Before You Say I Do

New Beginnings Fellowship Church Before You Say “I DO” Classes

Groom: _____________________________________________________ Bride: ______________________________________________________ Wedding Date: _______________________________________________

James Anthony Jackson, Senior Pastor

Introduction Ah, yes, marriage. Something that, for some of us, has been that wonderful goal; that dream, that pie-in-the-sky fulfillment of hopes and dreams that have existed for so very long. For some, it’s something that we’ve planned for, longed for, rehearsed. We’ve practiced writing our names in the “Mr. & Mrs.” mode, just to see what it looks and sounds like.

For others, it’s also something we’ve looked forward to – but with dread. We’re doing it because we’re required to do it, but there’s a fear involved. We’ve seen so many of them go up in smoke, not work, be not labors of love, but just labors. We’ve read statistics, worried about “commitment,” wondering if we’ll be able to really do it.

In these lessons, we will examine what marriage actually is… and what it is not. We’ll look at it from God’s perspective; see what He has to say. We will frankly discuss principles, ideas, hints, and clues, yellow (and sometimes red!) flags, along with many, many other issues.

There are three basic audiences for this class: 

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Group #1: Those who are already in a committed relationship, with wedding plans already made or being discussed. Completion of the 8 weeks of this course (by the couple) is one of the requirements for those who are considering getting married at New Beginnings Fellowship Church.

Group #2: This group consists of those who are in a relationship, but do not have present plans (at least not to the knowledge of both people!).

These people are in the “dating” stage, and really want to find out principles, ideas, etc., that can help the overall relationship.

Group #3: These are people who are not in a relationship, but really want to know the principles up front, before they even choose someone.

This class can give a great “head start” to them, helping them in their selection.

As we go through these lessons, what we ask is that you are honest, especially with yourselves. There is the possibility that some who are taking this class (especially those who fall in groups 1 or 2) may find that the person you are with is not the person you should be with, or at least not now. If this be the case, it’s much better to find that out now, before you say “I do”, instead of later on, when you can’t agree on anything!

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Lesson 1: What Is Marriage? or “Do you know where we’re going to?”

“Let’s get married.” “Will you marry me?” “How about we make it official?”

“Let’s you and me become ‘we’!”

There are many ways to say it, but the whole idea of marriage is something that we have grown up with. For most of us, it’s part of that natural life progression: grow up, get married, have children, etc. However, how many of us actually have given thought to what “marriage” actually means? I mean, we hear it, say it, even see it. But what are we actually talking about? And (here’s a key question) does the person we’re planning on marrying share our views?

As we begin to delve even deeper in the definition of “marriage,” we will look at what it is – and what it isn’t. We will look at what God’s plan is – and what it isn’t.

I. The Godly Marriage A. God instituted marriage. (Genesis 2:18-25, Ephesians 5:22-33) 1. Leaving 2. Cleaving 3. Weaving 4. “Helpmeet” and unity B. The purpose of marriage. (Genesis 1:28; 2:18) C. The proper marriage foundation.

1. Foundation must be sound to resist the storms. (Matthew 7:24-27) 2. “Unequally yoked”. (2 Corinthians 6:14-16) 3. Christians have the keys to unlock the door to a successful marriage. (2 Corinthians 5:17; Romans 5:5) Christians understand that marriage is a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fears of its sanctions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made.

II. Reasons for Marriage A. What are reasons that people marry? (How to start out right vs. How to start out wrong.)

B. How do those compare with what God has said?

C. If there are gaps, they need to be addressed – and closed!

III. Marriageability Traits A. Certain traits, manifested in a Christian, should increase the potential for success in marriage. (Galatians 5:22-23) B. How do these traits compare with our own traits? Or the traits of our partner?

C. If there are gaps, they need to be addressed – and closed!

Marriage ought to be a bond of love, reflecting the love Christ has for His people; a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife have become one, one flesh, a unity.

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IV. The Relationship Triangle.

God

Man

Woman

Suggested Readings: “Finding Your Perfect Mate” by H. Norman Wright; “A Marriage Without Regrets” by Kay Arthur; “A Good Man is Hard to Find (Unless you Ask God to be Head of Your Search Committee” by Jo Lynne Pool.

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Lesson 2: Fulfilling Needs in Marriage Or “If You Don’t…”

Needs. We all have them, regardless of what we say. And it’s a fairly safe assumption that few of us actively seek someone who cannot or will not be able to fulfill at least some of these needs. One of the main motivating factors for marriage is the fulfillment of needs in one’s life.

While it’s very admirable and noble to say that we are marrying the other person in order to help them fulfill their needs, the truth of the matter is that we do hope that our needs will also be met. Even if our main goal is to “take care of” our partner, that in itself can be our need… to “take care” of someone.

A major complaint of most couples is that their needs are not being met IN their relationship. And believe it or not, it’s not always for the lack of trying. One partner may be attempting to meet the needs of the other, but they don’t always know what those needs actually are and/or doesn’t know exactly how to meet them.

Suggested reading: “His Needs / Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage” by Willard F. Harley I. Four Critical Needs in Every Marriage A. Physical B. Emotional C. Spiritual D. Social and intellectual How will your spouse know how to meet your needs in these areas if they don’t know what they are? If you tell your spouse what your needs are, will it take the fun, spontaneity and romance out of the marriage?

II. God has promised to meet all of our needs. (Matthew 6:33-34; Philippians 4:19) III. The concept of self-esteem or self-image is important in marriage.

A. What is your self-image or self-concept based on? What should it be based on?

(Genesis 1:26; Psalm 139:14) B. Consider your self-image in the following areas: a. Status: How important am I? b. Belongingness: Being wanted or accepted. c. Worthiness: I am good; I matter. d. Competence: Feeling adequate If one marries with a low self-esteem or self-concept, especially in one of these areas, a strain can be placed on the marriage.

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His Needs Her Needs -- A discussion and exercise for couples Discussion Topics based on a book by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Dr. Willard Harley is a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist who has over 25 years experience in marriage counseling. He identifies the ten most important marital needs of husbands and wives. He states that a man's basic needs are: 1. Sexual fulfillment 2. Recreational companionship 3. An attractive spouse 4. Domestic support 5. Admiration A woman's basic needs are: 1. Affection 2. Conversation 3. Honesty and openness 4. Financial support 5. Family commitment Questions for both: Do you agree with this list? Or, what would you add or subtract so that the list would represent you?

The Irresistible Man Dr. Harley believes that any husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs.

1. Affection. Her husband tells her that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her.

Question for him: How do I show affection?

Question for her: What would I like him to do to show affection and how often?

2. Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never judgmental, always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and he responds – with interest. He is never too busy "to just talk."

Question for him: What would help me be more willing to talk and listen?

Questions for her: What kind of conversation do I want more of and how do I want you to listen to me?

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3. Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself; leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.

Question for both: Are we satisfied with the honesty in our relationship or are there changes we'd like to make?

4. Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty to forty-five-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.

Questions for both: Do we agree with the author? What changes would we like to make "if the world were perfect"?

5. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so that they will do a good job training the children. He and she discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training or discipline without her approval. He recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.

Questions for him: Are you overwhelmed with responsibility? How do you believe you are showing your commitment?

Question for her: What do you like about his commitment to family and what else would you like to have him do?

The Irresistible Woman A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs. l. Sexual fulfillment. His wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand which brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.

Questions for both: Are we satisfied with our sexual experience? What changes would we like? Would we benefit by learning more from books or a therapist?

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2. Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he enjoys most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can enjoy together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.

Questions for both: What activities do we enjoy together? What other mutual interests might we explore?

3. Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful.

He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.

Questions for both: How important is this idea and do we want to make changes?

4. Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.

Questions for her: Do you feel pressured to manage the home? What changes would you like?

Questions for him: Do you feel resentful about how the home is taken care of?

What changes would you like?

5. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she chose to marry.

Questions for her: In what ways and for what qualities do you admire him? How could you admire him more?

Questions for him: When do you notice your wife's admiration? In what ways could she affirm you more often?

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Lesson 3: Expect the Unexpected or “What Just Happened?”

In business, one of the key elements to successful customer service is the early alignment of expectations between both the customer and the service provider.

Knowing that the “steak will be a little late” because you were informed by a conscientious waiter is a lot easier to take than finding out that it’s late after twenty minutes of sitting with no communication and nothing but rolls. By the same token, having the prices marked right there on the menu is the restaurant’s way of letting the customers know what will be expected of them once they’ve eaten.

We see it every day, in every situation. We have expectations of others, and they have expectations of us. We expect to find those out as soon as possible (and feasible), and we actually feel valued when others seek to know ours. And it’s no different in marriage.

Every person who marries enters the marriage relationship with certain expectations. This is natural… and hopefully expected. These expectations come from a variety of sources: parents, values, society, books, friends, movies, our own ideas, etc.

Depending on the individuals involved, some of the expectations can be considered “realistic”, while others may be WAAAAAYYY out there. Whatever they are, it is extremely important to take the time to find out what these expectations are, which can be achieved, which ARE realistic, and how to handle them when things do not go according to plans.

The word “expectation” carries with it the attitude of hope. One definition of “hope” is “the anticipation of something good.” Hope is necessary as it motivates us and often is one thing that can keep us going.

Suggested reading: “Your Love & Marriage” by Willard F. Harley I. Honesty is Key A. What are your expectations?

B. Are you being honest with your partner?

C. Are you being honest with yourself?

II. Some Biblical Expectations for Marriage A. Roles and responsibilities. Ephesians 5:22-33 B. Sexual relations in marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 C. Leaving, cleaving and weaving. Genesis 2:24

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III. Common Expectations for Marriage A. Expect marriage to work out and never end in divorce B. Expect marital fidelity. Marital unfaithfulness can be other than sexual.

1. Career 2. Family 3. Activities C. Expect marriage to progress smoothly onward and upward without any major upheavals or adjustments.

IV. Three Stages of Marriage A. Enchantment – ecstasy, infatuated, thrilled… “We’ve arrived!”

B. Disenchantment – terrible, give up, burdened… “We’ll never make it.”

C. Maturity – compromise, growing, complementing, encouragement… “Together we can make it.”

V. Handling Adversity in Marriage A. Trials produce patience. James 1:2,3 B. Trials prove your faith. 1 Peter 1:6,7

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Lesson 4: Dealing With Conflict in Marriage Or “How to Stay Off the Jerry Springer Show” “We never have any conflict in our relationship.” That statement should begin with “Once upon a time…”. For truly, if one expects a relationship to be totally devoid of conflict, then it must be a fairy tale. However, “happily ever after” CAN be a reality, once it’s realized that it’s “happily – EVEN AFTER he/she gets on my last nerve!”

Some of you may have entered into your relationship thinking that you will never have conflict, and so far, you’re correct. It’s all so lovely, and things are going so smoothly for you all. You don’t even understand how other couples can argue like they do. Then, the first real test comes, the first real conflict where sides are taken, an argument ensues – and now that your “perfect relationship” is crushed, you don’t know what to do. Give up? Find someone else? Since you never thought it would occur, you’re not ready to handle it.

Are you anticipating conflict in your marriage? If not, you ARE in for a surprise.

Conflict is a fact of life. It has been defined as a clash, contention, or a sharp disagreement over interests, ideas, etc. And it can happen at any time, and, if we’re not careful, over any thing.

Why does it occur? The answer is simply that we are human beings – imperfect people who God graciously loves in spite of our imperfections. When you put two imperfect things together, it’s inevitable. Each of us has our own desires, wants, needs, goals. When any of these differ from one another, conflict may occur. We may have differences in beliefs, ideas, attitudes, feelings and behavior. Remember this: the differences themselves are not the problem, but rather the reaction to them.

If the truth be told, it’s only natural for conflict to occur between two people, because it happens in just one! We experience conflict within ourselves! We can reach stress because of things that happen in us. In addition, we have a “sin nature” that hinders us from being loving, kind and unselfish in our relationship with others.

I. The Source of Conflicts (James 4:1-3) A. Many conflicts are simply symptoms of something else.

B. Do you see what I see?

II. The adverse effect of anger on conflict.

A. We stop listening.

B. We only think about winning and being right.

C. We will not seek to be Spirit-led.

III. Choices in Dealing with Conflict A. Yield B. Withdrawn C. Resolve D. Win E. Compromise Before I Say “I Do” Classes

IV. Biblical Example/Principles of Conflict Resolution A. Do not sin. (Psalm 4:4) B. Let it last only a moment. (Psalm 30:5) C. Don’t let it linger. (Psalm 37:8) D. Be slow to anger. (Psalm 86:15; 103:8) E. Don’t provoke. (Psalm 106:29) F. Our response can be key. (Proverbs 15:1, 4, 23) G. LISTEN effectively! (Proverbs 18:13) H. Wise or Fool? (Proverbs 29:8, 11) I. Our actions can make it inevitable. (Proverbs 30:33) J. Don’t be a hothead. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) K. Remain calm. (Ecclesiastes 10:4) L. Reconcile. (Matthew 5:23-24) M. Don’t forget that we’ve been wrong AND forgiven, too! (Matthew 18:21-35) N. Sharp disagreements can have lasting effects. (Acts 15:38-40) O. What is the motive? (Romans 2:8) P. Take care of it; don’t give Satan an opportunity. (Ephesians 4:26-27) Q. Expectations (which WE own) can lead to problems. (2 Corinthians 12:20) R. Get rid of it! (Colossians 3:8) S. Listen quick, speak slow. (James 1:19) Suggested Reading: “15 Minutes to Build a Stronger Marriage” by Bobbie and Myron Yagel

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Lesson 5: Recognizing Roles and Responsibilities Or “Whose is What?”

“It’s her job!” “That for the man to do.” These are statements that all of us say, think and/or feel at some time or another. They come from all kinds of places: our previous relationships, our parents, friends, society, tradition, etc. Look even how husbands are portrayed in the media.

Remember this: Satan does not want us to be in God’s will, and will do everything to try to stop it.

Failure to clarify the husband/wife roles and responsibilities in a marriage can be a major cause of marital disruption. Each couple should discuss together and decide who is the most competent to do which task. Couples must deliberately and mutually develop the roles and guidelines for their relationship as husband and wife. This clear assignment of authority and responsibility by the spouses does not create a rigid relationship, but instead allows flexibility and order in what could become a chaotic mess.

I. How will the woman’s roles be defined in your marriage?

A. Property B. Complement C. Junior partner D. Equal partner II. Roles and Responsibilities in marriage according to the Word of God. (Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Peter 3:1-8) A. The wife’s responsibility 1. The “S” word.

2. “hupotasso”, hoop-ot-as’-so; put under, make subject to, to subordinate.

Military term that indicates understanding of rank. “You’d better recognize!”

3. Not to be confused with “obey”. (Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20, 22). “hupakouo, hoop-ak-oo’-o – to heed or conform to a command or authority: hearken, be obedient to. “Do what I say!”

4. Not just to the husband but “as unto the Lord.”

5. Limits on wife’s submission. 1 Peter 3:1-2; Colossians 3:18; Acts 5:29 B. The husband’s responsibility 1. Love your wives, even as Christ loved the church.

2. Priest of the home: family worship, study of Scripture, prayer, church attendance, etc.

3. Example for all.

4. Leadership of for all.

5. Providing for all: physical welfare, food, clothing, shelter, etc.

6. Is he ever to be submissive?

7. Who benefits because of the headship of the husband?

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III. In the marriage, the husband has the “office” of the head A. Responsibility and authority within the marriage.

B. Headship has nothing to do with being “boss” or dictator.

C. Headship does not imply inferiority or superiority.

D. The ideal marriage: Christ  Husband  Wife IV. Decision Making A. Every couple should establish a procedure for making marital decisions, and that procedure should be honored.

B. Who makes the decisions versus who is best qualified to make the decisions?

C. The concept of mutual submissiveness; assignment of leadership roles.

Suggested Reading: “Christian Living in the Home” by Jay E. Adams

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Lesson 6: Diversity in Differences or “Let’s Make it Complete!”

Diversity, in its basic form, it simply someone who is not you. Though there may be basic similarities, it is vitally important to realize this: Your partner is not you. He or she is someone other than you, created in God’s image, not yours. Nor is that partner someone waiting to be molded into something that you want them to be. They have a right to be who they are, and to be treated and respected as such.

If you plan to marry, there is a great chance that you have a preconceived idea of your ideal mate: how they look, act, dress, etc. You must realize that this is your idea, and others will not necessarily live according to you. After awhile, you will begin to realize that your mate does not necessarily line up with your fantasy, and this can be a problem area. When this does happen, what do you do? Accept and give up/in? Begin a 12-step reform program? Or realize the beauty in diversity and differences.

I..Unique Creation of God A. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) B. We were created in God’s image… not our mate’s. (Genesis 1:26) C. As Christians, we are new creatures. (2 Corinthians 5:17) D. We are being conformed to the image of Christ. (Romans 8:29) II. There is Unity in Diversity A. An example from spiritual gifts. (1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 18-20) B. Diversity in marriage partners is complementary.

C. Focus on the commonality.

D. Make allowance because of love. (Ephesians 4:2) The “oneness” in marriage is not similarity or sameness in matters relating to ideas or feelings, but to the oneness of understanding.

III. Differences in Marriage – the Potential for Growth and Enhancement A. Couples planning to get married should ask themselves these questions: 1. How are we similar? Is this good, bad or neutral?

2. How are we different? Is this good, bad or neutral?

3. How can these similarities and differences complement one another in our relationship?

B. Does “different” equal “wrong”?

C. Marriage will change the both of you, in a process of being shaped into a form far more beautiful than either could imagine. “Weave”.

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Lesson 7: Love As A Basis for Marriage or “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Love. Luv. LOVE. L-O-V-E! “Makes the world go ‘round.” Love and happiness… something that’ll make you do wrong; make you do right.” “I Do Love You.” “That’s the Way Love Goes.”

When asked, most couples will inevitably include “love” as a basis for their upcoming marriage – they “love” their fiancé. Thus, they will marry them. But, just for this class, let’s assume that in order to be married, you had to convince a jury, comprised of the people in this class, that you really do love this other person. Could you do that? Would it be an open and shut case? Would they deliberate for hours, possibly ending in a hung jury? Or would it be thrown out for lack of evidence?

Yes, love is the basis for marriage; most won’t argue with that. However, where you do get a lot of discussion is on this – what IS love? How is it defined? Are there different types of love? How do YOU define it? What has brought you to this conclusion? And does your partner have that same definition? Are you sure?

In this lesson, we will focus on what the Word of God says about love, and why love is essential and necessary in a good marriage.

I. Scriptural References.

A. Proverbs 10:12 – Covering.

B. Song of Solomon 8:7 – Unquenchable C. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 – Increasing D. Colossians 3:12-14 – Unifying E. Proverbs 17:9 – Forgiving II. Total Love.

A. Three basic types of love: Agape, Phileo, Eros 1. Agape, ah-gah’-pay; Self-giving love; “in-spite-of” love; the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable; God’s love; love that seeks nothing in return; sacrificial love.

2. Phileo, fil-eh’-o; brotherly love; friendship.

3. Eros, eh’-ros; sensual love; sexual love.

B. Which is most important? Why? C. They do NOT have to be (nor should they be) mutually exclusive in a marriage.

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III. Biblical Definition of Love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love can be described by many elements – both positive and negative.

A. Positives – What love is or does.

1. Suffers long 2. Is kind 3. Protects 4. Trusts 5. Hopes 6. Perseveres 7. Rejoices with the truth B. Negatives – What loves is not or does not do.

1. Not envious 2. Does not boast 3. Is not proud 4. Is not rude 5. Is not self-seeking 6. Is not easily angered 7. Keeps no record of wrongs 8. Doesn’t delight in evil Which of these are areas you see in your mate? In YOU? Suggested Reading: “Finding Your Perfect Mate” by H. Norman Wright

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Lesson 8: Goals in Marriage or “Going My Way?” What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “goal”? A touchdown? Perhaps a score in soccer? Maybe a promotion, a cruise, a child, or even (dare we say) “marriage.”

Goals are important, and exponentially so when it’s more than just you setting them. Goals can be different things to different people. But in any relationship that’s planning on going somewhere, it’s important that you know not only the goals of your mate, but also your own, Think of the various aspects of your relationship: intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, social, financial. Then answer, what are your goals?        

Where do I want to be in three years? Five? Thirty?

What about education?

How many children do I want?

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Do I want any?

Where do I want to live?

Condo? Apartment? House? Old or new?

Previous owner or one I have built?

What kind of car do I want to drive?

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What are my business/professional goals?

Do I have an entrepreneurial spirit?

How much money do I want to make?

How much is “enough?”

What about retirement?

What goals do I have for my marriage?

What do I want it to become?

What do I want it to reflect?

As you can see, there are an endless number of questions that can be asked regarding goals. Some may not seem important to you, but is that true for your partner? While we all have a goal to “be happy”, that is too broad; that’s the “world peace” thing. True goals need to be more specific.

Some people may have personal goals, but less than 3% of married couples have set goals for their marriage – together. How successful can your “weaving” be if you don’t have any clue of what you’re trying to do or where you’re trying to go? And believe me, if you don’t know where you’re going, you will not know you when you get there!

Suggested Reading: “Visioneering” by Andy Stanley; “Finding the Will of God in a Crazy Mixed-Up World” by Tim LaHaye.

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I. Scriptural References: A. Proverbs 14:8 – Give thought to your ways B. Proverbs 16:2 – Check your motives C. Proverbs 16:3 – Commit it to God! D. Proverbs 21:5 – Diligence works E. Proverbs 21:31 – Victory is in God’s hands II. What is a goal?

A. How does it differ from a target?

1. Goals should determine targets.

2. If you see targets being hit that are not consistent with the goal, what does that tell you?

B. Goals indicate commitment.

III. Three attributes of a “goal.”

A. It must be specific – well defined, to the point B. It must be realistic and/or attainable C. It must have a time limit – “someday” does not count IV. Goals in Marriage are Critical.

A. Most successful marriages are headed in a particular direction, set by the goals of those in the marriage.

B. Goal #1 – Individual. Conform to the image of Christ. (Romans 8:29) C. Goal #2 – Shared. A Godly marriage, characterized by unity. (Genesis 2:24)

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The Goal Wheel List six goals for your relationship on the “goal wheel” below. Write one goal in each of six spaces. Then take one of the remaining spaces and write a goal that you personally would like to achieve within three to five years. In the remaining space, write a goal that you would like to see your partner achieve within three to five years. (Remember, a goal should be specific, realistic, attainable, and have a time limit.

Now follow these directions concerning your goals.

1. Place a * by four of the eight goals that you feel are the most important. Then rank them in order of importance.

2. Place a 0 by any two of the eight goals that you would be willing to forego if absolutely necessary.

3. Place a $ by the ones that cost money.

4. Place a P by the ones you learned from your parents.

5. Place an M by the ones you think your mate wrote down.

6. Be prepared to give a one-sentence explanation of why your relationship goals are important to the health of your relationship.

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Lesson 9: Inlaws or Outlaws – It’s Your Choice or “Everybody Loves Raymond” What do you think about when you hear the term, “in-law”? What does it mean to you? The in-law. The much-maligned butt of many jokes. The person(s) who is most likely to get on that one last nerve that you had been saving. The people who have made “Everybody Loves Raymond” one of the top comedies of the year. And it’s not alone. How many shows and movies have this as a feature? Hollywood has made millions off of the dysfunctional relationship between in-laws.

But before we’re too quick to come down hard on in-laws, remember this one nugget of wisdom: You, my friend, will be an in-law, too!

That’s right, you are about to become an in-law. The term refers to a relationship that is generated via marriage. Whereas they were her parents, now they will be your parents-in-law. His sister will be your sister-in-law. Her Crazy Cousin Pooky? You’ve got it!

But regardless of what Hollywood or anyone else says, no relationship has to be a certain way just because that’s what others say about it. Much of what you get is dependent on what you expect from it and what you put into it. If you go on a date a anticipate having a terrible time, odds are you will. If you know you won’t like a particular movie, your inner self will try its level best to bring about that feeling. We are very good at self-fulfilling prophesies, and that includes in relationships with our in-laws.

If you are constantly fed information about how terrible they are, then you are already making it harder. But believe this… it doesn’t have to be a negative relationship.

The presence of Jesus Christ in your life can help you in building positive in-law relationships. Many, many marriages have failed because of in-law influences. Start early and develop (and manage) healthy in-law relationships – they don’t have to be outlaws!

Remember: Marriage is a merger – not only of a man and woman, but of their two families.

I. Some Biblical examples of In-Law relationships.

A. Isaac and Rebecca, parents-in-law. (Genesis 26:34 – 27:46) 1. Esau’s wives were a source of grief. (Genesis 26:34-35) 2. Conniving and interfering. (Genesis 27:5-17, 42-46) 3. What was Isaac doing?

B. Laban and Jacob, his son-in-law. (Genesis 29:15-30) C. Moses and Jethro, his father-in-law. (Exodus 2:18-22; 3:1; 4:18; 18:13-24) 1. Moses honored Jethro. (Exodus 4:18; 18:7) 2. Elders (others) honored Jethro. (Exodus 18:12) 3. Jethro saw potential in Moses, but didn’t push him. He spoke with words that promote learning. (Exodus 18:14, 17-23; Proverbs 16:21-23) 4. Moses received Jethro’s wise advice. (Exodus 18:24) D. Ruth and Naomi, her mother-in-law. (Ruth 1:16-17) Before I Say “I Do” Classes

II. Leave, Cleave, Weave A. Does “leaving and cleaving” mean “ignoring”? (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7,8; Matthew 19:5) B. We are also told to “honor thy father and mother.” (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2) 1. Honor – from the Hebrew “kabed” which means “weight.”

2. What does “weight” mean?

C. We are to support them when they become elderly. (1 Timothy 5:3-16) D. Proper balance in maintaining family ties is key.

III. Conflicts and In-Laws A. Some serious issues that can be areas for conflict.

1. Lending money.

2. Holiday celebrations and visits.

3. Grandchildren.

4. “My mama didn’t do it that way.”

5. Love without imitation: “bring the good, leave the bad.”

B. Who is responsible for taking care of the conflict?

Suggested Reading: “Your Wife is Not Your Momma” by Wellington Boone; “Loving Your Relatives” by David & Claudia Arp and John & Margaret Bell.

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Lesson 10: Communication Or “Huh?” Communication is to love what blood is to life. It is impossible to have any kind of relationship unless there is communication. That is true for you and your fiancé, as well as for your relationship with God. If we really want to know someone, then it is imperative that we communicate with them… really communicate. This includes listening to all of what someone is saying – not just to the point where you feel you’ve “got it.” Sometimes we are so focused on someone listening to us that we fail to listen to them.

When we communicate, what do we say? How do we say it? How often do we say it? How long do we say it? How many times do we, because we really haven’t communicated with someone, fill in the ‘informational gap” with our own assumptions?

It is vitally important that couples should try to keep open the lines of communication between them. Communication is the master key that will open every door.

I. Biblical References on Communication A. Taming the tongue, use discretion. (James 3:8-10) B. Only what’s in comes out. (Proverbs 6:12-18) C. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. (James 1:19) D. Be patient with your words. (Proverbs 15.28) E. Speak appropriate words. (Proverbs 15:23) F. Exercise restraint. (Proverbs 11:12-13) G. Being quarrelsome causes strife. (Proverbs 17:9; 21:9, 19; 25:24) H. There’s power in a gentle answer: (Proverbs 15:1) I. Take the opportunity to overlook. (Proverbs 19:11) J. Be truthful, honest. (Proverbs 16:13; Ephesians 4: 15, 25) K. Not just what you say, but how you say it. (Proverbs 27:14) II. Communication Components A. Content B. Tone C. Nonverbal Our nonverbal communication, along with the tone of voice, are essential elements that are even more important that what we say.

III. Other Critical Factors A. Communication at the cognitive level B. Communication at the emotional level C. Verification is important.

D. EVERYTHING is filtered – and you don’t own most of them.

E. Understand the concept of “Transactional Analysis”.

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Key Ideas in Transactional Analysis Ego State Model (PAC Model) An ego state is a set of related behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, a way in which we manifest a part of our personality at a given time. Transactional analysis portrays three ego states:  Adult – Behaving, thinking, feeling in response to what is going on around me in the here and now.  Parent – Behaving, thinking, feeling in ways that are a copy of one of my parents or other parent figures.  Child – Behaving, thinking, feeling that I used when I was a child.

Transactions and Strokes  “I can address you from any of my ego states, and you can reply in turn.” This exchange is a transaction.  When you and I transact, I signal recognition of you and you return that recognition; any act of recognition is a “stroke.”  People need strokes to maintain their psychical and psychological well-being.

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WORDS WOMEN USE “Fine” This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“Five Minutes” This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

“Nothing” This means "something," and you should be on your toes.

"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" “Go Ahead” (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“Go Ahead” (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.

A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" Soft Sigh Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content.

Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

“That’s Okay” This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

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“Please Do” This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" “Thanks” A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

“Thanks A Lot” This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

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WORDS MEN USE Alright Then: Ok I agree Talk Loud: (But they say they do not) They want to be heard, want to get a point across Silent Treatment: Mad or their thinking process to sort things out Quiet: Means I am done with it, end of discussion Don’t Worry About it: Means I will take care of it. Not an issue or concern for wife he just took it ownership We’ll See: Undecided about the results. His mind is not made up yet.

Please: Either he is being polite or begging, or sarcasm Sorry: Hard to Say; Men try to express being sorry in other ways then saying the actual word. (It may take men a while to understand women need to actually hear the word “Sorry”

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Lesson 11: Finances Or “For the Love of Money” You may (or may not) know that “money” is listed as one of the top reasons for divorce among couples. It is the center of the “PMS” triumvirate (power, money, sex) that is the embodiment of so many problems in relationships.

Many (including the O’Jays) misquote 1 Timothy 6:10 and say that “money is the root of all evil.” They leave out the key: “The LOVE of money…”

As you seek to join together, heading for a long-lasting and beautiful relationship, it is imperative that you understand the attitude towards money – both theirs and yours. Even if you all are on the exact same page, there will still be adjustments to be made. (Also remember, just because you’re on the same page, doesn’t always mean you’re in the same paragraph. In fact, it doesn’t even mean you’re in the same BOOK! It’s worth your while to find out.)

Financial disruptions and difficulties in marriage can place a strain upon the relationship. And it’s like a bad pair of shoes: they are only on your feet, but everything else is affected!

You AND your partner should honestly determine what is important to you in terms of finances and make some realistic plans.

I. Your Attitude About Money A. How to regard it. (1 Timothy 6:10, 17; Proverbs 11:24-25, 28; 23:1-5) B. How to acquire it. (Proverbs 14:23; 21:5-6; 28:19; Matthew 25:27; Ephesians 4:28; 2 Thessalonians 3:7-12) C. How to spend it. Proverbs 21:20; Malachi 3:10-12; Romans 13:8; Ephesians 4:28; Philippians 4:11-19; 1 Timothy 5:8) D. Remember: It belongs to GOD… we are just stewards! (Psalm 24; Luke 16:1-15) II. Money and Marriage: Some Ideas on Budgeting A. Things NOT to do: 1. Don’t rush into a budget before you know how much you currently spend.

2. Don’t intermingle funds.

3. Don’t cheat your budget.

4. Don’t overdo it, keeping track of every penny.

B. Things TO do: 1. Plan together, seek agreement and cooperation, and be willing to be accountable.

2. Define your goals; launch your budget with a purpose in mind.

3. Divide dollars according to the family’s needs and wants.

4. Think first; use common sense.

5. Plan for big expenses.

6. Keep roles and responsibilities straight.

7. Be flexible.

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III. Other Important Factors.

A. If at first you don’t succeed, DON’T GIVE UP! B. The presence of Jesus will help.

C. Mine… Yours… OURS!!!

D. Think of the “Hand” IV. More Biblical References.

A. Proverbs 3:9 – Firstfruits.

B. Proverbs 10:5 – Gather while you can.

C. Proverbs 13:11 – NO dishonest money. Gather to make it grow.

D. Proverbs 17:16 – Money without wisdom.

E. Proverbs 30:8-9 – What do you want from God? Suggested Reading: “The Financially Challenged” by Wilson J. Humber; “Financial Peace” and “Financial Peace Planner”, both by Dave Ramsey; “The Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey

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Some Reasons for Divorce She married him because he was such a "strong, forceful man" Then divorced him because he was too "dominating"

He married her because she was so "fragile and petit" Then divorced her because she was too "weak and helpless"

She married him because he knew how "to be a good provider" Then divorced him because "all he thought about was work"

He married her because "she reminded him of his mother" Then divorced her because "she was more like a mother than a wife"

She married him because he was "happy and smiled a lot" Then divorced him because he was "complacent and joked too much"

He married her because she was "steady and sensible" Then divorced her because she too "boring and dull"

She married him because he was "the life of the party" Then divorced him because "he wanted to socialize all the time"

He married her because she "knew the value of a 'buck'"

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Then divorced her because she "insisted on following a budget"

She married him because he "took care of his body" Then divorced him because he "spent too much time at the gym"

He married her because she was such a "good conversationalist" Then divorced her because she was too "chatty"

She married him because he "loved kids" Then divorced him because "he wanted too big of a family"

He married her because she "catered to his whims" Then divorced her because she was too "smothering"

She married him because he knew how to "satisfy a woman" Then divorced him because he was a "sex maniac"

He married her because she was the "girl of his dreams" Then divorced her because she was a "nightmare"

She married him because he "loved to travel" Then divorced him because he "couldn't settle down in one place"

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Lesson 12: Sex in Marriage Or “When We Gonna Get to the Good Part?””

Sex. Next to finance, it is one of the main reasons for divorce. It almost funny, because if the truth be told, sex is one of the main reasons that many people get married in the first place. Though the physical intimacy of “sex” may only be a relatively minor percentage of your lives together, it can have GREAT impact on other parts of your relationship. Sociologists say that when it is “good”, it equates to approximately 10% of the relationship. However, when it is “bad”, it’s 90%.

God ordained that sex was to be shared by husband and wife. Within God’s plan, sex is a wonderful and beautiful opportunity for expression, communication and intimacy. It is vitally important that we look at it from God’s point of view. It’s something that He put here in the first place. And remember this: God did not make anything “bad.” It’s not the use, but the misuse that messes things up.

The Bible speaks of four specific purposes for human sexual activity: procreation, recreation, communication and release. In God’s plan, sex was intended to provide a means of totally revealing oneself to their beloved. This was one way to pour out one’s energies and deepest affection, hopes and dreams into the loved one. “Sex” was a truly intimate way of communication, a means of “knowing” each other.

I. God’s Design for Sex A. Declaration: The marriage bed is undefiled. (Hebrews 13:4) B. Procreation. (Genesis 1:28; Deuteronomy 7:13-14) C. Delight: Recreation and Release. (Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Solomon 4:10-12) D. Communication. (Genesis 4:1) II. Duty: Advice About Sex in Marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-7) A. “Celibacy” is a gift. Do NOT confuse it with “abstinence.”

B. Spouses are to please each other – not just themselves. (1 Corinthians 13:5) C. Sex should not be used as a means of punishment.

D. Abstinence should only be with consent.

E. Avoid temptation by not depriving each other.

F. Don’t leave out the passion. (1 Corinthians 7:9) III. Men and Women are Different A. The keys to the man.

B. The keys to the woman.

C. Keep your relationship fresh and vital.

Suggested Reading: “Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It” by Jerry B. Jenkins; “The Act of Marriage – The Beauty of Sexual Love” by Tim & Beverly LaHaye; “His Needs / Her Needs – Building an Affair-proof Marriage” by Willard F. Harley, Jr.; “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn; “What Husbands and Wives Aren’t Telling Each Other” by Steve & Annie Chapman Before I Say “I Do” Classes

Sexual schematic for men:

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Sexual Schematic for Women

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Lesson 13: The Blended Family Or “This Ain’t the Brady Bunch” In today’s society, the concept of a blended family is not at all uncommon. Many potential mates already have children, either living with them or with the other parent (or other relatives). And it may not always be their children: in-laws, nieces, nephews, etc., may also be “included.”

Because of this, the “family” that you may have envisioned (the one with Mom and Dad and 2 ½ children that come five to ten years after you’re married) may not be what you get. You may end up with a ready-made family, none of which you’ve raised.

And contrary to popular belief, raising children is not the hardest thing in the world.

Raising other people’s children is!

In this lesson we will examine some of the different ways a family can be comprised, and how we can make the “blend” as smooth as possible.

I. Define “blend”.

A. Mixing.

B. Combining.

C. Is it the same as “putting together”?

II. Different reasons for the need to blend.

A. Previous/present relationships.

B. Anticipated.

C. Crisis. (Ruth 1:3-5) D. Success. (Ruth 1:6) E. Character. (Ruth 1:8-10,16-17) III. Blenders have different settings, and not all are powerful enough to handle everything.

A. Sarah and Hagar. (Genesis 16:1-10) B. Sarah and Hagar (and Ishmael). (Genesis 21:8-13) Suggested Reading:  The Blended Family: “Achieving Peace and Harmony in the Christian Home” by Edward and Sharon Douglas;  “Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family” by Jennifer Green and Susan Wisdom;  “The Strong Family” by Charles R. Swindoll.

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