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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net

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OCTOBER 21st, 2009

Volume xl Issue VII

AGRICULTURE

POOR FARMVILLE HARVEST INDUCES FAMINE, KILLS MILLIONS BY MICHAEL ERIC ROSENTHAL STAFF WRITER

CYBERSPACE—Millions of FarmVille farms remain barren and desolate after a poor harvest plagued them with insurmountable famines. The famine was caused by a horde of locusts, and a few foxes. “I lost everything,” said one John Starkey, SAS junior. “Everything. My entire semester, down the drain. What will my parents say when I come home cropless?” A Mad Huge Depression, as it’s been dubbed, has since swamped the FarmVille world. A single plot of land now costs upwards of 1000 coins, and harvested crops can only sell for about 10 coins. “The market is at a standstill,” commented Gregory Mankiw, a professor of economics at Harvard University. “What we’re seeing here is an incredibly high demand for crops, but no supply at all. The buyers can’t buy, the sellers can’t sell, and black people everywhere are dying.” Black people haven’t been the only one to suffer. Danica Patrick, a sophomore in SAS, has been stuck on level 15 for three weeks. “God, it’s unbearable. The locusts ate ev-

GOD HATES FARMS

erything. My tractor is broken, I can’t afford a new one, and I’m only one harvest away from a Cream of the Crop ribbon!” Added Patrick, “Suicide

Wildfires devastate these famine-afflicted crops

is looking pretty good right about now.” Perhaps hit the hardest has been Tim Hudson, president of the Farmville-Labor

Party. He founded the party a few months ago in an effort to unionize and oversee the success of the other farms. “I help you out, you help another neighbor out, and then there should never be a problem with food or money shortages, especially because nothing unforeseeable ever happens,” said Hudson. The famine, however, has ensured that no one can help anyone out, and a swarm of maurading locusts was definitely not something he had predicted. As the famine continues to take its toll, many Farmville players remain worried about how to feed their virtual family or maintain their virtual farm. “How will I send my virtual kids to virtual college?” wondered Danica Patrick. “What am I supposed to tell them? That I failed them as a farmer? That the way of life as we know it is over?” Many have simply given up on the noble farmer’s life and taken to raping and killing Pink Cows for sport. A few farms prevailed through the poor harvest, and now have to manage the issue of urban development as merchants and big businesses take over FarmVille world.

WOMYN

Feminists Protest God’s No-Beard Policy BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR

God, however, remains steadfast on the issue. “I gave you guys tits!” boomed a thunderous voice at the scene, VATICAN CITY—Picketers gathered on the Vatican much to the dismay of the many women at the scene. Steps yesterday to advocate “Equality in Bearddom” “What more could you want? I suggest you try to focus on making babies like good little wenches.” for women. Over ten thousand feminists “Beards are The Equality in Bearddom movement has were reported to have been in attendance. quite clearly lofty goals, though, and hopes to send a female Beards have traditionally been available only to men in a variety of shapes and sizes, the key to competitor to the World Beard and Mustache but women everywhere are quickly growing success and Championships by 2012. tired of the double-standard. “Fuck that,” said Karl Heinz-Hille, curprestige.” The movement has enjoyed increasing rent Full Beard Freestyle champion. “No fuckpopularity over the last few years. “All great AREA FEMINIST ing way is a little bearded chick going to strip Woman men had beards,” remarked one area feminist. me of my title.” “Beards are quite clearly the key to fame, success, and Gillette is anticipating the advent of female beardprestige, and it’s high time the chauvinist pigs of the age, and has already started promoting its line of “Her world gave up their exclusive rights to facial hair.” Pleasure” razors.

A PUBIC PROTEST

The sign on the right actually says, “I Fuck Men”

NOT WHITE PEOPLE

U. OUTSOURCES TEACHERS TO IMPROVE DIVERSITY BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER

OLLEGE AVE—President Richard C McCormick has unveiled plans to build remote “teaching centers” in India to “increase the diversity and quality of academic experience for all students.” “Rutgers is committed to diversity,” posited McCormick for the 153rd time during his career as U. President.

“India has such a trove of diversity, and we plan on taking full advantage of it. These teaching centers will allow underpaid Indian workers to stream their diverse knowledge through video networks that feed right into the classroom.” Added McCormick, “Brown people rule!” Some students remain wary of

the program. “How am I supposed to fuck my Planet Earth professor if he’s two continents away?” bemoaned SAS sophomore Jenna Greenfield. “I’ll never pass a class again! Even my extensive vocabulary won’t help me now!” To combat accusations that “commitment to diversity” really means “we are totally not racist,” McCormick has assured that the U. will be

Touching you in special places ESTABLISHED 1970

hiring child workers to increase “age diversity”, Taylor Swift to augment “talent diversity”, and Bernie Madoff to enhance “portfolio diversity”. McCormick also briefly touched on plans to eradicate all noninterracial porn on DC++ for “masturbatory diversity”. He own stash is reportedly upwards of 200 gigabytes long.


THE MEDIUM

NEWS

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

“Hey, maybe if I stay here long enough, I’LL leave!”

2009 UBERNATORIAL RACE

RELIGION

CORZINE RELEASES PROMOTIONAL University men advocate for RAP VIDEO TO GARNER BLACK VOTES Breast Awareness Month BY EC BLOOD N’ GUTS

Provide attention for depressed, big-breasted women

STAFF WRITER

TRENTON—President Obama’s support of imcumbant candidate Jogn Corzine back in June appears to be finally paying off: a recent poll shows Corzine gaining favor among New Jersey Obama supporters. Corzine campaign aides have closely analyzed these statistics and concluded that a sizable portion of New Jersey simply likes black. It leaves Mr. Corzine, a Wonderbreadcertified White Toast Federation member (WTF), in a challenging spot. Fortunately, through his extensive network he has been able to enlist the help of such prominent black experts as Busta Rhymes, Malcom X, and Asher Roth. Corzine will soon be putting his newfound street-cred to the test with the release of his recently-completed hip-hop music video. The video, which will be airing on MTV networks, features Lil Jon and cost over one million tax dollars to produce. A brief excerpt of the lyrics was released to the press: Yo Yo, what up, I’m C to the Z/ Got

BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER

HE’S GOT MONEY IN THE BANK Jersey what ‘chu thank?

shizzas to the nizzas/ I don’t know what that means/ I be hittin’ the streets/ From da east to da west/ As long as I’ve got my bullet-proof vest/ Ya fil’ me?/ Aiight /Yeah, my wallet it’s tight/ Yo, what can I say?/ It’s cuz I’m mothafuckin’ white.

TITS

ENTIRE CAMPUS SIN-FREE AFTER VISIT FROM MYSTICAL PROPHETS BY SUM DUM JOO STAFF WRITER

COLLEGE AVE—The Brower Steps have gotten much quieter recently, thanks to the tireless efforts of two men who have DIRECTLY SPOKEN WITH GOD. Damien Koons and Boris McGrath, two men who have DIRECTLY SPOKEN WITH GOD himself have selflessly donated their Thursday nights to standing in front of the Rutgers Student Center to proclaim the Hell-bound fate of all sinners. “At first, I thought they were just right-wing freaks,” said Beth Brown, a SAS sophomore, “But as I listened more and more, something just clicked. I went home, threw out all my weed and booze and took up praying five times a day.” Beth’s transformation is just like the hundreds of others that have been occurring in New Brunswick over the past few weeks. Students have stopped drinking and churches have reported exemplary attendance. The prophets, however, are not taking any credit. “We are just here to do the work of our Lord,” exclaimed Koons. He then took a swig from a

Editorial Staff Fall 2009

F

bottle which he assured was filled with “Holy Water.” McGrath filmed the interview with a camera that students on College Ave. are all too familiar with. Every week McGrath appears with the camera and films sinners on College Ave. He reportedly makes a decent living selling the tapes to the popular video franchise “Heretics Gone Wild.” However, he is happy that there has been less video footage to sell. “Even though I am losing an assload of money by converting these people, I am happy that they are giving up their life of sin and debauchery to worship our Lord.” He then finished off his own bottle of “Holy Water” and began to cry softly. While the moral reform has been widespread, Koons knows there will be a few places that may have to overlooked. “There’s a residence hall on College Ave. called ‘Demarest Hall’ and that place is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. The people in there are damned for all eternity and there is no amount of repenting in the world that they can do to save themselves.”

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor

Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters

NEW BRUNSWICK—For many women, success and happiness lies in direct proportion with their breastsize: “A” standing for “ain’t got nothing” and “C” standing for “cute and content.” But for the most chestilyendowed women, “D” stands for depressed. According to Federal Boobie Investigators, a shocking 92% of the nation’s bustiest women reported feeling burdened and weighed-down by their bosoms. “A lot of us carry very deep, personal scars,” said breast expert Carmen Electra. “Wanna see? Scalpel went in right here.” Fortunately, help has become increasingly available as more women seek it out. Across the nation, therapy groups are forming to offer busty women a large support system of comfort and stability. It’s not just women lending each other support, either—a growing number of male students here at Rutgers are hoping to reach out to women and their breasts. Dubbed “Bosom Buddies,” their mission statement of “holding you up when you’re feeling low” has many ladies confident that their breast problems are in good hands. Many of Rutgers’ most notorious “slutgers” have enjoyed the uplifting experience of the Bosom Buddies, including SAS sophomore Becca Doyle,

THE HAIL MARY

AN UPLIFTING EXPERIENCE Rutgers women get empowered

whose very public struggle with her breasts have become a point of local media fascination as they slowly engulf her entire body. “Giant tits can be so hard! Sometimes, I just don’t know how I’ll carry on,” sobbed Doyle. “But, these guys, they’ve done so much to help me shape up and give me a push in the right direction.” Most women at Rutgers appear to be appreciative of the extra attention, and have showed their newfound confidence by wearing increasingly revealing clothing. Said Doyle, “These guys here, they keep it real! They’re all about ‘Hey, sometimes life sucks!’ It’s just kinda weird when they try and demonstrate that particular metaphor on me.”

God bestows his blessing upon the Scarlet Knights

News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco

Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the neo-progressive-bluegrass-hillbilly-funkabro tones emanating from ol’ yonder mountain.


Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

FEATURES VR...VR Troopers (Virtual Reality)

Romeo &Juliet

DANE COOK

THE MEDIUM

WHERE’s WALDO? CAN YOU FIND HIM?

...AS TOLD BY...

The play opens up as a fight between servants of two important families the Montague’s  and the Capulet’s are about to break out.  I mean who considers thumb in mouth insulting  anymore.  Y’know what I would do, not one but two middle fingers and I would give them a  wedgie so bad, that’s its atomic.  All the while yelling “WHOSE THE BITCH NOW?”    As I was saying, Romeo tells Benvolio, what kind of name is Benvolio anyway, it sounds  like a name for my penis.  “Hey ladies want to see my Benvolio?”,  that he is in love with  Rosaline. 

Dear Brostradamus

Romeo decides to go to the ball to see Rosaline.  Who goes to balls anymore?  If this  were to happen at club,  Romeo would be flippin on Ecstasy and probably just cop a feel off of  Juliet.   Besides, the only ball that Juliet should be going to is the one that Jessica Simpson doesn’t  Dear Brostradamus: already have dibs too.     I recently moved to the Rutgers area as a transfer stu  At the ball Romeo meets and falls in love with Juliet.  The only time this ever happens to  dent. Unfortunately, due to the recession, I have been unable to anyone is with a prostitute.  SU‐FI    find a job. I’m down to my last 100 dollars and the rent is due next

Tybalt, what kind of name is Tybalt anyway, sounds like it belongs on the Periodic Table.  week. Please help me with your sage wisdom!   Benvolio and Mercutio look for Romeo. Juliet tells Romeo she loves him and they  -Broke in New Brunswick exchange vows.  They’re Teenagers!  The only thing that I was doing when I was Romeo’s age  was trying to see how many times that I can masturbate in one day.    Dear Broke in New Brunswick:

I have totally traveled to the farthest corners of the world, collecting knowledge from every continent, but I have no clue what the fuck this “job” thing is that you’re talking about. If I were you I would spend those last 100 bucks on some Natty Light for Romeo and Juliet meet at the Friar’s cell and are married in secret.  Romeo can now brag  me and my bros. Plus, Halo ODST just came out and you KNOW to his friends that he popped the enemy’s daughter’s cherry.  Hi‐Fives All Around!  that I’m gonna be tea-bagging fags all over X-Box Live. As for   Next day Mercutio picks a fight with Tybalt. Romeo turns up and tries to intervene.  your rent, you would hav had a place to crash if you’d grown some Tybalt kills Mercutio when Romeo gets in the way. This makes Romeo angry and you would not  ffucking balls and pledged, NERD!

Romeo goes to see Friar Lawrence, which is not creepy at all (sarcasm), who agrees to  marry them as it may help end the feud.  They should just go on family feud, I mean, right?  (someone boos offstage)   

like him when he’s angry.  He goes into HULK‐MODE and he then kills Tybalt.  And then shit  really starts to go down MRAWWWW ARRRAAHHHH GWARRRR 

Paris goes to Friar Lawrence’s cell, a cell?  Probably too much child pornography.  Know  what I mean?      The Friar gives her a bottle containing a substance, you and I both know what’s in that  bottle that will make her appear dead for 48 hours.      Juliet takes the potion. Her family mourns her death.    Balthasar, the most badass name ever!, arrives with news of Juliet���s death. Romeo goes to an  apothecary to buy poison.  Don’t inspect the situation any further, just go right for the poison.  Paris is at the tomb when Romeo arrives. They fight and Romeo kills Paris. EVERYBODY  IS DYING!.  Romeo sees Juliet who he thinks is dead and poisons himself..  Smart guy, that  Romeo.     Juliet wakes to find Romeo dead and kills herself with his dagger.  And with that the two  dumbest kids are gone.  Just like my movie career.  HAHA PFFFTTTTT!!!!    Montague and Capulet agree to end their feud and pledge to put a statue in pure gold in  the town.  When I die, I would want there to be a gold statue of me, FUCKING A NUN.  HAHAHA.   SU‐FI!  (Audience boos) 

Dear Brostradamus:

I seem to always have trouble waking up in the morning. I always go to bed at a decent hour but I’ve slept through my alarm clock for the past two days. Should I go to the doctor or does this just sound like something that will solve itself?

-Sleepy on Somerset

Dear Sleepy on Somerset:

For this answer I had to consult the help of my closest bro and the frat houses’ resident medical expert, Broppacrates. His diagnosis is that you take three Jaeger bombs followed by a one-minute keg stand. After that, spend the next week resting on your couch consuming a steady diet of buffalo wings and Keystone. You’ll be sleeping like a bitch in no time. Side effects may include balls drawn on your face, actual balls on your face and sore anus.

COMING SOON TO THEATERS...


THE MEDIUM

OP/ED

Think Flexibility, not Fuckability (Thanks J)

Dear Men of the World, We have an issue. No, this isn’t because I’m a Douglass feminist-Nazi on a hunt to kill you because you oppress the living shit out of me even when you’re not trying to. We Douglass women actually don’t mind men; we actually think you’re kind of cool. My issue is that every time I say “I’m flexible” you say something along the lines of “Dayyyyyyyuum gurl,” get turned on to some degree, or proclaim that I am slutasterific (slut +fantastic + terrific, for all you people who can’t keep up with the terminology). And you want to know

something? No. Just no. Get your mind out of the motherfucking gutter and stop assuming flexibility is supposed to have sexual connotations because ninety nine percent of the time, I don’t mean to do that. And the one time I did, the kid gave me a flustered “HUH?!?” which was either because A. He was shocked anyone as sexy as I am was trying to hit on him or B. He’s questionably gay. Anyway, being flexible does not make me whorrific-it makes me awesome. It makes me able to do cool things like win the presidential gym competitions for the toe-reach, do scorpions, arabesques, and cool gymnas-

October 21st, 2009

“Abe, remind me to yell at you.” tic-y/ extreme yoga like things. It does NOT however, make me a slut. As a matter of fact, the only one I’ve slept with all year is Simon: my teddy bear. If I were on a boat, I’d be flipping, not flopping all over you motherfuckers. If we were in some sort of freak flexibility competition, I’d fucking win. Get the point yet? I don’t practice hobaggery. I practice awesomeness, artsy-craftsy stuff, occasionally Spanish, and no I will not sleep with you. Don’t accuse me of cheating at Twister either because I have abnormally flexible ligaments. When I say, “I’m flexible” you say, “cool.” So please, let me be amazingly flexible and we won’t have any problems. XOXO (I’m not a gossip girl), Special K

Baseball is Better Than Fencing By Johnny Challenger

Dear Zayin, I’ve been hooking up with this girl for a couple of weeks now, but all we ever do is make out! I want some dome! What do I do? -Horny and Hairy Dear Horny and Hairy, You need to learn the magical phrase, my friend. To begin, start fingering her. Give it about five minutes, it doesn’t need to be anything special. Once you get her moanin’ and groanin’, pull out slowly. The point is to make it long enough to guilt her into giving you a handjob. If she doesn’t start unzipping your

Because it fucking is.

From Desk of the Editor-in-Cheif

Drunk people and karaoke go together too well. What is the deal with that? Did you know that nine out of every ten karaoke-ers is drunk? Does this statistic surprise you? I was at the bar with mah broez the other night, and I noticed a karaoke machine in the corner and thought to myself how stupid karaoke was. Not an hour later I was giving my best rendition of Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” and found myself looking out at an entire bar of dancing, singing drunks. They were like me, they thought that singing in public was a good idea. They thought wrong. Not as wrong as my buddy that went up to sing “Lucky” by Britney Spears. Not nearly as wrong. He loves that song for some reason. Anyways, I have

never seen anything like the magnetic attraction to a karaoke machine that drunk people have. Once a microphone and a television screen are placed anywhere near alcohol, within the hour a drunk person will be pouring his soul out in the form of the most mangled version of “Stairway to Heaven” you’ve ever seen. I like calling it “Stairway to Hell” in these cases. Tee hee. I believe the government should do experiments on a drunken karaoke-based energy system. Perhaps putting a wind turbine before a microphone in a bar, or maybe attaching magnets to drunks as they rush the stage to be the next to make a fool of themselves. Or maybe they will be the next American Idol! That black guy in the corner kinda looks like Randy!

Johnny Challenger is better than fencing too.

pants after you finish, you either didn’t finger her long enough or you’re hooking up with a douche-chick. After about two minutes of hand action, it’s time for the magical phrase. Just say these five wonderful words: “It’ll be easier if you use your mouth.” There are only two ways it can go from there: she says yes, and you get the tip wet, or she says no, and you punch her in the face. Either way, it’s a good time for you, and always a great story. Have fun with the magical phrase! If you have any questions for Zayin Gadol, email them to opinions@themedium.net

WANTED

Comedians for the Medium’s first ever stand up competition.

Dear Jameson,

sign up at

themediumwantsyou@gmail.com

It pains me to write this, and I apologize sincerely but this is all just too hard and I’m not nearly strong enough to do this in person. So here it is, written out in black and white-it’s over. The late night hours, the fights, the headaches, your constant demand for money-I can’t handle it anymore. I’m tired of making up excuses to everyone just to have you around; I had to sneak you into my cousin’s baby shower just to avoid embarrassment of being caught together (not that you were at all discreet once you got in.) You bring out the worse in people, and the night always seems to take a turn for the worse the second you show up. I wish I could list all the specific instances and episodes you’ve caused but I’ve blacked out most of them from my memory. Look, because of you I’ve lost my shoes and keys…all in the same night, and some how my cellphone always ends up in a toilet. It seems that the time spent with you either ends with me crying or catering to a new bruise, and quite frankly people are starting to talk. I’d like to say that there were some good times between us but to be honest every second spent with you was like seeing life through rose colored glasses. Half the time I didn’t find out what you were actually up to until the next morning when the damage had already been done. My friends are on to you; they tell me all about the influence ‘Touchy feely Jamie’ has on people once you’ve charmed your way passed their vulnerability. Ok, I’ll admit sometimes being with you was absolute bliss, like the time you introduced me to that very, very good-looking artist and his girlfriend… But that’s all behind me now, because the fact is: you’re never there for me when I need you. Where were you when I needed bail? Which, might I add, I only needed after I was arresting for being in a fight you started. Anyway, the next time you’ll see me with my new love, Jose. He’s intoxicating to be a round; he makes me feel so warm and sexy.

Sincerely, Reverend Holyfuck


Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

ARTS “I believe in miracles”

THE MEDIUM

Some of This Week’s Best Craigslist Personals These are real personals found on Craigslist.org, of varying loctaions and sexual orientations. Searching through these can be a greatly amusing, hilarious, yet revolting and horrifying rollercoaster ride. Here are some of the best I found for this week. ***Found in the Men 4 Men section, Ithaca, NY***

any frat guys bored over break? - 22 (ctown) Date: 2009-10-10, 6:16PM EDT Reply To This Post

Hey dudes, staying in ithaca over break. Looking for other in shape goodlooking frat guys who are also bored and looking to have a little fun. Cornell senior, 5’11, 160lbs, fit, goodlooking. Pics (face and body) and stats in FIRST email is a must if you want a response. I really don’t like playing games. Let’s keep this discrete. I’ve got a great dick that’s a lot of fun to suck. Get at me if you want it.

Seeking SSBBW w/Thick Flat Feet (Queens/LI)

Date: 2009-10-16, 6:02PM EDT Reply To This Post White male with an intense love/desire/fetish/infatuation for mature (over 40, 50. 60+) BBW/SSBBW ladies (over 200-400+ lbs.) who have very wide, thick, flat-soled bare feet. I am looking for someone who would completely enjoy being treated like a foot goddess with me worshipping, admiring, adoring and pampering her feet and soles (this involves me massaging, rubbing, fondling, licking, biting, smelling the feet etc.). In addition to extremely thick, flat feet, I also love dry, calloused skin, bunions, hammertoes and very dirty-bottomed soles. This is a real ad, I am very turned on by “imperfections” in women’s feet and would love to prove just how much I would adore someone’s feet. Please respond if you are completely comfortable and serious about meeting up for this (and please, no pros asking for “donations”, “tributes”, “generosity”, “roses” etc.). I seek women of any race/ethnicity who would enjoy being having her feet worshipped intensely and am also into roleplaying certain fantasies on this subject. Please do not respond if you are only into prolonging emails back and forth. I seek someone who mutually wants to meet and have fun together in what is a very harmless yet intensely erotic fetish/desire/fantasy of mine.

Hot Halloween Costime Idea!

Under 30 Come over and Pee on Me Please - 35 (san jose downtown)

Got submissions? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net

Date: 2009-10-17, 5:15PM PDT Reply To This Post I Have a fetish I have never tried before. I would like a college age guy or similar to come over and pee on me. I will even drink some, then suck you off and swallow your cum. I am very thirsty and very very horny. Have had my head in the clouds all day. Please help me out. I am ready now---------------------------


Средство This is the foreign loser writing back at the anonymous pussy; Yes, I HONESTLY do have to carry around my helmet, because that shit cost me more than your mom’s BJ from last night, the night before and last week combined. I guess I could park the bike whereever I want because I got a pass. Thank you for the Tom Cruise compliment but next time come say it to my face that you’re hating just because you dont have the balls to getone yourself.. PS. I never rev it unless I actually have to, so stopctalking out of your ass. (Ooooooo. You just got told....) To the Asian girl at Neilson dining hall wearing a FUCKING SETON HALL SHIRT; Leave this place and never come back, and take your ugly ass friend with you. P.S: Hurry up making your fucking ice cream. If you’re going to jerk off on your roommates laptop with one foot planted on the floor and another on his chair, you should probably take off the headphones so you can hear someone knocking. Or - you could just lock the door. Way to go, champ! To the Asian chick at the Scott Hall bus stop last Thursday with the really short orange dress; You looked like a drunken skank pumpkin. The grass all over your ass didn’t help either. (Haha. Skanks are awesome!) To the drunk little Indian at the game; Clearly, you are a retarded Freshman. If you accidentally elbowed me one more time, I was going to break your arm off, and beat you reapetedly with it. To the young man at the football game on Friday who got a little too excited when he saw the blimp; I think there night be medication and counseling for your little masturbation problem.... To the annoying motherfucker who kept screaming for a lighter at the football game; I hope you get lung cancer and die. Not everyon wants to inhale that nasty shit.

PERSONALS “Stay the fuck out of Personals you egotistical asshole.”

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

To the fat/used up douche floating in the toilet bowl in my transition class. You are a pompous cocksucker, Has anyone else gotten wet and nobody gives a fuck over the last few episizodes how smart you are. Conof Hizouse, M.D? They are gratulations! You know the dates to a “colonial chartotally fab. ter.” No one could care Someone told me to lick the less.... You remind me of alphabet while going down the dickhead from Good on a girl. Only problem is Will Hunting in the bar Asians cross streets like I don’t know what font to scene (you know, the guy they drive cars....BADLY. use. that looks like the crypt (That’s because they can’t Hey girl, you remind me keeper). Shut the fuck up. see out of those shifty little of Vanna White because I Nobody wants to be in that eyes they have.) class, and nobody cares if want to buy a vowel... U. you can remember how To the girl who tried to To the girl who has been many dicks you sucked cheat off my precalculus interested in me since last blindfolded. Have a happy exam: YOU’RE A MO- year. I’m gonna be brutaland creamy, gay orgy with RON!!! One because I ly honest here...Lose thirty all the other tools on this don’t actually know shit pounds then gimme a call. about math and cheating off me will most likely result in EPIC FAILURE and two because being a whiny ass ho will NOT make the TA give you the answer. It will actually result in all of us wanting to kill you. So next time, shut the hell up and fucking study. Dear brooklyn ass pounder, can I be next? To the girl on Douglass who lives above me; While I do appreciate the fact that you no longer fucking STOMP around in your heels, I think me, and everyone else in my apartment Friday night around 1 in the morning knew that you were getting raped by a fucking elephant and lil John that night....

To the fag that calls himself “Pete the Greek” - Just what the fuck is your problem? Do you re lly have to interrupt EVERY lecture multiple times with your smartass comments? No one thinks you’re funny, and the professors fucking hate you for sure. The only thing you’re good at is pissing people off. And also, it’s pretty obvious you’re on steroids, you should really quit that shit. Then maybe your “friends” will stop making fun of you behind your back... or maybe not.

Dear Medium, Sorry I haven’t updated the website. I was knee deep in weed and prostitutes.

Dear X5 Bitch: I’m terribly sorry if you thought I was “hating” on your car. Actually, the X5 may be the classiest thing you’ve got going for you. I was merely pointing out how the USE of it, as well as the Mercedes you claim to own, goes on to prove my aforementioned point. If you wish to discuss To the ignorant twat who, a this any further, I’ll be the few Mediums ago, said that one driving the Jeep that I Regina Spektor is better than BOUGHT myself. Phish--didn’t your mother ever tell you not to compare (Yeah, I bought MYSELF a Toyota with 15 inch TONapples to oranges? KA TRUCK tires! Watcha (Apparently not....) gonna do now?) To the person who left the To the Balloon Kid: You half-full bottle of Bath and now owe me two hours of Body Works Cheery Blos- my life. I skipped a class in som Body Splash in the hopes you would crash and bathroom sink in the base- die. I am going to Colorado ment of Murray: Thank and putting you in another you. I now use your per- balloon and setting it on fume to rid my bedroom of fire. the smell of weed-smoke. (I’d skip class if that balp.s. did you notice i’m an loon fucking crashed too...) optimist?

Dear Orgo Professor, you are such a dick for secretly hiding the class average as an Orgo problem inside your email. I would like to beat the shit out of you, but I’ll give you fair warning, I’ll hide the date in a email as the hardest Organic Chemistry problem EVER!!! To the whored out chicks who won’t shut the fuck up in the back of World Cultural Regions class on Livingston: shut your goddamn mouths. Nobody wants to hear how many cocks were inside of you the past weekend. The only thing those mouths are good for is blowing frat boy cock, so keep your mouths shut till Thursday night. Oh, and you act and dress like sporty dykes too. To the confused slut on the fourth floor of Frelinghuysen: You say you want it hard but you still suck on pussy. Stop hitting on my roommate. She’s not into girls. Also everyone knows you fucked the scumbag boy you brought home Saturday night. I feel bad for you roommate who slept through your cocksucking adventure. Swallow that, bitch. (Apparently she swallows a lot of things...)

To the girl who wrote that Targum article about partying; no one’s fucking impressed by all those obscure words you used, because your article sounded awkward as shit!!! I couldn’t get past the phrase “concatenate a smorgasbord of memories” without laughing my ass off. (Neither could I and the rest of the whole school. What a twat waffle...)

My name is Kim W. I LOVE talking about myself all day, every day. I also love showing people my tits, esp. when its totally inappropriate. My eyes are spread out as far as my legs are. I have a boyfriend of 8 years yet I want people to think that I’m a skanky-ass hooker and flirt with anything with a dick. I love sucking hairy balls and licking assholes. If interested, you will find me in my dorm walking around in a thong, I’m Awesome!!!!

Dear Animal Nutrition Professor; You are the most boring person on the planet,. To the girl out side my apartNext class, can you not talk ment today; I don’t know why so loud? I was trying to you felt the need to scream sleep...you’re very rude. your story at the top of your lungs to your friend was was To the girl with the red hair literally no more than 4 inches that’s always at Rutgers; away from you. Did you, for “YOU DON’T EVEN GO some reason, think that the HERE!” entire apt. complex wanted to hear your story? Stfu! No one Bitch on bitches! cares! personals@themedium. Party at Corwin House X! net Bring your own asbestos mask! Just don’t start any fires...you’ll kinda die.


Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 Why the fuck people go to the library to talk?!?!?! shut the fuck up already..and go fail in life....and lippincott 08-09 still rules!!! Dear Bitch who lives next door, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Why do you have to be so fuckin loud with your laughter and talking. And what they hell were you crying about for TWO HOURS!!!??? I mean who the fuck does that! Get A Life! N your fuckin fat boyfriend is a creepy smelly piece of shit. NO ONE LIKES YOU!! Peace out bitch!!! (Don’t you see? She’s crying because her fatass of a boyfriend crushed her tits while they were fucking, and now she’s even more unattractive than before!) To the fat/used up douche in my transition class. You are a pompous cocksucker, and nobody gives a fuck how smart you are. Congratulations! You know the dates to a “colonial charter.” No one could care less.... Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to be in that class, and nobody cares if you can remember how many dicks you sucked blindfolded. Have a happy and creamy, gay orgy with all the other tools on this campus, asshole. To the shitty skateboarder in Quad One. Nobody wants to hear you fuck up a kickflip at 2am. You suck. You wake up the whole Quad to announce, “hey i suck at skateboarding! “ by constantly slamming your deck on the pavement. Go the fuck to bed. (They’re called rocks. There’s a lot of them around. Use them.) “My group is better than yours, fatty!” Said the quiet girl in my Arabic class... To my roomate who sleeps naked...your balls are showing. (And you’re looking?) To the blonde, cat-obsessed bitch with the twig-like neck, stop chasing all the stray cats around on Richardson and get a fucking life. If I hear you say that you want to be a cat ONE more time, I will personally rip your fucking tongue off, marinate it in cat nip, and shove it up your fucking ass. welcome to reality, bitch.

PERSONALS

THE MEDIUM

“You bet I did [smoke weed]. And I enjoyed it!” -Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of NYC To the Centurion: It’s fun- To the ignorant twat who, a ny that you’d compare the few mediums ago, said that Obama Administration to regina spektor is better than the Third Reich. XD I guess phish--didn’t your mother it’s a matter of time until ever tell you not to compare I’m sure most of you are now aware that the Westboro Bapthey start throwing Jews in apples to oranges? tist Church people will be descending upon Rutgers in all ovens. I always knew that (Sorry but Phish is boring their imbred, redneck, crazy Christian rage (By the way, M. Obama was planning on as shit.) Phelps-Roeper, I like my “edumacation” very much, and murdering millions of peo- To the Balloon Kid: You how is Rutgers “fluffy”?). They’re going to be bitching ple. XD...You guys are way now owe me two hours of in front of the Hillel House next Wedneday morning early, more hilarious than the Me- my life. I skipped a class in like around 8:45. In light of this, we here at The Medium dium. hopes you would crash and are concocting some plans to have a little fun with these To the rutgers football play- die. I am going to Colorado rabid rednecks when they try and convince Rutgers that er who couldn’t keep his and putting you in another we’re all going to hell because “God Hates New Joisee, U dick to one girl. Fuck you balloon and setting it on fire. Heard?” (Quoted directly from their website). Look for us for playing me you cocky (You and me both. The set- there next week! I might be dressed up as Jesus :-). bastard, don’t you dare call ting the kid on fire, not wastme when you start losing.... ing 2 hours of my life on a Until then, submit your personals and hate to again bullshit news story, you Personals@TheMedium.net. Peace people! (Looks like he might be call- gullible bastard.) ing you soon, but you’re the To the hippie bitch on the ~Satanic Yoda dumb bitch who slept with a XL tuesday afternoon, NO Dear the hairy little furby To all of you moronic, obfootball player.) ONE wants to hear about looking kid named brandon. trusive, puerile, licentious I hate you. Your existence neanderthals that we call To the fucking bitch in Voor- all of your hippie lesbian to me is hilarious. Why dont football players: Get a head hees who decided it would adventures and exploits in your entire life. and stop you shave already? Every start on your careers flipbe a good fucking idea to time I see you chest pubes ping burgers at McDonald’s smoke weed out her win- talking about how much of pop out of the top of your and drop out already. We dow. Yo fuck face when a fan you were of Lyndon shirt I cant help but think of don’t need your giant the wind is blowing at you B. Johnson, you weren’t how perfect you would be in waste-of-money stadium, the smoke is going to come even alive for his fucking “where the wild things are”. we don’t nee you being obback in the room and in presidency so what the fuck Someone needs to teach you trusive morons in class, and other peoples room frickin do you know about that and a thing or two about being a we don’t need you getting drunk idiot. So buy some Vietnam. go sit on by Scott part of the human race, but preferential treatment over fucking frebreze and come hall under a tree away from me and wait for tent state until then why don’t you people who actually work spray my goddamn room. and Chief Chirpa march the for their grades. Go home To the girl who has been you bitch. rest of the Ewoks out of my and stop wasting our moninterested in me since last To that retard who wrote the life. fuck you. ey, our time, and most of all, year. I’m gonna be brutally good the bad and the ugly To the whiteboy from last our attention. honest here...Lose thirty article in the Targum and the week who ordered all us (Amen?) editor who ok’ed it. Do you pounds then gimme a call. niggas to get a job: OH NO To the boys downstairs: If (Congratulations! You’ve have fucking downs syn- YOU DIDDNT!! imma you were not so blatantly made an insecure girl even drome? i heard from my free all mah niggas from inconsiderate about what friend that somebody at the more so!) da can and go cap yo sorry you are doing and what To the annoying ass brown paper Sucks lots of dick. I white ass! and when i done time you are doing it then people that live in the Busch hope the Indian next to you wichoo, i’ll be churnin da we wouldn’t have to call the Student Center, why do you on the bus shits his pants. remains into fried chicken RA on you. I feel that we take up 3 booths and cram To the two bitches and gin- and cornbread. and don’t be have been pretty lenient uninto one? This isn’t a fuck- ger in my animal science dissin mah boy obama--he til now, but you are just not ing rickshaw. Theres no class, Why the hell did you be runnin dis shit so i ain’t getting the message. -The need to be so loud and ob- get so pissed that me and have to get no job mutha- bitches upstairs. noxious, especially the girl my friend wanted to sit in fucka--you jive-ass white (This is why I love living off whose face looks beaten in the only two empty seats bread turkeys work for ME campus. I don’t have to deal with a shovel. Guys - stop in the lecture hall! maybe it now! with loud assholes or whiny acting so tough - you’re not wouldn’t have taken so long (Love it, and they said race little bitches like these girls.) the shit - even though you to step over you if all your wars were over...) To my roommate: Next do smell like it - so stop shit wasnt on the floor and I decided to masturbate to time you decide to put headbathing in cologne and take you werent so fat and ugly. porn the other day while a phones on to blast your porn a shower godamnit, you’re And im not deaf or blind bunch of people decided to and jerk off captain morgan worse than the homeless and could hear you talk- hang out right in front of style with one foot on the guys that live at Alexander. ing about me... i hope that my door, which was shut. ground and the other foot Stop making us normal next time your 3 mins late So when they got angry at for class you have to sit on me, who’s the one truly at cocked up on a chair, make brown folk look bad sure the door is locked so To the stupid fuck on the the floor in the back on your fault here? And publicly you?re not caught in that second floor of mettler! fat smelly ass. THANKS announcing my plans was embarrassing and disgustFUCK YOU..you suck at CUNT!!! merely a kind warning. ing position again. I undercomperative politics!! i To the developing fetus in To the girl I fucked last stand that your computer is rocked you on that test! or it my uterus. I think you’re night.....get yourself broken and jerking off is could just be that our teacher finally old enough to hear checked, i have the CLAP. healthy, but if you ever use sucks bc he is a stupid fuck. this. I am a whore and I don’t To the jesus freaks on colmy computer again for this WHO THE HELL CARES know who your father is. lege ave passing out bibles: ridiculous actI WILL BEAT IF WE GO TO THE BATH- With that said, goodbye<3 ROOM?!?! when you gotta (My personal favorite for Thanks for the rolling paper. YOUR ASS YOU SICK FUCK! (You’re welcome) go you gotta go. this week!)

FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...


THE MEDIUM

WHAT’S SHAKIN’?

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

“I dunno yet”

History Lesson: Zeus Rallying for the Hillel By Frozen Fish Contributing Writer

During the generations, we have lost sight of what brought us here, what evolved us. Remember that history could only take its course with help from the most influential drink in the history of civilization, and even before time began. This of course being MD, or, Mountain Dew. As one would capitalize God, so will I capitalize Mountain Dew. Before time began, in the time of the Titans, lived Zeus and all the demigods lived up on Mt. Olympia. These times were troubled, like a soap opera type of troubled. Aphrodite, the goddess of sexual desire, aka the big time slut, knew she could manipulate Zeus to kill Ares, the God of War. She had sex with Zeus to have Ares taken out of the picture, and in doing so, Zeus and Aphrodite had the greatest sex ever recorded. Zeus actually cried some; until Hercules, his son, told him to stop being so gay and that he was embarassing him. But these were not normal tears Zeus cried. Upon further investigation, Aphrodite tasted them and had an instant orgasm. Even her, the goddess of sexual desires, was taken aback. She now had a new goal in mind. She had to get her hands on more of this orgasmic liquid. She knew Zeus had been considering creating a new race of beings, that of course, being mortals. And these mortals needed food, drink, and shelter to live. She realized if she could convince Zeus to create rivers and oceans of his tears, she would be forever satisfied. Ares, who hated Aphrodite cause the bitch had cheated on him, knew she was manipulating Zeus, his best bud. So, he told Zeus to create rivers of water, not of his tears. Zeus, unfortunately, was whipped. Aphrodite put a spell on him. Well, it wasn’t really a spell. Aphrodite was the only chick who could actually deep throat Zeus. So, Ares, God of War, did what he knew how to do best; he started a war. This was known as the War of 1812. That’s right, schools and books have been lying to you. There was no War of 1812 in America’s history. It happened before time began. I never liked books. Too much fact and not enough heart. But crazy ass Thomas Jefferson lost “the nose” and had to sign a document proving the war was real. The war was actually known as The Battle of Anal. Let me explain. Aphrodite had become dependent on Zeus’s tears for orgasms. But Ares told Hercules to make sure his gay dad never cried. So Aphrodite became very horny. When the two meet for an epic duel, Ares wore crotchless pants, and Aphrodite just jumped on his cock. But, secretly, Ares slipped it into the backdoor, and with all his might, split Aphrodite in half. Leaving her for dead, he went to Zeus and said she died because of her dependence on his tears. Zeus vowed to never cry again. And the world was thus created with water, not his tears. But, Aphrodite was not yet dead, and crawled to Zeus. In his arms she died, and Zeus shed tears. But, she had told a servant to collect those tears on her body when they were to bury her and store it in a secret location in the Earth, pending her return. She never returned though. The servant thus became a protector of the location. His last instructions were to give this magical liquid to an acceptable mortal in order to keep peace and justice in the lands. So, great nations and leaders were given the liquids to help weave the web of civilization and keep a balance of order. The most recent example of a great offering of “The Tears of Zeus” can be traced to America’s beginnings. Before the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States was written, all the politicians were given Zeus’s tears. But finally, God (not Zeus, Zeus had just lost the nose for who would rule the world) decided he could not withhold such a pleasure from his creatures, and, in his grace and mercy, gave man the insight to this drink. It can be found in John 34:22 that God tells his followers to “Go forth and sell to all nations this great thing which I have done”. There are many myths and false prophecies about MD. I will explore them briefly: 1. Surge and Yellow Mellow were drinks created by the Devil to try and show his greatness instead of Gods, but MD was too original. 2. Mountain Dew Code Red was not made by man, but were unlocked because someone finally beat Final Fantasy VII 100% with all the “weapons” beaten. 3. Jesus’ real blood was actually MD, not grape juice or wine they serve in communion. 4. Sandstorm is the song version of Mountain Dew; Darude is actually an alchemist.

By Mike Backpage Editor

Normally I like to keep it pretty relaxed on this backpage, with one or two exceptions. This is an exception, and one that I feel is well worth it. As most of you know (thanks to John Clyde at the Targum), the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to the Hillel at Rutgers on Wednesday, October 28th at 8:45AM. For those who don’t know, the Westboro Baptist Church is a religious organization that opposes homosexuals, Jewish people, Catholics, and other Christian denominations. Their protest at the Rutgers Hillel on the 28th is because Jewish people are Jewish, and the Westboro Baptist Church has a problem with that. I can’t really say that they shouldn’t be allowed to protest, being that I work for the Medium, and we live and die by the First Amendment. These people are more than welcome to protest whatever they want, and there’s no one that can stop them. What we should do; however, is show our love for the Hillel. We’re all Rutgers students here, and this is our moment to come together and show our support for our brethren. Instead of signs with hatred on them, we need to overwhelm the Hillel with signs of “God Loves Us All” and “Everybody Love Everybody” and maybe even “The Dark Knight Was The Best Movie Ever.” The point is, we can’t turn to hate. It’s easy to want to show contempt against these protesters, but we won’t. We aren’t going to sink to their level, we won’t use their tactics and we won’t spread hatred. Instead we’ll surround the area with goodwill and love, because the Hillel needs it, and because we need to help them. A sea of Rutgers students showing that they support each other will dilute the extreme views of this outspoken minority. This isn’t a question of politics or of religion, this is a question of us being students and uniting together as a university. I’m not some crazy activist either. I’ve never protested before, I’ve never fought for any rights of anyone or any group or anything; I’m your average student. This just seems too important to sit by and watch when we can clearly help our fellow students by simply being happy for a few hours outside and showing that we care about each other as human beings. If this seems out of character for the Medium, it isn’t. We’re the Free Press on campus, and usually take advantage of our ability to write whatever we want. We have the reputation of being a racist, ableist, anti-semitic, anti-this, anti-that publication. It’s irrelevant, we aren’t these things, and when something like this comes up, we can acknowledge it’s time to rally together. We’re with you, Hillel, and we hope everyone else is as well.


10-21-09