editor-in-chief michael chmielewski email@example.com
The University of Regina Students’ Newspaper Since 1962 March 27 - May 14, 2014|Volume 56, Issue 24|carillonregina.com
business manager shaadie musleh firstname.lastname@example.org production manager kyle leitch email@example.com
copy editor michelle jones firstname.lastname@example.org news editor
Happy birthday, Hate Feature!
a&c editor robyn tocker email@example.com sports editor autumn mcdowell firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s three-years-old, andit’s cutting its teeth on the worst the U of R has to offer.
op-ed editor farron ager email@example.com visual editor emily wright firstname.lastname@example.org
Once you’ve gotten over your indignation over our cover, reignite it by reading about all of our gripes on pages 13 & 14.
advertising manager neil adams email@example.com technical editor arthur ward firstname.lastname@example.org distro manager staff writer news writer a&c writer sports writer photographers
taylor sockett paige kreutzwieser eman bare destiny kaus brady lang julia dima haley klassen apolline lucyk spencer reid
contributors this week liam fitz-gerald, brenna engel, laura billett, lauren neumann, kaitlynn nordal, tatenda chikukwa, dietrich neu, john kapp, dan sherven, ravinesh sakaran, taras matkovsky
additional material by: the staff
THE CARILLON BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Hippity-hoppity. page 8 Destiny Kaus talks about magician bunnies and getting a book published. Yeah, it’s pretty rad.
Michael Chmielewski, Shaadie Musleh, Autumn McDowell, vacant, vacant, vacant, vacant
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www.carillonregina.com Ph: (306) 586 8867 Printed by Transcontinental Publishing Inc, Saskatoon, SK The Carillon welcomes contributions.
Correspondence can be mailed, emailed, or dropped off in person. Please include your name, address, and telephone number on all letters to the editor. Only the author’s name, title/position (if applicable) and city will be published. Names may be withheld upon request at the discretion of the Carillon.
Letters should be no more than 350 words, and may be edited for space, clarity, accuracy, and vulgarity. The Carillon is a wholly autonomous organization with no afilliation with the University of Regina Students’ Union. Opinions expressed in the pages of the Carillon are expressly those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of The Carillon Newspaper Inc. Opinions expressed in advertisements appearing in the Carillon are those of the advertisers, and not necessarily of The Carillon Newspaper Inc. or its staff. The Carillon is published no less than 11 times each semester during the fall and winter semesters and periodically throughout the summer. The Carillon is published by The Carillon Newspaper Inc, a non-profit organization.
Passage to Bangkok. page 6 I know Shanghai isn’t the same thing as Bangkok, but a Rush reference seemed appropriate. Dr. John Meehan has the distinct honour of being the last in our U of R Book Series this volume.
Farewell page 17 Instead of using the blurb that Autumn typed out for me (and has dutifully for the last two years), I’m instead taking this opportunity to send off a helluva sports editor, journalist, and someone I’m glad I can call friend. What the puck? on page 17.
Free Market Fuckery. page 19 As it turns out, we’re all money-grubbing assholes. Leave it to nice guy Arthur Ward to point it out to the rest of us.
In keeping with our reckless, devil-may-care image, our office has absolutely no concrete information on the Carillon’s formative years readily available. What follows is the story that’s been passed down from editor to editor for over forty years. In the late 1950s, the University of Regina planned the construction of several new buildings on the campus grounds. One of these proposed buildings was a belltower on the academic green. If you look out on the academic green today, the first thing you’ll notice is that it has absolutely nothing resembling a belltower. The University never got a belltower, but what it did get was the Carillon, a newspaper that serves as a symbolic bell tower on campus, a loud and clear voice belonging to each and every student.
illegitimi non carborundum.
news a&c sports op-ed cover
Liam Fitz-Gerald Killarney Sheffield Arthur Ward Michael Chmielewski Arthur Ward
In other news: RCMP are warning senior citizens about the latest phishing email scam. The RCMP would like to remind everyone that there is no Prince of Moose Jaw, and if such an individual emails you asking for a cash advance, they kindly request that you contact your local police detachment.
Editor: Alec Salloum email@example.com the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Expect a tuition hike!
The provincial budget will hit U of R students hard alec salloum news editor
The provincial budget, released March 19, has detailed what the future holds for education in the coming year. In terms of the U of R, a future of belt tightening and penny pinching is being faced. Despite the budget being balanced, in fact a $71 million surplus was declared, the university was again snubbed in its proposed increase to operating funds. The budget stated that “a $12 million increase in operating funds” would be implemented, translating to “an average two percent increase” for the university. The problem arises in that university asked for a four percent increase to their operating funds. This has been a consistent trend, as the university has not received its desired funding in recent memory. Outgoing URSU President Nathan Sgrazzutti expressed such sentiment stating, “the U of R has done three years of three percent across the board cuts, those are horizontal cuts, and some of our faculties are at their limits.” Sgrazzutti went on to say the two per cent is not what the U of R needed. “[We] needed a four per-
Emily Wright An increase looms for U of R students
cent increase to their operating budget in order to continue offering the same classes, programs, and functionalities that it did this year.” Considering that the arts and culture program was cut this year, this shouldn’t be hard to replicate. U of R President Vianne Timmons has emphasized austerity in the coming year. “The
two percent is going to be a challenge; we’re going to have to find efficiencies,” said Timmons. Unfortunately, these efficiencies manifest as fewer professors and increased tuition. In a Global News interview, Timmons stated, “I’ve taken the opportunity over the last four years to take every position freed up when someone leaves or retires as an opportunity to
look at efficiencies.” She goes on to say, “We have not filled a lot of positions and we’ll continue to do that.” However, in response to these vacancies and the recent budget, Timmons said, “what we’ll do is look at every single position, and some of those have been filled. What we do is scrutinize carefully the impact of
not filling it … and also look at it in terms of how much money we have in the administration.” It remains to be seen what actually happens, but if the administration is bracing for austerity in response to not receiving their proposed budget, it seems likely these vacancies will remain as ‘efficiencies.’ With a nearly 20 per cent increase in the student population, fewer programs are to be met with an increase to tuitions this coming year. “One of my goals is to keep tuition low but that is a real challenge,” said Timmons in response to this, emphasizing that university costs in Saskatchewan are among the lowest in Canada. Despite this, an increase is still looming for U of R students. Recently elected URSU president Devon Peters will have only a week from being elected until he is put in front of the University Board of Governors to argue for lower tuitions. Pragmatically speaking, the U of R is moving towards another year of paying more for less. Tuition continues to rise, vacancies remain, and programs have been cut.
English as an additional language How the budget will affect this and other programs eman bare news writer
This years provincial budget includes an almost $600,000 addition in funding to the EAL program in Saskatchewan. English as an Additional Language is offered at many Saskatchewan schools, including the University of Regina. According to statistics from 2013, Saskatchewan has over 3,000 students that are enrolled in EAL support programs in schools. It is also believed that in Regina and Saskatoon alone, there is an expected 8,000 students who need additional help with the English language. “We will look around the province. The ministry officials will work and determine where the number of new students are, and allocate it on that basis,” said Minister of Education Don Morgan, when asked where the funding would be used. “We are not going to allocate it just on the basis of what the per capita is.” In the 2011 census, statistics show that there are 68,780 Saskatchewan residents who were born in other countries. The consensus of 2006 in com-
parison shows that there were a total of 48,160 Saskatchewan residents who were born in a foreign country. “We want to make sure that we have everything that we can do to try and encourage immigration. We work with the federal government and we work with the employers,” said Morgan. “The people who come to this province, we need their skills, we need them in our work force and the last thing that we want to do is have a lack of English language support being an impediment to them coming.” In addition to increasing funding to EAL programs, the government has also increased funding to the Adult Basic Education program. The budget invested an additional $2.1 million in funding, and this translated into an additional 700 seats in the program. Jennifer Burton, an EAL teacher at the University of Regina, said that the government needs to start paying more attention to skilled workers in the province, and this budget was a good first step. “There seems to be a lack of EAL programs directed to the skilled workers that are in
Saskatchewan,” said Burton. “While they (skilled workers) have to pass a certain level of English proficiency to apply for the visa, they could still benefit from a class with an emphasize on technical English.” Others are critical of the funding the Saskatchewan Government provided. “Unfortunately the dollars that we see on that front are insufficient. It’s really exciting that we have a growing population, and a big part of that population is a new Canadian population and many of those individuals are learning English, “ said Trent Wotherspoon, an MLA for the NDP. “It adds a complexity to classrooms and it certainly is a challenge for the students. Government needs to do a better job of supporting the growth in that population, the needs of those students, and making sure they have the resources required to have the best quality education to fulfill their full potential here in Saskatchewan.” Statistics show that 20,620 people have immigrated to Saskatchewan between 2006-2011. Those numbers translate into 39 per cent of the immigrant population in the province arriving
Eman Bare Jennifer Burton working with an EAL student
within those four years. “We’ve seen a lot of problems with this government’s track record when it comes to the immigrant nominee program, so we’re continuing to listen to the immigrant community to ensure that needs are being met,” said Cam Broten, leader of the NDP. “It comes down to education as well. We need to make sure the right resources
are in the classroom so that we have enough ELA teachers and the right supports are there.” Although it has yet to be determined just how the nearly $600,000 in funding will be used for EAL programs in this province, the need to support the growing immigrant population is evident both in statistics and in schools.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Report on the URSU elections
A breakdown of statistics from this years election michael chmielewski editor-in-chief
The University of Regina Students’ Union’s (URSU) elections have come and gone for another year. Since all four of the previous executives did not run again, U of R students will be dealing with a brand new executive. Devon Peters won President, Luanne Drake won VP Student Affairs, Daniella Zemlak was acclaimed to VP External, and Minsoo Cho is the new VP Operations and Finance. Peters took 796 votes to Amir Aboguddah’s and Annie Dormuth’s 475 and 391, respectively. Drake beat out Naveed Qamar 905-509, Zemlak ran unopposed, and Minsoo Cho won a close one against Robert Vancise, 741 votes to 703. The new executive moves into their offices May 1. Out of a possible 12270 students who were eligible to vote, only 1664 did. This means that 13.6 per cent of students voted. Furthermore, no nomina-
Michael Chmielewski For some, perhaps next year will go better.
tions were received for many Director positions, including Aboriginal Students’, Arts, LGBTQ Students’, CFS, and seven others. The new URSU cast are coming into their offices at a tough time. Elected officials
from previous years have moved on, for better or for worse, student apathy is quite high, many students have no clue what URSU is, and the recent provincial budget potentially spells trouble for the U of R in general. Outgoing President Nathan
Sgrazzutti expressed concern that the new President has to go into the University’s Board of Governors’ meeting only seven days after taking office. This is the Board meeting that deals with potentially increasing tuition. “URSU’s student membership needs to seriously look at their election stage,” Sgrazzutti explained, “because having a President brand new and green, especially if they don’t agree with the past President, entering the U of R Board of Governors’ meeting for budgets, the one that has to deal with tuition, seven days into their term, it’s not a successful system for us.” Sgrazzutti emphasized that in this respect, things need to change. “We need to look at different times for the elections; we need to look at opportunities for something. There needs to be some different way we can do this so that our President and VPs are not going to the meeting and preparing for things like that seven days into their term.” Incoming President Devon
Peters said that this obviously makes things harder for him. “I think the timing’s definitely unfortunate, but I’ve already been working with the current executive and the GM to prepare myself for the meeting. I’m taking it very seriously.” As to changing the dates for that the President, in some way, would have more time to prepare for this critical meeting. “It’s definitely something we’ll be talking about in the coming year, though, to ensure that students get the most out of their student’s union” Peters said. The budget, this year, as Sgrazzutti put it, “is not what we needed.” For more information on the budget, please see pg.3, “Expect a tuition hike!” Peters said that “in my eyes, the provincial budget was another blow to post-secondary institutions and students around the province.” Where URSU goes from here, and the university, is going to be something to watch in the coming months.
The astounding disappearing plane The Malaysian flight that can’t be found paige kreutzwieser staff writer
In one of the biggest searches in aviation history that makes David Copperfield’s magic look like child’s play, a Malaysia Airlines B777-200 aircraft disappeared from south Asian radar systems. March 8 at 2:40 AM UTC, the MH370 flight carrying 227 passengers, two infants, and twelve crew members lost contact between Malaysia and Vietnam. The plane departed from Kuala Lumpur International Airport in Selangor, Malaysia at 12:41 AM local time (LT) and was expected to arrive at China’s Beijing Capital International Airport at 6:30 AM LT. Approximately two hours into the flight at the expected altitude of 35,000 ft, Subang Air Traffic Control reported they had lost communication with the aircraft. Malaysia Airlines Vice President of Operations Control, Fuad Sharuji, told CNN early morning March 8 that they had “no idea where this aircraft is right now,” and that the seven to seven and half hours of fuel had probably run out. 160 Chinese passengers made up majority of the 241 people on board. Relatives of the Chinese passengers have since been pressuring Beijing officials for more after the Wall Street Journal reported the Chinese state admitted to pro-
Pieter van Marion A different picture for once!
ducing satellite images of the believed crash site should not have been released on their Administration for Science, Tech-
nology and Industry for National Defense website. Some of those also involved in the search for the aircraft in-
cluded Australia, Burma, New Zealand, Japan and the United States military. Local fisherman from the Port Blair islands, east
After nearly two weeks of confusion and a myriad of theories, lat-
est satellite images of wreckage was spotted in the southern Indian Ocean. Analysis of these images confirmed that flight MH370’s “last position was in the Indian Ocean, west of Perth.”
of Thailand, were also contacted by senior police officials in the area after search for the plane expanded into the Indian Ocean. After nearly two weeks of confusion and a myriad of theories, latest satellite images of wreckage were spotted in the southern Indian Ocean. Analysis of these images confirmed that flight MH370’s “last position was in the Indian Ocean, west of Perth,” explained Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak the morning of March 24. Chinese and Australian planes both located similar objects within the same area of the world’s third-largest ocean. The Daily Mail reported that on March 28, pictures by the Chinese of 72 ft by 42 ft objects were located 75 miles apart of Australia’s suggested location. No distress call was given by Captain Zaharie Shah, which created a cloud of confusion over the incident. Ships are now being sent to the location and information will continue to be disclosed as to what happened on flight MH370 when the plane’s black box is detected and examined. The National Post reported March 24 that an emergency landing in Hong Kong by Malaysian Airlines flight MH066 was necessary after a generator failed on the A330-300 aircraft holding 271 passengers.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
U of R book series
Zone of Encounter: John Meehan and Chasing the Dragon in Shanghai liam fitz-gerald should have been staff
In recent years, contemporary media has been fixated on the rise of China as a political and economic force. Some of that concentration has focused on the reaction of western countries. Dr. John Meehan, President of Campion College and a professor of history at the University of Regina, has catalogued Canada’s early relationship with China in his 2011 book Chasing the Dragon in Shanghai. Meehan is no stranger to East Asian history and Canada’s connection to it. His doctoral thesis, which later became the basis of his book the Dominion and the Rising Sun, examined Canadian relations with Japan from 1929 to 1941. It was the research behind this thesisturned-book that got Meehan interested in China, specifically Shanghai. “While researching for my PhD thesis, I realized that the other area of Canadian activity at that time was China, and specifically Shanghai,” Meehan said, admitting that he was fascinated by the different layers of Shanghai. “It was really a cosmopolitan city, where people from many different cultures would meet and mix and mingle.” He continued saying the city was a “zone of encounter” between east and west. “There were over 200 Canadians at any given time in the
Michael Apel Shanghai at night.
Liam Fitz-Gerald Dr. Meehan examines Canada’s ties with Shanghai
1940s, so I became intrigued of who these people were and what kind of influence they had.” Meehan examined the period 1858-1952, from Lord Elgin’s arrival in Shanghai to when the final Canadian “Shanghailanders” (European residents of
Shanghai) left the Communist ruled city. Even though Canada and the People’s Republic of China celebrated forty years of Ottawa’s recognition of the Communist state in 2010, Canada’s relations with China existed prior to 1970. Yet Canadian historians initially overlooked rela-
tions with East Asia, focusing on relations with the United States and Europe. In recent years this has changed; partly from China’s ascension as an economic power as well as Asian Canadians playing a more pivotal role in business and politics. Meehan focuses on the role of Canadian missionaries, business people and everyday Shanghailanders. While missionaries had religious motives, many took up social causes such as promoting women’s education and ending the practice of foot-binding. Canadian business delegations came over to for trade, initially focused on agricultural ventures. Yet many Chinese were unhappy with the Canadian presence. From 1923 to 1947, Canada excluded Chinese immigrants and many Shanghai Chinese protested Canadian trade delegations as a result. Furthermore, many Chinese resented the European Shanghailanders, who were not subject to Chinese law, but the law of their respective country. Canadians were also afforded this privilege of extraterritoriality. “Many Chinese found that the Shanghailanders in these foreign enclaves weren’t subject to Chinese law and enjoyed a prosperity that many Chinese did not have, so [extraterritoriality] was seen as an insult to the Chinese people,” he explained, saying that when extraterritoriality was abolished in 1943, it was seen as a triumph of Chinese nationalism. Shortly after the WW2, the
Communists established control over the mainland. In 1949, Canada was prepared to recognize the Peoples Republic of China, but this did not happen until 1970. “The United States was a huge factor in why this did not happen. McCarthyism was about to take off and Communist China was seen on the same page as the Soviet Union. Another factor was Quebec. The Catholic Church was staunchly anti-communist and so Ottawa backed off,” Meehan said, explaining why it took twenty-one years for Canada to recognize China. Meehan highlights that the period was a formative one as it foreshadowed the types of Canadians who went over to China later, such as academics and business leaders. Yet he also highlights how mythmaking impacted relations with China. “This wasn’t a region that many people knew about so many Canadians went over there with unrealistic expectations of China being an unlimited market that would solve all of Canada’s economic woes. It wasn’t and I think it’s a caution to people today to say yes there is potential in China today but let’s be realistic,” he said, emphasizing that many Canadians were ignorant about the country they lived and traded in. “There are many challenges to dealing with China, cultural and political sensitivities. These are all things Canadians have to take into account.”
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Arguments for and against the XL Pipeline Do economic benefits outweigh environmental risks?
Javier Blas The arid reality of an oil field.
brenna engel contributor Lately, there has been speculation about the new XL Pipeline. The Keystone XL Pipeline is a proposed 1,179-mile (1,897 km), 36-inch-diameter crude oil pipeline beginning in Hardisty, AB., and extending south to Steele City, Neb. This pipeline is seen as a critical infrastructure project for the energy security of the United States and for strengthening the American economy. Along with transporting crude oil from Canada, the Keystone XL Pipeline will also support the significant growth of crude oil production in the United States by allowing American oil producers more access to the large refining markets found in the American Midwest and along the U.S. Gulf Coast. But there are those questioning if this is really the best idea to move forward with, especially with its potentially harmful effects on the environment. In Feb. 2014, more than 20,000 people gathered in Washington, D.C. to protest against the XL Pipeline project. Environmental groups say that this pipeline would only add to greenhouse gas emissions and would end horribly in the case of a spill. According to groups opposing the project, the pipeline could devastate ecosystems, pollute water sources and jeopardize public health.
Oil corporations invested in Canada’s tar sands are counting on the Keystone XL pipeline to make the expansion of oil extraction operations there profitable. The pipeline would double imports of tar sands oil into the United States and transport it to refineries on the Gulf Coast and ports for international export. Before TransCanada can begin construction, however, the company needs a presidential permit from the Obama administration, seeing as the pipeline crosses an international border. There are also many supporters who think that this pipeline will benefit all parties involved. A study shows that the Keystone XL Pipeline will generate approximately $1.8 billion in economic activity during construction in Nebraska alone. Because this is a private venture, no tax-payer dollars are needed to make this project happen. Keystone will give millions of dollars to state and county budgets that can be used to build roads, fund schools and much more. This pipeline also means jobs; more than 42,000 direct and indirect jobs would be available nationwide. TransCanada has entered into comprehensive project labour agreements with North America’s largest building trades unions including; the Laborers International Union of North America, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, the United Association of Jour-
neymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipefitting Industry of the United States and Canada, AFL-CIO, the International Union of Operating Engineers and the Pipeline Contractors Association. The agreement guarantees TransCanada will have the most capable, welltrained and ready workforce in the U.S. to construct the Keystone XL pipeline. 830,000 barrels of oil per day will flow through Keystone XL that will help reduce fuel prices for families coast to coast, and improve U.S. energy security by reducing reliance on Venezuelan and Middle Eastern oil. Gulf Coast refiners will turn the crude oil into gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, home heating oil, propane and kerosene. Though these seem to be prosperous points, how can the really be ensured? TransCanada cannot determine what could potentially go wrong. There is risk taking in any new venture, but with Keystone XL the environmental risk is substantial. There is 12 to 17 per cent higher greenhouse gas emissions from oil sands compared to extraction of conventional oil. A concern is that a pipeline spill would pollute air and critical water supplies and harm migratory birds along with other wildlife. The original route plan crossed the Sand Hills, the large wetland ecosystem in Nebraska, and the Ogallala Aquifer, one
of the largest reserves of fresh water in the world. The Ogallala Aquifer spans eight states, provides drinking water for two million people, and supports $20 billion in agriculture. Critics say that a major leak could ruin drinking water and devastate the mid-western U.S. economy. After opposition for laying the pipeline in this area, TransCanada agreed to change the route and skip the Sand Hills. In response to opposition TransCanada CEO Russ Girling has described the Keystone Pipeline as “routine,” noting that TransCanada has been building similar pipelines in North America for half a century and that there is 320,000km of similar oil pipelines in the U.S. today. He also stated that the Keystone Pipeline will include 57 improvements above standard requirements demanded by U.S. regulators so far, making it “the safest pipeline ever built”. Politically standing, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he believes the controversial oil pipeline will go ahead, despite pressure on the Obama administration by environmentalists. U.S. President Barack Obama says that he has no plans to hasten the process for making a decision. Obama discussed a shared interest in addressing greenhouse gas emissions with Harper, and stated that all decisions, not just
Keystone, should take greenhouse gas emissions into account. The decision on whether to approve the last crucial leg of the Alberta-to-Texas pipeline, said Obama, remains in the hands of the U.S. State Department. But the pipeline, he warned, will only move forward if it “doesn’t significantly exacerbate the problem of carbon pollution”. With all these arguments flying around it is hard to see a definite conclusion. With political leaders differing opinions and protests coming about, the prospects of the Keystone XL Pipeline are not clear. TransCanada seems to back their points validly, but if they do not get the thumbs up from both Canada and the U.S. what will happen? At this point no one can say for sure, yes there are environmental risks in this project, but at the end of the day it would be beneficial for both economies in North America. There is always going to be opposition to major oil expeditions, but more often than not they will move forward. The Keystone XL Pipeline does not look like there will be progress any time soon, as Harper is still waiting for a decision to be made by Obama. But Stephen Harper says that Keystone XL Pipeline is high on Canada’s list of priorities and that they will keep pushing until a decision is met.
The pipeline would double imports of tar sands oil into the United States and transport it to refineries on the Gulf Coast and ports for international export.
Editor: Robyn Tocker firstname.lastname@example.org the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Michael Chmielewski You’ll be missed, roundtable, but not the semester, nor these heart attack drinks.
FARE THEE WELL, A&C ROUNDTABLE michael chmielewski, laura billett, liam fitz-gerald, lauren neumann, robyn tocker so roundtable, wow! Was your St. Paddy’s day filled with copious amounts of green alcohol (if not what were you doing??)? MC: A little, but not copious, unfortunately. I was editing the paper and inevitably finishing some homework. LB: Normally, I love the excuse to dress festive and drink, but this year I was not in the festive mood at all. I actually kept forgetting it was St. Patrick’s Day. So, I spent my evening in the usual, boring student fashion: on the couch pretending to do homework. LFG: My St. Patrick’s Day was filled with copious amounts of school work, coffee, and later red wine and the latest “Sights and Sounds” EP. I didn’t even wear green on St Paddy’s Day (cue the trendy haters). It’s just another overrated drinking holiday, like New Years, in my opinion. LN: I swear, I forgot that St. Patrick’s Day was a thing this year. My last-ditch attempt of participating was buying a sixpack and drinking it in my bed. Debated buying green food colouring, but was already fivedeep when I thought of that. RT: I wish. Instead, it was filled with Owl nachos and an editori-
al board meeting I couldn’t hear over the bagpipes. At least the nachos were decent. Who were you hoping will take over the show that is URSU? MC: No comment :P LB: I honestly do not know much, if anything, about URSU. Judging from the campaigning, Devon Peters really out-did the other candidates. His name was everywhere, and he has an awesome website that actually explains what he hopes to get done. I can’t judge who will be able to make changes, but his ideas seem reasonable. LFG: I really liked Annie Dormuth. She showed great enthusiasm and I honestly believed she was sincere about changing URSU culture. I like that she wanted to bring in extra revenue for student clubs. So it’s a little bit of a letdown for me, but that’s democracy. LN: Daniella Zemlak had my support. Other than that, I’m pretty indifferent, honestly. My political involvement doesn’t really stretch far enough to reach the university campus. Especially when there are candidates whose campaign posters are half-assed shitty memes that my 12-year-old brother would think are cool. RT: After reading the platforms of the candidates, I was inclined to vote for Devon Peters. He seemed to have the best platform and I actually believed
him when he said he wanted to change URSU. So, my heart was happy when I found out he did indeed win. However, I won’t be fully convinced of his platform until I actually see some changes. Hopefully they come soon. What has been the biggest letdown of the semester? MC: Personally, not getting the grades I want all the time, but that just motivates me to work harder! For the semester in general, the cheerleaders’ stunt. LB: Nothing really let me down this semester. I can easily hate on the weather, tough marking professors, or my procrastination-induced stress, but these things are unlikely to change next semester, or the one after… LFG: I’m very disappointed in how John Gormley was received at the U of R. I don’t care if you agree or disagree with his politics. The man was invited to speak, and was our guest. Universities are (in theory) a place of dialogue and openness, which includes left and right politics. LN: “This semester, I won’t blow $10 every day on coffee. I’m going to cut back, instead.” – Me, three months ago. Doing the exact opposite was a letdown. Who wants to pay my rent? RT: The amount of stress I brought on myself by working two jobs and going to Journalism school full time. Try balancing 10 pitches a week and make a radio program at the same
time, then come talk to me about stress! What’s the first thing you’re going to do once finals are over? MC: Sleep, sleep, sleep, read a bunch of books, have some drinks, and then get to work and to classes! LB: Ideally it will be warm outside, and I will go for a long, relaxing run to burn off all the exam stress. Realistically, I will bake a batch of cookies for myself and binge-watch House of Cards. It’s taking all of my self-control to wait until exams are over to watch season two. LFG: Read! I’m going to start with A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole probably followed by all the Gore Vidal novels I picked up from the Buy the Book closing sale earlier this year. I also might reread The Satanic Verses and Joseph Boyden’s latest novel. LN: Read all of the books my little heart has been desiring without having the twinge of guilt in my gut that I’m cheating on my textbooks with more exciting lovers. And gardening. Lots of gardening. RT: Sleep for a week straight, then chip away at a novel I’ve been working on for what seems like (and probably is) years. To make up for having no finals this year, I’m getting my wisdom teeth out in April, so that should be fun… This is going to sound preten-
tious, but what was your favourite thing about the A&C section this year? MC: Destiny Kaus’s articles in general, but especially “Philosophy’s tears.” The hate mail she gets would light up my day every time. Overall, the section has been very enjoyable to read all year, I’ve loved it! Good work Robyn! The Carillon will miss you! LB: The literary supplement was my favourite feature. I think it is great that students’ creative writing can be acknowledged. I think there is a lot of creative talent that doesn’t have as much of a chance to be developed with our focus on academic writing. LFG: I really enjoyed the “What can you do with X degree” section. My favorite article was Destiny’s article on “Philosophy” which I think was well written. As a student who minored in philosophy, it’s good to see positive coverage on arts faculties that are really struggling. Keep it up, Carillon. LN: The section definitely got me spending more time in art galleries, which is pretty rad. RT: Working on it week after week, honestly. I got to see how my contributors’ writing improved and my section in general just get stronger and stronger. It was very impressive. Thanks everyone for being so awesome and keeping my section going! I couldn’t have done it without you.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Rabbits in love? I love rabbits destiny kaus a&c writer
What do you get when you come across a sweet writer, sweet characters, and a sweet storyline? A sweet book. More specifically, a historical romance entitled Love’s Magic written by seasoned author Killarney Sheffield. Since Sheffield has published nine books in her writing career, she clearly has all the inside info about what life in the publishing world is really like. “Everybody thinks that you write a book and you publish it and you sit back and collect royalties,” says Sheffield. “That is not how it works.” Wait. What? That’s not how it works? Dang. Apparently you actually have to do *gasp* work when you want something published. Sheffield says, “Just to write the books takes me about three months. Then you usually go through about a month’s worth of edits with a publisher…then there are websites to build and blogs to write.” In other words, getting a book published is not just a bunch of happy, fluffy kittens floating above the earth on cottony clouds; it takes oodles of time, dedication, and marketing knowledge. For her newest book Love’s Magic, Sheffield had to think
outside of the blogger’s box (that does not sound right) to promote her work. “Love’s Magic has a rabbit in it,” says Sheffield. “He is kind of my heroine’s side kick. So, what I did was I found rabbit blogs on the internet and said ‘Hey, I have this rabbit in my book, can I come and talk to you guys about rabbits?’” This sounds like pure brilliance to me. And, her strategy worked, because I mean, heck, what rabbit blog wouldn’t want some excess rabbit material to post on its blog site? Unfortunately though, marketing takes a lot more work than writing blogs about rabbits. Why? Sheffield explains. “There’s not a lot of people out there who say ‘Hey this is how it’s done,’” Sheffield says. “It’s kind of like raising kids; there’s no manual.” After hearing this, I don’t really want to publish books…or raise kids… Anyway, after facing rejection from various publishers, Sheffield ended up publishing with Crimson Romance: a publishing company that actually held a nice little contest, which Sheffield entered. She says, “They offered to teach their authors how to market their books. And I went ‘Hey this is something no other publisher is doing. This is something I can really benefit from.’”
After the contest results came in *drum roll please* Sheffield placed second and got into the marketing course. Huzzah! She says, “Holy man have I learned a lot in six months.” Overall, this marketing course has helped Sheffield promote Love’s Magic: a book about a rabbit, love, and much more. “It’s a female magician, her black rabbit, a Duke who’s gotten himself into a whole lot more than he bargained for, a treasure map, and a band of pirates,” says Sheffield. “And from there, the book just turns into mayhem.” How does this book end? Well, SPOILER ALERT! Just kidding. But, seriously, apparently the rabbit kicks butt throughout the whole story. “You gotta love the rabbit,” Sheffield says. “He’s actually based on a rabbit that we had as a pet here for many years. I just had to add him to the book because this rabbit was like Houdini reincarnated.” Personally, when I think of rabbits, I think of puffy little, cute, hopping creatures, not magical, sincerely skilled, kickbutt rabbits like Sheffields’. Her take on rabbits is definitely unique, but super cool, in my opinion. And, what are Sheffields’ plans for the future? She says, “Well, of course
Killarney Sheffield Look at that cute little bunny on the cover. You can’t get much more adorable than that.
like every writer, I hope to have a New York Times Best Sellers one day. That’s every author’s dream…but basically, I just hope to be able to write until I
can’t write anymore.” Perhaps I will see Sheffield in New York if I ever get my arse off the couch and publish some stuff.
yay or nah?
The ‘90s called and want their black crop top with grey and white plaid back. Should we just give up and design a new look?
Combining the new and old Forever 21 has a new style kaitlynn nordal contributor
For this season’s Look Book, Forever 21 channelled the 1960s and 1980s. They do have more retro items such as ‘80s vintage tees, acid washed ripped jeans, and varsity jackets. This season, more than ever, they are all about the bohemian look. This is a very simple look to achieve with only three or four pieces, depending on what a person prefers. The first thing that is needed is a nice flower headband. Pair this with one of the newest dresses from Forever 21 in their newest line. They come in many bright colours but are longer, so keep that in mind if you are on the shorter side. The final thing needed for this look is a pair of gladiator sandals. Joe Denis is a former student at the Art Institute in Vancouver who sat down with the Carillon to talk about Forever 21’s newest designs. What do you think of the Marvel comic book character clothing? JD: It’s so sweet. I personally think it is actually really cool. I
JD: Jean overalls mixes country and city. We have seen a lot of overall reinvention over the last few years, so I say ‘hell yeah’ to this idea. Are the high-wasted shorts, pants and skirts a good idea or something that should be gone? JD: Sex appeal sells at the end of the day. I actually studied clothing trends in school and since we put a modern twist on them, they should stay. Forever 21 is all about the Bohemian look this season. Is this something that should have been left in the 1960s?
Roger Price Forever 21 – always sleek and stylish.
approve. Designers such as Jeremy Scott use pop culture references in their work all the time. This is best way to combine the
two best worlds and cross promotes. Crop tops paired with overalls:
JD: I personally admire this style, so I think it should stay around. It is totally like Forever 21 to pair a Bohemian style with gladiators
Designers such as Jeremy Scott use pop culture references in their
work all the time. This is best way to combine the two best worlds and cross promotes. Joe Denis
JD: I love using vintage from the ‘90s. After studying trends, I think it’s good to use old trends and reinvent. Forever 21’s newest thing is their skater skirt. Although it is more casual, this skirt can be dressed up and worn formally. JD: The newest line of dresses is mostly white. To combat this, pair it with a form fitting pleather jacket, and bright coloured shoes and jewellery. Their newest stuff has a lot of lace on it. Make a crochet tank-top a little fancier with a pair of floral print shorts. If you want more of a bohemian look on a more plain lace dress, add a layered charm necklace and gladiator sandals. If you have a lace shirt in your closet that you want to wear again, pair it with pastel pumps and high wasted skinny jeans for a bit of a retro look. This summer, to dress up a pair of cut offs, pair it with a nice lace shirt or cardigan.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
The Globe’s latest play brings out the tears robyn tocker a&c editor
When your dad is a drama teacher, it’s almost inevitable that you will get involved in theatre at some point in your life. This is the case with Josh Ramsden, leading male in the Globe Theatre’s play Salt-Water Moon. He says after being in his first show at age six, he took a lengthy hiatus. In other words, his dad signed him up for a drama class when Josh was in grade 10, leaving the adolescent no choice but to get back into acting. “When you’re in high school, you’re trying to find your identity and you don’t want to be just thought of as the drama teacher’s kid doing drama,” says Ramsden. “I was reluctant till then. Seeing the camaraderie in the group and class hooked me into doing it ever since.” After getting his Bachelor of Fine Arts for acting at the University of Saskatchewan, Ramsden worked out of various theatres like Greystone Theatre, Thigh High Theatre/Live Five, and Station Arts Centre in Saskatoon where he was in more of a directing capacity. Salt-Water Moon is Rams-
den’s debut at the Globe and he says he got involved because he knows many people through the conservatory program at the Globe Theatre. He said friends encouraged him to get involved with the Globe and so far, the choice has been a smart one. Salt-Water Moon is “a story for anyone who has been young and in love.” The setting: 1920s Newfoundland. Ramsden plays Jacob Mercer in this two-character play. Directed by Judy Wensel, this play tells the story of two young characters who “can push each other’s buttons and laugh and start fights and end fights” says Ramsden. With only a director, the female lead Lauren Holfeuer, and two stage managers, it was important from day one that everyone got along, which Ramsden says they did. He has known Holfeuer for over a decade, so the connection between them was there from the start. He says it has been a “really open and free experience.” “I can’t think of any time when I’m not enjoying the moment.” Of course, there are always challenges. Ramsden says having only two characters in the play makes it a challenge.
Darrol Hofmeister Josh Ramsden (left) and Lauren Holfeuer (right) star gaze.
“It’s one of the types of stories where we as the two actors are on stage the entirety of the show. We don’t get to walk away and prep ourselves for other scenes,” he says. In other words, the actors have to switch from the really tear-jerking moments to more humorous ones quickly. Personally, Ramsden says he has faced challenges with playing in the round. For all you non-theatre folks, that means
when the audience surrounds the stage space. “For the first week, two weeks even, it was really about me adjusting how to tell a story and make sure all audience members are getting that story told evenly.” Despite these challenges, Ramsden and the other participants are ready to get the show started. He says it is a romantic story, but not the gushy kind
(thank goodness!). “It’s the love between two people who care about each other as friends who want the other person to be the best person they can be and succeed and achieve what they should achieve and not settle.” Salt-Water Moon goes from March 19 until April 6. Tickets are available at the Globe Theatre.
“I think the biggest difference is that on the first two, our friend, Eric, was playing guitar and he left the band because he wanted to concentrate on Kung Fu,” says Stewart. “[Also], it’s less melodic and we wanted to explore a little darker themes and more intense music.” Sounds legit to me. Nothing is wrong with a little switcheroo, especially when you leave the music world to go practice something as cool as Kung Fu (see what I did there? Rhyming hard). At the end of March, Slates plans to start their 10-day cross-country tour. As part of their tour, the group will play in Regina on April 3 at the German Club. Why, you may ask, is their tour only 10 days? Well, Stewart says, “Dallas, he’s a teacher so when he has spring break, we basically have 10 days so we try to do 10 shows in 10 days…it’s quite a haul but it’s a lot of fun.” Having toured in Eastern and Central Europe and Cuba, Slates hopes to tour parts of Asia in the near future. Dang, I hope I can travel this much when I’m a teacher. But, ultimately, Slates just wants to keep doing what they’re doing. “As long as we enjoy being around each other and playing music, we’ll keep doing this and
touring,” says Stewart. “I can’t see us stopping anytime soon.” I can’t see their music career stopping anytime soon either. Unless, of course, more of their band members decide to pursue Kung Fu instead of music. You never know what the future may hold.
Sounds like plates
Punk band Slates comes to Regina destiny kaus a&c writer
The Edmonton-rooted punk band Slates found their band name, which does in fact rhyme with “plates,” after extensive research and consideration. James Stewart, Slates’ guitarist and main vocalist, says, “We’d been passing around names for like a couple weeks and we’re like ‘Okay let’s try this one’ and everyone’s like ‘Good enough.’ So that’s pretty much how that went.” Sick story. But, honestly, the name Slates sounds quite punkish and awesome considering it
popped out of thin air. In addition to their band name, Stewart, Lee Klippenstein (the bass player), Stefan Duret (the other guitarist), and Dallas Thompson (the drummer) share something else in common: their love for cats. In fact, Slates showcases their love for cats on their webpage by displaying a large picture of a cat. “We all have cats and we love our cats,” says Stewart. “We’re all pretty normal people and we like our cats so why not have a picture of a cat?” I concur. Why not? In my opinion, one can never have too
Jen Cymek Look, they even have their cats in their pictures!
many pictures of cats. As for their genre, Slates never really picked Punk; it just kind of always existed. Stewart says, “For me it wasn’t really a choice. It was kind of the only music that I could really play and feel like I was being sincere.” Boom! Here’s to playing authentic music with an authentic heart…that may have been a little soft… On Feb. 25, Slates released their new album Taiga (no, I don’t know how to pronounce that), which differs from their previous albums for a few reasons.
the carillon: punk rock pioneers since 1962
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Evil Santa is back
Game of Thrones season 4 is coming tatenda chikukwa contributor
April 6 cannot come soon enough! The fourth season of Game of Thrones will be on and everyone in my life will become completely irrelevant for exactly one hour! Last season shocked us with some serious manning’s and killings. Who could forget the jaw dropping Red Wedding or the grotesque slashing of Jamie Lannister’s hand? There are so many alliances’ broken and heroic journeys to be undertaken in this new season. Will this be the season we finally see Daenerys cross the narrow sea to kick ass in Kingslanding? Will we finally see Jon Snow get off his arse and support his brethren at the Wall and beyond? Will we see our pintsized hero (Tyrion) regain his power and influence? Will we see Cersei and Jamie continue to engage in the love so forbidden I dare not speak its name? And we damn sure better see some more white-walker action! Game of Thrones is really becoming like the Walking Dead by hiding all those white walkers! I know there are some people out there too concerned with getting an education or whatever to care for Game of Thrones but for those that do, this day has been a long time coming. When asked why she loved the show, Soutchai Quangtakoune eloquently replied, “Soft porn on TV with battle scenes, treach-
Robyn Tocker There can be only one book. I mean king!
ery, witches, zombies, etc. etc… The many reasons I love watching and will continue to watch!” Game of Thrones is like the cooler, older, juvenile delinquent brother to Lord of the Rings. We are unfortunately given ten episodes a season to divulge into this breath-taking fantasy world. I’ve never understood why HBO continues to set the series like this. There is far too much critical character development and rising action plots in the books. Thankfully we’ve had George R.R. Martin’s wonderful
book series to sustain us between seasons. The first and second books are almost the same as the television show except some character name changes and actions to better translate to television. For example, the character of Renly Baratheon is not presented as outwardly gay in books and there are changes in age to meet TV standards. All in all, nothing too drastic to alter the overall plots of the novels. Engineering student Michelle Kenny is one of those many excited fans that reads the books.
“I think my favorite character is Tyrion, the dwarf. In the book, you see more of his insecure side and his methods of coping. Since he has so much working against him, he’s become outwardly strong and quick witted.” The books are a must-read even if you are not a bookworm. Martin’s writing is easy to read, insanely descriptive and filled with very complex characters. Don’t be intimidated by the thickness of the book. You will meet a cast of very interesting, conflicted, manipulative and se-
ductive characters. The books tell the story from different character viewpoints. Martin excellently writes the different characters mannerisms and personalities. I, like Kenny, enjoy the hilariously funny and comedic narrative of Tyrion Lannister. His sarcastic and satirical word-of-phrase will have you chuckling in the face of death. Currently, there are five books in the series, but Martin has said he could be writing another two. There is some rumor he originally plotted the series as a trilogy so we many never know when the series will end. I just hope the 65-year-old lives long enough to complete the series. Martin has said that the filming is so intense that the series could surpass the books and possibly result in a feature film for the final book(s). Kenny isn’t interested in that at all. “I don’t think I would like the story done in movie form. There is just way too much information to go through in that short amount of time. Honestly, each book could be two seasons if they wanted.” Whether it’s on TV or film, Game of Thrones is absolutely captivating and fascinating. One moment you are rooting for the underdogs and then you’re basking in the glory of the villains’ evil deeds. I suggest you quickly catch up on the series because this season will certainly be the most action-packed and dramatic of them all.
The Giants’ Dance comes to the MAG lauren neumann contributor
When art strikes you in a way that leaves you questioning the way you see the world around you, and how you fit into its stream, the feeling is hard to ignore or forget. Large questions and grand ideas can leap from the most minimalist form, when the form is concise and done with purpose. Barbara Steinman’s The Giants’ Dance is spending some time in the Mackenzie Art Gallery this year in an exhibit, sharing the same name as her installation. The Montreal-native artist is well-known for her strong conceptual art that embodies themes of social observation, identity, and marginalization. The Giants’ Dance, created in 1989, continues on this theme with bold statement on organized religion and the individual. This chilling piece consists of two monumental installations of close-ups of ciba-chrome photographs that Steinman shot of Montreal graffiti, printed on two tall, slender stained wooden boxes. The sleek boxes
face each other from across the room as though they are paralleling each other - reflections of each other in a distant mirror. But neither box is seeing its true reflection. On one box, the word “iSLam,” – “I am”, is engraved across the top of the image in the glass cover. On the countering box, engraved in the same position as its partner, reads “JESUis”- “Je suis.” “The Giants’ Dance is a substantial work that feels weathered by poor existence. Reminding us that Islam and Judeo-Christian literature both described God originally as ‘I am,’ Steinman is suggesting that, as individuals, we are the same,” wrote curator Cindy Richmond, in her essay Barbara Steinman: Uncertain Moments. “As religio-ethnic nations, we are made to believe self-righteously in our differences, which produces an historical path alternating between order and chaos.” The two boxes, only slightly different, face each other as though they are looking deep into a projection of their own souls. The thick pull between the boxes is felt throughout the
jesuismichelle Islam and Christianity – two religions coming together.
room. You could cut the tension with a knife. Not the tension of two conflicting religions opposing each other, but rather, the thick, magnetic attraction the two images exude. The strong positioning of the two images creates a narrative between the two religions. It’s difficult, as a viewer, to know exactly how to feel in the middle
of this interaction. This installation surpasses the idea of differences in religions and religious groups. They are all the same, as are the people who practice them. The Giants’ Dance questions the true meaning of organized religions. How we define them, how society sees them and how they are polarized. It
observes how belonging to a certain religious group can define you, while both separating and uniting you. These two religions are facing each other in an effortless harmony that transcends the conflict and separation woven deeply into organized religion. The Giants’ Dance will be shown until May 4 and the MacKenzie Art Gallery.
the dickies autumn mcdowell, taylor sockett, michael chmielewski, kyle leitch five minutes or less for acceptance speeches, please
It’s been another incredible year for University of Regina athletics. While some of you ended your Cougars careers at the top of the podium, others narrowly missed out on deserving awards. To make up for this, the Carillon staff has decided to give out the only legitimate awards that matter all year. However, since some of you can be pissy, it has to be said that these awards are purely for fun; if you do not have a sense of humour, please skip this page now. Without further ado, here it is, the moment you have been waiting four years for, Autumn McDowell’s final article. Sickest whip: Carter Selinger Carter Selinger and his 87 Mazda easily take this award category home in uncontested, unanimous fashion. Selly’s sweet ride is complete with a fast red paint finish and multiple rust spots that merely add to the nostalgia of this beauty. The only logical explanation for its constant break-ins is because someone of such immaculate taste in fine automobiles must house some prized possessions in their car. May I just say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. / Autumn McDowell Best flow: Ryan Wellman Not only does he possess one of the best lion mains to ever run onto the Rams field, but defensive lineman Ryan Wellman is far and away the most committed U of R athlete to his flow. Every time that helmet comes off and Wellman whips his hair back and forth, I join the group of stunned people. His hair is like a car accident, you just can’t look away. / Autumn McDowell Celebrity look-a-like: Sanfred King Since men’s hockey forward Sanfred King was held out of the best flow championship for the second year in a row, it was only fitting that he gets the award for celebrity look-a-like. Has anyone else notice his shocking resemblance to Pittsburgh Penguins defenceman Kris Letang on the ice? Not only do both of them sport long dark locks flowing out the bottom of their helmets, but they both sport the same overall plus/minus rating on the regular season… -6. / Autumn McDowell Most hate for the Carillon: Women’s volleyball This was another extremely obvious winner, the women’s volleyball team. In all my years at this place, covering sports, no matter what I have said about a team, none of them have ever taken to twitter and said that they would “kick the fucking shit out of me”, and then had multiple members of the team back them up. Well done, girls. / Autumn McDowell Brightest shoes: Kehlsie Crone Last year’s award winner Lindsay Leddignham ain’t got nothin’ on Kelsie Crone. Not only are her shoes brighter, but she also has identically matching socks to go with them, which takes her brightness to an all-new level. The florescent green looks like she took a trip to the nuclear power plant or had an altercation with flubber. Either way, in Kehlsie Crone’s world, every night, is neon night. / Autumn McDowell Most dedicated reader: Megan Chamberlin No newspaper can survive without its readers and the Carillon is no exception. Here at the Carillon we have many fantastic readers; however, we would like to acknowledge one who is special. Megan Chamberlin plays basketball for the Cougars and she also hates the Carillon. Luckily, Megan is able to overcome this sheer distaste week after week and continues to read every issue. From everyone here at the Carillon, thank you Megan for your continued support, we look forward to seeing your tweet about this sometime in the following week. /Taylor Sockett
Kyle Leitch It finally happened, an actual Dickie award. Couldn’t be happier.
the dickies awards ‘14
Arthur Ward His hair is like a car accident, you just can’t look away.
Smartest thing a sports team has done all year: When the Cheerleading squad decided to dress up as Cowboys and Indians, it was arguably one of the stupidest things done this year in sports. Who ever thought of it, and those that went along, should be ashamed of themselves. Yet, the smartest thing a sports team has done all year is to advertise their racism on social media. I’m reading a good book I think the cheerleaders would appreciate: Clearing the Plains, by James Daschuk / Michael Chmielewski Worst office basketball player: Arthur Ward Cougars athlete Arthur Ward possesses the worst paper-to-garbage-can ratio that I have ever seen. Despite the efforts of all of the Carillon staff to yell “KOBE” every time he sets up a shot, it inevitably sails past the desired target. I have only ever seen Arthur make one of these uncontested shots, and the whole staff celebrated as if he had just won kick-for-a-million. I now know why he is on the track and field team. /Autumn McDowell Most over-worked staff member: Braden Konschuh For the second year in a row, the Dickie award for the most-overworked staff
member easily goes to sports information director Braden Konschuh. Last year I claimed that it seems like he is everywhere and I stand by that statement, despite Braden claiming that he is almost never at the rink, even though hockey is his favourite sport. Also, may I just add that I have never seen him sitting down. /Autumn McDowell Best Instagram account: Kelly D’Autremont There are always a few alumni that surprise you with their accomplishments post-graduation, and Kelly D’Autremont became one of those surprises upon the creation of his Instagram account. Kelly doesn’t waste your time on duckface selfies, or over-filtered photos. He simply posts hilarious and embarrassing pictures of his friends, usually when they are wearing some sort of ridiculous outfit. Still can’t confirm if these photos were taken at theme parties, or if they are just everyday attire for his friends. / Autumn McDowell
far the most awkward tweet ever sent by anyone, much less a Cougars athlete. To make matters worse, sports information director Braden Konschuh replied to the tweet the next day and said “I give up.” What was the winky face you sent the @ReginaCougars account at 4:30 a.m. yesterday?” Mark opted not to reply, as apparently his sexual reference was not reciprocated. /Autumn McDowell
next person in line catch it, points are awarded for the person who saves the ball from hitting any of our multiple expensive computers, extra points are given if you hit a person in the face. Throwball was awarded first place, after a highly contested race between office golf and office fencing. / Autumn McDowell
Best office sport: Throwball
I was actually fairly confident in my ability to hide my questionable sports knowledge from the office, until I was asked to co-anchor the Carillon’s Super Bowl. From there, I spiralled wildly out of control, destroying every roundtable I partook in, and ruining perfectly good games of Throwball. Let’s just end by saying that I earned my rank as veteran fuck-goof. / Kyle Leitch
During the time when we clearly had better things to do, the Carillon staff decided to use materials found around the office, largely stolen from various career fairs, to invent our own sport, throwball. The rules are simple, throw a ball at a two foot strip along the top of the wall and have the
Most awkward tweet: Mark Schneider On Feb. 17, 2013 at 4:30 in the morning, men’s hockey defenceman Mark Schneider sent a winky face to the Regina Cougars twitter account, no description what so ever, just simply a winky face. This will go down as by
Autumn McDowell Wow. So awkward.
Worst Sports Knowledge: Kyle Leitch
congrats to all our “winners!”
the HATE feature
Emily Wright Fuck this guy.
Everything to hate around this crapshack, courtesy of the Carillon shaadie musleh, michael chmielewski, kyle leitch, dietrich neu, autumn mcdowell, michelle jones, neil adams, john kapp, robyn tocker, paige kreutzwieser, destiny kaus rageaholics anonymous
So it’s time of year everybody. Every last issue of the publishing year we run the hate feature: everything that the Carillon staff and contributors hate around here. We’ve got a lot of visceral content for you in these pages, so enjoy, because I’m going to go break things. I LOVE EVERYTHING I love the fact (note the sarcasm) that the “I am an Arts’ Student. Would you like fries with that” sign inspired a wave of moral outrage. How dare the university bookstore sell such a sign! Especially, when there are far more important issues at the U of R. Systematic racism, discrimination, and rising tuition deserve our attention and moral outrage rather than this dumb sign. Why does this university insist on cannibalizing itself based on what degree you have? Are we so far out of touch that we ignore that social connections and nepotism will get you a job faster than your degree? University is what you make it. It is your time to grow and experiment. I just hate the fact that the true value of a university education
gets over shadowed by this juvenile debate that my degree is better than yours. /SM Complainers I get it. Everybody gets busy, they’re stressed about what they have to do, and they want to vent. I know the feeling; I do it. But there’s a difference between venting and complaining, and I just hate when people complain incessantly about everything. Nothing’s good enough for them, ever. It just really irks me because I’m sure it’s not that bad. Yes, I do see the double irony of bitching about complainers, and in a feature essentially dedicated to complaining. /MC Attacks Against the Newspaper I know we have some controversial writers here at the Carillon, and I know we sometimes write some contentious things, but it would be nice if people took issue with the writers in question, and not the whole newspaper. There’s nothing that angries up the blood like reading, “I can’t believe the Carillon would print this shit, the newspaper gets shittier every year,” and et cetera. We’re a voice for all students on campus. If you have an issue, respond directly to the writer in our op-ed section. Oh wait, I forgot; that would require you to use your real names. /KL
I would rather shove spoons in my eyeballs and give myself a DIY lobotomy than use Regina Transit one more time. This year I’ve been late for class and work countless times – and the blame rests solely on this city’s shitty transit system. Every bus is late. Every fucking bus. Sometimes they just don’t show up at all. I feel like city council would rather cancel the whole system and eject all the poor people into outer space. I spent four months in Bangkok, Thailand, this year. Hundreds of thousands were rioting in the streets, basically trying to burn the city down. Every bus and train showed up on time. If Bangkok can do it in the midst of chaos, Regina should be able to do it in the midst of wind and dry air. There is literally no excuse for this shit. /DN
On October 1, 2013, URSU president Nathan Sgrazzutti promised a number of students on the Students Against Austerity Facebook page an open forum for students to have their concerns with URSU addressed sometime in early November, 2013. They didn’t set a date because they were “too busy trying to set the petition [for the new sign – which construction had already started on –] in motion ready to pass.” I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t remember any mention of a petition again (which was utterly useless); there was also no mention from URSU about the open forum again. Obviously, student concerns about our union’s practices are not at all important to our current URSU Executive. Here’s hoping the new candidates ran for the right reasons, and not just for money. As for this executive – good riddance to bad rubbish. /MJ
Elevator Snobs I think I speak for everyone when I say; if you take the elevator to the second floor, just know that everyone hates you. Even worse, if you have the balls to take the elevator down one single floor, just know that everyone is imagining ways to murder you. Now, obviously, I’m not talking about the people who are in a wheelchair or suffered an injury from the traitorous sidewalks outside and are forced to take the elevator. For you, by all means do it. As for the rest of you, I’ll begin plotting my Itchy and Scratchy scenarios against you immediately. /AM
St. Patrick’s Day John Lennon once said, “If you had the luck of the Irish you’d be sorry and wish you were dead.” Between massive and wholly avoidably famines in the 19th century and England’s intentionally divisive policies between Northern Ireland and the Republic to the south, they have not had what you would call ‘luck.’ St. Patrick’s Day continues the division between North and South, Protestant and Catholic. By celebrating a Catholic saint
as a representation of the Irish as a whole, we widen the gap between the two and increase the resentment of the North with each passing year. Not to say that St. Paddy’s day should be eliminated from our calendar (as long as the Guinness keeps flowing, not gonna happen) but along with green beer, silly hats and “Kiss me I’m drunk” T-shirts, there should be some thoughtful reflection on the very real and continuing struggles of the Irish people. /NA Commenters Following revelations that the U of R cheer team had taken a racially insensitive photo and posted to social media, it is only natural that news outlets would pick it up. I could not believe the outright racism of fully 90% of social media commenters refusing to believe racism continues to exist. These young women did not mean to offend. It is the despicable reaction by many of Regina’s social media users. White males angry that they do not get to decide what is or is not racism; it assumes that no one but the white male can set cultural norms, while people of colour have no right to be offended by a group of ignorant bourgeois adults dressing up in redface. Claiming you do not see race is not an excuse for being blind to your role in a system of oppression and exploitation. /JK
casm from that, I pity you. /RT Honey Crullers Suck If you like them, you are either 80 years old or have no teeth, or both. Likely both. Have you ever smelt them? Next time you head to Timmy’s, request a cruller and give it a whiff because they smell like dog-ears. And then throw it in the garbage because that’s where it belongs. Who even likes the texture of them? They feel like what I would imagine eating a rotten cucumber that’s been sitting in the fridge for months would feel like. I have seen a rotten cucumber and trust me, it’s gross. If you’re going to get a donut, get something with substance like a powdered raspberry - mmm... delicious. Or a Boston cream delectable! Or, anything with sprinkles - how delightful. I’d rather have day old Clam Chowder than eat a Honey Cruller. / PK Fire Alarms Emily Wright Everything in this list makes BatShaad sad.
Expensive Sign So, that sign, huh? That not-amillion-dollar sign. Guess what? It totally is costing a million bucks and I hate it. Like, I get that the area needs to be better lit, but unless that sign is going to glow in the dark, it’s not going to do anything to help make that area a safe place. Plus, with programs facing serious cuts on campus, doesn’t anyone think this money could be used for, gee, I don’t know, hiring more professors and offering more university classes? Apparently not. /RT
inconvenient for me having to walk up 3 flights of stairs to my room, but my gosh, what about those students who lived on the 12th floor? It’s unreal how problems like elevator breakdowns do not get addressed swiftly. And, heck, a few weeks into the school year, the elevators broke again and got “fixed.” This time, one poor student hopped on the elevator and dropped 3 or 4 floors because the stupid thing wasn’t actually fixed! Like, what the heck Res?! I will never feel completely safe riding one of those elevators again because of this incident. Sweet. /DK
I hate the Carillon because everyone now thinks I am a liberal arts student who hates everything because I am forced to write about things I hate. If you knew me I am not a hateful person - please overlook why I hate Honey Crullers and Boy Band haters below. I enjoy quite a few things, actually - see Honey Cruller and Boy Band below. And just because I am a poor student who wants to make an extra couple dollars and is told she is a really good writer (thanks Mom!) I am now classified as an angry arts student with no skill or principle. So, screw you Carillon, because I haven’t even declared a major! /PK
I know navigating a three-dimensional rectangle into a one-dimensional rectangle painted on the ground is a laborious mental process, but if I see one more Toyota Yaris or Volkswagen Golf quadruple-parked in an M lot, there’s going to be a significant increase in the number of compact cars that get firebombed. There should be a law implemented wherein if we see assholes like this, we can chop their cars for parts on the spot. /KL
Elevators in Residence I cannot even express how much I hate the elevators in the North Tower Residence. After the first few days of moving into Residence this year, guess what? The elevators broke. A couple days later they got fixed, and then, guess what? They broke again. Not only was this super
Easter Who is the dingus that decided the date for Easter? I know, I know, first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. Literally everybody ever knows that. Even Presbyterians. But do you know what a pain in the ass that is, Pope? OH, LET ME JUST GET MY FUCKING TELESCOPE AND SEXTANT, shit-heel. Like, does the Vatican have a guy whose whole job is to figure this shit out and dispense this vital information to
the faithful? He’s probably the guy smuggling in all the cocaine. Poor dude. /NA Of Media & Regime Change Canadian news outlets such as the National Post and its affiliates champion the warmongering behaviour of the Canadian state. Following NATO’s invasion of Libya democracy did not spring fully-formed. In fact, Libya has descended into chaos, while the Harper government’s disproportionate role in the destruction of the Gaddafi regime has gone largely unreported by a complicit media who rarely mention the six month bombing campaign or the 25,000 dead civilians or the shattered infrastructure left behind. This same media trumpets Ukrainian and Venezuelan regime changes while endorsing the arch-reactionary Conservative Party, at least there is some consistency there. Gaddafi was a monster but if you’re going to play a main role in fucking up someone’s state at least have the decency to put it back together. / JK Lack of Parking Somewhere, in the fiery pits of Ad-Hum, administrators cackle as they rake in the cash of international students. But, where will they store them all? They can’t just let the students wilt in the extreme heat and freeze in the snow. Why, she’ll build a new residence building! But where? In two parking lots, of course! Who needs parking space, after all? It’s not like a majority of university students here have cars and need to park in an area without getting a ticket. PS. If you couldn’t taste the sar-
Nothing makes my day more than being woken up at 3 a.m. by that amazing fire alarm and having to leave my room until Res figures out either a) someone did something dumb to set off a sprinkler system and wreck the South Tower or b) someone else did something dumb by leaving their window open, which burst a pipe and flooded the North Tower. Can’t people think a little more logically before they decide to do something that will affect the well-being and belongings of hundreds of other students? Apparently not. At least through my experience of living in Residence, I have learned a valuable lesson: keep all-important stuff off of the floor. Oh wait, if my stuff is off the floor, it’ll be closer to the sprinkler system. There is no winning with Residence. /DK Pedestrians Speaking of cars, did they stop becoming a ton-and-a-half of steel travelling anywhere between five and fifty clicks an hour? No? The way people walk around the parking lots, it sure seems like that’s the case. Somebody darted out from between parked cars within feet of me. Of course, I had to jam the brakes to stop, and they had the gall to glare at me? Hey fucker; take your headphones out, look both ways before you cross the street, and maybe vehicular manslaughter won’t be in your immediate future. /KL “Partnership” The Paul J. Hill school of business wants to establish a formal partnership with Hebrew University. Hebrew University is an active participant in the Israeli apartheid system in which land and livelihood are continuously
taken from Palestinian families in the occupied Gaza Strip and West Bank. Currently the Canadian government has made no apologies for its unconditional support of Israeli violence against the Palestinian people in a conflict whose casualties lie overwhelmingly on the side of the vastly outmatched Palestinian people. The Israeli and Canadian states have much in common. Both were founded on land taken from people who had lived there for thousands of years. Both introduced a system of racial segregation while viewing themselves as a democratic and free nation. It is immensely hypocritical for the business school at a university with such a focus on Indigenous education to seek partnership with an institution active in the oppression of a marginalized people. /JK Boy Band Haters Boy bands are necessary. I bonded with girl friends, made up amazing dance choreography, and spent hours day dreaming about my future boyfriend (A.J. obviously, he was such a rebel). Boy bands need to exist because every girl’s elementary school memories revolves around how Justin was better than J.T., how Brian was so sensitive, how 98 Degrees sucked, how Soul Decision was so underrated, how Zac Hanson was so good at the drums, how no one liked Howie or Kevin because let’s be honest - they were Howie and Kevin. Boy bands transcend generations; I’ve been able to relive my childhood with some of my best girlfriends through the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Every little girl (and females of age 24) deserves the chance to crush on the One Directions of the day without rude people calling them out for it. This is just “the story of my life.” /PK Security Guards Sometimes the Residence security guards make me feel like I’m in prison. I have been outside the main doors to North Residence at maybe 10:59pm, and I have had to watch a security guard right in front of my face lock the door I was just about to open and send me over to South Tower to get into my Residence. I understand doors need to be locked at 11pm, but seriously, there is a fine line between doing a job and being completely rude. Even when I’m inside, I need to show a security guard my Res ID, even though he has probably seen me nearly every day for the entire year. At least these security guards could put a smile on their face when they check my ID instead of glaring at me like I’m some sinister alien. /DK
the carillon: fuck everything, we’re going back to bed until it’s 1962, again.
Editor: Autumn McDowell email@example.com the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Arthur Ward Dammit. It was a tie. A tie is worse than losing.
taylor sockett, kyle leitch, michael chmielewski, paige kreutzwieser, brady lang, autumn mcdowell retired numbers What was your favourite U of R sports moment this year? Sockett: When first-year defensemen Brody Luhning, whom coach Todd Johnson is in love with, took penalties in not one but two overtimes. Yes, as you can imagine there was a profanity riddled spew coming from my area of the stands. Leitch: I think the collective hate of the Carillon by the women’s volleyball team has been my favorite sports moment this year. Certainly the most entertaining. Chmielewski: When Ward won medals.
Kreutzwieser: That time I pretended like I knew what I was doing when I covered a Rams game. Yeah, that was great when Frank McCrystal basically thought I was an idiot. He won’t remember that, though, so that makes it the best. Lang: Honestly, the first win for the men’s volleyball team this season was personally my favourite. After such a rough year, seeing them knock off Manitoba was extremely cool to see and the building was electric that night. McDowell: I think my favourite moment would have to be when I finally won that chips hamper at the hockey game after attending every home game for four years. Oh wait. Still waiting on that chips hamper.
Which mascot do you like better: Reggie or Rampage. Life or death, pick one. Sockett: Reggie because he is always busy entertaining the small children, keeping them away from me during the games. Which allows me the opportunity to spew profanity filled rants without the worry of it falling on the ears of little people. Leitch: Rampage has a cooler name. And life, I suppose. Chmielewski: Rampage, because he doesn’t get as much attention it seems. Kreutzwieser: Reggie clearly because (s)he gave me the most wicked high five I’ve ever experienced at the CIS volleyball nationals. And Rampage has yet to shoot a stupid yellow mini football my way at a Rams game. So, it’s only fair Reggie takes the title in my books. Lang: Oh without a doubt Rampage. Have you seen those horns? McDowell: If you would have asked this question last year, I would have answered Rampage hands down, based purely on the fact that I liked his mascot costume better. But they have for some reason decided to forgo Rampage’s former blonde locks and cute face in favour of a brown, non-cuddly-looking new Rampage. And I don’t like it. So, based purely on that I will have to go with Reggie, why is he named Reggie anyways? I would prefer it if his name was Cougie. Much cuter. The Regina Pats playoff series against the Brandon Wheat Kings is officially underway. Will you be taking in any playoff hockey action?
Sockett: Fuck, I wish I could say no, but I went Sunday night to see the Red and Blue lose 8-4. Now, this wasn’t a case of the team being unlucky, it was a case of the team playing like a bunch of swamp-donkeys. If that play continues, bring out the brooms, people, cause they’ll be getting swept. Leitch: There’s not enough liquor in the world to make me actively want to go to a Pats game. So, no. Chmielewski: Not really. I envy anyone who has time to go, but then again, if I were heavily invested, I’d make time. Kreutzwieser: I hate to break it to my loyal readers but... I won’t be partaking. Shocker, I know! But, like I say every year – maybe next season? Lang: I was able to catch game one and listened to parts of game two on the radio, if the Pats are able to pick up a win in Brandon, I’ll be back at the Brandt Saturday. McDowell: Unfortunately I haven’t made it to a game yet, but that’s probably a good thing, because if I had to watch my team lose 6-3 and then 8-4 on back-to-back nights I would be seeing red, instead of rocking it. I’m praying the Pats can push the series to at least five games so I can take in some action. What is your favourite sport to do in the summer? Yes, beer darts is a sport. Sockett: Golf, nothing beats getting drunk rear-ending the other cart and spilling Caesar on my beige golf pants. All the while hacking my way down the fairway, spitting profanity filled
rants all the way. Leitch: Bowling. I don’t know why, but I tend not to hit the lanes in the winter. Chmielewski: Non-alcoholic actual sport: football. Alcoholic pseudo-sport: beer-pong. Kreutzwieser: Favourite summer sport would have to be Beersbee. I suck at beer darts. My depth perception is cataclysmic. Beersbee requires the right amount of accuracy and agility, which I somehow manage to gain throughout each round. Lang: Golf and slowpitch. I can’t wait to get back on the course and guzzle a few down on the diamonds this summer. McDowell: I’m always up for a round of catch, or golf, or minigolf – in which I currently hold a 2-0 lead in the relationship series. As for the drinking sorts, I like to stick with fingers and shoulders. Being that this is Autumn’s last ever roundtable, what would you like to say to her, now that she can’t throw her keyboard at you. Sockett: Fuck you. Stop being a pansy and play me in game five of the relationship cup. P.S. Can we still be dating? Leitch: I thought I would scour my extensive film collection to find an appropriate quote to sum all this up. I settled on, “Shitter’s full!” It’s been a blast, McDeezy. Keep pissing ‘em off like a pro. Chmielewski: Congratulations on an awesome four years at the Carillon! Even though there’s been rough patches, you’ve
came out on top. Although the sports community at the U of R generally is celebrating your departure (women’s volleyball probably, and definitely the drunk girl that came up to me in the Owl last week complaining to me about you), we at the Carillon are not. I remember reading your work as a student, then as a contributor, and it was something I looked forward to every week, and this last year as Editor-in-Chief has been no different, except I get to read your articles earlier. The office, and the paper, won’t be the same without you. Don’t worry, dear readers, she can still throw her keyboard at me, and probably will again. Kreutzwieser: People like Autumn spend endless hours deeply involved in making an effort towards university sports and I hear a couple armchair quarterbacks complaining thinking they know better. I applaud and admire someone like Autumn and I wish her the best in the future. Also, thanks for letting me slide under the hockey radar; I don’t know who is going to fill your shoes on that one. Oh, and please don’t go too far – I don’t think I stand a chance being the only girl contributing to this! Lang: Just a big thank you! You’ve been a kick ass sports editor in the time I’ve been here and good luck in the future. McDowell: What shall I say to myself? You’re fucking awesome. Just kidding, I just want to thank everyone that has helped me over the past four years, from contributors to athletes, coaches and readers; you have truly made my university experience.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
One girl, two guys, and a massive food order Staff writer Paige Kreutzwieser has beers with two graduating athletes paige kreutzwieser staff writer
It’s the end of the semester and obviously, no one wants to do anything. So, with one more issue of the Carillon left, I thought what better way to continue my lazy mantra than with an interview at the Owl. University of Regina track and field athletes, Jeremy Eckert (high jump) and Chris Pickering (throwing), took advantage of the off-season. And two beers, one plate of stuffed jalapeno peppers, deep fried pickles, a loaded burger meal, and some left over nachos later, I present to you my interview with two fifth-year track and field athletes with impressive resumes – and interesting appetites. Before Eckert arrived, Pickering decided to bite the hand that feeds him and throw my dedication to promoting track and field right under the team bus. “All through high school and my first long many years of university I had this thing where I didn’t talk to reporters or the paper,” he said. “And then I talked to you.” From there, Pickering went on to admit that his season remained “really ugly” post-interview and claims his thirdplace finish at the Canada West Championships was largely due to my interference. But, Pickering nicely evad-
Jeremy Eckert’s Facebook, we were creeping. High jump is a crazy sport when you think about it.
ed towards his actually quite successful throwing season. Canada West saw Pickering throw 16.20 metres. The firstplace winner threw 16.95. At the Canadian Interuniversity Sport Championships (CIS), Pickering placed second with a 17.60 metre throw, which is half a metre farther than he had thrown throughout the year. Eric Brathwaite from York University – who Pickering claims is a monster of a human being – threw a 70 cm personal best at 17.81 metres. “Of course you’re disappointed,” admitted Pickering.
“It’s your fifth year, you want to win. But when a guy has an amazing day, he has an amazing day and there’s nothing you can do about it.” After Eckert arrived, our focus shifted towards more imperative topics. Due to my extreme journalistic competence, I raised the important question: “It was your last CIS. Did you cry?” As Pickering stated that he couldn’t talk for his teammate, Eckert casually joked, “I cried.” Eckert and Pickering both said the Canada West is far more enjoyable because of the team aspect, and that will be
missed. “You’re there to compete for the team, you have fun as a team. It’s a really good environment,” said Eckert. Coming into their first year on the team, the Cougar squad had not won a team banner. “From that point of time until now (6 years), we have won three Canada West [banners],” explained Pickering. Eckert admitted that for him this year’s Canada West meet is one of the best they had ever competed in with their men’s banner win, Eckert’s Men’s Performance of the Meet award,
and coach Bruce McCannel’s Canada West Men’s Track and Field Coach of the Year award. But, now that university competitions are now behind them, both athletes admitted that they are looking to pursue a future in their chosen sport. They also acknowledged the financial difficulty that comes along with that. “If you break the 100 metre world record, you’re a pretty big deal. If you break the men’s discus, not so much,” explained Pickering. Eckert, who in July travelled to Kazan, Russia for the 2013 Summer Universiade, explained that although the marquee events were what turned out the most spectators, it’s not the crowd that drives him to the sport anyways. “You’re not doing it for the fame,” said Pickering. “Not in track,” laughed Eckert. “Not too many kids have a picture of the world record holder in discus hanging on their walls at home,” added Pickering. For two incredibly dedicated and devoted athletes, their commitment to the Cougars will be missed. But, hopefully we can look forward to one day seeing both Eckert and Pickering on a bigger stage. And maybe with a little luck, I might even be able to convince Pickering to do another interview.
What do athletes do in the summer anyways? brady lang sports writer
With the CIS season coming to a close, students and athletes now shift their attention to their plans for the summer. With the light of summer coming up quickly and finals around the corner, many students and athletes alike are itching for their finals to be done so that they can return home to their families. For many students, the summer is a time to go out to the beach, get a job or an internship, or just simply have a good time with friends you haven’t seen in a while. For athletes, the summer usually means a time to get stronger and improve on their strength, skill, and stamina and increase their chances in the upcoming CIS season. That is exactly the case for Cougars men’s rookie wrestler Cole Veit. “Just plan on going home and seeing the family,” said the Wilke, Saskatchewan product. “Concentrating on the gym and building my stamina and some muscle so I can start fresh next year. Hanging out with the fam-
ily and getting a nice summer job while hitting up the lake from time to time. Relaxing and taking it easy one day at a time.” The first-year athlete thinks that working on getting bigger will help him in the long run at his time with the Cougars. “I feel like I can improve on getting bigger,” said Veit. “I wrestled against a few guys that were super big and the stamina is a big thing. My stamina isn’t where it needs to be right now so I just need to work on getting bigger and faster. [My training plans] are going to the gym every day for a couple hours and work on the cardio, if your cardio isn’t up you’re not at your full potential.” But getting bigger, stronger, faster isn’t that the only thing that’s important to Veit this off-season, who plans to make school a big factor. “It starts with gym and the schooling,” said Veit. “The schooling is very important to me and if my head is in it, it will all pay off in the long run. Eating right and making a routine out of going to the gym. [Over the summer] you’ve got to clear the mind and start fresh.” Two University of Regina
Arthur Ward Swag.
athletes that will surely be having a busy summer will be Rams second-year defensive end Michael Dadzie and third-year offensive lineman Kyle Paterson. They were invited and fared very well at the CFL combine in Toronto this past weekend after their impressive showing at the regional camp in Edmonton. The two Rams products will get
serious looks from the nine CFL teams in the upcoming draft. Dadzie has had somewhat of an extended summer as the Brampton, Ontario native dropped out of school after the first semester to focus on the upcoming CFL draft. As the snow melts and the temperature jumps into the pluses, you can tell that summer
is almost here. The summer also marks the end of an era here at the Carillon with long-time sports editor Autumn McDowell moving on to greener pastures. From myself and all of us at the Carillon, I’d just like to thank Autumn and wish her good luck in the future.
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
The Regina Pats face playoff woes What the hell happened? brady lang sports writer The Regina Pats may not be the team we were all hoping for this season. After watching a handful of games this season – and the playoff games that were last weekend – I can’t see the Pats taking that next step and beating the Brandon Wheat Kings. The Pats came out flat in game one of their first playoff series against the Wheat Kings on Saturday and haven’t seemed to be the number one squad that their record indicated in the regular season. Injuries, compiled with their style of play just doesn’t match up against Wheat Kings captain Ryan Pulock and the rest of the Brandon squad. The Pats’ offensive style of controlling the puck and working the perimeter will not work against feisty teams like the Brandon Wheat Kings. The Wheaties crash and bang offensive style may just be too much for the young Regina defence and because of this, the Pats just won’t be able to get past the Kelly McCrimmon-coached Brandon team. With the Brandt Centre packed on Saturday, the Pats were hurt by four goals by Brandon in the first period, chasing former Yorkton Terriors championship net minder Dawson
Arthur Ward Praying for a win!
MacAuley. The Brandt Centre was at a loss for words as the fourth goal slipped through the pads of MacAuley and the Pats couldn’t regain from the flurry of goals, eventually dropping the first game 6-3. It’s amazing to see how much confidence Pats head coach had in game two of the series after the rough outing MacAuley had in game one. After the sloppy performance, Pats head coach Malcolm Cameron kept the Prince Albert native in for all eight goals on Sunday night with the Pats dropping the second game of the set 8-4. You would have expected a short
leash, yet the confidence instilled by the coaching staff may just be the nod that MacAuley needs heading into Brandon for the next two games. Even though MacAuley started most of the season, the Pats acquired a new starting goaltender in Daniel Wapple mid way through the season to carry the team to heights that Pats fans haven’t seen in quite a while. Unfortunately, Wapple went out with a lower body injury late in February, forcing the squad to put in MacAuley as a replacement. With all of this set aside, the Pats team should hold their
heads high after the huge season that they had. In retrospect, the team’s 39 wins this season is nothing but spectacular when you think of past Pats teams that just could not get to the level that the 2013-14 squad has been at. With players in the past such as Jordan Eberle, Carter Ashton, Jordan Weal, Colten Tuebert, and Josh Harding, the Pats teams that housed these now NHL calibre players just were not good enough to get into the playoff picture – or do anything in the playoffs when the time arose. Cameron and his Pats team
Autumn McDowell says goodbye to the Carillon what the puck? autumn mcdowell sports editor for life
Dear readers of the Carillon, Well, the moment that you have all been waiting for has finally arrived, this will be my last issue as sports editor for the Carillon – please hold your applause until the end. After my first year as sports editor, I had no intentions of coming back to the position. In fact, I wrote in my legacy binder that whoever took over the job was “about to start hating their lives.” But, that idiot that took the position over was me, and it was me the year after that too, and now I don’t want to leave. I have been through a lot the past four years, not just in my personal life, but also with the sports section. When I took over the sports section, there was rarely any controversy over the pieces, and people were scared to say their true opinion, but I put a stop to that real quick. Not everyone always liked my blunt nature – that I will say what I truly think and throw objectivity out the win-
dow, but that is what makes me different than the sports editors that came before me. Sure, they may have been better cheerleaders than I have been, but I have reported the news – and put in sarcastic movie quotes in whenever possible, which clearly puts me a cut above the rest. People always ask me what has been the best moment while I have worked at the Carillon, but it’s really hard to narrow it down to just one. Covering the Grey Cup this year, getting to sit in the press box – the real one, not the restaurant/bar – was amazing and surely a once in a lifetime experience. However, I still think my time spent in NHL locker rooms might top that. It was there that I was truly living my dream; I was completely in my element and it’s a feeling that I hope to get back one day. Also having someone at O’Hanlons say, “You’re Autumn McDowell?!” excitedly was pretty sweet too. Of course, with the good there is always bad and I know that I have stuck my foot in my mouth on a number of occasions, to which I woke up to the smell of hate mail in the morning, but I learned to deal with
this. But, no matter what went on in my life, no matter how stressed out I was about school, no matter what boy was mean to me or what girl wanted to kick my ass, I always had the Carillon to go back to. Whatever I did, they were always in my corner, cheering me on, wanting me to succeed, and I don’t know what I will do without them. The Carillon has truly made my university experience, and I couldn’t be happier with what I have accomplished at this place. When I started here I was just a young girl with a dream to prove that I could talk about sports just as well as the boys could. I don’t know what I’m going to do without this place. Now, all I want to do is make them proud, so that I can be added to the list of successful alumni. And, with that, my four-year tenure at the Carillon has officially come to an end, while many of you are thinking to yourself, “goodbye and good riddance,” I just have one thing left to say. Hakuna Matata, bitches. Sincerely, Autumn McDowell
Arthur Ward Autumn the Grouch
are on the right track and have tools set in place to be a good team in the WHL for a long time. The Pats are going to have to have the hockey Gods on their side going into the hostile environment that is the Keystone Centre in Brandon. The Pats lost the season series 5-3 and will need to capitalize on every scoring chance if they intend on beating the rival Wheat Kings. Games three and four are in Brandon on Wednesday and Friday, with game five back in Regina on Saturday at 8:00p.m. in the Brandt Centre – if necessary.
Editor: Farron Ager firstname.lastname@example.org the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Point, counter point on cheating Surely everyone’s seen it at one point or another. The cell phone, little pieces of paper, or whatever the newer methods are. Cheating is prevalent at universities, and the U of R is no exception. Cheating makes a degree at the U of R worth much less. There needs to be an orchestrated effort to prevent cheating at our institution, and this can be done in multiple ways. This includes an honour code, stricter penalties for those caught, and initiating a sense of duty amongst the U of R community that cheating is wrong, and only serves to tarnish the halls of this university. An honour code, as in one that a student would sign before every test, or something like that, would have a direct psychological impact on the student. It reminds them, right before cheating, that it is wrong, that it is a betrayal to the institution, and of their fellow classmates. These honour codes also require other students to report cheating. If Elysia sees Alex cheating, then Elysia can no longer say “it’s not my problem, or it doesn’t affect me.” The imperative is on Elysia to report Alex, because if she doesn’t, she’s as guilty as the cheater.
Stricter penalties would act as a deterrence for cheating. If a student caught cheating is put to the sword and kicked out of university (with proof, of course), or at least fails the course, other potential cheaters would be deterred. That cheater would also learn a valuable life lesson. A sense of duty is probably the hardest to initiate, since it is not as tangible as the other
methods. Whether or not this starts from the top or bottom of the institution, it’s not clear. The best way, arguably, is to initiate the last two methods, and other measures, such as workshops, or information for first years etc. After all of this, as bad as cheating is, what would be better is to actually remove the sources of cheating, and to understand its root cause.
Only a small percentage of students cheat because they are dishonest. Most who cheat face other pressures: the pressure to succeed, the pressure of running out of time, the pressure of not having the prerequisite skills for tackling a university program, the pressure of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on university only to potentially fail, pressure from parents,
pressure from peers, pressure from professors, and many others. This is why students cheat, and honestly I can truly sympathize. At points this year, I’ve had so much to do, with school and work, sometimes more work magically appears, I haven’t slept a wink in days, and the thought just pops into my mind. I quickly suppress it, but it gave me new insight. Our fellow students cheat because they don’t know what else to do, and it is a function of the stressed brain to attempt. This kind of stress is not normal. So, dear student, if you have thought about cheating, or have cheated, just remember that there are other options. Take fewer classes, prioritize, sleep, explain your difficulties to your prof, talk to your friends, start working harder at things (if you already don’t) and after all that, realize that things are going to be okay.
michael chmielewski editor-in-chief
Philosophy matters A peculiar thought to contemplate is that of multiverse theory. The theory states that there are an infinite amount of universes all co-existing at the exact same time in a larger multiverse. This is true to the extent that every single possible combination of events and subsequent effects has existed, will exist, or do exist. This means that every imaginable chain of decisions and subsequent events exists somehow in our universe – even if not at the present time. Your girlfriend is dating literally everyone but is dating you in different universes throughout the
multiverse. This theory also holds that there are portals – from one universe to another – that act as a superhighway between universes across the vast multiverse. This means that within every one of these portals there are potentially hundreds upon billions of galaxies. That’s galaxies! Not solar systems. You more likely know these portals as black holes. The implications that further scientific backing of this theory would be tremendous. For one thing, it is possible that major organized religions
would see a drastic decline in religious observance as the scale of the universe is held to be much larger than the perception of it taught through those groups. It is also possible that such a shocking revelation could bring about a resurgence in worldwide religious observance, whether it be organized religion or not. Regardless, it is a safe assumption that common people would come together as they are enlightened in the respect that they better understand their insignificance in the grand scheme of existence. This humbling realization may even
spur on a bout of humanist nationalism wherein borders such as race, ethnicity, age, gender, socio-economic and intellectual class are torn down in favor of the flowering of this universe’s human race. Furthermore, there is a plethora of ramifications that multiverse theory would hold on morality and everyday decision-making. If every decision we make in our universe exists somewhere else in the multiverse, then our decisions as they pertain to ethics and all other events are not actually decisions in the usual sense of the word. This is evidenced by the fact that we would not be making decisions about which actions and consequences will happen; instead, we would only be deciding which actions and consequences we will experience. Every single possible action and consequence is playing out somewhere in the fabric of the multiverse. Therefore, the decision cannot be about what will happen - everything is already happening at some point in time - the decision is only about what particular universe we choose to experience. This rings true for all decisions and subsequent events in the multiverse. There is also something to be said about multiverse theory and the realm of human
consciousness. For if every decision’s subsequent events already exist somewhere in the multiverse, then it is not so much the decision and its subsequent events being displayed to the mind of the observer through the observer’s actions, but rather it is the mind of the observer that is brought to the decision and subsequent events taking place in another universe. The mind doesn’t dictate reality through decision-making; it simply dictates which path through reality it will experience through decision making. To clarify, I use mind and consciousness interchangeably as I reason that consciousness is an essential feature of mind. You cannot have mind without consciousness, you can only have brain matter. Think about this for the next couple of days and tell me that philosophy doesn’t matter.
dan sherven contributor
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Capitalism and friendship Today, everything has a price tag attached to it. Food, shelter, even water comes at a cost. Therefore, it shouldn’t come as a surprise when I add friendship to that list. I can remember those campfire tales where the moral of the story was one that portrayed friendship as mutual affection and regard between two or more folk. In today’s capitalistic society, we can have friendship custom ordered to suit our personal needs. As a result, friendship has evolved into an abstract concept. A simple search to find a literal meaning of the word friend renders many results. A person who is an ally; a sympathizer; a patron or supporter of a cause; a romantic or sexual partner, and a regular contributor of money or other assistance to an institution are some of the definitions one can find in a dictionary. It now seems that modern society has used friendship as a canvas stretched across the framework of its selfish desires upon which a collage of greed decorates our daily lives. In a world where the masses pursue financial freedom we are now so caught up in looking for the wolf in sheep’s clothing rather than finding the sheep amongst
the wolves. We are subliminally made to assume that if someone does a good deed they are looking for something in return and, as result, we submit to this notion. It all seems fine when we are buying the odd coffee every now and then, but the question of friendship often arises when we find ourselves buying that extra coffee one too many times. Of course, we would all agree we shouldn’t let others abuse our acts of kindness, but
what if that is just the problem? We are so accustomed to the reciprocal routine of giving and receiving, that when we consecutively give more than once, we instinctively question the terms of our friendship. What initially appears to be an innocuous thought eventually fractures our ill-conceived notions of friendship. I find it difficult to look at friendship as something honest and sincere, as it’s seemingly
MH370 Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak has confirmed that the missing Malaysian Airlines plane, MH370, went down in the southern Indian Ocean, citing a new analysis of satellite data by a British satellite company and accident investigators. According to CNN, Najib Razak’s statement comes after Malaysian Airlines sent a text message to all the relatives saying they “deeply regret that we have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those onboard survived.” As an international student from Malaysia, I am deeply saddened by this news and I believe this uneventful tragedy will prove to be an unforgettable dark episode in Malaysian history. We still do not know what happened. In the aftermath of this missing plane, the Australian authorities who have joined the search for the missing plane have identified debris and a grey/green circular object in the southern Indian Ocean but have yet to confirm whether the object is a part of the crashed plane. Until we find the black box whatever happened is still very much open to speculation. However, from this latest news, the CNN’s aviation analyst Miles O’ Brien has said that the new details about the flight changes everything and that they “have no evidence the crew did anything wrong…and, in fact, now we should be operating with the primary assumption that something bad happened to that plane shortly after they said goodnight.” I am glad that this new information based on the satellite signals has put to rest conspiracy theories that have been gaining some notoriety regarding the political affiliation of Captain Zaharie
tainted by money and greed. My co-workers, beer buddies, and teammates are all my friends according to the aforementioned definition, but does it sound like they are true friends, considering the fact that we only associate to claim a pay cheque or consume alcohol, which someone else bought. I have been blinded by these materialistic markers, which I use to identify friends so much so when an actually true friend crosses my
path I’m unable to see this. I believe friendship should be solely defined by a mutual affection and regard for another’s well being, without the intent of any benefit. Therefore, without materialistic gain or profit, it’s understandable why many others and myself fail to cherish sincere opportunities of friendship when they arise.
arthur ward technical editor
Don’t tase me bro! Ahmad Shah (the pilot of MH370), who was a strong supporter of the opposition party and that he might have been emotionally distressed right after the Opposition leader, Anwar Ibrahim, was sentenced to five years in jail on highly skeptical trumped up sodomy charges. There is a definite trace of foul play, as the sentence coincided with Anwar Ibrahim’s decision to run for a by-election in the state of Selangor. Whereby if he won the election, he would also be the Chief Minister (equivalent to Premier/Governor) of that state. It’s no secret that even I was beginning to believe these conspiracy theories, for Malaysian politics is extremely nasty. I worked in the Malaysian media prior to my arrival in Canada and I have witnessed many Machiavellian characters in the Malaysian political scene that would make even Frank Underwood fall into a fetal position. Furthermore, this political bickering and dirty politics by the ruling coalition party has angered many Malaysians and it could have influenced the pilot to make a political statement. I am delighted now that these are simply just rumors peddled by the British tabloid, the Daily Mail.
ravinesh sakaran contributor
On March 14, the Regina Police Service reinstated the use of conducted energy weapons (CEWs) for their officers. The Tasers have already returned to their belts, as a Regina officer used one to make an arrest on March 22. In 2008, these weapons were decommissioned due to an extraordinary number of high profile deaths across Canada, including the infamous Robert Dziekański Taser Incident in 2007, where a Polish immigrant was tasered five times by RCMP and subsequently died from his injuries sustained. Dziekański’s death, along with other Taser incidences, sparked a nationwide reaction, leading Amnesty International to demand that Taser use in Canada come to an end. In order to provide perspective on the reinstatement of CEWs, Police Chief Troy Hagen says, “If we can have more tools that are available to use less-thanlethal opportunities to fulfill our duties, then that’s where we want to be.” And, really, this makes sense. If a Taser can be used as a means to subdue someone who poses a threat, it may mean one less bullet fired from a handgun. I’m alright with that. What I am concerned about, however, is the danger that Tasers may once again fall into default usage as an easy way out to deal with a situation. If it becomes the easy way out again, we may see Taser-related deaths spike once more. Of course, to combat this notion, the reinstatement of CEWs does come with a bit of fine print. Only anyone who poses a threat of causing bodily harm to themselves, to officers, or the public may be tasered. Technology for CEWs has also underwent a massive reworking as well, including an onboard computer tracking information such as date and
time it was discharged, the duration of which it was used, and how many times it was used. Before 2008, I remember going to an RCMP open house in Regina and have seen willing people tasered for a shared laugh and spectators clapping their asses off. It was something done in good fun. Of course, this was before any of the new rules came into practice, but the light-hearted attitude towards a potentially lethal device proved to be perplexing to me. While I am in absolutely no position to speculate whether or not the use of a Taser in a situation is justified, I would like to appeal to Regina Police Service to be mindful of the old habits that gripped police nationwide back in 2008. It only took eight days after the lift for officers to start using Tasers again in their operations. It may be just another tool in the belt to fight crime but any tool, with enough effort, can be used as a weapon for lethal means.
farron ager op-ed editor
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Toronto’s politics Being a politics junkie, I always find time to follow the Toronto political scene. I am addicted to watching Rob Ford’s antics like – well, you know. But in all seriousness, I do hope that Toronto will vote Ford out of office this Oct. 27. And there certainly seems to be a lot of competition coming. As of writing this piece, up to 10 contenders have registered for the race. Aside from Mayor Ford, they range from respected businessman and conservative politician John Tory to veteran NDP politician Olivia Chow to a dominatrix named Carlie Ritch. Current polls suggest that either Chow or Tory have the best chance to unseat Ford. And yet, I feel that nothing will fundamentally change in Toronto in terms of enacted policies. To understand Rob Ford, you have to understand that Toronto is a divided city. What is now Toronto used to be six different cities until Premier Mike Harris merged them all in 1998. One of those former cities, Etobicoke, is where Rob Ford and his family have their power base. In her book, Crazy Town: The Rob Ford Story, Robyn Doolittle remarks that those suburban cities had, and
still have, a more conservative culture than the old City of Toronto. In the first election after the amalgamation, Barbara Hall, described as a “theatre-loving former lawyer and New Democrat,” was defeated by Mel Lastman, a millionaire based in the suburb of North York who
advocated for tax freezes. And while the new city elected David Miller, a downtown-based leftwing mayor, in 2003, he quickly lost popular support when he conceded to union demands for high wages during a garbage collector strike; that was what gave Rob Ford an opening. To
be sure, Ford’s conservatism isn’t as popular as it once was. But the conservative agenda in general- lowering taxes and cutting spending- still retains a degree of popularity. Therefore, expect the left-winger, Olivia Chow, to go out of her way to build a ‘sober’ fiscal reputation. And expect Rob Ford’s criticisms of her to be taken seriously by Chow and the media, even though he himself has raised Toronto’s debt levels and increased spending. This Toronto election could be a showcase for the continued impotence of the modern left in articulating an alternate vision for government and society where taxes aren’t a burden and government is a force for good. I have read many Internet comments on Ford stories, and the pro-Ford comments scare me. Essentially, they boil down to “so what if he did crack: he’s more honest than those lefty politicians.” This speaks to the failure of left-wing politicians so far, that they cannot inspire people to dump an obviously flawed mayor as long as he promises low taxes. You might think I base too much on the ideas found in Internet comments. However, in recent history, it
has been a trend that left-wing parties try to act in a right-wing manner in order to appear fiscally responsible. Just recently, the Toronto Star reported that Ontario Liberal Premier Kathleen Wynne backed down on a plan to raise taxes on the middle-class to fund transit in the Greater Toronto Area. Sixty years ago, you had right-wing parties pledging to keep taxes on upper-income brackets at 92%. Ford’s victory is the logical extension of the low taxes mantra of the eighties, and so far, no left-wing politician has challenged it. Therefore, I predict that while the style of Toronto politics might get toned down, the substance will largely remain the same.
it clear that he does not value human life. He is guilty of using chemical weapons on the Syrian population and carrying out crimes against humanity, and yet no one seems to be inclined to intervene. Had the global community taken this approach to the Great Wars, I do not believe we could argue that war is beneficial. Additionally, on the note of society being success driven – Bashar has shown that he values continuing as the leader of Syria to be more important than the peoples trust in him and the very prosperity and existence of his country and fellow countrymen. In the case of Syria, we see how the human desire for success is the biggest threat to
civilization. The human race has surpassed the era of noble wars. Now, the only take away from war is broken societies, lack of trust in the government, displaced population and continued conflict. Although Hitchens argument of wars being necessary for societal change, the revolutions and wars of yesterday no longer exist. Instead, wars are now fought for success and self-interest. Therefore, the argument of war being necessary for light is no longer applicable.
taras matkovsky contributor
Only in a utopia The construction of a Utopian society where all man is equal has been harbored by dreamers and communists alike for generations, but is Utopia at all attainable? Although a world free of wars, where each and every individual has access to the same opportunities sounds pleasant, is it possible? In Letters to a Young Contrarian, Christopher Hitchens argues that man does not strive for perfect society, because perfection within a society prevents development and growth. His argument compares conflict to heat and the truth to light. As physics explains, heat is the greatest light source. Using that logic, is it possible to reach enlightenment without conflict? In historical terms, it is near impossible to argue whether conflict is beneficial for societies but it can be said that without conflict, civilizations would remain stagnant, or at least would not have a catalyst for change. The Great War was meant to be the war that ended all wars. This in itself is Utopian thinking; to believe that one major conflict would rid the world and individual societies of all its troubles. Perhaps the greatest lesson that war teaches to societies is the power of conflict. If war teaches anything to humankind, it teaches both sides the power of war. Perhaps this is the reason that world peace and Utopian societies free of war are unattainable; as humans we desire power and
struggle to achieve it in all aspects of our lives. Take for example, the prestige and respect associated with those in high-ranking careers. They are revered in society, more than someone with a more “average” job would be. Those with high grades in their post-secondary education and seen as intelligent and pushed into fields where they will earn large salaries and be in authoritative ranks. When an intelligent person chooses to not follow the wave, and fall into the trap of societal pressure they are seen as settling, not being ambitious enough and as failing. Often times, happiness is replaced by the need to be powerful and successful. This
can be understood on a grander scale by comparing the importance of success to revolutions. From a human justice perspective, is the outcome of war worth the cost of war? A child in Syria right now would hardly agree. In order to see war as beneficial, the situation in itself must be dehumanized. As an academic and as an optimist, one could argue that the conflict in Syria is necessary to over throw the current regime. But, is the rest of the world enabling the Revolutionist in Syria to reach that level of success or are countries like Russia that are flying in weapons to Assad prolonging the war and hindering peace? Bashar Al-Assad has made
eman bare news writer
the funny section
the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
Shit the Carillon Says Midnight Essay the staff, for better or for worse
You ever see that television show where you basically put a bunch of terrible people in a room together and watch stuff go awry as they try to work? I can’t remember, was that Archer or The Thick of It? Wait, I’ve got it. It was Big Brother. Maybe? Bah, either way, their experiences are nothing like the Carillon’s on production night. They’re much better. But nevertheless, we’ve gathered another set of delightful witticisms for your pleasure. We hope you enjoy another edition of Shit the Carillon Says and, remember, if you can’t pick an answer to a multiple choice test, write your own. Staff Member #1: Jager makes me a horrible person. Staff Member #2: Jager makes everyone a horrible person. Staff Member #3: Jager is what makes Germans so angry. Probably can’t say ‘hard on’, eh? Staff Member #1: Did I ever tell you my boyfriend got kicked out of a Chapters because he shelved the Bible into Fiction? Staff Member #2: I ruined a date that way once. I never swore until I started working here. Staff Member #1: I thought the hate feature was in the last issue.
Staff Member #2: This is the last issue!
Create some fucking paradigm-shifting editing strategies. Staff Member #1: Come on everybody; clap along! Staff Member #2: Don’t tell me what to do. Staff Member #1: Y’all just a bunch of doornails. Why is our technical guy singing ‘I love ham’ to ‘I feel good?’ Staff Member #1: You don’t like Dragonforce? Staff Member #2: As a joke, I like Dragonforce. I’ve got a BFA: a Bachelor of Fuck All. Staff Member #1: What should I write on the bottom of this water bottle for the picture on academic misconduct? Staff Member #2: The answer is C. Staff Member #1: Is it really though? Staff Member #2: How dare you question me and my ability to comprehend the alphabet! I don’t think, I just ask questions. Staff Member #1: There’s weird YouTube and then there’s 1:00 AM YouTube where you watch videos of a small British girl listing the squishiness of her toys. Staff Member #2: Shhhhhh,, we’re watching Train Simulator dubstep now.
Sung to the tune of Stan Roger’s “Northwest Passage” farron ager of the academy
An excerpt from Drinking Songs of the Academy CHORUS: Ah, just one more time, I will write the Midnight Essay To get a grade for Pre-Med, failing that, Geography; Tracing one misquote from a page I found yesterday To write a Midnight Essay for a C. Homeward from the O’Hanlons ‘tis there ‘twas said to lie The rubric from the professor from which so many cried; Seeking grades and glory, leaving weathered, broken tales And a long-remembered lonely chain of fails.
I think upon my classmates, professors too, and the rest , Who wrote the Midnight Essay and did show a path for me To race the ticking due date for a C. CHORUS How then am I so different from the first folk through this way? Like them, I left a prepared life. I threw it all away. And wrote a Midnight Essay at the call of many beers To place average amongst my many peers CHORUS
CHORUS Three weekends thereafter, I take passage behind books In the footsteps of brave Timmons, where her “school of business” has nooks ; Watching classes start before me, then behind me end again This tardiest undergrad, drowning down a filthy drain.
the carillon: funnier than your face since 1962. we would also like to take this opportunity to thank all of the contributors who made the humour section even halfway worth reading.
CHORUS And through the night, behind the desk, trying hard to do my best
Gormley is love*
Truly his magnificence shines upon all of us farron ager op-ed editor
It came to the attention of the Carillon that John Gormley, award-winning glorious supreme leader of radio and allaround handsome chap, was met with fierce protestors when he came to the university to give a talk on his new book I’m Right and You Know It. After a truly harrowing experience at the hands of three assailants, Mr. Gormley successfully subdued the ringleader of this insidious crew and continued to present his truly glorious piece of witticism completely unfazed. Early into the presentation, Gormley was approached by a “burly man” and “two middle-aged women.” The intruders banged Aboriginal dance drums and presented the seem-
ingly perplexed Gormley with a rubber snake, no doubt poisonous, as a gesture of unfathomable ill-will. Gormley, in fact undeterred by the balaclava-clad and feathered man, continued with his truly inspiring story much to the terrible man’s chagrin. Yet, it was not long before the man became entranced by the magic that is Gormley. The leader of the group stood in admiration of Gormley’s forked tongue and continued to compliment it repeatedly during his discussion with the highest incarnation of radio. In his definitely worthwhile article entitled “Free Speech at the U of R Troubling” in the prestigious Leader-Post, Gormley recounts the event, saying, “Then, as he menacingly banged his drum with a gloved hand close to my
face and deliberately swung the drumstick past my eyes, I realized that this wasn’t about debate - it was a calculated attempt to frighten me away and prevent me from speaking at all.” Assuming a battle stance passed down the Gormley lineage for countless generations, our glorious spirit of the radio prepared to meet his attacker with force should the man be foolish enough to dare strike. Gormley imparts his wisdom to his readership, saying, “So I angle slightly sideways to give him less to hit and put myself in a better position in case I have to deflect the blow, pivot a knee into his groin and then counterpunch to take him down.” Thankfully the will of Gormley prevented such a terrible happenstance to occur. Mr.
Gormley continued to taser the assailant with his legendary wit no less than three more times for good measure before security arrived to escort the posse off of campus. Our beloved institution has since formally apologized to Gormley for the actions of the burly man and two middle-aged women which, of course, is the only proper response one can take. Since the incident, our beloved master of the airwaves has reminded his readership of the university’s past misgivings. We mustn’t forget that the university has fallen prey to ne’er do-wells in the past, particularly the Commie Mutant Traitors forty years ago, who brandished baseball bats while interrupting a lecture. We must not question why the Gormley has spared the uni-
versity from utter annihilation but rather accept it and, in fact, celebrate it, as it is surely a gesture of his infinite mercy. Even though the lack of free speech on campus has troubled our ever-victorious lion, he still sees a possibility for good in the institution and has provided us an opportunity to better ourselves in the hopes of ushering forth a new generation of intellectuals capable of respecting the free speech of Gormley. If there is one thing that we should all take away from this experience, it is that Gormley is right. Gormley is good and we should all follow his example and work to be more like him. May Gormley smile on you this day and for all days you find yourself in his presence. *Obviously a work of satire
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Editor: Emily Wright email@example.com the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
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the carillon | March 27 - May 14, 2014
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Published on Mar 28, 2014