2010-03-10 by The Daily Cardinal

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892

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Babies and pregnant women are repulsive

Volume 119, Issue 104

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 l fax (608) 262-8100

JILLIAN LEVY one in a jillian

News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com Charles Brace Editor in Chief Ryan Hebel Managing Editor Kelsey Gunderson Campus Editor Grace Urban City Editor Hannah Furfaro State Editor Hannah McClung Enterprise Editor Ashley Davis Associate News Editor Alison Dirr Senior News Reporters Ariel Shapiro Robert Taylor Anthony Cefali Opinion Editors Todd Stevens Katie Foran-McHale Arts Editors Jacqueline O’Reilly Scott Kellogg Sports Editors Nico Savidge Kevin Slane Page Two Editor Madeline Anderson Features Editor Ben Pierson Life and Style Editor Isabel Álvarez Photo Editors Danny Marchewka Caitlin Kirihara Graphics Editors Natasha Soglin Jenny Peek Multimedia Editor Jamie Stark Editorial Board Chair Anna Jeon Copy Chiefs Kyle Sparks Justin Stephani Jake VIctor Liz Van Deslunt Copy Editors Margaret Raimann, Lisa Robleski, Victoria Statz Maddie Yardley

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Cole Wenzel Business Manager Katie Brown Advertising Manager Michael Cronin Accounts Receivable Manager Mindy Cummings Billing Manager Ana Devcic Senior Account Executive Mara Greenwald Account Executives Kristen Lindsay, D.J. Nogalski Mara Greenwald Graphic Designer Eric Harris Web Director Mia Beeson Marketing Director Erin Schmidtke Archivist The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. The Daily Cardinal is a nonproﬁt organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be typewritten, double-spaced and no longer than 200 words, including contact information. Letters may be sent to letters@dailycardinal.com.

Editorial Board Charles Brace Anthony Cefali Kathy Dittrich Ryan Hebel Nico Savidge Jamie Stark Todd Stevens Justin Stephani l

Board of Directors Vince Filak Cole Wenzel Joan Herzing Jason Stein Jeff Smoller Janet Larson Chris Long Charles Brace Katie Brown Benjamin Sayre Jenny Sereno Terry Shelton Melissa Anderson l

THURSDAY: rainy hi 53º / lo 40º

TODAY: rainy hi 51º / lo 39º

ometimes I wonder if my girly wiring is a little off. Instead of melting my heart and making my uterus glow with warmth, every time I look at a baby, I feel my arteries tighten and waves of nausea crash through my body. Seeing pregnant women is even worse. It’s not that I ﬁnd babies unattractive—although anyone who says that every baby is beautiful either has a really hideous child or never saw photos of my sister Alison in her infancy—it’s more that I ﬁnd them to be annoying and at times, terrifying. There are a lot of things about babies and the idea of getting pregnant that I can’t stand. Most prominently: the fat factor. While my body is nowhere near my idea of perfection, I’m pretty sure that there’s no faster

way to destroy your physique than shoving a baby into your stomach. When people say being pregnant is sexy or beautiful I throw up in my mouth a little. Babies live like kings and I hate it. Eat. Sleep. Cry. Shit. Cry. Sleep. Repeat. I can’t think of a more relaxing or wonderful life. Fortunate babies have a gaggle of women around them at all times (and perhaps one or two courageous men) who are willing to sniff butts, change diapers and lose their sleep and sanity. Sometimes I think to myself: If I ever accidentally had a baby, would I kill it out of envy? I’m way too selﬁsh to sacriﬁce my “Me” time for “Mini Me” time. That’s why I’ve become a birth-control connoisseur of sorts. For the last six years, I’ve swallowed hundreds of pills, gotten stuck with countless needles, stuck patches on my ass and allowed doctors to examine areas of my body that not even I want to see that closely, all in the name of never, ever becoming pregnant. I think if someone told me that swallowing quarters or shaving my head bald would prevent me from

getting knocked up, I would absolutely do it without thinking twice. Recently, I decided that I wanted to get an IUD. For those of you who are less educated in the ways of the birth-control world, an IUD is a little T-shaped piece of plastic or copper that lives in a uterus for five to 12 years. Meaning, no babies for five to 12 years. Dream come true! There are some downsides. It’s crazy expensive, and it obviously doesn’t insert itself, so that’s a guaranteed awkward experience for everyone involved. But I took Econ 101, and I know how these things work. There’s a cost/benefit relationship, and I don’t care what the cost is as long as the benefit is a child-free life. Sometimes people question my antibaby antics. Most say things like, “Oh, you’re so young. You’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy,” or, “You’re very maternal. You’d love to be a mom someday.” To them I say, A) “I think I’ve found Mr. Right, and let me tell you, he is not going to be Mr. Dad. I am

not sharing his patience with some stupid kids. Within ﬁve years he would be so frustrated with our ‘family’ he would have to leave and then I would be stuck with a gaggle of children that I don’t want.” And B) “I have to be maternal to take care of the children I already have, like my father, my sister and my alcoholic roommates. I don’t have time for the whole birthing process.” My reasoning for not wanting children is rock-solid. Why the hell would I ever want little versions of myself running around, terrorizing mankind? Ninety percent of the time when I reﬂect on the choices I’ve made in my life it’s hard not to shudder and feel sympathetic for my father. I’m not sure my heart is in any condition to go through half of what I put him through. I would be in jail for murder before any of them reached 16... That is, if they even make it past the nonstop crying infancy. Does your blood curdle at the sight of pregnant women? Have a baby horror story? Email Jillian at jlevy2@wisc.edu.

ASK THE DEER CARDINAL Life is hard. The Deer Cardinal is here to help.

Deer Cardinal— I’m trapped in a burning house and the smoke is piling up! I used to remember this helpful acronym they taught us in elementary school. I think it was stop, drop and something, but I can’t remember the last step! PLEASE HELP THE FLAMES ARE SO HOT I THINK IT’S STARTING TO MELT MY COMPUT— Hello there, concerned citizen! First of all, why the anonymous letter? I usually only answer questions when people leave their name, because as my father always said, if you’re gonna say something, you should

be willing to let everyone know you said it. My father was a pretty smart guy, I guess. Funny, too. He just never had time for any of us baby birds back at the nest as the St. Louis Cardinals mascot. Then he got fired from St. Louis for drinking on the job and took a job with the Arizona Cardinals, which was a major step down. Plus he didn’t have enough money to move the whole family, after he blew it all in a bad birdseed deal. Our entire childhood consisted of working odd jobs, taking care of each other and watching my dad act like a drunk idiot on Sundays in front of tens of thousands of

booing fans. The humiliation was almost unbearable. Wait, what was your question again? Oh, the fire thing. I think you’re all wrong, man. The first ‘s’ definitely stands for ‘scream,’ so I’d start there if I were you. Thanks for writing! Deer Cardinal— Can I ask you a personal question? I’m not a very outgoing kid, and I kind of need friends. Like, I don’t know a single person. I have a single in Lucky and barely ever leave my room. You seem like the kind of guy I’d like to get a beer with; wanna hang out sometime? —Greg K.

GregNo. Think the Deer Cardinal was kind of a dick this week? Well maybe you should try typing an advice column and raising three baby birds with a broken wing, you worthless cretin! E-mail him porn links, hilarious cat videos and maybe some questions, if you really have to at deercardinal@da ilycardinal.com.

Campus Briefs The best in fake news delivered in briefs for your reading pleasure

For the record Corrections or clariﬁcations? Call The Daily Cardinal ofﬁce at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to edit@dailycardinal.com.

Girl walking home wearing frat boy’s sweatpants ‘isn’t fooling anyone,’ sources say Christie Mathews insists that she and well-known womanizer Nick Jackson are simply “study buddies” after being questioned by reporters while walking from Jackson’s residence to her own at approximately 7:45 a.m. local time Sunday morning. Mathews was seen wearing Jackson’s “Beaver High School Wrestling” sweatpants, as well as a men’s large North Face coat, heavily rumored to belong to Jackson, while she made the journey that the liar insists was “definitely not a walk of shame.” Despite Mathews’ repeated claims that she simply “fell asleep” after studying “for hours” with Jackson Saturday night, even friends remain skeptical of Mathews’ version of the events. “I saw her around midnight at Brothers with Nick, yeah, she

looked wasted. But then again, Christie’s always getting wasted. She says they didn’t fuck? She isn’t fooling anyone,” said eyewitness and fellow Biology 101 classmate Brad Tillman. When reporters asked Jackson about the night’s events the following day, he evaded the question. “I don’t kiss and tell and me saying that doesn’t necessarily mean that me and Christie hooked up,” Jackson said with an obnoxious grin. “All I can say is that I’m at college to have a good time and above all to GET THE JOB DONE, ya know what I’m saying?” Jackson then pretended to shoot an imaginary basket into an imaginary hoop and made a “swish” sound with his mouth. As reporters started to leave Jackson’s residence, Jackson’s roommate and fellow douchebag Trey Abrams entered the apartment and asked Jackson how his Saturday night had gone.

Jackson responded that he “got another notch on the old belt” before making repeated pelvic thrusts toward his roommate while pretending to spank an imaginary buttocks. —Phil Vesselinovitch Comm. Arts student ﬁnds professor on Chat Roulette, feels really uncomfortable UW-Madison sophomore Chrissy Anderson was still in shock yesterday after encountering her Comm. Arts professor on the social networking website Chat Roulette. “I had just clicked past another guy masturbating, and there was professor Michaels, staring at me,” Anderson said. “I was in my pajamas and everything.” Chat Roulette, a site that randomly connects users via webcam, has led to a number of strange and hilarious encounters. “My friend saw his dad on

there the other day,” junior Greg McLellan said. “They were both holding signs that said ‘show titties please.’ He said it was pretty damn awkward.” Professor Harold Michaels, a media studies professor in Arts Communication the Department, insisted his use of Chat Roulette was purely for research purposes. “I teach a class called ‘Critical Internet Studies,’ of course I’m going to be on Chat Roulette!” Michaels said. “The fact that I was wearing a mesh tank top was entirely coincidental.” Michaels said he would continue his research on Chat Roulette but would most likely wear a “Friday the 13th” mask in the future to avoid any future confrontations. “I wish Chrissy the best of luck this semester,” Michaels said. “But if she thinks she can use this to get extra credit, she’s out of her damn mind.” —Kevin Slane