BGA second edition

The bad The good he average

Welcome back, my loves Haven't you just missed me so?

I am so very excited to share my newest, most delectable stories. This past month, I have been up to some very naughty things; whether they all worked out is inconsequential I've missed you all so very much and have so much to tell you Should we start with orgasm denial, dating advice or just general rants about my lack of a dating life? This month, I have 2-day dates, hotel hookups and failed lesbian bisexual moments (NOTE to self: never attempt to sleep with a heartbroken catholic girl again ) I'm shivering at the thought of telling you all about my inability to understand how to properly have and or give orgasms (a reference to my failed lesbian catastrophe)

At this point, the universe is honestly just making me do things for the plot line I think she would say I should " go with the flow," but what if the flow is, in reality, a river and the universe is quite literally trying to drown me?

That wouldn't be very chill of her, would it?

That would actually be fairly bitchy of her

Does that say something about me? That I think the universe is a royal cunt? Maybe it does, but maybe I'm just a realist

Some would question if I'm not just outright delusional; others would call it crazy Maybe instead of a realist, I'm just a comic with rose-tinted glasses and an affinity for blood-pumping cardio (never will I be referring to a treadmill; this isn't one of those kinds of columns, love)

Well, my caterpillars and butterflies, welcome back to the second edition of the bad, the good and the average Strap in, strap on and let's go for a ride As some random white man has probably said, there's no time for foreplay; let's get straight into it

With love, Indigo

E X I S T E N T I A L C R I S I S

Dear readers

What happens when an extremely bisexual woman has an existential crisis about her sexuality?

What happens when said woman realises that maybe she doesn't like fucking women as much as she likes fucking men?

(I know I hate myself for this to don't you worry)

What happens when you ' ve always thought you ' re something but turn out to be completely different?

I'd suggest getting drunk

But that's not necessarily a healthy coping mechanism

But are we in this to be the best versions of ourselves, or are we in this to survive and hope for the best along the way?

I've kissed and been with multiple women, and I've come to the realisation that maybe I don't enjoy it as much as when I am with a man,

But then I question if I like being with men in the first place, and that's a 50/50 coin toss-up

Generally, I do, but sometimes I can't stand it

This, my lovelies, leads to my questioning if I even like being with anyone

Maybe that's just the introvert in me talking I know I like sex, so you can see where my existential crisis comes into play

If I don't want to fuck women, and I only sometimes like to fuck men, what am I left with?

But as I was saying

What does that leave me with I'll tell you what

Horny, confused and only sexually attracted to a small group of people and my vibrator, of course

so you see how I'm at a crossroads with my vagina at the moment?

She's an insatiable bitch, what can I say

An insatiable bitch with a picky attitude

But this leaves me to question how I've ended up on/ in so many completely terrible, average dates

If my vagina is picky

My brain and heart are not on the same page

They seem to be in a completely different book at this

SUIT GUY

Sex with suit guy was impersonal; it was a midafternoon booty call to my flat, slightly spontaneous, slightly out of boredom. He was muscular and dropped his belongings right at the front of my door; if I had to guess, it was to make a quick exit after what I could only describe as a procedure-like endeavour

I asked if he wanted a drink, and he said something about seeing my bedroom

I don't even think I took off what I have now coined as my orange sex dress (what can I say, folk, I'm extraordinarily creative or something like that)

There was no foreplay, and it was only doggy.

Bent over my bed, lacking general lubrication, he began thrusting

There were various issues with this method of sexual endeavour,

Number 1: the sex was obviously not optimal for my enjoyment.

Number 2: he didn't say a single word or make a single sound the whole time we were fucking

Number 3: due to said lack of lubricant and said un optimal position, queefing was the only sound that was heard throughout the apartment (and if you aren't aware as to what queef means, in the context of fucking it's a bubble of air, that pops as you are fucking)

So popping vagina in hand and dignity somewhere on Mars, just as fast as he had cum he was gone

I can't lie to you; embarrassment wasn't what I felt, especially when I was trying so hard not to laugh into my bed sheets; it was more a general disappointment in my standards and a reminder to buy/use lubricant the next time.

Now, gentle folk, one would assume that the disaster of a one-afternoon stand would end there, but it didn't He, in fact, texted again, wanting to know if I wanted to do a threesome with a friend, and then months later, I got a cheeky little "round two?" Tinder message from him

Suit guy may not have been the love of my life, or given me an orgasm, or said more than three words to me that day But someone should award his enthusiasm and optimism or stupidity, whatever sounds better to you, loves

This my loves was surprisingly an average encounter.

That wasn't my only little adventure that Sunday, but that story is for another time.

With love and lube, Indigo

The queer community warns you about falling for the straights; they tell you that there are women that want to "test the waters" and think that they may be bisexual, and "just one kiss" would help them realise that they are, in fact sexually attracted to men, they just don't happen to like men

This, my suns and moons, is the sticky trap that I unfortunately fell into.

Let me set the scene

I'm at a flat party, and it's giving a weird crossover scene between two shows that have nothing in common except for them having funny side characters that end up bonding for one episode

Anyway, I'm there with two friends, sitting on a couch talking, and there's some drama between my group and another group (this becomes important to note, in case you like to know about other people's business)

So where was I? Ah, yes, drama

Tense glancing and slight judgment lead to way more intense alcohol drinking, and I am very reasonably tipsy

I leave my friends and manoeuvre my way out of the cramped kitchen and into a slightly less cramped hallway; I say hi to a group of girls, and they say hi back, blah blah blah

And oops, I'm kissing someone in the kitchen (this is not our main contender of the night, unfortunately) And now I'm in the hallway again; I say hi to that group of girls again, We slide down the hallway wall and start a conversation, sharing stories and booze.

This is where our story starts

She's across from me, very pretty, slightly tipsy, very smiling at me, and I am very, very horny all the goddamn time (I wonder if that should be concerning?)

I don't ever have success with women most of the time, mainly because they are INTIMIDATING (if you are a non-straight woman and reading this, I love you, please go out with me ;) So we start talking, and she says we would be great friends, and we share Instagrams, and there's smiling, and I am an Idiot

She says she goes to church, sings the songs and prays on Sundays and believes God might forgive her for kissing a girl I am interrupted by my friends leaving; they ask if I'm ok I tell them how the night is going I look at church girl and say I'll stay a bit longer They leave, and I'm back in the alcohol and flirty haze

One thing leads to another, and she's taking me home. For a straight girl, she sure knew how to make my bisexual brain say yes.

And now we are in her kitchen She's nervous like she won't stop talking about how she hasn't ever done this before.

The door alarm starts ringing

We are kissing.

I'm in her bed

She's under me.

I am kissing her, Consent is sexy, so I ask if she's comfortable, if this is ok, and if she's sure, she moans yes

"You're better than any man I've ever been with" (cough cough, someone needs to slap me back to reality)

She seemed nervous

She said not to stop, I didn't

And then we both gave up.

It was done, no one finished, I had all my clothes on, the alcohol was non-existent, she had an early morning, and I had class.

"Stay," she said; I lay beside her, the door alarm still ringing.

But everything was tense, I was awkward, and I didn't know what to say (as expected)

And then salvation struck, and I had an out, and I was once again walking home at midnight, no orgasms in sight and trying to comprehend what had just happened.

This is what they warn you about: girls who don't like girls, broken self-esteem, and, of course, missing orgasms.

Later I would learn that church girl was telling people about this particular interaction, sharing how awkward everything was and how bad of an experience it was, and that she's probably not that into women or something along those lines.

And all I can say, love, is I hope she finds what she's looking for, and I hope I can finally find someone who wants to give me more than just regret and what I can only describe as the female equivalent of blue balls.

With love, Indigo

Ok, my loves, I think I've officially lost my mind

With all the work that life has been these past few, well, let's face it, years.

I think just trying to live a standard drama-free life seems harder than it should be (one questions if this is as much fun as a non-normal drama-free life, but you get my vibes)

And with everything just being well everything, let transparent; it is not all too optimal

But are we going to let that stop us from trying Maybe

But should that stop us?

No probably not

So, without further anticipation, here's my little tips and to having a non-existential crisis (patented but not always proven to work)

2.

Sometimes life just feels better after a shower; my lovelies

1. And if showering isn't your thing, maybe you need to dance in your underwear

3. Sometimes, all you gotta do is have an orgasm ;) (I am endorsing orgasms; let that be known)

5.

Not a fan of dancing? Fancy some coffee or perhaps a drink? (I'm not endorsing drinking, let that be known)

4. Not an orgasm kind of person, maybe a cheeky little piece of chocolate cake could fix all your troubles

Anyway with this said, don't confuse my attempts at sharing fun little tips on how to feel slightly less blah as me saying that everything will work or that this is the right way to do things

ABSOLUTELY no one knows what to do (especially white men that control the world and still can't seem to find the clit)

And no one should tell you what to do

And especially not some random person on the internet that has a shitty dating life and unhealthy coping mechanisms

With all the love,

Hi my loves

if you ’ ve made it this far I’m so excited that I have at least captured some of your attention

I sometimes feel like my little corner of the internet is very much giving screaming through a megaphone with no speaker

But I’m happy to share everything with all of you, (I’m never one to hold back)

It’s so crazy to me that this is the end of my second edition of the bad the good and the average

But I can ’ t wait to have the third edition roaming out and about soon

With love, lube, and missed orgasms

Indigo

thebadthegoodtheaverage