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This Paper Contains Awesome Content The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs, and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. For everyone else: we hope you enjoy! Happy April Fool’s Day!
---USER SECURITY ALERT--We care about our fellow white-handed friends here at The Avioff. Please take note of the health and security alert attached. Don’t get caught with your pants down, it’s in your interest!
When most people open an email from an unknown sender, they get a virus on their computer, have their identities stolen, or even lose their money. But 37-year-old Jack Mehoff caught something even worse – herpes. Yes, you read that right. He caught herpes. Mehoff says that he checked his email to view the latest God Is Always The Answer newsletter when he spotted an email with an unusual subject. It read: “Help me with this desire.” Thinking it was someone reaching out for religious help, Mehoff opened the email. Upon further reading, the email contained very inappropriate things that cannot be disclosed in this article. At the bottom of the email, it read: “You now have herpes. Good luck!” Of course, Mehoff thought it was a joke and sent a message back to the email that said “I hope you find what you need at church. See you Sunday – Jack.” Mehoff
thought nothing of the email. That is until he began to get sick with what he thought was the flu. He went to his doctor and received very shocking news. His doctor was not surprised that this had occurred. According to Dr. Ben Dover, “It seems impossible. But the pulse of the mouse clicking on the email does, in fact, give you herpes. Not to mention the reply is a direct link to ensure that you receive herpes. The chances that this could happen again is one in three thousand eight hundred sixty- one.” As for who sent the email, it still remains unknown. The email was deactivated shortly after sending the message. Police are still looking for the person who sent the email. Maybe this will make Jack think twice before opening anonymous user emails again. To help Mr. Mehoff in his time of need, his family has made a website to donate: igottheherpesfromtheinterwebzcom
The Humpty-Diddle TurnIt-Off-and-On-Again Response Unit is required by state laws to encourage students and faculty to use abstinence when checking their emails. Using protection, such as the use of rubber gloves when using a mouse or by installing a form of virus
control is also recommended, though not officially. If you think you might have contracted an STD from an email, contact the Sexy Time and Wellness Department. They can’t help you, but they can offer the advice to, “walk it off.” It’s better than nothing.
Above: Actor portrayal of Mr. Mehoff at the exact moment he realizes his herpes infection. A sudden moment of shock comes over his face as he is informed of his new disease.
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