Avioff 2017

| Issue 69 | Volume 5318008 | April 1, 2017 | fondle-n-flee.com |

WARNING:

The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!

Enjoy!

HUMPTY-DIDDLE PRESCOTT SECEDES

Hugh Mungus Dept of HDAS Propaganda

In a completely unprecedented move, the Humpty-Diddle Prescott campus has seceded from the Humpty-Diddle community. This comes after a nonstop bombardment of hate memes from student from the Daytona campus.

Prescott has confirmed that they have ditched the governing style of the rest of Humpty-Diddle and will instead use a form of neo-fascism. They have also announced that they have thrown out the Humpty-Diddle mascot for their new mascot, a bear wearing an ushanka riding a unicycle. The school colors are now red and black.

They have also changed their school name to the People’s Republic of the Prescott Union (PRPU).

In a visit to the PRPU, there was definitely a sense of growing nationalism.

Given the new anti-immigration stance, freshman, and especially tour groups, were heavily ostracized.

When asked what had happened to the obvious opposition this move would have encountered, the PRPU SGA Dictator stated that it was of no concern and that asking questions is “problematic.”

In the long run, the former Humpty-Diddle Prescott campus, like the helicopters they fly, will not be missed and were truly never loved.

Leaked CIA Documents Reveal Soviet Spiderbot Destroyed Apollo Landing Site

Photo Credit: KGB Propganda Development Studio

Right: Completely not fake image of the top-secret spiderbot destroying the stupid American’s totally faked “moon landing” accomplishment.

Blowing Enthusiast KGB Bitch Despite the fact that the communists failed to land on a man on the moon during the space race of the cold war, recent leaked documents have reveled one of the failed N1 moon rockets detonated so violently that it was able to fling a soviet porotype war robot to the lunar surface.

The Soviet Spiderbot, as it is referred to in the documentation, preceded to crush the American flag and destroy the Apollo lunar excursion module while exclaiming “poverty is a myth” and other soviet propaganda. CIA spies also informed the department of defense that the Russians did not even know what it was capable of as it was originally designed to open stuck pickle jars and peel potatoes before Khrushchev learned of the project. The arachnid war robot or as the soviets called it CRPYCRWLY-1 declared itself the king of

the moon and set its next objective as to harvest the large quantities of dairy products trapped within the lunar regolith. Multiple cosmonaut teams were sent to try and stop this robotic menace, unfortunately all those missions ended in the cosmonauts being crushed by the robot’s legs as it exhorts “soviet spider lander is superior to western tinfoil craft” or “not even communism can stop communism”. Fortunately, the documents outline a CIA operation dubbed “Operation Extermination” that ended the spider bots reign in the ground zero of a nuclear blast.

Of course, it went down publicly as an “asteroid impact” or “unexpected anomaly of light bouncing of Venus”. Now thanks to this leak the public truly knows what happened up there all those years ago.

To imagine that there was something worse than the Guatemalan crab drone in outer space is truly terrifying.

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Imporant Baffoons Native American Chief

Manager Mcmanagerface

Fake News Editor Trumps Accountant Picture Producer Adblock Distributer

Willy Wonka Sir Mickey Knightengail Harold Neiberkeniezer Vladimir Putin Ivan Complainsky David Cleavageland

Cheap Chinese Labor Party The Only Page You Read

Useless Second Page The Elevator in Adams Alternative Facts Page

404 Page Not Found

I’ve Run out of Ideas Page

Parking Enforcement Missing Cats Page Forgettable Guy You stopped Reading Page of the Future

Soviet KGB Agent Don’t worry about it Death Itself Also Putin Missing Person John doe Officer 420 PETA Name Forgotten G. I. Venup Tom Marrow

Other Useless Nincompoops People who “Borrow” Camera Gear People who don’t Write

Zeus Olympus Phil Meup Jim Sock Aspara Gus John didntfeellikeit Larry Lazypants

Failed Pilots Anonymous Since Humpty-Diddle is a superior flight school we are happy to say no one has failed(publicly)

Supreme Emperor Ronald Drumf, Supreme Leader of The Galaxy

Other Completely Invariable Information

Rejection Hotline: (407) 916-14EVR If you wanna get screwed: (888) SCREWYU Who Faxes anyway? (SCR) EWTHAT Chief Strong Bear

Manager Mcmangerface

Fake News Editor Adblock Distributer Trumps Accountant Photo Dealer

wigwam@diddle.xxx dontbotherl@diddle.xxx doesntreply@diddle.xxx

losingmoney@diddle.xxx vputin@russianfederation.rus stopbotheringme@diddle.xxx

Website: Humpty-Diddle.xxx (not .edu)

This is a cry for help, I have been trapped at this school for over forty years trying desperately to finally graduate. Unfortunately at every step of the way Diddle comes up with another excuse to keep me here. They said that I had to retake every single class I had already taken because of a clerical error. They even had the audacity to say that they didn’t have any record of me at all. I cant imagine why, its not like I have been pretending to be a student to reap the benefits of student discounts and financial aid to help me finance my drug addiction.

I really don’t know how I am going to get out of this place and any help at this point is much appreciated . I am currently surviving on one meal a week provided by the Avioff newspaper after I am forced to work like a slave for over eight hours to produce their horrible tabloid. By the way have you ever heard of the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise.

Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself. I believe that this is a good metaphor for my current situation as during my time here at Humpty-Diddle I have learned many things that may be considered illegal in multiple states. If anyone is actually still reading this please visit us in our office and you will receive a sticker for your commitment to this complete waste of time.

Finally, the Avioff is meant as a joke and nothing is to be taken seriously .

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HDAS Opens StudentPowered Salt Mine

A Definite 8/10 Spelling Fascist Humpty-Diddle Airplane School unveiled an operation last week intended to lower student tuition by a generous .0001%.

It will be powered by natural byproducts from our very own Diddle student body: salt. Administration and Manglement Offices noticed a significant increase in salt output after progress for the new Student Disunion kept getting pushed back.

The mine’s opening saw a record-breaking amount of this briny mineral with the announcement that some parking spaces will have to be reserved for

the dump trucks to transport these huge loads of salt produced by students.

Rumor has it the spots will be located behind the Lemon Building for Engifarring for easy dump access. The sheer amount of salt generated by exams being 98.1% of the total grade is expected to rival the amount present on the shores of Dirtona Beach.

Professors from the College of Arts and Crafts studying this operation have noticed significant increases in production during certain times, especially when the MarkupPlex was built at a speed approaching Mach 7 while the Student DisUnion remained dirt.

To keep production levels high, and possibly decrease tuition by a further .0005%, make sure to refer to all fraternities

as frats, think about slow construction on the Student Disunion, and observe the lack of Diddle females as much as possible.

A Definite 8/10/The Avioff Tabloid Legitimate photo of the HDAS Salt Mine, where production has been in overdrive as students deal with the stress of their upcoming exams. It is expected that production will only rise over time.

New Flight Attendant Degree Program for Females J. G. Wentworth Mayor of Flavortown Looking around Humpty-Diddle, there is one thing that any lay person can notice - the very unequal gender ratio, skewed in favor of the male population. It is an issue that concerns everyone, apparently girls are less likely to want a career involving math, science, aviation, or anything that could require thought or an encounter with responsibility.

Luckily, the school administrators have found the solution to this problem, with a degree program that will appeal to the fairer sex. Yes, coming this fall, the new Flight Attendant Degree Program, only for females.

This program was designed exclusively with the purpose of getting more girls into the school, you are welcome heterosexual males.

With classes such as Ascot Tying 101 and Advanced Cart Pushing (see list), there is absolutely nothing complicated for these students to learn. The lack of discipline and thought required by this major is expected to have females from all over the world applying in droves for the chance to completely rid their lives of responsibility.

Each student will receive a skirt, blouse, and an ID badge that identifies them as someone who wasn’t motivated enough to choose a worthwhile career.

By their second semester, they will have achieved an air of superiority as they discuss how much travel their lives will involve and how cultured they will become as they explore airports all over the world (excluding the countries affected by any future bans from the Supreme God Leader).

Upon their graduation, these students will have perfected arts such as pulling along a suitcase and riding escalators and people-movers without falling over.

Each girl will also experience a boost in self-esteem as she embarks upon a career that offers all of the advantages of being a pilot, excluding the harder classwork and spending the duration

of a flight in the cockpit.

This new major is so promising that it causing an uneasiness among the male population, who wish they could forfeit responsibility as well. However, the school is expected to stand firm and not allow people with a Y-chromosome into this program.

After all, being a flight attendant requires the instincts of a caregiver and that isn’t something men are genetically wired to be. It’s not their fault, they just don’t have the natural capacity for kindness that a female is born with.

So ladies, prepare yourselves for campus to be flooded with females as word spreads of this amazing new major built just with you in mind. ;)

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Airline to Offer New Valet Baggage Service Woo Kares Airlyne Slunderer In an effort to reduce boarding times and overhead bin crowding, several major US air carriers have announced new baggage programs. Despite some minor differences the programs will be very similar, and take advantage of a new and creative idea – valet service.

Instead of carrying luggage all the way to the gate, passengers will now be able to valet there bags using a kiosk outside security. The airlines will then take the bags straight to the plane. “It‛s a bold concept” says Nate Mimony, CDO of Evil Jet Airlines. “It will be a new experience for our passengers” he noted.

Once the bag is handed off to the airline, a customer service agent will ensure that

it not only makes the flight but also makes the connection. That‛s right, no more need to carry or pull your luggage through a busy hub, running for that connection you knew was too tight when you booked it. Now, your luggage will transfer to the next flight automatically.

An additional perk of the pro- gram will be found at the security line.

Because the bags are valeted outside security, passengers will no longer have to take them through a security checkpoint. That‛s a big improvement says Stew Uwe, a spokesperson for the YSA (Young Stackers of America).

“The large volume of luggage slows down the screening process.” He said. Uwe went on to note that with less lug-

gage coming through the checkpoints, YSA agents will have more time for overzealous pat downs, invasive body scans, and unnecessary harassment of passengers over the age of 70.

When asked about

the side of the plane one day, and there it was. We were really shocked.” He said.

The efFAAye has applauded the move, stating that reducing luggage in the cabin will improve safety. The agency cited

panic and spilled $15 coffees throughout the cabin. Fortunately, the pilots, both former

where the airline would place the bags, Mimoney deferred the question to the head of Evil Jet‛s operations department, Snot Ontym. Ontym explained that many aircraft apparently have a reserved space on board for luggage, either in the tail or under the cabin. “We opened up a door on

person indicated that several iced coffee did service the incident, though exact figures were not readily available.

Overall, the new programs are expect to help alleviate the irritation of carrying all of your worldly possessions on board your flights. It is not

last month‛s incident involving a Cheapo Airlines jet traveling from Fort Weiner, FLI to Newtown, N3. That aircraft unexpectedly overturned inflight, causing

flight jet pilots were able to right the aircraft.

The cause of the indent was later determined to be excess overhead baggage. In particular, the report cited an overweight bag brought by the woman in 15A, who also spoke loudly on the phone as the plane arrived at the gate. An airline spokes-

clear have many passengers will take advantage of the new offering, but it is a “step in the right direction” says Rush Inagain, a business traveler from Atseata.

Valet bags might not be for everyone but for those savvy enough to take advantage, it will make navigating large airports, like Atseata, slightly less annoying – and that is really the best we can hope for.

rience cold weather without actually having to travel above the Mason-Dixon Line.

To further enhance

the flight experience, Tinman noted that he was currently in talks the effAAye to install snow machines in his

aircraft.

Currently, there is no set date when Iditarod “Sled”-ways will begin to operate.

Igloo Airlines Takes Over Abstinence US Airlines

Former President William Lose Disgraced Writer Igloo Airlines recently acquired Abstinence US Airlines which made Igloo Airlines the seventh largest airline in the United States. Struggling to gain back its investment in the failing airline, Igloo Airlines officially announced last week their decision to kill off the Abstinence Airlines brand and noted that it, “wasn‛t promoting a fun or exciting theme for travelers.”

When asked about his plans for Abstinence Airlines‛ assets, President-Chancellor-Viceroy and CDO

Bró Tinman had this to say: “Abstinence (Airlines), despite being a super boring and unengaging airline, had some really neat sh*t when I looked in their warehouse. Like, I walked in and was like, ‘Bruh, is all of this mine?‛ As for my future plans, I think the airline market needs more fun and excitement so Iditarod “Sled”-ways is gonna be the newest addition to the Igloo Airlines brand.”

While it is unclear what market trends Tinman was watching, what is clear is his vision for Iditarod “Sled”-ways. Iditarod “Sled”-ways will be a regional airline, servicing the lower 48 states

and Puerto Rico. Igloo Airlines will meanwhile continue to operate as is, operating out of random airports across the country.

In order to entice passengers to fly Iditarod “Sled”-ways, Tinman wants to deliver an unforgettable flying experience. Small touches like setting the cabin temperature at -20°F and having Siberian Huskies onboard are just some of the things Tinman believes will set Iditarod “Sled”-ways apart from any other regional airline.

For people in warmer, southern states, Tinman claimed that this would be a great cultural opportunity for them to expe-

01 Student Anarchy Students Question Student Gov. Purchases After Fee Increase Page

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Prop A. Gandha Propaganda Manager Students were both upset and confused when they first learned about the GAS fee increase for that will take effect late next year.

However, after reassurance from the treasurer and the GAS executive board that their money was going to help student organizations and improve campus life they soon settled down. Unfortunately, those good feelings were immediately decimated in favor of anger and skepticism after the GAS moved their office to encompass the entirety of the Gary P. Henderson III Unwelcome Center.

Students really felt their money was not be utilized properly after a yacht was

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launched in the moat around the Unwelcome center causing a large tidal wave that soaked legacy walk with dirty water and alligators.

The GAS president quickly flew in by helicopter to the Unwelcome center and preceded to give a speech to try and limit the damage caused by the student‛s new negative view toward the GAS. Unrest soon turned into rioting after the new Humpty-Diddle GAS flag was flown above the building consisting of over $10,000 in $100 bills sewn together.

Only the future holds the answer to what will happen in this developing story, until then we plan to keep you informed with all the fake alternative facts about incorrect news that is delivered to us by the SGA.

Propaganda Manager: The Avioff Newspaper The SGA’s new office of excellence and superiority located in the Unwelcome Cernter, along with the SS Benjemin Fraknlin and Porpaganda Copter

HDAS Releases Most Wanted List Srgt. A. Ventura Animal Control Humpty-Diddle Airplane School is currently facing an unprecedented plague of vermin on campus.

The main species guilty of existing on Humpty-Diddle‛s campus - cats.

These feline fiends have quickly taken over the campus, with multiple strongholds hidden throughout HDAS. The worst part about this scourge is that it could potentially contiune forever. Most of the prowling cats are not spayed or neutered, and

are therefore capable of breeding.

And believe me, these fornicatory felines are very willing and able to populate the next generation of pests.

The worst offending coital kitten is the black cat nicknamed “The Black Mom-ba,” who is a threeyear-old mother of 13, who has abandoned all of her bastard children.

Luckily for HDAS, 10 of her 13 kittens have been found and disposed of, preventing unknown numbers of future irritations.

As of the publishing of this publication, the HDAS Department of

Animal Control has captured over 20 feral cats, all of which have been destroyed. Euthanasia is the best, final solution for the Humpty-Diddle cat problem.

The HDAS Department of Animal Control has compiled a list of the most dangerous felines on campus, who should be avoided at all costs.

A reward is available for valuable information leading to death or capture of any of these feline felons.

Please do your part to help rid Humpty-Diddle of the feline plague.

Together, we can defeat the feline menace.

16:35:38:00

SHRUB CAM 16 Black Mom-ba and an unknown accomplice were spotted resting somewhere on HDAS campus. Black Mom-ba, left, is wanted on child abandonment and animal control evasion charges. If spotted, please report it immediately.

Haha JK, Black Mom-ba isn’t spotted. She’s all black. Her bite is very strong and her womb is stronger.

ƒƒƒ Kill ur family An Anonymous Letter to People Who Send Us Anonymous Letters APRIL

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By an annoyed editor Editor’s note: The picture to the right was created by famous drummer Ringo Starr, of The Beatles. Please Google this search exactly: Ringo Starr Ms Paint. Then look at the images. They are truly beautiful. For more of his art in this paper, look directly below this box.

This area has been censored. (for your protection)

I‛ll keep my message simple - STOP SENDING US ANONYMOUS LETTERS. You might think you‛re being cool or mysterious or being a vigilante, but on all accounts, you are wrong. When you send anonymous letters to this publication, you are being a coward and an annoyance.

Most of the anonymous letters that the Avioff has received this year are people complaining about on-campus life. News flash, whiners: no one cares.

Everything sucks and we all know it. Be a grown-up and get on with your life. Maybe join a club or the Government of Associated Students, where you might actually be able to make a difference.

At the very least, stand up and complain with your name attached to your words. Be honorable and honest, and people will respect you more than if your voice has no name attached.

Other letters have tried to “break open the case” about some on-campus scandal or another.

Again, no one cares. Yes, it might be a big scandal, but this isn‛t a movie. The journalists the Avioff don‛t have the time or the mental capacity after the living purgatory that is class to investigate your claims, no matter how true they are.

Yes, “Spat-light” was a good movie, but journalism like that takes

a lot of time and effort and money, all of which are in short supply at the Avioff Newspaper.

Another form of anonymous letter that we receive a lot is a letter that is obviously from a campus department but is mildly off-message from the University, so they say it‛s from “a concerned student.”

That kind of letter is especially annoying, since these departments usually print the letters out and hand deliver them. The hand delivery means that one of our poor interns has to type it out If you must send in an anonymous letter to this publication, please follow the following instructions.

1. Write out your letter 2. Print it out 3. Put it in an envelope (large manilla envelopes are preferable) 4.

Seal envelope 5.

Open toilet seat 6. Place letter into toilet water 7. Flush 6 times or until letter is fully flushed 8. Reevaluate your life choices 9.

Stop being a coward and sign your letter 10.

Submit digitally to news@theavioff.xxx

DIDDLE TYCOON GAME REVIEW: TOO EASY; “JUST ACCEPT MORE STUDENTS” Neighborly Lineman Propaganda Manager Growing up with classics like RollerCoaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon I was excited to try out the recently released, well new to me but super old to the world, uni-

versity management game Diddle Tycoon©. Although the beginning hours of running my own university were enjoyable, it came to my attention that the game has some major flaws that conflict with my idea of how a university “should” be run. When I found myself in

need of funds I could just lower the bar for accepting new students, and if I ran out of space I always found myself with plenty of money to build a new residence hall. Pricing of some other objects in the game are also strange, as it seemed very easy and cheap to build resident halls, but parking garages were so expensive I could never afford to build one.

Managing the happiness of my staff and students also seemed way too easy. All I had to do was place hundreds of palm trees and everyone forget about were my profits were going. In addition to flora, I bought some pretty use-

less and ugly buildings to populate potential parking spaces across campus. I also wanted to improve the quality of life for my students so I decided to build a massive new student center, unfortunately there seems to be a bug in the game right now as the student center is taking way too long to construct, as I was able to build a new resident hall, a new research park, and tear down an old smaller residence hall before construction even started on the UC. The game has some real potential, unfortunately the glitches and bugs buried deep within the code keep it from achieving greatness.

Diddle Tycoon

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The Avion

Opinion/Feature

April

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DIDDLE‛S STEAMY MEMEY DEPOSITORY