Page 1



Get the details on the new health th care bill. See page 3.



For a special April Fools’ Fo Day columns, see colum page 4.

Fi out what Find it ta takes to be a true gentleman lady, see page or lad 10.





Award-winning author tabbed for commencement speech Doris Kearns Goodwin is one of America’s best historians; will deliver important message to graduates, Boren says DIONNE BUXTON Daily Staff Writer


Pulitzer Prize-winning historian Doris Kearns Goodwin will be the 2010 commencement speaker during OU’s graduation ceremony.

Pulitzer Prize-winning author and presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin will deliver the keynote address at the OU commencement ceremony, university officials announced Monday. Goodwin’s most recent book, “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln,” was released October 2005 and reached No. 1 on The New York Times Bestseller List. Goodwin said by e-mail that she is honored to have been chosen as the commencement speaker. “I’ve been to the university to lecture

several times in the past years and know firsthand what a wonderful place it is,” she said. OU President David Boren said Goodwin is one of the nation’s leading historians and has taught important lessons that will help the nation meet its current challenges. “She will have an important message for our graduates,” Boren said in a press release. Goodwin also is a fan of baseball and is known for being the first journalist to enter the Boston Red Sox locker room. Her love of baseball inspired her to write the book “Wait Till Next Year: A Memoir,” which focuses on her love of the sport and her love for her father. Sasha Orjiako, mathematics senior, said she is looking forward to hearing encouraging and uplifting words from Goodwin. “Since she has written many books on controversial issues, the speech should be very interesting,” Orjiako said. UOSA President Katie Fox said she became a fan of Goodwin after watching her

appearance on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” “She is an extremely entertaining and insightful Pulitzer Prize-winning author,” Fox said in the release. “I am excited to have her as our commencement speaker since she can place the situation facing our graduates in a historical perspective in what I am sure will be an uplifting speech.” Goodwin earned her bachelor’s degree magna cum laude from Colby College and her doctorate in government from Harvard University. After her time at Harvard, she served as an assistant to Lyndon Baines Johnson in his last year in office. Goodwin will receive an honorary degree for her contributions to society through her chronicling of U.S. presidents, according to the release. Commencement is scheduled for 7 p.m. May 14, in the Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, 180 W. Brooks St.



Newly elected UOSA President Ally Glavas celebrates her victory Wednesday night at O’Connell’s Bar and Grill. Glavas and her running mate, Zac McCullock, will be sworn in a ceremony later this month.

At 9:59 p.m., an hour after online voting ended, cheers erupted in O’Connell’s Irish Pub & Grill as the UOSA election chair entered and announced Ally Glavas the winner of the presidential election. Amid dozens of supporters and fellow UOSA representatives, President-elect Glavas and Vice President-elect Zac McCullock celebrated their victory at the bar on Campus Corner. Jeff Riles, UOSA election chairman, said Glavas and McCullock had approximately 300 more votes than Franz Zenteno and Cory Lloyd, the runner-ups. Glavas said the victory made her feel euphoric. “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so glad that all our hard work paid off,” Glavas said. She said as soon as the transition into office was complete, she would set to accomplishing the promises she made in the campaign. Virginia Duke, film and video studies junior, made Glavas’s campaign videos and was friends with Glavas before she began her campaign “I’m so happy for Ally because she has worked so hard and really deserves this,” Duke said. McCullock said he and Glavas had been working on the campaign since October and the victory felt great. “I can’t wait to get into office and make sure that things get done,” he said Nick Harrison said he was upset he found out about his loss by the fact that an Oklahoma Daily photographer left his campaign gathering 15 minutes before he received a call from the Jeff Riles. He said he would support the new president. “I wish them the best of luck,” Harrison said. “I’m looking forward to working with them and I’ll be there to support them in whatever capacity they want me to.” Eddy said Riles promised in an election board meeting to call the candidates before announcing the election results. Jess Eddy had still not heard from Riles as of 10:45 p.m. He was disappointed by the results, which he found out about when contacted by The Daily, but said that all of the candidates ran a good campaign. Zenteno was not able to be reached for comment after the election results. For more election results, visit

Presidential campaigns fined for violations Rules prevent candidates from placing campaign materials within 50 feet of polling locations, inside academic buildings KATHLEEN EVANS Daily Staff Writer

All the UOSA presidential campaigns have violated UOSA campaign codes and have received fines for the misconduct. The UOSA code outlines specific election and campaigning rules to protect the rights of voters and to maintain a balanced playing field. The code states that candidates cannot campaign or display materials within 50 feet of a polling location or


campus computer lab during election days. Fines are $20 and are charged to the students’ bursar account. The fine is applied for each day the candidate continues to break the rules, said Jeff Riles, election chair and law student. We d n e s d ay m o r n i n g , presidential candidate Franz Zenteno was campaigning on the South Oval, within 50 feet of Dale Hall, a polling location. The UOSA election board said it asked Zenteno to move. “We go out every day and look to make sure people are following the rules,” Riles said. “You will see people in golf carts moving them back. If they don’t move or continue to break rules, they will be fined.” Riles said the board keeps

a log of everything it sees and every rule infraction. At the end of elections, it reviews the cases and decides whether the elections were fair. “It’s really hard to say when it becomes unfair,” Riles said. “If he is in front of the polls influencing voters, not only is he putting himself at an advantage but he is also infringing on the rights of voters.” Zenteno’s campaign also put campaign fliers at Campus Lodge apartment buildings Tuesday. The UOSA code states that all material in private places must have written consent of the owner. However, an emRICKY MARANON/THE DAILY ployee at Campus Lodge said the complex did not speak to UOSA and CAC campaign signs line the South Oval. Some campaigns have violated election rules with improper sign placement, chalking violations and placing posters in anyone about these fliers. CAMPAIGNS CONTINUES ON PAGE 2

unauthorized areas. All four campaign face possible fines.


VOL. 95, NO. 125

2 Thursday, April 1, 2010 Caitlin Harrison, managing editor • phone: 325-3666 • fax: 325-6051


VALERIE HALL ELECTED CAC CHAIRWOMAN Inauguration ceremony to be held late April AUDREY HARRIS Daily Staff Writer

Valerie Hall was elected Campus Activities Council chair woman Wednesday night. Hall, public relations junior, beat out Shane Pruitt for the position. Hall will meet with the current CAC Chairman Kely Van Eaton to discuss her responsibilities for the remainder of the semester and the summer. She said she will attend an inauguration ceremony sometime at the end of April. Hall said her most important objective is reaching out to other student organizations that are less involved with CAC. “I really want to make sure that we reach out to other student organizations that aren’t as involved with CAC, and get them to co-program with us. This will help make the OU community stronger.” Hall said. Hall said she also hopes to increase

attendance at CAC events and make students more aware of the events going on. She said she would like to bring back an old tradition called CAC Week, a week of free activities and food hosted by CAC and other campus organizations. Kaleigh Kaczmarek, Management Information Systems junior, was Hall’s campaign manager and said Hall made her job easy. “I really didn’t have that much to do. She was really prepared and really calm, Kaczmarek said. “This is something she’s wanted for a really long time.” MARCIN RUTKOWSKI / THE DAIY Kaczmarek said she thinks the Valerie Hall, public relations junior, 2010strengths in Hall’s campaign will 2011 CAC Chairwoman-elect, celebrates her help her to be successful next year. victory in the UOSA Spring 2010 Election. “Valerie has an incredible knack Once she takes office, Hall will serve as CAC for thinking through all the details chairwoman next school year. and trying to figure out everything. She’s great at all types of programnetworking.” ming and publicity, and I think that’s “I’m just excited because I know why she’ll do good,” Kaczmarek said. she’s got some great objectives. She Emily Semands, energy manage- can do the best job in this position, ment and finance junior, is Hall’s because I know she has such a passion roommate and said she helped for it,” Semands said. Hall campaign with “major social

All ballot amendments fail; fee poll passes RICKY MARANON Assignment Editor

All four proposed constitutional amendments failed at the polls Tuesday and Wednesday. The only ballot item that passed was a poll asking students if they would be willing to pay a $2-per-semester fee to provide scholarships to undergraduate students who would like to study abroad but face financial difficulties. PROPOSITION 1 “Uncontested Elections Amendment” This amendment would require UOSA officials who run uncontested to automatically run again in the next general election. • No (2229) 56.8 percent • Yes (1250) 31.9 percent • I choose not to vote (444) 11.3 percent PROPOSITION 2 “Student Organization Empowerment Amendment” This amendment would create a fifth branch of UOSA, a Student Organization Branch, and would alter the voting method to accommodate this branch. • No (2395) 63.3 percent • Yes (975) 25.8 percent • I choose not to vote (413) 10.9 percent PROPOSITION 3 “Voter Rights Amendment” This amendment includes the

following proposals: • Uncontested UOSA officials would be placed on the ballot with the language, “Shall [candidate’s name] be elected as [representative/office position]?” • Guarantee that students reserve the right to enact or reject legislation at the polls. • Restrict many joint resolutions from taking effect for 90 days of passage. • Make academic standing the only requirement for holding a UOSA office, and restrict UOSA from imposing any other qualifications. • Guarantee that UOSA does not impose restrictions on students’ right to free expression. • UOSA president and vice president run on separate tickets. • Replace the current presidential run-off system with an automatic runoff system. • Make OU’s representative to the Student Advisory Board an elected position. • Allow students to propose legislation to UOSA with a petition signed by 8 percent of voters in the last election. • Allow students to bring legislation to a campus-wide vote with a petition signed by 5 percent of votes cast in the last election. • Allow students from any district to call an early election with a petition signed by 12 percent of the number of students in that district who voted in the last election.

• Place restrictions on the UOSA legislative branch from amending the constitution to effect the process for initiatives, referendums and early elections. • Require that UOSA elections be reasonably publicized three weeks in advance. • No (2175) 60.3 percent • Yes (879) 24.4 percent • I choose not to vote (553) 15.3 percent PROPOSITION 4 “True Democracy Amendment of 2010” This amendment would increase the number of signatures required for recall petitions and petitions to place an amendment on the UOSA ballot from 25 percent of those voting in the last election to 10 percent of all eligible voters. This amendment also would require petitions to amend the UOSA constitution to have at least 1,000 signatures. • No (1999) 57.6 percent • Yes (914) 26.3 percent • I choose not to vote (560) 16.1 percent PROPOSITION 5 “Poll for possible fee” This proposition is a poll that will ask students if they would consider consenting to a proposed $2 per semester study abroad fee. • Yes (1679) 46.7 percent • No (1663) 46.2 percent • I choose not to vote (256) 7.1 percent

Campaigns Continues from page 1 “We don’t give permission for that,” said Kelly Morwood, a Campus Lodge employee. “There is only one flier allowed at Campus Lodge, so a student must have put that up on his own.” Zenteno’s running mate Cory Lloyd, advertising senior, said he knows leaving materials at apartment complexes is against the rules and does not know who hung them up there. “This shouldn’t reflect negatively,” Lloyd said. “Campaigning goes beyond Franz and I. It’s not a direct reflection of who we are.” Zenteno, international and area studies and French senior, and Lloyd were fined for display of campaign materials within an academic building. The board also fined Ally Glavas and Zac McCullock, presidential and vice presidential candidates, for the same infraction. “We have a lot of volunteers working for us,” said McCullock, international business and entrepreneurship sophomore. “They were told about the rules, but unfortunately you can’t have eyes everywhere. They put them inside some buildings with double doors and thought it would be OK.” McCullock said he and Glavas, political science sophomore, removed the signs as soon as they knew about it. However, signs were still present Wednesday evening inside the Physical Sciences Center. Also, the board fined Glavas and McCullock’s campaign earlier in the year for sending e-mails to student organization presidents with campaign information. McCullock said after learning they were outside the rules, they changed their format and made sure not to do so again. “Ally and I went through the day before elections and made sure all our signs were 50 feet away, and we have made careful notes about all our finances,” McCullock said. “We are making sure we don’t go anywhere over the $2,000 limit, even if you can go 15 percent over.” The Election Board has fined presidential candidate Nicholas Harrison for placing signs within 50 feet of the OU College of Law every day since Sunday, Riles said. Harrison said the law school fine surprises him because he e-mailed Dean Coates asking where signs could go before placing them. Harrison said he does not know about the fines and has not seen e-mails from the election board about them. Presidential candidate Jess Eddy, religious studies and political science sophomore, and his running mate Jay Kumar, University College freshman, received fines for chalking outside the Oklahoma Memorial Union where they were not assigned, Riles said. The election board designate specific chalking locations, which Eddy and Kumar did not follow. Eddy and Kumar signs also were seen on at least three benches along the South Oval, although Riles did not mention them. To make sure candidates are aware of the rules, the election board specifically hosts a training session about how and where to campaign, Riles said. “Oh, gosh, yes, they should know better,” Riles said. “Absolutely. They know way better. It’s irresponsible.”

OUR COMMITMENT TO ACCURACY In a page 8 article about and art exhibit in Wednesday’s issue of The Daily, Kathryn Jenson White was referred to as White upon second reference. She should have been referred to as Jenson White.

Thursday, April 1, 2010



President Barack Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act on March 23. The bill passed the senate on Dec. 24 and passed the House of Representatives March 21. The following is a break down of the act. All information was pulled directly from H.B. 3950

OKLAHOMA FESTIVAL BALLET The University of Oklahoma School of Dance, and the University Theatre will present “Oklahoma Festival Ballet” at 8 p.m. in the Rupel J. Jones Theatre. PUBLIC POLICY LECTURE Edwin O. Stene Distinguished Professor of Public Administration H. George Frederickson will talk about “Reaching for AccountAbility” at the 12th Annual Bellmon Lecture in Public Policy at 3 p.m. in McCarter Hall’s executive classroom. WOMEN IN MEDIA

*Editor’s Note: Cost and debt reduction estimates are based upon figures by the Congressional Budget Office and the Joint Committee on Taxation.

20 %

Cost & Savings Health Care 2010

• Allows adult children to remain on their parents insurance through the age of 26, as long as the child is not married. A group health plan and a health insurance issuer offering group or individual health insurance coverage that provides dependent coverage of children shall continue to make such coverage available for an adult child (who is not married) until the child turns 26 years of age. The provision goes into effect this year. • Prohibits insurance companies from denying coverage to individuals with pre-existing conditions. A group health plan and a health insurance issuer offering group or individual health insurance coverage may not impose any pre-existing condition exclusion with respect to such plan or coverage. The provision goes into effect Jan. 1, 2014. • Creates a high risk pool for those individuals with pre-existing conditions to obtain health care until Jan. 1, 2014, when all insurers cannot deny coverage. No later than 90 days after the date of enactment of this act, the Secretary shall establish a temporary high-risk health


Small Business tax credits: 35 percent this year, 50 percent by 2014




insurance pool program to provide health insurance coverage for eligible individuals during the period beginning on the date on which such program is established and ending Jan. 1, 2014. The provision goes into effect this year. • Health insurance issuers must accept every employer or individual that applies for coverage. Subject to subsections (b) through (e), each health insurance issuer that offers health ins u ra n c e c overage in the individual or group market in a state must accept every employer and individual in the state that applies for such coverage. This provision goes into affect Jan. 1, 2014. • A Web site will be created where individuals can go to look up coverage information. No later than July 1, 2010, the Secretary, in consultation with the state shall establish a mechanism, including an Internet Web site, through which a resident of any state may identify affordable health insurance coverage options in that state. The provision goes into effect July 1, 2010.

• 32 million: the number of non-elderly people who would now be added to health coverage as projected by the CBO and JCT • 23 million: the number of non-elderly people remaining uninsured, and a third of that is unauthorized immigrants • Number of insured would rise from 83 percent to 94 percent • Approximately 24 million people would purchase insurance and 16 million would be added to Medicaid or the Children’s Health Program.

Gallup Poll: Reaction to Passing Health Care Bill March 22, 2010

50 % 40 %

49% 40%

30 %

10 %


THE NUMBERS: Projected Cost: $940 billion Projected Debt Reduction: $143 billion over 2010-2019


Favor Health Care Bill

Oppose Health Care Bill

No Opinion

POLICE REPORTS LEADERSHIP LECTURE Veteran radio journalist Paddi Clay will talk about “Media Leadership in an Emerging Democracy: Challenges and Opportunities for Women in South Africa” at 7:30 p.m. in the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication’s auditorium.

FRIDAY EVE OF NATIONS The 40th Annual Eve of Nations will take place at 7 p.m. in Lloyd Noble Center. Tickets are on sale in the Union Courtyard. $5 in advance, $7 at the door and $15 including dinner.

The following is a list of arrests and citations, not convictions. The information given is compiled from the Norman and OU Police Departments. At times, the Cleveland County Sheriff’s Department and the Oklahoma City FBI will contribute to these reports. All those listed are innocent until proven guilty. ELUDING A POLICE OFFICER Ryan Rojelio Cordell, 38, 1800 W. Robinson St., Tuesday, also attempt to elude a police officer, no insurance, driving with a suspended license, speeding and running a roadblock POSSESSION OF ALCOHOL Alec Lee Stand, 18, 1000 N. Interstate Drive, Sunday PUBLIC INTOXICATION Christopher Sean Dailey, 33, Flood Avenue, Tuesday Lynda Ellen Snake, 51, 601 NE. 12th Ave., Monday

DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE Shelly Renea Draughn, 47, Classen Boulevard, Tuesday, also possession of controlled dangerous substances POSSESSION OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA Joseph Michael Smith, 52, Southeast 12th Avenue, Monday MUNICIPAL WARRANT Steward Lynn Fontenot, 40, 201 W. Gray St., Tuesday COUNTY WARRANT Vincent Andrew Evans, 40, 212 E. Hughbert St., Tuesday, also interference with an official process


Thursday, April 1, 2010


Max Avery, opinion editor • phone: 325-7630 • fax: 325-6051

In response to Tuesday column on Housing and food not letting students use their own furniture.

This is news...?” - TheJR

“Looking forward to tomorrow’s article about whether or not the soup at Couch Express is too hot or too cold - the anticipation is killing me. - TheJR

“When the paper is only 2 pages long you have to fill the front page with something.” - WalkingMan



Tuition hikes will better this university OU students are missing the experiences college life is supposed to bring. We have thousands of undergraduates appearing at our doors every year. People who attend this institution and can legitimately afford their tuition and a reasonably high standard of living. Just think of all the students who live in apartments, and the couches and cars around campus that are left lonely in the night. Just think of all the students who come to OU, who can afford tuition and frivolous things like clothing, eating out, health care and laundry. College is about saving pennies and cutting it close financially. These people with their extra money are missing their opportunity at a proper college education. We have a solution to this problem: We need higher tuition. In the wake of so many cuts to higher education many colleges around the country are increasing their tuition. We don’t want to be the only ones who aren’t charging students more money during a recession. Besides, think of the money we could

make. English students complain of Gittinger Hall being so run down while Gaylord Hall is so beautiful. With the money we could make with exorbitant tuition hikes, we could make every building on campus a modern temple to aristocratic narcissism like the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication. This also would align our funds with our priorities. College is about a pretty campus and sports, not students or academics. We need to erect shrines to the greatest minds and bodies who grace our campus with their presence. We must erect statues to the great Bob Stoops, Sam Bradford and Cade Davis. We need a nice environment to cultivate learning for the students attending this university who might not be used to learning in dilapidated bomb shelters. We need to start raising our standards, both economic and intellectually, but let’s not have those exclude each other. With the prestige of raised tuition, we can expect finer stock attending this esteemed institution, so we should really raise our

admissions requirements. That way we could confirm only the best come here. But that really disadvantages the people who aren’t as cognitively able, but are economically proficient. So here’s a solution: We can allow these students to attend for a fee, a certain amount for their grade point average and another for their ACT scores. Then, if these students don’t do well in college, we could give them the opportunity to pay another fee for better grades. We need to understand the value of financial backing, and currently it’s something we’re leaving out of the college experience. We really should be ashamed of ourselves for living in this ivory tower for so long. It’s time for a change. Now’s the time. This is America and it’s time to embrace capitalism for what it truly is. Please enjoy the opinion page’s celebration of this holiday.

thoughts of dreams deferred roast no ducks giggle softer april folly slows copy cat duplicates under reason, only his eyes have. known child can. create! and uncreate! building blocks all “his” own smile. ones own “or” smile. borrowed all within the ~~waves~~ trick-dupe-dump the sun. (dwell) in innocent (enclaves) brotherly <-------> foes irritated by salty when not sweet monks know the Way. pious backs are beat.


John Best is a proud dao.



democracy go welcoming simplistic choice who would want to win

Wild Oscar and his merry band of minks Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Salt Lake City, there was a mink farm called Hobbes’ Ranch. On Hobbes’ Ranch lived Wild Oscar, the anthropomorphic mink. Wild Oscar would rattle the bars of his cage, cry and gaze toward the distant realm of Your-Topia. YourTopia, as everyone knows, is mink paradise. One day, Wild Oscar’s tears pooled and from them sprung a fairy named Petah. This fairy loved all of God’s animals. “Why are you crying, Wild Oscar?” asked the fairy. “Because I want freedom so badly,” replied the mink. “Well then,” said the fairy, sprinkling sparkling dust on the prison, “you and your friends are free.” Magically, the bars melted away. Through the opened gate, Wild Oscar departed with his six closest friends, each with their seven wives, and each of their seven wives’ seventy-seven children. At the edge of Hobbes’ Ranch, Petah the fairy warned the minks of three perils they would encounter. “To find Your-Topia, you must pass through Reah-Lity forest. There you will encounter many hardships like hunger, deceit and mutiny,” laughed the fairy. “After clearing the forest, the last trial is the Highway of Certain-Death.” “Why’s it called that?,” asked a mink-pup. To which the fairy replied, “I forget.” And so the minks entered the forest. Their first hardship was lacking the food freely provided by Farmer Hobbes until then. Wild Oscar happened upon a tree where 12 gaunt minks lived. “Can we stay with you?” asked Wild Oscar to his feral brothers. “Yes, but only if you work by the sweat of your brow and dig for mink-food in the dirt,” came the reply. Wild Oscar’s merry band did not want to dirty their claws or their adorable button-noses, so they moved on, still hungry and still homeless. The second hardship was the viper, Leviathan. Leviathan, the cleverest of all creatures, hissed to the merry band of minks “I know a ssshort-cut. Here, climb through my maw and on the other ssside is Your-Topia.” So Wild Oscar and his friends ushered their children through the fangs of Leviathan and deep into his stomach. After the last mink-pup was on its way to slow and painful digestion Leviathan yawned “I am full from eating all your childrensss.” Finally, out of Reah-Lity forest and with only 56 minks remaining,

Wild Oscar stood beside the black asphalt desert — the Highway of Certain-Death. Weary from travel, his receding tummy and the minkpups’ sudden and tragic deaths, Wild Oscar proposed that he and his friends turn back. “No,” they replied, “we have come this far. YourTopia is just across this Highway of CertainSomething-orOther.” To c u t o f f further debate, Wild Oscar’s six friends broke his arms and legs and stole all but one wife. They car- BRYAN ried the other HONEYCUTT six wives across the road where speeding vehicles squished every last one. A sudden rainstorm swept the mink tummy-eye-brain paste from the road before any biped noticed. Of the 350 minks freed from Hobbes’ Ranch, only two survived the week. None made it to YourTopia. Many nights later, when Wild Oscar’s wife was finally able to drag him back to Hobbes’ Ranch, the crippled mink rolled happily back into his cage. He cried tears of joy and once more sprung the fairy named Petah. When asked again if he wanted freedom Wild Oscar replied “I have learned through adversity that the value of freedom is not worth the cost of its risk.” From behind the bars of his cage, Wild Oscar hid from an indifferent and often cruel world. His wife died of dysentery later that day. But that’s not the end of our tale. Wild Oscar eventually escaped as he dreamed. He was recycled into a gaudy mink purse. Better still: The mink-murdering companies that the fairy named Petah hoped to harm did lose business. As a result of their loss, they canceled three overseas contracts. Three Chinese factories, each staffing 333 Chinese children, were shut down. These 999 Chinese children weren’t unemployed long. Their also recently unemployed factory chiefs sold them into child prostitution. And no one lived, happily ever after. The end. Bryan Honeycutt will grow up to be a ninja turtle.



Party-crossing lines that connect George W Bush and Barack Obama It is a bit of an understatement to say politics have been caught passing off lobbyist-written talkhave become increasingly polarized in the last 20 ing points as their own judgments, whereas those years. The two major parties have been moving on the democratic side of the aisle further and further away from each other, playhave been caught passing off lobing to their respective radical bases — while byist-written talking points as their doing nothing to actually improve the nature own judgments. of politics. Nor has either party been without Although the two parties seem scandal, although the particular messes they like night and day, there is at least one thing that they have in comhave been involved in are as different as their mon. That’s right, their past two platforms. presidents. Or — rather — there is For example — while Democrats have been something the past two presidential caught cheating on their wives in the Oval CHRIS candidates have in common: Good Office or expensive hotels in New York City, DEARNER old-fashioned blow. That’s right, if Republicans prefer men’s rooms or South American countries as venues for matrimonial in- there’s one scandal that can unite our two parties fidelity. The Democratic National Convention has into the new millennium, it’s fielding candidates been criticized for wasting donor money on lavish with a history of cocaine usage. hotels, while the Republican National Convention Chris Dearner is a firm believer that while both parties are prefers to waste its donor money on new ward- awful, one is more awful than the other, you know which one. robes and lesbian-bondage-themed L.A. nightclubs. And, of course, republican congressmen COMMENT ON THIS COLUMN AT OUDAILY.COM

Please visit to read: “Don’t Let Petty Intolerance Hold Out Change” by Gerard Keiser “On Brevity” by Max Avery “Voter Turnout for UOSA Elections phenominal” by Jerod Coker

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Thursday, April 1, 2010


Health care remains center of concern Rep. Cole fields questions regarding federal health care reform at town hall meeting CASSI TONEY Daily Staff Writer

Health care reform is still a hot topic when it comes to congressional town hall meetings. Active Tea Party members and Republican supporters asked Rep. Tom Cole, R-Okla., questions at his town hall meeting Wednesday night at the Moore-Norman Technology Center. “Congressman Cole likes to get out into the district and find out what people are concerned about and their views,” said Lisa Head, a caseworker for Cole. The biggest topic of questions for the 210 citizens in attendance was the health-care reform bill. Cole said there were bipartisan portions of the health-care reform bill, including extending insurance to children until the age of 26 and the limits restrictions on pre-existing conditions. “The intensity of opposition is much greater than the intensity of support [for the health care bill],” Cole said. He said that although 17 percent of American wealth is spent on health care, he does not think the quality of health care has increased comparably. He said the democrats


Rep. Tom Cole, R-Okla., speaks at a town hall meeting Wednesday at Moore-Norman Technology. Cole addressed issues including healthcare and increased government spending. were focused on access for health care, but republicans focused on the cost. “Americans should take personal responsibility,” Cole said speaking on personal health. “We think we can show up, take a pill and it’ll take care of decades of poor eating, but it won’t.”

The crowd cheered loudly when Cole emphasized his conservative ideals. “The Oklahoma delegation is the most conservative house delegation,” Cole said. Many in the audience stated their concern for where the future of the U.S. under the leadership

of President Barack Obama’s administration. Cole said he votes against Obama on many things and is leading the country in the wrong direction. Cole disagreed with one citizen’s call to impeach Obama. He said he does not think Obama is a criminal.

Cole emphasized how a smaller government is better. “The extension of governmental control always leads to danger,” Cole said. Martha Mullins, who is from Norman and volunteers for the Republican party, said she wanted to hear what Cole had to say and how she was being represented in Congress. “The best thing that was brought up is American people as a whole are smart and know what is best for this country,” Mullins said. Pam Dotson from Norman said she heard about the event from Cole’s mailing list. “He covered much more than I ever dreamed he would be able to cover,” Dotson said. “He gave time, attention and thought to answer the best he could.” Head said Cole enjoys the town hall events so that the people he represents can know he is a real person and shares the same conservative values. Norman’s meeting is Cole’s second of 10 town hall meetings throughout March and April to answer questions and reduce concerns about federal legislation. Cole represents 750,000 people in Oklahoma. He holds three series of town hall meetings each year. The next town hall meeting will be next Thursday in Lawton.

Congressional candidate blasts Dan Boren Dan Arnett spends time unofficially campaigning to College Republicans DANIELA MCCORMICK Daily Staff Writer

A Republican candidate for Oklahoma’s 2nd Congressional District criticized Dan Boren, who currently serves as District 2 congressman, Wednesday evening in the Oklahoma Memorial Union. Dan Arnett mingled with College Republicans members and answered questions students had about his campaign. Arnett said he has been visiting colleges to

talk about his campaign, but com“The legislature is supposed to ing to OU is one way to push Boren’s legislate. Boren has little to show in buttons. Dan Boren is the son of OU the six years he has been in office,” President David Boren. Arnett said. “I wouldn’t have to push any of Daniel Swanson, College Boren’s buttons if he was doing his Republicans president, said he job.” Arnett said. “Boren is not a doesn’t think Arnett will win the very accountable representative. election because the political enviHe doesn’t get out to the district as DAN ronment isn’t right. He said District 2 much as people as like.” is highly democratic with more than ARNETT Arnett said Boren wasn’t hold80 percent listed as democrats. ing town hall meetings that people “I think it’s a long shot. He’s runin District 2 wanted until he himself forced ning against an institution in the Boren famBoren to hold one. He said Boren doesn’t do ily,” said Swan, a political science senior. much for the people of District 2. Arnett said he has confidence in his

campaign despite obstacles. He said some people are concerned with his age. Arnett, who is turning 26 this year, said despite this concern, he has the maturity and ethics to represent District 2 well. Arnett said many young adults feel like he will represent them the best. “A lot of young people are getting involved with the campaign because they realize their futures are at stake,” Arnett said. Swanson said the College Republicans did not allow Arnett to speak because they would have to allow Boren to speak. He said Boren came to the meeting to recruit students for his campaign.


Revisiting the New Deal: Government Patronage and the Fine Arts | new exhibition on display now through May 9 in the Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art. Visit for more information. Intramural Update| Co-ed soccer entries today at the Huston Huffman Center. For more information visit or call Jonathan Dewhirst, (405) 325-3053. Women’s Tennis: OU vs. Marquette | 3:30 p.m. at the Gregg Wadley Indoor Tennis Pavilion. Admission is free for all fans! Sooner Baseball: OU vs. Texas | 6:30 p.m. at L. Dale Mitchell Park. Admission is free with a valid OU student ID. Nature’s New Deal: The CCC and the Roots of the American Environmental Movement | 7 p.m. in the Mary Eddy and Fred Jones Auditorium, Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art. Lecture presented by Neil M. Maher, Associate Professor of History at New Jersey’s Science and Technology University. Oklahoma Festival Ballet | 8 p.m. in the Rupel J. Jones Theatre. OU School of Dance and University Theatre presents Oklahoma Festival Ballet: Four Ballets from Across the Centuries. Performances include pieces from Sleeping Beauty. Tickets are $22 for adults, $18 for seniors and OU faculty/staff and $14 for OU students. Call the Fine Arts Box Office for more information, (405) 325-4101. Norton Concert Series: Thelema Trio, Clarinet/Sax/Piano | 8 p.m. in the Paul F. Sharp Concert Hall, Catlett Music Center. Tickets are $8 for adults and $5 for students, faculty/staff and senior adults. Please call the Box Office at (405) 325-4101 for more information.

Friday, April 2 Free Movie: “Sherlock Holmes” | free screening at 4, 7, 10 p.m. & 12:30 a.m. in Meacham Auditorium, Oklahoma Memorial Union. Presented by the Union Programming Board and Campus Activities Council Film Series. ALWAYS SOMETHING at the union! Sooner Baseball: OU vs. Texas | 6:30 p.m. at L. Dale Mitchell Park. Admission is free with a valid OU student ID.

Relaxation Station | 7-9 p.m. in the Oklahoma Memorial Union Food Court. Come and enjoy free food, free massages and free eyebrow waxing. Presented by the Union Programming Board, . ALWAYS SOMETHING at the union! Oklahoma Festival Ballet | 8 p.m. in the Rupel J. Jones Theatre. Tickets are $22 for adults, $18 for seniors and OU faculty/staff and $14 for OU students. Call the Fine Arts Box Office for more information, (405) 325-4101. Sutton Concert Series: OU Orchestra Concerto Showcase | 8 p.m. in the Paul F. Sharp Concert Hall, Catlett Music Center. Tickets are $8 for adults and $5 for students, faculty/staff and senior adults. Please call the Box Office at (405) 325-4101 for more information.

Saturday, April 3 Women’s Tennis: OU vs. Texas | 11 a.m. at the Gregg Wadley Indoor Tennis Pavilion. Admission is free for all fans! Sooner Baseball: OU vs. Texas | 2 p.m. at L. Dale Mitchell Park. Admission is free with a valid OU student ID. Oklahoma Festival Ballet | 8 p.m. in the Rupel J. Jones Theatre. Tickets are $22 for adults, $18 for seniors and OU faculty/staff and $14 for OU students. Call the Fine Arts Box Office for more information, (405) 325-4101. Sutton Concert Series: Oklahoma Chamber Players | 8 p.m. in the Morris R. Pitman Recital Hall, Catlett Music Center. Tickets are $8 for adults and $5 for students, faculty/staff and senior adults. Please call the Box Office at (405) 325-4101 for more information.

Sunday, April 4 UC Action Center: Organic Chemistry I & II | 2-4 in Wagner Hall Rooms 140 and 145. Attend this action center to get help with these difficult subjects from a professor and two peer learning assistants. Presented by University College.

This University in compliance with all applicable federal and state laws and regulations does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, age, religion, disability, political beliefs, or status as a veteran in any of its policies, practices or procedures. This includes but is not limited to admissions, employment, financial aid and educational services. For accommodations on the basis of disability, please contact the sponsoring department of any program or event.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Aaron Colen, sports editor • phone: 325-7630 • fax: 325-6051

« MEN’S TENNIS SSooners prepare tto face Tulsa ttoday. Preview on OOUDAILY.COM



Men’s basketball receives good news with new recruit


Sophomore Christopher Ellison bats Tuesday during the game against Arkansas-Pine Bluff. The Sooners defeated Arkansas-Pine Bluff 16-1 Wednesday.

Sooners sweep home series OU wins two games against Arkansas-Pine Bluff, both by double-digit runs

slaughter of the Golden Lions, OU will gear up for a pivotal three game series with the No. 7 Texas Longhorns at L. Dale Mitchell Park. JONO GRECO The series is slated to start at 6:30 p.m. Thursday and Daily Staff Writer will continue through Saturday afternoon. Friday’s game is scheduled for 6:30 p.m. and the series finale will start at 2 p.m The first two games of the No. 9 baseball team’s five-game on Saturday. home stand were not the toughest games the Sooners have Junior pitcher Zach Neal (3-0) is going to start Thursday’s had to play this season, but they were beneficial heading into opener, junior pitcher Bobby Shore (4-0) will be on the mound this season’s installment of the Red River Rivalry. Saturday and senior pitcher J.R. Robinson (1-1) will make his “[The Arkansas-Pine Bluff series] is getting us ready,” return to the weekend rotation as the Sunday starter. sophomore first baseman Cameron Seitzer said. “Texas is a The Sooners should have fresh arms out of the bullpen great team, so we’re going to need everybody despite the two midweek games because to be ready to go.” head coach Sunny Golloway decided to go TEXAS SERIES PROMOTIONS The Sooners (22-3, 3-1) defeated the with the pitching by committee approach Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions on Tuesday against the Golden Lions. and Wednesday 26-3 and 16-1, respectively. Thursday – first 500 students This weekend series promises to be OU scored 10 runs in the second inning of will receive a crimson t-shirt a pitching struggle as both teams are in the series opener en route to the 23-run beatthe top three in conference in team ERA. ing, and multiple hitters had big nights at the Friday – first 250 fans will Texas boasts a 2.78 ERA, the best in the Big plate. The Sooners tied a season-high with 19 receive an OU Fan Banner 12, and the Sooners are third in conference hits and the 26 runs is a season high. with a 3.37 ERA. Seitzer hit for the cycle, something he said Saturday – Military Appreciation “We feel like we’ll going to be able to he’s never done, by going 4-5 with two RBIs Day match them on the mound; it’s what we and scoring five runs, and both sophomore need to do,” Golloway said. “If your pitchcatcher Tyler Ogle and junior shortstop Cale ing can match each other, then your ofEllis hit grand slams. fense really comes into play and I like our Ellis had a career high with seven RBIs in chances there.” three plate appearances, all of which resulted in hits. If the game does come down to timely hitting against solid Senior pitcher Michael Rocha was credited with the win by pitching, the Sooners have the edge with their .323 batting throwing three innings and allowing one run. The Sooners average compared to Texas’ .273 average. used four pitchers Tuesday. This year’s series with the Longhorns is very similar to Wednesday’s game went by a similar script as Tuesday’s the one last year in the sense the two teams are very closely game, just without the 10-run explosion in an inning. ranked. Last year OU was ranked No. 10 and Texas was No. 9 Seitzer had another solid game at the plate by going 2-3 in the nation. with a home run and double with four RBIs. His six hits in The Longhorns swept last year’s three-game series in the series raises his batting average to .416, and his two home Austin. runs raise his season total to seven. “It’s UT; it’s our rival,” Seitzer said. “We all know what hap“I’m feeling good,” Seitzer said. “Baseball’s all about pened to us last year—the sweep—it tore us up; it was not fun streaks, and I guess I’m in one.” for us. We know what we need to do.” Freshman right fielder Max White and sophomore left The Sooners have not won a season series against the Texas fielder Cody Reine also homered in the game. Five different since 1998, and since then the Longhorns have swept the Sooners hit home runs during the series. season series against OU five times. Texas holds the all-time Ellis added two RBIs in the eighth inning, giving him nine series lead over OU 120-40-2, and the last time the two teams RBIs during the short series. He did not have any RBIs enter- met in Norman the Longhorns won two of three games. ing Tuesday’s opener. “It’s going to be a big weekend for RPI, it’s going to be a Freshman pitcher Ryan Gibson pitched two shutout in- big weekend for national seeding, it’s also going to be a big nings and received the victory. The win was Gibson’s third weekend for that Big 12 race we want to go after and win,” of the season. Golloway said. Now that the Sooners are done with their two-game

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While the men’s basketball team is nowhere near fixed, coach Jeff Capel’s most recent signing is a step in the right direction. Hailing from Putnam City West, Tyler Neal is everything the Sooner’s need on their roster right now. Gatorade’s Prep Player of the Year has all the tangibles—and more imCLARK portantly intangibles—that the team FOY could use. Don’t get me wrong, this kid can play. Nobody wins an award like Gatorade Prep Player of the Year and doesn’t deserve it. The 6-foot-6-inch forward averaged 18.6 points and 8.3 rebounds per game and helped lead the Patriots to their first state tournament appearance since 1977, leading them all the way to the semifinals. Neal also is noted as a 3-point marksman and can play the twoguard or the small forward position. Still, even though he is well over 6-foot, Neal is very slender at 175 pounds. He does have a chance to make an impact on the court in a few years. But his benefit could be immediate. This past season the men’s team faced much adversity, and, save the injury to Willie Warren, almost all of it was brought on to themselves. Some were caught shoplifting, and skipping class while others were serving suspensions for missing team meetings and various other reasons. Capel tried to instill discipline, but ultimately it comes down to an individual decision made by each player. And those decisions were sometimes not the best. Now, the Sooners find themselves in a lot of trouble. Tommy Mason-Griffin has declared for the draft, Ray Willis is transferring, Warren is still deciding between going pro or coming back and Tiny Gallon is still under investigation for allegedly accepting from a MerrillLynch financial advisor. On top of that, Tony Crocker, Ryan Wright and Beau Gerber are all graduating. Crocker was a four-year contributor, Wright a start last season and Gerber was the well-known walk on that was consistently bragged about as the team’s best natural leader. Neal provides an example of what a student athlete should be. The kid is a great student and is noted for his leadership ability as well. "They’re not only getting an outstanding, sky-is-thelimit basketball player, but they’re getting a fine young man in Tyler Neal,” head coach Tim Stogsdill said in an interview by The Oklahoman. "If they’re looking for class and character, they definitely found it in Tyler Neal. He’s a diamond in the rough.” This team needs an example to set that straight. Maybe Neal won’t step on as an immediate leader, but he has all the tools necessary. Cade Davis is expected to be a big leader next year both on and off the court. He may not be a McDonald’s All American or an “ESPN Top whatever player in the nation”, but he should be welcomed to the team with open arms. After the team lost its last home game of the season to Texas A&M, Capel led the senior farewells at the end of the game. In his introduction speech for Gerber, Capel referred to his decision of making Gerber a Sooner as “the best decision he has made in his coaching career.” Neal could be that next best decision. Clark Foy is a journalism junior.

Thursday, April 1, 2010



Women’s tennis to face Marquette in home matchup DANIELLE ALVA Daily Staff Writer


Junior Ana-Maria Constantinescu returns a serve Sunday at Gregg Wadley Indoor Tennis Pavilion. Freshman Teona Tsertsvadze and Constantinescu beat Colorado in doubles.

and trying to focus on not only our individual skills but our doubles as well.” The Sooners are off to the team’s best start since 2004. OU is currently undefeated at home at 8-0 and has six home matches

The OU women’s tennis team hopes to keep its winning streak alive against Marquette University at 3:30 p.m. today in the Gregg Wadley Indoor Tennis Pavilion. OU VS. MARQUETTE OU played well during the weekend OU faces Marquette to defend and plans on using its home record that confidence to overcome the Golden When: Today at 5 p.m. Eagles. The Sooners have Where: Gregg Wadley Tennis a challenging match Pavilion ahead of them, as Marquette’s Christina Ruiz was named the Big East player of the week March 24 remaining. Ju n i o r A na - Ma r i a This season, the C o n s t a nt i n e s c u s a i d Sooners have shut out she is looking forward to their opponents five Thursday’s match. She is times, and have beaten currently ranked as the four nationally-ranked No. 90 singles player. opponents. “This is an imO U ha s o n l y f a c e d portant week for us,” Marquette one time beConstantinescu said. “We fore when the Sooners are preparing for both of prevailed in 2008. our matches this week

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HOROSCOPE By Bernice Bede Osol

Copyright 2008, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

Thursday, April 1, 2010 ARIES (March 21-April 19) -This is likely to be one of those days in which you will be in the right spot at the right time through nothing youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll perceive or do, but just by chance. Be sure to take advantage of something really good. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) -- Make an effort to mix and mingle today, if you can. New social contacts you establish at this time could be of enormous importance in bringing something really good into your life.

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) -When it comes to your material affairs, it looks like you are riding a very fortunate wave at this point in time. The very least of what you can expect is to make more money than you anticipated. SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) -- Your uplifting attitude, along with your natural charisma, make you a very appealing person to be around today. Socially speaking, you shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be too surprised by your popularity.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) -Finally, after laboring for some time to achieve an objective of great significance, you could make a breakthrough today. For unknown reasons, events will suddenly break in your favor.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 21) -- Focus on your most meaningful objective today because with Dame Fortune making sure everything goes right, you shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have too much trouble wrapping it up to your complete satisfaction.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Once again you will find yourself quite fortunate with a situation or development in which you previously struck gold. Whatever it is, keep enjoying the good things it brings.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) -- Do not be reluctant to mingle among your peers, in both work and social settings. You could learn things today that will turn out to be of great value to you in each venue.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) -- Forced changes or adjustments are likely to work out in your favor, so donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be resistant to going along with surprise happenings. What occurs will work to your ultimate benefit.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) -- Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in one of those special, albeit brief, cycles in which you are capable of handling two separate important objectives simultaneously, and will do a splendid job with each. Make today count.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- What you are hoping to accomplish today is doable, provided you are teamed up with the right allies. Once you are, everything will fall into place without too much effort on your part.

PISCES (Feb. 20-March 20) -This might be one of those rare days when you seem to find yourself in the right spot at the right time to take advantage of something big that is going on. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pass up this heaven-sent chance.

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ACROSS 1 Definitely not this 5 Covert attentiongetter 9 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Purlieâ&#x20AC;? star Moore 14 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Biggest Little City in the Worldâ&#x20AC;? 15 Soap Box Derby championship state 16 Self-evident truth 17 Safecracker, slangily 18 Cantrell or Turner 19 In need of cleaning 20 Short-lived success 23 Word on a pack of cigs 24 Bike, in slang 25 Wood beams 29 Tool for bending metal 31 Snake sound 33 Cambridge college 34 Passover month 36 River by Windsor Castle 39 Short-lived success 42 Small cave 43 Pitchers in antique stores 44 Hook, as a crook 45 Cut off in layers 47 Like some coincidences

51 In need of cleaning 54 Mass. hours 56 Gilbert & Sullivanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Princess ___â&#x20AC;? 57 Short-lived success 60 Tony or Oscar 63 Doublecurved arch 64 Rickman of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Die Hardâ&#x20AC;? 65 Something to wrangle with 66 Melvin of baseball 67 Dole (out) 68 Crooked 69 Prefix for â&#x20AC;&#x153;whileâ&#x20AC;? 70 Ogled DOWN 1 Romantic meetings 2 Long-running country revue 3 Type of cat, goat or rabbit 4 Fast food option 5 Salk vaccine target 6 City at the mouth of the Yangtze 7 When doubled, a New York prison 8 Raises oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s glass to 9 Polite address 10 Well-to-do outlying area 11 Sue Graftonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;___ For Lawlessâ&#x20AC;?

12 Mechanical combatant, for short 13 Irving of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Carrieâ&#x20AC;? 21 Devout one 22 â&#x20AC;&#x153;___ season to be ...â&#x20AC;? 26 Jane Austen novel 27 Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s nothing to the French 28 Downing and Main (Abbr.) 30 Tiny swarmer 32 Word with â&#x20AC;&#x153;strengthâ&#x20AC;? or â&#x20AC;&#x153;cityâ&#x20AC;? 35 Quaint boutique 37 Regarding this matter, in legalese 38 Semicircular church section 39 Nasal-voiced actress Drescher 40 Slow pitches 41 They put out

42 46

48 49 50 52 53 55 58 59 60 61 62

high-frequency sounds Wildebeest Where teams often have an advantage Filmdomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Scott Conceive mentally Got by working In sorrier shape Fund, as a fellowship Brow accumulation Operatic prince Application question Words before â&#x20AC;&#x153;carteâ&#x20AC;? but not â&#x20AC;&#x153;horseâ&#x20AC;? Verb for a historian Start of a Kennedy quote


Š 2010 Universal Uclick


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Joshua Boydston, L&A editor • phone: 325-5189 • fax: 325-6051



Check out a full preview of the Radiohead show and in-depth interview with Thom Yorke.


The Daily’s guide to what definitely is not happening near you.



4. 1.

IN OKC The late comedian Mitch Hedberg will stop in Oklahoma City as part of his “Brains....” tour. Zombie Hedberg will stagger to the stage with opener Carrot Top at 10 p.m. Saturday at Celebration Station.



AROUND NORMAN Unknown British band Radiohead will perform with Blur at 3 p.m. Friday at Opolis, 113 N. Crawford Ave. Tickets for the show are $5.


ON CAMPUS A long-lost collection of Picasso velvet paintings will go on display today at the Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art. An opening ceremony with free wine and Double Stuf Oreos will be held 10 p.m. Friday.


ON CAMPUS The scholarly cast of MTV’s hit reality show, “The Jersey Shore,” will guest lecture for the Intellectual History course Friday. The special class will take place 10 a.m. in Dale Hall.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2010


aitlin Alison Turner’s Guide to Being a Lady


I cannot be the dictator of your closet. Just know yourself and your unique style so that it may be used to your dapper advantage. Your clothes announce who you are — don’t be presented as the slob who cares not about the three-day-old mustard stains on his shirt. A greater evil, though, is the pretentious wardrobe — a gentleman’s look should convey approachability, not conceit.

Editor’s note: Caitlin Turner and Lunden England are taking a lighthearted approach at social graces. Sugar and spice and everything nice? That crap is for little girls. Whether you like it or not, you are a lady now, so you better act like one. Learning how to cross those legs at the ankles and giggle when blatantly hit on is bush league stuff. Let’s all take a moment to man up and get our lady time on.



We all saw “Mean Girls” and the devastating effects of calling fellow females various euphemisms of “street walker,” but sometimes you do just have to call them like you see them. After all, what else would you call the person stealing your parking spot or writing on your crushes Facebook wall? A lady? I think not.


Is class a good time to whip out your Nike shorts and Uggs? Maybe. Should you do it every day? Enjoy the single life, darling. While undergarments are important, sometimes a lady finds herself in a position to omit delicates from her ensemble. When this situation arises remember that BandAids (in all conceivable sizes) are a girl’s best friend. Consequently, leather furniture and plastic benches can be a skirt-wearing girl’s worst enemy.


Whether you dwell in a tiny dorm, a roommate-filled house or a spacious Mazda Protégé, having people over should be a practice in humility. Guests should always be offered your best plastic ware. I like to give my company the option of removing the plastic from the sporks themselves, saves you time and gives them a sense of cleanliness. Might I suggest also deleting all of The Fray’s albums from your iPod before pressing shuffle and connecting it to speakers? High school was hard for all of us, sweetie, not just you.


A Lady never kisses and tells. But she should fell inclined to tell


Caitlin Turner and Lunden England exhibit ladylike, and gentlemanly, fashion sense and poise. whomever she is kissing when she feels a lip hickey coming on. Thought neck hickies where hard to hide? Try explaining to your friends why mauve lipstick suddenly seemed so stylish to you. People don’t like to play games when it comes to relationships; so don’t forget to test your date’s commitment aptitude by leaving for absolutely no reason in the middle of the date. If you get a call asking where you went then you know this one is a keeper.


Cell phones and the Internet have changed the way our generation communicates. But even in 2010, a little politeness goes a long way. When receiving a suggestive text it can be hard to hide the creepy little smile that comes a long with it. Please remember that not every girl out there has a special someone to “sext” with, and I do reserve the right to smack that grin right off your face, lady.


A lady never accepts the gift of a beverage that is poured with “well” liquor, unless of course the lady is really quite thirsty. Some drinks are more ladylike than others. Ordering anything made with more than two fruit juices delivers a questionable message about your personality. Remember, only attempt tying a knot in the cherry stem if you are confident in your abilities and don’t forget to suck as much spit off of it as possible before you hold it up for applause. Caitlin Turner is an MRS. junior.


unden Danger England’s Guide to Being a Gentleman

Today, in hopes of doing justice to all nine of my faithful readers, my sole wish is to divulge the sacred ways of the gentleman. Such a gentleman was the legendary Charlie Chaplin that he could do the unthinkable and get away with verbless quotes. Consider his gentlemanly fragment: “A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.” Let us strive to be all of these things, and let us also take note of the following guidelines so we may be of a higher standard.


The words make the gentleman, so choose yours wisely. Invest in a thesaurus and maybe a rhyming dictionary to pump your sentences full of intrigue (and rhymes!). A solid understanding of grammar can take you far in life, but I give full permission to forget “whom” — its most magical aspect is its uncanny ability to prove your social life died long ago. On the topic of cursing, though, I give my full blessing, but with a word of caution: It is the spice of everyday language (there’s nothing more satisfying than a perfectly-timed f-bomb), but a gentleman knows to use these words sparingly and appropriately.

People are naturally drawn to gentlemen, but the simple fact of life is that you will die alone and friendless if your partythrowing skills are subpar. For successful entertaining, keep a full stock of spirits (see “Libations”), as well as a varied music library. Though a true gentleman shows kindness to all, the company he keeps is yet another reflection of himself. (There is really no subtle way for me to tell you to invite likeable persons to your gathering, but do it anyway, alright?)


A gentleman never forgets his manners, and when taking out a young man or woman, he remains aware of his responsibility to show his date a good time — this means being engaging, attentive and most likely not getting drunk on Rumplemintz halfway through the evening. Hold tight to common sense here — if the restaurant has plastic menus, or if the wine can be opened without a corkscrew, skip it. Your date will notice.


Now I’m really going to let you have it — while technology certainly can be handy, it is not gentlemanly in any fashion. Learn to limit yourself: If you really, really find it necessary to have a Twitter account, remember that your online self-image is just as potent as your physical one. The same goes for Facebook: Sad people make pages for their dogs. Gentlemen do not.


We’re back to appropriateness here: a case of Natty Light might be acceptable for a night of cow-tipping, but not for a gentleman’s purposes. Ditch your cheaper drinking habits in favor of quality imports, and seek out your personal favorites in gin, scotch and brandy. Lunden England is a dark arts senior.

THE TRUE(ISH) ORIGINS OF APRIL FOOLS’ DAY Editor’s Note: The following column may (or may not) be totally false. I only have moments to try and share all that I have learned about the origins of April Fool’s Day, as I am being pursued by a rather ruthless, diverse hoard of villains I have gathered through my research, so I will try to make this as concise as possible. For centuries, scholars have debated over the true origins of April Fool’s Day. Some argue the tradition had routes in a advertising campaign for JEM Rubber Co.’s new invention, the whoopee cushion. Others believe the roots began with Ashton Kutcher accidently falling into a mystical time machine and zapping back to the Elizabethan period. However, after several JOSHUA months of Tom Hanks-esque BOYDSTON rogue investigation — enraging authorities of every major religion in the process — I have stumbled across the true(ish) origins of the yearly tradition. It reaches further into the foundations of the world than ever imagined. The tradition began around 250 AD when Mayan priests began to make human sacrifices as a joke. Needless to say, some of the villagers didn’t “get it.” Calls to cease the sacrifices arose and the “pranks” declined, but the mastermind of the plan —Ah Fu — would continue to instill the value of a good joke in his children. Fu would die soon, on a date that would later become April 1, and his sons vowed to spread the legacy of their father. A tradition was born. However, the Fu dynasty, as seen, had a particularly nasty sense of humor, and the tradition would take on a particularly dark route The Black Death would become the biggest pandemic in human history. However, history has forgotten that the bubonic plague was actually isolated in rodents on a tiny island off the coast of Sweden. That is, until Joel Fuulske extracted the gene and ironically marketed the substance as a immortality tonic to mainland Europe. Millions would die thinking they would live forever. William Pranker, a baker in Richmond,



An example of one of the earliest April Fool’s Day pranks. Virginia, playfully told several patrons that he had no bread left to sell on April 1, 1863. The next day, a bread riot would rise across the Confederate capital, leaving dozens of business destroyed and several individuals hurt. When questioned by authorities as to why he wouldn’t sell the townsmen bread, Pranker was quoted as saying “they didn’t knead it,” followed by a hearty chuckle and knee slap. Years later, in April 1912, boat yard worker John Foales thought it would be quite humorous to slightly alter the steering mechanism of the ship he was helping put the finishing touches on, simply hoping to make the captain look a fool. Two weeks later, The RMS Titanic would meet a water demise. However, the less disastrious, crowd pleasing jokes would eventually take on a life of their own, much to the dismay of the Fu dynasty. More fun pranks like elaborate plots electing Arnold Schwarzenegger governor of California and popularizing songs like “Mambo No. 5” became the norm, and the dastardly dares of the Fu family would be forgotten. But following family trees, I have found that the Fu family is as strong and vast as ever, and they aren’t taking the problem lightly. Through scraps of shredded documents and blueprints I have uncovered a Fu dynsasty plot that includes Glenn Beck, zombies, sharks and Taco Mayo. I have yet to piece the whole thing together, but from what I gather ... Oh no, I hear footsteps. I’ve got to go quickly. Keep a cautious eye on April Fool’s Day, you never know when the Fu family plot may ... ahhhhhhh! Joshua Boydston is an interplanetary domination junior.

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Thursday, April 1, 2010