Student Government decides to step up to the Illuminati Bolonius
Mr. Hollywood And you though secret societies only existed in paperbacks. After exhaustive research and conclusive proof, it is clear that the EmbryRiddle Student Government is nothing more than a recruitment program for the Illuminati. The shadowy overlords that control virtually every sector imaginable. They are real and they are recruiting new initiates from the highest ranks of the SGA. In a recent ceremony held at the Ponce Inlet lighthouse, a location chosen for its near flawless symbolism representing as a pillar to, vision, leadership, and a giant phallus. The inner circle of
the SGA became initiated as first degree journeymen of the Daytona Beach chapter of the illuminati. The Bavarian Illuminati originally formed in 1776 was a secret society of radical thinkers survived a ruthless persecution by going further u n d e rg r o u n d . This drove the Illuminati to subvert the current workings of the world. A task that will come closer to fruition with the new initiates.
The aims of the Illuminati are to subvert the aviation industry in
order to spread their influence via the air. I am referring of course
to the chemtrails phenomenon. While some believe chemtrails are en elaborate means of geoengineering and still others think it’s a way of distributing mind controlling nanobot (but please we all know that’s what Black Helicopters are for). The truth is that the chemtrails are in fact a means of population and migration control by distributing the distilled essence of equine,
bovine, and swine feces. As we all know the olfactory bulb (the receptor in your nose) is on the neurological fast lane to amygdala , the brains center of emotional nerochemincal response. By spraying the right location via air with this essence the popultion below can be subconsciously persuaded to relocate. No elaborate dream entering necessary. The first degree journeymen will be put in charge of operations for the Flying Animal Refuse Team or FART. In order to test the weight and balance of this configuration for various aircraft, FART is conducting test flights out of the closed Kai Tak airport in Hong Kong with rubber proof loads.
has made multiple attempts to determine the true reason of this largely impulsive expenditure, however, have not been able to reach any of the Saints. As a result, this author will be jumping to a conclusion and saying they all wanted to inflate their egos and something to put on their resume so when they are all fired, they can impress potential employers to let them spend their money. The next goal of the department will be to push for the
destruction of the SGA Illuminati. SARCASM’s board of directors have decided that their releasing of chemicals and nanobots into the student body goes against its agenda of spending all the student’s money. If you have any questions, feel free to call the Department’s head snob at 1-800-SARCASM. However, do not expect to get an answer because the person responsible has been sacked. Also, a llama will come through the phone and bite your legs off. That is all.
Student Activities changes name for the fifth time in one semester Flyboy Shuttle
Snappy McClickclick The Office of Student Activities and Campus Events is proud to announce that it has officially changed its name for the second time this year. Its new name is “Student Activities and Really Childish Appropriation of Student Money, SARCASM. The director of the department went through great lengths to have the change approved as the office loved to squander money on gay colored
plastic chips and how to demoralize and haze club member workshops. “I feel this new name is appropriate as these endeavors are a giant waste of time.” said the director of SARCASM. In addition to the new name change. All staff involved in the department decided to pool its money and spend it on the honor of becoming Saints of the Church of Money Wasting. The Avioff Staff
The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!
The Avioff, April 1, ur space ship +/- 7
FAA Issues Airworthiness Directive for Cessna 172 Jen Asight
This past week, the FAA issued an airworthiness directive (AD) for all Cessna 172 aircraft requiring operators to remove the G1000 integrated flight instrument system. The FAA conducted a yearlong study on general aviation incidents and uncovered some alarming trends. The study, published in December 2010, found that G1000 equipped 172s had a 500% increase in near misses and 150% increase in mid-air collisions over 172s with round dial panels. “The Cessna 172 is a popular training aircraft and the allure of the G1000 can easily disrupt the visual scan of inexperienced
pilots,” said Lester Miles, FAA Director of Aviation Safety. The AD went into effect April 2, 2011 and will require operator compliance by the end of July 2011.
unsettling. Garmin, manufacturer of the G1000, is concerned with the financial impact this will have on their company. Garmin has a diverse product portfolio but the recent suc-
“We believe the G1000 provides pilots with an unparalleled instrumentation system which enhances situational awareness and improves safety,” said Lin Zhou, President of Garmin.
Many in the aviation community found the recent news
cess of the G1000 accounted for 15% of their revenue in 2010.
Flight schools around the nation are also apprehensive
of this news. Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, which currently has a fleet of over 50 G1000 equipped 172s, will be required to convert their entire fleet at a cost of $4,000 per plane; this has many students at the university worried. “My navigational skills are on par with that of Christopher Columbus and I’m afraid to fly without the G1000,” noted a student, who wished to remain anonymous. Several other students, when asked for their opinion, simply walked away in utter disbelief. With time against them, owners and operators are scrambling to convert their 172s over to round dial panels. Thousands of G1000 equipped 172s remain in operation today and will likely continue through most of the summer, fueled by the optimistic views of some for a repeal of this AD.
this secret for some time. Records indicate the one anonymous order for the 747-8 indeed was EmbryRiddle. Students had wondered why the flight line now houses a new portable air-stair truck, air start cart, and other accessories usually found across at the Daytona Airport terminals. The interior has been designed like a normal airliner, with first, business, and economy seating. Engineering professors like the layout, as this will now enable class field trips for engineering students so they can analyze wing movement, flight controls in flight, and other mathematical data. The 747-8 also came equipped with special weather-data gathering probes, to be used by meteorology majors. Air Traffic Control majors will be able to plug-in onboard with the pilots to listen to communications, and all university personnel will be allowed to travel on cross countries with students if the need to travel for business. “We’re glad so many departments have access to this beautiful aircraft,” said President Wright, “it’s somewhat hard to justify a $240 million dollar expense
to mom and dad, so we figured by making it available to most majors would help sell it over.” Flight students enrolling in FA747 will still have a steep cost to pay. At approximately $28,000 wet rate, plus the $52 instruction rate, FA747 (2 credit hours) is projected to cost in total $600,000, including roughly 15 hours of flight time towards the type rating. All other training will be done prior to the aircraft in the new Frasca 747-8 Level 6 FTD, now where the MD-90 simulator used to be. Instructors are in the process of being upgraded now, meaning more instructors will
be moving up to the Piper Arrows and Diamond DA-42’s. The 747-8 instructors can be distinguished at the flight line with five bars on their epaulettes, upping the highest from four.
Selected students who pass the course may also then be eligible to serve as pilots for university brass when they travel for business, to other Embry-Riddle world-wide campuses.
Embry-Riddle welcomes new jet to family Gyro Duck
Planessssssssss This past Wednesday, March 30, Embry-Riddle welcomed the newest addition to the flight line. The Boeing 747-8 aircraft was ordered and paid for by the university, though it did receive a price break from Boeing due to the quality interns Boeing receives from Embry-Riddle each semester. “It’s not every day you get to take delivery of a $240 million machine,” said Embry-Riddle President Dr. Wilbur Wright, “we are thrilled to have this new aircraft for our FA747 course, which will transition students smoothly from the Cessna C172 Skyhawk and Diamond DA-42 to the Boeing 747-8. The whole idea of this investment is to keep Embry-Riddle graduates at the top of the industry. Can your school produce graduates that are $800,000 in student loan debt? No. But the question is will they have a 747-8 type rating and have 747-8 Pilot In Command time in their logbooks? Yours graduates won’t. Ours will.” The flight department had kept
The Avioff, Year Spaceship
The epic story of STEVE X
El Mariachi There lives a creature, so evil, so sinister, that to merely speak its name, is to be considered taboo for the weak and innocent. Living in tank filled with water at the Avion office, it feeds off anyone or anything that comes too near. It must be known, that to even read this story, filled with superficial despicable truths about the creature, one must hold true courage to whom no other may dare. Knowing of the creatures existence is exasperatingly dangerous and a will fill the remainder of your life with unavoidable, torturous, agony and struggle. Do not read this if you have a soft stomach! You Have Been Warned… Our story begins within our planet Earth’s inner core sometime soon after dinosaurs roamed without hindrances and old our grandparents lived. A tiny particle of Uranium-235, about the size of a 1000 pound Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumor, absconded from the inner core’s interminable pressure through a tiny hole which lead straight to the surface. Upon reaching the Earth’s outer crust, the particle U-235 erupted with such immense force that it escaped Earth’s
gravitational force, erecting with it a volcano (now know as Mt. Everest), which wiped out all the dinosaurs from existence. The particle U-235 traversed through our solar system for many years on a trajectory headed for a distant planet. Soon after Earth’s astronomers and scientists believed to have discovered a tenth planet in our solar system, U-235 collided with what was Planet-X. The collision was so fierce that the planet imploded into powdery nothingness invisible to the naked eye; nothing except a frozen biological growth survived, which was now headed towards Earth. The frozen growth reached Earth, thawing as it fell through the atmosphere. This over cooked the grown into what looked like a chunk of welldone steak, until finally coming to rest on a warm summer, moon lit night, in front of a statue representing the Wright Brothers’ first flight. The tomato-sized alien growth had brown colored skin and was covered in puss filled red soars, worse than a bad case of pimples, which had begun throbbing and bursting individually. The sizzling grown began to beat like a heart, pulsing loudly, as mucus colored slime
discharged onto the ground through dilated pores. It quivered giving off random hissing and juicy goop popping sounds, as a random convulsion would squirt the mucus-ooze through the air which additionally seemed to be killing off the surrounding grass. Accompanied with a loud wet, ‘POP,’ sound, a large lesion burst open through the anomaly’s smoldering skin spewing more ooze and sending red chunks of meat flying through the air. The goo, which had covered most of the erupted fleshy membrane and the surrounding dead grass, now looked and was colored like a mixture of oily sludge, ketchup, chunks of chewed food, and greenish-yellow mucus. The once pleasant warm summer air which had filled the area, was now overpowered by a putrid thick odor which could only be described as a brewed concoction of decomposing road kill, rotten eggs, sulfur, and a soiled diaper all topped off with a hint of strawberries. From within the bubbling ooze emerged a malevolent looking creature that gave off a piercing shriek as it gurgled more fluids from its tiny mouth. The creature made ticking sounds as it shuttered its mouth open and shut in rapid succession growling at the sur-
roundings trying to breath. The armless and legless being began to flop around like a fish fresh out of water. Rapidly squirming, annoyed and angered, it fell out of it’s shell onto the ground landing with a hard ‘flump’ as it shrieked, gargled, and yelled gasping to breath; helpless, the creature gave up it’s struggle. Hours passed as the sun slowly emerged from the horizon beginning to heat up the day. All the fluids that had been spread across the ground surrounding the creature had dried up with the odor having dispersed and dissipated like flatulence in the wind. The creature’s fleshy transport had been carried off by an HumptyDiddle squirrel who mistook the brown color to be breakfast. Upon the squirrel’s complete consumption of the alien membrane, talons from a hungry hawk impaled the little animal and carried it away. Back to where the creature lay motionless, but seeming to have had miraculously evolved in the short amount of time by growing a diaphragm that could process the Earth’s oxygen. Along with the new lungs, the angered creature was also plotting its revenge on this planet that caused it such forced discomfort. Suddenly, growling in pain,
the creature began to grow sharp teeth as its body began dislodging itself from within. This was a preparation and transformation needed to increase in size and to become the perfect predator. Just as it had reached the size of a small sand crab, wielding two rows of a hundred still growing dangerous teeth; a Nike shoe unintentionally came crashing down onto the creature. This forced the alien’s insides to explode in a manner of what it looks like when someone would have stepped on a ketchup packet, but sounding as to when someone would have stepped on a large cockroach; this ending the creature’s life. Nike shoe guy had taken a shortcut through the grass and was headed to the Student Center and into the Avion office. Shoe guy had just returned with a bag full of fish which he emptied into an aquarium in the office that had been prepared for the new inhabitants just a few hours before. Months passed by with all the fish having died from biohazardous water, lack of oxygen, and unexplainable absences of food for inconsiderable periods of time. Very extraordinarily, one fish still lives on to this day, years after the incident, within uninhabitable liquid; his name is STEVE The Fish.
TheAvioff, circa 2700 B.C.
Junk in the Trunk
classifications ... Public Announcement ...
... Help Wanted...
Rats have eaten the campus food and have mutated into radioactive half-human zombie pilots wearing flight instructor uniforms. If sighted, run for your life...
NASA needs people who actually know something is wrong before the last 5 seconds of countdown (like a huge crack in a tank). Please enquire in Titusville.
All hot, non-idiot females on campus have been lost (or never been found). If anyone ever encounters one, please contact all news and newspapers. ...Wanted ...
Pilot who can do basic math and/ or physics (a.k.a not an idiot). Please contact Ripleyâ€™s Believe it or Not as soon as possible if found. This an incredibly rare phenomena....
... FOR SALE ...
Social life for sale to any. Havenâ€™t been used for four years, and almost new in quality. Please enquire to any engineer student ... Needed ...
Humpty-Diddle needs new ideas to charge students a ridiculous amount of money. Previous ideas have been: more variety in unidentifiable, disgusting food; more events that no one cares about; and a mass event to recruit even more males on campus
The Avioff, Wouldnâ€™t you like to know
ERAU sports teams dominate the entire Sun Conference and NCAA D-1 univeristies for more information on any sporting events going on around campus or at other random facilities, please visit the website shown below: daytona.embryriddlesports.com
The Avioff, Today
DON’T SUBMIT ERAU Fall YOUR OPINIONS. enrollment THE THE STAFF OF to include 1,000 virgins AVIOFF DOES NOT CARE. NOR HAS IT EVER CARED OR WILL CARE. GO AWAY! According to the admissions department of Embry-Riddle, the upcoming fall intake will include 1,000 virgins, coming from all corners of the United States. This new intake will restore balance to the force, just like Anakin Skywalker was supposed to. As part of the school’s continuing efforts to improve the Humpty-Diddle brand, this means finding less testosterone overflowing males for school and finding more tech-savvy and “geeky” females for the campus. These recruitment efforts were
aimed at numerous channels that have traditionally held high numbers of tech-savvy females. Popular online game servers like World of Warcraft have yielded many applicants, most of them saying that they are eighteenyear old females waiting to enter college. The Humpty-Diddle family would like to warmly welcome all the new recently approved applicants for the fall and the administration hopes that cases of sexual harassment on campus will drop with the new students coming in. ~Achmed the Terrorist
“What is the last thing you think about before you go to bed at night?”
- Compiled by Steel Bear
Captain Jack Drinking Rum and Oceanseeking Engineer
ERAU Male Population Dorky Nerd Engineers
Cobble Stone Brain Washing and Intellect
Al Coholic Hopps Chemical Engineer
“I like sea turtles.”
Foster Brooks 7foourrrrr 7fouurrrr7 Air-huh-Airline Pilot
“Girl.........Girl...... Girl....Girl...Girl..Girl. Girl.GIRL!”
“A dream inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream.......”
“I’m going to regret this in the morning.”
“I don’t know how I got here but I hope I’m able to fly in the morning.”
New sorority on campus
I Like Movies and Stuff
Touch-and-Went Top Ten Signs at brings Professor Humpty-Diddle the Meowington World is Coming to an End Phd to campus Bolonius
Mr. Hollywood In a move that was as commendably ballsy and equally as foolish as flyby in a cargo plane full of rubber you-know-what outa Hong Kong, Touch-and-Went Productions attempted to entice electronica super star Housemaus to headline their yearly blowout concert. The negotiations had been going smoothly until in a miscommunication similar to the feet to meters fiasco that doomed the Mars Climate Orbiter nearly derailed the whole deal. TNW was not aware that when the Student Finance Board quoted the division’s budget as in “clams” that it was literally in clams. “We just thought that SFB had let their hair down a little. Yeah it was a little dated but, we were like groovy” stated Hippy McPeacnik of TNW. When asked about this new shift in SFB policy SGA Treasurer Kandy Koins stated “We listened to students and they suggested that ‘if your going to charge this student fee at least make it so the division with the largest budget has a hard time spending it.’ And we really couldn’t argue with that logic.” When this slight kerfuffle was brought
to the attention of Housemaus, he had to decline stating “I’ve been offered peanuts before but, how much more shellfish can you get.” However this development peeked the interest of the Housemaus’s closest collaborator Professor Meowington Phd, also present at the negotiations. Turns out the tuxedoed American Short Hair has a particular fondness for mollusks. A deal was quickly struck as Professor Meowington’s Agent, Al Yalikelunch countered with “Throw in a weekends worth of cat nip and you’ve got a show.” Clutching on to this new development in order to turn a near disaster into a unique opportunity; the TNW team jumped at the chance. In post negotiation commentary head of TNW Kanhas Mystapler said “For us this is really a win-win as our market research shows that one of the most popular search engine hits in the Humpty-Diddle community is ‘boobies-and-kitties’, and boobies are simply out of the question, so this is truly the next best thing”. Meowington, who recently injured him self in a tumble down a flight of stairs, released this statement in regards to his up coming show, “O hai, airplanes pplz cannt’z waits to vizit Daitonya. Pease, luv and bass. K thx bai.”
10. Smokers found standing more than 25ft from buildings 9. Textbooks become affordable 8. Student Village buffet serves mac ‘n cheese that actually tastes like mac ‘n cheese 7. Tuition is reduced 6. No attention given to a 757 departing 7L 5. Departure lounge used by students for something other than sleeping 4. Flight instructors show up on-time 3. Professors operate classroom projector and lights flawlessly 2. Less than 10 minutes required to find a parking spot 1. 1:1 male to female ratio
PHOTO COURTESTY VIEW3DINTERIOR.COM
Avioff for 2011