SpaceWhy Fails 1st-Stage Landing into Missile Silo
Dandy Germanname Cybernetic Enhancements Manager
Exactly 4 hours and 5 seconds before you read this, SpaceWhy (formerly named Musky Rocket Industries) launched their Hawk 8 from a missile silo in Nebraska’s None-such Military Base. Their mission was to send their second stage into orbit around the moon and bomb the Commie Nuclear-Facility on the dark side of the moon. As any 12-year-old with a diploma in Agricultural Studies can tell you, there are only three things on the dark side of the moon: Darth Vader, Pink Floyd, and the Commies. The second stage itself is in transit to the moon, but the mission-critical objective to bring the first stage back into the silo was what everyone had their eyes glued to the radio for. We all watched, listened, felt, tasted, and smelled when the first stage turned around after separation and boosted back towards Earth. And like any 48-year-old with no education at all can tell you, if it had
not boosted back, it would have fallen into the sun, exploded, and ended all life on Earth. The rocket was on its exact course into the silo, and everything was going well. Unfortunately for Musky Rocket Industries (now known as SpaceWhy), the Hawk 8’s iconic landing legs deployed into their characteristic rhombus-rectangular shape. As any 24-year-old with a degree in Organic Chemistry can tell you, it is near impossible to fit a square peg in a round hole. Which is exactly what the Hawk 8 attempted to do, just 3 hours and 15 minutes ago. As the rocket descended, legs deployed, it made contact with the sides of the missile silo. SpaceWhy reported that their rocket then entered sub-protocol “Personal Space Bubble,” and blew the fuck up. The resultant explosion has been classified and publicly stated as “no more than an explosion caused by a gas leak” by the Scaryoff’s favorite governmental body: Department of Institutionalized Classification and Keeping Secrets.