FOCUS Autumn 2016 Edition

FOCUS The Comp assion at e F riend s NSW Inc

N o. 166 A U TUMN 2016 An International Organisation of bereaved families offering friendship, support and understanding to each other following the death of a child of any age.

Founded in Engl and in 1 9 69 by C anon S imon S tephen s OBE .

Funded b y So uth Ea stern S ydne y Loc al He al th Dis tr ic t

Contents Page 2

Vale Rob Carroll Thanks to helpers

Page 3

Events/Lunches

Pages 4-6 Contacts Page 7

Web Memorial Wall

Page 8

Gatherings/Volunteers The Equator Effect

Page 9

Kiama Chapter Facebook Vale Bill Kelleher Miranda Dates

Page 10

Living Around Grief

Page 11

Mention My Name Meetings ABC Open

Page 12

Murwillumbah Christmas

Page 13

Tribute to Colleen Cutcheon From Suzanne Lodding/Bega

Page 14

International Conference Memory Corner Book Review

Page 15

Our Children, Loved, Missed And Remembered

Page 16

Parkes Christmas

Pages 17-19

When you stand in the middle of sadness and sorrow with only one candle lit, it is hard to see the light.

But with many candles lit, standing together, one cannot help but see the light and feel the warmth of love.

As individuals we need not be friendless and alone - we have each other.

We are sustained by love, the companionship and encouragement of those who walk beside us and feel the enduring memory of those no longer with us.

It is in our togetherness that we can find strength.

Siblings Pages

Š The Compassionate Friends NSW Inc

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166. Autumn 2016

Rob Carroll, son of TCF NSW Past President Mary Carroll and her husband Tony, died on New Year’s Eve, 2015.

Mary was President of TCF NSW for 10 years, and gave us the foundation on which the present TCF team have continued to build the present organisation.

The Carrolls have always had the interests of TCF at heart, and even after Mary retired as President, she has always been available for help and advice, as has Tony. To say that the Council and the Carroll's many friends were shocked is an understatement. Members from all around the state, from our many Chapters, sent messages of comfort.

Ms Debbie Teigen and her son Bronsen Teigen of Vancouver sent condolences and a donation to TCF. All we can do is offer the Carroll family our love and support.

To Mike Berry who has been our email administrator for several years, and has helped us sort out various computer problems, thank you so much. Mike is now busy as President of TCF Australia, and has handed the email job over to webmaster Brett Rylance.

To the Murwillumbah Chapter whose generous donation from the proceeds of a raffle, is helping to fund various activities, including this Focus. Murwillumbah is a very lively Chapter which often donates the proceeds of its fundraising activities.

To the Campbelltown Chapter who have donated the proceeds of their Candle Lighting last December. Over the year we receive several similar donations from this Chapter.

My dear Compassionate Friends, Words cannot express my grief and sorrow on the death and loss of our dearest youngest son, Robert, who died

To Carol Jones who has for many years

suddenly on 31 December 2015 aged 45. Many of you will

done our receipting and banking, even coming down from the Central Coast on many occasions. While Carol has decided that she no longer wants to do the receipting, she is staying on as a valuable member of the Focus Team.

remember that our third son, Richard, died on 9 June 1979, aged 13.

I know the road so well, but the steps are long forgotten. I am remembering the hard yards each day and have in my thoughts and prayers those of you who are newly bereaved as our family is now once again newly bereaved. The

To Colleen Cutcheon who has had to retire as Leader of the Murwillumbah Chapter owing to ill health. Fortunately her co-leader, Judy Fraser, is carrying on with the help of the very lively group.

overwhelming support my family has been given from so many of my dearest Compassionate Friends has been my comfort and solace at this time. The many letters and words of condolence from so many have given me the strength to carry on. I want to especially thank those friends who came to Robert’s farewell funeral. It made my final goodbye to him more bearable.

Thank you again.

Mary Carroll 2

To Shirley Hazell who has retired as Chapter Leader of Grafton, following the death of her husband. Shirley has been a member of TCF for many years and we appreciate all she has done for the organisation. Robyn Shelley is now running the Grafton Chapter.

Can’t come to a support group during the week?

Try our Saturday Group, co-ordinated by Richard Harrisson.

The City & Met Support group meets on the 3rd Thursday of the month at the York St. Centre.

8th Floor 32 York St. March 17, April 21, May 19.

The Saturday meeting is held at the York Street Centre on the 4th Saturday of each month.

The group is open to bereaved parents, adult siblings and grandparents. Tea and coffee supplied, please bring your own lunch.

If you would like to have a private one on one talk before you go to a support group, please phone the office 9290 2355 to arrange this.

At the support group you will get comfort from being with and talking to people who have been where you are, and who understand.

If you are planning to come, please phone the Centre on 9290 2355 in advance. You will also need to phone Richard when you get there, as the building is locked at the weekend.

The First Thursday is coffee and chat day! March 3, April 7, May 5.

MOTHERS’ DAY LUNCH

Drop in if you are in town, have lunch with us, bring your knitting

SATURDAY MAY 7TH 12 noon

or other craft, or just come & rest a while. Craft work is our main object, but it is not necessary.

Members from suburban and country chapters especially welcome.

Enquiries Sue 9712 1605

At the Amora Hotel, Jamieson Street, City.

Lunch on Saturday March 19, 12 noon

Our special lunch to give support to all

at Cellinis Bar and Restaurant

Bereaved mothers facing the day on Sunday.

To book phone the office on 9290 2355

Level 2, shop 46-48 Queen Victoria Building.

or email admin@tcfnsw.org.au

Come and have a meal and chat with Friends who know how you feel.

All members welcome.

To book call the office on 9290 2355 or email admin@tcfnsw.org.au

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:

THE BEREAVED PARENT CENTRE

Suite 802 8th Floor 32 York Street Sydney

WE ARE LOCATED AT: Suite 802 8th Floor 32 York Street Sydney This is just around the corner from King Street, one block from the QVB and opposite the Grace Hotel.

Mailing address: Telephone: Fax: Email: Website:

Webmaster: Siblings contact: Email for Focus submissions:

MEETINGS AT THE CENTRE

TCF NSW GPO Box 1303 Sydney NSW 2001 02 9290 2355 1800 671 621 02 9290 2445 admin@tcfnsw.org.au

"We need not walk alone" Bereaved parents are warmly invited to attend the meetings listed overleaf. Newly bereaved parents and siblings are encouraged to ring the Centre and schedule a time for a one on one meeting before attending a group.

Chapter Leaders & volunteers at TCFNSW offer friendship, comfort and understanding. They are not trained counsellors, but people like you with a shared, lived experience of losing a child, sibling or grandchild.

www.thecompassionatefriendsnsw.org.au web@tcfnsw.org.au siblings@tcfnsw.org.au

CHILDREN AND BABIES ln consideration for other bereaved parents, we ask you not to bring your children to the Centre.

focus@tcfnsw.org.au

OFFICE HOURS

TCF NSW WEBSITE

11am to 2.30pm MONDAY TO FRIDAY Bereaved parent volunteers are available at the Centre during these hours on most but not all days. If you are planning to visit the Centre please telephone first as there may not always be a volunteer available to staff the Centre. We welcome your visit or telephone call and will return phone calls as soon as possible. An email to president@tcfnsw.org.au will also get a reply.

www.thecompassionatefriendsnsw.org.au is your immediate connection to other bereaved parents.

Check our website for up to date details of -

 TCF NSW News

FOCUS PUBLICATION DETAILS

 Events Past and Present

FOCUS is published three monthly with subscriptions paid annually.

 Memorial Wall

FOCUS EDITORIAL GROUP Jenny Wandl (Editor), Ann McGill, Joy Rappo, Heather Childs, Helen Murcutt FOCUS PRINTING AND MAIL OUT TEAM Printing: Alan Purser, Colin Kemp, Carol Jones.

Mail Out: Nellie Booker, Audrey Duncan, Anne Gleeson, Janis McKenzie, Emma Truppe, The Focus Editorial Group reserves the right to edit & publish articles submitted to Focus at its discretion. Material submitted may not always be included in the next Focus to be printed. If any source material has been inadvertently used or adopted without acknowledgements, we trust that permission would have been given, as this information has been produced in "common cause" to help those in distress. In the same spirit, readers please feel free to use or pass on any TCF NSW material presented here. TCF Newsletter Editors in Australia and Worldwide may reprint material from this newsletter providing credit is given to the author and TCF NSW Inc. Anything not written personally by the person submitting the article must have the source, i.e. author’s name, name and date of magazine, publisher of the book.

Next Focus: June, July, August—Winter Edition Deadline for copy: May 7th

 Member’s Forum If you have any queries or issues with the website please also direct these to Webmaster: Brett Rylance web@tcfnsw.org.au.

PHONE A COMPASSIONATE FRIEND The people below are available when you need to talk, within reasonable hours.

Karin; Cathryn; Anna; Marlay; Lorraine; Liz; Jeanette; Rhonda; Lana;

Death after illness Blue Mountains North Coast Male grief Far North Coast Central Coast Death by suicide Wee Waa City North

9388 9390 4739 8209 6566 6089 6777 7533 6672 3219 0424 470 029 0419 432 066 6795 5186 9858 1571

Although these people have special listings, any of them are happy to talk to you and offer comfort and support.

Your input is welcome.

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CONTACTS AND MEETING DATES SYDNEY

NSW COUNTRY

YOUNGER CHILDREN Mondays 11am to 2pm Please phone the Centre on 9290 2355 if you wish to attend a sharing meeting.

OLDER CHILDREN 3rd Thursday each month 11am to 2pm

BEGA - By arrangement Contacts: Susan 02 6492 1460 Janice 02 6492 1359 Email: Bega@tcfnsw.org.au BLUE MOUNTAINS - By arrangement Contact: Cathryn 02 4739 8209 BOWRAL - By arrangement Contacts: Liz 0414830843 or 02 4871 3773 (ah) Email: Bowral@tcfnsw.org.au

March 17 , April 21, May 19.

Any parent who has lost a child, or any bereaved sibling or grandparent is welcome to this meeting.

Contact: TCF Centre 9290 2355

CESSNOCK - By arrangement Contact: Jeanette 0419 432 066 Email: Cessnock@tcfnsw.org.au

SATURDAY SUPPORT GROUP 4th Saturday of the month 11am to 1pm

GRAFTON - Last Tuesday 10am to 12noon

March 24, April 28, May 26.

March 29, April 26, May 31

For all bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents.

Contact: Richard 0423 779 282

Contact: Email:

SUICIDE SUPPORT 2nd Wednesday of the month 11am to 2pm

Robyn 02 6643 2748 Office 9290 2355 Grafton@tcfnsw.org.au

HAWKESBURY - By arrangement Contact: Audrey 02 4577 8006

March 9, April 13, May 11.

HOWLONG -2nd Monday at 10am

Any parent, sibling or grandparent whose child has died by suicide is invited to these meetings.

March 14, April 11, May 9.

Venue: The Howlong Resource Centre, Cnr Hawkins St & Hovell St, Howlong Contact: Louise 02 6026 8368 or 0408 223 211 Email: Howlong@tcfnsw.org.au

Contact: Nellie 9625 6707 ADULT CHILDREN - CANCER GROUP Contact: Karin 9388 9390

INVERELL - By arrangement Contact: Heather & Graham 02 6721 1319 Email: Inverell@tcfnsw.org.au

SIBLINGS Last Thursday of each month at the City Centre

March 31, April 28, May 26.

KIAMA

Special group for people of any age who have lost a sibling.

1st Thursday at 10 am and 7 pm

March 3, April 7, May 5.

Venue: Meeting room, Church of St. Peter & Paul Manning Street, Kiama Contact: Denise 0408 360 034

SUBURBAN SYDNEY

LISMORE - 3rd Thursday at 7.30pm

CAMPBELLTOWN - 1st Friday at 7:30pm

Venue: Activities Centre, Lismore Baptist Church, Rotary Drive & Uralba St. Lismore Contacts: Dianne 02 6621 5558 Glennys 02 662 14086 Email: Lismore@tcfnsw.org.au

March 17, April 21, May 19.

March 4, April 1, May 6.

Venue: Narellan Community Health Centre Queen Street, Narellan Contact: Joy 02 9606 5859 Cheryl 02 9820 9112 Email: Campbelltown@tcfnsw.org.au

MURWILLUMBAH - 2nd Thursday

March 10, April 14, May 12.

MIRANDA - 2nd Tuesday at 7:30pm

Contact: Email:

Venue: Contact: Email:

MUSWELLBROOK - By arrangement Contacts: Jennifer 02 6543 1694 Helen 02 6543 2319

March 8, April 12, May 3

The Conference Centre, Calvary Gail 02 959 34611 Miranda@tcfnsw.org.au

Lorraine 02 6672 3219 for details Murwillumbah@tcfnsw.org.au

NELSON BAY - By arrangement Contact: Bev 02 4984 9607 Email: NelsonBay@tcfnsw.org.au

NORTHERN BEACHES - By arrangement Contact: Linda 0413 750 571 Email: NorthernBeaches@tcfnsw.org.au

NEWCASTLE - Last Wednesday at 10.30 am

March 30, April 27, May 25.

Venue: SlDs and Kids Hunter Region, 78 Stewart Avenue, Hamilton Contact: Daphne 4952 3691

ROUSE HILL - By arrangement Contact: Sandra 0420 600 953 Email: RouseHill@tcfnsw.org.au

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COUNTRY CHAPTERS cont’d……..

YOUNG - 2nd Tuesday - Lunch 12noon

March 8, April 12, May 10.

NOWRA - 4th Friday at 10.30am

Venue: Empire Hotel Lovell Street Young Contacts: Kerry 0412 833 935 Carolyn 02 6385 3313 Email: Young@tcfnsw.org.au

March 24, April 28, May 26.

Venue:

East Nowra Neighbourhood Centre Cottage 2180 Park Road, East Nowra

Contact:

May 02 4423 0131

Email:

Nowra@tcfnsw.org.au

OTHER AUSTRALIAN CONTACTS

PARKES - 2nd Sunday 2 monthly - 2pm to 4pm Venue:

ADELAIDE P.O. Box 26, Kent Town SA 5071 08 8351 0344 www.compassionatefriendssa.org.au

The Neighbourhood Centre Currajong Street, Parkes

Contacts: Judy & Tony 02 6862 3458 Email:

BRISBANE - Drop-in Centre 505 Bowen Terrace New Farm Qld 4005 P.O. Box 1930, New Farm Qld 4005 07 3254 2535 07 3379 3407

Parkes@tcfnsw.org.au

QUEANBEYAN Contact:

Janine 62979993 (ah)

SINGLETON - 3rd Monday at 10am

CANBERRA TCF ACT & Queanbeyan Grant Cameron Community Centre 27 Mulley St. Holder ACT 2611 0491 137 818

March 21, April 18, May 16.

Venue:

Neighbourhood Centre 21 Mary Street, Singleton

PERTH - Metro & North WA City West Lotteries House 2 Delhi Street West Perth WA 6005 08 9486 8711 www.compassionatefriendswa.org.au

Night meetings by arrangement Contacts: Pauline 02 6572 1933 Carol 02 6573 2183 Email:

Singleton@tcfnsw.org.au

TAMWORTH - 2nd Wednesday 10am to 12noon

March 14, April 11, May 9.

Meeting

The Cottage, next to the Uniting Church

Venue:

Marius Street, Tamworth

Contact:

Karen 0427 922714

Email:

Tamworth@tcfnsw.org.au

MANDURAH - covers South WA

(Kwinana, Rockingham, Peel & South West regions) Mandurah Lotteries House, 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah WA 6210 Ph/Fax 08 9535 7761

TWEED HEADS - by appointment Contact:

Helen 0428 514 776 Rodney 0429 166 100

Email:

Tweedheads@tcfnsw.org.au

MELBOURNE - Bereaved Parent Centre 173 Canterbury Rd Canterbury Vic 3126 03 9888 4034 www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au

WALCHA Contact:

TASMANIA - Hobart Peter and Lee 03 6344 4955

Marlay 02 6777 7533

WEE WAA Contact:

Rhonda 02 67 5186

WORLD WIDE FAMILY OF COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS All of the sites below have information which may be of help Austria Philippines

verwaiste.eltern@inode.at rarww.compassionatefiiends.info

Canada

tcfcanada.net

Belgium

tcf.belgium@skynet.be

Germany Netherlands

South Africa - Johannesburg South Africa - Capetown USA United Kingdom

spiegelungen@karingrabenhorst.de

France

www.verein-regenbogen.ch

New Zealand

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www.compassionatefriends.org.za www.tcfcape.co.za www.compassionatefriends.org www.tcf.org.uk Raymond.martin2@wanadoo.fr tcfnz@hotmail.co.nz

A Tribute to Our Children on our Website Some of you may be aware that our website (www.thecompassionatefriendsnsw.org.au) has the ability for members to add their child / grandchild / sibling to our online Memorial Wall. The Memorial Wall provides members with the ability to dedicate a small section of our site as a tribute to your child, brother, sister or grandchild. This is a personal way for members to share their memories with our TCF community.

In this tribute you can upload a photograph, a personal message, and some specific remembrance dates. It also provides members to create as many tribute messages as you would like by lighting a candle and writing a few words.

These messages can be written by any member.

Our Memorial Wall is not open to the public and the only way you can access it is through logging into our website. Login to our website by entering the User Name and Password first given to you when we commissioned the website or when you joined. The login box is available on almost all of our website pages as shown here.

Once logged in you can access the Memorial Wall under the Membership menu as shown below.

To create a new tribute, select the New Obituary button.

This will take you to a form where you enter the required details for the tribute, write a personal message and upload a photograph (use Images button). Once that is done, select Save and your tribute will be complete.

This will take you directly to the Memorial Wall where you will see a listing of our children. You can search for a child using the Extended Search button or just select a letter to sort by family name.

You can enter the tribute page of a child by clicking on the name, or the photograph or the Read More button in the Memorial Wall. This will open the full tribute where all of the message will be available, where you can see a larger version of the picture (by clicking on it in the tribute page), and where you can read or enter ‘light a candle’ messages.

(See next column.)

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While we totally respect members who do not wish to use member functionality, we encourage those who would like to share their beautiful children with other members to do so. This is a great way or just a place for you to reflect and write a personal message on how much your child means to you.

If you have any issues using this functionality or are not sure how to enter your tribute, please do not hesitate to contact our webmaster Brett on web@tcfnsw.org.au He is willing to help you in any way he can.

From The President A New Year, hopefully one in which you will all find a way to be happy. It is your right, in spite of the terrible things that have happened to you.

The news about Rob Carroll reminded me that that is what we at TCF are here for. The Carrolls have been such good friends to TCF NSW, and I wish there was some way we could take their pain away. However Mary’s letter says it all in terms of what TCF is about.

Weekend Gathering.

We were not able to book a suitable time at Mary McKillop Place this year, so have decided to delay the next Gathering until the first 6 months of 2017, hoping that earlier in the year will be easier to organise. However that does not mean that there will be no interesting events for our members. Rather than one large gathering, we will hold several one day events both in the Metro area and around the state. Before I can give details, we will need to work out a programme, and discuss with Chapter Leaders. We are looking at areas such as the South Coast, Central Coast, Hunter, Northern NSW and so on, with the idea that TCF Council will help the locals to put on the day, find presenters and fund the event. Parkes are already on board, planning a day for groups in the Central West in May. As soon as we have it organised, we’ll let you know.

Volunteers.

We are still looking for volunteers who will commit to doing work for us on a regular basis, taking a particular job and making it their own. Which job will depend on the skills of the various members.

Colin Kemp and Alan Purser are now printing and putting together the Focus, This is a great team, and we in the office know that we can leave them to it.

There is also a great team which has been handling the mail out for years, and is still going strong under the guidance of Janis McKenzie.

There are other jobs, making up send out packages, receipting, membership, planning events. All these are jobs which one person could make their own, but which need to be done on a regular basis. Alan and Judith Purser, and Helen Murcutt have just joined the office team, and Heather Childs, is working from home for the time being.

If you are ready to give back to TCF, we would welcome you on the team and you may like to come to our Volunteer Information Day at the York St Centre on March 8th.

Best wishes to you all and—

Letter from a Member Firstly, I’d like to thank your organisation and Janice in particular for writing such kind words on Bradley’s anniversary. It has been 23 years since Brad died and he was 23 at the time of his death, so it is a strange feeling. And of course, after such a long time, no one remembers “that date.” But to get a card from someone who has experienced the same loss, means a lot to me, so thanks.

The December Focus has just arrived in my inbox and I am looking forward to reading it. It will be something comforting to read tomorrow. TCF is such a valuable support organisation for those that have suffered the devastating loss of a child or children and I appreciate being able to access your resources.

Sincerely, Marj Ellis

The Equator Effect Marjorie is experiencing the Equator Effect.

I hope that by explaining this phenomenon to her, it has help her understand that she is not going crazy—that this is a normal part of the grief journey.

This is the time when the number of years you have had your child is the same as the number of years they have been gone. It is a known fact that this time plays havoc with the emotions.

Marjorie was kind enough to send of photo of Brad, a fine young man indeed. Our sympathy goes out to the Ellis family, and to any others who may be suffering this way, and who wonder why, just now, they feel especially bad.

Brad Ellis

Be kind to yourselves.

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Members of Young Chapter of TCF were extremely sad to learn of the death of their member

Just a brief update on Kiama.

BILL KELLEHER

We held a Candle lighting ceremony at my home in December 2015. There were 9 of us all together, but it was moving and special. One member brought her daughter along and she was very interested in talking to the group. We each lit our candle while talking about our child. Some had candles which held significance for their child, in colour or some other detail.

who passed away after a long illness on the 27th December 2015 Bill and his wife Betty have been members of both the Forbes and Young chapters since the death of their beloved son, Mark, 18 years ago.

In November, one of our members suggested that instead of a photo album of our children, we could start a scrapbook page of each child. She brought along all the materials and many ideas and we began in earnest at our December meeting. This will be continued in 2016 until complete.

They travelled to meetings from their home in Grenfell NSW and were a driving force behind the formation of a grieving group established in Cowra NSW in conjunction with the Salvation Army.

For many years Bill & Betty have sent a beautiful remembrance note to members of Forbes & Young chapters on the anniversaries of losing our children.

We have many members from the old group over 8 years ago, coming along from time to time to help out and this is wonderful.

Bill's presence will be sadly missed at our meetings and we extend our love and sympathy to Betty, Denise

Have a happy new year and hopefully I will see you this year.

Cheers, Denise Adams

Our Facebook Bill and Betty Kelleher

Is going very well under the guidance of Ann Arciuli and Sue Berry. Below is a recent post.

Www.facebook.com/The Compassionate Friends SW Please visit our site and add your thoughts.

Miranda Chapter

Those we love can never really leave us,

Has advised us of their dates for the whole year, as follows.

we feel their presence like a gentle touch

Calvary Hospital, Kogarah Conference Centre,

whenever we remember moments shared

Rocky Point Road.

and do again the things they loved to do.

Tuesdays 7.30 pm

In so many ways, they remain with us,

March 8, April 12, May 3, June 14, July 12, August 2,

their gentle spirits part of all we do

September 13, October 11, November 1, December 13.

Contact: Email:

and all we are. author unknown

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Gail 02 959 34611 Miranda@tcfnsw.org.au

LIVING AROUND GRIEF Taken from the talk at last year’s Gathering

by Liz Davies Often when we read about grief we are told that people go through various stages and that in the end the grief gets ‘resolved’. This suggests that when we have moved through these stages and the ‘grief work’ has been done we can then ‘move on’. This is not everyone’s experience. Some people find that their grief never really goes away and sometimes can be as painful as it ever was.

Another way of trying to understand our grief is explained below and came from a woman who had lost her child. It might help to make sense of your own grief.

The woman’s child had died some years before. At this time, she said, grief had overwhelmed her totally, filling every part of her life, awake and asleep. She drew a picture (Figure 1) with a circle to represent her life and shading to indicate her grief. It was all consuming. She had thought that as time went by the grief would shrink and become neatly encapsulated in her life, in a small and manageable way; she was realistic enough to imagine that it would not go away entirely. (Figure 2) But what happened was different. The grief stayed just as big, but her life grew around it (Figure 3). There were times, anniversaries or moments which reminded her of her child, when she functioned (or couldn’t function) entirely from out of the shaded circle in her life and her grief felt just as intense as it every had. But more and more she was able to experience life in the larger circle of her life.

What helps some people with this view of grief (and it does not fit everyone) is that it reduces our expectation that our grief should largely go away. Often we have a sense of disloyalty to the deceased about carrying on with our lives and we get stuck or feel held back. This model shows how we can still grieve the loss of our loved one while continuing our own lives. It explains the dark days, the not so dark days and also the depth the grief has given our lives. It shows how we may have to ‘grow a new life’, embracing the loss into our lives as we move forward…

How it was at first…….

Figure 1 Life was all consumed with grief

How she thought it would be…….

Figure 2 She thought the grief would shrink and become a small but manageable part of her life

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What really happened……?

Figure 3 The grief stayed just as big but her life grew around it. At times it felt she could experience only the grief but at others she was able to experience other parts of her life.

From Liz Davies” talk. Diagram showing how we grow around our grief.

ABC OPEN For anyone who contributed to the “In Memory of” feature Thank you for your involvement in the ABC Open 'In Memory of’ project.

The ABC News interactive’s In Memory Of feature is now live. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-23/in-memory-of-lives-lost-in-2015/6987092 It’s a popular and poignant project for the end of year, sharing the stories we’ve received from community members who have lost a loved one in 2015.

You can also listen and download 20 audio pieces from the project at ABC Open Soundcloud here: https://soundcloud.com/abc-open/sets/in-memory-of-2015 Thanks again for your help in contacting people, sharing the call out and writing stories for this landmark series.

Kind regards, Jeff 11

The Murwillumbah Chapter hosted forty-three members and guests to the annual Christmas Luncheon at Greenhills-on-Tweed on Friday 20th November, with some members travelling from Caloundra (Liz and Samuel), Brisbane (Vera and Marion), and Lismore (Glennys and Dianne) along with our local members. Doris Zagdanski also enjoyed sharing the day with us as our guest, as Doris is often presenting to us at Seminars. Our Co-Chapter Leader Colleen welcomed members and guests, who were very quickly sharing memories around the Memory Table, carefully choosing their crafted butterflies for the candle lighting along with bright coloured paper hearts for the balloon release, and later browsing through last year’s photographs and generally making new ‘TCF friends’.

After the official welcome, Shirley Kuhnell read out the ‘Memory Candles’, The candles were then lit by Glennys Gow, Samuel Fletcher, Shirley Kuhnells Aunt Lynette and Louise Wallis.

Liz and Denny

Christine and Kerry

As the Frank Chacksfield Orchestra’s rendition of ‘Candle on the Water’ played, members and guests gathered around the candelabra, lighting candles, placing butterflies, taking time to reflect while their candle flickered.

Following a most enjoyable traditional Christmas lunch, it was now time to draw the ‘Christmas Hamper Raffle’. Tickets continued to be pulled from the bucket, as some thirteen lucky prizewinners were announced. Carol Everson has created and donated a beautiful Faberge Egg for our Chapter for the past twenty-three Christmas luncheons. The eggs have been crafted specifically for bereaved parents.

The raffle raised a significant amount for TCF. This fundraising is a sideline to the purpose of the day, but our Chapter is extremely grateful to those who supported us again this year.

Joy and Judy, raffle prize winners

The programme had run smoothly and it was now time to chat over coffee and enjoy scrumptious Christmas cake made by Shirley Kuhnell. Guests were obviously enjoying their newfound friendships and I am always amazed to see bereaved parents mix and mingle like long lost friends. I take this opportunity to again thank Pauline Hoare for her generous contributions of Christmas cakes for many years, made in memory of her daughter Sandra.

Hopefully hearts now felt lighter and our guests had found renewed strength to face their Christmas season.

Our Chapter sadly continues to grow, and I for one, am forever grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this warm and friendly group.

When our son died, I remember words resonated in my head - ‘out of something this bad, there must be something good’. That ‘good’ has to be ‘The Compassionate Friends’.

May we all find renewed hope and peace in our hearts in 2016.

Judy Fraser Co-Chapter Leader Murwillumbah

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Bruce and Ray

The Balloon release

Murwillumbah Chapter -

From

Tribute to Colleen Cutcheon -

Suzzanne

Mother of Ged

Lodding

It was with a sad heart I received Colleen’s letter in December.

For health reasons, Colleen is ‘stepping back’ from her post as my Chapter Co- Leader. I was not surprised by Colleen’s decision as I had watched her soldier on through her pain whilst continuing to convene our monthly meetings and care for our members.

I live in a remote rural area of the Far South Coast. My first contact with TCF NSW was after the death of my youngest son in 2004.

I was feeling isolated and very alone, my partner and friends were doing their best to console me, “pick me up” or “make me feel better.” I contacted SIDS from the phone book. A lovely lady gave me the number to ACT TCF. I rang and spoke to a voice that would change my thought patterns.

Colleen and I have worked closely together for the past two years since Lorraine Grennan’s retirement. Colleen’s kindness and compassion for the bereaved will be sorely missed. Her huge heart and wealth of knowledge, has been pivotal in her expertise in convening our meetings, instilling positivity, sharing the sadness but somehow always ending the meeting with a little laughter.

At that time our area did not have a chapter for TCF. I contacted TCF NSW and began receiving the Focus newsletter. At times I was unable to open and read the news letter. I had to learn to pick my moments.

Colleen has a very special ‘co-pilot’ in husband Ron, who is always there to support and assist Colleen in all she does for TCF. Our friendship began in 1970 when we were both ‘in the family way’. My son Robert died on the long weekend in June 1993 and Colleen’s son Ged died on the long weekend in June 2004. Colleen joined our Chapter in 2008, and so an even stronger friendship was forged through the loss of our sons.

After a while I began to contribute to the news letter. If I spoke to my friends about my feelings they did not understand the thoughts I was having. Through Focus you can read other peoples’ journeys. You begin to realise that you are not alone. Your thoughts are similar to others who have had to experience such a traumatic time.

We have all learned so much from you Colleen. May 2016 be kind to you. May your medical treatments be successful. May you enjoy the rest and relaxation you so deserve. We look forward to meeting again sometime soon.

I have been receiving the Focus since 2005. Over that time I have had to endure the loss of three of my four adult sons. Ricky, 19 years, motor bicycle accident, Corry, 23 years, suicide, Jason 32 years, bronchial pneumonia due to drug addiction.

On behalf of our members I offer sincere thanks for the tireless and selfless effort you have given TCF.

I am a resilient person, however I do believe without the contact from TCF I would not be where I am today. Just being able to see your children’s names in print, to be able to write stories about them, to be able to read other journeys parents have had to travel. To be able to write how you are feeling, what you have felt, how you perceive yourself, your new way of life and not be judged, is empowering. It encourages you to go forward.

Ged’s memory will always be kept alive through your work with the bereaved.

Sincerely Judy Fraser Murwillumbah Chapter

Tribute to Colleen Cutcheon I was sorry to learn that Colleen Cutcheon, one of our long-term members of TCF Mbah Chapter, who was in the position of Chapter Co-Leader with Judy Fraser for the past two years, has had to step down because of ill health.

Colleen had the warm and wonderful compassionate understanding nature that one needs for such a job, and the input and expertise she gave to our Chapter members will be sorely missed. Well done, and many thanks Colleen and may your health improve with rest and care.

Lorraine. Former Chapter Leader

To know you are not going mad from your thoughts, to understand how others feel is good for the soul.

TCF is educational, they have ideas to keep you focused, books to access, meetings to attend, ideas that have helped others during their early days, ideas for your future.

I attended a couple of meetings in Bega when the Bega chapter was forming. The night time meeting was too difficult, as was the one hours drive home after.

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Memory Corner In Loving Memory of a Beautiful Son SCOTT GERALD REID 21.3.1972—18.3.1996

6th International TCF Gathering and the 20th National Conference VEID

My beautiful angel taken so suddenly 20 long hard years ago. Your handsome face came from nowhere to greet you with the biggest smile. Things changed, my darling; we learned to go on and look at things so differently.

(Bereaved Parents and Siblings in Germany)

Your family miss you so much. We love and adore our darling Scottie Boy.

The conference will be held at the Hotel InterContinental, Wilhelm-Leuschner-Strasse 43, D-60329, Frankfurt am Main, Germany (www.frankfurt.intercontinental.com).

Much love my beautiful angel, always, XXXXXXXXX Your Mum, XXXXXXXXXXXX Annie Reed, Murwillumbah.

The conference programme is comprised not only of lectures, presentations and workshops but also a "Walk to Remember" and several evening activities, including a cultural programme.

Participants can sign up for the international TCF conference and gathering from the 2nd November 2015 onwards and can also book accommodation from 7th September 2015, if needed, directly at the InterContinental. Due to fire safety regulations we can only host up to 300 adults and 50 children. The conference will be held at the Hotel InterContinental, Wilhelm-LeuschnerStrasse 43, D-60329, Frankfurt am Main, Germany (www.frankfurt.intercontinental.com).

Book Review, Baby Benjamin’s Impressions

By Susan Oxenham, reviewed by Helen Murcott.

Benjamin was born prematurely on 31st October 1993 and he died in 1998. From the beginning he was battling multiple handicaps, partial blindness and cerebral palsy and difficulty feeding. But his mother Susan Oxenham writes about his fighting spirit and the joy he gave even through all this suffering that he went through and Susan went through with him.

Susan uses verse and paintings as well as journalising his short life. It is an evocative memoir to show that every child has a life worthy of celebrating and knowing. This isn't so much a book about coming to terms with Benjamin's death as coming to terms with his life and remembering him for the beautiful soul he was.

More information from our office.

This book is in our library.

Arrival: 28th July 2016, starting at 15:00.

Conference: 29th July till 31st July 2016 Registration for the conference will be open until April 21st 2016 at the latest. If the maximum number of participants has been reached earlier unfortunately the registration to the conference will be closed.

Neither accommodation nor breakfast is included in the conference registration.

The fees for our conference between 29th and 31st July 2016 are 250 € (Euros) per person for members of a TCF -Organisation and 300 € (Euros) per person for others.

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10/01/1985

Michael Cody

19 yrs 4mths

16/04/2011

Georgina Josephine Cockburn

15 mths

01/03/1993

Nyssa Hayley McInnes

3 yrs

17/04/2010

David James Baker

29 yrs

01/03/2009

Shantay Janelle Denigan

46 yrs

18/04/1997

David Andrew Carty

25 yrs

01/03/2012

Robert Frederick Hunter Kier

40 yrs

19/04/2001

Dean Vassilimis

38 yrs

04/03/1990

Angela Nicole Taylor

18 yrs

20/04/2013

Lucy Marie Sauer

21 yrs

04/03/1998

Joshua Lee Williams

20 yrs

21/04/2010

Nicholas Patrick Johnston

22 yrs

06/03/2015

Damien Borg

34 yrs

22/04/1969

Nola Jean Page

2 days

08/03/2010

Peter Luxford

38 yrs

24/04/2001

David Galloway

12 yrs

09/03/2010

Geoffrey Alan Gaudoin

78 yrs

24/04/2009

Alsion Makroglou

29 yrs

11/03/1998

Benjamin Oxenham

4 yrs

26/04/1997

Alicia Kathleen Snaith

17 yrs 7 mths

12/03/1997

Michelle (Curry) Hayes

33 yrs

28/04/1986

Joseph Lancelot Meek

2 mths

12/03/2011

Dane Eaton

24 yrs

28/04/1996

Sarah Kate Loughton

15 yrs

13/03/1987

Paul Gerard Dunn

20 yrs

28/04/2005

Justine Anais Smith

23 days

13/03/2011

Lee James Mason

27 yrs 6 mths

29/04/1995

Peta Louise Adams

21 yrs

13/03/2013

Chris Pate

26 yrs

29/04/2008

John (Johnnie)Broughton

9 yrs 5 mths

16/03/2013

Kurtis Young

15 yrs

30/04/2008

Corry Daniel Knight

24 yrs

17/03/2000

Anthony Murray Rappo

18 yrs

30/04/2009

Heidi Maree Clarke-Lewis

29 yrs

18/03/1996

Scott Gerald Reed

23 yrs 11 mths

01/05/2007

Samuel Wallace John Petherbridge

17 yrs

18/03/2011

Nicholas Murcutt

46 yrs

02/05/2007

Emma Jane Spooner-Hart

31 yrs

20/03/2012

George Tsftaropoulos

27 yrs

03/05/2006

Stuart Moore

24 yrs

21/03/2011

Jessica Loch

19 yrs

03/05/2001

Scott Dean Riall

12 yrs 8 mths

22/03/2012

Aaron Fryer

17 yrs 6 mths

04/05/2003

Peter McGovern

28 yrs

23/03/1983

Michael (Mick) Stewart Grennan

20 yrs 6 mths

04/05/2005

Tanya Fernandes

30 yrs

23/03/2011

George William Matchett

21 yrs

04/05/2008

Gavin Richard Wood

23 yrs

24/03/2013

Taylor Nicholas Ball

20 yrs

06/05/2009

Lauren Luxford

5 mths

24/03/2013

Anthony Philip Brown

48 yrs 6 mths

27/03/2003

Cheyne Andic

20 yrs

07/05/2014 09/05/1995

Andrew Porter (Taylor) Shaylyn Gander-Lawton

30 yrs 4 mths

28/03/2005

Justine Anais Smith

23 days

11/05/1998

Timothy David Leneve

16 yrs 7 mths

28/03/2014

Antony Phillips

27 yrs 10 mths

11/05/2013

Timothy Alan Purser

35 yrs

Alyssa Jade Hedlley

20 yrs

29/03/2009

Daniel Craig Haines Griffiths

21 yrs

11/05/2015

29/03/2013

Stewart Wilson

18 yrs

12/05/1975

Allison Norma Sarah Jack

2 yrs 8 mths

Brendan John Ruiters

16 yrs 6 mths

30/03/2003

Matthew Knowlson

13 yrs

16/05/1994

30/03/2009

Robert Kenneth Gallagher

46 yrs

16/05/2007

Alyce Deanna Meek ("Allie")

19 yrs

Glen John McKenzie

15 yrs

02/04/2006

Matthew Robert McCaughey

17 yrs

17/05/1994

03/04/2007

Nathan John Brooks

35 yrs

17/05/2012

Megan Dean

31 yrs

04/04/1992

John Richard Johnston

22 yrs

19/05/2008

Ross Andrew Dufty

38 yrs

Peter Gerard Gleeson

19 yrs

06/04/1995

Justin Brown

24 yrs

20/05/1994

08/04/1981

Terry John Geoffrey O'Brien

16 yrs 4 mths

22/05/2011

John Keiran Dooner

38 yrs

Shane Patrick Podesta

4 yrs

08/04/1982

Rodger Athey Jefferey

26 yrs

23/05/1987

08/04/2012

Jarrad Robert Lipman

7 yrs

23/05/2014

Elisa Alexandra Rebellato

20 yrs 3mths

Joshua Ireland

21 yrs

09/04/1995

Luke Anthony Farrugia

7.5 mths

24/05/2013

09/04/2002

Siobhain Keating

18 yrs

25/05/1988

Jean Louise Hamilton

23 yrs

Siddath Sethu Venkatesh

17 yrs

09/04/2015

Matthew (Matt) Eldridge (Seeney)

40 yrs

25/05/2012

10/04/2002

Christopher Jackson-Inns

29 yrs

26/05/2006

Louise Mary Clancy

39 yrs

Adam Berry

25 yrs

10/04/2010

Miles Alastair Liddell

18 yrs

27/05/2002

11/04/1971

Robert Dixon

12 yrs

27/05/2014

Lisa Wright

42 yrs

Michael Frederick Booker

29 yrs

11/04/2008

Travis James McCarron

21 months

28/05/1999

11/04/1998

Joel Emmanuel Ahrens-Archer

17 yrs 9 mths

28/05/1999

John David Whitburn

15 yrs

Bradley Paul Gallagher

36 yrs

12/04/2013

Dominic Thorpe- Poynter

24 yrs

28/05/2012

12/04/2014

Kayla Jade Whitten

11 yrs

30/05/2001

Paul Jeremy Dooner

30 yrs

20 yrs

31/05/2010

Courtney Jane Hull

20 yrs

16/04/2002

Luke Owen Williams

We apologise most sincerely should there be any errors or omissions—please let us know.

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From Parkes Chapter

Just sending some details and a couple of photos of our Candle Lighting night held here in Parkes in December.

It was held in Lions Park and it was a lovely evening. We had approximately 70 people in attendance...some older families who join us every year but also quite a few new families who have only lost a loved one in the past year or two. It was a very emotional time for them but they all commented that they thought it was beautiful and that they would be back next year.

We displayed our photos on our new pallet Christmas tree, lit candles, read out our ‘honour roll’ (all our children’s names) read poems from the booklet and listened to special music. We were blessed this year that one of our local talents sang a song for her close friends who had lost a granddaughter and a son-in-law within the past 2 years.

Then we cut a birthday cake for our Nic (as it was his birthday that day) and released balloons to symbolize our children’s free spirits.

We then had some time to chat with friends and share our thoughts.

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Siblings Pages The City & Met Siblings group meets on the last Thursday of every month from 6 pm to 7.30 pm.

Meetings are held at the Centre, Suite 802, 32 York St, Sydney.

Call or text Maree if you’d like to join us. 0403 796 118

New Siblings to our group often say when they meet us it’s like you get an instant membership to a ‘group that no one wants to belong to’, but once they’re here we all feel instantly connected and safe with one another. There’s a mutual understanding.

I saw a quote the other day by C.S. Lewis, for those of you who don’t know him, he wrote The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I feel that it sums us up quite nicely.

He said,” Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What, you too? I thought it was just me!”

Marlene Headington, at the Sibling candle lighting, December

Don’t take my grief away After my brother’s funeral someone told me that I was handling my grief well.

“No” I responded, “I’m not doing well at all.

If I was, I would crumble up on the floor and let my grief flood this room.

As it is I am stoically holding it all in because there is no one here who would be comfortable if I let it out.”

The City Siblings Group met at the York Street office for their Candle Lighting ceremony, in December. Given access to the larger empty office next door to ours, they turned it into a meaningful picnic area, with rugs spread around, A memory table was set up to honour their loved ones.

Origin unknown.

BROTHER a poem by Hannah Jane Spittle, UK I sit here and think, my brother is dead, how can you leave me, runs through my head, how can I think this, I love him so much, he is my brother, I need him so much, I sit here and think of what people will say, gathered round his coffin, death took him away, I shouldn't write this, but I need to tell, how my body's on earth,

Just because you feel guilty,

but my mind is in hell. -

doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

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Siblings Pages Helping Yourself Heal When an Adult Sibling Dies

Yet no matter what your present-day relationship with your sibling was, his or her death is a blow. You shared a long history with your sibling. Your stories began together and were intimately intertwined for years.

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters.

We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts.

We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.

We live outside the touch of time.”

—Clara Ortega Your brother or sister has died. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Whether your sibling was younger or older, whether the death was sudden or anticipated, whether you were very close to your sibling throughout your lives or experienced periods of separation, you are now grieving.

Know that sibling grief is important The loss of an adult sibling is often a significant one. I have had the privilege of companioning many sibling mourners, and they have taught me that they often feel deep pain and a profound sense of loss.

Yet our culture tends to under-appreciate sibling grief.

When an adult dies, the myth goes, it is the parents, spouse, and children of the person who died who suffer the greatest loss. We seem to think that siblings are affected less.

To grieve is to experience thoughts and feelings of loss inside you. If you loved your sibling, you will grieve.

To mourn is to express your grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.

Yet the truth is, the more deeply you feel connected to someone, the more difficult his or her death will be for you. And siblings—even when they have not spent much time together as adults—often have profoundly strong attachments to one another.

Yes, your grief for your sibling is very real. And it may be very difficult for you. Allow yourself the time and the support you need to mourn.

Consider your unique relationship

Accept different grief responses

Brothers and sisters often have strong and ambivalent feelings for one another. Sibling relationships tend to be complex, characterized by a mixture of anger, jealousy, and a fierce closeness and love. What was your relationship with the sibling who died? I’ll bet it wasn’t entirely simple.

Sibling relationships are so complex because while we are growing up, siblings are both friends and enemies, teammates and competitors. We play with our siblings, and we fight with them. We share our parents’ love, and we compete for our parents’ love. We enjoy being part of a family, and we struggle to become individuals.

Sometimes we carry our childhood rivalries and differences into adulthood, and our ambivalent feelings toward our brothers and sisters remain. Sometimes we separate from our siblings completely as adults. And sometimes we become very close friends with our grown-up brothers and sisters.

There is no one right way for you to mourn. Neither is there one right way for other family members to mourn. Each of you will mourn differently.

If you have surviving siblings, you will find that each will mourn this death in his or her own way. While you might have anticipated some of your sibling’s responses (for example, your emotional sister has probably been emotional), other responses may have surprised you. Try not to let these differences alarm you or hurt your feelings.

If your parents are still alive, they, too, will have their own unique responses to the death. You can help by facilitating open and honest communication with them about their grief and yours.

Feelings will naturally run high in your family in the weeks and months after the death. The best approach is to be open with one another without blaming.

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Siblings Pages Embrace the healing power of linking objects

Understand the concept of “reconciliation”

Linking objects are items that belonged to or remind you of the sibling who died. Photographs, videos, CDs, ticket stubs, clothing, gifts you received from him or her—all of these connect you to the sibling who died.

Some items may bring sadness, some happiness, some sappiness (i.e., when you are happy and sad at the same time). While linking objects may evoke painful feelings, they are healing feelings. They help you embrace the pain of your loss and move toward reconciliation

Know this: mourners don’t recover from grief. Instead, we become “reconciled” to it. In other words, we learn to live with it and are forever changed by it. This does not mean a life of misery, however. Mourners often not only heal but grow through grief. Our lives can potentially be deeper and more meaningful after the death of someone loved.

Yet we only achieve reconciliation if we actively express and receive support for our grief. Find someone who will listen without judging as you talk about your grief. Cry. Journal.

Make art. Find things to do that help you express your grief, and keep doing them.

Whatever you do, DO NOT get rid of linking objects that remind you of the sibling who died. If you need to box some of them up for a time, do so. Later, when you are ready, you will likely find that displaying linking objects in your home is a way to remember the sibling who died and honour your ongoing feelings of love and loss.

Honour the sibling who died Sometimes grieving families ask that memorial contributions be made to specified charities in the name of the person who died. Consider your sibling’s loves and passions. If he were still here, what would make him proud to have his name associated with?

Some families have set up scholarship funds. Some have donated books to the library or schools. Some have donated park benches or picnic tables, inscribed with an appropriate plaque. Some have planted gardens. You might also choose to carry on with something your sibling loved to do or left unfinished.

You will find that honouring your sibling is both a way to express your grief and to remember what was special about him or her.

If you are a twin, seek extra support If you are a twin whose twin brother or sister has died, you may be especially devastated by this death. Twins often report a sense of being halved after their twin has died. Without their twin, they simply do not feel whole.

Your grief work may be particularly arduous. I recommend that you seek the support of an experienced grief counsellor if you are struggling. The wonderful website www.twinlesstwins.org and the resources this organization offers may also be of help.

I believe every human being wants to “mourn well” the deaths of those they love. It is as essential as breathing. Yet because our culture misunderstands the importance of grief, some people deny or avoid their normal and necessary thoughts and feelings. Choose to mourn. Choose to heal.

Choose to live and love fully again.

A final word To be “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart” and “to have special needs.” When a sibling dies, it is like a deep hole implodes inside of you. It’s as if the hole penetrates you and leaves you gasping for air. I have always said that we mourn significant losses from the inside out. In my experience, it is only when we are nurtured (inside and outside) that we discover the courage to mourn openly and honestly.

Remember—you are not alone, and you are not forgotten.

No, your love does not end with the death of your brother or sister. You can and will carry your sibling with you into the future, always remembering your past and what he or she brought to the dance of your life.

About the Author Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, and Healing the Adult Sibling’s Grieving Heart, from which this article was excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Copyright 2007-2013, Center for Loss and Life Transition http://griefwords.com/index.cgi? action=page&page=articles%2Fadult_sibling.html&site_id=3

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A butterfly is so beautiful and bright It flutters and floats to much delight You had to go towards the light Heaven called you from our sight Your beloved soul had taken flight ยง Thanks for the painting and the verse, To Rachael from Campbelltown.

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