The Telescope 44.17.1

Monday, April 1, 1991

Vol. 3, No.1

Free!

"IT WALKS, IT TALKS ·AND IT GOES ABOVE AND BEYOND THE DUTIES OF AN ASG OFFICER!"

Col.lege president turns burgermeister after buying local fast food joint!

S~nds

burgers to troops in Persian Gulf!

Cafeteria goes directly to the source for milk supply It's an udderly incredible idea!

,

•

PESKY GHOSTS WREAK HAVOC, RESHELVE BOOKS AT LIBRARY!

R SCANDA '• MOTORCYCLE MAMA & EDITOR FAI(E KIDNAPPING FOR MONEY!

BOGGS GOES BURGER CRAZY! COLLEGE PRESIDENTi'B UYS LOCAL BURGER JOINT, SENDS FOOD TO TROOPS '

.

By ROMAN KOENIG

"I owed it to the troops. I wanted to show them my support by doing this," exclaimed an enthusiastic Dr. George Boggs about the first thing he did after purchasing a local fast-food institution.

:. . .:::.-z:~1/;.:.-.

The college president-turned-burger entrepreneur bought the "George Burgers" restaurant on Las Posas in January and changed the name to "George Boggs Burgers."

"It was for sale. The price was right. And I wanted to enter the food business with a passion," continued Boggs, who made it his frrst order of business to send 17 5,000 hamburgers to hungry troops in the Persian Gulf.

"It was quite an achievement to . - - - - - - - - - - - have all of the employees at my truly delicious," commented new business put out all of those Boggs. "It satisfies the most disburgers," said a very pleased criminating tastes."

Boggs. "It just warmed my heart to Perhaps the most popular burger see all of my new employees work is the "Palomar Burger," which so hard." comes on a honey roll with a 'P' In just two short weeks George burned into the top. Also included Boggs Burgers produced the ham- are "Palomar Pickles," which are burgers. In fact, Boggs himself crinkle-cut and pickled in a special spent his weekends helping his sauce of red wine vinegar and workers. tobasco sauce.

"Frying burgers is great fun," Also on the menu is the "Satel- STANDING PROUD- Boggs exclaimed Boggs. "It may be hard work, but it's definitely reward- lite Burger," which has a quarter stands in front of his new ing! pound patty on a small bun and a eating establishment.

"You know, it's funny. I liken the employees over at my place to the troops in that they worked so hard for a cause," he continued.

Boggs said that he and his employees feel like one big family.

He attributes this to the fact that some of the cafeteria workers here at Palomar have joined forces with Boggs over at the restaurant One of those is Eve Borrego.

"Working at his shop on weekends is just full of fun because he and his other employees are so wonderful," Borrego enthusiastically told The Tellascoop.

Over the last few months Boggs has been developing a myriad of burger varieties to tantalize taste buds.

Boggs prides himself the most on the "President's Burger," which has American cheese, the regular condiments such as lettuce and tomato, and a special "Presidential Plum Sauce," which is similar to the plum sauce found in Chinese dishes but with a little more spice.

All of this comes on a Kaiser roll in the shape of alO-gallon Stetson cowboy hat "It's quite unusual in taste, but

blue toothpick with yellow frizzies at the top end. This creates a burger which looks like a flying saucer.

Last but not least is the "Governing Board Burger."

"This our 'no frills' burger," explained Boggs. "It's plain and simple and has no fancy touches to cover up the natural taste of the meat, lettuce and tomato. It's perfect for those who have to make budget cuts!"

"WORKING AT HIS SHOP ON WEEKENDS IS JUST FULL OF FUN!H -Eve Borrego

For those who are vegetarians, there is the "Arboretum Burger," which has a patty made of soya bean and fallafel topped with sprouts, salt-free ketchup, "Palomar Pickles" and a special dressing made from edible herbs found in the Arboretum.

Boggs is looking forward to the future at his restuarant.

"This is a very exciting thing for me," he concluded. "I someday hope to make enough money off of this enterprise to start franchising.

If that happens, I'll be in hamburger heaven! Watch out In-n-Out!"

BEFORE BOGGS CAME, the restaurant was simply known as "George Burgers."

STUDENT GOVERNMENT ENTERS COMPUTER AGE Suzie Senator joins government team 'You better believe that by the end of the semester each one of you (ASG seantors) ~11 be performing like ROBO SENATOR!' ¡¡Tun Bowen

By LAURA WOOLFREY

Because of the many resignations in the Associated Student Government, Director of Student Activities Jim Bowen has spent many evenings in his basement , designing a clone of the ideal student government representative.

"It walks, it talks and it goes above and beyond the duties of an ASG officer," said Bowen.

cal ASG member. "Welcome to our family," said a teary-eyed Trigas.

ASG Senator Nnambi NnoliJr. expressed concerns about where the money was allocated from for this project. "I have a point of information to clear up with you that I think needs to be discussed about this project that concerns me," Nnoli was saying until he was interupted by ASG senator Erik Johnson. "I motion to please please limit this discussion to 3 minutes," pleaded Johnson.

After the motion was carried, N noli asked, ''Where did you get the money from?"

Bowen replied that the money was ailocated from emergency funds because "something had to be done about this bunch."

According to Bowen, funds for this project were limited so he struck a deal with the metal shop where he received a 50 percent discount on supplies. In return, employees of the metal shop will be able to

Bowen said that this Robo Senator can fulfill all office hours, attend all campus committee meetings and promptly tum in reports without fail.

Bowen insisted that this new "Super Senator" will be a role model to ASG officers.

"You better believe that by the end of this semester each one of you will be performing like ROBO SENATOR!" shouted Bowen to the current student government after unveiling his new creation.

The ASG officers were amazed and as the crowd gazed on speechlessly, ASG President Sean Nix stood up and objected.

"She was not elected by the students!" protested Nix. However, therestofthe crowd simply sat with their mouths dropped in awe as they watched Bowen fire up the new senator.

"Hi, my name is Suzie Senator and I will second that motion," said Robo Senator.

An enraged Senator Tim Platt challenged 'SUZIE SENATOR,' an invention of Student Activities Director Jim Bowen Bowen, questioning him about Suzie (right), was introduced to the student government at their January retreat.

Senator's qualifications. "Tell us what classes she is taking," demanded Platt. "I bet she is not even enrolled," he accused.

Bowen proudly announced that Suzie Senator is currently enrolled with 25 units. have access to Suzie Senator on the weekAccording to Bowen, her schedule includes ends. Said Bowen, "It's a good deal for classes such as Human Sexuality and Soci- them. She is very efficient.'~ Bowen said he got the idea after receivology. "She still has a lot to learn about our ing pressure from his secretary Marylin kind," said Bowen.

Bowen said that "his baby" can also Lunde to encourage ASG officers to become Wing has also been cited for her unusual

By DARREN ANE steps to save water and came under fire after exceed the minimum requirement of a 2.0 more responsible. "Perhaps Suzie Senator In order to combat the water crisis an incident at last Tuesday's board meeting. grade point average. "Hopefully, Suzie can even teach our bright young represenin California, some of the Governing Four board members collapsed during the Senator will set a good example for those tatives to make their own photo copies," Board members have taken some meeting and were rushed to the Health Cen- who can't keep a 'C' average," said Bowen. said a hopeful Lunde.

Bowen said he is confident that Robo Although some ASG officers expressed highly publicized and controversial ter. It was later discovered that the tea Wing had served at the meeting was made from some reservations concerning the robotic Senator will have a positive impact on the steps to change their personal habits reclaimed, or "gray," water. wonder, Senator Laine Trigas said she feels enthusiasm of ASG officers. "A little comof using water.

Board member Harold Scofield has also differently. "I have a lot of confidence in petition goes a long way," said Bowen, These changes have stirred a substan- been caught doing some unusual things to Suzie," said Trigas turning to the mechani- smiling gleefully. tial amount of controversy and have save water. On March 19 Scofield was splashed the board members private caught making Koolaid from water out of lives all over the headlines. Some school the drinking fountains at school.

"My kids drink the stuff like fish," he officials are concerned that the board The events depicted in this issue of The Tellascoop are members have taken their changes too exclaimed. He said he had already been entirely contrived. None of this material reflects in any way levied a special fee by the county for too far. the character or actions of any persons cited in this One of the changes that has probably much water use at home.

Hughes is yet another board member that caused the biggest stink was the decision by publication. All events are fabricated. This issue is to be used two board members to regulate their personal has been caught doing some things considsolely for the entertainment of the student body and faculty hygiene. Board members are limiting their ered to be odd. Two weeks ago on March 17, Hughes was seen taking a bubble bath in the shower time to two times a week. Conseof Palomar College. quently, Nancy Wing, President Dr. George campus pool. The incident is still in dis-

'HI, MY NAME IS SUZIE SENATOR AND I WILL SECOND THAT MOTION!'

A WATERY SITUATION Governing Board members change PERSONAL WATER HABITS

In all seriousness folks ...

Boggs' administrative technician who keeps the minutes at the board meetings, has changed her seating arrangements.

c~~o~bman~~desou~esaidth~she ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

will be expected to clean the Calgon out of the filters herself.

Tellascoop April 1, 1991

3

Palomar 'P' Boggles Brain Is 'P' jLJsT A NATLJAL p~ENOMENA? Elvis PREsLEy WoRs~ip ~iLL? ALiEN DEposiTs? How AboLJT LJpsidEdowN sATANic 'd'?

BRAIN BOGGLED STUDENTS, local residents, and so-called scientists wonder in complete, dumbfounded amazement at the amazing 'P' on the Palomar College mountainside. Some theorize that it is a sign from Elvis Presly, or a site for devil worship.

By RON CHATHAM Local scientists announced last week the discovery of a large letter "P" branded onto the hillside behind Palomar college.

They do not know the significance of the find but they were excited.

"It's quite large," said Dr. Phil M. Whitmore.

"I'm kind of surprised that nobody noticed it before."

The origin of the "P" is largely unknown but scientists do believe that it is a natural phenomenon.

The scientists believe that the "P" is just an unusually shaped lime deposit because of the large amounts of lime that were discovered at the site, but the locals in the area are skeptical of this explanation.

Area residents believe that there is a more plausible explanation for the strange find. They claim that

ships from outer space appeared one night and branded the letter onto the hill with high-powered lasers. Mr. N. T. Bright described the event "These big ships appeared in the sky. They were all brightly lit and sort of looked like Goodyear blimps. All of a sudden, the sky lit up like a Christmas tree. I saw these giant lasers carving the hillside. I couldn't believe my eyes."

When asked what he thought the sign meant he answered convinced, "Well it's obviously a tribute to Elvis Presley ... you know, P for Presley."

Other residents concur with Bright stating that the number of UFO sigh rings has increased in the

area.

Local resident Misty Bus, was very upset with the scientists and their findings. "Well I'm highly offended by these uppity scientists

and their poohucky claims. I've been a resident here for 30 years and lord if there was a big giant P there before I 'most certainly would have noticed. These scientists must really think we're stupid."

Not all believe the Elvis story, however. One group claims that the "P" is really a small letter "d" upside-down and stands for "devil". They also claim that it is only one of three that were found.

One member, who wishes to remain nameless, explains. "The letter is not a Pit's aD, man, and it like stands for the devil, man, and like doom and destruction and death. The three are arranged in a triangle totally encompassing Palomar in its death grip ... the end is near, man."

He went on to explain that this was the reason so many students disappear during the first two weeks of the semester.

Howling Discovery: Instructor Dennis O'Neal proudly shows the remains of a werewolf he found near the cafeteria last week.

MAJOR SCANDAL,!

MOTORCYCLE MAMA AND EDITOR USE BOGUS KIDNAPPING ATTEMPT TO STEEL NEWSPAPER'S MONEY! TERRIFIED STAFF MEMBERSTellascoop staffers In panic watching the bogus incident.

By AMELIA BOWLES

A terrified staff at The Tellescoop was witness to a bizarre incident that occurred at the newsroom this morning.

According to an on-looker, "this crazed woman, dressed in leather and chains, with a punk rock hairstyle, just ran up the alley and burst into our office and kidnapped our beloved Editor-in-Chief Chester Cribbs."

One staff member said the women was the leader of a motorcycle club here on campus and that she thought she went by the name 'Insane Chaine', butwasn'texactlysure. Sources later revealed thatherrealname is Winifred P. Smyth, daughter of oil magnate Edward S. Smyth.

Three hours after the incident occurred the staffreceived a ransom note demanding $4 million in unmarked bills and a promise that her motorcycle club will receive full coverage in the paper. "We are all in shock. It's is horrifying that this has happened. I am so upset that I flunked my math test be-

cause of it," Randy White.

However, is was revealed later in the day that it was not a real kidnapping. According to Campus Patrol and an undercover reporter from the Tellescoop, they found out that the two were really lovers and had been having a torrid love affair after hours in the staff office.

"This is a blatant attempt to extort money and the staff will not go along with it," exclaimed the undercover reporter. "I have pictures to prove what I said is true. I caught them just before they left on her motorcycle giving the high five sign to each other. They were even smiling."

The staff is now in utter chaos, said one reporter. They can' t believe that their beloved editor-inchief would do such a thing. "He is such a mild mannered man. It's just not like him. For someone who I don't think ever had a date, what would he ever see in that wild...nasty ... well you know what I mean," said a sobbing Priscilla Long, a longtime staffer.

Campus Patrol will try to find the two and bring them to justice, but rumor has it that the two have fled to Iraq.

CALLING OUT TO HIS COLLE OR HELP- Tellascoop editor Chester Cribbs gives a frightened cry as he is taken off by his captor. It was later found that the whole incident was a sham.

POLTERGEISTS HAUNT PALOMAR LIBRARY! Pesky ghosts are thought to have come from an old convelescent hospital!

By TRACY WILSON "An apparition actually started helping me shelve books," said an amazed Bonnie Corzine, Public Service Librarian, referring to the increased sightings of ghosts and poltergeists in Palomar College's Library. "They spend their time reading books.

The doors to the library don't even close because a fewofthem like the fresh air!"

But Corzine is not the only librarian who has sightings. Psychic doctor hired by the district to investigate the situation, Dr. Mulligan, claims that these pesky poltergeists are to blame for a rash of health 'symptoms felt by library staff. These include uncontrollable screaming, breaking out in fright-

ened sweats, smelling weird odors, suffering from severe headaches and the feeling of being constantly followed.

"Some librarians feel that the headaches may be the results of well-meaning ghosts dropping books on their heads," said Mulligan.

Some librarians don't see the visitors as so "well-meaning."

"They eat your lunch sometimes," said Alex Thritzkxas, Public Service Librarian, "And they like to take the books out of order."

According to Buildings and Grounds Director Mike Ellis, the library is built on the site of an old convalescent hospital. "The fumes the library staff often smells may simply be a ghostly version of Ben

Gay," said Ellis, "I think that the ghosts are just trying to make the library feel like 'home"' Dan Hannon, Public Service Librarian, says that he feels that the ghosts are slowing down work in the library. "We all start to hear classical music," said Hannon, "Before we know what's happening, we all grab a pair of scissors and start making paper dolls out of book pages."

Dr. Mulligan said that dollmaking is very relaxing and so may be actually a benefit to the health of the library staff.

"I think the ghosts are good for staff morale," said Dr. Star Moon, Director of Metaphysical Studies, "They're great company; willing to help out and like to do arts and crafts. So they drop a few books;

who ever said that the afterlife was perfect?"

Mulligan agrees saying, "After collecting my statistical data, I've come to the conclusion that these ghosts may actually help relax library staff. If the administration learns to use the undead's book stacking and office skills properly, they may be able to cut down on library staff as well."

'THE APPARITION ACTUALLY STARTED HELPING ME SHELVE BOOKS!' - BONNIE CORZINE

..

Mummified Cat comes to life and terrorizes students!

By AMELIA BOWLES

Yesterday a freak accident sent the professor and students of Palomar's animal mummery class shrieking in bloody horror from the classroom!

According to Professor Irana Kennel, who has a PhD in animal mummifying, a student accidently dropped a vile of flea dip onto a 100-year-old cat that the student was examining.

"The cat was a rare species (Tabbythia non--gratis-felonious) found only in the foothills of Palomar mountain,'' said Kennel.

According to student Alicia Peterson, she accidently spilled the flea dip, which caused a chemical reaction that brought the cat to life.

"It was horrible,'' she said. "The cat became a huge raging beast and just started trashing the lab.''

Another student agreed with her.

"This animal or what ever you want to cail it, just came at us. It killed several students with one swoop of its paw. This cat was enormous."

When Campus Patrol came upon

the scene, one officer described it as "looking like WWII. There was blood everywhere and several mutilated bodies. The students that were alive were screaming and crying. I've never seen anything like it before!''

Campus Patrol remarked that the cat is still at large. The description they gave was the cat has smelly,

'THE STUDENTS THAT WERE ALIVE WERE SCREAMING AND CRYING. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE!'

'It was a bloody mess in there.

I'm surprised that anyone lived through it at all!' matted fur, large yellow eyes and tremendous, extremely long fangs and claws. It weighs approximately 400 lbs and is¡about 7 feet high.

Anyone who spots it is asked not to try and capture it as it is pawed and dangerous. Call Campus Patrol or Professor Kennel immediately.

"I feel very badly about this whole incident. However, every student in my class knows that cats, even mummified ones, and flea dip do not mix,'' said Kennel

is helped to safety after being swapped at by the mummified cat. RIGHT: The cat just before it awoke from what was thought to be its eternal slumber.

Cafeteria offers a sumptuous new product 'IT'S A WHOLE NEW CONCEPT IN STAYING HEALTHY'

By AMELIA BOWLES

The cafeteria at Palomar College today announced a new item on it's menu: Organic milk!

Chef Bruce Holstein said "thal there has been a growing need for students to drink organic milk.''

The staff is so excited about this, said Judy Eberhart, wellness specialist II. "It's a whole new concept in staying healthy,'' she added.

6

Tellascoop April 1,1991

Just think, instead of students having to deal with milk cartons, they'll get it right from the source. Even though it may sound udderly ridiculous, the cafeteria has made a deal with the local dairy, Yollanda, to provide pumps that will be installed in the cafeteria.

These pumps will have tubes that will go directly to the cows and all the student will have to do is turn on the switch and insert a glass under the nozzle. Presto, fresh organic milk, with no chemicals i,n it.

"The only draw back is that milk can only be obtained at 5 a.m. or 6 p.m. as that's the only time a cow will allow herself to be milked,'' mooed Holstein.

However she believes that the students won't mind as they usually party untif the cows come home anyway and will still be up at that time of day.

IT'S UDDERLY INCREDIBLE! The cafeteria has employed cows to produce fresh, unproce_ssed, organic milk directly to students.

}!ou~ f-lo~oscope

BY MADAMES CHRIS AND JENNIFER, THE SWAMI SISTERS

ARIES

TAURUS

Mar. 21-Apr. 19

Apr. 20- May 20

You have experienced a complexion breakdown. It is best if you avoid all reflections of yourself, and do not go out in the sun. Those powerful UV rays will damage your tender acne problem. In fact to avoid any self-inflicted embarrassment, stay indoors until your face clears up.

Relax, it won't take long. Justa week or, at the most, two. Big deal, it is not like your social life will suffer. What social life?

Do not be so quick to judge others as they are judging you. Remember what goes around comes around and it is definitely coming around to you this month. And boy do you deserve it. All those crappy things you did to people last month, like stealing your friend's mate and them giving them a visit to the clinic, will be your downfall this month. So be on your best behavior and take what you deserve.

Cheer up, there are only 30 days this month.

(

GEMINJ

CANCER

VIRGO

May 21-June 20

June 21-July 22

July 23- Aug. 22

'Aug. 23- Sept. 22

I really feel sorry for all the poor slobs born to this most confused sign. The perpetual bickering of the selves has got to get old. Take this day and treat both of the demented souls which inhabit but one body. Try a little relaxation. Can the battles of the self cease in a quiet arena?

Try a bubble bath or a walk on the beach.

As for the small scurrying rodents that have been distracting you of late, interspecies relationships are not recommended in this phase. Perhaps when Pluto aligns with Mars the chances for success with the rodent population will increase.

Hang in there! When you are down there is only one way to go. Up! And there is a definite tum of events happening for you this month. A person from your past fmds their way back into your life and takes you for a walk down memory lane. This short trip back in time reminds you how horrible your life was before, and that anything is better then it was before. Don't you feel better already?

Do not be fooled by the animalistic nature of this sign. You are not the ruler of the jungle. In fact, you are not the ruler of anything, especially yourself. But there is always room for change (in your case a lot.) Start standing up for yourself and what you believe in . If you don't believe in anything, make something up, and show people that you are the boss.

Do not relay on others to give you your feeling of self-worth because you will only be let down. You do not have as many people in your routing section as you thought. It is time to comes to terms with yourself and what you were put on this earth to do. So far you have not succeeded in accomplishing anything worth while and time is running out.

Nobody likes a failure, especially if they are unaware that they are failing.

LIBRA

,_

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN

Sep. 23-0ct. 22

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Your calm, measuring personality needs a transfusion. Try on this day to throw caution to the wind, say what the@#$%* ! Join the party of life that you are otherwise missing. Yes, I know, you'll think about it. Maybe that's why your significant other is giving you the has ta-la byebye. One minor detail, if it hasn't happened, know that it will. With the wanning of the moon the chances increase for Dday. That's dumping day to you.

The hot blood cursing through your body is once again about to send you to the rubber room, or the clinic. Your passions will indeed wear you out, no matter how much WD-40 you indulge in. Sounds fun.

However, you are running the risk of a stroke. And the disease you are cultivating with your new lubricant doesn't have a cure as of yet. Take my advice, give it a rest. Your partners will appreciate it. Go for a walk with a Gemini and think cerebral thoughts. Think what?

For those of you unlucky enough to be born under this sign, your otherwise mundane existence does have a glimmer of hope. Today I hope you do not drain the blood from your slow-moving arteries.

Another day is best for the suicide attempt.

Because of the planetary positions, you are in luck. For the fust week of this month make use of this lucky time. Don't study for those tests, the planets tell me that all will go smoothly. If you want to play Lotto, now is the time. Take all of your parents' savings.

That tickle you have been feeling in the back of your throat, your upper lip or that most private area, is what you fear. Your typical paranoia needs reinforcement. Go to the Clinic immediately. When you find the virus is for life, a seek and destroy mission is in order. Your orderly mind is ready to plan and execute a most devious and deadly revenge. Use your energy wisely. Toward the end of the month this negative energy will have run its course.

With the demise of those who wronged you, life can return to normal.

If your birthday is today ...

APRIL 1, 1991

Happy Birthday Fool!!! When you were born, you mother and father thought you were the best joke of the maternity wing. But you have found out through the years that having your birthday today has been an advantage. For instance, you can parkin any parking spot on campus and treat the ticket as a joke. The bills you receive can be perceived as another prank. Or the collection agency letter about your new car would be a big laugh. If you believe this, you are the biggest fool!

The stars this mor.th shows that you will be laughing while popping Rolaids after your peanut butter pizza lunch (your favorite dish) and then spend the evening alone watching reruns of Gilligans Island on your special bean-bag.

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Jan. 20- Feb.18

Feb. 19-Mar. 20

As a sucker for punishment, a glutton for the phony charms of others, you are once again entering the danger zone. Beware, open your eyes before you kiss that thing.

Do you need glasses, or what? It is amazing that you manage to make it in this society. With your materialistic tendencies and your inability to distinguish truth and honesty, you should be kept away from all media influences. A cave would be a great place for you to inhabit this month. Don't take the whips with you.

You are becoming obsessed with your new-found outside interests this month.

Do not neglect your mate because they will not wait around for long. You need to find ways to include your mate in your new activities, or find a new mate. It is great to have other hobbies but remember, you can not take them to bed. You are headed for some lonely nights if you do not re-organize your sadly, confused pribrities.

Te!lascoop April 1 , 1991

7

LIBRARY WORKERS mug for the camera during preparatiOn for the lnooming SCUD missile.

SCUDS SCOUR , OM •

By RON CHATHAM

through tbe parking lot and exploded just before hitting the library.

Library workers wasted no time in donning their gas masks nonnally kept around in the event of a student protest.

Librarian Linda Saunders could hardly compose herself as she told about the inci-

A top secret Pentagon report reveals a SCUD missile that was deflected by patriot missiles was not destroyed. The missile flew dent •'I was arranging books on the back several thousand miles and shelves when I heard this terrible sound landed on Palomar's campus. from outside. The building began to shake Very little damage was caused and a big Hemmingway novel fell off the by the missile as plunged its way shelf, hit me on the head and knocked me

out. I guess I woke up just after the explosion •.. there were books all over the place but nobody was burt, thank God.t' Fred Williams was in the parking lot when the incident ocurred.

"It was rad, I mean other than the destruction and all. ,Like dude, I'm in the parking lot trying to get one of little those parking stickers off'a this Buick when I see this missile. Like it's coming toward the parking lot so I start to jam. It piled into this Ford Pinto and I think that's what caused the explosion ... dude."

Chemical gas permeated throughout the campus but there were no serious casualties and only a few reported cases of headaches and nausea.

has automatic overdrive and a built-in computerized reptile-locating radar system. This system can locate and identify any reptile within a five mile radius, including the various Rattlesnakes, pythons, and an enlarged and poisonous Gardener snake.

begin their conquest of the snake population after the spring break. "Dude, we got some knarly plans over the break," said Sanchez

A spokesperson for the library stated that headaches and nausea were "pretty much an everyday thing for them."

Palomar administrators offered no comments about the incident but did state, jokingly, that they would hold off any retaliatory strikes.

Cftf\PUS PftTR 0 L G0 ES SLITHERING °FF-R 0 ftD

By TODD ANDERSON Due to an influx of snakes in the hills behind Palomar College, Campus Patrol has invested in a new off-road vehicle to help control the epidemic.

One report by a Palomar student described several hundred snakes slithering along the perimeter road around Palomar heading toward the football field.

Once there, the snakes proceeded to dig several large holes in the middle of the field forno apparent reason. No injuries occurred to the soccer players who were using the field at the time of the incident, but after the center of the field caved-in from the holes, Campus Patrol was forced to respond.

"We sent two patrols on Jan. 14, to investigate the reports," said Boyd Mahan, Campus Patrol supervisor, "we lost two electric carts and a walkie-talkie to the

------------------1 Tellascoop

8

April 1, 1991

community of snakes."

According to reports filed by the investigating officers, the officers left their carts on the dirt road above lot 9, to approach the snakes on-foot. Once the officers were about a hundred yards away from the carts, the officers were ambushed by a herd a snakes.

The officers escaped the ambush and retreated to their carts, only to find the carts engulfed by a swarm of 15 foot pythons.

The officers were forced to flee for their lives by running nearly two miles along the dirt path back to lot 9, where they were rescued by a driver in a disabled students cart.

This is the first time on record in which Palomar has been plagued by snakes. Last year, the only other incident occurred in which the Palomar Dome was attacked by a giant gopher.

To combat the onslaught of snakes, Campus Patrol has invested $15,000 in a new anti-snake vehicle.

The new vehicle, the ElectriCrusher, is a four-wheel drive electric powered cart, which

Campus Patrol has called-in two experts in snake extermination, to operate the new vehicle. Scott "the Cobra" Lee, will drive the the ElectriCrusher and will be aided by Rick "Bone Crushing" Sanchez, who was the 1990 national snake channing champion.

"It's a helluva vehicle," said Lee, upon the new carts arrival and maiden drive in the hills behind Palomar. Lee and Sanchez will

Mahan said he believes the vehicle will prove to be a worthy investment and will be practical after the snake problem has ended.

"We can use the cart to rescue students and their cars if we ever have heavy rains again, like the ones that halted activity at Palomar two weeks ago," said Mahan. "If nothing else, we can enter the cart in the Mickey Thomas off-road grand-prix at the Sports Arena," he said, "we've got a pretty good chance of winning that because of the lightness of the cart,"