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July 2017


Celebrating the Human Form













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WELCOME TO JULY 2017... COLDER THAN A WITCH'S TIT Words Dan Hutton Picture Jem Cresswell


elcome to the July 2017 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East! We cannot believe that we are on to our seventh edition of the year – yep, we’re already more than half way through 2017 and we still feel like Christmas was just yesterday. It’s also worth noting that this is in fact the 150th edition of The Beast, so happy milestone issue to us! The cold has now well and truly set in, and we find ourselves vigilantly watching over our umbrellas as they sit outside cafes, vulnerable to the preying clutches of passersby who were silly enough to leave home without one. If you haven’t got your heater cranked up to the ‘tropical’ setting yet, you’re of a stronger constitution than us! This month, from July 18 to 29, Bondi will be home to Bondi Feast, an awesome local celebration of theatre, food, and fun. We

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particularly can’t wait for local lad Michael Dean’s epic production of the classic ‘Bluebeard’, which will be performed in the old shower blocks at Bondi Pavilion. Literally. Maroubra’s Beach Breaks Carnival will also return on July 23, so schedule that one in for a few hours of stuffing your face and watching people much fitter than you doing cool stuff on their surfboards.

This month in the mag we’ve got a real mixed bag of stories for you. Member for Kingsford Smith Matt Thistlethwaite waxes

lyrical about housing affordability, we take a look at the Bronte café outdoor seating hour changes that are rubbing businesses and customers up the wrong way, and we catch up with Maroubra big wave surfer Mark Mathews, who, despite nearly losing his lower leg in a surfing accident last October, is now making an unbelievable return. We also pay tribute to local legend Pat Saunders, who sadly passed away doing what he loved in the jungles of Indonesia last month. On the cover this month is Bondi artist Martine Emdur, best known for her totally immersive and amazing life-like paintings of figures submerged underwater. Martine was an absolute breath of fresh air – no nonsense, ridiculously modest, and incredibly talented. We hope you enjoy the mag. Dan and James Publishers


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hen I arrived at Coogee the next morning he was in Trenerry Reserve, nervously waxing up his 10’2. After some small talk I left him to his demons and made my way down onto the rock shelf where I set up my big lens and camera. The waves were gigantic! 12-15 feet with bigger sets in the 20-foot range breaking way outside. It was howling south westerly, overcast, and absolutely freezing. Jeremy waited patiently for his dangerous dash across the shelf and into the turbulent water. Some time not long after, Pat Saunders paddled out too, but I never saw him because I decided to move further south along the cliff as the spray was making it difficult to get a clear shot of the waves from where I was positioned. It was so big I had to get higher up in order to get a clearer view of the massive swells pouring into the bay. It was such a rare, big, long period swell - “The biggest Wedding Cake ever paddled,” Jeremy told me. There were long lulls between the sets and not many waves were being ridden. I remember Jeremy getting a nice one all the way through, but also being a little frustrated waiting for another wave to be ridden. I noticed that a couple more surfers had made their way out and eventually a giant set appeared. I could see someone with their head down, paddling frantically towards shore. The monstrous swell began to rear up, lifting the tiny black figure high onto its peak, yet he continued to scratch hard in an attempt to catch it. As the surfer jumped to his feet, the strong offshore wind held him back and I remember thinking that he had jumped up too early and should have taken a few more strokes - I thought I was about to get the ultimate wipeout shot of some crazy human cartwheeling over the falls on this massive moving mountain. At the very last moment, however, he somehow managed to shift his weight forward enough to get his surfboard pointing down the face and, with his body fully extended and practically weightless, gravity took over and he slid downward out of the lip with his feet still planted firmly on the deck of his nine-foot plus board. Pat ended up making that drop and riding the wave right to the channel, before paddling back out to join the small crew of wave warriors floating like tiny specs in the middle of the ocean. Jeremy later told me that when Pat paddled out that day he was frothing with excitement, stoked just to be out there surfing with a few others on one of those rare big surf days at home. - Bill Morris

R.I.P. Pat Saunders, September 26, 1968 - May 29, 2017


JULY 2017 ISSUE 150

06 Welcome Note

43 Trade Directory

64 Street Style

10 Pearls of Wisdom

50 Rupert’s Rant

68 Local Photos

09 Contents

12 Monthly Mailbag 20 Local Chick 22 Local Bloke

24 Thumbs & Dogs 26 Local News 27 Beastpop I 42 Calendar

44 Interview

51 Beastpop II

52 Fish ‘n’ Tips 54 Tide Chart

56 Unreliable Guide

58 This Sporting Life 60 Travel Bug 62 Sexy Time

66 Enviro News 70 Bandage 72 Reviews

73 Arts Bits

76 Food & Wine

80 Trivial Trivia

82 Beardy From Hell 82 Trivia Solutions

Pulling the strings.

GO WEST, LIFE IS FRUITFUL THERE Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Neil Tennant & Chris Lowe


here has to be more to life than loitering around Bondi Junction, aimlessly annoying frantic yummy mummies hot-trotting it to the 9am Bikram yoga class. So I’ve opted to put aside this tedium to jet over to the posher climes in Perth, to the 'burbs inhabited by Twiggy Forrest and the Big G. Once there I intend to hire a flatbed truck, leap on the tray (attired in high-viz and hardhat) with a megaphone, and disturb the peace, screeching: “Stop Cuts to Centrelink Benefits”, “Class Warfare”, and “Axe Rebates to Mining Companies”. I’ll basically be doing stuff that pisses off mega rich people (like graffiti and bill posting on telegraph poles). Then I’ll back the truck into Julie Bishop’s nearby electoral office in the hope of using my “wealth and influence to pursue vested interests”, reminding her that Pearl represents so much more than pensioners – “I represent the hopes and dreams of thousands of Centrelink recipients who depend on miserly government handouts” – whilst accusing her government of turning Australia into a fascist

10 The Beast | July 2017

dictatorship run purely for the benefit of big business. And then I will be thrown into a paddy wagon because that’s what happens in WA to Indigenous people, protesting pensioners, and Uniting Church ministers. It’s exactly seven years since Twiggy Forrest and the Big G were as bored and outraged as Pearl. With too much time on their hands they engaged in a similar protest, albeit ‘billionaire activism’ (i.e. rich person dummy spitting), to prevent Australians sharing in the benefits of their ‘own’ resources, via a mining tax. Accusing the then-Rudd Government of being more communist than China, then running a fear campaign that gave birth to Turnbull’s ‘jobs and growth’, the two over-stuffed mining magnates somehow won the hearts and minds of the naive masses who were truly swayed that the tax was ‘class warfare’. Seven years on we watched with the same naivety as Twiggy ‘donated’ $400 million to causes he deems as fit and deserving in a media, celebrity, and politician filled circus act,

and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house - trickle-down economics at its best. Pearl is rather averse to paying tax, but for a different reason to mining magnates. I morally object to ‘my taxes’ funding the destruction of the Barrier Reef via the construction of the Adani Coal Mine, being lavished on private schools, or getting squandered on corporate welfare. So the $400 million question is whether Australians would bestow on Pearl the same good grace as Twiggy if I indulged in a public display of spoilt brat-ism over my moral financial obligation to Australia and instead distributed my withholdings to those deemed as worthy – public education, transport and hospitals, disability and aged services, parks and recreation – i.e. those the LNP refer to as ‘leaners’. The answer is a resounding no. Instead I would be labelled a weirdo leftie and the ATO would investigate my black-market solar energy trading scheme. In a country that prides itself on egalitarianism, there’s no place for Pearl’s form of oligarchy.




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party and flashing lights in the back garden - I was close to tears, so much is the frustration. Thanks for a great local magazine and for providing an avenue for residents to be heard. Lee Shaberman North Bondi

THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs Illustrations Dalton Wills ILLEGAL BACKPACKER RENTING A JOKE Hi - I feel my situation will resound with many other Eastern Suburbs residents, and I am sure that it has most probably been thrashed out in previous issues of The Beast. The property next door to us is currently under investigation for housing illegal backpackers. A group of residents from the community have been going through the motions seeking support and advice, and intervention. Council has been involved and today I am meeting a councillor from Waverley in an attempt just to be heard and taken seriously. I am not asking that our situation is covered specifically, but I feel we would all benefit knowing just what are the steps to stopping the negative environmental and social impact of properties being turned into short term let properties. The apartment in question is in North Bondi. It was a block of four two-bedroom units. It was approved by Council a year or two ago to be transformed into a block of four four-bedroom units. Fully furnished, it’s accommodating 32 people. That is minimum, not including friends staying on the couch. Residents have uncovered beds being offered for $250 a night on social media pages. Yet the landlord (who owns the whole block) states it is tenanted legally. When 12 The Beast | July 2017

we approached the real estate agency in Bondi, we were told face to face that the landlord of the property is not associated with that estate agency. We did a title deeds search and the property is owned by that estate agency, just operating under a different name. Clearly, they lied to us. This is a fight for Bondi to remain a place where we all can respect each other, and allow each other to enjoy the incredible privilege we have worked hard to enjoy. It's also about letting residents know the pathway to addressing this type of situation. I have had to take the day off work today to focus on this. I have a councillor meeting me today. I was up at 4am due to an early

KIDS THESE DAYS! Please can you do a story on these rude school kids who take up all the seats on public buses? They have no respect for their elders. I think it's disgusting. They have school buses for these kids that are always empty. Tammy Wilson Bondi BARKING MAD â–ź Dear Beast - Thank you for giving us the opportunity to voice our views. I live in a lovely part of Bronte, which is being spoilt by dogs barking day and night, especially at night. Selfish and irresponsible neighbours are leaving their dogs out where they bark for hours on end, which completely spoils our peaceful living. Complaints are made about loud music and parties, but dogs carry on barking. I hope those responsible read this and it makes them think more about their neighbours. I hope so! Chris Bronte

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FAKE NEWS, FAKE PEOPLE ▼ Dear Doyle/Hersey (Letters, The Beast, June 2017) - Is there something wrong with having the courage of one's convictions? I will debate anyone who wants to query my position on Waverley Council's proposal for an underground car park at Bondi Beach. If I challenge Council's survey method and results (which falsely appear to show community support for the proposal), I do so with confidence, having consulted a senior market researcher. But what's the point of debating the confected personality Alan Doyle/Mark Hersey? Hersey/ Doyle is a one trick contrarian who plays the man, not the ball. My advice to him is to stand up and be counted. Being registered to vote would be a good start. Yes, believe it or not, this passionate advocate of public policy doesn't even vote! According to the Australian Electoral Commission, neither Doyle nor Hersey is registered in Wentworth, where they purport to live. In fact, there is no evidence that Mark Hersey even exists. Everything this fraud Doyle/Her-

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sey has written about the benefits of an underground car park at Bondi Beach needs to be seen in this light. If this person is just an anonymous troll, it's pretty hard to take seriously anything it writes. Andrew Worssam Bondi THE CAR PARK DEBATE CONTINUES Hi Guys - In his latest letter (What Is Worssam’s Problem, Letters, The Beast, June 2017), Alan Doyle persists with the fiction that, if an underground car park is built at Bondi Beach, Queen Elizabeth Drive (QED) will not be maintained as a service road (despite well-publicised contrary facts). The council commissioned GTA consultants to report on vehicle access to Bondi Park, Beach and Pavilion. GTA considered six options of which only one, Option 3, included closing (QED) to traffic (Report pp22-30). In discounting that option GTA stated: “closing QED to vehicle access would have significant negative impacts to the access and movement needs of stakeholders

and the community. It is critical that QED be kept open for service and emergency vehicle access”(p37). Option 4 would deny us, the public, car access to QED. It is favoured by the council. The report states: “Option 4 entails removing parking off QED, but keeps the roadway open for emergency and service vehicle access (and potentially for vehicles servicing special events). The traffic flow would follow the existing one-way flow from south to north” (p30). And: “As QED is an essential corridor for the efficient functioning of Bondi Park, Option 4 considers keeping it open for service and vehicular access.” It goes on to state: “However, removing parking on QED would minimise vehicular movements and provide a higher priority to pedestrians (and cyclists)” (p37). Both a cab rank and a 40km/h speed limit on QED are envisaged (p38) and the report earlier noted as to Option 4 that: “Potential service vehicle access conflict with pedestrian pathways/safety needs to be carefully managed”(p32).

Mr Doyle, despite being familiar with the GTA Report, continues attempting to convince your readers that QED, "an essential corridor", will be torn up and replaced with verdant lawn and shade trees. Does he truly believe that the garbage trucks, ambulances, and delivery and other vehicles necessary to efficient functioning of the park and beach are not going to require a concrete based road? Greg Maidment Bronte COUNCIL BUDGET IGNORES COOGEE STORM WATER ▼ Madeleine Gray's article in the June edition of The Beast on Randwick Council's healthy piggy bank (No Budget Blowouts as Randwick Remains Debt Free, The Beast, June 2017) was interesting in that, among the millions planned for parks, kerbs, drainage, and recreation, there was no mention of the single most urgent problem that needs fixing. The polluted storm water flowing into the Coogee surf seems to have stayed in the ‘too hard basket’ yet again. I realise that Council wants/needs state government contribution, but I had hoped that the Budget & Operational Plan would

16 The Beast | July 2017

have headlined it as a top priority. Also, looking at the responses to The Beast's question about where councils should spend money, I was disappointed to see evidence of what my Politics 101 lecturer (in the 1970s) called "political naiveté". We were told that if an electorate is unaware (or hazy) about the functions and responsibilities of governments, and levels of government, it constitutes a direct weakening of the democratic process. Many governments like high levels of political naivety because it makes them less accountable. I wonder if some ratepayers believe that the Coogee storm water isn't, at least partly, a council responsibility? Peter Russell Coogee ROYAL RANDWICK NOT COUNCIL OWNED AND OPERATED I was reading page 23 of The Beast June 2017 edition, when I came across the ‘Where Do You Think Councils Should Be Spending Ratepayers' Money?’ vox pop. I was laughing at the response of Ashley from Randwick, who said Council should fund the repairs of the lifts at Royal Randwick Shopping Centre. Ashley is obviously unaware that Randwick Council does not

own and operate Royal Randwick Shopping Centre and its lifts, the company AMP does. So AMP is the one to fix the lifts. It's like Waverley Council giving money to Westfield Bondi Junction to fix its lifts. I guess now we are all educated about this. Anna Cook Maroubra ABANDONED CARS A NUISANCE I wonder how much the 'no parking' issue in the Eastern Suburbs would be alleviated if all of the abandoned cars left on the streets throughout the area were removed? Surely the authorities could do more to prevent cars being abandoned in the first place. Jason North Bondi MUSIC REVIEWER REVIEWED POSITIVELY I would just like to acknowledge the greatness of your music reviewer Alasdair McClintock. Witty, insightful, knowledgeable: he is the bastard son of Lester Bangs and Legs McNeil. Always turn to his page after reading Pearl. Keep up the great work all youse guys. Muzza Maroubra



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ROCK FISHING VESTS DON’T ROCK Gentlemen - Experienced rock fishers and surfers know that water will not hurt them, but rocks will. Should a competent fisher unintentionally go into the water from the rocks the natural response is to swim away from the white water and rocks, and then to swim to a safe and preselected exit. Surprisingly the life vests required by the NSW government for rock fishers all appear to be designed to cause the wearer to float face up, making it extremely difficult to swim or to dive under waves that might drive one on to rocks, which are not only unfriendly in themselves, but are often covered in barnacles. That design of vest is fine for open water where the only real option is to bob around hoping for rescue. However, in situations where one is within swimming distance of safe exits such vests are not merely hindrances, but may also render a swimmer incapable of escaping waves that are driving towards the rocks. Injury or death could result. Granted there are people who fish the rocks who should not be anywhere near them; some would not be comfortable between the flags on a patrolled beach. That is not a valid reason for putting the capable and experienced at an enhanced risk. 18 The Beast | July 2017

If I am to be required to wear a mandated vest it should be of a design that allows me to both swim freely and dive beneath endangering waves. Greg Maidment Bronte DE-CLUTTER YOUR LIFE â–˛ I was thrilled to see an excellent article on page 66 of the June issue of The Beast, giving a clear and concise guide to decluttering (Planet Friendly Tips for Dumping Your Junk, The Beast, June 2017). I was still basking in the warm glow this gave me when, while walking home from the bus stop the other day, I saw the Randwick Council clean-up truck collecting waste from the nature strip in our area. To my horror and distress, everything went into the masher: golf sticks, recyclable plastic tubs, large sheets of polystyrene foam, a box of metal coat hangers, hinged wooden boxes. I could list more, but I think you get the idea. Things that could have been put to better use were all crushed together and probably went to landfill. I am still upset by this and will take it further with the council, but feel some of the responsibility lies with the residents who are too busy/lazy to find a better place to take their unwanted belongings. When are people going to wake up

to the fact that we are extremely wasteful and need to do better? Thanks again for publishing such a useful piece of information, but can you make sure that Randwick Council gets a copy too? Many thanks, Martha Birch Clovelly

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 Editors Advertising Enquiries Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month. 55,500 are placed in mailboxes and 5,500 in local shopfronts. PEFC Certified The Beast is printed on paper sourced from sustainably managed forests. Letters To The Editor Please email your feedback to

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Lovely Lisa.

LOCAL CHICK... LISA ROLLINGS FROM COOGEE Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks


Shire girl at heart, Ellouise Tyrrell Strata Management director Lisa Rollings has called Coogee home for the past 15 years. She shares her local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? I moved to Coogee after living overseas and have been here for 15 years. I grew up in the Shire. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The location to everything you need is within easy reach. Having big open spaces like Centennial Park and the coastal walk makes inner city living that much more enjoyable. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? People dumping their household items on the street. Council has a free collection service available! What's your favourite beach? Living a stone's throw away from Coogee Beach, I love the bay feel-

20 The Beast | July 2017

ing. The ladies’ pool is exceptional. It’s a great place to chill out. What's your favourite eatery? There are so many great places that have sprung up over the years. Sugarcane, Jack Horner, X74, and Coogee Pavilion are all great restaurants and we are lucky to have them within walking distance.

What do you get up to on the weekends? Weekends are way too short, but I love spending time with family and friends, and the great activities that Sydney has on offer. What do you do for work? I am a director at Ellouise Tyrrell Strata Management and you can email me on

Where do you like to have a drink? I love Coogee Pavilion, where you can enjoy a coffee in the morning or a cider in the evening with a great view.

What's your favourite thing about work? The work/lifestyle balance and assisting people with their strata building needs.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I am not a big sports fan. That said, I will watch the AFL grand final if the Sydney Swans make it.

Do you have a favourite quote? “It is not the world that needs peace; it is people. When people in the world are at peace within, the world will be at peace." - Prem Rawat.

What music are you into at the moment? I love a variety of tunes, from DJ Alex Taylor and RUFUS to the top pop charts. Who is your favourite person? My business partner Ellouise. She is the sister I never had.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Putting on a happy face doesn’t just make you more likeable; it makes you healthier, and is both good for your career and wellbeing.

Selling real estate is the ultimate privilege

Simon Exleton is a Licensed Real Estate Agent and Auctioneer; Simon sells 3-4 properties per month and has created sales records in Bondi, Tamarama, Bronte and Maroubra. Simon has been the major sponsor of the Tamarama Surf Club since 2008. Call Simon direct today to meet with him.

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Sexy Stephen.

LOCAL BLOKE... STEPHEN WILLIAMS FROM NORTH BONDI Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks


orth Bondi resident and outstanding aerialist Stephen Williams is set to perform in the Sydney incarnation of VELVET, a sexy stage show that will take over Roslyn Packer Theatre in Walsh Bay at the end of the month. Stephen shares his local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? After spending 10 years based in London, I've now been living in Sydney for one and a half years, but I grew up in Melbourne. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The beaches. Nothing compares. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Old South Head Road between 3pm and 6pm. It’s a traffic nightmare. What’s your favourite beach? There are too many amazing beaches in the world to pick just one.

22 The Beast | July 2017

What’s your favourite eatery? That depends on the day. Today was my day off, so I went to Porch in Bondi for a dish called the “Smash ‘n’ Hash”. It's all in the relish! Or late at night, the fried fish taco and margaritas on tap at Beach Burrito Company. That's all I'm sayin’. Where do you like to have a drink? From a tap, I guess. Do you have a favourite sporting team? I played baseball as a kid and my favourite player was Kirby Puckett. He was a bad ass! He played for the Philadelphia Phillies, and I like cheesecake too, so, yeah. What music are you into at the moment? Well today it's been A Tribe Called Quest’s ‘The Love Movement’, but tomorrow I'm not sure; Earth, Wind & Fire maybe! Who is your favourite person? The one who feeds me, usually. And maybe Iron Man.

What do you get up to on the weekends? Weekends are all about eating, down time, eating, relaxing, recouping, and then more eating. What do you do for work? I get to perform alongside a great cast of wonderful people, currently in a show called VELVET starring Marcia Hines. It’s playing all across the country and at the Roslyn Packer Theatre in Sydney from July 26. What's your favourite thing about work? I get to travel, meet new people, and live the performer’s life. Do you have a favourite quote? "Hold fast" is a good one. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Come and see VELVET at Roslyn Packer Theatre in Sydney (from July 26) before we whizz off to another city. You can book now by visiting Just do it!

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MARILYN Age 8 weeks Sex Female Breed Cattle x Weight 15kg

Glad I'm not a ratepayer.

THUMBS UP LOCALS How good is winter in the Eastern Suburbs?! Sure, it can be cold and miserable at times, but when the visitors vacate, it’s such a lovely place to be. THE HALFWAY MARK Yep, we’re halfway through another year. If the second half goes as fast as the first, it’ll be Christmas in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. CLARK REMOVALS If you’re moving house, Zac, Kate, and the crew from Clark Removals in Coogee are the best. They make it as painless as possible. THE NORTHERN ILLAWARRA If you’re looking for an easy weekend escape, look no further than the likes of Coledale, Austinmer, Thirroul and surrounds. NICE NEIGHBOURS We’d pay an extra hundred bucks a week in rent for the guarantee of good neighbours. No one wants to have a dickhead next door.

THUMBS DOWN GIMMICKS Ice rinks, camels, and now a 32-metrehigh ferris wheel. Has Bondi become as desperate for attention as its Instagram-loving residents? MOVING HOUSE Even with awesome removalists, moving house is a torturous experience. On the bright side, throwing shit out is quite cathartic. NBN CO. Made an appointment, told to be home for a four-hour period on a particular day, NBN technician fails to show. What a f**king joke! WATERLOGGED VIVID We’re big fans of Vivid, but the drenching Sydney received for its last couple of weeks didn’t make it very enjoyable. TERROR ANXIETY Speaking of Vivid, did anyone else feel nervous in a relatively confined space with thousands of other people around? We did. 24 The Beast | July 2017

Marilyn was an abandoned pup, along with her sibling Munroe. They look like cattle dogs, though their heritage is uncertain. Marilyn is a social, happy dog with lots of energy. She enjoys playing with similar aged pups. She would suit an active family with older children committed to the demands of a working breed dog. Marilyn comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email or visit the website at

ARCHIE Age 13 years Sex Male Breed Cocker Spaniel Weight 20.5kg Archie is a gentle, well-socialised boy. He was left at the pound in a pretty matted and neglected state. He has since had a bath, clip, dental check, and a few lumps removed. Archie walks well on lead and has reasonably good eyesight for an old fella, but he does appear to be as deaf as a doorknob. He is a sweet, easy-going grandpa. Archie comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email or visit the website at

DANTE Age 6 years Sex Male Breed Border Collie x Weight 18.8kg Dante is a gentle boy who could do with a bit of confidence building, but he’s on the right track. He needs encouragement to start walking on lead, but once he gets going he loves a good jog. He’s a sweet and affectionate boy, and he ignores other dogs and cars when he’s pounding the pavement in his fitness wear. He has a short coat and comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email or visit the website at

A man with a plan.

IT'S TIME TO GET FAIR DINKUM ABOUT HOUSING AFFORDABILITY Op Ed Matt Thislethwaite – Member for Kingsford Smith Picture Jerome Loan


alcolm Turnbull is not fair dinkum about housing affordability because he won’t touch negative gearing and capital gains tax discounts. Housing affordability in our community has become more topical than the weather, the surf, and coffee - combined. Many young people fear they will never be able to afford to buy a home in the Eastern Suburbs. That is a great shame. In Kingsford Smith people are literally waking up day-in, day-out to rising house prices. In the three years from 2014 to 2017 the price of homes in the suburb of Malabar grew a whopping 46.37% to $2,004,000, adding $635,000 to their value. That equates to an increase of $580 every single day. Up the road in Coogee average prices grew $592 every day to $2,382,000. Unfortunately, on housing affordability Malcolm Turnbull has failed to implement any policies that will make a real difference to the lives of people in his electorate. Talking about increasing supply 26 The Beast | July 2017

and allowing young people to pump an additional $30k into their super won’t make a difference to house prices in our community. We have to reform the most generous property investor tax concessions in the world. We have to level the playing field for first home buyers by restricting negative gearing to new housing stock only and reducing the capital gains tax discount. Federal Labor has announced a range of measures to tackle housing affordability. I am proud of these measures because I feel, combined, they are our best chance of providing some hope to young people hoping to own a home in the future. Labor’s housing affordability plan includes: 1. Restricting negative gearing to new housing stock. 2. Reducing the capital gains tax discount on the sale of investment properties by half. 3. Supporting a uniform vacant property tax across all major cities. 4. Limiting direct borrowing by self-managed superannuation funds that invest in property.

5. Increasing foreign investor fees and penalties. 6. Establishing a bond aggregator to increase investment in affordable housing. 7. Boosting homelessness support for vulnerable Australians. 8. Getting better results from the National Affordable Housing Agreement. 9. Re-establishing the National Housing Support Council and the Minister for Housing. Today an investor looking to purchase their sixth or seventh property receives more support from the government than a young couple looking to buy their first home. That’s just not on. Of the combined benefits of CGT and negative gearing, half goes to the top tenth of the population. In the case of negative gearing, the typical teacher or nurse gets less than $300 a year, while the typical surgeon or anaesthetist gets over $3000 a year. For many people of all ages, home ownership in our area has transformed from a dream to a nightmare. It’s time for that to change.




The government should take steps to promote housing affordability, also specifically with government housing, where my father lives. It would make it easier for pensioners like him who cannot afford rent, especially around here.

Absolutely housing should be way more affordable in Sydney. The government needs to bring down rental prices and property ownership, which is way too expensive.



I would like the government to make housing more affordable for people in Maroubra. Maroubra used to be a popular, affordable place and I don’t want it to turn into another Coogee or Bronte.

Housing in Sydney is unaffordable and the government should do something to manage it. If the living expenses in an area are so high then I think the government needs to increase your income to match this.


Yes, and not only for younger people, but for people in second marriages who may have sold their house and then struggle to get back into the market. They should consider eradicating stamp duty and negative gearing.


The government is responsible for making housing affordable for families as we all live equally and pay taxes. Obviously it depends on if you do work, as otherwise it might be a different story. July 2017 | The Beast 27

Pat had time for everyone.



at Saunders was an underground surfing legend. The Eastern Suburbs and wider surf community now grieves the loss of a man who had an impact on our community like very few do. For the younger generation, his legacy will be a motivator to keep pushing boundaries and to take the drop of life head on, no sidestepping. For the older crew his memory is a never-ending reminder that the time to give up is not now, and never will be. Pat didn’t gain his reputation through social media warfare like the rest of us. He built his reputation over an entire lifetime of putting other people first and pushing every single person he met to get that little bit more out of life, and not many could fit as much into one lifetime as he did. When Pat wasn’t surfing his beloved Clovelly Bommie (South Coast secret spot) he was either over at G-Land in the jungles of Indonesia flying through a freight

28 The Beast | July 2017

train barrel, dropping into a 15-foot Wedding Cake Island bomb, training with Kenny Stone and the Giles Gym crew, throwing bags out at the airport for Qantas to keep the dream alive, or chewing some poor bloke’s ear off about all of the above. Pat had time for everyone, and this is why he touched so many people’s hearts. Pat was the kind of person who would give you the shirt off his back, the shoes off his feet, and the wax off his board. The only problem with that was he very rarely wore a shirt, and if he did it was so tight that without a chest of steel like his you wouldn’t be able to breathe. Everyone who knew Pat has their own unique story about him, but they all have the same theme – a story of a man who inspired, and exuded an intoxicating energy that left you walking off at 100 miles an hour, just like him. For Pat, G-Land ( Java, Indonesia) was a spiritual home that became his sanctuary over the years.

Since his passing, countless people who only knew him for a few short days while passing through years ago have voiced how their short memory of him will live on forever. Imagine how strong that feeling is for his closest friends and family. It was a tragic circumstance that took away such a young spirit (in mind and body), and grieving him will take time. It is through this grief, however, that we are given Pat’s greatest blessing: the gift of his memory. The gift of every laugh, every chat, every surf, every coffee, every beer, every single encounter with this energetic soul. Pat’s memory is proof that this life is not one to be wasted. In a world where each and every year we become more tied down by responsibility and more absorbed in our screens and devices, his spirit will live on in all of us to make sure that we are always looking out the back hoping for the next wave, and never wanting to return to the safety of shore. RIP Patty.

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Cafe owners and swimmers alike are getting royally shafted.



hey say a change is as good as a holiday, but there are some things that it’s fair to expect will always remain the same. You can presume that freshly baked bread will always smell delicious. If you cook, someone else has to wash up. And if you go for an early morning swim at Bronte Beach on a Sunday morning, there should always be a footpath table at one of the cafes waiting for you to sit down, read the paper, and watch the sun make its way up into the sky. Unfortunately in the most recent changes to its Development Control Plans, which became effective on September 14 last year, Waverley Council has opted to change the time from which the cafes at Bronte Beach are able to serve customers at their footpath seating on Sunday mornings from 7am to 8am. While this may not seem like a huge difference, it benefits no one, but has proven to be a detrimental change to many of Bronte’s café owners, and to their early morning patrons.

30 The Beast | July 2017

“Sunday is a main trading day for our industry,” said Hannah Moore, who owns and operates the Bogey Hole Café at Bronte Beach. “It is especially important that people within the area have access to the beach and cafes for a swim and coffee every day before the parking meters start, as we have some of the most expensive parking within the whole of Sydney.” “Our DA is from 7am and has been for 24 years, since 1993. This change will mean more takeaway orders, meaning more takeaway cups, more landfill, more unhappy customers, not to mention people standing on the footpath waiting and causing footpath obstruction.” Kim Muddle, owner of Café Salina, shared Ms. Moore’s view. “It’s obvious the change doesn’t suit café owners as we will be losing part of our Sunday trade,” she said. “The early customers are locals so they are the ones we would be turning away.” It’s not just the beachside cafes that will be affected by this shift

either, although they arguably have the most to lose, considering the Sunday morning swim crowds. The time shift is to be instigated at all cafes with footpath seating within the Waverley Municipality zoned ‘Neighbourhood Centre’, any ‘Medium Density Residential Zone’, and any ‘Low Density Residential Zone’ - so basically, everywhere. The obvious question is: why? Council’s response has so far been that the amendments were made so as to bring Waverley Council’s provisions in line with those of the City of Sydney. Ms. Moore has created an online petition to get Waverley Council to revert back to the old times – something that Council recommended she do if she wanted to effect a change. Ms. Moore also noted that one councillor, a local and a beachgoer, has also put in a motion to change the hours. By the time you read this article, we will hopefully know if the petition and/or motion has been successful.



BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Brad Bessant Instagram @10ftkaos DUCK, DUCK, SWAN? A second year trial of Centennial Parklands’ floating nesting pontoon has produced another successful outcome for a pair of Black Swans in Moore Park’s historic Kippax Lake, with five fluffy cygnets born recently. Before it was introduced, the resident swans had an inconsistent breeding history in that area. They would try and nest on the side of the concrete platform, and while there were some successful breeding seasons, it was not uncommon for dog attacks or flooding to disrupt the nest. We’re sure you’ll see them swanning about soon enough. RAY WHITE HAS A SWANKY NEW OFFICE Have you noticed that a stylish new Ray White office has opened on the corner of Avoca Street and Alison Road in Randwick? According to Belinda Clemesha, one of the partners in the new office, “the move came about as a result of

Pat knew how to f ind a barrel.

the success and growth of the business; our former office at Coogee became a little small.” The elegant new office reflects Ray White’s new branding and the entire team from Ray White Coogee has relocated here. If you’d like someone to sell your property, contact Belinda Clemesha on 0418 415 206. MOVE HOUSE WITH CLARK Moving house is stressful – it’s a truth universally acknowledged. Clark Removals is an Australian owned family business that has been operating for 20 years in the Eastern Suburbs. Clark Removals tailors moving services to meet your specific needs and offers storage, packing materials and boxes, and packing and unpacking services. Founder Zak Clark and his wife Kate have built a business that has earned a reputation for providing high quality service and genuine care when handling your precious items. One half of The Beast (Dan) used them recently

and can testify that they do a magnificent job. Give Clark a go next time you’re on the move – go to NEVER LOSE YOUR KEYS AGAIN Do you constantly lose your keys and then blame whomever you’re with when you realise? The Orbit Keyfinder uses Bluetooth tracking technology along with a free app to locate everyday items that are typically with you, but could easily be misplaced. Locate your lost items using their app to make your Orbit ring. You can also use your Orbit to make your phone ring, even when it’s on silent. If your Orbit is out of Bluetooth range (beyond 30 metres away), its last known location will be shown on the map in the app. Developed by Bondi-based wearable tech brand HButler, Orbit products are available in-store and online via They really are bloody handy.

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July 2017 | The Beast 33




n most professions, losing your leg isn’t really something you need to worry about. Sitting at your desk snacking on almonds every two hours is probably not going to result in a limb getting amputated. But for professional big wave surfers, every day on the job is accompanied by an acute possibility of serious, career-threatening injury. This is something that Maroubra surfer Mark Mathews knows only too well. In October last year, Mathews was surfing at a secret reef break on the south coast of NSW. When his knee dislocated after getting slammed feet-first into the reef by an eight-foot wave, he knew he was in trouble, but even he couldn’t have anticipated the gravity of the situation. “I landed on my feet and my knee dislocated, but when it dislocated it tore through the major artery in my leg and then also the major nerve tore as well,” Mr. Mathews said. 34 The Beast | July 2017

“My leg was ballooning up, but at the time I thought my shin had just snapped. “The emergency services came and I was pumped full of a lot of anaesthetics and painkillers, so I never really felt the worry that I could potentially lose my leg. “While I was under, the surgeons repaired the artery – I had an artery bypass done straight away. They got it done within an hour of me losing my leg, so it's pretty lucky. “We were waiting a day or so to see if the pulse would come back to my leg, and then it did, thank God.” At this point, many of us would decide that while surfing is great fun, a career change might be in order – but not Mathews. The doctors have now completely reconstructed his knee, but “they couldn't fix the nerve because it was too damaged, so that leaves me with foot drop where I can't lift my foot up.” In a few months, Matthews

will get a tendon transfer, whereby doctors put a tendon from the side of his ankle on to the top of his foot, which should alleviate the ‘foot drop’ problem to some extent. “It won't be a hundred per cent or anything, but it will give me enough movement to be able to surf again, hopefully,” he said. In the meantime, Mathews has still been getting in the water, albeit on a bodyboard, and he did recently paddle out into the forgiving waves of Waikiki on a mal, jumped up on his good foot, and found that as long as he kept the weight there, surfing was still a possibility. Evidently, retirement is not on Mr. Mathews’ agenda. He is the contest director and brains behind the Red Bull Cape Fear surfing competition. Last year’s Red Bull Cape Fear has been described by many surfing pundits as the most entertaining surfing event ever contested, bringing out some of Australia’s best big wave surfers to tackle some of the gnarliest waves ever surfed in competition. The waiting period for the 2017 event is officially open until August 31, but it will only run if the conditions are perfect (read: bloody big and scary). For now, when Mathews isn’t in or near the water, he’s focussing on his public speaking career, working with companies worldwide and leading programs on team-building, perseverance, and mental strength – the last of which is something he has really had to master over the past eight months.


Congratulations Gordon.



his month’s Beast cover star, Martine Emdur, is an artist who paints bodies submerged in the sea from the vantage point of someone who is also beneath the slick surface of the ocean. In our talk with her, one thing that rang particularly true was how she described her fascination with the world that exists under the waves: “There’s something super soothing and mysterious and incredibly beautiful and kind of scary. The other thing I love about it is relief from the whole gravity feeling. Your feet are up, you’re floating, feeling embraced.” Emdur is right. The feeling of being in the ocean is a singular experience, and one that we, as people who live close to some of the most stunning beaches on Earth, are familiar with. Randwick Council’s Beach Breaks Carnival is an annual event that celebrates our proximity to this beautiful coastline, and the incredible athletes who manage to glide between submersion and emersion on the waves with agility and grace: surfers.

36 The Beast | July 2017

This year the festival will take place on Sunday, July 23, from 12 noon to 4:30pm. “The Beach Breaks Carnival is a vibrant community event held along the picturesque Maroubra Beach promenade,” a Council spokesperson said. “The event celebrates the surfing history and culture of Maroubra Beach.” The Beach Breaks Carnival includes surfing contests, market stalls, food and drinks, amusement rides, live entertainment, and the induction of a surfing legend into the Australian Surfing Walk of Fame. Nominations for this year’s inductions have already closed, and we are excited to see who will be unveiled on the day and welcomed into the very prestigious group that makes up the Walk of Fame. Nominees must have either won a world-class surfing or surf life saving championships and/or made a significant contribution to the sport, or be a local Maroubra person who either began their surfing/ surf life saving career at Maroubra or who currently resides, trains, or is strongly affiliated with a local

surfing association or surf club. Last year’s inductees were Olympians Leigh McCleery and Jon Donohoe AM, and founding member of the Maroubra Surfers Association, Gordon Merchant AM. It won’t just be surfers from days gone by who are celebrated at the carnival either. From 9am to 12pm, carnival-goers will be treated to the spectacle of 100 junior surfers vying for a place on the NSW team to compete in the Australian Junior Titles, so if you can manage to get out of bed earlier than midday on the weekend in question, we strongly encourage you to get down and cheer these talented groms on. They’ll be shredding the waves like pros in the cold, and they’ll need all the encouragement they can get from the rugged up folk on the shore! Finally, the carnival itself will cater to the masses (literally), with delicious food stalls offering up tasty and healthy fare from local Eastern Suburbs food purveyors. There will also be rides and entertainment for the kids, and live music for the adults.

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The bins extended their lead in the later rounds when other dumbfounded competitors began to struggle with complex questions such as: Trashing parks and beaches on Anzac Day and Australia Day is an act of… a. Patriotism. b. Remembrance. c. Heroism. d. None of the above. I should carry my rubbish until… a. I find a bin. b. I get tired. c. I collapse in my own vomit. d. No one can see me drop it.





nnovative ‘Smart Bins’ crushed their hapless human opponents in the grand final of the regional Pub Quiz tournament held on a sparkling day at Bondi Beach recently. The solar powered waste machines recorded the most comprehensive victory in the history of the decider, which had to be moved outdoors to accommodate the bins’ fan club. The cult heroes ruthlessly demolished everything that was thrown their way during the early rounds of the competition and drew hordes of fans from all over the world to Australia’s most famous strip of sand with their rapid responses. Adoring female groupies attributed their devotion to the built-in 38 The Beast | July 2017

air freshener, which deodorises the bins - “Hygiene is hot!” they chanted. The bins scored 100 per cent in the final, more than the combined total score of every other team. Their advanced technology made light work of questions such as: Rubbish is dropped by… a. Locals. b. Tourists. c. Aliens. d. People. The ultimate responsibility for disposing of my rubbish correctly lies with… a. The government. b. Me. c. God (or nominated deity). d. Seagulls.

The terrible desperation of many teams in the tournament forced them to use Wi-Fi to search for answers. In contrast, the smart bins used Wi-Fi to inform Council that they had secured yet another victory and were ready for collection. Further infuriating opponents was the Smart Bins’ habit of graciously bequeathing their free jugs of beer to all vanquished opponents on their march to the finals. The Smart Bins remained disarmingly composed during the tense final moments of the decider, while their mortal opponents grappled with the quiz's closing multiple choice question: These bins were designed to accommodate five times as much waste as a normal bin, so that… a. I can create five times as much waste. b. I can find a bin on a summer’s day that is not overflowing. c. I can treat myself to another coffee in a disposable coffee cup. d. I can absolve myself of all responsibility for keeping the Eastern Beaches clean. The bins’ crowning moment arrived when contestants were asked, “How will I know how to use the solar bins?” to which the bins replied, “It’s really not that hard.”


MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Tia Bool Instagram @tiabool SURF FIN TO HELP SAVE MURDEROUS SHARKS Local brand Fin for a Fin has recently launched a new surfboard fin line to support the coexistence of surfers and sharks. In the event of a tragic attack, Fin for a Fin carries a special design mark that alerts authorities of a surfer’s wish not to have the shark killed in retaliation. Shark attack survivor Mike Coots is backing the concept and is lending his voice to the campaign. It sounds super ethical and practical in theory, but if the sharks cotton on it could come across as one big fat invitation for the hungry fish to feast on human flesh without consequence. I wouldn’t put it past the old man in the grey suit either! A FEAST FIT FOR ALL Sydney’s favourite indie pop-up winter festival, Bondi Feast, is back bigger and better than ever with 40 shows and 158 artists doing their thing over a two-week period at the iconic Bondi Pavilion. Hosted by Waverley Council, the Pavilion will come alive with the best of comedy, theatre, music, visual arts, and food from July18-29 to help Sydneysiders shake off those winter blues.

Wonderful Wylie's.

FERRIS WHEEL COMING TO BONDI BEACH London literally has nothing on Bondi now – same amount of Irish tourists, same amount of souvenir shops, and now, the same number of massive ferris wheels. For the first time in history, the Bondi Eye, a 32-metre-high ferris wheel, will give visitors a bird’s eye view of the iconic beach during the annual Bondi Winter Magic program. Get down to the beach and give it a ride during the month of July. MORE DOLLAR BILLS FOR SURF LIFE SAVING NSW Member for Coogee Bruce Notley-Smith and Member for Vaucluse Gabrielle Upton have welcomed news that Surf Life Saving NSW (SLSNSW) will receive more than $9 million from the NSW Government to boost its rescue capabilities. All SLSNSW clubs will receive tablets to better record incidents, preventative actions, and rescues through the Patrol App. In addition, the funding will contribute to the provision of RWCs (jet skis), radios, rescue boards, first aid kits, and defibrillators. Surf ’s up for SLSNSW!

LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD A new all-weather synthetic turf sports field has now been installed at South Coogee’s Latham Park. The synthetic turf will, according to Mayor D’Souza, “level the playing field”, proving that being mayor does not lessen your capacity to make dad jokes. Mayor D’Souza went on to say, “The durability of synthetic turf allows us to decrease the amount of maintenance required to keep it in top condition all year round and increase the number of hours that the sports field can be used.” COUNCIL FIGHT CLUB It’s official. Randwick City Council will commence legal proceedings against the NSW Government in an attempt to prevent a merger with Woollahra and Waverley Councils. The decision was reached at an Extraordinary Meeting in May, but was put on hold following a rescission motion lodged the same night, which has since been withdrawn. Woollahra Council was granted leave on May 12 to appeal to the High Court. Randwick Council’s legal advice found the council also has grounds for appeal.



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July 2017 MONDAY




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KIDS HOLIDAY CARE The Des Renford Leisure Centre at Maroubra will be hosting daily holiday-care for kids between 5 and 12 years old from 7:30am to 6pm, Monday to Friday from July 3–14. For more information about the Des Renford Leisure Centre, visit

MEET THE AUTHOR: LILY SKURNIK Lilly Skurnik OAM is the daughter of Polish Jewish immigrants who grew up in Newtown. At 14, doctors diagnosed and operated on a brain tumour that turned her blind. She’s lived quite a life – at 10:30am she will talk about her memoirs at Waverley Library.

ZAC’S TABLE Tonight is the fourth in a series of ‘Zac’s Table’ nights at North Bondi Fish, where head chef Zac Sykes produces communal, share-style dinners focussing on sustainable seafood and seasonal produce. Tickets are $75. Please visit

DONATE TO STEVEN’S FINAL TRIP Start the month on a generous note and donate what you can to the grieving family of local bloke, Stevo, who recently passed away tragically in Mexico City, so that Steven’s body can be brought home. Donate at www.gofundme. com/stevens-final-trip-home.

IN STEREO @ OAF Hot young Aussie band In Stereo are back with a brand new EP and show, and they will be playing tonight at the Oxford Art Factory. It’s an all-ages gig, which is great because they definitely appeal to teenagers currently on school holidays!

BONDI SINGS COMMUNITY CHOIR Bondi Sings community choir is seeking new members now. Be part of a friendly group of enthusiastic and dedicated singers who meet on Tuesdays from 7.30-9pm at Bondi Pavilion. For more info about being part of the choir, email

STATE OF ORIGIN III Turn on your TV or book a flight to Brissy; tonight is the third and possibly decisive State of Origin match this season. It’s on at Brisbane’s Suncorp Stadium. The crowd makes all the difference, so make sure you support NSW any way you can!

TITANIC THE EXHIBITION Titanic The Exhibition takes you on a journey of discovery. The tale of the Titanic has captivated people since 1912. Find out all about the ship's ill-fated final voyage at the Byron Kennedy Hall at the Entertainment Quarter, Moore Park. Please visit

BONDI FEAST Bondi Feast is back from tonight until July 29. Bondi’s very own fringe-style winter festival celebrates all the best in theatre, music, comedy, visual arts, and food. It will showcase over 60 performances, and that’s just the scheduled ones!

FOOD ADDICTS ANONYMOUS Today, Food Addicts Anonymous is hosting its twice-weekly food addicts in recovery session, a free 12-step recovery program held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at the Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. You're not alone.

ART EXHIBIT AT KID’S HOSPITAL Get along to the Sydney Children’s hospital this month to see the art exhibition ‘Face Off ’, which will be on show until August 1. It features a range of truly inspirational multi-media works created by sick teens who are living at the hospital.

CHRISTMAS IN JULY Get your weird European mates over and take part in our slightly cringeworthy tradition of hosting Christmas in July, even though Christmas is in December and time zones don’t actually change that. If you’re really lucky it might snow, or just get a bag instead.

VELVET THE SHOW The award winning hit show VELVET will be taking over Roslyn Packer Theatre in Walsh Bay starting tonight and running for a limited season. Tickets start at $45. For bookings, please visit or

BOOKS AND MOVIES DISCUSSION Are you old, but still love sharing your enjoyment of stories? Engage in lively conversation about your choice of books and movies at this free discussion group for seniors held in the Library Theory Room at Waverley Library from 10–11:30 am today.

GO WHALE WATCHING Got nothing to do this week? Why not tick whale watching off your bucket list? You’ve been threatening to do it for years so just get the hell out there. You won’t regret it. If you like beers with your big ocean-going mammals, we recommend

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BONDI ICE RINK Don’t try to hide it – you love ice-skating as much as the next person, even if you are constantly falling on your bum. Running every day this month, the Bondi Ice Rink is an awesome spot to skate, chillax, and overlook the gorgeous beach.

PLASTIC FREE JULY FILM SCREENING This month is Plastic Free July, and to celebrate this, Waverley Council is putting on a bunch of educational events. It all starts this arvo with a film screening about zero-waste living called ‘The Clean Bin Project’ at the Bondi Pavilion from 3–5pm.

ROOSTERS VERSUS RABBITOHS The Roosters take on their filthy old foes South Sydney tonight at 7.50pm at Allianz Stadium in a Friday evening blockbuster. The Roosters are having a great season thus far and they’ll be looking to heap more misery onto the lowly bunnies.

SWANS VERSUS SUNS This afternoon at 4:35pm at the SCG, see the Sydney Swans take on the Gold Coast Suns. It’s a matter of pride, really – we cannot be defeated by a bunch of blokes hailing from a place where it’s okay to ruin the coastline with skyscrapers.

BONDI BEACH CLEAN-UP Join Responsible Runners and Bondi's local environmental groups as they tackle the plastic waste issue hands-on. Everyone will meet at the Bondi Pavilion steps at 12:30pm for a full briefing, then split into groups and begin the clean up!

BASTILLE DAY Dieu merci! It’s the only day of the year that you can gorge on cheese, bread, and wine while wearing a beret, and legitimately claim that it’s for ‘culture’. Why not head to Café de France in Coogee or down a Merguez at Clovelly’s Out of the Blue?

BUSHCARE AT DIAMOND BAY Join like-minded locals and help make a positive difference to one of our special green spaces, Diamond Bay, today from 9am to 12noon. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife, and also about the fascinating members of your community!

BARZURA HEARTS COOGEE PHOTO COMP Remember to submit your entry to the #BarzuraHeartsCoogee photo competition before August 8 for your chance to win some incredible prizes. Simply post your Coogee photo on Instagram or Facebook with the hashtag used above.

SWANS VERSUS ST KILDA After a horrendous start the 2017 season, the Swans have managed to string together a few wins and still have a shot at the finals. They smashed the Saints by 50 points back in round 9, and they’ll be keen to do the same at 7.25pm tonight at the SCG.

BEACH BREAKS CARNIVAL Head on down to Maroubra Beach from midday today for the annual Beach Breaks Carnival, celebrating Maroubra’s vibrant surfing history. There will be surfing contests, market stalls, and more. Bring your grommets, your date, or your mum.

STABLE YOUR HORSE Own a horse but live near the city and want to save on tolls, petrol, and time? The Centennial Parklands Equestrian Centre has a number of high quality stabling facilities available. It is open 365 days a year. For more info, visit

PLASTIC FREE MARKET STALL Today at Bondi Farmer’s Market, Waverley Council will be holding a pop-up stall for Plastic Free July: you can create your own reusable tote bag, make a pledge to be plastic free for cool giveaways, and go into the draw to win a plasticfree living kit!

NATIONAL TREE DAY There’s a reason why everyone’s favourite group in Lord of the Rings is the Ents. There is wisdom in the trees! Plant a tree today, soak in the wisdom, and help make the world a better, greener place. You can find out more by visiting

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Celebrating the Human Form

MARTINE EMDUR Interview Madeleine Gray Picture Jem Cresswell

Where are you originally from? I lived in Bexley when I was a baby and then moved to Double Bay for a year or so, and then to Bondi. I've lived in Bondi ever since, apart from a brief stint in Rose Bay. What are your favourite memories of being a kid in Bondi? It was a daily pilgrimage down to the beach. Milkshakes at Bate's Milk Bar: I was an absolute champion on the pinball machines. We used to fish in the rock pool at North Bondi for the puffer fish with one of those cork lines. And of course getting custard tarts from the Flying Pieman. We're talking a long, long time ago there. Where are you living now? I'm living at South Bondi, kind of on the edge of Tamarama. What do you love about living in the Eastern Suburbs? I like this side of Bondi, away from the more touristy part. It's more of a community, more familiar faces. True Bondi is made up of a lot of transient travellers and backpackers, tourists and also locals. I love that I’ve got a great café on the corner of my street, M Deli. It's like my extended lounge room. I often race down there in my pyjamas and ugg boots and they are still kind enough to serve me, which is great. I love all of the familiar faces and to have someone know your name and coffee. And someone who can tell when you need a double shot! Plus, the obvious attraction in the area is the incredible coastline. What are your favourite local haunts, apart from M Deli? I used to go to the Tratt all the time. It's just changed hands. I haven't really tried the new Tratt, but

it was an absolute staple in our week. We'd go regularly, at least once a week, partly because it was owned by a good friend of my brother, so we were going there from the start. My mum had her 50th there. On the one hand it's sad that it’s the end of an era, but on the other hand it’s interesting to see how it will evolve. My other absolute go-to place most days is Power Living Yoga. It helps keep me sane. Oh, and I love a green smoothie up at Health Emporium, and to balance things out, a vodka at the Corner House is always fun. What annoys you about the Eastern Suburbs? There's an unreasonable amount of exceptionally perfect physical specimens – that's just not right! It needs mixing up a little bit, please! And Bondi Beach does get very crowded. But it's the same reason I'm here, because it's just a gorgeous place to be. How has the area changed since you arrived here? It’s so different. I was here when the Bondi Junction train station was built. It used to be a smaller, more intimate community of locals. That being said, it’s just so much more easily accessible now, which is great. That's how it should be. But it is busier and louder, and more hectic. The businesses along Campbell Parade are all huge corporates. It's lost its local village charm from how I remember it. And I witnessed the first traffic lights being installed on Campbell Parade, which was shocking at the time! Did you have a different career before moving into art, or has painting always been what you've done? I did have fantasies while I

was at school that I would be an artist, but that dream didn't take its course until much later. I ventured into more secretarial type roles. I did a lot of waitressing, a lot of making ends meet through odd jobs. I had a few jobs in advertising agencies, imagining that I might end up in the creative side of things. That wasn't to be. It turned out I was not at all cut out for anything that required organisational skills, and being efficient in the office was something I spectacularly failed at, though I gave it a nudge. I realised eventually after being sacked from every job that I shouldn't push on in that direction, which was a blessing in disguise. How did you break into the arts then? At the last 'real' job I had, I stuffed up so hugely that I was marched out of the office. This was a stressful experience for me at the time and I left Sydney for Dunk Island for a fresh start, which is where I started to draw. I got a job in hospitality there. I ended up drawing a board for the place I was working at, advertising what the drink of the day was. It kind of started from there. They ended up using me to do all of their signage, and consequently I had to research painting and drawing all manner of subjects. It just steamrolled on from there. Did you have any formal painting or drawing education? No, not at that point. I ended up drawing every day there. I eventually stopped working at the resort and went to live in a mud brick hut in the middle of the rainforest with another artist by the name of Bruce Arthur. I started making artworks to sell in his shop. When I returned to Sydney, I had July 2017 | The Beast 45

a crack at art school, but I didn’t last long. I wanted to just focus on painting. Art school required a lot of time and energy studying other subjects that took me away from this. The subject matter you’re best known for is bodies submerged underwater; what drew you to that, and why does it appeal to so many people? My very first show was just looking at the ocean from a distance, your general seascape. I slowly kept getting closer and closer, until it was a really detailed study of the surface of the water, and then I ended up underwater. It was just a whole other world under there. I found it really captivating. There's something super soothing and mysterious and incredibly beautiful and kind of scary. I imagine that's why other people might like it too. Usually if you head to the beach you want to chill out and relax. People associate the water with time-out and escaping. The other thing I love about it is the relief from the weight of gravity. Your feet are up. You're floating, feeling embraced. It's refreshing. You have over 25,000 Instagram followers; how is social media changing the way you connect as an artist with the community, and with art buyers as well? I actually really love Instagram. I think it's great. The only thing I find a little bit spooky is that you don’t know who is looking at your stuff and what people's intentions are. But on the other hand, being an artist is quite a solo venture. You're on your own. There's so much going on in your mind while you're painting. It's wonderful to be able to have a voice during that process that people respond to. I've found it really interesting that people are so interested in the process, and not just mine. I follow a lot of other artists. I see the conversations that happen about the process. I think on that level it can be really interesting and entertaining, and educational in a lot of ways. I get a lot of enquiries, which I generally feed straight through 46 The Beast | July 2017

to the gallery; they've got my back with all that stuff. It's wonderful having conversations with people. People say beautiful things. It's really nice to get ongoing feedback because back in the day artists didn't even have websites. So at that stage you were just working away on a series of paintings over the course of six months or so and you had no idea whether what you were doing was going to be remotely well received. That continuous feedback now is really gratifying and inspiring, and can often help you over the creative slumps. There’s an interesting parallel here I think between self-publishing in the publishing industry, and going without gallery representation as an artist; do you think that social media democratises access to art so that the ‘traditional gatekeepers’ of the art world are no longer necessary, or is that codswallop? To me, my gallery (Olsen Gallery) is still 100 per cent necessary, because they actually do a lot of hard work that I just don’t have the time nor the interest to do. They employ so many staff to hang the work, to deal with all the enquiries; they are fantastic salespeople, really knowledgeable about art, art history, the way my work fits in. The other thing is, I think if a gallery is doing a really good job then the commission they take, which is substantial, should pay off. In the event that your work is not gaining value, or not getting a good audience, I would argue whether they would be needed. But if a gallery's doing a good job, then it's definitely mutually beneficial. And I love having the big celebration at the exhibition opening. Your work is in a big mess in your studio; everything’s everywhere and it’s a shit fight. To see your work up in a clean, beautiful space and to celebrate that, it's something inspiring to work towards. Can you talk us through how you create these huge pieces? I used to take photos myself, with my little point and shoot disposables,

and paint them. I survived off the images from those shoots for a long time. I've since started using photographers. My current photographer, Jem Cresswell, is fabulous, as is my friend Karl Page. Now I feel more confident about inviting more people into the mix, and more models, trying new things. We take a million photos. I'll use the photos generally as a broad reference, and quite often make up my own compositions. I like working on the large scale because you can really immerse yourself and imagine yourself under the water. That's what I'm hoping. Your works are often quite sensual, with unclothed bodies intertwined; is representing that kind of physical intimacy something that you’re striving to do? It's kind of funny; obviously I acknowledge they're quite intimate, but to me it's more like shapes and colours. I actually love the space and shadows between the bodies. The sensuality kind of happened accidentally, at first. I was modelling with a friend at the time and my friend Karl Page was photographing. I just wanted to get two bodies together. It was literally about changing the shapes, and changing the composition, because when I was taking the photos before I would only ever use one model. When I saw the first piece we did as a couple, I just thought it was beautiful. There’s also that sense of a couple being alone underwater. It was so still and quiet, and private, and away from the rest of the world. How do you tackle the creative process? Are you a ‘9 to 5’ kind of artist or are you all about spontaneous inspiration? Before I was a mother to my son Asher, I was completely hopeless in the morning. I would arrive at some ridiculous hour, midday or something, and just work until I could work no more. Now I'm kind of forced to work in school hours. But it's great. It's actually made me more efficient in work hours. Plus I can't work at night because my eyesight is failing rapidly.


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Do you do commissions at all? I try to avoid commissions. Ideally I just like to make what I like to make. If something excites me, I want to express it how I see it. I'd rather do that and exhibit it then hope that it appeals to someone. Commissions are fraught with complexities as people have all these particular expectations. It's really hard to want to work towards fitting into someone else’s idea. Speaking of having to adhere to someone else’s standards, what is your take on the Instagram ‘free the nipple’ debate (whereby representations of female nipples are banned, while male nipples are not)? I find it f**king ridiculous. It's insanity. It doesn't make any sense to me at all. The unfortunate thing is, you have no power in Instagram, so you can't even attempt it because they can just wipe your account out without any warning or reasoning, and then it's gone. I follow a number of people who've had their accounts wiped, gone. For people to assume that the male nipple is ‘safe’, as opposed to the female nipple, is just a very small example of many double standards on Instagram. One small part of me acknowledges the fact that there are a lot of people looking at Instagram, and some might have questionable motives, but you can’t moderate what people think. From my point of view, I am celebrating the human form within nature, but I’ve had so many images removed. Then you go through Instagram and you see some of the most horrific, pornographic, denigrating stuff that isn’t taken down. What are your thoughts on the state of arts funding in Australia? Do you think that the government should provide more arts funding for creatives, or is it up to creatives to get their own funding? I actually know a lot of incredibly talented creative people who have got so much to offer the artistic community, and the public in general, but they just can't find the funds to fulfill their visions. It’s a hard slog. 48 The Beast | July 2017

Also, funding is really hard to get for the artists who are looking at non-commercial work. For them to have a voice is a really important thing. So bring it on and give more. The creation of art is for the good of the public. We recently interviewed an allfemale art collective from Sydney called ‘The Ladies Network’, and they were talking about the lack of opportunities for females in the visual art industry; is that something you've found? It's really clear to see that the art world has been dominated by men, but that’s slowly changing with many successful female gallerists, artists, and collectors. Hopefully it continues in this direction, but that’s definitely been an issue that I am unsure how to resolve. You're represented by the Olsen Gallery in Woollahra, and Tim Olsen has just opened his first New York branch; would you like your work to be exhibited in New York? I would love that. It's something I haven't really explored much. I've had two or three shows overseas, but they've been few and far between. I really admire people who will just continually put their feelers out for overseas opportunities. I think Tim’s just waiting to find his feet with the new gallery, and see how his clientele develops and what kind of work people respond to over there. Hopefully there'll be an opportunity for me to make something that I feel inspired by that might also appeal to overseas collectors. On the Real Housewives of Sydney, aspiring artist and housewife Athena X goes to the Olsen Gallery and wants her art to be shown there. Tim Olsen tells her no, because there’s a difference between decoration and art; is there a difference, and is one better than the other? That is a hard one. It depends who's looking at it, really. Some people call my work decorative, and I'm fine with that. It’s called ‘decorative’ by virtue of it being slightly on the photographic, realistic side,

and also by being pleasant. I don't have a problem making work that makes some people feel happy. If that is decorative, that's fine with me. I remember reading an interview with Adam Cullen saying anything that's pretty is boring and everything should be expressing your anger and your fear. It should be shocking. I disagree, wholeheartedly. In today's world, you wake up and it's horror after horror. I'm happy to bring a little bit of joy. What is your advice for aspiring artists? Work hard. Paint every single day. Success is about persistence, consistency. You have to develop a thick skin, and you have to just be out there showing your work. Also enter lots of art prizes, put your work in group shows, hang your work in cafes. Exposure is the key. Sell it cheaply at first. Get it on walls. Get it out there. And make lots of mistakes, really f**k it up. That’s where the lessons are. What are the galleries in Sydney that Beast readers should frequent? My old studio's just been transformed into this spectacular space at Chalk Horse Gallery. That looks great. And White Rabbit is a must. Do you support any charities? Yes, my latest donation was last week to the Starlight Foundation, for their big ball. I've just agreed to give them a major work for next year's charity. I donate a lot of work, but mostly prints, as I’m usually scrambling to get a show together. I just don't have the spare works available, but I do want to become a constant major work donator to Starlight. Finally, in an ideal world what does the future hold for Martine Emdur? Today I feel quite content. Things are changing rapidly with work and life, so I’m happy to go with the flow at the moment. I think free time to experiment and more overseas shows would be on the list for an ideal world. And time to get involved in the movement against plastic; that’s necessary for us all.

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Putrid and unnecessary.

I’D RATHER SUFFER THAN WEAR A PUTRID PUFFER Words Rupert Truscott-Hughes Picture Puff Daddy


t doesn’t get particularly cold here in Sydney, especially in the Eastern Suburbs. It’s a slightly different story at the foot of the mountains, but you’re still unlikely to get a frost. In fact, upon doing a bit of research I found that the historical average low temperature in winter is around 8 degrees Celcius, and historical average winter highs come in at around 16 degrees Celcius. Which brings me to the point of this article: Why the hell do Eastern Suburbs residents feel the need to don those ugly down-filled puffer jackets? When I read the ‘Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down’ section in the June 2017 edition of The Beast and saw puffer jackets placed prominently near the top of the positive pile, I nearly puked up my Prosecco. What were the editors thinking? Was this some kind of cruel joke? You don’t need to have done time at the Fashion Police Academy to know that these garments break all sorts of style laws. They are horrendous on the eye. They also seem to cost a small 50 The Beast | July 2017

fortune, which might go some way to explaining why everyone is wearing them. I’m assuming that people buy them for their trips to Queenstown or Thredbo and then feel the need to flap about in them back home to get some value from their investment. The puffer jacket was always intended to be nothing more than an insulating layer worn beneath another jacket. Unfortunately, like tights (which are now known as ‘active wear’), the puffer has pushed its way to the fore and, quite frankly, I find it offensive. How the hell can half a sleeping bag with sleeves sewn in to it be considered reasonable outerwear? In Bondi, people swim outdoors all year round. There is a club, the Bondi Icebergs, dedicated to this pursuit. If the climate necessitated puffer jackets, people would not be hitting the pool during the winter months. Period. And in a city where space is at a premium, the puffer jacket is invasive. On public transport, people wearing the now popular garment

are taking up at least an extra 10 per cent of cabin room. As such, I am thinking of starting a ‘Push a Person in a Puffer’ campaign, to let these people know that neither their extra large footprint, nor their general aesthetic, is appreciated. In fact, I’m going to set up a Facebook page right now in preparation of posting unflattering videos of my victims! In closing, there is no better way to confirm that something is sartorially askew than to make the three-hour trip down the Hume to the nation’s capital. A literal hotbed of dagginess, if the public servants who live in the shadows of Parliament House are following a particular fad, we Eastern Suburbs folk are best to avoid it. Needless to say, Civic was a sea of down jackets and multiple Michelin men were spotted at nearly every café in Manuka. The proof is quite clearly in the pudding. The puffer jacket is putrid and unnecessary. The time is now to put yours on mothballs until your next ski trip.

ARE PUFFER JACKETS A FASHION FAUX PAS? Words and Pictures Catriona Stirrat



No, as long as they aren’t exuberant, bright colours. However, a winter fashion faux pas would have to be flip-flops and jeans. It’s scandalous because they keep your feet cold and the rest of you warm.


I don’t think so. I think they are actually cool if they are the North Face brand. However, ugg boots are a faux pas anywhere. I come from England and I know they are Australian, so no offence, but they are grim.


Leggings with shorts are the real fashion faux pas. They just look horrible together and shorts are for summer, not winter. It is even worse when the leggings have a transparent slit down the side.

Puffer jackets really do look ugly. They are for Antarctica, not Australia. Puffer jackets are overkill here in Australia because they are more like snow jackets and it never gets that cold here!


The puffer jacket is definitely a fashion faux pas - it’s the Tasmanian Tuxedo. It’s practical for places like Tasmania, but it is a puffer jacket and let's face it, you are never going to get away with that, are you?


Puffer jackets are not a fashion faux pas. I think they can be quite trendy because they are street style, yet you can also wear them to the gym and activewear is on trend at the moment. They are clearly versatile! July 2017 | The Beast 51

Dan with a huge Spanish Mackerel from northern NSW.

EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY Words and Picture Dan Trotter


ith the coldest May and June days on record for some time making us all face up to the fact that winter has well and truly arrived, it’s time to execute plans to get the hell out of here, or rug up and find time to go fishing or diving when the conditions and time off work allow it. With the way the standard Sydney working week is heading, and given the costs of living in this thriving metropolis, I’ve been asking myself lately if, like every dog, the harbour city has had its day. Indolent time by the seaside was once a regular part of weekly life, and the hours spent with a line cast into the water were seen as a way to save money and put a feed on the table. Stopping to look around me as the hamster wheel and the enemy work steadfastly in union, turning weeks into days and months into weeks, it really seems that people are either knuckling down doublefold and making a determined effort to stay and pay, or they’re 52 The Beast | July 2017

opting to up stumps and put roots down further afield, where time doing the things they really love is more available. With fishing on the mind, but not enough time to do it often these days, I found myself wondering where I could move and still make a living doing what I do. Unfortunately the answer is not so straightforward for many of us, so I guess it’s back to thinking about fishing for the time being, rather than actually doing it. Moving on to the underwater action locally, if you haven’t been out wide chasing tuna these last few years, then this year might be the year to do it. Whilst no fish have turned up off Sydney as I write, the progression north of some serious sized yellowfin and bluefin tuna has begun and should be upon us by the time you’re reading this. Whilst tuna fishing isn’t everyone’s ideal way to spend a day, it sure is exhilarating when you do get amongst the fish. Catching just one large tuna can create memo-

ries that will last a lifetime. On the inshore reefs, July is an awesome month to fish for snapper, and they can be caught right up in the shallows at dawn and dusk. There’ve even been decent catches of ‘platey’ sized snapper off the local Eastern Suburbs rock ledges. The trickiest part about them is knowing when and where to go. One thing is for sure, though, it has to be safe. Another tasty target species, and one that is far more sustainable than tuna, is the southern calamari squid, which should be plentiful when the conditions are right. Fish a range of different coloured and sized squid jigs across kelp-covered boulder terrain and anticipate their tell-tale take. Once hooked, hold the rod tip high, wind consistently, and keep the tension in the line. Clean your catch before taking them home, be sure to keep the tentacles and wings, and cook yourself a meal to be pleased with fresh out of the ocean.

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July 2017 | The Beast 53

JULY 2017 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Tia Bool Instagram @tiabool MONDAY


31 0152 0809 1446 2110

1.29 0.59 1.43 0.72

3 0339 0952 1630 2255

1.33 0.59 1.52 0.71

4 0437 1037 1717 2350

1.30 0.60 1.57 0.65

10 0308 0902 1436 2107

0.41 1.36 0.54 1.80

11 0345 0941 1515 2145

17 0136 0805 1433 2041

1.48 0.46 1.52 0.64

24 0254 0855 1437 2104

0.15 1.50 0.35 2.02




• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter 5 0531 1.30 1121 0.59 1800 1.63

6 0037 0619 1202 1841

0.58 1.31 0.58 1.69

7 0118 0703 1242 1918

0.52 1.33 0.57 1.73

0.40 1.37 0.55 1.79

12 0422 1022 1557 2223

0.40 1.38 0.57 1.76

13 0501 1105 1642 2303

0.41 1.38 0.59 1.70

14 0543 1151 1730 2347

0.42 1.40 0.62 1.64

18 0243 0901 1534 2157

1.42 0.47 1.60 0.58

19 0354 1000 1635 2308

1.39 0.45 1.71 0.48

20 0503 1.40 1059 0.43 1733 1.82

21 0013 0608 1156 1830

0.36 1.42 0.39 1.93

25 0342 0945 1529 2153

0.17 1.50 0.38 1.95

26 0429 1034 1620 2240

0.22 1.49 0.43 1.84

27 0514 1123 1711 2326

28 0558 0.38 1212 1.45 1803 0.59

Crystal clear Coogee.

0.29 1.47 0.51 1.70



1 0142 0817 1442 2042

1.51 0.53 1.44 0.75

2 0239 0905 1537 2150

1.40 0.57 1.47 0.75

8 0156 0744 1320 1955

0.47 1.34 0.55 1.77

9 0232 0823 1358 2030

0.43 1.36 0.55 1.79

15 0626 0.44 1241 1.42 1826 0.65

16 0038 0714 1335 1929

1.56 0.45 1.46 0.66

22 0110 0707 1251 1923

0.26 1.46 0.36 2.00

23 0203 0801 1345 2015

0.18 1.49 0.35 2.04

29 0012 0640 1300 1859

1.55 0.46 1.43 0.66

30 0059 0723 1352 2001

1.41 0.54 1.42 0.71

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July 2017 | The Beast 55

Not cute.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... NAMING YOUR BABY Words Nat Shepherd Picture Frances Houseman


f you’ve spent nine months incubating a new human being, I reckon you’ve earned the right to call that human being whatever you like. However, you have to understand that a name is a powerful thing. We prejudge people based on their names - you probably have distinct ideas about what a ‘Rupert’ would be like compared to a ‘Tyler’. I have a friend who says he never trusts a ‘Dave’. Whatever your prejudices, it is a fact that our name defines us culturally and socially. According to tradition, a witch will never give her real name because knowing someone’s name gives you power over them. Names are that important. So if you are about to name your little bundle of joy, read on. The Unreliable Guide has some tips and tricks to prevent your little tacker having the piss taken out of him/her for the rest of their life… SPELL IT RIGHT Look, it’s time someone pointed this out. Stupid spellings make you 56 The Beast | July 2017

look illiterate, not clever. Plus you will consign your dear child to a life of explaining themselves:
“No, sorry, it’s Xavier with a ‘Z’. Yes, my parents are f**kwits.” This routine will be with them for the rest of their life, deed poll name-changing notwithstanding. Do you really hate them that much? 

Liz, Lizzie, Lil, Lilly, Bet, Betsy, Bettie, and so on. You’ll need to think of all the possible nicknames your child can be called before lumbering them a name. I refer you again to poor Richard Head. 

 When naming a child you have to take their surname into account. HAVE to. If your surname is ‘Knight’, maybe don’t call your daughter Friday. If your surname is Time or Side, calling your son Justin simply giftwraps him for all future bullies. Worst of all, if your surname is Staines, Head, or Less, please don’t call your son Richard.

 As I said from the start, if you’ve created a human being from scratch you get to call it what you like, but give the poor little sod an odd name and they really won’t thank you. Kids want to fit in. They can make up freaky names when they are older and need to redefine their inner beings. No five-year-old wants to be the only Honey-Blossom, Kaizyle, or Baghwan-Boogie-Boy in a room full of Davids, Sarahs, and Janes. 

 Most names can be shortened and we love to use the diminutive of a name here in Australia. Dave becomes Davo, Jonathan turns into Johnny or Jonno, Margaret is Mags or Maggie, Elizabeth can be

Finally, even though the Unreliable Guide has no business telling you what to call your little ones, remember the Johnny Cash song, ‘A Boy Named Sue’. Sue ended up shooting people. Names really do matter.

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July 2017 | The Beast 57

Stupid Yanks.

THE RODEO CLOWNS ARE BACK IN TOWN Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Donald Trump


n Saturday, July 22, the cowboys are coming to Sydney’s Olympic Park. No, not the footy team. Genuine cowboys. Blokes in big hats with wide gaits and strong jaws. You better lock up your daughters and twinks.* “This is not a rodeo,” they attest. “It’s the one and only Professional Bull Riders.” I am not sure us city folk would be able to tell the difference, to be honest, but looking through the photographs it sure as hell looks like a rodeo. Are there rodeo clowns? Sadly, I don’t think so. They must have unionised and rebranded. I’ve never seen the movie ‘8 Seconds’, but I believe the main takeaways from it were that Luke Perry makes a damn fine cowboy and bull riders are doing well if they last eight seconds on a bull. From 58 The Beast | July 2017

my experience, lasting only eight seconds has never been a cause for celebration, but I have never ridden a bull and nor do I intend to. It is one of those things - like collagen lip injections or marathon running - where I just wonder why the hell people even bother. Because they’re insane, is the only hypothesis I can come up with. After watching a few clips online of these PBR characters, it is the only logical summation. Bulls are not small creatures, nor are they very friendly. Riding a one tonne ball of muscle that not only wants to buck you off, but also end your life, seems like a strange way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I once got chased out of a field by a grumpy ram and when that little bastard got a good run at me, it was scary enough. I was walking funny for weeks!

Which brings us to their lead in line for the event: “Eight seconds of glory or a lifetime of pain.” A lifetime of pain? What the hell? Because a bull stamps on your head, knees, and genitals, and you never walk, shag, or think straight again? Well, I’m not sure the eight seconds of glory is long enough for me to take that risk. Switch the time periods and then we’ll talk. I’m pretty sure even I can handle eight seconds of pain. Despite my sheer awe at the madness of these people, I can’t deny it makes for one hell of a show. Horrible, yes. Terrifying, certainly. It makes my back ache just watching it. But man versus beast always makes for a thrilling contest. It’s like watching Cameron Smith tackle David Klemmer. As long as both walk away with their lives, I’m okay with it. * Please don’t actually do this.

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July 2017 | The Beast 59

The Parthenon on the Athenian Acropolis, dedicated to the goddess Athena.

GOING GREEK WITH BIG GEORGE - TWO DAYS IN ATHENS Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug


very four years since 1936 a lighting of the Olympic flame ceremony has been held in Olympia, Greece, where the Olympic Games originated about 3,000 years ago. From the 8th century BC to the 4th century AD, the ancient games were held every four years in Olympia, located in the western Peloponnese peninsula, in honour of the god Zeus. From Olympia the flame travels to the country that is set to host the Olympic Games via a torch relay, and eventually lights up the Olympic cauldron to mark the start of the games. The flame burns for the duration of the Olympics and is extinguished at the closing. Recently I had the opportunity to walk the hallowed grounds and ruins of Olympia where the ancient games were first held. To get there we sailed into the Greek port of Katakolan aboard the magnificent five-masted ship, the Royal Clipper, as part of a seven-day Rome to Athens Amalfi Coast cruise, and from there it was just a short drive to Olympia. There’s a real spiritual sense of history in seeing the ruins and some of the arenas where events were once held. You feel the energy and can only imagine what the atmosphere would’ve been like when the competitors of yesteryear competed butt-naked. God only knows how

60 The Beast | July 2017

the fully nude and oiled up Greco/ Roman wrestlers ended up, or how much sand ended up in the cracks of the competing long jumpers! Unfortunately in the ancient games only men were able to compete and watch the games. From Olympia we sailed into the port of Piraeus, Athens where our short two-day odyssey began. Time wasn’t on our side to discover this remarkable city fully, but fortunately we picked a taxi at the port that belonged to an extremely jovial large man named George, who had a personality that matched his girth. We fell in love with his warmth and humour, and for the next 48 hours he became our guide and friend. After checking into our hotel, it wasn’t long before George was taking us to the stadium where the first modern Olympic Games were held in 1896. After a quick walk around the arena and a few photos we headed just up the road to our next stop, the Greek parliament house, where we witnessed the changing of the guard. The guards could best be described as a mix of the Village People blended with an Irish Lords of the Dance troupe, on Valium - unusual, captivating, and extremely colourful to say the least. After witnessing the bizarre changing of the guard ceremony, we

jumped back in the taxi and made our way to what George explained was his and Greece’s most popular tourist attraction, the gyros store! While we were pretty certain that any food store would be a favourite with big George, we couldn’t fault the Greek pita bread special stuffed with chips and a double dollop of garlic sauce, which we devoured while taking in the magnificent 360-degree city views from to the highest lookout in Athens, Mount Lycabettus. Our large friend and guide couldn’t make it up to the top due to the many steps and searing heat, so he commandeered a seat in the shade and awaited our return. From the lookout the views of the entire city all the way out to sea were dazzling, with the ancient and historic Acropolis site highlighted by the magnificent Parthenon standing out like the proverbial sore thumb. That afternoon we perused all the major shopping areas and markets, ate more delicious Greek food, and marvelled at the many walkways and paths, which are paved with slabs of incredibly smooth marble. I can only imagine how much of a nightmare these would be to walk on after a bit of rain. The next day we visited the Acropolis and the other ruins that are still standing on the site, and it was undoubtedly our Athens highlight. All across the city there are remnants of crumbling ruins and columns still standing, but the ancient and historical citadel, the Acropolis, along with the renowned Parthenon, are standouts. There’s also a classic ancient amphitheatre, and if the stone seats that lead down to the stage could talk, what a tale they’d tell. The amphitheatre is still used today for concerts and other cultural events. Our Greek adventure was way too short, but with our newfound friend and guide, the behemoth George, the two days we spent in Athens will never be forgotten. How to Get There Vicki Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166 Where to Stay Royal Olympic Hotel Star Clippers

Let's talk about sex.

NORMALISING SEX Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Spinderella


hen I’m asked what I do for a living and I say I’m a sex therapist, most of the responses I get are quite funny. It’s usually a look of disbelief, a nervous laugh, or an embarrassed giggle – usually people don’t know how to respond. It’s quite astonishing that so many of us find it difficult to talk about sex; it’s a sensitive, awkward topic that may raise feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy. This probably shouldn’t be a surprise, given all the negative messages most of us received about sex when we were young. Unfortunately a lack of proper sex education means many of us haven’t even received relatively basic information. In our society sex is just not an acceptable topic for conversation; not too many people will talk openly about their sex lives at a party or the dinner table. The clients I see, couples and individuals, usually take a long time before they make an appointment. “I have never done this before,” they say nervously. Some 62 The Beast | July 2017

couples suffer for years before they seek help and by then it is often too late. Many clients tell me they think they are the only ones who have difficulties. “All of my friends have great sex lives,” they say. When I see couples who struggle in their relationship or haven’t had sex for a while, they tell me they don’t know how it happened. When I ask how much sex education they’ve had, the answer is always the same: not much. And have they had any advice on how to have a relationship? Nothing at all. So we can’t really blame ourselves for not being ‘good at sex’. We are led to believe that having sex is easy and natural, but it’s not. We are taught from a young age how to perform most basic human tasks and, when older, we learn how to study and get a job. But when it comes to knowing how to have sex or a good relationship, we are just thrown in at the deep end. I’m not surprised that many relationships end in separation or divorce.

So what can a sex therapist do to help couples and individuals? The answer is simple. The goal is to help you make your relationships and sex lives as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible. I believe the best way to do that is by normalising sex and providing accurate psychosexual education; sex should be a pleasurable experience. Talking about sex and intimacy may initially feel awkward, but sex therapists are trained to put you at ease and are skilled at identifying and exploring concerns. Through sex therapy you can learn to express your concerns clearly, and be taught how to understand your partner’s and your own sexual needs better. Sexual confidence is difficult to achieve with so many unrealistic expectations of what normal sexual behaviour should be, and is complicated by the lack of discussion around sexual problems. That’s why it is so important to have the right information. Talking to a sex therapist could save your relationship.



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July 2017 | The Beast 63

Tacoola MBFWA 17 Swim Collection; Anna Quan MBFWA 17; C/MEO MBFWA 17.

MUCH MORE THAN JUST RESORT WEAR Words and Pictures Sharmin Musca, Personal Stylist


t’s funny that whenever the mercury dips below the high teens, my mind starts planning an island holiday. But who doesn’t enjoy the chance to break free from your everyday life and mundane wardrobe, and fill a suitcase with summery clothes that make you feel like you’re on holiday just packing them? It’s a no-brainer then that Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Australia (MBFWA) has harnessed the universal appeal of resort wear and made it the focus of the most recent Australian Fashion Week in May. Resort wear has become the money-spinner of the fashion industry - year round there’s someone buying it before jetting off to chase an endless summer, allowing local and international retailers to hang the trans-seasonal pieces on racks for longer. And just as planning a holiday can almost be as much fun as actually going on it, so too can planning your holiday outfits. I mentally 64 The Beast | July 2017

packed my suitcase at MBFWA’s vacation ready swim show. Inspired by the vintage boho-vibe, into my suitcase went a hand crocheted bikini in olive and matching thigh high lace-up sandals by Tacoola, as well as a stunning hand-crocheted white dress by She Made Me. That said, MBFWA is about much more than just resort wear, and from the collections on show I spotted a few notable trends:

Floaty dresses and floral prints Sweet floral prints and pretty dresses were shown at C/MEO and emerging label We Are Kindred.

Tailoring Almost every collection presented a different take on tailoring. From offcentre and asymmetric at Dion Lee, to relaxed tailoring at Christopher Esber, and exquisite shirting with exaggerated cuffs at up and coming label Anna Quan (one to watch).

Red From bright red to rust coloured dresses, crimson coats, and scarlet denim, the bold colour was seen across many shows from Bec & Bridge to Hansel & Gretel and KitX.

Ruffles Feminine ruffles and ruching seemed to be everywhere on the runways, seen in collections from We Are Kindred to Macgraw and C/MEO.

Belts and ties Many designers like KitX and Ginger and Smart sent outfits wrapped with knots, ties, and waist-hugging belts down the runway.

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The weather may have turned cooler, but our events are just starting to heat up with the annual Beach Breaks Carnival at Maroubra Beach on Sunday 23 July from noon to 4.30pm. We’ll have market stalls, food and drinks, amusement rides, sand sculptures, live entertainment plus the announcement of the latest inductees to the Surfing Walk of Fame. This is always an exciting event for the Maroubra community and a fitting way to celebrate the strong surfing culture we have in Randwick City. Mark the event in your diaries – it’s one not to be missed! July also means the start of a new financial year and this year will mark more than a decade of Randwick Council being debt-free with a strong financial outlook. We’re spending your rates dollars responsibly on road and footpath upgrades, maintaining our parks and beaches and building new community centres and playgrounds. This financial year we’re investing $148M in services for the community, including $28.6m in direct capital expenditure. One of the projects in our budget is the Malabar Headland Western Walking Track. Construction is now underway on this exciting project which will link Maroubra Beach and Malabar Beach through the escarpment overlooking Malabar Headland. It will also join the National Parks & Wildlife Service Boora Point Walking Track that opened earlier this year, giving walkers the option of a 1km direct link between the two beaches or a 4km loop around the Malabar Headland. Importantly, the track will open every day as it’s not impacted by the shooting range on Malabar Headland. We anticipate this track will be completed by the end of this year, just in time for summer – watch this space! Councillor Noel D’Souza

Mayor of Randwick 28 June Author Talk: Michael Bendon - The Forgotten Flotilla 6:30-7:30pm Margaret Martin Library, Randwick

14 July Table Tennis For Fun 1:00-3:00pm, Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

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Beach Breaks Carnival 12:00-4:30pm Maroubra Beach

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Seaside Singers 2:00-4:00pm Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

The owner of Scoop, an unpackaged wholefoods store in Bondi, has a message to businesses and consumers addicted to plastic. “Take a daily note of how much single use plastic you use every day, add it all up, then think about it lasting in landfill or the ocean forever,” she said. Now opening their fourth store they are clearly seeing the benefits of their approach. “Our customers are finding this approach to shopping refreshing and fun.” WHAT CAN YOU DO? To start your plastic free journey, we suggest to begin with the BIG 4 plastic polluters: Plastic bags Take your reusable bags grocery shopping and say no to plastic bags when offered. Ask your local shop owner to go plastic bag free and add your voice to the #banthebag campaign online.

Nice work, Craig.



t’s not surprising that plastic pollution has been receiving much deserved public attention lately, from ABC’s Craig Reucassel declaring War on Waste, to Channel Ten’s The Project’s ‘Ban the Bag’ petition. The pressure is mounting for business, government, and the public to do more in the battle against ‘fast plastic.’ ‘Fast plastic’ refers to single use items used for a few minutes that last permanently in our environment. This plastic will outlive us and outswim us. Unfortunately it’s everywhere you go, and we use it on autopilot without thinking what happens to it. Here are some fast facts: • Almost 90 per cent of marine debris found on Sydney’s beaches is plastic (e.g. bottles, caps, straws). • Australians buy 600 million litres of bottled water a year. 66 The Beast | July 2017

• We use 10 million plastic bags a day. • 1 billion coffee cups are littered and landfilled every year. So with Plastic Free July happening around the world this month, it’s never been a better time to break our ‘fast plastic’ habits for the greater good of our hood. LOCAL PLASTIC-FREE BUSINESSES There are many local businesses helping to turn the tide on this epidemic. Roomie Café, for example, offers a 50-cent discount for bringing your own coffee cup and they’ve excluded plastic from their business operations. “All of our bags, straws, and trays are paper, and the cutlery is bamboo,” said café owner Eva. “We don’t have plastic milk bottles; all milk is from the tap that is connected to a 10-litre bag.”

Plastic bottles Swap for reusable ones. Takeaway coffee cups BYO reusable coffee cup. Contrary to popular belief, they are rarely recycled. You may even score a discount from local cafes. Straws Refuse them when offered. You can also join the great community events happening this month to learn more, including a plastic free DIY skin care alternatives seminar on June 27, a film screening and panel discussion on July 2, a Bondi Beach clean-up on July 9, and a market pop-up stall on July 29. It’s all brought to you by your Plastic Free July event partners, Blue Bondi Green, Happy Fish, Plastic Free Bronte, Responsible Runners, Seaside Scavenge, Tangaroa Blue, Take3, Transition Bondi, Underwater Research Group, and Waverley Council. Please head to secondnature. for further details and to book.

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Plastic Free July

Waverley Council will be joining a group of passionate community change-makers to help turn the tide on plastic, this Plastic Free July. This global initiative aims to raise awareness of the problems with single-use disposable plastic and challenges people to do something about it. This year we will be partnering with Blue Bondi Green, Happy Fish, Plastic Free Bronte, Responsible Runners, Seaside Scavenge, Tangaroa Blue, Take3, Transition Bondi, and Underwater Research Group to bring you a number of exciting events. You can take part in a plastic-free DIY skin care workshop, attend the film screening of funny documentary ‘Clean Bin Project’, about zero-waste living or participate in the Bondi Beach clean-up competition. To find out more and RSVP I encourage you to visit If you can’t attend these events but would still like to do your part for the environment this month, you can help by saying no to the big ‘four’ this July – takeaway cups, plastic bottles, straws and plastic bags. Big or small each sustainable action is a step in the right direction for the community.

Bondi Feast 2017

I am excited to announce that Council will be running Bondi Feast on 18–29 July 2017 as part of our Bondi Winter Magic program, which we partner with Bondi & Districts Chamber of Commerce. The fringe-style festival will celebrate arts and culture in Bondi and all the best in home grown theatre, music, comedy, visual arts and food. Over the two week program, 43 new shows, incorporating over 150 talented artists, will be hosted in the Bondi Pavilion. There will be performances held every Tuesday–Saturday night, with hot food and mulled cider offered at a specially themed pop-up bar. If you would like to find out more and catch some of these wonderful acts please visit

Sally Betts, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB

Events Bondi Winter Magic 30 June–30 July Bondi will once again be transformed into a winter wonderland for Bondi Winter Magic. This great event is held in partnership with Bondi and Districts Chamber of Commerce and will run from 30 June– 30 July. There will be old favourites like Bondi Beach Ice Rink, where visitors can skate in the sunshine or under the stars, and the exciting introduction of the Bondi Eye! This ferris wheel will offer a 360 degree, 32 metre high view of Bondi, and provide a chance to view Bondi like you never have before. There will also be opportunities to watch performances from Australian champion ice skaters on the rink. Art on the Streets, Music on the Streets and Bondi Feast will also be running during Bondi Winter Magic to ensure a winter in Bondi is not to be missed for both residents and visitors alike. For more information please visit For more event info visit our website

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Watcha lookin' at?

DONNARUMMA - A SONIC PUNCH TO THE GUT Words Dan Hutton Picture Morgan Sette


onnarumma are an exhilarating rock/roots three-piece from Adelaide, South Australia. Inspired by modern contemporaries such as Arcade Fire and Jeff Buckley, the trio gives it their absolute all to leave the hairs on their listeners’ arms standing up and the goosebumps popping like chicken skin. They’ve recently released a debut EP and they’ll be playing the Townie in Newtown on July 14. We fired a few question at eponymous frontman Louis Donnarumma during the month… If I had to describe our sound in one sentence… I'd say it's a sonic punch to the gut! My first memory of music is… dancing to Elvis as a kid. That would be my earliest memory. Growing up my parents listened to… Frankie Valli, because my mum is a huge fan. That really tuned my senses to hearing beautiful falsetto. I was also exposed to the sounds of Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Talking Heads. Our debut EP, Billy Billy, got its name from… a sign that I passed one day driving to Melbourne that said ‘billy billy’. I wasn’t sure what the sign was for, but that name stuck

70 The Beast | July 2017

with me. We used it to paint an image of a boy lost in the craziness of growing up. You should listen to ‘Love Your Man’, the first single off the EP, because… it truly is something a little different from the rest, from the first bass and drum hit to the raucous screaming saxophone solo. Our dream gig... would be touring around the world covering the States, Europe, and Japan. I would love to play the huge festivals like Coachella and Glastonbury. The dream! If you come to see us play, you can expect... loud guitars, a drummer that jumps around, and a bass that looks like a huge violin. There was one time when we were starting out... that Max, our drummer, was jumping around while playing like he always does, but on this instance he managed to kick his drum stool over and ended up on the floor. He kept hitting whatever was in reach and did such a good job that Anthony and I didn't even notice what had happened. If we could have chosen one song to have written it would have to be... ‘Blurred Lines’ by Robin

Thicke, so that we’d have the legal rights to erase the song from history. Our favourite song to perform would have to be... a tune that will most likely be on the next record called ‘Unrequited Heart’. It starts off soft and melodic then it builds to a huge climax where Anthony lifts his double bass over his head. The best thing about the local music scene is… that it feels like one big supportive family. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. One person we’d still really like to record with is… Win Butler. I’ve been really digging Arcade Fire, so I would die happy if Win and I were in the studio. Our biggest fan has got be… my old man Rob! He’s probably a slightly biased fan, but he comes to almost every gig and really digs the music. We’ll know we have made it when... Anthony can afford to smoke Marlboro again. To find out more about Donnarumma, please visit www. or


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ALBUM #1 Artist Frenzal Rhomb Album High-Vis High Tea Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Yes, Frenzal Rhomb have a new album. Does that mean you can party like it’s 1999? Sure, if you want to. It’s hard to believe these blokes are still alive, let alone making music, but they are and they haven’t missed a beat. Quite literally. This is very tight punk rock. The album sounds exactly as you would expect it to. Fast, frantic, and full of clever politics and dumb profanity. There is a slight difference, however, in some quieter moments. They hint at musical talents beyond profane, generic, punk rock, and like that slice of cheesecake you didn’t eat, you can’t help but wonder: what if ?



na is a controversial and challenging psychological drama that has been adapted by Scottish playwright David Harrower from his award winning play, Blackbird. Directed by the multi-award winning Australian theatre director Benedict Andrews, Una his stunningly powerful first feature film - is about an illicit romance and the repercussions that follow it. 13-year-old Una (Ruby Stokes) falls in love and is seduced by her much older next-door neighbour Ray (Ben Mendelsohn). Three months into their consensual yet illicit relationship he realises how inappropriate it is and abruptly ends it. Fast forward 15 years to an adult Una (Rooney Mara), who feels defined by her emotionally troubled past and requires closure for her feelings of abandonment as well as answers to her lingering questions. Mara’s Una is a simmering mix of fragile yet somewhat strong and twisted emotions, while Mendelson’s Ray is charmingly sincere yet detestable and creepy. These traits make for a confronting and powerful film filled with complex moral and psychological ambiguities. These are made all the more strong with Jed Kurzel’s (Snowtown, Babadook) stirring musical score and cinematographer Thimios Baatakis’s (The Lobster, Dogtooth) intimate close-ups blended with moments of mournful silence that pull you into Una and Ray’s world and keep you there.

72 The Beast | July 2017

Artist Bernard Fanning Album Brutal Dawn Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Continuing with the theme of past rockers still lingering like a two-day hangover, Bernard Fanning continues to bang away on the guitar strings. I was never a big fan of Powderfinger, or even Bernard for that matter, but you can’t deny they’ve both had their moments. And there are more than a few here. I found myself earnestly singing along by the second listen, which shocked me as much as it probably did my neighbours, given I was wearing headphones. It actually reminds me of the Coors, and I don’t care what anyone says, they were a bloody great band.

ALBUM #3 Artist Dappled Cities Album IIIII Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  If a band ever deserved an A for effort, it’s these guys. They’ve been around longer than most marriages last and, like a third husband, often don’t get the credit they’re due. I can’t help but feel that if they were English or American, they would be much more popular here, but we Australians can be very finicky when it comes to our own. This is another solid effort. They’ve always sounded like a blend of the Flaming Lips, the Shins, and Crowded House, and to me nothing has changed. Although, after over fifteen years, perhaps it’s right to say they just sound like Dappled Cities.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Graeme Gordon Instagram @beachhead1900 BARZURA HEARTS COOGEE Barzura is once again holding its #BarzuraHeartsCoogee photo competition, which is now in its third year and will once again offer loads of great prizes. To enter, post your original photo of Coogee on Facebook or Instagram, title your image, and include the hashtag #BarzuraHeartsCoogee with the addition of the sponsor tags - see terms and conditions at for details. Among other things, Barzura’s favourite entry will win a three-night stay for two at the Adina Apartment Hotel in Coogee, valued at $600, dinner for two at Barzura, valued at $150, and a champagne breakfast for two at Barzura, valued at $100. The competition closes on August 6, so get snapping! Go to for more information. SICK KIDS, SICK ART The original designs of hospitalised teens are currently on display at Sydney Children's Hospital, Randwick, as part of the new photography exhibition, ‘Face Off ’. Through the Starlight Children's Foundation's adolescent program, Livewire, the teens were empow-

Choppy laps.

ered to develop their skills in Photoshop to produce designs with facial features as the key theme. Livewire provides hospital support to sick teens around Australia through activities and workshops to combat loneliness and enhance personal development. The exhibition ends August 31. SIX8 BRINGS LIVE MUSIC TO YOUR DOOR Having a party without live tunes is like having a sausage sanga without tomato sauce. Six8 is an online community, set to bring live music into spaces where there was none before. Essentially the ‘Uber for live entertainment’, Six8 allows users to sign up as artists or hosts. Hosts can be venue managers, bookstore owners, someone organising a barbecue on the beach, or anyone with a backyard. As a result, the only limit is your imagination when it comes to creating live music experiences. Check out and host a musical extravaganza on home turf. MUSIC TO HELP YOU SLEEP Inspired by nature and the beautiful east coast of Sydney, Malabar local Maeve Belshaw has launched Soulful Soundwaves. Maeve and

her husband compose music that helps quieten your monkey mind and seduce you into a particular mental and physical state on demand. That means sleep, relaxation, focus, and concentration when you need it. Using a scientifically proven method of brain entrainment and specific frequencies, the music allows you to effortlessly access a more effective, calmer, and more productive way of being. Check out BONDI BOY GROWS BLUEBEARD When local Bondi theatre director Michael Dean heard that his iconic Pavilion was going to be renovated, he felt it was important to artistically visit the site to pay his respects. He remembers “going to the beach with family, and then later with friends, getting changed in the change rooms”. Those change rooms will be the setting for his latest devised work: Bluebeard. A reimagining of the 17th century dark fairytale with inspiration from modern day murder cases, the play will be performed in the actual shower block of the Bondi Pavilion building. Tickets are only $15. Get in quick for the late July sessions. For more information, please visit



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A real winner.

MY MORNING GRANOLA Recipe and Image from Seasons to Share by Jacqueline Alwill


very time I make a big batch of granola I package some of it up and pass it on to a friend, neighbour, or family member, or even a client at a meeting (random, but true). It’s always well received because, seriously, who doesn't love a gift of food? The funny thing is, every time I give this delightful morning granola as a gift, the recipient always ends up asking for the recipe. Without fail. My Morning Granola really is a winner. It’s incredibly wholesome with plenty of beautiful ingredients to make your body feel satisfied and energised. Make some and discover it for yourself. Oh, and maybe gift a little of it on to a pal too. It’d be rude not to. INGREDIENTS 2 cups rolled oats
 2 cups flaked coconut
 1/2 cup sunflower seeds
 1/2 cup golden linseeds
 1/2 cup raw cashews, roughly chopped 1/2 cup raw almonds, roughly chopped 1 tbsp cinnamon 3 tbsp coconut oil, melted 1 tbsp vanilla extract
 76 The Beast | July 2017

3 tbsp maple syrup
 1/2 cup goji berries 1/2 cup sultanas
 1/2 cup apple juice sweetened cranberries
 1/2 cup dehydrated kiwi (or swap for organic Turkish apricots) METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 170°C and line two baking trays with greaseproof paper. 2. In a large bowl, combine oats, coconut, sunflower seeds, linseeds, cashews, almonds, and cinnamon. 3. Whisk together coconut oil, vanilla extract, and maple syrup, then pour over dry ingredients and mix until evenly coated. 4. Place in oven and bake for 10 minutes, toss, then bake for a further 5-8 minutes. 5. Remove from oven, allow to cool, then add dried fruits of choice. 6. Store in a large airtight container up to three weeks.

Bondi local Jacqueline Alwill is a qualified, practicing nutritionist, personal trainer, whole foods cook and, most importantly, mother to Jet. She is committed to improving the health, wellbeing and happiness of all individuals. In her first cookbook, Seasons to Share, Jacqueline has brought together a delightful collection of beautiful seasonal wholefoods recipes for all occasions. Seasons to Share (Murdoch Books) is available now in all good bookstores and online.

The bar has been raised.

CHARO DINING ROOM BRINGS QUALITY GRUB TO THE LOCAL PUB Words Dining Dave Instagram @diningdave Picture Grant Brooks


ewly renovated about a year ago, the Charing Cross Hotel Dining Room sits separately from the bar area of the hotel. The hotel itself, of course, stands out prominently on the intersection of Carrington Road and Bronte Road in Waverley, so it’s easy to find. My companion and I arrived at the Dining Room on a cold, drizzly Wednesday night and were immediately seated in a quiet section of the room near the glass wall separating us from the outdoor courtyard and underneath the kitchen outlook. The room’s décor is modest, but relaxing, featuring blonde wooden tables, bamboo chairs, and high-top bar tables, and the eye is immediately drawn to the Rorschach inkblotpatterned wallpaper running along the entire length of the rear wall. We were well taken care of by our keen server, former Bryon Bay local Nick, who quickly set us up with cold Byron Bay draught ales. He then brought us four starters: rosemary and garlic flatbread with house labna; grilled organic

halloumi with crisp chickpeas and sundried tomatoes; croquettes of braised pork cheek with apple, fennel and hazelnut; and lime-cured kingfish and scallop ceviche with avocado puree. The craft of executive chef Stephen Scott was on display here, as each starter stood out for flavour, texture, and presentation, especially the ceviche, which was elevated by the avocado puree, and the grilled halloumi and its harmony with the roasted chickpeas. A couple of more ales came with the two mains - crisp Borrowdale pork belly with pumpkin, morcilla, and poached apple; and roast Cone Bay barramundi with smoked eggplant, spiced carrots, farro, and hazelnut salad – as well as sides of thrice cooked fries with curry ketchup, and mixed steamed greens with salted ricotta. The different elements on each plate balanced perfectly, particularly the pumpkin puree with the pork belly and the eggplant with the barramundi. Overall it was a very satisfying meal for both of us.

Of course, we had to have dessert, so we went with the most devilish one on offer: the hot snickers pudding - a hot, black, skillet filled with gooey chocolate pudding and peanut butter fudge ice cream drenched in caramel sauce. One word: wow. Waverley may not be renowned for its top-end dining, but the Charing Cross Hotel Dining Room really does raise the bar. It’s certainly worth checking out for a delicious high-end meal down at the local. Charing Cross Hotel Dining Room Address 81 Carrington Road, Waverley Phone (02) 9389 3093 Instagram @charingcrosshotel Facebook charingcrosshotel Open Dinner 7 days; Lunch Friday to Sunday Prices Starters $18 - $22; Mains $27 - $38; Dessert $14 $16 Cards Accepted All major Licensed Yes July 2017 | The Beast 77

minutes until the pastry is a light golden colour. Set aside to cool for 20 minutes. 3. In the meantime, for the curd, mix the condensed milk, lemon juice and zest, and egg yolks in a bowl until smooth. 4. Place the egg whites and a pinch of salt in the bowl of an electric mixer and whisk on medium speed until frothy. Increase the
speed to high and slowly rain in the sugar, beating constantly for 3–4 minutes until the sugar has dissolved and the meringue mixture is thick and glossy.

Look at those layers!

CINDY’S LEMON CURD TART Words and Picture Justine Schofield


n my last trip to New Caledonia I had lunch at the Baronnet’s cattle farm near Bourail. This humble family takes New Caledonian hospitality to a new level, and the dishes they prepared were delicious – in particular, Cindy’s tarte au citron meringuée. It was the perfect combination of bitterness from the lemon, sweetness from the curd, and crunchiness from the meringue topping. I’ve changed up the base of the cake a little using a classic shortbread recipe. I think it complements the other layers beautifully. INGREDIENTS (serves 6) Curd 395g can sweetened condensed milk Juice of 1½ lemons Zest of 1 lemon
 4 eggs, separated 200g caster sugar 78 The Beast | July 2017

Shortbread 225g plain flour
 40g (1⁄3 cup) cornflour
 1⁄2 tsp baking powder Fine salt flakes
 150g butter, softened
 50g caster sugar METHOD 1. Preheat the oven to 160°C and grease a 26cm tart tin. 2. For the shortbread, sift the flours, baking powder, and a pinch of salt into a bowl. Cream the butter and sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer using the paddle attachment until pale and creamy. Turn the speed down to low, add the sifted dry ingredients, and beat until a light dough forms. Tip the dough into the prepared tin and press the shortbread into the base and side with your hands. Cover with a piece of baking paper and chill in the fridge for 20 minutes. Remove the baking paper and bake in the oven for 20–25

5. Pour the curd over the shortbread and spread out evenly. Dollop the meringue mixture over the curd and spread all the way to the edge with a palette knife, then use the knife to form rough peaks. Bake for 25–30 minutes until the meringue is golden and crunchy on top. Cool completely before serving. Justine Schofield’s fabulous new cookbook, Simple Every Day (RRP $34.99), published by Plum, is designed to make life easier in the kitchen, giving you more time to enjoy both the preparation and the delicious results. There are quick and tasty mid-week dinners, Sunday slow cooks, easy bakes, and simple and delicious dessert recipes inside. Simple Every Day will be available in all good book stores from June 27.

Vanya Cullen has been winemaking at her family’s Wilyabrup estate since 1983.

NEW WINES FROM OLD PRODUCERS Words and Picture Alex Russell Instagram @ozwineguy


ost wineries have wines that they produce every year, or at least in years when the fruit is good enough. Go to Yalumba, for example, and you’ll find a release of ‘The Signature’ each year. These are wines that you can rely on for a decent drink year in, year out. Some of these producers push out interesting new labels every now and then to expand their range, or to try something new, even if they only ever reach their mailing list and don’t make it into retail stores. It wasn’t long ago that any Australian wine over $100 was a tough sell (with a couple of obvious exceptions). Of course, we already have Grange, Hill of Grace, Torbreck’s ‘The Laird’, and others going for $700-plus, but recently there have been a few new and very interesting top shelf wines coming from our best producers, and some of these have had pretty extreme price tags attached to them, too. YERING STATION ‘SCARLETT’ The ‘Scarlett’ Pinot Noir was first released in 2013, and picked up

97 points from Halliday. Named after their technical viticulturist (Nathan Scarlett - 1975-2013), this wine celebrates his legacy of precision viticulture using some pretty fancy technology, and is made from very special batches of Pinot grapes. They’ve recently released the 2015 vintage. 2015 was a stellar year in the Yarra. For $250, not many of us will get to try this, but this is one of the those wines that goes in the cellar and you bring out in 10 or so years for a special occasion. YALUMBA ‘THE CALEY’ Yalumba has always been a personal favourite of mine. Their top shelf drop used to be ‘The Octavius’ Shiraz. They have now one-upped themselves with ‘The Caley’, a delicious blend of Coonawarra Cabernet and Barossa Shiraz. The 2012 vintage is priced at $350 per bottle, and is expected to last 30 years. With 98 points from Halliday, it’s been on the receiving end of some pretty high praise.

CULLEN ‘VANYA’ (AND THE FANCY CHARDS) Vanya Cullen already makes one of Australia’s most celebrated reds - the ‘Diana Madeline’ Cabernet - but the 2012 vintage offered an opportunity to make something very special. She released a new top-tier Cabernet, called Vanya, and priced it at $350. Is it worth it? I can’t say I managed to get a bottle of it, as only 388 dozen were made, but 99 points from Halliday kind of speaks for itself, and every other wine reviewer I’ve read has given similar accolades to it. She’s also been making some pretty interesting variations on her top-shelf Chardonnay, like the ‘Flower Day’, ‘Flower Barrel’, and ‘Fruit Barrel’. These are all around $250 per bottle, so only the serious need apply. These wines have hefty price tags attached to them and won’t be in reach of most people. And all need some time in the cellar, so perhaps it’s best not to crack them open if you do get your hands on them any time soon. But by jingo it’s nice to dream, isn’t it? July 2017 | The Beast 79



















ACROSS 1. US city with the Golden Gate Bridge (3,9) 6. Powerful 2009 documentary about the slaughter of dolphins in Japan (3,4) 7. Looney Tunes character, Wile E … (6) 9. A cloud of dust in outer space (6) 10. Footy jumper (6) 11. Occupation over a lifetime; moving uncontrollably (6) 12. Colloquial moustache (2) 13. Lacking completely (6) 15. Hallucinogenic drug (1,1,1) 18. Greatest German basketball player ever (4,8)

DOWN 1. Basketball movie starring Michael Jordan (5,3) 2. City home to Madison Square Garden (3,4) 3. Price to play a round in poker (4) 4. Ohio’s second largest city (9) 5. 4 down’s basketball team (8) 8. Renowned Edgar Allan Poe narrative poem (3,5) 13. Sharp object thrown at a target for sport (4) 14. US state nicknamed the ‘Hawkeye State’ (4) 15. Idle, indolent (4) 16. Small drop of liquid (4) 17. Different to what is usual or expected (3)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Madeleine Gray Picture Taylor Wong Instagram @twongphotography 1. True or false: Donald Trump’s Twitter handle is @realDonaldTrump as he couldn’t convince the owner of @DonaldTrump to give it up? 2. At which pop star’s concert did the recent Manchester terror attack take place?

Sketchy Tama jump-off. 80 The Beast | July 2017

3. Which Grand Slam tennis tournament has Samantha Stosur won? 4. Which Bondi local hosted the iconic Australian news/comedy television show, Good News Week? 5. Which was the fourth most successful political party in the 2016 Australian federal election (counting the Liberal-National Coalition as one party)?

6. What is the capital city of Papua New Guinea? 7. What is the hardest substance known to man? 8. Does a Ningbing false antechinus have feathers, fur or fins? 9. Which film now holds the record for the highest grossing film directed by a woman? 10. In what year did the Bogey Hole café at Bronte first open?

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 23 Anything that restricts your freedom is a bad life choice and would need to deliver enormous benefits to compensate for the loss of liberty.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 22 The government wants you to be a corporate PAYG slave so they can rape you regularly and royally. Take action now or accept your fate.

LEO JUL 24-AUG 23 Conspicuous consumption is fine, except when it's not fine, which is all the time, so stop trying to look rich by buying showy, expensive shit.

CAPRICORN DEC 23-JAN 20 You should at least have a look in the mirror before you venture out, because no one is going to take you seriously when you look like that.

VIRGO AUG 24-SEP 23 Join a religion - you're too stupid to form your own morals based on a rational consideration of the consequences of your own actions.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you be happy with your life choices up until now? Maybe it's time for a change then.

TAURUS APR 21-JULY 20 You fall in love with everyone you sleep with so it's important to maintain high standards; pumping a bushy is sweet, marrying one is not.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 As you age, your ringot's elasticity will start to deteriorate and you'll need to put tampons in your bum to avoid shitting your gear.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Being a 'citizen of the world' is a lovely notion but, when the shit hits the fan, a citizen of the world is a citizen of nowhere.

GEMINI JULY 21-JUN 21 Always being in a rush doesn't somehow make you more important, it just means you're a dumb f**k who can't manage your time properly.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 It's time to start respecting your body and eating more healthily. If you really were what you ate, you'd be such a horrendous sight.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 Live like a miser while you're in Sydney and spend all your money overseas where it goes ten times further - there is no value here.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. True 2. Ariana Grande 3. The US Open 4. Paul McDermott 5. Nick Xenophon Team 6. Port Moresby 7. Wurtzite boron nitride 8. Fur 9. Wonder Woman 10. 1993

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82 The Beast | July 2017



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The Beast - July 2017  

The July 2017 edition of The Beast featuring Martine Emdur...

The Beast - July 2017  

The July 2017 edition of The Beast featuring Martine Emdur...