How to Embrace Your Senioritis, With Style

BY DANIEL PARK

(This article is pure satire, by reading this article, you release Golden Dragon Newspaper as liable for any and all actions you take while in existential dread And actually don’t do any of this, I might get in trouble ) After taking your mock exams, reality starts to hit hard Here are 10 steps on how to properly embrace your “Senioritis”.

Step 1: Start thinking of class as “optional” You’ve already received your acceptance letters from the colleges, and it’s not gonna be like they’ll look at your Senior grades too, right?

Step 2: Celebrate each success. “Woah I can’t actually believe I made it to my exam today!”

Step 3: Master the art of procrastination I was going to finish this step, but I’ll do it later

Step 4: Start thinking about your own life insurance Now that you’re getting old, you’re at a higher risk of stroke, heart attack, wearing really smelly clothes, over-styling your hair, and forgetting to shave.

Step 5: Start getting really emotional about really weird things “Oh my gosh, this is gonna be the last time I walk past that really funky-looking building *tears*”

Step 6: Think about your future. You have your whole life ahead of you! You’re going to college, which is significantly harder than what you thought was “hard” in high school! You’ll have a job! You’ll work nonstop for the next 50 years until you’re old and shriveled

Step 7: Think about taxes. Imagine all the paperwork you’ll have to do. Dang, that totally sucks.

Step 8: Think about retirement. Since you’re getting pretty old now, why not think about your retirement? You’ll be all creaky, won’t be able to lean slightly backward soon, and dependent on government assistance/pensions

Step 9: Start looking at rent prices near your college. You’ll actually be a full-time working adult soon, and you have to start worrying about whether you can pay this month’s rent on time For extra crippling depression, look for apartments you want to live in, but definitely can't afford

Step 10: Think about student debt. You'll probably be in a six-figure overwhelming debt for the first few decades of your career. Fun! I’m sure this step will really motivate you seniors to finish the year strong.