September 8, 2021

THE TIMES-DELPHIC The weekly student newspaper of Drake University Vol. 141 | No. 2 | Sept. 8, 2021 FEATURES

SPORTS

COMMENTARY

A student handed out donuts in his brother’s memory around the start of Suicide Awareness Month.

The Drake football team started the season with a big win against Division II West Virginia Wesleyan.

From small talk to smushed meatballs, there’s a lot to adjust to at the start of the new school year.

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timesdelphic.com

‘Our Katrina’: Hurricane Ida takes New Orleans students by surprise Grace Altenhofen Managing Editor grace.altenhofen@drake.edu

A chimney ripped off the roof. A foot of standing water on the floor. A missing fence.

This is what Loyola University New Orleans student Ja’Colbi Rivers saw when he returned to his home after Hurricane Ida inflicted catastrophic damage across Louisiana.

Hurricane Ida made landfall near Port Fourchon, LA as an “extremely dangerous” Category 4 hurricane on Aug. 29, according to the National Hurricane Center. Sixteen years earlier, the infamous Hurricane Katrina made landfall as a Category 3 hurricane about 40 miles southwest of Port Fourchon, according to the National Weather Service.

As of Sept. 4, close to 700,000 people were without electricity in Louisiana, according to data from the tracker PowerOutage. us.

“We were thinking about riding it out because we heard when it made landfall, it would be a Category 4, but that it would quickly weaken and move on out,” Rivers said. “We never expected it to hover over a certain area for that many days and still be a Category 4.”

Brooklyn Joyner, another student at Loyola University, also planned to ride out the storm in New Orleans with her family when they thought it would only be a Category 2 or 3 hurricane.

“We didn’t realize how bad it was, we were planning to stay,” Joyner said. “In a way, it was kind of unexpected. We thought the power was just going to

go out, but now everything is in complete disarray all over Louisiana.”

Rivers’ parents lived in Louisiana at the time of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, and he said that Hurricane Ida proved to be far more catastrophic.

“We never expected it to hover over a certain area for that many days and still be a Category 4.”

“I don’t really remember because I was, like, seven, but my mom and dad told me that we didn’t get damage at all [during Katrina],” Rivers said.

“The main thing was that the fence in the yard was tilted.

So when we went back home yesterday, they were really shocked by how much damage the winds brought to our house compared to Katrina.”

Rivers and his family are currently staying with his grandmother, whose house sustained less damage than theirs.

“Our chimney was kind of ripped off, so we had one foot of water inside the house,” Rivers said. “The fence in the backyard between me and the neighbors was completely gone. The living room had water; my mom’s room had water; my room had water. The back part of the house was completely flooded.

My mom and dad said that this was ‘our Katrina.’”

Domonique Tolliver, another student at Loyola, said the

JA’COLBI RIVERS’ HOUSE was damaged when Hurricane Ida, a Category 4 hurricane, swept across Louisana. PHOTO COURTESY OF JA’COLBI RIVERS, STUDENT AT LOYOLA UNIVERSITY NEW ORLEANS

damage to her family’s house is not the biggest concern in the aftermath of this hurricane.

“For us, we got over four feet of water in our house from Katrina. Luckily our house didn’t have much damage [from Ida], just a few shingles were gone,” Tolliver said. “COVID has impacted the finances a lot, but [my parents are] not as financially unstable as they were back then. I think the similarity with this one is that there’s an uncertainty. My mom was worried that they were going to cancel school for the rest of the year. Both my parents are teachers, so their entire income would be gone.”

All three students are involved in the journalism program at Loyola, and they

tried to cover Hurricane Ida even as they evacuated the state.

“I still work for my university’s newsroom, so while I was evacuating, I was in charge of our Twitter,” Tolliver said. “I had to be on it all day unless I was driving, and I just saw destruction, and at one point I just broke down crying.

I have to cover it because it’s my job, but this is my home, I don’t want to see it like that.

Sometimes, with some stories, you’re too close to it.”

Joyner said that one of the most difficult parts was interviewing people who had been impacted by the storm even more than her family.

“It’s really hard asking people to talk about this really bad thing that’s happened to

them,” Joyner said. “[One] of my sources for one of my stories, she told me that her son-in-law died. She was evacuated from a hurricane and then her son-inlaw died. As a journalist, what do you even say?”

Though Loyola shut down operations during the hurricane, they have announced plans to return to online classes Sept. 13 and in-person classes Sept. 20.

For some students, however, this return date feels like too big of a reach.

“I was talking to this girl who was like, ‘We don’t have water or power and we don’t have the money to evacuate, so I’m not worried about school right now,’” Tolliver said. “‘I’m worried about having food and trying to survive.’”

Behind Drake’s Blackboard Update: transitioning during a pandemic Professors balance a new system and additional work assigned by the COVID-19 pandemic

ONLINE LEARNING has posed additional challenges throughout the pandemic. PHOTO BY ANDREW KENNARD | NEWS EDITOR Gannon Henry Contributing Writer gannon.henry@drake.edu

Two years after Drake began transitioning to a new version of Blackboard, complications created by the pandemic are still placing additional burdens on faculty and others working behind the scenes.

Drake completed the switch to the new Blackboard Learn Ultra in August of 2021, but some professors are still working to learn the new system while also trying to support their students and transition back to in-person classes.

“There have been a number of challenges that made this change difficult for all of us,” said Jeff Inman, an associate professor of journalism and

mass communication at Drake.

The first challenge facing Blackboard Ultra’s implementation was unlucky timing. In January of 2020, a team of 20 members from across Drake finished planning the complete timeline for the transition to Blackboard Ultra.

Two months later, the pandemic reached Drake and completely changed how students and faculty used online learning tools.

Karly Good, a learning management specialist for Drake Information Technology Services (ITS) and the administrator for Blackboard Learn at Drake, estimates that students and faculty went from using online tools for about 50 percent of their learning to nearly 100 percent due to the

pandemic.

“We chose the timeline for the rollout of Learn Ultra very carefully as we, the [Learning Management System] Review team of 20, watched the development of the features [that] faculty here at Drake used most,” Good said. “Once we chose the timeline, the pandemic hit and slowed the development.”

Drake ITS, which has been overseeing the Blackboard transition, determined that the pre-COVID timeline for Blackboard Ultra’s implementation was still viable despite the education challenges brought on by COVID-19.

Good said that starting in October of 2020, ITS began the process of providing faculty with tools to assist in learning the new Blackboard, and by spring, ITS had introduced virtual workshops.

The next challenge for the switch to Blackboard Ultra was the pressures put on faculty by the pandemic.

For students, the switch to online learning meant their classes could not meet in person. For professors, the switch to online learning meant they had to rebuild large portions of courses to make the content suitable for a new teaching format.

Outside of the teaching

challenges, professors also juggled the psychological effects of the pandemic. Kelly Bruhn, an associate dean and public relations professor in Drake’s School of Journalism and Mass Communication, called the work that faculty did “amazing” and highlighted the effort they put into working with students during the pandemic.

“Faculty did have an increased load in both handling the students academically and making sure they were professionally prepared, but also just helping them mentally and physically navigate what it’s like in a global pandemic when we were trying to manage that in our own families and our own personal lives as well,” Bruhn said.

With the added pandemic workload, Inman said finding the time to learn to use Blackboard Ultra was difficult, but despite this, ITS and faculty have worked together to provide students with increasingly accessible online tools and have found positives in an otherwise difficult situation.

“We have something like ten hours’ worth of help videos available to watch,” said Christopher Porter, co-chair of Drake’s math and computer science department. “I didn’t have a very hard time with it because I had those models to

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follow.”

Good noted how online learning has drawn new attention towards providing students with resources that work in both the classroom and non-traditional environments.

“I actually think the switch to virtual was a positive move for the transition as more faculty gained a great understanding of teaching and learning online,” Good said.

“Change is always hard, but I think we all have emerged with a better understanding of more inclusive environments, different learning needs, the understanding of why flexible learning has such a positive impact on those who cannot be traditional learners, and what the effects of changing technology have on each of these aspects.”

For students like Drake sophomore Nash Lindsey, the transition to Blackboard Ultra has been a helpful experience.

“This new Blackboard is much more aesthetically pleasing than the previous version, and it feels easier to find the stuff you need,” Lindsey said. “I haven’t had a whole ton of experience with this new version of Blackboard, but it seems like it’s going to be better for us.”

Jeff Inman is the faculty advisor for the Times-Delphic.

02 | Features

Features

Sept. 08, 2021

First-year honors brother through random acts of kindness Cassandra Schoene Features Editor cassie.schoene@drake.edu Xmiena Rogers-Stamps Contributing Writer xmiena.rogers-stamps@drake.edu

As Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month begins, one Drake student hands out donuts in memory of his brother.

“During my sophomore year of high school, my brother lost his battle with depression,” said first-year Ben Kujawa.

“He battled with depression for pretty much all of middle school and high school.”

Ben’s brother, Jack Kujawa, would have been a junior in college and 21-years-old this year.

“He killed himself when he was 18, I was 15 at the time and it was something else really difficult for me,” Ben said. “He killed himself a month after his birthday.”

When Jack’s first birthday after his passing approached on Sept. 4, his family decided to honor him by remembering his kind acts.

“Everyone can accept your love, and everyone wants your love, and you are deserving of other people’s love.”

“He was someone that inspired so much joy in so many other people,” Ben said.

Ben and his family started buying milkshakes for people because that was something his brother used to do.

“If he heard that one of his friends was having a bad day he would show up unannounced to their house with a milkshake and just give it to them,” Ben said. “He took so many people to go get milkshakes at Denny’s.

Like, people at Denny’s knew who he was.”

As the second anniversary of Jack’s birthday approached, Ben said the acts of kindness got bigger and they had “a lot

more traction.”

“Me and my friend stood up at [a] street intersection for five hours one day on his birthday with signs that just said, like, ‘mental health awareness,’ ‘you are loved’ and stuff like that,” Ben said. “It’s such a cool thing because we put out our flyers to say that nothing is too small.”

Before long, more people got involved and passed the kind acts on to others.

“People are literally getting groceries for a friend or people are covering someone’s whole entire bill,” Ben said.

This is the first year that Ben is doing this tradition away from home.

“It was definitely a little scary because I didn’t know a ton of people here,” Ben said.

But that didn’t stop Ben from devoting his time to kind acts in memory of his brother.

“So I did some Venmoing where I sent people $5 to go buy a shake. I did that for about 10 or 12 people,” Ben said.

Ben and two of his friends then started handing out donuts to anyone walking around on campus.

“Then this morning I bought $50 worth of donuts from Krispy Kreme and walked around with two of my friends and just, we’re handing them out to people at the spikeball tournament,” Ben said. “It’s just whatever you can do, you know.”

Sophomore Javy Rodriguez was one of the students that received a donut that morning from Ben. “I thought it was really sweet of Ben Kujawa to pass out donuts to students,” Rodriguez said. “He and a couple other students approached my friends and I outside of Olmsted asking if we wanted some donuts.”

Rodriguez said the kind act brought a smile to his face.

“I know even I sometimes struggle dealing with things mentally and emotionally, especially with a sudden change of environment this past week, and being thrown into somewhere that can prove to be stressful at times,” Rodriguez said. “But his random act of kindness honestly made me feel

less alone and really brought a smile to my face, as I’m sure it did many other students that morning.”

Because of his brother’s battle with depression, Ben is a big advocate for mental health, especially in sports. Ben is curently on the Drake football team and Jack used to play as well.

“I feel like inside of the male sports world there is a pressure that we need to “man up” and a lot of the time people view athletes as just people who play a sport,” Ben said. “We aren’t viewed as individuals with other interests, dreams, and our own problems.”

Ben has personal experience with being told to “man up” “I know personally, I’ve had coaches in the past, teammates and even non athletes just tell me that I need to just ‘man up’ and play,” Ben said.

Men died by suicide 3.63 times more than women in 2019, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. In a report by the National Collegiate Athletic Association, they found that male athletes are more at risk for suicide than female athletes, with football players appearing to be of the greatest risk.

“Lots of people believe that when it comes to athletes, that the only types of ‘injuries’ we can have are physical ones, but so many athletes struggle with mental health,” Ben said. “It’s a silent battle that so many of us go through as it’s kind of an unwritten rule to not talk about our feelings because it’s not the ‘manly’ thing to do.”

As for Drake football, Ben said they had a bonding moment where they shared some of their problems with their teammates — and many opened up about mental health.

“At football camp, we do the thing where all the players would share hardships that they went through in life,” Ben said.

“I think that was super cool just because so many of them did open up about mental health.”

Ben wants more athletes to recognize that talking about mental health is okay.

“I just hope athletes start to

BEN KUJAWA stands on Painted Street giving out Krispy Kreme glazed donuts as one of the random acts of kindess he did that day in memory of his brother. He tells everyone who takes a donut to “pay it foward” and do an act of kindess for someone else and check in on friends. PHOTO COURTESY OF BEN KUJAWA

realize that they probably have teammates who are dealing with the same problems as they are, and it’s alright to talk about how you feel, it’s alright to show emotion, it’s alright to cry. All those things are good,” Ben said.

Ben said that while he acknowledges that he is not perfect, he says that the best thing he does for his mental

health is to “just be able to talk to someone.”

“When you love, love with your whole heart. It does no service to you to love halfheartedly,” Ben said. “Everyone can accept your love, and everyone wants your love, and you are deserving of other people’s love. Just love on and live on.”

drake students reflect on their summer Chloe McGrath Contributing Writer chloe.mcgrath@drake.edu Cassandra Schoene Features Editor cassie.schoene@drake.edu

COVID-19 precautions started lifting during this second summer of the COVID-19 pandemic, which allowed some Drake students to experience the things they couldn’t for almost two years.

“My plans for the summer were to catch up with friends and do some fun things outside since I like to stay active if I’m not working,” sophomore Georgia Bunkers said.

Bunkers was excited to be

able to experience summer traditions with friends again.

“I was really excited about going to Valley Fair this summer since it was closed last year,” Bunkers said. “However, I wasn’t able to go to Valley Fair this summer because they had restricted opening times and capacity limits due to COVID. I was disappointed because doing so is a fun tradition I like to do with my friends.”

Bunkers was still able to find other activities to do with her friends.

“Despite this, I did other things outside like picnicking and farmers markets,” Bunkers said.

In addition to hanging out with friends, Bunkers planned

on working often to get more experience as a pharmacy technician since she wants to be a pharmacist. Other students also spent their summers working.

“This summer, I had the opportunity to work back in Chicago,” said junior Parfait Ouedraogo, who worked on an architectural tour boat on the Chicago river.

“Due to decreasing COVIDpositive rates in Illinois, many businesses started welcoming back their customers.”

Ouedraogo said that he got vaccinated because of his job.

“Due to daily interaction with tourists, I had to get vaccinated,” Ouedraogo said.

“Mask mandates were lifted

SOME DRAKE STUDENTS spent their summer working and gaining career knowledge, spending time with family, hanging out with friends and more. PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

because less people were getting sick with COVID.” While some COVID-19 restrictions were lifted in some places, other places reinstated their restrictions.

“Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to visit my friend in Minnesota because of another spike in COVID-19 cases,” sophomore Elaina Hines said. “Traveling was not recommended, so I respected COVID restrictions because I wanted to keep my family and I safe, especially my grandma when I was able to see her.”

Hines had planned on hanging out with friends this summer as a stress reliever.

“I was excited because seeing my friends was a way for me to destress from work, my summer classes, and I was not able to hang out with them the summer before,” Hines said.

Instead of spending more time with friends, Hines worked more.

“As a result of increasing COVID-19 cases, I worked more hours, which gave me the opportunity to provide others to be vaccinated as well, but at the same time, it did not allow me to spend time with my friends,” said Hines, who worked in healthcare over the summer.

Sophomore Sydney D’Andrea also had plans that fell through due to COVID-19 precautions. “[My family] talked about going to Colorado, but never went through with it. During the pandemic, many places still

had not reopened, so we didn’t want to go,” D’Andrea said.

“Traveling was not recommended, so I respected COVID restrictions because I wanted to keep my family and I safe, especially my grandma when I was able to see her.”

Like many other Drake students, D’Andrea worked during the summer and spent time with her family.

“Instead, we stayed home, I got a job and we occasionally visited family when they were in town,” D’Andrea said.

D’Andrea was eventually able to work without a mask since she was fully vaccinated.

“For the first couple of weeks working, all employees were required to wear masks,” D’Andrea said. “However, this changed and we were allowed to take them off as long as we were fully vaccinated.”

The second summer of the COVID-19 pandemic was still not normal, but for some Drake students, the decrease in COVID-19 restrictions and increase in COVID-19 vaccinations lead to something closer to normalcy.

03 | Sports

Sports

Sept. 08, 2021

Football team opens up season with a commanding win

AFTER A CONVINCING WIN, 45-3, against West Virginia Wesleyan, the Drake football team faces Montana State on Sept. 11. PHOTO BY DRUE WOLFE | DRAKE ATHLETICS Lia Reichmann Sports Editor lia.reichmann@drake.edu

On Thursday, Sept. 2, the Drake University football team easily defeated Division II West Virginia Wesleyan with a score of 45-3 in the season opener at Drake Stadium.

Junior quarterback Ian Corwin scored three touchdowns — two rushing and one passing — along with completing eight out of 11 passes for 180 yards and 35 rushing yards on four attempts.

“I was very proud of our performance as a team against West Virginia Wesleyan,” said Danny Morales, senior defensive back. “Our offense was making explosive plays all game and our defense was very disciplined in doing our jobs to get our offense the ball back.”

Corwin helped the Bulldogs score on their first three drives of the game. Touchdowns scored by running backs Caden Meis, junior, and Cross Robinson, fifth-year, as well as Corwin helped the Bulldogs secure an early lead, 21-0 in the

first quarter.

Corwin scored his second rushing touchdown on a 28yard run in the second quarter and then threw a 79-yard passing touchdown to wide receiver Colin Howard, junior.

By the end of the first half, the Bulldogs were leading 35-0.

“Our performance against West Virginia Wesleyan was nothing I wasn’t expecting,” said Sebastian Adamski, firstyear linebacker. “I knew we would dominate on all three phases of the game and show how much potential we have this year.”

In the second half, sophomore back-up quarterback Luke Bailey completed a nine-yard pass for another touchdown to fellow sophomore wide receiver Brandon Langdok, and a field goal was later scored at the end of the third quarter to make the score 45-0.

West Virginia was able to put together a 13-play drive that resulted in the team’s only points of the game, but that too was eventually stopped by Drake’s defense.

Fifth-year running back and team captain Robinson had his first 100 yard game while managing to score a rushing touchdown. Robinson said coming back for his fifth-year was one of the most “humbling experiences” he had ever experienced.

“Our performance against West Virginia Wesleyan was nothing I wasn’t expecting.

I knew we would dominate on all three phases of the game and show how much potential we have this year.”

“Being a guy that so many look up and or look to you for direction really makes you value and cherish your time, and what you do with it,” Robinson said.

“It really makes you think about the things you do and how much

of an example you are to others, I think it promotes discipline more than anything.”

Robinson said that reaching his first 100-yard game was “very exciting” for him.

“I engaged in many sacrifices off the field this off season to better prepare my body to play at a higher level and to see it immediately pay off was extremely incredible to me,” Robinson said. “I was happy to say the least” Drake last played football in a shortened six-game Pioneer Football League spring season.

They were unable to play one of those games, finishing with a 2-3 record.

“It felt really good to play in front of our fans. The addition of the fans always creates a positive atmosphere and having their support is appreciated by our entire team,” Morales said.

“Having a more normal football season is very exciting and we are looking forward to taking advantage of this season.”

Adamski agreed with Morales, especially as a firstyear playing college football for the first time.

“It was so awesome to run out of the tunnel to a crowd that’s as eager and excited as us to play,” Adamski said. “It was a dream come true to play in a D1 football game. Just being on the sideline is a huge motivation to work hard for when my opportunity comes.”

Morales said that they have “become less strict” about COVID regulations over the last few months so his preparation for this season “was not drastically affected”.

“COVID did make our team more isolated and put an increased responsibility on us to make the right choices to protect the team,” Morales said.

“But I was proud of our team’s ability to adapt to the situation and prepare for a great season.”

The team will travel to Bozeman, Montana to take on Montana State on Sept. 11 at 7 p.m.

“I think our team just needs to keep focusing on improving every week and using the momentum from this game to go to Montana State with confidence,” Morales said.

allison pohlman named new drake women’s basketball coach

ALLISON POHLMAN is the new Drake women’s basketball coach, succeeding former coach Jennie Baranczyk (back right). PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS JD Snover Contributing Writer jd.snover@drake.edu

For the past 21 seasons, Allison Pohlman has been watching the basketball floor from the bench as an assistant coach. Beginning this November, though, she’ll get to stand as the new head coach of the Drake women’s basketball program.

“It definitely is a change,” Pohlman said. “Going from sitting on the sidelines to now standing. The biggest thing for me is to continue to trust the people on our staff.”

Although she’s a firsttime head coach, Pohlman is not new to campus. Since her

playing days at the University of Northern Iowa (UNI), where she was named to three AllMissouri Valley Conference teams and named Defensive Player of the Year, she has become familiar with the Knapp Center.

“I’m a strong Drake believer and fan,” Pohlman said. “I did, as a college athlete, walk into this very hostile environment and I grew a very large affinity for the place.”

After seven years of coaching at UNI, Pohlman brought her love for the Drake community to life and joined the coaching staff, eventually serving as recruiting coordinator and associate head coach of the program.

Senior forward Allie Woolridge said that not only did Pohlman inherit the program, but she is also now leading a group of women who she recruited.

“A lot of us advocated for her during the hiring process, so we were pretty excited that she was the one that they chose,” Woolridge said. “She’s the reason that a lot of us are in the program. She found us. There’s a lot of mutual respect between the players and her.”

Aside from being recruited by the new coach, fifth-year senior guard Hannah Fuller said that another key to her success is how hard she has worked to build a winning culture.

“We talk about culture a

lot to make sure everyone is on the same page,” Fuller said.

“She basically made her own culture. Our culture is to love basketball, love each other, love this community, love Drake and just really play hard.”

Since the 2017-18 season, the program has earned a combined 93-35 record, with three of those four seasons ending with single digit losses.

Fuller said hard work is the key for that to continue, and that she believes Pohlman is encouraging the right philosophy to make that happen.

“We just need to focus on getting one percent better every day, and just kind of being where our feet are,” Fuller said.

“Not looking too far ahead, enjoying the present moment and each individual practice.”

The Allison Pohlman era will tip off on Wednesday, Nov. 3 when the Bulldogs host cross-town school Grand View University in a preseason exhibition game.

Pohlman said she’s excited to get going as the new head of the Drake Women’s Basketball program.

“You have to love who you’re doing this with,” Pohlman said.

“You love not only your team but the place you’re at. So, back to the affinity for Drake and everyone being able to collectively do something for something bigger than what you are.”

04 | Commentary

Commentary

Sep. 8, 2021

tinder is dead Olivia Klassen Contributing Writer olivia.klassen@drake.edu

Woah, hey. That’s a pretty bold statement up there. I’m sure most will read this and say, “it’s because you don’t get any matches” and move on with their life. While that’s only a small part of why I’m over Tinder, my hatred for the dating app runs deeper than most think…

First, what is Tinder? It’s a dating app that functions like a card stack. Your profile, or “card” is shown to other people in your area, where they can see all the pictures and information you’ve included about yourself and decide to swipe right to like you, or left if they don’t, only to show the next card underneath you and start the process over.

They also have the option to “Super like” you, to get their card shown to you for sure, and next. If both people looking through the stack swipe right on each other, it’s a match, and then the option of messaging becomes available. GIFs and text messages can be exchanged between the parties, and they can chat it up until they decide to either a: unmatch or b: meet up in real life. Sounds like a good time, right? Here’s where it can get messy.

98% of the time, the first message is “hey,” or a really cheesy pickup line. There is rarely anything in common between the two matches and start up conversation is always awkward as all hell.

As a previous Tinder user, all I did was judge the book by

its cover. If he wasn’t decently attractive, it would be a hard left. If he had a weird pic? Left.

If he wore camo in his picture?

Left. If there was a child? Left.

If he liked the Bears? Left.

Shirtless pic? Left. If there was another woman in his pictures?

LEFT. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even take the time to read his bio. When you’re looking for a partner, be it for dating or just sexually, you should have connection, and take the time to learn the other person’s story. There really isn’t a way to learn the other person’s story by immediate looks, 25 words, and 4 pictures of them. It’s created a mindset to most that online dating is just a game, to see who will send you pictures of what and who will have sex with you where.

The next message, and the worst one to see after you think you’ve connected with someone in a conversation is, “what are you trying to get out of Tinder?”

In my experience, the message that follows that is “I’m just trying to &@#* around, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” UGH. HIT ME WITH A BAT. I, personally, would like to know if these “men” will EVER be looking for anything more than a quick “roll in the hay.”

Most of the time, I reply with a snappy “use your hand for that” and an unmatch, but it gets tiring to me, and many others who are on Tinder for something more to see at least five of these messages a day. When you’re looking for someone to connect with, keep

A NIETZCHE-ESQUE PROCLAMATION for the half-conscious, lascivious masses of today. One datingapp firebrand meticulously immolates the repulsive site. PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

in mind that they are human, and consider that they may want more than you do.

Additionally, my hatred of Tinder comes from a place of relying on it. With the pandemic, I haven’t been out and about to freely fall in love with a handsome Fabio of my own in a Hallmark cookie cutter fashion. I’ve been on this stupid app because being sat next to a

handsome lab partner doesn’t happen on zoom.

“Accidentally” dropping all of my sheet music in front of the cute saxophone player doesn’t happen when I’m scared to play in a band. Going to a random party, getting a little too sloshed and dancing on a table for the bad boy to get me out of there doesn’t happen when parties are on hold.

Because of the pandemic, I’m stuck in Tinder limbo, reaching for a green light, much like Gatsby’s. A meaningful relationship with a supportive partner.

I’m ending this opinion piece with the same words that fill most Tinder bios: I’m deleting this once COVID’s over. Also, I’m 6’17, because that matters.

Pool, school and gruel: a transition oh so cruel

Colin Frier Commentary Editor colin.frier@drake.edu

Summer is for vegetating in front of a TV screen and slogging around like a lobotomized moose. Everyone knows that.

If you even begin to employ “critical thinking skills,” the Thought Police will be at your doorstep before you can say “new normal.”

But not to fret, the transition into fall won’t shift your languid lifestyle all too much. Instead of the boob tube, now you’ll be withering away in front of a Powerpoint slide with the title in Comic Sans.

So the first day of school is here. You’re well-equipped with all the Walmart paraphernalia you could get your parsimonious pinkies on. Masks are still required in the classrooms, much to your chagrin. Say what you want about it— they’re a great way to cloak a French onion soup lunch.

Everyone’s relating their summer escapades, using ardent, imaginative descriptions: “How was your summer?” “Good.” Sometimes “pretty good.” Never “great.”

Maybe a “really good” if they’re the talkative type.

Same thing when talking about movies: “How was that ninth ‘Police Academy’ flick?”

“Really pretty good.”

Just then, the professor enters. Everyone holds their breath… and flatulence.

Class always commences with the first-day roll call; professors treat it like an Obama Apology Tour. “Alright, class, I’m going to take attendance to ensure everyone who’s supposed to be here is here. Sorry in advance if I mispronounce your name.

I’m notorious for butchering names.” Always with the airy laugh, too, like they’re expecting some unpaid intern in the back to hit the sitcom laugh track button.

What’s that even supposed to mean, “I’m notorious for butchering names?” It’s like saying, “I’m notorious for brushing my teeth.”

Then they proceed to fritter away the rest of the class period in feigned expiation: “Gabriel?”

“It’s actually ‘Gabreel.’”

“Gabreel, ah, okay, that was my next guess.” Eventually, students should just say, “To hell with this” and tell the professor, “You know what, we forgive you. Not everyone can pronounce ‘John Smith’ on their first go.”

THE TIMES-DELPHIC The student newspaper for Drake University since 1884 EMMA BRUSTKERN Editor-in-Chief emma.brustkern@drake.edu JEFF INMAN, Faculty Advisor jeffrey.inman@drake.edu

GRACE ALTENHOFEN, Managing Editor grace.altenhofen@drake.edu

ANDREW KENNARD, News Editor andrew.kennard@drake.edu

AUTUMN OSIA, Photo Editor autumn.osia@drake.edu

CASSANDRA SCHOENE, Features Editor cassie.schoene@drake.edu

MAX BROWN, Digital Editor max.brown@drake.edu

LIA REICHMANN, Sports Editor lia.reichmann@drake.edu COLIN FRIER, Commentary Editor colin.frier@drake.edu

CAT FARRELL, Media Manager cat.farrell@drake.edu ERIN DUENWALD, Copy Editor erin.duenwald@drake.edu

With that out of the way, professors transition to the monotonous “going through” the syllabus. If I had my druthers, this is how the exchange would go: Professor: “Did you all read the syllabus?”

Class: “Yes.” Professor: “Okay, then what the hell are we doing here? Class adjourned.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean, ‘I’m notorious for butchering names?’

It’s like saying, ‘I’m notorious for brushing my teeth.’”

Plus, despite having classes in-person, and despite having the CEO of Zoom on your hit list, I’ll suspect most of us are still pining for that “faceless box” stunt we could pull during that infernal period of online classes.

You know, sign in, turn off the camera, and while away the hour counting the gum stains on the bottom of your chair, or browsing the Wikipedia page of Marty Martin… anything but being present in class. Then

again, with in-person classes, I suppose you could set down one of those little name tents on your desk, flip off the professor, and say “see you scrubs later.”

At least, upon arriving, students weren’t subjected to their eighty-ninth COVID test. Last time, I was told they swabbed my nose and out came chunks of my hippocampus... but I don’t have any memory of that.

For me, the move-in process went off without a hitch, that is, unless you count the incident in which my five-pound poster plummeted to the floor at four in the morning and clanged against the AC unit. Verily, I tell you, the walls in Jewett are so masterfully designed that even a feather couldn’t stick to them.

It was like the “Twas the Night Before Christmas” poem

by Clement Clarke Moore: “And Colin in his boxer shorts, and his neighbors blasting rap, had just settled their brains for a long first week’s nap, when from Room 208 there arose such a clatter, Colin jolted awake, wondering what the hell was the matter.” The next morning, my hallmates inquired as to what the source of the clamor was.

I was practicing my gong, of course.

And finally, the dining hall has received an upgrade yet again. The new self-serve option shows their admirable dedication to promoting a wellbalanced diet; instead of having a dining hall employee serve you three slices of cake, you can now serve yourself three slices of cake.

And lucky for you, there are more booths and high-tables you can sit in to accomplish this “Matilda”-esque feat— a boon for students, a nightmare for employees. More seating creates the greater likelihood of something being spilled.

You got a hapless, smushed kofta meatball on the carpet near the entrance… looks like it’ll be there for another couple years… screeching for help like the Wicked Witch of the West... a landmine of crushed cheerio dust has mysteriously spread across the floor of the cereal bar… just to hop-scotch across that crumbly plain, it’s like avoiding vengeful geysers… strings of cheese are found haphazardly strewn over the vicinity, like someone popped one of those confetti cannons…

But, food fight remnants notwithstanding, the food is really pretty good.

The Times-Delphic is a student newspaper published weekly during the regular academic year and is produced by undergraduate students at Drake University. The opinions of staff editorials reflect the institutional opinion of the newspaper based on current staff opinions and the newspaper’s traditions. These opinions do not necessarily reflect those of individual employees of the paper, Drake University or members of the student body. All other opinions appearing throughout the paper are those of the author or artist named within the column or cartoon. The newsroom and business office of The Times-Delphic are located in Meredith Hall, Room 124. The Times-Delphic is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press. The editor-in-chief sits on the Board of Student Communications.

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