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April 2017


Healthy, Happy and Wise




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WELCOME TO APRIL 2017... THE MONTH OF MODERATION Words Dan Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive Instagram @jeremygreive


elcome to the April 2017 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East. The weather has now turned, and instead of lamenting the insufferable heat, we’re blasting the rain. It seems it really is true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone! March saw us all get wrecked at Mardi Gras, and then clean up our act for some family fun the next day at the Spot Festival, before eating literally everything at Taste of Sydney in Centennial Park. So this month, moderation is the buzzword. Unfortunately the likes of Easter and Anzac Day will be competing with one another to put an end to anything resembling moderation, as it’s nigh on impossible to avoid excessive amounts of chocolate on the former, and the beers just seem to taste better

8 The Beast | April 2017

when you’re flipping coins and honouring fallen soldiers on the latter.

In the mag this month we take a look at the spider-mania that’s gripped the Eastern Suburbs over the past few weeks, and talk with a spider expert who is here to calm your frazzled nerves. We’ve also got a run-through of the Dawn Services happening locally on Anzac Day, an in-depth look into Coogee Beach’s plummeting water quality

rating, an uplifting tale of a local touch football team’s rise through the ranks to premiership glory, and a piece that seeks to find some explanation for the recent spike in drowning fatalities at Maroubra Beach. There’s also a story about the amazing work being done by a group of young female artists in Sydney to counter the lack of women represented in the art scene - and it just so happens that their art is inspired by the Eastern Beaches! Our cover interview this month is with the often controversial, always entertaining chef, Pete Evans. Pete’s celebrity definitely does not inhibit his candidness, and we’re sure you’ll be interested by his take on things. There’s plenty more good stuff inside too, so we hope you enjoy flicking through the following pages. Dan and James Publishers


APRIL 2017 ISSUE 147

08 Welcome Note

50 Rupert’s Rant

66 Street Style

10 Pearls of Wisdom

52 Local Bloke

70 Enviro News

09 Contents

12 Monthly Mailbag 22 Thumbs & Dogs 24 Local News 25 Beastpop I 42 Calendar

43 Trade Directory 44 Interview

51 Beastpop II

54 Local Chick

56 Fish ‘n’ Tips 57 Tide Chart

58 Unreliable Guide

60 This Sporting Life 62 Travel Bug 64 Sexy Time

Bondi self ie, by Amaury Tréguer - @morningbondi.

68 Local Photos 72 Bandage 74 Reviews

75 Arts Bits

76 Food & Wine

80 Trivial Trivia

82 Beardy From Hell 82 Trivia Solutions

This dickhead has a lot to answer for.



orget fracking, coal mining, global warming and privatisation, if you want to get an Eastern Suburbs parent frothing almond milk at the mouth, mention the word ‘immunisation’. With immunisation dissenters aplenty, the Eastern Suburbs is proudly up there in the list of non-vaccinating neighbourhoods - renegades through and through, opposed to putting poison into their toddlers’ bodies (unless it’s a gluten-free chocolate for breakfast, to keep the peace). Educated and affluent, the anti-vaxxers won’t be told what to do, even if their supposed ‘science’ is based on that of a British doctor jailed for medical fraud. How refreshing that one doesn’t have to move to feral Byron Bay to be a hippy; you can simply live in Clovelly, dress in a kaftan and cowboy hat, sip Elle Macpherson Elixir and refuse to give Duke his jabs. And how reassuring that trendy, beautiful celebrities have joined the anti-vax bandwagon, making it all terribly acceptable (until Pauline Hanson joined the ‘cause’, at least). Despite my plethora of knowledge on the subject of ‘trendy’ 10 The Beast | April 2017

parenting, I have, up until now, refrained from commenting on immunisation, except for a subtle dig now and again at those parents who dissent. Medicos are better equipped to deal with the hysteria of the anti-vaxxing set, and to a certain degree Pearl can understand why the younger generation is suspicious of pharmaceutical companies; there is no way I’m taking statins, even though Catalyst’s report was deemed biased. But I’m an old lady in control of my health, not a vulnerable baby whose parents have made immunisation dissent a ‘lifestyle’ choice, like veganism or owning the latest Range Rover. And if I refuse to take statins (not that I need them) I’m hurting no one but myself. So with ‘Doctor’ Hanson as the poster gal for what is an ‘overintellectualised cause’, I feel I am now permitted to rant, admonish and point out the stupidity of antivaxxers. Yes, I can understand the ‘big pharma’ argument, but isn’t it a little hypocritical when parents substitute vaccines with expensive homeopathic medicines, and that Andrew Wakefield, the anti-vaxx-

ing hero, based his evidence on lies while hypocritically profiting from his own preventatives? We are talking about vaccines that have been proven and have saved people from horrible, painful deaths (I suggest anti-vaxxers read Philip Roth’s heart-wrenching ‘Nemesis’, about the polio epidemic in New Jersey during WWII, and then watch the movie ‘The Sessions’), vaccines that are inaccessible to children in developing nations due to their cost and the lack of access to health systems (What do anti-vaxxers do when they take their kiddies on a spiritual tour of Asia? I bet they make sure their own bodies are protected!). One can only hope that with the ‘dangerous and ignorant’ Pauline Hanson jumping on board the anti-vax cause, along with Donald Trump and lunatic Republican Michele Bachmann, vaccine dissent will lose its glamorous, urban hippy appeal. If Eastern Suburbs dissenters want to protect their kiddies and fight for a cause, Pearl suggests they put their zeal behind anti-fracking, anti-coal and climate change.


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April 2017 | The Beast 11

THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs Illustrations Dalton Wills POST OFFICE BOX ADVICE Dear Beasties - In response to the article in the March 2017 Beast regarding letterbox break-ins (Wave Of Letterbox Break-Ins Leaves Bondi On High Alert, The Beast, March 2017), can I suggest that anyone who doesn’t have a secure, locked letterbox can rent a post office box at any of the local post offices. It will give you 24/7 security and safety, and mail sorted before 9am and kept dry and free from snails, roaches and fireworks. In addition, parcels can be sent to a PO box for collection from the post office. But wait, there’s more. If you rent a PO box you can get six months of free mail redirection to your new PO box, so all mail to your street address will end up in your new PO box. Come down and see us at Tamarama Post Office to open a new PO box or for more details. Phil Levy Tamarama Post Office BRONTE’S BLOODY GREAT, JOHN Dear John Thistlewaite - Mate, you are way off the mark with your comments about greedy clubbies in last month’s Beast (Greedy Clubbies, Letters, The Beast, March 2017). I have lived in Bronte all of my life of 72 years and I am a life member of Bronte Surf Club. My two sons are and have been Waverley Council lifeguards, as have I. In 10 years you have seen three rescues by Bronte clubbies, which indicates that you very rarely visit Bronte. On Christmas Day alone the patrols did over 50 rescues, and the total for the season was 263 with 3740 preventions. Preven-

12 The Beast | April 2017

tions are when a patrol member tells somebody not to swim outside of the flags. First aid, 378. Bronze medallions, 64. 800 nippers with 718 awards. Thousands of trained up ex-members walking our streets ready to do a resuscitation if needed. The rubber duck is out there training, etc. No doubt, John, you have a problem. You’re what I would call a grumpy old bastard. One thing I agree with is that the parking could be better organised and I will mention it to the right people. John, lighten up and enjoy the best beach in the world with the best lifeguards and lifesavers. While I’m at it, thanks to Waverley Council for keeping Bronte Beach in tip-top shape. Bluey Graham Mayor of Bronte

As someone born and bred in Bronte, when I sit down to read a local’s perspective, I expect just that - a local’s perspective. WHAT CONSTITUTES A LOCAL? Hi Guys - Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you both on a great little publication. The quality and creativity of the content is superb. Well done. But I have a bone to pick. Can we please stop feeding this delusional, egotistical concept of being a ‘local’. I refer to your most recent publication in which you interviewed a successful young ‘local chick’, Marie Heritage.

The article begins by stating the discussion was with a local, then goes on to inform the reader that Marie has lived in Bondi for a whole six years. I’m not sure if there is a general timeline for one being considered a local, but I sure as hell know six years nowhere near cuts it. Marie, ironically, then goes on to state that the worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs is the amount of tourists. I have nothing against Marie. It’s certainly not her fault she has been labelled a ‘local’. My issue is with those labels being thrown around freely without substance. It’s not accurate. Perhaps I’m taking it too seriously, but it’s not the first time I’ve come across these five-minute locals in your interview sections. As someone born and bred in Bronte, when I sit down to read a local’s perspective, I expect just that – a local’s perspective, not thoughts from someone who lives in the area. Guys, can we find real locals in future or rename the feature ‘Discussions with Residents’. Thanks, and well done again on a top mag. George M Bronte SWING TIME I wish Vicky Edema good luck with her plea to Waverley Council to allow the reconstruction of the tree swing in Gardyne Street, Bronte (Bring Back The Bronte Swing, Letters, The Beast, March 2017). We too erected a small timber swing on our beautiful jacaranda tree outside our home in Read Street. Primarily it was for our two three-year-old granddaughters to enjoy, but very quickly it also became a place of fun, laughter and enjoyment for the children from Bronte Public School on their way home. The sound of children’s laughter each afternoon was fabulous. We unfortunately had a neighbour who (anonymously) didn’t share that feeling. A complaint to Waverley Council resulted in a request from them to remove the swing. We offered to have an arborist assess the safety of the limb the small swing was attached to, however their decision was irreversible and the swing came down. The magnificent tree still gives local children a place to climb, to play pretend games and to share some quiet time. At least, for now, there is no council

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regulation against a child climbing a tree – well, not yet. Dawn Comninos Bronte ROCK FISHING LEGISLATION NEEDS AMENDMENT Dear Sir or Madam - I, like a number of other dedicated volunteers, have worked with government agencies to produce videos and multilanguage information packs advising on safe fishing. Our rock fishing production, ‘Don’t put your life on the line’, can be seen here: com/watch?v=4O-yKhyZJrw. I’m in this production, as are my colleagues. The video provides all you need to know about safe rock fishing. Recently, the government legislated over our advice with a blunt, one glove fits all, ill-informed and incomplete piece of legislation, that being: ‘Wear a lifejacket when rock fishing or be fined $100’. This makes no mention of wearing correct footwear on the rocks, which is 50 per cent of the safety equipment, and makes no mention of the fact that you cannot dive under waves with a lifejacket on. We simply want this legislation modified to match the

14 The Beast | April 2017

advice given in our video, which was produced with government money, and lots of it. We want the above law amended to: ‘Rock fishers must wear either a lifejacket, a life vest, or a wetsuit and appropriate footwear, that being rock cleats or rock spikes on sandstone and slippery rocks, or lightweight stout soled boots on granite’. Further, this is being run by the Justice Department, which has, with the aid of Randwick City Council, installed a few signs at fishing spots stating the new legislation. It beggars belief that they did not contact Fisheries and get the e-mail addresses of all the anglers in NSW and e-mail them this information. A complete lack of government department cooperation. An additional part of the message needs to be: ‘Join a fishing club’. That way those who are inexperienced can get proper advice face to face. Paul Cooper Randwick WHAT ALCOHOL BAN? ▼ On a Sunday afternoon I observed the police going around the barbecue area at Coogee's Goldstein Reserve

tipping out people's drinks, although I didn't see them go into the two enormous pubs just fifty meters away and do the same. It seems that the sausage in bread eaters just can't be trusted. Grogmonster Coogee FISH OUT OF WATER Perusing the latest Beast I noticed a number of cartoons. Maybe Dan and James will give a young, up-andcoming artist a gig? His name is Eaten Fish, 23, and he won the Cartoonist Rights Network Award for Courage. He has been mentored by cartoon legend Andrew ‘First Dog on the Moon’ Marlton. Last Saturday Mr. Fish's work appeared in the SMH. It is unlikely that this clever young man will ever see his work published in The Beast. You see, Mr. Fish has been a prisoner on Manus Island for three years. During his recent 19-day hunger strike, Eaten said, "I think you should give me the right to die and stop this torture and suffers and pains." A quick biography: Mr. Fish fled persecution in Iran only to suffer

sexual assault from several detainees. His medical records chronicle deteriorating mental health. Too sick to complete the forms, Mr. Fish was refused refugee status and received a deportation notice (Iran does not repatriate its citizens). Now he waits. If you care, you'll Google the name Eaten Fish and speak up. Meanwhile, how about one of his works in the April Beast? Mark Paskal Clovelly SORRY JOHNNY! ▼ Johnny, sorry but you don't know what you're talking about (Coogee Booze Ban A Good Idea, Letters, The Beast, March 2017)! To claim that the total alcohol ban has had no effect on businesses in Coogee is absurd. I have been a resident of Coogee for over 40 years, and owned businesses in Coogee for 15 years. January and February have been two of the slowest opening months to the year I can remember, and every business owner I know in Coogee agrees with me. The kneejerk overreaction to what went on on Christmas Day has caused a massive reduction in numbers visiting Coogee and using the park and the park’s amenities. Maloney's, Woolworths and the Village Butcher aren't selling barbecue meats, dips, cheeses, chips, etc. La Spiaggia, Beach Burrito and the other restaurants on the strip aren't getting the hungry punters who have just left the grassed area. Old Dave's Soul isn't getting the after flow of the grassed area. The Coogee Bay

16 The Beast | April 2017

Bottle Shop is down around $40,000 a weekend alone. Coogee was not out of control with alcohol-fuelled backpackers! Coogee is not a retirement village. It is a beautiful, amazing destination for people from all around the world and is home to a lucky few thousand. What happened on Christmas Day wasn't ideal. But it happened. It was one day. Deal with it better next year and prepare for it when it comes around again. Manage the alcohol ban. Put it in place from dusk to dawn. That way you don't punish the locals and you put a limit on how long people can drink. If people are moved on at dusk then the restaurants, supermarkets and cafes get that flow-on of people. Not being able to simply go to the park with your family or mates to have a barbecue and a few beers is absurd, and it’s just another right taken away from us. I have a fiveyear-old son. We go to the park at the beach at least three afternoons a week and I have never ever felt uncomfortable with groups of people sitting around enjoying a beer or wine at our amazing beach. Sorry Johnny, but if you want to live in a retirement village, maybe Port Macquarie is the place for you. Dave Martin Coogee RUPERT IS A DICKHEAD Dear Beast - Thank you for your wonderful magazine. It gets read cover to cover in our house each month.

I’ve been meaning to write for a bit, so apologies that this is a bit late, but I would like to refer back to the January issue and Rupert TruscottHughes’s article, ‘Has Sydney Lost Its Soul’. I have no issue with the article per se, but wanted to address the piece of the article where Rupert says “self-interested c#@ts, for lack of a better adjective”. My thought was/is: “Really? You can’t come up with a better adjective than a derogatory word about/toward women? What about dickhead, asshat, shit for brains, etc.?” I personally find it offensive that that word is in your magazine at all. Even urban dictionary says: “Considered by many to be the most offensive word in the English language.” Please realise that using terms that are derogatory towards women is a subtle form of pulling women down. It’s an easy thing to not be aware of, and so now I ask: Can The Beast please be aware and perhaps vet them in the future? Maurya Bondi Junction LOCAL ACTIVISM TAKES UP TOO MUCH SPACE Waiting in line at Iggy’s on Macpherson Street (it's like Iggy's purposely made no room in their shop so you have to line up on the street) and I see a large, well organised group harassing people on a Sunday morning. What's the cause I wonder? Hungry children in Africa? A new political party that will shake up the system? Stop the destruction

of rainforest for palm oil plantations? No, it's the time rich, over privileged telegraph pole vandals of Save Bronte getting all flustered over an extra floor. Can't these Bronte bubble zealots just submit their DA objections like normal people without shoving their overblown opinions in everyone's face? Rant over. Best I leave it at that. I'll just go back to dreaming of what it would have been like with a Harris Farm and an RSL across the road - cold schooners, big screen sports, a variety of fresh fruit and produce to choose from, fancy sauces and deli meats, not having to get in my car and add to chaos of Bondi Road, Bondi Junction or Randwick - hmmm… Anthony Bosch Bronte HOW TO FIX CLOVELLY BEACH ▲ There’s not much I like better than holding my daughter’s hand as we jump off the concrete into a high tide at Clovelly. But when the tide is low, or even at mid-tide, Clovelly turns into a cesspool. Most locals will only

18 The Beast | April 2017

swim there on a high tide. I wonder what the water quality tests show on a very low tide? A close examination reveals every square inch is condensed rubbish, sunscreen and micro-rotting seaweed. I know it’s caused a few earaches over summer. As an engineer, I wonder why no one does anything when the solution seems obvious. Let’s move some of the rocks that block the entrance. It’s a man-made blockage, so there’s no environmental damage. In fact, cleaner water will help the aquatic life. Worried about sharks getting in? Let’s put a net across. We can afford it. I’ll set up a Kickstarter campaign if the council won’t do it. And what shall we do with the rocks? Maybe if we placed them in the right spot off the point, we could create a nice point break – I’m pushing for a much needed right-hander. I’m writing this letter to see how many others are thinking the same way. If there are enough people, then I’ll take up the cause. If you think it’s a good idea, or maybe I’ve missed some completely obvious reason

why it’s not, then please email me at Bob Clovelly LYRCA CLAD DISTURBANCE Dear Editor - I live at North Maroubra near the roundabout, a great place to wake up on the weekend, listening to the waves crash on the beach. Unfortunately the lycra-clad weekend warriors on their bikes insist on yelling warnings of oncoming traffic to the peloton behind the lead rider - "CLEAR! CLEAR!" - as they cycle down Maroubra Road heading towards Mahon Pool. This is usually around 6am or earlier, a time when most people are trying to enjoy a well-earned sleep in after a week’s toil. I'm all in favour of their need for some exercise, but surely it shouldn't be at the expense of local residents just trying to sleep. I suggest Anzac Parade as an alternative route to live out their Tour de France fantasies, and if they must ride down to the beach then please show some respect for locals. I’d be fined if I fired up my lawn mower at 6am, so I'm just

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asking for some consideration and empathy to those who enjoy a sleep in on the weekend. Paul Maroubra STILL MORE CAR PARK BLUES Dear Editor - They say the election of Donald Trump shows we are living in a ‘post-truth’ world. That certainly rings true when reading Mr. Worssam’s regular letters to The Beast opposing the proposed Bondi Beach underground car park. Mr. Worssam says community opinion is against it (The Beast, Letters, February 2017). However, as always, he provides nothing to back up his claim. Well he is wrong! At the bottom of this letter I have copied and pasted verbatim the results of the last round of community consultation on this. It shows the ratio of people who support the proposal, versus those opposed, is approximately three to one. Mr. Worssam should remind us where he gets his claim of “overwhelming community opposition” from? Where is the proof ? Or is this an ‘alternative fact’? At least I have provided backing for my claim (below), unlike Mr. Worssam. In a bid to push back against public opinion, the Facebook site ‘No Underground Car Park for Bondi Beach’ was created in 2014. The Facebook site made an attempt to skew and ‘game’ the last community survey. The information pumped out of this site would make a Donald Trump spin doctor blush with its mix of ‘fake news’ and ‘alternative facts’. It contains the sort of unchallenged, unverified nonsense that sadly is becoming all too prevalent on Facebook feeds. Mr. Worssam claims that locals are tuning out of the debate. Well for the last three years it is he who has been running around to various Sydney media outlets pushing his views and ‘facts’ on the proposal. For reasons known only to himself, Mr. Worssam believes he is the ‘voice of the community’ on this subject. No one can stop Mr. Worssam continuing to push his cause. Of all the noble causes one can adopt, e.g. helping the poor, his adopted cause seeks to deny the community an increase in green public space, even though the trend worldwide is to create more green space. That’s a real shame. However, if ‘alternative facts’

20 The Beast | April 2017

are put forward in this cause, Mr. Worssam must be prepared for fact checking! Below is the extract from Waverley Council’s (August 2014) fact sheet summarising the last community survey on this subject: “In the first round of consultation on the Plan of Management in October and November 2012 people told us that the Queen Elizabeth Drive Car Park was an eyesore and needed to be safer for pedestrians. There was also a call for more green space and shade. In collaboration with independent design experts, Council established that replacing the Queen Elizabeth Drive and Park Drive car parks with an underground car park could address this feedback. “The proposal was incorporated into draft concepts and directions. In the latest round of consultation, 60 per cent of 900 respondents (540 people) said they supported the idea, with only 22 per cent in opposition (198 people). The remaining 18 per cent of people were neutral or did not indicate an opinion. As a result, this proposal has been included in the draft Plan of Management.” Alan Doyle Bellevue Hill PENALTY RATE PAIN Recently Vaucluse’s ‘gold-plated hypocrite’ and his henchmen oversaw the slashing of weekend pay rates by up to $6,000 per year for more than 700,000 ordinary working people at the lower end of Australia’s pay scale. Meanwhile, the man from ‘struggle street’ and his entourage claim to represent ordinary Australians. For about 20 years I have been talking to shop and restaurant owners on Coogee Bay Road and what they are telling me is that wages and weekend rates are not the problem. In fact, labour issues are not a problem at all apart from the occasional uniform shirt that goes missing in a backpacker’s backpack on the way to Queensland. What shop and restaurant owners are concerned about are rents for their restaurants and shops. Restaurateurs have to fork up sky-high rents for their shops and restaurants on Coogee Bay Road. Above that, I hardly ever see restaurants and shops on Coogee Bay Road closed on weekends. This is despite the high wages they are supposed to pay as claimed by the employers.

Beyond that, the decision to cut wages at the lower end is exactly the kind of decision that makes the rich richer and the poor poorer. It also creates inequality recently lamented even by the staunchly neo-liberal IMF and by the corporate bosses at Davos when made aware that “eight billionaires own as much wealth as half of the world's population, or 3.6 billion people, combined” (www., January 16, 2017). Decisions to reduce wages do not make the world a better place. Instead, they are based on the economic hallucination of neoliberal ideologues that lowering wages increases employment. The very opposite is the case. High wage economies tend to have near full employment (e.g. Norway, Switzerland, etc.). Meanwhile, low wage economies suffer not only from inequality, poverty, and crime, but also from high unemployment (e.g. Guatemala, Romania, etc.). Slashing penalty rates is a way of moving Australia away from countries like Norway and Switzerland and more toward Guatemala and Romania. Thanks, but no thanks. Thomas Klikauer Coogee

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THUMBS UP 2-FOR-1 BURGERS We don’t usually use this section to promote our advertisers’ deals, but 2-for-1 burgers at Bondi Tony’s (weekdays, 4-6pm) is truly something to celebrate. THE MIGHTY RATPACK One of history’s greatest sporting fairy tales played out in early March when the Ratpack won the Easts Touch Division 1 premiership. SWELL TIMES The weather may be cooling down, but the action in the ocean is heating up. It was a super flat summer, but autumn has started with a bang. RUGBY LEAGUE WEEK A footballing bible to many, this once great magazine recently announced that it will be printed no longer. F**k you, Internet!

THUMBS DOWN FEMALE TRAFFIC LIGHTS We’re all for gender equity, but the push for 'female' traffic light signals in Melbourne is downright moronic and a complete waste of money. DAYLIGHT SAVING’S END We’re definitely not looking forward to the next six months of miserable weather and travelling to and from work in the dark. WATER POLLUTION To the clown who pumped untreated sediment-laden water directly into the Coogee stormwater system, we hope you enjoy your $8,520 fine. Should have been more. EASTER EGGS It’s a fine line between thumbs up and thumbs down for these elliptical blobs of chocolaty goodness, but this year our waistlines say down. 22 The Beast | April 2017

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April 2017 | The Beast 23

Parking rangers can shapeshift.

SPIDER INFLUX NO BIG DEAL Words Madeleine Gray Picture Peter Everitt


n recent weeks, a hysterical, Crucible-esque spider-mania seems to have overtaken the Eastern Suburbs, particularly Bondi. Facebook groups have been awash with locals’ complaints about spider invasions and reports of spider bites, and Eastern Suburbs bug control services have confirmed that they’ve experienced a sharp rise in customers wanting spider extermination. While an influx of spiders is never a pleasant experience, it’s almost never as harrowing as our neuroses imagine. Though some species of spiders are indeed dangerous, most are completely harmless. To get to the bottom of the spider surge, The Beast had 24 The Beast | April 2017

a chat with spider expert Dr. Lizzy Lowe. Dr. Lowe’s doctoral thesis investigated the effect of novel, urban habitats on spider behaviour, so it’s fair to say she knows what she’s talking about. When we presented Dr. Lowe with photographs of spiders uploaded by Bondi residents to the Facebook group Bondi Local Loop, she identified all of the spiders bar one (a redback) as virtually non-toxic to humans. “There are only two spiders that are really going to do you any harm: redbacks and funnel webs,” Dr. Lowe said. “All other spiders are next to harmless to humans, and are actually beneficial because they eat all of the flies and cockroaches.

“The ones that people most often see are orb weaving spiders and huntsmen. Neither will do you any harm. Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to leave them be.” Dr. Lowe went on to say that while redbacks and funnel webs are dangerous, an encounter is easily avoidable. “Redbacks are notorious for building their webs in dark places like sheds and under pot plants, so wear gloves when doing the gardening,” Dr. Lowe advised. “Funnel webs live underground and are most often seen out looking for somewhere dry after it has rained. This is why people find them in their shoes. So just be careful during these times.” While the Prince of Wales Hospital told The Beast that it has not experienced a noticeable increase in spider bite patients, it is uncontestable that there are more spiders out and about than usual. “Spiders hatch out during the spring and summer, so by this time of year they are getting big enough to notice,” Dr. Lowe said. “They are also out actively looking for mates. “Further, when we have warm but rainy days lots of the spiders will move inside to avoid the wet. “The best way to prevent the spiders coming in is by blocking up the spaces under your doors and windows. “If you really feel like you have to get rid of the spiders, use a company like Systems Pest Management that understands the ecological importance of spider biodiversity.” If an unknown spider does bite you, take a photo of the perpetrator if possible, and get to your nearest hospital emergency department. That way the doctors will be able to tell straight away which antivenom you need, if any. And if you’re still concerned about a resident spider, Dr. Lowe has kindly offered to help you out. “Send me a photo on Twitter - @LizyLowe - and I’ll tell you which species it is and let you know how to deal with it.”




I prefer to catch and release them if I can, but there are a lot of times when I spray them. I feel intimidated by spiders. I wish I could catch more and set them free, but I do find them quite terrifying.

I guess depending on the size and what they look like, I would try to catch and release. If worst comes to worst I would probably squash it if it looks quite threatening.



I prefer to catch them, because we have a balcony and we can just put them back in the garden. I guess if they’re harder to reach or they look really scary, as my girlfriend would say, then we might have to squash them.

I prefer to catch and release. I have a garden so I pop them into that. If they’re huge I’ll keep an eye on them but they usually disappear - just as long as they don’t get into my wardrobe with the clothes!


I suppose I prefer to catch and release them because I feel really bad about killing them. I come from the country originally so I guess I am used to spiders.


I prefer to catch and release spiders, because mostly it’s huntsmen that come into my home and they’re pretty harmless. I try and catch them to put them outside. April 2017 | The Beast 25

Environmental terrorism.

COOGEE BEACH WATER QUALITY: A STORM IN A TEACUP? Words Madeleine Gray Picture Randwick City Council


n October last year, the NSW State Government released the 2015–2016 State of the Beaches report. Satisfyingly, 97 per cent of the 140 monitored beach swimming locations in NSW were graded as ‘Very Good’ or ‘Good’. However, amongst the usual swathe of statistics about enterococci levels and lagoon swimming sites, one finding left Eastern Beaches dwellers reasonably concerned: Coogee Beach had been downgraded from ‘Good’ to ‘Poor’. Naturally, this rating has been met with anxiety, and while the ‘Poor’ rating is certainly an indication that things need to be improved, the explanation behind it makes it clear that the situation is not as dire as it first seems. “While Coogee Beach generally had good water quality during dry weather, elevated bacteria levels were regularly measured following low levels of rainfall,” the report states. “Water quality was impacted by stormwater associated with frequent rainfall events during the assessment period, including the wettest January for Sydney since 1988. “The impact of these events was enough to just breach the thresh26 The Beast | April 2017

old from ‘Good’ to ‘Poor’, however did not significantly increase the risk to public health from the previous year.” This is certainly heartening. However, the position of the stormwater outlet at the northern end of the beach is definitely less than perfect, and it leaves open the possibility of wastewater overflow – particularly if a careless and/ or lazy tradesperson in the area decides to pump site water into the stormwater system. In early February this year, many beachgoers reported seeing white and brown sediment-laden water washing into the beach from the stormwater pipe. For approximately one month, the source of that contamination was unknown. Randwick Council has now confirmed that the cause of the pollution was an unnamed builder “who pumped untreated sedimentladen water directly into the stormwater system via the rear lane of a building on Mount Street.” The builder has been hit with an $8,520 fine by the council, and denounced by Mayor D’Souza as an “environmental vandal”. While this discovery explains the cause of Coogee’s early Febru-

ary pollution, it does not negate the elevated bacteria levels that occur in the event of high rainfall, as outlined in the State of the Beaches report. As such, on February 28 Randwick Council resolved, among other strategies, to “commence discussions with Sydney Water to resolve concerns about water pollution at Coogee Beach” and to “assess extending the stormwater pipe’s discharge point further off the beach by diverting the pipe through the adjacent northern headland”. The latter strategy was investigated and then deemed “not viable” in 2014 due to the associated expense of the project, so its fate this time around will likely rest on whether funding can be raised. Tellingly, Bondi Beach has retained its ‘Good’ grade. This is most likely the result of the Bondi Stormwater Reuse program, which captures and removes pollutants from 48 million litres of stormwater annually. Bondi has also benefitted greatly from the long ocean outfall from the North Bondi Sewage Treatment Plant, which was introduced by Sydney Water some 25 years ago.

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An Anzac soldier carries a wounded comrade near North Beach in 1915.



hile war is not something to be celebrated, it is something that continues to take place across every country and time. This being the case, there must be soldiers to fight wars. These soldiers are people, and they are brave. On Anzac Day, we do not honour and glorify the bloodshed of WWI itself, but the brave folk who transcended ego at Gallipoli to fight for their country, and for a cause that they believed greater than their own. We honour all the men and women who have followed in their footsteps, serving and dying in the hope that it might achieve a better world. The Dawn Service is a tradition that pays tribute to the quiet, peaceful moments before dawn in battle – the silence that unites soldiers in reverie and mateship before the fighting begins and the death toll rises. While the first official Dawn Service was held at the Cenotaph in Martin Place – and a Dawn Service continues to be held there annually – Dawn Services have 28 The Beast | April 2017

now emerged in country towns and suburban parks all around the country. The Eastern Suburbs plays host to a number of these events. North Bondi RSL Club hosts the largest Dawn Service in the local area, last year gathering over 10,000 serving and ex-soldiers, community members, and regional dignitaries. This year the service, which takes place at North Bondi War Memorial overlooking the sea, will begin at 6am in darkness, with the sun set to rise at 6:25am. People in attendance will hear speeches by those who have fought and those who have lost, and meditate on the extreme fortune we have received due to the sacrifices of those who have come, and fought, before us. Afterwards, some two-up at the RSL is a must. It’s what the soldiers would have wanted. Randwick Council will again be hosting the Coogee Beach Dawn Service at Goldstein Reserve. “We are proud to gather in pre-dawn darkness to honour the service and sacrifice of our original Anzacs, and the generations of

servicemen and women who have defended our values and freedoms,” a Council spokesperson said. The service starts at 5am, and Coogee Pavilion will be open from 5:30am, serving breakfast and coffee, as will a handful of cafes on Coogee Bay Road. Waverley Council will be holding a later service at the Waverley Cenotaph at Waverley Park for those who can’t quite stomach the 6am start. This event will commence at 7:45am, and Council asks that attendees arrive by 7:30am. While it is a smaller affair than the North Bondi and Coogee services, usually attracting up to 200 people, this service has its own quiet dignity, with the bugle playing the Last Post up into the misty air above the park. Not to be left out, Maroubra RSL sub-branch will also be hosting a Dawn Service. Attendees will meet at the Cenotaph opposite Juniors at the Junction on Anzac Parade, with the ceremony set to begin at 4:30am.


BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Sebastian Elmaloglou Instagram @intepic ROOSTERS READY TO SLAY DRAGONS This April it’s time to get the whole family together for a day at the footy, as the NRL Telstra Premiership is now in full swing and our Roosters need your support. After all, it’s the crowd that makes the difference! The biggest home game this month is on April 25 at Allianz Stadium, when the Roosters take on the Dragons. If there’s anything we’ve learnt from Fawkes and the Basilisk, it’s that a small bird can still do serious damage to a big mythical monster. Let’s go, Roosters! For info, visit LA PEROUSE GETS ROYAL HONOUR Randwick Mayor Noel D’Souza has encouraged local residents to get involved in the Queen’s Baton Relay, which will journey to La Perouse in the lead up to the Gold Coast 2018 Commonwealth Games. Local legends are being called on to carry the Queen’s Baton from Little Bay Beach to La Perouse on Sunday, February 4, 2018 as it journeys towards its final

Dog days.

destination, the Gold Coast 2018 Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony on April 4, 2018. Make like Cathy Freeman and hop to it, mate. Nominate at qbr by May 15. WAY(S) TO GO, RUSSELL! We at The Beast could not be happier for WAYS Youth & Family CEO Russell King, who has been presented with the Premier's Community Services Award. This award recognises his outstanding contribution to the community over the past 27 years. Russell’s work with at risk kids, and kids who are just doing it tough, is truly inspiring, and we are very lucky to have Russell in our community. Thank you, Russell! ECODOWNUNDER ENVIRONMENT AWARD Do you know someone who does something for the environment? We see people doing amazing things, often small, but they matter and make a difference. Every month, Ecodownunder would like to recognise and thank someone with a $500 gift voucher

to spend in one of their stores. Previous winners include three young siblings who spent their busking money on Sea Shepherd t-shirts to help save whales and dolphins. If you know someone who deserves thanks, explain what they do to make a difference to the environment in a brief email to COOGEE ALCOHOL BAN UP IN THE AIR Randwick Mayor Noel D’Souza has announced that the temporary alcohol ban at Coogee beachside parks is remaining in place until Council can consider the issue. A ban was put in place for the summer following an out-ofcontrol Christmas Day backpacker party. Randwick councillors debated the matter at a council meeting on February 28, and a majority resolved to make the ban permanent. However, a rescission motion lodged by three councillors has now suspended the decision and put it back up for debate at the next council meeting on March 28. Sounds like they could all use a drink.



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April 2017 | The Beast 31

Look at the camera please.



n the spring of 1985, the Museum of Modern Art in New York held an exhibition entitled, ‘An International Survey of Recent Painting and Sculpture’. There were 165 artists exhibited in this show. Just 13 of them were women. In the decades between then and now, massive strides towards gender parity have been made. The art world, however, generally remains a cultural institution imbued with the patriarchal ideology of yore. Even our beloved Art Gallery of NSW reveals its bias with a simple ‘sort by gender’ of its online gallery collection: it is comprised of 4236 works by women, compared to 22974 works by men. In 2015, obviously perturbed by this structural inequality, a group of young, Sydney-based female artists and creatives got together and formed The Ladies 32 The Beast | April 2017

Network (TLN). These wonderful women provide a multi-platform agency for female identifying and gender-fluid creatives to exhibit their work. “On the whole, women’s art still sells for a fraction of the price of the work of their male counterparts,” TLN editor-in-chief Arabella Peterson explained. “This suggests that they’re not considered a valuable investment.” In the past fifty years, reclamation of traditionally ‘female’ art practices and craft traditions has driven much female-produced art – think Judy Chicago’s ‘Dinner Party’ and feminist patchworks. While reclaiming the domestic is important and powerful, female representation of the natural landscape is similarly radical. Men have traditionally represented landscapes, the outside world being ‘their’ domain.

Bronte Leighton-Dore (@bronteleightondore) and Helen Proctor (@helen_proctor) are two artists working with the TLN, and their captivating paintings are turning any presumption of gendered subject matter on its head. And, excitingly for us, they are both inspired by Sydney’s glorious Eastern Beaches. Ms. Leighton-Dore is a 22-year-old painter whose colourful, brushstroke-centric depictions of beach and bush are, to put it simply, magical. “I definitely feel powerful when I paint,” she said. “However, I think [the paintings themselves] are celebrations of nature, colour and space.” One of Ms. Leighton-Dore’s works is an arrestingly simple painting of Coogee Beach. “I had been feeling overwhelmed and caught the bus to Coogee,”she said. “As soon as I started painting I had people coming up to me, talking with me, asking questions. I felt so recharged. “Coogee that day was offering not only the beauty of the natural landscape, but also the beauty of the community that had formed as a result.” Ms. Proctor is similarly inspired by painting in public places – up until recently she mostly practiced street art under the alter ego ‘syke’. She has now transitioned to more studio-based works, but nature continues to inspire her. “I don’t know what I would do without a salty cleanse every once in a while,” she said. “Over the last 10 years I feel like I have explored every little swim spot of the Eastern Suburbs.” Ms. Proctor’s upcoming exhibition, at Goodspace Gallery in Chippendale on April 19, “will be based around Sydney's beaches and rock pools as a little tribute to the summer that has just passed.” Her work involves a lot of sharp lines and angles, “but I realised the other day that my style may actually be influenced by my love of cross stitch; I have been collecting from op shops for years.” Now there’s a gender fluid synergy.

Tragic; Nepalese students Shristi Bhandari, 23, and Sudeep Uprety, 26, both drowned at Maroubra Beach in February.



rowing up by the beach, we learn from a young age that the ocean is to be both respected and feared. However, for those whose formative years have not been spent getting salty at the Bogey Hole, the beach is a much more unfamiliar entity – and things that seem obvious to us (dive under massive waves, don’t swim at night, etc.) cannot be assumed knowledge. Further, for holidaymakers who either do not speak English or speak English as a second language, there is the risk that safety signs specifying conditions particular to each beach will go unnoticed. Devastatingly, Maroubra Beach has, in recent months, experienced the worst possible outcome of these dangers. Since December 2016, three individuals have drowned at Maroubra Beach. Fourteen-year-old AussieTongan Tuipulotu ‘Tui’ Gallaher drowned after going for a nighttime swim with his cousin at the southern end of the beach. Tui lived with his family in Guildford, in Sydney’s west, and was on a day trip to the beach. Similarly,

34 The Beast | April 2017

friends Sudeep Uprety, 26, and Shristi Bhandari, 23, drowned after partaking in an evening swim at the beach. Ms. Bhandari was an international student from Nepal who had arrived in Sydney only two weeks prior, and Mr. Uprety was also a Nepalese national. Club Captain of the Maroubra SLSC, Gilbert Olzomer, said that the most pertinent connection between these fatalities is the time of day at which they occurred. “It is important to note that all these drownings occurred in the late evening, in dangerous surf conditions, and in low light at a time when the services of lifeguards are no longer provided,” Mr. Olzomer said. “The safe areas to swim are not obvious to inexperienced swimmers at this time of day and hence swimmers can find themselves in great difficulty very quickly with no lifesaving services on hand to assist. “We strongly recommend that swimmers do not swim at unpatrolled beaches or after the flags have come down.” Asked whether Maroubra Beach itself is a particularly dangerous swimming spot, Mr Olzomer

confirmed that to inexperienced swimmers it certainly can be. “Maroubra Beach is at times very dangerous as it lies unprotected and exposed to swell from the north east, east and south east,” he said. “The beach will often have a double sand bank, which means that waves will break a long way out, then reform in deeper water before breaking again very close to the shore. “The danger is that swimmers can be caught unaware in deep water close to the shore, which is often the beginning of the rip.” The Maroubra SLSC provides free presentations to schools and international tour groups on beach safety. These talks can be arranged by emailing maroubra@bigpond. The club is also making an educational video in conjunction with the Nepalese Student Association of Australia in which beach safety resources will be promoted to international students. We can only hope that these recent fatalities remind beachgoers that while they might be strong, the ocean is stronger. Always swim between the flags.

Waste matters Drop off your household problem waste for recycling

You can drop off:


Gas bottles and fire extinguishers

Fluoro globes and tubes

Household and car batteries

Motor and other oils

Mobile phones and ink cartridges

Smoke detectors

Computers and televisions

Your Community Recycling Centre is located at: 72 Perry Street, Matraville Hours: Monday to Friday: 6am – 3pm; Saturday: 8 –11am For more information call 1300 722 542 or visit Only household quantities accepted. This project is a NSW EPA Waste Less, Recycle More initiative funded from the waste levy. Visit

MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Bruno Mota Instagram @heycassitravel CENTENNIAL PARK EASTER EGG HUNT If you can’t be bothered to hide Easter eggs all throughout your house only to forget where you put them and them find them all melted and gross months later, perhaps you and your family should consider attending Centennial Park’s Great CP Egg Hunt on Saturday, April 15 and Sunday, April 16 of the Easter long weekend. Kids will follow a special trail and overcome obstacles to claim their prize from a furry Easter friend (three guesses who). For more details, please visit SWANS TAKE FLIGHT Of the sports most likely to have something for everyone, AFL reigns supreme. It’s got skill, strength and fierce competition for people who actually like sport, and then it has hot, muscly blokes in short shorts for everyone else. The Swans are exemplary in both these regards, and this month they’ll be playing home games at the SCG on both April 7 and 22, against Collingwood and the GWS

Holy water.

Giants, respectively. Show your support, rock up, cheer loud. Visit EXERCISE YOUR AGENCY WITH MARY HOWELL Looking to sell your place with someone you trust? Mary Howell is combining her 25 years industry experience and excellence with the newest dynamic brand in real estate, The Agency. Mary has an unrivalled reputation and work ethic that are defined by her ability to understand and in turn deliver exceptional results for her clients. For amazing results and a warm approach, contact Mary Howell today to find out how listing your home with her at The Agency is the right choice in 2017. Please visit RALLY FOR REFUGEES Palm Sunday commemorates Jesus’s triumphal entry into Jerusalem in the days before his crucifixion. A week later, those who saw his beatific power as a threat to their leadership killed him. It makes sense, then, that it

is on Palm Sunday (April 9) this year that the Rally for Refugees will be held in Hyde Park: the story of good people being persecuted because of people with more power feeling threatened is as old as time. Protest the inhumane treatment of Australia’s and the world’s refugees, because they can’t. The rally starts at 2pm, opposite David Jones. RANDWICK COUNCIL PLANS A WINNER Congratulations to Randwick Council, whose urban design competition to develop ideas for the future of the Kensington and Kingsford town centres on Anzac Parade has picked up a major award at the Greater Sydney Planning Awards. The K2K Urban Design Competition won the ‘Great Plan’ category. Judges said Council took new approaches to consultation by directly involving local residents in developing the competition brief and generating a new conversation about the future of the precinct within a framework of robust planning and community involvement. Sounds good to us.

April 2017 | The Beast 37

The mighty Ratpack.



n terms of sporting fairy tales, few are as fantastical as the one that played out on a damp Queens Park number one field late in the morning of the first Sunday of March. The Ratpack, now a motley crew of former first graders, up-andcoming rugby league stars and a hell of a lot of park footy punters with aspirations far greater than their ability, first came to fruition in the Eastern Suburbs Touch Football Association’s summer competition in the mid-2000s. Back then, former first graders and up-and-comers certainly weren’t part of the mix. Rooted somewhere down around Division 16, the Ratpack was a ragtag bunch of school friends, ring-ins and anyone else who was keen to pull on the boots and make up the numbers. Needless to say, the results weren’t tremendous. Some clever tactical recruitment, courtesy of one of the ring-in’s friendship with former Queensland State of Origin halfback Adrian Lam, provided the change of fortunes the Ratpack desperately needed to begin a meteoric rise through the grades

38 The Beast | April 2017

that not even those who dared to dream could’ve imagined. Premierships in divisions 12, 9, 7, 5, 4, 3 and 2 soon followed, and before they knew it the Ratpack was fighting it out with the big boys in Division 1. Lam stuck strong with the team throughout, along with the likes of ‘Jibber’ Shears, the Kery brothers and captain courageous Steve Hirst, as other great names like Ari Anderson, James Hutton, Andrew Lemon, Rafe Petkovic, Ryan Thompson and Joe Hughes succumbed to age, injury and the lure of the referee’s high-vis t-shirt and whistle. Children of players grew into more-than-competent young men on the field and the Ratpack became a battle-hardened juggernaut that was always hard to stop at the business end of the season. In 2016, the Ratpack qualified for their first Division 1 grand final against an old nemesis, the Grasscutters, a team that had defeated them in the 2015 Division 2 grand final in extra time. A one-try lead to the Ratpack would be erased on the final play in regular time, and a

crucial lost toss before the extra time drop-off led to a devastating defeat. The 2016/17 season was marred by wash-outs and forfeits, but somehow the Ratpack finished on top of the table. Old foes the Grasscutters were unceremoniously disposed of in the semi-finals, setting up a date with destiny against the Flamingos in the big dance. The Ratpack started strongly and raced out to a three try lead against an undermanned Flamingos outfit with a bench emptier than a Chernobyl nightclub. By half time the lead had been cut to one try and just moments into the second half scores were level at 4-all. But the Ratpack was not going to let this one slip through their fingers, crossing for five second half tries to race out to a 9-7 lead and secure the Peter (Ted) Boulton Memorial Trophy, a victory some 12 years in the making. At this point I should mention what a great job John Ryan and his fellow organisers do with the Eastern Suburbs Touch Football Association. Without this competition, fairy tales like the one above would not be possible.

It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago we were all sweltering under one of the hottest summers on record. How things change! I hope you’re now enjoying the cooler weather. This month, Council will again host an Anzac Dawn Service at Coogee Beach at 5am on 25 April. If you haven’t been to this moving event before it’s well worth attending to watch the sun rise and pay your respects to those who have made the greatest sacrifice. Lest we forget. I was very pleased to learn that La Perouse will play host to the Queen’s Baton Relay on 4 February 2018 in the lead up to the 2018 Commonwealth Games on the Gold Coast. La Perouse has been chosen as one of four celebration sites in Sydney. Volunteers will carry the Baton from Little Bay Beach along Anzac Parade and to La Perouse where Council will host a community celebration. This is a great opportunity to celebrate our area’s rich Indigenous history and our significant French and Colonial history. A community nomination program is now open offering local residents that chance to carry the Baton. I encourage you to nominate a local legend who you think deserves to be a Batonbearer. Nominations can be made online at and close on 15 May 2017. If you’re travelling over the Easter period please stay safe and take your time on the roads. I hope you can take some time to enjoy the break with family and friends. Councillor Noel D’Souza

Mayor of Randwick 4 April Minecraft Club 4:00-5:30pm Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra Junction

15 April Bike Maintenance Workshop 1:30-4:30pm Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda Street, Randwick

10-13 April Vacation Care - Des Renford Leisure Centre 7:30am-6:30pm Corner Robey Street & Jersey Road, Maroubra

18-21 April Vacation Care - Des Renford Leisure Centre 7:30am-6:00pm Corner Robey Street & Jersey Road, Maroubra

14 April Volunteers in The Permaculture Garden 9:30am-12:30pm Randwick Community Centre, 27 Munda Street, Randwick

25 April Anzac Day 5:00am Goldstein Reserve, Coogee


Children are evil.



icious and filthy children are set to be excluded from every park and beach in the Eastern Suburbs in a concerted attempt to protect the district’s dogs. Children under the age of 18 will not be permitted to enter any public recreation area following their owners’ flagrant and ongoing disregard for the law and the arrogant behaviour towards dogs and their parents. Under the plan, children will be barred from areas such as the local councils’ beaches, rock pools, playgrounds, food preparation areas and bushland, as well as the playing surfaces of sports fields. “Pestilent children are ruining our public spaces,” declared a blunt and lengthy joint statement from the relevant councils. “They have taken advantage of the councils’ conciliatory approach to park management in the past and their disgraceful behaviour has adversely impacted upon the recreational experience of fellow users.

40 The Beast | April 2017

“Even the establishment of designated ‘child parks’ has not stopped owners from allowing their children to stray into public spaces. This has forced the councils to act in such a decisive manner.” Dog lobby groups argue that too many owners of children have consistently and repeatedly failed to maintain effective control of their children, failed to ensure their children are de-sexed in order to stop unwanted breeding and behavioural problems, and have even let their children swim at the beach or in other public bathing areas. “Put simply, child owners are ignoring the directive to be courteous to other people and remember that public space is there for everybody,” the lobby groups claim. A council spokesperson conceded that while most child owners are vigilant in collecting droppings and putting them in the bin, they are very unlikely to collect wet, fragmented droppings from the bottom of a rock pool at the beach. “Children are children,” the

spokesperson said. “They follow their instincts, are known to relieve themselves in public, and the sheer quantity of children accessing our public spaces in recent years has forced the council to implement a policy that will maintain appropriate health and hygiene standards for all members of our community.” Parents have complained of children spreading diseases to dogs, through chasing after and picking up dogs’ tennis balls, or even launching unprovoked amorous attacks on poor little German Shepherds. Dog parents are pleased with the new law, and the uncompromising stance of council staff. “Be warned,” the council spokesperson added. “Council rangers will act with customary swiftness and expediency. No warnings. No second chances. On the spot fines will be issued and enforced. “Even painting over a ‘No Children’ sign will not stop rangers from removing children or their owners from northern Clovelly Beach.”

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE International Women’s Day I was proud to celebrate International Women’s Day on 8 March. At Waverley Council we are proud of the commitment we make towards supporting and promoting women in the workplace. Currently we have six female Councillors, two female Directors, a female acting General Manager, and of course, a female Mayor! It is a day to celebrate the economic, political and social achievements of women but also to reflect on what still needs to be done to lift women and girls out of poverty, ensure their safety and provide them with the opportunities they deserve. In 2017 we are asked to #BeBoldForChange, which I believe is a great message to adopt both personally and as an organisation.

Affordable Housing Luncheon On Friday I opened our Affordable Housing Luncheon, a joint Waverley Council and Cities Leadership Institute initiative. Waverley Councillors Tony Kay, Angela Burrill, Leon Goltsman and Joy Clayton were also in attendance to hear our guest speaker, Rick Peiser lead the discussion on innovative ways to deliver affordable housing. Rick also sat on our panel with Elia Leis from Stargate Property Group; John Nicolades from Bridge Housing; and Alan Bright, from Randwick City Council to discuss not only what State and Federal Government can do but how Local Government can positively influence the issue. At Waverley, we have a long history delivering affordable housing to our residents and we are one of the NSW councils leading the way. I was also pleased to be part of a Public Talk Panel discussion by Sydney Ideas on Affordable Housing on Thursday evening, with Prof Rick Peiser, Dr. Kate Harington from Department of Planning, and Robert Furolo who is a director of Strategic Hosing Solutions.

Sally Betts, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB

Events Home Grown 16 March–6 April Bondi Pavilion Home Grown is a series of intimate musical performances that celebrate the wealth of singer-songwriter talent in our local community. Presented in conjunction with Bondi Beach Radio’s Local Vocal program, each week two artists will perform acoustically at one of Sydney’s best located bars on the first floor of Bondi Pavilion. Events are free. For dates and details visit

Autumn School Holiday Program 10–21 April Autumn school holidays are almost here! If you’re looking for ways to keep your kids active and entertained these school holidays Waverley Council has dozens of free and affordable activities to choose from. From sports and computing to costume design and jewellery making, there’s something for everyone! To see all our classes and to book, visit For more event info visit our website

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CRIMES OF THE HEART The theatre at Bondi Pav has, devastatingly, vacated, so we must find a place to mend our hearts. The Old Fitz in Woolloomooloo is a little further than we usually travel, but it is home to a theatre, a pub, and until April 8, a wonderful classic. Visit

ART CLASSES WITH LILY OEN Do you ever find yourself promising to dedicate some ‘me time’ to yourself, but never actually getting around to it? That’s not good enough! Sign up to Lily Oen’s art class today at 10:30am at Bowen Library, and lose yourself to the serenity. Call 9314 4888.

GUY SEBASTIAN AT THE OAF Tonight from 8pm at the Oxford Art Factory you can make all of your Australian Idol revenge fantasies come true. Wear your best Shannon Noll mask and rock away to Guy’s latest hits. If you think Guy was the rightful winner, good luck to you. Tickets at

COMEDY AT THE CBH What's better than going to an event where you know you're guaranteed to laugh and be happy, instead of standing in a corner, intermittently talking to people you don’t know or like? Head to the Coogee Bay tonight at 8:30pm for comedy and $5 Young Henry schooners.

LEAGUE OF LEGENDS Are you a League of Legends fan with a taste for glory? Take over Margaret Martin Library after dark with your mad skills in League of Legends. You will need an account level of 20 or higher to register for this event for ages 15 to 25 tonight from 5:45 – 8pm.

TAKE A PHOTO, CHANGE THE WORLD Atong Atem is cool, and not just in an ‘I love your top’ way. She’s cool like caring is cool. She’s a photographer who draws from her South Sudanese heritage to create photos that explore the notion of blackness. Her exhibition at Customs House runs until May 28.

ARTEXPRESS AT AGNSW Every year, the thought-provoking, passionate, highly-skilled artworks presented at ARTEXPRESS are testament to the incredible talent of NSW’s Year 12 HSC art students. Head over to the AGNSW today to soak in the art, then go for a picnic in the park across the road.

WRITING FOR PLEASURE CLASS It can be really hard to find the time to pick up the pen and start writing, and when you do find it, inspiration is such a fickle friend! Get along to Margaret Martin Library today from 1:30-3:30pm to get the juices flowing. It’s free, but bookings are essential. Call 9093 6400.

HELEN PROCTOR AT GOODPSACE Helen is an awesome Sydney-based artist whose latest exhibition is inspired by the rockcpools and beaches around Sydney (including Tama and Bronte). Tonight, for one night only, you can catch her whimsical works at Goodpsace Gallery in Chippendale from 6–9pm.

ANZAC KIDS CHALLENGE Anzac Day is about more than getting blind. Let your kids learn the true meaning of mateship, solidarity and teamwork today by signing them up to this obstacle course led by park rangers. For kids aged 6–12, from 10am–midday. Head to

ANZAC DAY When the powers of Europe mobilised for WWI, Australian troops enthusiastically answered the call. The anniversary of the Gallipoli landing has become a national day of commemoration. Get to a dawn service this morning and pay tribute to friendship and bravery.

MOORE PARK PRODUCE MARKET This Wednesday afternoon, make the lunch hour dash to the Entertainment Quarter in Moore Park for the weekly Wednesday produce market. Pick up delicious, fresh produce, banter with hot bakers, and get yourself a scrumptious cannoli. Why not? It runs until 2pm.

HOME GROWN AT BONDI PAV Get down and listen to the world music troubadour Ari Levy and the unique blend of past, present and future that is Max Gencher for a night of soulful reggae, word smithin' and guitar slingin' from these two incredible artists. It’s on tonight at the Pav from 6–9pm and it’s free!

SENIORS ARTS DISCUSSION GROUP Some of the best conversations are born from discussion about the arts. From debates over film adaptations to controversial novels, the arts give us thought fodder. Today at Waverley Library from 11am-12pm, seniors get together to discuss the stuff of life, in stories. Join them!

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Carpenter Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Builder/Electrician Matthew Olive Sydney Power House 8007 4229



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APRIL FOOL’S DAY Want a fun April Fool’s joke? Tell everyone at your office about how at least one woman a week is killed by a partner or an ex-partner in Australia! Wait, not that funny? Volunteer at or and make a change.

TURN YOUR CLOCKS BACK Got carried away with life and forgot the time? At 3am today, you need to turn your clock back one hour. Daylight Saving is over, as are fancy-free mornings filled with dappled sunlight and non-dark drives to work. Hold on, buddy! Only six more months to go!

HIT IF OFF WITH PING PONG Fancy yourself a bit of a ping pong legend? Got a way with the old bat and ball? Why not get along to Bowen Library today from 1-3pm for the weekly ‘Table Tennis for Fun’ session? You have a duty to your talent to make it work. Good luck! Visit

THE CHAMPIONSHIPS DAY 2 Day 2 of The Championships, better known as Longines Queen Elizabeth Stakes Day, is on at Royal Randwick today. Suit up and sink a few tins while blowing your hard earned on some nags you know next to nothing about. Visit

GORDON’S BAY BUSHCARE Gordon's Bay is Randwick Council's longest running Bushcare group. They have transformed a weed-infested area into a coastal heath reserve with epic views. Join them this morning from 9am1pm. Call the Bushcare office on 9399 0708 for more details.

GOOD FRIDAY Shun the red meat in favour of fish, enjoy the day off work and get ready for a weekend of sickly sweet chocolate indulgence. Christianity has rarely had more perks than it does today, unless you’re Jesus, of course, who spent the day nailed to a wooden cross.

THE GREAT CP EGG HUNT The Easter Bunny and Bilby are returning to Centennial Parklands for Sydney's biggest egg hunt this Easter. It takes about 30-45 minutes to complete the self-led expedition. It’s on today and tomorrow and tickets will sell out. Visit

EASTER SUNDAY Whether you believe in God or the Easter bunny (two marvellous mythical creatures of folklore), today is an important day, not least of all because it is followed by a public holiday when people who own coast houses can rent them out at ridiculously high rates.

FOOD ADDICTS ANONYMOUS Are you having a hard time controlling the way you eat? Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meetings are held every Friday at 10am at the Salvation Army Hall, Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more info, call Maria on 0410 566 724 or visit

SWANS VERSUS GIANTS The Sydney Swans take on their cross-town rivals from the wild west tonight at the SCG at 7.25pm. The Swans lost their last encounter in a finals series cracker against the Giants, so they’ll be pumped to reverse the result. This is fast becoming one of the AFL’s fiercest rivalries.

VOLUNTEER WITH YOTS Youth homelessness is extremely prevalent in our city, with the average age of homeless people in Sydney decreasing each year. Whether you help in a mentoring program, run a fundraiser, or do a sleep out, every bit counts. Go to

BUSHCARE AT DOVER HEIGHTS Hugh Bamford Reserve at Dover Heights is an extraordinary piece of land with an extraordinary view of the ocean. Meet at the end of the laneway between 46 and 48 Wentworth Street, Dover Heights today at 9am, and help local volunteers preserve the bush and wildlife.

ART TRAVEL ADVENTURES Are you dreaming of an exotic adventure in 2017 that taps into your creativity? This boutique tour company brings together likeminded people, inspiring artists and exotic locations, for unique, creative experiences. Please visit

Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Building Design Todd Maguire Design Solutions Ph: 0405 617 428

Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Plumber Matt Scott Surfside Plumbing Ph: 0450 391 734 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concretor Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting

Healthy, Happy and Wise


Interview Dan Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive Instagram @jeremygreive Where are you originally from? I was born in Melbourne and raised on the Gold Coast. I moved back to Melbourne to do my cooking apprenticeship and at the age of 22 I moved to the Eastern Suburbs. So half my life I've lived in the Eastern Suburbs and now my wife and I live at Casuarina Beach in northern New South Wales. I commute between Casuarina and here with my kids and with work. I'm on the road nine or 10 months of the year. What do you love about the Eastern Suburbs? There's just something in the air; it's the culture. It's an international destination that we can be very proud of, as far as the arts go, as far as food goes and as far as natural beauty goes. I travel a lot, all over the world, and there is no place better than Australia, especially the east coast. I surfed out here yesterday at North Bondi with my daughter Indii and we had the break all to ourselves for an hour. It's just bizarre and amazing that you can actually still get a non-crowded wave in Bondi. Do you have any favourite local haunts? I'm actually heading over to North Bondi Fish after this interview. That and Sean's Panoroma are my two favourite places to eat if I do eat out in Sydney. Neither ever disappoints. And Orchard St in Bondi is one of my favourites spots too; I pop in there and get drinks from time to time, salad bowls too. There's something for everyone in Bondi, no matter what your budget is.

There are so many new restaurants opening in the Eastern Suburbs, particularly in Bondi; do you think the bubble will eventually burst? I think the good ones will stay and have a good run and the bad ones will disappear and they'll get replaced by new ones. It comes down to consistency. Do you think Hugo's Bondi, your first foray into Sydney dining, would have been as successful in the current climate as it was back in the day? We opened twenty years ago and at the time there was Sean's, which was fantastic, and the Tratt two great institutions. We just added another element to the mix, I guess. We operated that for over 10 years and we were extremely successful, but the average working week for us was over 80 hours. We just had that passion to produce excellent food and excellent service. That’s timeless. Why did you close Hugo's Bondi down? We'd had it for over 10 years. As a group we were looking at other businesses in Kings Cross and Manly. We always put it down to the Seinfeld thing: we had 10 really bloody good years at Bondi, and we'd achieved what we wanted to achieve. It was like, what's next? What's bigger and better? What gets your goat about the Eastern Suburbs? People swimming where they're not supposed to, in the surfing area. That's probably my biggest gripe, especially where the kids are learning to surf. As a dad, you just want them to be able to have a great time without worrying about hitting someone.

What made you want to become a chef? It was really just to learn a life skill first and foremost. I needed to get a trade and I looked at all the trades available - electrician, builder, plumber - and no disrespect to those trades, they're fantastic, but was that going to give me a life skill I would be able to carry on with for the rest of my life? It wasn't until I picked up a cooking apprenticeship that the passion started to grow, because most kids when they're 17, they don't know what they want to do. Did you ever imagine that you'd receive the accolade of ‘best pizza in the world’? We were best breakfast in Sydney, too. We won so many different awards and chef 's hats over the years. The pizza one wasn't actually for Bondi, it was something we did in Kings Cross. A lot of people always emphasise the pizza thing. It was an important part of the business, but there was more to Hugo's and more to our cooking ability than making pizza. Even though you weren’t an owner at the time, were you sad to see the demise of Hugo's Lounge in Kings Cross? I get disappointed when any business closes. It’s always quite sad to see. What are your thoughts on Sydney's lockout laws? I have no thoughts really on it at all. I don't go out at night to drink, so I'm a little bit oblivious to it. I can't remember the last time I've been out past eight o'clock. As a young father and someone who cares about their health, I'm not a big partier, so lockout laws just don’t affect me. April 2017 | The Beast 45

Do you own any restaurants at the moment? No. I consult on two restaurants. There’s a third one about to open that I’ll consult on as well. One in Brisbane, one in Perth and a new one coming in South Australia. I’ve got no ties to any Sydney venues at the moment, but I'm always happy to jump on board if someone is keen on investing. You’ve worked with your brother Dave a lot in the past; do you think doing business with family is harder or easier? I can't comment on that because I guess every situation is completely different. I mean working with my family was one of the greatest experiences of my life, for sure. I got to work with my brother, my best mate, my dad and a couple of other mates, and I have very fond memories of that time. I see myself as an entrepreneur and not all of the things that I touch turn to gold, but I love the freedom to be able to create and I've now got myself in the position where I can do that. It's fun. You've been a judge on Channel 7's My Kitchen Rules (MKR) since 2010… Yeah we've done our eighth season this year and we'll be back for season nine next year. I've just recently done MKR New Zealand too, which is the first hosting gig over there for Manu (Fieldel) and I. I also host another TV series in America, so I spend six to eight weeks over there every year. It's called A Moveable Feast and it's on PBS. I get to cook paleo food on there and get to work with America's top chefs. We're heading into our fifth series this year. It's been Emmy nominated. This year I'm co-hosting it with Curtis Stone for the first time, just because I didn't want to spend as much time away from my family as I have in the past. MKR's been a great journey, though. I'm very proud to be a judge. Why do you think the show has been such a success? It's a family show. It's got something for everyone. Kids can watch it, parents can watch it, and the grandparents can watch it. The secret to MKR is it 46 The Beast | April 2017

has cooking as its main drawcard, but then it's got the entertainment value on top, with real Aussies representing different states. There's that patriotic, sporting feud behind it. You're going for your favourite team or your favourite state. And there are always teams who will rub people up the wrong way, but then there are always teams that people can resonate with. It's like a menu. When you write a menu, you don't always have dishes on there that everybody's going to like. There'll be some on there that some people would never want to eat in their life, but as a chef you put on those dishes because everyone has different tastes. Why should people watch MKR in 2017? If they've got an interest in food and they want their children to grow up with an interest in food and health, MKR and MasterChef are two shows that I think Australia can be very proud of at the moment. They're both promoting multiculturalism, they're both creating an awareness for different cuisines and cultures around the world, and the nutritional aspect of it, all this food knowledge kids are getting, is such an amazing journey. Do you prefer working in television or in the kitchen? I did 20 hard years in the kitchen, averaging around 80-hour weeks, sometimes 100-hour weeks, for quite a period of time, so I'm lucky enough to have had two careers - one in the kitchen, and one now in media while still keeping a toe in the kitchen. I do national tours, teaching people how to eat healthily. I produced my own TV show as well, called The Paleo Way, and now a new one I'm doing is called Healthy Every Day. I've spent the last three years creating a documentary that's coming out later this year. That's what's exciting about being a chef; you can spread your wings into many different areas. Do you think fame changes people? We all change and we all grow. I'm still the same kid from the Goldie that likes to surf and

eat good food and spend time with family. I don't think I've really changed that much. Maybe I’ve become a little more confident in front of the camera or become more confident in my cooking ability, but maybe perceived fame can actually change the people closest to you. What advice would you give to 22-year-old Pete Evans moving up to Sydney for the first time? Nothing. I wouldn't change a thing. It's led me here sitting across from you, looking at North Bondi. I've got two wonderful kids. I've got a wonderful wife now. I've also had wonderful life experiences. It's created who I am. You're known widely as ‘Paleo Pete’ as a result of your passion for the paleo diet; are you still a firm believer in the philosophy or was that just a ploy to sell more books? No, I 1000 per cent believe it. At this point in time, more and more science and research is coming out recommending paleo. Paleo just means old. Basically, in a nutshell it’s meat and three veg. Really. That's what we're promoting. Seafood and three veg if you like. There's nothing crazy about it. It's how our ancestors lived; it's how we've gotten here. I can only go by how I feel on it, and I'm a completely new person from eating this way - as far as energy level goes, as far as clarity goes, as far as general well-being goes. Each and every person that I speak to who adopts this lifestyle 100 per cent - because you've got to do it 100 per cent - feels fantastic. In the five years I've been promoting it myself I've had 40,000 people do my 10-week program and I still haven't had one person say it doesn't work. Do you still activate your almonds? I actually don't have too many almonds to be completely honest. I never really had that many to start with. But yeah, if you're going to eat your nuts it's a good idea to activate them, which basically means to soak them overnight. It’s a pretty simple, ancient process.

earth friendly bed & bath Bondi



Rose Bay

Do you find it amusing how much attention the activating of your almonds has created? It’s probably one of your better marketing tools... Yeah, it's been brilliant. If you go into supermarkets now they've got activated almonds or nuts on their shelves. They've got packaged foods that say 'paleo' on them in there, although I wouldn't recommend people eat that stuff because some of it's a little bit dubious. To create a healthy debate around what we put into our own bodies is something that needs to happen. One of your books, ‘Bubba Yum Yum: The Paleo Way for New Mums, Babies and Toddlers’, caused a massive hullabaloo after some of the advice given within it was said to be potentially deadly for babies; do you have any regrets after publishing that book? No, I published it myself. It's out there in the marketplace. I've had no emails from any organisation or anyone out there to say I shouldn't have that book out there. It was a marketing ploy by the people against us. Any parent will tell you that getting a child to eat anything remotely healthy is often hard work; do you ever think you raise expectations too high? It depends on what kids have started with in life. If you start feeding them bland foods or sugary foods or foods with no flavour, it's going to be very difficult to change their ways overnight to get them to appreciate different types of spices and vegetables and whatnot. The other night a guy said to me, “Well how do I get my 3-year-old to stop eating white bread with Vegemite?” I said, “Stop f**king feeding him that. Are you that stupid? Why are you feeding him white bread with Vegemite in the first place?” If you don't have the time to feed your children healthy food, real food, then why are you having children in the first place? Once upon a time all our ancient civilisations and tribes around the world would prepare for childbirth. They would 48 The Beast | April 2017

make sure the mother would have the best parts of the kill. Kids’ health these days is going downhill dramatically, so think about what to feed yourself prior to reproducing and while they're inside you. You're opposed to the fluoridation of water; why? It should be a choice that people get to make. Books I've got at home, one is the case against fluoride written by different professors from overseas, and the other one is called The Fluoride Deception. These are backed up by pages and pages of all the scientific studies that say that the fluoride that's going into our water is a man-made fluoride, which is a neurotoxin. Why are we putting it into our water supply? For me, it makes no sense whatsoever. What I'm saying is that people should have a choice. You often give advice on social media; how should social media users process that information to make sure they're doing what’s right for them? You don't have to believe anything I've said, but give it a try. Give up milk for three months, or dairy. It isn't going to kill you. If it were going to kill you we wouldn't be here today. You only have to look as far as Australian Aboriginals: were they sucking on cow’s milk to get their calcium intake before European settlement? Put it this way, they were not dying off. They had every opportunity to live to an old age just like we do now. The media often portrays you in a bad light; how do you feel about that and how do you deal with it? That's because I always bring up the lies that they're putting out there. Sometimes someone will post something mean on my Facebook page. I delete it. I understand the world of modern media. What they're trying to do is sensationalise headlines and create polarisation. You're the father of two young daughters, have a wife and an ex-wife; how do you find balancing work and family? It's easy. I'm

usually a year in advance with my schedule. First it's all about family holidays, and then the work commitments fit in around that. It can be pretty full on, but I haven't been run down or sick. I'm still surfing every day. Do you have any advice for youngsters wanting to get into the food business? Work with the best and find what resonates with you the best, because you're just going to waste your time if you're not working somewhere that excites you. It doesn't have to be a threehat restaurant. It can be a smaller place that's doing something that resonates with you. If you've got a health conscious mind then go and work at a health conscious place. If you want to be a three Michelin star chef, go find work with those guys. But be prepared to work hard. Do you have any role models in the industry these days? I'm inspired by a lot of people. Social media is just a brilliant tool so I'm constantly inspired by chefs around the world, pushing the boundaries of what they can do and how they can put it on the plate. It doesn't have to be someone famous, it can be anybody that I can get inspiration from. Do you support any charities? Yes. The Sydney Children's Hospital has always been very close to my heart, as has the Mindd Foundation, which I’ve supported over the years. I’m also associated with the Hope for Health charity in Arnhem Land. There are so many charities out there that still haven't worked out the connection between food and health. Hopefully one day they'll see that. Any idea what the future holds for ‘Paleo Pete’ Evans? More of the same - more surfing, more family time, more cooking, more eating, more sleeping, more living. That's about it. If we have a thirst for knowledge and giving back, then I think we'll stay young for a very long time.

I will eat your soul.

IT’S TIME TO NAIL EASTER TO THE CROSS Words Rupert Truscott-Hughes Picture Terry Fied


ast year around this time (maybe a month earlier; who knows?) I wrote about the concept of a set weekend for Easter each year. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It still seems like a good idea now, actually. I’ve since given Easter itself a bit more thought, though, and rather than making the move to lock down a date for an Easter holiday, I reckon they should simply scrap it altogether. It’s a big call, I know, and don’t get me wrong, I love a holiday as much as the next bloke. Who doesn’t like a day off work? The thing is, I just don’t think Easter holds the significance in modern day Australia that it may have once done in the past. I mean, what the hell is Easter all about anyway? I know it’s meant to be a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, but I still don’t really understand the metaphor. To me, it makes about as much sense as bunny rabbits handing out

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chocolate eggs. Whoever came up with that idea must’ve been smoking from the same pipe as the people who honestly believe in the resurrection. Going a bit further on the whole resurrection thing making bugger all sense, I did what any inquisitive person would do in this situation and asked Google, which then referred me to its reliable friend Wikipedia. This is what it said: The New Testament states that the resurrection of Jesus, which Easter celebrates, is a foundation of the Christian faith. The resurrection established Jesus as the powerful Son of God and is cited as proof that God will judge the world in righteousness. For those who trust in Jesus' death and resurrection, "death is swallowed up in victory." Any person who chooses to follow Jesus receives "a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead". Through faith in the working of God those who follow Jesus are spiritually resurrected with him so

that they may walk in a new way of life and receive eternal salvation. Oh, that explains everything so clearly, said no one, ever. How has anyone ever been fooled by this rubbish? It astounds me that two whole millennia have passed and people still actually dedicate their whole lives to this blind faith bulldust. Unfortunately enough people in powerful positions in this country do believe in it, though, and as such my plan to put an end to Easter probably won’t gain much traction. Thus, I’ve devised another idea that should keep everyone happy. I think if we’re going to take time off work for one religion’s holidays, we should do the right thing and honour the holidays of all faiths. All or nothing. If Christians can have their Christmas, Easter and Halloween, we should all be able to take the day off work to celebrate Yom Kippur, Eid and Diwali. We are a multicultural society after all, so why not?

HOW DO YOU USUALLY LIKE TO CELEBRATE EASTER? Words and Pictures Catriona Stirrat



When my parents were alive we used to paint Easter eggs and break and share bread from Lithuania. We also had this tradition where you smash eggs against each other. Since my parents have died that tradition has passed.

Generally we have a roast or something. We don’t do anything too special. We might get an Easter egg if we really feel like it. This year we are going abroad for Easter break, which will be nice.



I love Easter and I love little children. I have two little kids who live in my block, so I bought something for them. I just bought eight books to take up to the kids at Ronald McDonald house for Easter, too.

We don’t go to church or anything. The family just spends a bit more time together going down to the beach, having a nice meal and maybe taking our dog for a nice picnic somewhere.


I go camping with Scouts and we eat heaps of chocolate. It literally has nothing to do with Easter, it just happens to fall over the long weekend.


I celebrate Easter literally the same as any other day of the week. I’m not religious, so it’s just another holiday and I often either go fishing or to the beach for a swim. April 2017 | The Beast 51

up Pappy Flano, and then find the best right-hander to bunker down on till lunch. Then it’s a big lunch with a few quiet ales and we’d possibly combine that with catching up with a few mates. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It’s got everything - the beaches, the city, the harbour, and the diversity of the people. They come from all corners of the globe with their stories to tell. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? You need a mortgage for a loaf of bread and the traffic's out of control. Do you have a favourite sporting team? The Wicks. Like Clovelly Beach, there's also something magical about 3pm on Saturdays in winter at Coogee Oval. What music are you into at the moment? All sorts tickle me, but normally I have Buddha Radio on - great tunes, no ads and no chat. Don't worry, be happy.

LOCAL BLOKE... WADE KELLY FROM CLOVELLY Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks


orn and bred Clovelly local Wade Kelly is best known in the area for causing pain to his rugby opponents, but these days pain mitigation is his profession. He shares his local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? I was born opposite the Clovelly Hotel in 1979, and apart from a year up the coast and a 10-year hiatus overseas, I’ve been here ever since. What's your favourite beach? They're all sensational and have their different qualities, but there's something magical about Cloey at high tide on a clear day. It just needs the right-hander off the pool to be a touch bigger! 52 The Beast | April 2017

What's your favourite eatery? La Spiaggia in Coogee. As authentically Italian as the old bloke who hand roles the gnocchi every morning out the back whilst fleecing his mates at cards. Where do you like to have a drink? Anywhere with good mates that doesn't charge $10 a schooner. My mate Trev’s backyard pool bar serves a nice cold lager at the right price. Do you have a favourite quote? From the great philosopher from the 80s, Bobby McFerrin: “Don't worry, be happy”. What do you get up to on the weekends? We normally get the posture exercises done, load up the boards and sand buckets, pick

Who is your favourite person? Hands down the missus, Shaye. Anymore laidback and she'd be horizontal. She's pure pleasure for the soul. What do you do for work? I’m a Postural Alignment Specialist at Pain Free Postural Therapy in Westfield Bondi Junction. I played and coached professional rugby league and union for 22 years and it’s by far the best therapy I had for relieving pain and preventing it from returning. What's your favourite thing about work? Seeing people in pain realise and understand that it’s logical what’s causing it and it’s simple to fix it. Everyone should be pain-free and moving, no matter what age they are. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? In pain? We will help you. Come and see us at Pain Free Postural Therapy or visit I guarantee you will love it.

April 2017 | The Beast 53

beach time, and hanging out with family and friends at a barbecue. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Definitely the people. I really love the sense of community living here in the Eastern Suburbs. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Parking. If we manage to get a spot in our street, particularly in summer, it’s a bonus. Do you have a favourite sporting team? The Roosters, thanks to my dad’s influence. He’s an old Bondi boy and Rooster from way back. His special request for his 70th birthday was for me to make him a Roosters Smashcake. What music are you into at the moment? Whatever my boys (aged nine and 12) are listening to - if you can’t beat them then join them. At the moment it’s Twenty One Pilots, The Chainsmokers, The Beatles and Jamiroquai. Who is your favourite person? My favourite people are my husband, Steve, and my boys, Haiden and Jesse.

Willy Wonka, eat your heart out!

LOCAL CHICK... KYLENE LOVAT FROM COOGEE Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks


oogee resident Kylene Lovat is the brains and brawn behind Smashcakes, those deliciously festive desserts that one must take a hammer to before consuming. She shares her local favourites with The Beast… How long have you lived here? I’ve been in the Eastern Suburbs for 15 years, the past 13 in Coogee and the two years before that in Randwick. What’s your favourite beach? I love them all, but I’d have to say Coogee as that’s usually where we meet up with friends. If the boys want a surf then North Bondi is always a fave. 54 The Beast | April 2017

What’s your favourite eatery? The Lovat dining room or balcony. Nothing beats a glass of wine at home with some fresh seafood from The One That Got Away in Bondi. Where do you like to have a drink? Hands down the North Bondi RSL for the views, friendly staff and super chilled vibe. Do you have a favourite quote? “Walk to the beat of your own drum.” What do you get up to on the weekends? Aside from the usual ‘mum duties’, the perfect weekend would also include the coast run, some

What do you do for work? I have my own business, called Smashcake, making chocolate pinatas for birthdays, weddings and special events. I set it up in 2009 when the kids were little and have loved every single second of it since. I believe I have the best job in the world. You can check it out at What’s your favourite thing about work? I’ve met a lot of fantastic people and families through my work, which I’m really grateful for. Playing with chocolate all day and being able to create something that makes my customers happy is pretty cool too! Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Believe in your dreams and work hard for them. Surround yourself with those who love you. The rest will fall into place.

Please contact Kylene for more information... phone 0405 129 882 email

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April 2017 | The Beast 55

Wrangling a striped marlin.



eraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is said to have written: “The only constant thing in our life is change”. This rings true today more than ever, as the speed of change has become exponential. The faster our technology becomes, the faster life seems to move in an attempt to keep pace with it, and as a result the constant of change becomes more evident. The more we have, the more we want, and the more time, money and energy we must spend taking care of all the things we have. The things you own begin to own you. It seems like a cruel, endless cycle, unless of course you choose to side step it for a more simple life, but that can be hard to do. As fishermen, to become skilled at what we love to do we must become attuned to changes, perhaps more so than most people. A subtle change in the season can be 56 The Beast | April 2017

a sign to search for a species here or there, a change of light signifies a feeding phase, and a change of weather after a big storm can take weeks, if not months, to properly understand and allow you to work out where your favourite finned adversary has moved on to. With the earlier than expected arrival of autumn this year, my diehard fishing mates and I have hatched a few plans to go to winter grounds early and seek out target species like snapper and kingfish on reefs typically fished in late May or even early June. It will also be interesting to see if the April run of big tailor hits early, providing great catches off the local rocks, or if it’s worth running wide on the full moon in May hunting for an early yellowfin tuna. It’s been a few years since they’ve arrived that early, but with a changing climate anything is possible, it would seem.

April is a month of change in the oceans. Fish that have been holding on their summer grounds either turn their noses north and retreat with the cooling current, or head deeper like the kingfish and ocean-run mulloway. On the flipside, eastern rock lobsters and John Dory will swim into the shallows following the only cycle they’ve ever known. If you get keyed into the changes then it can be a joy. Similarly, if we embrace change and prepare for it in our own lives satisfaction can be found in new opportunities, personal growth and the departure from learned limiting beliefs. Whilst it can be sad and feel like loss at times, it’s hard to argue with the old adages that variety is the spice of life, and a change is as good as a holiday. It’s best that we learn to love what we can’t control.

APRIL 2017 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi MONDAY





1.83 0.34 1.52 0.47

2 0056 0632 1237 1825

1.79 0.40 1.41 0.57

7 0524 1.66 1159 0.43 1810 1.48

8 0003 0615 1242 1853

0.55 1.67 0.41 1.56

9 0052 0700 1321 1932

0.50 1.67 0.40 1.62

16 0533 1132 1709 2338

0.57 1.33 0.68 1.60

5 0315 1005 1618 2200

1.63 0.49 1.33 0.67

6 0424 1107 1719 2306

1.64 0.46 1.40 0.62

0.45 1.61 0.44 1.68

12 0255 0858 1458 2116

0.45 1.56 0.47 1.70

13 0332 0934 1528 2148

0.46 1.51 0.51 1.69

14 0411 1012 1559 2222

0.49 1.45 0.56 1.68

15 0451 1050 1631 2259

0.52 1.39 0.62 1.64

18 0025 0717 1315 1846

1.55 0.65 1.23 0.79

19 0120 0819 1421 1953

1.50 0.66 1.22 0.82

20 0225 0922 1531 2107

1.49 0.63 1.26 0.80

21 0332 1018 1631 2215

1.51 0.58 1.34 0.74

22 0432 1107 1722 2313

1.56 0.50 1.45 0.64

25 0055 0703 1316 1933

0.42 1.74 0.31 1.82

26 0145 0753 1400 2018

0.32 1.75 0.29 1.92

27 0237 0844 1445 2105

0.26 1.72 0.31 1.98

28 0330 0937 1531 2154

0.24 1.66 0.36 2.00

29 0426 1032 1621 2245

0.25 1.58 0.44 1.96

3 0055 0742 1345 1930

1.72 0.46 1.32 0.65

4 0201 0855 1503 2045

1.66 0.49 1.29 0.69

10 0136 0742 1355 2009

0.46 1.65 0.41 1.66

11 0216 0821 1427 2043

17 0622 0.61 1219 1.27 1752 0.74 24 0005 0615 1234 1850

Morning dip.


1 0003 0630 1237 1830

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

0.53 1.70 0.36 1.70


23 0526 1.63 1152 0.42 1806 1.57 30 0524 1130 1714 2340

0.30 1.49 0.53 1.89

More addictive than the hezza.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... COFFEE Words Nat Shepherd Picture Carli Jeen Picture @carlijeen


wise man once told me that life is too short for scratchy toilet paper or bad coffee. I agree, and apparently so do you. According to a recent Nespresso survey, 50 per cent of us Aussies say that being given a bad coffee makes us angry, 17 per cent feel regretful, and a delicate 6 per cent reckon it spoils their whole day. If coffee is this important, how are you going to make sure that you get your mitts on a cup of the good stuff ? The Unreliable Guide has some tips and tricks to get your fix in style… LIVE RIGHT HERE IN AUSTRALIA After many trips overseas, I reckon Australian coffee is the best in the world. Truly. I was desperate to try coffee in Italy (it’s a kind of religion to them, after all), but while Italian espresso is an experience, their lattes are just horrible. French coffee is passable, and if you’re headed to the UK don’t expect much. There are cafes in both London and New York that advertise the fact they've got Australian or Kiwi baristas. Think about that. Forget the Ashes, forget the Webb Ellis Cup, they know 58 The Beast | April 2017

we’ve got them covered when it comes to coffee. The award for the worst coffee in the world goes to America. Their drip filter coffee tastes like manure mixed with battery acid. No wonder they offer you a free refill. So, yes, we have the best in the world, but who’s going to make it? CHOOSE YOUR BARISTA WITH CARE A great barista is like Coffee God, and must be treated with respect and adulation. I have cafes I only go to when a particular barista is behind the Gaggia’s gleaming chrome. Some baristas are variable and must be checked for mood; if they are having a bad day they may well take it out on my brew. To check if a barista is going to produce the goods you need to look out for flair, swish and expertise. If you take milk in your coffee, the barista must have the right milkskills: silky and creamy, not bubble bath foamy, and served at just the right side of hot. And please, barista, once you’ve placed the portafilter in the machine, brew that coffee straight away; don’t leave it burning while you flirt with

the hot waitress/waiter or I’ll show you the meaning of bitter. INVENT A ‘COFFEE NAME’ Having found a great barista who’s turning out the good stuff, you’ll probably find he/she has quite a local following. This means you may have to queue and give your name. This can be a problem if your name is generic. ‘Nat’ can be short for Nathan, Natalie, Natasha, or Natalia, plus it sounds far too much like Matt, Brett, Pat and Kat. Due to coffee shop name confusion I’ve been accidentally given a hot chocolate, a cinnamon mocha, and the most disgusting cappuccino with three sugars. It was awful, but it led me to adopt a unique ‘coffee name’. Genius. I no longer ask for a latte for Nat. Instead, I give them my new ‘coffee name’. It works a treat, but I’m not telling you what it is. Find your own. I’m not drinking your skim soy moccachino with honey! Finally, if you like takeaway coffee, make sure you get yourself a reusable cup. The planet has enough shit taking up valuable space already.

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April 2017 | The Beast 59

Get him, Buddy.

THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Paul Kelly

Turn and face the strange chch-ch-changes” Sydney. Are you ready for it? I’m not sure you are. Especially not here in the Eastern Suburbs. Sydney’s not a one swan town anymore, there’s a giant new bird down the local, ruffling feathers and generally running amok. If you’re struggling to follow (which, I admit, would be perfectly reasonable given that gibberish), I am talking about the AFL. Specifically, the removal of the Sydney Swans as our town’s number one team. Yes, I realise David Bowie wasn’t singing about football - perhaps the complete opposite and the GWS Giants’ mascot isn’t even a bird, let alone a giant one, but football fans can still learn a lot from that song. In the blink of the eye, the Swans have gone from being the only team in town, to the ‘big brother’, and now they’re essentially the understudy. And like the young man in that song, they’ll make life a lot easier on

60 The Beast | April 2017

themselves if they just turn around and embrace it. It’s not easy to cuddle up to another football team’s success, though. Winning is a habit, they say, but I see it as more of a lover, and when someone starts stealing your lover from you, you’re bound to get a little tetchy. And don’t kid yourselves, Swans fans, GWS are no longer courting your spouse, they are very much inside your marital bedroom. For the moment you are in there with them. It’s a bit of a sexy threesome. Everyone’s having fun. But they are the better lover now, and will be for some time. They’re new, fresh and have some strange and serious moves. It’s only natural that your tired old routine isn’t going to hold much interest anymore. You need to reinvent yourself, but that’s going to take time. I think you might even spend some time out of the bedroom (during the finals) over the next few years. It won’t be easy grinding away

on your own. Welcome to the world of equality. It’s been a while since you had to douse yourself in its glassy waters. Swans fans are a fickle bunch, too. A lot of them won’t hang around, proving yet another eternal truth that you can have all the money in the world, but even the most expensive whores won’t love you. They’ll hang around while times are good, but as soon as you’re taking them out for burgers instead of lobster, they’ll be out the door – even if those burgers are from Bondi Tony’s. This is when you’ll find out who your real friends are. Remember them. They are your spine, your heart, your family. We all seem to live for our brain and genitals these days – and don’t get me wrong, when things are good, you can have a hell of a time with them – but a little bit of failure can be a good way to find your heart. So, good luck Sydney Swans, you need it now more than ever.

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April 2017 | The Beast 61

Rome has statues.

WHEN IN ROME Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug “When in Rome…” ll my life I’ve wanted to live out this fantasy, not just as a figure of speech, as a reality, and recently that's exactly what I did. With only 48 hours to discover and explore Rome and all its landmarks, the incredible amount of history that the ‘Eternal City’ has behind it quickly dawned upon me. With time at a premium, immediately after checking in to my hotel I made my way to the Trevi Fountain, which is the largest baroque fountain in Rome. The colour of the water, the spectacular statues and architecture that incase the intimate site, and the massive crowds that were there to witness it set the benchmark for the days to come. A traditional legend holds that if visitors throw a coin into the fountain, they are ensured a return to Rome. Needless to say, I flicked a few Euros in just to make sure. After exhausting nearly half of my camera roll at the famous fountain, I raced around to the Spanish Steps. This amazing landmark was designed by an Italian architect, funded by a French diplomat and named after the Spanish Embassy. It’s here that so many famous movie scenes have been filmed, such as Federico Fellini’s ‘La Dolce Vita’ and Audrey Hepburn’s ‘A Roman Holiday’. Before I went off to discover my next famous Roman monument I needed a carb refuel, which came in


62 The Beast | April 2017

the form of a meat antipasto plate and a combination spaghetti and meatballs with a side of lasagna, followed by a bucket of gelato, which gave me the energy to get over to the Pantheon. The Pantheon is one of the best preserved of all ancient Roman buildings. Since the 7th century it has been used as a church dedicated to St Mary and the Martyrs. Almost 2000 years after construction, it’s still a remarkable building and boasts the largest unsupported dome in the world today. With the incredible experience of the Pantheon still swirling around in my head, it was not long before I found myself walking around the perimeter walls of the colossal Colosseum. To this day it’s still the largest amphitheatre ever built. If only those walls could talk, what a tale this mighty monument could tell. In its heyday, gladiatorial combat and executions were a regular occurrence in front of a charged up crowd of nearly 80,000 bloodthirsty punters. When the Colosseum was in full swing, up to 400,000 people lost their lives and a million wild animals were slaughtered, all in the name of entertainment. Continuing on my crusade after ticking the Colosseum off my to-do list, I came across an area known as the Roman Forum, which really is a walk through Rome’s history books. For centuries the Forum was the centre of Roman public life and the

site of triumphal processions and elections, as well as the venue for public speeches, criminal trials and gladiatorial showdowns. The array of ruins and buildings here is surreal. It’s hard to believe that it’s not a movie set built for the tourism industry (a conspiracy theory in the making…). On my second day in this splendid city, I started things off by touring the Vatican. If witnessing opulence at its most extreme level is your thing, than this is a must-do tour. Some of the most famous artworks and frescoes in living memory are housed within its walls. Lining up to enter the Vatican is like being part of an adults version of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, during the scene when the children and their accompanying guardians are waiting to go in. The excitement and anticipation is palpable. It’s hard to describe what one sees and feels in the Vatican. For me, my feelings ranged from the exhilaration of witnessing jaw-dropping artworks, sculptures, tapestries and golden frescoes in the flesh, to an overwhelming sadness that there is such an excess of monumental wealth when around the world there is so much poverty and desperation. Amongst all the history on display in Rome, it was entering the Sistine Chapel, the ceiling of which was famously painted by the great Michelangelo, that had me spellbound more than anything else. The stories, detailed frescoes (which most of us have at the very least seen in pictures) and extraordinary artworks are an extremely spiritual experience. My only disappointment was how small the painting of the last supper actually is! At the end of the Vatican tour I was lucky enough to witness the changing of the very colourful Swiss guards - all in all, a pleasant finish to my Rome experience. Rome, with all its historical ruins, wonderous beauty and delicious food, left me with an indelible memory. I’m not sure the Romans themselves spend two days straight ticking off all the historically important sights, but when in Rome every tourist certainly should. You won’t regret it. How To Get There Vicki Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166

Everyone remembers their first time.

TEENAGERS AND PORN Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Paul Bongiorno


oday's teenagers, boys and girls, grow up watching porn from a very young age. Some start as young as ten or eleven. Sexual curiosity is healthy, but they often see hard-core images, giving them unrealistic expectations of sex. For many children, porn has become their primary sex educator. Before porn was available online it was relatively difficult to access. Children may have found R-rated magazines or videos at home, but the Internet changed the game. Now they have access to unlimited amounts of free porn in the privacy of their bedrooms on their smartphones or iPads. Keeping teenagers away from Internet porn is practically impossible; you might think your children don't access it, but in reality most do. Children are being given an unrealistic vision of what sex is about. They are watching incredibly graphic re-enactments of sex, often before they have had their first sexual experience. Boys and girls brought up on a diet of hard-core porn are going to have a

64 The Beast | April 2017

pretty distorted attitude in terms of their own sexual boundaries and may feel the pressure to replicate what they see. Anal sex has become a standard part of heterosexual porn, and another new trend in mainstream porn is for a scene to end with a man ejaculating on a woman's face. It’s a disturbing fact that it seems as if this is ‘the norm’, and young girls believe this is what boys like. Ending a sex scene without any thought for the woman's pleasure and satisfaction after the man has climaxed, showing her being left with semen in her eyes, should not be viewed as normal sex. Boys should be told that slapping women during sex and calling them bitches, or always expecting oral sex, is not cool either. Sexually experienced adults may understand that porn is a fantasy, performed by professionals with unrealistic porn star bodies, but many teenagers don't know this. For some girls, first-time sex can be a very unpleasant and disappointing experience, and they can become anxious about the appear-

ance of their genitals, which don't look at all like those of the women on screen. Teenage girls get most of their sex education from magazines and online publications, but they also look at porn. They may check out sites to see what boys like, and how they should look and perform to please them. I believe that our high schools should be encouraged to introduce discussions about pornography in their sex education curriculum. It might upset some parents, but they have to realise that in this day and age they don't have the skills to do it themselves. To make this task easier, in the UK an excellent resource called ‘Planet Porn’ has been created for sex educators, teachers, parents, youth workers and teenagers. It is aimed at helping young people to develop critical thinking skills so they can tell the difference between sex on ‘Planet Porn’ and sex on Planet Earth. Thanks to the Internet, you can also access it here in Australia. Just be sure to clear your search history after you order it.

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April 2017 | The Beast 65

Nonny from Bondi Junction.

Jay from Bondi Beach.

WEAR WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL STYLISH Words and Pictures Sharmin Musca, Personal Stylist


t wasn’t so long ago that the fashion forward men and women of the world would wait for the latest copy of Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar to report on the latest hemlines or sleeve lengths shown in Paris before they rushed out to replicate them. Back then the concept of style wasn’t individual; the way to appear stylish was to copy the fashion of the day. Now there are so many simultaneous styles on offer. New looks drop in-store while others continue to trend… and trend; from major trends, to mini-trends through to micro-trends. As the timeline and essence of trends have evolved, style has been replicated, duplicated, imitated and turned, essentially, into a blog. In this age full of bloggers, Pinterest and Instagram, we’re showered with fashion imagery. Who’s to say what’s on trend and what is not anymore? Sure, we still have Vogue and 66 The Beast | April 2017

all the other magazines that drive fashion and its reportage, but we’ve got so many more new outlets that there’s a risk of over-saturation. Someone asked me the other day about the ‘latest’ look for autumn and I thought: ”Is there actually a ‘latest’ look or is it really the latest take on a look that’s been here many times before?” So what to wear then? I tell my clients to wear what makes them feel stylish, not just something that they’ve seen work on their best friend or someone at work. That means accepting your unique body shape (right now, not after you lose five kilos), acknowledging your budget, lifestyle and personality, and wearing what suits you. Style is so much more about confidence than it is about the pieces themselves. When you wear things you feel authentic and comfortable in, that’s when others will see you as effortlessly stylish.

On the streets I found: NONNY FROM BONDI JUNCTION Occupation Events manager Street Style Nonny wears jacket, dress and bag from H&M, Le Sports sunnies and Converse. Fave Item for the Season A thigh length camel coloured structured jacket. JAY FROM BONDI BEACH Occupation Engineering technician Street Style Jay wears a Superdry shirt, Zara pants, sunnies from Bondi Markets and Havaianas thongs. Fave Item for the Season My Maui Jim Mavericks with blue lenses. If overhauling your own wardrobe seems too time consuming, Sharmin Musca – Personal Stylist can help. Call 0405 518 155 or email

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April 2017 | The Beast 67

SUBJECT Bird's eye view LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Sebastian Elmaloglou INSTA @intepic

SUBJECT Glarey LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Amaury Tréguer INSTA @morningbondi

SUBJECT Little people LOCATION Bronte PHOTOGRAPHER Yollanda Saw INSTA @whatyollandasaw

SUBJECT Prime real estate LOCATION Gordon's Bay PHOTOGRAPHER Sebastian Elmaloglou INSTA @intepic

SUBJECT Frothy LOCATION Mackenzies Bay PHOTOGRAPHER Andrew Worssam


The Beast Magazine wants your local photos!

SUBJECT Shoulder press LOCATION Maroubra PHOTOGRAPHER Bruno Mota INSTA @heycassitravel

SUBJECT Baby Ballet Academy LOCATION Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Giselle Haber

SUBJECT Colourful Maroubra LOCATION Maroubra PHOTOGRAPHER Bruno Mota INSTA @brunomota

SUBJECT Rock my boat LOCATION North Bondi PHOTOGRAPHER Yael Rothschild

Please send them to

According to Benjamin Young of FrankGreen: “We have found that 50 per cent of our customers have never used a reusable product before.” Many do not go back to disposable cups once investing in a reusable one. You can customize the colours to suit your style, grab discounts, loyalty or reward points from some cafes, and you can even pay with your cup using CafePay. WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP? Aside from giving up coffee (never going to happen), the experts tell us to: avoid using a takeaway cup – sit, sip and relax in your local café; reuse if you’re having it on the go (choose from one of the many reusable products on the market, such as FrankGreen, Joco or KeepCups**); only accept biodegradable cups if you have a compost facility nearby; and, if you must use a takeaway cup, put it in the general rubbish bin, not the recycling bin. My monthly intake.

TAKEAWAY COFFEE CUPS THE ISSUES ‘UNWRAPPED’ Words Asha Kayla, Sustainable Communities Manager - Waverley Council


ho doesn’t love their morning coffee-to-go? With three million cups enjoyed each day, it’s a real romance for most of us. Sadly, up to a billion takeaway coffee cups end up in landfill every year, and many find their way into our oceans. They take years to degrade or just break into smaller pieces, causing damage on land and in the sea. Here’s some business, industry and packaging expert advice on how to make your next coffee guilt-free… TAKEAWAY COFFEE CUPS ARE NOT RECYCLABLE Due to the plastic resin inner lining (stuff called polyethylene), takeaway cups are not recyclable, even though they are mostly paper. It’s almost impossible to sort them out for recycling. According to 70 The Beast | April 2017

Brendan Lee of Closed Loop: “They look like cardboard and behave like cardboard, but they’re not and they can’t be mechanically separated, so they would have to be separated by hand. This is obviously far too expensive to do.” BIODEGRADABLE CUPS ARE NOT GUILT-FREE EITHER Generally, biodegradable cups are great if they are disposed of in a commercial grade composter, less so in a home compost bin. They cannot go in recycling bins*. If they are thrown in the general waste that goes to landfill, they emit climate-damaging methane gas, the very worst of the greenhouse gases, as they break down. TAKEAWAY CUPS ARE ‘OUT’ AND REUSABLE CUPS ARE ‘IN’ Reusable cups are on the rise.

IN THE FUTURE There are moves to shake up the recycling process to make it easier to separate out takeaway cups. Closed Loop and their partner organisation, the Australian Packaging Covenant, are trialling cup-only recycling bins in offices to create a single waste stream, which could attract a commercial market for them. This follows the success of Simply Cups in the UK, which collects and recycles coffee cups into second-life materials using cutting edge technology. IN BONDI WE LIKE IT ‘UNWRAPPED’ Waverley Council is working with businesses and the community to tackle takeaway waste with the project ‘Bondi Unwrapped’. Businesses can access a free waste packaging assessment, which will help cafes and consumers make better purchasing decisions. To find out more, please email *Check with manufacturer to be sure. **This is not intended as an endorsement of these products.



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merican Doubles is an Australian electronic music duo based in Melbourne. Made up of Robert Smith and Justin Hamilton, their debut single, Swell, an underwater opus of sorts, recently hit the airwaves. The Beast caught up with Mr. Hamilton during the month... If I had to describe our sound in one sentence… I’d say it’s synth driven pop with an upbeat outlook! My first memory of music is… staying with my grandmother who was mad on classical music. She had an extensive collection and an amazing hi-fi system that was played continuously at ear piercing levels to compensate for her deafness. Growing up my parents listened to… everything from Nana Mouskouri to the Beatles and nothing beyond the 70s. Our dream gig... would be Coachella, because it’s one of the largest and most famous festivals and so many of our favourite artists have performed there.

72 The Beast | April 2017

Our new single, ‘The Swell’, is… a summer breezy tune that takes a cruisy drive around the bay before leaping into a perfectly calm ocean. We filmed nearly the entire video for ‘The Swell’ underwater because… we wanted to capture the feeling of serenity. Filming underwater offers a sense of peace and calm, and at the same time accentuates the flow of movement. If you come to see us play, you can expect… a high-energy performance, fine musicians, a room full of grins and syncopated heartbeats. There was one time when we were starting out… that we met Mas Ysa at the Prince Bandroom while he was in Australia on tour with Phantogram. After chatting for a while he took us backstage and was showing us some of the gear he was using when a roadie, realising we weren't supposed to be there, said to us, “Who the fuck are you guys?” I said, “We’re an electro duo

called American Doubles.” That was the first time I recall saying our band name to anybody. If we could have chosen one song to have written, it would have to be… Barry Manilow’s ‘Copacabana’. Our favourite song to perform would have to be... all of them! It largely depends on the audience, though. Which ever song they’re most receptive to at the time is usually our favourite to play. One person we’d still really like to record with is… Quincy Jones. Our biggest fan has got be… our close friends and support group. We’ll know we’ve have made it when... hearing versions of our songs played in elevators. To find out more about American Doubles, please visit their Facebook page at americandoubles/



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ALBUM #1 Artist Horrorshow Album Bardo State Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  You know when you order pizza and it takes ages to arrive? You ride a rollercoaster of emotion and then finally accept that it will probably never come. The delivery driver has cracked it. They’ve pulled over somewhere and begun angrily eating your pizza, cursing the unfairness of the world. Well, I felt that way about this album. I’ve been expecting Horrorshow to drop a cracking album for so long now, but it just hadn’t happened, so I gave up. I was heating up the two-minute noodles, resigned to a terrible night. Then a knock on the door! And this happened.


MOVIE REVIEW TITLE A Man Called Ove GENRE Drama/Comedy REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador Suicide and loneliness are definitely not laughing matters, yet Swedish director Hannes Holm (Behind Blue Skies), who has adapted Fredrik Backman’s 2012 novel of the same name, has been able to address these issues in a devilishly humorous and touching manner. A Man Called Ove is the story of a grumpy, inflexible and lonely man who is set in a strict routine of monitoring his neighbourhood, has no tolerance for idiots, and is tired of his life. Through a series of flashbacks we are shown that Ove’s (Rolf Lassgard) childhood had been a hard and lonely one after his mother died, but as an adult he found true love and happiness when he met and married Sonja (Ida Engvoll). Many years later a string of unfortunate incidents occur, which leads Ove to the conclusion that it is time to join his recently deceased wife. When his rambunctious new neighbours, Parvaneh (Bahar Pars) and her family, unexpectedly interrupt his plans, a life-changing friendship is formed. Lassgard’s expressive and droll portrayal of Ove’s underlying sadness allows this to be more than a cliché-ridden genre film. It’s about friendships, acceptance and community spirit. You’ll be sad, you’ll be laughing, but most of all you’ll realise first impressions don’t always last! 74 The Beast | April 2017

Artist Holy Holy Album Paint Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Holy moly, Holy Holy, I didn’t know you had it in you. I had pigeonholed you into the bottomless pit of mediocre indie bands whose popularity I would never understand, but you’ve come out swinging with this one and knocked me on my arse. I’m hearing a strange combination of Crowded House and Kasabian, which is not a mix that I ever thought I’d come across, yet here it is liberally dosing my ears with sheer pleasure. There is depth too. Gorgeous depth. Like an oil painting. If Monet made an indie record, it would probably sound like this.

ALBUM #3 Artist The Waifs Album Ironbark Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Remember The Waifs? I was surprised to hear they’re still going, but I guess if you were lucky enough to drop a hit single before everyone started streaming, legally or otherwise, you can do whatever the hell you want for the rest of your life. I can’t say I’ve heard much of them, apart from the famed ‘London Still’, and I was a little surprised by how country they sound. Not quite chewing ‘baccy in the local pub country, but country enough to know that they’ve got a couple of cousins married to each other. It’s a nice album, but a bit boring for complicated city-folk.

Suspended animation.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Madeleine Gray Picture Sebastian Elmaloglou Instagram @intepic MENTAL HEALTH: IT’S ALL ON YOUR HEAD Mental health, for all the publicity it has gotten in recent years, is still surrounded by stigma and misunderstanding. Eastern Suburbs native and film director David O’Donnell has produced a film in which the possibility of hiding mental baggage is impossible: the film is essentially set in an alternate reality where mental baggage is worn, literally, about one’s head. It’s called ‘Picture Wheel’ and it just qualified for Academyaccredited film festival, Cinequest. With luck (and good judgment) it will be screening at festivals around the world very soon, so check it out before it's mainstream, man. You can head to to find out more. GO ON AN ART TRAVEL ADVENTURE Are you dreaming of an exotic adventure in 2017 that taps into your creativity? Local resident Kerri Ainsworth has reinvented herself from set designer and installation artist, and combined her passions

into a new business: ART Travel Adventures. The name says it all - it is a boutique tour company that brings together like-minded people, inspiring artists and exotic locations, for unique, creative experiences. For more information, visit MEMORIES OF MERMAIDS The Blackman family is not your average bunch. Artist Christabel Blackman has returned to Sydney after living in Spain for 25 years, and her brother Auguste is also a full-time artist. Together, they are exhibiting ‘Memories of Mermaids’ at the Bondi Pavilion Gallery from March 21 to April 2. The show is about the Blackman family experience of Bondi: the surfers, swimmers, sunbathers and family scenarios spanning across the decades and several generations. GOOD ART AT GOODSPACE Helen Proctor is an awesome Sydney-based artist whose latest exhibition is inspired by rock pools and beaches around Sydney (including Tama and Bronte) and on April 19,

for one night only, you can catch her whimsical works at Goodpsace Gallery in Chippendale from 6–9pm. You may have seen Helen’s work before at Bondi Beach; her mural is right next to Mulga the Artist’s on the Bondi promenade. Goodspace is just above the Lord Gladstone Hotel, so get a tipple and make a night of it. VIRTUAL IMPERATOR – EDGE OF EMPIRE The Australian Centre for Photography on Oxford Street is a serious local gem that not enough people know about. From March 17 to May 6, it will exhibit a captivating new exhibition of photographic, video and VR works by Shaun Gladwell, entitled ‘Shaun Gladwell, Virtual Imperator – Edge of Empire’, which looks set to be an aesthetic and intellectual delight, critically addressing the ambivalence of representing conflict and the historical persistence of imperial structures. Beats watching Two and Half Men reruns, right? For more information, please visit

Proper chef, proper food.

COOGEE STRIKES GOLD WITH FINE DINING ON A BUDGET Words Dining Dave Instagram @diningdave Picture Grant Brooks


always love going to Coogee. To me it’s a refuge from the hustle and bustle of Bondi Junction, where I spend way too much of my time. And now I have a reason even better than the beach and pool to scoot on down to Coogee Bay Road – it’s called Coogee Trade. This modern café opened last September and is the brainchild of former Café Sydney chef Matt Bates and his wife Rachael. After 13 years at Café Sydney, Matt wanted to create a café/restaurant that was neither too mainstream, nor too niche. He’s succeeded, and the result will blow you away whether you pop in for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Easy to locate at the busy beachend of Coogee Bay Road, Coogee Trade’s interior is sophisticated, but beachy. It’s a light and airy open space with wooden tables and ceiling fans, a feature wall covered in palm frond wallpaper, and a massive mirror on one side to cre76 The Beast | April 2017

ate that feeling of space in what is quite a slender building. Arriving with my two companions at midday for brunch (so we could try dishes from both breakfast and lunch menus), we were greeted by two of Matt’s super-friendly staff, Emily and Susan, who quickly set us up with perfectly crafted Single-O coffees and two of their freshly squeezed juices: orange, pineapple and mint; and green apple, lemon and ginger. The red and blue striped paper straws were a nice touch. Matt relies on fresh ingredients sourced from local purveyors, which ensures that everything coming out of the small, but effective kitchen is of the highest quality. Diving into the ‘Before 12’ and ‘After 12’ halves of the menu, Matt recommended the whole kitand-caboodle: corn fritters with avocado, heirloom tomato relish, topped with bacon; Pepe Saya buttermilk pancakes with strawber-

ries, whipped ricotta, maple syrup and pistachios; smashed avocado with truss tomato, Persian fetta, lime, wild rocket, black sesame seeds on miche toast; crispy chicken burger with shaved slaw, hot mayo dressing and shoestring fries; lamb shoulder salad with pearl barley, baby spinach, cherry tomatoes and house-made tzatziki; and a roasted cauliflower, spiced butternut pumpkin, baby spinach, Israeli cous cous, and feta salad. Read it and weep. If food was judged solely by the way it looked, these dishes would win all the awards - the bright, rich colours of the combined elements on each plate were simply stunning. The smashed avocado was perfectly creamy and flavoursome, and the poached eggs oozing over it made it the standout breakfast option, while the 12-hour roasted lamb and in-house made tzatziki was the pick of the lunch options. That said, everything was outstanding, as you’d expect from a seasoned executive chef such as Matt, who was working the pans the whole time. Still with room left in the basement, we devoured some of the delicious home-baked dark chocolate ‘Nemesis’ cake with candied peanuts, banana fritter and vanilla ice cream to finish. This and a range of modern small and large plates are now available at dinner time (after 5pm) on Friday and Saturday nights. Six months in and Coogee has struck gold with Coogee Trade. It’s like fine dining on a budget for Coogee locals and those wise enough to make the trip. Coogee Trade 244 Coogee Bay Road, Coogee Phone 0407 306 743 Instagram @coogeetrade Facebook Open Open daily, 7am-4pm (Sun 7:30am); Dinner Fri/Sat from 5pm Prices $20pp Cards Accepted Yes Licensed Yes

These won't last long.



his blackberry rosemary galette is the perfect fusion of crispy, decadent pastry made from almonds and buckwheat, sweet baked pears, jammy fresh blackberries, and an interesting flavour twist from a rosemary sprinkle. This is minimalist baking at its finest. There’s no need to shape a perfect pie crust here; simply roll dough out into a rustic (read: non-symmetrical) circle, place the filling in the centre, then fold the edges up around the fruit and bake. The rustic shape of this blackberry galette really adds to the character of the dessert. It has a warm, comforting, homemade feel about it. You can serve pie slices with a fresh sprig of rosemary and some coconut milk ice cream for extra decadence, and it’s delicious warm or cool. This galette will most definitely not last long in any household! INGREDIENTS (Serves 6) Pastry ½ cup tapioca flour 1 cup almond meal 1 cup buckwheat flour 1 tbsp tahini

2 tbsp date paste (or coconut sugar) 1 pinch salt ¼ cup hot water Fruit Filling 2 ripe pears, cored and diced 1 punnet fresh blackberries (or raspberries/strawberries) 2 tbsp tapioca flour (or corn flour) 2 tbsp coconut sugar 1 sprig fresh rosemary, stem removed and finely chopped METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 180°C (350°F) 2. Add all pastry ingredients except water to a large bowl and stir until completely combined. Slowly add water and mix until it forms a dough. If the mixture is too dry and crumbly, add a dash more water until it comes together into a ball. 3. Lay out a piece of baking paper on a flat surface and place the dough on top. Flatten slightly with your hands, then lay another sheet of baking paper over the top. 4. Using a rolling pin, roll out the dough to a rough circle, around 1cm in thickness. Remove the top layer of paper and slide the dough and bottom baking sheet onto a baking tray.

5. In a large bowl, combine tapioca flour, coconut sugar and rosemary, then add the pears and blackberries. Stir to coat the fruit pieces in flour. 6. Spoon the fruit filling into the centre of the flattened dough, leaving around 5cm at the edges of the circle. 7. Gently fold the edges of the dough up over the fruit filling and press together any breakages. 8. Place in the oven for around 25 minutes, until the pastry is beautifully golden brown and the filling is jammy and caramelised. 9. Remove from the oven and serve immediately, accompanied by a dollop of coconut ice cream or yoghurt, or cool and serve as a cold dessert later on. Enjoy! Tamika Woods is a Bondi-based Nutritional and Dietetic Medicine student and recipe maker. She is the founder of Sproutly Stories, a health food website designed to encourage spending more time in the kitchen. Her wholesome recipe ideas inspire others to enjoy real food that is conveniently healthy. For more guilt-free recipes, check out April 2017 | The Beast 77

Oh I heard it through the grapevine.

KILLING TIME AT KILIKANOON WINES Words and Picture Alex Russell Instagram @ozwineguy


he Clare Valley is a delightful place, and it boasts a few of my favourite wineries, some of which have been around for an eternity, others springing up more recently. It’s amazing that Kevin Mitchell’s Kilikanoon Wines has only been around for 20 years. It’s picked up some very impressive gongs in that time, including Halliday’s winery of the year in 2013. It’s also one of the first places I recommend to people heading to the Clare Valley. WHITES AND SPARKLING It’s the Clare, so the whites are all about Riesling here. The ‘Killerman’s Run’ Riesling starts proceedings at $20 and is good value. Take a step up and you’ll find the ‘Mort’s Block’ Riesling (named after Kevin’s dad, Mort) for $25. Go up a step further and you’ll find the top tier ‘Mort’s Reserve’ Riesling for about $39. The Reserve is only made in outstanding years, and can cellar for about 30 years, if aged Riesling is your thing. The Block will also go at least 20 years. I’ve got some of both put away for future wedding anniversaries, but all drink well now, too.

78 The Beast | April 2017

For something a bit different, they also have a sparkling Vouvray. This is made in partnership with a leading winemaking house in the Vouvray region of France, and is made mostly of Chenin Blanc. It’s made in the same way as Champagne, albeit using different grapes, and is a bargain at $30 per bottle - crisp and fresh up front, with a little bit of creaminess coming through too. REDS Kilikanoon make a whole bunch of different reds. The ‘Killerman’s Run’ range (a Shiraz, a Cabernet and a GSM for about $20 or less per bottle) is often found in bars and restaurants, and is a safe option for just about any red wine drinker, especially the Shiraz. Take a step up to the ‘Classic Clare’ range and here you’ll find two Shirazes, two Cabernets and a Grenache. The standouts for me are the Prodigal Grenache ($33 for a lovely complex but balanced red) and the Covenant Shiraz ($44 for a drop you can drink young or cellar if you like). The Cabernets are also very good; I just happen to prefer their Shiraz and Grenache.

Head up another step and you’ll find the ‘Oracle’ Shiraz (a personal favourite made from low-yielding vines, and thus very complex , at $80 a bottle) and the ‘Duke Reserve’ Grenache ($80 per bottle, and only made in good vintages). Beyond that, you’ll find the extra special ‘Kelly 1932’ Grenache ($120) and ‘Attunga 1865’ Shiraz ($250). All are incredible, but are also beyond the price range of many of us. There are also a few Shirazes from other South Australian regions. The ‘Testament’ Shiraz is from the Barossa, while the ‘Parable’ is from McLaren Vale. STICKIES Finally, there’s a dessert wine, made from Riesling of course, called ‘Mort’s Cut’. At $30 a bottle, it’s a lighter style and is great with a gooey brie. Kilikanoon also boasts a bunch of wines that are exclusive to wine club members, so sign up. You can order online at www.kilikanoon. Note that the prices are for single bottles, and discounts are available on cases. The reds are perfect for the cooler days ahead.

cumin, sweet paprika and a pinch of salt, and cook for a further 3 minutes. 4. Transfer to a bowl, cover to keep warm and set aside. Make the Salsa 1. Whilst the beef is cooking, toss all ingredients together in a bowl, add Tabasco to taste and set aside. Make the Corn 1. Wipe the frying pan clean, place back on heat and increase heat to high. 2. Drizzle with enough coconut oil to coat the pan lightly, then add corn kernels and paprika and cook for 2 minutes. It should be lightly cooked, but golden in colour.

Worth climbing over a wall for.

15-MINUTE BEEF TACO BOWL Recipe and Image from Seasons to Share by Jacqueline Alwill


verything about Mexican food says ‘a good time’, but it’s actually balance in a bowl, too: balance of our macronutrients - protein, carbs and healthy fats and plenty of colour from a variety of wholefood ingredients boosting up the micronutrient status vitamins, minerals, antioxidants. Health benefits aside, another bonus of this delicious gluten-free, dairy-free and sugar-free beef taco bowl is that it takes just 15 minutes to pull together. Ready for it? Go! INGREDIENTS (Serves 2) Beef Chilli 300g beef mince
 1 tbsp coconut or olive oil
 1 small brown onion, peeled and diced
 1 clove garlic, peeled and sliced
 1/2 red capsicum, seeds removed, chopped 100g cooked black or red kidney beans
 1 tsp ground cumin
 1 tsp sweet paprika

Salsa 200g tomatoes (I use baby heirloom), cut into chunks 1/4 small Spanish onion, peeled and finely diced
 1/4 cup coriander leaves, picked, stems finely chopped 1/4 cup mint leaves, finely sliced
 Juice of half a lime
 Tabasco sauce
 Sea salt and black pepper Taco Add Ons 2 corn cobs, kernels removed
 1/2 tsp smoky or sweet paprika
 1 small avocado
 1 cup red cabbage, finely sliced
 1 tsp apple cider/balsamic vinegar 1/2 lime, cut into 2 wedges
 2 handfuls corn chips

Assemble the Taco Bowl 1. Arrange the ingredients around the bowl and finish by placing half an avocado sprinkled with paprika on top. 2. Squeeze with lime and eat. Bondi local Jacqueline Alwill is a qualified, practicing nutritionist, personal trainer, whole foods cook and, most importantly, mother to Jet. She is committed to improving the health, wellbeing and happiness of all individuals. In her first cookbook, Seasons to Share, Jacqueline has brought together a delightful collection of beautiful seasonal wholefoods recipes for all occasions. Seasons to Share (Murdoch Books) is available now in all good bookstores and online.

METHOD Make the Beef 1. Heat a frying pan on medium heat and add oil, onion, garlic, red capsicum and mince. 2. Cook for 5 minutes, breaking up the beef so it browns easily. 3. Add black/red kidney beans, April 2017 | The Beast 79

























ACROSS 1. Home of the North Queensland Cowboys (10) 7. Two is company; … is a crowd (5) 8. Darkness made by objects blocking the sun (6) 9. Masculine given name invented by Walter Scott in the 1819 novel, ‘Ivanhoe’ (6) 11. Iconic Australian rock band (1,1,1,1) 14. Exclamation of surprise (2) 15. A blessing that made something possible (7) 17. Japanese wrestling (4) 18. Film that didn’t win best picture at the 2017 Oscars (2,2,4) 22. Sediment at the beach (4) 23. Person in charge of a company (1,1,1) 24. A vehicle's capacity to gain speed (12)

DOWN 1. Enter without consent (8) 2. Organisation that celebrates the culture of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples (6) 3. Vista (4) 4. SBS game show, ‘… and Numbers’ (7) 5. Mistake (5) 6. Cleaning solution (6) 10. Non-metallic chemical element that forms black crystals and a violet vapour (6) 12. Relating to evil spirits, devilish (7) 13. Associated with love and affection (7) 16. Parramatta rugby league mascot (3) 19. Swedish pop group (4) 20. Amazonian berry that has become a breakfast food craze (4) 21. Up’s opposite (4) 22. Large warm bath (3)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Madeleine Gray Picture Fernanda Mota Instagram @brunomota 1. True or false: the moststreamed song on Spotify is Natasha Bedingfield’s ‘Pocket Full of Sunshine’? 2. What is the name of Bruce Springsteen’s second album? 3. What sport is competed in just once annually, on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester? 4. Which Aussie author’s novel,

Surf and love. 80 The Beast | April 2017

‘Big Little Lies’ is the subject of a television adaptation starring Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, and Shailene Woodley? 5. President Trump recently exercised executive orders to revive construction of which pipeline across Sioux sacred sites? 6. Which country is bordered by Panama and Nicaragua?

7. In which layer of the Earth’s atmosphere are you most likely to find a noctilucent cloud? 8. Does a sarcastic fringehead have feathers, fur or fins? 9. Who won Best Actor in a Supporting Role at this year’s Oscars? 10. A statue of who stands at the top of the stairs at Wylie’s Baths?

GEMINI MAY 21-JUN 21 Selling your house - or never buying one in the first place - guarantees you a month of overseas travel every year for the rest of your life.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 Despite the fact you haven't eaten a corn cob for god knows how long, a kernel will make a surprise appearance in your underpants.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 23 Try and avoid any kind of human interaction. You are genetically predisposed to being an arsehole, but this month it will be even worse.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 22 Before you blow a fortune buying another guitar/surfboard/bike, etc. invest some time learning to use the first one properly.

LEO JUL 24-AUG 23 You need to be ruthless in the pursuit of your goals by removing anyone who stands in your way, even if it's your own mother.

CAPRICORN DEC 23-JAN 20 If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, make sure they learn what it feels like to come home to a lonely, abandoned nest.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 Don't get your dad to buy you cream for your itchy eyes, because you might end up with hemorrhoid cream for your itchy arse.

VIRGO AUG 24-SEP 23 You're allowed to laugh at anyone who's had their lips blown up with collagen. By making them feel stupid you are actually helping them.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Are you a rational person who believes in science-based evidence? Or a rusted-on flat earther who thinks vaccines cause autism?

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 20 The world is full of functioning drug addicts. Don't let fear of the unknown come between you and a bloody good time.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 If you don't man up and change jobs within a month of reading this, you will be stuck doing the same boring shit until the day you retire.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 All the free overtime you do is making your co-workers look lazy, which makes them hate you, and your boss doesn't even appreciate it.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. False 2. The Wild, the Innocent, & the E Street Shuffle 3. Cheese-rolling 4. Liane Moriarty 5. The Dakota Access Pipeline 6. Costa Rica 7. The mesosphere 8. Fins 9. Mahershala Ali 10. Mina Wylie (Olympic swimming silver medallist) 1
















82 The Beast | April 2017





























A 10





E 19

















M 18










P 24



O 22



S 17



P 11


E 8



















The Beast - April 2017  

The April 2017 edition of The Beast featuring Pete Evans...

The Beast - April 2017  

The April 2017 edition of The Beast featuring Pete Evans...