Avion Issue 6 (AviOff) Spring 2020

Alani Seaman/The Avion Newspaper

LMAO 420

A2 the one where we roast the school Galaxy Guardians asleep

under desk

the notorious V.I.P

@wakemeupinside

WINNER OF THE PURPLE PASS The Vegan Hipster @ThatBigDeskEnergyTho

Spooder Mahn Pita Porker @thedailybugle

THE ANCIENT ONE GRANDPA JOE @OKboomer

Rode A Horse? Billy The Kid @yeeyeeuniversity

Our Hero HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED PRESS F TO PAY RESPECTS

Who You Gonna Call?

867-5309 theavioff.com 2 Aeroplane Avenue, UC110 Dirtona Beach, FL 54321

As more students are being admitted into universities, finding housing for new freshman has been an increasingly difficult challenge. Infamous for its construction of New-New-New Hall™ and New-New-New-New-New Hall™, Humpty-Diddle has recently announced a new addition to housing— one which requires absolutely no construction! Rather than live on campus, Humpty-Diddle students are to instead find nearby housing throughout Volusia County. Students currently living on campus will have just under a week to vacate the premises and relocate. If students are unable to move immediately, they will be permitted to stay in the Onion up until the end of the month. Regardless, all items must be removed from the dorms within the given time period, or they will be sold to assist in funding Fondle and Flee’s concert (the date of which is TBD and will likely be delayed). No exceptions will be made. Although housing refunds will not be given to students currently living on campus, they can

Humpty-Diddle Announces New Dorms!

have a good day kiddo! love, dad an d mom

@thefunnyone u/wherewemakefun @oftheschool @andpublishit

DO IT, just DO IT! Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So just. DO IT! Make. your dreams. COME TRUE! Just… do it!

Some people dream of success, while you’re gonna wake up and work HARD at it! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, and you’re not gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? … DO IT! Just… DO IT! Yes you can! Just do it! If you’re tired of starting over, stop. giving. up.

rest easy, as their payments for housing will instead be used to fund a new project: parking lots! To alleviate the current parking problem at Humpty-Diddle, all of the current dorms will be demolished and repurposed into parking lots. The construction is currently estimated to be completed by 2030, and parking passes will likely not be distributed until the 2031 Fall Semester. Until construction is complete, the parking concern is unlikely to be mitigated, and students should plan on finding nearby locations to leave their cars so that they make take a scenic walk from their cars to campus.

If students have any questions, comments or concerns, they are encouraged to comment them on the official Humpty-Diddle Instagram. While there is no guarantee that they will receive a response, it will at the very least give students a sense of security in knowing that this way there is a better chance of their concerns being heard than if they simply contacted housing. <-- picture by alani’s singular friend this picture also by alani’s friend -->

Best Supporting Actors

The Roaring Twenties The girl who moved the desk

In a not-so-unexpected twist, 2020 went from bad to worse. In a series of tribulations, literally everyone is inside. On purpose, no doubt! The people in charge have deemed it essential that people stay inside, although weeks past the scientists’ initial warning. Maybe after this pandemic, those same people will open their eyes about the impending climate crisis. But I dream.

The year began with the threat of war, but with the current administration it’s hard to know how serious these threats are. Nonetheless, the internet exploded with an array of war based memes, the majority of which were based on the prospect of being drafted into war. Despite Baby Boomers’ best intentions, forcing young people into war and ripping them away from their lives, rent payments, and college careers may not be the best character-building experience.

Many have also been concerned about the lives of people they’ve never met who make considerably more money than them. That’s right: celebrities! In more whimsical, toy-coming-alive news, Tom Hanks became infected with the big bad virus. We hope for a safe recovery and appreciate his courage in sharing the news, as it likely helped quite a few people finally take this thing seriously. Many other celebrities have become fond of showing us their indoor routines in quarantine. Despite preaching “Virus” and “We’re all in this together” the conditions of quarantine have become quite obvious to their viewership. Staying at home is much easier with an indoor pool and home theatre.

Coming in at #8, Florida has shown incredible leadership in handling this pandemic. The state remains in the top ten states infected with over 25,000 confirmed cases. A certain governor was particularly concerned with the spring break season. He made sure people would still have fun in Florida by allowing the spring breakers to stay on the beaches in groups of 10 or less. Then, within two weeks, he decided to issue a stay-at-home order. Who knew hurricane season would be starting early this year, with the government blowing to and fro in the wind.

Well folks, it can only go up from here: right?

l i t e r a l l y

n o o n e

Hired Help Reporters Photographers a couple homies alani’s 1 friend

Correspondents eh

The Avioff is produced once during the fall and spring term, and no during summer terms. The Avioff is produced by a 3 exec members begging for volunteer student staff help and content. 2 student editors make all content, business and editorial decisions for this one.

The editorial opinions expressed in The Avion are solely the opinion of the probably everyone, and not those of Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, the Student Government Association, The Avion, or the student body. Letter writers must confine themselves to less than whatever number of words please i’m begging you to write something. Letters and articles are probably gonna be edited for brevity and formatted to newspaper guidelines. All letters must be signed i guess. Names may be withheld at the discretion of the random dude who calls himself Editor-in-Chief. The Avion is an open forum for student expression. The Avion is a division of the Student Government Association. The Avion is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press. The costs of this publication are paid by both the Student Government Association and through advertising fees. The Avion distributes one free copy per person. Additional copies are $0.69. Theft of newspapers is a crime, and is subject to prosecution and Embry-Riddle judicial action. This newspaper and its contents are protected by United States copyright law. No portion of this publication may be reproduced, in print or electronically, without the expressed written consent of The Avion.

This edition is mostly a joke. It’s satire, okay man.

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C a ( ° ͜ ʖ ° ) n i c e e e A3

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A 4 â&#x153;&#x2C6;đ&#x;?&#x152;đ&#x;?&#x201A;đ&#x;?Şđ&#x;&#x2018;žđ&#x;&#x2019;&#x201A;đ&#x;?źđ&#x;&#x201D;Žđ&#x;&#x2013;?đ&#x;Ś&#x192;đ&#x;Ś&#x152;â&#x2DC;&#x201E;â&#x203A;Šđ&#x;&#x152;&#x2039; Tourist trap city annnounces new Florida man ride

holding a beer in one hand.

An entrepre- will be built The Headneurial Flor- alongside Or- line Lottery ida Man has landoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s iconic Simulator is decided to theme parks another highcapitalize on and feature ly-anticipated the popular experiences attraction. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Florida Manâ&#x20AC;? inspired by During this headlines the Florida experience, that describe Man persoguests will the unique na. One such pull a lever and humorattraction on a giant slot ous exploits is the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hey machine to of the stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Yâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;all, Watch receive a ranmost colorful This!â&#x20AC;? Obsta- dom Florida characters cle Course, Man headline by building a where guests that they then Florida Man will navigate a act out using Theme Park. series of obthe providThe new park stacles while ed costumes, Florida Man Yet Another Indebted Student

props, and sets.

Other attractions, such as the Footmobile Race Track, are more directly inspired by recent Florida Man headlines: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yabba Dabba Doo! Florida man gets pulled over for driving â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;footmobileâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; dressed as Fred Flintstone.â&#x20AC;? An immersive

virtual reality experience is also rumored to be created for the theme park. Here, guests can customize their Florida Man character before undergoing adventures rife with alligators, snakes, hurricanes, and liberals.

Florida Man Theme Park will also feature two new

resorts for extended-stay guests. One resort will mimic the look and feel of a trailer park, while the other will be modeled after Florida swamp houses. Character meet-andgreets where guests can interact with Florida Man icons such as Lane Pittman, known for

holding an American flag in the middle of a street during Hurricane Michael, will also be available at the resorts and throughout the park.

The park and resorts are set to open in Summer 2021 with admission prices starting at three sixpacks.

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i h a v e n ’ t l e f t m y h o u s e i n w e e k s A5

What is your Florida Man Headline?

Inspired by real Florida Man Headlines!

First Letter of your First Name

A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. J. K. L. M. N. O. P. Q. R. S. T. U. V. W. X. Y. Z.

Arrested for Using Taco as ID Bites Police Officer Unleashes Bees onto his Neighbor Does Donuts on Airport Runway Caught Licking Camera Doorbell Points Laser at Helicopter Eats Homemade Drug-Laced Lunchables Throws Toilet through Government Building Window Steals Laxatives he Mistook for Candy Attacked by Pack of Squirrels Electrocuted by Peeing on Electric Fence Urinates on In-Law’s Carpet Tries to Time Travel Attacks ATM with Hatchet Rescued from Vending Machine Starts House Fire Convinced he was Abducted by Aliens Announces Presidential Run Drives Jet Ski on Street Tries to Eat 100 Twinkies Removes Alligator from Backyard Pool Pepper Sprays Himself Leads Security on Golf Course Chase Trapped in Unlocked Closet Butt-dials 911 Douses Self in Sweet Tea

+

Your Birth Month

January February March

To Spite Girlfriend During his Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner While Joyriding on ATV

April

After Carjacking Local Retirement Home

May

Because his Ex-Wife Dared him to

June

And Demands Police Order him a Pizza

July

While Holding a Beer

August September

To Ward off Liberals While Avoiding Wrath of Justifiably Angry Wife

October

And Cries Over Stubbed Toe

November

While Dressed as Superhero

December

Before Headbanging on Street During Hurricane

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MEme

Welcome To The

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Fabulous Spread Eagle xD