Chasing Recovery: A Story of Aroha

Chasing Recovery:

A Story of Aroha

PART1

Billy Mihinui says there are only three ways you can get hooked on meth. Those ways include coping with trauma, peer-pressure, or having a tutu. Billy was just having a tutu, but that turned into 16 years of active addiction and destruction. He said his journey started with smoking cabbage with the bro’s at school.

“I started bumping into drugs at school. Some of my bro’s that’s what our whānau’s only know aye – grow dope and that’s their bread and butter. The kids just take it out of the bucket and bring it to school and that’s how we all started.”

The cabbage he says led to buds, which then led to LSD and pills. His marks at school started to drop because he stopped paying attention in class. Then he started dodging school altogether. He got expelled for throwing a desk and a chair at his teacher.

Billy reveals he had no trauma growing up, and his parents taught him dignity and integrity and they often went to church. When their whānau moved to Tāneatua he began learning about his dad’s background in the gangs. He looked up to his dad because he taught him how to work hard and stand on his own two feet.

Naturally he wanted to be just like him.

“He was hard as, he was tough as, that’s every son’s dream to be just like their dad. He’s a lifetime member of the mongrel mob, so I pursued that. I wanted to be a mobster, so when I was 15 I joined the mongrel mob.”

Billy fought for his patch, and had to rumble three of his bro’s in the ring to get it. He got knocked out, and when he woke up in the pad he remembers how he saw one of the ranatira’s of the mongrel mob sitting there smoking a light bulb.

“I was just playing right up. I was a mean league player too, mean rugby player, just the drugs did it in aye.”

Te Pairi - Mihinui whānau photo taken in Rotorua, 1992 Top row: Martin Matatahi Mihinui, Wiremu Karaitiana

Biddle, Te Puni Te Pairi Mihinui, Kararaina Tania Marama Te Pairi Bottom row: Edward Rahiri Te Pairi Mark Rawiri Te Pairi Billy Conan Te Pairi Arthur Takina Te Pairi

Mihinui, Mihinui.

Mihinui, Mihinui, Mihinui, Mihinui.

“I had my patch on me and I looked at him and says what the hell are you smoking! And he goes ‘oh it’s the new in drug!’ In my head I thought it was oil, spots so I said to him gizza turn bro!

A few years deep into that and Billy earned himself a reputation for always fighting and always smoking drugs. He said he always wanted to be the best at what he was doing, all the time and said he was the best gangster ever.

But he stopped all that when he met Edith.

“I met this beautiful woman and I started going back to mahi and doing normal things, then one day she said I’ve got a son on the way. I didn’t like kids. As soon as I knew I was having a kid I was depressed, coz why bring them into this world? I can’t look after kids, I can’t look after myself. I can’t even look after this woman. But she wanted to keep him” Right at that point is when Billy fell right back into using methamphetamine, and said it’s only easy when you’ve got a bad reputation.

“The baddest of bad come to see you, it’s like they know when to visit you, like you’re magnetizing them to come. I lost many jobs through meth. Heaps of talent, heaps of skill I just wasted it. I just wanted to get high all the time, every day.”

When Edith was in labour with their son Matatahi, Billy turned up to the annexe coming down off methamphetamine, spending the time sleeping on the annexe chairs, coming down.

Billy Mihinui with his moko Te Huihui Timoti.

This was during one of Billy’s lowest points and he weighed only 57kgs.

He also admits that he cheated on Edith a lot with other women, and says that it is something that comes with the territory.

“I don’t really know how my babe felt, I didn’t really care how she actually felt, I was just all about me and how I was feeling. It starts with the smoking, but that starts to leave because you can never get back up there. Then you change your addiction to the money and you start attracting a lot of women. Those are the things that come with it.”

Not long after baby was born, the crime started kicking in. Putting balaclavas on and kicking doors in, robbing things, whacking people over and selling women.

“I’ve done it, I’ve sold women – you smoke my shit you get on that corner bro and you give my money back. You start to treat women really, really ugly.”

His behavior from that world started spilling over into his life at home, and although Billy said he never hit Edith, he mentally messed with her mind to the point where he didn’t even have to say a word, it was just a look, and she would bow her head and she would just sit.

“She knew not to touch men, not to go around and even hug her own cousins otherwise I’ll hang them all. She knew I was a very jealous person so she walked around on bombshells, not eggshells. Time bombs. That’s how I made her, I moulded her like that. Don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything. Put your head down, don’t look at anyone.”

Billy admits it was because of his own damaging behavior - the cheating, stealing and violence and the guilt and shame he felt from being in that world is why he began treating his whānau so badly. By then he was standing on guard with a gun watching the cooks cook meth.

“The burglaries stopped because I thought why rob shops to get the money to buy P when you can get a shotgun and go to the P shop itself.

They’re not going to ring the police!

So I thought I was cool, until one day I went into a gun fight with an axe!”

Out of 52 weeks in the year Billy said he might have only slept 10 of those, and the longest he’s been up is one month and two weeks with no sleep.

“Time is not a factor to the brothers and sisters who are on meth. Time don’t mean shit. You start to see things and you start to lose it. One day I came home, had a talk to my babe told her ‘Bro I’m gunna die. I just wanna sleep. Forever. I don’t wanna wake up if this is what it’s gunna be.”

For the next few years Billy clocked up a couple of three month stints in rehab where he learned all about his baffling behaviours with the help of one-on-one counselling, group therapy, and support groups. Although it helped identify his issues, he said three months is just not long enough.

“I did a lot of mahi and graduated. I started to find myself again but it was not long enough.

Three months is not long enough, straight up coz for the first month you are still coming down, the second month you start to deal with your demons, and on that last month you are just starting to find that goodness then you gotta go and it’s like woah where to from here?”

After rehab, Billy had a difficult time trying to navigate his recovery in the real world. He tried to stick it out in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings, but he couldn’t resonate with their ways.

“There’s no whakawhanaunatana there’s no māori concepts. 12 steps shit I’d rather listen to the 12 heavens, lets change those 12 steps to 12 heavens. We got 12 heavens, we got kete. I tried to gravitate to them, but I fell.

I fell back in and I fell hard.”

Chasing Recovery:

A Story of Aroha

PART2

I was at rock bottom with him, either one of us were gunna die or one of us was going to jail. We were toxic for each other, even though I wasn’t on the pipe I started to wear the behaviours - I was out of control, not the loving person my hapū knows me as. So I had to step away and leave Billy.

For me it was seeing him with another woman at the gas station, I lost my shit. I leaped from my car window to his car window, I wasn’t thinking of my own safety. He could’ve just driven off and my body probably would’ve just snapped in half. That was it for me. I needed to go and get help for myself, so I had to leave and stay away from Billy.

I went to the doctors, coz there’s nothing out there for us, he prescribed anti-depressants but that’s the last thing I wanted to do. So I reached out to the Legacy sisterhood empowerment programme. At first I was judging them like ‘Hmm, Church, Destiny’s’ but

I had the courage to reach out to them. I went and done the 12 week programme, three weeks into it and I started to empower myself. Then I knew I had to come back for him.

The destruction he brought our relationship was huge, but I held on to that little bit of hope, because I remembered him before he picked up the pipe.

So I graduated in September and I asked him if he wanted to come. He’d been gone about a week but he managed to turn up and I remember him looking at me after and he was saying how beautiful I was on the stage and how proud he was of me. That was the first time in a long time that I heard him saying something nice to me and I just broke down crying.

Then he looked at me and said, “I don’t know what to do”, and I knew that was my chance.

So I turned to him and said, ‘You’re probably not gunna like it, you’re probably gunna resist, but you need to go back to rehab”. He didn’t say anything and he just nodded his head, and that’s when I got on the phone to Tūhoe drug and alcohol counsellor Nika Puru, who told us about the new Mana Enhacing hui in Whakatāne.

I was on the phone to Nika Puru on a Sunday, and the meeting was Tuesday. From Sunday to Tuesday is like the longest day of your life, coz it only takes a knock on the door and Billy will be back out those doors again and into that world. So I put a plan in place. I walked to work, I’d go hide the truck at my mums. I did everything I could to make him safe that he wouldn’t walk back out into that world.

Tuesday came and Nika Puru picked us both up and went to our first Mana Enhancing STOP hui in Whakatāne, and it was powerful everyone sharing their stories.

Yeah, Billy used to run around chasing meth by himself, but the hui were powerful for both of us so we started chasing recovery together.

Chasing Recovery:

A Story of Aroha

PART3

Angry at the world, Billy had a hard time gravitating towards the Mana Enhancing Hui in the early days of his recovery journey. He wasn’t keen on hearing the kōrero being shared. The first hui he went to he told everyone in the room that he just wanted to smash them all, so he got up and left. But those there wouldn’t give up on him, and over time he became ready to listen.

Soon after whānau started turning up to the meetings. First it was five whānau, then more and more started turning up each week. Billy says you have got to have faith and belief that the kaupapa you are running with is the right thing, and will help whānau. Now they get over 30 whānau attending these hui each week.

“After a few hui Pauline the facilitator said we should find a space in Tāneatua to start our own roopu up. We realized we needed to bring it home because of all the destruction we brought to Tāneatua”.

Gathering the courage to start that hikoi, Billy and Edith started handing out Mana Enhancing hui pamphlets. Then they visited Tāneatua local Dianne – kaitiaki of the fire station. They shared their story, and had a kōrero to her about what they were wanting to do. She didn’t hesitate to offer up space at the fire station, and asked when they would like to start.

“The trust Dianne showed with giving us the key to the fire station, was a huge blessing to us.

When the space at the fire station was offered, it was just Billy and Edith teaching each other how to facilitate meetings. This taught them to stay strong, no matter whether it’s one person who walks through the door or 100, stay firm.”

Reconnecting to Tōtara marae, Te Urewera hapū also helped Billy on his journey. It’s where he found unconditional support, a place to ground himself and contribute to his hapū aspirations.

Today the marae also trusts Billy as a kaitiaki of the key so he can mow the lawns and other mahi that needs doing.

The blessings kept coming.

“Whānau from Tāneatua and our whārua heard about our kaupapa and wanted to support us.

Koha came from all over our whārua just for our first mana enhancing presentation, and we pulled a hāni together for our first hui. We pulled our first presentation off and it was amazing.”

Still, Billy says temptation sits right outside the front door.

“Sometimes we get the dealers come to the door watching what’s going on, seeing all their customers inside. So we are kaitiaki and we gotta keep that space safe for whānau,. We don’t wanna know what they’ve done in that world, all we wanna know is that they wanna heal. They are broken so we just tell the dealers they can’t come in this space.”

Billy now has the tools to be able to deal with situations like that today. He has had to tell his bro’s not to bring drugs to his house because he will no longer be in that world. That if they want to see him they can come over for a cuppa tea and a biscuit.

“Even now my own brothers roll up and ask what’s wrong with me, and if I wanna puff. I’m just like aye do you wanna keep me down there?

Do you like me having no family? Coz that’s what that world done for me. Do you like me beating people down and smashing people over just for you to be able to smoke drugs? Don’t you like me being happy? Can’t you see my whānau is happy and loves me today? Then he just got in his car and left.”

“I’ve done the Destiny’s, I’ve done the man-up, that’s what you gotta do. Create your own – grab that one, have a look at it, that suits this,

grab on to what makes your iwi strong and let the rest go. The knowledge I have is not for me to keep and hold, it’s for me to share with everyone, so everyone gets their māmās and pāpā’s back” Billy says the blessings that come with getting clean buzzes him out, and that his biggest blessing is his whānau being happy around him.

Billy reckons his happy ever after now looks like staying at home, being a good dad and mowing his lawns.

“I remember the first time my niece said to me ‘Love you Uncle!’ and I was like ‘Aye, far haven’t heard that before…love you too niece!”

I just thought to myself “far is that a real word coming out of your mouth Billy dog!”

But now he says, this thing is bigger than him and his whānau.

“People from Ōpōtiki heard about us and wanted to start their own roopu. We told them come and grasp the idea and take it away with you, and just do with it as you may.

However you do it, just do it.

Like we did, we just grabbed the idea and that was us

away, we weren’t waiting for anyone.” do with it as you may. However you do it, just do it. Like we did, we just grabbed the idea and that was us away, we weren’t waiting for anyone.”

Looking back, Billy says it wasn’t until he got clean that he realized that it was his own decision and choice to pick up the pipe. Now Billy works alongside other gangs.

He goes as a ranatira of the mongrel mob into the black power space to collaborate and kōrero about how to keep their kids safe, and what actions are needed to

keep our whānau away from methamphetamine. Because at the end of the day he says, our toto is still the same.

“It’s about our people. Keep our people strong. We lose our mana to meth, how do we enhance the mana of others so they stay clean? How we do that is by showing care and supporting our whānau, you gotta let them do their mahi otherwise they lean on you too much. It is hard work but it’s gotta be done. My babe can’t keep me clean only I can do that. We don’t let each other fall around here, we solid. Tūhoe bei – we out!”

Happy and healthy Billy with his son Matatahi aged 12, taken at a sports day in 2020.