Spring 2013 AviOFF

Today.

New dorm for female amputees Galctic President Supersatar McAwesomeville

ideally. However, the odds of yeast and mold infections occuring could be a problem.

Construction is set to begin as soon as Kwisatz Haderach the Plank determines the most inconvenient The Plank of Distrustees approved time to get rid of Apollo, most likely in the plans for construction of Watson Hall on fall of 2013.

Tuesday. Due to the success of the Chick The new dorm hall will include features Diplomats program which increased the such as finger scanners which will open female ratio of Humpty-Diddle Airplane the doors after residents of the hall swipe School to 19.7%, new sleeping accomtheir finger over a reader in the shape of modations had to be built for the building. Dyson Air Blades, the new number females MORE GIRLS FOR which no one will use, will also living on campus. be installed in all the common EVERYONE! The new ratio means bathrooms and suites to maintain that for every 4 guys on camwith Humpty-Diddle’s green and pus now there is 98% of a “efficient” initiative. girl, decreasing the degree Despite the ongoing construcof amputation per girl on tion on campus, McKay Hall campus. Watson Hall will be will not be torn down and updatan all-girls dormitory located to reflect the current standard ed where Apollo Hall currently highway motel structure, which was resides. the inspiration for the building when The new building will be an it was first conceptualized. oval shaped, all-girls dorm keepWhen asked about the decision to ing in with the same theme as keep McKay, Favela and Squatters Phallic Complex; however, Life had this to say, “We are keeping Watson Hall will not folMcKay to make it clear to the stulow in the footsteps of dent body that we are adamant in our Phallic, and smell like commitment to maintain male and genitals and urine, at least female separation on our campus.”

Attack on the Humpty-Diddle soil Ron Maroon

Coyote News Network DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. – A blatant terror attack occurred on Humpty-Diddle soil Mon. at 8 a.m. as Christian Fundamentalists targeted the Unwelcome Center and has destroyed the fountain system, causing over $100,000 worth of damages.

Two suspects wearing ski masks, blue jeans and black t-shirts were seen leaving the scene as the student body stumbled into school in the early morning in a zombielike state.

The fountains and pool outside the unwelcome center started to bubble and foam up as the soap powder thrown in by the terror-

ists worked its way through the system. The ensuing foam and lather overflowed and spread its way to the surrounding area, covering the grass, bridge, and roads.

Dr. Jimmy John, University President decried the attack, “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

“I thought they were just students who had really ugly faces,” said Hutch Starsky, Director of Campus Danger, in response as to why no safety officer investigated the people in ski masks.

Further investigation is underway as the Campus Danger department looks into finding the terrorists. In the meantime, the squirrels are enjoying their bubble bath.

WARNING! The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously.

All articles, photographs and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!

Page 1+1 Kamptopus University announces brand new Airplane Hospitality Major The Avioff, Today

Rainbow Unicorn Chief of Magic

Last Thursday, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School announced their newest efforts to even out the male-female ratio.

Beginning in Fall 2013, students can enroll in the Bachelors of Science Airplane Hospitality major, in which they will train to be flight attendants.

The BSAH program will only be open to students who pass a strict physical evaluation, meeting a height between 5’5” and 5’7”, and a weight no greater than 115 lbs. After this, candidates for the program will be subjected to a close examination for any imperfections to the body.

Those who pass will begin training using virtual games like Diner Dash to learn how to serve passengers quickly and efficiently.

Once they have mastered those skills,

they will be allowed to move on to Humpty-Diddle’s brand new Airplane Hospitality Simulators. These will give students the ability to learn how to serve passengers in a more realistic manner.

In their senior year, BSAH students will be moved to the Flight Line, in which they will take shifts as flight attendants for pilots of the HDAS fleet.

During their shifts, they will be required to meet the pilot’s every wish and need, no matter how outrageous, as this will be what is expected of them in the industry.

Most students are reacting positively to the changes. “We need flight attendants here at HDAS. Sometimes when I’m on solo flights I get really, really, really lonely,” says sophomore Matt Bater. Another student, Ridel Visson, commented, “Flight attendants are hot.”

Dr. Jimmy John has been working carefully with Campus Statistics Inc.

Photo Courtesy /http://fc05.deviantart.net/

to research the effects that the addition will have on campus. “We have concluded that the addition of the Flight Attendant major will increase the number of females on campus by 75%,” he

says, “we also predict that the average attractiveness of females will go from 4 to 9. That just can’t be bad.”

Brace yourselves. The women are coming.

form of feedback.

“When you make something anonymous it adds more value to the statement, because people are able to speak freely without external stressors,” said student Meg Ryan, “this is probably the best program SAG has enacted since the yellow umbrella adoption program. It will be just as effective.”

The SAG encourages you to submit your thoughts, concerns, questions and tomfoolery as often as possible. Not all submissions will be addressed, but all will be displayed on the TV screens around campus.

Be careful when naming individuals, using lewd language or describing scenarios – use your best grammar and spelling skills so that your submission cannot be mistaken.

Another positive change for the university is the unveiling of the ERAU crushes Facebook page. In an effort to better serve students needs, the SAG was looking into an escort or matchmaking service when they realized they had a dating tool at their fingertips.

After a meeting last Thursday with the SAG, the administrator of the ERAU Crushes page decided to no longer publish anonymous crushes – identifying those who submit their crushes to the page. Thanks to this daring move students everywhere are finding love.

“I was nervous I’d get rejected,” said student Jacob Malfoy. “But now that the site is no longer anonymous, I’m getting more action than a Riddle Skyhawk on fire at the end of the taxiway.”

The ratio of single to attached persons has drastically decreased over the weekend. The SAG is working with health services to order more contraceptive devices that may be available at the SAG desk in lieu of candy for the next few weeks.

Flavors available upon special request.

One of the more exciting changes made by the SAG is the addition of a full wet bar, scheduled to be installed this week.

Students will soon be able to grab a mimosa in the morning, a brewski with lunch or a much-needed martini following afternoon exams.

SAG will be hiring a licensed bar tender and will be extending office hours Monday-Thursday until 9pm to accommodate this new service. Safe ride will be provided.

The SAG saw the provision of alcohol to off-age students, faculty and staff to be a liberating and important service. Not only will it promote creative thinking, collaboration and socializing – it will help engineers exponentially kill brain cells in an effort to increase their brainpower.

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first,” said professor Jack Daniels.

“Regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

The SAG advises that pilots and business majors should not try this as a means of studying or boost before an exam, the SAG doesn’t have that much alcohol. Be sure to stop by the SAG office to grab your very own SAG koozy or limited edition flask for portable ease.

SAG, serving students and their interests. Any comments, suggestions or confessions should be submitted to the new confessions boxes located throughout campus.

SAG makes positive changes to better serve its student body Whiskey Jameson Heavy Drinker

SAG makes changes to better serve its students After a majority vote by the SAG Executive Board, it was decided last week that all yellow campus suggestion boxes were changed to reflect the increasingly popular ERAU confessions Facebook page. It was determined that

the new confessions boxes would boost morale, school spirit and promote healthy criticism of the campus, its staff and students.

The SAG believed their yellow suggestion boxes could be better utilized as a hub for complaints, rants and suggestions – what’s more, the submissions are completely anonymous. Though the Facebook page still stands, it is the hope of the SGA that the boxes will become the primary

A message from your friendly school-keeping staff Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville

Kwisatz Haderach Consuela would like to remind you to please use the Dyson airblades conveniently located only in the male A-frame Building bathrooms to clean up any spills that may occur while you are going to class and living out of the labs.

We’ll take this moment to remind you that no one uses the airblades therefore they are greener and more efficient so as long as no one uses them to clean either, we will be cleaner and more efficient in cleaning up spills. A final reminder from the school-keeping staff, please don’t flush the Dyson airblades down the toilets and be on the lookout for greener and more efficient initiatives, when we get rid of all the drying methods in all the male bathrooms on campus, as well as all the napkins in the Udent Center.

Page (√81)/3 Avioff Uranus is raw: New TP for HDAS The Avioff, Today.

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville Kwisatz Haderach

After much deliberation and disagreement the Plank of Distrustees has given the go-ahead to campus Difficulties Management to upgrade all toilet paper in Humpty-Diddle bathrooms to 24 grit industrial sandpaper.

For those who are unaware, in the past many students in Systeme International Lab who have to work in English units; senior design class; materials classes, as well as AMS majors have been using the campus toilet paper to smooth out the rough parts of their projects.

Through the use of the school’s toilet paper many students were able to accomplish what would take 15 minutes with a powered sander in less than 10 seconds; though you always had to wad up the paper to the size of a basketball to make sure you didn’t tear through the singly-ply paper

with your finger.

This unintended and inefficient use of the university’s service has enraged many members high up in the CoC as apparently the paper was only ever intended to sand away the roughness of Uranus.

Despite the way the CoC feels, Difficulties Management has been actually looking out for the student’s interests in replacing the current single-ply toilet paper with 24 grit sandpaper.

One representative of Difficulties Management who commented on the condition of anonymity as they are not allowed to show concern or interest for the student body’s wellbeing said “[we] wanted to increase the softness and quality of paper provided to the students on campus”.

The new 24 grit industrial sandpaper will be 20 times softer than the current toilet

Gatorland Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville Kwisatz Haderach

In response to the recent terrorist attack

by Amish Christian fundamentalist on the new Unwelcome Center the Freshman Class Triumvirate will be donating live gators for the moat of the new Unwelcome Center.

The trained gators are to aid in the defense of the Unwelcome Center against future attacks by insurgent forces as well as to discourage current students from making unsolicited excursions to the Unwelcome Center.

Due to problems Florida gators have had in the past with the cult of Dionysus a t

Humpty-Diddle; the gators being donate

by Freshman Class Triumvirate have been trained in the disposal of any Greeks wearing nonsensical words on a shirt, as well as attempting to kidnap them to boost their bankrupt City-State’s economy.

In addition to the trained gators being donated by the Freshman Class Triumvirate, Supreme Leader Jim Jimson is set to acquire a cannon for the Starboard side of Jim Jimson’s Yacht christened “The Unwelcome Center”.

The cannon will be for staff located in Col. Jimson’s yacht to use in deterring unwelcome students from making their way over to the yacht; however, with the addition of a cannon to the starboard side of Jimson’s yacht and due to certain maritime laws, all faculty and staff situated in “The Unwelcome Center” will henceforth be required to wear life vests so long as they are aboard the yacht.

The new defense measures, once instituted, will keep The Unwelcome Center safe from future attacks except in the case of an aerial attack where it will depend on the fleet of Cessna 172s to repel enemy F-15s. Despite the measures taken to defend Jim Jimson’s yacht in the case of future attack the rest of the campus will have to call upon its pretend armed forces to cross Clyde Morris via a single bridge and defend the campus.

I don’t always build new building but when I do I tear three others down.

They had to improve the ratio somehow.... http://frank-raccoon.deviantart.com

paper in the restroom and should prevent past problems of tear-thrus and raw ass.

Though the new toilet paper will still be able to sand most projects and work, the Plank of Distrustees also approved bathroom monitors to make sure students are not

taking the sandpaper out of the bathroom and using it for anything other than what the plank wants you to.

PHOTO COURTESY WIKIPEDIA (THE UNRELIABLE SOURCE EVERYONE USES)

Savor this article, for it may be the last you ever read.

Rainbow Unicorn Chief of Magic

What started as online virus has manifested into a deadly disease, shutting down the Avion Office indefinitely.

The problem started about three weeks ago, when Avion staff members were spending unreasonable amounts of time playing the popular Facebook Game, Candy Crush. Soon after, the “Crush” virus morphed out of the computer and infected them.

The Screen Actors Guild (SAG) were quick to respond, locking the Office doors, disinfecting equipment, shutting off the electricity and sending the severely afflicted to mental institutions.

However, they still want students to watch for

these symptoms: Extreme unproductiveness, strained eyes, foaming at the mouth and unnaturally muscular pointer fingers.

“Candy Crush… it’s --- it’s everywhere,” says sophomore Perry Noid, an Avioff staff member. He’s been locked in his room for the past week playing the game. “Watch out,” he says, “It’s coming for you next.”

The Avion is happy to report that it’s other staff members are slowly healing, with many of them being 72 hours or more Candy Crush sober, yet they still fear relapse. If all goes as planned, however, you should expect another copy of the Avion on the stands next Tuesday.

PHOTO COURTESY DEVIANTART.COM

This is an intentional blank box. *This box is blank because for a campus of over 5,000, apparently only 12 people on campus can write articles....

Udent Death Avion to Avión: Say hello to tequila The Avioff,

Page 00000101

Today

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville Kwisatz Haderach

As many of you are aware, the Plank of Distrustees has approved the teardown of the Udent Center (UC) to be replaced by a new Udent Union (UU). Due to this development project the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has been forced to reassess all its divisions and projects and unfortunately the Avion must announce that once the Udent Center

IMAGE FROM BRANDSTORIES.NET

is torn down the Avion will be discontinued.

Though the Avion will no longer be in production, Humpty-Diddle retains all name rights and will be opening a tequila distillery in the new Udent Union, in partnership with Tequila Avión.

The new tequila distillery in the Udent Union will provide a new source of revenue for HumptyDiddle Airplane School as well as some hands on experience for PE students taking advanced chemistry and stoichiometry.

The Tequila will be sold at all Sudexoh on campus retailers for five times the suggested retail and may be available in local bars depending on the profit margins. In conjunction with the teardown of the Udent Center, the East Lawn will be tilled and repurposed to grow the agaves that will be used in the new Avion distillery.

After the first batch of free student labor tequila is ready, Sudexoh will open a margarita bar at the flight center to promote the sale of Avión tequila and Humpty-Diddle can rake in commission from FAA fines.

When asked what his thoughts on the new distillery were, the most interesting man in the world had this to say “I always drink when I fly, but when I checkride I prefer Avión”.

Parking problems solved by PS103 students Phil Fish

Faculty Plant The students enrolled in PS 103 for Spring 2013 have won a $3M grant from the internal research fund for a project that has alleviated the parking woes for Humpty-Diddle Airplane School.

This plan assures that individuals are no more than 500 m from their car at any time.

At 5:05 am on April 1, 2013, a 500-m radius circular cross-section of campus, centered at Starbacks, was elevated approximately 3.382 meters for 1.314 hours. While this portion of the campus was elevated, a giant flywheel was slipped underneath and then the campus was carefully lowered.

Now, technicians are carefully programming the flywheel computer for “Lazy Susan” rotation according to the following specs: The flywheel will have an average period of rotation of 10 minutes, providing eight minutes of uniform rotation and 2 minutes at rest. The rest period is provided for aging faculty to gain access to the campus since it is doubtful they could manage stepping on board otherwise, being that the tip speed approximates 15 mph. The campus will rotate counterclockwise, since we are located in the Northern Hemisphere.

“We are attempting to help students visualize Humpty-Diddle as a ‘low pressure’ environment, thus the counterclockwise spin,” said Chancellor/Provost/COA/ Ricky Hoist.

It is likely, however, that student rollerbladers will be flung from the flywheel if they venture too close to the edge.

Administrators decided, however, that this is acceptable, since it will put physics professors on the spot attempting to explain why there is no such thing as “centrifugal force.”

Computers will monitor shifts in population on the flywheel as it rotates and adjust power requirements in order to maintain a constant torque to counter balance shifts in moment of inertia and thereby maintain uniform angular velocity.

Much research was done in order to determine what portion of the campus should be placed on the giant “Lazy Susan.” Basketball Coach Stove Rudder was adamant about having the Fieldhouse remain on terra firma and not on the flywheel. “The extra added Coriolis force would be a hardship for the bucketball team,” says Rudder. His argument won the favor of researchers, so the Fieldhouse will not be placed on the flywheel.

The purpose of the installation of a giant Lazy Susan is to cut down the transit time from remote portions of campus. In the

past when students arrive to a class in COA-Building, they could use the tried and one-in-a-while true excuse “I just got out of class in the ROTC Building.”

Now, with the Lazy Susan installed, COABuilding will travel right past the ROTC complex once every 10 minutes.

Humanities faculty who teach “critical thinking” skills see the installation of the flywheel as an incentive for students to come up with more viable and creative excuses for their tardiness, thereby enhancing creativity. “It’s a win-win situation,” Mo PhotoShop, Program Coordinator of Something-or-other, was overheard saying. “The installation of this flywheel will also give Avion reporters a chance to, omg, they’re bringing twinkies back! The new Pope is already preforming miracles!”

Both the Aeronautical Science and Mathematics Departments also applaud the idea of having a portion of the campus revolve. Former Aero Science Chair Mike Wigwam said that this will give students extra drill in figuring out which way is north, and since the answer if changing with respect to time, it provides calculus drill as well. Just to arrive at the appropriate building at the appropriate time, students will have to be more aware of crosswind components (vector drill), tacking for position, and crabbing into the wind. ROTC cadets will be involved in

constant maneuvers.

For rather obvious reasons, imbibing of alcoholic beverages will be allowed while on the Lazy Susan. It is hoped that the rotation will discourage townspeople who are coming on campus to spend their hard earned money on the new Free Tobacco Policy. “Everyone else has to pay for tobacco” said student SGA representative Nicotine “Nicky” Skoal. “All the other citizens of Daytona Beach have to pay for tobacco. The free stuff is just for our tuition paying students.”

This reporter has learned that a number of females groups across campus are concerned about the campus being placed on a “Lazy Susan.” “It gives an unfair impression of female students you know,” said student Suzy Sloth, “and we are searching for an alternate terminology for the flywheel -- perhaps one that is not genderspecific.”

Alternate suggestions have been pouring in with the most promising terminology (naturally an aviation term) being “Lazy Eight.” This could work, since the flywheel rotates for eight minutes and stays at rest for two, providing the periodicity of 10 minutes.

Installation and programming of the new flywheel begins within the week, and rotation is expected to be in place for A-term classes. PS 103 students rule!

Tobacco free policy announcement cause for lockdown Phil Fish

Faculty Plant Humpty-Diddle security placed the campus under a lock-down on Monday, April 1, when the local news affiliate reported the new Tobacco Free Policy (TFP). Nicotine addicts from throughout Central Florida came to campus in search of free tobacco.

When officers attempted to tell the individuals that there was no “free tobacco,” the crowd argued and insisted they

heard it announced on television by President Jimmy John himself. Security explained that there is a misunderstanding -- the President announced that the campus is “tobacco free.”

“That’s what we heard,” said Buzz Buckley, originally f r o m Winston-Salem, NC. “Humpty-Diddle is the place where tobacco is free. Just tell

us where to get some and we will be on our way!”

“I guess the way you guys can afford to give away free tobacco is due to all of that tuition,” said Suzy Maverick. “In today’s econ-

omy, this will certainly help my struggling family.”

A new press release was quickly generated explaining that the previous announcement was in error.

It explained, “Embry Riddle does not have a “Tobacco Free Policy (TFP),” we have a “Transitive Fundamental Purge (TFP)” in progress to encourage all parties to ....you know.

The mistake was blamed on autocorrect.

The Avioff, Today

Sausages!

President clears up all confusion Phil Fish

Faculty Plant Today at Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, President Jimmy John held a press conference in which he discussed the affiliated alacrity dissipating through the cornucopia’s bosh in the student quintessence on the Spring Break Beach Campus.

“I’ll make this easy,” said John. “I have assured the Plank of Distrustees that the solution is short and sweet.”

He explained that the systematized reciprocal capability of the functional logistical analysis became so integrated that the modular factors are totally inoperative. The newly synchronized transitional mobility was overwhelmingly coordinated with the recapitulation of cumulative resignations allowing for unprecedented modernistic wont for ubiquitous discouragements.

“See, it’s so easy!” said John. “I can’t believe those of you directly involved didn’t think of this.” He went on to iterate the responsive creative flexibility of the analogous guidelines.

1) When the initiatory sovereign executed the organizational contingencies, the compatible monitored procedures were versatile, but no more. Now the extended management of the transitional factors are commensurate.

2) The asymptotic athenaeum is becoming defunct. With such a modular determination, the ephemeral impermanence to inaugurate a mercurial environment where the capricious ambitions are sequential. A progressive conviction will precipitate a penchant for the inebriated.

3) Finally, the geographic internet will provide interdiction for the bereft of encyclopedic smarts. This will embellish the School’s echelon among adolescent aeronautica.

“This is so juvenile,” continued Johnson.

“I hope this will be accepted with no further discussion.”

After such a plethora of incontrovertible of academic discourse about the Haglund taxation, it is indubitable that this motif will be broached repeatedly as co-conspirators reverberate the junta that this collusion will unequivocally inseminate.

Could there then be a union?

The subsequent purview will disseminate the esoteric pneumate to hermetic abridgments of the arcane aberrations.

The populace anticipates the trivial dissidence with the serendipitous jocundity with portentous cognizance through the easy potency. The verve sought by the callow innuendo is inexorable.

This actuates us to endorse the inducement of the documentation that posterity will be more sagacious.

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HDAS to switch out fleet for ‘thopters Captain Yossarian B-25 Bombardier

Humankind’s desire to be airborne has long been inspired by birds. We look to the sky and see how gracefully they fly and how effortlessly they soar. Yet, despite numerous designs based upon bird flight, many of which were largely unsuccessful, the majority of our aircraft have been pitifully fixed winged. Discoveries in ornithology and developments in engineering have managed to cure this ill and produce the first working Ornithopter back in July of 2005. Since then numerous companies have taken up the technology.

The Ornithopter looks much like an airplane, but with larger wings. The wings flap to produce thrust and can also be oriented to make best use of thermals and air currents. This means that it is significantly quieter than most traditional aircraft. ‘thopters are very maneovreable and can turn or roll on a dime.

Last week, Humpty Diddle Airplane School finalized plans to replace their current fleet with Ornithopters by Summer 2014. Learning to fly an Ornithopter is notably simpler than traditional aircraft, as the main control systems are a set of sleeves, which the pilot puts his arms in and flaps them up and down. Linear actuators along the flexible wing then carry out

this motion.

Significantly more fuel-efficient and with much more control than traditional aircraft, ‘thopters are taking over large sections of the aviation industry; several airlines, including Dolta and Divided, have already declared their intent to switch their entire fleets to ‘thopters before 2022. Sir Richard Manson, CEO of Slut Atlantic Airlines, has stated in a press conference in 2008, “the ‘thopter is the greatest invention since sliced bread”.

Developed collaboratively by the Boing Company and Airvan, the technology was originally designed as a way to improve fuel economy and decrease overhead on large-scale commercial airliners, but has spread into other areas of aviation. Luxury and Business Ornithopters have been in development by Golfscream and light aircraft are in production by Flautist Aircraft.

The military has also expressed interest in the concept, and has released no information about “unnamed ornithopter project”.

Which probably means that it will be a really expensive bomber.

The FAA has expressed concerns though; after a close call last month where an Ornithopter stalled and dropped 2000 feet before the pilot could regain control. Long time pilot James Bigglesworth reported that his “arms were really itchy” and he needed to scratch them.

The Avioff, Today

More WTF.

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Dong-removal devices Touch-N-Go admin fired over controversy to be installed in COA Ben Dover

Plank of Distrustees As the entertainment division of the Student Government Association, Touch-N-Go Productions is responsible for managing entertainment events to the entire ERAU Community. Eight individuals serve on the Executive Board of Touch-N-Go and each one is finetuned towards a particular set of skills that together create incredible events.

On Friday, March 29th Touch-N-Go Productions held the annual game show night in the Student Center featuring BONK! The event was running smoothly as the staff prepared to greet the audience members with punch cards and free concessions. “Everything was going great. Nobody expected what would happen next,” quotes Mark Millimet, ViceChairperson of TNG. At approximately 8:15 PM a strange aura filled the student center. The organization recently purchased a popcorn machine and was known to frequently provide all audience members with a bag free of change. Popcorn and other concessions are managed by the Administrative

Coordinator of TNG; Tara Halt, however, was missing. General Board members became anxious with fear – without any popcorn how would the audience better enjoy the free event? It was then tasked to Gopi Thotakura, Security Coordinator of TNG, to locate the missing Admin and the popcorn machine. “I slowly walked throughout the student center until I came to the TNG Office. What I saw… I will never forget,” recalls Gopi as he tears up in the arms of the security staff. While the details are too intense to describe it has been disclosed that Tara Halt kidnapped the popcorn machine and was hoarding all the delicious kernels for herself; the vast majority of the popcorn barricaded the office shut and the staff was forced to watch in horror as they would not enjoy popcorn that night.

A subsequent interrogation followed this past weekend; Tara has refused to cooperate and charges are expected to be filed. Jarrett Bruckner, Chairperson of TNG, was quoted in his press release, “I am deeply sorry to all who were crushed at not having any popcorn. Effective immediately, Tara Halt is relieved of her position. Emergency elections will be held next Thursday at our General Board Meeting.”

Farm animals cause air traffic problems Captain Kangaroo

Public Affairs Officer, Jedi Order It has finally happened, pigs and penguins learned how to fly. Due to radioactive vampire-like polar bears attacking both pigs and penguins because of their cuteness and non-extinction, the penguins and pigs had to mutate to escape their fury.

Dr. Stereotypical Smart Asian states, “This new species are incredibly remarkable and all efforts should be used to preserve them. “ Due to sentiments like these, Texans and other southerners are restrained from shooting them to their regret and must be content with road kill.

Additional protocols are being put in place to protect the new species against angry cows since they are still unable to jump over the moon.

To rework around flying penguins and pigs, the world is currently remanufacturing their power lines and house roofs to be able to withstand the weight of pigs and penguins sitting on them however a solution has not been made for planes.

Guns and flares are not enough to scare away these massive animals. Only one solution has been presented thus far: Force Push.

Temple of the Jedi Order has offered a degree in Jediism (more value than a Safety Science degree) which guarantees that their graduates would be able to use the force to push these pests away from air fields. However, they require that 3 billion dollars to be given as

an upfront fee. This is the government’s primary choice because it seems both the most logical and least expensive thing to purchase with the citizen’s tax dollars.

If we consciously make the decision to do nothing, the results could prove to be catostrophic. Hopefully we can instill upon the general animal population that they are not welcome in our sky. With a bit of determination, the animals will give up and go home.

All we can do is hope that a solution is engineered. And remember, due to safety reasons; do not look up in the sky as pigs are flying by.

Eileen Dover

Intergenetic Finance Board Due to “dongs” being unused at EmbryRiddle, the Aerospace Engineers have found a solution to make humans more lightweight and aerodynamic: including dong-removing devices in all bathrooms in the COA. According to totally credible engineers, the dong removing devices (flame torch ripping devices) will be a simple, slow, pain-free process to remove an unneeded

part on the body. The pilots find this idea genius and are implementing it not only at school but at home.

Physics 1-failing pilot states, “I had no idea what to do with it for a long time, I tried wearing it up and down and even putting bows on it but now I finally have a permanent solution.”

When students asked why the engineers did not implement it in Lehman building, Engineers replied, “we were born mostly aerodynamic and do not need any assistance.”

FAA has beef with SPAM Bad Reiniger

Local Supervillan The fierce litigation, now well underway in the Federal Aviation Administration’s case against the Society of Psychic Auto Mechanics has ground down to a bitter stalemate on the grounds of total lack of physical evidence.

The Society of Psychic Automotive Mechanics was started in 1927 at an old pool hall in Detroit by a handful of Automotive plant workers and local mechanics interested in exploring the unknown depths of their own minds and the potential power locked within. Over the following decades, along with rapid growth in the automotive industry, SPAM experienced steady growth in membership as well as an overall increase in the skill levels of individual members. In the late 50’s, a mechanic named Francois LeMeaux, an initiate in SPAM graduated from the University of Chicago with a Master’s of Science in economics. LeMeaux brought SPAM a new perspective on the automotive industry and their full potential within it and started a program within SPAM that trained and encouraged members to focus their minds and meditate on raising the failure rate of internal components on cars and engines across the United States on the premise that this would lead to an increase in the demand for mechanic services and new cars. The trickle-down effects were enormous and LeMeaux, gaining much popularity as a result, rose quickly in the ranks of SPAM and obtained under-the-table sponsorships from all the major American car manufacturers as well as parts stores

and distributors across the nation.

By the time of LeMeux’s death in 1996, SPAM had over 15,000 members and support from over 300 corporations in the industry. In the fall of 1983, an aircraft mechanic requested permission to join SPAM on the grounds that the ‘A’ in SPAM could also stand for Aircraft. He was granted permission on the grounds that nobody cared anyway and aviation mechanics gradually began to trickle into the ranks of the membership.

The FAA lawyers’ case is based around a series of air crashes and unexplainable incidences that they are claiming to be results SPAM activity. An FAA spokesman recently stated, “SPAM has killed a lot of people. They are dirty crooks, no other way of looking at it”. SPAM has refused to comment to the press claiming they have nothing to do with it although the mechanics involved in the installment of the Boing 878 batteries and the Cockheed Milton Blunt Strike fighter compressor blades have been connected to SPAM.

The Avioff,

April 2 2013

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