Avion Issue 5 (AviOff) Fall 2019

T H E AV I O F F

sometimes i lay down on the sidewalk and hope i get hit by a skateboard

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Executive Secret MastersBoard of the Galaxy

Editor-in-Chief The Senate Managing Head WordsEditor Guy Chief of Nothing News Editor Happening Business Manager Food Person Photo Editor Editor Noods

Jaclyn Wiley AAAAAAAAAA K’Andrew pilot boi France-Beckford Vacancy Nick Hernandez Alex Lee eventually engineer Vipul Telang Bigus Dikus

| Page || Editors || |_ Assistant to The Senate Muskrat Cover Editor Elongated Jaclyn Wiley Didney Fangirls Lames Campus Editors Jebron K’Andrew

Industry Editors Planespotters

Comics Editor Copy Editors

Memelord Just Kinda There

Dustin Hoo France-Beckford Rick O’Shea Keenan Thungtrakul Mom Korbin Martin Ctrl+C Rajan Khanna Ctrl+V Madaline Eitniear Ben Dover Sarah Fairchild Richard Beater Korbin Martin Filet Minyon Andrew Bronshteyn Jura SicTaylor Park Jordyn Ron AlexMacDonal Lee G. OwenTaylor Getter Jordyn Imma Sarah Looney Fairchild Nic E. Meem The Quiet Kid

Child Laborers

Photographers Contributors Edgy Teens Puck Attractors Connor Strobel

Freshman #1 Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, Connor Adair adipiscing elit.

Reporters consectetur Freshman #2 Sed vel condimentum dui.

Christina Frederick Chaz Pokracki Freshman #3 Donec venenatis vehicula David Keck Emily Rickel High School Intern fermentum. In at commodo Aakash Rathinam enim. Proin sit amet mollis Cole Helman augue.

Jaclyn The Wiley Real Workers Michael Weinhoffer I was supposed to learn their names but ChazPlease Pokracki forgot. send all complaints to Connor joe@yuri.ligma Strobel Emily Rickel Alex Lee

The People’s Republic of the Prescott Union (PRPU) has remained largeStaff Advisor ly silent since sucAbsent Father Figure Ronnie Mack Asst.

Director, I Don’t Know Media & Marketing ceeding from the Mom said he left to go get milk Humpty-Diddle AirContact Information Contact Information plane School in April Main Phone: (386) 226-6049 Tower: 0118 999 811 999 119 725 3 of 2017. HowevBusiness Manager: (386) 226-7697 Ground: 126.9 KHz er, during a summit Editor-In-Chief: editor@theavion.com The Senate: dictator@hdas.pu Managing Editor: Head Words Guy:managing@theavion.com with delegates from supercalifragilisticexpialidocious@hdas.pu News Editor: news@theavion.com Chief of Manager: Nothing Happening: u/nothing- the Daytona HumpBusiness business@theavion.com happens Photo Editor: photo@theavion.com ty-Diddle Airplane Food Person: sgafeewaster@hdas.pu School Conclave Noods Editor: See CrapChat Info Website: theavion.com Website: www.latlmes.com/arts/return-ofand Humpty-Diddle the-golden-age-of-comics-1 Worldwide Coali@theavioffblog @theavionnewspaper tion two weeks ago, u/theavioffmagazine u/theavionnewspaper PRPU weeb comman@The_Avioff @The_Avion dos launched a sur@TheAvioff @TheAvion prise and unprovoked attack, killing two and injuring another 20 with caustic memes.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?

You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now, wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire, how about yours?

That’s the way I like it and I never get bored Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid All that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show, on get paid And all that glitters is gold

WAR ron was lost due to crews suffering from hypoxia in the high altitudes around Prescott and the rent-a-cop trainees were quickly wiped out by the PRPU’s attack helicopters.

After the failed retaliatory strike, the Daytona Collective Philosopher Senate voted to approve a declaration of war against the PRPU and all sympathizers wherever they may be around the globe, including the remote Humpty-Diddle Singapore Outpost.

range of 15,000 nautical miles, was completed in record time and unveiled during the week of return, guaranteeing the Daytona Humpy-Diddle Airplane School Conclave’s ability to destroy the PRPU and any sympathizers who may support it at the distant Singapore Humpty-Diddle outpost with ease.

Now that the ERFSEDS is complete and ready for launch, President Butter has given the PRPU 69 hours to Vowing vengeance against the neo-fas- surrender unconditionally and return cist regime, PresiIn immediate redent Butter ordered to the Humpty-Didsponse to the heidle Airplane School the development of nous attack, the or face complete the Extreme Range Daytona Humpannihilation from the First Strike Exploty-Diddle Conclave sive Delivery System new meme delivery sent its elite geek (ERFSEDS) to oblit- system. life chicken hawk squadron and a bat- erate the PRPU with talion of rent-a-cop devastating meme trainees to eliminate force. The ERFSEDS, which is a the PRPU offensive rocket propelled exmeme capability. plosive meme weapUnfortunately, the chicken hawk squad- on with a maximum

Pharking Phrotests Phrevent Phlanes Phrom Phlying

As Halloween approaches, one haunting thought rests on the minds of most students: Will I be able to find on-campus parking tomorrow? For many fearful attendees of the Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, the answer will be a resounding 'NO.' The school, which in recent years has increased the number of on-campus housing and incoming freshmen class size, has failed to combat the lack of parking spots available to commuters.

But that’s all about to change.

money from flight students, they’ll realize we are serious about the parking issue.”

“The parking issue is not that serious.” Humpty-Diddle president Scary Butter replied when The Avioff asked about his concerns regarding the protests. "Students need to be patient and wait for spots to open up. The students don't know what they want. We in the administration have to focus on what students want: More planes and on-campus housing.”

Frustrations with the school have only risen in the past few months, as announcements about a Phase The Special Club for Aviation sTudents 3 Residence Hall (dubbed “New new new Res (S.C.A.T.) has organized a public, non-violent students) construction project were protest this coming Friday, Nov. 1, that is sure to res res” by accommodation for an even get the administration's attention. S.C.A.T. mem- revealed. This men class with no regard for increasbers plan to drive their cars onto Humpty-Diddle's bigger fresh ing parking availability has frustrated students and airport tarmac and park them in a circle around faculty alike. the planes owned by the school. This ring-in will prevent Humpty-Diddle's planes from taxiing, and "Students are parking in our spots now." Comthus, avoid hundreds of flights from occurring, ssor Dr. Austin Robert Glenn Powell causing the school to lose millions of dollars in lost plained Profe Newman. "They steal teacher spots when they run flight revenue. out of student parking, and I end up having to park on the grass!"

“If there’s one thing the school president will listen to, it’s a financial loss.” Says S.C.A.T. Humpty-Diddle has proposed a plan to pave an president Yuri Nator. “Maybe if they start losing

THE AVION

Campus F3

off-campus parking lot that is said to increase the number of spots by 200, but this is not enough for S.C.A.T.

“Just build a parking garage.” Says three-year club member Ben Dover. “It’ll solve the parking situation without hindering outside areas. Even a two or three-story garage will provide exponential amounts of parking spots. At least more so than a 200 spot lot that isn’t even on campus.”

Not to mention, the additional 200 slots will come with a cost for students in the form of parking pass price increases. Last year, the price of parking went up by roughly $40, and by next year, estimates say that to cover the cost of construction, it will almost double: from $120 to $250 per pass. Additionally, the passes will now only last for one semester and must be renewed every term.

If all goes well, the Parking Protest might be able to sway some minds in the administration about how to handle the parking fiasco. And if not, then S.C.A.T. members say they'll have to take things to the next level.

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THE AVION

Innovation That Excites 3

The Innovative Finger-Propulsion

Name: Twinkie Position: Baseball Catcher This past week, Humpty-Diddle showcased its new 420-horsepower Tessna 169 Flyhawk for the first time.

On the day of the event, P-Team knocked down the doors of the Better-ThanAverage-But-Still-Bad Residence Hall, demanding for the students inside to view the takeoff. Those who refused found themselves being carried out by disgruntled P-Team members, who wore smiles that were faker than a sorority girl.

The underclassmen involved complained about the harassment they faced by the P-Team, as well as the bruises they received, to

which Humpty-Diddle representatives replied, “oooooh, ahhhhh,” after being distracted by an airplane.

The creation of the 169 Flyhawk is a monumental accomplishment in the aviation world. The plane is the first to specialize in finger-propulsion, a new technique developed by Humpty-Diddle, where a pair of fingers provides enough thrust to exceed the drag of a plane, as opposed to the utilization of propeller or a propulsive nozzle. Because of this, finger-propulsion is an environmentally beneficial form of propulsion, which produces little to no exhaust and contributes almost nothing to

the depletion of the ozone layer. V.S.C.O. Girls are a big proponent of finger-propulsion because they think it’s a sound way to save the turtles. Whether this is true or not is unknown, but nobody cares enough to find out.

The takeoff amassed a crowd of maybe thirteen people, five of whom were students facing extreme sleep-deprivation because they didn’t realize how long their engineering homework would take. All were excited—or pretended to be on their social media—to witness the historic takeoff.

S.W.A.G. items that looked like they were made by a

ten-year-old were being sold to commemorate the event, although few profits were made because Humpty-Diddle charges students for standing, sitting, and even breathing. The takeoff was quite the spectacle, with the 169 Flyhawk bursting into the sky with the assistance of its patented finger-propulsion, before crashing down after approximately one minute. Despite the failure of the 169 Flyhawk, Humpty-Diddle has labeled it as a “moderate success” and is projecting for all planes to utilize finger-propulsion by 2023.

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