The Harvard Lampoon: Once in a Blue Moon#

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VANITAS Now that you finally have this issue in your hands, you’re probably wondering one thing and one thing only: two things. First, what is this, and second, how much can I sell it for? Well, I love to disappoint, but the Lampoon magazine is worth less than the paper I handwrite each issue on. The only question you have now is, “What is this issue about?”

This issue is about rare, special things that come about once in a lifetime, like this issue. It’s also about other rare things I know about, like beauty and love. I know about beauty from when I looked in the mirror for the first time.

I thought, “I need a word to describe the opposite of what I am seeing.” I learned about love when I looked up the word “lope” in the dictionary while writing a diary entry about when I saw a tall, thin dog running.

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This issue is also about things that make you say “wow,” like when I hand you a note that says, “Say ‘wow’ out loud right now or I’ll blow your brains out. Also, please read my screenplay about a young Asian-American woman who just might learn a little something along the way. The film touches on the big questions like death, dis-organized religion, the so-called ‘Prozac Nation,’ and it is not about race in any way. Be honest, like, tell me what you really think, but also I have a gun to your head.” Many people have read my screenplay, and they always say, “Wow!” This issue is also about valuable objects, like a huge, golden, I dunno, chalice, and it’s like, encrusted in jewels, and it’s so shiny that people cry when they look at it and say, “That’s so cool, Alice, we’re so sorry that we voted you ‘Most Changed Since Freshmen Year’ in a passive-aggressive way.” Then I’ll be like, “I forgive you,” but I secretly

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don’t. I’m just waiting to make my next move (Queen to F7, putting myself in checkmate and making me the first person to lose 500 straight games against the chess-playing AI Deep Blue.)

This issue is about how beautiful the Grand Canyon looks as you’re diving into it.

You might think that because of the nature of time, every moment is unique, meaning that all of reality is in fact rare and special. Of course, yes, I have thought of this too. I did not copy that sentence from an Internet forum. But to think that everything is special and beautiful requires a cheerful, optimistic worldview that I do not have. I think everything is bad.

Anyways, this issue is about diamonds. That’s it. They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, which explains why I have

no real friends, but doesn’t explain why I also have no diamonds. They say that a dog is a man’s best friend, but that doesn’t explain why I saw a man and a dog arguing at a bus station last week. They say that this Vanitas is too repetitive, but that doesn’t explain why they say that this Vanitas is too repetitive.

As you may have intuited, this issue will be divided into five thematic parts: “Once,” which is about things that happen one time, “In,” which is about things inside of other things, “A,” which is about the last letter of the alphabet, Z, “Blue,” which details the origin story of the Blue Man Group, and “Reflections,” which is about the victories, defeats, and little surprises from my time growing up in the Harvard Lampoon.

AJ

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December 2017 BOARD OF EDITORS

VOL. CXXXXII No. 1

Alice Ju ’18, President Scott W. Roberts ’19, Ibis Ava E. Violich ’18, Narthex Camille K. Jacobson ’18, Treasurer A. R. Cohen ’18 A. S. Bowman ’17-’18 J. T. Bramante ’18 C. C. S. Wonders ’18 D. R. McDonough ’18 B. J. Strathmore ’18 M. A. Skerrett ’18

S. V. Gohel ’18 H. B. Flender ’19 B. W. Mott ’19 N. S. Grundlingh ’20 H. F. Johnson ’18 S. H. Kiam ’18 P. E. de Sa e Silva ’19

K. D. Firester ’19 D. K. Wexner ’19 N. A. Araya ’20 J. G. Stovitz ’20 S. Wu ’20

Theodore Ninh ’19, Blotbut Hillman J. Hollister ’19, Sanctum Liana A. Spiro ’19, Sanctum Juan F. Arenas R. ’19, Hautbois Lydia D. Lavrova ’19, Hautbois T. Donovan Keene ’18, Adbut Lily C. Scherlis ’18, Librarian Haley L. Daniels ’18, Nave BUSINESS BOARD David P. Frankle ’18, Frankle Thomas B. Waddick ’17-’18, Circulation Manager B. Cohen ’19 B. J. Falk ’20 Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator ISSUE EDITOR Alice Ju

ART EDITOR Theodore Ninh

The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Subscription: $20 for five issues. Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. Postmaster: send address changes to Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2014 Harvard Lampoon, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Office Phone: (617) 495-7801. Cell: (617) 803-2854. Call any time, day or night. URL: www.harvardlampoon.com or www.ifc.com/comedy-crib/harvard-lampoon. The Harvard Lampoon cannot consider unsolicited manuscripts. The Lampoon is a registered trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.

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can’t believe you fell for that.

The Impish Butler - Well, well, well. We meet again, Matthew.

Uh-Oh Spaghetti Sign - Two men. One giant fork. Six weeks. Many deaths. Thirty-five dollars on the line. Hundreds of viewers. Thousands of bettors. Some countries.

This is Fork Rumpus.

Scorpion Month - Seems like whenever you’re talking about an old wives’ tale, someone is like “I think I saw a Mythbusters about that once,” but they can never remember what the actual finding of the episode was.

Moth - It’s going to be alright.

January - You will get an opportunity today. It will be to join some kind of singing group. Go ahead and do that.

HOROSCOPES Find your astrological sign in the list below to learn what will happen to you this month!

BWM JGS HFJ DRM AJ

Monthitarius - In the coming week, avoid intercouse with partners who have HIV/AIDS. This will pay off big time in the long run.

The Indianapolis Colts - Your future holds love from both friends and—AH DUCK! RIGHT BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT! Wow that was a close one. Really dodged a bullet there. Glad we’re out of the woods and safe. That could’ve been bad. Phew. Anyway, you have cancer.

Henry Rabinowitz, born 2/18/89, 411 Lorne Avenue, Mansville, TN - Buy. Buy. Buy! Ohhh wait wait wait.

SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL Raging Boiner - Things are looking up in the next month.

I see a bright future for you. Stick around, kid. You might just learn a thing a two. Hey everyone, meet the new guy.

This is Cup Schlong, and he’s going places.

Crab Time - I am naked and so are you.

What’s His Name? - I can’t remember what his name is, what is it again? Der… Derk? Derk Smith? Or was it…

Beemop?

Popcornopolis - Slap your tummy like a drum and bark like a dog. Did you do it? Ahahaha you fuckin’ idiot. I ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

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RARE

tumor-encrusted diamond I kept my fannypack in, and I set off to find life’s rare beauties.

Some things are less rare than you think.

Winning the Lottery My friend Rigley won the lottery yesterday. Technically it was my ticket but even more technically Rigley beat me up and took it.

Pitching a Perfect Game It was the first game of the season, and I felt good. I stood on the mound confidently, ready to throw a killer first pitch to my best friend, Rigley. I launched a curveball into the bottom of the strike zone. Rigley hit a home run and went on to pitch a perfect game.

Lightning Striking Twice It’s actually pretty common for lightning to strike the same place twice. Rigley told me that it’s happened to him like a million times and that’s how come I can park in handicap spots when he’s in the car.

Early-Onset Alzheimer’s Against all odds, I have this.

First, I went to see the Hope Diamond, then the Great Mogul Diamond, then a baseball diamond. I’m not sure which blew me away the most, but I know it wasn’t the Hope Diamond or the Great Mogul Diamond. Still, I wasn’t satisfied and neither were my diamonds.

I decided I needed more diamonds before I died, so I sat on a lump of coal until it hatched into a diamond. It happened very quickly, but I made the mistake of getting an abortion. Damn, not again. At the very least I got to experience the miracle of life that is abortion.

At that point, it was time to check off the last thing on my bucket list: visit a real, live, actual doctor. Unfortunately, I didn’t know any, so I just went back to the doctor from the beginning of this piece. Fortunately, he had good news. My tumor was actually just a 32-carat diamond I had stuffed under my skull for safekeeping and I’d be fine aside from a fatal and unrelated case of internal bleeding.

DRM

Love at First Sight Man, Rigley loves telling this one. So I’m at a restaurant with my girlfriend, Jess, when Rigley walks by on the street. He sees Jess and thinks “I’m in love with her.”

Long story short, they go to town in the bathroom while I’m trying to pee and nothing’s really coming out. You da man Rigs!

HJH

DIAMONDS The day I found that diamond my life changed forever.

Previously, I had only had 293 diamonds, but now I had an inoperable brain tumor. My doctor insisted he couldn’t remove it, no matter how many diamonds I stuffed into his lacy g-string. So it was just me and my tumor and my diamonds and my tumor.

With only a little time to live before that man with the mustache returned to rip me limb from limb, I was determined to make my time count. I picked up the diamond-encrusted fannypack I kept my tumor in and the 5

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MY FAIRY

Some people have a fairy godmother. Klugg is my swamp monster god-uncle.

Klugg can’t fly like other fairies but he claims to be fifty percent crawdad. I think that’s a lie—he looks more like eighty.

When I wished for a fairy on my ninth birthday I got Klugg: The Bayou Swamp King. He climbed out a dumpster behind Mama’s favorite Red Lobster and followed me home, running. He spent the first month asking whether I could make his room (my closet) any more dark and damp. He spent the second month asking if his room (my room) could be Big Pig Central.

Jambalaya, fan boats, molting parties, voodoo teeth, spicy, Mardi Gras Katrina BBQ, and Klugg. Each of them in my

backyard. “Hey, baby boo. That a sweet mump mump.”

—Klugg

Klugg’s always granting me wishes for mud tubs I don’t want. He gets all happy and wooshy when I say he can use it cause it’s the one thing that helps his “Gumbo Skin.”

Gumbo Skin happens when your shrimps eat too many taters off your tummy. It’s not contagious, so Klugg lets me touch.

Klugg’s swamp buds are Guzer, Rub Rub, Ying Bing, and Rooff, and Hetler. Those old boys know how to chug bead buckets. Klugg’s best at it cause when he chugs beads it’s like “Oh mama, Klugg chug like goose milk yum.”

And one day, just as grungle as he appeared, Klugg was gone. I miss him sometimes. He left all his stuff—Skum Scoop, swamp bud Hetler, Bone Rug, The Unsolvable Rat Tail Knot, Oyster pie, Bird Sex: the film, nice frogs, Gumbo Skin and all.

TAF

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I DON’T USUALLY DO THIS UNLESS I’M DRUNK or a DOG...

But I’m both right now.

JFAR

THINGS I’LL NEVER DO AGAIN

- Stand up and give a beautiful, ten-minute long rendition of Mozart’s “Queen of the Night” aria when the judge asks, “How do you plead?”

- Go to the opera and yell, “ALRIGHT, SO I TOUCHED - Wash my hair in the river, because of the pollution and THOSE KIDS” - Gasp so hard when I hear my lottery numbers read out the 7 ft. tall alligator man that bit off my head on the TV that I accidentally inhale my ticket and swal- Cry myself to sleep tonight - Wear a dress covered in diamonds, because of the local low it wolves that are attracted to the smell of diamonds. And - Ready up my boat and set sail on the open mountain - Waste all my dynamite trying to blow up a ghost the local alligator man attracted to dresses - Confuse a hock of ham with my grandfather and con- - Call my boss, Thomas, “Romdalom Tom” for short fuse my grandfather with a different old man I was pull- when he always explicitly says, “Don’t call me that. My name is Michael.” ing the plug on in the hospital - Inventing www.images.google.com but not being able to come up with www.google.com, which ends up being AJ a much bigger hit - Google myself in front of the whole class, forgetting that the first thing that will come up is that embarrassing picture of me Googling myself in front of the whole class 7

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SERIAL KILLER

LIGHTNING

What keeps me up at night are the screams of my vic–Thunderstorm! Kids, get out of the water! tims. My stereo's stuck on a best-of CD I burned of their –Oh my god, Bradley just got hit by lightning! Oh my 9-1-1 calls. god! Oh my god! His body is burnt to a crisp!

–Alice, what are you doing?! Get out of the lake! You DRM could die!

ME: Lightning never strikes the same place twice.

–That’s just some old-timey saying! Water is the most dangerous place during a lightning storm!

ME: I don’t think you understand. Lightning already struck the lake, so it won’t strike again.

TWIN 1: Oh my god, you look– –Do you want to end up like Bradley?!

TWIN 2: Just like me.

BRADLEY: (weakly) Did somebody say my name?

TWIN 1: That’s what I was gonna– Alice.

Get in the shelter with the other kids.

TWIN 2: Do. ME: Lightning. Never. Strikes. The. Same. Place—(a TWIN 1: Ok that’s not exactly what I had in– rogue intercontinental ballistic missile hits the shelter, which TWIN 2: My hand. bursts into flames. The storm clears) TWIN 1: Well, we have so much to catch– BRADLEY: Wow… Guess you were right, huh.

TWIN 2: In our baseball gloves.

(Bradley is struck by lightning again) TWIN 1: Wait a minute are you–

LONG LOST TWIN

TWINS 1 & 2: (in unison) Even my twin? We seem incapable of holding a conversation and we look nothing alike AJ and are different ages and races.

TWIN 1: Wow, maybe we really areTWIN 2: Going to die in a train accident.

HJH

NEEDLE in a HAYSTACK There used to be other expressions that meant the same thing as “finding a needle in a haystack.” But they eventually died off.

– “It’s like finding hay at an anti-hay convention” – “That’s like trying to find a wheelchair at my uncle’s house” – “That’s like trying to find my friend Jid at a Jim meet and greet” – “Everyone! This guy found a needle in the hay! They’re just leaving free needles in the hay!”

– “Son, I guess you wouldn’t really know what a haystack is. When I was growing up, we had these things called haystacks, and for us they were sort of like what iPhones are for you.”

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body was never found. Byrne was then replaced by a body double, whose name was, ironically, Tina Weymouth.

- At the end of the film, you can hear Byrne faintly screaming “Oh, help me, there is so much fabric!” from inside the suit. However, none of the people watching the film attempted to help Byrne, as they all knew that what they were watching wasn’t real; it was just a movie.

“ONCE in a LIFETIME” by the TALKING HEADS

- “Talking Heads” is a bit of a misnomer. The bandmembers are not talking, but rather, singing; in addition, none of them have heads.

- Many know that Brian Eno’s 1977 song “King’s Lead Hat” is an anagram of “Talking Heads.” It is almost universally unknown, however, that “Masturbation” is an anagram of “As In Atom Turb.”

Many know that the band the Talking Heads has a famous song called “Once in a Lifetime.” However, they - The “Once in a Lifetime” lyric “Into the blue again after don’t know that: the money’s gone” referred to the fact that David Byrne was famously lighter than air and had to weigh himself - Each time the Talking Heads performs “Once in a Life- down with bags of coins. Once the coins were gone, Bytime,” they always say, “And, believe it or not, we’re only rne floated into the sky, never to be seen again. going to perform this song once… once in a lifetime,” and the crowd goes wild. They have done this hundreds - The other lyrics, “Where is that large automobile?... of times.

This is not my beautiful house!... This is not my beau- The original title of the song was “Thrice in a Lifetime.”

The name was later changed because bass player Tina Weymouth believed “thrice” to be a fake word. “Tina Weymouth” was later revealed to be the fake name of D. B. Cooper, the fake name of a man who hijacked a Boeing 727 over the state of Washington and made off with millions of dollars in 1971.

tiful wife!” refer to things Byrne was heard shouting as he floated away. There is no explanation for why he said these things.

- The mystery of D. B. Cooper’s identity has never been solved, and the case remains open with the FBI.

- Drummer Chris Frantz believed that there existed a global group of subterranean molemen whose under- In “Stop Making Sense,” the Talking Heads’s 1984 con- ground activities secretly caused the existence of all potcert film, lead singer David Byrne donned a business suit holes. However, this belief never affected his work or inthat grew larger as the concert went on. Eventually the fluenced his music in any way. suit became so large that Byrne could not find his way out of it, eventually dying of starvation inside the suit. His AJ 9

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“BLUE MOON”

by RICHARD ROGERS and LORENZ HART Many people know that “Blue Moon” is my favorite song (of the swing era). But what most people don’t know is that last night my friends abandoned me while we were exploring the local catacombs and I spent all of last week finding my way out. I found this corpse (pictured below) which is pretty cool, but I also found a manuscript of the original lyrics for “Blue Moon” by Richard Rogers and Lorenz Hart (transcribed below): Blue moon You saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of karate Blue moon You knew just what I was there for You saw me saying a prayer for You can find me at the dojo And then suddenly there appeared before me The only one my arms will hold I heard somebody whisper, “Downward elbow strike” And when I looked to my sensei he said to me, “Very good, Richard and Lorenz” Blue moon Now I’m no longer alone Tate empi uchi, Ushiro empi uchi Mawashi empi uchi SWR

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ADVERTISEMENT DIRECTOR: Okay George, take it away.

GEORGE CLOONEY: “Between all my acting, directing, and philanthropy, sometimes I need to kick back and relax. That’s why I drink Blue Moon. Blue Moon, the beer for—” okay, I’m not saying that.

DIRECTOR: Cut. What’s wrong?

GEORGE CLOONEY: “Blue Moon, the beer for tiny baby bitch boys?”

DIRECTOR: The focus group loved it.

GEORGE CLOONEY: The rest of this copy is just—I mean, “Blue Moon is the beer for pocket-sized coward boys who never stopped breastfeeding?”

DIRECTOR: To be honest, George, I guess Michael Jordan was wrong about you.

GEORGE CLOONEY: (excited) Really? You asked him about me? What’d he say?

Dear Alice, DIRECTOR: (starting to leave) He said you were a professional. I guess not.

Hello, I’m Bertrand Uterus, owner of Blue Moon GEORGE CLOONEY: No, no, I’m a professional. Here beer and a proud father of three beautiful girls and one we go. “Blue Moon: The beer for itty bitty pussy-boys ugly little rat bitch. I’m writing this letter because it has who are scared of basketballs and E.T. As I always say to recently come to my attention that you have plagiarized my wife, Mrs. George Clooney: ‘Yum yum!’” my life’s work.

BLUE MOON

Each day I wake up with one single, non-plural goal: to care for the homeless man in my garage and produce a comedy magazine about blue moons. It seems so simple—you just put out a bowl of water every once in awhile and write jokes about moons that are blue. But every time I try I accidentally create immaculate draughts and lagers renowned worldwide for their crisp, refreshing taste. One moment I am sitting down to lay out a magazine and the next I am mortgaging my house to fund several fermentation tanks, grueling for days on end over hot vats of hops, and raising yeast as my own children.

And now you’ve done this. You’ve brought shame to the Uterus name. You’ve gone and stolen my dream right out from under me. And to think you put it all together in only 45 minutes. Of course, by the law of cosines you are now the rightful owner of Blue Moon. But don’t you think for one second that you’ve heard the last of Bertrand Jon Bon Jovi Uterus.

Sincerely, Bertrand Jon Bon Jovi Uterus HJH 11

MAS

MAKE-A-WISHES THAT MY DOCTOR KEEPS VETOING -More chemotherapy -A treehouse with wheels -Donating my organs to a healthy kid so they get cancer -A trip to Disneyland where Goofy keeps his ugly mug out of my business for once -A wax figurine of myself to be placed in Madame Tussaud’s bedroom -Letting me compete against my doctor’s entire family on Family Feud, alone -Read the first letter of each one of these -Enough time for me to organize this list so the first letters spell out “Help my doctor is threatening to pull the plug as I write this” -An octopus butler and an underwater house -The chance to meet and kill whichever actor is playing the most recent version of Batman

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-The chance to hunt and kill a rhino from every zoo in America -A lifetime supply of Playstations, delivered to my family after I am deceased -The keys to the city!

-A smooch from the tallest woman in Massachusetts -The chance to meet and kill the tallest woman in Massachusetts -A guitar lesson from Shaq himself -An unforgettable experience AJ SWR

CLEFT PALATE

If your past civilization was so advanced, did you have a cure for lung cancer?

GRANDPA: Oh sure sure Jimmy, everyone knew the cure, course that was before scientists said smoking was okay for your lungs, so lung cancer was but a pipe dream.

JIMMY: Grandpa that’s great! So what was the cure?

GRANDPA: I remember the day that the sun went dark and inanimate objects came to life and danced with us in the streets. But you kids don’t learn about that in schools these days, do you? Damn teachers too focused on handing out participation awards to kids with peanut allergies!

JIMMY: Grandpa this will LITERALLY save your life!

What’s the cure for lung cancer?

GRANDPA: Ah Pumpkin Patch! You’ve got quite the imagination there JoJab. Ha! Imagine that, lungs.

GRANDPA: (more soup-related mouth noises).

I’ll never forget the day I broke the record for most cleft palettes surgically repaired in one day because I found an MMM Alaska state quarter on the subway that day. To this day, whenever I look at that quarter, I think of how I found it on the subway. And whenever I look at a cleft palate, I think “gross.”

Every so often it comes to my attention that I am fast-sleeping, or sleeping at a rate that appears inhuman to DRM an observer, in this case the observer being my girlfriend Babe (“why is that man’s sleep speeding up, and up and up until he is experiencing 10x more sleep than Babe on an average night?”) (She speaks in third-person, and of LITTLE JIMMY: Hey Grandpa, Deborah told me to course I wish she was different.) come in here to keep you company, but it seems like you’re really caught up in the infomercial channel, so I’ll I do not like to fast sleep—you become the tranquil kind leave you to it— of “slimy ninny” Babe cannot stand to fuck, and then you GRANDPA: (soup-filled mouth) Nonsense Jimmy Boy. go without sex for long enough to really lose it. But let me Your mother, always worrying about me being lonely, ya tell you: you have the most amazing dreams. Dreams so know when I was a boy everybody was constantly con- fast everyone whizzes into ribbons on the color spectrum, nected through a web of electronical personal devices and you can’t tell your mum from a dyke from a cheetah, called cellular telephones. It’s nice to have some peace and except that the cheetah is a majestic spotted yellow so you quiet at this age. can clearly make it out.

JIMMY: Oh, I didn’t realize they had phones in the 1940s, Grandpa…

I don’t know how having this many dreams is useful now, GRANDPA: Oh Fiddleshtoops Jim Jam, you kids and but by god I’ve saved myself some time down the line. your phones! When I was a boy we didn’t have phones, all we had was flying cars and robot wives!

HLD JIMMY: …Flying cars? Our cars don’t even fly now grandp— GRANDPA: Nyeee and count yourself lucky. You kids getting to drive around fro and to. When I was a boy we Sometimes I get a bad headache just on the left side of my had to walk to school uphill both ways in plasmic energy head. But then I always fix it by taking the left side of an boots that could transport us to the 5th dimension where Advil. we would dance with pure light entities.

JIMMY: Grandpa what the hell are you talking about? AJ

FAST SLEEP

SENILITY

HEADACHE

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LAST HAIRCUT BARBER: Hello, officer. You sir are my last customer. After I give this haircut, I’m retiring from my 30 years as a barber.

COP: (looking up from phone) Oh, cool. Just a little off the top please.

BARBER: I even had some famous customers. Ever heard of a guy called the Zodiac Killer?

COP: Hey I don’t mean to be rude, but like, I kind of just like silence when I get my hair cut.

BARBER: I’m the only person who knows his real name and address, as he is still alive.

COP: (texting) Uh huh.

BARBER: We played bridge last weekend and he vowed to strike again very soon.

COP: I guess I have to inquire further now. Where did you learn to play bridge?

BARBER: From Derek R. Santern, the true name of the Zodiac Killer.

COP: Great card game. Make sure you don’t go too short on top.

JGS

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WHEN BEETHOVEN COMPOSED MOONLIGHT SONATA Hmm, this chord sounds like shit.

Well, why I don’t I put it in cuz I can’t think of anything else right now. And this note sucks, so I might as well use that! Now I’ll just smash my hands on the piano over and over. Sounds good to me! Bang bang bang, smash smash smash, poop poop poop! Time to fart out of my butt cheeks and call it a sonata, cuz that’s basically what it always ends up sounding like anyways! Yup! I’m officially the worst composer ever!

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Y3K New Year’s Eve, 2999, 11:59pm -Are any of you guys worried about Y3K? -Y3K? That’s so funny, Alice. Have a drink.

-It’s not a joke. I’m just worried that because all computers use two-digit abbreviations for years, there might be a problem when they reset to year “00” at midnight.

-Lighten up! We already went through this like, a thousand years ago? (snickering) Nothing happened.

-It’s almost midnight, everyone! 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

-(checks phone) Oh my god. My parents were on a train here… and it just crashed.

-My dad was on a plane and it just crashed into the plane my mom is on.

-My grandma is on life support and a plane just crashed into the hospital she’s in.

-All the planes in U.S. airspace are flying straight at Cleveland, Ohio, and no one knows why!

-Alice, why aren’t you crying? Why are you smiling like that?

-Tell me I was right.

-(crying) You were obviously right!

-Okay, but now say it in a way that isn’t sarcastic.

-(hysterical tears) YOU WERE RIGHT, ALICE! ARE YOU HAPPY? -Yes. -(muffled sobs) -I am a genius.

AJ

WILLIAM GARRETSON At midnight on August 9, 1969, Charles Manson’s followers broke into the house of Sharon Tate, violently murdering her and 4 of her guests. The gruesome murders could be heard from miles away. The only survivor was 20-year-old William Garretson, who lived in the pool house and was not aware that murders were going on because he was listening to music all night.

Here are the lyrics to the song that caused him to not realize murders were taking place: Oh god he’s got a gun! Jesus Christ! BAAAANG! / I’ve been shot! Oh I’ve been shot I’m wounded. Sharon duck!! / Oh god Sharon! They killed Sharon / Sharon Tate is dead! / Hello? Stay away from me!! Stay back! / AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! / Is that a bayonet? Like from the Civil War? / OWWWWW AAAAAAAA / (30 consecutive .22 caliber handgun shots) / William, help. Will. Caaaaallll 911!

Chorus: Sha-na-na / Oh yeah, yeah, yeah / Where the ladies in the house? (x2) JGS

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The TALE of HUGH McGOMERY Hugh McGomery was a simple man. 10 fingers, 10 toes, nothing crazy. He was the type of guy to wear tattoo of a dog on his elbow that he could make bark if he liked you well enough—but he didn’t. Most knew Hugh as an honest man with a bottle in one hand, his one-week chip in the other, and a third hand just to hit people with. He was a ladies man, and a man’s man. Batted both ways and could shoot a dime off a cigarette 30 yards away without even pulling the trigger or seeing the dime. Some called him a legend, some called him father, but everyone feared that third hand.

Hugh was born in 1835 what is now current day Tennessee. It was Tennessee then too, but Hugh didn’t know it yet.

He came from a poor family, never saw his mother alive but swears she was a solid 7 out of 10. By the age of 11 Hugh had learned to live without drinking water. By the age of 12 Hugh had developed a fear of bees. And by the age of 14 bees had developed a fear of Hugh. He never asked for much. And he stole everything else.

When the Civil War broke out, Hugh enlisted for both sides. Hugh didn’t have opinions. Hugh would fight for the Union in the summer and the Confederacy in the winter. Hugh loved those Appalachia summers. One infantryman who served with Hugh recalls him running into battles with only a gun, no bullets. Hugh didn’t believe in bullets, said that guns were “too loud.” Somehow Hugh was listed with 39 kills and 17 pregnancies during his time in the war, all without firing a single shot or sleeping with any woman. By the end of the war Hugh had helped both sides equally, careful not to involve himself with the course of U.S. history.

As the country went through Reconstruction, Hugh took it upon himself to run for Mayor of Boyle, Mississippi purely because the current mayor looked at him funny. Hugh won that election and used the office to send patrols to the northern U.S. border, and ordered them to shoot anyone that would dare cross. Human or animal, Hugh didn’t discriminate. Hugh just hated this new place called Canada. Looking back at it, Hugh didn’t even have that power, President Andrew Johnson just heard about that dog tattoo decided not to mess with the Mayor of Boyle.

After that stint Hugh returned to his home in Tennessee to find a wife and a few kids who he totally forgot about.

Hugh promptly left that family for a life of crime fighting and crime doing. Nobody ever saw him since, but people say he’s somewhere out there in Appalachia looking for the Underground Railroad, a mission from his soldier days he never completed. Some say he’s out there building a railroad, and others say he’s out there running the railroads. Either way, there’s Appalachia, there’s a railroad, and there is Hugh McGomery.

MGM ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

18

ABBOTT & COSTELLO It took months before anyone noticed Abbott had developed dementia.

COSTELLO: Who’s on first?

ABBOTT: Who? (crowd laughs) ABBOTT: What’s going on here? (crowd laughs harder)

Abbott: Why didn’t I remember that? And why don’t I remember who you are?

FRIEND: You don’t have to be “on” all the time, Abbott.

ABBOTT: Someone tell me the FUCKING joke I keep telling.

COSTELLO (on video): I’m asking who’s on first?!

ABBOTT: (watching for the 400th day in a row) I could do a bit about this.

ABBOTT: I need a gun.

GUN STORE CLERK: Ok. ABBOTT: Hey, man. What’s with the secrecy?

ABBOTT: I don’t feel safe in my own home. Everyone’s a COSTELLO: Still in character, huh? Ya killin’ me here, stranger that I may need to kill.

Abbie!

GUN STORE CLERK: That’ll be $10.

ABBOTT: Forget it. Let’s get pizza.

COSTELLO: We’ve been eating pizza for 45 minutes. WIFE: Abbott, it feels like you don’t even recognize me.

You feeling ok, partner?

ABBOTT: I don’t. I don’t recognize anything. From the DOCTOR: Do the bit.

ABBOTT: What?

DOCTOR: He’s on second. Hilarious.

ABBOTT: Who are you?

DOCTOR: Let’s just say I’m not on first base if you catch my drift. (winks) FRIEND: You forgot my birthday, Abbott. Again.

19

woman in my bed to the pictures on these walls, everything is a mystery. I wake up day after day and scream, “Who is doing this to me?! Why?” I just want to remember who I am. It’s tearing me apart. Who am I, woman?

Who? Wife: (chuckling) No, silly who’s on first.

MJK

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

that man has? This frightening prospect seems increasingly likely. One more reason I do bad is After I no win I get so scared, eyes go black and I just running so hard. I run so long I get lost in woods. Soon people say on news: “I strong for going on hike after lose no win election—as well as can I take a selfie?”

The Fart of the Deal By Donald “Jiff” Trump

2016 ELECTION BOOKS The 2016 election was a one in a lifetime showdown that we don’t need to address here because once this issue is published, a little behind schedule, in 2030, everything will be just alright. We’ll all be able to laugh about how silly we were when we were young (Trump and Clinton were both 70 years old in 2016), and how petty our disagreements were considering that in 2020 an alien race descended upon earth and sucked up all our hair like spaghetti for food, and now we’re all bald.

However, the Harvard Lampoon has acquired the rare, original drafts of Clinton and Trump’s most famous books, What Happened and The Art of the Deal. Excerpts are reprinted below: What Happening? By Hillary “Rude Ham” Clinton What happening? Is anyone there? I Hilary Clonton. I sad. Bad feelings, yes. Why me no president?

Citizens say I not authentic–that I phony feeling. But curtain is down now. It me, the real Hillary and I decide now is the time I become myself. Goodbye campaign Hillary.

Hello authentic real woman. The cards are on my table, and I just dealt authenticity. Time for me to get real.

I don’t do it for the money. I don’t need more money.

I don’t even know what money is. Coins? That’s money.

But not to me. Anyways, if there’s one thing you should be getting from this, it’s that I don’t make deals for the money. I do it out of love. Love for money.

Most people are surprised that I am writing a book despite not knowing how to read. But you don’t have to read if you can make deals. For example, I made a deal with a ghostwriter to write this book for me in exchange for twenty million dollars and a weekend with my wife. And that’s how I wrote this book all by myself despite being illiterate.

Many people are also surprised by the way I work. I play it “loosey-goosey,” as we call it in the business world. I don’t wear shoes. I don’t wear a bra. I don’t wash my hands after I use the bathroom. I eat off the floor.

Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry with words. I have tried to do both, but I have failed every time. That’s why I make deals. Deals are my words, and businessman is also a word. Businesswoman is not a word.

Most mornings, I wake up very early, around six, and spend the first hour or so of each day barking at the garbage truck. Then I spend an hour eating newspapers at the breakfast table. Accounting for the time I spend getting lost on the way to work, I usually make it to my office on the 52nd floor by four or five o’clock. And just like that, the workday is over!

It never stops, and no matter what I try, it won’t stop. I never have time to think, so I’ve never had a thought in my life. That’s where the fun is. And if it isn’t fun, then how do you explain the funny clown that lives on the 52nd floor?

Perhaps is I woman that hurt my chances because country no like woman? They see I woman and president is job AJ SWR JGS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

20

EARTH

LAW

VS.

MOON

No touching.

Light touching.

Size matters.

Size helps with academics.

Apple a day.

Forty moon apples. A second.

Gender is a spectrum.

“Spectrum” is one of the genders.

White men can’t jump.

White men can’t jump, because they still haven’t come down from their last HUGE jump.

People > dogs.

Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Risk --> profit

If you jump too high you could float off into the infinite darkness :(

Felons can’t vote.

I owe my life to Mr. Felon!

Anyone can have a gun.

A gun has nine fathers who duel in battles and practice battles constantly.

Guys and girls can’t be friends.

On the moon, all of us are moon-girls.

Guys wear blue, girls wear pink.

Guys wear pink, girls wear scarves.

Only birds can fly.

Only flies can bird.

Take off your shoes before you enter the house.

Keep your moon boots on at all times.

ASB HLD CCSW

21

LAW

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

MARRIAGE

BLIND DATE

The toughest part about marriage is that you have to keep your fingers crossed behind your back during the honeymoon so when you get divorced you can take it all back.

BWM

RUDE DINA DINA: Thank you for all the carpets.

CARPENTER: Do you know what a carpenter is?

DINA: Thank you for all the carpents.

CARPENTER: You are most welcome, ma’am.

SHK

NOTHING DATES Nothing dates comedy faster than old politics, but nobody dates old politicians faster than your mom.

ASB

HONEY MOONS HFJ

Honeymoons would be great if you didn’t have to have them every single night the moon is out. Alas.

BWM HFJ ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

22

PARTY PEOPLE

DAD

Pregame ME: I know there’s a big party today, but I’ve just forgotten where and when it is. Can someone please let me know?

JAME: It’s at 612 Beechwood Lane at 9am.

ME: I’m on my way!

I hate my dad.

Party BARTENDER: Hello, what can I get for you?

ME: Hello.

BARTENDER: Hi, what do you want?

ME: Would it be helpful for me to put in my order right now?

BARTENDER: Yes?

-Did you see that catch I made? It was so cool! It won us the game!

-I’ve seen better.

-When?

-1981. NFC Championship. Dallas, 49ers. Joe Montana to Dwight Clark.

-I’m in 5th grade.

-So we agree that you’re nothing special?

-Meet my girlfriend, Susan -You two are dating? I thought you were gay.

-What! What made you think that?

-I found this butt plug in your room.

Bed -Thats a paperweight.

ME: There are many things to reminisce on from the par- -Oh. ty. I reminisce myself to sleep. (starts to fracture) -You used it as a buttplug didn’t you?

PART OF ME: I want to stay in bed.

-More times than you know.

OTHER PART OF ME: I know there’s a big afterparty tonight.

-How do I look?

-Is that camo? Yuck.

AJ ASB MVS ‘17 -It’s my uniform. I’m joining the military.

-Who are you gonna be fighting? Fashion?

-No. Terrorists and religious extremists.

-I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing such patterns. Oh! I guess that’s the point -(making out) This is so hot. Happy anniversary, Jeremy.

-I’m deploying in a few hours.

-You know what would be really hot, honey: we play Nev-Bin Laden has a better fashion sense than you. er Have I Ever.

-Uh—okay. I guess we can.

-Hi Dad. I’ve finally come back home.

-Ok I’ll go first. Never have I ever loved you.

-You’re shorter.

-(laughing) Honey, I think you’ve got the rules backward.

- I lost both my legs over in the Middle East.

-Let me try again. Never have I ever not had an extramar-You can’t dunk if you’re 3’9”, James! ital affair.

-Wait, did you say ‘not’?

MGM

NEVER HAVE I EVER

DRM

CROWDS Sometimes being in front of large crowds scares me, but I always just look around and remember that I’ve kidnapped everyone’s kids and am keeping them in my basement, so they’ll basically do whatever I tell them to, except the one cool dance which I really want them to do.

AJ 23

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

ANNIVERSARY ME: Wake up! Happy one-year anniversary honey! I made you pancake and eggs.

BRADLEY: Breakfast in bed? How sweet—Wait, did you say “pancake”?

ME: (with great effort, drags one enormous pancake into the bedroom, where it covers the bed and spills out onto the floor) BRADLEY: …

ME: I’ve been up since 2am making this.

AJ

MY DICK

Then I was up. I was getting into it and I thought this is the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life, recognition, solidarity, community. I dropped my pants, and there was a long silence. Then Sammy vomited. Marty vomited. Jerry’s heart convulsed til it stopped and everyone was gagging too much to help. Then the gagging turned to projectiling, and one fleck of throw-up hit my dick and covered the whole thing. They said “my dick is the size of one eighth a pinky finger and I am so grateful now” and “you ought to die.” Then I thought of something incredible that could be true: I told them my dick was cut off in Iraq, and now I have a lot of cool new friends who are war vets.

HLD

From the first time I saw a dick and then looked up the concept of dicks, I knew I had a tiny one. When I tried to pee one drop squeezed out from the imperceptible hole, and over time the rest of my body got heavy from liquid, which made the dick even smaller from the perspective of the fat belly re: the dick.

In high school, everyone knew about my dick ‘cause my mom told the principal. College was a fresh start, except my principle warned the college principal who gave me a suite without a bathroom (‘cause I didn’t need one) and my hallmate Tyler started asking questions re: the missing bathroom and when I didn’t answer he thought I was 1) unfriendly and 2) a liar after he found out about the dick from when my mom sent me new doll underwear and it was accidentally delivered to Tyler and he saw the tag (“just for dolls”).

I was really upset and I went to a support group for people with micro-penises and other people like me with dicks so small they can’t be classified. The doctors refer to these dicks as “concave indents on the pants.” I show up to the group and there’s an initiation, so that guys like Tyler can’t slip in the back and watch us cry. Here is the initiation: the leader, Marty, says “Take off your pants. We think you are beautiful no matter what,” and then the new guy goes in the middle and shows what’s left of his little thing (dick).

So first Jerry went, he was new too, and everyone saw his prick dick (it was the size of a quarter-string bean) and one guy Sammy laughed a little and then covered his mouth and apologized and everyone hugged Jerry and thanked his dick, “Thank you.”

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

24

NOTE (school bell rings) —Steph, wait up!

—Huh? Oh. Hi James.

—(blushing) You dropped this in P.E. —A gun?

—Other hand.

—You have guns in both hands.

—The note, silly! (spits crumpled note out of mouth) —Is this a drawing of a gun?

—Ugh, flip it over.

Read this now or I’ll kill us all, I will.

The security check missed my guns, and I’ve missed you.

Third time the jocks have beat me up, now they need to go.

Word is last time you’d stand up for me, are you going to?

In other words, if you leave now you’ll be safe, I prom ise.

Each time you blink– I know it’s you I wanna be with.

Sentence delivered, babe, come be with me?

Y / N? —James, is this a joke?

—(smiles, his teeth are bullets) —HELP M— —Shhhhh…reread the first word in each sentence.

—…

—…

—Oh my god, yes!

MRP

25

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

I swear to fucking god my penis would be being touched by something.

Then one day I kid you not my mortal enemy comes to the palace door. To me she looks dressed as a ghost, but I realize later that she was just naked. But her right hand is clenched in a fist so tight I realize the girth of my penis I’m an unbelievably small prince who has a fantastic life. would fit into the hole of her curled knuckles like a perOne problem. Nothing has ever touched my penis. fect puzzle piece. I let her float inside. This is my unfortunate fate.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: what does my penis look like? It’s small at the top and small at the bottom Now, my penis is getting touched. But at what cost. As a and it’s very small, on the whole. But that isn’t even an defense mechanism, I clench my butt, hard like a dense issue when it comes to things that could have touched my bread roll. But I am defenseless against her skilled ability penis in the past, present or future. The problem is those to touch my penis. things do not exist.

A RARE ENCOUNTER

Most days I sit on my bed and pantomime sex motions. I hold my hands out like little bowls as if there were some beautiful woman receiving my touch. In turn, I imagine there is something touching my penis. I’m not sure what, as I am in the dark about these types of experiences. But

I start shouting the exact weight and proportions of my penis in an effort to disarm her and to clear my own head.

It works. I have so much clarity in my head and in my mind even though my penis is still getting touched.

CCSW

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

26

away from achieving this). People shouldn’t call me a slut, but if they did, that would be fine with me, because of my feminism.

One big achievement of my feminism is that men can be feminist too. Let’s do a little thought experiment. Imagine a feminist. Did you imagine a man, or a woman? A woman, right? No. The feminist I was thinking of was a gay man. That’s fucked up. Men can be feminist in lots of ways, such as being gay, working as a male nurse, and saying thank you after sex.

MY FEMINISM Even though it’s harder than ever before to be a woman, it’s easier than ever to be a feminist. Back in the olden times, being a feminist meant not wearing any makeup, not shaving your legs, and shaving your head in order to be more equal to bald men. Nowadays, it is also feminist to blow all the guys on the basketball team (I am one 27

Another part of my feminism is “leaning in,” and the main tenet of “lean in” feminism is leaning in so hard to the boardroom table at a business meetings that you repeatedly bash your head into the table, rendering yourself unconscious and allowing the men to have the meeting as planned without hearing the voices of women.

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

True, corporate feminism only benefits a small, select group of women, but this is not a problem if you are a part of that group. You should demand to be treated so much like a man that you are then able to subjugate other women. As such, if you choose to have children, you should forget about their existences as soon as they are born and pass them off to a female caretaker of lower social status than yourself. Try and remember your children’s names at least until they’re seventeen years old, so that you can give their names to admissions officers when you’re making the large donation that will assure them a spot at an Ivy League college.

Maybe my feminism doesn’t sound so great. But just remember, it is great. And even if it was not, it’s the best that I have, and also gender is made-up concept which does nothing but limit the range of human possibilities, and also all theoretical discussions are irrelevant and futile given that we live in a Matrix-style virtual reality in which certain unknowable godlike forces determine what we take to meaningful or even existent at all.

This being said, the key platform of my feminism is these 100 issues: Emergency contraception. Plan B should be renamed Plan A.

you. However, I almost never see other women, especially when I’m standing alone in the middle of a large cornfield. Why are all scarecrows men? When I turn on the television, I never see women; I only see static, because I haven’t paid my cable bill in months. However, I can tell from reading old copies of TV Guide from 2002 that women are only offered certain roles: the hot sidekick, the hot love interest, the hot crazy girl, the hot nerd, and the hot old crone feeding pigeons on the street who appears in the background in one scene. Women should be able to play whatever roles they want, especially if that role is stuffing their clothing with hay and standing in a field for 24 hours a day to ward off birds.

Abortion. I know that as a feminist, I’m supposed to support abortion and get as many abortions as possible. But do I have to like it? To be honest, I feel kind of weird about impregnating myself every month, only to get an abortion the next. Six abortions a year (seven on a leap year) takes a toll.

Mansplaining. Whenever I go to Planned Parenthood to get my free abortion, as was promised to me by the Founding Mothers, the male doctors always says, “I think you are getting too many abortions.” Then when I plug my ears and scream unceasingly for as long as I can, the male doctors are always interrupting me, saying, “Stop!” and “Hold her down!”

Body image. Women can come in all shapes and sizes, like pear, apple, pineapple, inverted triangle, helix, small square, tallpointy, backwards, sconce, scone, moan, pone, and those are all of them. Advertisements set an unrealistic standard for women’s bodies; for example, when I see an ad for a sleek car or a silver watch, I think to myself, “There’s no way I could look like that.”

Gendered toys. Why do boys and girls need different toys? When I was a kid, my brothers all got chemistry sets for Christmas, while I got no gifts and instead fashioned a small doll out of loose hairs I gathered from the floor. It kept falling apart. I think anyone could play with that toy, and grow up to be the accomplished chemist I am today.

Sex. Sex is power, power is electricity, electricity is when a charge is placed in a non-zero electric field whose magnitude is given by Coulomb’s Law, and… I lost track of where this was going.

I know that we said there were 100 issues facing women today and I have named 10, but this, in itself, is an important lesson about being a woman: always exaggerate how bad it is, or else no one will listen to you

Representation. It is so important to see women around

AJ

Gendered soaps. Why do men and women need different Telling women to smile. Whenever I get my photo tak- soaps? When I was a kid, the only soap I used was thrown en, people tell me to smile. As a feminist statement, I al- to me in a bucket as I was kept in a very deep hole. ways stick my tongue out and pretend to choke to death as the picture is being taken. This ruins every photo that I Wage gap. Every time I make $1, I immediately deposit am in. It’s so unfair that there aren’t any photos of me in it at the bank. After I hand it over, I have no idea where it which I am not pretending to choke and die. goes, and I have no money.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

28

GHOST STORY

He begins to change, fur falling to the trodden grass, fangs receding. He is naked.

“Gather round,” the camp counselor said, motioning to For one night, he can rejoice in the freedom of self that the children to inch closer and hear his terrible tale. “On most take for granted. He can assume his rightful form. this very hilltop haunts a dreadful ghost. It spies on chil- For one night he is Man. dren who play, and horrifies all who behold it!”

He looks to the moon, takes a deep breath, ready to emit The children quivered, and looked at each other all-a- the sound of his true nature. hush. But little Gaby Wilkins stood up and set her hands on her hips and said, “Well I say, pooh! I ain’t afraid of no “Man, I wish college football lasted all year.” ghosts!”

The counselor met her gaze. “But there are all kinds of ghosts out there! If there’s something that scares you, there’s a ghost that can do it!”

BWM HFJ

LODGE

“I ain’t scared of nothin’” said little Gaby. “Nothing?” -This study is beautiful! Look at this bear skin rug! asked the counselor. “Isn’t there something that scares -That’s no bear. you?”

-Oh my… is that Sasquatch?

-Sasquatch indeed.

Gaby wavered. “Well...I guess I’m afraid of sexual assault.” -Woah, that’s unbel—(spills wine)—oh god! Oh no, I’m so sorry!

“AHHHHH!” screamed the children, and the mole rats -Don’t worry. We’ll have another made. awoke from their slumber and the ju ju beetles came scut- -How? tling out of the forest.

-We (pulls shade, revealing a multitude of squatches in the backyard. Some tend the bonfire, others tend the bar. The ASB squatches don soft clothes with soft colors. The squatch children laugh and run around, infinite summer. Playing volleyball is a lady squatch whose smile makes my heart feel like a soothing, steaming bowl of soup. The lady squatch whispers something to her friend. Giggles. I find I’m giggling, 12am, Christmas morning too. Among the squatches—this is where I need to be. This is home) can shoot one and stuff it no problem.

(Santa comes down the chimney) Little Timmy: (rubbing his eyes) Santa! Is that really you?

HFJ Santa: Would you like grapes, or an apple?

Little Timmy: What?

(Santa goes back up the chimney) (Santa comes back down) Santa: Actually, we don’t have any apples. (walks out the front door)

SANTA

AJ HJH SWR

WEREWOLF A werewolf bounds through dark woods, running until he’s sure no one will discover his true identity. The moon waxes to full.

29

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

HAROLD and the PURPLE CRAYON

FARMER

The moon follows Harold and the Purple Crayon wherever they go. So do I. Harold saw the moon following him. Not happy about it. Has not yet seen me, across street, in room 4D, $25 a night.

Harold drew a new moon with the crayon, but it still follows him. He couldn’t draw a new me if he tried, because he doesn’t know I exist. I’ve drawn him a few times. A nearly bald boy with a 1,000 yard stare. I know him better than he knows himself.

The purple crayon dropped out of Harold’s pocket. I picked it up. It draws whatever you can imagine. The only thing I can draw is more Harolds.

I’ve drawn 40 or 50 Harolds. I don’t do anything with them, I let them walk in random directions . I don’t think it is creepy for a man to draw all these small boys if he gets no pleasure out of it.

After a while I became bored and tried something new.

I lay down on the ground and took the purple crayon, slowly tracing myself with one hand. I stood up to examine the outline. Little stubby hands. Round head. I am a Harold.

—Say, mister farmer sir, I reckon I got a-ways lost stumbling through yonder crick.

—Ah, say no more, young feller, for there’s a blue moon tonight, and strange a-goings are a-fixin’ to happenin’.

—Say it ain’t so, mister farmer sir, what’s kindsa ‘bout strange happenins? A cow piddlin’ in the field by the rickety fence what which done fell over on Mister Bobob last harvest?

—Why darn-tootin’ sure, young june bugger. The cows piddle knee high to a grasshopper, and them ornery roosters nearabout knocken me over with their shuckin’ and skedaddlin’.

—Oh, don’t be lyin’ to me!

—Why your druthers is my ruthers, possum pie. Slap your pappy when under the moon them heffers liken to givin’ blue milk to thern hush puppies and be pitchin’ a fit if the bull ducks hear tell of the blue milk’s givin’ and get a hankerin’ for yeens.

—Oh! Oh my! Mister farmer! I do declare I be gaspin’ and drastlin’ in my tumps! Say it’s naught but an old wives’ tale! Say there’s naught but a lick o’ truth in your tellin’s!

—Sonny, cease your uppity whooping, I got a mind to cattlywamp yon tender juniper grits. Aye, the mares be rutherin’ in thereon hay traffs, and senses bee scarcer en hen’s teeth when the crawdaddies reckon to fightin’ tharm okra varmints.

—Oh! Oh my! My heavens! My heart! Oh! I kain— I kain not belief none of them ol’ yarns, I— oh— oh— (gasps and dies) —(rocks in chair; sucks on a straw) Ain, them yourngsters ayctin loike thain done and never done an’ seen a blue moon before.

Frantically, I drew myself a mustache, a mole, anything to distinguish me, but it’s no use. I gazed at the moon, crying. Then I took the crayon and gave it a body, three hairs, and a 1,000 yard stare. The rule of the universe is simple: AJ everything in it is either a Harold, or a crayon.

ASB

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

30

STUFFED

The KING of the RATS

Walking to the grocery store with my pigeon, I knew it was better to grocery shop early in the morning. The fruits were fresh off their trees then and the employees too sleepy to prevent it. My pigeon, I just had with me. When I took some things from the grocery store, the prequel to another, equally negligible heist, I could put one item in the pigeon.

I meet The Rat King on a Tuesday, ostensibly to sell him a new washing machine. I thought we would meeting in the sewer somewhere, or a dump, perhaps, but The Rat King said that a Starbucks downtown would be fine.

Turns out he lives in a Williamsburg brownstone, and I’m the asshole for making assumptions.

What fits in pigeon: loaf. The pigeon is like an empty chip can someone’d gutted to make an empty chip pigeon and then left to spend its pigeon chip can life in my apartment.

But when I got to the grocery store, I saw that the grocery store was a stack of chairs. Fuck! I couldn’t even get a single chair because the stack’s employees were all wired to them, and when one of the employees got loose, he climbed right into my pigeon and wouldn’t even leave when I tried to sneak a peek inside. I forgot about the employee. I took him in my pigeon home.

LDL

“Piles of garbage are so passé,” he says. “My people and I are rebranding.” He sips a soy chai latte, then hands it to an attendant to hold. He could’ve put it on the table between us, but he doesn’t. He also could have blinked once or twice, but he doesn’t. The Rat King is all about power plays. Also, he doesn’t have eyelids.

“This is a temporary dwelling,” he assures me. “I’m moving to Miami next year. The cold does my skin no favors.”

I nod vehemently.

“Right. So,” I say, “washing machines—.”

“Indubitably,” says the King, and I cannot help but agree.

The Rat King is an enigma to me and to all people, profoundly popular, but also—I suspect, based on his desire to speak with me—profoundly lonely, and profoundly uninterested in laundry (which I find off-putting). His subjects call him “Father,” as do his former lovers. This is not by choice. I call him “The Rat King,” mostly because I don’t know his real name.

Our conversation goes well. The Rat King describes his most recent relationship, his upcoming novel release, and his many hobbies. I say the phrase “washing machines” over and over again, and once have a really long coughing fit. Mostly, though, I listen to the King describe his passion for interspecies dialogue—“dialogue” meaning “sex,” of course, as it always does in all contexts.

“Right. So,” I say, “washing machines—.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth,” says the King.

When we part ways, he hands me his business card and fifteen dollars for my trouble. I might not have sold any washing machines, but I did gain a friend.

LGF

31

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

RAISED by TREES CONTACT

I knew I was different when my parents left me in the forest and none of the animals wanted to raise me. I was a tree-boy. The next time I realized I was different was when the lumberjacks didn’t chop me down after hacking for twenty minutes. The third time was when I realized I was gay.

When they noticed I was human, one of the lumberjacks immediately adopted me after throwing up. We drove back to his place with me strapped to the roof. It bothered me living in his log cabin that was made of trees because the walls were covered in gay slurs. But I never said anything because I couldn’t speak a language.

People in the neighborhood thought I was uncivilized.

They hated that I looked like a kid, acted like a tree, tried to kiss Principal Honeywell, and tried to touch Principal Honeywell. Kids in school hooked me to a tire swing.

They couldn’t use it because I was four feet tall and the slightest touch caused extreme pain. Dragging it to class sucked because it was autumn so my fingers were falling off. I wouldn’t grow new ones until ever.

I had to move out when the lumberjack unexpectedly died after I fell on him. My whole life, I never thought I would kill someone or meet anyone or eat food.

After my move to the city, I was inspired to become a political activist when twenty protestors chained themselves to me. They were blocking bulldozers by chaining themselves to every gay person in town. The dozers wanted to build a highway through the public park, but first they had to drive over all the gay people. Six protester groups had already been driven over then backed up over then driven over again.

I had to do something. I found a microphone and started to speak. Everyone got out of the bulldozers to watch me — they couldn’t look away from the gardener snipping at my gay ears. That very gardener would become my husband.

TAF

Scientists believe that they have made contact with extraterrestrial beings. Below is the transcript of their first conversation, transmitted over radio with the aliens.

Scientist: Hello. Hello is anyone out there?

Aliens: dead air Scientist 2: My god. Their language is silent!

Scientist 3: This is incredible, we’ve done it!

Scientist 4: Scientists are cool!

Scientist: Alright alright, everyone be quiet. Aliens, teach us to speak your language so we can better communicate.

Aliens: nothing Scientist 2: For God’s sake is someone writing this down?

MMM

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

32

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON CROSSWORD

DOWN 1 - Theme of this issue 2 - Across, 18 3 - Reread 13 Across then write that answer here 4 - Another word for 11 Across, but really the same word 5 - The intersection between the Lunar Synodic cycle and the Solar year 6 - 9 Across with a sprinkle or 10 Down 7 - Blue Moon. Seriously it’s just Blue Moon. Write “Blue Moon”.

8 - 2 Down 9 - Yeah, no, same as above.

10 - Another way of saying something only occurs roughly once every three years 12 - 8 Down 14 - 6 Down, 4 Across, 5 Across, 8 Down,10 Across, 7 Across, 11 Across, 5 Down, 13 Across, 15 Across, 18 Across, 9 Down, 17 Across, 1 Down, 8 Across, 2 Down,16 Across, 3 Down, 4 Down, 1 Across, 7 Down, 10 Down, 6 Across, 12 Down, 9 Across, 14 Down 33

ACROSS 1 - Once in a...

4 - See 5 Down 5 - 17 Across 6 - Two moons in one month 7 - 13 Across 8 - A moon that’s a bluish hue 9 - 10 Down 10 - 1 Down 11 - 7 Across 13 - A rare celestial event 15 - Like 8 Across but also similar to 4 Down 16 - A cross between 2 Down and 3 Down 17 - Check out 6 Across 18 - Rhymes with Snue Floon DRM

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

‘JUST TRYNA MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY’ COP: Look, I’m just tryna make it to the end of the day, can we— ‘THROWING HIS COFFEE’ COP: Wait, you let this princess on the team?

COMMISSIONER COP: I know he is but he’s the best we’ve got.

‘I KNOW HE IS BUT HE’S THE BEST WE’VE GOT’ COP: (lights cigarette) ‘THE NEW GUY’ COP: I don’t like coffee yet.

HORSE-MOUNTED COP: (rides in on horse) hWell I just, hRode in from the pasture and– I do declayuh,— FBI-MOLE COP: Man I would haate it if someone from the FBI were here right now.

CONFUSED COP: I’m a cop. You’re a cop. He’s a cop.

CHILDRENS’ BOOK COP: I’m a cop. You’re a cop.

He’s a cop. Bwee-oop bwee-oop bwee-oop.

RECENTLY DIVORCED COP: You can rat out your partner and walk outta hear right now but you can’t have the goddamn dog!

DRUG DOG: (dog noises) UNDERCOVER COP: Eyy Billy. Don’t you worry, long as we keep talkin’ into these wires ain’t nothing these cops can do to nobody (zips up hoodie).

JELLY-DONUT COP: Mmm om homf nom nop om nop clop.

Mall Cop: Hey, Jelly-Donut Cop they have better donuts at Cinnabon.

JELLY-DONUT COP: Wait, what the hell did you just call me?

JUGGLING GUNS COP: Man I sure hope these stop going off soon.

‘LOST THE KEY TO HIS HANDCUFFS’ COP: (internally) Just play it cool. Hold still, and no one will notice your head handcuffed to your leg.

‘WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING COPS?’ COP: Hey I gotta question why are there so many fucking cops?

LONELY COP: I don’t know, but we better get some BAD COP: We have your fingerprints on the gun, the more cops in here.

BILLY THE MURDERER: I did it. doorknob, and the victim, punk.

GOOD COP: Hey just wanted to let you know we do ‘JUST TRYNA MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE not have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, or DAY’ COP: Look, I’m just tryna make it to the end of the day— the victim— ‘BY THE BOOK’ COP: Goddammit I’m getting this SWAT-TEAM COP: (crashes through window) Oh God, I killed the new guy. man an attorney.

LOOSE-CANNON COP: He can have three attorneys JELLY-DONUT COP: Yum. for all I care. I’ll still walk his ass straight to the slammer.

OLD-PETE COP: Back in my day we didn’t have slam- JTB mers, we just had one big hole.

GOOD COP, BAD COP, JELLY-DONUT COP

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

34

ROMANTIC WALK UNDER the STARS BOY: God, it’s a beautiful night. Look at that moon. I love the moon when it’s just almost a full moon, but it’s not quite there. It’s like, that’s me. That’s us. That’s humanity right there.

GIRL: You mean a gibbous moon?

BOY: Sure, but I mean, how does something like that exist?

GIRL: It’s called gibbous.

BOY: Just explain to me how a three-quarter moon like that comes to be? Really makes you think.

GIRL: Ok, but like, acknowledge that it has a specific name.

BOY: Whatever you want to call it, fine by me. I call it beautiful.

GIRL: It is not called “beautiful,” it is called gibbous.

That is the name for the type of moon you are describing.

Just say it.

BOY: (reveals tongue which is abnormally enlarged but in a specific way such that he can pronounce all words perfectly but cannot even come close to saying “gibbous”)

FIRST SECRETARY of the TREASURY to WALK on the MOON -This is one small step for man, and one giant leap for the Treasury.

-(calling in from Houston) Congratulations Secretary Mnuchin. When do you think you’ll get back to Earth though?

-Could be months. I’ll have to build a new rocket ship.

-Ok well you still have a lot of work left to do down here.

-It’s fine, I’ll get to it later.

-No, I know you won’t.

SWR

JGS

MEETING the MOON PEOPLE -Welcome to Earth. As you can see, it’s filled with gorgeous scenery and greenery and life.

-Nice! On the moon, we have a ton of gray holes!

-Oh, neat.

-I almost forgot: we also have a cool flag in the ground!

-Yeah, so we actually have, like, a lot of cool flags…

HFJ

METEOR SHOWER -So, you watching the big meteor shower tonight?

-…

-(clears throat) I said, you watching the big— -No. And I’m actually really mad at you for pushing me down the stairs a minute ago.

HJH 35

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

HURRICANE SEASON

-I’ve just kissed a girl named Maria, And suddenly I’ve found My little island of Puerto Rico has been ravaged by hurri- How wonderful a sound canes this month. This morning, as wind from yet another Can be! storm blew today’s edition of The Daily Puerto Rican into my Maria! face, I couldn’t help but read the headline. “Fuck,” it said, Say it loud and there’s music playing, “Another Hurricane On The Way.” But something about this Say it soft and it’s almost like praying. one was different… (whispering) Maria! Maria! Maria! (spoken) -Maria . . .

(I begin to sing) -The most beautiful sound I ever heard: Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .

(the entire town, gathered below me as I stand triumphantly on San Juan’s only remaining roof, claps and weeps) -Gracias, TBW

(My neighbor opens a window lodged in the side of a palm tree) -Shut the fuck up!

-Maria!

I’ve just met a girl named Maria, And suddenly that name Will never be the same To me.

Maria! (another neighbor, from his bathtub in the middle of the street) -Hey, this guy’s got a pretty good voice.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

36

MOONSHINE -Evenin’, officer. What seems to be the problem?

-Problem is, we got reports that fellas is runnin’ moonshine, and you got a car full o’ bottles.

-Aw that? Ain’t nothing but some spare gasoline.

-If it’s really gasoline, then you wouldn’t mind takin’ a swig?

-I’m not sure I foller that logic.

-Ain’t nothin’ to foller but these instructions: get to sippin’.

-(sips) OK, that hurt real bad. It’s gasoline, all right.

-Nothin’s proved until you finished a couple bottles.

-Just… (gags) gasoline… (gags) -Go on, son.

-(goes blind) -Good. Gooooood.

HFJ

QUESTION So answer this, how can we believe that we landed on the moon when on July 20, 1969 the moon was a waxing crescent? How did the astronauts not slide right off like I do when I’m on a big snowboard ramp?

BWM

SHOOTING STARS People think shooting stars are rare, but I see one every morning, when I see the sun shoot up from the east.

AJ 37

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

COOL THINGS I CAN SAY WHEN I LAND on the MOON

by NEIL ARMSTRONG —That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. And now, the longest leap in human history, by me, Neil Armstrong, taking advantage of how there are no rules against low-gravity Track and Field attempts.

Wh In t en th e NA he eye moo n SA me really hits y ssed frea ou BW up king M the h ma ard th

— Hey everyone, I’m Neil Armstrong and this is the first time anyone has helicoptered their penis on the moon.

Ok, so they’re not gonna cut the TV feed if I helicopter my penis. This is a historic moment. They just have to let me do it.

—Alright Buzz, I’m gonna try out some catchphrases here. Daddy’s home! Who’s hungry? Eat up! Don’t mind if I do! I’m back! Annnnnnd yoink! To the telescopes! Slurp it, baby. Don’t try this at home! Hey... make it moontastic! Ain’t nothing but a thing. It’s moon o’clock. No, it’s half past moon o’clock. Mmmm, Neil likey. Buzz, I think the boom’s in the shot. The boom’s in the shot.

Buzz, baby, work with me. Annnnnnnd bath time!

HJH JGS AJ

A POEM When the moon hits your eye Like I just did to that pizza guy Oh shit, the cops BWM ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

38

MY TRIP TO CLEVELAND FROM THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT Dear ladies and mostly gentlemen of the Lampoon, I have an exciting announcement. We’re going to Las Vegas for an all-staff vacation to Sin City, where strippers run the streets and the streets run with booze, and more strippers! Hooray!

There’s just one thing. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money to send everyone. That’s why I have chosen one staff member to go, and it is you, Nicholas Stephen Grundlingh. Congratulations!

Unfortunately, we also don’t have the money to go to Las Vegas. That is why you are going to Cleveland, Ohio!

Many, many congratulations!

Unfortunately, it’s too expensive to buy round-trip tickets. That’s why I have purchased, for you, Nick, a one-way ticket to Cleveland, Ohio, leaving in just 10 days! Again, congratulations!

Just a few things to note: • According to Google Flights, this flight has below average legroom so it will be pretty uncomfortable for you • You leave on Tuesday 9/26, at 5:50am • You must make it back for office hours on the night of Wednesday 9/27 • Again, and I have already said this, I will not pay for your return ticket • However, I genuinely paid money for this ticket so you have to go. It is a non-refundable ticket • On the “Special Travel Needs” section I indicated that you were both blind and deaf • I will give you $5 as pocket change/spending money for the trip • You owe me a $10 “booking fee” for this trip Have fun, and congratulations again, Alice Ju President 39

I’m going to be honest with you, reader—my sophomore fall didn’t get off to a great start. Sure, I had a few things going for me: a n+1 suite in Adams (the “Adams of the Quad,” which is Pfoho), an early admit offer from the Porcellian Club, the healthy sex life I had maintained since middle school, and a regular brain with no learning disorders. But still, I felt like there was a gaping void in my life that could never be fulfilled, no matter how many drugs I took away from friends who were trying to stay clean or how much meaningless sex I saved women from by being an incredibly selfless lover.

Suffice it to say, I was depressed, and since suicide wasn’t an option given my fear of death, I knew I needed to find some kind of cure. So in order to overcome my death-phobia, I turned to Eastern philosophy, but found the concept of reincarnation even scarier than the already extremely terrifying idea of going to heaven. Therefore, without the comforting certainty that death would be the end of all existence, suicide remained something I could only watch Pennsylvania State Treasurer Budd Dwyer (R-PA) do on YouTube or in the hundreds of flip book animations I had drawn.

So I began to see a psychiatrist, and after a few months of going out with her, I made an appointment with an analyst. While some people may dislike the idea of paying $200 to lie on a leather couch while some quack with a clipboard administers electroconvulsive shocks to your body whenever Dr. Milgram orders him to do so, I actually found it pretty helpful. For example, when I told my analyst about my fantasy where I walk into Sanders Theater with a fully loaded AR-15 to deliver a lecture on how to disarm an active shooter, he said it was just an expression of my resentment towards my father, who, back in the 80s, became the first “good guy with a gun” after he shot John Lennon.

Eventually, my analyst and I decided that it would do me some good to take a break and just get away from it all, so I applied to study abroad in Paris. But boy, did I feel stupid when I found out that, instead of applying to study in Paris, France, I had accidentally joined an ISIS training camp in Abu Kamal, Syria. Luckily, after only a week of training, I was sent home when a camp counsel-

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

or caught me drawing a cartoon of Muhammad getting his dick sucked while I was in the girls’ dormitory after lights out.

As luck would have it, my flight back to Boston was hijacked by terrorists, who wanted to replicate the horrors of 9/11 by crashing the plane into a field in Pennsylvania. Luckily, I was able to overpower the terrorists and redirect the flight into the Pentagon. Anyways, here are some photos of when I went to Cleveland six years ago.

NSG

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

40

MY FIFTY SHADES of GREY FAN FICTION

I look at myself in the mirror with disappointment. Damn. I’m still just the same old me. I was as ordinary looking as usual, and no boy would want to have sex with me, probably ever. Plus, I had shaved my hair when I was drunk yesterday, and it still hadn’t grown back.

I guess I have to give up on my dream that a wealthy, handsome older man would take me into his sex dungeon and ravish me, I think to myself. I study botany in college, not English, so I do not know about dramatic irony.

Kate, my roommate, has picked today of all days to develop typhoid fever. “Ugh, Kate, wasn’t typhoid fever cured, like, two hundred years ago?” I complain. She ignores me and throws up blood. Even with a rash on her face that looks like either a cute cat or “BUSH DID 9/11,” Kate is still gorgeous, unlike plain old little me.

I roll my eyes and turn back to the mirror. Still no hair.

I guess my only option is to put on a beanie that says “SLUT” across the front.

I have final exams to study for, a shift at the grocery store where I work as a meat inspector, and on top of all that, I still haven’t lost my virginity. Now I have to cover for Kate by meeting some rich businessman who made his fortune by catching one small fish, using that to catch a bigger fish, using that to catch a whale, and chopping up the whale to catch one hundred small fish, which sold for one dollar each at the local fish market. Whatever.

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me,” says Kate. Wait, Kate develop some sort of telekinetic ability as a result of her blazingly high fever? “I’m not reading your mind,” Kate replies crossly. “You’re just accidentally thinking out loud again.” Damn, Kate is so annoying. “I heard that,” says Kate.

“Wait, did you say that this guy is… hot?” I ask.

“Yes, he is very hot but very mysterious,” she responds.

“Many beautiful women have tried to seduce him but he has rejected every one of them. No one knows what he’s into.” I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. Weird?

Guy? He sounded perfect for me. Before Kate had even finished the sentence, I had bolted out the door.

“Wait, can you change my bedpan before you go?” I heard Kate yell. But it was too late; I was already gone.

I sprint out the door to the nearest car I can find and smash the window with my bare fist. I jump in, head41

first. It only takes me three hours to hotwire the car—a new record for me—and before I know it, I’m flooring the gas pedal, going a hundred miles an hour toward the man of my dreams. Four hours, three speeding tickets, and one arrest later, I find myself at the headquarters of Grey International Enterprises and Regional Fishery. It’s a humble fisherman’s shack.

I walk in, and gasp. The building looked so much larger inside than the exterior betrayed. Also, there were way more fish heads than I usually expect for a business office (and I expected at least four to five thousand).

“Don’t think about it too much,” says a receptionist from behind a solid gold desk. Damn, is everyone in my life telekinetic? “No, you are talking out loud,” says the receptionist. The receptionist’s features are even better than a swimsuit model’s—she is at least seven feet tall, with quadruple E-breasts. She’s dressed immaculately.

I’m beginning to wish I wore something nicer than my “Spring Break 2k15” t-shirt with the nipples cut out. Oh well.

“I’m here to see Mr. Grey.”

“It’s Monsieur Grey to you.”

Oh. I didn’t know he was French.

“He is not French; he just prefers to be called Monsieur Grey. Anyway, Monsieur Grey is out of his office right now. He likes to, uh, work with his hands.”

The phrase sends tingles throughout my body and causes me to have a grand mal seizure. When I regain consciousness, the receptionist announces, “Monsieur Grey is in now. His office is on the twentieth floor.” How funny—this small fisherman’s cabin didn’t seem like it had one floor from the outside, let alone twenty.

I step out of the elevator and into a room that would have been looking out onto the Seattle skyline if there were any windows. I sit down and fumble through my bag for a pen and paper, but I can only find a pill bottle of Vicodin I had swiped from Kate earlier and a half-empty bag of Cheetos I had also stolen from Kate.

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of the most attractive man I had ever laid eyes on—alabaster skin, eyes like two shining suns, and hair so thick it weighs down his head and gives him a hunchback. My breath catches in my throat and I begin choking on my own tongue. This must be Mr. Grey.

“Gracias, Manuel! Es suficiente por today.” A wizened old geezer with a peg leg steps out of the shadows and smiles at me, revealing a single crooked tooth. “Sorry, ma’am. That’s Manuel, our window-washer. He was just leaving,” he says.

Oh, no. Just as I finish cursing Kate under my

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

breath, a decently good-looking, twenty-something year old enters the room. “That’s enough, Joachim, thank you,” he says to the old man. His voice was deep, like a hole. “That’s Joachim. He manages our window-washers.

I am Mr. Grey. Please, come into my office.”

As I follow him into his office, I suddenly remember that being clumsy is one of my most notable qualities, in addition to being plain-looking. Purely coincidentally, I trip over my own feet and land in Monsieur Grey’s arms.

“Ahhh!” he shouts, startled, and immediately drops me.

My head hits the ground with a dull thunk and I break my nose.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologize, using my t-shirt to stem the bleeding from my nose in such a way so that my en-

tire torso is exposed, revealing my “I stand with President Bush when he says he didn’t do 9/11” tattoo. “Don’t worry,” he replies. Then, with to himself with a soft chuckle: “I have a lot of experience cleaning up blood. Because I am into weird, painful sex. Also, I am a serial killer.”

Fuck, that is hot. All the blood rushes to my nether regions and my nosebleed ceases immediately.

AJ

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

42

FILM NOIR

I told her the only thing she had to fear is that I would find her too fast, or that she was already murdered. Either The year was December 17th, winter to be exact. Out- way I would need some time to get the facts straight and side my office it was a wet, dark afternoon—the type of a stiff gin and tonic—shaken, hold the tonic. The girl’s afternoon you don’t bring home to meet mother. Inside I name was Bella Boscoe, and her sister’s name was Stella sat, drowning my sorrows in my signature cocktail, scotch Scoscoe, a real twisty gal who lived downtown and hung and cup, when she walked in. out at a dirty joint called “The Punky Puss.” I checked around and apparently she’d been dating Slim Jim JackShe had a body that could get glue off and legs that went son, a hefty fella who went by the name of “Husky Joe.” on for miles. Her face could make all the holy angels in heaven really really horny. Her shoes didn’t match her I walked into the club to be greeted by the stench of vomdress. She came in frantically saying something about how it, coming from my vomit-covered jacket. Half the town her sister had gone missing after hanging around a “bad was at this watering hole where a lady with fruit on her crowd” and she wanted me, the city’s only private detec- head was singing about some guy who left her. I would tive open past 5pm on a Sunday, to track her down. The have to use all the skills I had learned over the years in girl had gone bananas… But maybe just banana enough order to remain unseen and quiet—too quiet… After to get me out my slump. Looked like my bucket of bour- snooping around the room for a bit I found Husky Joe, bon appletini tonight would be a double. sitting at the craps table, bragging to his goombas about 43

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

all his favorite crimes. I ordered a whiskey and vodka neat at the bar and inconspicuously stared at him unblinkingly waiting for him to make a move. He finally stepped out into the alley for a smoke, so I followed behind and once we turned off the strip, I fired two warning shots directly into his back.

“Freeze, punk!” I shouted as he dropped to the floor out STEVE HARVEY: Incorrect. Next up is Parker Smith. of fear and intimidation. Then I questioned him for half Now Parker, what is the hardest password you can think an hour. He wasn’t budging. This guy was good. But I of? noticed something in his criminal pocket. A love letter DAVE: Son, don’t feel sad if you fail. This is impossible. from Stella Scoscoe. My dearest Joe, I’ll love you forever. PARKER: Dad, I got this. You just have to trust me. Here If we’re ever separated, I’ll always return to the old meat goes nothing. X795E42JTCD3792DFR249D. STEVE HARVEY: Show me freezer from our youth. Always? That was tonight!

X795E42JTCD3792DFR249D! MMM

FAMILY FEUD STEVE HARVEY: Next question on the board goes to STEVE HARVEY: And now we move to the Solomon the Smith family. Dave we’ll start with you. family for a chance steal!

DAVE: I’m ready, Steve.

(Solomon family forms a huddle to plan their answer) STEVE HARVEY: We surveyed 1 man and asked: What STEVE HARVEY: Marc Solomon, what is the hardest— is the hardest password you can think of?

MARC: Amanda with two m’s! Amanda with two m’s!

STEVE HARVEY: Show me Amanda with two m’s!

DAVE: Uhh... Umm.... Wait. No.

JGS

STEVE HARVEY: Out of time! Carol Smith, you’re up next. We asked one man: What is the hardest password you can think of?

CAROL: Password?

STEVE HARVEY: Show me “password”!

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

44

FIGHT CLUB

MOVIE FRANCHISE

TYLER DURDEN: First rule of Fight Club, no talkin’ bout Fight Club!

ALL: Yes! TYLER DURDEN: Second rule of Fight Club: no talkin’ about Fight Club, got it?

ALL: Yes! TYLER DURDEN: Well those are the rules.

ALL: Yes! TYLER DURDEN: Now let’s fight!

ME: (pulls out a gun) TYLER DURDEN: What! What the fuck!

ME: (fires into the crowd) You said there were only two rules!

TYLER DURDEN: There are other, unspoken rules!

ME: (shoots Tyler in the arm) You were right, Tyler, this feels AMAZING! TYLER DURDEN: (furiously dodging bullets) Guys.

Please. Come on. I think we can all agree this goes against the spirit of the Fight Club. Guys...

ALL: (pick up guns and start shooting) TYLER DURDEN: Wait! The third rule of Fight Club is, no— ALL: No talkin’ bout Fight Club!

ME: (shoots Tyler in both legs and the head) TYLER DURDEN: (unsuccessfully ducks for cover behind Robert Paulson, played by Meatloaf) Yowch!

THE PIXIES: Ooooohhhhhh, Where is My Mind?

The Danish Girl - A biopic in which Academy Award-winning actor Eddie Redmayne plays a man who, after dressing up as a woman for his wife’s art project, decides to permanently become a woman.

AJ MVS ‘17

The Danish Girl Girl - This inspirational film focuses on the true tale of Eddie Redmayne who, after dressing up as a woman for the majority of a Hollywood production, decides to permanently become a woman.

The Danish Girl Girl Girl - The real life story of a young actor who, after playing Eddie Redmayne in a movie about his decision to permanently become a woman after acting in a movie about a man’s decision to permanently become a woman, decides to permanently go into politics, but not before undergoing gender reassignment surgery.

The Danish Danish Girl Girl Girl - The Danish Girl Girl Girl, but dubbed in Danish.

The Danish Danish Girl Girl Girl Girl - After recording the protagonist’s lines for The Danish Danish Girl Girl Girl, a Scandinavian voice actor decides to permanently speak like a woman.

The Danish Danish Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl - A movie about actor who played the voice actor. Pretty much what you’d expect. However, it breaks from The Danish Girl tradition in the sense that it’s animated and exclusively voiced by a Japanese computer program capable of human speech, thus ensuring no actor has to play the titular role, which has become widely regarded as almost definitely cursed.

NSG

45

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

APOLOGY to READERS

KEYNOTE SPEECH

-And that is how Denta-Firm is changing the game, as the world’s first ever blood-free toothpaste for women. I’ll Dear Teen Vogue Readers, now take some questions. You, sir.

-Yeah, it sounded like you just said “blood-free,” which We, the editorial staff at Teen Vogue would like to apol- you hadn’t mentioned at any other point in your speech ogize for the piece that ran in our October issue titled before?

“Do Werewolves Got Dicks?” We now know better. Yes, -That is correct. werewolves got dicks. The intern who wrote this piece has -So are you saying Denta-Firm is the first blood-free been hanged. toothpaste for women, or like, the first blood-free toothpaste ever?

MAS -Our scientists were the first ever to synthesize toothpaste without using human blood, and we’re set on marketing our product toward women.

-…

-…

-And are people okay with that? Did everyone know -Do you guys still sell Shamrock Shakes? about this but me?!

-Yup! -Please, sir…

-… Even though it’s April 1st?

-(old man in the back, rising up) Ahem! My fellow peers.

-Yes! I, too, was troubled by this revelation that toothpaste is -… And technically not still March? made of blood. But as it is a necessity for maintaining -Yeah! one’s good hygiene, and I refuse to purchase toothpaste -Ok I’ll have one Shamrock Shake then. for women, I will continue my use of regular toothpaste, -Here ya go! (pours cup of spiders into driver’s seat) while respectfully purchasing Denta-Firm for my wife -Jesus, what the fuck? and effeminate son. Thank you for all your work, doctor.

-April Fool’s! That’s our Prank Shake.

-(applause) -Ohhhh that’s right, I forget every year haha.

DRIVE THRU

SWR

SWR

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

46

The FASTEST AIRLINE in the WORLD Rich Pendellbottom here, owner of Lightning Planes, the only airline that promises planes as fast as lightning, and hopes that won’t come back to bite it. My team of highly trained… people and I have been hard at work for over many many lots of years developing the fastest airline in the world. I’m talking no wait-lines, immediate takeoff, the fastest planes in the world, pilots on cocaine, stewardesses on meth, hell, the luggage loaders are on so hopped up on speed they rarely even get the bags on the plane.

Less weight. Faster planes. And that’s a Lightning Plane Guarantee.

How do we make our planes so fast and our prices so low while strictly adhering to all of the FAA’s rules and regulations? Look our planes are really fast, ok? Don’t look into it.

The idea for Lightning Planes came to me quite easily, in fact. I thought to myself, “What’s the worst part of flying?”

The horrific violent fit you break into as soon as the plane starts moving. Neither I, nor my team of psychiatrists on retainer, could figure out how to solve that one so I asked myself, “What’s the second worst part about flying.” The second violent fit upon descent. But the third worst part is the time. Boom. Lighting Planes was formed. And you can take that to the bank.

stint, we’ve fallen back to artificial cheetah blood like all the other airlines.

Hey, what’s the deal with airline food? No food on our planes. There’s no time.

Got a trip coming up? Finally taking the family to Europe for the summer? No? Going to Milwaukee for a fune—oh God, I’m so sorry for your loss… You know, we could get you to Paris in 45 minutes.

Lightning Planes! The company you can trust, the people you can trust, the speed you can trust. Trust me.

MMM

AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION GUIDELINES Every year, the ADA releases some guidelines for people to follow to have cleaner, healthier teeth. These are some of their most useful tips: For Halloween: Stay home When building a treehouse: Don’t chomp into the wood

Instead of making our valued customers spend hours, sometimes weeks standing in line for the one or two At the cafeteria: available metal detectors, we have absolutely no security. Eat the mystery meat Doesn’t this open us up to the possibility of attacks, you ask? Wow! Look at that plane! That’s a fast plane.

At the Democratic National Convention: Eat the mystery meat Lightning Planes was the first airline to use actual cheetah blood in their engines. After that disastrous two-week DPF

47

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

GASHAPON The terms gashapon (ガシャポン) or gachapon (ガチャ ポン) refer to a variety of vending machine-dispensed capsule toys popular in Japan and elsewhere. “Gashapon” is a Japanese onomatopoeia composed of two sounds: “gasha” (or “gacha”) for the sound of a crank on a toy vending machine, and “pon” for the sound of the toy capsule dropping into the receptacle.

DAUGHTER: Father-san, can I please get a toy from the gashapon?

FATHER: Yes, daughter. Here, take this 100 yen coin and see what you get. (gasha… pon!)

DAUGHTER: There is no toy in this capsule, only water!

FATHER: Here, take another 100 yen coin and try again.

DAUGHTER: ...Water again!

FATHER: Excuse me, store owner, your gashapon machine is a scam!

STORE OWNER: That’s our ice machine.

WOMAN: Time to try my luck at the gashapon machine! (gasha...pon....pon…..pon….pon….ponponponponponponponpon….ponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponponpon!)

WOMAN: I did it! I won! I won!

STORE OWNER: Get away from the ice machine.

MAN: Aghhhhh!! I’m on fire!! I’m having third-degree burns!!

PASSERBY: Someone get this man some ice from the ice machine! (gasha…………………………….)

PASSERBY: Why is no ice coming out?

STORE OWNER: The woman from before ran off with all the ice.

PET CEMETERY 2: The RETURN DEAR ALICE Dear Pet Cemetery AJ, I have a pet piece I would like to bury publish in your issue. This pet piece is a human funny one. Don’t worry: our relationship was that of a it’s about a pet and his master. Don’t worry 2: he was not a slave it is not about slavery. I understand that you have size requirements don’t want to run a piece about slavery, but my pet was not human-sized piece has some pretty hilarious observations about pet cemeteries, which is what allowed me to catch him deal with controversial topics like power dynamics tastefully in the first place. Humans are technically animals, and my pet was even more technically an animal piece was really good and funny. While he could solve puzzles, he could only solve the kind designed for crows I understand your decision to not run a piece about slavery, but I seriously love pet cemeteries as, like, a concept, so it feels unfair for you to rob me of that experience. He The piece was very hairy funny and great, though not where you’d expect about slavery. I miss my pet piece in this troubling time.

I would bury my pet piece in a regular cemetery comedy magazine or in a lake McSweeney’s, but I just couldn’t do that to my pet piece, whom I miss so much.

I did not kill my pet. Not directly, at least. Please let me publish my piece. Thanks.

MAS

AJ SWR

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

48

GUINNESS BOOK of WORLD RECORDS - Which record did you break?

- Most slices of bread toasted in one minute.

- Whoa. So how many did you toast?

- Four.

- Oh. I mean I guess that record kinda depends on— - The record completely depends on the toaster and not the person.

- Yeah. Is the toaster here?

- Yeah but you have to wait in line to see it.

- And for the 78th year in a row, I am excited to announce…

- Fuck you Guinness World Records!

- …that the Guinness Book of World Records…

- Booooo!!!

- …wins the record for best book of world records. Thank you.

- This is rigged! Shut it down!!

- And Telemundo Book of World Records wins worst book of world records again. Thank you very much.

- Will the underdog ever win?

SWR

PERU

ANNOUNCER: The female winner for “Longest Fingernails” is: Shayna Bloom!

SHAYNA: (flailing manicured nails) Yas honey! I am so DAVE: All set for the trip to Peru, Senator?

SENATOR RILEY: You bet! I just can’t wait to take a pee beautiful. inside of it.

ANNOUNCER: And the male winner for “Longest FinDAVE: You must have misheard—I was asking about the gernails” is: Ganoofo Tanüd! upcoming trip to Peru.

GANOOFO: (flailing filthy wad of fingernails on each hand) Mmmmmmm!! Here come the pretty nails! Who SENATOR RILEY: Yes. And I said, I cannot wait to take a pee inside of Peru. wants to be caressed by the fingernails!

DAVE: I don’t think I quite understand, Senator.

ANNOUNCER: Congratulations to all.

SENATOR RILEY: I am going to go to Peru and unload a huge stream of steaming piss inside of Peru. I will open - Which record did you break?

- The record for most babies tortured! Mwa ha ha ha ha!! it up and release a stinkin’ rivulet of my hot urine into - Cool dude, very cool. Check it out—I won “largest ball Peru.

DAVE: Senator! of human hair.” Couldn’t be happier for myself.

SENATOR RILEY: (knowing smile) Dave, Peru is the - What the fuck. name of my horse.

DAVE: (affectionate chuckle) My apologies, sweet sire!

SHK

49

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

MEME

Once in a Crab Rangoon #

You’ve heard of Once in a Blue Moon #, now get ready for Dunce in a Glue Dune #

Stunts in a Jew Saloon #

Months in a Zoo Spoon #

SWR ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

50

BURIED TREASURE - (looking at map) Alright, X marks the spot, so let’s start digging right here.

- What about where the map says “BURIED TREASURE” and has a huge arrow pointing that way?

- (starting digging) I don’t know what to tell you. It is common knowledge that X marks the spot.

- Ok, I’m gonna dig over there though. (some minutes later) - Hey man, I just brushed aside some sand and I found this huge chest filled with gold.

- (from deep inside hole) That’s nice. I’m still digging.

- I think this is the buried treasure, man. There are like, thousands of jewels, and scepters, and like diadems, and orbs, and like circlets, and staffs, and jeweled maces, and like anointing objects.

- (voice growing fainter) That’s nice.

- Also I just licked my finger and rubbed the map, and I think that “X” was just a smudge. Because I just rubbed it away. With my finger.

- (faint voice says something indistinguishable) - Are you ok? (some hours later) - Alright, I found the treasure.

- Really?

- Yeah. I dug really deep and uncovered this ball of worms.

Check it out.

For visual reference:

AJ 51

“Caption this!”

WEIRD SOUND ME: (whispering) Sop sop sop sop sop.

ME: Does anyone hear that?

SCOTT: Hear what?

ME: Be quiet. I heard something weird.

ME: (whispering) Sop sop sop sop sop sop.

SCOTT: I don’t— ME: (walking to the corner and feeling around) I think it’s coming from over here.

SCOTT: That’s my stuff. Can you stop touching my stuff?

ME: (As I rifle through Scott’s stuff) Look, man. I’m doing you a favor. I’m gonna figure out where this weird sound is coming from.

SCOTT: I think you’re— ME: (holds up a copy of Time magazine with the Pope on the cover; it’s covered in lipstick kisses) Why do you have this? (silence) Me: (whispering) Sop sop sop sop sop sop.

SCOTT: Why do you have a screwdriver? Are you—wait, are you taking apart my sink?

ME: (looking into the hole in the wall where the faucet was attached) I think it’s coming from here.

SCOTT: Wait lemme look— ME: Eh, it’s probably nothing. (leaves) AJ

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER

the fuck is Tiffany Himalaya?!

—Here!

—Great. Okay, and next is Zaboomafoo Jipperjammer.

Ms. Jipperjammer are you here? Zaboomafoo Jipperjammer. Okay, absent. How about Etiquette Nipentuck? Is Etiquette here today? Absent. Rippledink Portabelloon?

Okay, Rippledink is absent. Okay, I just feel like it’s odd that… Smart Pundlesbaster? Smart. Smart Pundlesbaster.

Absent. Minderfrinder Punderbunder? Minderfrinder, where are you? Okay well, absent. Nathaniel Punderbunder? Okay, Nathaniel is absent. Stampede—okay now this has got to be a joke. Stampede Punderbunder are you here? Stampede? Okay. Okay, no Stampede today. Absent.

Wallace Punderbunder? Wallace please raise your hand if you are present. Wallace Punderbunder.

—Here.

—Okay great. Office Smallhart? Okay, no Office. Okay.

Orfice Smelley? Orfice, are you here? Okay, absent. Zipcart Zullivan? Zipcart. Zipcart, please say if you are present. Is Zipcart Zullivan here? No. Okay, that’s final. Okay, it looks like Zipcart is absent today. No Zipcart. Are we all sure that Zipcart is not here today?

—Here.

—Okay, great. That’s everyone. And that’s all the time we have left in class today. Have a great summer.

—Okay everybody please quiet down! I’ll be your substitute teacher for today. Let’s take attendance. Miranda Aarnolds?

—Here!

—Ok. Jared Aaronson?

—Here.

—Great. Ok, now Grant Abercromie? Grant? No. Okay, absent. Blake Beltfort? Blake. Okay, absent. Billson Brechtelsbillson? Billson. Billson, are you here? Billson.

Okay, absent. Ripley Buntornobunt? Okay, Ripley is absent. Wow a lot of people absent today. Smirnoff Congas?

Smirnoff? Smirnoff Congas. Okay, absent. Taunch Cupboord? Is Taunch—what kind of name is… okay, Taunch Cupboord are you here? Okay, Taunch is absent. Derek Doorfriend? Last call for Derek Doorfriend… Okay, absent again. Okay, and next is Pitter… Pitter Frallforall.

Pitter are you—Jesus Christ. Where is everybody? Okay, Pitter is absent then. Reginal… oh my fucking god. Reginal Farbank? Reginal. Reginal Farbank are you in the room? This has got to be a fucking—there’s no way that all those people I named… okay that’s it, Reginal is absent. What now, Tiffany Himalaya? Jesus, you’ve got to SWR be—is there really someone named Tiffany Himalaya in the building? Tiffany! Where are y—oh my god. Where

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

52

The CKJ PIECE

CKJ: it was 4th CKJ: now I’m on 11th 😎

SWR: is $84.26 ok for pizza?

SWR: plus tip CKJ: 😑 CKJ: Whateverrrrrrr SWR: :( CKJ: I don’t want people to be mad at me CKJ: Because there’s no parm balls Wednesday 9:37 CKJ: it’s phsyics night CKJ: lots of snacks CKJ: i love it for the snakcs Thursday 7:13 SWR: can u send me the card info

CKJ: Lol CKJ: Make him pay money to us SWR: 6 nights at a himalayan resort AEV: How are we gonna get there AEV: Hike CKJ: No CKJ: Don’t diss The Riverman For our readers, this is a poem by Elizabeth Bishop CKJ: I’m sad now CKJ: Omg just fell down the steps of widener CKJ: After reading the reviews I’ve determine CKJ: Determined CKJ: That the boots can go under pants

CKJ: Lol CKJ: (much later) Love Facebook

AJ: SWR and i are actually trying to write a piece about CKJ: I am the voice of reason you One person reacted with a “thumbs down” CKJ: That would make me so happy CKJ: Maybe it would help me to understand myself CKJ: I’m rlly confused CKJ: Is my Seinfeld shirt not cocktail attire

CKJ: Sorry was in therapy

CKJ: Ya

CKJ: Truly I can never recover from this

CKJ: Omg what

CKJ: Which means what?

CKJ: Like , worse heartbreak to come?

CKJ: Ya

CKJ: (after reading this piece) This made me laugh a lot CKJ: But to be fair CKJ: I don’t think these are not my best

CKJ: Lol CKJ: Lollll omg best thing ever CKJ: Ugh CKJ: I do love Daria CKJ: But I guess no one really wants to Be Daria

CKJ AJ SWR

SWR: What I break her heart SWR: Or she…...breaks mine SWR: *what if CKJ: Are u drunk CKJ: Scott don’t be afraid of ~love~ CKJ: Lol they’re took Scott’s ID SWR: Was ur room on 6th floor this past summer CKJ: lol 53

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

LAMPY’S PIECE-A-DAY CAPTION CONTEST COMPETITION Readers, try your hand at captioning the image below!

Gather round childer n’ I’ll tell ya a tale as old as time, I’ll tell ya of Lampy’s piece-a-day n’ I’ll make it rhyme.

It was a piece per day them poonsters set out to write, Little they knew, them fifteen days’d be a hell of a fight.

Was back in the good ol’ days ‘fore this land was tamed, When men were men n’ women were this one Chinese-American dame.

I’ll give ya the characters that make up our cast: Cowgirls and caballeros writin’ half-assed.

I reckon it all started round ‘bout high noon.

Marshall Dylan rode in to rally the Lampoon.

El Vaquero Scott said “jajaja I’ll wrangle ‘em in.”

Wholesome ol’ farmer Henry said “I’ll be joinin’ in.”

So did Jack the Mitzvah Kid, hisself just a young’n.

Grizzled gunslinger Hillman said “I’ll help pal.”

They even got Alice, the dang’rous killer gal.

N’ the townsfolk: Alec, Liana, n’ Tom All set out to lasso pieces n’ maybe that Iraqi dictator Saddam.

The first couple a’ nights was slow n’ tough.

With the townsfolk bowin’ out, sayin’ “nuff’s enuff,” Things were lookin’ dark for the Poon.

The Mitzvah Kid whined “we’ll all be dust soon.”

Then cool, funny, talented Marshall Dylan Said “Nah dawg, we be straight chillin’.”

The Splendid Six hopped on their broncos, N’ El Vaquero cheered “jajaja pieces pieces pronto.”

Hillman, he done wrote Hand Sanit-eezer.

Bubble came outta Henry, the ol’ geezer.

Alice wen’ n’ put in a Talking Heads list.

The Mitzvah Kid wrote a Killer, despite an infected cyst.

Dylan dug deep to pull out a piece called Diamonds.

El Vaquero came up with World Records after some minin’.

Please submit any entries by January 11th by calling (858) 243-2809 and stating your caption aloud. You may call anytime, day or night.

The top two-thirds is a blue sky and the bottom third is a green, rolling plain. The sun is on the right side, about five-eighths up and three-fourths of the way over. There are several lines emanating the sun to indicate that it is shining. Below and around the sun are several soft clouds, which do not obstruct the sun’s rays. There are six birds, indicated by V-shaped lines, flying through the clouds. In the background, on the left topmost hill sits a red barn. Behind the barn is a fence that stretches across to the other side. On the fence is a rooster pointing its head toward the sky. A speech bubble is coming out of its mouth as it says “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” Next to it is a hen crossing its arms and looking at the rooster like, “What, this again?” Eight millimeters to the right in the background is a gray palomino horse pulling a plow next to a John Deere tractor. The horse looks shiftily at the tractor like, “Ai-yai-yai…” In the midground is a businessman who is holding a chicken instead of a briefcase. Next to him is a briefcase in a nest, laying eggs. One of the eggs rolls into a golf course in the foreground on the right hand side. The egg rolls into a hole. The flag next to the hole pops up and says, “Hole in one!” A chicken walks by and says, “Birdy.” All this is happening through the window of an office, where a woman in a pantsuit is sitting behind the desk. In front of her is a chicken wearing a tie and smoking a cigarette, his button-down shirt halfopen as he has clearly just had intercourse. A bobblehead of Richard Nixon sits on the desk, and a speech bubble emerges, saying, “I am not a crook!” The real Richard Nixon peeks out behind the desk and mugs for the camera. A small speech bubble, indicating whispering, says, “Who, me?” A sign behind the desk reads “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day” and there are three little girls sitting under the desk building a tower out of Jenga blocks. The tower is extremely tall and will clearly fall over, but the snapshot of this picture is only of the moment right before it falls. Outside, a plane is about to fly directly into a tower in the skyline that looks exactly like the Jenga tower. The top block of the tower is unfinished, and we see that the entire scene is being drawn by a pencil. An artist holds the pencil and looks directly at you. With his hand, he covers his mouth, which is in an O-shape of surprise. A speech bubble protrudes from his mouth, as he says, “CAPTION THIS!”

LAST WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST:

El Vaquero tried his dirty tricks to steal the loot, N’ Alice tussled with the rulebook to boot.

But the brave marshall jawed “aaah come on guys please stop.”

So they all pulled off the big one n’ ended up on top.

There the Splendid Six stood, kings of the prairie, Set to split the loot, all the marbles, all the berries.

‘Fore they rode off into the sunset, they looked ‘round At the friends n’ mem’ries they’d made in town.

Then they each took their share o’ the loot n’ rode hence, With all the gold jinglin’ in their pockets: 66 cents.

DRM

Winning caption: “Eyy I’m walkin’ here!”

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

54

The best thing about dating a twin is _______ I’m always called the “cool” twin. But I’m also always called the “silly” twin on account of my jokes.

How they can date each other if you ever get busy All our children will also be twins I’m a triplet so I get to be the top I can’t tell her apart from myself I can’t tell her apart from most trees or rocks It’s almost like I have 2 girlfriends, or I guess 3 counting my secret girlfriend The love of a good woman Together, the two of them have 37 chromosomes I can take out all my rage on her sister, and then treat my girlfriend like the queen she is

I used to think that the rarest thing in the world was a dad who says that he loves you, but now I know…

IBIS INKLINGS I’ll never forget the day my grandfather pulled me aside and gave me his treasured…

Virginity Recessive genes “I’m not a racist, but a race realist” speech “You can look but you can’t touch” speech First draft of his autobiography, Mein Kampf Real name: Ham Grandfather Hand in marriage Hand, he gave me his hand and then chopped it off at the wrist so I was left holding his hand in my hand Skateboard. Then he took it back and kickflipped on my FACE

As the old farmers always say, ________ only comes around once in a blue moon.

A full moon twice in one month A real slippy fish in that ol’ crick by the crick-barn A blue bird that isn’t singing a song about me being gay A scarecrow that’ll be real quiet about what you’re doin’ to it out in that field yonder when not a soul be looking at you That moment of clarity where you’re like wow in the state to see like the moon and the farmer that’s been keeping you in his pig barn all this time A cow that can shoot milk out of its udders at 100 miles per hour Statistically speaking, the Olympics. A blue moon occurs roughly every third year since a Synodic cycle is 29.128 days and the year is 365 days, and seein’ how the Olympics happens every four years. You do the math city slicker.

55

It’s diamonds It’s a dad who sings it It’s when a mom says “Heyooo, this guy ova here!”

It’s a son who’s worth saying I love you to It’s a dad who says, “Scram, JAzz JuNE girls, it’s SlipperDay!” I mean, who says that??????

That my dad was never really a dad at all. He was a mom. And my mom was my dad, and my dog was my grandfather A dad with bilateral Krukenberg tumors, a cancer which affects 1 in 10 billion people

The next time a comet hits the Earth, I hope…

I get the bulls-eye painted on myself in time It’s a home run!

It bounces off and hits the moon Diamond The dinosaurs all come back to life Ben Affleck is dating Bruce Willis’s daughter to provide emotional stakes to the mission to destroy the asteroid—wait, shit, I mean comet.

I have the courage to accept things that are comets, the wisdom to know what aren’t comets, and the sagacity to accept the difference.

That I can respawn where I last saved It hits Donald Trump. That guy blows!

It’s New Year’s Eve and it lands right where the ball is going to drop just before the ball drops, because that’s where Ryan Seacrest will be standing.

The Earth has a different, cooler name by then, like Ham Grandfather There are a lot of good comet-based mattress store sales

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Uh oh! You don’t want to be around me underneath When Eiffel 65 meant to sing “I’m blue / because of child poverty / and this is a serious song about it” but they were eating a full moon, because...

I go “Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh!” over and over again until I turn into a giant turd I am gonna dunk this basketball with my hairy wolf paws. Oh yeah, I turn into a wolf when there’s full moon I am so big and fat that my body will push you up until you are squished against the moon I eat full moons I already gave you a view of the full moon right here buddy! (moons you) I am the Full Moon Strangler I am a noted murderer regardless of the moon’s phase I will pine I will look into your eyes and ask, “Hey… can I try something?”

I had a fling with the moon once and you are my incredibly jealous lover I am a Minecraft zombie, and this is when I fuck up your crafting table

The greatest coincidence ever was when…

Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter Judas just happened to make out with Jesus when that was the Roman legionaire signal for “fucking crucify this mutherfucker” President Lincoln’s secretary was named “Kennedy” and President Kennedy’s secretary was named “George Bush did 9/11”

a banana during recording so it came out sounding like “Blue de ba doo de ba dee” My friend said “homos say what” and I was balls deep inside this guy Marcus

When the ______ hits your _____ like a ____ _______ ______, that’s _________ Doop, bloop, da boop bip, deboomp Molly, brain, fucking truck dude, euphoria Bullet, head, perfect target achievement, the Kennedy assassination Minecraft zombie, G-spot, tender pickaxe, fucking alright

If I had a ______ for every time that ______, I’d ___________ If I had a nickel for every time that I had a nickel, I’d have a sticky situation on my hands If I had a penny for every time that I had a penny, I’d actually have penny^penny amount of pennies If I had a Zimbabwe dollar for every time anything happened, I’d still have no money but I’d have learned a great lesson about hyperinflation If I had a coznort for everytime that it sleeeeeved me, I’d get back on my meds

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON #

56

if you remembered all those good times we had. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the good times, I just don’t want to say them right now, so you say it. Or we can say them together, on the count of three. One… two… three.” Both Jester and Blot were silent.

JESTER IBIS BLOT What Jester did not know hurt her, deeply.

She looked up at the dead face of the moon, which looked down at the Castle. Jester said to the moon, “I think the way you are acting is fundamentally stupid.”

Jester was very smart, which meant that she could hold two thoughts at the same time. The two thoughts were: “I’m a fucking genius and I’m the smartest person of all time” and “I’m a worthless retard and I should kill myself.” These were the only two thoughts she ever had, and they played in her head constantly.

Blot didn’t want to die. “That’s not cool,” said Ibis. “If you want to hang out here, you have to want to die.” “But I like being alive,” said Blot. “I…” And just like that, Blot died, not of any apparent cause, natural or otherwise.

“Well, fuck,” said Ibis.

If it isn’t clear, this all takes place inside Jester’s head, as do all things that have happened, ever.

“What should I write about?” wondered Jester. “Make it all about me,” said some mostly forgettable bit part character in Jester’s life. “Okay,” Jester replied.

Jester phoned Blot. Jester said, “Hello? It’s me, Jester. I was wondering

57

Jester once had a dream that as she walked through the Castle and touched each wall, even lightly, it fell to the ground as if made of a single sheet of plywood. “Thank God it’s just a dream,” thought Jester, but went down to the Castle nonetheless. When she got there, she saw that the Castle had indeed fallen open like an unassembled box. Ibis was sitting in its ruins.

“What are you doing here?” she asked Ibis. “I was waiting to see if you’d come,” Ibis replied. Jester paused. “Well, I’m here,” she said. “Good,” said Ibis, and left.

Blot was in a kind of bizarre, unrequited love that made him sulk all day.

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

This is what Jester wanted to say to Ibis: “You are only a jealous, bombedout animal soul, grafted to bones, and I will nightmare beautiful of halving from you, until you are broken and flashing like needles in the sun.”

Instead, Jester said, “I love you.”

Many of you may be wondering who Jester, Ibis, and Blot represent. The answer is, they all represent me, Jester.

“What am I made of?” the Castle asked Jester in a dream. Jester replied, “The bones of those who made you.”

Ibis said, “The way to the heart is through the sternum, with a bone saw.”

Blot fell out of love immediately.

Jester was using a butcher’s knife to slit her wrists. “Aw, come on, don’t do that,” said Blot. “Don’t worry,” said Jester calmly. “This is just pig’s blood. I bought it at Savenor’s.” “Aw, come on. Drink this instead.” Blot handed her a beer. Jester smashed the beer bottle on the ground and used a broken piece to continue slitting her wrists. “Aw, come on,” said Blot. Jester shrugged. The shrugging motion wrung the last drops of blood out of her body and she fainted.

The mostly forgettable bit part character said, “So what is this. A series of fictional vignettes?” Jester lied, “No, I mean, it’s all true. Everything I wrote about happened.”

Jester loved to lie, and she did it all the time, even now.

Ibis once handed Jester a note and ran away. It was the only time Jester had ever seen Ibis nervous. That alone moved Jester so deeply that she cried.

She cried all over the note and it became smudged. When she opened the note to read it, she could barely make out what it said, but it was something like, “Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch.” That couldn’t be right, thought Jester, but it was.

This is what the note really said: When a man is really dead, the diverse parts of his body will, according to the course of nature, resolve themselves into multitudes of steams that wander to and fro in the air. Of course, this, like most things Ibis had ever written, was plagiarized. Also, it did not apply to Jester, who was a woman.

It had been many years, and Jester called up her old friend Ibis. The phone rang for a long time. Jester said, “Hello, It’s me, Jester.” There was a muffled, indiscernible scratching on the other end. Finally, Jester heard, “This is Blot. Ibis… Ibis took her own life a few days ago.” Jester said, “Didn’t she already do that?”

Didn’t this whole thing already happen?

Isn’t this whole thing going to happen again?

Jester couldn’t remember anything at all. Jester laced her neck with her sharpest diamonds and put on a cap made of white gold. Jester shivered in the cold. It was night. Jester shouted into the night, “If you call out, call sweetly.” Her voice broke on the command. No one called back. Somewhere above her, they were ringing the bell. Jester searched for a stone to write her name on. Jester felt that her blood was knotting up. Another Jester was shot down over the Pacific and glamorously swallowed by the ocean.

Jester didn’t know that, either. Jester had forgotten everything that had given her life meaning. Jester forgot that at no point did she ever believe that her life had been given meaning. Jester whistled into the muted city.

Jester didn’t look back at the Castle, only up. Jester saw the exact inverse of the Castle which was a cold bowl of stars. The second incarnation of the moon was proper and strange, like a circle gloating. Jester knew her matches of counterfeit light would do nothing here. The long light of the moon unfolded to touch her. Jester said, “What the fuck have I been doing?”

What Jester didn’t know, hurt her, deeply.

AJ

“Why write about anything?” asked Ibis. “Why do anything?” “Yeah,” said Jester, “But why not do anything?” “Fuck you,” spat Ibis, suddenly vicious.

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.”

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Ma Lampy issues the following corrections of the My Creation Myth #: Due to a printing error, the piece “My Baby” by HLD (p.

37) read: “One d y I tried to flick dirt on her butt, which she usually finds cute, and she crawled off and hi from me f r 25 years. I recently ran into her at the supermarket, and she looke really healthy and good.”

It should have read, “One doy I tree 2 flockerdit onherbutt whijje updog and she crawl crawl crawl ‘way. I recent jet fuel can’t mealt steel beams zupermärkt and she look sooooo, like, wow.”

We also gave the wrong class year for S. H. Kiam. She is not class of ‘20, but rather class of ‘18, which is to say, class of 1918.

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THE HARVARD LAMPOON

AJ thanks TN, AEV, SWR, CKJ, ASB, HLD, MAS, CHS ‘17, MVS ‘17, GWN ‘16, JXY ‘16, the piece-a-day crew, the summer gang, the band, the spread, the axis, and everyone.

TN thanks AJ, BWM, DPF, JFAR, TDK, LDL, BigWoman StrongLegs, and the many people who make him laugh :) Ma Lampy lays twelve new Fabergé eggs and they are…

Tucker Andrew Flodman ‘19 of Eagle, NE and Adams House, Isabel Ann Jasper ‘19 of Newton, MA and Kirkland House, Michael James Kassabian ‘19 of Mattapoisett, MA and Winthrop House, Myles Grant Marshall ‘19 of Kingwood, TX and Kirkland House, John Terry Ball of ‘20 of Granville, OH and Leverett House, Anli Chen ‘20 of Orlando, FL and Mather House, Isabel Morant Gibney, ‘20, of Bethesda MD and Pforzheimer House, Sean Henry Henson ‘20 of Portland, OR and Mather House. Michael Maximilian Miller ‘20 of New Windsor, NY and Dunster House, Michael Robert Perusse ‘20 of Fredericksburg, VA and Leverett House, Lauren Grace Fadiman ‘21 of Shelton, CT and Straus, Yinyu Ji ‘21 of Boston, MA and Hollis Ma Lampy also digs up one diamond, and it is...

Haskell Bram Flender ‘19 of Los Angeles, CA and Adams House, Sackbut

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