ISSUE 69 | THEAVIOFF.XXX | APRIL 1, 2015
THE AVIOFF
Eelon Stank stares absent mindedly into the cold abyss of space in his dramatic Soviet propaganda poster. The charisma is palpable.
COLD CASE SOLVED: NAZA KILLED JFK Dick Weekly Embezzlement Editor SpaceWhy CEO Eelon Stank upset the space industry even more in his announcement on Monday, where he claimed to have finally discovered the mastermind behind President John F. Kennedy’s assassination. He stated that after many years of searching for the worst space launch vehicle, he wandered off on a wild tangent in his research, where he came across the true mastermind behind JFK’s assassination: NAZA. Yes, NAZA. He claims that it “makes too much sense” and “only rocket scientists could pull off something that extreme.” After nearly being Baker Acted by the public, Eelon explained his discoveries: America and the USSR were on the verge of adding nuclear winter to mankind’s list of accomplishments. In order to ensure the safety of its citizens and supremacy of her country, America utilized her notorious spying capabilities against the USSR, exploiting any of their weaknesses. After months of no joy, U.S. spies got a breakthrough – they discovered the USSR had
no physical involvement in the rapidly heating-up Space Race. Everything the USSR did in terms of their space program was all a hoax – they simply used primitive finger color paints and poor photography to depict a picture of a technologically advanced space program, with the capability of launching satellites and nuclear armament into space. In this Soviet arts and crafts project, the USSR hoped to fool the U.S. in the Space Race and bankrupt the U.S. as NAZA tried to succeed. Unfortunately, our spies uncovered this plot too late, as America already spent a large sum of money on bailout programs and wealth redistribution in order to better support NAZA. If the U.S. were to suddenly stop spending this money, it would be uncovered by Soviet spies in the U.S., and then both countries would be at a stalemate in the Cold War. Therefore, American leaders decided to redirect funding from the communistic Affordable Healthcare Act merely towards NAZA officials, who agreed to save the extra income and return it to Uncle Sam after the Cold War. In the meantime, NAZA officials invested a fraction of their
surplus income towards “paint by number” kits (surpassing in every way to the Soviet’s simple finger painting) sold at Wally-World, and then used those awe-inspiring paintings as propaganda for America’s superior space program. After a number of years, America’s propaganda was waning behind the Soviet’s, especially after the “Sputnik” bovine scat. It was only after JFK’s “moon” speech did NAZA officials know which painting kits they should purchase at Wallymart. Now, with this common goal of landing on the moon, NAZA officials were sure to win the blue ribbon at the international art competition. However, after a surprise visit by JFK to Lincoln Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Fla., JFK realized America had no space program and NAZA officials were wildly spending their savings on lavish trips to Razzzle’s and Lollipoop’s in Daytona Beach. President John F. Kennedy, a noble and honest man, could not stand for lying to American taxpayers about funding a non-existent space program. Simultaneously, JFK also knew that the money still had to be spent, so he redirected the
funds to himself. At this point, NAZA officials were addicted to the fun and entertainment Razzzle’s and Lollipoop’s had to offer, which left NAZA no choice – they had to assassinate President Kennedy. After promising Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson a full ride to Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, V.P. Johnson convinced JFK to have an open-top convertible motorcade through Houston. From that point, NAZA paid Lee Harvey Oswald, a Razzzle’s regular and guy with a gun in the backwoods of Volusia County, to do the dirty work. “From there, the rest is history,” Eelon claims. Now the NSA is reviewing its audio recordings of NAZA officials to investigate the claims made by Eelon. Additionally, the U.S. Justice Department initially asked the IRS for all documents relating to NAZA officials, but the IRS is useless and can’t differentiate their anal sphincter from a hole in the ground, so the Justice Department is simply reviewing all information for NAZA current headlining project – the Space Blast System.
WARNING: The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs, and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!