PAGE 42 • December 2015
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TABLE HOPPING
Vidiots by BRIAN MILLER
TERMINATOR GENISYS When Arnold Schwarzenegger
stepped away from public office in 2011 and made his return to the silver screen a short time later, it seemed inevitable that the action star would once again step into his role as the Terminator. There were some questions surrounding this resurrection, however, due in large part to the fact that the series had already been given the reboot treatment with the 2009 film, TERMINATOR SALVATION. Despite the success of the Christian Bale, Sam Worthington-led endeavor, Paramount gambled on the belief that people still wanted to see Arnold TERMINATOR GENISYS- D grab a shotgun and proclaim, “I’ll be back.” And, sure enough, this summer, another chapter of the TERMINATOR saga was released. TERMINATOR: GENISYS was easily one of the biggest disappoints of the summer. The time-travelling action-extravaganza was as lifeless and uninspired as blockbusters get. While mechanical hands and chrome-plated heads were ground breaking and awe inspiring in the early 90’s, in today’s modern moviemaking world, they fail to illicit any sense of wonderment. Combine this with the by-thenumbers action sequences and recycled plot-devices, and you have a full-fledged flop on your hands. After the evil Skynet snuffs out the majority of the human population and enslaves those who survived the catastrophic onslaught of violence, it is apparent that the artificial intelligence beings mean to take over the entire planet. There are, however, pockets of people who were able to somehow navigate their way through this world of ruin, and remain free from the suffocating grasp of the machines. This rebellion is led by John Carter (Jason Clarke) who stands at humanity’s last chance of salvation. TERMINATOR fans know this character well, as he has stood as the central figure of importance in each chapter of the franchise. The film begins with a quick introduction to the annihilation of our planet, including the obligatory destruction of the Golden Gate Bridge. Through a voiceover, Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) explains how he was saved as a child by John, and that the two of them became family. Reese knew that the fate of our species rested on the shoulders of his savior, and that the time had come to carry out a full-fledged attack. The duo, along with hundreds of others, attack the Skynet facility. While they are successful in destroying the program, they were not able to do so before a failsafe was put into motion. They quickly realize that a Terminator has been sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) in order to squash the revolution before its hero could even be born. As a result, Kyle is sent back in time to stop this from happening. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb to say that this plot is probably going to sound pretty familiar. It, in essence, has been at the heart of the entire series up until this point. This time around, when Reese arrives in 1984, he discovers that Sarah is already up to speed with what is going on, and she is even travelling with a T-800 machine that she has lovingly named “Pops.” This particular T-800, of course, is Arnold. This incarnation is a cute and cuddly version of the monster that
appeared in James Cameron’s initial film, and has effectively lost all of the menace and fear he evoked the first time around. His one-liners and quips are there, but his intimidating savagery is not. I realize that it may seem absurd to blast a film for being unoriginal when it stands as the fourth installment of a continuing saga, but there at least needs to be an attempt to do something new. This simply doesn’t happen. Aside from desecrating a character that has been the tent-pole of the entire franchise (and I’m not referring to the T-800), there are action sequences that have been done better by other productions, and a plot that feels like a convoluted attempt to garner a few more sequels and paychecks. Despite the film’s success overseas, its lackluster performance at the domestic box-office may be the ultimate thing that destroys this faltering franchise.
VACATION
Considering the continuing infatuation that Hollywood has with reboots and sequels, it came as no surprise when the announcement that another VACATION movies was slated to be released in the summer of 2015. Instead of the Griswold’s hitting the road and heading out to a new, albeit disastrous locale, they were going back to the place where it all began; Wallyworld. And, instead of the intrepid Clark (Chevy Chase) at the helm of the inevitably zany vacay, this time, it was Rusty (Ed Helms) who stood as the bumbling patriarch of his clan. It should have served as a troubling sign that from the very beginning, that of all the places in the world for the family to take VACATION- D+ a vacation, they were going to the same place that kicked everything off in 1983. This, more than any other device in recent memory, was proof that there wasn’t going to be a whole lot of ingenuity this time around. I did like the fact that Helms stood as the lead in the film, and I thought that, at the very least, he would provide a number of laughs even if the screenplay were to be less than spectacular. Given the unabashed hilarity he delivered as Andy Bernard in the THE OFFICE, combined with his understated turn in JEFF WHO LIVES AT HOME, there was every reason to believe that he would find a way to successfully execute the daunting task of stepping out from behind Chase’s considerable shadow. There is no denying that there are some laugh-out-loud moments in VACATION, and these are mostly thanks to Helms delivery on subpar material. It is out of sheer will and determination that these fleeting moments struck gold, because everything in between is pretty painful to bear. Along for the ride to Wallyworld is Rusty’s wife, Debbie (Christina Applegate) and their two sons, James (Skyler Gisondo) and Kevin (Steele Stebbins). Their rental car is a gas-guzzling death trap, Debbie wants nothing to do with Wallyworld, and Kevin is constantly assaulting James (physically, verbally, and mentally). They make stops along the way at Debbie’s old sorority, then to a backwoods pond for private swim, and even end up visiting grandma (Beverly D’Angelo) and grandpa (Chase) Griswold. These detours, obviously, were easy ways to throw in scenes that revolved around beer chugging, vomiting, and raw sewage. The gags were spectacularly unfunny and desperate, and served as a perfect encapsulation of the movie as a whole. Lazy, telegraphic moments that were neither entertaining, nor humorous. By the time the family arrives at Clark and Ellen’s home, viewers may arrive at the understandable conclusion that nostalgia alone would make the scene serve as the stand-out of the production. Instead, it is surprisingly awkward. While proving that the film could have somehow been even worse if Chase had been given more screen time, it forces the viewer to hope, wish, and pray that Uncle Eddie would come bursting into the room at any second. Sad spoiler alert: He doesn’t. While I certainly didn’t have any lofty expectations for VACATION, I never thought it would be as bad as this. This was a chance to re-establish the franchise for today’s modern audiences, but instead, leaves the viewer wishing that had picked up the original classic instead.