The Telescope 42.17

RALPH NADER CHOKES ON CAFETERIA TACO I

BOGGS GROWS TWO HEADS

CAMPUS ANNUAL

TELLASCOOP April 1, 1989

Free!

Vol.42, No. l7

"NOW WE HAVE TWIC~ THE MAN," SAYS GOVERNING BOARD

Toxic terror has eating binge -12 students munched!

Possessed press squooshes printer to a pulp!

20-MI·LLION YEAR-OLD BEAST IS TEACHER'S PETBIOLOGY PROF'S OWN STORY! Federal government wants to buy Palomar landmark 'I want the 'P' ,' says Bush!

ASG MERCENARIES!

FORMER STUDENT GOV. OFFICERS SEIZE POWERCURRENT MEMBERS RUN FOR HEIR LIVES!

~~

GHOST OF FAMED ROCK STAR APPEARS IN BATHROOM!

Alien craft mistakes Dome as - - ·=-· ··-

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-

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ship!

By JEFF TUTTLE

"The most awsome, terrifying thing I ever saw," is how Palomar Cutlery Science major Honcho Dubois described the events of last Wednesday night. Dubois was walking across campus around 10:30 p.m., heading toward his scooter following a late lab.

"That' s when I heard this noise coming from over by the gym," recalled Dubois. "It sounded like, well, sort of like a jackhammer in a swimming pool."

Dubois then looked towards Meyer's field where he saw a "blueish silvery disc" hovering directly over top the Dome.

As the craft hovered, a long silver tentacle shot out from underneath the craft and smacked into the top of the

Dome with a thud, according to Dubois.

"It kept pulling this silver thing up and down, like it was looking for a place to stick it in," said Dubois. "After a few tries, it started to shake and spin, then it made a noise that sounded like putting rocks in a blender," continued the stunned spoon specialist. "When it couldn't get that silverthingwhereitwantedit, the top of the ship, or whatever it was, began to swell up. It looked like a giant Jiffy-Pop." Dubois goes on to say that the. craft then bathed the dome in an intense orange light. A few sec-

In all seriousness folks ...

The events depicted in this issue of The Tellascoop are entirely contrived. None of this material reflects in any way the character or actions of any persons cited in this publication. All events are fabricated. This issue is to be used solely for the entertainment of the student body and faculty of Palomar College.

2

April1, 1989, Tellascoop

onds later the front doors of the gym flew open, and all sorts of athletic equipment began flying out at incredible speeds. His recollection ends there rather abruptly, however, as he was knocked unconcious by a soccer ball which might have killed him had he not been wearing his scooter helmet.

Dubois says he awoke several hours later listening to the haunted strains ofElvis Presley's "Are you lonesome tonight?" which seemed to eminate from the top of the flagpole in front of the Student Center.

It seems the frustrated alien

vehicle then vented its rage on a nearby moblie home park, ripping several of the pre-fabricated dwellings from their pads and sending them flying off into the night. Mrs. Odetta Thunkridge, a park resident who slept through the entire ordeal, says she 'II leave her trailer on the mountainside where it landed "because the view is so much nicer up here!"

A link between this and similar happenings at Walt Disney's Epcot Center has not been officially established, but the Air Force has sectioned off the areas and is continuing its investigation, the results of which will

never be released to the public, according to a truly frightened Air Force spokesman.

MEZMERIZED Honcho Dubois witnessed the terrifying account.

Taco taste test gags Ralph Nader

By FRED TRACEY

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader nearly choked to death on a soft taco he bought at the Comet Express last week while touring the campus.

Governing Board member Dr. Robert Dougherty performed the Heimlich manuver on Nader, dislodging the taco from Nader's throat.

After the incident, Nader promised to sue the

college and Dougherty who broke three of Nader's ribs while doing the Heimlich.

"This is an outrage!" Nader screamed while horrified members of the Governing Board stood by. "I wouldn't even serve this food to prisoners!"

Nader will take the Palomar district to small claims court.

"I am taking this matter before the "People's Court," Nader said referring to the popular television show. "Justice will prevail in this travisty! "

Boggs grows two heads!

By LARRY BOISJOLIE

When Dr. George R. Boggs awoke Tuesday morning he was beside himself. When the superintendent/president of Palomar College woke up to go to work he had two heads!

Experts are perplexed over 'We have two how the weird phenomenon came to be, but Governing superintendent/ Board members are ecstatic presidents for over the mutation.

"Now we have two superintendent/presidents for the price of one," said Board member Dr. Robert Dougherty. "We literally have twice the man."

Boggs first noticed his other half after checking into Student Health Services to be treated for a "splitting headache."

"When I saw him I didn 'tknow whether or not to double his dose of aspirin," said Director of Student Health Services Clarice Hankins.

After noticing the reactions of the clinic's nurses, Boggs looked into a mirror. Witnesses say he was upset for only wearing one hat to school.

Administrative Secretary

the price of one ... we Iiterally have twice the man' Joyce Harris says it's business as usual with her two-headed boss.

"It gets confusing sometimes when Dr. Boggs dictates memos," said Harris. "He frequently argues with himself over his choice of words."

According to friends, Boggs is entertaining the thought of a new career move. "He is toying with the idea of representing Doublemint gum," said a close buddy.

DURING A recent Governing Board meeting, Dr. Boggs holds his new head up high.

For the most part, Boggs' mysterious transformation is looked upon favorably by friends and coworkers alike.

Governing Board President Barbara Hughes is one co-worker who is pleased with the new Boggs.

"I've heard the old adage that two heads are better than one, now I know it is true," said Hughes Ben Echeverria of the Board also echoes his approval. "He (Boggs) was good before ... he's even better now!"

But not all are happy about the

By KAREN HEIDE

BESIDE HIMSELF, it's business as usual tor the unsink¡ able Dr. Boggs.

The nightmare is finally over for Marine Biology Instructor Lester Knapp and the Field Studies class which accompanied him to the Sea of Cortez during Spring Break.

The terror began the second night at sea. The group had just settled on deck to watch the sunset when noises were heard off the starboard side of the boat.

transformed superintendent/ president.

Harvey Williamson of the Governing Board thinks an extra head is just two much to deal with.

"I don' t know which head to address when I'm talking to him ... uh ... them," he said. "It's all so confusing!"

Overall the two-headed Boggs seems happy with the change.

When asked about the strange turn of events, one of Boggs' headssaidhewas"verypleased" with his new image. The other head refused comment.

"All was quiet, then suddenly we heard a terrible noise. It sounded like Slim Whitman singing underwater," recounts Knapp. "At first we thought it was a baby whale caught in a trap, but as we got nearer we knew we were wrong."

Further investigation by the crew, who claimed to be completely sober and not suffering from heatstroke, revealed a large sea creature resembling the famous Loch Ness monster swimming 50 feet from the boat.

"It was awful," exclaimed

I

,

DR. BOGGS before the strange turn of events.

Knapp, his eyes growing large. "I have never seen anything like it in all the Marine Biology books."

Scientists, to whom Knapp described the sighting, theorized the event to be a large school of whales swimming in a straight line.

"Poppycock!" declared Knapp in response to that impossible idea.

Knapp will take a leave of absence next fall to return to the Sea of Cortez in search of the monster he now calls "Knapp's Knessie".

FORMER ASG OFFICIALS TAKE OVER GOVERNMENT Former Associated Student Government president Mike James led a successful takeover attempt of the A.S.G. and proclaimed himself absolute dictator during Wednesday's A.S.G. meeting.

All current A.S.G. members were ousted by the coup leaders, who were all former A.S.G. members atone time themselves.

The so-called "James Gang" simply walked into the meeting with AK-47s and ordered the current

A.S.G. members out.

"I was scared at first," said Hance Anderson an A.S.G. member. "But it's o.k. I hope they do a better job than we did."

James was ecstatic about the successful takeover. He and his followers even threw their guns (which were not loaded) into the A.S.G.'s recycling bins to start a new funds system.

"We're here to start a 'new age' of A.S.G. rule," said James,

Harding runs for her life!

Campus gets

mini-golf The initial stages of construction began this week on "Wack-0-Golf," Palomar's new miniature golf course.

The attraction is being funded by unexpected excess Lottery profits. "We just couldn't think of what else to spend the money on," said Michael Gregoryk, Palomar's Assistant superintendent/vicepresident of Financial and Administrative Services.

The course theme will be "the wonders of academia," all departments have been asked to submit ideas for holes. Already under ·construction is the Counseling Department's "Mysteries of Transfer" hole. The golfer must maneuver his ball through an endless maze of paperwork, trying to accumulate units for completing difficult tasks. Course planners warn that it could take up to several years for some players to complete this hole.

The Faculty Senate has agreed to let members with 10-month contracts have first crack at the part-time positions, such as ball-washer and change maker, which will open up when the course is completed.

28. "We're really gonna make waves."

When last seen, all the current ousted A.S .G. members were heading north at a rapid rate on I5 in a campus van.

"Things are really gonna change now," said James. "We will get things done, that's for sure!"

Dr. George Boggs, superintendent/president of Palomar, seemed pleased by the coup.

"I like active students," said Boggs. Boggs' other head refused comment.

The A.S.G. will now be "ruled" by one person, James.

But he will have plenty of help from his cohorts.

"We have plans, you know,"

said James. "We want more student control."

James, a rope-making major (and minor in politics), outlined some of the changes he wants.

"We will appoint a new Student Activities director who will be a student, not a teacher," said James. "Secondly, we'll take over KKSM and make it into a news/talk station. Third, we ' ll take over The Telescope and make it into the next national supermarket tabloid."

James and his friends will have a difficult time putting some of the plans through. But at least the A.S.G . will be more interesting, if nothing else.

- By JOHN ROBERTS

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By MIKE PREVITE

A casino trip sponsored

by Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose and Alpha Gamma Sigma will be leaving next weekend for Las Vegas.

The trip, which leaves Palomar April 7' will cost $12 for singles and $20 for couples.

Rose will accompany all the guests on the chartered Greyhound bus where Rose will administer free tutoring sessions on --.._

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how to gamble effectively and efficiently while staying within your budget means.

Drinks can be purchased on the bus on a two for one deal. Also, the back of the bus will have a roulette wheel and a poker and blackjack table for practice means.

Once in Vegas, Rose will lead you into all the various casinos including the High Sierra, a prominent sports betting spot, where Rose will introduce you to some of the pit bosses, dealers and loan-sharks available for a question and answer session.

The following Saturday after-

noon, Rose will lead the auctioning off of some of his sports memorabilia to the highest bidder. The bat which Rose used to break Ty Cobb's all-time hit rec·~

#

ord will start at $10.

Rose will also show, to those interested, effective ways to signal wagers from numerous locations such as dugouts.

While returning home, Rose, now the not-so-certain Hall of Farner, will lecture on the topics of "Debts: How to Deal With Them" and "Attitudes and Arrogance."

If you find yourself out of control and gambling your kid's or parcynts' inheritance away, you could be suspended for a year from making any future trips to Vegas.

If you're caught turning your kid or spouse into chips, you could be banned from casinos all over the world.

Elvis apparition seen on bathroom wall!

By FRED TRACEY

Two students stood in shock as an apparition of Elvis Presley appeared on the wall of the bathroom in the SU wing. This is the third occurrence this week involving the ghost of Elvis.

"I was shocked!" said student Kevin Etienne, after Elvis appeared in the bathroom. "Beau and I were on our way to class when we heard 'Kentucky Rain' coming from one of the urinals."

The students discovered the king of rock 'n roll on the bathroom's wall. "Elvis asked forapeanutbutterandjellysandwich then just disappeared," student Beau Williams said.

Thisisonlyoneofmanyhauntings by Elvis. The college denies the sightings and blames them on rampant drug usage by students.

"We feel the students are concocting the sightings," said Palomar spokesman Mike Norton.

"The students are protesting the prices in the cafeteria."

But recently students are not the only ones reporting sightings.

Graphic Communications Instructor Liz Pinter said she was working late one night on her Macintosh computer when Elvis' suddenly appeared on the computer's screen.

"Well, I didn't think much of it," Pinter said. "I was never an Elvis fan."

On other occasions Elvis has been heard over the computerized telephone system singing "Love Me Tender." Business services spokesperson Pat Farris said she was unaware that the voice of Elvis was available as an accessory to the telephone system.

Development Foundation employee Beda Farrell reported Elvis' appearance at the opening night of "Drood" in a tuxedo. _,. Farrell also said that Elvis might

have even appeared in the production taking over the part of the chairman played by Kevin Mann. "lfelta sudden urge to belt out 'Heartbreak Hotel,"' said Mann following the opening night performance. "My hips started to contort during one of the numbers and I almost fell into the orchestra pit."

During a Concert Hour last Thursday, music professor Joe Stanford was invaded by the irJ _¡ __ ghost of Elvis during a recital. 14 Instead of singing an aria from "Barber of Seville" as planned, Stanford began to sing "Blue Suede Shoes" in Elvis' voice.

Stanford was led away to Student Health Services shouting for peanut butter and jelly sandwichestobedeliveredtohishotel room in Memphis.

"I have never seen Joe so excited," said co-worker David Chase. "But his vibrato was ELVIS WAS HERE claims students Kevin Etienne and Beau Williams. pretty good." in an attempt to explain the apCafeteria worker MacDonald singing "Jailhouse Rock."

The clock tower has been pearancesofElvis' said the ghost A parapsychologist brought to heard ringing-out with "Viva Las said he was cleaning up the of the King may have been drawn the campus last week by the Vegas" at the close of the work- grease vats after a lunch rush to campus by the 'P.' Associated Student Government when he heard the voice of Elvis day.

1-----------_...JL..,__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _L-------------J-----------

ByMINAMONFARED ''It was the most awful experience in the world, to think that they actually used my mind and my body for their purposes makes me sick," says Fanny Flintstone, an ex-Palo-

mar student. Flintstone and other captives were part of a hideous conspiracy to improve Palomar College grounds now unveiled by detectives and FBI agents.

Michael Gregoryk, Assistant SuperintendentNice President

for Finance and Administrartive Services and Buildings and Grounds officials are suspected of actually putting several Palomar students under a hypnotic spell and using them to do hard labor on Sundays and holidays.

The key witness was a brave

STUDENT ZOMBIES do groundwork in the Life Sciences area.

sanitation worker who saw the tranced students on his way to the men's room. "There were these zombies shoveling the dirt by the science areas, and they all seemed to be in rhythm. Their eyes looked like it was gonna pop out, like vampires or somethin', so I ran for my life," stated Jim Bob Jones, key witness.

Jones' yelling actually woke up one of the captitives who threw down his shovel and attacked the school officials in charge.

Soon, all the students broke out of their trance and chased the officials with their rakes. According to the police, no one was injured.

"I actually thought we were going on a nature hike, and every time I would get home I would be dead tired and my clothes were drenched with mud. I knew that there was somethi" adds a Palomar student who is too humiliated to reveal his name.

50-foot squirre attacks campu in eating binge

By MIKE PREVITE

It wasn't enough that the Palomar

basketball team was selected to the the 1989 NCAA Tournament, but now they have recorded a series of upsets which includes national powers Georgetown, Oklahoma, and North Carolina.

The Comets, behind an aggressive defense which forced 31 Hoya turnovers, buried Georgetown 86-35 in the tournament quarterfinals.

"We were completely outmanned," said Georgetown coach John Thompson. "They're definitely a power to be reckoned with."

The Comets' held freshman sensation Alonzo Mourning scoreless and with only one rebound.

On one occasion, 5-foot-2 guard Greg Edwards blocked two consecutive shots by the 6-foot-11 Mourning, one while Mourning was preparing to dunk it.

Mourning's counterpart, Lee "Corn on the" Cobb ripped down 27 rebounds along with scoring 33 points.

The Comets shot 92% from the field which came to no surprise to Head Coach Andy Gilmour.''We knew we could beat them. Thery're not so good. Our defense really screwed up, however. We should of held them to under 20 points."

Guard Dave Delaney recorded his seventh triple-double of the season with 22 points, 21 assists, and 10 rebounds for the game. Delaney will be a first round draft choice next year and most likely will go to the Miami Heat of the NBA. Palomar (31-0) made the tournament with 28 victories while going undefeated in community college play.

The Comets are the sixteenth seed in the East regional.

"We should have been number one, man. Nobody can beat us," says forward Deon Coleman.

The Comets have advanced to the semi-finals with impressive victories over fourth-ranked Oklahoma(29-5), 94-17, seventh-ranked North Carolina(25-6),103-22, and thirdranked Georgetown(27-3).

Palomar's semi-final opponent will be the top-ranked team in the nation, the Arizona Wildcats, led by All-American Sean Elliott.

"I don't even think we should show up," says Elliott "They're dominant We don't have a prayer."

Arizona Head Coach Lute Olson expresses some of the same feelings. "We might decide to forfeit to save ourselves the embarrassment. The Los Angeles Lakers would be hardpressed to beat them now."

That opportunity excites the Comets. "Bring them on," says Coleman. "Magic who?"

By LARRY BOISJOLIE

A total of 12 students were eaten and at least 37 more we gnawed last Thursday when a giant 50-foot squirrel roamed t The furry beast came from a toxic-waste dump just south of theca it was relocated in a project last spring.

During its visit, the rampaging rodent ravaged the clock tower and proceeded to dine on the Dome for dessert. Experts believe the squirrel thought the Dome was a giant acorn. The giant squirrel developed a taste for blood after accidentally eating a student.

"I saw one guy trying to feed the thing I knew the guy was gone!" thing some bread crumbs," said a According to eyewitnesses, the witness to the terror. "The squirrel creature then started a feedingtook too big of a bite and the next frenzy, munching on anyoAe

STUDENTS AND STAFF screamed In terror as the savage squirrel a1

s

.,., :re savagely the campus. tmpuswhere

nearby. Soon gnawed bodies littered John Woods' SQUIRREL TERROR hit the campus when a gargantuan ground squirrel wrestling team. attacked Palomar last Thursday. The clock tower, the Dome, and 12 the campus. students were savagely gnawed.

The beast finally retreated when it "I think we proved ' - - - - - - - - - - . , - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 8melled the sweaty bodies of Coach to the squirrel that the team is stronger than enormous size," said Biology Professor

ttacked the campus.

ever this year," said Woods.

Despite numerous protests by animal rights groups, campus officials feel it is necessary to kill the massive monster.

"I know it looks like a big stuffed animal," said Director of Buildings and Grounds Mike Ellis, "but now we've got to draw the line and destroy it."

Ellis was responsible for relocating squirrels last year after the cuddly creatures caused thousands of dollars of undermining damage to the campus. The rodents were unknowingly moved to the site of a toxic waste depository.

"The toxic fumes must have mutated the animal's DNA causing it to grow to an

Robert Ebert.

Ebert believes the squirrel terror has just begun. "You know how those things multiply ... they're as bad as rabbits!"

Experts fear that if the giant squirrel population continues to grow, the gargantuan ground squirrels could take over the world!

If more giant rodent attacks occur, campus officials say they will proclaim marshall law and call in the troops.

"If this thing comes squirrelling around here again," said Governing Board member Robert Dougherty, "we're calling in the marines!"

Teacher's pet is giant dinosaur!

By MARK HOPKINS

In a heartwarming scene that could have come out of

Hollywood, a lonely man's life has been made brighter by the love only a pet can give.

Professor Wayne Armstrong, a nationally recognized expert in the field of botany, is the proud owner of not just any old pet, no; he is the joyous master of a 20 million year-old dinosaur!

"I found her in the display window at the pet shop that's in the mall," explains Dr. Armstrong.

"At first I had no intention of buying Bongo, so I made a beeline for Sears with my mind set on purchasing a sack of fertilizer for my strangler fig. Then I felt a sharp pain in my neck; it was Cupid's arrow and it told me to take her home."

Armstrong goes on, "I asked the pet store manager, 'How much is that dinosaur in the window? The one with the big, sad eyes.' Well, after I purchased Bongo with my platinum American Express card I went to BillyBob's Western Wear and Saddlery and I got a bit and saddle. I saddled Bongo up and I rode her down Via Rancho Parkway back to my villa."

Ever since this eventful day the bonds between this man and his beast have grown stronger.

The professor has enrolled Bongo and himself in Barbara Woodhouse's obedience school.

"We can't have 'No bad dinosaurs' ,"adds Armstrong.

Bongo lives in an air-conditioned dog house and eats three square meals a day.

Dr. Gary Alderson, a colleague of Armstrong's and life science chair, comments, "Wayne wined to me once that he didn't have enough money to keep Bongo in wienies (Bongo's favorite food) and that Bongo became all up-set and ate the house; I guess she is eating poor Wayne out of houseand-home."

Despite Bongo's gargantuan wienie lust, Dr. Armstrong still considers himself one lucky fella.

"Bongo grades my papers and records the scores into my gradebook and computer, she also fetches the paperboy; but what I like best of all is when Bongo rubs my neck after a hard day of Bio 10 students, something my girlfriend never did do."

----------------------~--~----------------~

BONGO gives master Wayne Armstrong a big, big hug. Armstrong keeps his pet dinosaur in an air-conditioned dog house purchased from Tammy Baker.

Nudism student arrested for doing homework

By STACIEJENEL MAY

lot 12 for which he was picked up for questioning.

"First time I ever heard "I was just practicin' for my of anyone almost gettin' assignment" Kowtown said. arrested just fer do in' Kowtown is a student in the homework," said Joe Bob newly instated class Nudism Kowtown,a student, re- 101. ferring to the recent indeKowtown's lawyer Clarence cent exposure incident in Darrow, who returned from the

dead to defend this young man, said ''This is just good clean learning, every college should offer these courses." Kowtown is suing the sheriffs office.

"This class wasn't my idea, but I'm only too happy to teach it," said Barbara Dare, instructor, "I also hope more students enroll" "I wish they (school officials)

would tell me these things" said Boyd Mahan, Campus Patrol Supervisor, "It makes me so danged mad, when they get my boys all fired up on a big investigation and then I have to let them down like that."

According to school officials there has been no public opposition to the class, so it will con-

tinue.

Nudism 101 was introduced as a class on April 1, it has no prerequisites and continues into Nudism 102. The class is 3 units and meets Mon., Wed, and Fri from 9 a.m. - 1 p.m.

The class takes several field trips during the semester including a trip to Black's Beach.

)f' ' 1

'P'!"

- -~ - !:~ -路

. . . -...___

.....

By JOHN ROBERTS

President George Bush, while visiting Palomar last week, expressed an interest in buying the 'P' and having it moved in one piece to Washington, D.C. Bush wants to mark the Pentagon with a 'P' and Palomar's own landmark is the one he wants.

"I want the 'P,"' said an excited Bush. "We'll move it to the lawn in front of the Pentagon. I think it will be a wonderful new monument."

Bush did stress the need for the 'P' to be refurbished. The new Associated Student Government plans to relime the 'P' in the near future. The

Bush said the government you call it here." would pay the Ryans one Lester and Gerrie Ryan, million dollars for the portheownersofOwen'sPeak tionofland the 'P' sits on. where the 'P' now sits, were One of the biggest probecstatic about the news. lems will be the movement "That's great," said of the 'P' to Washington.

"The plan we currently Lester Ryan. "We can finally build our restaurant have is to cut out all around without destroying that the peak and take the whole eyesore, er, I mean, land- dang thing," said an optinow ," said Bush, gestur- mark." rnistic Bush.

'P' won't be moved at ing to the 'P' during a The Ryans have wanted A special $10 billion carleast until that time. speech on the lawn in to put a restaurant atop the rying basket will be de"Truthfully, it looks front of the Student Un- peak for many years and signed to pick up the peak _Ii_k~e_c~o~w-~d~u_n~g~r_i~g~h_t~=~=~~o~le~路-''~It~w~i~ll~_n_o_w_I_路t_w_i_ll_b_e~p_o_s_~_b_k_.~Meb~kctwill~c~~ by the new "hovering" Stealth Bombers) and transfer it to the U.S.S. Constellation (one of America's largest aircraft c~ers). The peak would then be tranferred to the Penatgon by sea.

"I think it's a great idea," says Gerrie Ryan. "Then, we'll already have a level place to build the restaurant."

Some other questions still

(Photo by Lorri Allen)

ZZ路TOP made a surprise appearance at Concert Hour last Wednesday. The bearded band rocked students and staff alike but were given a parking ticket by Campus Patrol for having no parking sticker.

remain, however. Congress still must give its consent to the plans, according to U.S. Representative Jack Sleek (California Peace and Freedom party).

"We want to make George happy, so why not?" said Sleek.

Army engineers aren't

quite sure how much the peak will weigh when it's lifted.

"Heck, if we can even lift the thing, it still might sink the Constellation," said engineer Bob Sparks. "I think it's possible, though. I just hope the navy won't mind if it (the ship) sinks."

Sparks is the head engineer for "Project Basket Case" which will be finished sometime this fall.

Most students were shocked at Bush's plan.

"Like, dude, I knew it would come to this," said Tim Fountain, 20, an underwater basket weaving major. "We should have, like, elected Jack Sleek."

"I really can't believe it," said Janet Powell, 21, a rug cleaning major. "After all the hype about reliming it, and now it's just gonna be gone."

Usual Palomar 'P'' proponent Michael de Neve seemed unmoved by the whole episode, however.

"I'm still in shock from being quoted by The Telescope," said de Neve, 19, a beach science major. "I still hope they put a wood border around it like I suggested last time, though."

The planned move date is Dec. 7, 1989. if all plans go smoothly.

Said Bush, "I like December 7th. It's some important da in American histo ."

Printer gets squooshed by possessed

By JONATHAN YOUNG

It was just an ordinary

day for Mike Farris, a pressman for Palomar's Graphic Communications Department, when the unexpected happened ... the press tried to eat him!

"The rollers were just going around and around," said Farris after he was pulled out from the offset printing machine. ''Then all of a sudden, one of the rollers smiled at me ... not a normal smile, but a smile that was telling me that I needed salt."

In words that aren't printable, Farris explained that the press grabbed his smock and started to pull him in. "I knew it was going to eat me. It started to sing 'It's a good time for the great taste,' the theme song for McDonald's."

The press grabbed his left arm first. "I screamed. What else was I to do? The machine had also

Tykes take a hike for Disneyland Infants at the child development center on campus are on strike. They are refusing to attend their nursery school classes until their demands are met.

Two-year-old toddler, Mary Maller, says that the students want more trips to Disneyland , real butter for their popcorn and Mott's apple sauce.

Moller went on to say that if their demands are not met the strike will turn into a nationwide protest and they will take their demands all the way to Mickey Mouse.

Tellascoop

10

press!

TERRIFIED Mike Farris barely escaped a luncheon date with the demonpossesed printing press!

taken my wallet with all my credit cards ... I knew my life was over then."

Luckily, Farris was saved by his boss, Neil Bruington.

"At first, I thought Mike was hinting to me that he wanted to go to lunch," said Bruington. "Then I noticed he was the lunch."

Other Graphic Communication workers didn 'trespond to the screams and sounds of flesh being pressed to a pulp.

"I heard Mike scream several times," said Letty~======================================~ Brewster, "but I assumed it was just his normal 'behind deadline' mood. When I heard that he was being eaten by the press, I just laughed and went back to my work." smock," said Farris. He has be- lieve that evil spmts are in- been moved to SU-18, where the The only things that Farris lost in the ordeal were his come quite fond of his smock volved. They have called in local Associated Student Government left arm and hand. Aside from his from the stains of ink it had on it. ministers and priests along with a meets. Campus officials feel this is the safest place due to the little body parts, Farris also lost his "I especially liked the ink stain on San Marcos psychiatrist.

"The shrink was called in to use of the room. smock, which was eaten by the the left elbow. It was from a welding program I printed." fmd out if the press was just going "I don't think the ASG would machine.

The reason for the machines through a mid-life crisis," said notice," said Jim Bowen, director "I can live with the loss of my of Student Activities. "They're left limb, but I don't know if I will behavior is not yet known. How- Bruington.

For the present, the press has going through a take-over now." be able to work without my ever, Bruington and Farris be-

By MICHELLE POLLINO The latest in contra-wear was on display at the International Fashion show Wednesday, Mar. 16 at 7:00p.m. in the library of Palomar College.

One of the lines displayed was that of designer Ollie De LaRebel. LaRebel has taken his fall look back to the fields with the long awaited return of military clothing mixed with just the right touch of guerilla warfare accessories.

what LaRebel called the 'gesell,' which were large black 'judge-like' capes shredded to the ankles, and long black gloves with tiny razors built in for easy shredding.

LaRebel's line also included camouflage outfits with built-in hidden pockets large enough to fit any type of weaponry. Nancy Galli head of Family and Consumer Sciences said. "LaRebel has a real sense of undercover accessories."

"They look so real, I think people like to look third-worldish. It gives them a sense of rebel-

Some of the other designers showing their lines were, Grape Vanderbuilt, from Chile. "Her line really reflect a killer attitude," said Galli.

Bob 'tower' Mashieshowedoffhisline of business suits. The suits have a built in alcohol content of .02, and pictures of nude women underneath the lapel.

Yves St. Lorenzo's Eastern Airline wear was another hot item. These au thentic airline-like uniforms were going for next to nothing in price. This was to be

April 1 , 1989 .__s.om-e.of•th•e•a.iplip•ar•e•l•w•hi.·c.h.stood--ou•t•w•a•s-li.·o•n•,'•'G•al-li•a•dd•ed_.---------·Lo..;..r.;.enl.z.iio.l'si.lllasi.ltilshil.ol.w.linllg•.-----....1

©~~[p[UJ~ HOROSCOPES Mar. 21 - Apr. 19

This week, Venus enters your sign, which means LOVE, but try to not let this one escape. You can start by treating your date with respect. For example, instead of burping loudly after he or she prepares dinner, try saying "thank you" for once.

Arians have a tendency to be rude and vulgar, which draws the wrong type of people. So, unless you want a bum for a date, forget the four letter words.

May 21 - June 20

Today you will find your long lost twin only to lose your mate to him or her. To top off your day, he or she will take your job and move into your apartment with your estranged mate. Then the new ccuple will find your winning LOTTO ticket in your apartment and become millionaires.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Your logical and balanced way of thinking gets you nowhere again. It's time that you stop boring people with your unimaginative ideas and your ho-hum sr~ches. Can't you realize that no one needs your help? Your favorite letter seems to be z:zz:zz:z:z:z:z:z;z - get the picture? But, luckily, Jupiter and Saturn entering your sign show a great change that will be taking place in your so-called life. Let's hope it's a personality change.

Apr. 20 - May 20

Your bullish ways get you in deep water again. You need to control that temper people don't appreciate teeth marks every time they get in an argument with y?u. But this week your viciousness does pave a positive side. Your stars say that ybl! will be an asset to the campus patrol in ti'tinting for car thieves, so sharpen those mcisors and have fun.

June 21 -July 22

You will have some explaining to do tonight. It seems that on every full moon night, you wake up with a bad taste in your mouth. Well tonight, your alter ego will be discovered. You will probably go in a state of shock when you find out that YOU were the cause of the big chicken slaughter in your neighbor's hen house.

But those are the prices that you have to pay tor bemg a mooncru10.

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

This week your aggressiveness will pay off handsomely. The Palomar football coach will pick you as the star quarterback for next year's team. The gruesome display of animalistic behavior that you portrayed in the cafeteria was one of the reasons for his quick recruitment. The way you tackled that poor kid in the refried beans, because he cut in line, was proof enough for him that you can do the job. Keep it up, you brute.

If your birthday is today

APRIL 1, 1989 I ~H! ~!~Hi ~H !~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~H!~HH!~!~i~l _.: . ;-~-~ - ;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.:-: - ~-;.;.;._

July 23- Aug. 22

You might be the king of the jungle, but you sure aren't the king of anything else.

A word of suggestion, GET A LIFE. If it seems that everyone is trying to avoid you, well you're on the right track. Your stars this week suggest that you avoid all human contact, and stay home. Believe me, you'll be doing everyone, including yourself, a favor.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Your problem is that you never get out of the house. In fact, if you got any paler, you would be mistaken for a corpse. Socializing would do you some good. Try the personal ads, it's your type of reading anyway. On the 11th, you will be meeting a Leo, and between the two of you - God knows WHAT will happen.

Nov. 22- Dec. 21

On the fourth you will fmally get what's coming to you. Everyone in your P.E. class will finally get back at all the times you bragged about your sportsmanship, and all those times when you cheated your way into winning every games. That's right, you sore loser, it's time that you know how your opponents feel when you purposely kick the soccer ball in their gut, just so you can win a point. Don't think you can escape this by dropping P.E.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, that's all you think about. And this week, you'll lose it all. Your astrological stars says that you will meet an attractive, but sly Pisces in your economics class, who swindles you out of every penny you've got. Instead you will be left with a broken piggybank and empty pockets. But look at the bright side, at least you'll pass your economics class.

•••

Happy Birthday Fool!!! You sure were born on the right day. You must have been the best April Fool's day joke ever. Today you will celebrate your birthday by being the laughing stock of your own birthday party, that is if anyone shows up. Don't have your heart set on any particular present, you should be thrilled if anyone even bothers to send you a card. You can forget Hallmark, no one ever gets sentimental over you. Your stars this month suggest that you celebrate your birthday with your dog, the only true friend you possess. And if he had his way, he would run away too. But don't worry, there's a fool born every minute, so you're not alone.

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

You'll be all washed up this week. Actually, your life is all washed up. You should start doing something creative with your life, like enroll in a truck driving school. It will give you the intellectual stamina that you have been craving for.

Your iife needs the excitement and you could use the money. So don't delay, call today.

Feb. 19- Mar. 20

Something fishy is going on. You probably have realized that your mate is dumping you for bigger fish in the sea. But don't worry, the scales are balanced in your favor. You will find your catch of the day soon, but don't cast too far because your catch might be a shark in grunion's clothing.

Tellascoop

.~-----------------------L-------------1 April1, 1989

11

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