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July 2018


Actor, Director, Surfer











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elcome to the July 2018 edition of The Beast - the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East. It didn’t take long for winter to kick in, now did it? After a record autumn, in which 49 days exceeded 25 degrees, winter decided to dish out some medicine of its own, with temperatures struggling to get anywhere near the universally comfortable 20-degree mark. You’d be livid if you didn’t get along to see Vivid in its first few days; pushing through the crowds was problem enough before everyone had to layer up and double their girth with a now customary puffer jacket. By the time the cold had kicked in there were enough photos of the event on social media to render one’s attendance completely unnecessary anyway. In the mag this month, Beast co-conspirator Dan Hutton shares

some insight about his year-long battle with lymphoma, Siriol Dafydd gets the down-low on local drug consumption and our fondness for the Devil’s dandruff, Duncan Horscroft sheds some light on the potential chaos a WestConnex offramp at the Alison Road/Anzac Parade intersection could cause if it gets the go-ahead, Snowy Winters susses out what’s happening in Bondi during the annual Bondi Winter Magic festival, and Tara Hayes gives an almighty plug to the Behind The Lens photography competition, which The Beast will be backing once again in 2018. On the cover this month is Aussie actor, director and surfer Simon Baker. After bursting onto the scene back in the early 1990s with starring roles in music video clips for the likes of Melissa Tkautz (Read My Lips), where he played a shirtless boxer, and Euphoria’s



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Love You Right, where he played a backup singer/dancer (also shirtless), he eventually went on to play the role of fully clothed Patrick Jane in US drama The Mentalist, which ran for an impressive seven seasons and netted Baker enough to buy some pretty nice surfboards. Mr Baker is now back in Australia, calling Bronte home and doing his best to promote his new flick, Breath, based on the Tim Winton novel of the same name. Baker directed the film and plays a starring role, and it really is a flick worth watching. Big thankyous to Tracks editor Luke Kennedy for putting this feature together. Of course we’ve packed all the usual stuff inside the next 80-odd pages for you to run your peepers over while you punish the porcelain. We’re sure there’s something in there that’ll tickle your fancy. Dan and James - Publishers


July 2018 Issue 162 08 09 10 12 16 18 20 22 29 42

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Bloke Local Chick Thumbs and Dogs Local News Beastpops Calendar

43 44 54 56 58 60 61 62 64 66

Trade Directory Interview Marjorie's Musings Satire Unreliable Guide Fish ‘n’ Tips Tide Chart Headnoise Sporting Life Sexy Time

One very happy hound, by Matthew Serhon.

68 70 74 76 80 81 82 82

Enviro News Travel Bug Local Photos Food & Wine Reviews Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

A rat wearing a nappy.

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF IT Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Marion Donovan DOES PEARL LIKE POO? Dearest Pearl - So many dogs, so much poo. Most owners are great and pick it up, but what does Pearl think about owners dumping their poo bags in your bin on the street, especially after the council has just emptied the bin? Quite often the dogs are huge and so too the poo bags. No one wants poo in the bottom of their bin for another week! Regards, Mother of Two Dogs


ear Mother of Two Dogs - So many dogs, so much poo. So many 4WDs, so much illegal parking; so many dream homes, so much building noise; soooo much money, soooo much entitlement. It’s the good old ‘arsehole effect’ in action - the more affluent that people become, the more entitled they are to exploit lesser beings by using their garbage bins, blocking their driveways, cutting them off in traffic in the Maserati Levante and annoying them with their profoundly gifted, free-ranging children. But - let’s be philosophical here - is the discarded dog poo merely 10 The Beast | June 2018

a sign of entitlement; an act of a selfish neighbour communicating that your bin deserves dog poo, leaving their own bin faeces-free and smelling of organic, vegan bush oils? No, Pearl is thinking that the dog poo-discarding phenomena is far more deep-seated than entitlement. Rather, the dog poo at the bottom of your bin represents the inability of the typical affluent, young, high-achieving Eastern Suburbsite to cope with the unpleasantries in life beyond queuing at Iggy’s. Providence has secured the perfect lifestyle, the perfect blonde straight hair, the spotlessly clean dream home with ‘statement’ decor, the boho-chic clothing, the ecologically driven diet... why, oh why, would one destroy such an idyllic utopia with dog poo? Poo is unfortunately one of those unpleasantries in life, like missing a prized parking spot and having to walk 100 metres. One’s own vegan diet poo can be rendered more palatable with a touch of Aesop Post-Poo drops, and baby poo can be turned into a smug fashion statement with the

use of eco disposables. But dog poo? That’s nasty stuff, and those striving for the perfect lifestyle (there’s nothing spontaneous about the carefully crafted, cool, carefree Eastern Beaches demeanour) with the perfect offspring and perfect dog simply do not ‘do’ dog poo. Just as the clichéd, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is used to free-range one’s kiddies off to the nearest verge with a swing, the excreta of one’s labradoodle can be handled in two ways: by using the neighbour’s verge as a dog toilet (when one is too posh to pick it up) or discarding it in the neighbour’s bin. Although my reply has failed to provide you with an adequate solution, I do hope it provides you with a psychological insight behind the dog poo fiends that inhabit the ‘villages’ of the Eastern Suburbs. And, may I suggest you purchase a feline friend for your two dogs? You may think dog poo smells horrendous, but I can assure you there’s nothing more pungent and foul than the odour of cat poo steaming in the bottom of a neighbour’s bin.

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THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs PLASTIC OR PLANET: WENTWORTH COURIER OR THE BEAST For the month of June, National Geographic headlined their famous magazine with a simple question: Planet or Plastic? Inside was the statistical evidence of a dire situation a situation that humans have caused, and humans will fix. By 2050, plastic will outweigh marine life. This fact is hard to stomach, for fish mostly, but I must admit the Woolworths bag does a good impression of a jellyfish. The reasoning for this public announcement is to call out your rival and second best Eastern Suburbs mag, the Wentworth Courier. Apparently they print around 50,000 copies per week. That’s about 2.5 million copies per year. All these copies are encased by plastic. These copies are ubiquitously dumped at random corners or frisbeed out of dodgy Rav4s, landing anywhere between the median strip and your doorstep, and that’s exactly where they stay. I have asked all my friends, so only ten, if they read it and the consensus was that no, they don’t. Walking the dogs around the east, the magazines are littered like land mines and re-supplied every Wednesday. Any local will tell you that after a day or two they are like walking on a mossy rock. This is followed by mouldiness after the constant neglect they receive, like a 14 year-old dog. The ocean typifies our beloved area and if the Wentworth Courier is a representation of the Eastern Suburbs it is well out of touch. The Beast is conveniently inserted raw (plastic-free) into your mailbox or on a store counter, but that is beside the point. The point is that you obviously do not need plastic to protect your BMW adverts or reach

12 The Beast | June 2018

your audience. I am an avid Beast reader and this is just one of the reasons I am loyal, along with the pure comedy of the horoscopes. Wentworth Courier, thanks for your contribution to the eight billion kilograms of plastic dumped in our oceans. Sort it out, your solution is obvious. Bozo Droppings FINDING THE FORDS I am trying to locate Joan and Bill Ford of Bronte. I met them in Mykonos, Greece in the 1970s and we travelled together for a time. I then went to England and looked after their two children, Karen and Fiona, in Warwick while they travelled. I Googled their name and read your article on Joan, who obtained the OAM medal in 2012. Can anyone please provide me with any information that could assist me in making contact? I would be very appreciative. Thanks in advance. Trish Dinsmore Melbourne BAN BIRTHS, NOT BURQAS Hello - I was really interested to read Dick Smith’s ‘Solving the Population Puzzle’ in The Beast this month. Population growth is at the root of most of the problems we are dealing with today and I found myself agreeing with most of the points that were being made, particularly the one around how you cannot have perpetual growth in a world with finite resources. However, my issue with the interview is that it focussed almost entirely on one solution: limiting immigration to Australia. The danger of fixing the entire debate around this one particular issue is obvious and unfair.

What about raising awareness around the need for people to have smaller families in Australia? Italy, Germany and Japan were singled out in the article as countries that have got it right in terms of stabilising their populations. Yes, I agree, but it is because of their low birth rates, not because of their immigration policies. Great to see The Beast covering issues that matter - keep up the good work. Cormac North Bondi SEARCHING FOR SAFE OFF-LEASH AREAS Hello - Just wondering if there are any secure (i.e. fenced in) off-leash dog areas in the Eastern Suburbs? We absolutely love Centennial Park, but all of the off-leash areas we’ve seen are just open spaces; there is no fencing at all, and there are roads close by, etc. I personally would love to see a more secure off-leash dog space where dogs are safely contained within a certain perimeter. Does anything like that exist? If not, why? Surely we can’t be the only people who would want that sort of thing? Jennifer Queens Park INCREASE THE HATE Sirs and Madams - I am writing to complain about the unduly temperate tone adopted by Pearl Bullivant in her recent Beastly piece on Australian Big Business. It was far from Beastly enough. As any fule kno, Australian corporate management is a generally utterly dismal collection of rentseekers in charge of a mismanagement of cartels (new collective noun). They have read Adam Smith and acted accordingly. Myer, Telstra, The Banks, Coles, AMP... need I go on? Oh yes, there’s Holden and Ford, which were paid squillions to make rubbish cars that nobody wanted. Next time, Pearl, get stuck in and don’t spare the horses. Gareth Bellevue Hill MAKE CLOVELLY ROAD GREENER, SAFER, MORE HUMAN Randwick City Council is looking to allocate money to the design of a street upgrade for Clovelly Road

in its 2019 Budget - thank you Randwick, it’s great to see all the effort that went into the Clovelly Road Better Blocks many years ago has had some effect. Will Council properly involve the community in the design? Given what we’ve seen in past street works, and what I was told by a senior engineer late last year, probably not. According to the engineer, we will get to provide ‘feedback’ once they have done the design. But by then, let’s face it, it’ll be just tinkering at the edges and the usual ticking of the boxes on ‘community consultation’. A shame really, this old school way of doing things. The community is Council's eyes on the street. They’re right there, they know the problems well and often have good solutions. Council should really listen and learn from them. They do have good ideas (okay, there are some nutty ideas too, but you have to have the radar up for the good and be diplomatic with the bad). Crazy talk, you say? The community having a real hand in street design? Actually, there's a whole movement now around placemak-

ing - just Google it, and check out the Project for Public Spaces while you're at it - what-is-placemaking (PPS is an NGO doing some great things around streets and placemaking in the US). It would be awesome if Randwick Council could try placemaking with its renewal of Clovelly Road. After all, it is implied in their mission and motto: ‘A sense of community’. So, what do we ideally want in the design? My wife and I will keep badgering and asking for the shopping centres on Clovelly Road to have the following: significant greenery and street trees, street furniture, slower traffic speed and more safe crossings for pedestrians. We’d also like to see Clovelly Road have separated bicycle infrastructure all the way, so an eight year-old kid could ride a bike safely from Centennial Park to Clovelly Beach - yes, seriously, this would be enormously popular if built properly. It will happen one day, but will I get to see it in my lifetime here in Clovelly? I'm not so sure, but it’s important to keep trying for the generations to come.


Bruce Notley-Smith MP Member for Coogee Ph 02 9398 1822 FOLLOW BRUCE bnsmp



Authorised by Bruce Notley-Smith MP using Parliamentary entitlements.

14 The Beast | June 2018

Actually, if you did want to see it, just go a few kilometres west; there are liveable streets taking shape now all over the City of Sydney. Phil Stubbs Clovelly Road Better Block

THE BEAST The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 Editors Advertising Enquiries Circulation 61,000 copies are distributed every month; 55,500 are placed in mailboxes and 5,500 in shops. PEFC Certified The Beast uses paper from sustainably managed forests. Letters To The Editor Email (include your name and suburb).


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Do you have a favourite sporting team? Easts to win! Eastern Suburbs Roosters through and through, as well as Bondi United and the Clovelly Crocodiles in the juniors, and Sydney FC and the Bloods. What music are you into at the moment? Everything from Nirvana to Sinatra, punk to funk, and anything in between. There’s always some of my sensei’s music playing (Stephen Kilby from The Church). I love obscure ‘60s psychedelic stuff and I love my ladies singing the blues - Peggy Lee, Shirley Bassey, Billie Holiday - and, in a more modern context, Portishead, Monsheba, Monsoon, etc.

The prodigal son.

LOCAL BLOKE... SCOTT LANE-BLAIR FROM BRONTE Interview and Picture James Hutton


ronte’s Scott Lane-Blair, also known as The Bondi Binge, is a born and bred Eastern Suburbs local. He shares his local favourites with The Beast... How long have you lived here? I was born and bred in Bronte and I’ve resided here or in Bondi my entire life. One side of my family has been here since before federation and the other side since 1965 when my Kiwi father crossed the ditch. Why do you live here? It’s a prodigal son thing - hi Huey, I’m home! What's your favourite beach? Bronte. It’s all here; the reef, the Bogey Hole, the pool, the beach breaks, Tama and Mackenzies right next door, and I’m a closet gothic - I love the cemetery. Where do you like to have a drink? Charing Cross Hotel and the Robin Hood. I also dig the Regis, North Bondi RSL and the Icebergs when I’m back in Scum Valley. 16 The Beast | June 2018

What's your favourite eatery? Much the same; the bowlo, the Hood and the Charo. The Maroubra Hotel does a delicious iced coffee and their very Brazilian burgers are a tasty treat when I’m doing my music down that way (I have a music studio near the Bra). The Wok Master in Maroubra Junction is pretty good too, it’s the Chinese that the Chinese eat. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The yin and yang of the city beaches. It’s got the buzz of the city without the drawbacks. You really can’t beat it. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The overdevelopment and the lack of vision from those allowing this development to happen. There’s no room, the house is full. I dislike blow-ins who disrespect nature by throwing their rubbish, cigarette butts or whatever in our beautiful parks and beaches. We need more schools, not more tools or other blow-in fools!

Who is your favourite person? Daniel, my six year-old son. His wisdom, gallantry and bravery astound me everyday. This environmental warrior isn’t afraid to tell people not to smoke on his beach, and his older brother, Typhoon Thomas, is a beautiful pianist who can pitch a baseball as fast as kids six years older than him. What do you do for work? I’m an aesthetic creation observation machinist, also known as a singersongwriter. I’m a wordsmith - a writer in general, of lyrics, poetry and prose. What's your favourite thing about work? Sharing something with people - the cathartic ritual, an expression - and having some sort of positive feedback from it, whether it’s just pure enjoyment or the way people relate to it and tell me so. Do you have a favourite quote? My grandfather used to always say, “I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.” I think the Rabbi Jesus of Nazareth said that one, but I’m not sure. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Remember folks, we’re all welcome to be part of the universe but none of us should be foolish enough to think we are the centre of the universe.



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June 2018 | The Beast 17

have a favourite. I’m a big fan of Roger Federer though. What music are you into at the moment? Anything from Rodriguez to African music, such as Sibongile Khumalo, Miriam Makeba, Oliver Mtukudzi and Johnny Clegg. Who is your favourite person? My husband, very closely followed by our dogs. What do you get up to on the weekends? From time to time I have a client meeting on the Saturday. On sunny days I like to spend some hours reading on the cliffs at the Ladies’ Pool or in our garden. In the evenings we go out, often to meet friends for dinner.

Coogee’s professional home organiser.



oogee’s Margot KrekelerObertopp moved here from Germany with her hubby in 2015 and launched Peace of Mind Organising Services. She shares her local favourites with The Beast... How long have you lived here? My husband and I moved from Germany to Australia at the beginning of 2015 and have been living in Coogee since then, and we plan to stay forever. Why do you live here? We both love living close to the sea and we were lucky to find a nice home with a garden for our two dogs (and for us). What's your favourite beach? Coogee Beach is my favourite. I love the atmosphere, especially in the early mornings. I also like the Ladies’ Pool and Wylie’s Baths. What's your favourite eatery? There are so many great eateries 18 The Beast | June 2018

here, such as Seahorse, Thai Riffic and the Spanish Fly in Randwick, and Barzura, Banana Palm and Sugarcane in Coogee. Where do you like to have a drink? In the local beer gardens, Bat Country at The Spot, and the balcony bar at the Ritz Cinema. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The relaxed ‘holidayfeeling’ atmosphere, the coastline and coastal walks, the beaches and pools, and that everything you need (supermarkets, coffee shops, restaurants, vet, etc.) is so close by. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It’s so overcrowded on weekends, the traffic is terrible in the mornings and evenings, and the alcohol ban is no fun (it was nice having a picnic with a glass of wine). Do you have a favourite sporting team? I used to follow up on the Bundesliga but I don’t currently

What do you do for work? As a professional home organiser I help my clients get their homes clutter-free and organised. My business is called POMOS Peace of Mind Organising Services ( because that’s what my clients find at the end of any bigger organising project - peace of mind at home. If our homes only contain what’s important to us, what we need and like, we are able to relax and focus our attention on the people we love and the activities we enjoy. What's your favourite thing about work? I find my work very satisfying because it’s so useful to others. Most of us feel overwhelmed if we are surrounded by an unorganised amount of ‘too much’ - paperwork, clothes, toys, books, kitchen stuff, etc. It makes a huge difference if we get active and start to sort out and organise the mess. We realise what we truly value and we know exactly what we own and where we can find it, which frees up a lot of space, time and energy! Do you have a favourite quote? “Outer order contributes to inner calm.” - Gretchen Rubin. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Make it better - just a tiny bit, but every day!

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BEN Age 10 years Sex Male Breed Maltese X Weight 3.6kg Ben is a sweet, gentle boy who is very social with other dogs. He is affectionate and cuddly but quite shy initially. Ben has been used to living with other dogs but he is not used to being out and about and walking on lead. He needs a family that will take things slowly and make him comfortable. Ben comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Ben is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email

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THUMBS UP LOW AND SLOW Nothing beats the taste of slowsmoked meat and the fun of playing with fire, and the ‘2 Smokin Arabs’ are the masters of the craft. RHINO MOUTHGUARDS Nine of the players that took to the field in the first State of Origin clash were wearing mouthguards from our favourite Clovelly dental prosthetist, John Halkitis. SCIENCE Doubting what you see, even when you have tonnes of evidence, is better than believing what you can’t see, without a shred of evidence. WAVERLEY PARKING CHANGES Good to see some of the stringent parking regulations finally getting rolled back, even if it is only temporary.

THUMBS DOWN COLD FEET Trying to get your feet back to a comfortable temperature after getting up in the middle of the night for a pee is nigh on impossible at this time of year . BIN DAY Not only do the garbos love waking you up at an ungodly hour, they also serve as a hopeless reminder that you forgot to put your bloody bins out, again. BEANIE HAIR The only thing worse than the dreaded ‘hat hair’ is beanie hair, not that the follicly-challenged editors of this fine publication need to worry about either. 20 The Beast | June 2018

MYSTERY Age 1 year Sex Female Breed Kelpie X Weight 19.1kg Mystery is a very friendly, happy girl who is social and playful with other dogs and also loves to be around children. She walks well on lead and our volunteers say she is very fit, very affectionate, very strong and extremely energetic. She has a short coat and weighs 19.1kg. Mystery comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Mystery is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email

RUBEN Age 9 years Sex Male Breed Mastiff X Kelpie Weight 27.5kg Ruben is a gentle, affectionate boy. He greets people in a calm manner and walks nicely on a loose lead, ignoring cars and other dogs. Ruben is placid and enjoys being patted. He loves treats and squeaky toys but does not like his tail being held. He would suit a family with 10-12 year-old kids. Ruben comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Ruben is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email


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Dan waking up from his median sternotomy at St Vincent's Private Hospital.

IT’S NOT A TUMOUR! OH, WAIT... YES IT IS Words Dan Hutton Picture James Hutton


’ve been planning on writing this article for a while now but I’ve been having trouble putting the words together. I still don’t really know where to start or how to conclude this piece. Fitting the best part of a year of relative hell into The Beast's word count is also a dilemma, so this piece will span multiple editions. Let’s just begin by saying that the last ten months or so have been anything but normal. In mid-2017 I started getting some pain in my neck and shoulders that referred around to my chest. The chest pain led to some trouble getting a ‘full’ breath (dyspnea), and I was waking regularly in the middle of the night saturated in sweat (night sweats). The first instance of this occurred in late April. I went to the physio regarding the neck, shoulder and chest pain (I’m a regular trapezius pain sufferer, thanks to 13 years hunched over a laptop editing The Beast, so this was nothing out of the ordinary), and the symptoms subsided in a couple of days, before I felt it necessary to 22 The Beast | June 2018

visit my GP. I simply put it down to some sort of mystery virus. A month later I ran the SMH Half Marathon and don’t recall noticing any problems with my breathing or unexpected pain. I knocked it over relatively easily given that I’d only done a handful of training runs in the three or four weeks leading up to the event, and left my running companion, a ‘healthy’ fellow named Grug, more than half an hour in my wake. Some time in June the same symptoms I’d experienced in April arose again but dissipated before I felt the need to see a doctor. At this point I declared to my missus that if it came back again I’d be straight in for blood tests and a chest X-ray. Sure enough, in mid to late July the symptoms returned. At this stage I still expected it to be a virus. My blood tests were relatively normal, but a white blur on my chest x-ray meant that I’d need to get an MRI scan. The doctor assured me that the blur may just be the remnants of a virus, but he was keen to rule out anything more serious.

On July 26, while on set shooting the immensely talented Vera Blue for The Beast’s September cover, I received a phone call from my GP. I could tell from the tone of his voice that it was serious; he wanted to see me that afternoon. I hung up and went back to the shoot, pretending nothing had happened, trying to put what I knew I was about to hear to the back of my mind. When I finally got to the GP’s office in Bronte later that afternoon, the expression on his face was grave. He sat me down and confirmed that I had a large unidentified mass on my anterior mediastinum (the area of the chest that separates the lungs) and that I’d need to see an oncologist, ASAP. Harder than hearing this news was conveying it on to my beautiful partner, Georgie. With two young children, this was a battle that we were going to have to fight together. Thankfully Georgie’s father and both her siblings are doctors, so as soon as I had finished my call with her I was updating them on my results and seeking their opinion. Within 24 hours Georgie’s father, Terry, had arranged for me to see a thoracic medicine professor at St Vincent’s Private Hospital, who immediately arranged a CTguided needle biopsy to attempt to diagnose the mediastinal mass that was causing me grief. I was advised then and there that there was a strong possibility I’d need a median sternotomy (essentially the process involved in heart transplants and serious cardiac surgery - cutting through the sternum, opening up the chest cavity, etc.) to remove the mass. I should probably have figured it sooner, but this is when I realised I was in some serious shit. The biopsy proved inconclusive and I was soon booked in to see a cardiothoracic surgeon by the name of Philip Spratt. As it turns out, Associate Professor Spratt is probably the most accomplished surgeon in his field in the country, and was by Dr Victor Chang’s side

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Dan examining his impressive zipper, and (inset) what a tumour looks like. when he successfully completed Australia’s first heart transplant some 30-plus years ago. I tried to convince myself that removing a tumourous lump from my chest would be child’s play for a bloke of his calibre. A week later I was due to front for surgery, but two days out from the big day a gastro bug ripped through my family and I was forced to postpone it by a week. On August 15, 2017 I checked into Vinnies Private and tried to prepare myself psychologically for what at the time was without doubt the scariest 48 hours or so of my life. While I was extremely nervous about the procedure (my first operation ever), I was keen to get the mass removed from my chest and hoped that it would prove to be relatively innocuous. While I can’t recall the surgery (thank Christ!), it all went well and Dr Spratt was able to remove most of the offending mass (about 97%, I was told), as well as some lung tissue and pericardium (the membrane enclosing the heart) that the mass was intruding upon (an 18cm x 11cm x 7cm lump in total), before sewing me back up and sticky taping me together. 24 The Beast | June 2018

The reason the entire mass was not removed was because a sample taken early in the procedure and sent off for testing returned with a diagnosis of lymphoma, which meant I was going to require further treatment anyway to completely rid myself of cancerous cells. As such, Dr Spratt decided to save the scalpel in some of the trickier sections of the excision so as to avoid causing any nerve or arterial damage. I spent a week in Vinnies Private recovering from the surgery, sharing a room with a lovely butcher from Dulwich Hill named Bob, who had undergone a multiple bypass. Never have I feared coughing, sneezing - or even laughing - as much as I did during that week and the month that followed. Thankfully the morphine and endone kept the pain to a manageable level early on, and I quickly learnt techniques to stave off a potential sneeze when I could feel one brewing. While I was still in hospital recovering, I was visited on numerous occasions by medical personnel who informed me that the tumour was a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (the ‘good one’ to get,

or so they say), but when the haematologist came to see me for the first time he assured me that, unfortunately, this was not the case, and what I was dealing with was a T-cell lymphoblastic lymphoma (one of the ‘shit ones’) and that treatment of this particular disease would be long, hard, and potentially lethal, but it was curable nonetheless. I took this as good news. I’m not sure that all around me shared my positivity, but they put on brave faces regardless. I needed a few more tests to see how far the lymphoma had spread and whether or not it was in my bone marrow or central nervous system before beginning chemotherapy. Thankfully, my bone marrow biopsy was clear of disease, as was my spinal fluid, but a PET scan showed that the lymphoma was active in a number of regions throughout my body - in my groin, through my midsection and even up into my neck. An intensive French trial chemotherapy protocol, very similar to paediatric leukaemia regimens, was agreed upon as the best way to stave off this bastard cancer for good. The whole process, I was told, would take nearly three years. I had less than a month to recover from the sternotomy before I’d be back in hospital to begin chemotherapy on September 16. I was scared beyond belief, but somehow convinced myself that all would be okay and that I would be among the 30-70 per cent of sufferers (depending on the presence of a particular gene) who made it through to the three-year survival mark, whereby if disease free I would be considered cured. While the surgery to remove my tumour was quite an ordeal, it was a drop in the ocean compared to what still lay ahead of me. To be continued in the next edition of The Beast... This is part one of a short essay titled ‘A Long Holiday In Hotel Chernobyl’. Tune in next month for part two of what will most likely be a three-part series.

BECOME AN OCEAN ACTION HERO Monday 16 July – Friday 20 July 10AM – 2PM DAILY Join us for interactive workshops on Level 1

YOUR HOME FOR SHOPPING shopping centre

BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Anton Galitch GET SOME SKILLS Is your business looking to upskill staff in information technology or business? City East College, your local not for profit registered training organisation, has the skills, knowledge and resources to help you and your employees to upskill. Training can be delivered at your premises or at the college’s fully equipped training venue in Bondi Junction, and dates and times are flexible depending upon your requirements. Call 9387 7400 or email to see how City East College can develop a course aligned with your professional development needs. FREE PARKING After significant community consultation, Waverley Council has agreed to roll out some changes to parking over the next few months. Council agreed at an extraordinary meeting in May to implement three of the proposed parking changes: parking meters will be turned off in commercial areas of Bondi Junction after 6pm, residents in Resident Parking Scheme areas will be entitled to a

Shark Point at sunrise.

free Residential Parking Permit, and 15-minute free ‘drop in’ zones will be introduced in selected areas at Bondi Beach and Bondi Junction. Implementation will take place from July 1, with the ‘drop in’ zones expected to be implemented in August. STADIUM STOMP Australia’s ultimate stair climb, the Stadium Stomp, returns to the SCG and Allianz Stadium on Sunday, July 1. This year’s event will introduce two new Stomp categories, the Short Course and Junior Stomp, both offering a taste of Stadium Stomp over condensed courses. The Stomp supports official charity partner the Leukemia Foundation and participants are encouraged to make every step count and fundraise for this amazing charity, or any cause close to their heart. For more information, visit LIFE JACKETS OR A LETTUCE Rock fishermen in the Randwick City area are being reminded to wear an appropriate lifejacket or risk a $100 on the spot fine. The

law applies to adults and children fishing the popular but deadly coastal stretch that includes Clovelly, Coogee, Maroubra, Malabar, Little Bay and La Perouse. 18 people have died rock fishing in Randwick City in the past decade. To date, the Rock Fishing Safety Act only applies to the Randwick City coastline, however other coastal councils can elect to opt-in to the legislation. ALL GOOD IN THE ‘HOOD Celebrate all the good stuff happening locally, and the amazing change-makers behind it, at this fun event on Sunday, July 1 from 10am to 4.30pm at Bondi Pavilion. There will be free interactive art and craft workshops, sustainability speed dating, film-screenings, music, food and plenty of fun. This is a collaboration between Plastic Free July and Second Nature with Take 3, Transition Bondi, Responsible Runners, Blue Bondi Green, Plastic Free Bronte, Happy Fish Bondi, Underwater Research Group and Waverley Council. Please visit

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June 2018 | The Beast 27

The Devil’s dandruff.

SYDNEY: THE COKEHEAD CAPITAL OF AUSTRALIA Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Lindsay Lohan


’m not going to lie to you, of all the things I thought I would be writing about in 2018, the government sifting through our shit to see what drugs we’ve been bingeing on was not high on the list. In fact, unsurprisingly, it wasn’t even on the list. But that’s what the world has come to, folks. The National Wastewater Drug Monitoring Program - or as I like to call it, ‘The Aussie Dunny Dig-around’ - is an initiative commissioned by the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission to measure and interpret our drug use. Move over lock-out laws, there’s a new Big Brother in town. In March, the fourth of nine reports was issued, detailing the most recent findings of the University of Queensland and the University of South Australia from 45 wastewater sites across the country. 12 substances were monitored and the report covers around 54 per cent of the population. In other words, the dunny water of 28 The Beast | June 2018

around 12.7 million Australians was monitored by our government. Unsurprisingly, alcohol and nicotine continue to be the most consumed drugs in Australia. As for the illegal stuff, methamphetamine remains the highest consumed illicit drug across the country and usage has actually increased since August 2017. So, if you’ve ever considered doing a Walter White, now’s as good a time as any to break out the old yellow hazmat suit and start cooking. Meanwhile, Sydney has achieved the highest levels of cocaine consumption across the entire country - not surprising really, considering that it’s probably easier to get your hands on a bag of the white stuff than it is to buy a bottle of wine from your local bottle-o after 10pm. Of course that f*ckwit muscledouche you met at your local last Saturday, who talked about himself non-stop at an almost uninterpretable speed, was snort-

ing his chops off. Even the most image-conscious of the Eastern Suburbs backpacker crowd are not that naturally self-involved, and no sober person runs off to the bathroom at such intense intervals and with such vigour unless they’ve got a debilitating bout of IBS. When you think about it, most Friday and Saturday nights you’ve had in the Eastern Suburbs (or any night, for that matter) will suddenly start to make sense - everyone’s coked up to the eyeballs. Why else would so many people wilfully cram themselves into some of the seedier joints that remain open after 2am? You’ve gotta burn that excess energy somehow, right? But Sydneysiders are not the only ones dabbling with drugs religiously. While the report shows that cocaine and heroin consumption on average was higher in capital cities across the nation, it also revealed that meth, MDMA, oxycodone and fentanyl consumption on average was higher in regional areas. You might think


you’re super cool with your credit card and a rolled up fifty, but apparently hicks love a high too. Anyway, here’s a run-down of how drug-f*cked our country was in December 2017...

Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson


Methamphetamine: South Australia had the highest estimated average capital city consumption, while Western Australia had the highest regional consumption.

No. The problems with drugs in society are not caused by recreational drugs, they’re caused by the addictive drugs, especially ice. I’ve owned nightclubs for years; ecstasy and cocaine never caused any problems, but when people started using ice around 2006 we had all sorts of issues. All of the resources need to go into catching the manufacturers and dealers of these drugs. Decriminalise the rest, like they have done in other countries.

Cocaine: Capital city averages across the country were almost double the regional average of cocaine consumption, with Sydney ‘achieving’ the highest levels. MDMA: The Northern Territory had the highest capital city consumption, with New South Wales and Queensland having the highest regional consumption. Oxycodone: Twice as much oxy was consumed on average in regional areas than in capital cities. Tassie had the highest city consumption, while Victoria had the highest regionally. Heroin: The ACT and Victoria had the highest capital city consumption and New South Wales had the highest regional levels. Alcohol: Alcohol consumption is on the rise. Hicks and townies seem to love the grog as much as each other, with no significant differences recorded between regional and city consumption. The Northern Territory had the highest capital city consumption, while Tassie had the highest regional levels. All jokes aside, wastewater analysis is used globally as a means of measuring drug use. The data is supplied to government agencies and not-for-profits so that they can tackle and prevent the major drug issues affecting our communities. So just remember, next time you’re enjoying your Friday arvo drinks surrounded by the gurners and grog guzzlers... Big Brother is watching.

Jeremy BRONTE No, I don’t think we are winning the war on drugs, because the police continue to punish smalltime recreational offenders instead of catching the heavies at the top who are making all the money. Recreational drug use should be decriminalised and the government should regulate it to generate tax revenue and control the quality of these substances to make it safer for the people that are going to do them anyway.

Rachel COOGEE I don’t really have a strong opinion on this, but I do believe there’s definitely too much focus on recreational drugs when more attention should be on the more dangerous and destructive drugs like ice. I grew up in Dubbo where ice has ripped the place apart - so many lives have literally been ruined - and I just don’t think a kid taking a pill at a festival or having a line on a night out is really on par with that. June 2018 | The Beast 29

The future.

ALL ROADS COULD LEAD TO OFF-RAMP CHAOS Words Duncan Horscroft Picture Stace Shonerry


etting around the Eastern Suburbs these days can be an absolute nightmare, but things could get much worse if a proposal by Roads and Maritime Services to build a WestConnex off-ramp at the intersection of Anzac Parade, Alison Road and Dacey Avenue gets the go-ahead. The proposal aims to filter traffic through multiple lanes on to the off-ramp, bringing thousands of cars from the western suburbs to the east and adding to the chaos that has already been caused by the much-maligned light rail project. According to the RMS, the $500 million Alexandria to Moore Park Connectivity Upgrade (A2MP) “would deliver travel time savings and reliability improvements along the entire corridor”. Councillors from Waverley, Randwick and Woollahra are opposing the project, and Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore is appalled at the prospect of losing more than a hundred trees, including some which have been in place since the early 1900s.

30 The Beast | June 2018

The project’s impact on the Moore Park Golf Course, which is a major public recreation facility, or the nearby athletics field, which is a major venue for a wide range of carnivals, is still unclear. Centennial Park and Queens Park host a myriad of junior sporting events on weekends and those areas are already a major traffic gridlock on game days. Waverley Councillor Marjorie O’Neill has been active in opposing the plan. At a meeting of Waverley Council back in April she called for a moratorium on the proposals to remain in place until there was consultation with the affected councils regarding the plan’s impact on the various communities. Cr O’Neill also asked that Council note the State Government’s failure to commission and/ or release the relevant strategic business cases. “The extension of WestConnex will destroy the social fabric and character of the entire east and south-east and turn it into a

congested, overdeveloped, ugly dump... done by stealth!” Cr O’Neill told The Beast. “The road widening will involve a wrecking ball of road works, including the demolition of buildings, destruction of trees and encroachment on private homes, all in the name of creating a massive six to eight-lane feeder road from Alison Road/Anzac Parade through to WestConnex,” she explained. “It will funnel eastbound traffic directly onto our already gridlocked streets of Coogee, Randwick, Moore Park and Waverley and, from a Council perspective, this impact on our roads is something we will have to address.” “With the disastrous light rail project expected to be over capacity when it opens - if it ever does open - WestConnex will be the only way for huge volumes of traffic to get to the giant entertainment complex and stadium precinct planned, spewing more traffic onto local roads in the Eastern Suburbs.”

RACE DAY Royal randwick 7 july 2018

Saturday 7 July Join us for a fun filled day for the whole family. A festival at the track with free children’s activities & entertainment including: Nickelodeon’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pony Rides - Jumping Castle Face Painting - Children’s Pamper Lounge Petting Zoo - Carnival Food - I Love Bubbles Stage Show Colouring Competition - Fairy Princess South Sydney Rabbitohs Fan Zone

More info at

A Bondi Feast for the senses.

MAKING THE WINTER MAGIC HAPPEN Words Snowy Winters Picture Cole Dickens


ondi Winter Magic is on again this year, with its iceskating folly in the Bondi Pavilion Forecourt from June 28 to July 22 and the beachside ferris wheel, the Bondi Vista, delighting beachgoers until July 29. There will also be an art trail with sea wall murals, street music, history walks, a gallery program and a jewel-studded theatre program, Bondi Feast. We, the People Who Live for the Beautiful will get the program of events off to a vibrant start from June 25 to July 15 in the Bondi Pavilion Gallery. The exhibition marks 40 years of Mardi Gras with workshops, screenings, panel discussions and documentaries celebrating the power, beauty and diversity of our LGBTQI community. We, the People Who Live for the Beautiful is part of the Bondi Memorial Project, a public artwork recognising the history and the legacy of violence towards LGBTQI people in the Bondi area. It features Gerwyn Davies, Justin Shoulder, Liam Benson, Helen Grace, Deborah Kelly, Kim Luetwyler, Shahmen Suku and Daniel Mudie Cunningham. Heating up the Winter Magic 32 The Beast | June 2018

program is Bondi Feast, a fringestyle festival celebrating the best in theatre, comedy, music, circus, visual arts and food. Watch out for a pop-up kitchen by 2017 MasterChef contestant Callan Smith, and get ready to explore the carnival playground as this year’s Bondi Feast spills out of the pavilion into a specially crafted festival garden, complete with the parlour tent. This year’s Bondi Feast design includes sculptural works by Amanda Seddon, and there’s the return of the ever popular 24 Hour Party Playwright, featuring six playwrights, six directors and only 24 hours to come up with six new plays overnight. The Late Night Buffet, presented by Bondi-based production company Plastik Soup, is an explosive cabaret and degustation of entertainment for the senses, with a feast of comedy and burlesque served by some of Australia’s top international performers. Hosted by the charming Brisbane comedian and fringe-regular Dani Cabs, The Late Night Buffet will burst the tent seams to create a fabulous, frivolous party.

You can also try Swing Man by Damian Callinan, who suffers from OTTD (Over the Top Dance Syndrome) - apparently the only cure is to learn how to swing dance! Swing Man sends Damian on a journey back to the incidents in his adolescence that set him on his path - a fracas at a bush dance, unrequited love at ballroom dancing, and the revelation that, as a 17 year-old, he was abducted by swing era-obsessed aliens who set him an ultimatum to learn how to swing dance by the time he was 51. Lindy Hop on down to watch the threetime ‘Barry ’nominee shag his way through this boogie-woogie midlife crisis. Or there’s Showko, an Australia’s Got Talent finalist and “absolutely normal character in a crazy world”, who blends stand-up, puppetry and ventriloquism in an utterly unique performance. Seen & Heard comes up from Melbourne to make its Sydney premiere. A selection of Sydney’s most beloved chanteuses, comedians, drag stars and burlesque artists will provide a glimpse into the souls beneath the sequins as they share personal stories, along with the acts that made them altcabaret favourites. Here's a summary of what's on... • Ice Rink: June 28 to July 22 in the Bondi Pavilion Forecourt. • Bondi Vista: June 28 to July 29 in the Dolphin Court. • Bondi Feast: July 17 to 28 in the Pavilion (multiple spaces). • Art Trail: Sunday, July 8 in Roscoe Street Mall and a meandering trail including the promenade and Bondi Pavilion Gallery. • Music on the Street: July 29 at various locations including the Bondi Pavilion Forecourt. • History Walks: every Sunday in July. Bondi Winter Magic is a partnership between Waverley Council and Bondi and Districts Chamber of Commerce. Bondi Feast is a Council-run festival. For more information, please visit

MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Poppy Wolanski FOREVER JOHNNO KEEPS GIVING On the evening of May 25, Mal Ward once again hosted the annual Forever Johnno Monster Raffle and Auction. Held in memory of his son Johnno, who fought but ultimately lost a brave battle with childhood liver disease, the evening is always a highlight on The Beast’s social calendar. This year the event raised $12,100 for the Clancy Ward (Liver Transplant Unit) at Westmead Children’s Hospital. Highlights of the evening included the attendance of Johnno’s best mate from Coogee Public School, a film clip of young Johnno in his prime, and the presence of Dr Chris Brown, who was incredibly generous with his time once again, appearing in more than his fair share of candid selfies with his adoring (mainly female) fan base. Hats off to Mal, who organises this fantastic night year in, year out, without fail. TREADING TOGETHER Anytime Fitness Randwick recently raised $4,500 for Suicide Prevention Australia and the National Suicide Prevention Research Fund to deliver valuable research, awareness and education aimed at saving lives. The Tread Together 24-hour Treadmill Challenge was a huge success, with over $400,000 raised nationally. David

Surf check.

Turner completed the full 24 hours on the treadmill, describing it as the most gruelling thing he had ever done. There is still time to sponsor participants who took part in the treadmill challenge or to make a donation by visiting https://treadtogether.gofundraise. ACCOLADES FOR THE PARKLANDS Congratulations to Centennial Parklands, who recently won two state awards at the Parks & Leisure Australia NSW & ACT Regional Awards in Tamworth. They were awarded ‘Best Strategic Planning’ for the Moore Park Master Plan, as well as ‘Best Playspace’ for the Ian Potter Children's Wild Play Garden, which has received over 150,000 visits since opening in October 2017. They will now go through to National Awards, which will be announced in October. To see more of the great activities they offer, please visit APARTMENTS SAVING MONEY Waverley Council has launched its Building Futures program for Bondi Junction strata buildings, and ten buildings have joined up to save thousands of dollars on their water and energy bills, with the goal of reducing both their running costs and carbon emissions.

They are all working towards the goal of a 20 per cent reduction in energy use in common areas. Each building gets energy, solar and waste assessments, costed upgrade recommendations, matched funding for upgrades and support to implement the changes. They will also be among the first apartment buildings to receive the new National Australian Built Environment Rating. For more info, visit RANDWICK RATE RISE A $68 increase in rates for the average Randwick City ratepayer next financial year is set to deliver a number of community projects. The Independent Pricing & Regulatory Tribunal recently announced approval of a 3-year special rate variation. Some of the projects include anti-terrorism measures; an upgrade to the La Perouse Museum; addressing domestic violence with more housing options and provision of dedicated outreach workers; undergrounding powerlines; an arts and cultural centre; upgrading the Randwick Literary Institute; a new indoor sports centre and gymnastics centre at Heffron Park; implementing Council’s digital strategy; and various park, community building and public toilet upgrades. Please visit


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June 2018 | The Beast 35

David Magro’s stunning Field of Stars.



udding, amateur and established photographers are encouraged to get behind the lens and capture spectacular images, as THE SPACE Gallery (located in The Cannery Rosebery) opens entries to its photography competition for the third year. Behind The Lens, featuring submissions grouped into ‘Landscape’, ‘Seascape’ and ‘Nature’ categories, will be joined this year by the Sun Moment competition, sharing incredible sunrises, beautiful sunsets and everything in between. “There are many talented photographers that take amazing shots but their work is hidden away on their computer or in the studio,” Pascale from THE SPACE Gallery told The Beast. “This is a great opportunity for them to showcase their work in a new location, surrounded by a community of art lovers.” Everyone is welcome to the three-week exhibition in October to see the entries, with the winners announced on the opening night. Artists can submit up to three images in the Behind The Lens contest, and five in Sun Moment. Entrants are challenged to be 36 The Beast | June 2018

creative and original, and capture a picture that tells a story. “We have a lot of beautiful scenery here in Australia, especially in the Eastern Suburbs, and there are a lot of photographers who can connect with that,” she said. “As an art lover, you want something that surprises you, so you keep coming back to it because there’s something that intrigues you.” David Magro, last year’s Behind The Lens winner, certainly took our breath away with his amazing photo, Field of Stars. The stitched panorama, captured in the town of Merriwa, took two years to plan. “It’s only a certain time of year the Milky Way is visible in that position, and then you’ve got the alignment of the planets: Venus, Saturn and Mars,” he told The Beast. “You have to wait for a clear sky and for the canola fields to be in bloom, which is one month of the year. Then you’ve only got about a ten-day window to photograph the stars when there’s no moon.” Mr Magro, who is currently travelling around Australia to teach his specialised form of photography, was surprised when he won the competition and encour-

ages everyone to enter this year. “You don’t know what’s going to happen until you actually give it a try; just spread your message as far and as wide as you can and you may just be the winner,” he said. “It’s a good sense knowing that your artwork is being admired by others and it will push you to continue to create more and improve.” All submissions must be taken in Australia or New Zealand, and drone photographs are accepted. Talented and experienced judges Chris L. Jones and Simon Mottram will be back again this year to pick the winners, while you will be given the opportunity to have your say on your favourite Sun Moment image via Instagram. This is a great opportunity for photographers to show their work in our community and win some top prizes. Entries close on August 31 for Sun Moment, and September 14 for Behind The Lens. For more information, and to enter the competition, please visit You can follow along on Instagram at @behindthelenscontest.



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Sydney Harbour view, probably drawn from around Old South Head Road.

SAVE OUR SYDNEY! Words Con Gestion Picture George French Angas


rior to British settlement, there may have been a thousand Eora people living around Sydney in a relative utopia. Governor Arthur Phillip estimated that around 1,500 Aboriginal people existed within a ten-mile radius of Port Jackson in 1788. Then came the city building, starting with the convicts and followed by an administrative and trading port centre. Today, a mere 230 years later, Sydney is a city of global significance and a favoured destination for tourism and commerce. Planners, academics and thinkers are tossing around some big population numbers for Sydney. Currently we are at 5 million, and some have suggested 8 million in the near future. This is scary stuff for those who love the beaches and the natural wonders of Sydney. It’s a topical subject as we’ve been growing at 80,000 to 100,000 people per year; the city has become gridlocked at peak times and train capacity and other services physical and social - are stretched. The NSW Government’s Greater Sydney Planning Commission has a new Three Cities Plan to deal with it, supposedly, all within the Sydney basin. Migration is driving the growth - people want to live in clean, safe, prosperous Sydney. Governments love the numbers because they generate growth and employment and save them having to think of

38 The Beast | June 2018

other ways to manage the postmining economy. Planners find excuses for the politicians: the military ones say we are a vulnerable territory with a small population that needs to expand, and the town planners repeat the fashionable mantra that a city has to be big to be competitive globally. A sense of scale is required. There are numerous cities that have the entire population of Australia within them. Examples include Tokyo (38 million), Delhi (26 million) and Shanghai (24 million). But there are tensions and contradictions here. The Mercer Quality of Living Survey of the world’s most liveable cities for employees working abroad is dominated by small cities. Sydney, at tenth, is by far the largest of that group. Our fabulous beaches and harbour put it there. It begs the question as to what is Sydney’s optimal population size to maintain the wonderful geography we have and to be resilient against bushfires and climate change. Do we keep growing and fall down the index? Cities do not live forever. There are many once great cities reclaimed by the forests of Cambodia and Central America. Some just crumble away like Cairo and Naples. There are alternatives to endless growth. There is the concept of growth poles and decentralisation. The great US port cities of New York and San Francisco, recognising how skewed to the

sea they were becoming, sent their state capitals inland for balance. Bathurst could become our Sacramento or Albany, as some previous leaders have proposed. Where is the high speed rail that could make alternative growth poles to Sydney like Newcastle, Goulburn, Canberra, Wagga and Albury? Whatever happened to the decentralisation policy we once had? Surely the National Party must be interested? France has it as a national cultural objective to keep people close to their food and spirit and to maintain the beauty of Paris by restricting its size. What does this potential nightmare population growth scenario mean for us eastern beachside lovers? We may be able to resist the high-rise but land values will increase. Everyone wants to live here, squeezing out our kids and workers in need of low cost accommodation. The demand for beaches, parks, public transport and carparks could double. And what of the hidden pipelines that pump Sydney’s crudely treated liquid wastes out to sea at Malabar and Bondi, originating from as far away as Campbelltown? This antediluvian, unsustainable and frankly embarrassing dumping into our precious ocean will likely double. Great leaders have capped cities’ growth with bold unilateral strokes such as greenbelts, height restrictions, creating alternate growth poles and sending their navies and parliaments out of town. There needs to be some new decisive directions, not urban planning platitudes, to Save our Sydney (SOS). Australia is the most urbanised continent on Earth with 80 per cent of our population living along the coast, mainly around the behemoth metropoles of Sydney and Melbourne. There are now seven billion people on the planet and our land, air and oceans are groaning from their impact. Cities are where they are living, but do we need to be like the rest and threaten our stunning environment? Maybe we need to take a stand.

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What development should look like.

LOCAL TEAM PUTS ITS STAMP ON RANDWICK Advertorial and Pictures Cbus Property


ewmarket Randwick, a landmark property development by Cbus Property, is currently transforming a much-loved heritage site with iconic yet sensitive design by some of Australia’s most highly regarded designers and architects, many of whom are long-term locals. Established in the early 1860s, Newmarket has been a significant part of Randwick’s racing heritage since its inception. Built circa 1880, the Big Stable sits on the peaceful southern boundary where it has housed thousands of racehorses over the last 130 years. Now it begins a new chapter as part of an exquisite precinct in Randwick’s most desirable new neighbourhood. The Big Stable will be gifted to Randwick City Council for community uses. The Newmarket Team is committed to the project and passionate about the suburb precisely because they are locals, including Cbus Property’s Mark Percy who has lived in the Eastern Suburbs all his life. “Because I grew up and went to school in Randwick and have lived in Coogee for over 35 years, I’m dedicated to ensuring the project is the best of its kind,” said Mr Percy, Executive Manager, Residential, at Cbus Property.

40 The Beast | June 2018

“When this property became available for sale, I was excited at the prospect of being able to create a masterplanned community of high quality apartments in an area that is so very special to me. The natural beauty of Newmarket will be respected and preserved.” To pay homage to the historic site, Cbus Property has curated a team of Australia’s most innovative and highly regarded architects and designers - Bates Smart, Arcadia, Neeson Murcutt Architects, SJB Architects and Smart Design Studio. Architect William Smart has lived in the Eastern Suburbs for 22 years. “I love the character and village atmosphere of these older, denser suburbs,” he explained. Landscape designer Alex Longley also grew up in Randwick. “I love its proximity to the beach and the beautiful parks and gardens, as well as the great cafes and restaurants,” Mr Longley explained, “but most importantly, I love Randwick Rugby Club!” “When I was little my grandmother (daughter of famous horse trainer Daniel Lewis) took me to visit the Newmarket Stables and we’d spend hours watching the horses parade in the sales ring. When I heard the site was to be redeveloped, I was driven to ensure

Arcadia was the landscape architect chosen to shape the open spaces.” Cbus Property has also appointed local builders Ganellan to construct the project. Nick Kodos, Managing Director, has lived in the Randwick Council area all his life, attending Clovelly Public and Randwick Boys High, where he was the school captain. “My entire career in construction has been with Ganellen,” Mr Kodos told The Beast. “I started as a cadet and in 2013 became Managing Director. Along the way I completed my MBA at UNSW and represented the university in State League football. I’ve never left Randwick, and never will!” Stage 1 of the project is currently on the market through Colliers International, including Newmarket Residences, designed by Bates Smart, and Figtree Pocket, designed by Smart Design Studio. Please visit

July 2018 MONDAY

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LEARN SOMETHING NEW City East College is your local, non-profit adult education provider, offering hundreds of short courses. Term 3 begins today, so for new skills, improved fitness, or to advance your career, take a look at the wide range of affordable courses at

TRIVIA NIGHT AT THE CHARO Wrangle a bunch of your smartest buddies and head to the Charing Cross Hotel for trivia with Nick from Trivia Mafia every Tuesday from 7pm. There are great prizes and you can tuck into a delicious feed while you’re there. Please visit

GENDER BENDER BINGO IS BACK Rather than staying inside watching Netflix and getting depressed each night, get down to the Charo for Gender Bender Bingo every Monday from 7pm. There are plenty of awesome prizes and an eclectic crowd to mingle with. Visit

SUICIDE IMPACTING ME If you have been touched by suicide, this non-denominational group provides a safe space where you can talk with others. Facilitated by a psychologist and social worker, it’s on from 6-7.30pm at JewishCare, Woollahra. Email

BLOW BAR AT THE PAV Treat yourself to a blow dry and enjoy a drink and a bite to eat at the Coogee Pavilion every Wednesday from 10am to 2pm, then walk out looking and feeling bloody fantastic! This collaboration between the Coogee Pavilion and Blow Bar is a game changer.

SYDNEY SWANS v GEELONG CATS Get down to the Sydney Cricket Ground this evening to witness the mighty Sydney Swans as they do battle with the Geelong Cats. The game starts at 7.20pm and it’s guaranteed to be an epic encounter. For more info, please visit

SURF OR TURF AT BBPB Drop in to Bondi Beach Public Bar every Monday for a grilled Rangers Valley rump or the fish of the day for only $20. The meat raffle is on from 7.30pm and you can enjoy a $5 schooner with your meal. For more info and other weekly specials, visit

MALONEYS HOME DELIVERY Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys offers a complete home delivery service, so there’s no excuse for living on Domino’s and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7pm and it’ll be delivered fresh to your door the next day. Please visit

STEAK NIGHT AT THE CLOEY Get your weekly hit of high quality protein with mouth-watering steaks from the grill, served with salad, chips and a choice of sauce for only $16 every Wednesday evening from 5pm at the Clovelly Hotel. For more information, please visit

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit

BECOME AN OCEAN ACTION HERO Join the team at Royal Randwick Shopping Centre for interactive workshops on how to become an Ocean Action Hero. They’re on from 10am to 2pm daily from Monday, July 16 until Friday, July 20. For more information, please visit

BONDI WINTER MAGIC Bondi Beach will once again be transformed into Sydney’s winter playground by the sea as the Bondi Winter Magic festival returns for the month of July. Go for a twirl on the ice rink or ride the Bondi Vista for an unbeatable view. Please visit

ELEANOR LIMPRECHT TALK Join local author Eleanor Limprecht as she discusses her latest novel, The Passengers, a moving story spanning two continents and two generations - a journey of healing and reconciliation - at Margaret Martin Library. Call 9093 6400 or visit

BURGERS AND BEER AT BBPB Drop in to Bondi Beach Public Bar any time on a Thursday to try their famous Squish Burger for only $10 and enjoy a $5 schooner with your meal. BBPB is Bondi’s freshest venue and everyone is welcome. For more info and other weekly specials, visit

FRANZ FERDINAND AND MGMT Frontier Touring is thrilled to announce that two of the most prolific bands of recent times, Franz Ferdinand and MGMT, will join forces for a massive show at the Hordern Pavilion tonight. For more information and to book, visit

LIVE MUSIC AT THE ROBIN HOOD Get down to the Robin Hood Hotel every Thursday for Coopers Presents, an evening of local and original live music and $5 schooners of Coopers (the delicious one with the green label) from 7.30pm. For more information, please visit

MONDAY ROAST AT THE CLOEY Deal with this miserable cold weather like the clever human you are by going to the Clovelly Hotel and taking advantage of their $25 Monday night roast with a glass of house wine or local tap beer. For more information, please visit

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STADIUM STOMP SYDNEY Climb your way up, down and around the bays of the Sydney Cricket Ground and Allianz Stadium in this 6,300 stair climb. There will be plenty of rest stops, drink stations and music playing to keep you pumped. Please visit for more info. BIG WINTER BOOK FAIR Grab a bargain at the Big Winter Book Fair today (and yesterday) from 10am to 4pm at Woollahra Library, Double Bay. Rummage through a huge range of ex-library books and magazines, and enjoy live music and free face painting. Visit

LUCKY IS BACK Lucky Joeng has a PhD in Science and is the guru of HSC maths, chemistry and physics. Students can bring their questions and hear Lucky talk about various topics in the HSC syllabus today from 5pm to 7pm at Lionel Bowen Library. Visit

RANDWICK COMMUNITY RACE DAY Randwick City Council has partnered with the Australian Turf Club to bring you the Randwick Community Race Day from 11am to 5.30pm today at Royal Randwick Racecourse, and it’s free for all Randwick residents! Please visit

STIFF GINS AND MI-KAISHA Head over to the Bondi Pavilion this evening for a night of remarkable storytelling and song with this dynamic combination of some of Australia’s most loved and respected Aboriginal female artists. Bookings are essential and can be made at

NSW WARATAHS v ACT BRUMBIES Get down to Allianz Stadium this evening to support the mighty Waratahs as they take on the Brumbies. The game kicks off at 7.45pm and we recommend getting there early to beat the crowds. For more information, please visit

ED KUEPPER AT COOGEE DIGGERS Back by popular demand, Ed Kuepper revisits his Solo & By Request show, performing material from right across his 50-plus albums and a career that began in 1977 with The Saints’ groundbreaking release, (I’m) Stranded. Tickets are only $35 from Moshtix.

SWANNIES v GOLD COAST SUNS Make your way to the Sydney Cricket Ground today to witness the mighty Sydney Swans as they battle it out with the Gold Coast Suns. The game starts at 2.10pm and we recommend taking public transport. For more info, visit

BONDI SUNDAY MARKETS Today, and every Sunday between 10am and 4pm, you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, one-off vintage pieces and more. Please visit

BONDI FARMERS MARKETS Choose from a huge range of fresh seasonal fruits and vegetables, organic meat and poultry, fresh flowers, breads, jams, cheeses, seafood, herbs, spices and so much more at Bondi Beach Public School every Saturday from 9am. Please visit

BEACH BREAKS CARNIVAL The Beach Breaks Carnival, on today from midday until 4.30pm at Maroubra Beach, includes surfing, market stalls, food and drinks, rides, entertainment and an induction of a surfing legend into the Australian Surfing Walk of Fame. Visit

Plumbing Steve Kova Blocked Drain Co. Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concrete Head Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

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On set with the boys.

Actor, Director, Surfer

SIMON BAKER Interview Luke Kennedy Pictures Nic Duncan


ver an afternoon cup of tea at a Bronte café, Simon Baker is talking me through his decision to direct, and star in the film adaptation of Tim Winton’s Breath. Simon has just finished explaining that he ‘lives reluctantly in the public eye’ when a loose acquaintance of his wanders past our al fresco table and casually chimes in on the conversation. Baker is friendly and sincere, eventually indicating to the gentleman that he is mid-way through an interview about his work on Breath. “Good luck, it’s my favourite book,” insists the passer-by, before taking the polite hint and shuffling on. Baker immediately turns to me and with half a sigh acknowledges the enormity of what he has undertaken. “I’d like a dollar for every time someone’s said that. ‘It’s my favourite book.’ You know, don’t stuff it up.” So how did the charismatic star of The Guardian, The Mentalist and The Devil Wears Prada eschew a comfortable acting career to put himself in a situation where he is simultaneously shouldering the expectations of Tim Winton lovers, and surfers who are notoriously loathe to see their culture misrepresented on the big screen? Almost a decade ago Baker was in the US working on a show when he took a call from a producer named Mark Johnson. Baker explains that Johnson had worked with him on other productions and didn’t waste time getting to the point of the call. “He said, ‘I've just read this book, Breath, and it made me think of you, and I've got the chance to get the option if you want to partner up on it’.” Johnson won an Oscar for his work on Rain Man and has a slate of other production credits to his name including Good Morning Vietnam and Donnie Brasco and more recently Breaking Bad, so he is the type of Hollywood heavyweight whose advice you might take seriously. 46 The Beast | June 2018

Baker picked up Breath and remembers feeling an immediate connection to the novel, which is set in ‘70s Australia and tells the story of two boys who fall under the spell of a guru surfer. “I had moments where I just had to put it down and just wept. It brought up things for me that were so heavy and so personal in a weird way... I knew all those characters. I knew five or six versions of each one of them.”

“As kids we’d sit in the dairy bails at Lennox where Bob shaped. Then he built a shaping bay with a glass panel and we’d sit there and watch him shape all day, and you know Bob, he likes to tell a story...” When Baker was nine his parents made the sea change from St Mary’s in Sydney to Lennox Head. The move catapulted a young Western Suburbs kid into a heady, north coast scene. “I’d only seen surfing on TV and I remember thinking, ‘I don’t know what that is but I want to do it’ and then I was plonked into this town and it was the late ‘70s, early ‘80s... I lived across the road from Bob McTavish.” With its glorious point break, country-soul ambience and proximity to other classic waves, Lennox in the ‘70s was a haven for surfing luminaries who wanted to keep their counter-culture dream alive. After inspiring surfers to ride radically shorter boards, Bob McTavish was already considered a revolutionary board shaper. Baker quickly grows glassyeyed with nostalgia and wonder when reflecting on his time in the company of Bob. “As kids we’d sit in the dairy bails at Lennox where Bob shaped. Then he built a shaping bay with a glass panel and we’d sit there and watch him shape all day, and you

know Bob, he likes to tell a story...” While the sage-like utterings of the older surfers in Baker’s sphere certainly resonated, they played out alongside the provocations of his self-described ‘rat-pack’ bunch of friends, who were all hell-bent on answering the siren call of surfing’s nascent competitive movement. There was an obvious allure to a career that, at the time, promised a life of international travel, wild parties and minimal responsibility. Baker competed at a serious level in his junior years, but when asked if he dreamt of becoming a professional surfer (which many of his peers went on to be) he flashes that smile, which I imagine will have women of all ages rushing to see him in Breath, and says cheekily, “Well, I guess I kind of did, but then I discovered sex and my priorities shifted.” However, if adolescent lust proved a distraction for the goodlooking young Baker, he stresses that surfing was still at the core of his existence. “It (surfing) was the rack on which I hung my identity,” he explains succinctly. It was Baker’s immersion in surf culture during his formative years that ultimately inspired his decision to assume the role of director for Breath. Initially he signed on as a co-producer and for the lead role of Sando, but as he and Mark Johnson flirted with potential directors it became increasingly clear to Simon he didn’t have faith in anyone else to do justice to his vision for the film. “The truth is that if I didn’t direct it, I would have been a nightmare producer. I would have been all over the director,” he insists. To appreciate how Baker arrived at this standpoint you have to know something about surfers - they are mercilessly critical of the way their culture is portrayed on the big screen. For a film to pass the scrutiny of the highly opinionated tribe of wave-riding devotees, the lexicon has to be spot on, the action expertly shot and the props and wardrobe delicately selected - bereft of any anachro-

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nistic mishaps because surfers can tell exactly which era a particular board or clothing item belongs to. A whole swathe of Hollywood movies, including Point Break, have been widely discredited by surfers because they fail to get the nuances of the subculture right. For surfers, the most universally approved attempt at a Hollywood film is Big Wednesday. Released in 1978 and directed and co-written by John Milius (who went on to write the screenplay for Apocalypse Now), the film is a coming of age story about a group of draft-dodging, rebellious surfers growing up in Southern California during the Vietnam War era. Like most young grommets who saw Big Wednesday, Baker bought into the romance, but as he points out, it didn’t necessarily reflect the reality of the Australian surfing scene at the time. “The closest thing we had to a narrative surf film when I was growing up was set in California - it was Big Wednesday - and we appropriated it because there was nothing that came close to it other than surf documentaries or surf movies, which are made just for us.” Simon, who has never abandoned his roots and still gets in the water regularly, soon became personally invested in Breath. Perhaps more than anything he felt compelled to ensure that the surfing culture he loved was authentically portrayed. “How many times have you seen it stuffed up?” he states emphatically, one surfer to another. “I owe too much to what it’s given me and what it means for so many of us. It only takes a bit more attention to get it right.” Despite the passionate proclamations, Simon admits he almost buckled under the weight of his own expectations. The scale of his self-doubt came to light when he and two close mates were on a surf trip in Indonesia. “We were having a few beers around a fire and they asked me what was happening with Breath and I said, ‘I don’t know, it’s prob48 The Beast | June 2018

ably too much to take on.’ At the time I was thinking, my bar’s too high and I don’t think I can pull it off and I’m only going to be disappointed...” Baker concedes that if it wasn’t for the support of his friends and the straight-talking attitude of his wife, Rebecca, he might have just ‘done the dance’ with the idea and moved on. “My mates basically said, ‘If anyone’s going to do it, it should be you... Just have a crack, have a dig.’ My missus was like that too. She just said, ‘Look, honey there’s so many bad movies made, so what if yours is just another shit movie? Just go and make it. Just go and have a go’.” However, while the heartfelt logic served as a necessary catalyst for action, there was still one more endorsement Simon needed before he could move forward confidently with the production. Tim Winton is a titan of Australian literature. A four-time winner of the Miles Franklin Award (one of which was for Breath), his writing has helped bring both a sense of definition and mystique to the Australian experience. As an actor, Simon Baker may have spent more than a decade reflecting the cultural mores of North America, but he still well understood the impact of Winton on Australia’s cultural identity. “It’s such a beloved book and he’s such a revered Australian literary icon... A film is a different animal, but I wanted to make a movie that felt like you felt when you read the book.” It took Winton a little while to understand Baker’s own coastal influences (Tim is from the west coast where the film is also set), but according to Baker, the relationship eventually clicked. “Tim was good. Tim’s salty, he gets it... We had a couple of dinners and a couple of chats and then he got it. He understood where I was coming from and what I wanted to do with it. From him I just needed to know that he was okay with me committing to that and making it my own... I think

that once I felt there was trust there he was like, ‘Yeah you go for it.’ He wasn’t right there on my shoulder.” Having secured the support of Winton (who wrote the first version of the film’s screenplay), Baker set about recruiting a production team that understood the idiosyncrasies of surfing. “Making a film brings an enormous number of people together and you can’t hire everyone on that set as a surfer,” he indicates pragmatically. “I hired enough of them - as many as I could because we just have a short-hand and an understanding... there’s a lot of communication and dialogue abbreviated.”

“We got completely blessed by Mother Nature. We could have been so screwed. We needed footage at three different locations and enough to be able to put it together to tell the story. In the end it literally came down to having just enough frames.” If Simon was to seamlessly convey the rapture a surfer feels for the ocean and bring to life Winton’s provocative prose, then the role of water cinematographer was always going to be crucial. As it happened, the right guy for the job had worked with Baker in the early ‘90s on Australian series E Street, the gritty, urban-set soap in which a young Baker had played Constable Sam Farrell. Like Baker, cameraman Rick Rifici used E Street as a springboard to involvement in a host of productions. However, while Rick’s career took him to the leading production houses in Hollywood and France, he simultaneously nurtured a reputation in surfing circles as a camera-

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June 2018 | The Beast 49

wielding virtuoso with the capacity to put a unique twist on the kind of high-octane footage surfers crave. Rifici lives in Western Australia where Breath was shot and is familiar with much of its wild coastline but, according to Baker, Rick still got a little emotional when Simon illustrated his vision for shooting the film. “As soon as I met with Rick and explained how I wanted to shoot the surf stuff - he’ll probably deny this - he got a bit of a tear in his eye. I told him I just wanted to shoot it simply and I just wanted to exploit those moments that we (surfers) see and we enjoy every day and we take for granted, that organic nature of your visibility and your senses being shifted, and I wanted to try and integrate all that into the sound design as well.” Rifici explains that shooting Breath was both more satisfying and challenging than many of the commercial campaigns he’d done for the surf industry “For those shoots, it’s all sunny and fluffy... you’re looking for strong overhead light and sort of clichéd surf stuff, but this project was totally different, I had full creative range of what I wanted to shoot... often we used less depth of field which creates more drama in the shot.” This was always going to be a movie that could succeed or flop on the strength of the surfing imagery. Baker was acutely aware that no matter how good his crew were, making the film involved considerable temporal, natural and financial constraints. “I didn’t have a lot of money and I only had the water unit for four weeks and all the main cast are in the water sequences.” While the surfers on set were accustomed to the whims of wind and waves, Baker knew it wasn’t easy for everyone involved to understand the dynamics at play. “I’m not going to be naive enough to go into making a film that’s largely set in the ocean and think that I’m going to man-handle the environment - it’s just not going to happen. Sometimes you can 50 The Beast | June 2018

tell people that and they go, ‘Yeah, yeah, but...’ and you have to say, ‘No, there’s no buts mate. If the wind changes direction we’re screwed, so we need an alternative’.” Fortunately for Baker, the ocean corresponded. “We got completely blessed by Mother Nature. We could have been so screwed. We needed footage at three different locations and enough to be able to put it together to tell the story. In the end it literally came down to having just enough frames.” Rifici admits that there was a lot of pressure to get the feel of the footage right within the limited time frame and suggests that if Baker didn’t have an extensive surfing background it might have been a different story. As for how they got along on set? For the two old friends it seems there was only one point of conjecture. “He missed my best wave,” complains Simon with a grin that mocks his own hubris. “I got the wave from the best angle,” chuckles Rifici in his own defence. “I just didn’t think he was going to make it out of the barrel.”

“I wanted people to look at us that go out there and surf and not just think that we are all just one dimensional narcissists...” Ultimately, the surfing footage in Breath, which was shot mostly around Denmark in Western Australia, is compelling; beauty and authenticity of experience trumping the kind of cornball mishmash Hollywood frequently splashes on the screen. Throw in a score that incorporates classical music in addition to the era-defining rock tracks and you have something with a distinctly sophisticated quality - surfing as mysterious art form rather than dead-beat, Puberty Blues culture. This, it seems, was one of Baker’s other aims - to

elevate the perception of the world he grew up in. “I wanted people to look at us that go out there and surf and not just think that we are all just one dimensional narcissists... that you can be that person that goes out there in all conditions and still be interested in a lot of other things.” Faith in the broader talents of surfers was responsible for one of the other big risks Baker took with the film - casting two teenage kids with no previous acting experience in the lead roles of Pikelet and Loonie. “I had to do it,” insists Baker. “I can see someone pick up a board and know that they can surf or not. You can’t teach that stuff.” Samson Coulter (Pikelet) and Ben Spence (Loonie) were plucked straight off the beach - Samson from Queenscliff in Sydney and Ben from Margaret River in Western Australia - and thrown in front of the camera. Their wave-riding expertise enabled them to do almost all their own surfing scenes, thus eliminating the problem of clunky switches to stunt doubles and potential incongruences in the action. “The clever thing Simon did is get two young, champion Australian surfers and teach them how to act,” explains Rifici. “It allowed you to keep the camera rolling and make it much more of a real production rather than having to cut around it.” Like Coulter and Spence, Baker also did almost all of his own surfing in the film - a factor that prompts Heath Joske, a former pro surfer and Baker’s stunt double for Breath, to quip, “Simon surfs really well, so well he nearly put me out of a job.” Joske points out that when the surf scenes were being shot over a tight, four-week period, Baker would frequently wander over at the end of the day and hang out with the ‘surf unit’ as they were called, and talk story. “It was apparent that he obviously had a very authentic surfing upbringing,” suggests Joske, with a hint of mischief.

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Although picked for their surfing ability, the acting performances of Coulter and Spence well and truly stand up. As Loonie, Spence captures the essence of the quintessential surfy ‘grommet’ and his zany interpretation of the role brings a distinctive and perhaps unexpected element of humour to the film. Breath will likely make Spence a star. Meanwhile, Coulter has a more sensitive interpretation of Pikelet. In the movie, Pikelet is played as a dreamy teenager whose obsession with surfing parallels his growing preoccupation with an unorthodox sexual relationship. If you’ve read the book you will appreciate that some of the scenes might have been quite confronting for a teenage boy. Coulter lends the kind of subtlety to the role that belies his limited acting experience.

“My close friends know that there’s part of me that’s this close to throwing it all in to just go surfing.” While the ocean can be the most fickle of cast members, there were other aesthetic aspects of the film over which Baker was able to assert much more control. While Baker set the benchmarks, the responsibility for making the film accurately reflect the era and the surfing sub-culture fell upon the shoulders of former pro surfer Jodie Cooper. Cooper, as Simon recalls, was responsible for one of his most satisfying moments in the making of the film. “She had all the props lined up - all the boards, everything from the ‘70s, like from eskies to everything else, the furniture from inside the house and all of that. All the boards were lined up and I had goose bumps because it was so good and spot on. Then she goes, ‘I’ve got a surprise for you’. This guy had made the original honey surf wax. She just told me to close my eyes and put it in front of my 52 The Beast | June 2018

face. I smelt it and just started crying. I was 12 years old again.” For all the attention to surfing details, Baker was also well aware he was making a film about much more than boyhood wave lust. The movie, like the novel, has a complex layer of themes at play beneath the briny surface. “There’s a part of the film that is about fear and beauty,” Baker enthuses. “Pikelet was in it for the beauty of it and Loonie is in it for the rush. He’s into everything for the rush. For me, I’ve always had a foot in both camps.” When pressed to come up with a binding concept that brings all of the film’s disparate parts and characters together, Baker settles on the notion of identity. “For me, the film was always really about identity, and forging your own identity, so the actions that you take and not just through the coming of age period. If you really examine it, everyone in the film is struggling in some way with their identity... Obviously Pikelet and Loonie, but Queenie, the young girl. Sando is sort of hurtling towards a mid-life crisis... Eva is completely displaced in that she doesn’t know who she is anymore. Mr Pike and Mrs Pike - kids now looking at them less like Mum and Dad, but more as a person... which we all do.” As the afternoon drifts on and the teapots are emptied, Baker and I are eventually trading stories of glory days; a couple of middleaged surfers anxious that perhaps their best waves are behind them, but faintly optimistic that there might be many more to come. In a fit of laughter he confesses, “My close friends know that there’s part of me that’s this close to throwing it all in to just go surfing.” He talks at length about a recent surf trip to the North Shore of Hawaii with his son and dwells on how much he loves going back to Lennox Head and surfing the point with old friends. Like most life-long surfers, he also has a weakness for accumulating surfboards. Sensing the easy and irrevers-

ible descent into surf chat, I feel the need to ask Simon a final direct question. Having taken on the responsibility of director and lead actor for a film that will be scrutinised heavily by both surfers and lovers of the book, is he scared about the way the film will be received? “Of course I am, but at the same time I feel comfortable in the fact that I had a dig, I gave it everything I had. I don’t feel like I’m running off the field going, ‘I wish I’d gone in a bit harder.’ I feel at peace with myself in a sense...” For Baker, one milestone at least has already been achieved. I mention that they played a re-run of Big Wednesday down the road at Randwick Ritz a couple of days prior to our meeting. The cult classic surf film has stood the test of time and is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Surfers still love to show up to cinemas and shout out the classic lines from Big Wednesday they remember. Baker lights up when I mention the screening. “They showed the trailer for Breath before it,” he enthuses. For the surfer in Simon this is almost accomplishment enough, to see his film on the same bill as everyone’s favourite surf movie. The rest he feels is perhaps now out of his hands when it comes to Breath. “It’s not my choice as to whether or not it’s good or not, that will bear out over time. I’ll probably be able to know if it’s any good in ten years, just to see where it sits... I wanted to make something that’s got some longevity to it...” If you asked this surfer and book lover, Baker has quite possibly overcome his demons of self-doubt to make a movie that, like the novel, will ultimately be considered an Australian classic. Breath is a coming of age story about resisting complacency, finding like-minded souls, and discovering just how far one breath will take you. For session times and more information, please visit

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Thread has collected over 70 million plastic bottles and provided employment to more than 1,300 Haitians.

TRASH TALK Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Reese Cycle


aste is an issue frequently canvassed in the media and we all appreciate the environmental consequences of our wasteful lifestyles. It is difficult to imagine that anyone today would not be aware of the amount of waste each one of us generates or the difficulties associated with its disposal - the fact that waste is a serious environmental issue would not be news to anyone - but were you aware that 79 per cent of red bin waste could have been avoided, reused or recycled? Over recent decades we have seen Australian governments at all levels attempt to address the problems associated with waste in various ways, including efforts to recycle and to reduce non-recyclables. Unfortunately these efforts have been inadequate. We only have to examine the packaging of our food products, from large and small outlets, to see that most of our food and drinks still come delivered in single-use and often non-recyclable plastics. More recently, China’s Green Sword Policy, which bans the importation of foreign garbage, 54 The Beast | June 2018

has caused our governments to once again focus on improving our generation and disposal of waste. There are many people in our community who would remember times when waste was more limited. Members of my family proudly recall the purchasing of bulk items at the Sullivan’s and Teasdale grocery stores in Clovelly in the 1950s and 1960s, where they returned their glass jars and had them refilled, and where biscuits, flour and other products were sold in paper bags, all home-delivered in a cardboard box. They nostalgically recall washing plastic bags, drying them on the clothes line and reusing them - great stuff ! Before the responsibility for waste and the environment is thrust upon the young, let us please recall the incinerators that adorned many Eastern Suburbs backyards, at least until the 1970s, providing countless hours of family entertainment as anything that could burn went up in flames. I am told that my grandmother objected to the burning of old tyres on the backyard incinerator because it

dirtied the clothes hanging on the Hills Hoist and upset the neighbors. Nothing wrong with billowing clouds of black tar, but you can’t dirty the clothes! Many locals would be personally familiar with the mountains of garbage buried in backyards, including old fridges and even cars. Have you ever tried to dig a hole in an Eastern Suburbs yard and not come across some sort of hidden treasure? The home where I spent my childhood was in Hewlett Street, Bronte. I recall my family wanting to level the yard, only to find a hillside of buried garbage including jars, cans and even an old stove. Put simply, environmental damage is something that generations of Australians have excelled at. While waste is not a new phenomenon, it is pretty obvious that modern lifestyles are adding to the problem. Take the modern drinking straw, which arguably facilitates a more convenient consumption of beverages, for example. While they were originally made from rye grass, during the 1960s

plastics enabled fast and cheap manufacturing and the trend took off. Today, in the United Kingdom and in our own back yard, they are now seriously considering the banning of plastic straws. In the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney community groups like Plastic Free Bronte and local councillor Paula Masselos are working hard to eradicate single-use plastics. In order to address our trash troubles we need coordinated efforts across all levels of government. Consider the NSW Government’s container deposit scheme - great idea, poorly executed. There are currently a measly six machines that have been installed to service more than a million people across Sydney’s Inner West, North Shore and Eastern Suburbs, where residents consume around 40 million bottled and canned drinks every month on average (a Return and Earn reverse vending machine is currently being installed behind the Bondi Pavillion for a 3-month trial). Additionally, most machines fail to take any more than 100 containers at a time, meaning that the most a consumer can recover at any one time is $10, the equivalent of two soy lattés at your local. But, one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Companies like Thread International have set out to produce the most responsible fabrics on the planet and are now using plastic waste to produce shoes in collaboration with Timberland. Nearly every day we see wonderful items for sale at next to no cost, which is fantastic, but so much more needs to be done in a society that appears to value the new above all else. So, if trash excites you as much as me, please feel free to say hello and have a yarn. You’ll often find me at Vinnies on a Sunday afternoon swapping my old stuff for someone else’s. Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own, although we generally agree with them.


Ben CLOVELLY Absolutely! It’s as easy as getting all of the cafes to just stop using them, especially the straws. It should be statewide legislation too. Brisbane City Council has already banned them, and so have a lot of Victorian towns. I work at Bellagio and we don’t use plastic straws at all. We still use plastic bags for our fresh loaves of bread, but only when people actually request one, and we’re stopping that within the next few weeks.

Georgia BONDI Yes, definitely, that’s the only way that would force people to stop using them. And it needs to be done swiftly so that people have no choice but to stop. Maybe it would be inconvenient for people initially, but they would soon adapt. It’s really sad to see the amount of plastic littering the beach these days; banning plastic straws and bags is an easy way to fix the plastic problem and I can’t believe it hasn’t been done already!

Benito MASCOT Yes, because they’re just so bad for the environment. They need to be banned across the board though, not just locally. I work at Huxtons on Bronte and we have never had any plastic bags or straws since the day we opened. It has made no difference whatsoever to our customers, people seriously don’t even notice. There really is no reason for any cafe to need plastic, especially when you can use paper bags. June 2018 | The Beast 55

Run for your life.

MALABAR TO HOST ‘RUNNING OF THE BULLETS’ Satire Kieran Blake Picture Oliver North


housands of adventurous souls will descend upon Malabar Headland National Park next month for the explosive excitement of Running of the Bullets. Runners will traverse a challenging cross-country course along the headland while dodging live ammunition fired from the adjacent rifle range. The starter’s gun will release the runners, as well as a flurry of bullets from the rifle range. Participants then have the option of running, crawling, scrambling, or ducking and weaving their way back to the finish line, where they’ll be presented with a shell casing instead of the ubiquitous finisher’s medal. Thanks to a local engraver, known as Friendly Col, every casing will have an entrant’s name on it. Thrill seekers, and bored office workers, can choose from courses of varying lengths, but every entrant will compete in the ‘Open’ age category. “Once a competitor chooses their distance they’ll be competing

56 The Beast | June 2018

for the one winner’s trophy. The simple reason for removing the age categories is that being young and short is an advantage – most of the bullets should fly over their heads,” explained an event spokesperson. Some prospective participants have apparently been refused the right to wear protective clothing, such as bulletproof vests and helmets, instead receiving a curt message from organisers: “Harden up!” Runners who fall to stray bullets will be buried on the course, alongside the bodies of many Indigenous Australians who were slaughtered on this land just a few hundred years ago. The names of the fallen runners will not be recorded, just as the names of the Indigenous Australians were forgotten by European history. Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, was originally scheduled to fire the starter’s gun, after accepting the invitation from honorary Bra Boy Tony Abbott. Phil later withdrew from the event, however, when his PR team reminded him

that it is no longer considered ‘sporting’ to shoot Indigenous people in the name of the Crown. “After Phil withdrew we considered other suitable candidates. We started scouring the dark web for a Trump supporter to fire the starting gun, but then we realised that no one would make it off the starting line,” stated the spokesperson. Another exciting innovation in this mass participation event is the ‘Schools’ category. At the behest of a conservative politician, naughty school children will take part in lieu of detention, while their armed teachers can ‘take attendance’ from the vantage point of the rifle range. “We’re expecting a lot of interest from school teachers, particularly as they drag themselves through Term 3 of the school year. We’re also anticipating an improvement in classroom behaviour in Term 4.” Entries remain open for the inaugural event, and organisers are urging locals to prove that they are ‘Tougher Than a Spartan’.

d oo H n i b o R

day s r u Th

e h T


sa t h g i n


Local and Original

Thursdays from 7.30pm $5 Coopers Schooners

The Robin Hood

203 Bronte Road, Waverley Phone: 9389 3477

Sometimes you've got to pay to see the cards.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... GAMBLING Words Nat Shepherd Picture Monty Carlo


ustralia loses more money gambling per person than any other developed country. Yay, we win! But seriously, dropping a lazy hundred on the pokies every weekend is just volunteering to be mugged. I’d rather you spent the money on a few lines or a quickie in the Cross. Pokies are called onearmed bandits for a reason - it’s just fraud pretending to be a game. But if you fancy a flutter anyway, The Unreliable Guide is here to guide you through the heads and tails of Lady Luck... POKER MACHINES We have around 20 per cent of the world’s poker machines for 0.3 per cent of its population. The only place in the world with more pokies than NSW is Las Vegas, Nevada. Oh, did I say a lazy hundred? We actually drop 12 billion dollars a year in Australia - 40 per cent of that from gambling addicts who are also losing jobs, families and homes. Victoria’s The Alfred Hospital reports that a fifth of the suicides they deal with are directly linked to the pokies. And it’s easy to get hooked. Modern machines use complex psychological programming to stimulate and reward

58 The Beast | June 2018

the brain - glittering lights, music and spinning wheels. The latest pokies offer multi-line games that fool you into thinking you’re ‘on a roll’, so you keep going. The longer you play, the more you lose. LOTTERIES We all do Lotto, right? Every office has a syndicate, and imagining that big win keeps most of us sane. You spend a few dollars and dream of winning - it’s a laugh. But the odds are so astronomically stacked against you ever winning anything that you might as well throw the money in the magic fountain and make a wish to the Leprechaun King. So, here’s an idea: instead of buying a lottery ticket, everyone in the office puts a fiver into a pot each week and by the end of the year you’ll have a huge wedge of cash to spend on a top night out. CASINOS When I say ‘casino’, you might think of a James Bond lookalike playing blackjack or roulette. Casinos sell the idea of glamour and celebrity in the VIP lounge, but have you been in one lately? I’ll tell you this for free: you won’t find Daniel Craig and he won’t be win-

ning, because the only winner is always the house. Casinos are carefully designed to keep you playing. Look for a 90° angle next time you’re in one - you won’t find any. They are architecturally designed to curve you gently, passively to the next machine or table. And it will probably be a machine rather than a roulette table. Forget 007 playing baccarat - as much as 85 per cent of casino revenue now comes from housewives, grannies and tourists playing the pokies. SYSTEMS Some well-informed sports punters can massage the odds a little in their favour but, despite Rainman’s example, there’s no reliable system for pokies, casino games or lotteries. If there was, or Lady Luck blessed you with an abnormal winning streak, you’d be banned. Or killed. The house is the only one allowed to win. Finally, The Unreliable Guide suggests you ignore the flashing lights, the VIP bullshit and remember only one thing: gambling is for losers. And please get behind in their promotion of pokies-free venues.

The best fun ever! Learn African Drumming & songs and rhythms Percussion with a professional percussion teacher Family fun class (1 hour) Saturdays 10.00am & 11.00am 5-8 yrs group class (40 minutes) Tuesdays 4.40pm Downstairs, 207 Avoca St Randwick Book online at

sing move play

Grab a bargain!

Big Winter Book Fair

Have a rummage through our huge range of ex-Library books and magazines. Woollahra Library at Saturday 7 and Prices start at 50c. Double Bay Sunday 8 July 451 New South Head 10.00am–4.00pm Enjoy live music and free Road, Double Bay face painting for children. For more information visit June 2018 | The Beast 59

A northern bluefin (or longtail) tuna, always a delight to any angler.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS Words and Picture Dan Trotter


hen it rains, it pours - isn’t that the old adage? We all hate a drought, whether it’s in real terms or more metaphorical ones, like love, business, sex or even fishing. We all know that feeling when you just can’t turn a trick, win a project or land that fish. Then there are the times when you just can’t miss. Those are the times to capitalise on. When you feel that streak begin, get on the front foot, make the hard phone calls, ask the big questions and go fishing much more often. As a friend advised me recently, when you get a piece of good news, use the energy and ‘vibe’ it gives you to build and create other ‘good news stories’ and keep that stone rolling. The first three or four months of this year were plagued by a perfect storm of challenging fronts in most areas of my life. But with age and experience comes the knowledge that we just have to stand fast, shoulder to the wind, mindset solid, with the belief that sooner or later the storm will pass and the sun 60 The Beast | June 2018

will once again shine its light on our backs and on the path forward. Fishing has not been exempt from this ‘perfect storm’, but I’ve come to know that when this happens, the more I fish the sooner my time will come for a fish on every cast, so fish more I must. In last month’s article I talked of getting up the coast for a fish with friends, so on my own advice I did just that for a long weekend in May. While the fishing wasn’t red hot, we caught plenty of solid snapper, spotted mackerel, a few small longtail tuna, a solo yellowfin tuna and a few tasty pearl perch and Venus tuskfish. Most importantly, we laughed a lot, got out amongst the elements, told tall tales and forgot about work and the other parts of our lives for at least a few hours every day. It was so good we’ve planned another weekend away for late July! For boat anglers, July in Sydney should be focussed on snapper, John Dory, deep-water kingfish and wide ocean yellowfin tuna.

For those locked to the land there’s plenty to smile about with blackfish and drummer in the ocean washes, and tailor and Australian salmon ready for the taking just a decent cast off many of the ocean rocks along the coastline. Calm days when there’s just a sprinkling of suds close to the stones are the safe ones to fish and usually produce better catches anyway. Don’t risk your life fishing when it’s rough, and make sure you know the rules for rock fishing and the catch and size limits for the fish you’re targeting. If it’s too cold for you to venture out and wash away life’s woes with some fresh, wind-blown saltwater, then perhaps tinkering in the garage with your tackle from the summery months is a better way to spend your time. After all, thinking about trips to come for the avid angler is part of the joy of being a fisherman. Tight lines to you all; keep your fingers crossed for good fishing and your shoulder to the wind.

JULY 2018 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi MONDAY


30 0352 0951 1528 2153

0.38 1.36 0.53 1.72

31 0427 1030 1607 2229

0.39 1.37 0.55 1.67

2 0500 1100 1629 2255

0.47 1.32 0.66 1.69

3 0540 1144 1714 2335

0.50 1.32 0.69 1.62

9 0419 1025 1700 2330

1.39 0.49 1.68 0.53

16 0452 1059 1642 2304

0.18 1.51 0.43 1.93

23 0500 1.24 1046 0.59 1729 1.61





• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter 1.43 0.53 1.47 0.72

8 0313 0933 1605 2225

1.39 0.51 1.56 0.64

14 0309 0910 1450 2120

0.14 1.51 0.36 2.09

15 0400 1004 1545 2212

0.14 1.51 0.38 2.04

1.47 0.49 1.50 0.67

21 0252 0906 1543 2210

1.34 0.55 1.52 0.66

22 0357 0957 1638 2316

1.27 0.58 1.56 0.63

0.42 1.32 0.53 1.75

28 0245 0838 1412 2043

0.39 1.34 0.52 1.76

29 0318 0915 1449 2117

0.38 1.35 0.52 1.75

1.55 0.53 1.35 0.75

6 0111 0753 1415 2004

1.48 0.54 1.39 0.76

10 0522 1.41 1117 0.45 1752 1.81

11 0028 0622 1210 1844

12 0123 0719 1302 1936

0.28 1.47 0.38 2.03

13 0216 0815 1357 2029

0.19 1.49 0.36 2.09

17 0544 1153 1739 2357

0.24 1.50 0.49 1.79

18 0635 0.33 1248 1.49 1841 0.57

19 0051 0726 1345 1946

1.62 0.42 1.48 0.63

20 0149 0815 1445 2058

24 0011 0554 1132 1814

0.57 1.24 0.58 1.65

25 0056 0641 1216 1854

26 0134 0723 1256 1931

0.46 1.29 0.55 1.73

27 0210 0801 1334 2008

Where it all began.

0.45 1.33 0.63 1.74

7 0209 0842 1511 2115

5 0020 0706 1321 1900

0.51 1.27 0.57 1.69

1 0422 1019 1547 2217

4 0621 0.52 1230 1.33 1803 0.73

0.40 1.44 0.41 1.93


Be different.

HERD MENTALITY Words Jeremy Ireland, Psychotherapist Picture Dale Shearer


magine this hypothetical scenario. At three different Bondi cafés, all say within a 100-metre radius, we have a barrage of different people all out to get their Sunday morning caffeine fix. An out-of-town tourist is trying to work out which café is the one for him. He’s done some research and each place has a similar rating. Here begins your dilemma. Café ‘A’ is not packed, but gives the illusion of being busy as most customers are outside either seated or milling around with what appears to be other like-minded hipster-esque types all chewing up data on ‘Insty’ like a horse wearing a chaff bag. Café ‘B’ is a non-descript ‘hole in the wall’ type of joint with a couple of milk crates on the footpath. It’s doing a brisk trade and has a steady stream of clientele who move on once they have received their order. Café ‘C’ appears to be more of a restaurant type of place doing table service, a little reluctant to do takeaways but will do them all the same. The place is packed and has 62 The Beast | June 2018

people queuing down the footpath to get a table. So which one does he choose? Remember, the coffee at each café has been rated pretty much the same. Before we go to his decision it’s worth taking a closer look at the influences going on here. Whether we realise it or not, people tend to have a direct impact on each other’s behaviour. In short, this is known as ‘social influence’, much of which goes on without awareness and tends to be automatic. Simple examples are how laughing and yawning can be ‘contagious’, often without the person affected even realising that they have been. In this sense we as humans tend to lean towards what has the most influence or exerts the most pressure to push us in a certain direction. In other words, we tend to follow the behaviour or lead of others. So why do people conform? The reality is that conformity is the first step towards yielding to influence. Generally speaking, people will change their perceptions, opinions

and behaviour to be consistent with the group. The pressure to conform can be immense, even if subtle. For example, when getting dressed each day - whether it be to go to work, school, the gym, the beach or even visiting the in-laws - do you put on what you feel like wearing or are you putting on something that is appropriate for the scenario? As much as I’d love to wear boardies and thongs when going out for dinner with my inlaws, my decision not to would be influenced by and consistent with group norms. Let’s go back for a moment to our tortured tourist trying to find his coffee. Without him realising, the mere fact that Café ‘C’ has a large crowd draws him in like a moth to a flame. The truth is, the less informed our tourist believes himself to be and the more informed he believes others to be, the more likely he is to follow the crowd - surely all those people in the queue must know something he doesn’t. Perhaps what he doesn’t know is that deep down in most of us there is a natural tendency to conform - we like being right, we like being liked and we like to fit in to gain social acceptance. It is understandable that people have mixed feelings about conformity and will never admit they’re conforming to the group (unless you follow AFL). After all, research shows that we tend to see others to be more conforming than ourselves. Why? Well, when judging one’s self we are looking inwards and being introspective, thus being blinded by our own conformity. It’s worth noting that not everyone gets pulled by the magnet of conformity. People who resist the influence of the mob are considered independent, assertive, even defiant. So the next time you feel yourself being lured by the mob, remember it is our natural tendency to conform and to feel part of a group. As Mark Twain once said: “We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going and then go with the drove.”


Bondi Counselling Services

Grad. Dip. Psychology Dip. Counselling B.A. Comm.


VOLUNTEERS for CHARINGFIELD Do you have some spare time to make an aged care resident’s day? We are looking for kind, compassionate and generous people who would like to enhance the lives of our elderly residents.

Help and support with:

We have a group with diverse backgrounds and interests who have time on their hands and would enjoy a visit from locals in Waverley and the Eastern Suburbs.


Most of our residents are locals with a rich history and knowledge of the area. Any local memorabilia such as books, photos or posters would be gratefully accepted and a great conversation starter. Volunteers who speak another language are appreciated.

Please contact us at Charingfield Hostel

Phone 0400 420 042

Phone: 9369 5444 Email:

Suicide Impacting Me Support Group Have you been touched by suicide?






13 11 14



For help, call Lifeline:


This free, safe and confidential group is professionally facilitated by a clinical psychologist and qualified social worker. Only those of us who have This support group is non-denominational. experienced such a tragedy A light supper is provided. can truly appreciate its Tuesday 3 July overwhelming impact on us all. 6.00pm–7:30pm JewishCare, You are not alone, together 3 Saber St Woollahra we can support each other. RSVP


You are in good hands

promoting life • preventing suicide

June 2018 | The Beast 63

Nothing to see here.

DOING THE GEOFFREY BOYCOTT, RONALDO STYLE Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa bin Ahmed al-Than


occer, football, kick-kick-goal, whatever you want to call it, is currently balls-deep into its greatest show, the FIFA World Cup; where good grace goes to die. There have been more than a few utterances that any half decent person would turn their televisions off and eyes away from what is ultimately one huge middle finger pointed directly at humanity. Corruption? Check. Corporate greed? You betcha! Host nation with a questionable human rights record? Can I get an Amen?! Yet, despite all this, there’s a good chance I’ll be watching it, though I truly hope not. There are countless moments in our lives when our mettle is tested. Some of us stand tall, or kneel like Kaepernick, while most of us usually fold like a $20 bill neatly into the linings of our wallet. I am one of the latter - I don’t want to be, but I am. It is primarily due

64 The Beast | June 2018

to a profound laziness, but also a fatalistic resignation that I can’t truly change anything so I may as well get my piece of the pie too. It’s a terrible confession, but at least I’m aware of it. If the horrible, systematic corruption throughout FIFA isn’t enough to put steel into my spine, Russia’s questionable foreign policies and Israel Folau-like attitude to homosexuals might do it. We won’t want to go too deeply into all of that though, lest the fine editors of this publication find themselves victims of chemical assassination while draining their lattés down at Bronte Beach. There is also, I admit, the mildest case of sour grapes. Deep down within me, in a dark place, perhaps one that can only be entered via a trapdoor, there is a voice whispering, “I wish we had been corrupt enough to host it.” I mean, corruption is great when you’re the one in

the Gucci loafers, isn’t it? But jokes aside, as I write this article I honestly have no idea which way I will go - heck, I don’t even know if I was joking about wanting those Gucci loafers. By the time this edition has been printed and delivered all over the Eastern Suburbs the tournament will be entering its knockout phase, and if Australia has made it I can almost guarantee my resolve will have disappeared into a wave of euphoric nationalism (unless I’m too sleepy to stay awake for the games, because sleepiness trumps everything these days). The good thing is, if I do succumb, I’ll have another opportunity in four years to right this year’s wrongs. Because in four years we have Qatar, where good grace and migrant workers go to die. Still, it would be nice to see Timmy Cahill go around one last time...

It’s that time of year again, as the Beach Breaks Carnival rolls into town to Maroubra Beach on Sunday 29 July. This event is one of our most popular, and is a huge family day out with a great range of colourful market stalls and plenty of mouthwatering food and drink on offer. It’s a chance to celebrate all things surfing at Maroubra, NSW’s first ever National Surfing Reserve. We’ll have a host of free activities including surfboard and skateboard airbrushing, surf lessons, amusement rides, face painting, tarot reading and music from our festival DJ. It’s also where we unveil the new inductees into the ‘Australian Surfing Walk of Fame’, where we honour our great watermen and women and lay a plaque in their honour on the promenade. Don’t miss out on a vibrant community event that celebrates the proud surfing history and culture of Maroubra Beach! As we move into winter, it’s important to remember to seal up your homes ahead of cooler temperatures. We’re committed to helping residents heat smartly this winter – did you know that portable electric heaters are big energy guzzlers? Gas heaters are a bit more efficient, but the cheapest way of heating your home is your reverse cycle air conditioning, which can cost as little as 13c an hour to run. Just remember to set them to 18°c and put on a jumper if you’re still cold. Remember, Council has partnered with Our Energy Future to offer free advice around energy saving lights, insulation, solar panels and battery storage suppliers. There’s no obligation when you get in touch and we only recommend approved suppliers. For more information, call 1300 339 915 or visit Councillor Lindsay Shurey Mayor of Randwick

3 July Free Food Handler Workshop

5:30-8:00pm Randwick Room, Randwick Town Hall 90 Avoca Street, Randwick

18 July Author Talk: Eleanor Limprecht

6:30-7:30pm Margaret Martin Library Level 1, Royal Randwick Shopping Centre Belmore Road, Randwick

6 July Lucky is Back - Free for HSC Students

5:00-7:00pm Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

21 July Verbal Combat - Cyber Safety Performance

1:00-2:00pm Randwick Literary Institute 90 Clovelly Road, Randwick

9-13 July & 16-20 July Vacation Care

7:30am-6:00pm Des Renford Leisure Centre Cnr Robey Street & Jersey Road, Maroubra

30 July Free CPR and First Aid (0-8 Years)

10:00am-12:00pm Margaret Martin Library Level 1, Royal Randwick Shopping Centre Belmore Road, Randwick


Monthly plough reminder.

WHY YOU SHOULD SCHEDULE SEX Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Buster Flange


ne issue my clients with relationship problems often complain about is the fact that their sex life has become boring. They remember the days when they had sex a lot and it was spontaneous. It just happened; there was no planning, thinking or scheduling involved and it was usually fun and exciting. But the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth - it just isn't. Sex doesn't just mysteriously happen; if you want to have great sex you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it. The best way to do that is planning or scheduling sex, which can be as romantic and enjoyable as other pleasurable planned activities. We plan the shopping, the cooking and other activities for enjoyment. When you plan a beautiful dinner, you have to work out what to buy and cook. When you go on a holiday, you have to decide when, what destination and what 66 The Beast | June 2018

hotels to book. These activities involve anticipation, which is part of the fun. So why should planning to have sex be different? I remind women of the early days when they were dating; when they would wash the sheets, shave their legs and wear sexy underwear to make sure they would look good, just in case! Wasn't that also some sort of planning? Setting time aside for sex and making a date with your partner may sound odd, but it's a really good idea. You have time to prepare and can devote your attention to each other. It's nice to dress up and have a romantic dinner, like you used to have in the early years. You don't always need to go out either, you can come up with some fun ideas to do at home. Start foreplay early in the morning on the day you expect to have sex, and do nice things like text or call each other during the day, or maybe send a sexy email. Sex is supposed to be fun, and the more

fun you make it the more enjoyable it will be. Be more spontaneous; you can try new positions, use different toys, wear sexy lingerie or do anything that creates a special mood. Make the bedroom look more inviting by removing the clutter and get some dimmer lights and candles. Determine which time of day you prefer to have sex. It doesn't have to be at the end of the evening when you go to bed and both of you are tired or exhausted. It needn't be in the bedroom either, so use your imagination. Not everyone likes sex early in the morning but set your alarm half an hour earlier and give it a try. For parents, plan having sex during the day or on the weekend when it may be easier to have the children looked after or parked somewhere for a while. Keep in mind, if you don’t plan time with your partner to have sex and be intimate, desire can slowly fade away.

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Bronte Pool Council will be doing essential upgrading works to Bronte Pool which means the pool will be closed from 4 June to August (weather permitting). The pool’s electrics and pipework need upgrading and we will be installing a pre-pump strainer and remote automatic control. We’ll also be doing general maintenance and repairs meaning Bronte Pool will be safe and clean for everyone. Council has delayed this work so that swimmers could enjoy school holiday swimming and take advantage of the extended summer weather. This may result in a longer time frame than expected due to more challenging swell conditions, however we will work very hard to ensure the pool re-opens as quickly as possible.

Reconciliation Week Recently we celebrated Reconciliation Week and heard stories about the lasting effects on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people of the Stolen Generation. Waverley Council has its own Reconciliation Action Plan which is being updated at the moment. The plan acknowledges the dispossession of Indigenous people and the suffering which resulted from it, including the loss of land, children, culture and life. Council has a working group who have discussed ways Council can work towards reconciliation in our departments. We will be asking for community input later on in the year.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB

Events Stiff Gins and Mi-kaisha in Concert Friday 13 July, 7–9.30pm Bondi Pavilion Theatre Join us for a night of remarkable storytelling and song with this dynamic combination of some of Australia’s most loved and respected Aboriginal female artists, the Stiff Gins and Mi-kaisha in concert at the Bondi Pavilion Theatre. Bookings via Eventbrite au/e/stiff-gins-and-mi-kaishain-concert-at-the-bondipavilion-theatretickets-45850538194

Bondi Winter Magic 28 June to 29 July 2018 Various locations around Bondi Bondi will once again be transformed into Sydney’s Winter playground by the sea. Go for a twirl on the famous beachside ice rink or check out the 360 degree view from the Bondi Vista ferris wheel. The Bondi Winter Magic program also includes a range of art, culture and history with Bondi and District Chamber of Commerce’s On the Streets series of music and art and our Bondi History Walks. For more information, visit For more event info visit our website

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SURF’S UP ON SUSTAINABLE FASHION Self-proclaimed ‘surfing rebels’ and ocean lovers Amy Lynch and Annie Pryor are putting their passion into giving back through their recycled fashion label Bondi Bandits. Their unisex sustainable kids’ rashies are made from discarded and recycled fishing nets, and swim bags are 100 per cent recyclable to combat single-use plastic bags. “We hope to educate future generations about the importance of reducing plastic pollution in our oceans,” Lynch said. “We believe if everyone just did one little thing the world would be a brighter place.”

Better call SoL.

LOCALS MAKING PLASTIC-FREE THEIR BUSINESS Interview Nicola Saltman - Sustainable Communities, Waverley Council


icking the plastic habit is not only giving our planet a break, it’s making good business sense. To celebrate Plastic Free July, meet the entrepreneurs and business folk who are innovating, designing and educating in our local patch to help create a plastic-free world for us all. REVOLUTIONISING THE REUSABLE CUP Eighteen months ago, 24 year-old Rebecca Veksler was bedridden due to a debilitating illness. Driven by a passion to do something positive for the environment and her health, SoL Cups was born when she designed a reusable hand-blown glass and silicon cup aimed at helping to reduce plastic production. “The fact is, it’s all well and good for us and consumers to use reusable items, but they still have a life span. We need to consider the

68 The Beast | June 2018

end life; where will it end up?” she explained. With products now distributed worldwide, she remains grounded and healthy. “It’s very much a family business, it has a lot of love behind it.” PIES ‘SANS’ PLASTIC Shocked by the suffocating state of our oceans due to plastic, Angie Stevenson of Funky Pies, Bondi, removed all plastic drink bottles from her café, even while it meant changing drink suppliers. “I am worried about the state of the earth when my 9 year-old is an adult,” she said. The café also only offers corn starch cutlery, sugarcane pulp takeaway containers, recycled cardboard boxes, plant-based packaging for wholesale pies and paper straws. “Customers don’t even know they are missing plastic!”

NIPPING BAD HABITS Long-time Bondi Surf Lifesaving Club members Brett Pattinson and George Sabados couldn’t help but notice the mountains of plastic water bottles being wasted at the beach each year. Determined to change this, they launched Clean Oceans Initiative to help educate and empower thousands of young nippers and their parents by installing water refill stations and giving out steel reusable bottles and cups at surf clubs. “We hope that through prevention via education we are turning the tide on plastics in our oceans,” said Pattinson. Having inspired Bondi, Clovelly, Coogee, North Cronulla and Era surf clubs to move towards zero waste, they are now receiving requests for their program from local schools. TIPS FOR OTHERS KEEN TO MAKE A CHANGE General consensus is to start small, question things, do the research, ask for help, leave perfection at the door, get a refill station and arm your staff and customers with reusable goods! Hear from Bondi Bandits and SoL Cups at the Doing Good in the ‘Hood celebration event on Sunday, July 1 at the Bondi Pavilion. Book at




n the southwest corner of Western Australia, about 3,300 kilometres east of Sydney as the crow flies, lies the magnificent Margaret River region. I recently spent five nights with my partner in Margaret River, which included two nights at Bunker Bay in the world-class, award winning Pullman Bunker Bay Resort, and three nights at the perfectly located Margarets Beach Resort, just a stone’s throw from some of the best surfing beaches in the world. This was our first time to Margaret River. We’d always heard about its rugged coastline, magnificent surf, world-class wineries and national parks, but it was not until we actually went there that we could comprehend the dramatic beauty of the region. The Pullman Bunker Bay Resort is located at the northern end of the Margaret River region. Close by is the sparkling Bunker Bay, with its plethora of beaches and its many great surf breaks and national parks. Once settled into our gorgeous studio villa, we took a casual walk though the resort and within minutes we wound our way down to Bunker Beach where some resident fishermen, a few surfers and a local walking his dog were enjoying this piece of paradise. After a most refreshing swim in the sparkling Indian Ocean and a walk on the beach we were soon in the car making the short drive towards Eagle Bay, passing some magnificent countryside on the way. Our first stop was Point Picquet, a popular local surf spot. For a veteran surfer like myself, I couldn’t get my borrowed 9’6” mal off the roof quick enough. The conditions were perfect - a one-metre swell, gentle offshore wind and not too many people in the water. 70 The Beast | June 2018

After a heap of waves I dried off and we continued our journey a few more miles further down the coast to Castle Rock, where we took a two-hour return walk to the town of Dunsborough. The walk took us through bush and over beaches with only the company of the local birdlife. One doesn’t go to Margaret River without stopping off at a winery or two (there are 187 wineries in the region), and our first port of call was a place called Wise Wine. Our host at the cellar door was a champion bloke. He went glass for glass with us as he explained the history of the place and described each wine with a casual approach that left us thoroughly entertained and a little tipsy. Needless to say I had to pass the car keys over to my more sober significant other who wisely held back after a couple of wines knowing that the occasion and company would almost certainly get the better of me! On our way back to the Pullman we ventured to the rugged and renowned Yallingup Beach (a must visit for any surfing tragic) where the surf was, thankfully, wild and windblown. I’m not sure I would’ve gone too well among the breakers with a belly full of the region’s finest sauvignon blanc (and more than my fair share of cheese and crackers). From there, with the sun slowly setting, we stopped off at nearby Sugarloaf Rock, a spot known for its dramatic coastal sunsets, where we were duly rewarded as the melting sun slowly slipped into the Indian Ocean and disappeared from sight. The view was so spectacular it was difficult to know whether to sit back and enjoy the moment or get heavy on the camera shutter and ensure it was captured for eternity - luckily the iPhone camera’s time lapse mode and a

handy little travel tripod allowed us to do both! We reluctantly left beautiful Bunker Bay for our next destination, the Margarets Beach Resort, which is located smack-bang on the spectacular Margaret River Coast. We soon forgot all else as we stood on our balcony taking in the epic views of the Indian Ocean swell crashing onto the outer reefs and beaches. We had planned our trip to coincide with the last couple of days of the WSL Margaret River Pro surfing contest, but due to some large, uninvited great white sharks, which attacked two surfers just six kilometres from the contest site, it was agreed to end the contest prematurely, a decision that caused the contest CEO and the local community much grief. I decided to have a surf where the contest was held before it was cancelled and looked up at the headland to see the abandoned empty stands and the vacant judges’ area. Just days before the place was going off, with huge crowds watching the world-class surfers doing their thing. I caught a heap of waves, didn’t see a single shark and, thankfully (at this stage of my surfing career), the predicted larger swell was yet to arrive! We absolutely fell in love with Margaret River and we’ve now got fond memories embedded in our minds and on our memory sticks forever. Pullman Bunker Bay Resort (08) 9756 9100 Margarets Beach Resort (08) 9757 1227 Wise Wine (08) 9750 3103

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POWERFULLY SUBTLE: GOOD ONE, BONDI Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Andrew McIntosh Instagram @oceancurves


he Bondi restaurant market is a tough one. With the locals’ insatiable demand for brunch and plenty of already existing establishments to match, it’s hard to know whether to give the people what they want (eggs, avo, halloumi and more eggs, please) or buck the trend and offer something alternative. Good One has miraculously found a comfortable sweet spot slap bang in the middle of both. Situated just off the corner of Warners and Wairoa Avenues, it neighbours Camilla Boutique and Harry’s Espresso Bar - very accessible, very Bondi. The vibe is relaxed and just ever so slightly beachy with soft cushions and blue, teal and grey decor. The space isn’t huge but it isn’t cramped either and there are tables outside if you fancy some fresh air. Good One offers a range of toasts, as well as a very diverse all-day menu. It has pretty much everything a Bondi resident could want: bircher muesli, granola, hotcakes, all kinds of eggs or a breakfast roll for those pesky hangovers.

76 The Beast | June 2018

They also offer smoked fish, sweet potato and spicy sausage, and all sorts of other mouth-watering dishes you probably wouldn’t have a clue how to make at home. I went for the gluten-free potato gnocchi, which came with mushrooms, truffle ricotta, almonds, parmesan and a poached egg (seriously, eggs are a genuine necessity in Bondi). Beautifully presented and flavoursome, it was filling but not heavy. The sauce was creamy and somehow simultaneously rich and light, and I surmised that Fred, their Argentinian chef, may be an actual God. My plus-one opted for the folded eggs, which consisted of eggs (funnily enough), capers, chilli, sourdough and bonito - the fish of the day - which was smoked in-house. This dish was also beautifully presented and the flavours both powerful and subtle at once. I should probably note at this point that this was actually my second lunch of the day. Our booking was at 3pm and I was absolutely ravenous by midday so I had an early lunch to keep my hanger at

bay (the struggle is indeed real). So you’d probably be thinking that dessert would be off the table for me. Unfortunately for my waistline however, the plethora of cakes and treats on offer were too tempting for my greedy guts to refuse. Unable to resist anything chocolate from an alarmingly early age, I chose the chocolate and pistachio brownie, while my companion selected the orange and date scone, which was baked in-house. Both were absolutely delicious. I would never have thought to put dates and orange together, much less in a scone, but the result was divine. Like any decent establishment in the Eastern Suburbs these days, Good One caters for all sorts of dietary requirements with suitable options for paleo, vegan and gluten-free diets, including the irresistible selection of cakes. For coffee snobs, I mean enthusiasts, they use New Zealand roasters, Allpress Espresso. For me, coffee is pretty much coffee, but I was reliably told by my somewhat ‘particular’ companion that Allpress is up there with the best (she actually got into a lengthy and highly animated conversation with one of the owners about their coffee supplier while I just nodded and smiled). All in all, Good One is an exceptional addition to an already fabulously rich tapestry of restaurants and coffee shops in Bondi. It’s in a great location with fun staff and a diverse menu full of wonderfully presented food for a variety of diets. And to top it all off, the coffee is bloody good too! Good One Address 132 Warners Avenue, Bondi Beach Facebook Good One Bondi Beach Instagram @GoodOneBondi Phone 9130 7787 Open 7 days: 6.30am-4.00pm Prices Toast Menu: $8-14; AllDay Menu: $12-25 Cards Accepted Visa and MasterCard Licensed Not yet, watch this space

Come and get your fix.

FIX WINE BAR & RESTAURANT AND WINE CLUB Words and Picture Alex Russell Twitter @ozwineguy


ix Wine Bar was previously known as Fix St James. It’s been around since 2006, near St James Station at 111 Elizabeth Street in the city. The owner and sommelier is Stuart Knox, known for wearing red shoes and for his love of introducing people to new and interesting grapes, wine styles and labels. He’s got some pretty big feathers in his cap, like being the SMH Good Food Guide Sommelier of the Year in 2012 and being a Len Evans Scholar (which is a pretty big deal). The restaurant is fantastic. I hadn’t been in for some time, but the 1kg T-bone still sits proudly on the menu. The wild boar meatballs and whole rainbow trout also look pretty appetising. But what jumped out at me was the wine list; pages and pages of awesome wines from all corners of the globe. Rare (and expensive) labels like Joh Jos Prum (incredible rieslings), ‘amber’ wines (white wines made like a red, which are

incredible when you try them but also a little confronting at times), and various other bits in there too. I just sat there with the wine list, thoroughly enjoying the read. It even has some explanations, as well as a few little jokes thrown in. So imagine how excited I was when I found out that Fix now has an online wine store. This guy speaks my language: interesting, different wines that really get you thinking. I jumped on to to check it out, then I discovered the wine club. Simply tell him the kind of thing that you like and he’ll send you six bottles (or a dozen if you like) each quarter for about $180, or $340 for the dozen, and this includes freight. So for about $30 a bottle you’re getting awesome wines chosen for you and shipped to your door. It’s like having your own personal wine shopper doing the work for you. My first pack arrived the other day and I was really happy with

the selection. Two wines from one of my favourite little producers (Ruggabellus), and then a bunch of other wines that I hadn’t come across before. It’s a great way to find new and interesting stuff. Of course there are plenty of other fascinating wines available for sale on the website, so you can add a few additional bottles as you browse. You can also set your preferences (reds, whites or a mix) and you’re not locked into any contracts, so you can cancel whenever you like or skip a shipment if you’re heading away. And you get first access to interesting wines that Stuart buys before he sells them through the store to the general public. It’s a pretty bloody good deal. It’s probably worth making it clear here that I get no commission for this. Fix is just a great little wine club that I’m pretty excited about and I wanted to share the good news. I only wish he shipped a little more often! June 2018 | The Beast 77

1 cup mung beans ½ cup alfalfa sprouts 2 cups rocket 2 stalks celery, finely chopped ¼ cup parsley leaves plus finely chopped stalks ¼ bunch basil, leaves roughly torn 3 teaspoons dried mint (optional but delicious and can be used in lots of other dressings too) 4 Asian shallots, white part finely chopped ½ cup walnuts, roughly chopped ¼ cup raisins/sultanas/currants (whatever is on hand) 3 tablespoons mini capers 1 green apple, finely sliced 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar Sea salt and black pepper Tahini yoghurt dressing ¾ cup Greek natural yoghurt (or use coconut yoghurt for dairy-free) 1 ½ tablespoons tahini

Be adventurous.



his month’s recipe is a bit like a waldorf salad, but with a seriously nutritious punch! Lately I’ve been enjoying just throwing in a bit of this and a bit of that, being creative with whatever is on hand to come up with some delicious, healthy salads. Chickpeas and sprouts are the hero in this one, and you’ll be seeing sprouts popping up a lot in my recipes because they’re always on hand (and if it’s on hand it’s going in), and because these tiny sprouts are rich in proteolytic enzymes. Proteolytic enzymes help digest protein and carbohydrates, so they are highly valuable to us in the diet, and sprouts are one of the richest sources of these. I’ve used mung and alfalfa here, but if I had just a little bit more time I would try to sprout my own

78 The Beast | June 2018

chickpeas too, but just use what’s on hand and whatever’s easy for you to bring this beauty together. There are plenty of sprouts out there to play with and integrate into your meals throughout the week, so be adventurous - broccoli sprouts will be next on my list. You can team this salad up with a piece of protein of your choice - fresh fish or chicken would be delicious - or you can enjoy it as is, because there are plenty of lovely sources of plant-based proteins. This recipe is vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, and serves four people as a side. INGREDIENTS Sprouty chickpea salad 2 cups cooked chickpeas (about 2 tins organic chickpeas, rinsed and drained)

METHOD 1. In a large mixing bowl, toss together chickpeas, mung beans, alfalfa, rocket, celery, herbs, shallots, walnuts, raisins, capers and apple; 2. Drizzle extra virgin olive oil and apple cider vinegar over the salad, and season with sea salt and black pepper and toss again gently; 3. In a small bowl, whisk together yoghurt and tahini; 4. When ready to serve, arrange onto a large serving bowl or platter with generous dollops of tahini yoghurt. This wholesome recipe was kindly provided by local nutritionist and author Jacqueline Alwill, @brownpapernutrition. To order the newly launched Brown Paper Eats vegetarian, ready-made, home-delivered meals, please visit


We’re helping families to keep costs down with the Active Kids Program Have you applied to get your $100 voucher for each of your school age children? The NSW Government is helping parents to cover the costs of registration and membership for activities like netball, soccer, cricket, gymnastics or swimming lessons. Every family in the Coogee Electorate with a child enrolled in school from Kindergarten to Year 12 will be eligible for the Active Kids Program. The voucher is redeemable through approved sport, fitness and physical activity providers upon registration. To find out more, visit:

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ARCTIC MONKEYS Tranquility Base Hotel Label Domino Recording Co. Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  When I heard the new Arctic Monkeys album was going to be ‘divisive’ I immediately panicked. Nothing says ‘self-indulgent wank-fest’ like ‘divisive’. And I was right, it is a self-indulgent wank-fest and a glorious one at that. It’s like Alex Turner walked into a piano bar, sat down on stage, poured himself a glass of whisky and unleashed his brilliant thoughts upon the keys, his phrasing becoming more fluid with every sip until the manager finally had enough and ordered security to remove the magnificent bastard. Listen to this a few times and you’ll enjoy it for the rest of your life.

THE RUBENS LO LA RU Label Ivy League Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

FILM REVIEW TITLE Upgrade GENRE Sci-Fi, Action REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador Australian writer/director Leigh Whannell’s (Saw, Insidious franchise) latest film, and his first foray into the sci-fi genre, is an awesomely violent and techno-laden view of society in the near future. Grey Trace’s (Logan Marshall-Green) world is thrown into chaos when he becomes a quadriplegic after he and his wife Asha (Melanie Vallejo) are brutally attacked. Spiralling into depression and with suicidal thoughts, he is offered a radically experimental procedure called STEM that will restore and turbo-boost his damaged body. With his new improved and upgraded abilities his sole focus becomes one of revenge, and when STEM, which has a mind of its own, is given temporary control over Grey’s body, events take a devastatingly brutal yet strangely comical downward turn for his enemies. With each new encounter of Grey’s STEM the body count increases in the most imaginative and breathtakingly violent manner. Sure, some moments are disjointed (pun intended!), and it isn’t breaking any new ground by ticking all the boxes for a ‘revenge-action’ film, but it is intriguingly original in its stylistically brutal delivery. So if you like your sci-fi action flicks relentless and slightly off, just sit back and enjoy the ride. 80 The Beast | June 2018

The second best thing out of Menangle (after harness racing), The Rubens are quickly becoming Australia’s second most reliable hit-makers (after Dylan Napa). They can certainly write a single, but can they write an album? I’m not so sure. This feels more like a collection of good songs, with a couple of exceptional ones thrown in. “That is an album, you idiot!” I hear you yell. Well, I disagree. I like an arc - some sort of story between the lines. In the age of streaming it’s probably a dying art, but I reckon The Rubens have one in them. The only question is, can they be bothered to write it?

FATHER JOHN MISTY God’s Favorite Customer Label Sub Pop Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  God’s favourite hipster has once again delivered us some bearded (albeit now trimmed) introspection. Given his confession that the album was written during a period of poor mental health, it is perhaps no coincidence there are strong hints of Elliott Smith strewn throughout. For this reason I can’t pretend that I really enjoyed listening to it. It’s bloody depressing. Fans of his will no doubt shout “Praise be!” to another chapter from their minstrel messiah, but those on the fence, such as me, are unlikely to remove the pickets from the crack just yet.






















ACROSS 1. Wilt Chamberlain’s sport (10) 7. Also known as, abbrev. (1,1,1) 8. Bloody good Australian cricketer (3,7) 9. In 1990, Ken Griffey Jr became the first major league baseball player to play alongside his ... (3) 10. Hitting a ball before it hits the ground (6) 13. Handy for catching fish (3) 15. Forrest Gump represented the USA in which sport? (4,4) 16. Birds build these (5) 19. Eastern European country that annually hosts the International Ice Cricket Tournament (7) 21. Main NFL team that OJ Simpson played for (7,5)

DOWN 1. Sport that uses a shuttlecock (9) 2. Used to repair divots in golf (4) 3. Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ... (3) 4. Tactic employed by England in the 1932-33 Ashes (8) 5. The World’s Fastest Indian was based on breaking the ... speed record (4) 6. Maradona’s goal in the 1986 World Cup (4,2,3) 11. To play sport against (6) 12. Loss of fine motor skills in athletes usually attributed to golf (4) 14. Starts a game of golf (4,3) 17. A high kick (4) 18. Colloquial term for a ball in a lot of sports (4) 20. Scoring runs if the ball hits the batsman’s body or protective gear, abbrev. (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi 1. Who is Jon Voight’s daughter? 2. What is cilantro also known as? 3. Who shot Mr. Burns in the Simpson’s episode, Who Shot Mr. Burns? 4. Which father and daughter trainers are tied for winning the most Golden Slipper Stakes?

5. Lee Harvey Oswald shot John F. Kennedy; who shot Oswald? 6. Who was the lead singer of Sherbet? 7. Where is the lowest natural point in Australia? 8. A Mach number (M or Ma) is a dimensionless quantity used to

compare the speed of objects to the speed of what? 9. Which country has the only non-rectangular flag in the modern world? 10. According to Forbes, which Sydney suburb has Australia’s highest median house price?

Tsunami. June 2018 | The Beast 81

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 You’re trapped, whether you realise it or not, and if you don’t break free and escape soon you’re going to be trapped forever.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Don’t be ashamed of your sexual fetishes; heaps of people find it difficult to admit to putting carrots in their bottom, but it’s totally sweet.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 If you valued other people’s time as much as you value your own, you wouldn’t be such an unreliable prick, and less people would hate you.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Whenever you see someone doing something you deem to be immoral, abuse them in the street, because you are the world’s moral compass.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 They say ‘money can’t buy you love’, but it can buy you a hooker, which is something you should consider if your form doesn’t improve soon.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 If the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done is receive a parking fine, you’re not pushing the boundaries enough. Steal something, at least.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 There’s nothing wrong with being confident, but you should always remain humble in the knowledge that you’re good at everything.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 You’ve really got to sort out your diet or you’re going to wind up needing a crane to lift you off your couch and into the lap band clinic.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 One of your mates will hook up with some hilarious Mexican chick and they’ll get married and have babies and live happily ever after.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 Going around in circles is better than going so far in one direction that you can’t get back to the comfort from whence you came.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 You should never feel pressured to take drugs, unless you just want to fit in and be accepted around the Eastern Suburbs.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 Shelve the investment you’re about to make; even if it yields positive returns, it won’t be enough to compensate for the stress it causes.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. Angelina Jolie 2. Coriander 3. Maggie Simpson 4. Gai Waterhouse and T.J. Smith (both won 6) 5. Jack Ruby 6. Daryl Braithwaite 7. Lake Eyre 8. Sound 9. Nepal 10. Point Piper ($12.5 million)

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The Beast - July 2018  

The July 2018 edition of The Beast featuring Simon Baker...

The Beast - July 2018  

The July 2018 edition of The Beast featuring Simon Baker...