page two
TODAY: partly sunny
WEDNESDAY: partly sunny
hi 54º / lo 34º
hi 57º / lo 39º
2 Tuesday, October 15, 2013 l
An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 123, Issue 29
DREAMS : Snoozing to infinity & beyond
Inur yo
2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100
News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com
Editor-in-Chief Abigail Becker
Managing Editor Mara Jezior
News Team News Manager Sam Cusick Campus Editor Megan Stoebig College Editor Tamar Myers City Editor Melissa Howison State Editor Jack Casey Enterprise Editor Meghan Chua Associate News Editor Sarah Olson Features Editor Shannon Kelly Opinion Editors Haleigh Amant • Nikki Stout Editorial Board Chair Anna Duffin Arts Editors Cameron Graff • Andy Holsteen Sports Editors Brett Bachman • Jonah Beleckis Page Two Editors Rachel Schulze • Alex Tucker Photo Editors Courtney Kessler • Jane Thompson Graphics Editors Haley Henschel • Chrystel Paulson Multimedia Editor Grey Satterfield Science Editor Nia Sathiamoorthi Life & Style Editor Elana Charles Special Pages Editor Samy Moskol Social Media Manager Sam Garigliano Copy Chiefs Vince Huth • Maya Miller Kayla Schmidt • Rachel Wanat Copy Editors Hamdi Hamzah • Kerry Huth Jake Smasal
Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Jacob Sattler Office Manager Emily Rosenbaum Advertising Managers Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Account Executives Karli Bieniek • Lyndsay Bloomfield Tessa Coan • Zachary Hanlon Elissa Hersh • Will Huberty Ally Justinak • Paulina Kovalo Jordan Laeyendecker • Danny Mahlum Eric O’Neil • Ali Syverson Marketing Director Cooper Boland Design Manager Lauren Mather
The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.
Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Abigail Becker • Mara Jezior Jennifer Sereno • Stephen DiTullio Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Jacob Sattler • Janet Larson Don Miner • Chris Drosner Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Tina Zavoral
Editorial Board Haleigh Amant • Abigail Becker Riley Beggin • Anna Duffin Mara Jezior • Cheyenne Langkamp Tyler Nickerson • Michael Penn Nikki Stout © 2013, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
For the record An article printed in Monday’s paper was clarified online to reflect that the individual who jumped from a State Street building and died identified as a woman. We regret the error and offer condolences to friends and family of the deceased.
dailycardinal.com
KANE KAIMAN dream interpreter
Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. He can dream in over a dozen languages. This week’s dream: “I was an astronaut, and I was getting ready to go into space. I was in a room—a locker room—with the other astronauts, and I was putting on my suit. I put on my helmet, and we walked out of the room, down a tube and into a rocket. We got in our seats in some kind of control room and then the countdown started. The lead astronaut said, “I hope this works,” which freaked me out. It was really scary, like climbing to the top in a roller-coaster car. The whole place was shaking. Then we launched and went into the sky and finally into space. I wasn’t scared anymore, and then we all started floating around. It was really cool to be weightless. That’s all I can remember.” —Brandon Feld, senior One hundred percent accurate interpretation:
“Space: The final frontier.” It seems glamorous, doesn’t it? Well, it can be a real nightmare.
You’ll never read this in any government report, but NASA sent me up to the International Space Station in 2001. They said the astronauts were having trouble coping with the isolation, and there were reports the Artificial Intelligence onboard was acting strangely. I was intrigued. Up to that point, I’d only counseled humans and a few dolphins, never a highly sophisticated, self-aware computer. They dressed me up like the Pillsbury Doughboy, gave me a pat on the ass and shot me into space. The astronauts were all having the same recurring dream. For 78 straight days, the crew members envisioned going on a dangerous spacewalk to fix a solar panel. The rest of their work grinded to a halt as they began to compulsively check the status of all 264,000 solar cells lining the wings of the station. On one particularly disturbing occasion, I asked the Canadian astronaut what he wanted for dinner. “Solar panel,” he replied with a lunatic grin. After psychoanalyzing ISAAC, the AI system, I suspected that he was to blame. I monitored the crew members in their sleep pods and discovered that ISAAC had been delivering shocks to their bodies late at night, stimulating the dream centers of their brains. When the computer reported a broken solar panel the next day, the crew members scrambled to get their spacesuits on. I didn’t let them outside.
That’s just what ISAAC would have wanted. Laser gun in hand, I forced the astronauts into straightjackets. Ignoring ISAAC’s monotonous voice over the intercom (“What are you doing, Kane? Kane, I’m afraid.”), I made my way to the
GRAPHIC BY HALEY HENSCHEL
control room and shorted his circuits, saving the day. But, hey, find me a selfrespecting dream interpreter who hasn’t done something like that. Anyway, your dream is pretty straightforward. The rocket launch is a metaphor for your abrupt transition to the working world after college graduation. The part where the captain says, “I hope this works,” is very telling. Like most kids your age, you’re nervous about your future. In a world where college graduates struggle to find jobs, you’re worried about how your resume is going to hold up. The fact that you’re dreaming about being an astronaut is a flashback to your childhood. I’d be willing to bet that when Mrs. Francis asked you to fingerpaint what you wanted to be when you grew up, you drew a space man. Why not make your childhood dreams a reality? The brainwaves in REM sleep are nearly identical to the brainwaves during the day. It’s almost as if you already have one launch under your belt, which would put you way ahead of the curve.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Send him an email at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
A plea to bring back a piece of campus past SAMY MOSKOL sam yams
D
ear UW administration, Thanks for all the new pretty buildings you’ve bestowed to us over the last few years. Union South is a piece of art. I like how shiny the floors are. The new Gordon Commons is divine. Dejope, too. And I can’t believe how environmentally friendly Leopold Hall is—probably as friendly as Aldo Leopold himself, may his blessed soul live on through all of our new buildings. (Aldo’s Cafe, anyone?) Speaking of, the 5 percent of the WID I have access to is beautiful too. When I’m inside, I feel like a scientist! Enjoying all of these buildings makes me feel a lot more well-off than a 21-year-old college student working 15 hours a week at a campus catering job should feel, so for that, I thank you for giving me such a won-
derfully false sense of luxury. So when I make this small request, apologies if it comes off as ungrateful and inconsiderate. I want my fountain. My Library Mall fountain, please and thank you. That’s really all I’ve wanted from you for the last three years. Here’s a timeline of my relationship with the fountain. October 2009: UW campus tour as high school senior. Fountain solidifies decision to apply to UW. Start of freshman year 2010: I enjoy sitting on lovely stone benches to watch water spout from top of fountain during free time. Obama visit fall 2010: Crowding to see famous president puts fountain in imminent danger. Obama time to spring 2012: Fountain covered and dry, while construction of underground pipey pipes proceeds around it. Little public understanding of why or how. May 5ish to May 28ish 2012: The fountain is opened! Once again! Forever!
May 28ish 2012 to now: Fountain closed as Library Mall becomes token dumping ground for Memorial Union reinvestment construction, which will be complete on an unknown date. Is most depressing acre on campus.
I want my fountain. My Library Mall fountain, please and thank you. So to sum up, woe is me. But I’m not the only one upset by the lack of fountain. There was once an adorable duck couple that called the fountain home. The two are currently displaced. Also, there used to be a man who would doggie paddle in the fountain with only his underwear on. He looked so happy. Now, that
man is permanently unhappy. I’ll stop whining about the changes to Memorial Union (including the loss of the Play Circle Theater, the craft shop and the Paul Bunyan room, which might be replaced by bigger and better play circles, craft shops, and Bunyan rooms, respectively.) So since these bigger and better things will be completed after my time anyway, I request, dear future alma mater, that you halt construction on the Union IMMEDIATELY and wait until after my graduation date (May 18, 2014) to resume. Evacuate all the constructiony nonsense and restore to me a lovely Library Mall with fountain and grass and the whole shebang in the meantime. Thanks. Love, Samy B.A. 2014 in history, international studies, certificate in environmental studies and sarcasm. When was the last time you saw the Library Mall fountain? Email Samy about it at moskol@wisc.edu.