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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
OCTOBER 14th, 2009
Volume xl Issue VI
BROZILLA ATTACKS HUB CITY BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The infamous Brozilla has descended upon Hub City and has transformed the once-teeming metropolis into bones and rubble. New Brunswick stands proud no longer. Eyewitnesses report that the attacks commenced at around 11:30 last Saturday – an hour colloquially known as “party time”. “I was just on my way to this rager at 95 Senior,” said one Mike Dimtsios, SAS Junior and self proclaimed “bro to the max”. “All of a sudden, I heard this big, screeching, ‘BROOOOOOOOOO!’ and this huge claw comes out of nowhere, literally ripping the house out of the ground.” It wasn’t the only house to suffer such a fate. Hundreds of former college houses in the slums of New Brunswick have been reduced to nothing more than basements and empty solo cups. According to broologist Daniel A. Johnson, Brozil-
la’s behavior was perfectly normal. “Brozilla knew that masses of bros take refuge in New Brunswick’s basements on Saturday nights to ‘get their drank on.’ By tearing a house away from its foundations, Brozilla effectively exposes all the scurrying bros for easy consumption.” Added Johnson, “It’s probably for the better.” A citywide census taken on Sunday reports that only 56 bros survived the attack, which means that Brozilla destroyed over 89% of the bro population. The Department of Homeland Security declared the situation an official “brodown.” “It was the worst one since the attacks on the 1998 Dave Matthew’s Band World Tour,” spoke one DHS officer. “God, Brunswick had more bloody popped collars than a vampire convention!” Brozilla would like it to be known that if you have a bro infestation you need taken care of, he is BRO NO! available for immediate contract.
It’s bro-ing down in Brunswick.
Texas Southern Shut Out; Runs Naked Lap BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
RUTGERS STADIUM—After their 42-0 shutout, Texas Southern ran the mandated naked lap around Rutgers stadium, much to the glee of the 50,000 fans in attendance. Despite accusations of misinterpretation, referee Glenn Poole insists that the obscure rule can be found on page 134 of the 11th edition NCAA rulebook. “The rule clearly states that, upon total shutout, a team is obligated to strip and run a single, full lap around the stadium. God, doesn’t anybody read the 11th edition?!” As of press time, five students died of laughter and four more are listed in critical condition at St. Joseph’s hospital. To prevent further casualties, the University has instituted a temporary ban on beer pong, the popular drinking game with a similar naked lap clause. The football team, meanwhile, is enjoying the latest victory. “Nothing says ‘fuck you, losers!’ better than watching them run around with their junk flopping out after a huge loss,” posited Coach Greg Schiano. “It was really an exhilarating milestone in my douche-bagging career.”
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
“SHOTS FOR SHOTS” PROGRAM LAUNCHED TO PROMOTE H1N1 VACCINE BY MICRO F-150 STAFF WRITER
HURTADO—A controversial new university health program has been generating a buzz on campus. Rutgers Health Services is offering free liquor shots for all students who recieve the H1N1 vaccine. Nurses hope the promotion will entice students to take this
critical step toward warding off a campus-wide “bacon fever” epidemic. Garnishing praise, the program brought in hundreds of participants within its opening hours. By vaccinating these students alone, public health officials have estimated that the risk for a full on viral outbreak has been curbed by 15%. The
effort was inspired by the Rutgers herpes outbreak of 2002, which nurses quelled by stuffing condoms with lubricant and fun flavors into students’ orientation packets. Some students have been confused by the program, showing up for what they believed to be a university funded shot for shot drinking competi-
tion. Freshmen Greg Richardson is one such student. “I came out here to show off our shot-taking skills and it turns out they’re just giving out swine flu shots,” said Richardson. “Then I saw my friend getting his vaccine shot. I wasn’t going to be outdone by that pussy, so I continued, “SHOT FOR SHOTS,” page 2
2009 GUBERNATORIAL RACE
Christie vows to inspect every buffet in state BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BUTTZEVILLE, NJ—During a campaign stop at the Hot Dog Johnnie’s road stand, former U.S. Attorney and current candidate for governor Chris Christie (R-Mendham) announced a new plank to his reform platform: a goal to personally investigate every “all you can eat” buffet in the state during his first year of office if elected. “There are many restaurants and diners with buffets throughout the Garden State. Yet, there are many unethical goings-on behind those magical four words,” said Christie in between bites
MMM. DEMOCRACY. He’ll catch white collar crooks, as long as he doesn’t have to run after them.
of his wiener. “Like, for instance, some have a time limit of only one hour, and for others drinks and dessert costs ex-
tra. It is a goal of mine to visit every one of these places in the state, make sure they respect the rights of the consumer, and lock those up that don’t!” After taking a sip of buttermilk, he then added, “I’m pretty sure this is Carla Katz’s fault.” When reached for comment, Jersey Democrats rolled their eyes and immediately went on the offensive. “This is all new to us,” remarked State Democratic Chair Joseph Cryan. “If I recall correctly, when he was US Attorney for the state he was all for protecting the small restaurateurs from frivolous lawsuits, before being pres-
Literature for the emotionally troubled ESTABLISHED 1970
sured by the Big Breakfast Lobby. Now, by turning around and prosecuting them to the fullest extent of the law, he’s bitten off more waffle than he can chew.” This adds upon other planks in Christie’s platform, including “stopping the tofu-eating Trenton crooks from regulating Trans Fats,” cutting taxes on saltwater taffy vendors, who are being “driven out of State thanks to Democratic granola machine policies” and allowing restaurant receipts to be used as property tax deductions.
NEWS “We are meeting the aliens before you and you’re an astro thing.”
BY KOMBUCHA COCOON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Hundreds of students took to the streets yesterday afternoon in celebration of Pike, the Rutgers varsity cow-tipping team, as they won the regional competition and will now advance to nationals. Though victorious, Pike did not go without its fair share of obstacles en route to qualifying for the Tipping Bowl National Championships in Sarasota, Florida. At one point, they were accused of using MTD’s (Milk Thinning Drugs) on their to cows to change them into skim-milk producing cows, which are lighter and more easily tippable. Pike also received the lowest Spirit scores of any competitor after head cow-tipper Glenchy Frou-Frou was caught taunting a short red-headed cow belonging to opponent X-Rates of UNC-Chapel Hill, calling it the “sluttiest mother fucking sea donkey of a cow I’ve ever seen,” and nearly provoking a fight in the process before teammates pulled him away. The allegations were cleared, though, and head coach Joe Schiano, elder brother of Greg Schiano, couldn’t be happier. “Mom and Dad always said I was a worthless piece of shit and would ask me why I couldn’t just be more like Greg when I was young. I wish they could see me now,” said Schiano, with tears in his eyes. Due to the recent sucess of the team, University officials have already begun discussing plans of a $50 mil-
PIKE GOES TO NATIONALS! Cow-tipping team “super happy” after victory
The starting line pauses mid-practice for a money shot
lion expanion to ther Rutgers cowtipping stadium, which will include, among other things, the construction of a vegan fan section and the purchase of 300 tofucows for those who can’t bear to watch real cows get tipped. Though the expansion may considered by many to be the “dumbest idea ever in the history of the school” and a move which will “completely discredit any academic legitimacy we have,” the University plans on completely ignoring public opinion on the matter and proceed-
ing ahead with the construction, citing studies which show an eventual net gain in income generated by the stadium by the year 3150. Others, however, feel differently w and have met the idea with thunderous applause. “I just love watching the sport of cow-tipping, and anybody who opposes the construction is a dirty communist who hates this country and deserves to have their testacles publicly torn out of their groin,” said organic milk fiend Dan Johnson.
“SHOTS FOR SHOTS,” continued from front
YOU WON’T FEEL A THING! Right: Students throw down in Hurtado
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Bro Shatters Manlaw BY STABE ANWAY STAFF WRITER
BROWER COMMONS—Police reported criminal activity yesterday at the Brower Commons bathroom, when a bro was allegedly relieved himself in a urinal between two already peeing males. The suspect, a 6 foot 3 white male named Greg Yen, is now in custody. “Mr. Yen exhibited a blatant disregard for manlaw,” explains arresting officer Sgt. Cpl. Thales Nazario. “There were three neighboring urinals from which to choose, but Mr. Yen deliberately elected to make a man-sandwich out of the situation.” The RUPD maintains that this was not the first time Mr. Yen has infracted the law. His record contains a laundry list of punishable offenses, including several counts of defying fives, at least four counts of defying shotgun, and one count of stealing a birthday cake from a party. “Rutgers is no place for miscreants like this,” continued Nazario. “Rest assured, the RUPD will be cracking down over the next few months to ensure a safe academic environment for all students.”
Stoner finds undeniable link between Rutgers, Hendrix QUEEN OF SHEBA CONTRIBUTING WRITER
DEMAREST HALL—Kyle Lebront, a sophomore in the Mason Gross School of the Arts and known stoner found a disturbing link between Rutgers University and infamous American songwriter, Jimi Hendrix, last Friday while eating a bag of Doritos in the basement of Demarest Hall. The selfproclaimed "Weedmasta" noticed that the first two words in Hendrix' 1967 hit album, "Are You Experienced" sounded a whole lot like "R.U", the initials of Rutgers University. "Oh shit man!" he reportedly exclaimed. "That shit is totally crazy. It's like ‘Are you’ but it's totally also a lot like ‘R.U’, which is, like, Rutgers." This startling observation comes on the heals of Lebront's previous controversial assertion that Richard Mccormick's first name is Richard, which is like the same as Dick, and he totally is one.
got mine too.” Added Richardson, “One thing led to another and we’re both 50 vaccines deep,” as he searched his arm for a viable vein. The campaign hasn’t been completely smooth sailing, though. One participant reported being accidently injected with the liquor he donated, causing immediate intravenous drunkenness. This, of course, sparked the campus-wide trend of “shot syringing,” as students have dubbed it. New Brunswick bars have begun offering needles and “hospital hour” promotions. As a result, embolisms and blood-borne diseases are at an all time high, but the dreaded swine flu is quickly being eradicated.
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to JOOOOOOOOOOOSE.
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
JUST AN OBSERVATION.......BRO
Shia Labeouf Admit it, he looks like he would slip you a roofie
Channing Tatum That’s really him in the picture
MAMA BROWER’S PHOTO ALBUM
Here I am fistbumping our first black president
After I became a Jedi Knight, I fought the Crazy 88’s
Here I am catching my first Pokemon
This is me in a A-Ha music video “Take On Me”
Ashton Kutcher Need I say more...
Dwayne Johnson He plays such a tool in all of his movies
...As Told By... Michael
In all of his movies, he’s the douchebag
The year is…(dramatic pause)…1984, Winston Smith, played by my buddy Ben Affleck, lives in a post-apocalyptic London which is part of the country, Oceania. Now, the world is divided into three countries that include the entire globe: Oceania is the good ole’ US of A, Eurasia represents Europe, and Eastasia represents…ummm…Easterners. Oceania is a totalitarian society led by Big Brother, played by Jon Voight (who else?), which censors everyone’s behavior, even their thoughts. I think that would be a good social commentary on the current Bush Administration. Winston is disgusted with his oppressed life and it has been his dream since he was a little boy to join the fabled Brotherhood, a supposed group of underground rebels, like Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan, intent on overthrowing the government with explosions. Winston wants to be like his father, played by Charlie Heston in a flashback. Wait, Heston’s dead? Then get me, Sean Connery. Winston meets Julia, played by Megan Fox (if she gets her act straight), and they secretly fall in love and have a passionate intense, loving making scene, something which is considered a crime. One day, while walking home, Winston encounters O’Brian, played by Josh Hartnett, an old rival, who gives Winston his address. Winston had exchanged glances with O’Brian before and fought him in hand-to-hand combat on several occasions giving him the impression that O’Brian was a member of the Brotherhood. Since Julia hated the party as much as Winston did, they went to O’Brian’s house together where they were introduced into the Brotherhood. O’Brian is actually the Megatron of the story and this is actually a trap for Winston, a trap that O’Brian has been cleverly setting for seven years. Solders surround the house, guns at ready. Winston manages to stab some guards in the throat and hurt O’Brian. But alas, O’Brian’s giant robots come in and capture Winston and Julia. They are sent to the Ministry of Love, which is a sort of rehabilitation center for criminals accused of thought crime. There, Winston was separated from Julia, and tortured until his beliefs coincided with those of the Party (Guantanamo Bay reference…now you see it right?). Winston denounces everything he believed him, even his love for Julia, until… FUCKIN’ BOOM! The real Brotherhood comes in with guns just basically fucking shit up with their bullets. With Julia’s kiss, Winston is back to normal and ready to fight. He manages to push O’Brian into the volcano causing an eruption, which ends up destroying Big Brother’s Head Quarters. Let our heroes’ escape from the explosion be in slow-mo as well… and in a helicopter. As we end, we have a close-up of Winston’s face as he says, “Big Brother will always be out there, Julia, and it’s my chance to stop him.” and fade out. Play Linkin Park song.
Hey Guys, this is the features editor and I’m an idiot. If you have ideas, thoughts, opinions on anything than email at features@ themedium.net
October 14th, 2009
“If no one speaks... he’ll eventually leave.”
You’re Fucking Kidding, Right? by Reverend Holyfuck Senior Staff Bitcher
I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. I mean, I’m disgusted … but a little awed at the same time. Barack and Michelle Obama action figures? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! Ok so I’m going to go ahead and take the time to apologize because this article isn’t really an opinion but rather just a series of questions that are right now running
From the Desk of the Editor-inChief Mother Nature is an asshole. She can’t make up her damn mind. Recently I haven’t been able to go outside without having to head back in and change, because suddenly my toes freeze in my sandals or my balls melt in my coat. If it’s cold one day, it should be cold the next day. Mother Nature had better pick a side and quit waffling. We’re at war here, people.
What I hate the most, however, is that we can’t do shit about it. We can’t destroy Mother Nature because we live on Her. But, She doesn’t need us, so She doesn’t feel bad about dropping Earthquakes and Tsunamis on us without any repercussions. We need to end this. I propose the construction of a space platform from which we can live and from which we can destroy the
through my brain. The first being, REALLY? Is this what our country has been reduced to? Is John and Kate plus 8 re-
“Seriously, can someone please explain to me why we’re all so hellbent on making Obama a rock star?” ally not enough? Can we possibly survive anymore idiotic shit? I know, I’m starting very Nature that has tormented us for all those millions of years. Even if the platform isn’t built yet, we can use it as a bargaining chip at the table to convince Nature that it is not in her best interest to continue bombarding us with all those plagues and rainstorms and stuff. Some may say this is a disproportionate response to being mildly irked by the changes in temperature over the last few days, but still. Do YOU like famines? Because that’s the shit that Mother Nature brings. Did they have famines in Wall-E? No they didn’t, because they destroyed Nature and fucking left. I hate this planet.
We bombed the moon? ...about fucking time! by Cal En
Anime/Masterbating Correspondent Is Barack Obama trying to rip off Dragonball Z? The show did not have many consistencies, but one thing that happened multiple times was the moon getting blown up. The first time it happened was when Master Roshi destroyed it in order to subdue a crazy Goku, who was rampaging about in ape form because that’s what happens when he’s exposed to the moon cuz he’s a Saiyan. This would also prevent from any other Saiyans from becoming an ape and destroying the world. The moon was wished
back with the Dragonballs later, though, because the people of Earth missed having a moon or something. Dragonballs can do that apparently, which is rad. However, whilst Goku was gone trainin’, Piccolo was training Gohan (Goku’s son) and it happened to run a little late, so late that, in fact, that Gohan was exposed to the full moon and transformed. Piccolo had
no other choice but to destroy
the moon. They thought it was for good this time. It was not destined to last, because afterwards Vegeta (the prince of the remainders of the Saiyan race) decided to attack the Earth. Because Goku’s (his main rival) tail
to sound like a broken record, I’m aware of that; but I’m not even trying to find examples anymore. It’s everywhere! It’s almost as if we won’t stop till we’ve accumulated enough reasons not only to wholeheartedly endorse abortions but make them mandatory as well. If it was physically possible to scream on paper, this is where I would insert it. It’s just so god damn frustrating! Do we have to dumb down everything? Haven’t we given the rest of the world
enough reasons to hate us? Couldn’t at least one of the dolls of Michelle Obama have had sleeves?
...On the other hand, I’m so getting me one of those fucking dolls.
Ask Paris Halin... Dear Paris Halin, I’m 18 years old, and just had my first ‘make-out session’ with my boyfriend of two years. I noticed his penis became erect and we stopped immediately. A few minuets later I went to the bathroom and noticed a clear liquid on my pure white, and untouched underwear. Did I pee myself? Fearfully Repentant Dear Fearfully Repentant, I have good news, you did not pee yourself! That clear liquid is like oil in a car; when married people engage in intercourse the male would cause immense pain to the woman if this liquid did not exist. Despite common misconceptions, this liquid cannot be increased by the male ‘simulating’ the woman. It is not a sign of pleasure; it is simply a defensive mechanism. You must remember that was cut off (tails are important for Saiyans that wish to turn into a giant monkey at the full moon’s light) only Vegeta was able to turn into the giant ape, and he produced an artificial moon. His tail was eventually removed by an unimportant side-character, which put him at a disadvantage. Unfortunately for Vegeta, Gohan happened to have his tail still and he was
young unmarried women can also use this liquid as a truth serum of sorts. If it shows upyou’re a whore. It means that your subconscious has already engaged in unholy thoughts. Miss Fearfully Repentant, you are quite the loose lady I’m afraid. In order to cleanse your mind of impure thoughts, you must engage in the same activity that caused the offending liquid and practice being completely unaffected. Here is the true test: get your boyfriend turned on, and if you are able to simply stop kissing, or touching him without another thought, and not give in to his continued advances then you have mastered your basic desires. Repeat until you have made your boyfriend thoroughly angry and frustrated. Only then will you be considered a pure woman once more! Good luck. able to transform into the giant ape and defeat Vegeta. Vegeta, however was able to cut off Gohan’s tail before he was defeated, also the artificial moon was not permanent, so the moon thing did not become an issue for a while. Or at all, if you don’t count the movies and the GT series.
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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This is my son, he sells crack and lives in my basement. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had aborted him. If only this product had existed back in 1988! -Julie C.
To the bitch who complained about the “fake ass Michael Jordan” in last weeks issue: I’m NOT going to stop dribbling. Why the fuck would you first complain via the Medium instead of trying to confront me in person.
(People do it all the time pal. Get over it.) To the old guy who had a Palin for President sign stolen from his front yard. Palin is not running for president yet, you dumbfuck. And to the thieves who stole it;Congratulations. At least you have some sense. To our football coach: Why the fuck do you touch/smack players’ asses every time they go for a time out. That’s sexual harassment, man! HummusSchmumus Freakatumus.... Wanna know what I say when I’m strapped? “I’m a blood Wit five glocks AK’s and nine Teks. I’m a blood MOB tattooed on my neck. I’m a blood Red bandanna hangin out da back. I’m a blood. I totally fucked her last night... Whenever I sit/stand next to a girl on a crowded bus and our thighs are touching, I get a boner every time I do that. I wonder if she gets wet. (Ummm no. Sorry but, good for you! At least you’re never bored on the bus right?) Hummus is yummus...... Who farted? (Sorry. It was the hummus... Oh and WHAT NOW DAILY TRAGUM?!?! ANOTHER FART JOKE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!) To the chubby black kid and fat white gal who were the last ones to walk out together during the fire alarm the other week; Judging on your face when you saw the crowd, it was evident she was supposed to be your little secret and no one was ever supposed to know about that LOL. To the guys on that ran by me on Courtland St. around 12:30 on Thursday night and slapped my ass: I’m flattered you find me so attractive.
PERSONALS “Insert text here!” I was on the LX on Wednsday and had to listen to complete IDIOTS talk about “the girl rule” and relationships. To the tall Latina chick: You were totally FUCKIN hot!! Till you opened your mouth.... Youre voice makes my ears wanna bleed! You sound just like Fran Drescher from the “Nanny”! That must be a really bad head cold you have! All your hotness points left as soon as you opened your mouth. And the question you asked was so dumb. I’d be in that was your situation but you pretended it happened to “a friend”. Thanks for trying to engage the whole bus into a stupid convo. And to the dillusional black dude she was talking to: DUDE ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! Do you hear yourself talking?! WHY SO FUCKING LOUD! I had my ipod on full blast and could still here your loud dumb voice. And judging by your comments, you get no girls cuz your a TOOL and a PRICK! Next time you douche bags wanna have a conversation, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! I dont wanna listen to stupid people with annoying voices. EPIC FAIL... (That’s right! Its a LONG PERSONAL!Whatcha gonna do NOW Chubby Reeves?!) To the 5 people arguing at take out; Fatty Mctubbs, Girl That Looks Like A Horse, and Stereotypical D-bag vs. Kid That Needs Haircut/Razor and Kid That Still Wears Batman Shirts.... I agree line cutters are assholes and those three should crawl back to their ratholes/horse stables, but at the same time it doesn’t bother me THAT much.... Hey douche bags living above me, what the fuck are you dropping on the floor when my roommate and I are trying to fucking sleep? Either you’re dropping your chairs on purpose, or you’re hosting a fucking bowling tournament up there. If you’re going to be dropping your shit, at least do it during the day....
To the women who like to swing in front of Perry between 2 and 8 in the fucking morning; GET A LIFE!!!! Why do you feel the need to swing and make creeky noises that wake up regular people who like to sleep at some points without hearing CREEEKKKKK CREEEEKK!! Half of Cook can hear you. If you wanna ponder over whatever problems you have do it at a normal time when no one gives a damn motha fuckaaaas. (Loud bitches. Fucking hate them too man...) To the lovely people that were hanging somewhere close to Demarest and Mettler last Thursday around one in the morning; Really? You had to SCREAM everything you said? To the cunt munch wearing “heelie shoes” on the F thursday night, FUCK YOU and your bitch friend for rolling around the fucking bus and complaining to all the guys how they should give up their seats for you. Who the fuck wears heelies in college! How old are you 7 ?!?! You’re a FUGLY dumb loud slut who needs to grow the fuck up and stop hitting on guys outta your league...P.S. we’re ghey! :-D To the motherfucker hating on my X5; When I find out who you are ima drive your bitchass over in my new M e r c e d e s while blasting “Move Bitch” to an unnecessary higher volume. Then ima put it in reverse and run your dumbass over AGAIN just to make sure you can’t bitch about my Pirelli tires. To the bimbo in the front row of Econ, People and Environment: Shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear your retarded ass questions and comments. Its friday you cunt, all of us are hungover and want to get out early...not listen to your bullshit. asking the teacher if we get candy on halloween?! Heres a treat for you...next time you open your mouth and keep us late im going to skull fuck your eye socket with my shlong.
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
To all the a-holes who find it necessary to have pointless conversations in the library; SHUT THE FUCK UP. I have a midterm in 2 hours I need to study for and I don’t give a shit about the guy who hasn’t texted you back last night. To the ignorant bastards who commented about the “privately donated” stadium recruiting box in the targum article; Are you that much of a fucking idiot? Privately donated means exactly that. It was PRIVATELY DONATED so none of your precious funds were used to build it. Maybe if Rutgers had less fucking ignorant dicklickers like yourself we would have higher standerds of education and a successful football team. To that guy who slipped on what must have been 50 acorns when he was trying to cross the street; Thank you. Thank you for giving me something to laugh about at 10 in the morning on Douglass campus. To all the people who feel the need to write to The Medium to bitch about people on the bus that don’t move back or who take seats with their backpacks: Grow a fucking spine. Rather than anonymously complain about it after the fact, just tell the dipshits to move their asses to the back (or front, depending) of the bus. Stop hinting at the fact that you want to sit down by giving them a totally nasty stare, and just say something. Novel idea, huh?
To the girl in my math class who sits in the front row every class; Why the fuck do you smile like a retard all of the damn time?! This is Elementary Algebra! We feel stupid enough and really don’t need to see you making stupid faces for an hour and 20 minutes 3 days a week. To the dumb fucker in Alexander last Wednesday night talking about Bio 101; Didn’t you learn this shit in highschool you retard? I mean really? How can you question what an ion is or how water can dissolves things? How about investing in a tutor rather than yelling your incompetencies so loud that I can hear you with 30 feet of the stacks in the way. I am a pale skin Indian boy looking for the warm embraces of another man. I love a big shaft. I would like to meet new men and make love to you in my car because I commute. I would describe myself as a man willing to try anything suggested to me I WILL DO ANYTHING. If you would like to meet please respond in the next Medium telling me when and where.
To the small headed pussy in quad 1 house 16; You should have fucking intercepted it. Next time a ball hits your hands it better be a catch and not a touchdown for THE OTHER TEAM. I guess the only balls you know how to handle are other mens. To the Cockface McBalls that walked onto the H bus with your cigarette still lit; You are a fucking twat waffle. If it wasn’t for your hairy vag, the busdriver wouldnt of pulled over in (Or, you could just not be a East Bumblefuck to air out douche bag and move your the chode-wagon for like 87 fucking bag!) minutes in sub-zero weather... your pants are gay. To the guy who was pushing the lawnmower that ws To the History of Italy’s turned off up College Ave; People Bitch everyone fuckI would of liked to know ing hates; We were all overwhy you were doing that, joyed when you didn’t show but clearly, you looked like up to class Friday! Oh and you had a rough day and good luck using your bar wanted to punch someone tending skills no one gives a flying fuck about. No one in the face... wants to be around you soTo the boy in Social Psych: ber, and I highly doubt peoMy hot asian friend wants ple want to be around while to get with you and eye they’re drunk either... fucksyou every day in class. You need to get a clue and Bitch on bitches! personals@themedium. jump on that.
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 i’d like to express my gratitude to cartoon network for making metalocalypse nightly show. i looooooooooves me some dethklok. (Seconded!) there are bigger tits on the men than the women i’ve seen walking around douglass. i think i also saw a chick with a full mustache walking on busch. yo female personals editor, I’m real happy for you and i’mma let you finish, but satanic yoda was the best personals editor evah. best editor evah. (Thanks, now write funny Personals or inane drivel that I can skewer, dammit!) yo i dont know u know this $h!t butttt jmurda has been up north and he been down south but he aint ever find a dick that didnt fit in his mouth naw mean? free my nigga messe j (Dude, you submit shit like this almost every fucking week, and every time yo do, I’m more convinced that you’re some puny little white boy, like Ben Folds before he started to suck, only gayer.) To the Tinsley Dorm Lacrosse Freshman players: Who you trying to kid, you’re all a bunch of cock loving, butt-pirates who try to act tough even though your a bunch of pussies. Anyone can talk shit when someones back is turned to them. Guess you didn’t think i could hear you down the hall, next time i see you pole smokers, i’m going to break that stick across your ugly ass faces. This personal is upside down.
To the F bus chick in the Orange pants last week. Way to highlight your assets. Too bad you’re absolutely retarded. That “large lake thing” you pointed at? Yea, that’s the Raritan River. Schiano coaches football like he sucks dick- not very good (And you know from personal experience?) To my roommate who doesn’t wash her hair ever. You smell bitch so stop trying to pretend like you don’t know. Stop poisoning me with your smell and take that damn shower cap
“Who besides me is fucking ECSTATIC that South Park is back?.”
To the rutgers department of transportation and safety. Fuck you. Why do you love giving out fucking tickets you cunts. As if we¹re not already paying enough to go to this fucking school... 50 bucks for not having a fucking 1 inch wide sticker on my window? I¹m surprised those fat ass fake cops could even find the motivation to get out of their fake cop car to fucking look. Maybe they thought they saw some fucking candy or fried chicken and kool aide on the ground next to my car and then just thought while they were there the might as well check. (I got a fucking $50 parking ticket a few weeks ago for parking behind the College Ave gym so I could finish this page. And I think NBPA has taken like $100 from me since July. If that’s not a carnal sin, then I don’t know what is...oh wait, the entire Catholic Church and their boy-fucking priests.) To that foreign loser with the blue sportbike on busch, are you for real? honestly. do you really need to carry around your helmet like an asshole? and to be extra douchy, you park that shit right outside whereever the fuck you have class so everyone can watch you rev it up and speed off like some sort of middle eastern tom cruise. wake the fuck up, welcome to america To all the Niggas! Nobody cares about your brothers locked up in prison, they fucked up and that’s there punishment. Stop blaming the White man, remember Obama is president, there’s no excuses anymore. go get a job! (I cannot WAIT to see you get your ass beat for that.) To the Segway guy on Busch. You’re cool. Happy now? (No, he’s not. He’s riding on a fucking Segway. Speaking of which, actually, I’ve seen some NBPA people riding around on Segways. They look really fucking stupid, kinda like bike cops.) to the asian lady who works at the busch dining hall.. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!! (Uh, which Asian lady at Busch?)
Barack Obama, You are the black Democrat version of George W Bush YOU SUCK!!!! (Stupid...) To the girl crying outside of alexander library drawing attention to herself: go to the clinic and get rid of it. Stop crying where EVERYONE walks while you CRY. (She probably just got dumped, move in for the rebound fuck!) to the fucking cunts who live below and next to me in the newells stop trying to rat us out every week. who gives a fuck if it may or may not allegedly smell like weed in the hallway. its college, maybe you guys should come hit it with us and you will stop being such nerdy bitches and stop trying to get us all arrested every other day To the douches outside of Hickman and the Starkeys always smoking, you do know smoking is for queers, Don’t you read the Onion? (Don’t you know? Smoking make you COOOOOL!) To the Sauce head wannabe guido on the 4th floor at frelinghuysen, stop walking around in your fruit of the loom boxer briefs and pumping your fist like you are at a rave. No one wants to see the stretch marks on your fat tits you pube head, go get a new haircut (More proof that guidos are just repressed homosexuals. All the fake tanning and lip gloss must have finally taken its toll. They should start a support group. It can be called “For All Guidos that Get Off to The Schlong, you know, F.A.G.G.O.T.S. To the cry baby at metler. You know who you are, stop drinking so hard, you obviously can’t hold your liquor and i’m sick of hearing you cry for help, and begging for someone to take you to the hospital. Maybe it’s time for some AA sessions and some thearpy. (My friend, some just weren’t meant to make it. Two words: Natural Selection.) To the girls in that one suite on the 3rd floor of Winkler: you’re all really really short. (Maybe they can blow you while standing up?)
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
I don’t know if you had the misfortune to be on College Ave and get harassed by those poor, misguided fools that stand around trying to give you their stupid Bibles (I’m an Atheist, deal with it). In addition, I’m sure you’ve seen that one psycho with the sign that reminds us that we’re all going to hell for enjoying our lives - you know, rabid drinking, drug binges, promiscuous hetero/homosexual sex, stomping on babies, you get the idea. Here are my top 5 favorite things to yell back at the crazy Christians.... 1. No, YOU’RE going to hell! 2. Thanks for the toilet paper. 3. RAAAAAAAAAPE! 4. Wow, you make me SO horny... 5. ALLAH AKHBAR JIIIIIIIIIHAAAAAAAD!!!! Come up with some of your own and try them out next time you see them. The person that gets them to totally lose their shit gets, uh, something nice. Cheers, people. ~Satanic Yoda To all the stupid FRAT FUCKS at rutgers.You are the worst pieces of trash on campus. You walk around thinking your important and all cool when everyone fucking hates you. No one FUCKING cares that ALL YOU DO is get drunk and rape passed out drunk girls. cause thats about all you can do. and to the FUCKIN SKANKY GIRLS who enjoy frat parties, your fucking disgusting. seriously. die. You think your all fucking hot shit cause you walk around half naked with pounds of makeup on ? well FUCK YOU you FUCKIN trashy FUCKS (...And you JUST realized this?) To the stupid ASIAN bitch in mettler hall!! EAT SHIT!! you suck at poker! Thanks for the 10 dollars!! haha -_- thats you to the dumb sorostitute in the brower line who was bitching to her mom about failing planet earth: maybe you should have bought better grades before you decided to buy your friends. To the kid whose table collapsed at brower today causing a huge comotion... HAHA that was awesome and you looked like such a douche. I could not have pictured that happening to a better person you steven glansberg mother fucker. Maybe if you had some god damn friends it would have balanced out the table a bit more. fuck you
To my Expos teacher, who thinks failing half the class on an essay to scare us is cool: Maybe you should buy a vibrator instead of taking out your bottled up frustration on us, your students, who are REQUIRED to take your miserable class. News flash, we all graduated high school AND we even did well enough on the SAT’s to get into college. To most people, that would indicate that we know how to write an essay. Fuck you and your bullshit about us not trying hard enough and having bad attitudes or whatever. Fuck you for giving people who submitted a complete essay written according to your every specification a C and fuck you for not even being able to offer a good reason for it. We may just have to stage a coup on your ass, crotchity-cunt bitch. You certainly won’t be teaching here long if you think failing the majority of a class makes US look bad to the university. (I give props to anyone besides me who took the time to actually read that whole thing. However, I’m willing to bet that based on my experience in Expos, half of your class is fucking retarded and probably shouldn’t have been given a high school diploma, and therefore can’t write a coherent paragraph to save their lives. When the inevitable happens and you have to proofread their papers, bring a gun.)
Wednesday, Spocktober 14th, 2009
“Nightcrawler, you were a good man.”
You Better Remember: Salute Your Shorts!
10/14 @ College Ave - If anyone who isn’t affiliated with the Medium and/or my neighbor calls me “Alex Shurman” and pats me on the shoulder, I give you a dollar. 10/15 @ College Ave - This is pretty much the last Thirsty Thursday. Well, the last one that girls will go all-out over. It’s gettin a bit nippy, and other than Halloween festivities, there’s no incentive to walk around Frat Row for an hour deciding where to get date-raped. 10/17 @ NYC - “The Booth” is having a special showing of Andy Warhol’s video where he filmed that building for like eight hours or whatever. The admission is $45 for students, $50 for babies. Fuckin’ douche babies. 10/21 @ Assorted Campuses - Rutgers Students read the Medium instead of the Targum, and realize that it’s supremely better than that other rag we compete against. The Targus I think it’s called? I’ve never read it, I wouldn’t know.
Still Shakin’: PLAYGROUNDS
Playgrounds, as far as I’m concerned, are the original social networking site. Yes, I’m sorta stealing that from that commercial about camping, but the point remains the same. As a little kid, you learn who’s cool and who isn’t simply by how easily or arduously they traverse a playground. If they could jump from that one slide to the other, then they’re your best friend. The pussy kids that sat on the swings don’t even deserve comment. Christ, Playgrounds are still fun, and I’m 21 years old. They might even be more fun. Throwing your body on the line by jumping over a bridge and barely onto a fake rock structure just because you didn’t want to become “it” is pretty god-damned fun. I think a good compass for how cool you are as a person is your ability to have fun on a playground. Extra points for being airborn often. Some of you probably think I’m rambling about nothing, but fuck that, playgrounds represent something intangible about childhood that you can’t ever get back even if you want to. Some sort of hope, a dream. Little kids playing on the playground was a constant battle. Not against each other, but against themselves. The little kid finally learning how to go across monkey bars was a story of determination. We lack this kind of determination in our older age; we don’t try to better ourselves for purely the reason of wanting to achieve something. Hell, I never stopped playing on these damn things. Me and my friends actually had a league in high school. A fucking league. With stats, and tournaments. Yea, we came up with a way to take playing on a junglegym really fucking seriously. And we had tons of fun doing it. Half of the nicknames for all my friends that are still used today were created during intense games of “Blind Man’s Bluff” after school. Christ, look at the picture up there. It looks like a castle. That looks like so much fun, I want to find out where it is and go play on it. Shit, what are we doing at college, there’s playgrounds all over America. Get out and enjoy yourself, without booze or drugs. Have fun, bro.
Camp Ana-Fucking-Wanna! Hell yes. Salute Your Shorts was the best show ever created, until Rocko’s Modern Life at least. This show followed the lives of your everyday campers trying to find fun shit to do while they pretend there isn’t a shit-ton of sexual tension between them. Hell, even Donkeylips got laid on that show, and he is morbidly hilarious. When I was a kid I wanted to go to camp because of how awesome this show was. I never did though, because then I wouldn’t have been able to watch Salute Your Shorts. This show had everything a kid could want, hot girls, underpants on a flagpole, and a giant water-balloon fight that everyone took really seriously. Maybe even too seriously. That thing was like a real war, I think half of the cast has post-traumatic stress from being in such an intense water-balloonery. AWFUL WAFFLE! Holy shit I forgot about that. Have you ever been awful waffled? You sure as shit don’t want to, I can guarantee that. It ends with anal sex. Not the good kind either, the other kind. If you don’t remember Salute Your Shorts, then fuck you.
Caption Contest Winners!
Winner - “I’m so happy I could have sex with my wife!” Runner-up - “HYAAAHHHH!” Loser - “I am a man and I have legs that allow me to jump.”