A personal diary about dealing with ambiguity & travelling to India during COVID-19 .

Experiences and emotions while dealing with ambiguity & travelling to India during COVID-19.

A 24 page personal diary by Tanishqa Bobde

01 Dear diary, It's March 2020 and COVID-19 has erupted. I am in Amsterdam, The Netherlands. Neighbouring countries of Italy, France and Germany are highly affected and this isn't any consolation.

I came to Amsterdam, alone, from India a few months back for an internship which went lovely, by the way. But since my journey wasn't affiliated with any university, I was all by myself and had to navigate my way around adjusting and meeting new people alone.It was an eyeopening and self exploratory journey.

Since my internship is now over, IÂ plan to come back to India.

How does this make me feel? Excited Don't know what to expect

Surprised

Dissappointed, sad

Angry, frustrated

02 I have cancelled my rental agreement, said goodbye to everybody and am ready for my flight. It's March 18, 2020 - the day of my flight and although it makes me sad to leave this beautiful city that I've most definitely fallen in love with, I'm so excited to come back home to my parents and cat. I'm still a bit afraid of getting COVID but luckily, it's not too bad in India yet.......................

Wait a minute,I just checked the news and found out that today, on this very day of my flight, India has announced a ban on all international flights.

03 Left with no choice,I am now unpacking and preparing to stay here for a few more days..weeks..months..nobody knows. With the looming fear of my Dutch VISA expiring soon, worries about my health insurance and most importantly, my housing - the agreement of which I have already cancelled, I put a smile on my face and choose to look on the bright side.

The supportive nature of the Dutch government and the kindness of my landlord is helping me navigate this complexity. In times like these, the one thing that can make one feel better really is kindess and empathy. Let's not forget, I'm in the final year of my Bachelor of Design degree in India and was supposed to have my thesis presentation in April 2020. This, of course, is now delayed and to be honest, it's bothering me way less than I thought it would - but it sure still is bothering me.

How does this make me feel?Â

Worried

Grateful

04 All of my batchmates are in India and if my institute decides to have a presentation at the last moment, I won't be present. Although I know that they'll understand my situation, I feel so far away from the unifying factor I have with my course - my fellow students. This is not how I imagined it would end. All these thoughts are lingering at the back of my mind, but the one thing that keeps me going is that my family, love, is waiting for me in India. And I have to keep it together because soon, I will meet them.

Seeing (over virtual mediums) my friends be with their family and eat home cooked meals isn't making this any easier. But again, "it's just a phase", is what I keep telling myself. "I'm used to living away from my family, it's not such a big deal". But it was. Let me tell you why.

How does this make me feel?Â

Sad

Nostalgic

Alone

05 You see, dear diary, Amsterdam is closed. I can't use public transport, I have sold my bike (because I was supposed to leave) & I live far away from everyone I know. My housemate is rarely home and I feel lonely.This situation is unpredictable and scary and I want to be with my family.

But,I have no choice. I have to keep myself sane. Video calls with those far away, cooking, nature, Youtube, Netflix, yoga and thesis work is keeping me busy.

But I'm lying if I say that at some moments, I didn't break down and cry. I keep telling myself that in the long run, this will only make me stronger.

But sometimes crying is all that helps.

How does this make me feel?Â

Empowered

06 Months have passed and it's now May. My residence permit has expired, but the government is understanding and all is well.

Over time, I'm getting used to living like this. I have now made some new friends who live close by. I'm also coming to terms with my own company. I'm trying not to occupy myself with too much 'doing' & choosing to spend time with my own thoughts. These few months have made me realise the absolute terror of being 'free' for too long. Of spending too much time simply 'being'. And I'm proud to say that I can now do that happily.

And I enjoy it. It's true that every situation, no matter how confusing and difficult, will only make me stronger.

07 Dear diary, it's 17.00 on May 25, 2020.

I just received an email from the Indian embassy in the Netherlands informing me of an emergency KLM flight for stranded Indian citizens (like me) from Amsterdam to Mumbai at 17.30 on May 26, 2020.

What?! I have to be at the airport in less than 24 hours! The embassy told me that KLM would separately contact the passengers regarding ticket purchase.

After frantically packing and waiting for details, still worried, at the back of my mind about the fact that my seat still isn't confirmed, I am going to try to get some sleep. Suddenly, this is my last night in the Netherlands.

Life threw a curveball, yet again.

This is happening so fast. I can't even say bye to everyone here. And why isn't KLM contacting me?! Well, at least I'll hopefully be home in India soon.

This is so exciting!

08 It's safe to say that communication isn't the strongest suit of the Indian embassy. But what's a stranded citizen got to do?

And, well, at least they organised a flight. That's something!

Support by the power of community.

You're not alone, we're all in this together.

The embassy is making calls to selected passengers and informing them about details, but if we miss the call, there is no way of calling back. What's helping me is the Indians in Netherlands group on Whatsapp and Facebook. This is a blessing, since everybody on it is sharing experiences and details. Since I missed the call, it's due to this group that I find out the next morning that I have to go to the Amsterdam airport Schiphol - to buy my flight ticket. After quickly packing some croissants, grabbing my mask and hopping on a train, I reach Schiphol. The airport is empty and after a lot of searching, I find the counter where they're selling tickets. Only the passengers whose names are on the database provided to KLM by the Indian embassy are being issued tickets. And oh, it's a long long line of passengers.

09 Let's not forget, dear diary, that I still have to wrap up packing, print forms, cook & pack food for the flight (because I heard they don't serve meals), close my bank account, deregister, end health insurance... oh it's utter chaos. I manage to get it all done just in time and reach the airport (again, haha) with my 2 massive bags and a bottle of sanitiser. It feels surreal that this is finally happening - I'm going home!

My thesis submission dates have been announced, and we have to submit a video in 2 weeks. This, along with the fear of getting COVID, is still at the back of my mind - but oh, the love and excitement I feel to be going back to my family tops it all. I feel strong. Love has the power to make the weakest feel stronger, above any fear or worry. These last 2 months of confusion have made me even stronger. I feel calm in the face of all this confusion. And I know I'll carry these learnings for the rest of my life.

For this, I am grateful - for not everyone is blessed with such bizarre experiences that end up making them stronger.

10 At the airport, all the check-in desks have a plastic screen in front of them to protect the personnel. The rest of the check-in procedure and security check is as per usual. After security check, I have to go to a gate number (which is told to me by the check-in personnel) where Schiphol officials are doing a mandatory health check-up for all passengers. There is a special official to make sure everyone in the queue is standing at a distance. The check up is being done in an assembly line style, which increases efficiency while ensuring 1.5 metres distance. The first official gives me a form where I have to declare any symptoms and risks (fever, cough, shortness of breath, proximity to COVID patients), the next one guides me to an empty table where I can fill it, the next measures my temperature, next one signs the form to declare that I don't have fever and finally, the next one puts a bright blue sticker on my passport and tells me the gate number where I can wait to board my flight. This blue sticker provides a simple visual cue and proof to the (already overloaded) airline officials that this passenger is safely checked and allowed to board the flight.

[A fear: I know there's less flights but what if my luggage goes on the wrong flight?]

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Schiphol airport, 26/05/2020

Health check up verification sticker

Very eerie looking boarding gate

Fellow passengers waiting to board

12 After bumping into the Indian ambassador before boarding and then (finally) boarding the flight,I take a sigh of relief, put my phone away and lay down comfortably, hoping the next 8 hours fly by quickly. The flight attendants have kept a packet of food including cola, mini sandwiches, cheese, crackers, stroopwafels (Dutchie's delight, haha) and a print out of the forms we have to fill and submit at the Mumbai airport on everyone's seat. Although I have printed out my forms already, this is vey helpful for many passengers who, quite understandably, haven't. As expected, they aren't going to provide us with any meals. Luckily, I have a box of pasta with me and I munch on that while watching Knive's out and faintly overhearing the flight attendant tell the lady sitting behind me that her 2 year old son has to keep his mask on at all times during the flight. You want to know what the scariest feeling is, dear diary? Having to go to the bathroom. Thinking about it gives me chills, haha

13 Dear diary, fast forward 8 hours and no sleep because of all the excitement buzzing through me, the flight lands at Mumbai International airport. As soon as I exit the flight, I see airport personnel dressed head to toe in protective suits and others taking photos of passengers.

They are counting batches of 30 passengers and taking them forward for the rest of the procedures. The next 30 passengers are made to wait for a bit before going ahead.

This helps reduce crowding and maintaining of distance. At Mumbai airport too, an assembly line form of working where one personnel is assigned one small task is being followed.

14 At the first checkpoint, I submit an undertaking cum indemnity bond form and get my temperature checked. Next, they take an on-the-spot photocopy of another form and give it to me, since I will have to submit it later. The next personnel tells me that I must download, register and take a self test on the Aarogya Setu app (a COVID monitoring app by the Indian government).

For this, I need an Indian SIM card.

They are creating 2 queues - one for people with an Indian sim card and one for those without. The queue for those without leads to a Jio desk where they're selling sim cards on the spot.

15 The personnel in the queues are patiently explaining to everyone what needs to be done on the Aarogya Setu app. After doing the self test and making sure the app has rights to access my location at all times (which I felt a bit skeptical about), I show the confirmation screen to the next personnel and then proceed to immigration. For the first time, the immigration desks have no queue and all desks have officers. Every other time, there's only been 5 officers on 15 desks and I've had to spend at least 20 minutes. This time I got done in 5 minutes. At every desk, they have sanitisers facing the passengers.

Then, I walk through duty free (which is covered in plastic sheets and looks very post apocalyptic and eerie), go to the baggage belt and customs.

After customs, I proceed to an area where they're separating people based on their final destination (Mumbai/Pune/Satara/Konkan and other places in Maharashtra).

16 The officials at the desks already have details of every passenger.

Since I'm gong to Pune and I have my transport arranged, they ask me for details of the driver and car at least ten times. They're also arranging special buses or taxis based on the number of passengers. After finally exiting the airport (a police officer came with me till the driver and verified his license) I start the journey by road to Pune. While travelling, I get multiple calls from authorities to make sure I don't secretly run away home and go to the government arranged institutional quarantine. I choose to be quarantined at a hotel (I have to pay myself). At the hotel, they collect my passport, make me pay on the spot and tell me that I have to take a COVID test (cost=Rupees 2500, I have to pay myself) on day 5 of quarantine. If it's negative, I will be allowed to go home. At home, I will have to quarantine for 7 more days.

The hotel is clean and disinfected and even after I settle into my room, I get a check-in call from the Indian authorities.

How does this make me feel?

Relieved, Exhausted, Pleasantly surprised

Impatient So close to my family, yet so far.

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Unsure - what if I get the virus?

I have so much thesis work to do!

18 I am satisfied with the way the Indian officials handled passengers at the airport. The hotel personnel place breakfast, lunch and dinner at respective times on a small table kept outside the room and ring the bell. This way, there's prevention of any physical contact.

Although I am alone in this room and not allowed to go outside, there's an underlying feeling of community which is very reassuring. I know deep down that I'm not alone and there's neighbours in the same situation. Overhearing voices of people from the hotel corridor has never felt this good.

19 The slightest of a cough, sneeze or runny nose fills me with fear now.

On day 4, I fill 2 forms for the COVID test (which came with my passport photocopy attached),and get a reminder call from the hotel authorities about the COVID test happening the next day. On day 5, I do the COVID test (the swab test which feels very intrusive) and on day 6, get negative results (such a relief!). Turns out, nobody in the hotel tested positive and we all will be allowed to go home the next day.

On day 7 - June 3, 2020, I fill an undertaking form regarding home quarantine for the next 7 days and then I'm finally allowed to go home.

I have never felt as relieved as when I finally sit in my parents' car, reach my room and see my cat. The crazy rollercoaster of the last 3 months feels worth it after all. Like I said before, love makes everything worth it.

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Why have I documented this?

This whole journey, not just from Schiphol to Pune, but from March 2020 till June 2020 has been a once in a lifetime experience. I wouldn't take it back for anything.

For designers, dealing with complexity and emotions is an essential skill. I believe that this experience has imbibed life skills which will translate brilliantly into the profession of design. I urge all designers, well actually, all human beings to embrace such situations with grace - only good will come out of it. This reflection has helped understand this all the more.

The strength of community & people going through the same situation as me - whether on Whatsapp groups or neighbours in hotel quarantine.

Knowing I have loved ones, although far away, waiting for me.

Connecting with friends virtually or face to face.

The management on Mumbai airport.

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What do I appreciate?

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What could've been better?

If I wouldn't have sold my bike in Amsterdam.

Communication by Indian embassy.

Alternative to paper form use.

Distance maintenance on airports.

Signages at Schiphol airport.

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By making this public, I hope to provide accurate emotional information - that could help one reflect on the workings of the human mind during complex situations and accurate information about COVID evacuation flight operations to those interested.

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Please reach out to me for any conversations or questions at tanishqabobde98@gmail.com.

A 24 page personal diary by Tanishqa Bobde