thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies are delivered every month; 56,500 are placed in mailboxes and 4,500 in local shops. PEFC Certified The Beast uses paper from sustainably managed forests. Letters to the Editor Please send your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au and include your name and the suburb you live in.

Help Keep Australia Safe Social distancing can help prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Do your part: Avoid public gatherings Stay home as much as possible Wash your hands often Visit Australia.gov.au for updates. Authorised by Dave Sharma MP. 100 William St, East Sydney, NSW, 2000.

287-289 New South Head Road Edgecliff NSW 2027 dave.sharma.mp@aph.gov.au 02) 9327 3988 6 The Beast May 2020

CONTENTS May 2 0 2 0 Issue 1 84

6 7 8 10 16 18 29 30

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Thumbs Local News Book Reviews Local Artist

32 33 34 35 36 37 38 40

Extreme measures, by Andrew Worssam.

Tide Chart Stiffy's Stories Unreliable Guide Satire Headnoise Sporting Life Marj's Musings Food Review

42 43 44 46 48 49 50 50

Dana's Recipe Random Words Business Guide Local Photos Album Reviews Brainteasers Beardy from Hell Solutions

The bloody Bingles.

Spare a Thought For Shaz Words Pearl Bullivant Photo Sam Bingle Pearl is always ready to assist those in need, offering advice and raising public awareness of issues that may not be deemed worthy or politically palatable by the mainstream press. Last month it was the Emu Exportdeprived FIFOs up in the northwest and this month’s crusade is for Sharon, the mother of Lara Bingle-Worthington, who has become a ‘victim’ of the COVID-19 compulsory quarantine. Lara’s mother is one of the lucky people able to return to Australia (probably via business class) from overseas during the pandemic. But ‘lucky’ is not Sharon, as she lies languishing in a Newtown hipster hotel posting masked bandit-style selfies of her digs, complaining that the food, bedding and towels generously provided by 8 The Beast May 2020

the New South Wales Department of Health are not up to 5-star scratch. Pearl has heeded Shaz’s call and, knowing that she hails from The Shire, I have used my contacts in the South Eastern Sydney Local Health District to ensure that her food and towels come direct from Sutherland Hospital and not from a lesser establishment like Blacktown. Satire aside, it’s not just the Sharons of this country who need a reality check. COVID-19 has brought out the very worst in the populace’s behaviour. If one moment in Australia’s history could have predicted our selfish response to the virus it would be the 2019 Westfield Parramatta Balloon Drop Stampede, a shameful event where hundreds of greedy stupid

people hustled over balloons containing as little as $5 in gift vouchers. At the time, New South Wales Ambulance Inspector Phil Templeman urged the community to “be patient to ensure the safety of themselves and others around them” as the ignorant, Christmas shoppingfuelled masses took to social media to criticise Westfield for failing to foresee an eminent disaster rather than taking responsibility themselves. Five months on from the balloon drop and the words of Mr Templeman are quickly forgotten. Australia is in the grip of a worldwide pandemic and our personal response is a zombie apocalyptic raid on every supermarket across the country and flash mobs on Bondi Beach. Those formerly ensconced in gyms malinger on the streets, unable to navigate social distancing rules - so familiar are they with jumping from their 4WD straight onto a walking machine. All the while, the Chinese government has quietly commandeered Australia’s supply of hand sanitiser and face masks under the neglectful eye of our evangelical, ‘the-marketwill-solve-everything’ federal government, which also failed to foresee an imminent disaster by being too slow to close the nation’s borders to a far more dangerous threat than refugees. As this all unfolds, the vultures of corporate Australia circle, waiting on a fire sale of public utilities once the virus abates, employing lobbyists to plead for a handout in the meantime. But back to Shazz. May she spare a thought for those affected by the closure of botox clinics. I suggest that she uses her quarantine time to lobby the prime minister on their behalf, channelling her outrage over her 2-star accommodation into a far worthier cause.

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The Beast's Monthly Mailbag Words The Wonderful People of the Eastern Suburbs NUNN THE WISER Dear James - Thank you for trying - you gave it a good shot - but, lo and behold, Dave Sharma was all over you and all over your pseudo hidden left-wing social and political agendas. While I applaud The Beast’s ability to lean ever so slightly to the centre by even interviewing him, the true applause belongs to Dave Sharma MP. What a classy act, not only in literature but also in person. In my view, he’s the new age modern politician; approachable, fair, realistic and, most importantly, working to represent the Australians in his electorate. Stephanie Nunn Bondi SHARMA'S INTERVIEW For Zak of Bondi to suggest that James Hutton’s questions to our federal member Dave Sharma in February’s edition of The Beast were inspired by ISIS and that Hutton is therefore somehow guilty of propagating “antiSemitic rants and raves” is both ludicrous and offensive. It would have been much weirder if he had conducted an extensive interview with Sharma without covering the Israel/ Palestine question, given that Sharma’s most high profile role to date was as Australia’s ambassador to Israel (and this obviously played a huge role in his being chosen to run for Wentworth).

10 The Beast May 2020

Israel clearly has a case to answer (one only has to Google “Disappearing Palestine” to glimpse the extent of Palestinian dispossession) and Hutton is to be commended for asking the hard questions (even if the answers were predictably anodyne and disappointing). Zak, take a deep breath and save your accusations of antiSemitism for those who really deserve it. Andrew Worssam Bondi NATIONAL CAMBASSADOR As an ex-Waverlian myself I couldn’t be prouder of our Scotty Cam, who managed to score an ambassadorial position when thousands of job-seekers are failing miserably at getting a job (Every Waverley College Student Guaranteed a Successful Career, The Beast, March 2020). Great to see Scott setting the right example too by participating in an open recruitment process to ensure the most qualified person was hired. Bonzo Randwick BONZA BUSES We are visitors from Manchester just coming to the end of a stay with family in Clovelly. We really enjoyed reading The Beast and will be taking it back home to England with us to show our family and friends.

Throughout the two months we have been here we have been using your wonderful buses to get around. We really appreciate their punctuality, frequency, cleanliness and good value and love the friendly atmosphere on board. We were prompted to write to you after seeing the stickers and other publicity about the possible privatisation of buses. Our buses are in private hands at present, though our mayor and many other citizens are trying to reverse this. The buses we have back home are dirty, infrequent, often late or cancelled and very expensive. It costs the equivalent of five dollars as a minimum fare, so of course people without a concession don’t use them and buses are used mainly by pensioners who travel for free with the cost reclaimed from their local authority. Things were not perfect before privatisation, but the fares went into providing frequent, reliable and affordable services which were regarded as a necessary part of the community infrastructure rather than as a money making opportunity. Now there are constant complaints and endless campaigns as services are reduced or eliminated entirely, with rural and suburban areas suffering most. After recent ‘changes’ (reductions) in our own local bus service it is now often impossible for us to attend an evening event in our city without having to shell out for a taxi. Please Sydneysiders, don’t follow our example! Jim and Pauline Howell Manchester PS. We love Sydney of course. This is our sixth visit! BIG BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT Dear Editor - I write in response to your article about ‘big’ business development in Macpherson Street, Bronte. Why would a Woolworths Metro be better than small businesses? Jon, the school teacher quoted in your recent article (Community vs Convenience? Locals Differ Over Woolies Plan, The Beast,



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May 2020 The Beast 11

April 2020), who may or may not live locally, could get a decent lunch at any one of six or more small businesses in the village. Also, there is a certain production line sameness about Woolworths. Variety is more interesting; it is vital that our village shops stay in business. These include two pharmacies, a butcher, two mixed businesses, a bakery and a greengrocer. They would be wiped out if the Woolworth Metro arrives. It is simply not needed in Bronte, and there is already a supermarket in nearby Charing Cross that has an enormous range. Parking is already a huge problem, and the thought of the delivery trucks makes the blood run cold, specially if you are a parent or childminder. Last but not least, the Bronte shops are an essential part of the village; they are community assets. Thanks to Mahmood Assad and the other local shopkeepers. They serve many people who use the bus, their bikes and their legs, and those who, when the ‘CVirus’ is dead and gone, will once again drink coffee and drink in our nice village atmosphere. We need to keep it this way. Jenny De Mole Bronte WOOLIES RANT Dear Beast - A Woolworths Metro will detract from our community. A Woolworths Metro is not a supermarket, it’s a food store and café, selling ready-made meals, newspapers and stationery, pharmacy items, flowers and more. Traffic and parking are major problems here in Bronte. Most days I see vehicles parked in one of the bus zones, parked across private driveways or even double parked. Just this morning a bus could not proceed along Macpherson Street, as a delivery van was parked in the bus zone. The traffic was banked back a couple of blocks. Woolworths does not belong in a neighbourhood centre. Julie Buchanan Voter, taxpayer, ratepayer, cook and bottle-washer Bronte

12 The Beast May 2020

THE BRONTE WOOLWORTHS The proposed Woolworths shop at Bronte should be rejected as it is part of a broader problem of road and foot traffic congestion across Waverley. When seen alongside other major traffic shocks such as Easts Leagues’ redevelopment of Waverley Bowling Club it becomes apparent that large corporates and government are wresting planning control from the local citizens and Waverley Council. For example, the Easts redevelopment, having been emphatically rejected at an AGM by local citizens, was only made possible the second time round because Easts did a deal with outside groups from beyond the council area (Woy Woy, for example) to vote for it. The local citizens were again decidedly against the Easts proposal but were outnumbered by the voting blocks from outside Waverley. The local people are mostly against the Woolworths proposal due to the compounding impact of it and other similar moves that increase congestion and diminish local identity, as well as reducing the safety of pedestrians. The proposal should be stopped or a local referendum held to decide the matter. The corporates and developers are taking over and destroying Bronte, and the Land and Environment Court is working with them. Citizens should oppose this unholy alliance before it is too late! Bruce Bronte WOOLWORTHS ADDS NOTHING Woolworths Metro will add nothing to our community! We are well serviced by both the Friendly Store, Bronte Convenience Store and QE Supermarkets. The larger Coles, Woolies and Aldi are only 15 minutes by bus or car. On most days, home delivery trucks are in our street (from Woolies and Coles). When I want a quick and nutritious lunch I get the Persian egg salad at Cali Press or one of the many delicious salads at The Char. A fresh bread roll from the Friendly

Store or Iggys and I am set. Dinner, if it’s a non-cooking night, is a delicious meal from The Char or Eugene’s. Pilgrims will be opening soon and I can say from recent experience at Cronulla that the food is fantastic! I was surprised that Jon, the teacher at a local school who was quoted in your article, does not go to any of the local shops. Let me just say Jon, you are missing out on really good food. There is nothing special about the snacks and pre-packaged salads from a Metro store. Neil Wilson Bronte GOOD WORK Dear James - Congratulations on the sterling job you are doing. The Beast is going from strength to strength and I look forward to its arrival into my letterbox each month. Your brother Dan would be proud of you. Keep going as we need The Beast more than ever in this time of isolation and uncertainty. Karen Harcourt Randwick BEACH CROWD FLOUTING SOCIAL DISTANCING To all the self-absorbed, entitled, selfish, heartless and witless individuals who decided to indulge themselves at the beach despite calls for social distancing: congratulations! You’ve now, in no small measure, accomplished the following things in your useless lives: 1. You’re highly likely to have contributed to the eventual placement of some people in an intensive care unit, and possibly to their death. But you wouldn’t care because you probably won’t know them. 2. You’ve expedited the New South Wales closure of nonessential services. 3. You’ve prematurely assisted in the unemployment of countless people due to these closures. But then again you would only care if it was you. So much for the supposedly socially sensitive individuals who

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are ever so self-congratulatory at their concern about political incorrectness and social exclusivity yet so insensitive to the critical well-being of others. Your past generations, who sacrificed comfort for the greater good, would be ashamed of your weakness and indifference. Marcus Juul North Bondi CONDOLENCES To Duncan Horscroft - On behalf of the Bondi Longboard Club, we are very sorry to hear of Bruce Hockey’s passing. He was a supporter of our club. Please pass on our condolences and best wishes to his family and friends. Jo-anne Secretary, Bondi Longboard Club CORONA AND PANIC BUYING Originally, I thought I would get a revolution and free love. Instead, I got the closure of Coogee Beach, a home office and the panic buying of toilet paper. What people stock up on is instructive. Australians buy sanitiser and toilet paper, Americans buy guns and the French buy red wine and condoms. When it comes to Corona and panic buying, one might follow the Terminator; Arnold Schwarzenegger recommends, “Wash your hands, stay home, and don’t believe the idiots,” who inspire panic buying. Thomas Red wine drinking inner-Coogee lefty COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS With the sections of the new CBD and South East Light Rail now open, the question remains: has it been a worthwhile project and a good use of taxpayers’ money? Since the 2012 announcement that a new light rail would be built, the project has been surrounded by controversy. Initially due for completion in March of last year, the first part was eventually opened in December 2019 and the final part was expected to open in March 2020, a full year late. Along with its seemingly endless delays, the project was hin-

14 The Beast May 2020

dered by a legal dispute between the state government and private contractor Acciona, resulting in a series of setbacks to construction and an eventual settlement of over $500 million. The legal issues of the construction only added to the series of other budgetary infringements that led to the total cost coming to $2.9 billion - almost double its $1.6 billion inital price tag. This sum of taxpayer money could have since been used in a variety of beneficial ways which could have had a positive impact on the local community and surrounding areas, as opposed to the ensuing negative effects of the light rail. Another concern is the impact it has had on the local community, in particular small business. With an estimated 700-750 parking spots in Randwick alone removed to make room for construction, the effects have been profound. In an attempt to correct the economic disruption, the state government has issued $45.3 million in compensation to 199 affected small businesses, but these efforts have not been able to prevent the numerous small business closures that have occurred. The environmental impacts of the project have been another significant concern since the announcement was made that, among other plans, a significant number of trees would be cut down along the Alison Road section of the route. The Moreton Bay figs that stood alongside Alison Road were over 100 years old and serve as only one example of the numerous detrimental impacts that the construction has had on the surrounding environment. Other examples of these crucial damages include a series of demolitions, removal of natural flora and fauna and the impacts of the construction through emissions and sound and vibration pollution. Finally, the necessity of the light rail itself has been frequently called into question, mainly due to the fact that a more extensive tram system that followed a similar route used to

exist, but it was removed in 1961. Additionally, the light rail has so far failed to keep up with the existing public transport options. According to one passenger, Josh, who took the light rail on its opening day, “It took around 75 minutes to get to Circular Quay.” He has also ridden the same Randwick to Circular Quay route since, saying that it took around an hour and that the bus only took 20-25 minutes. The Transport NSW website offers an estimation of “$3 billion in economic benefit for NSW”, meaning that if these expectations are met the project will barely clear the break-even point, at the cost of a number of small businesses, a myriad of environmental sacrifices, increased congestion and traffic interruptions over the last few years, and all that for a service that was not a necessity but rather a waste of valuable tax dollars which are so desperately needed in other areas, even more so now with the pandemic. The CBD and South East Light Rail has not been a worthwhile project. Fletcher Bronte A VOTE OF THANKS Dear Editor - Please publish this letter below as so many people give help selflessly behind the scenes and no one gives them credit for it. About six weeks ago I had a nasty fall in the car park entrance to Woolworths at Double Bay. I had fallen right onto my hip, and it transpired later that the femur was broken in three places. As I lay there, three ladies converged, offering help and water and orange juice. A Woolworths man in a yellow jacket helped to get me up while someone quickly brought a chair as I was unable to stand. Then along came a very kind man in a Hatzolah vehicle. These people are emergency responders, fully trained in dealing with accidents and emergencies. He checked me over, took my vital statistics and, best of all, reassured me as I was feeling very

shaky. He waited with me until the ambulance came and whisked me off to St Vincent’s Hospital. I had never come across these kind Samaritans before and would like to say thank you to him again for his time and patience. Margaret Double Bay A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES IN ILLAWONG AVENUE Dear Beast - I’m referring to the incredibly ugly building that is currently being ‘renovated’ in Tamarama. You know the one I mean, a real eyesore from every angle. I would love to know how long this absolutely criminal level of noise coming from this address is going to continue. This building should have been knocked down, in fact it should never have been built in the first place as it is the least aesthetic piece of architecture ever designed in the history of mankind. Subjectivity aside, the noise caused by excavating a canyon the size of a quarry for what I believe

will be an underground carpark, at a time when most people are now at home working or in selfisolation, is absolutely criminal! No one should have to put up with it. It is adding to an increasingly stressful time for everyone and should be put on hold until the time comes when we can return to some semblance of normality. I hope it falls and crumbles into the gully below, whilst managing to evacuate people in the vicinity beforehand. The Beast, is there some way of doing this that you know of? Linda Ray Tamarama RONNIE O'SULLIVAN - NOT James - If you’re going to malign someone, you could at least get your facts straight (Snookered, The Beast, April 2020). The image printed above your dubious caption is not Ronnie O’Sullivan. Please check your facts. Gavin Bondi

THE BEAST IS RIGHT (AND WRONG) A shout-out to the boys swimming the channel, but they are far too hench in the photo; The Beast is right - they need to pack on some lard. The channel is f*cking freezing, as anyone has who has suffered a ‘seaside’ holiday in the vicinity will testify. The chips at the kiosk are for rubbing on the tummy, not putting in it. The Beast is wrong - that’s the late lamented Alex Higgins and, as any fule no, snooker is definitely a sport - an objective scoring system for a test of skill and character. In fact it’s the dictionary definition. Gareth Davies Bellevue Hill Thanks for all of your letters again this month, I still love receiving them after all these years. The feedback is always interesting and it helps us to make the magazine better for everyone. Apologies for mixing up my snooker world champions ●

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May 2020 The Beast 15

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THUMBS UP CREATIVITY Check out Clovelly local Russell Tate’s cool COVID-19 posters that are available to download for free at russelltate.com. COOGEE BAY ROAD I reckon it should’ve stayed one-way but they’ve done a bloody excellent job with the iconic boulevard’s facelift. GOVERNMENT ACTION As much as you may loathe our prime minister, his government has listened to the experts and handled the Coronavirus pandemic incredibly well. RESILIENCE Witnessing the way local business owners have fought their way through this shit time is nothing short of inspiring. HOME-DELIVERED BOOZE I got pissed at home by myself for the first time in my life last night and it was a marvellous experience.

THUMBS DOWN CONSPIRACY THEORISTS You’ll tend to find a very high correlation between people who think Coronavirus is man-made and those who think the Earth is flat. 16 The Beast May 2020

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Strange times indeed.

COVID-19 Closeout Words and Photo Luke Kennedy It was a tipping point in the Australian response to the COVID-19 crisis - March 20, 2020. Maybe it will be remembered as ‘COVID Friday’ in years to come. Social distancing and self-isolating measures had been introduced but not necessarily enforced. Sydneysiders had spent their first week locked indoors and, as the Friday afternoon temperatures soared into the 30s, it proved too much and the crowds from near and far flocked to the Eastern Beaches. While there’s no denying that too many people did the wrong thing that day, most regular surfers and swimmers from the east got their salt water fix and headed home. It wasn’t long before the mainstream media were all over it, dispersing images of crowded Bondi around the country and the globe. In a time of crisis there’s nothing the press loves more than a whipping boy, someone to point the finger at and blame - who better to demonise than those stuckup Bondi yuppies and foreign backpackers? And, as the media hoped, the headlines and imagery ‘went viral’. Meanwhile, the New South Wales government and police force struck upon the moment as an opportunity to make a point.

18 The Beast May 2020

The next day, the police minister, David Elliot, led a press conference outside the Bondi Pavilion and announced they would be shutting the beach. Prohibiting access to Australia’s most iconic strip of sand was always going to get wide-sweeping attention and sent a clear message to everyone in the state that the authorities wouldn’t tolerate anyone flouting the rules. It was an effective, hardline initiative, but there’s also no doubt that Bondi was being used as a political pawn. A temporary closure of beaches - a proverbial slap on the wrist - would have made sense. However, by Sunday afternoon, surfers and swimmers were forced to jump fences at Tamarama and Bronte to get in the water and from there on the restrictions were steadily ramped up. In days to come, others fled to Maroubra and Coogee and ultimately contributed to the closure of beaches in Randwick. It wasn’t long before rangers and police lurked on the water’s edge at Mackenzies Bay (where there seemed to be a possible loophole as it wasn’t technically a beach), threatening heavy fines and inspiring more than one mad dash up the rocks. Others adopted the Mexican standoff approach, staying in the water

until police or rangers disappeared. Suddenly, a normal, healthy behaviour had become a criminal activity and many felt that an unfair double standard was being applied to surfers in particular - those exercising on the coastal path and the promenade seemed to be far closer to a violation of the guidelines. Didn’t surfing, ocean swimming or soft sand running qualify as legitimate exercise? One surfer, a local lawyer, told me he was chomping at the bit to defend someone in court. At the time of writing, most other beaches, including Cronulla, in New South Wales remain open, with respective councils adopting a beach management model. A local group has now begun circulating a petition, which calls for Randwick and Waverley Councils to adopt similar, common sense procedures. The group’s spokesperson, Mic Gruchy, commented, “My friends and I who surf the Eastern Suburbs beaches are being unfairly denied access to the ocean and I wanted to do something practical, legal and rational about it before things get out of control. If the police and council lifeguards are on the beach there’s no reason why they can’t manage safe, socially distanced access to the surf.” Waverley and Randwick are two of the highest density coastal councils in Australia. Opening beaches while coronavirus still permeates our lives will require coordination between police, lifeguards and rangers. That doesn’t mean it’s not socially desirable and achievable. As temperatures drop, the likelihood of another fair-weather stampede is far less likely. Meanwhile, talk of a six-month extension of the current restrictions looms ominously. As the so-called curve flattens, it’s time to put a sensible plan into place for the Eastern Beaches. The virus poses a threat but this must be weighed against the fact that the physical and mental wellbeing of so many locals hinges on a regular visit to Dr Pacific.

Mayor’s Message I would like to start by thanking the Waverley community for their acts of kindness during these unprecedented times and their overall civil and compliant behaviour. The decision to close our beaches was one Council did not take lightly, and I ask that the community continue to respect our Lifeguards and Council Rangers who are helping keep our community safe. Our beach closures apply to everyone especially as people continue to die as a result of this pandemic and businesses are closing. At time of writing, there were over 100 cases of COVID-19 in the Waverley LGA and no one is immune to this virus. As there will be more cases reported in Waverley, I ask that we all pull together and set an example for our children and for our community. We all have a role to play to flatten this global pandemic. With regards to small business, we have recently announced a $1 million per month small business relief package aimed at helping all small businesses, including those in the retail and hospitality industries, that have been impacted significantly by the COVID-19 pandemic restrictions. The package includes a raft of measures including relaxed conditions of consent for permits, fee waivers and commercial rent support. It is a long list of measures, so I encourage local businesses to visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au or contact our dedicated Waverley

All beaches are closed until further notice. Council business response team at business@waverley. nsw.gov.au, for more information. In addition to the above measures, Council has agreed to contract the Bondi & District Chamber of Commerce to provide consulting and advisory services to help with our planning for medium and long-term relief measures once pandemic restrictions have eased or ended. For more, contact the Chamber at info@bondichamber.com.au At time of writing, Council was investigating a range of financial relief measures to support residents during these difficult times. Significantly, we are reviewing whether our current policy for the deferral of payment of Rates under a hardship provision can be amended to be more relevant to the

circumstances in which many residents now find themselves. These are constantly evolving times and we will continue to update the community about our responses to COVID-19 via our website and other channels including Precincts, social media, outdoor signage. By working together, we can help control this pandemic. At the time of writing, Police now have the powers to issue $5,000 on-the-spot fines to businesses and $1,000 fines for residents who fail to comply with national social distancing guidelines, so please do the right thing. For the latest NSW Health information about COVID-19, visit health.nsw.gov.au/ coronavirus Paula Masselos, Mayor of Waverley

Ph: 9083 8000 | waverley.nsw.gov.au | Stay in touch: waverley.nsw.gov.au/subscribe Updates for Coronavirus COVID-19: waverley.nsw.gov.au/coronavirus

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Bondi through and through.

Bondi Guardians by Terry Jenkings Bondi's Lesser Known Story Words and Photo Olivia Katz Bondi is commonly known around the world for being Sydney’s most famous beach. It’s big blue skies, clear turquoise water and welcoming warm sand filled with bikini clad girls and sun-kissed surfers draws millions of tourists every year to its shore. Less people know about the history of Bondi and its original inhabitants, their deep connection to the water and commitment to its safekeeping. It’s the old Bondi tribe, the people who have been around for generations, who remain the gatekeepers to Bondi’s rich history, a history which has regarded this beach as sacred and worthy of the utmost care and respect. As custodians of this land they have passed the torch of stewardship on to the next wave of beach lovers through a system of mentorship that is woven into the fabric of life here. 20 The Beast May 2020

Terry Jenkings is a third generation Bondi local. His grandparents moved to Bondi from Glebe in 1914 in the pursuit of a life filled with “healthy salt air” and they never left. Terry’s three uncles and father were all born and raised in Bondi. Terry’s son (now the fourth generation) still lives in Bondi. Mr Jenkings lights up when he speaks about Bondi, his pride and adoration for his hometown and its people is palpable. A deep love and reverence for this part of the world has guided his life since he was a little boy. Recognising that Bondi’s reputation as a famous beach town only told a small part of its story, Mr Jenkings wanted to share its lesser known, quieter, perhaps more profound history with the world. He has created two documentaries on Bondi and his most recent instalment, Bondi Guardians,

is out now and streaming on National Geographic’s lifestyle channel. I met up with Mr Jenkings over coffee at the Bondi Pavilion to hear some of his tales and find out more about the inspiration for his latest documentary. “Having been brought up in Bondi, I’ve seen a lot of what made this place famous,” Mr Jenkings told The Beast. “What people often do is come here, and they have never heard about the champions, heroes and legends who come from this place. They think that Bondi will give them something. That’s not what it’s about. You embrace Bondi and then you give back,” he explained. “The Gadigal people saw Bondi as a place of gathering, meeting, mentoring, teaching and festivity. They adopted what they called the spiritual connection with the ocean and the marine life and they found energy in this place. They also worked on the basis that when you were in Bondi you left nothing here but your footprints. They considered themselves not owners but custodians who passed on this ideology to the next generation.” “We, the Bondi people, people like myself, and the tribes that are involved here, that’s exactly how we feel. The Bondi people - the original Gadigal people - were considered the saltwater people, and that was passed over to us. They were people who embraced everything that was offered. They didn’t want to change Bondi, they wanted to preserve it.” There’s an old saying, ‘Those who drink the water should never forget those who dug the well.’ For anyone wanting to learn more about Bondi’s history and the special nature of its people, Bondi Guardians is the documentary to see.

Get in touch with Council during the Coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic In consideration of current advice regarding social distancing and limiting non-essential trips, we recommend contacting us via our online channels: Register to Waverley Weekly enews: waverley.nsw.gov.au/enews Make online payments at waverley.nsw.gov.au/payments Download the Snap Send Solve app from the App Store or Google Play to report an issue to Council @WhatsOnWaverley @WaverleyCouncil View and contribute to our Consultation Projects: haveyoursay.waverley.nsw.gov.au

We have set up a dedicated page waverley.nsw.gov.au/coronavirus for up-to-date Council news relating to the coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic. If you, or someone you know, is not able to connect with us via these methods, please contact us on 9083 8000, email info@waverley.nsw.gov.au or write to us: The General Manager, Waverley Council, PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 being sure to reference: The Communications and Engagement team, and we will work to make items accessible to you.

Bits and Pieces from Around the Beaches Words Nicola Smith Photo Melody Mahoney Instagram @melody_ann_photo CHANNEL SWIM UPDATE Last month’s cover stars Luke Stewart and Quinn Darragh are still training hard for their English Channel swim in September this year. The Channel Swimming Association that oversees all the channel swims is monitoring the situation and will let the boys know two months in advance whether or not it can go ahead. They’re currently knocking out 5 kilometres every morning at Clovelly and 15 kilometres every weekend. There will definitely be a charity swim of some form later this year, but it may have to be held locally. As soon as this bloody lockdown is lifted they’ll be straight over there to dominate the channel. FOREVER JOHNNO Due to the pandemic, the annual Forever Johnno fundraiser scheduled for May 29 has been postponed. Organiser Mal Ward informed us that a new date will be announced as soon the pubs reopen, hopefully by September, but who knows. This is the 20-year anniversary of the fundraiser and also Johnno’s 21st birthday year. Shortly after his birth, Johnno was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that affects the liver. He received a lifesaving liver transplant at twenty months of age, which gave him a

Pre-corona Coogee.

good quality of life for six years. Johnno required a second transplant when he was eight but it was ultimately unsuccessful. He passed away on August 29, 2008. All funds raised on the night go to the Clancy Ward at Westmead where Johnno received his care. DEFENDING THE SCRUB The volunteer bushcare group in Centennial Parklands celebrates 15 years of caring for the Eastern Suburbs banksia scrub this year. This unique bushland once covered most of the Eastern Suburbs but has had less space to grow and less access to the vital fire it needs to regenerate and survive as the land was converted to residential use. Only 3.3 hectares remain in various pockets around the park, but it’s very well looked after. CHEWY ON YA BOOT Ever asked yourself what chewing gum is made of? The not-so-sweet truth is that most mainstream gums are made from plastic. Unimpressed and unable to find an alternative, Randwick resident and avid gum chewer Alec Longair set about developing a solution. Twelve months on and Swell Gum was ready to chew. Made traditionally by mixing a tree sap called chicle with 100 per cent natural

ingredients, Swell is Australia’s first biodegradable gum to also have biodegradable packaging - a guilt-free chewy shaking up the gum game. It’s currently available at Go Vita, Wholefoods House and at swell-gum.com. THE BEAST COVER PRINTS High quality prints of this edition’s iconic cover image by Bondi artist Harrison Murdoch are now available to purchase. They will be printed on A3 and A2 art paper and will come signed by the artist for $99 and $199 each. To place your order, please email james@thebeast.com.au. FIJIAN DOMINANCE Fiji was the proud winner of Educating the Future’s inaugural Touch World Cup at Easts Rugby Club last month. With twenty energetic teams of students and adults, 260 touch football players hit the synthetic deck in search of world supremacy, while supporting the organisation’s ongoing goal for educational equality. 200 spectators stood in support of their peers, watching on as the day built to a suspenseful grand final that went into overtime. A staggering $12,000 was raised on the day. To follow Educating the Future’s initiatives, please visit their Facebook page.

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May 2020 The Beast 23

Australia's greatest butcher.

No Bones About it, Bonnie is the Best Words Duncan Horscroft Photo Chuck Steak Hard work has paid off for local butcher Bonnie Ewan after she took out the prestigious National Apprentice of the Year award at a gruelling five-day competition at Terrigal last month. She beat six other state finalists during the program which included theory, practical assessment and a high pressure “Mystery Box” challenge which was held at the Australian Meat Industry Council. “The top six finalists consisted of four men and two women (and) with all of us having a State Title under our belts, I knew I was really going up against the best,” Bonnie told The Beast. 24 The Beast May 2020

“I worked for weeks practising and brainstorming my Mystery Box ideas. I mainly focused on heavy preparation and studying, constantly searching for new ways to modernise the classics.” And that practise was certainly worth the effort with Bonnie finishing first in every category to convincingly win the title by more than 80 points. Bonnie said that aside from competition there was a full schedule of activities, which included in-depth masterclasses, butcher shop tours, work experience throughout Sydney stores and a gala dinner after the final.

“The National Finals is something I will always cherish,” she said. “I made an amazing group of friends and acquired great new skills to help me further my career. “I feel so lucky to have met such a fun and like-minded group of young butchers, the whole experience was fantastic. I highly encourage any young apprentice to enter their state competition, you never know just where it can take you.” As a qualified butcher, Bonnie knows she is now in the big league and will have to compete against the country’s best professionals in future competitions. As a butcher at Lucas Meats in Macpherson Street, Bronte, Bonnie said she has enjoyed the full support of the other staff, who played a major role in helping her win the 2019 Australian Meat Industry Apprentice of the Year for New South Wales. “All of the staff and my TAFE teacher John have invested many years of hard training to get me to the level that I am today and I can gladly say my skills are a reflection of them,” Bonnie said. “Holding the 2020 title for the National Apprentice Butcher of the Year is an amazing accomplishment. I couldn't be happier to get that recognition and it was well worth all the hard work.” Bonnie’s next goal was to be the National Butchers Challenge, which was scheduled to be held at the Royal Easter Show, but she will have to wait until next year to have a shot at that title. But for now she is happy just to have a rest after being in the competition arena for the past two years, both in butchery and her other passion, special effects make-up, for which she has also received recognition.

Anyone need a new set of mags?

How to Have an Abandoned Vehicle Removed Legally (and Illegally) Words Nicola Smith Photo Peter Brock Anyone who has attempted to park in the Bronte Cutting or the streets of Bondi and Coogee over summer will be aware that a parking spot in our local area is a rare and beautiful thing. The combination of high-density living, two-car families and homes without off-street parking has severely limited availability throughout the Eastern Beaches. For many residents it is a choice between giving up the front yard to make way for a car spot or participating in a daily act of guerrilla warfare to secure parking in their street. Peter from Coogee told The Beast that parking with time limits in high demand areas adds to the frustration. “Parking is difficult,” Peter explained. “I’m a resident but I can’t get a parking permit, so I can find a spot but it’s limited.” Another Coogee resident, Joanne, finds getting a park near her home almost impossible. “At this time of year it’s not as bad, but in summer and in the evenings it’s really hard to find a park,” she explained. With parking at such a high premium, cars that have been abandoned in residential streets 26 The Beast May 2020

are just one more pressure on valuable parking real estate. Currently, residents can report a dumped vehicle to the New South Wales Police, Roads and Maritime Services or to their local council. Waverley, Randwick and Woollahra councils all have similar procedures for reporting abandoned vehicles on their websites, including some conditions that could prevent their removal. A ‘frequenly asked questions’ page on Randwick Council’s website states the following: “Before Council can tow a vehicle, a thorough investigation needs to take place to ensure the vehicle is actually disowned. Once a vehicle is reported as abandoned, Council waits for a period of 28 days before investigating. If the car is still there, Council will gather information such as registration, make and model of the car. Council will also place a sticker on the vehicle to alert the owner that the vehicle is under investigation. Council will contact the last registered owner of the vehicle. If no reply is received from the owner, and a significant amount of time

has passed, the vehicle may be towed. It will be taken to our nominated auction house where it’s kept for a period of at least 35 days before it is sold through auction.” Joanne followed this process and successfully had abandoned vehicles removed from her street. “I’ve reported two cars dumped on our street and they’re both gone now,” Joanne told The Beast. “One had clothes and bags in it, like someone had left the country and just dumped it there.” However, many local residents have still been finding it difficult to have a dumped vehicle removed. Peter has found that dumped cars do tend to stick around. Residents in nearby Clovelly say that cars reported to the council multiple times have stayed around for more than a year in some cases. As frustrating as the practice is, in some cases it may not be possible to have an abandoned vehicle removed at all. Complexities surrounding the removal of someone else’s legal property make it difficult to have them relocated. One of the flaws in the removal process arises when the abandoned vehicle’s owner replies to the council’s initial phone call or removes the sticker from their vehicle. If this is the case then the council can’t legally tow the vehicle, which is the situation with a blue Commodore that has been rotting on Thorpe Street, Clovelly, for well over a year now. Where legal process fails, however, alternative tactics should do the trick. A couple of pineapples in the back pocket of your local tow truck driver* may still be the fastest way to win your parking spot back from the junk-filled bomb at the end of your street. *This is illegal.

Celebrate World Environment Day FRIDAY JUNE 5

Join us on Friday 5 June to celebrate the biggest day for positive environmental action. World Environment Day offers an opportunity to reflect on accomplishments and collectively build a sustainable world. Head to our website to find out how you can help at home.

randwick.nsw.gov.au/ getinvolved

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Putting things into perspective.

It’s Still Okay to Smile Words Dave Rogers Photo Mark Taylor “Why did I even buy a 2020 planner!?” After all, everything’s cancelled. And everything’s changing, almost every day, in every corner of the world. Birthdays, weddings, festivals, footy, jobs, futures. I can’t even take my kids for a splash at Clovelly Beach anymore. It’s unsettling to see how swiftly our amazing, modern world has been brought to its knees by a virus. But just imagine how disturbing life in Lombardy or New York is right now, with the death count now exceeding 9/11, not to mention the disaster awaiting some Third World countries. And somewhere between upskilling on year 5 maths for homeschool and another Netflix binge, most of us are trying to make sense of coronavirus and mass unemployment and waking up each day to some sort of bad dream. Some voices will try to tell you that it’s God sending judgement for playing footy on Good Friday or on corporate greed (although Jesus never quite joins those dots). Other voices will argue that it’s hard to 28 The Beast May 2020

believe in God in a coronavirus world (although believers of all stripes have written deeply on the problem of pain for millennia, and honestly, the “problem of suffering” is a problem for everyone). And there’s the voices saying that COVID-19 is nature’s wake-up call to modern complacency (maybe, but that assumes that ‘nature’ has some grand purpose). What we do know, for one, is that the pandemic has shattered the illusion of our control over our lives and our world. All the money and power in the world can’t shield you from coronavirus - just ask Pink or Prince Charles. After watching her three-year-old son suffering from COVID-19, Pink said, “There have been many nights where I cried, and I have never prayed more in my life.” This is beyond us and it’s so disconcerting and humbling and overwhelming. For some, life has slowed down and that other epidemic - of loneliness - has been exacerbated. For others, life is busier than ever readying our hospitals or treating patients or teaching students or pivoting businesses

(a special shout out to all our health workers and teachers). And there’s another thing that we can know, or maybe we’re quickly re-learning in a late-night-cramming-session kind of way, and that’s the fact that we need each other. The modern, secular, individualist, Disney mantra, “Be true to yourself and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” doesn’t cut it anymore. It might be ‘my beach’ but this is a moment to sacrifice our freedoms and to bear the inconvenience for the sake of others and especially those most vulnerable. Just as well it’s Easter time, then, because Easter offers us the resources to do what we know we should do but find so hard to do. The Christian take on Easter says that the Son of God gave up not only his freedom but his life, to save the lot of us. And when it says that Jesus rose again, it’s telling us there is a hope that’s stronger even than death. Maybe you doubt that could ever be true, but don’t you at least wish it was true? It’s helped me and it’s helped millions to choose sacrifice over self - like the villagers of Eyam infected with the bubonic plague, who quarantined themselves to die in order to save northern England. This year is one we’ll never forget. Here’s hoping the memories that stick are all the ways we loved our neighbours by sacrificing our freedoms. And just remember, when you’re avoiding that stranger on the footpath, it’s still okay to smile. Dave is the Minister of St Luke’s Anglican Church, Clovelly (clovelly.org.au). The Beast invited Dave to share his thoughts on the current situation.

Eyes To The Horizon

The Gap

Dark Emu


Random House Australia

Magabala Books



After his marriage falls over, Ben leaves his comfortable corporate life behind and embarks on a booze and drug-fuelled voyage of self-discovery across the globe. Chasing waves and women, and meeting various interesting characters along the way, the path to a more fulfilling life eventually becomes clear, but questionable decision-making and poor male behaviour keep it just beyond reach.

This riveting memoir provides a vivid portrait of a paramedic’s lead-up to Christmas, an unflinching look at what happens after the triple-zero call is made - the drugs, nightclubs, brothels, drunk rich kids, billionaires, domestic disputes, the elderly, emergency births and even a kidnapping. Patients share their innermost feelings and we witness their loneliness, their despair and their hopes.

BRUCE PASCOE Dark Emu puts forward an argument for a reconsideration of the hunter-gatherer tag for pre-colonial Aboriginal Australians. The records and diaries of early Australian explorers are used to provide compelling evidence that Aboriginal people right across the continent were utilising domesticated plants, sowing, harvesting and irrigating - behaviours inconsistent with the hunter-gatherer tag.

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May 2020 The Beast 29

Who are your artistic inspirations? My artistic inspirations would be Keith Haring, Picasso, Reg Mombassa, Andy Warhol and Jean-Michel Basquiat. There are many more but those artists have definitely inspired me to make art. What are you working on at the moment? I’ve been focusing on trying to make as much art as I can, as often as possible, to develop my style. I’ve been putting my art on pants and sneakers and I’m keen to explore putting my art on more apparel. I’m also interested in animation, so I’ve got some animation projects in the works too. I would really love to be a part of more collaborative projects with other like-minded artists.

Looking fresh before lockdown.

Local Artist... Harrison Murdoch from Bondi Interview James Hutton Photo Lucy Boden Introducing Bondi’s Harrison Murdoch, a talented young artist and the mastermind of this month’s cover illustration...

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Without question it’s the beaches, especially Mackenzies Bay.

How long have you lived here? I moved up from Melbourne when I was 8, so 13 years now.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? There are too many people these days and way too many surfers!

Why do you live here? I have travelled throughout Europe and other parts of the world and this little pocket of the globe is hard to beat. What's your favourite eatery? I definitely cannot go past Ichiban Boshi’s chicken karaage ramen. So succulent. Where do you like to have a drink? Locally, I would have to say The Royal, Bondi Hotel or Beach Road Hotel. The Royal used to be my favourite but has definitely changed a lot in the past year. 30 The Beast May 2020

Can you describe your art? I’d describe it as funky and fun. I take care in clean line work and love playing around with vibrant colouring. I try to express a certain playfulness in my work that my audience can interact with. Where can people see your work? I’m on Instagram at @harrymurdickart. I’m in the process of building a website, which will be another platform people can view my art through. I’m also super keen to get into painting more murals and putting my art on larger spaces.

Do you have any exhibitions coming up? Not right now, of course. RAW Artists Australia reached out to me last year and exhibited some of my work, which was a great experience. I’m looking forward to being a part of more shows. I would also love to do a solo show some time in the future. When did you discover you had a gift for your craft? I have really loved drawing ever since I can remember. I feel drawing has been more or less the only consistent thing in my life since I was a little kid that I never get over. If anything it only gets more exciting. Any other up-and-coming local artists to look out for? My mate Dash O’Brien-Georgeson (@ dash_og) is super talented and has some great content. He has both a design and art account. He’s one to look out for. Where are you studying? I’m in my second year of a Bachelor of Fine Arts at The National Art School, Darlinghurst.

Any words of wisdom for young aspiring artists? That’s a tough question for a 21-year-old to answer, but I would say follow your passion and work hard to develop your own unique style.

other creative people. The idea of producing great work and connecting with other creatives motivates me to work hard and strive to make my mark in the art and design world.

What music are you into at the moment? Benee, Groove Armada and The Brungas, an up-and-coming Melbourne band. I’m also loving The Cure, The Smiths and Mazzy Star.

What do you get up to on the weekends? I’ve been making art as much as possible, seeing friends and hanging with my girlfriend, Lucy. I love spending time in the uni library and taking inspiration from the diverse range of artists who came before me. I enjoy keeping up to date with other artists that I follow on social media, trying to gain as much knowledge and inspiration as I can. I love skateboarding, surfing, Jiu-Jitsu, podcasts and keeping healthy.

Who is your favourite person? I am very fortunate to have a lot of really great people in my life, but Mum has to take the cake. Love you Mum xoxo. What do you do for work? I work in after school care, as well as at Ravesis. Due to the coronavirus I’m currently out of work, as many of us are. I am really passionate about art and would love to travel the world, meeting and working with

Do you have a favourite quote? My favourite quote is from Chris McCandless, who Into the Wild was based on. He wrote in his journal after eating deadly

berries in the wilderness of Alaska, after being away from society and human contact for months, “Happiness is only real when shared.” This quote, among others from his journal, is very powerful given the circumstances he was in. Christopher’s body was later found, along with his journal, in an abandoned school bus. If you haven’t already seen this film I highly recommend you do. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Call your mother! High quality prints of this edition’s cover image are now available to purchase. They will be available in A3 and A2 sizes and will come signed by the artist for $99 and $199 respectively. To place your order, email james@thebeast.com.au.

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May 2020 Tide Chart Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Photo Kim Kench Monday




• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter



1 0155 0857 1508 2038

1.63 0.56 1.29 0.78

2 0306 0959 1614 2154

1.65 0.50 1.39 0.71

3 0414 1.71 1053 0.42 1710 1.52 2300 0.60

9 0342 0944 1528 2156

0.28 1.56 0.48 2.00

10 0436 1038 1614 2245

0.32 1.46 0.57 1.94

17 0423 1053 1715 2312

1.49 0.60 1.45 0.77

6 0058 0702 1315 1934

0.38 1.78 0.30 1.91

7 0153 0756 1359 2021

0.30 1.74 0.33 1.98

8 0247 0849 1443 2109

0.27 1.66 0.39 2.02

12 0630 0.47 1230 1.30 1752 0.76

13 0025 0730 1331 1849

1.73 0.55 1.26 0.83

14 0122 0828 1436 1956

1.62 0.60 1.26 0.86

15 0224 0921 1537 2106

1.54 0.62 1.30 0.86

16 0327 1010 1630 2214

1.50 0.62 1.37 0.83

18 0513 1.49 1131 0.57 1755 1.53

19 0001 0557 1207 1830

0.70 1.49 0.55 1.61

20 0045 0637 1241 1905

0.63 1.49 0.54 1.68

21 0125 0.57 0717 1.48 1313 0.55 1938 1.75

22 0203 0756 1345 2012

0.53 1.46 0.56 1.80

23 0242 0836 1418 2047

0.49 1.44 0.58 1.84

25 0403 1001 1533 2205

26 0448 1048 1616 2249

0.49 1.34 0.68 1.82

27 0538 1139 1705 2337

0.50 1.32 0.72 1.78

28 0632 0.51 1236 1.31 1802 0.75

29 0031 0730 1339 1907

1.73 0.51 1.33 0.76

30 0133 0830 1444 2020

1.70 0.49 1.39 0.75

4 0514 1.76 1143 0.35 1800 1.66

5 0000 0609 1230 1847

11 0532 1133 1700 2333

0.39 1.37 0.67 1.84

0.47 1.38 0.64 1.84

Quick dips.

0.48 1.79 0.31 1.79


24 0321 0.47 0917 1.41 1455 0.60 2125 1.85

31 0240 0925 1545 2134

1.67 0.46 1.48 0.69

I miss summer.

OMG. Beach, Please. WTF? Words Stiffy McPherson Photo Sandy Flange “All men are perverts and liars.” My mother told me that. She used to say it with such glee, I think the thought quite excited her. Never mind the fact I was a young man myself or that my father was in the room. I don’t disagree with her though. All men are usually one or the other, if not both, and I fear the Eastern Suburbs’ beaches in 2020 may be turning into a perverts’ paradise before our very eyes; almost certainly theirs. Long gone are the days of families in rashies, with zinc-covered noses and those funny hats with the flaps at the back. Nowadays, if you venture down to one of our beaches on a warm, summer’s day, you’re more likely to find yourself in the background of a soft-porn shoot, than run into Meryl and her four kids. Instagram may have banned the nipple, but they certainly haven’t stopped the viral spread of what can only be described as softcore child pornography.

I am loathe to join the litany of old men telling young women what they should wear or do with their bodies, so I won’t. I just wonder why the hell they are doing it? What sad compulsion is making our young ‘uns turn a place of childhood joy into a vacuous pit of sordid skin obsession? And what sick freak designed those ridiculous high V bikini bottoms that appear to be on trend at the moment? They cannot be comfortable. The thought of being forced to wear a pair of them, combined with even a fifth of the sand that ends up in my crack after a beach adventure, fills me with nothing short of a wild panic. Is Instagram the worst thing to happen to Australian children since they ceased making Sunnyboys? Yes, it is. Innocence is long dead, and now, it seems, so is just being in the moment and having a bloody good time. One must look sexy, and document the sexiness, at

all times. Flash the flesh and you’ll get more likes; from horny teenage boys and creepy old men (who really shouldn’t have access to anyone’s photos) most likely, but hey, a like’s a like! Then you have these parasitical ‘influencers’ who wear stupidly impractical outfits, just to make a splash. I’m telling you right now, if I were to walk down to Bronte Beach with only duct tape covering my genitals, I would be arrested, and rightfully so. I genuinely fear what the future holds for our children, in terms of beach fashion and societal expectation. I also fear the conservative backlash. I’ve been watching The Handmaid’s Tale, so I know what it looks like and it certainly isn’t sexy. One thing is certain, there is no need to install CCTV down the beaches, someone will be filming. Just be sure to check within 24 hours, before the ‘story’ disappears. May 2020 The Beast 33

Oh, how I miss you.

The Unreliable Guide To... Lockdown Words Nat Shepherd Photo Earl Yryzer By the time this goes to print, Australia will probably have followed the rest of the world and gone into full-on lockdown. As I’m writing this, it’s estimated that one third of the world’s population is in lockdown. That’s 2.6 billion people, sat at home, wondering what to do with themselves. These are strange days my friends, but The Unreliable Guide is here with some tips and tricks to keep you going. Get dressed If you are stuck at home all day it may seem pointless to change out of your jimjams, but there are several strong psychological reasons why you should. It makes you feel better, it defines day from night and when you get that FaceTime call you won’t look like a shambles. In fact, take it further; have one day a 34 The Beast May 2020

week when you and your pals dress up in your finest, or weirdest outfits, send selfies to each other and the best one wins. Get up at your normal time On the same principle as getting dressed, it’s a good idea to try and stick to a sleep routine. If you spend all day in bed lounging you won’t sleep well at night, and nighttime is when all the scary thoughts play on your mind. Go to bed at your normal time, set an alarm, get up and have breakfast. Trust me, you’ll feel a whole lot less mental if you do. Meet your friends online This is the time to catch up with people you hardly ever see in your normal frantic life of work or school. The Unreliable Guide has been WhatsApp calling loads of pals overseas I haven’t

seen for years. It’s also a great way to stay in touch with your local peeps. If your posse liked to meet at the Pav every Friday night for a few jars, why not do the same online? Invite everyone to a group chat. Decide on a platform that suits everyone - Zoom, Facebook Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, Facetime... - a few days before so everyone can get used to it. Then, when the time comes, you call each other, pour the drinks and away you go. This generally works best for groups of three to five so everyone can get a word in. The key is planning ahead, so you can get everyone onboard and excited about it. You could even throw an online dinner party, tell everyone the recipe a few days ahead and laugh about how well or badly you’ve all made your dishes. Be creative. Stay positive and keep busy It is soooo easy to feel depressed right now, the world has gone bonkers. You may have lost your job. Loved ones may be fighting for their lives. But you’ve got to take it day by day. Think about any silver linings that have come with this massive weird cloud of shit. You are well enough to read this. You are not dashing around trying to keep up with work or school. You probably have time to knit, paint, write a novel, learn French, make a pavlova, play with the cat, sing out of the window or learn how to edit a video meme of yourself doing something crazy and send it around the world. Think of this unexpected time as a gift, rather than a curse. Finally, The Unreliable Guide would like to send you all a massive virtual hug. Be kind to each other, be kind to yourselves. Do whatever it takes to get through the day and remember, it’s not forever. See you on the flipside.

A completed section of the new MTB Trail at Centennial Park.

Centennial Park to Host New Mountain Bike Trails Satire Kieran Blake, kieranblake13@yahoo.com.au Photo Handell Barrs A mini mountain bike park and trail network is to be created in Centennial Park, much to the delight of riders in the Eastern Suburbs. The MTB Park will be established in the wooded area between the reservoir and the federation monument, while the MTB Trail will follow the inside of the perimeter fence. The facility will be the only one of its kind in the region. “This is great news for local mountain bikers,” said a spokesperson for the group which submitted the proposal to Centennial Park and Moore Park Trust. “The MTB Park will be designed by experts and built among the rocks and trees of the wooded area, which also offers a natural gradient as well as features for jumps and tricks. Because this space lends itself so well to mountain biking, the park should be completed very soon.” The MTB Trail, meanwhile, will see the upgrading of the

path that runs along the inside of the perimeter fence. The MTB Trail will allow riders to work on their endurance, and will be linked to the MTB Park. Local mountain bikers were previously forced to travel to locations such as Hornsby, Loftus or Cecil Park to enjoy genuine mountain bike trails. They can now ride in a location which has long been synonymous with cycling. “The application process was long and arduous and at times we were discouraged,” explained the spokesperson. “We even considered converging on the space in such large numbers, day after day, that authorities would simply let us ride, just like local dog owners do at parks and beaches and playgrounds. However, we decided to follow the rules and we have finally been rewarded.” The MTB Park will be off limits to dogs, pedestrians and other users, in the interests

of safety, while signposts will inform mountain bikers where they can and can’t ride legally within Centennial Park. Riders will also be made aware that they ride entirely at their own risk. The MTB Trail will be a shared facility, and Centennial Park and Moore Park Trust expressed its confidence that riders and other users will use common sense and courtesy to ensure that the path can be enjoyed by all, with the aid of additional signage and directional markers. Those behind the new facility expect it to be as popular as The Ian Potter Children’s Wild Play Garden, especially since the MTB Park lies so close to Bondi Junction. The facility is expected to be finished in the coming months, and designers are asking the public to suggest names for the different trails, so contact Centennial Park and Moore Park with your most creative ideas. May 2020 The Beast 35

What pandemic?

That Big River in Egypt Words Jeremy Ireland Photo Cleo Patra The world has changed forever. Much of what we took for granted a month ago has gone. It seems pointless to go over what these changes are, because even while this edition of The Beast is on the printing press it will have transformed again. It’s difficult to comprehend the scale of what has happened and what is yet to come. Simple liberties such as freedom of movement and being close to someone have all but disappeared. It is perhaps this restriction of movement that is making us realise the magnitude of what is going on. When someone is restricted in some way, the by-product is tension, anger, possible resistance and even conflict. Mix all this together and you have something very combustible that could easily explode. We all have different ways of coping with tension. Some may take the bull by the horns and own it, whereas others might be disoriented and just wallow and flounder about in uncertainty. For a lot of us, a big way of coping, and the one that we often don’t acknowledge, is simply to ignore your feelings altogether and exist in a state of denial. 36 The Beast May 2020

Denial is a defence mechanism. It’s a failure to acknowledge thoughts, feelings or any aspect of reality that would be painful to accept. A simple example is when a terminally ill person refuses to acknowledge the imminence of death. In a more current setting it might be something like, “I’m fit and healthy so I’ll be fine.” Such thoughts may be or may not prove to be true but the real issue is much more problematic. Let’s give it some context. Sadly, Bondi Beach was recently made an example of. The images that went around the world showed a lot of things. In this particular instance it was a classic case of mixing social influence with denial. On Friday, March 20, Bondi was hard to resist. It was a perfect beach day. As one person went to the beach, the next may have thought, “Well, if they’re doing it, I’m doing it.” Fast forward to the afternoon and the knock-on effect saw over twenty thousand people shoulder to shoulder on the famous stretch of sand. The same thing happened on many other beaches along the coast. The beach example also reflects something else. Cognitive

behavioural therapy (CBT) revolves around the simple model of how thoughts affect feelings and in turn behaviour. “I won’t get sick,” leads to, “I feel like going to the beach.” The resulting behaviour is actually going to the beach. An alternate example would be, “I think I might get sick if I go to the beach because there appears to be a lack of social distancing,” which leads to, “I feel like staying inside.” The result is slothing on the couch watching Tiger King. Again, the way we think affects the way we feel, which in turn affects how we behave. If we are in denial it will directly impact how we think about it, how we feel about it and in turn what we do about it. So, what should we do? Well, the choice is really up to us. If, as individuals, we remain in denial of the situation and continue to ignore professional advice, our civil liberties will be removed. It has already begun and the US is a prime example of this. Trump, who was possibly in denial himself, has back-pedalled in a big way, now that he understands the severity of the situation. Unfortunately, the flow-on effect from what’s happening will not just be about who gets sick and who doesn’t, or who will die and who won’t; it’s about protecting a way of life that we have come to enjoy, if not expect. Denial, conscious or not, is not a healthy strategy, because the underlying tension continues to gnaw away and could potentially put you at more risk. If you are feeling that the current situation is getting away from you in any way, please seek professional advice from your GP or mental health practitioner. For further information, please contact Jeremy via bondicounsellingservices.com.

You can have your Fyodor Dostoevsky, I’ll keep my James Tedesco.

A Life Without Sport Words Alasdair McClintock Photo Victor Radley Last Saturday afternoon I heard the birds singing in my backyard for the first time. It could have been a beautiful moment, but they were Indian mynas, so I immediately ran out and hurled some empty beer cans at them. Bastards. They were after my worms, newly liberated from their compost orgy. There’s a good chance I wouldn’t have heard those invaders, if I’d been enjoying my usual autumn afternoon of NRL or NBA, so, while COVID-19 may be an evil son-of-a-bitch, at least it saved my worms. But most sports fans don’t care about my worms, and I don’t blame them. I’d probably sacrifice all of them for one more round of NRL. An earthworm massacre, for a sweet Kalyn Ponga cut-out pass and brief respite from the crushing existential vacuum, is a small price to pay. What cost for a whole season? Don’t push me, you and I both don’t want to know how dark I’d be willing to go.

One surprising thing I’ve learned about myself though, is that I’m all for taking away liberties and quarantining NRL players for our entertainment. Thankfully, it seems like Todd Greenberg and Peter V’landys are too. We can only hope they go through with it. Such ruthless disregard for basic humanity should be celebrated amongst sports administrators. V’landys strikes me as the kind of guy who could slit your throat, convince you it’s for the best, and have you thank him for it as you fall to the ground bleeding. Because what can a sports fan do without sport? Speak to their families? Engage with the classics? Don’t be ridiculous. These are the very things we’re trying to avoid. You can have your Fyodor Dostoevsky, I’ll keep my James Tedesco, thank you very much. At least Jimmy T doesn’t hate the Turks. He’d sooner bring people to their feet than watch them drop to their knees. Who is the better man?

To add insult to injury, you can’t even play it, unless you are fortunate to have a yard and family unit big enough. But that could be the solution right there. A call to arms for people with large families to begin organising sports competitions in their backyards and stream it online. I don’t care if your fullback is only three years old! Is he any good under the high ball? The other option is virtual sports, but that is an ugly boulevard full of fat incels, highsugar drinks and fluorescent children with no social skills. I’d sooner see society remain in permanent lockdown than accept that repugnant horror show as entertainment. So, while the real heroes fight in our hospitals to keep our vulnerable safe (I tip my hat to you), my worms and I will sit patiently and wait for our sporting heroes to return. They may not be risking their lives, but I sometimes wonder if they’re inadvertently saving ours. May 2020 The Beast 37

Confronting scenes outside the Bondi Junction Centrelink office.

What a Difference a Month Makes Words Dr Marjorie O'Neill, Member for Coogee Photo Miles Long It is hard to believe that only a month ago, life in the Eastern Suburbs was pretty much as normal. The weather in early March was lovely, with temperatures well into the twenties and a good mix of sunny days and some decent rain. Bans had been put in place to stop non-citizen visitors from a few countries, but otherwise nothing much had changed. In early March, with the bushfires only weeks past, many in the Eastern Beaches began making plans to contribute, as requested, to the economies of small towns. Easter down the coast was looking good. Then, on March 11, the World Health Organisation (WHO) announced a global pandemic and many Australian organisations began preparing to work remotely. On March 13 there were only 92 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in New South Wales when the government 38 The Beast May 2020

announced that indoor gatherings would be limited to 100 people and outdoor events to less than 500. Many wondered if such restrictions were really necessary. Looking back on this period of history, personal experiences and memories will of course differ. For some, it will be a period of gut wrenching sadness and for many others, a time of economic, social and psychological hardship. For our health workers, I can only imagine the mix of emotions and sheer physical exhaustion that thoughts of this time will arouse. For the young and the old, the isolation of being at home away from loved ones and friends must be very sad and scary. Many people will also come through this time with some lovely memories of strangers doing kind deeds, of baking and gardening and family time together. A resetting of our

busy clocks, a reminder of what is important and hard evidence that investment in health and education should be put ahead of unnecessary expenditure on things like new stadiums. How much better placed would we have been to deal with this crisis if government had committed to improving nurse-patient ratios a year ago? Although our personal experiences of COVID-19 will differ, as residents of the beautiful Eastern Suburbs there are two aspects of our lives that I know we will greatly miss. The first of course must be the closure of our beaches, which was made necessary by too many people congregating in close proximity, but whether solitary swimming and surfing might somehow be facilitated certainly requires further consideration. The second is the decision by the two dominant winter sports in Australia, the NRL and AFL, to suspend their seasons. This has left many people devastated. Watching and attending sporting events, barracking for our teams, wearing the colours and meeting up with friends is a core part of life in the local area and a source of happiness. Our loss of amenity associated with going to the beach, having a swim or a surf, watching or playing our sports, going to a restaurant, meeting up with friends and so on, pales into insignificance when considered in the context of the loss of life and of livelihoods. Every day I see many acts of kindness, community and of sharing. If you would like information about volunteering, perhaps phoning senior citizens to ask if they need help, or if you want my assistance, please phone my office. You can also sign up to my regular COVID-19 updates. I wish you a safe and healthy month, hopefully with a few lovely experiences.

If you have any issues at all that you require assistance with, please do not hesitate to contact my office on 9398 1822, email coogee@parliament.nsw.gov.au, or come in at 15/53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick.


Electorate Office Details: Address: 15/53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031 Email: coogee@parliament.nsw.gov.au Phone: 9398 1822 Fax: 9398 1044 Authorised by Dr Marjorie O’Neill MP, 15-53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031. Printed by Jeffries Printing, 5/71a Milperra Road, Revesby 2212 using parliamentary entitlements. July 2019.

The original and the best.

Makuto on Hall Street - a Menu Like No Other Words Joel Bevilacqua Photo Megan Henry Back in 1998, fresh-faced 27 year-old Roberto Weil decided to take a surf trip to the famed Bondi Beach. Like many in his home country of Venezuela, he was infatuated by the Australian surfing lifestyle. Aussie culture permeated Venezuela during the ‘90s, much like American culture still pervades our own, and it was not uncommon to see people roaming the streets in INXS and AC/DC merchandise. Roberto’s trip was also somewhat of a cover; he was applying for an Australian visa and needed to get a stamp in his passport. There was politcal unrest in Venezuela and Roberto had seen the writing on the wall. It was time to get out, but first he needed a sign. Roberto was sitting on the Bondi Pavillion steps one morning, watching the waves roll in with his then partner, when a man sat down beside them. The 40 The Beast May 2020

man pulled off a pair of brand new sneakers, placed them down on a step, and jogged off along the soft sand towards the south end. Doing such a thing in Venezuala at the time was unthinkable, unless you were tryng to donate your new kicks to the first person who spotted them. For Roberto, the act was so signifcant that he turned to his partner and declared, “If that man’s shoes are still there when he gets back, I’m moving here forever.” And, as they say, the rest is history. Roberto moved to Australia a year later and, over twenty years on, he still calls the Eastern Beaches home. In 2005 Roberto bought Jed’s Foodstore, the much-loved icon of Warners Avenue that closed its doors back in 2016. Fast forward another four years and Roberto and great mate Alon have opened Makuto on Hall Street, a Venezuelan-

style eatery that does breakfast, lunch and dinner. Two decades in the making, Makuto is Eastern Beaches through and through - but without trying to be. Makuto eschews the usual breakfast template, replacing the common eggs and bacon with Venezuelan montados like scrambled eggs with morcilla (black sausage) and green salsa, and breakfast arepas filled with chorizo and miso mushrooms. Reggae music and a woodenthemed interior make for a rare, authentic and laid-back vibe. I visited on a beautiful sunny day in March, albeit at a time when the seriousness of the coronavirus pandemic was just starting to sink in. I was seated at a large wooden table, 1.5 metres from the affable local editor of Tracks Magazine, Luke Kennedy. It turned out that Makuto had already become Luke’s local, and my breakfast ‘Chochoy-

otes’ - a mouth-watering mix of masa gnocchi, sofito isleno, hominy hummus and poached eggs - came recommended by the famed surf scribe himself. Roberto, Luke and I sat together, drinking from glasses of Makuto’s house-fermented pineapple guarapo (kombucha), just one of the refreshing brunch beverages on a list that includes virgin cocktails and fresh pressed juices. Roberto filled me in on his story and that of Makuto while some colourful reggae beats played in the background. I was temporarily silenced by my breakfast, which I scooped up with freshly toasted Iggy’s bread. Arepas - Venezuela’s staple white maize pockets of various fillings - make up the lunch and dinner menu. Mr Kennedy had ordered two servings of his favourite, the ‘Santa La Diabla’, which came packed with pork and mango curtido. Other

fillings inlcude lamb curry, buttermilk chicken, eggplant and steak and halloumi, to name a few. All come served with wasakaka, arepa’s mother sauce. As for now, these are all available for take-away (as well as the breakfast menu and quality coffee from Seven Miles Coffee Roasters), but when the doors reopen diners will have the opportunity to try some of the many craft beers and natural wines on offer as well. “The beauty of this place is that it’s stuff that you can’t make yourself, and can’t get anywhere else,” Mr Kennedy said. And he’s dead right, Makuto offer a menu like no other. It’s a welcome deviation from the norm, bursting with Caribbean combinations and flavours. From there, the conversation naturally migrated into less jovial territory. The football had just been cancelled and at the time it seemed like the end of

Beast Cover Print A3.indd 1

the world. Things were to get worse, especially for owners of establishmens that rely on people being able to leave their homes and congregate. As we come out of this crisis, it is people like Roberto and his legendary business partner Alon who we should be supporting the most. Makuto makutobondibeach.com Address 188 Bondi Road Facebook Makuto Bondi Beach Instagram @makutobondibeach Phone 9130 8171 (to order take-away) Open Lunch and breakfast Mon-Sun, 7am-3pm; dinner Wed-Sat 5-9pm Prices Arepas $13-$14, Montados $16 Cards Master, Visa, Amex Licensed Yes

8/4/20 2:04 pm

You can now purchase high quality prints of this month's cover, signed by local artist Harrison Murdoch. A3 posters are $99 and A2 posters are $199. To place your order, please email james@thebeast.com.au with your order and we will send payment details. May 2020 The Beast 41

Ingredients 3 chorizo, roughly chopped into bite size pieces 600gms green prawns, shelled and deveined 1 can chickpeas, rinsed and drained ¼ teaspoon smoked paprika Aioli 80gms mayonnaise Juice of ½ lemon 1-2 cloves garlic, minced ¼ teaspoon Dijon mustard Sea salt and cracked black pepper Flatbread 300gms thick plain Greek yoghurt 400gms plain flour 1 tbsp baking powder 50ml olive oil 2 teaspoons sea salt To serve Fresh parsley, chopped Lemon wedges

A match made in Spain.

Prawn, Chorizo and Chickpea Flatbreads Words and Picture Dana Sims Instagram @stone_and_twine We’ve all been craving a bit of comfort lately so I hope this flatbread recipe provides exactly that. Flatbread is truly universal, with many cultures having their own version. Here in Australia we seem to love them all. We use it to dip, fold ingredients into and of course as a base for pizza. Creating your own flatbread may seem like a lot of effort at first but it’s actually very simple. A few fresh ingredients, and a little bit of elbow grease, and you’ll be churning out a stack in no time. This one is made using yoghurt, which 42 The Beast May 2020

creates a lightness in the dough. The prawn and chorizo combination is a bit of a favourite of mine and this flatbread recipe is a nod to traditional Spanish and Mediterranean flavours. To bind it together, be sure to use an oozing amount of aioli, finished with fresh parsley and lemon. It’s a cutlery-free, moreish dish that will absolutely satisfy. Unfortunately at this time we can’t extend the sharing beyond the family, but you can look forward to cooking this one for friends soon when all this weirdness blows over. Enjoy!

Method Prepare the flatbread 1. Combine dry ingredients in a bowl. Add yoghurt and olive oil and stir to combine. 2. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until a dough forms for around 2 minutes, then wrap in cling film and rest for 1 hour in the fridge. 3. When ready, divide into 8 pieces, roll each into a ball, then roll out onto a lightly floured surface to around 3mm thick. 4. Keep covered with baking paper or a tea towel until ready to cook so they don’t dry out. Cook the chickpeas, prawns and chorizo 1. Place the chickpeas in a baking tray with baking paper, sprinkle over the smoked paprika and a drizzle of olive oil and toss through. Then bake in a 180-degree oven for 30 minutes until golden, then remove and set aside.

2. Gently fry the prawns in a pan with a little olive oil on medium heat. Toss the prawns and cook evenly for approximately 1-2 minutes each side. Remove from the heat and set aside. 3. Fry the chorizo in a pan on medium heat with a very small drizzle of olive oil. Toss and ensure each side is nicely coloured and the chorizo is thoroughly cooked through. Prepare the aioli 1. Combine mayonnaise, lemon juice, minced garlic and Dijon mustard and mix well to combine. This is a cheat’s version of aioli and feel free to make your own mayonnaise when you have time. The final touches 1. Heat a pan on medium. Brush each side of the flatbreads with a little olive oil. Place one in the pan at a time and cook on each side for 2 minutes. It should have a fair bit of colour on each side and be cooked through so it doesn’t taste doughy. Remove from the pan and repeat with remaining flatbreads. 2. To assemble, lay the flatbread on a plate, spoon a generous amount of aioli onto the flatbread, top with chickpeas, chorizo, prawns and a big squeeze of lemon and sprinkle on some fresh parsley to serve. This recipe is enough to make eight flatbreads Dana Sims is a Sydneybased food and prop stylist who has grown up in the Eastern Suburbs and loves to create delicious food for entertaining and family. She is inspired by the fresh produce we have access to here in Sydney. For ideas, recipes and styling inspiration, check out her Instagram, @stone_and_twine.

Go on, wipe that arse.

Confessions of a Hoarder Words Benjamin Freewheeler Photo Boyd Hoardner I received an anonymous call from a woman wanting to make a confession in person about a disturbing habit she had recently developed. I recorded this confession and have dictated here. I cannot express how dear I hold toilet paper to my heart. I mean, I usually hold it to my arse, but I am talking metaphorically, of course. The four ply, soft paper that never scratches, the layers that absolve my hands from the mess that is the output of our digestive systems, the readiness of the paper to com-ply, standing there waiting for me to tear a piece from it, never questioning why, always encouraging me on. Go on, wipe that arse. Make it clean. Need another piece? Sure, friend, I would never let your fingers become poo-laden with that hellish scent from Hades that no soap can ever remove in one wash. The French and their bidets don’t know what they are missing out on! You must surely understand why, dear reader, when faced with the threat of losing this dear household item that nothing can replace (tissues are too pliable, kitchen towels too abra-

sive), I have to act. Quickly and repeatedly. No, I’m not talking about the propulsion of my anus after food poisoning, I’m talking about loo paper hoarding. If I have to be in lockdown in my own home, there is one thing I cannot live without. One act of civility must maintain. The protection of my hand from my arse. Last Monday, I drove around to all the supermarkets I could find on Google Maps to hoard packets of white and plastic gold. My boot and rear seat were full of them, their little eyelets shining and winking at me, saying, “You are greedy, but we love you.” An old lady with a trolley even asked me while I was reversing the car if I could spare a pack. Does she think I am a fool? Or Father Christmas? I mean, really, have we lost our sanity? The calm that came over me when I placed every last pack under our staircase out of sight, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter who gets sick or who dies, or how much food we have left in the fridge or how many cans in the cupboard, I will still have the pleasure of wiping my arse and keeping my hands clean. May 2020 The Beast 43

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Subject Clarity Location Bondi Photographer Charlotte Wyatt

Subject Shining light Location Vaucluse Photographer Stephane Vandaud @stephanevandaud

The Beast Magazine wants your local photos!

Subject Cheeky Location Darlinghurst Photographer Stephane Vandaud @stephanevandaud

Subject Stairway to Heaven Location Diamond Bay Photographer Boris Capman @boriscapman

Subject Whiz-kid Location Coogee Photographer Carolyn Doughty

Subject Surf time Location Tamarama Photographer Boris Capman @boriscapman

Please send them to photos@thebeast.com.au

Childish Gambino 3.15.20

Label Wolf+Rothstein/Liberator Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

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Childish Gambino might be the smartest man alive. He is a tormented genius, modern philosopher, and funny dude all in one. Here, he’s delivered a timely reminder that music is better in headphones. Albums like 3.15.20 turn from weird, almost intrusive background music, to absorbing sonic adventures through goosebump town - not the Stephen King variety, the type you get from a perfectly timed twang of bass that sends shivers up your spine and down your arms. It’s not a stroke, just perfection.

Mac Miller CIRCLES

Label Warner Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Posthumous albums are always tricky. Especially when they’re of previously unreleased work. I always fear someone’s trying to cash in on something the artist wasn’t keen to release. This feels different though. There is peace here. Low-key and hypnotic, this is not the hip-hop record I expected. This is floating adrift on a calm ocean, looking at the moon, and not worrying about too much else. I was just telling the cat in the laneway behind our house that I needed a new album to love. I think she’ll be very happy to hear that I’ve found it.

Circa Waves SAD HAPPY

Label Prolifica Inc. Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  British indie-rock has slipped into a strange little rut. Up-and-coming bands keep bursting onto the scene, promising so much, then as soon as they try to differentiate themselves a little from the pack, it all falls apart. Circa Waves are the epitome of this. They’re at their best when they play the upbeat standard fare - think Kooks, ‘See the World’ - but any wavering from this and it all gets a bit dull. Clichéd lyrics begin to stick out like an erection in a sarong, and you just wish they’d slip it back into the skinny jeans and leave a little to the imagination. 48 The Beast May 2020

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ACROSS 1. Gibberish (12) 7. Phonetic English alphabet (10) 9. Irate (3) 10. Repeatedly annoy (6) 14. Father from Rugrats (3) 15. Young person (abbrev.) (4) 16. Unknown aircraft (1,1,1) 17. Unable to hear (4) 19. Terror (4) 20. Got (8) 22. Association (12) DOWN 2. Plural of ovum (3) 3. Feminine form of “good” in Italian (5) 4. Haemor-



rhagic virus thought to be carried by fruit bats (5) 5. Opening (3) 6. German for “child garden” (12) 7. Italian cured ham (10) 8. Spread out from (8) 10. Comedy (6) 11. Straw-like wetland plant (4) 12. Abbreviation of “street” (2) 13. Agricultural servant from Feudal system (4) 18. Portuguese for “by the way”; Jennifer Garner TV show (5) 19. Achievement (4) 21. Tin (3)

Trivial Trivia Words Cameron Anderson Photo Matt Cicciarelli Instagram @2034photography 1. Which famous American singer, who also acted, passed away while watching the final episode of Seinfeld? 2. What is Crokinole? 3. Who wrote the Spanish novel Don Quixote?

4. The word ‘quixotic’ was borne out of this book; what does it mean? 5. Which two letters don’t appear in the periodic table as symbols for elements? 6. What is the most popular dog breed in the world? 7. Both starting with ‘S’, what are the names of the AFL and NRL footballs?

8. 6 and 28 are the two smallest ‘perfect numbers’; what is a perfect number? 9. Stephen King wrote about room 217 in The Shining; what number did Stanley Kubrick use in the movie of the same name? 10. Who is the only non-Jedi or non-Sith to use a lightsaber in the original Star Wars trilogy?

Empty Bronte. May 2020 The Beast 49

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 Don’t forget to clean and disinfect all the household items you have been putting inside your bottom lately.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 Make the most of all the spare time you’ve got or you’ll regret it in five years time when everything is back to normal.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 Try listening a little and you’ll find that the answer to the question you’re about to interrupt with will be forthcoming.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 By all means listen to the experts, but be sure to stick to your guns when it comes to matters of morals and values.

Visions Beardy from Hell

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23 You’re about to hit the all time peak of your sexual powers, so be sure to make the most of it while it lasts.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 With all your filthy habits and poor personal hygiene, COVID-19 is the least of your worries.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21 Have a crack at writing a song. Everyone’s got a number one hit inside them somewhere, you just need to dig it out.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23 You’ve always been renowned for talking a bit too close to people’s faces, but you really need to get out of the habit now.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 Pretty much everyone is completely f*cked at the moment, but don’t worry; you and your problems are still the priority.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21 Stop stressing. The entire world is f*cked, so take comfort in the fact that we’re all in this steaming pile of shit together.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 When the chips are down and everything seems hopeless, that’s when you are at your best. It’s time to step up.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 Watch Tiger King on Netflix. It’s a documentary about the US equivalent of you and your mates but with exotic animals involved.

Star Signs

Trivial Trivia Solutions

1. Frank Sinatra 2. A game similar to shuffleboard 3. Miguel de Cervantes 4. Extremely idealistic 5. Q and J 6. Labrador Retriever 7. Sherrin and Steeden 8. A positive integer that is equal to the sum of its proper divisors 9. 237 10. Han Solo 1





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Description: Runners Shop logo Scale: 100%. Size: See Artwork Date: 31/10/18 Client: The Runners Shop Die Line Reference: N/A

4 Colour process

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exper ex perie ien ce

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Profile for The Beast

The Beast - May 2020  

The May 2020 edition of The Beast, featuring local cover artist Harrison Murdoch.

The Beast - May 2020  

The May 2020 edition of The Beast, featuring local cover artist Harrison Murdoch.


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