The Tab Cambridge Print Edition 2018

CAMBRIDGE

N E W Y E A RK !

NEW LOO

FRESHERS’ EDITION M I C H A E L M A S 2 01 8

ES FEATUR WHICH CAMBRIDGE NIIGHT OUT ARE YOU?

OPINION DATING APPS HAVE DESTROYED LOVE

NEWS THE HOTTEST STORIES OF THE SUMMER

W INTERVIE THE STUDENTS WHO POSED NAKED FOR CHARITY

TH T HEE TA TA B B’’SS BB IG I GLLOOV V E SU URV R VE E YY RR EESSUULT LT SS AARR E EI NI N Hollie Berman We asked, you answered. In the name of Highly Scientific Enquiry and Top Notch Journalism™, we quizzed a pool of current Cantabs about their online dating habits.

Our aim was to uncover how relationships are (or are not) forming in Cambridge in the digital age, and what this suggests about the way we are now interacting with one another. And also because we’re lonely and had nothing better to do.

∙∙Over Over half half of of Cambridge’s Cambridge’s dating dating app app chats chats last last less less than than aa week week Churchill is is doing doing the the most most swiping swiping dents claiming to be on the ∙∙Churchill Tinder is is riddled riddled with with English English students students platform, followed by 31.6% ∙∙Tinder 1/5 of of you you are are using using dating dating apps apps to to find find “the “the one one”” on Bumble and 10% on Grin- ∙∙1/5 dr. English students appear to take up a large population of the dating app world, with 92% of respondents reporting usage, followed closely by Law students at 91%. Classicists, on the other hand, have the lowest representation at 40%. Et horror!

Churchill takes the crown for

78% of men and 70% of women answered that they use dating apps. As for the top three most popular apps of choice, it is unsurprising that Tinder was the most

the most swipable College: 91% of those who responded from the College reported using dating apps, followed

closely by both Clare and Continued P5 common, with 73.2% of stu- John’s at 87.5%. The lowest...

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: M A E T E H T 8 1 0 2 S A M L E A H C MI

E D IT O R S E H T M O R F E T O N A

Editors-in-Chief: Hollie Berman and Rachael Goldwater Deputy Editor: Edan Simpson Deputy Editor: Daisy Everingham Associate Editor and News Chief: Eleanor House Investigations Editor: George Nairac Opinion Editor: Dina Gitlin-Leigh Opinion Editor: Finnian Robinson Chief Opinion Writer: Sam Willis Features Editor: Annie Appen Features Editor: Abby Zucker Chief Features Writer: Caitlin Cashmore-Roche Music Editor: Hannah Dyball Theatre Editor: Ben Vince Theatre Editor: Iulia Teodorescu Sports Editor: Zoë Starbuck TabTV Editor: Gaia Reyes Food Columnist: Eileen Maguire Sex Columnist: Jodie Roy Weekly Columnist: Emily Christiansen Weekly Columnist: Daniel Mackinnon Chief Publicist: Georgia Humphrey Chief Publicist: Helena Robertson

Graphic Designer of Print Edition: Caroline Spelman

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Hello there, fresher dearest — you’ve made it! Well done on getting in. Though at this stage, you’ve probably been congratulated so many times you’re not sure your ego will ever deflate again. We’re about to add some extra helium to that: this very newspaper that you are holding was made specifically for you. That’s right, we only crawl out of our digital clickbait cave once a year to venture into print, solely for your entertainment and scrutiny. Call it a collector’s edition if you will. Please savour it, and know that it was made with love. And a dash or two of fear — so if you don’t mind, we’ll be running back with open arms to the warm embrace of the internet forevermore.

You’re not the only one who has decided to reinvent yourself this year. In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve revamped our logo to a snazzy, shiny and YELLOW new number. Isn’t it pretty? Thanks, we know. With great logo comes great responsibility, and our writers and editors rise to the challenge with their Hot Takes. From tips on how to snap the best matriculation photo ever, to why you should be covering your bedroom wall with foil in the name of interior design, we’ve got you covered. Our Big Love Survey is quite interesting if we do say ourselves, so check that out too.

We hope this paper is of use to you this week: maybe it’ll make you laugh at some point (at us or with us, we’re not fussy), maybe it’ll be used to swat a spider out of your new room. We’ll take either Speaking of this week, it’s probably time to bring that ego down to earth. There will be freshers’ flu. There will be awkward small talk. There will be lies (such as announcing to everyone that you absolutely LOVE the taste of VKs when you are actually just baffled by the hype surrounding them here — nothing too scandalous, this is Cambridge after all). So just breathe: take your Lemsip, tell yourself that taking a break is okay and put the bloody VKs down for a minute. You won’t be having The Time Of Your Life every second of the next seven days — and that is fine. If you find yourself feeling like a small fish in a big pond, here is your reminder that everyone else feels the same, they’re probably just better than you at hiding it. And also your confirmation that no matter how many vitamins you take, you will be snotting and coughing your way through the next three months. Sorry.

The silver (well, yellow) lining is that you will always have The Tab. We hold meetings at the Maypole every Friday at five, so do come along and say hi, sneeze with us and join the bev-filled, gossip saturated fun. Everyone is welcome, whether you’ve written five hundred articles for us or minus-five hundred. See you there.

Hollie and Rachael X

S U R O F E T I R W The Tab is the UK’s second most popular 18-24 publication after Buzzfeed, and above VICE, Cosmo and Vox. And it all started right here in 2009, thanks to three Downing students who felt like Cambridge’s student journalism was out-of-touch and in need of something new. Ten years on, we are Cambridge’s most-read student newspaper, and we remain committed to honest journalism and relatable reads.

Tab writers are witty, self-deprecating and know how to capture the student readership with our characteristically sharp, light and entertaining style. We write for Cambridge students, about Cambridge students. In the past, Cambridge Tab articles have been picked up by many national news outlets such as The Independent, BBC, The Times and The Daily Mail. Our writers are also frequently cross-posted to The Tab National, which attracts a worldwide readership of over 10 million.

At The Tab, we don’t take ourselves too seriously — and that’s why it works. The journalistic experience you will gain is unconventional, but invaluable — ex-Tabbers have gone onto the likes of JP Morgan and Vogue. We are a particularly fun and friendly bunch (promise), and we’re always keen to welcome new comrades into the cult. Our meetings are glorified weekly drinks at the pub — there’s no better way to meet The Best People Ever beyond your college walls tbh.

Have an idea for an article? Email us with your pitch at editor@cambridgetab.co.uk. If you’re looking for some inspiration or just want to suss out our vibe a little more, join our commitment-free Facebook group Tab Writers Michaelmas 2018 where you will find weekly commission lists from our section editors for writers to pick up.

TabTV We’re also on the hunt for some tech-savvy whizz kids and presenters to join The Tab’s online television channel. Content ranges from semi-serious news reporting to interviewing Cantabs stumbling out of Cindies at 2am. If you fancy having your camera skills (or your face) gazed upon in awe by thousands, drop us a message on the editor’s email.

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N E WS

SUMMER SUM UP

OF THE S W E N T S E T T O H E TH Whilst many of N O S A you lucky lot have been away sunning yourself, selling your soul at a corSE porate internship or making some sweet dollar dollar, Cambridge news has been ticking away. But don't worry, we have you covered.

2. The Kuda Rebrand These are the Top 5 News stories of the Cambridge Summer.

Rachael Goldwater

r s h ip T h e s to rm z y s c h o lo

3.

ro te s t P w o ll e F d e k a N s C a iu

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We are 'blinded by his grace [sic]'. Stormzy has pledged to fund two black students' tuition and maintenance fees for up to four years of study at University of Cambridge. Stormzy's commitment is for 2018 students, but this has been followed by Youtube Music who have further shown their support for this programme to be extended.

Get ready to channel your reinvented inner Mr Brightside.

Dr Victoria Bateman, an Economics Fellow at Gonville and Caius College took protesting to the next level this August. She filmed a video explaining that she had just attended a conference at the Office of National Statistics, titled "Feminism Meets Economics", wearing nothing but some £5 and £20 notes concealing her bits.

Cambridge has been rightly blasted for poor black student admission rates to the University, and with some colleges in particular having zero black students in the past five years. These awful statistics and reams of black students' testimony of BME issues in the university have finally gained some serious traction in the wider press and now by powerful and influential celebrities.

Stormzy telling Cambridge to 'Shut Up' is definitely the number 1 news story of the summer. your weekly budget.

T h e K u d a R e b ra n d

She argues that 'economists need to take feminism much more seriously', which is somewhat difficult when your supervisor is wearing

But Bateman does make an important point, and by referencing the issues surrounding sex-workers and birth control she connects the responsibility of the economy to the freedom of women's bodies.

Wearing a twenty-pound note is certainly a different route to burning it, so Hurrah for Cam!

2.

Do you believe in life after LIFE? Who knows.

But what we certainly do know is that there is life after Kuda; and it is 'Vinyl'. Kuda is rebranding and redecorating just in time for 2018 freshers week!

The £550,000 refurbishment saw Vinyl reopen for business on the 21st September.

With countless complaints about Cambridge nightlife, Vinyl has provided all the answers by installing an illuminated dance floor, and providing all sorts of glitter ball and inflatable shaped fun.

Even though the official name 'Kuda' never really replaced 'Life', the 2018 summer rebrand might be the cambridge club we always deserved.

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N E WS

Cam brid ge is the UK’s top univ ersi ty

AT E S U D A R G ’S E G ID R B CAM ABLE A R E M O R E E M P L OY T H A N O X F O R D ’S

For the sixth year running, by the way. So you’re in good hands.

We topped The Times and The Sunday Times Good University Guide for 2019 based on the Guide's criteria for research quality, entry standards, completion rate and the amount the university spends on facilities and services for its students.

This also means that we pipped Oxford to the post, who were ranked second (again) this year. Feel free to chant GDBO for as long you like.

Miraculously, when it came to assessing completion rate, we scored 98.6%, meaning very few of us are actually dropping out (despite probably threatening to do so after yet another weekly supo roasting). Go us.

Hollie Berman The University of Cambridge holds onto the title of the most employable university in the UK. Take that Oxford.

QS, the analysts behind the World University Rankings, have released the 2019 edition of the Graduate Employability Rankings. We may have dropped a place since 2018, but we are still 7th in the world — Oxford on the other hand, just makes the cut for the top ten.

The results are calculated based on graduate employer reputations, alumni outcomes (i.e. the universities that are producing world leaders in their field), partnerships with employers per faculty, employer-student connections on campus and graduate employment rate.

5.

G o a t @ F it z

Fitzwilliam College got a new a pet: a goat.

This is potentially the biggest goat related news story since the remix of T Swift's 'I knew you were trouble when you walked in’ featuring a yelping goat. Priceless.

His name is Leo, and he was adopted by the Tutorial and Admissions Office.

Even though he will reside at Buttercups Goat Sanctuary [aka heaven on earth], Leo is totes available for visits from students in his humble Kent abode. So forget puppy therapy and here comes some gruff therapy.

The methodology behind this attempts to overcome the argument that the relationship between university choice and career outcomes cannot be appropriately quantified.

In 2017, Cambridge was in the top 5 of the Graduate Employability Rankings, but entries from our competitors over the pond have demoted us to top 7 (which is definitely a thing). This is the first time MIT has nabbed the top spot.

If it's any consolation to Oxford, they're one spot ahead of us on the World University Rankings — can't have it all.

For now.

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THE RESULTS ARE IN: The Tab’s Big Love Survey Hollie Berman

M FRONT PAGE CONTINUED FRO

...College representation from those who answered the survey came from Peterhouse, Corpus and Queens’ at 50% — however this amount is still hugely significant and suggests the extent to which dating apps have permeated the student experience.

Those who reported not being on any dating apps on the other hand appear to be rather set in their ways; when asked if they would ...consider downloading a dating app at any point, over half answered ‘No’. When we asked our pool where they meet people if not on dating apps (we promise this question was for research purposes only), we were appropriately sassed: ‘just through living my life as normal’. Ouch. Perhaps we should give that one a go. Our burnt egos were soothed by the ice pack of another respondent’s simple but resonating answer of: ‘ :( ‘.

The next round of questions asked students who are on dating apps about how and why they use them. The most popular reason for being on the apps came down to boredom and entertainment, with 38% of respondents opting for this answer — many students admitted that they use the app in social situations, with one answer deeming usage as ‘a bit of a laugh to pass the time with friends’, whilst another treated the app more interactively, as a ‘competition on who can get the most matches with the most ridiculous profile — a good game for pres’. One app user appears to be treating Tinder as a bucket list, answering that they ‘want to shag someone from every College’. Truly admirable. uine hope of finding someone long term. 9.3% “I want to shag someone of respondents admitted to using dating apps ge” colle y from ever purely for casual sex, whilst 7% see swiping as a means for quick digital validation, and 5% as Over three quarters of respondents said a knee-jerk reaction following a breakup. One that if they see friends on dating apps, absolute legend told us they’re on a dating app they match with them as a joke, which is for ‘medical reasons’. Ha ha. nothing revolutionary. When it came to colliding with acquaintances or distant crushes however, almost half of our survey hamsters found that matching on dating apps granted them with an opportunity to finally (and perhaps less dauntingly) drop a flirty hint. In fact, a hopeful 23.7% confessed to using dating apps with the gen5

Just 17% of respondents — most of whom were male —­confidently answered that they send the first message when they receive a match, whereas 42% prefer to decide on an individual basis. When it came to calculating the lengths of their conversations, most respondents opted for a calendric calculation, with 37% answering

that their chats lasted for a few days, and no more than a week. 20% of respondents lamented over the sporadic, short lengths of their conversations, admitting that they rarely lasted longer than a few hours — a lonely 6% admitted to having no conversation, or no answers at all...*tumbleweed*.

Those who chose to quantify their answers appeared to have a message limit of around 5-10 before they stopped replying or moved onto another messaging platform to continue the conversation and potentially arrange a date.

One respondent was particularly specific and

if they saw them in Sainsbury’s, which dramatically fell to 17% when the surrounding was changed to Cindies. Liquid courage is still as strong as ever — 83% of respondents answered that they would greet their matches in the smoking area.

It does also seem that there is Have you ev er been on a date with an unspoken social etiquette one you me somet through a dating app? in place when it comes to how and when it is acceptable to approach digital faces in the flesh. There’s no hiding, and absolutely no allure in the bright lights and slippery floors of the dairy aisle. Makes Cindies look like something out of Notting Hill

their romantic relationships at university, many admitted that it is now easier to connect with more people. A handful of students confessed that they now find it easier to stalk their matches or potential suitors online before pursuing anything.

One respondent believes that apps have ‘given me quantity, but not necessarily quality’, with the silver lining of ‘sex. Lots of sex’. Efficiency seems to be the top gain for many: ‘I’m actually getting some dick’, one student told us, whilst another finds the Internet has made it easier for these connections to be formed and organised, ‘because everyone is way too busy in this hell hole’. Swings and roundabouts it seems.

Almost seven out of ten of respondents reported that they had been on a date with someone they had met through a dating app, with 60% revealing that they keep in touch with matches or dates in some form and several students admitting that long-

We would also like to add that, as an editorial team formed entirely of Arts students, calculators are rather terrifying objects to us. Statistics and numbers only feature in our lives when we are looking at the percentages on the back of the cheapest bottle of wine we can find. This survey was conducted on a self-selecting Google form, which is as accurate as you would expect.

So Mathmos: please don’t bite too hard. If you have any questions about the survey, please contact editor@cambridgetab. co.uk.

tting “I’m actually ge some dick”

DATING APP BIOS: What you REALLY think of them Subject use

of dating ap

60% of respondents would immediately dodge a match if they saw them in Sainsbur y’s

strict about this, adhering to their own ‘12 message rule: you have to ask them out or ask to meet in person within the first twelve messages. Otherwise it just [turns] into an online chat’.

How do Cantabs cope when life imitates the dating app? 60% of respondents admitted that they would immediately dodge a match

ps

term relationships have formed as a result.

The ease of romantic connections powered by the Internet appears to have left us in some sort of awkward limbo however. Over half of our respondents confessed to telling someone how they feel about them online (for instance through messaging platforms or even Crushbridge) — and yet over 80% of those who answered would rather be asked out in person.

Breaking news: Cambridge students are awkward and don’t know what they want. When asked how they feel the Internet has altered

“Cringe.”

“Marketing people could learn a lot from them. Probably.”

“THE WORST.” “A necessity. Even if they are super attractive they’ve still got to show they have chat before you swipe right.”

“Can’t crack them.”

“V important and often done badly.”

“I don’t ever swipe people with no bio, because it’s a cop out.”

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I PIN

ON

E V A H S P P A G N I T A D E V O L D E Y DESTRO

, what’s r e n r u T uc h. of Tina m s y r d r e v o t w it? No In the h t i w o d to love got

Rachael Goldwater

Cambridge is an intentionally pressured and stressful environment — this hardly bodes well for healthy romantic interaction. Apps are supposed to make our lives easier: just a few taps can order you a taxi, direct you to your supervisions or download your favourite playlist.

But I wonder if the attempt to transfer this digital ease onto our love and sex lives really makes them more straightforward. Our modern lives are mechanised to an enormous degree, and romance is just another feature of it.

Recent research by the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) found that high numbers of 16 to 18-year-olds prefer digital sexting over actual dates and sexual activity, landing themselves the title of ‘Generation Sensible’: they are less likely to go out for underage drinking or smoking, prefer to stay indoors and are ‘losing their virginity’ a lot later than the previous generation. As they transition to university, it seems obvious that this will impact the way they view their increasingly automated love lives. This ‘digital flirting’ is being increasingly considered a normal part of social interaction, but this surely cannot override the crucial lessons of non-verbal cues and body language.

Even if we rule out finding love on these dating apps and lower the expectations to merely lust, these apps still fall short. It is nearly impossible to compare the instant connections on these sites to the real connections you get when you’re face to face: obvious chemistry, eye contact and body language are still as important as ever. By attempting to simplify dating, we risk turning it into a convenience service. Can we really equate a person’s charisma to their opening line or a Tinder bio? Can their attractiveness be simplified into 4 aesthetic selfies? The chemistry of meeting someone and having an immediate *click* is not the same as a ‘match’.

I’m not necessarily even suggesting us reversing back to gushy romance: romance is a fairly new concept. It’s from movies and CAPITALISM. I just think we need to be equal and kind human beings, having more chats face to face. That’s all really. Historically, marriages were arranged by our parents, and were usually out of conven-

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ience or financial gain. Partners were chosen for us. But in this new 21st century world, we have an overload of information — this applies to love too. I’m not making a case for arranged marriage, but I do think this abundance of choice is saturating our ability to make normal romantic connections.

Dating apps have given us the ‘paradox of choice’. We have so many options that we keep swiping and swiping; we are fickle and indecisive and can’t settle on a person or relationship.

By falling into this pattern, we are starting to believe that the grass is always greener. That even though this guy has a bathroom selfie of his 6-pack, that there is also someone in a 1 mile radius with a 12 pack.

And what is it doing to our self-esteem? Constantly swiping right and never receiving a match, sending a message on a whim that goes unanswered or having a great chat only to suddenly get ‘ghosted’ is all real harsh rejection, even though it is on an app. And this rejection will be happening at a much more frequent rate than being occasionally rebuffed when asking for someone’s a number at a bar.

It’s easier and increasingly normal to be hassled for nudes, to be using the internet to make looking for “the one” more efficient, or to just be left on read. We’re allowing ourselves to believe others are disposable cyber personalities, and not real humans behind a screen. More dangerously, however, we are becoming more and more comfortable with this mode of dehumanisation.

Clearly dating apps aren’t even fulfilling their purpose of efficient hookups: love just can’t be downloaded.

M COLU

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O T N O I T C U D O R T N I T R O A VERY SH ’s time to it w o n , in t o g u Yo E G D I R B M A g e t d ow n .

C T A X SE

Jodie Roy So, you’ve made it. You got the offer, you got the results, you’ve just met a bunch of new uni pals and now there’s only one thing left to do.

Each other. Or have a lovely platonic bonding experience — the choice is yours.

Whilst it isn’t mandatory to wear your gown during foreplay, there are a couple of extra surprises you may not expect from any other university. But do not fear, dear freshers, for below is the absolutely-not-in-any-way-comprehensive-I’m-not-responsible-if-you-get-pregnant reading list you’ll need for an education in fornication here in the bubble.

Cambridge Accommodation has a vendetta against getting you laid.

From single beds to paper thin walls, the ancient buildings which we’re so blessed to call home seem to have been designed with a single purpose in mind - making sex as inconvenient as possible. Single beds can be avoided if you choose partners tactically - a Downing graft can be a fantastic long term investment if you value your 8 hours. As for us mere mortals stuck with single beds, my only advice is adapt to survive. Or learn to kick people out once the sex is over (brutal). Thin walls may not be an issue everywhere, and if not, feel free to scream and shout and let it all out during the deed. However, most aren’t so lucky and being aware that your neighbour can hear you fuck and cry (hopefully not at once) isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. Don’t worry, by week three, your personal boundaries will be lowered and overhearing your mate’s shag will become a great team bonding exercise. Genuinely. This is how I made one of my best friends.

These college walls have ears and can hear you bang. And will talk about it.

Cambridge is not immune to all the charms of a small town - specifically the charm that means everyone knows everyone else’s business. The collegiate system only strengthens this so get ready for some… tight knit communities. This also means constantly bumping into people you know, from crushes to one night stands. Midway through your Sainsbury’s shop, on nights out, during a tinder date - nowhere is safe.

Be prepared to hike for your sexual health.

By now you may have heard jokes about Girton’s unfortunate distance - but if a far-out college is a joke then a faraway clinic is flat out injustice. You’ll need to crack out the walking boots to head over to Limetree. If anything can deter you from not using condoms, the thought of walking all that way for an STI test should do the trick. (Still get tested every 6 months though - even if it means forking out on an uber). Some GPs may take pity and let you do the test there to save the hike. Not all heroes wear capes.

Let’s be honest, everyone at this university is slightly terrified of the real world and feels like they’re stumbling through life - sex included. Cambridge is home to all sorts of people with different backgrounds and experiences. It honestly does not matter if you’ve never kissed someone before (and have no intentions of doing so) or are a fully qualified, licensed dominatrix. Do you, do who you want to, be respectful and be communicative. Listen to the advice given during freshers week - ESPECIALLY the consent workshops. Oh, and use condoms. They’re often free from your JCR, and no one wants a herpes outbreak during freshers’.

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RE FEATU

Annie Appen

L A I C F F O N U N W YO U R V E RY O E G D I R B M A C OFFICIAL .

Y R A N O I T C I D

S

YOU’RE WELCOME

After undergoing all the trials of unpacking, navigating college, humoring your flatmate’s dad with feigned small talk and ushering your parents firmly out of college following the obligatory family photo, they potter off. All that’s left is a big new world and what seems like an entire new foreign language to learn.

Lucky for you, we’re here to help. I present The Tab’s unofficial official translation of Cambridge.

PLODGE You’ve probably got this one sussed, this refers to the Porters’ Lodge of your college where, naturally, the Porters hang out. It’s best to stay on their good side: they have memories beyond belief. They will remember you as the girl who stumbled in at 6:45am in shameful disarray, and with a glint in their eye as they hand over your fifth ASOS order of the term the day after with a cajoling, ‘tired?’.

MATRICULATION

to dress up and get together with friends in a slightly fancier setting than your sauce encrusted table in your gyp.

Top tip: get friends you make at other colleges to invite you to their formals. E.g. Pembroke and Johns typically have delicious food in a beaut setting. It’s really good fun — albeit quite expensive if done often.

Your fancy, official ‘welcome to Cambridge’ ceremony that everyone dreams of. You get to dress up in formal wear wearing your gown LIFE for the first time and have a 4 course meal in hall. Just try not to get smashed in front 1/4 of the clubs in Cambridge — recently reof your DoS, who, conveniently will be sitting done and re-christened ‘Vinyl’ (RIP Kuda). This next to you.

Friday/Sunday night haunt has been granted the affectionate nickname ‘Life’ for whatever FORMALS reason (no one really knows how/why). Here The special part of the Oxbridge experience you will probably drink more VKs than you ever that everyone gets hyped over. ‘Formals’ are cared to, and dance to songs reminiscent of a 3 course (subsidised) dinner in your colyour pre-teen years of Now 25 hits. The groups lege’s hall, where you wear your gown and dancing next to you will range from the guys typically dress smart (dresses and heels for donning suits mooching around in the sticky girls, suit and tie for boys) — though membooths, to those dressed as pirates creating a bers of some colleges, whose identities shall mosh-pit during the chorus of Stacey’s Mum. remain disclosed, have been known to turn It is a rite of passage to queue for longer than up to formals in their pj’s or Stan Smith’s the actual experience is worth. My advice? Pre beneath their gowns... Nonetheless, it is fun hard my friends.

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GYP G-what? Your gyp is the name for the hole in the wall which will be your kitchen. Expect the bare minimum and subtract 10. You’ll get a microwave and kettle, potentially a hot plate that will much more effectively store plates on than boil your water for pasta. However, at several colleges the kitchens are actually large, not grimy and have cool stuff like ovens! Not kidding!

SUPO That part of the Cambridge experience which you were bullshitting about looking forward to the most in your interview. Supo = supervision.

You’ll usually have 1-2 a week, though sometimes double or triple that, depending on the subject. You discuss your weekly essay/work in it with a few other people on your course, and share the roast from your supervisor collectively amongst the three of you. It’s not all bad...

BEDDER This isn’t some archaic way of expressing who

your mate shagged last night; its the lovely lady who will clean your room. Like the porters, it’s best if you keep them happy. You will rightfully incur their eternal wrath if they turn up at your room at 9am on a Friday and they find your room trashed by the remnants of the night before. Expect an angsty note when you return if this happens.

SWAP AKA play drinking games with strangers from another college eating stale naan bread in a stingy basement of an unlicensed Chinese takeaway joint whilst you listen to Johnny from Christ’s tell you about how fun the girls from Newnham were last week. It’s effectively forced ‘meet new people’. When your mates back home told you Cambridge students can’t socialise you probably thought they were wrong.

PRELIMS Those bastards whose first year effectively means nothing. That includes the Englings, Historians and a few Classicists. You’ll spot them easily in exam term practically skipping around college from week two with an air of superiority, writing their essays sprawled carelessly on the lawn, scheduling impromtu visits home, fervently claiming throughout first year that this year “doesn’t count”... they literally don’t care.

BOP You’ll have your first ever one in Freshers week. What is it exactly? Think back to your Year 8 school disco: boys on one side, girls on the other — everyone wasted on squash and vodka (squadka) which you’ve managed to sneak in past the teachers — and you’re not too far off a college bop. Cheesy tunes, £1 shots and an ever original theme brainstormed by the JCR Ents reps which will require you to scour the poor selection of Cambridge charity shops and your friend’s wardrobes to find a vaguely on-theme costume.

MAY WEEK

Undisputedly the best week of the 24 you will spend at Cambridge in your first year. Full of lots of balls and garden parties: in short, it’s a big fancy piss up to celebrate the completion of your year. However, don’t be alarmed at the lack of PR/hype in the lead up to May — very counter intuitively, May Week actually takes place in early June.

DANGER ‘SPOONS The Cantab’s solution to the usual lack of Saturday nights out in town is to flock to the local Wetherspoons. The ground floor transforms into a dance-floor where Cantabs and townies alike convene for a night of rowdy, 2-for-12 quid pitcher fuelled fun.

O VAN OF LIFE/VAN DEATH

F

Speaking of nightlife, these two staple drunk food joints will inevitably find their way onto your route home. People tend to flock to the Van of Life on market square, opposite the passageway leading to Maccie’s for all the your drunk food necessities, whilst the Van of Death looms on the opposite side, considerably less attended.

VARSIT Y You will hear alot about ‘Varsity’ in first term. In this context, it refers to the annual, infamous Oxbridge Ski Trip. Tremendous fun and would 10/10 recommend doing in first year whether you’ve hit the slopes every Winter since you were 5 or if you’ve never even thought about trying skiing before. Been named ‘the best week of my life’ by several attendees last year...

Varsity can also refer to the annual sports tournaments where we go head to head with Oxf*rd. You will see lots of Varsity related profile pic updates peppered with blues puns in Easter term.

Now with this valuable knowledge, go forth and conquer Freshers and above all have a great freshers week (or should we say 4 days...)!

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HOW TO BEAUTIFY YOUR FRESHERS’ ROOM

O T E D I U G S ’ B A T E H T N G I S E D INTERIOR Undoubtedly, one of the biggest stresses for freshers moving to uni is how to decorate your room! You’ve just spent up to 18 (even more for mature/gap yah students) long years decorating your room in a way you feel is truly representative of you, only to be torn away from it and cast into a sterile sleep-box, devoid of all personality from which you hurriedly need to make pretty so as to avoid feeling like you’ve checked into Alcatraz. Luckily for you, the Tab has some top tips for how you can make your prison cell (or plain room) into the grooviest place in your college.

1) Leave most of your home posters and other accoutrements at HOME Tempting as it might be, it’s probably not the best idea to take the accumulated artefacts and detritus of your painful adolescence to university. A few cool things you might’ve picked up over the years like a scratch-off-country-map-of-the-world or photos with friends/ family are a good idea. But band posters or shitty little souvenir Eiffel Towers you bought for a euro aren’t going to be the most aesthetic adornments for your new crib.

EDAN SIMPSON

a bit tired. The solution? Cover that bad boy with foil! Not only will this give your crib a cleaner look for you to build on, it’ll also give your room a funky space age feel!

3) Get Cambridge related stuff and Cantabridgify your room!

Ok this might sound horrendous at first, but I’m not talking about having a framed matriculation portrait on your wall, I’m talking about first year souvenirs which will make your room an object of interest for all lucky visitors. A good way of doing this is using your pin board to stick things like events you were involved on it. Things such as show tickets, May Ball posters, sporty things or even props you stole from club nights are quite good starters (as would be the print edition of The Tab!) just to give your room a bit of flavour.

4) Sneaky Graffiti

This is a bit of a cheeky one, but one thing you really OUGHT to do is find a way of making your mark on your room. One of the best ways of doing this is writing elusive messages on your pinboard UNDERNEATH the foil so that freshers in years to come will be able to see you once had their room P.S. THIS INCLUDES BOOKS FROM HOME YOU THINK WILL MAKE YOU — whilst also hiding that shit from the porters.

LOOK INTELLECTUAL-DON’T DO IT 2) Foil your pin board

5) Make it representative of you

This is probably the most hippy dippy part of this article, but also the Most rooms in Cambridge come ready equipped with a big pin board most important. Whilst I might have just given some zesty advice on how for you to stick whatever you want on, however, years of graffiti, stabto decorate a room, your gut is ultimately the best point of reference for bing and just general abuse can make some of these corky walls look personalising your room. So if you think these suggestions are shit that’s absolutely fair. You do you xoxox 11

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G N I R E T S A M N O I T A L U C I M AT R

ABBY ZUCKER

KING THE A M O T E ID U EP G A STEP BY ST OCCASION Location, Location, Location! It must be M O ST O F T H E clear that this is no ordinary university – you go to Cambridge, and even if you live in a shared set with a broken tap and aren’t allowed to use a frying pan, you must make it appear that you live in a suite on top of King’s Chapel.

Freshers' week is a hectic time, and full of various rites of passage; you’ll marvel over the tropical humidity levels that the second floor of Lola’s manages to accumulate in the depths of winter, forget the name of the person you just spoke to for an hour and try your best not to throw up on your shoes in your first meeting with your DoS (is this one not universal??).

However, the most important part of all is matriculation – a tradition dating back hundreds of years, unique-ish to Cambridge and an experience you will only get once; to wear your gown for the first time, and sign your name/soul away to your college. Or, depending on your priorities, a chance to get a banging profile picture.

Last but not least, the final hurdle and the trickiest part of all – crafting the perfect caption. Just in case any of your Instagram followers were still unaware of your UCAS firm choice, this is the time to show off your wit. Definitely include a pun on the word matriculation that will confuse your Bristol pals.

When they ask; smugly leave them in the dark. The most important part is you cannot forget to tag to the location.

Perhaps even your room number so they can find you more clearly on google maps, should your mum’s status, changing your education on Facebook and vlog of you moving into your fairylit box room have not proved enough to ensure that every single one of your Facebook friends knew where you were going to university.

Forget the dinner and the signing – the Master doesn’t care what extracurriculars you’re planning on giving up after two weeks, and you’ll be far too hungover to make any coherent conversation with the fellow you’re sat opposite over guinea fowl. The real task is the profile picture.

Now’s YOUR chance to prove that your freshers’ week was just as crazy as your mates at Bristol. Hell yeah Cambridge is cool – here’s you in a bat wing gown and awkwardly clunky court shoes your mum made you buy in front of a really REALLY old chapel!

Now, how to achieve the perfect shot. There are several things to consider here: this isn’t just vanity, but a prime bonding opportunity. Nothing screams vulnerability like asking someone you’ve barely met – ‘sorry can you just take another one? A bit higher? With my hair behind my ear or not?’

You can also take this opportunity to scout

This should stand you in good stead for the weeks to come. Your captivated home following as well as all the people out who is worth keeping around by completing the following mental questionnaire - how much patience do they have for your jawline-improving poses? How low will they crouch to take the perfect shot? How honest will they be when you ask how you look in that last photo? These are important things to consider for both your social media presence and future friendships, and a friend who will patiently, diligently and honestly help you curate the former helps kill two birds with one stone. It's just a matter of efficiency really.

you meet in lectures, Cindies and outside Van of Life who later find you on Facebook will be spellbound by how quickly you've settled in and probably will like you more as a result. So, finally, sit back, relax and enjoy the steady stream of wow reacts or a rapidly falling number of Facebook friends.

Maybe both.

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M E L B O R P O N S B O H NO

Eileen Maguire University is a learning curve for us all, but nothing will teach you how to adapt and overcome like a Cambridge gyp room and its limited facilities. The majority of Cambridge colleges favour a ‘streamlined gyp’ in their freshers’ accommodation, testing freshers’ ability to feed themselves with nothing but a toaster, kettle and microwave. Going to hall is one of the best parts about living in college, but for those moments when you can’t make it, it’s always good to have a few simple alternatives.

The Tab is here to help with some ideas to start you off on your microwave journey. (Keep your expectations low and your open-mindedness high).

Pasta A basic that should be mastered within the first week of arriving at university: Fill a jug or bowl with enough water to cover the pasta and place it on another plate to catch any overflow. Microwave it on high for about 5-10 minutes if using boiling water from the kettle, or 15 minutes for tap water. Keep an eye on it because it can boil over, and if it starts to bubble take it out and stir. Make sure the water doesn’t all dry up or you’ll end up with an appetising solid brick of pasta.

Scrambled Eggs Delia would probably have a heart attack, but you can scramble eggs in the microwave for a really easy meal. Crack eggs into a bowl and add salt, pepper and a splash of milk before beating them. Then microwave in 20 second increments, beating the eggs at each interval to stop it becoming a bowl shaped egg soufflé. Serve on toast.

‘Baked’ Sweet Potato For a pretty healthy meal, you can cook a sweet potato in a microwave by piercing it in several places with a fork, then wetting a piece of kitchen roll and wrapping it around the sweet potato so that it steams in the moisture. Microwave it for around 4 minutes then turn it over and repeat, although timing varies depending on the size of the sweet potato.

You can then cut it open and serve with your preferred toppings; baked beans, cheese, hummus, avocado etc.

Nachos Brought to you from my staircase’s resident expert in microwave cooking, microwave nachos are a revelation. Layer tortilla chips on a plate, followed by salsa and cheese, then repeat with another layer and mi-

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crowave for 2 minutes. For special occasions, spice it up with jalapeños, sour cream or guacamole. Thank Richard later.

Falafel Pita The most strenuous part of this meal is the trip to Sainsbury’s to buy falafels, pita bread, hummus, and, if you’re feeling fancy, salad. Then all that’s left to do is toast your pitta bread and microwave the falafel for 30 seconds to warm them up and assemble your pittas.

Soup/Ready Meals The most complicated of them all; microwave meals. Friends swear by a Sainsbury’s chicken tikka masala ready meal, and you can’t go wrong with microwave soup and toast.

Go forth Freshers, and conquer your tiny gyp rooms…

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H T U R T E H T G N I G ED R E I G D E K O TO LO

N O I IN

WE’VE ALL DONE IT, IS IT HELPFUL? Daisy Everingham

A new year, a fresh start. More people to meet and more people to impress. Whether you’re at Cambridge for the first time or are returning after a long summer we all care about what people think of us and how we’re viewed.

There’s a temptation when you’re sitting in a cramped room, desperately clinging onto a warm beer, to embroider stories about your summer or life back home. You wish you didn’t want to do it but it comes all too naturally. We live in a world where we constantly have to think about how we present ourselves. Social media means we can have a depiction of us online that shows us at our funnest and our fittest and one that is well...edging the truth. So much so that it’s become a cliche to compare the image of ourselves online to our ‘real self.’

We’re all constantly endorsing this culture, just by posting a carefully selected insta post. But when you do it in real life, in actual face to face conversation, it feels odder and less natural. Even if it just slips out, it suddenly feels like a deception — whereas online, it wouldn’t even cause you to bat an eyelid.

If I ever do it I feel guilty, but is that really necessary? How much harm am I actually causing?

It seems that if the lies, or half truths, that spill out of your mouth are fairly benign and make you feel a bit calmer it can be helpful. If you think about it you can view it like social media. In freshers’ week, or when meeting new people, you can at first present a cooler or generally better version of yourself. It could make you feel more comfortable about making friends or perhaps even give you the opportunity to make conversation. An example I always give of this is in freshers’ week I pretended I was a social smoker to try and get in with two

people I wanted to be friends with. (Sorry mum). It worked a treat, even more so when a week in we all ended up confessing that none of us were actually smokers at all and had just done it because we thought the other two were. Great hilarity ensued and they’re still two of my closest friends at university. So it could be harmless, even helpful. But it is perhaps not the best way to go about things.

The thing is, when the half truth is small enough that in time it will get forgotten or explained away, it’s fine. Or perhaps you end up living that reality, but this is an uncomfortable one. If it’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared, then go ahead! Live that new reality that was originally based on a half truth. But in the case of most lies, living them out isn’t the greatest path forward. As much as fresher me may have wanted to, she was never going to enjoy the taste of cigarettes, and if that lie had be played out it would have ended in a fairly sub-par habit.

And this is the point where this article sounds a bit like something out of Cosmo. Lying to be cool can be a bit helpful but in doubt it’s almost always better to just...not. Edging the truth to look edgier is ultimately not going to make you feel a lot better if it becomes the norm. If those around you know more lies about you than they know the truth it’s mainly going to be irritating for you to keep up. And when the truth is ultimately revealed it’s not going to make you look that good. It can be a fine line between small half-truths that will go away and larger ones that will not be helpful.

This article isn’t meant to be any sort of warning or scare. Twisting the truth slightly is always going to be a part of socialising, especially when you’re in an alien environment with new people. But it’s just interesting to consider how far you take that, especially when you think about the difference between social media and “irl”.

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QU IZ: WH ICH CA MB RID GE NIG HT OU T AR E YO U?

Eleanor House TO TAPLE NIGH S R U O Y ’S T 1 . WHA

U T ST Y L E ?

A) Anything from Missguided's 'Jeans and a

2. WHERE D

y Nice Top' range (honestly, the

A) The JCR or college bar B) My mate’s room

are lifesavers

t proudly bears stains from An oversized band T-shir t tha e of glory out as battle scars - evidenc

B)

C)

sweat, shame, and Vintage threads infused with

previous nights

D) E)

n’t

E) On the journey

ly outfit I can find - some ca

inted Elton John glasses

ll it

E S THE BANGER OF TH AY W AL IS NG SO T HA 4. W NIGHT? A) Mr Brightside (The Killers)

B) Man’s Not Hot (Big Shaq)

U BUY IS...?

3. THE FIRST DRINK YO ie A) 3 blue VKs to drink as I boog

B) 5 jägerbombs to down at th

outside)

up) unidentifiable chemi- pass that

gaudy, I call it fabulous A Hawaiian shirt and rose-t

C) An alleyway (we can’t get portered

D) Spoons (2 for £12 pitchers babe, ca

cals nt, and spark The most colourful, iridesce

O YOU PRE?

C) The entire night is one big

e bar

‘banger’

with a mysteriously d le fil le tt bo er at w tic C) I don’t — a plas nce smuggled in will do dark, alcoholic substa

D) Anything Gaga. Everything Gaga.

eet, or a G&T when I’m E) Boogie Wonderland (Earth, sw g in el fe I’m n he w il D) A fruity cockta Wind & Fire) feeling salty

E) Vodka and coke, of course

AS...?

5. YOUR DANCING CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED

OU 6. YOUR POST-NIGHT-

T RITUAL IS...?

A) A kid at a year 8 school disco with a dashA) Ordering Van of Life cheesy chips to be wholly consumed of sex appeal (lots of jumping, the occasionalbefore returning to college booty shake) B) I always have to piss in the street after leaving a club

B) Rhythmic bobbing (with a raised arm if I’m really getting into it)

C)Trippy stumbling D) Flawless E) Funky fresh 15

C) Pop two paracetamol and roll straight into my morning lectures

D) Cheeky kebab and a glass of water E) Wipe my face, brush my teeth, and go to sleep (not to be woken until at least 3pm)

S T L U S E R

IF YOU ANSWERED...

MOSTLY

A’s

WEDNESDAY CINDIES.As a standard Cambridge clubber, you’re a bit basic. You can always be found in a lacy bodysuit and ripped jeans. You get excited whenever the DJ plays ‘00s throwbacks or Disney (but you love anything on the charts) and you can’t get enough of a light up dancefloor. Wednesday Cindies or pretty much any other regular club night in Cambridge - is for you.

TUESDAY FEZ. You think the Cambridge nightlife is too vanilla and mainstream (although you secretly love songs from the Top 40). If a club advertises itself as 'grime', 'trap', or 'alternative', you're sold. You prefer an authentic dingy scene, with people trying to sell you things in the loos - somewhere with a sense of danger but with the security of being in central Cambridge. Fez is your place.

MOSTLY

B’s

MOSTLY

TURF ALL-NIGHTER. Never out of wavy garms or vintage leisurewear, you fully commit to a night out. It's all about the DJs, the beat, and the *vibezzzz*. With a laissez-faire attitude to substances and the stamina to last all night, you are a wild card.

Go to a Turf all-nighter and make the most of that 6AM licensing agreement.

GLITTERBOMB. You can't get enough of glitter bodypaint. You scream whenever you hear Madonna. You are armed with a full repertoire of dance moves 24/7. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or yet to make up your mind, Glitterbomb is the event to be extra. Frequented by stars from Ru Paul's Drag Race and absolute icons like Gemma Collins, it is a place for love, acceptance, and sheer sass.

C’s

MOSTLY

MOSTLY

E’s

D’s

GRANDMA GROOVE. A little rogue but always up for a laugh, you love to dress up as a granny and get binned. You're an old soul who can only get down to some classic funk. Make sure to buy your ticket in advance because they are like gold dust - Grandma Groove is your place.

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IC

E G D I R B M A C IT’S NOT A . . .

T U O H T I W PRES

This will not have gone unnoticed – there are a group of songs and artists which are played so regularly by students in Cambridge that you begin to wonder whether any others even exist. Why? Because they are almost guaranteed not to attract criticism, and this, more than anything is the main objective of whoever has chosen to be on music for the night.

Childish Gambino – Redbone We kick off with a song that seems to kick off half the pres in Cambridge. No-one really knows the words despite it being played week in, week out, so no attempts are even made to sing along. There is a guaranteed appreciation of this song – those who criticise it will be castigated for not having taste and will be directed towards the guitar solo from 3.50 onwards as evidence of its brilliance.

Frank Ocean – Nights This is a very chilled song, arguably too chilled, and involves quite a disorientating change in tone halfway through; but anyone who complains about this not being a ‘pres song’ will be rebuffed by the fact that it is Frank Ocean, who transcends all rules, and therefore can be played in any situation, apparently.

Loyle Carner – Ain’t Nothing changed Undeniably a song that, when the first note of the saxophone plays, will provoke a reaction of delight from all Loyle fans, while those who don’t know it will be too taken aback by this reaction to contest it. This will fill whoever is on the music with exactly the pride and self-congratulation they had hoped for when choosing it.

Kanye West – Ultralight beam Of all Kanye’s collection of ready-made tunes for pres, what is chosen is one of his most slow-paced and introspective songs - probably because the person in charge of the aux wants to show off that they part of a rare breed that know all the words. However, to question this choice meets with accusations of being too mainstream and not appreciating its artistry. The song centres around Kanye’s discussion of his relationship and faith in god, clearly an issue which is 17

Alex Spencer

deemed worthy of those getting drunk before a night out.

Amy Winehouse/Mark Ronson - Valerie Placed in any scenario, Winehouse’s voice seems universally appreciated and so this song is an incredibly safe bet for anyone in control of the music. It is further strengthened by Ronson’s production, meaning that rarely have her smooth vocals and the uplifting tempo met with any criticism from drunk students. As a result, it is almost impossible to go one week without hearing this song and easy to forget that she released two full-length albums rather than just this and ‘Back to Black’.

Chance the Rapper – All Night (feat. Knox Fortune) There is quite a breathless nature to this song, which gives little to time to reflect on what are fairly meaningless lyrics, but what is discernible is that “I’ve been drinking all night”, and this is popular among a boozy audience. This is an exciting song on first listen, but begins to become quite grating and painfully repetitive when it is so frequently played.

Rex Orange County – Never Enough This could apply to any Rex Orange County song, but there is something about his smooth yet quite unpolished voice which makes it an acceptable pres song, and will, without fail, result in someone asking the person on music who this singer is. ‘Oh it’s Rex Orange County’, they will reply, looking as smug as they undoubtedly feel.

Kendrick Lamar – LOVE. (feat. ZACARI.) Played by someone who ‘likes Kendrick but not his mainstream hits’, not realising that this is not nearly as edgy as they think. For a song which cries ‘Love me!’ over twenty times, there is no clearer reflection of what the person in charge of tunes is after by playing this, and indeed all the above-mentioned songs.

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S D R A W D E M T A R Y U L O N Y T N A I’M O W T ’ N O D I HUN D PROUD AN ED Y OL PO T I P

How historically illiterate, thanks patriarchy!

Grace Rooney

Being pooled to Murray Edwards may have been a shock to me, but the biggest shock was the reactions I get when I tell people I’m at a college over on the dreaded dark side of town. Full entirely of women. The horror.

This might be more of an extended Grudgebridge, but I want to try and dispel some of the misconceptions about being at Medwards. The “all girls thing” is great, thanks for ALWAYS asking.

“Where even is Medwards?”

Funny enough we do still have a CB postcode.

It is still possible to access education beyond Magdalene bridge.

“Awww, I’m sorry” Don’t worry, no need to apologise, we’re all at the same University studying the same degrees, I just have to walk a bit further up the hill to get back from Gardies.

“I’m guessing you were pooled” Yes, I was, but you may be horrified to find that some of us actually applied directly to Medwards!

I understand the confusion though, it’s hard to believe that anyone would voluntarily insert themselves into a place that is actually this nice.

“Awww, pooled kids gang!” “Drink if you were pooled!”

Yep, no problem, are you wealthy Johns boys going to pay for those drinks?

“I personally wouldn’t have come to Cambridge if my offer was from an all girls college, aren’t you deprived of dick?”

(Yes, someone genuinely said that). Funny enough, I didn’t actually go through two years of A levels for three years of back-to-back endless sex, but you do you.

“I would’ve turned down an offer from an all boys college”

“So, are you like, big into the feminism thing?”

Didn’t you know? When you sign up to be a feminist it is a requirement that you must be surrounded by other women for 50% of your time to qualify.

“Did that put you off from accepting your offer?”

I am ashamed to say that for me, at first it did. But I can now say that I don’t think I’d have been able to handle the intensity of Cambridge if I wasn’t at Medwards, surrounded by such positive people. Obviously not everyone is lucky enough to have the same experience here that I’ve had, but it sure would be helpful if other people weren’t so disapproving (or at least kept it to themselves).

We weren’t all pooled, we don’t all salivate at the sight of a man walking the halls, and Medwards is actually a pretty cool place to be. So please, stop feeling sorry for me, the grass is only greener because you’re not allowed to walk on it. Except here, we can.

P.S. thanks to my fellow “bra-burning feminists” for the input.

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D N A S L A I THE TR F O S N O I T TRIBULA S R E H S E R F 2 017 ’ S

ES

Alex Denny

We spoke to several of last year’s freshers to find out some of their best stories from freshers’ week, and they’ve given us a real mix of experiences. Call it a veritable feast of in-sesh-tigative journalism…

Alice - St Catharine’s “After helping a friend ‘recycle’ a bottle of rum and splitting some tequila shots with a generous friend, I went to a subject social that wasn’t for my subject to take part in drinking games. Fast forward a couple of hours and I found myself in A&E. I’d been thrown out of ‘Spoons, and tripped and concussed myself after trying to run back to college. This was on day three.”

had a great time getting to know everyone. And by that I mean getting off with two guys and two girls, one of the guys being my supo partner for every supervision throughout the year. We quickly agreed that was something we shouldn’t repeat…”

Flora - Clare “Nobody has any experience of stand-up, Polish or water polo so first term is the best time to start. Everyone is a massive nerd - don’t worry about trying to be cool!”

Liam - Gonville & Caius “Sign up to try everything and anything in freshers’, but don’t feel like you need to make it your best week in Cambridge. It’s totally fine to come out of your shell when the time’s right.”

Steph - Girton “I got so drunk on a pub crawl that I missed my matriculation photo the next day. And maybe also because I went to Girton external accommodation at 2am on the promise of a jam doughnut and a can of Dark Fruits... “

lenge’s Bobby Seagull during freshers’ week at Emma was to (drunkenly) ask for a selfie. After the deed was done, I proceeded to turn straight into the sandstone column behind me.”

Cecily - King’s “What we expect of freshers’ week is de-

Ross - Gonville & Caius “My first night in Cambridge was the first time I ever went out. I arrived at Cindies and headed straight for the loo. The combination of urine and vomit was a perfect omen for how the year would go.”

Charlotte - St John’s “Don’t get with your college parents only to get a new family and get with them as well. You’ll accidentally keep calling them daddy all year un-ironically and it won’t be pleasant for either of you.”

Millie - Churchill “The only thing that matters is just to throw yourself into freshers’ week! Enjoy yourself and try everything!”

Chloe - Corpus Christi “Don’t stress too much about work in the first week - making friends is more important!”

signed for a very specific type of person and if that isn’t your thing you will still make friends and fit in as much as the people chugging VKs every night! Also, even if you feel like everyone is so much smarter than you, they’re really not. They may know lots about one thing, but you know lots about another!”

Isy - St Catharine’s “During our first bop in freshers’ week I took full advantage of the £1 tequila shots and

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Colin - Emmanuel “My first reaction on meeting University Chal-

Vincent - St John’s “If you don’t remember your freshers’ week, it probably went well.”

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E H T G N I T S BUR BUBBLE

IN DEFENCE OF ESCAPING

Eleanor House One timeless Cambridge-ism that has been passed down through the ages is ‘the bubble’ metaphor. This is the idea that the University of Cambridge is an isolated alternative society suspended within the normal world - an emulsion, if you will.

distance. The Botanic Gardens are only a 20-minute walk from Market Square but feel a world apart from the library or lab (also FREE to cam-card holders!). A personal favourite escape route is a leisurely walk along the river ending up in Logan’s Meadow (25-minute walk from the centre). Alternatively, walk, jog, cycle, or punt your way to Grantchester Meadows and befriend the cows (30-minute walk from the cen-

It is an apt description. Cambridge has its own distinct lifestyle. We play by unique rules.

We participate in objectively bizarre traditions, like wearing gowns to all formal events. We even speak a language which sounds eerily like standard English, but is jarring to an untrained ear - NatScis, Englings, Mathmos, Mainsbury’s, bop, bedder, DoS, gyp, etc.

The bubble isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is a big part of why studying here is such a unique and exciting experience. The intensity, the sense of camaraderie, the fact that everything is within walking distance (unless you’re at Girton) are some of the key reasons why I love being a Cantab.

But everyone needs to burst the bubble sometimes. It is incredibly natural to develop a sense of claustrophobia in Cambridge.

Eight weeks feels like six months, and it’s not long before your convenient sphere of influence between college, faculty, and the city centre becomes an oppressively narrow circle.

This feeling is nothing to be ashamed of.

There should not be a stigma against ‘Cam-

strophobia’. More importantly, it should not feel like a competition to stay in the bubble for the longest; the amount of time spent within this small area is not directly proportional to your commitment, hard work, or grades. It is easy to forget this.

Therefore, before we all get sucked in further and begin waving a Cambridge tricolour flag or composing a ‘GDBO’ national anthem, I want to reiterate one thing: escaping is okay.

The great escape doesn’t have to take you far away at all. You can breach the ceiling of the bubble by climbing to the top of Castle Mound (10-minute walk from Market Square) - be reminded of the beauty of the city from a healthy

tre).

In my experience, running for an hour or so away from the city in any direction is the cure to all ills. Grantchester and Chesterton are both small, friendly towns on the outskirts of the city with a plethora of pubs and cafés to explore. Or just follow the river - The Plough pub comes highly recommended.

This is not a criticism of Cambridge, or to say that you will definitely feel claustrophobic. I am simply a fellow Cantab saying that it is okay to want to escape. I love Cambridge but I also have to run away from time to time.

What’s wrong with that?

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THE TAB’S GUID E TO CAMB RIDG E POLIT ICS

Sam Willis

Party Clubs Many students live their uni days like life’s a party. For students in this tribe, life is The PartyTM, The Party is for Life (unless you’re contemplating a breakaway… more on that later). If you hadn’t noticed, parties are pretty important in British politics. Their Uni societies aren’t. But they’re still important and interesting in their own way (even if their names do all sound like weird knock-off colas…)

Cambridge Universities Labour Club (CULC) Who? The Holy Order of Saint Ed the Miliband What? The canvassing life (your old Saturday leaflet delivery job – without the pay) Found where? Didn’t you hear, there’s a county council by-election in Apple Tree Hedges ward!

(Probably) the biggest party society in Cambridge. Their man (Daniel Zeichner) is MP, and their party control the City Council. Unsurprisingly, then, a lot of their time is spent campaigning for candidates. Improbably for a student Labour club, CULC is pretty much faction-free. One former co-chair suggested lack of involvement in national Labour politics might be the reason. Keep it local, it seems.

Did you know? Yes, it might sound like a Miliband-era joke about Labour incompetence, but the ‘Universities’ in the name isn’t actually a mistake. CULC is the student club for Anglia Ruskin as well as Uni of Cam. At least in theory, anyway

WHO’S WHO Evie Aspinall The current president of CUSU Amatey Doku A former president of CUSU and a serving vice president of NUS. (A bit of a celebrity on the Cambridge scene, so don’t be surprised if you hear his name invoked in reverential tones) Katie Clark and Ali Hyde Co-chairs of CULC Gabriel Barton-Singer Chair of CULA Timur Coskun Chairman of CUCA 21

Welcome to Cambridge – yes, one of the two universities responsible for producing an embarrassingly high proportion of this country’s political class. Oops! Too bad. You’re here now and gone are those 00s Peep Show days where politics were stale and safely left to the wonkish few. Everyone’s at it now – ‘being engaged’ is the latest craze. But what does it mean here in Cambridge?

Cambridge University Liberal Association (CU

LA)

Who? Jeremy Corbyn will nationalise the college vineyard!

Where? Brussels. Or the Union. Which has a black-tie dinner tonight?

Hold your horses! There are places the Liberals aren’t irrelevant? Yes, my friend, the rumours are true. They even had an MP here a few years ago. Yes, Britain’s most Remainy party might have failed in Britain’s most Remainy city last year, but these fine amiable fellows aren’t letting that get them down.

They’ve got a Union debate to get to, or pub quiz with the local Tories to organise.

Cambridge University Conservative Associa

tion (CUCA)

Who? Boy am I looking forward to Thatcher’s 40th year in power.

What? Historical re-enactment society, specialising in Cambridge life c.1900.

Why? God knows.

Erm, yeah, so bit awks. If you’re a Tory and not, I don’t know – a crank – you might be a little lost for the next few years.

Sorry. Jokes aside, CUCA have a real knack for courting controversy (the recent Grudgebridge feudings being among the latest). The Tories have no councillors in Cambridge at city or county level, and in the general election came safely third. All of which begs the question – why? What is the point? Is it just to play-act the Machiavellianism necessary to rise through the party? Can CUCA find a role for itself beyond provocateur?

Policy-wise, they have moved towards a firmly pro-Brexit position in their social media output. They have also announced plans for a new magazine for Conservative views. Is this just a continuation of CUCA’s long-standing bunker mentality in the face of ‘liberal Cambridge’? Or is this the year we see a new and coherent approach? I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Cambridge Momentum Society vs. Momentum Society Cambridge University

Other Societies and Groups Because your DoS said there’s more to life than

Yup, sounds like a joke from Life of Brian, but it’s true.

The Momentum Society Cambridge University (MomSoc, to you and me) broke away from the Cambridge Momentum Society last year due to – differences of personality, shall we say.

But that’s the past right? This year, MomSoc are the unknown quantity in Cambridge politics. Having failed, understandably, to make a mark on the scene last year, it will be interesting to see what they get up to this year.

Will they forge closer campaigning ties with CULC, or become another society in the growing constellation of the ‘activist left’? We’ll be keeping a close eye either way.

KEY THEMES Divestment Withdrawing University and college investments in industries that cause damage to the environment.

Decolonising the curriculum Making courses (and the University at large) less Eurocentric (e.g. including non-white political thinkers in the HSPS tripos).

University democracy Making the decision-making processes in the University more transparent and democratic (usually aimed at increasing student and staff participation).

Liberation The umbrella term for all the activists, groups, and policies aimed at fighting systemic discrimination on the grounds of race, belief, gender, sex, sexuality, and disability.

Free speech In the context of student politics, frequently used as a fig leaf for attacking Liberation agendas (e.g. criticising no-platform and safe-space policies).

UCU strike Last year staff went on strike against proposed pension changes. The student left rallied behind the strike, and the strike certainly had something to do with the activist spirit in the air last year. The controversy: there was some tension over missed teaching hours, especially in the sciences.

parties…

‘Activist Left’

You might have heard this phrase already, and thankfully (unlike most Cambridge jargon), it’s self-explanatory. If, when you imagine student politics, you see marches, flares, banners, chanting chanting so much chanting… well, you’re thinking of this crowd.

They include Cambridge Defend Education and Cambridge Zero Carbon Society, to name two, but on the marches expect to find members and non-members from across the spectrum of the left. They’re more united by common causes than rigid structures – think divestment, rent, university democracy, and decolonisation. Last year was hot with the strike, the occupation of the Senate House, marches, and even hunger strikes. The big question to be answered: can they carry forward the momentum into the new year?

Cambridge University Students’ Union (CUSU) The student union in Cambridge. While undoubtedly responsible for many important things (the Liberation Campaigns, for instance, are vital institutions for oppressed groups in the University), CUSU has a problem with seeming remote from the lives of most students.

There are many good articles setting out the most tedious roller-coaster in the world that is CUSU. Most of the union’s problems revolve around finances – not that the average student on the Sidge would know much about it. That said, CUSU’s last presidential election was interesting. The winner was Evie Aspinall, a former Women’s Officer at Pembroke. Her opponents were Connor MacDonald (former chairman of CUCA) and Siyang Wei (former cochair of CULC). Aspinall was widely thought to be the centre/liberal candidate, in part because she pitched herself as less activism-focused than Wei. It has been speculated that Aspinall won because she took the second preference votes of MacDonald supporters who wanted to prevent a win for Wei. So last year was a high for activism on the street, but this failed to translate at the CUSU ballot box. This is the thing to watch out for this year. If this is another hot year for the ‘activist left’, how will the new CUSU President respond to that? More generally, do the activists of the left act with the tacit approval of the wider student body? Or are backlashes and ‘outsider candidates’ to be expected? Watch this space.

22

OPINIO

N

TO UNION OR NOT TO UNION: THAT IS THE £150 QUESTION

Dina Gitlin-Leigh The Union is exactly what everyone pictures Cambridge to be: grand, old, elitist and occasionally Stephen Fry might pop in. The prospect of being welcomed into Cambridge's most portentous and swanky society in all its leather seat and oak panelled glory is enticing, but is the hefty price tag really worth it?

G? OUP POSTIN R G R E H S L E IL R F W NT THE INCESSA O T B M U C C U YOU S

Firstly, there are the debates. They are the thing that the Union is founded for and to give credit where credit is due, they do have cool people to discuss interesting topics. Isn't that what university is all about? Going to broaden your mind by listening to an ex-Cabinet member argue with a celebrity talk show host about the downfalls of brexit?

The Union seems like the perfect way to justify to your friends why you chose to go to a University that only gives 3 days for fresher events while also filling the academic void left in you by the long summer. But when term starts and that first essay hits, dragging yourself out to The Union the hear a C-list celebrity describe their journey into music or listen to a debate about the threat of nuclear warfare may not be the highest on your priority list.

There is also the Freshers' Ball to think about.

The Union offer entry to a ballot of Freshers' Ball tickets along with life membership and what is more exciting than the chance to dress up in black tie and party with all your new pals.

However, considering that a couple of years ago life membership got you definite entry to the ball, this seems like a bit of a bad deal if even after paying all those £££ there is still a chance you might not get a ticket. For those who gets tickets though, the ball is guaranteed to be a

23

good night. With free flowing food and drink, you can dance the night away to the live bands and go get glitter painted on your happy fresher face.

However, unlike the balls you will attend in May Week with your actual friends, you are still at the stage where you need to stop yourself from getting too drunk and running around with your skirt over your head. Or sleeping with someone that you will definitely regret for the next 3 years. These people are still practically strangers, and while going to a ball is a fun bonding experience, so is going to get a £5 pizza at Strada for a thirtieth of the price.

Of course, if you are into debating then The Union is an incredible outlet and membership is an investment. The Union is especially made worth it if you have aspirations to join the committee. Not only will you get great CV points but it is a rare chance to

work at such a young age in such a big budget organisation.

It is also a good way to perk up a difficult term by smugly walking into front row at Bernie Sanders knowing that your friends are crammed into the overflow room having queued up since 5am that morning. You will also have great name dropping potential when you go back home when get to tell a story about something funny that Ian McKellen happened to say to you while you were sitting next to him at a Union dinner.

Ultimately, the Union is great if you are going to get stuck in and enthusiastic about all the debates or if you have political aspirations then it is a useful method of hacking your way up the slippery pole to the top. However, unless you have a burgeoning passion for free debate or power then maybe it would be wiser to save your money so you can waste it on jaeger bombs at Cindies instead.

T A H W U O Y D E K S WE A Y A S S E T S R O W R YO U E R E W S T N N” E O I T M C U D M O O R C T YO U R I N T

RES FEATU

Annie Appen

BOU A S E R A C E “NO-ON

Thought your supervisor has it out for you in particular? Been on the receiving end of a particularly harsh roast from your supervisor or has your supervisor even cast shade on you publicly in a supo?

You are not alone.

We asked students at Cambridge for some of their worst comments from their supervisors on their essays… prepare yourself.

“Failing to see the potential we saw in you at interview” “Poorly structured and quite frankly irrelevant” “I’m dumbfounded and none the wiser” “What on earth??? You seem to not have grasped the basic concepts of Law” “Are you crazy?”

“Your best point is just daft” “a fairly disappointing performance.

I wonder if this candidate has been

revising enough or in the right way” “Goodness me, you wouldn’t last 2 hours in Rome” “Quelle surprise, you’ve made another nonsensical conclusion” “A true slog...but I’ve made it to the end of your essay” “We did not win two World Wars for you to make such an unconvincing conclusion” “...This has unfortunate Nazi connotations” “Good lord!”

“avoid words with Latin etymology in future...”

“Find another way to say this... it sounds like an illness” “Aha! You thought you’d get away without doing the reading didn’t you?”

“No one, least of all myself, cares about your introduction” “Another misinterpretation...you nearly convinced me you had even just a vague understanding of the material”

“O tempora! O mores!” (trans: Oh the times! “Decorative and bad” Oh the morals!)

“This is not the work of a Cambridge “I think you meant something very differNatSci!” ent...but I can’t be sure anymore” “Write that in the exam and you may “Lousy understanding, even lousier execuas well just put: Hi my name’s Laution” ra* and I’d like a 3rd please!” “*tearing my hair*”

“Sorry, but I just don’t have time to mark your essay properly”

“Chaucer is turning in his grave” “You’ll have to leave as you just don’t know enough for us to have a conversation”

“You appear to have mastered the art of doing the bare minimum” “Nah.”

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E G ID R B M A C O T Z O AN A T L A N IO T A N R E T IN E H FO R T FRESHER I’M AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE

I’M AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE

Cambridge University is a difficult enough place for any newcomer to figure out, with its’ specialised lingo, unspoken rules surrounding swap etiquette and a weird obsession with Bohemian Rhapsody. But for you, the international student, it might as well be another planet. Not

A

only are you navigating your way through the Fresher bubble of second-year sharks and awkward initial interactions with people you will soon dislike, you also have to adapt to British drinking culture, a different currency and figuring out what on earth ‘Peep Show’ is.

A is for Accent Maybe you think you don’t have one — you’re wrong. After freshers’ week you will, chameleon-style, slip into the homogeneous Cambridge drawl and, when speaking to your home friends for the first time, be asked: ‘why do you sound like a posh prick?

C

C is for chirpse Both a noun and a verb which describes the act of flirtation, usually done badly over a VK in a nightclub (see V for further clarification).

B

D

G is for gap year (pronounced ‘yaaah’) Some people may have even spent theirs in your home country, but don’t expect to have a cosy conversation about it. The likelihood is they spent most of their time at hostels with other Brits complaining about how the local food gives them a dodgy tummy.

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Emily Christiansen

Luckily for you, I have kindly prepared you for uni life in the UK with an A to Z of all the quintessentially British things you may stumble upon

B is for Brexit Don’t approach this topic. Yes, the statistics say it was primarily the less educated who voted Leave, but some of your pals will likely have some economically-justified reason for wanting the likes of you out of their country. Don’t take it personally, they don’t necessarily dislike you or your culture, and either way you’ll adjust swiftly and start eating as many Rich Tea biscuits as the average Brit.

D is for double standards England should technically be a liberal and equal society, but you’ll soon find that even in Cambridge, too much chirpsing will get you a bad name

G H

E F

E is for exotic You are not this. No one cares where you’re from unless it’s Surrey. Everyone is from Surrey.

is for fees You are paying ridiculously high ones to subsidise everyone else’s

H is for homesick You are very far from home and although the British are welcoming and friendly, there will be times when you will long to speak your own language and have conversations that don’t revolve around the weather.

I

I is for identity Related to the above, you will start to question your own as you begin to enjoy eating gravy on your chips. Fortunately, there are a number of societies to reinforce your original self. And after the first society event you go to, you’ll remember exactly why you left that country in the first place.

L

R

W Z

M is for meal deals On the surface, a cheap and cheerful approach to a balanced lunch. On a deeper level, a profoundly spiritual comment on your personality.

P

O is for opinions Don’t have any extreme ones, unless they are on whether the perfect brew starts or ends with milk.

R is for responsible drinking Ha.

T is for tolerance To be specific, alcohol tolerance.

Brits love to claim to be heavyweights, yet pass out after the first few shots. You were taught moderation, drinking wine with meals on special occasions. They were taught excess.

W is for WKD Another drink and a point of nostalgia for any Brit, with memories of throwing up bright blue vomit aged-15.

K K is for kiss Kisses do not belong in a British greeting. Learn to shake a hand or do a small nod of the head, and save the pecks for sloppy advances in the smoking area of Cindies.

M

L is for lad culture Related to D, it says a lot that drinking societies are recognised establishments at UK unis

O

T

J

J is for Jeremy Corbyn Have an opinion on this man or be prepared to remain silent during any political conversation.

Q

S is for Sainsbury's (Also known as Sainso’s, Sain’s, etc.)

This is where you will find some of the cheaper meal deals. But considering F, you’ll be shopping at M&S.

U

Z is for zoo The constant influx of tourists will make you feel like you are in one, but that’s a burden you will share with everyone else

N

P is for polite Brits pride themselves on good manners, not complaining too often and apologising without necessity. Feel free to not do the same.

S

X

N is for NorthSouth divide This is the only kind of geographical awareness a lot of people you meet will have. ‘Oh, you’re from Sweden? So do you speak Swiss?’.

U is for understated In relation to O, Brits fear confrontation and would rather be understated than extreme in their opinions.

X is for exes You might be in a happy committed relationship with your high school sweetheart before you leave for your Cambridge adventure, but don’t be naïve and expect it to continue.

Q is for queuing Apparently more Brits died on the Titanic than any other nationality because they were forming an orderly queue for the lifeboats. The same cannot be said for the queue to Life on a Sunday.

V Y

V is for VK The poison of choice on any night out. Stains clothing and tastes like nail varnish remover, and, like the meal deal, your choice of flavour says everything about who you are as a person

Y is for years of British TV culture If you’ve been given a reading list for your course, put it in the bin and get started on decades of cult TV, or all references to Skins and The Inbetweeners will fly past you.

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INTERVIEW

: O T S K L A T H E TA B T IBZ MO

Rachael Goldwater

Third year PBS student Ibrahim Mohammed rose to digital fame when he started vlogging his experiences as a working-class ethnic minority student during his first year at Cambridge. Now with over 85,000 subscribers, he uses his channel to motivate and inspire students from similar backgrounds to aim high and reach the UK’s top universities.

isations dedicated to help BME students. I do think that more pressure needs to be put on individual college staff members to understand and acknowledge the unique limitations that some BME students may experience. I think more needs to be done with working-class BME Students: I grew up dirt poor, and the struggles myself and my friends as working-class BME students faced are not identical to those of midWhat do you think of the vlogging community for the opportunity! But it's really annoying when dle-class BME students. in Cambridge?

I'm trying to watch my friend’s snapchat stories It's one of a kind. No shade to any other uni, but You’re at a mature college (Wolfson): do you and my bloody face keeps popping up! there isn't a Vlogging community as big, diverse, think there are college disparities? or as supportive as Cambridge's one. Jake Yes I do. I didn't apply to Wolfson, I got pooled. Which dystopian novel or film is Cambridge?

Wright really set a bar, but for me it was Nissy Initially, I loved the diversity and the friendliness 1984! Being censored and monitored by staff Tee and Courtney Daniella who made vlogging of the college (and I still do). However as a vlog- who think they have more authority than us. Girl into a powerful source of inspiration. ger who has impacted 'access into Cambridge', bye. there have been times where I have clashed Why do you think the job of a vlogger is imporDo you have any improvements for Sidgwick with Wolfson admissions staff. But there can tant? only be so much done with such comparatively site?

The reach and influence we have on young stulittle funding. Though I wouldn't trade the por- Lower the prices of the bloody cafes! dents to inspire them to apply to top unis (esters for anything! And let’s be real, Wolfson lets pecially from low income or BME backgrounds) me get away with a lot more than Trinity would. Would you rather graduate with a 3rd or be is something that the university could NEVER forced to get to Cindies each Wednesday for attain.

9pm?

As a student who switched degrees (from HSPS to PBS) what advice would you give to Cindies 100% — but in the John’s Bar! What is your advice for 2018’s freshers? those thinking of doing the same?

Never be afraid to challenge something you Be prepared for the shift in workload! I had to Gardies or Van of Life? don't agree with. That was a lot of my first year play catch up, and no one ever told me it would I don't eat from a van anymore, so Gardies all life. be this hard. I seriously had 25 assignments to the way. do in 8 weeks…

What do you think of the new Stormzy scholarship?

Any regrets as a finalist?

IT'S AMAZING! It already has inspired people I No regrets. Only challenges that have turned in know to apply to Cambridge, so clearly it's workto lessons. ing.

As a vocal BME voice in Cambridge student life, what more can and needs to be done to improve access?

A lot has already been done! Since the ACS 'Black Men of Cambridge' photo came out, there has been a lot more collaboration with organ27

Jesus Green or Parker’s Piece?

Parker’s Piece because it's near Mill Road, the halal food and diversity. Also I can escape the bubble on the coach.

You are working with Currys PC World, can you Snog, marry, avoid: Land Economy, ASNAC, AMES? tell us what this project means to you?

Avoid ASNAC, snog AMES and marry Land EconI remember being told when I wanted to start YouTube that being a Muslim would never allow omy because they are likely to make the most me to work commercially. But when the first ad money came though and it went down as well as it did, Currys wanted to keep doing it. I'm so grateful

FEATU

RES

A LETTER F L E S R E H S E R F Y M TO WISER

Daisy Everingham

Hope you're feeling okay. Well, I know how you feel and okay isn't quite how I'd describe it. Going to any uni is daunting and arriving at Cambridge isn't any less so, especially when it's been your dream for so long. It's a mess of feelings; excitement, overwhelming happiness, homesickness and downright fear.

AND R E D L O W E L O T N LIT A G N I L E E F I’M

But ride this wave: you've got one hell of a year in front of you. No one can quite prepare you for Cambridge and to be honest I don't think you know what you have signed yourself up for.

But don't stress: here you'll experience things you never thought you would and get absolutely mad opportunities.

Don't forget that self care is still important — and I'm not talking bubble baths and face masks. Never feel bad for dipping from the library early to catch up on Bake Off in your pyjamas: just because your friends are staying there ‘til 2am, it doesn't make you any much less of a hard worker. Same goes for dipping from a night out when you really just need to sleep.

All Wednesday Cindies are the same, don't stress missing one if you feel ridiculously knackered.

Also, I hate to break it to you but you will change. Firstly you may ending up donning the Cambridge look, which pretty much consists of pretty ugly vintage clothes and going to bizarre nights out where it's completely common place to play All I Want for Christmas is You in June. You might have to re-evaluate just how many times it is acceptable to wear a pair of jeans before a wash and then actually figuring out how to use a washing machine. (Although my fresher self went to Emma so didn't really have to worry about that).

You'll go home at Christmas and realise you've picked up odd Cambridge terms as well as slang from your friends all over the country. Your accent might become 'posher' or may well be strengthened out of defiance in an act to show off your regional identity (I know, rich coming from someone from Essex). And you never know, you might just fall into the depths of the ADC or rowing, and never return.

Well, I've rambled on so I don't want to keep you much longer. Or spoil too many surprises. I'm almost jealous of all the fun you've got to come. Keep remembering you deserve to be here and it's all going to be okay.

Lots of love from your second year self, who feels a bit wiser but still can't quite comprehend what second year is going to bring.

Finally, you're going to meet some of the most cracking mates. Cambridge is full of people who will make you laugh non-stop, will teach you about all sorts of random things and will care for you in a way that's pretty unique to a uni experience. If I could give you one piece of advice, it's that your friends will come and don't be sad if you aren't college married in freshers’ week. You will find your people at Cambridge: it might take a while, but when you do they'll be the best friends you could have asked for.

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S T E G G IN O G E H T N E WH E K A T H G U O T E H T , H TOUG A GAP YEAR

RES FEATU

E YEAR IN WILL I SURVIVE TH TUNED FOLKS….

ITALY? STAY

Henry Weighill When I entered uni life in October 2017 I expected to have a standard experience, or as standard as I could hope to have. I hoped that nothing more dramatic than casual financial ruin or passing out after drinking a bottle of gin would spoil my student days, and I would eventually graduate with a few good stories and all of my limbs still intact.

First term went well, I only got thrown out of one nightclub and even then, I managed to befriend the two people who carried me home – drunkenly screaming at strangers is a real icebreaker. But it all seemed too simple, and as destroying assumptions is one of my hobbies, I started subconsciously searching for a way to create some extra drama in the four years stretching out before me.

That is how we got here. By here I mean me running away from Cambridge after applying and accepting an exchange year at a university in Pavia, Italy. I have officially have rejected my 2nd year at Cambridge for a trip to the continent which I imagine involves drinking coffee, smoking and I speak less Italian than a Dolmio pasta sauce advert, have never been away from wearing stripy t-shirts. Tell me if I’m wrong. home for over two weeks and the only time I went to Italy was in Venice and I develI’ll set the scene for how this started. Mid-December. I am oped an irrational fear of water. Not exactly a CV for a citizen of the world.

It was by no means an easy decision to make, I had to consider all the big things: lying on a sofa, pretending to listen to my mum discuss the language, accommodation, lifestyle, and how often is too often to eat carboturkey whilst scrolling through my emails, perhaps in the hope that my lecturers have finally noticed my true genius nara (the answer: never). Another terrifying prospect was that of freshers’ week: it was horrific enough in English but surely would be even more so when conducted in and will start giving me higher marks. I am unfortunateItalian and the drink of choice is limoncello. Then I had to consider my friends, they ly still waiting on that one. In the peak of my boredom I decided to apply for anything and everything possible. No all seemed unanimously confused by my decision but promised to come visit me if internship, summer job or exchange wasn’t investigated in only to exploit my vicinity to lasagne and warm weather. And with that I was going. my pre-Christmas listlessness. Solving illiteracy in Uganda? Applied. Saving Nepalese children through theatre?

Applied. All this while my family were next door drinking gin and drunk texting my senile grandma. That is when I came across the possibility to take a year to study in Italy.

It wasn’t quite saving the third world, but I thought I might as well give it a go.

The positives: the year is mostly free, and I get to eat as much pasta as I want, even though thanks to my feral and minimalist cooking style I had already eaten enough pasta to feed the entirety of Italy. Additionally, I would be adding a fifth year to my already four-year degree, thus delaying adulthood into the distant realm of 2022. The negatives: 29

Before you think that I am turning into an extremely low-budget version of Eat Pray Love I can assure you I have no intention to go to either Bali or India as of yet. I am also not Julia Roberts as of yet. As well as this, the idea of meditation pains me because every time I try to retreat into my own thoughts I am reminded of the time I organised a party for 30 people and only 5 showed up. It was a depressing moment and the amount of moral strength needed to appear unembarrassed will perhaps come in handy for the year ahead.

So Arrivederci Inghilterra for the time being, I will miss my friends, my family and cheesy chips but I’ll just have to listen to Brexit drama and pretend I am there with you. And as they said in The Sound of Music, an analogy that has nothing at all to do with Italy, ‘So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, and until 2019, ciao for now.’

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FASHIO

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Editor and stylist: Gaia Reyes Photographer and stylist: Hollie Berman Models: Joy Hunter, Rhiannon Osborne, Saif Jalali

H S E R F E H T G N I T T U P K E E W ’ S R E H S E R F N I

Joy wears (pom pom earrings: Mango Teapot on Etsy; coat: charity shop; scrunchie: market)

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Saif wears (tennis chains: Gold Gods; top: Primitive; jeans: Nudie)

s. Brighten up It’s time to turn heads in all the right way h a pop of colour your daily style in a matter of minutes wit of your comand some statement jewellery. Stepping out Cambridge’s fort zone and injecting some vibrancy into so good. hallowed halls has never felt (and looked)

Rhiannon wears (earrings: Zara; top: Nasty Gal; trousers: New Look)

Joy wears (coat: charity shop; earrings: Topshop; trousers: Pull & Bear)

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THEAT

RE

HOW TO SPOT A THESP INCASE YOU’D ..

EVER MISS ONE..

Iulia Teodorescu I am about to tell you something shocking. Cambridge is full, and I mean teeming, with…. wait for it… thesps. *hundreds of teacups clatter to the floor in pure stupefaction* And I’m not talking about the self-respecting X-rated kind either. Oh no. I mean the poncy, Shakespeare-reciting, Fringe-going typical thesp.

Said thesps roam our streets freely and unobserved. Here’s your go-to guide to exposing all theatre enthusiasts to the world, because their subtle ways can fool even the most seasoned of thesp-hunters.

Rather ironically, costume As much as they might try to remain unobserved, a thesp’s attire is one of the key giveaways. Needless to say, wavy garms are compulsory thespian apparel. A true thesp will never be able to conceal their true thespish identity. Those *vibes* will ooze right down from their eccentric shirts to their flared velvet trousers. You’re fooling no-one, honey.

Speech A certain thesp I am *cough* closely acquainted with was once accused of ‘excessive verbosity’ by their supervisor. And this was an English supervisor. Deduct what you will from this.

The network They know everybody. If your date greets every second person on the street with a demonstratively theatrical embrace and squeal, I’m afraid it’s very likely that you’ve landed yourself a dreaded thesp. Just back away slowly.

Hideouts It is a truth universally acknowledged that the thesp species will conglomerate in dimly lit, claustrophobic rooms known by the intimate 33

community as theatres. Here they marinate in one another’s ingenuity before proceeding to share their enthralment with one another’s unadulterated talent in the ADC bar.

Field of expertise A thesp will probably do a ridiculous subject like, god forbid, English, or something equally poncy but infinitely less demanding (such as History). Having said that, natsci thesps have been known to appear, though they are widely acknowledged to be a rare species.

Profile picture You may initially overlook your friend Emma’s new profile picture (in which that *edgy* faded filter, tactical lighting, name of the show and her role in it are superimposed) as your everyday undistinguished individual’s profile picture. I am here to advise you to look twice.

Once again, subtlety My final pearl of wisdom in this treacherous mission of hunting down a thesp is to always look beneath the surface. Despite being the masters of disguise, with a little effort and discernment, thesps can be found.

Seriously, look out, they’re insidious, infiltrating your lecture theatres, your streets, Facebook and maybe even The Tab…

RE THEAT

, E G D I R B M A C QUEERING E M I T A T A Y A L ONE P

EART WAN MY LITTLE GAY H

T S MORE DRAM

A

Ben Vince As I approach my second year, my excitement for the future of Cambridge’s theatre scene is only strengthened by the ever-growing quantity and quality of queer narratives on display.

Some of the best reviewed shows from last year were nuanced, sensitive, and humorous depictions of LGBTQ+ life. One such of these brilliant productions, Snow Orchid, received 4.5/5 from The Tab, and awesome praise from the general student body. I was lucky enough to see it, and I have to admit that it made me cry.

Snow Orchid was one of several shows last year produced by the Cambridge University Queer Players (CUQP), only just formed in June 2017, and boy did it impress. A seamless production, it was able to deftly bring great depth and humanity to each character’s story. One of the things I loved most about Snow Orchid though was how it was never framed as a “gay play”, but rather as an exploration of a queer narrative within a wider context. With standing ovations from the first night, the CUQP had put on a show that marked them as a force to be reckoned with.

Speaking to the co-founders of the Players, Sophie Leydon and Gabriel Humphreys, with such determination and purpose it's easy to see why:

Snow Orchid theatre - staging an entire queer season, so you boys who would make fun of you for being bad can already see the landscape changing.’’ at sport are now your personal cheerleaders. In short - it’s fabulous.

Brilliant queer theatre is also making its mark elsewhere: one of the best sketches of last I knew Cambridge was going to be pretty queer year found the Footlights' Noah Geelan and before I got here - after all, according to The Leo Reich (in Pen Pals) singing an uproariously Tab’s very own 2014 survey, this is the universifunny and surprisingly touching song about one ty with the highest proportion of LGBTQ+ stunight stands, and Kate Collins followed up her dents in the UK (19%), and whilst Glitterbomb acclaimed production Spiders with the tender can provide some well-needed hours of unadulepisodic play Stormface (This as Well), a fantas- terated gayness, the theatre scene is slowly but tic look at femininity and queerness in several surely revealing itself to be the lead queer voice different forms. Just like Snow Orchid it made of the student body. Many great queer names me shed a tear. I went to see both of these plays have come out of 'CamDram' — think Stephen ‘Queer Players was an idea we had over a year with a mostly straight groups of friends, and I ago while putting together our Fringe show, Fry and Sandi Toksvig — and the consistent work with a twofold aim. First, to take positive action was struck by just how much more emotional it of those who came before us has lead to a presagainst the glaring lack of nuanced queer narra- made me. ent moment where the queer experience can be tives anywhere in the Cambridge theatre scene, explored in such a normalised way - it's now our Now I’ll admit, I can be a soppy son of a bitch and second to create space both on and off turn to tell the story. at the best of times, but penchant for getting stage for queer creatives.’ too invested in my feelings aside, there’s some- The new year is on the horizon, and I couldn’t thing especially moving about watching such ‘From there, it spiralled - in a year we staged be more excited for what it’s bringing to Camsensitive, thoughtful depictions of you and your bridge theatre - the freshers are nearly here, 3 productions across 3 spaces, with over 60 people involved, and most recently established community when you’re so used to the spotlight now’s the time to stay queer. shining elsewhere. It’s like being the last person a committee of 8 to take the company forward. picked for a team at school, to then be told that In association with CUQP this Michaelmas, not only are you captain of both teams, but the Pembroke Players is doing a first in UK student 34

RES FEATU

S E R U S A E L P ) Y ( T L I U MY G Rachael Goldwater

In my first ever DoS meeting, I was reminded that, 'you have 168 hours in your week, that is the same as Beyonce, what are you going to do with them?' — well, she might have just said 'The Queen', and maybe I inferred from that that she meant the Musical Messiah, but the message was that time is short, and there is plenty to do.

From squeezing in extracurriculars to our already packed schedule of 9am lectures and seminars (which we are all attending, obviously) something's gotta give. And for me, it was my moral compass.

Taking other people's laundry out of the washing machine The trek down to the laundry room is already arduous enough.

Followed by the nightmare that is topping up the card which is around £32 for a light wash of knickers. The last thing you need is to arrive at your destination and find that there are no empty washing machines.

times I could buy a selection of soft mints to reach the threshold. Regardless of how peng the pastry section was looking, I would have to pull myself back. But now, the gloves are off. The contactless card has been let loose into the wild. I can heartily justify a number of hot drinks, a plate full of roast potatoes and a random pain-au-chocolat on my many trips to the Tea Room throughout my hard working day of approximately 3 hours.

After a quick Sophie's Choice worthy moral conundrum, I decide to pick the machine with the most sports gear inside, partly out of jealousy that I was always picked last for P.E games. As a young and timid fresher I would wait a while to see if people would turn up to collect their laundry. But 2 years down the line and countless traumas later, I have resorted to pure barbarism.

The wet clothes will be dumped on the floor. Not even on the nearby bench. Cambridge is a cut-throat world, a doggo-eat-doggo one if you will.

Napping Approaching my final year in Cambridge, I know I have learned one thing at least: the art of a 12 minute nap. I know the science will tell you that 20 minutes is optimum. But just as Donald J Trump will tell you, Global Warming is a certi hoax, and so is the rest of the academic community. 12 sweet minutes is all you need. And more importantly, 12 minutes is all you have.

Because, when you're in between 2 essays, a seminar presentation, a committee meeting is fast approaching annnd the kettle is boiling, time is of the essence. If they're under 12 minutes you're left feeling crabby, and if it’s over the 12 mark then you're even groggier than you were before, and furious because you've ruined the pedantic system of time-management that fascists would be proud of. 12 is the sweet spot.

Uber rides As a Hill-college resident I have the right to moan about my long walk home (god knows you all do it enough anyway). I also don't cycle, so these boots are made for walking, but sometimes it can be tough. So now and then I’ll take a cheeky Uber. It's casual, I tell myself. It starts off as a cab back from a night out, the pals are fairly pissed, cheesy-chip-cladden and simply aren't in the mood. Then it’s an occasional cab back from town: all the hours of shopping in Zara have worn me out and I simply can't face the walk. The next thing you know, I'm Ubering to other colleges. To my lectures. To the library. It is totally out of hand. It has lost all sense of meaning.

This isn't necessarily my proudest hour (ha ha ha).

Food shopping Life at Cam is so dreary that an afternoon waltz down to the local grocer really is the highlight of my day. From inspecting the new produce to seeing that the Pringles are on sale again (!!), it really is an exhilarating ride. Yes of course I need another reduced trifle which expires tomorrow. This is painfully followed by my habit of forgetting to bring my Bag For Life every trip to the shops, so now my bedroom is an overflowing Narnia of thin bright orange bags.

UL Tea Room Ever since it joined the rest of civilisation and didn't have a credit I'm not sure when exactly my morality left my system and I started engaging card minimum of a fiver, the Tea Room is now one of my biggest in all of these heinous and savage acts, but I think it was somewhere around weaknesses. When you had to spend a minimum of £5, my imgetting some decent UCAS points. pulsive nature was forcefully reigned in. There were only so many 35

IEW

G IN T C E P S U S N U D N A IL F R O S T B IT E , B A B Y O E S O P O T E IK L Y L L A E R M IL K M E N : W H A T IT ’S R A D N E L A C D E K A N S FO R T H E R AG B LU E

INTERV

Hollie Berman Cambridge students turned the nation’s heads when RAG (Raising and Giving) released the images for this year’s Blues Naked Calendar, photographed by Kevin Low. Profits from the calendar’s sales go towards the Society’s selected charities; BEAT, Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre, Mary’s Meal and Papyrus.

I spoke to some of the daring members from the Rock ‘n’ Roll Dancesport Acrobatics team, who star in this year’s calendar. Unsurprisingly, it turns out that getting naked on the Mathematical Bridge at 6am is as weird as it sounds.

What were your first thoughts when you were asked to take part in the naked calendar?

TEAM CAPTAIN: Is the world ready for me?

ALBA: Hell yeah, that sounds like fun. Then I realised how cold it was going to be and almost chickened out. Almost.

AMY: What would my Mum think?

Tell me about the day you took the photo.

TEAM CAPTAIN: It was awkwardly liberating, but we were baffled when they handed us a bottle of baby oil! It was just before our national dance comp at Blackpool, I guess it was a great way to bond with partners/ the team.

SAM: Cold.

ALBA: The effort of concentrating on not getting frostbite and doing naked acrobatics without bits touching where they shouldn’t made it hard to feel too awkward. Plus, the baby oil made the acrobatics so much riskier that I spent most of the time thinking about how to avoid slipping head first into the cam.

Did anyone accidentally walk in on the photo shoot?

ALBA: A milkman did cross the bridge halfway through the shoot, though he didn’t think

it was too unusual — all he did was remark, “nippy out, isn’t it?” Oh, and the early rowers leaving College at 6am didn’t try to look away either.

AMY: The porters and a couple of surprised college gardeners.

for the first time?

TEAM CAPTAIN: DoS. He appreciates art.

ALBA: Mum. She pre-ordered the calendar as soon as she could.

Would you do it again?

ALBA: Totally. Though the temperature would have to be above zero. And minus the baby How do you feel about making your national oil — that stuff is not made for acrobatics. tabloid debut...naked?

TEAM CAPTAIN: If Page 3 agreed to have me.

TEAM CAPTAIN: You’re welcome.

BEN: Who says this is my debut?

The RAG Blues Naked Calendar can be purALBA: It was only a matter of time. chased online now for £10.

Has anyone recognised you from the calendar?

TEAM CAPTAIN: Yes! People keep commenting on my calves.

AMY: Some people spotted me on the Daily Mail’s Snapchat.

Describe the experience in three words.

BEN: Beware the milkman.

SAM: Excruciatingly, painfully cold.

Would you rather be in the same room as your Mum or DoS when they saw the photo

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O SP

RT

A (WEDNES)DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BLUE Zoë Starbuck 06:00 - 06:30 At 06:00 you wake up to the motivational beats of your customised alarm song, ‘Eye of the Tiger’.

06:30 - 07:30 With only enthusiasm and not a hint of fatigue, you put on every piece of stash you own and go for a quick run. You find it the best way to wake up: a run is obviously better than a sleep.

shut your eyes and hope to sleep.

15:00 - 15:30 Upon arrival you and your team swan into an unfamiliar sports centre. Crossing this threshold, you assume a collective identity: You are proud intruders, alien invaders. You are no longer just you, you are Cambridge. You feel nervous, but 07:30 - 08:30 On your return you laugh at your friends eating you look confident. cereal, grabbing your overnight oats from the 16:00 - 18:00 fridge. You hear someone mock its physical appearance, but you know its nutritional value The game itself is a battle of two halves, or 4 quarters. A 60-minute frenzy of attack and far outweighs the aesthetic. You chow down defence. End to end action, goals and intersmugly. ceptions. There are fouls, there is blood, there is injury. Whistles blowing, umpires shouting, 10:30 - 11:00 crowds cheering, adrenaline surging. It is tiring, Time to head to the bus. You take a book for you are tired. It is over. You are victorious. You the journey, fully aware that you won’t read it. But when you know you are having to miss always are.

2 lectures and a seminar because they have inevitably been scheduled for a Wednesday because CAMBRIDGE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT SPORT, its mere presence provides a sense of comfort and reassurance.

11:00 - 15:00 The bus journey itself can go one of two ways.

It can be comfortable (USB ports, a dreamy 2:1 ratio of seats to players) or uncomfortable (a rattling minibus, condensation on the windows and a driver who can’t follow the satnav).

The former environment is conducive to productivity: perhaps you can read that book after all? But the latter is only fit for pre-match rest: 37

But the excitement doesn’t end there.

RUN FRESHER RUN

(A RO UN D CA MB RI DG E)

Zoë Starbuck Cambridge is a great place to run if, like me, you hate running up hills. Here are four easy running routes you can use to explore your new city. A perfect opportunity to run off last night’s VKs, run away from your new ‘friends’ (or with them?) and get to know what exists around town. #1 Eddington Route number #1 starts from Magdalene bridge:

Run all the way up Huntingdon Road passing Medwards and Fitz on your left. Just after you get to The Beefeater Pub take a left and you will find yourself at number 1: Eddington’s new 19:00 - 22:00 outdoor gym. Dotted around the field are various It’s a race against time to beat the traffic home, benches/bars for you to add in some strength to get to the club, and to reach the appropriate or ab exercises, or just have a little rest. As you level of drunk on the way. continue on the track you will see a giant Sainsbury’s. The path is clear and, following it to the 23:00 - 02:00 end, will take you out onto Storey’s Way. Run You’ve made it. Celebratory VKs all-round (only down here past Fitz and Churchill, turning left the blue ones, of course) to join Madingley road. Follow this road, keeping left when you get to the roundabout, and you will end up at the crossroads. Then just run back The promise of Cindies gleams at the back of your mind.

down the hill and you will be back at Magdalene Bridge. #2 West Cambridge Route #2 starts from the Sidgwick Site: Run all the way up West Road and turn right onto Grange road, running past the Rugby Club. Run straight down this road, passing Robinson College and then turn left onto Adam’s Road. At the end of this road you will see the Athletics Ground and there is a cycle track to the right of it.

Run down here past the nice green fields, bear right and follow the path over the bridge. Now you are at the West Cambridge Site, where the University Sport’s Centre is. You can run around there for a bit and when you are ready, turn around and run back! #3 River Run Route #3 starts from Sainsbury’s. The life-blood of the student experience.

N O I T I T E P M O C

Hey freshers!

Fancy winning membership to The Glassworks Gym and Spa for Michaelmas?

We thought so. All you have to do is: 1. Follow @thecambridgetab and @theglassworksgym on Instagram 2. Upload a photo from freshers’ week, tagging both accounts and including the hashtag #tabcambridgefreshers 3. You’re done! Simple as that.

Competition closes 08/10/18. Must be a fresher to enter (so back off sharks).

Run straight down Bridge street, past Curry King and the Mitre until you get to Magdalene Bridge. Turn right, running past the punts and Las Iguanas, alongside the river. At the end of this track you will emerge onto Jesus Green. The riverside path will take you past the tennis courts, past the Lido and eventually onto Midsummer Common. You can follow the river for as long as you like and then cross over one of the many bridges and run back along the other side. This route is really good if you like running early in the mornings: it’s especially pretty and quiet then (and you get to see many attractive people rowing). #4 Grantchester Meadows Route #4 starts at the Millworks (which is also a really good place for brunch): Behind the Millworks is a little path which goes up to the main road. Run down here and cross the road at the top into a park (Llamas Land). There is a path that runs diagonally through the park, coming out at a main road. When you get to the main road bear left onto Grantchester Street and run straight down this road, past a co-op. Bear right down Etisley Avenue and then join a gravelly path. Run down here and you will join a path that goes all the way through Grantchester Meadows to Grantchester (where there are many nice pubs).

Fun fact: This route has also been the site of many Crushbridges. So, who knows - you may be able to get fit and meet the love of your life. Two birds one stone.

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