The Beast - March 2017

BEAST The

March 2017

DION HORSTMANS Life Imitates Art

252 campbell parade, North bONDI BEACH BURRITO COMPANY

WELCOME TO MARCH 2017... A RESPITE FROM THE HEAT Words Dan Hutton Picture Tim Jones Instagram @timmarkjones

W

elcome to the March 2017 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

We hope you all survived the insane heatwave we’ve been having this past month. Seriously, the hottest Sydney January on record followed by a series of scorchers in early February – it’s enough to make anyone go mad! Fingers crossed that March will treat us to some cooling winds. If not, you can find us inside the Ritz Cinema or Bondi Westfield soaking up the air-con for the rest of the month.

For those of you brave enough to face the heat, we’ve got a bunch of exciting events happening over the next four weeks or so. March kicks off with the annual Mardi Gras Parade on the 4th. Grab your mates and your homophobic aunt, and head to Oxford Street – it’ll basically be impossible for Aunt Sheryl to resent the LGBTQI

community when they serve up the best, most welcoming street party of the year.

On March 5 we’ll once again be treated to the annual Spot Festival, an awesome celebration of all that Randwick has to offer. On the same day the All About Women festival is on at the Opera House - empowerment is 100 per cent guaranteed. The Bondi Pavilion is also ready to rock out this March, with Jazz @ The Pav set to present jaw-dropping jazz performances every Friday night. If that’s not

enough to keep you happy, you can also pop down to Centennial Park between March 9 and 12 for the foodie phenomenon that is Taste of Sydney festival. Bon appetite!

In the mag this month we’ve got features on a recent string of letterbox break-ins in Bondi, local unrest in response to repeated power outages at Ocean Street North, the inspiring story of a local couple undertaking an intense physical challenge for charity, a call-out for half marathon competitors to join Sophie Smith’s legendary Running for Premature Babies team, and much more.

Our cover star this month is Bondi sculptor Dion Horstmans.

Dion tells it like it is, and our interview with him is an enlightening look into the mind of a creative soul who does not take no for an answer. Have a splendid month!

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Contents

MARCH 2017 ISSUE 146

08 Welcome Note

50 Rupert’s Rant

66 Street Style

10 Pearls of Wisdom

52 Local Bloke

70 Local Photos

09 Contents

12 Monthly Mailbag 22 Thumbs & Dogs 24 Local News 25 Beastpop I 42 Calendar

43 Trade Directory 44 Interview

51 Beastpop II

54 Local Chick

56 Fish ‘n’ Tips 57 Tide Chart

58 Unreliable Guide

60 This Sporting Life 62 Travel Bug 64 Sexy Time

'Early dip' by Georgia McCarthy, Instagram: @georgialeya.

68 Enviro News 72 Bandage 74 Reviews

75 Arts Bits

76 Food & Wine

80 Trivial Trivia

82 Beardy From Hell 82 Trivia Solutions

You've got to be joking.

SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Ben Deadknee

C

elebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore, it would take a feminist of Pearl’s calibre to get truly excited by the front page of The Strait Times, which heralded: “Saying ‘I Do’ Without A Diamond Ring”.

How heartened I was to think that perhaps women had discarded the ridiculous rite of betrothal. Instead of a front page touting the latest trend in wedding makeup, here was an enlightened nation throwing off the nuptial shackles. Maybe Australia would follow suit?

In a neo-conservative era where parents have regressed by dressing their daughters as pink princesses, where toy stores segregate their merchandise according to ‘gender’, where women playing NFL in bikinis is ‘sport’, and where Miss Universe is every adolescent girl’s ambition, was I really that gullible to believe that Gen Y would radically commit engagement rings – and, hence, elaborate weddings - to the dumpster?

Alas, engagements are not dead; it’s diamonds that are. And while it is men who have historically been stupid enough to swallow De Beers’

10 The Beast | March 2017

clever 1940s marketing of the diamond ring, it is disappointing to aging feminist Pearl that women have failed to take control of their lives rather than heading straight to the registry office or insisting their intended spouse display his commitment with a rock.

‘Control’ is what is lacking in the neo-feminist agenda. We claim that it is ‘our choice’ to wear ridiculous clothing and shoes, and that cosmetic procedures ‘empower us’, while men saunter around comfortably showing off their guts and facial lines.

The reality is that it’s not ‘our choice’, and it’s marketers and the media who are preventing us breaking through that bloody tough glass ceiling (installed by fat men). Marketers are in control of women’s lives.

Read any newspaper or women’s magazine and diets, wedding preparations, empowerment crap, botox and exercise advice and are all directed solely at females. Marketers set the ‘feminine’ agenda, tying our worthiness as people to the way we look and appeal to men.

Since the advent of John Howard, the advancement of women has effectively been shut down by marketers, who have in turn been encouraged by governments that are more than happy to have women’s minds and bodies occupied with looking fresh, feminine and unblemished in order to attract a man. God help Australia if women actually felt happy in their own skin - we might stop marrying, procreating, and spending our meagre wages on our appearance.

Imagine the resultant impact on retail sales, property developers, the building industry, the economy and ultimately… jobs and growth!

So Gen Y women, listen up luvvies: you have the power to bring an economy to its knees and set the feminist and national agenda.

If Tiffany’s is unnerved by men’s decision to swap the diamond for a zirconia, imagine how nervous the government and media would be if you refused to be hijacked by marketing propaganda, took control, and proudly wore lines of defiance on your face and comfy ballet flats on your feet!

SAT 25 FEB

STEVE HART & THE ALL STARS WITH GUEST

‘ANGRY ANDERSON’

SAT 25 MAR

THE DOORS EXPERIENCE

THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs Illustrations Dalton Wills MAKE COOGEE CLEAN AGAIN Hi James and Dan - There is now a Randwick Council sign at the drain at the north end of Coogee Beach warning that the "area may be affected by wastewater overflow". I only hope this means that Council is going to make Coogee clean again.

We were at the beach in January 2017 just after Council opened the drain, allowing the wastewater to stream unfiltered into the sea. The beach water was vile - full of plastic wrappers and sanitary waste. An oily scum covered the surface of the water, and the slick and detritus spread the entire length of the beach. I rang the EPA and asked for water testing, and also rang Council. Cleaning up this drain has been a Council election promise for 24-plus years. We need to pressure Council into action.

Alix Magney Coogee COOGEE BOOZE BAN A GOOD IDEA Guys, come on! I love The Beast Magazine, but on page 25 of the February Beast you quoted Dave Martin from Courtyard Coogee, one of your larger advertisers, and he was not happy, business down - so perhaps less ad revenue for you guys?

Coogee on a Saturday and Sunday was out of control with alcoholfuelled backpackers and was becoming a ‘no go area’ for locals.

If your business is totally dependent on drunks who trash Coogee, perhaps it’s time to rethink your business model. I have been down to Coogee every day since the alcohol ban and haven’t noticed a signifi-

12 The Beast | March 2017

cant drop in visitors. However, I’m sure if you spoke to the police there would’ve been a significant drop in the amount of drunken violence.

As a 25-year resident/ratepayer, I’m thrilled to see families back and kids kicking a footy around Goldstein Reserve. Bondi, Bronte and all of the other beaches have managed quite successfully to function with a no alcohol policy, so I’m sure Coogee can.

I still love The Beast, but needed to get that off my chest.

Johnny Coogee

URBAN TASKFORCE A BIT TOO 1984 ▼ Who are the Urban Taskforce and what exactly do they stand for?

They sound like some Cold War covert organisation and they seem to get more exposure than is warranted for their opinions, when clearly they are nothing more than a dictatorial lobby group for big developers with one thing in mind: big profits for their affiliates. And yet they call themselves a non-profit organisation?

Why are they so critical of Randwick Council’s Kingsford/Kensington Planning Strategy for high-rise down Anzac Parade? Not enough height and density they claim. Presumably they consider the Anzac Parade light rail as nothing but a precursor for over the top development and densification; a transport plan hatched with the autocratic Baird State Government that pushed it through with minimal disclosure, and dubiously sold to the people as a great way to improve their lives and community.

People are increasingly bombarded by threats of all sorts these days, with a feeling of helplessness in most cases, so we can do without the ominous preaching of shadowy groups like the Urban Task Force.

Tim Gunn Coogee

YET ANOTHER NO TO THE BONDI UNDERGROUND CAR PARK ▼ I agree totally with Greg Maidment’s comments (No To The Underground Car Park, Letters, The Beast, February 2017) regarding the proposed Bondi Beach car park. You have my full sympathy. The question to ask the mayor is: "Does she actually use the beach herself for swimming or surfing?"

We had a similar ridiculous decision taken from us with the original refurbishment of Coogee Beach.

The change rooms and showers were removed from the lower broad walk and new outdoor showers (no change rooms) were placed on the upper broad walk, up all the stairs and in full view of the entire public! The beach toilets were simply removed so beachgoers had no choice but to use the ones all the way up at the bus interchange!

At a full council meeting I asked the then mayor if she actually did swim at the beach. No prizes for guessing the answer. When our representatives actually listen to their constituents will be the day when pigs fly. They do their damage then

14 The Beast | March 2017

move on (or out, as is the case of our recently departed premier).

Pancho Coogee Beach REALITY TV’S REAL LIFE TRASH Dear Beasties - As always, we were so excited to see that a neighbour was moving out over the weekend, as they dumped a veritable treasure trove of goodies in our garden. Unfortunately we aren't in the market for a white pleather double bed, but we’re grateful that the genius responsible left a copy of their rental agreement and, interestingly, their reality TV show contract.

The poor minor celeb, or “busty former playboy model” as an online tabloid describes her, appears to have been paying well over the odds for the unit, especially considering the measly $90 per diem offered by the TV show.

This particular inspirational quote on her Instagram account - “It’s a very cool thing to be a smart girl” has inspired me to contact you. So please, if you’re leaving ‘The Bubble’, take your trash, furniture, contracts, contact details, etc. with you.

Bondi can’t use make-up to cover the blemishes. Report illegal dumping on 131 555.

Annalie Bondi STOP PADDO BUS STOP REMOVAL I see the RMS has again decided to change the placement of the bus route 389 bus stops at the Paddington end.

They want to remove two stops in Hargrave Street, near Taylor Street.

The reason they give is that it will provide more street parking.

I've lived in Paddington for 35 years and the parking has always been a bit tight, but manageable - and that is with a continuous influx of tradies doing renovations.

It seems unfair that the RMS should show concern for those from other suburbs who save bucks by coming to Paddo to catch a bus, rather than the local bus travellers who often have heavy loads of groceries. These stops have high patronage, as they did when the trams ran to the city.

Noel Mayes Paddington

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BRING BACK THE BRONTE SWING ▲ Bronte locals, some time ago Received a special gift, A timber deck, hung in a tree Which gave us all a lift.

The deck was built with loving care In perfect harmony, With leafy surrounds, there we perched The birds, my daughter and me.

The feeling was quite magical No better spot to be, On a summer's day, what a view Gazing out to sea.

"Far too risky" the Council said To everyone's dismay, "We can assess the risk ourselves" Is what the locals say.

Put up a sign if necessary For people to take care, So all can once again enjoy Swaying gently in the air.

Vicky Edema Bronte P.S. Following on from my little poem, the guy who put the deck and swing up in the big tree has a petition going for its reinstatement [after Waverley Council demanded its removal]. It is outside his house, next to the tree at 67 Gardyne Street, Bronte.

A lot of signatures already. I met him briefly when walking past the house before Christmas. He is a beaut character and put the swing and deck up at his own expense for everyone to enjoy. It really was special!

16 The Beast | March 2017

RESPONSE TO ICEBERGS PENSIONER Just a thought to your problem encountered at Bondi Icebergs (Icebergs Prices Too High For Pensioners, Letters, The Beast, February 2017) - why not apply for a Seniors Card?

There are many businesses that give much better concessions to Seniors Card holders than to pensioners.

I think this is largely because Seniors Card holders have paid their dues and have met the eligibility criteria, whereas not having a Seniors Card could mean that you are working more than 20 hours, even though you’re still eligible for a part disability pension. Just a thought…

Pancho Coogee Beach I VOTE LIBERAL BECAUSE OF $7,000 A recent article in the Southern Courier ( January 10, 2017, page 15) starts with: “the Prince of Wales Hospital Foundation has raised $93,000 for its laser machine appeal, but needs a further $7,000 to purchase equipment to help patients with head and neck cancers”.

Reading this, I found six reasons why I vote Liberal: 1. I vote Liberal because the availability of much-needed healthcare equipment should depend on the

uncertainty of donations, not on the certainty of taxes; 2. I vote Liberal because $7,000 is about the fee certain prime ministers may pay to lawyers to hide their wealth in tax-havens so that they do not pay tax at all; 3. I vote liberal because $7,000 represents the amount some Liberal MPs spend on trips to see the New Year’s Eve fireworks from Kirribilli House; 4. I vote Liberal because a substantial amount of the tax we (yes, you too!) pay goes to, for example, the 12 submarines ($50 billion), which is about $2,000 per Australian (www.news.com.au); 5. I vote Liberal because submarines do not depend on the uncertainty of donations, but on the certainty of taxes; and finally, 6. I vote Liberal because submarines can attack an enemy that does not exist.

Voting Liberal ensures that for our tax money we get the best governments money can buy. Or do we?

Thomas Klikauer Coogee STOP BEING SO TRASHY As a frequent visitor to Macpherson Street, Bronte from Coolangatta, I am always appalled at the amount of rubbish in the gutter between Pembroke Street and St Thomas Street – a distance of about 60 metres.

DE FIN E. MA IN TA IN .

SC UL PT .

Today I removed an empty CocaCola carton, two Slurpee takeaway containers and a filthy rubber glove.

Yesterday it was two takeaway coffee cups. I have only been here three days on this occasion, but experience tells me it will be the same every day.

Jack Hickey Bronte WATCH YOUR BEARD Seriously Beardy, you have excelled in the February Beast (Beardy From Hell, The Beast, February 2017). It cracked me up! But I would hesitate a little with some comments as I think a younger generation might be reading The Beast as well... hopefully with an open mind, and a keen sense of humour. Now all that's left to say is, what star sign are you? Are you brave enough to tell us all?

Fast Eddie Bondi FOOD FOR THOUGHT I have quietly observed the growing voice regarding the date of Australia Day and the call from some in the community to change this date.

Although I recognise that the date of January 26 may mark the beginning of some adverse events and hardships, and that it's not been all good for all Australians since that

18 The Beast | March 2017

date, on the whole I believe that more good than bad has followed from those events of a few hundred years ago. Furthermore, I strongly believe that in Australia, and as Australians, we have a lot to be thankful for; my travels around the world support this.

Accordingly, I am not one of those advocating a change to the date.

However, I would 100 per cent support an official day each year where the Australian community celebrates the Indigenous community in Australia - perhaps we could call it Indigenous Day (or another appropriate name).

I am not certain which date would be most appropriate, but with some community consultation an appropriate date could be determined.

It would be great to see the Indigenous community in Australia celebrated in this way. Food for thought.

Jason No address provided HOT BOD DOESN’T EQUAL SMALL BRAIN ▲ Just reading all the outrage about you guys publishing a photo of a woman in a bikini. When did it become degrading for women to wear bikinis or take photos in them? Have we taken this too far? And isn't it demeaning to suggest that girls who walk around

in bikinis and take photos in them can't achieve amazing things?

I want to believe that I, as a woman, can change the world and contribute to this society by doing amazing things without having to dress like an old librarian (sorry all librarians, I actually studied to be one). Can we be feminine and sexy and smart and successful at the same time? I'm sure we can. Can we have equal rights to men, but still be seen and treated as women? I'm sure we can do that too.

P.S. I love reading science articles while sunbaking at Bondi in my offensively small bikinis (I'm past mid-thirties).

Veronika No address provided LOVE LETTER Seriously, you guys are the best and the funniest! The title of the letter to the editor in February's issue, "From The Judean People's Front", just kept me giggling on and off for a while at its cleverness and local touch. How do you do it each month? There are always a few killer lines amidst all the other great stuff.

I love Pearl every month too. She needs to run life coaching classes. I have been in upheaval mode the past few months and I've missed reading

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you cover to cover, but I'm back now and The Beast feels healthier and more balancing than a downward dog. My praise to the editors!

Legends!

Carolyn Frischling Bondi Beach GREEDY CLUBBIES Can someone please tell me why Clovelly and Bronte Surf Lifesaving Clubs need to have so many specially reserved car parks in the Clovelly car park and Bronte Cutting car park?

I reckon the reserved spots in both car parks are empty 95 per cent of the time I drive past and it's ridiculous to have so many places reserved for the clubbies when car parks are so scarce around here. They don't even use them most of the time.

If the councils really have to give them special treatment then they should just give them a subsidised parking pass to park in one of the other spots. Permanently reserving car parks for the clubbies when they don't even use them most of the time is downright stupid.

On a final note, I reckon I've seen the clubbies do about three rescues

20 The Beast | March 2017

in the last decade and they were ones that the lifeguards would have probably been able to save anyway, but that annoying IRB was out the back annoying everyone so it got to them first.

John Thistlewaite Clovelly FED UP WITH JUICE I was so disappointed when I was informed the other day that another juice shop was going to open in Macpherson Street, directly across the road from the other one. Do we really need another juice shop in such a small area?

What about a cake shop that sells sandwiches as well – yes, you heard me right, a simple sandwich. This would benefit the locals a lot more and I think would be a more profitable business.

Everyone was so happy when the chicken shop came to town and look at how well it’s doing – we all love the Char!

Anonymous Bronte P.S. Love The Beast!

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editors james@thebeast.com.au dan@thebeast.com.au Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au www.thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month.

55,500 are placed in mailboxes and 5,500 in local shopfronts.

PEFC Certified The Beast is printed on paper sourced from sustainably managed forests.

Letters To The Editor Please email your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au.

BYRON Age 6 Years Sex Male Breed Maltese x Shihtzu Weight 3.8kg

It's getting hot in here...

THUMBS UP COOL CHANGES After a week of thirty-plus, a change does you good. A small part of us is looking forward to the extended cool change that is autumn.

YOUTUBE TUTORIALS The closest you’ll come to learning something ‘Matrix-style’. You can literally teach yourself anything on the popular video service.

EARTH HOUR Turning off all your electrical goods for one hour a year may not change the world immediately, but it helps spread a bloody important message.

THE BRONTE SWING The Gardyne Street tree swing is a great initiative built by a generous Bronte local. Please don’t pull it down Waverley Council.

TASTE OF SYDNEY If you like fancy food at affordable prices, you’ll like the Taste of Sydney festival. It’s on in Centennial Park from March 9-12. Get there.

THUMBS DOWN HEAT WAVES We’re all for a bit of warmth, but January and early February were nigh on unbearable. Maybe global warming is a bad thing after all.

POWER OUTAGES We thought the world had ended when that big storm in early Feb brought down a branch at Beast HQ, which in turn cut our power.

SUMMER’S END As hot and humid as you were, dear friend, it is always sad to say goodbye to you. Come back soon in all your sunny, boozy, sweaty glory.

UNCOURTEOUS DRIVERS Is it that hard to be a decent human once you get behind the wheel? Don't turn into a c**t once the key turns in the ignition.

BRONTE CUTTING CAR PARK Hardly an issue, but in summer the Cutting is hell on Earth. We blame the clubbies and their 17 dedicated parking spots.

22 The Beast | March 2017

Byron is a very attentive dog who is social with other dogs and walks well on lead. He needs his humans around and is not an easy dog to give eye or ear ointments to. He has a non-shedding coat and weighed a tiny 3.8kg when he came from the pound. He comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. His adoption cost is $400, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

LIZZIE Age 9 Years Sex Female Breed Poodle x Lhasa Apso Weight 13.5kg Lizzie is an affectionate, sweet, calm girl who is social with other dogs. She loves her walks and walks well on loose lead at a good pace. She is tolerant of children but is not interested in engaging with them. She has a non-shedding coat and weighs 13.5kg. She comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $450, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

PEARL Age 10 Years Sex Male Breed Silky x Weight 4kg Pearl is a shy girl who needs gentle slow hand movements. She is sweet and affectionate, but she needs to know you are not going to hurt her. She is social with other dogs, but people are most important to her. She does not want to be left alone for long. She weighs 4kg and comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $450, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

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March 2017 | The Beast 23

Beware of anyone wearing Adidas.

WAVE OF LETTERBOX BREAK-INS LEAVES BONDI ON HIGH ALERT Words Madeleine Gray Picture Lionel Messi

“

I’ll just leave the keys in the letterbox.”

It’s a phrase we’ve all uttered a hundred times, because let’s face it, who can be bothered buying one of those fake rock key-holder things?

Unfortunately, a recent wave of letterbox break-ins in the Bondi area is here to remind us that we are not as clever as we may think.

Bondi local Amy Lynch was recently the victim of one such break-in.

“The postbox was locked and someone broke into it,” Ms. Lynch told The Beast.

“I have no idea how. They broke into mine and the one next to ours. It is the second time it has

24 The Beast | March 2017

happened and they took all of our post out of it.

“Luckily we don’t keep keys in the letterbox, but I had recently applied for a new credit card.

“Annoyingly that was in the postbox and somehow they managed to activate it online. They then very quickly spent $1,500 on the card and I had no idea until the bank told me.

“I didn’t even know the new card had been posted out to me.”

Waverley Council is aware of the recent spate of thefts, having been briefed by police on the issue.

“We work closely with the local police and residents to enable the safety of the whole community,” a

Council spokesperson said.

“Letterbox area design for new complexes has been encouraged to reduce opportunity for theft.

“The NSW Police Force has a number of resources available to residents with tips as to how to lessen the risk of mail theft.”

Another Bondi local, Andrew Worssam, agreed that upgrading locks on letterboxes is definitely to be encouraged.

“The letterbox at our Bondi apartment block was regularly broken into until we upgraded the locks,” he said.

“For a block of 12, it cost us $500 to get tubular key locks fitted with two extra keys.

“These locks are supposed to be unpickable and cannot be opened with a master key - unlike the previous arrangement.

“It wasn't hard to convince the body corporate; no one wants their letterbox robbed.”

The jury is out on who is perpetrating these thefts. Mr. Worssam said that police told him “stealing mail is all about collecting personal information in order to commit identity theft.

This would probably require some level of organisation. The theft of keys from letterboxes may be more random, though I don't think the two are mutually exclusive”.

Ms. Lynch said that community vigilance was important in discouraging these thefts.

“I would advise locals to just be more cautious about who is hanging around their apartment block.

“Sometimes with Airbnb, and Bondi being such a transient place, it’s hard to know if the person looking in the mailboxes lives in your block or not.

“I used to stupidly always leave keys for friends in our old apartment postbox and would never do that again.

“I have also now contacted my banks and asked if everything can always be either sent to the branch or electronically.”

The message seems clear: it’s probably time to invest in a better mailbox lock.

DO PEOPLE WHO ARE SILLY ENOUGH TO LEAVE THEIR HOUSE KEYS IN THEIR MAILBOX DESERVE TO BE BURGLED? Words and Pictures Catriona Stirrat

David COOGEE

Hannah ROSE BAY

I don’t think they should be burgled. It would be nice to think that we had a community where people could feel safe enough to leave their keys in the mailbox without feeling as though they were going to be robbed.

Not really. I think every time someone leaves their keys in the mailbox or the front wheel of the car, it is a symbol of trust within the community and it does something to kind of increase the connection between people.

Sam BRONTE

Nat DARLING POINT

Maybe they could pick a place that is more discreet in their letterbox, but I definitely don’t think they deserve to be burgled. It would be nice to live in a place where everybody could simply trust each other.

I know that I always leave my house open, so I would say that they don’t deserve to be burgled because convenience should take precedence over being mean.

Jonathan BONDI

Of course, that’s an invitation to be burgled, isn’t it? It’s like saying, “Here, come in; I have the door wide open for you!”

Trusting your neighbours is so not going to happen; this is the real world!

Lindsay BRONTE

I don’t think it is ever right to get burgled, even if you leave your keys in the letterbox.

People shouldn’t be looking in other people’s letterboxes, but maybe you could find a better place to hide your keys, like in a plant pot.

March 2017 | The Beast 25

Bigger and better than ever.

OLD FASHIONED FAMILY FUN AS THE SPOT FESTIVAL FAREWELLS SUMMER Words Madeleine Gray Picture Spot Anderson

S

ydney’s nightlife might continue to be a crumbling mess, but Randwick Council is determined to ensure that our daytime culture does not suffer the same fate.

On Sunday, March 5 from 1pm to 8pm, Perouse Road and St Pauls Street in Randwick will be closed off to car traffic, and pedestrian fun and community activities will reign supreme as the annual Spot Festival does its thing once again.

“The Spot Festival is the ultimate street party, celebrating food, music and the local community,” a spokesperson for Randwick Council, which organises the festival, told The Beast.

“The festival is complete with lots of free kids activities, cultural performances, tarot readings, food, market stalls, shopping and more.”

The Spot is renowned as one of Randwick’s gastronomic hubs, and food stalls serving culinary delights hailing from over 15 countries - including French, Chinese, German, Korean, Thai and Malaysian food – will ensure it lives up to its reputation.

Do you have a parent or grandparent who laments for the

26 The Beast | March 2017

‘good old days’ when kids would play games on the street instead of the computer? Bring them along!

Maybe you’ll even convince them to try some of that so-called ‘crazy foreign food’.

This is wholesome fun at its most Australian – celebrating our multicultural community, good food, international song and dance, and the hard work of our beloved local businesses. There’s enough on offer to turn even the most determined Scrooge’s frown upside down.

Parents of young children need not fear either. The festival will again feature a ‘Kids Corner’, where there will be a wellequipped baby changing/nursing tent. A pram parking valet service will also be available and will be located behind the Harmony Stage on Perouse Road.

Randwick Mayor Noel D’Souza said he is proud that Randwick City Council is presenting the Spot Festival for the tenth year in a row.

“The Spot Festival is a favourite on the festival circuit, with 20,000 people expected to attend,” he said.

“It represents Randwick City’s ‘sense of community’, celebrating our diversity, energy and fantastic international food and culture.

“What better way to celebrate the end of summer than with a vibrant community street party?”

While many local businesses will have stalls, those that don’t still plan to open and are enthusiastic about the sense of communal solidarity that the festival engenders.

“Although we don’t participate in the stalls, the Spot Festival is a great local family day out,” the team from Bat Country, one of the bars at The Spot, told The Beast.

“There should be more events like this around the area. What we will offer on the day is great music, food, drinks and a refuge to those needing some time out of the sun (or rain).”

Also on offer are activities to tempt even the most reticent of teens – think an Instagram printing booth, pop-up library, beanbag chill-out zone, fortune telling tent, and even a silent disco.

So what are you waiting for?

Get out your diary and pencil it in.

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Mind your manors, Mirvac.

MULTIPLE POWER OUTAGES LEAVE OCEAN STREET RESIDENTS FUMING Words Madeleine Gray Picture Dan Hutton

W

hat gives a company the right to simply shut off a whole area’s power for eight hours?

What gives them the right to do this not once, but again and again?

Apparently the answer is disturbingly simple: the law.

This is a disconcerting truth that has been learnt and re-learnt by residents of Ocean Street North in Bondi over the past three years. At present, there are three developments under construction in the surrounding area – the most well known of these being the Mirvac development, Moreton Manor (i.e. the old Benevolent Society premises). The others are a new nine-story building at number 21–23 Ocean Street, and a nine-story apartment block at 38 Ocean Street.

28 The Beast | March 2017

“We have had our power cut off three times within the past few months,” one Ocean Street North resident, Kate Smith (not her real name), said. “Each time, notice was only given via a letter in the mail a few days before the planned outage.”

Naturally, Ms. Smith was affronted by the presumption that a company could completely inconvenience a large area of residential housing without providing them any compensation, or even advanced warning in the form of something more than a brief note in the mail.

“As you can imagine there are hundreds of people put out by doing this,” she said. “People rely on their power for a number of

reasons, i.e. parents of newborns or toddlers, the elderly, sick, and people who work from home (who lose a day or so worth of income), to mention a few.

“Also, food gets wasted in fridges, there have been faults with lifts, security systems, garage doors and a whole plethora of issues due to the power cuts.”

When Ms. Smith contacted Mirvac to complain about the power cuts affiliated with Moreton Manor, she was told that it was simply necessary to bring electricity to their development.

Undeterred, Ms. Smith called Ausgrid, which quickly pointed to the legality of its actions – a small disclaimer sits at the bottom of all power supply interruption notices from Ausgrid, saying: “Ausgrid is permitted to interrupt the supply of electricity in accordance with the applicable laws.”

When Ms. Smith contacted the electricity company doing the work, she was told that she had no hope in hell of putting an end to the disruptions now that the developers had moved in.

The Beast contacted Waverley Council for comment and were informed that: “Council is not aware specifically of this issue and we encourage residents to discuss directly with Ausgrid.”

On its website, Ausgrid justifies planned power interruptions.

“From time to time, we need to interrupt the power supply to safely carry out essential maintenance and upgrade work,” the website reads.

Evidently, what work is “necessary” remains ambiguous – could it simply be a coincidence that so much “necessary” work coincides with commercially funded developments, and that those who suffer are private owners and lessees?

One solution might be compensation for residents inconvenienced by planned power outages. At the very least, a more advanced notification system than “a notice in the mail at least four days before the outage” would be a good start.

BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi FOUR EXTRA WEEKDAY 389 BONDI BUS SERVICES Member for Vaucluse Gabrielle Upton has announced that bus customers in the Bondi area will get extra early morning Route 389 trips from North Bondi to Bondi Junction from February 13. “The local community asked for more services and now we are delivering them,” Ms. Upton said. Every weekday will see four new early morning trips added to Route 389, departing the Seven Ways in Bondi towards Bondi Junction between 5:30am and 7:00am. Excellent news for all you early risers!

BE A BONDI BANDIT Want to be sun-safe and ecofriendly, but also fashion-forward?

Amen. Bondi Bandits was started by two local girls, Annie Pryor and Amy Lynch, who have a passion for surfing and for giving back.

The Australian-made brand offers a range of cool surf rashies online to help protect our oceans and change lives for the better. They are

Summery scenes.

made from discarded fishing nets and other nylons, helping to keep our oceans clean. A percentage of each sale will be donated to Free to Shine, which helps to enroll kids in school and empower them with an education. For more information, visit www.bondibandits.com.au.

behaviour. Member for Vaucluse Gabrielle Upton and Member for Coogee Bruce-Notley-Smith urge community groups, councils, businesses and organisations to apply for a grant of up to $250,000 for ideas to boost local safety. Visit www.crimeprevention.nsw.gov.au.

WATER POLO BY THE SEA The world’s best water polo players are returning to Bondi Beach for Sydney’s hottest annual sporting event, Nexba Water Polo by the Sea. Held at the iconic Bondi Icebergs on Thursday, March 9, spectators can experience the live action as the Aussie Sharks take on the International All-Stars. Tickets are on sale now. Please visit www.waterpolobythesea.com.

NIPPERS FOR ALL Coogee Dippers is a collaboration between Autism Swim and Coogee Surf Life Saving Club, offering a modified nippers program to individuals with a disability or additional needs. The participants will be taught vital skill-development in a fun, supportive and safe environment. The program will run over four consecutive Sundays, starting at 8am and commencing on February 19. If you miss the first week or two you can still participate in the remaining weeks. Those interested in volunteering, becoming a sponsor of the event, or who know someone who might like to participate, please email the AS team at hello@autismswim.com.au.

FUNDING TO COMBAT EASTERN SUBURBS CRIME The Eastern Suburbs community is being encouraged to come forward to the NSW Government with solutions to help stamp out local crime and anti-social

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March 2017 | The Beast 31

From little things, big things grow.

RUNNERS REQUIRED IN QUEST TO SAVE TINY LIVES Words Catriona Stirrat Picture Simon Mara

I

f you ever need to define doing something worthwhile, Sophie Smith and her ‘Running for Premature Babies’ (RFPB) group should be your point of reference.

In this her 11th year entering a team in the Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon, she is aiming to attract 500 participants to pull on the synonymous purple RFPB singlet on May 21.

Gathering 500 runners would “mean the world” to Ms. Smith as it will help add to the impressive two million dollars she has already raised to save the lives of premature babies over the past decade.

These contributions have funded 28 pieces of life saving equipment and important research projects at the Royal Randwick Hospital for Women, but Ms. Smith knows there is still more work to be done to advance the care of premature babies and increase survival rates.

“I’ve seen firsthand that the new equipment provided by RFPB is saving the lives of babies 32 The Beast | March 2017

even smaller and sicker than my little triplets were,” Ms. Smith said. “Knowing that their legacy is enabling little babies to live is really wonderful.”

Having lost her own premature triplets, Ms. Smith is the epitome of positivity as she continues to raise funds for premature babies a decade later. She described RFPB as a “very positive and healing experience” as she is able to “prove that something good can come from even the greatest of tragedies”.

“I’m proud to be Henry, Jasper and Evan’s mum and I’m passionate about ensuring their lives matter and make a difference,” she said.

Ms. Smith’s motivation to gather 500 runners is “even greater” this year as she is driven not only by the loss her triplets, but also by that of her husband, Ash, who lost his battle with cancer last year. They had both looked forward to developing this group into a charity, which Ms. Smith is aiming to do this year.

You don’t need a personal connection to the cause to get behind it, and anyone harbouring doubts about their ability to run the 21-kilometre half marathon need only be reminded of the struggle of these premature babies to survive for inspiration.

Aside from the obvious life saving impact of running in the RFPB group, Ms. Smith said that her free training sessions held five days a week in Centennial Park, Queens Park and the city not only improve people’s fitness, but are a “great way to socialise with like-minded people before the event”, with many lifelong friendships formed within the group, and even a team wedding.

So dust off the sneakers and start your fitness regime today.

Doing so won’t only get your rig looking ripped, it might also help save the life of a tiny little baby.

To join the ‘Running for Premature Babies’ group and to find out more information about the cause, please visit www. runningforprematurebabies.com or contact Ms. Smith on 0410 620 149.

C'mon join the joyride.

RESCUES ARE A COSTLY RESOURCE Words Duncan Horscroft Picture Marie Fredriksson

T

he surf lifesaving movement is unique to Australia and its services are second to none as far as diligence, training and community relationships are concerned.

Over the long hot summer we have been inundated with pleas for donations to Surf Life Saving Australia (SLSA), both in the mainstream media and on the social networks.

There is even a ‘payWave’ setup on a bus shelter at Bondi Beach for $1.99 donations, and volunteers regularly man booths around shopping centres.

Over the past couple of months there has been a series of incidents around the Eastern Beaches, with two bodies being retrieved, as well as a cliff fall and a false alarm.

These incidents brought all the available rescue resources into operation, including the Toll Ambulance and Westpac SLSA helicopters, but at what cost?

The Westpac helicopter is vital for rescues and surveillance, and the Toll chopper is an airborne ambulance also vital for rescues and saving lives.

34 The Beast | March 2017

It is estimated the annual budget for the Westpac service is around $8 million, and Toll would be even higher as it is a bigger aircraft.

Adding to the rescue operations are fuel costs for police boats, rubber duckies, jet-skis and the offshore rescue boat, as well as the Ambulance and Police Rescue service and the actual police presence.

Admittedly the two unfortunate deaths did require a lot of manpower, as they were major incidents, but when all services are alerted to an alleged missing person at Tamarama, it seems a bit like overkill, particularly as there was no confirmation that a person was actually missing.

A volunteer lifesaver report set the full rescue wheel turning. The man was later found walking up Campbell Parade, but not before two helicopters were deployed, as well as two police boats and other water craft, which covered the coastline from North Bondi to Clovelly.

A week later two girls were stranded on the rock shelf near

Waverley Cemetery in benign conditions. It would have been a simple rescue with a jet-ski or rubber ducky, but neither the local Bronte lifesavers nor lifeguards were informed of the situation until after the Westpac helicopter was called in to winch the girls to safety, even though the offshore rescue boat was close to the action.

It was a terrible waste of resources and totally unnecessary given the circumstances.

If SLSA is serious about getting more support they should look at cutting costs where they’re not needed. There are other options available, with most volunteers and lifeguards more than capable of dealing with less intense situations.

Of course you can’t put a price on a human life, but the big guns only need to be brought in when needed.

The presence of the Westpac helicopter and other major SLSA resources are a spectacle when in action, but they should be more diligent when assessing a situation, which would go a long way towards cutting costs.

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Linear.

MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Georgia McCarthy Instagram @georgialeya COOGEE LOCAL WOMAN OF THE YEAR ANNOUNCED Congratulations to Associate Professor Leanne Zalapa, who has been announced as the 2017 Coogee Local Woman of the Year.

According to Member for Coogee Bruce Notley-Smith, “Leanne is an outstanding local woman who is a passionate advocate and lobbyist for health, philanthropy and fundraising in our community and across the state. As the founding CEO of Prince of Wales Hospital Foundation she has worked tirelessly for the foundation, which has delivered over $30 million dollars in support to the Prince of Wales Hospital, its staff and patients.” Great work, Leanne!

BOXING FOR GOOD On Friday, March 10 the Young Guns Foundation presents ‘Second to None’, an amateur boxing event where 100 per cent of money raised will be donated to two charities: Soldier On, which provides support and services to our returned soldiers and their families; and Network Kokoda, which honours

the legacy of the Kokoda wartime carriers by establishing sustainable projects in PNG. A number of ex-servicemen will be competing, as well as some popular locals from Bondi to Little Bay. Get along to the Inglis Complex at 1 Young Street, Randwick to see all the pugilistic action. Tickets will be $50 at the door. For more information, call Peter on 0408 145 029.

GLASS HALF FULL SoL Cups is a Bondi based, Australian family-owned company, born from a desire to make a reusable cup that is environmentally friendly and won’t compromise your health. These cups are made from hand blown glass, are chemical and plastic free, crystal clear and lightweight. For optimistic drinkers and half full thinkers only! Get yours today at www.solcups.com.

TASTE OF SYDNEY RETURNS TO CENTENNIAL PARK Taste of Sydney, in partnership with Electrolux, is excited to announce an unmissable line-up of Sydney’s latest and great-

est restaurants from new and noteworthy precincts, which will come together for the ultimate pop-up playground in Centennial Park from Thursday, March 9 to Sunday, March 12. Restaurants including Portēno, Gastro Park, Mercado Restaurant, Kensington Street Social, Saint Peter, Tequila Mockingbird, and many others will be cooking up a storm for your culinary pleasure. Tickets start at $25 and are available from www. ticketek.com.au/tasteofsydney.

GO FISH Member for Coogee Bruce NotleySmith is encouraging fishing and community groups to apply for NSW Recreational Fishing Trust grants to improve recreational fishing across the Eastern Suburbs.

This year $15 million has been allocated from the sale of recreational fishing licences to both freshwater and saltwater projects in 2016-17.

Notley-Smith said grants are available for both large projects involving more than $10,000 of funding, and smaller projects involving less than $10,000.

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March 2017 | The Beast 37

Fit machines.

LOCAL COUPLE TAKE ON IRON CENTURY FOR CHARITY Words Madeleine Gray Picture Paul Taylor

I

t’s very easy to think about doing ‘something for charity’, but turning this vague, altruistic aspiration into an actuality is another thing entirely.

However, action is in the blood of local couple Debi Hazelden and John Mergler.

The pair met back in 2014 at the infamous ‘Heartbreak Hill’ on New South Head Road, when Mr. Mergler, who was interested in ‘Everesting’ (cycling the height of Mt Everest), heard about a local lass who was already training to do just that.

“I went out to check it out and ended up running 10 hill repeats while she cycled,” Mr. Mergler said. ”A year later we got engaged on the same hill.”

“So the Eastern Suburbs is special to us for a number of reasons,” added Ms. Hazelden.

The couple now runs a triathlon club, ‘Million Miles Club’, out of Centennial Park, Clovelly Beach, and Victoria Park Pool. While they often train for specific events, they are just as passionate about keeping fit generally.

“We have people of all abilities training with us - from beginners through to experienced triathletes,” Ms. Hazelden said.

38 The Beast | March 2017

Not content with their current training regime, Ms. Hazelden and Mr. Mergler have now decided to channel their sporting prowess into raising money for the Red Cross. The pair is currently undertaking what they’ve dubbed the ‘Iron Century’.

“I am doing 100 half ironman distances every day while John is doing 100 full ironman distances every day for 100 days, raising funds for the Red Cross,” Ms. Hazelden said.

“My weekly totals will be 14km swimming, 630km cycling and 147km running, with a combined total of 190km swimming, 9,000km cycling and 2,100km running.

“John’s weekly totals will be 26.6km swimming, 1,260km cycling, 295.4km running with a combined total of 380km swimming, 18,000km cycling, 4,220km running.”

While the feat will be an exercise in self-regulation, stamina and tenacity, it’s also about inspiring people to donate to a good cause.

“It would be selfish to do this for ourselves, so we looked around for a great charity to support,” Mr. Mergler said. “We felt we needed

to create something that was helping people outside of Australia, who were in immediate crisis through no fault of their own.

“Red Cross shines a beacon for historically helping displaced people and people in crisis.

“Our target for the 100 days is $100,000. So far we’ve raised over $15,000.”

Ms. Hazelden’s experience as a new mother to seven month-old Ryder is also part of her inspiration.

She told The Beast that she wants to show other new mothers that motherhood and keeping an exercise regime are not incompatible.

“As a new mum, you need to try and keep something for yourself, some time for you to be you,” she said. “For me this is triathlon, something I was passionate about before Ryder was born; for others it could be getting back in the pool, getting the yoga mat back out or putting those dancing shoes back on.”

Ms. Hazelden and Mr. Mergler are lucky enough to be supported in their endeavor by a number of local businesses, but they’ll need your help to reach the $100,000 goal. You can donate at www. tricharity.com/fundraisers/IronCenturyTeam.

The year is in full swing now and here at Council we are already getting our ducks in a row for the new financial year. I am pleased to say that Randwick City remains in a strong and stable position. We have been debt free for over ten years, meaning we are well-placed to forge ahead with our exciting capital works projects and improving facilities and services for the betterment of the community.

A vital part of Council’s budget process is gathering feedback and ideas from residents as to how our resources would best be allocated. This year we are giving you even more time to get involved. Council welcomes and values your input so visit yoursay.randwick.nsw.gov.au to contribute to the discussion.

There are some great events coming up to help you celebrate the last burst of warm weather. The Spot in Randwick will once again come alive with music, food and dancing for The Spot Festival on 5 March. Bring your family and friends to enjoy one of Sydney’s best free events. We will also celebrate Earth Hour on 25 March with the Earth Hour Twilight Picnic & Market at Randwick Community Centre Village Green. Now in its 10th year, Earth Hour is about much more than switching the lights off. Visit our website to learn how you can make every hour Earth Hour.

Councillor Noel D’Souza Mayor of Randwick 1 March Backyard Aquaponics 9:30am-1:00pm Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda Street, Randwick

10 March Table Tennis For Fun 1:00pm-3:00pm Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

4 March Nursery Autumn Saturday Sale 9:00am-4:00pm Randwick Community Nursery 2B Barker Street, Kingsford

24 March Sea Side Singers 2:00pm-4:00pm Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

5 March The Spot Festival 2017 1:00pm-8:00pm Corner of Perouse Road and St Pauls Street Randwick

25 March Earth Hour Twilight Picnic & Market 5:00pm-9:00pm Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda Street, Randwick

1300 722 542 council@randwick.nsw.gov.au www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: SOUTH MAROUBRA BEACH

Due for a cull.

BACKPACKERS TO BE SLAUGHTERED FOR STEALING MILLION DOLLAR VIEWS Satire Kieran Blake Picture Stuart Hutton

E

astern Beaches residents are arming themselves to the teeth in preparation for a mass slaughter of backpackers, who continue to ruin their exclusive waterfront views.

Beachfront residents will eradicate the pesky travellers as part of ‘The Younger Games’, the most exciting and anticipated offering on Sydney’s entertainment calendar.

Residents, property developers and chambers of commerce were ecstatic at the launch of the new event, which they claim is long overdue.

“Eastern Beaches residents slave away for years in order to afford their piece of paradise,” announced a spokesperson for the event.

“It is thus their right to enjoy their views uninterrupted and unspoilt by lazy, unkempt, freeloading backpackers.”

A conglomeration of real estate agents also expressed their delight at any initiative that maintains the rapid ascension of the region’s property prices.

“This is why many realty organisations are so proud to sponsor the event,” one agent said.

40 The Beast | March 2017

When the games begin next month, backpackers who park their vehicles between any patch of water or greenery and a multimillion dollar property run the risk of being indiscriminately executed.

Irate locals will compete against residents of neighbouring suburbs, employing one or more of the following methods: • Chopping off limbs • Drilling holes into the person’s legs • Removing a ring of skin from the torso • Injecting a poisonous substance directly into the body • Hacking them to pieces with a chainsaw, axe, machete, etc.

Bloodied and dismembered cadavers will then be hung from lamp posts as a warning to future intruders before the bodies are put to rest in Waverley Cemetery, where they can no longer enjoy spectacular views.

The vehicles of the deceased backpackers will then be converted into mobile food trucks serving ‘Filthy Fusion’, which is essentially dishes containing all of the ingre-

dients left in the van at the time of slaughter.

The rustic food trucks will operate from the same location in which the backpackers had stationed them, so that customers might savour the breathtaking and sumptuous views while snacking on some creative cuisine.

The price of food does not, however, include the ensuing parking fine.

The backpackers themselves will not be forgotten. Every time one is killed, their image will appear on the Tourism Australia website above the caption: “So Where the Bloody Hell Are Ya?” An anonymous local dining at a popular beachside café reacted harshly to condemnation of the killings, which are designed solely to protect million dollar views.

“Million dollar views? Please darling! These days a million dollars buys you a view of a carport in Sefton,” she said.

Politicians of all levels and persuasions also supported the cull, stating, “At least we won’t have to pay the backpacker tax.”

Mayor‘s Message Free Wi-Fi Update All residents and visitors can now enjoy our free internet service at Bondi, Bronte and Tamarama Beaches, as well as our Margaret Whitlam Recreation Centre and Waverley Library.

Our free Wi-Fi has been available since last year and has been a great success, with over 160,000 individual users of the service across the three beaches, and an average session duration of about 56 minutes.

Over the coming months, we will continue with our rollout of free Wi-Fi. The next locations will be in Bondi Junction, particularly around Oxford Street Mall. Please head to waverley.nsw.gov.au for more information.

Street Libraries I’m delighted to see so many people throughout Waverley utilising our new street libraries. We’ve installed street libraries at Bondi Public School, within our urban lounges in Spring Street, Oxford Street and Norman Lee Place in Bondi Junction, in Warners Avenue and at Bondi Beach. Thank you to the students at Bondi Public School, and those in the community who helped us paint the pop-up libraries. I encourage everyone to take the time to read some of the books available, and share your books with others.

Sally Betts, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PhONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

Events Jazz @the Pav

Jazz @ The Pav 3–24 March

BONDI PAVILION THEATRE

MARCH 2017

Jazz @ The Pav is a monthlong celebration of Jazz music at the Bondi Pavilion Theatre in March.

Featuring a star studded line-up of Sydney’s finest musicians, you are invited to sit back, relax and have a drink at one of Sydney’s finest locations, whilst enjoying music from: • Matt McMahon Trio, featuring Virna Sanzone – Friday 3 March • Sirens Big Band – Wednesday 8 March • The Catholics – Friday 17 March • The Greasy Chicken Orchestra – Friday 24 March For more information and to book please visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/ music For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Connect with us:

March 2017 MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

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MOONLIGHT CINEMA The Moonlight Cinema on the lawns of the Belvedere Amphitheatre in Centennial Park screens advance previews, contemporary, cult and classic movies. And there’s a bar. For more information, tickets and screening times, please visit www.moonlight.com.au.

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PRIMARY ETHICS BRONTE Primary Ethics provides access to philosophical education for children who do not attend religion or scripture classes. Help out by training to become a Primary Ethics teacher, a classroom support team member, or a general administrator.

Visit www.primaryethics.com.au.

FRENCH FILM FESTIVAL Today is the first day of the 2017 Allianz French Film Festival, which runs until March 30.

Tonight at 7:30pm head to the Chauvel in Paddington for festival opener, ‘The Odyssey.’ For tickets and more information, please visit www.affrenchfilmfestival.org.

VIRTUAL VOLUNTEERING Want to volunteer, but don’t want or are not able to commute? Why not register for the UN’s virtual volunteering program, where volunteers assist with sustainable human development programs over the phone or Internet? Learn more at www.onlinevolunteering.org/en/vol.

‘CAROL’ @ MARDI GRAS FILM FEST Did you miss Cate Blanchett’s infamous ‘glove lunch’ on the big screen? If so, the Mardi Gras Film Festival has got your back. Screening at Event Cinemas George Street at 6:30pm tonight, it’s a cult classic for lezzies and heteros alike.

Visit www.queerscreen.com.au.

WHO BOMBED THE HILTON? On February 13, 1978 a bomb exploded outside the Sydney Hilton.

At the Bondi Pavilion Theatre at 6:30pm tonight, Rachel Landers speaks to author Suzanne Leal as she wrestles with the evidence to unravel this complex cold case. Tickets are $10 at eventbrite.com.au.

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY International Women's Day celebrates the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. The theme for this year is #BeBoldForChange. That means stepping up and protesting the normalisation of misogyny in public policy and social norms. Do it!

ROOSTERS VERSUS BULLDOGS Tonight at 8:05pm at Allianz Stadium, watch the Roosters battle against the Bulldogs in the second round of the 2017 NRL Premiership. The Chooks were hopeless last year, but The Beast is tipping them for the top 4 in 2017. Tickets at www.roosters.com.au.

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HARMONY DAY Harmony Day celebrates Australia’s cultural diversity. It’s about inclusiveness, respect and a sense of belonging for everyone. Get involved by hosting an event with your workplace, school, or local community, and register it at www.harmony.gov.au.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST @ THE RITZ As part of the Ritz’s ‘Girls’ Night Out’ series, head to your favourite Randwick cinema tonight to see whether pop feminist Emma Watson can mitigate the blatant Stockholm syndrome and zoophilia vibes that emanate from this classic children’s tale.

SOCCEROOS FIFA QUALIFIER Head to Allianz Stadium at 8pm tonight to see Australia face off against the United Arab Emirates in a qualifier that will help decide who will get to play in the FIFA 2018 World Cup. With any luck you’ll also get to see Tim Cahill shadow box a corner post.

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO FOOD? Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is a free program for anyone suffering from food obsession, overeating, under-eating or bulimia.

Meetings are held every Wednesday and Friday at the Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra.

Visit www.foodaddicts.org.

AUTHOR TALK: ROSANNA GONSALVES From 6:30 – 8pm tonight, join author Roanna Gonsalves at the Waverley Library Theatrette as she unearths the aspirations and ambivalence of 21st century immigrants, steering through clashes of cultures, trials of faith, and squalls of racism.

Register at eventbrite.com.au.

CRYPTIC CROSSWORD GROUP Do you hate dummies? Do people who don’t get etymological jokes piss you off ? Then we’ve found the place for you. The Cryptic Crossword Group meets in the Library Theory Room at Waverley Library today at 10am. Call 9803 8777 for more details.

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Now you can upload all your local events for free

Carpenter Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Builder/Electrician Matthew Olive Sydney Power House 8007 4229

FRIDAY

3 10 17 24 31

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

4 5 11 12 18 25 26

JAZZ @ THE PAV Kicking off a month-long celebration of jazz music at the Bondi Pavilion Theatre, tonight you can see one of Australia’s most distinguished jazz and soul artists, Sanzone, rock out alongside pianist Matt McMahon and his trio. Tickets are $20 at eventbrite.com.au.

MARDI GRAS PARADE Join thousands of spectators lining the route as 10,000 people parade with pride along Oxford and Flinders Streets with lavish floats, satirical statements and spectacular costumes. Whether you identify as LGBTQI or ally, all are welcome.

Visit www.mardigras.org.au.

SPOT FESTIVAL Now in its 10th year, Randwick’s biggest free outdoor festival combines the very best that the local area has to offer in food and shopping with an entertainment program that will have you on your feet and dancing to the beat. Visit www.thespotfestival.com.au.

TASTE OF SYDNEY RETURNS The world’s greatest restaurant festival, Taste of Sydney, returns to Centennial Park from March 9-12 this year for four days of foodie heaven. Restaurants featuring this year include Gastro Park and Porteno. For more info, please visit www.tasteofsydney.com.au.

LIVE THEATRE AT THE RITZ Get some culture into you this Sunday afternoon at 2:30pm by heading to the Randwick Ritz for a screening of Bernard Shaw’s classic play ‘Saint Joan’, streamed live from the Donmar Warehouse in London. Book your tickets at www.ritzcinema.com.au.

MARTHA WAINRIGHT AT THE OAF Martha Wainright is the real deal.

Tonight at the Oxford Art Factory she will be performing tracks from her new album, ‘Goodnight City’.

With songs co-written by the likes of Glen Hansard and Rufus Wainright, it’s magic waiting to happen.

Visit www.oxfordartfactory.com.

THE CATHOLICS AT JAZZ @ THE PAV Next on the Jazz @ the Pav bill this month is one of Australia's most distinctive contemporary groups, ARIA-nominated seven-piece ensemble The Catholics. They play tonight at the Bondi Pavilion from 8pm. You can book a ticket for $25 at eventbrite.com.au.

WORLD’S GREATEST SHAVE Australians from all walks of life can do something amazing to help beat blood cancer by signing up for the Leukaemia Foundation’s ‘World’s Greatest Shave’, which runs from March 16 –19. Sign up now at worldsgreatestshave.com or by calling 1800 500 088.

THE GREASY CHICKEN ORCHESTRA The final instalment of the month-long Jazz @ the Pav series takes place tonight at 7pm at the Bondi Pavilion Theatre. Enjoy the 1920s/30s swing of New Orleans with the Greasy Chicken Orchestra, which will delight those who are keen to groove their Friday night away.

SYDNEY SWANS' SEASON BEGINS After getting done by the Doggies in last year’s AFL grand final, the Swans return to the SCG today at 4.35pm for their first clash of the season.

Visit www.sydneyswans.com.au.

EARTH HOUR Don't forget to switch off your lights from 8.30-9.30pm tonight!

SRI CHINMOY HALF-MARATHON Sunday mornings are usually spent in bed, reading the newspaper, getting crumbs on the couch. Not this week! Jog down to Centennial Park and compete in a 4km, 7km or 21.1km running race. You’d be mad not to. You can register at www.registernow.com.au.

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WRESTLEMANIA ANNIVERSARY On this day in 1985, the first WrestleMania, the biggest wrestling event from the WWE (then the WWF), took place in Madison Square Garden in New York City.

The 33rd incarnation of Wreslemania will take place in Orlando on April 2. Yep, it’s still going.

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Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Building Design Todd Maguire Design Solutions Ph: 0405 617 428

Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Plumber Matt Scott Surfside Plumbing Ph: 0450 391 734 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concretor Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

Life Imitates Art

DION HORSTMANS Interview Dan Hutton Picture Tim Jones Instagram @timmarkjones

Where are you originally from?

I was born in New Zealand and then I spent half of my childhood between New Zealand and the Cook Islands. My father's Niuean, so from a little rock called Niue in the middle of the Pacific Ocean between the Cook Islands and Fiji.

How did you come to live on the shores of Bondi? I had travelled around the world and I was in Indonesia and my three months was up. I needed to get out and Darwin was the closest port. I didn't want to go back to New Zealand. I arrived in Darwin on a Dutch passport that said I was born in New Zealand.

They gave me a two-week visa on entry and I left Darwin, worked my way down the coast and eventually arrived in Bondi. I’ve now been in Bondi for 25 years.

Do you reckon you'll ever leave? If I'm living in Sydney, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else but Bondi.

What do you love about the Eastern Beaches, particularly Bondi? It's a wild, rugged ocean beach at the end of the street. It's 15 minutes from the CBD. It's multicultural; it's got any number of different cultural dialects and languages at any given time. On the sand everyone's equal; you could be running with a billionaire or a baker, everyone's doing the same f**king hard slog.

Where are your favourite haunts in the Bondi area? Bondi's best-kept secrets are best kept secret. If you were to ask me where I was to

hang at the beach I would probably direct you to the ‘grassy knoll’ at the north end of the beach, because I never go there. If I have to share, I love Sean's Panaroma, I love the boat ramp, I love Icebergs, and I love Da Orazio.

What grinds your gears about the area? We live in a populated area; park with consideration for others.

It’s a no-brainer.

Bondi's obviously changed a lot over the 25 years that you've been there; has it changed for better or worse? I think ultimately the biggest difference between 25 years ago and now is the demographic of people living here. Now it's more owner occupied. It used to be more rentals. That was always going to happen. I don't think it's for better or worse. Bondi is what it is. In winter it’s a little local village, and in summer it's a pumping beach. If you get the shits with it, leave.

Given that you’ve been living in Australia for more than half your life, do you still identify as a Kiwi? Only when the All Blacks are playing. Other than that I'm Australian. I live here. I've got kids here. I've got parking permits and tax. A life. I suppose the other main difference between Australia and New Zealand is history – New Zealand’s indigenous integration, mostly. I think for Australians it's a vicious cycle of denial. Indigenous Australians have been here for a long, long time, and Australia’s human rights record isn’t great.

But New Zealand really celebrates

its Maori history, and it’s got the Treaty of Waitangi, which is a fast read, but it's still a treaty.

You've long been known as the bald-headed, bearded bloke with the chiselled rig running soft sands down at Bondi, but now you’re also recognised as a renowned sculptor; how did you first get into sculpture? I've always drawn and I've always aspired to be an artist.

I dropped out of art school really early; I didn't really have any formal training. Then in 1996 a mate of mine, Aaron Crothers, gave me the confidence to work three dimensionally. Since 96, which is also when my first daughter was born, I haven't looked back. I started in a very organic, kind of figurative place. I was bronze casting, but the cost of bronze casting was so inhibitive that I had to find another way to generate cash to do that. I went off on this other kind of abstract geometric tangent.

When did you first decide you were going to become a full-time artist?

I was working on [the film] Superman as a props maker. A mate of mine, Rory Unite, who is an incredibly talented sculptor, said he was going to leave film and go and do his own thing. I was like, "Get the hell out of here; how do you get to do that and I don't?"

Is it just coincidence that your studio/workspace is next to a props workspace? Funnily enough I was doing a job for an advertising agency and they wanted me to act in an ad for them. The guys who'd March 2017 | The Beast 45

made the props for the set had a place next door up for lease. Bang.

I took their space, and then my current space became available and I jumped in there.

Have you done much acting? I've done a little bit of acting. It's not what I want to do, but it helped pay the bills. I was doing everything. I'd do a campaign for Wonder White bread, I'd do vodka, gin, beer, anything to pay bills, just to supplement my art. The materials and finishes are expensive. Then you've got rent on top of that.

How many years did it take you to become an overnight success?

Things really kicked off for me in 2013. The last four years have been hectic. I got two public commissions, then I got picked up by a gallery in Melbourne. Momentum started to pick up. Architects started to see my work develop. I won a public commission in Bondi, in the Adina on Hall Street. I've got two pieces hanging in there.

At the same time I got a massive commission down in Melbourne, which didn't go to tender; I was directly approached by the owner.

It was fantastic. The one in Melbourne is 85 metres long. It's 30 tonnes of steel. It's a massive thing.

At around the same time Instagram came online. A mate of mine said, "You should be on Instagram, dude!" I kind of embraced it. It’s an amazing platform.

To really make a career out of art, do you have to be a bit of a selfpromoter as well? I think to make a career out of art now you've got to be prepared to stand in front of a camera, or you've got to be prepared to do interviews and blogs.

You've really got to push it. You've got to be proactive. The landscape's changed with galleries. It's great to be represented, but at the same time it's not everything. You've go to take the bull by the horns and have a real go.

What do you think it is about your geometric sculptures that appeals to people? Geometry is 46 The Beast | March 2017

pretty amazing. I think it's the bold, strong lines. I don't know.

Nowadays it’s as much about being the face of your own ‘brand’, too.

On my Facebook page I describe myself as ten foot tall and bulletproof. That's kind of how I roll.

My catchphrase is ‘F**k Yeah’.

‘F**k Yeah’ is not coming from a place of anywhere but excitement.

My zest for life. It's like, I'll have a go at that. Damn straight I will.

Why not?

How did you hone your skills? In the prop shop I learned everything - fibreglass, plastic, steel, timber. I bullshitted my way into that gig. Someone asked me if I could do it and I went, "Yeah." I went into the workshop and the boss wasn't there. I walked up to this dude who was running the workshop and he had no hair on his body. The first thing I asked him was, "Have you got cancer or something, dude?" He was like, "No, I've got alopecia." I was like, "What's that?" He goes, "All my hair fell out of my head and all over my body. I've got one hair on my left nut, you want to see it?" I was like, "No, I don't want to see that." Then I asked him how to use a table saw and I listened. I made mistakes, I learnt. My point being, don’t let your pride get in the way; stay humble.

Growing up, you must have had some idea that you had some man skills, right? As a kid I drew lots, and I used to make little model houses for my Action Men. I'd get a bunch of matchbox cars and I'd strip them down and make them into completely different cars. I made guns out of wood, too.

Do you have a favourite commission that you've worked on? No, I loved working on all of them. Every one has got its own challenge.

I love residential commissions as much as I do public work. I just love making.

What inspires you to create art?

My work itself is self-generated.

It inspires itself, so it's never-

ending. What I can do with one thing is continually evolving. You have thousands of ideas in nanoseconds, but to realise an idea takes hundreds of hours. That's what inspires me to keep the momentum, to keep moving, to keep selfexploring and reflecting on a piece.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Have you ever entered Sculpture by the Sea? Yeah. I've done five of them, but I've been knocked back more than I've exhibited. I'm a big fan of what [founder] David Handley and what Sculpture by the Sea has created and done for three-dimensional artists, and artists across the board. I think it's a great thing. I think David's vision was incredible. Five million people are going to see these artworks.

Heaps of them are kids under the age of 12. If one of those kids goes out and becomes an artist it's a good thing.

Do you think that the arts in Australia deserve more funding, or do artists need to create more works that people want to pay for? I'm kind of in the second camp. I've never had a grant or any help from the government. I've never asked for it. The amount of paperwork is enough of a deterrent. There are serial artists who go for grants and spend all their time doing paperwork. But, obviously, the more money spent on arts and education the better – probably education before art, though.

You've got an exhibition coming up in March with legendary Bondi-based photographer Tim Jones; how did you two come to work together, and what’s the exhibition all about? Tim and I have known each other for 10 years. We met through a mutual friend of ours and we've run in the sand together, and we've swum, and Tim's taken photographs of me and my daughters. I really love working with Tim. It's hard standing in front of a camera, and Tim makes me feel very comfortable. I think our collaboration just comes from the ‘F**k Yeah’ mantra.

Sore Back?

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March 2017 | The Beast 47

Tim came to me with an idea and I gave him some offcuts of sculptures, then he came back with the founding works for the show that we've got, Kaleidoscope Series 1, and from there we've developed it and workshopped it over a couple of weekends.

I suppose for me initially I loved the fact that my sculptures are represented horizontally [in the photos] as opposed to how we shot them. For me they're much more warrior-like than sculptural, in a sense. They're kind of warrior type pieces based on Battlestar Galactica and tribal masks, or samurai soldiers, or Transformers. I think they're very strong, bold and beautiful.

Why should people go to the exhibition and buy the works? You get to go along and drink some free beer and check out some art.

The exhibition is being held at M2 Gallery, at 4/450 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills. It’s beautiful and it’ll be fun.

The names of your artworks often reference speed and motion; what are you seeking to portray in your work? When I name the works, mostly, it's about speed or space or exploration. I want my works to feel like they have a certain amount of tension to them. It’s the same with the works in the new exhibition. There's a lot of tension within the work; they're not just static images of samurai masks.

They hold you.

How do you stay motivated and productive in the workshop?

It’s called ‘discipline’. I turn up every day and put the time in. If I’m struggling to create or finish a piece I’ll clean the workshop.

Mostly I just work; I try to stay focussed. Going to the gym helps.

It gives you the energy to stay clean and focussed. Being in the workshop, I come here every day; it’s a job. If I'm not creating I'm not earning, and then I'm going hungry. I like to eat three meals a day, and if I'm going hungry that's not good. I never bought into the 48 The Beast | March 2017

struggling artist thing. I look at it as being a privilege.

Speaking of sculptures, you look like you're chiselled from stone; what's the secret to staying in such good shape when you're approaching fifty years of age?

Don't drink too many beers, or any beer, and train every day. I had 13 years without a drink, but I was fit before that. I became fit as an adult. I wasn't a sporty kid at all, by any means. At the moment I'm training twice a day, six days a week. I like being strong and fit and healthy, but the other thing is I spend all day on my own. Going to the gym and training with a couple of mates is how I debrief. I'm on my own all day, and the dialogue's internal all day. Training gets me out of my head.

You've got two daughters from your first marriage; how do you find balancing work and family?

It’s a really tough one. Work's my life and my life is my work, but my family are incredibly important. My daughters have grown up now, and I'm just an ATM to them these days - "Dad, can you pay for this? Dad, can you pay for that?". But I’m there for them. I love being a dad, and I miss being a dad to young kids; I really do.

I think my wife Grace and I will have a child early next year, with a bit of luck, and I look forward to that a lot.

Tell us about your cars, because you're a bit of a car man, aren't you? I like American V8s; actually, I just like V8s. They feel really good. They make a great sound.

I've got a 64 Pontiac, which I love.

I've had it for 21 years. And then I’ve got the F-Truck, the big Ford F-100, which is just proportionally really beautiful. I think they're really brutal, but tough, functional. But when you've got a baby, you get a family car. You get a Subaru, a Toyota, or something safe, with airbags and ABS brakes and air conditioning and electric everything. I might be in for a few changes, or additions.

Do you have any advice for young people looking to make a career in the arts, particularly sculpture?

Yeah, don't do it. Don't do it. Go back to accounting, merchant banking. Ultimately, if you're doing it then you're in direct competition to me. I would rather you spend your money on me than take away from me (laughs). I suppose the only advice I would have would be that you've got to be prepared to work really hard, and you've got to be thick skinned. Art is subjective; some people love it and some people hate it. No one's going to love all of your work.

Do you have any role models? I have a lot of role models. My role models are everyday guys. Tim Jones, for example. Tim's a super talented guy with a fantastic eye.

My role models are everyday guys that I am in contact with on a daily basis or a weekly basis. They're my mates.

Do you support any charities?

I support a charity based out of Melbourne that builds schools in Africa. I donate a couple of artworks to them a year, which they auction off. Other than that, I try to support local indigenous causes rather than things overseas.

I think that support needs to start at home.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Dion Horstmans?

Another child. A bigger truck. I'd like to be working in the States three months a year. Not their summer, probably their winter, based out of LA. I want to keep producing art, and bigger and better things. I want to be constantly challenged. I want to be doing what I'm doing. I'm not taking that for granted. What more can I want? I'm living the dream.

You can check out Dion and Tim’s first exhibition of collaborative works, Kaleidoscope Series 1, from March 22 to 28 at M2 Gallery, Shop 4/450 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills.

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March 2017 | The Beast 49

One hour of [no] power.

RUPERT’S FORAY INTO FEEL-GOOD ENVIRONMENTALISM Words Rupert Truscott-Hughes Picture Bernie Coleman

C

an you believe it is ten years since the world stopped and switched off their lights and other electrical appliances for one whole hour for the first time as part of the inaugural Earth Hour event? And did you know that Earth Hour is still happening on an annual basis?

Probably not - the hype kind of wore off pretty quickly after the first one, and even more so after a bunch of academics completely debunked its effectiveness in reducing CO2 emissions. Yep, those paraffin-based candles you’re lighting are probably producing more emissions than the fancy LED light bulbs you just switched off in an act of feel-good environmentalism.

How good does that make you feel?

Since it’s first incarnation as a global event in 2008, the planet has kept heating up, ice caps continue to melt, species disappear, and climate change deniers keep on denying. Has the world become a better, greener place in the decade that’s lapsed since Earth 50 The Beast | March 2017

Hour Mk1? I think not.

Of course the good folk who keep the Earth Hour wheels turning now stress that the hour-long excursion into the dark ages is purely an act of symbolism rather than an exercise in energy reduction. According to the Global FAQ page on the Earth Hour website, it’s “an initiative to encourage individuals, businesses and governments around the world to take accountability for their ecological footprint and engage in dialogue and resource exchange that provides real solutions to our environmental challenges. Participation in Earth Hour symbolises a commitment to change beyond the hour.” Sounds like a bit of a cop-out to me.

In my opinion, one of the best things about Earth Hour, if not the only good thing, is that it started right here in the harbour city. Yep, the first Earth Hour event was actually held in Sydney back in 2007 (so technically this year is Earth

Hour’s 11-year anniversary for us Sydneysiders). If there is one thing this country is good at, it’s pointless symbolism, and you need only look as far as the top left corner of our national flag for confirmation.

With all this in mind, it might surprise you that Rupert here does actually participate in Earth Hour each year, and I will most certainly be switching off my lights from 8.30pm to 9.30pm on Saturday, March 25. Not only do I enjoy the subsequent savings on my power bill and the feel-good factor that comes with pretending I’m doing something positive for the planet, it’s also the best night of the year to switch off the lights and spy on my sultry, recently single, often scantily clad next door neighbour, who is way out of my league and, thankfully, far too aloof to even realise that Earth Hour is taking place, meaning her house will most certainly be well illuminated.

Now where did I leave those binoculars?

DO YOU STILL PARTICIPATE IN EARTH HOUR OR HAS THE NOVELTY WORN OFF? Words and Pictures Catriona Stirrat

Aaron CLOVELLY

Bree BRONTE

I would participate in Earth Hour because any awareness for climate change is a positive thing.

People are so busy that they don’t have time to take note of their daily energy use.

Sarah BONDI

I’m a keen environmentalist, so I believe in Earth Hour and I think everybody should do it, but it's just an awareness campaign and people need to employ some of these initiatives longer term.

Billy COOGEE

I participate each year. It’s fun to try and go without electricity for an hour, especially since we rely on technology so much nowadays.

If it’s going to make people think more about the environment then I think it's a good thing.

I forget that it exists because there isn’t enough awareness, but I think it is a good initiative. One hour can make a big difference, but perhaps not as much in the long term compared to if it were to happen every day.

Nick COOGEE

The novelty has worn off and that’s a shame.

People have forgotten about it.

While I think it is always a token effort, it's still good because it's a reminder to people about the importance of protecting the environment.

Amanda WAVERLEY

I used to participate when there were flags and adverts around, but I don’t see much about it anymore.

It's important; if we switch off the lights for Earth Hour we consume less electricity and diminish our footprint.

March 2017 | The Beast 51

tive and anti-social behaviour, but there has to be a better way to do so than totally banning alcohol.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? The Sydney High First XV and the Maltese National Cycling Team - I have been a member of both.

What music are you into at the moment? I'm into local emerging musicians. It's who we feature and support at Old Dave's Soul.

I'm digging Balko, Hiaground, Cleveland Dreamers, Doko, Oscar & The Grouches and Mesmeriser, to name just a few.

Who is your favourite person? My family are my favourite people, but my nan and my mum are my heroes. They came to Australia with nothing and what they have achieved provides inspiration to me every day.

Heart of gold.

LOCAL BLOKE...

DAVE TREACY FROM NORTH BONDI Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks

N

orth Bondi resident Dave Treacy is the owner of new Coogee live music restaurant and bar, Old Dave’s Soul. He shares his local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here? I feel like the Eastern Suburbs has been home forever; I spent my childhood here with our family business located around the area. I only moved to Randwick 13 years ago, and relocated to Bondi three years ago.

What's your favourite beach?

Clovelly would have to win out for me. Some of my best memories are from times spent there.

What's your favourite eatery? I like Out of the Blue in Clovelly and

52 The Beast | March 2017

Gould St Deluxe in North Bondi.

Both are down to earth businesses focussed on doing good stuff. I think we do a pretty amazing pizza down at Old Dave's Soul too, if I do say so myself.

Where do you like to have a drink?

I think Frankie's Pizza in the city sets the benchmark for bars in Sydney for live music, and Blu Bar on 36 at the Shangri-La Hotel is breathtaking.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? All the people who have my heart live here.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Total alcohol bans. I'm all for banning unruly, destruc-

What do you get up to on the weekends? I don't get much time off on the weekends as that’s when Old Dave's Soul is at its busiest, but I do love to spend time with my kids, or cycling.

What do you do for work? I own Old Dave's Soul, a live music restaurant and bar in Coogee. I also run a division in a construction company with one of my best mates during the day.

What's your favourite thing about work? Doing good things with good people that make an impact.

Whether this is delivering our pizzas to the city's homeless every week, giving awesome emerging local musicians a chance, or making our customers' day.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Do what you believe is right to the best of your ability every single day.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Follow your heart, do whatever makes you smile and show those you love how you feel.

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Making the best of life.

LOCAL CHICK... MARIE HERITAGE FROM BONDI BEACH Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks

S

ales and marketing executive turned online entrepreneur Marie Heritage has been living in Bondi Beach for the best part of six years. She shares her local favourites with The Beast…

The place is cool and the view is terrific.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It has everything - beach, food, fashion, and more.

working in hospitality, and I’m the founder of the French Lab, a retail e-shop offering clothing and accessories that I have sourced from Paris. You can check it out by visiting www.thefrenchlab.com.

How long have you lived here? Six years in one of the best spots on the planet!

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Can I say too many tourists in summer?

What's your favourite thing about work? Being proud of what I have achieved at the end of each day.

What’s your favourite beach?

Bondi Beach – I love the view from Ben Buckler, where I was married. I also love random places like the secluded beaches of the Hawkesbury River, down south around Ulladulla, and up north of Port Macquarie.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I’m definitely supporting the Swans for the big games.

Who is your favourite person?

Politics aside, Michelle Obama inspires me. She has managed to build her own strong identity and not be known as ‘the wife of the President’. She talks honestly about her life and challenges, and she is not afraid of any ridiculous situation.

What's your favourite eatery?

It’s so hard to choose. My closest favourites are Vue Bar, Pompei's, and pretty much all the local burger joints.

Where do you like to have a drink?

On Sunday afternoon we love getting together with a bunch of friends at the North Bondi RSL. 54 The Beast | March 2017

What music are you into at the moment? Léon, Léon and Léon, on repeat.

What do you get up to on the weekends? I spend heaps of time with my husband, my kids and my friends enjoying the outdoors beach, walk, skate park, anything in front of the ocean. I’ve also been working on developing my new company.

What do you do for work? I’m a sales and marketing executive

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will’.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? You’ve only got one life and it is short, so don't have any regrets and make the absolute best of it!

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Paddington

Randwick

Rose Bay

That big yellowtail grin.

UNDER THE PUMP Words and Picture Dan Trotter

L

ife’s a fine balance, isn’t it?

When you’ve got time to twiddle your thumbs you find yourself wishing you were busier.

And when you’re flat chat with work and life commitments you find yourself dreaming of a slower pace with time for contemplation, daydreaming and fishing. As the old cliché goes, be careful what you wish for.

These last few weeks I’ve scarcely had time to think of fishing, let alone plan trips on the wide blue yonder. Fortunately I had a couple of cracking days chasing solid kings off to Sydney in late January and early February, the joy of which brought about grins so big you couldn’t wipe them off with a slap across the face from a big yellowtail!

March is an epic month for chasing all manner of species out off the big smoke we call home.

Whether you’re into land-based angling, inshore antics in small boats, or big boat missions chasing big fish, March is the month to find a time amongst the chaos to get out and go fishing.

There’s sure to be plenty of big mahi mahi and some decent mar-

56 The Beast | March 2017

lin on the cobalt currents. Closer to land, the red flanked snapper have been providing delight for anglers young and old who are prepared to brave the offshore change of light in the hope a big fish may bite. This year’s run of mulloway, whilst elusive for most of us, has also been providing scrumptious meals - in the harbour, off the beaches and on a select number of the 30-50 metre reefs too.

Throughout the estuaries there will be plenty of bread and butter species to tangle with. Get out and flick softies for lizards, or mirco surface stickbaits for bream and whiting in the shallows. Better still, why not target the marauding schools of pelagics busting up the surface waters in a quiet bay or inlet?

One thing is for sure this season: there are more luderick in our waterways than I’ve ever seen before.

If you’re partial to a bit of weed, while away an afternoon twisting some onto your hook and waiting patiently for the ‘down’ of your pencil float. Use a mix of sand and cabbage weed as berley to bring the fish into your zone, and embrace

the delight and anticipation of this ‘old favourite’ style of fishing.

March is also the month for setting a few crab pots, either on the sandy straights of your local estuary or in the mangrove-lined stretches of the rivers and creeks that feed into the larger waterways.

Fishing aside, in amongst all the craziness of earning a quid to keep a roof over my head, I recently had the true pleasure of hearing from the man who put the natural world in the forefront of the minds of three generations: David Attenborough. I’m sure I can speak for everyone reading this when I say what a gift his words and passion for ‘wild places’ have been.

As Attenborough himself says, it is the study, observance and appreciation of the behaviours of the animals of the world that will in the end save them. Whilst it may seem like a contradiction, it’s the fishermen I know who are the ones most connected to the ecosystems in which we live, and they are the ones who are truly passionate about conservation, education and preservation of the oceans and fish they love to catch.

MARCH 2017 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi MONDAY

6 0319 1002 1604 2155

1.61 0.52 1.27 0.60

13 0333 0947 1605 2214

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

1 0451 1108 1725 2337

2 0541 0.35 1154 1.68 1807 0.32

3 0024 0635 1245 1853

1.67 0.40 1.57 0.40

4 0115 0735 1340 1944

1.65 0.46 1.44 0.49

5 0213 0845 1445 2044

1.62 0.51 1.33 0.56

8 0541 1.66 1227 0.44 1832 1.34

9 0015 0642 1324 1928

0.55 1.72 0.37 1.41

10 0113 0735 1411 2015

0.48 1.77 0.32 1.49

11 0203 0823 1453 2057

0.43 1.79 0.30 1.54

12 0250 0907 1530 2136

0.40 1.78 0.31 1.58

15 0454 1102 1709 2324

0.44 1.59 0.44 1.59

16 0533 1139 1739 2359

0.49 1.50 0.50 1.57

17 0615 0.54 1216 1.41 1812 0.56

18 0036 0700 1257 1847

1.54 0.59 1.33 0.63

19 0118 0751 1345 1931

1.50 0.64 1.25 0.69

•

22 0417 1111 1713 2251

1.44 0.65 1.20 0.75

23 0522 1208 1813 2353

1.49 0.58 1.27 0.69

24 0617 1.56 1256 0.50 1900 1.36

25 0045 0704 1337 1942

0.60 1.65 0.41 1.47

26 0131 0748 1415 2021

0.50 1.72 0.34 1.57

•

29 0350 1003 1615 2228

0.28 1.78 0.26 1.82

30 0440 1052 1657 2315

0.27 1.73 0.30 1.84

7 0430 1119 1725 2309

1.62 0.50 1.28 0.60

0.39 1.73 0.33 1.60

14 0414 1026 1638 2249

0.41 1.67 0.38 1.60

20 0208 0852 1445 2029

1.46 0.68 1.19 0.75

21 0309 1001 1558 2139

1.43 0.68 1.17 0.77

27 0216 0832 1454 2102

0.41 1.78 0.28 1.67

28 0302 0916 1533 2144

0.33 1.80 0.25 1.76

•

Sleepwalking.

0.33 1.77 0.26 1.66

FRIDAY

31 0533 0.29 1143 1.63 1742 0.37

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

•

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

Otherwise you will accrue negative FEPs and the staff will either ignore you completely or spit in your salad.

REMEMBER NAMES This is the advanced level of the point above. Find out, remember and use the names of the staff, from the maître d’ to the lowliest busboy. These people can really make or break your evening, so treat them with respect and kindness. If they speak a foreign language, learn a few polite words of their lingo. Never ever be rude to the people who interact with your food. They have the power to put poo in your pavlova. At best they will remember you as an arsehole and the next time your paths cross they will do all they can to make your life difficult.

Don't mention the war.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO...

RESTAURANTS Words Nat Shepherd Picture Basil Fawlty

G

etting a good table in a busy restaurant is a really important life skill. Believe me.

Nothing is worse on a hot date than being refused entry to the fancy eatery of your choice. Actually, the only thing that might be worse is being allowed inside the hallowed portals, but being given the worst table they have - the ‘Poo Table’. Paying top dollar for a view of the toilets is never a good thing, particularly as every time the dunny door swings open you and your date will be tempted to face-plant your lasagna rather than breathe in the stench that wafts your way. Takeaway never looked so good. If you are determined to enjoy the fine dining experience, fear not; the Unreliable Guide is here to help…

58 The Beast | March 2017

MAKE A RESERVATION Yeah, we all know we should book, but where’s the spontaneity in that? Also, really busy places often won’t take bookings, and if they do they might still take one look at you when you arrive and put you on the Poo Table. Booking is no guarantee.

BECOME A REGULAR Now this really does work. If you visit a restaurant regularly you should get what I call ‘Frequent Eater Points’ (FEPs). To my mind, FEPs are the only points worth collecting. I have four regular places I go to on rotation and I can turn up any time and they will always find me a good table. Be aware that this only works if you are polite, courteous, and tip well.

DRESS WELL If you visit a fancy restaurant you must be aware that the people who run it have ‘made an effort’.

They have found a nice place, painted it up, chosen the decor (or a decorator), and they are paying a king’s ransom to some overrated chef. They have thought up an exciting menu, found suppliers, created dishes, selected the best wines. They are creating an atmosphere that entitles them to charge you $39 for a small plate of beans.

Likewise if we, the public, are going to pay those kind of prices we will be expecting an ‘experience’, so when you turn up in your jimjams looking like something the cat dragged in, it is not good enough. It doesn’t add to the ambiance. At best it will land you a seat at the Poo Table. Look smart, look sexy, look your best and you’ll be showcased in the best position for all to admire.

Finally, remember that we are lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world.

The Unreliable Guide suggests that if you can’t be bothered with any of the above, simply grab some takeaway and head to the beach for the best seat on Earth.

Grevillea ‘Moonlight’

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March 2017 | The Beast 59

I still love you.

AN OPEN LETTER TO RUGBY LEAGUE Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Robert Bruns

D

ear Rugby League - Welcome back. I missed you.

I didn’t know I had missed you until I read about Kyle Lovett being caught with cocaine in his underpants about a month ago. There was something so wonderfully ‘you’ about it all. It served to put all that annoying stuff about Ben Barba out of my mind. But he’s France’s problem now, isn’t he?

You might ask: How were these scandals any different? I don’t know, they just were. Lovett admitting to having the coke in his undies, and his outright dismissal of the MDMA cap found near him – “I don’t touch that stuff ” – only served to remind me of the wonderful inconsistencies of your game. I even tend to believe the cap wasn’t his.

But now, finally, we once again get to enjoy the reason these young, reckless men are in our newspapers in the first place. We get to enjoy you again.

Receiving updates about the lives of rugby league players, without any actual rugby league to 60 The Beast | March 2017

watch, is a bit like going to a beer festival and not drinking. It’s ugly, soul-crushing stuff. You start to question everything around you and realise how pointless it all is.

But your pointlessness is the point. I won’t pretend there is anything profoundly philosophical about watching a group of men fight over a ball and beat the hell out of each other for 80 minutes.

There isn’t. But when Anthony Milford ghosts through a gap that wasn’t there, or Sam Burgess sends 500 kilograms of flesh reeling away from him in one charge, I truly feel closer to nirvana (the transcendent state, not the band). Nothing else matters in those few fleeting moments.

For this reason I’m going to embrace you this year like I never have before. You might have noticed there is a lot of bad stuff going on in the world right now, so you can’t begrudge me looking for solace wherever I can. And I find immense pleasure in you, Rugby League.

You’re like a loyal old dog that has forever remained by my side.

No matter how many times I scream at you and lock you outside.

Occasionally you get cranky and bite me. Sometimes you shit all over the carpet, on the outdoor furniture and even in the occasional shoe. Yet, inexplicably, I still love you and you me - even if a small, dark voice, deep within, secretly looks forward to that final drive down the green mile to the vet.

I could never kill you, though, don’t worry. I’m not even sure you can be killed. Your resilience over time has been quite impressive.

You’re like the John McClane of sports: brash, ugly, impervious to Russians, inherently flawed, yet still capable of pulling in a reasonable take at the box office.

So good luck this year, Rugby League. I look forward to taking this ride with you. And please have it in your heart to go a little easier on the Newcastle Knights.

Forever yours, Aldo

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March 2017 | The Beast 61

Something for everyone.

WAR HISTORY AND WHERE THE FATBOYS PLAY Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug In this, the second part of my Solomon Islands travel extravaganza, I take a look at the Islands’ incredible war history as well as why Fatboys is the place to stay in Gizo...

A

s you all would’ve discovered when you read my much-loved column last month, the Solomon Islands is located in the Southern Pacific Ocean, northeast of Australia between Papua New Guinea and Vanuatu. With its 922 islands and almost 70 languages (spoken with around 100 separate dialects), it is undoubtedly one of the most intriguing places on the planet.

The islands have a profound WWII history and many fierce battles took place among them.

Reminders of past conflicts involving the USA, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and the Solomon Islanders are evident throughout the islands.

The future President of the USA, John F Kennedy, was shipwrecked in the Solomon Islands after his motor torpedo boat - the PT 109, which he was commanding - was ambushed and sunk at night by the Japanese navy on August 2, 1942. He and ten of his crew members survived by swimming to a small, uninhabited island, which is now known as Kennedy Island. The island is close to

62 The Beast | March 2017

Mbabanga Island, a popular tourist destination eight minutes boat ride from Gizo, the capital of the Solomons’ Western Province. Gizo itself is only a short one-hour and twenty-minute flight from Honiara, but it’s a million miles from a care in the world.

We took part in the Solomons’ renowned battlefield tour, which gives a fascinating insight into how horrifying those war years were. On one of our boating adventures we passed an area of coastline off Guadalcanal known as Blood Beach. It was along this stretch of coastline that 7000 American and Japanese soldiers lost their lives during six months of torrid fighting in 1942 (known as the Battle of Guadalcanal) before the Japanese finally withdrew in early 1943.

The islands around Gizo are renowned for having some of the best dive and snorkel sites in the Pacific Rim. Many of the reefs have wrecks of WWII planes that were shot down during the conflict, which now act as perfect artificial reefs where a huge amount of sea life congregates.

One dive site off Njari Island has been recorded as having the fourth largest fish count ever recorded anywhere in the world. There was so much marine life that the fish were basically fighting to jump into our

boat. I consumed so much lobster and crayfish that I thought I might have to change my passport photo – I was certain I was turning into one.

As I alluded to previously, near the uninhabited Kennedy Island you’ll find Mbabanga Island, where we stayed at an awesome resort known as ‘Fatboys’. Given the amount of food that we consumed, the name seemed more than appropriate.

The name Fatboys actually comes from a Dickensian character ( Joe) from the novel ‘The Pickwick Papers’.

The resort comprises only four waterfront bungalows and one selfcontained unit, all with spectacular views. With a full capacity of just 19 guests, it is a very special and unique property.

If solitude, serenity, water-based activities including diving/snorkelling (reef or wrecks), surfing, kayaking, fishing (local or deep sea), and an overwater restaurant surrounded by aquamarine waters excite you, Fatboys should definitely be on your bucket list.

During our short but actionpacked stay we crammed as much adventure in as we possibly could, including visiting a local selfsustaining village and a market on Gizo Island.

At the markets we were welcomed by a barrage of betel nut-stained smiles from happy locals selling their wares. Later in the day we feasted on crayfish and taro at a barbecue on Kennedy Island, before snorkelling in the crystal clear water. Then, in the late afternoon, we ventured by boat to capture a breathtaking open sea sunset.

This group of islands truly is paradise. There is no other word to describe it. Aesthetically it is second to none and the Solomon Islanders have an innocence, warmth and charm that you simply don’t encounter in the Western world. If there is a more gorgeous, happy and sparkling race of children anywhere I’m yet to meet them.

This was my first time experiencing the Solomons and it exceeded all of my expectations.

How To Book www.flysolomons.com Solomon Islands Information www.visitsolomons.com.sb

How will you know if you never give it a go?

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A LESBIAN? Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Connie Lingus

O

ne of my clients, a young woman aged 19, had been questioning her sexual orientation since she was a teenager. She had been attracted to girls since she was at high school, but had had sex with both girls and boys. She now believed she preferred girls.

Her question to me was how could she be a lesbian when she had also slept with boys? Her friends had told her she must be bisexual, but she was not so sure.

It is quite common for lesbians to first have relationships with men. Bisexuals are sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women. If my client decides she prefers women and doesn't find men attractive anymore, she can rule out being bisexual.

But is it that important to label yourself before you figure out your sexual orientation? And how do you know if you are a lesbian or not? Answering some simple questions may help: Are your sexual feelings for women stronger than for men? Do you prefer being 64 The Beast | March 2017

kissed by a woman or a man? Are you physically more attracted to women's or men's bodies? Are your sexual fantasies about women or men? Would you like to settle down with a woman or a man in the future?

There is a lot of information available about what straight couples do in the bedroom in magazines, papers and the movies, but not much about girl-on-girl sex. Most lesbians find it really annoying to be asked what sort of sex they have, as in: "What do you actually do?”

The all too commonly posed question of ‘who is the male’ in the relationship shows how deeply ingrained gender roles are. ‘Butch’ and ‘femme’ are terms used to describe individual gender identities. Butch is usually defined as a lesbian who dresses and presents herself in a masculine way. Femme refers to feminine-looking lesbians, who may also be known as lipstick lesbians. Many people think of a lesbian as the stereotypi-

cal image of a butch lesbian with baggy pants and short hair.

One of my other clients who identifies as a lipstick lesbian complained about the comments she receives when she tells people she is gay. They say, "You don't look like a lesbian; you are too pretty to be a lesbian. It must be a phase," and straight girls have on occasion asked her out to ‘experiment’, which she finds infuriating.

So is there much difference between lesbian and heterosexual sex? The way lesbians have sex is as varied as straight couples; they also have all kinds of positions, and roles can be switched. They may have toys, but these are no more a necessity for lesbians than they are for other couples. Interestingly, lesbian women are much more likely to orgasm during sexual activity than either straight or bisexual women.

Getting back to the question of: How do you know you are a lesbian? When you find that mutual attraction and spark with someone, you will know.

a trend. Having become a staple of the fashion set they are worn in every form, from flowing silky pieces for evening glamour through to more utilitarian boilersuit versions for daytime cool.

LEATHER FRINGING This year’s representation of fringing is a minimalist play of fabric and movement. For those who are bold, look for pieces that are Western-influenced or, alternatively, choose more discreet leather fringing.

CHAINMAIL This trend, which has been around in the accessories space for a while, has moved on from ‘mesh bras’ to full garments made of metal fabric in the form of bib and halter tops, skirt overlays and tunic vests.

Ali the bartender.

Tanya the traveller.

THE PLATFORM SHOE One of the top shoe trends for 2017 is the platform shoe, adding height and allure to anyone who wears it. This trend is a winner for anyone who is vertically challenged.

A LOOK INTO FASHION’S CRYSTAL BALL

On the streets this month I found...

Words and Pictures Sharmin Musca, Personal Stylist

Name Ali Occupation Bartender Street style Ali wears a Top Shop tee, Levi’s denim shorts, shoes from H&M, belt from Sportsgirl and Ray-Ban sunnies.

Fave item for the season A vintage denim skirt.

W

e’ll soon see what has inspired designers for 2017 as fashion weeks around the globe begin this month, shaping the way we dress in the seasons to come.

Before the onslaught of autumn/ winter fashion, here are a few trends happening right now, taking inspiration from three decades - the 70s, 80s and 90s…

EXAGGERATED SHOULDERS The exaggerated shoulder is a clear progression from the ubiquitous summer ‘off-the-shoulder’ blouses. From cotton tops cut in a pastoral fashion featuring broad shoulders, ultra-wide yokes and ballooning upper sleeves, to the square-shouldered suit jackets and puffball shoulders in a continuation of the 80s obsession, as well as oversized capped-sleeves 66 The Beast | March 2017

and feminine, rounded shoulders, the trend is for volume at the shoulder.

MEN’S SHIRTS Women’s fashion has turned to men’s shirting for inspiration, offering a nonchalant twist this season. Deconstructed pieces in pale blue or white with pinstripes are worn as oversized shirts or dresses and reveal plenty of décolletage.

ROBES AND WRAP JACKETS In a continuation of the loungewear trend, think masculine sensuality meets bedroom style as silk wrap jackets and robes are worn over dresses and jumpsuits.

JUMPSUITS These are now much more than

Name Tanya Occupation Traveller Street style Tanya wears a jumpsuit by Spell, K Jacques St Tropez sandals, a vintage bag and RayBan sunnies.

Fave item for the season A Zimmerman bikini.

If overhauling your own wardrobe seems too time consuming, Sharmin Musca – Personal Stylist can help.

Call 0405 518 155 or email sharmin@personalstylist.net.au.

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Take conTrol of your life HypnoTise yourself. lisTen To recordings. learn abouT Hypnosis.

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March 2017 | The Beast 67 19/1/17 9:22:36 AM

compared to portable electric heaters or ducted gas, according to energy efficiency expert and senior industry fellow at RMIT University, Alan Pears. For cost-effective cooling, Pears recommends 16 watt fans compared to average 50 watt and old 100 watt models.

INDUCTION COOKING Move over gas, induction cooking is fast becoming the greener and more convenient option in the kitchen, with affordable models making their way into the market.

They release much less heat, making for a more efficient and comfortable cooking experience.

Plus they are super sleek and easy to clean.

You down with LED? Yeah, you know me.

SIX COST-SAVING TECHNOLOGIES FOR CLIMATE-FRIENDLY LIVING Words Nicola Saltman, Senior Environment Officer - Waverley Council

T

his March marks the 10th anniversary of Earth Hour, a global initiative raising awareness about climate change and the ways to combat it. While progress has been slow, climate-friendly living has never been easier and more cost-effective, with low-carbon home solutions on our doorstep.

Better still, these cheaper technologies today also mean bigger dollar savings for people doing the right thing.

"The beauty is that the desire for low bills and low environmental impact now lead to the same answer - energy efficiency and solar," Damien Moyse, Energy Projects and Policy Manager at the Alternative Technology Association said.

There is still huge potential to grab these benefits locally, since our homes are getting more energy-hungry. Electricity demand in our area climbed last year according to recent Ausgrid data.

68 The Beast | March 2017

Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs also has one of the lowest uptakes of rooftop solar power compared to other regions nationally.

So as Earth Hour asks populations worldwide to ‘switch off ’, consider switching to these alternatives to shrink your carbon footprint and boost your bank balance over the long-term. Let’s make that second nature!

LED LIGHTING Skim up to 10 per cent off your energy bills by simply replacing old halogen and incandescent lighting with LEDs. Lasting 20 times longer, and with quality products available everywhere at cheap prices, LEDs also mean lower maintenance costs (and headaches).

EFFICIENT HEATING AND COOLING Heat your home with reverse-cycle air conditioning. It has far cheaper running costs and lower emissions

HEAT PUMP HOT WATER SYSTEMS Heat pump hot water systems use around one-third of the energy of an electric water heater and work more effectively in winter than traditional solar hot water systems.

These clever units absorb heat from the air and transfer it to heat the water, cutting your emissions and bills.

SOLAR POWER AND BATTERIES With costs of rooftop solar dropping 80 per cent over the last decade, you can make your own green energy and start pocketing the savings in as little as five years.

And as battery storage costs fall fast, future-proofing your home against fossil fuel prices will soon be easier than ever.

ELECTRIC VEHICLES An electric bike could be your ticket to pollution-free (and pufffree) travel, especially in our hilly ‘burbs. For the drivers amongst us, electric cars take the cake with half the running costs of petrol (and a fraction of the emissions). They’ll also soon be easy to charge at key local hotspots, with public charging stations planned for our area.

Get involved in Earth Hour on March 25. For more information, visit www.secondnature.org.au/ earthhour2017.

earth hour festival CELEBRATING

years

Saturday 25 March

Solar talk & speed dates

Book now!

Randwick Community Centre

Twilight Picnic & Market Food stalls or BYO picnic live music, kids activities 5-9pm Randwick Community Centre Village Green

Dine by candlelight

at your favourite local restaurant

Find out more

SUBJECT Colourful birds LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Ruth Rack

SUBJECT Pitchfork LOCATION Maroubra PHOTOGRAPHER Erik Janousek

SUBJECT Available lanes LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Szilard Szasz-Toth

SUBJECT Over the handlebars LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Marcus O'Brien

SUBJECT Early light LOCATION Clovelly PHOTOGRAPHER Heather Egan

The Beast Magazine wants your local photos!

SUBJECT Cleanse LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Les Hallack INSTA @thecoastpost

SUBJECT Rock lobster LOCATION Coogee PHOTOGRAPHER Miriam Chaplyn

SUBJECT Submerged Aussie LOCATION Clovelly PHOTOGRAPHER Jack Yeates

SUBJECT Single file LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Amaury Tréguer INSTA @morningbondi

Please send them to photos@thebeast.com.au

If you come to see us play, you can expect... a sometimes fierce, sometimes vulnerable performance.

On stage we are ever evolving.

Perhaps we will create a dystopian world, or a hyper real forest.

You should listen to our new album, New Rituals, because… new rituals are happening in the world right now amongst all the turmoil. It’s a call to action. A modern mythology for ceremonial seekers!

There was one time when we were starting out… when we had hired a studio and the engineer asked which song we would like to start with. We told him we had no songs, we had never played together before, and we wanted to just make it up. Apparently that’s just crazy. But he pressed record and now this spontaneity is part of our process.

If we could have chosen one song to have written it would have to be... ‘Hyperballad’ by Bjork.

The best thing about the local music scene is… the near future, when they dump the lock out laws and give us back our nights!

From the dairy to the dancefloor.

GINGER AND THE GHOST - QUIRKY AS F**K Words Dan Hutton Picture Nick Lawrence

M

ulti-dimensional Sydney artists Ginger and the Ghost have created an all-encompassing music project using film/costume/ spacial design/ installation art and audiovisual elements. Put simply, they’re quirky as f**k. With their first single, 'GLOW', from their upcoming album New Rituals set to hit the airwaves on March 17, we fired a few questions at Ginger and the Ghost’s male portion, known only as Daniel, during the month…

If I had to describe our sound in one sentence… I’d say it was dynamic nomadic tribal pop.

72 The Beast | March 2017

My first memory of music… was the offbeat rhythms of the milking machine on our dairy farm when I was three years old.

Growing up my parents listened to… nothing really. They didn't listen to music. I bought the first household stereo when I was 16 years old.

Our dream gig... would be headlining a festival anywhere majestic, wild and bizarre. We've played in some pretty unique natural landscapes before and they really resonated with us.

One person we would still really like to record with is… David Byrne or St Vincent. David Byrne is one of our greatest inspirations; he’s very visual and is an all-encompassing artist. And St Vincent is the cream of the crop; his individuality and creativity know no bounds.

Our biggest fan has got be… a Portuguese girl who followed us to four cities to watch us play.

We’ll know we have made it when...

David Attenborough asks us to make the soundtrack for Planet Earth 3.

To find out more about Ginger and the Ghost, please visit www.gingerandtheghost.com.au and join their mailing list.

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Bondi Counselling Services is a dedicated facility offering support for individuals and couples needing help with: • Stress and burnout • Work life balance • Self care • Relationships/marriage • Self esteem and motivation • Life coping skills • Depression & Anxiety awareness

Phone 0400 420 042 www.bondicounsellingservices.com

Please email us at advertising@thebeast.com.au

ALBUM #1 Artist Loyle Carner Album Yesterday’s Gone Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  As the Stranger said in The Big Lebowski, “Sometimes there’s a man who, well, he’s the man for his time and place.” For me, that’s Loyle Carner. Just when the news of the world was becoming a little overwhelming, he comes and drops an album that gives me a glimmer of hope in increasingly dark times. It’s low-key hiphop with thoughtful lyrics, mainly focussed on his life and family, and who doesn’t like a bloke who openly appreciates his mum? He won’t get the accolades or the airtime of other artists, because he’s not flashy enough, but that’s exactly why I dig him so much.

ALBUM #2 MOVIE REVIEW TITLE Hidden Figures GENRE Drama REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador The 1960s was a time of great change and disorder.

It brought us the Cold War and the Vietnam War, as well as continuing gender inequality and race segregation, but with adversity comes strength and a powerful determination to right wrongs. This is the heady period in which the inspiring real-life events of Hidden Figures is set.

Based on Margot Lee Shetterly’s highly acclaimed first book, it follows a handful of dedicated African-American women who are working at NASA, and who just happen to be brilliant mathematicians. Their contributions are vital in the race to safely send an astronaut into orbit, and though hindered by workplace double-standards and discriminated against by all but a few, Katherine Globe (Taraji P. Henson), Dorothy Vaughan (Octavia Spencer) and Mary Jackson ( Janelle Monáe) persevere and deal with the inequality by way of some lateral thinking and their intelligent yet sassy attitudes. This eventually leads to some much deserved recognition and a breakdown of stereotyping.

Director Theodore Melfi (St Vincent), who cowrote the script with Allison Shroeder (Mean Girls 2), has meticulously reproduced the 60s period with the help of beautifully stylised costumes and production design, creating a passionate feel-good drama that is not only entertaining, but also enlightening.

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Artist AFI Album AFI (The Blood Album) Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Remember when these guys were huge? And then there was that emo backlash – much like the hipster backlash now – and it was no longer acceptable to play them at parties. We are a fickle bunch, aren’t we?

There are some nice moments here that might induce a sweet nostalgic longing for high school, but then you’ll remember the pimples, growth spurts and oddsmelling teachers, and you’ll swiftly dismiss such wild delusions. It’s well worth a listen if you fancy a trip down memory lane, but I don’t think I’ll have it on anything close to high rotation.

ALBUM #3 Artist The XX Album I See You Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  The XX remind me of a terrible romantic comedy with Katherine Heigl in it. Maybe even Gerard Butler.

Not Hugh Grant, though. His work is solid. You just can’t deny the true greatness of Four Weddings or Love Actually. I used to kind of like the XX, but now my tolerance has dwindled to a little less than half a song.

They deliver eye-roll-inducing lyrics with less emotion than when my accountant does my tax returns. Other reviewers have labelled this album as more polished and upbeat, but it sounds like the same dreary shit to me. Background music at best.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Hugo Leitao Instagram @hugoleitao HEAD ON PHOTO AWARDS Nifty with a camera? Wouldn’t mind winning thousands of dollars? Head On Foundation invites photographers, creatives, amateurs and enthusiasts to enter the Head On Photo Awards 2017.

The prize pool is worth $50,000 in cash, equipment and software from a variety of industry leaders.

Categories include ‘Portrait’, ‘Landscape’, ‘Student’, and ‘Mobile’. All finalists will be exhibited in the Head On Photo Festival 2017, Australia’s premier event of its kind and one of the world’s leading photo festivals.

DARLINGHURST THEATRE CO. MAKES THEATRE ACCESSIBLE Major props to Darlinghurst Theatre Co., which has managed to fundraise enough money through its ‘Share the Love’ program to host six performances (1200 tickets) in 2017 that are free for financially disadvantaged people to attend. This is a truly awesome initiative, and an admirable step in making the arts accessible to nonmiddle class people. Up first this season is The Mystery of Love & Sex

Don't touch.

by Bathsheba Doran, a formidable writer who captures so much in this beautiful drama/comedy. For more information and tickets, go to www.darlinghursttheatre.com.

THE JUDAS KISS AT THE OLD FITZ Who doesn’t find the world of Oscar Wilde enticing? Enter that witty, tremulous sphere with the Old Fitz’s production of David Hare’s acclaimed play The Judas Kiss from February 15 for a limited four-week season. In the spring of 1895, Oscar Wilde was a larger than life success, yet by summer he was serving two years in prison for gross indecency. This play follows Wilde’s burden of conscience - flee to France to escape persecution or stay and stand his ground? Directed by Iain Sinclair and starring Josh Quong Tart as Oscar Wilde, it looks set to be ravishing. Head to www.redlineproductions.com.au for information and tickets.

KALEIDOSCOPE SERIES 1 Bondi locals Dion Horstmans (the bloke on the cover) and Tim Jones (the bloke who photographed the bloke on the cover) wasted no

time in becoming mates. Though they’ve thrown around ideas on art, love and life over a decade of soft sand runs, this is the first time the boys have collaborated on a project (other than a post-swim beer). Dion makes epic stuff, Tim photographs epic stuff, and Kaleidoscope Series 1 is an energetic fusion of their work. Their exhibition will run from March 22 -28 at the M2 Gallery, Shop 4/450 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills.

NETWORK WITH THE LADIES It may not be the 1960s anymore, but the message sung loud and clear by female art activists the Guerilla Girls still rings just as true: in the male-dominated art world, female artists need more exposure, more support, and more chances to exhibit their work. Sydney-based female artist collective The Ladies Network seeks to bring this vision into reality, organising events that support and recognise the creative contribution of women in the areas of art, music, business and design. To find out when they host their next event, go to theladiesnetwork.com.au.

All the people that work here are awesome.

HUXTON’S AT BRONTE – COMFORT FOOD WITHOUT THE CHIPS Words Dining Dave Instagram @diningdave Picture Grant Brooks

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afés may be reaching a point of saturation in the Eastern Suburbs; for every one that closes, three more seem to pop up serving $4.50 lattes and their twist on avocado toast. Differentiation is minimal. But Huxton’s, a new joint in Bronte that has taken up residence in the old Bronte Carlo site, has a vision of its own. My companion and I snuck down there on a recent Thursday afternoon to give it a go.

The soul of Huxton’s is really built around the personality and vision of its owner, Justin Bull, a.k.a. ‘Juzzy’, who is esteemed enough in the kitchen to have provided home-cooked meals to renowned eaters James Packer and Russell Crowe in the past. Star spotters may even be lucky enough 76 The Beast | March 2017

to catch Mr. Crowe chowing down at Huxton’s on occasion, along with other famous faces. Anecdotally, the café’s name is based upon a nickname that Juzzy had bestowed upon him in his days as Packer’s travelling chef, though he wouldn’t reveal why.

Huxton’s sits on the busy commercial corner of Macpherson Street and St. Thomas Street, just a stone’s throw from Bronte Beach. The interior is bright and airy - white walls, blonde wood and chrome details abound – and a huge glass counter displaying all the fresh salads, pastries and other tasty treats holds court.

Originally designed as a “takeout food hub” for time poor locals with a refined palate, Huxton’s

has emerged as a hot brekky spot, and now offers dinner a couple of nights a week. Fresh market fish and seafood is their speciality, and Juzzy ensures that everything they prepare is restaurant-quality, meaning “no chips, no Coke”.

Sitting outside to take in the ocean views, we were entertained

by Juzzy’s tales and the smiling service of Charlotte, who looked after us all afternoon.

We ordered Huxton’s famous fish burger - made with a delicious pan-fried snapper fillet, crisp cos lettuce, pickled cucumber, tomato, tartare sauce and potato salad on the side; a calamari hot dog - an unusual concoction of fried squid, shaved lettuce, sriracha mayo and Huxton’s signature spices on a soft milk bun; a wonderful tartine of ora salmon, avocado, poached eggs and lemon on a slice of charred sourdough toast; and a antipasti salad full of succulent eggplant, zucchini, buffalo mozzarella and Roma tomatoes. Everything was wonderful, but for me the fish burger was the standout dish.

To top off the lunch we indulged in one of Huxton’s hot, fresh baked mixed berry muffins and sipped a few more minutes away with a couple of robust coffees.

Since opening in November, Huxton’s has been working its magic on Bronte locals and visitors alike, and it’s fast developing into the strip’s latest shining star (it’s just a few doors down from the mighty Three Blue Ducks and the popular Iggy’s Bakery). Thankfully for all of us, you don’t need to boast the paycheck of Packer or Crowe to enjoy it.

Huxton’s at Bronte Address 145e Macpherson Street, Bronte Phone (02) 9389 0335 Instagram @huxtons Facebook www.facebook.com/ huxtons/ Open Fri-Sat 7am-8.30pm; SunThurs 7am-4pm (lunch after 12pm) Prices $20pp Cards Accepted Yes Licensed No

Packed with healthy fats, protein and whole grains.

SUPERCHARGED TURMERIC SEED CRACKERS Words and Picture Tamika Woods

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aving healthy snacks on hand is a great way to balance your blood sugar levels between meals, meaning that you’re less likely to arrive at lunch or dinner ravenous and end up inhaling all your food. These supercharged turmeric crackers are packed with healthy fats, protein and whole grains, and they are so simple to throw together. They also contain a healthy dose of anti-inflammatory turmeric and ground flax seeds, which have been shown to reduce the risk of breast and prostate cancer. What more could you ask for?

INGREDIENTS 1/3 cup pepitas (pumpkin seeds) 1/3 cup sunflower seeds 1 tbsp sesame seeds 1 cup rolled oats (GF if required) 1 good pinch salt and pepper 1 tbsp fresh/dried mixed herbs (e.g. oregano, rosemary, thyme) 1.5 tsp turmeric powder 1/4 cup ground flax seeds 1/4 cup chia seeds 1 cup warm water 1 tbsp melted coconut oil

METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 180°C (350°F), line a baking tray with baking paper and rub with a small amount of melted coconut oil or olive oil.

2. Mix pepitas, sunflower and sesame seeds, oats, salt, herbs and turmeric in a large bowl.

3. In a small bowl, mix ground flax and chia seeds, then slowly add the warm water and whisk well with a fork as it begins to thicken.

Add melted coconut oil and whisk again until completely combined (this mixture should now look like a thick gel).

4. Pour wet mixture over the dry ingredients and mix well.

5. Spoon mixture over prepared baking tray and use the back of a large spoon to flatten the mix evenly over the sheet.

6. Score the mixture with a sharp knife into your desired shape to

make it easier to break apart the crackers once they are cooked.

7. Place in oven for around 30 minutes, until firm to the touch and just beginning to golden.

8. Remove from the oven and carefully slide onto a cooling rack.

9. Allow to cool for 10 minutes, then break apart into crackers.

10. Store in an airtight container for up to one week.

Tamika Woods is a Bondi-based Nutritional and Dietetic Medicine student and recipe maker.

She is the founder of Sproutly Stories, a health food website designed to encourage spending more time in the kitchen. Her wholesome recipe ideas inspire others to enjoy real food that is conveniently healthy. For more guilt-free recipes, check out www.sproutlystories.com.

March 2017 | The Beast 77

Don't call my name, don't call my name...

ALEX RUSSELL WINES - WHAT’S IN A NAME? Words Alex Russell Instagram @ozwineguy Picture Stefani Germanotta

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s a wine guy called Alex Russell, I was pleasantly surprised to discover another wine guy called Alex Russell working in Australia.

Alex has worked in the industry for 15 years, including stints at Cirami Estate, Zilzie Wines and Angove Family Winemakers, and is a consultant winemaker for a German label called Reh Kendermann. It’s fair to say he’s been around the traps for a while.

He launched a crowdfunded wine range called Alejandro in 2015. It was an incredibly successful venture, and the wines have won loads of awards.

Alex specialises in alternate varieties. Some of you will know of Tempranillo and maybe Durif, but how many of you have heard of Lagrein? Did you know Montepulciano was a grape? Saperavi?

Graciano? Savignan? Suffice to say that this is a very interesting and different range of wines.

Not only that, but there is a wine show that is dedicated to showing and awarding quality wines made from alternative varieties. Sure enough, it’s called the Australian Alternative Varieties Wine Show. It’s

78 The Beast | March 2017

a prime example of truth in advertising, because you won’t find much Chardonnay or Riesling at this show.

Alex has cleaned up at this show over the years with medals of all colours, and even a couple of trophies for best in class. In total he has won 34 awards between 2010 and 2015 – quite an impressive track record.

WHITES In the whites, you’ll find a Bianco d’Alessano (a ‘drink it now’ style based on southern Italian wines), a Fiano (an absolutely cracking little number for summer, and a stunner with most foods) and a Vermentino (this grape is a personal favourite of mine, and he does it quite well). All are $200 per dozen.

You’ll also find a Prosecco and a Rosé for the same price, but I haven’t been fortunate enough to try these yet.

REDS Alex boasts a broad selection of reds. These are all a little more expensive, coming in at $240 per dozen. The standouts here are the Lagrein (almost black in colour, dark fruits – it’s a BIG red, and very

successful at shows), a Nero d’Avola (Italian grape, fruit driven, unoaked – drink from a big glass), a Tempranillo (a quaffer for that middle-ofthe-week dinner, and great for a sunny day, especially if chilled) and a Saperavi (Georgian grape, high in alcohol, intense flavours – it’ll knock you off your chair).

Look a little further and you’ll find a Carmenere (one of the six Bordeaux grapes, although almost completely wiped out there by phylloxera, and now famous in Chile), a Durif (high octane, long cellar potential), a Monastrell (a.k.a. Mourvedre or Mataro) and a Montepulciano. This last one is his most awarded wine.

MIXED DOZENS These are all pretty alternative wines, and it’s perhaps a bit hard to justify splashing out on a dozen of something when you have no idea if you’ll like it. Fear not, because Alex has loads of mixed dozens and six packs available. For $240 you can grab an Alejandro Mixed Dozen (including whites and reds) and explore a whole bunch of grapes that you’ve never heard of. You’d be silly not to.

the sides and bottom to ensure it has an even consistency. Pour into the tart base and place back in the freezer.

3. To make the choc avo filling, place avocado, cacao, sweetener of choice, coconut or almond milk, and sea salt in a food processor and blitz until even and mousse-like in consistency. Spread over the top of the peanut caramel and place back in the freezer to set.

Oh sweet Jesus.

THE WORLD’S HEALTHIEST CHOC AVO & PEANUT CARAMEL TART Recipe and Image from Seasons to Share by Jacqueline Alwill

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his delicious dessert is made with all of your favourite foods and flavours, but with ingredients to nourish – it’s gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and vegan friendly - sign me up for that!

INGREDIENTS Tart 1/2 cup raw almonds 1/2 cup raw pecans 1/2 cup raw cashews 1/2 cup (approx. 8) Medjool dates, pitted 2 tbsp chia seeds 2 tbsp coconut oil, melted Peanut Caramel 1/4 cup Medjool dates (approx.

3-4) 1/2 cup almond or coconut milk 2 tbsp natural peanut butter 2 tbsp coconut oil, melted Choc Avo Filling 2 cups avocado flesh (approx. 2 large avocados) 1/2 cup raw cacao powder

1/4 cup brown rice malt or maple syrup 1/3 cup almond or coconut milk 1 pinch sea salt Optional Garnish 1 banana, sliced Dark chocolate pieces Raw cacao powder Cacao nibs METHOD 1. To make the tart, combine nuts in a food processor and blitz to a crumb. Add dates, chia and coconut oil and blitz again for about one minute. Pour ingredients into a 18-22cm springform cake tin and press evenly around the base and sides. Cover and place in freezer to set whilst making the caramel and the filling.

4. To serve, arrange the garnish ingredients over the top of the tart if you wish (they’re optional).

It will still taste delicious without them! Place in the freezer to set for about 30 minutes so it holds better as you slice it. Alternatively, you can leave the tart in the freezer to set overnight and bring it out 10 minutes before serving to thaw slightly. You can keep it in the freezer for up to two weeks.

This recipe serves 10-12 people Bondi local Jacqueline Alwill is a qualified, practicing nutritionist, personal trainer, whole foods cook and, most importantly, mother to Jet. She is committed to improving the health, wellbeing and happiness of all individuals.

In her first cookbook, Seasons to Share, Jacqueline has brought together a delightful collection of beautiful seasonal wholefoods recipes for all occasions. Seasons to Share (Murdoch Books) is available now in all good bookstores and online.

2. To make the peanut caramel, place all the peanut caramel ingredients in a food processor and blitz until it forms a caramel. You may need to stop and scrape down March 2017 | The Beast 79

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ACROSS 1. Stalling tactics to obstruct progress in a legislative setting (10) 7. Poem praising someone or something (3) 8. The world of organised crime (10) 9. The action of keeping possession (9) 12. Comedy about repeated days starring Bill Murray (9,3) 14. Entertainment involving song, dance and drama (7) 15. Edible pulse (6) 17. Grift (3) 18. With deep sincerity (8) DOWN 1. Number one artist of Triple J’s Hottest 100 of 2016 (5) 2. Attire worn at

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Oktoberfest (10) 3. Singing voice between tenor and bass (8) 4. Utensil to scoop food (5) 5. Event with cowboys and clowns (5) 6. Famous Brazilian soccer player (4) 10. Instrument with an extendable valve (8) 11. Story with ambiguity that might be difficult to explain (7) 12. Food that is believed to ward off vampires (6) 13. Aussie city named after English naturalist (6) 14. Aussie women’s magazine that ceased operation in March 2016 after 44 years in circulation (4) 16. Colloquial word for thanks (2)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Madeleine Gray Picture Les Hallack Instagram @thecoastpost 1.True or false: The NSW Government apologised in 2016 for the arrests and bashings perpetrated on marchers in Sydney’s first Mardi Gras?

2. Which Netflix original TV series recently won ‘Best Ensemble in a Drama Series’ at the 2017 SAG Awards?

Barrage.

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3. In which Bruce Springsteen song would you find the lyrics: “Is a dream alive if it don’t come true”?

4. How many Grand Slam singles championships has Federer won?

5. Who is Donald Trump’s White House Chief of Staff ?

6. Which three American states begin with the letter ‘C’?

7. What is the collective name for a group of lemurs?

8. Does a slow loris have feathers, fur or fins?

9. Emma Stone is currently winning multiple awards for her acting in which film?

10. Who is the current president of the Bronte Surf Club?

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 20 Give your mouth a thorough cleanout. The rotting carcasses lodged between your teeth are ruining the lives of those around you.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 You're not going to get rich by hanging out with rich people; rich people get rich by hanging around dumb f**ks like you, not vice versa.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUN 21 If you find someone's wallet, it's fair to assume they threw it away and you should therefore keep it and spend all of their money.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 There's never been a better time to travel, so get off your lazy arse and see the world before you get too old and people think you're a sex tourist.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 23 Your habit of using household items as sex toys is about to be exposed.

Wipe down the pepper grinder before placing it back in the cupboard.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 22 Be careful how you dispose of your dirty dunny paper. Its surprise reappearance at a later time will cause extreme embarrassment.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Prepare for a month or so of disgustingly rotten farts. Every time your arse breathes it will expel a putrid gust of wind straight off a log.

LEO JUL 24-AUG 23 Stop being such a parasite. Everyone is always shouting you and you never return the favour. Repay some debt and stop being such a scab.

CAPRICORN DEC 23-JAN 20 Stop talking about moving to Byron and just do it. If you don't like filthy bogans or hipster wankers you won't last very long up there anyway.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 The light rail development is the worst thing to have ever happened in our lives. If you know anyone involved, please assassinate them.

VIRGO AUG 24-SEP 23 As much as you claim to dislike Trump, that small racist, bigoted part of your character gets excited every time he opens his mouth.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Learn a new skill while your brain still has the capacity to absorb new information, but keep your expectations in check because you're stupid.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. True 2. Stranger Things 3. The River 4. 18 5. Reince Priebus 6. California, Connecticut, Colorado 7. A conspiracy 8. Fur 9. La La Land 10. Basil Scaffidi 1

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