Volume CV No. 4
October 31, 2014
stuyspec.com
Justin Strauss / The Spectator
Cause of Broken Escalators Discovered to be Gremlins
The cause of broken escalators is gremlins, not shoes.
By Saif Zihiri Stuyvesant has become infamous for its broken escalators— so much so that the most recent edition of the Oxford Dictionary added the word “Stuyed,” meaning, “to be broken, particularly in relation to escalators.” But regardless of how many times the escalators are broken, most members of the school have no idea what causes the malfunctioning. In a recent poll, Stuyvesant students revealed their top three hypothesized causes to be shoes, rat carcasses, and senior Saif Zihiri. However, in an investigation conducted by both the members of Science Olympiad and Robotics, the real culprit was discovered to be a hidden colony
of Gremlins inside Stuyvesant. The newly named Ftutctktitntg Arsrsrhrorlrers Gremlins have been living under the Stuyvesant escalators for at least 15 years. Surviving under hostile conditions, these creatures have become horrifically altered due to radioactive liquids (more commonly known as the sodas in the student vending machines), and have been forced into deeper hiding. The Gremlins seem to nourish themselves through the smuggled snacks and drinks that students often bring from Ferry’s. Yet what they value above all else is not half-eaten pizza bagels or stale popcorn chicken but sweat. Gremlins view human sweat almost like Stuyvesant students view weed—a necessary want.
Whether it is sweat from escalator workers or from unhealthy sophomores, Gremlins will indulge themselves in it. Gremlins break the escalators simply in order to gather as much sweat as possible. When asked to comment, the Gremlins simply stated, “Groursh teklsdod sdklod.” In light of this recent discovery, Stuyvesant students have been wondering whether these Gremlins pose a significant threat to the student body. “First college apps and then this?” senior Matthew Cook said. “What next, Ebola in New York?” The administration has been divided on how to react to these newly discovered creatures, with opinions ranging from complete assimilation to excommunication. “Of course we have to let them stay,” biology teacher Marissa Maggio said. “Who else is going to clean the sweat of the escalators? They’re part of the ecosystem of our school.” Principal Jie Zhang however, thinks otherwise. “These Gremlins have not passed the SHSAT in order to get into the school,” Zhang said. “Until they can be formally admitted, I see no reason to allow them into our community.” As of now, the Gremlins are scheduled for relocation into the Staten Island Mall. With a plethora of escalators and a lack of civilization for miles, they will be able to live their lives in peace. While their disappearance will surely be noticed in Stuyvesant, they will not be missed.
Cynthia Sze / The Spectator
Featured Halloween Costume: The Invisible Man
By Adam DeHovitz and Ling Dong Each Stuylloween comes with its own trends, but certain costumes can be seen every year. There are several popular costumes, from the creative cat costume to the far less original Despicable Me minion costume, but one of the most underappreciated costumes is the Invisible Man. Although exactly how students go about dressing up as this American hero has varied, their hard work and effort have certainly gone completely and utterly unnoticed. When history teacher Matthew Polazzo got to senior Shahruz Ghaemi on the roster on
Friday, October 31, he thought little of the seemingly empty seat before marking his student absent. “He must’ve thought that I was home writing my common app, but I finished that freshman year,” Ghaemi said, MCAT study guide in hand. “I actually spent the whole period taking notes—I got him real good!” This elaborate spoof was the result of the three years of research Ghaemi did at the Harvard Center for Nanoscale Systems to create a costume layered in bristles of nanowires that bend light around the person wearing it. “Apparently most of the senior class has designed it, too, so I guess I’ll have to do something else to make my college apps stand out,” Ghaemi said with a disappointed pout before using his cloaking technology to hide his phone from the approaching Assistant Principal of Security, Safety, Student Affairs, Health, Ebola Response, and Physical Education Brian Moran. Meanwhile, students who dressed up as the Invisible Man for their class at the end of the seventh floor hallway were sorely disappointed when they received neither candy nor baked goods from biology teacher Marissa Maggio, known for both her fetal pig dissections and festive holiday treats. We hope that the two are not related. Nanotechnology wasn’t the
only way that Stuyvesant students dressed up as the Invisible Man. In fact, many students pulled off the costume with little to no effort. When junior Henry Kim was asked the secret to his amazingly accurate portrayal of the Invisible Man, he stared back with a confused gaze before answering the question. “I guess I’m invisible, as always,” Kim said, before retreating to the attendance office to fix yet another day’s worth of wrongly marked absences. Well, that is probably what he said, but we did not remember to record his exact words, or if he is actually a junior, or if his name is indeed Henry Kim. Truthfully, he may be a figment of our imaginations, but he’s probably not. Not everyone, however, seems as thrilled by the new trend as the student body. “Invisible students create a clear and present threat to Stuyvesant’s positive learning environment,” Assistant Principal of select titles.titles from titles where name == “Moran”; Brian Moran said. “How can I expect our security staff to yell at kids to remove hats, confiscate headphones, and force students to throw away the cups of coffee that are their only hopes of making it through first period when they can’t even see the students?” Moran said. “They might even sneak into our highly exclusive library!”
How Many of These Halloween Sights Have You Seen? By Jacob Faber-Rico
Take note of everything you’ve seen today. Send your results to donotreply@lolspechumor.com. The first person to spot all 28 items gets a free Hershey’s bar found on the street. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28.
Jack O’ Lantern with Kim Jong-Un smiley face Three dollar burrito from Chipotle Senior dressed up as a bear handing out free candy on the bridge Mr. Simon dressed up as Mr. Moran handing out free cell phones on the bridge Unattended bowl of Snickers Mom leading five-year-old away from unattended bowl of Snickers Crying five-year-old History test Crying fifteen-year-old People wearing random pieces of cardboard People in Hazmat suits Terry’s dressed up as Ferry’s Seven hundred and fifty-nine “The Scream” masks Student running away from Room 207 yelling that he just saw the ghost of Ms. Damesek Vomit containing candy corn Functioning 3-to-5 escalator Person wearing fake blood Actual bleeding person being neglected Left Twix Right Twix Center Twix Mom who’s worn the same witch hat for the last 25 Halloweens Girl dressed up as a cat Cat dressed up as a girl Ghost of Peter Stuyvesant eerily haunting a history textbook Student wearing a fat suit stuck in a doorway Ebola None of the above; busy finishing my college applications
Spooky Ghost Haunts Hallways
By Nathan Mannes
Earlier this week, a spooky ghost was reportedly seen passing through various classrooms in Stuyvesant High School. “It came into my class and spoke on and on about this book I had never read before. The ghost was talking about The Odyssey, I think, but nobody was paying any attention,” sophomore Kevin Poon said. “It was some of the best English instruction I have ever received at Stuyvesant High School.” Other students have spotted the ghost absentmindedly pacing the halls. “The ghost was eerily walking in the hall like nothing was out of the ordinary,” senior Junhao Dong said. “It was the palest, whitest ghost I’ve ever seen.” Although the ghost has been haunting Stuyvesant for decades, the administration has done nothing to stop it. In fact, they invite the ghost back into the building day after day and even pay it a salary. This pissed
off alumnus Boaz Weinstein. “I donated a million dollars to this school with the expectation that it would go towards getting rid of this ghost,” Weinstein said. “But you shitheads spent it on a library. Nobody in this school reads books anyway. What’s the point?” Due to the number of students who have objected to the ghost’s presence, the Cahn brothers are considering a return in order to launch a grassroots movement in support of the ghost. “If you actually listen to what this ghost has to say, you will see just how wise it is,” David Cahn (’14) said. “The problem is that nobody pays attention to the ghost. They don’t respect it because it is very old.” The Student Union gave the final word on this issue. “Guys, we can’t get rid of Mr. Schecter! He’s a great substitute teacher,” Student Union Vice President Jonathan Aung said. “What is wrong with you people?”