Weather: IT’S GON’ RAIN.
WARNING!
The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs, and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!
Pilot-Zombie Sightings Increase Exponentially John E. Propeller Airplane Stroker Researchers say the number of airport zombie sightings have increased 50 percent in recent weeks as airlines continue to raise minimum hiring requirements to 1500 hour. Experts say the raise is not surprising given the stress that the industry is under. The zombies which began appearing 6 months ago are believed to be flight instructors desperate for flight time. Witnesses report hearing a continuous moan from the zombies of “flight time, flight time.” Previous incidents had been limited to small flight
schools but recent events have occurred across Florida. One terrorized flight student who asked not to be named described a recent scene. “First it was one, then two. After I agreed to fly, more started coming. Next thing I knew there were 20 of them on the ramp, all trying to get in the plane.” He said. A formal investigation into that incident reveled that they had arrived at the airport in several poorly maintained vehicles and had been circling for some time prior to the incident. Authorities are warning pilots and residents to avoid public discussions of flight training and to
limit time spent at airports, flight schools and pilot shops. Pilots who find themselves confronted with a zombie may be able to avoid confrontation by shouting “I have no money.” This may stop or at least slow down the zombies long enough to exit the situation. Indications of a potential encounter include flight schools with many parked planes, bad weather and large parties hosted by unemployed flight instructors. Experts believe these incidents will continue and may intensify until the next major airline furlough, which will discourage future zombies from entering the aviation field.
Humpty-Diddle PSA: The following tools and techniques are the most effective forms of pilot-zombie repellent: • • •
Mathematics Textbooks (Preferrably no more advanced than trigonometry. Higher level mathematics risk killing the zombies.) Insulting their egos. (Be careful as this can also enrage the zombies.) Insisting on pilot-zombie use of common sense. (May also cause sudden berserks.)
As this rare photographic coverage shows, pilot-zombies are well known to be alcoholics who demonstrate limited mental capabilities and the innate ability to locate the nearest alcohol-serving establishment.